Podcast Summary: What Your Therapist Thinks

Episode: What is Coregulation & Parenting? How Coregulation Helps Build The Best Child-Parent Relationships

Hosts: Felicia Keller Boyle & Kristie Plantinga
Guest: Dr. Cassidy Freitas
Release Date: October 15, 2025

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode dives deep into the concept of coregulation in parenting—how parents can help children manage their emotions and behavior by modeling and providing a calm, grounded presence. The hosts and guest Dr. Cassidy Freitas (licensed marriage and family therapist, mom of three, and host of the Holding Space podcast) unpack the science, personal experiences, and misconceptions around coregulation, gentle parenting, and discipline, while also fielding a passionate Reddit post from a frustrated preschool teacher.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Coregulation—What Is It? (05:30–09:13)

• Definition: Coregulation is the process of helping children calm and regulate their nervous systems using the parent’s own calm, steady presence.
• It is critical because young children do not have the skills or brain development to self-regulate.
• Dr. Cassidy Freitas: “Our kids are going to be dysregulated often… they don’t have all the skills and tools yet to know how to regulate their nervous system.” (10:17)
• The nervous system’s stress responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and flock) are natural and protective, but prolonged dysregulation or anxiety can be harmful.

2. The Real-World Complexity of Parenting (03:09–05:11; 11:45–15:19)

• The parenting journey is muddied by information overload (Reddit, Instagram, parenting books, etc.).

• Parenting triggers old patterns and can be overwhelming—showing up calmly is often difficult.

• Dr. Cassidy shares her own challenges with triggers stemming from her childhood (“recovering people pleaser and perfectionist”), especially when her daughter’s tantrums would invite shame and feelings of “making a scene.”

  “If, in my mind, I had learned that if she lets this out, then we don’t belong… But that’s such a threat, especially as a human being… Belonging is so core to what we need.”
  — Dr. Cassidy Freitas (13:24)

• Recovery and change come with self-reflection (“after they go to bed, you lay in bed…that did not feel good...”), guidance from experts (Dan Siegel), and personal therapy (17:31–20:23).

3. Coregulation in Practice: Modeling & Repair (21:09–29:12)

• Modeling Calm: Instead of reacting harshly, parents can serve as emotional anchors during kids’ meltdowns.

• Validation & Regulation: Validate feelings (e.g., “Are you feeling nervous right now?”), give language to the experience, and model being present even when the child is struggling (23:21–25:00).

• Repair After Mistakes: When parents inevitably “lose it,” returning to children later to apologize and discuss what happened is a powerful teaching tool (“the S word” = sorry).

  "Even in the midst of that really dysregulated storm between the two of us, there was no co-regulation going on. He knew… that I would say sorry, that I’d come back and repair.”
  — Dr. Cassidy Freitas (29:18)

• Notable Moment: Dr. Cassidy describes role-playing with her kids to practice saying "shut up," exploring feelings and repair (42:06–42:47).

4. Boundaries Are Essential—Misconceptions About Gentle Parenting (32:57–35:33; 45:32–53:50)

• Coregulation is not permissiveness or a lack of boundaries.

  "What children require for feeling safe is boundaries. They need to know that someone here is in charge."
  — Dr. Cassidy Freitas (45:39)

• Gentle parenting does not mean letting children do whatever they want; safety and limits are non-negotiable (31:40–32:57).
• Building “connection capital”—a strong bond and history of safe, loving responsiveness—helps children accept boundaries and facilitates discipline.

5. Reddit Teacher Dilemma: Permissive vs. Gentle Parenting (43:28–53:50)

• The hosts dissect a Reddit post from a teacher beset by an unruly student whose parents refuse to implement boundaries under the banner of “gentle parenting.”

• Dr. Cassidy affirms that gentle parenting must involve boundaries and safety for all; absence of consequences is not coregulation or gentleness—it’s permissive and can damage a child’s sense of safety and the classroom community.

• The teacher’s own need for containment and systemic support is highlighted: schools should have clear, collaborative strategies and leadership to help children and staff, possibly involving counselors or school therapists.

  "Her job is...to keep all the kids safe. And this is creating, like, safety concerns, not only for herself and other educators, but for the kids...What secure attachment requires is for a child to feel safe and connected."
  — Dr. Cassidy Freitas (45:32–46:20)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On modeling & repair:
  “You don’t have to be perfect at all. Just like, present. And by present, I don’t always mean like with your child in that space… Sometimes what you're saying is… I am needing a little bit of space right now to calm my body down. I love you. You're not in trouble. I’m gonna come back.”
  — Dr. Cassidy Freitas (54:50)

• On boundaries:
  “Gentle parenting is misunderstood. Maybe it needs rebranding… It’s thought of as permissive, but it’s actually… being real, being vulnerable… which like, repair is quite vulnerable. It’s getting down to their level, slowing down, tuning into what’s going on for my kiddo… which can coexist with still being firm and grounded and boundaried when I need to.”
  — Dr. Cassidy Freitas (56:50)

• On the long-term goal:
  “We’re playing the long game. Our children are going to be adults way longer than they’re going to be children.”
  — Felicia Keller Boyle (32:57)

Timestamps: Key Segments

• 00:00 — 02:30: Episode intro; Dr. Cassidy’s background
• 05:13 — 09:13: Defining coregulation; the stress response & animal brain
• 11:45 — 15:19: Real struggles with parenting triggers and shame
• 17:31 — 20:23: Path to self-awareness, therapy, and breaking generational cycles
• 21:09 — 29:12: Coregulation in everyday life—examples, modeling calm, and repair
• 29:18 — 31:40: Apologizing, recognizing children’s interpretations, and building resilience
• 32:57 — 35:33: Boundaries, building “connection capital”
• 43:28 — 53:50: In-depth Reddit post analysis—teacher struggles with “gentle”/permissive parenting, safety in classrooms, and boundaries
• 54:03 — 57:51: Summing up: Why coregulation is everything, repairing and rebranding “gentle parenting”
• 57:59 — 59:13: Where to find Dr. Cassidy and her upcoming book

Tone & Final Thoughts

The episode is candid, compassionate, and practical, breaking down the complexities of real-life parenting. Dr. Cassidy and the hosts emphasize that no parent is perfect or calm all the time; progress is made through self-reflection, honest repair, and prioritizing the connection. The show champions the importance of both gentle validation and firm boundaries, while debunking online misconceptions.

Key Takeaway:
You don’t have to get parenting right every time. Being human, apologizing, and staying connected—even after mistakes—is how children learn to regulate, trust, and become resilient adults.

Resources & Where to Find Dr. Cassidy Freitas:

• DrCassidymft.com
• Instagram: @drcassidy
• Podcast: Holding Space
• Substack: A Little Space Please
• Upcoming book (June 2026): About breaking generational cycles, nervous system work, triggers, and making space as parents.

For further questions or to connect, follow @wyttpodcast on Instagram, or visit BestTherapist.com.