Podcast Summary: What Your Therapist Thinks

Episode: What Type Of Trauma Do I Have? Understanding Trauma
Hosts: Felicia Keller Boyle & Kristie Plantinga
Guest: John Lee, LMFT
Date: November 12, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode explores the complex reality of trauma—what it actually is, how it works in the body and mind, the many types and responses people experience, and how therapists understand and work with trauma in clients. Hosts Felicia (somatic therapist) and Kristie (BestTherapists.com founder) are joined by John Lee (California MFT, TIST Level 3, trauma and identity specialist), who brings lived experience and clinical insight as a queer, nonbinary, autistic Taiwanese American clinician. The group debunks popular myths, addresses Reddit’s most-asked trauma questions, and offers practical tips for listeners who wonder what kind of trauma they have and how healing happens.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Trauma and Its Legacy

• Trauma is not defined by the event itself, but by the lasting impact it has on the nervous system and the adaptations made in response to overwhelming threat or unmet needs.
  • John Lee ([05:04]):
    "I like to think of [trauma] as a lasting adaptation from the nervous system to something that's essentially too much or too soon or maybe not enough when more is needed. It's always in the context of threat and danger—physical, emotional, or psychological...a legacy inside."
• Legacy of trauma can be both individual and intergenerational, including how trauma responses may be passed down epigenetically or through family/system dynamics.
  • Felicia ([06:36]):
    "Right. The epigenetics of trauma and how that gets passed down in our genes, but also in how we take care of each other or don't."

2. Trauma Responses vs. "Negative" Reactions

• A trauma response is not simply feeling bad or uncomfortable: it's a physiological escalation into survival mode, where the body codes something as a threat—resulting in hyperarousal (fight/flight), hypoarousal (freeze/numbness), or dissociation.
  • Felicia ([14:18]):
    "Having a 'negative' reaction is not necessarily the same thing as having a trauma response...a trauma response is one in which our nervous system is no longer functioning in a way that allows us to feel safe, to be creative, to use our frontal cortex."

3. How "Therapy-Speak" Can Distort Understanding Online

• The internet often over-applies the word trauma, confusing "feeling upset" with a true trauma response. Not every negative reaction means trauma is present.
  • John ([09:48]):
    "Some clinicians who come from an earlier time where there needed to be a lot more advocacy around what constitutes trauma might have a strong stance on not making everything into a trauma-related response...But in my experience, when you peel back enough layers, it always makes sense."

4. Types of Trauma: Big T, Little t, Complex, Developmental

• "Capital T" (Big Event) Trauma: Singular life-threatening or extreme events (assault, natural disaster, combat, violent acts).
• Complex Trauma: Ongoing or repeated stress and threat, often cumulative, especially over childhood.
• Developmental Trauma: Trauma during formative years, impacting core development and relationships.
• Overlap: Categories often blend; e.g., a war environment begins as an acute trauma but becomes complex/developmental through sustained exposure.
  • John ([28:54]):
    "Capital T, single event traumas...Complex, the cumulative nature...Developmental as a very particular subset, specifically [if] overwhelming stress happened during really formative stages of development."

5. "Is My Trauma a Big Enough Deal?" and Trauma Olympics

• Listeners often compare their trauma to others’ (trauma Olympics). Both hosts and guest warn against minimizing, invalidating, or ranking experiences.
  • John ([36:11]):
    "I'm cautious to not invalidate somebody's experience...when we uncover enough layers, it always makes sense...the symptoms tell the story."
  • Felicia ([37:57]):
    "I don't think it's okay for humans to be violent towards each other...Does someone have a categorically different life experience when their basic needs are not met? Absolutely. But could they both also be having a trauma response? Yes, 100%."

6. Event vs. Response Debate

• Clear clinical distinction: It’s not the event that’s traumatic—it's the individual’s physiological and psychological response.
  • Felicia ([41:14]):
    "Is it the thing or is it the response to the thing?...We can wrap that up. It's 100% the response...There's a difference between feeling a lot of sorrow and grief and having a trauma response. Those are not necessarily the same thing."

7. Understanding Trauma Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn

• Trauma responses (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) are adaptations that made the most sense in past, overwhelming contexts. The pattern may correspond loosely to which threats were present but is highly individualized—responses are shaped by temperament, physicality, context, and history rather than the “type” of trauma alone.
  • John ([47:11]):
    "It’s really the totality of someone's experience in that moment...so many things play into what response is going to feel the most 'safe'...Even down to somebody’s physicality and lived experience."

8. Healing: No Quick Fix, But Incremental Progress Is Possible

• Healing from trauma is usually gradual and incremental, with breakthroughs possible but not guaranteed. Building safety, stacking small steps for nervous system regulation, and deepening connection—especially with supportive therapy and community—are emphasized.
  • Felicia ([28:26]):
    "The truth about healing trauma is it really is about stacking over time."
  • John ([53:47]):
    "In addition to the journey being a very long game process...I've seen a lot happen in even a year. There can be incredible progress."

9. Beyond Talking: The Limits of Intellectualizing

• Thinking or talking through trauma is not enough: healing includes somatic (body-based) awareness, resourcing, and relational repair.
  • Felicia ([50:19]):
    "I've worked with clients where...they want to understand, I want to dissect it...There really is no thinking your way through it. I've tried personally; understanding what happened doesn't help my body in the ways I hoped."

10. The Role of Relationship and Community in Healing

• Since most trauma occurs in the context of relationships, healing is most powerful in safe, supportive relationships—including with a therapist and often, in community or chosen family.
  • John ([65:15]):
    "Community is just so healing. So many ways to find healing beyond traditional therapy as well. Chosen families have taken my healing journey to whole new levels."
  • Felicia ([57:41]):
    "Most trauma occurs in and through relationships...having that relationship with your therapist where they can move through ruptures and repair with you can be so healing."

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the legacy of trauma:
  • "The remnants...continue to live on in us and continue to play out in our lives, our relationships—even intergenerationally."
    • John ([05:58])
• On self-understanding vs. healing:
  • "You wanting to think your way through your trauma might feel a lot safer. Then you're gonna have to get a bit messier. You're gonna have to get into your body."
    • Felicia ([49:29])
• On patience in healing:
  • "Be gentle, be patient. This is deep, incremental work. That can just be so triggering for the parts...who are like, 'We've been suffering for so long!'"
    • John ([62:30])
• On the power of small steps:
  • "That 2 to 5% [of extra capacity for curiosity or safety] might give you a little bit of space to stack on another small percent solution."
    • John ([25:14])
• On western vs. indigenous healing traditions:
  • "Therapy as we traditionally think about it is so Western...there's so much ancient indigenous wisdom about healing and the power of community, ritual, rhythm, movement...there's so much more possible."
    • John ([63:17])

Highlighted Timestamps for Key Concepts

• 05:04 — Definition of trauma as living legacy
• 13:13 — Nature and nurture, why some people respond differently
• 14:18 — Trauma response vs. negative reaction
• 16:07 — External vs. internal triggers for trauma responses
• 18:29 — Brain in trauma: Frontal cortex "offline," practical grounding
• 21:27 — Instinct vs. thinking: the role of awareness
• 28:54 — Types of trauma: event, complex, developmental
• 36:11 — Reddit story: Are all trauma and suffering the same?
• 41:14 — Is trauma in the event or the response?
• 47:11 — Reddit story: Do certain traumas dictate trauma type?
• 51:49 — Misconceptions: Intellectualizing vs. actually working through trauma
• 53:47 — Healing timeline: incremental, but real forward movement
• 57:41 — Trauma in relationships, repair in therapy
• 62:30 — John Lee's 'real take': be patient and open to broader healing modalities

Practical Tips Shared

• Grounding During Trauma Response: Pick a color, slowly look around and name things of that color; notice your environment to signal safety to your nervous system ([26:10]).
• Curiosity as Regulation: Cultivating curiosity, even just 2%, can help bring brain systems back online and stack small improvements ([25:14]).
• Healing Is Incremental: Stack 2% solutions, focus on basic self-care, and trust in gradual improvements.

Takeaways

• Trauma is about response, not the event.
• Therapy and healing take time, but progress is possible—especially with support, curiosity, community, and self-compassion.
• Comparing traumas is unhelpful; everyone’s nervous system and capacity are different.
• Relationships (with therapists, chosen family, community) are fundamental to repair.
• Healing traditions are broader than western therapy—including community, ritual, somatics, and indigenous wisdom.

For More

• John Lee, MFT: johnleemft.com
• BestTherapists.com: besttherapists.com
• Follow on Instagram: @yttpodcast