What Your Therapist Thinks

Episode: "What Does Contempt In Relationships Look Like? How To Keep Your Relationship Contempt-Free"
Hosts: Felicia Keller Boyle & Christy Plantinga
Guest: Kenny Levine, LCSW
Date: October 22, 2025

Main Theme Overview

This episode dives deep into the concept of contempt in relationships—what it looks like, where it comes from, and why it’s considered such a destructive force between partners. With guest therapist Kenny Levine, a couples counselor specializing in high-conflict cases, the hosts explore how contempt manifests, its relationship to resentment, and, most importantly, actionable strategies for couples to keep their partnerships contempt-free. Drawing on the Gottman Method and real-life examples, the discussion includes practical antidotes and addresses reader-submitted questions from Reddit about relationship struggles.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Defining Contempt in Relationships (07:34–09:34)

• Contempt is an expression of superiority—actions or words meant to put another down and make them feel inferior.
  • Nonverbal: eye rolling, facial expressions, derisive laughter.
  • Verbal: name calling, put-downs, biting sarcasm.
• Quote:

  “When we are contemptuous, our action urge is to put the other person down. Usually this feeling comes from feeling deeply unappreciated, unheard, unseen in our relationship. If we’re feeling that unheard and unseen, what we want is to have that feeling understood... but that expression of contempt does just the opposite.”
  — Kenny Levine [08:29]

• Contempt is not just an outward behavior but can reflect a core internal feeling or belief about one’s partner.

2. Gottman’s Four Horsemen & Antidotes (05:49–07:34; 13:29–15:55)

• The “Four Horsemen” that undermine relationships: Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, and Contempt.
• All couples display these traits at times; what matters is frequency and management.
• Antidotes:
  • Gentle Startup: Express needs positively and without blame.
  • Building Fondness & Appreciation: The long-term antidote is increasing the positive-to-negative interaction ratio (5:1 is the magic number).
• Quote:

  “The one horseman that has a more complex two-part antidote is contempt... The immediate antidote is using a gentle startup. The bigger, long-term strategy is building fondness and appreciation between the two people.”
  — Kenny Levine [14:01]

3. Contempt vs. Resentment: What’s The Difference? (19:09–24:15)

• Contempt is a dynamic between people—a relational stance that is “happening between” partners.
• Resentment is an individual's internal feeling, which can be managed by bringing it into the open constructively.
  • Quote:

    “Resentment is probably an emotion... part of an emotion that people might experience when there is contempt in the relationship… When I’m working with couples, I talk about contempt as something that is happening between them."
    — Kenny Levine [22:24]

4. Hope for Relationships with Contempt (05:17–07:34; 37:52–41:38)

• Contrary to internet wisdom, contempt does not automatically mean a relationship is doomed.
• Most relationships go through periods of contempt, but recovery is possible if both partners are willing to work on it.
  • Quote:

    “Just because we experience contempt does not mean your relationship is done for… There are antidotes... that you can learn and improve your conflict interactions.”
    — Kenny Levine [06:54]

5. Premarital and Early Intervention Counseling (31:05–32:23)

• Early counseling is highly effective; couples should seek help before problems become ingrained.
• Gottman Relationship Checkup helps identify strengths and challenges, with evidence-based interventions for each issue.
• Quote:

  “Find out early on what are the areas of your relationship you need to strengthen... Don’t wait till all this damage has happened.”
  — Kenny Levine [31:05]

6. Contempt as a Predictor of Divorce (00:28; 40:36–41:38)

• Contempt and “thoughts of divorce” are among the strongest predictors of relationship dissolution, per Gottman research.
  • Quote:

    “Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship dissolution, and the other is thoughts of divorce.”
    — Kenny Levine [00:28, 40:36]

Listener Questions & Real-life Examples

A. Reddit: “Is there coming back from contempt and resentment?” (24:15–30:06)

• Summary: Woman experiences deep contempt and resentment for her partner, who is depressed and unemployed; feels hopeless despite friends encouraging her to hope.
• Advice:
  • Importance of couples counseling over individual therapy (“Individual therapists may not see the full picture” — Kenny [25:41]).
  • Resentment often comes from overextending or not expressing true boundaries/needs.
  • If a partner is unwilling to work, you “can only do so much.”
  • Seek help before contempt is entrenched; "Don't wait until it's a crisis" (Felicia [30:06]).

B. Reddit: “When to throw in the towel?” (36:07–41:38)

• Summary: Long-term couple faces frequent arguments, lack of intimacy, and cycles of rage and contempt.
• Advice:
  • “Nobody can answer this for you. Don’t end it without trying couples therapy with both feet in… Take divorce off the table for six months and invest fully in repairing before deciding.” — Kenny Levine [37:52]

C. Reddit: “How to Deal with Resentment/Contempt” (48:58–54:16)

• Summary: User’s husband is sarcastic, mocking, dismissive; she feels unsupported, and he refuses therapy.
• Advice:
  • Focus on small, gentle startups and building fondness, even at home without professional help.
  • “If it feels too heavy to fix the contempt, start by increasing positive interactions. Change the ratio… that can really start to make a significant difference.” — Kenny Levine [51:50–53:10]

Notable Moments & Quotes

• On Emotional Labor:

  “Relationships are emotional labor. Nobody promised you could do this without work… Let’s make emotional labor constructive and productive.”
  — Kenny Levine [57:56–58:14]

• On Early Couples Therapy:

  “I love it when couples come in saying, ‘We have misunderstandings—we want to build a strong foundation.’ That’s the time to come in.”
  — Kenny Levine [31:05]

• On Modeling Conflict for Kids:

  “If you are showing understanding and modeling constructive conflict resolution, great. But if it’s dysregulation, insults, and contempt, I don’t want to see that in your relationship—or especially in front of your children.”
  — Kenny Levine [35:21]

• On Commitment to Therapy:

  “Unless we have both feet in for this work, we’re just spinning our wheels. …In the Gottman framework, when the fondness and admiration system is dead, then it might be time to give up. But as long as there are moments of connection, there’s a lot of good work to be done.”
  — Kenny Levine [40:36–41:38]

• On Relationship Complexity:

  “It takes a lot of psychological strength to hold that complexity of another person. If you oversimplify somebody, it’s easier, but people aren’t good or bad—they’re complicated.”
  — Felicia Keller Boyle [59:13, 58:28–59:34]

Recommended Resources & Tips

• Gottman Relationship Checkup: For assessing relationship strengths/challenges.
• Gottman Institute Materials: DIY resources and videos for the Four Horsemen and antidotes (available even for those who can’t access therapy).
• Premarital & Early Counseling is Key: Don’t wait for “disaster” status before seeking help.
• Building Fondness: Small, everyday positive actions (even tiny ones) matter greatly and build resilience.

Practical Takeaways

• Contempt is not a death sentence: If both partners are willing, strong recovery is possible.
• Gentle Startup + Appreciation: Are the best immediate and long-term tools against contempt.
• Go to Couples Counseling Early: Waiting too long entrenches negative patterns; early help makes change easier.
• Resentment is internal, contempt is relational: Both require honest, non-blaming expression of needs.
• Don’t rely exclusively on social media advice: Seek qualified relationship help for objective, systems-based guidance.

Where to Find the Guest

• Kenny Levine:
  Website: kennylevine.com
  States Licensed: Utah & North Carolina
  Coaching: thriveskills.com

Concluding Thoughts

Quote:

“Making your relationship work takes investment, it takes commitment, and it takes willingness. If you’re bringing that to the table, you can overcome all kinds of relationship challenges.”
— Kenny Levine [60:10]

For more, visit BestTherapists.com and subscribe to the "What Your Therapist Thinks" podcast on your favorite platform.

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 07:34: What is contempt, practically and emotionally?
• 14:01: The two-part antidote to contempt.
• 22:24: Distinction between contempt and resentment.
• 30:06: Why early couples counseling matters.
• 35:21: Should couples argue in front of kids?
• 40:36: Predictors of divorce & hope for couples.
• 51:50: Practical ways to start repairing contempt at home.

This summary captures the nuance, warmth, and expert insights of the episode—packed with actionable advice, personal perspectives, and validation for listeners at every stage of relationship struggle and repair.