Podcast Summary: What Your Therapist Thinks

Episode: How Do I Set Boundaries With Family? A Guide To Surviving The Holidays

Hosts: Felicia Keller Boyle & Kristie Plantinga
Guest: Katrina P. Moutner, LMFT (they/them)
Air Date: December 10, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Felicia and Kristie welcome therapist Katrina P. Moutner for a timely conversation about setting boundaries with family, especially during the emotionally charged holiday season. The discussion focuses on why boundaries matter, how to set and uphold them in difficult family dynamics, practical language for boundary-setting, and self-care strategies for when boundaries are challenged. The hosts also walk through a real-life scenario from Reddit, dissecting it with actionable advice.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Boundaries Matter (04:00–07:41)

• Boundaries are not about keeping people out, but about facilitating healthier, sustainable relationships.
• Katrina’s perspective: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love both me and you.” (05:22)
• Boundaries can be as small as asking someone to slow down a conversation or as large as choosing not to attend a family event if one's needs aren't met.
• The onus of enforcing a boundary is on the boundary-setter—not others.

Notable quote:

“Usually we think of boundaries as being ways to separate ourselves from other people, but I think that when we find ways to say no, or actually I need it this way, then we can feel freer to say yes or become more vulnerable in other ways.” (04:32, Katrina)

2. Boundaries in Practice—The Harm Reduction Approach (10:58–14:25)

• Upholding boundaries with family is emotionally high-stakes and often painful.
• Harm-reduction approaches (“strategic avoidance”) are valid: e.g., taking a bathroom break or leaving the room when tensions rise.
• All-or-nothing thinking (“I’ll have perfect boundaries or none at all”) is unrealistic. Small steps count.

Notable quote:

“Not just in terms of like managing substance use, but like, if there is harm happening in your relationships, is there a way to reduce a little bit of what’s going on right now, to de-escalate, to make some strategic choice that is going to give you an option to step away, reground, figure out how you want to deal with things next or just get a break…” (11:22, Katrina)

3. Developing the Skill to Set Boundaries (15:05–20:59)

• Setting an effective boundary starts with getting very clear—what specific behavior do you want to change?
• Be as concrete as possible (e.g., not just “don’t be mean,” but what specific action or words are the problem).
• Decide if you are going to communicate the boundary directly, and whether to share the consequence.
• There is a spectrum—from not stating your boundary, to clearly expressing it and your intended response if it’s crossed.
• Tailor your approach based on your goals for that relationship; you don’t have to engage equally with every family member.

Notable quote:

“You will not have as much of an opportunity to build a relationship with someone if they don’t know what it is you’re needing or wanting in a relationship.” (21:48, Katrina)

4. Real-Life Example: Sibling Holiday Conflict (21:10–39:23)

Scenario Recap (Reddit, Estranged Adult Child)

A listener struggles with her sister’s strict boundary regarding discipline of her nephew and feels caught in a toxic family dynamic. She wants to maintain relationships but also assert basic needs for respect.

Therapist’s Analysis & Advice

• Parenting conflict heightens the issue, with “access to the kids” as leverage.
• Strategies:
  • Disengage rather than directly discipline the nephew if that’s a flashpoint.
  • State, matter-of-factly: “That hurts my feelings. I don’t like being talked to that way. I’m going to take a break.”
  • If ongoing requests to the parent for intervention don’t work, decide how much you want to accommodate their boundary.
• Consider what relationship you actually want; not all require the same energy or transparency.

Notable quote:

“Just because you set a boundary doesn’t mean it’s ethical or a good idea... it is a tool, but a tool can be used for lots of different reasons.” (26:15, Katrina)

Notable quote:

“It erases the idea that adults have feelings and can be hurt by children. Right. And that doesn’t mean that, like, adults’ feelings should be prioritized… Any two people trying to learn to be in relationship have to be able to communicate in some way, ‘Ouch, that hurts, please don’t do that.’” (35:30, Katrina)

5. Self-Care When Boundaries Are Crossed (37:53–39:23)

• Prepare self-soothing strategies in advance; e.g., have a support person you can text or call, keep self-care reminders on a phone.
• Develop a post-boundary-crossing ritual or plan to re-center yourself.

6. Therapist Honesty: What We’re Really Thinking (40:12–44:44)

• Therapists may want to push clients to set boundaries faster or act on their behalf, but refrain since it must come from the client’s agency.
• Sometimes therapists feel vicarious “petty” feelings, but their role is to help clients discover their true priorities, not give advice.

Notable quotes:

“Even if that is an internal fuck you, right? Like, even if it’s like an internal boundary you are enforcing within yourself... that is a step that sometimes people don’t want to take…” (40:25, Katrina)

“...if you follow the one where I would say, hell, no, but it’s not actually your hell no, then it’s not really going to resonate...” (42:56, Katrina)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Boundaries as relational closeness: 04:00–05:21
• Mini- and major-boundary examples: 05:21–07:41
• Harm reduction and “strategic avoidance”: 10:58–13:36
• How to set a boundary, step by step: 15:33–18:06
• Assessing relationship goals: 18:46–20:59
• Real-life Reddit scenario—full analysis: 21:10–39:23
• Preparing for boundary fallout/self-care: 37:53–39:23
• Therapist “real talk”: 40:12–44:44

Sample Boundary-Setting Phrasings (from Katrina & Co.)

• “Hold on, can you slow down a second? I’m having trouble tracking what it is you’re saying right now.” (06:18, Katrina)
• “If you interact with my kids in a way that I don’t like, I will not let you be around the kids.” (25:36, Katrina, paraphrasing scenario)
• “Hey, I hear you want me to not interact with your kid in this way... I’ve noticed that’s not happening. So I think next time I’ll just disengage. I’ll take a break. I won’t talk back to her kid… I feel like I can’t do anything right and I’m stuck. So this is the way I’m going to take care of it." (36:30, Katrina)

Memorable Quotes

• “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love both me and you.” (05:21, Katrina quoting Prentice Hemphill)
• “This is a process. It’s about moving through this with maybe more grace, better boundaries, taking care of yourself a little bit better. And, like, that’s good enough.” (14:33, Felicia)
• “You get to choose where this work is worth it or not. Right. And you can experiment.” (20:02, Katrina)

Resources Mentioned

• Katrina’s Family Trip Boundaries Kit: practical worksheet for holiday boundary planning (passionfruittherapy.com)
• BestTherapist.com: Vetted therapist directory

Tone and Takeaways

The episode is warm, validating, and pragmatic, emphasizing that boundary work is a skill built over time—not an all-or-nothing switch. Small shifts, self-compassion, and strategic self-care are victories. The therapists continually reinforce that all boundaries serve to make relationships more sustainable and manageable, not to cut people off. Ultimately, the episode is a toolkit for anyone struggling to maintain a sense of self during family gatherings—especially when historic patterns, generational behaviors, and unspoken resentments resurface during the holidays.

For further strategies or to download the Family Trip Boundaries Kit, see Passion Fruit Therapy.