What Your Therapist Thinks – Episode Summary

Episode: "Why Do People Cheat? Reasons People Cheat"

Hosts: Felicia Keller Boyle & Kristie Plantinga
Guest: Amalia Mirario, LCSW, Certified Sex Therapist
Date: November 5, 2025

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode delves into one of the most controversial and emotionally charged relationship questions: "Why do people cheat?" With the help of guest therapist and sex therapist Amalia Mirario, Felicia and Kristie explore the psychological, developmental, and relational underpinnings of infidelity. Their intent is to bring compassion and nuanced understanding to a topic that is often dismissed with black-and-white thinking, offering insight not just for those who have cheated, but also for those who have been cheated on.

“We are going to be handling it with grace and really trying to explore it and bring some nuance and some clear-eyed views to this topic when so much of the internet’s advice is just really, really divisive.” – Felicia (02:01)

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Shame and Complexity of Cheating

• Few people seek therapy because they’re “happy” about cheating; most are tortured by their own behavior.
  • “I’ve never had anyone come in and say, ‘I am cheating because I want to hurt my partner and I’m loving it.’ People are tortured by their own behavior.” – Amalia (00:11, 18:56)
• The discussion counters the internet narrative that cheaters lack remorse; in reality, deep shame is the norm.

2. Psychoanalytic & Developmental Perspectives

a. Early Development and Triads

• Amalia connects adult infidelity to early childhood developmental stages, especially learning to handle relationships involving more than two people (the “Oedipal phase” but without gendered overtones).
  • “We’re not born with an understanding that two people could have a relationship outside of us… this is one of the most important phases of development that I am listening for when I’m working with someone who has had an affair or who has cheated.” – Amalia (06:53)
• Difficulty managing feelings such as jealousy, anger, or exclusion in childhood translates into problematic relational dynamics later in life.
• Felicia relates this to Piaget’s concept of "object permanence"—sometimes as adults, we “forget” about our responsibilities or relationships when acting out (09:51–11:12).

b. Dissociation and Splitting

• Cheating often involves compartmentalizing or “splitting off” parts of the self that feel unacceptable in a primary relationship.
  • “In order to go have the affair, you almost have to forget that this part of your life even exists.” – Felicia (11:20)

c. Repetition of Old Patterns

• Behaviors related to cheating often mirror unresolved relational dynamics from earlier experiences, like feeling trapped, parentified, or restricted.
• The unconscious repeatedly seeks resolution until insight is achieved.
  • “Things will repeat… we repeat and repeat and repeat until things are brought into our awareness.” – Amalia (16:51)

3. Boundaries, Fantasy, and Denial

• Poor role boundaries (often learned in childhood) can make someone more likely to cross relational lines.
• Cheating is sometimes an attempt to resolve deep conflicts between needs for closeness/intimacy and needs for freedom/autonomy.
  • “It feels like there’s no freedom on the inside… because there was some kind of earlier experience… and so you play that out with your partner even if your partner isn’t the one doing it.” – Amalia (38:35)

4. Is Cheating Always About the Partner or Relationship?

• The therapists emphasize that, at least in therapy’s context, reasons for cheating are largely "intrapsychic"—more about internal struggles than about the partner.
  • “None of it was about the partner… we’re really thinking about what’s happening in the mind of the person who’s doing the cheating.” – Amalia (24:31)

5. Can You Love Someone and Still Cheat?

• Answers depend on definitions of love; it’s not clear-cut or universal.
  • “You probably are noticing... none of it was about the partner. It's all intrapsychically focused… and it really doesn't say anything about what's happening in the dynamic between them or what their feelings are for their partner.” – Amalia (24:31)
• Both Felicia and Amalia affirm that this is a deeply personal and evolving question.

6. The Futility of Purely Moral Framing

• Morality-based approaches (“Is this right/wrong, good/bad?”) do little to resolve root causes or promote healing.
  • “Morality is just not going to take us where we need to go… It's just not enough to help us.” – Amalia (50:07)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Shame, Guilt, and Self-Awareness

• “No one who has cheated needs to be told this was wrong. Like, people know that.” – Amalia (05:08)
• “No amount of understanding is going to take away the fact that, like, that was shitty and it’s always gonna be shitty. Like, and that’s okay.” – Felicia (31:35)

On Self-Acceptance and Change

• “If you are feeling tortured by your own mind and your own choices, like, there is freedom on the other side.” – Amalia (55:14)
• “The bigger the fear, the bigger the freedom on the other side.” – Felicia (55:26)

On the Unconscious

• “The unconscious is real, and… it repeats… until things are brought into our awareness.” – Amalia (16:51)
• “You could go from relationship to relationship… cheating, burning bridges, always feeling as if this other person has tried to control you… and you’ll be wondering why this is happening, and maybe even come up with ways that this person is trying to control you.” – Felicia (39:30)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:11–02:52 – The stigma of cheating, therapist perspectives on shame and empathy
• 06:53–09:51 – Cheating and early development: the Oedipal phase, triads, and relational templates
• 11:12–13:31 – Splitting, dissociation, and cheating as a way to explore forbidden parts of the self
• 15:33–18:46 – What is psychoanalytic therapy? Why it can be transformative for understanding cheating (and repeated patterns)
• 24:14–28:33 – Can you love someone and cheat? The complexity of defining love and personal meaning
• 33:18–38:54 – Reddit questions: Why not just leave? The role of inner conflict, fear, and attachment to security/freedom
• 40:08–40:41 – The therapy relationship as a space to resolve old patterns—conflict with the therapist as a mirror for relational dynamics
• 50:07–51:31 – The limits of morality-based conversations; healing requires more than “good vs. bad” judgments
• 54:13–55:26 – Healing is possible, but it requires depth work; “the bigger the fear, the bigger the freedom”

Audience Questions & Reddit Reactions

• Multiple Reddit threads are referenced, illustrating common public misconceptions and raw emotional takes—often much harsher than the therapist perspective.
  • E.g., “Why do people cheat instead of just ending the relationship?” and “People who cheat are selfish.”
• The hosts and guest reflect that even in anonymous internet spaces, there’s little real self-exploration from people who have cheated—usually because of shame.
  • “Reddit would be the place if there were a place, but they would probably get their asses handed to them.” – Kristie (35:11)

Closing Insights

• Cheating is rarely (almost never) about simply wanting to hurt the partner.
• It is driven by a complex mix of developmental history, inner conflict, unmet psychological needs, and sometimes an inability to make peace between desires for security and autonomy.
• Healing from either side—cheater or cheated on—requires self-work, not just explanations or moralizing.
  • “If what you’re actually wanting is to get a real resolve in yourself… really, the answer is to do work on yourself. There’s no way around that.” – Felicia (54:13)
• Therapy—particularly depth-oriented work—can break longstanding cycles and introduce new possibilities for self-understanding and relationship satisfaction.

Resources & Where to Get Help

• Guest Amalia Mirario offers free guides for both groups (“have cheated” or “been cheated on”) on her website and via her blog.
• The hosts remind listeners to use therapist directories like BestTherapist.com to find good-fit professionals, and encourage “dating” different therapists to find the right match.
  • “Go on a few quote unquote, first dates with different therapists to see what it feels like to connect with them.” – Felicia (55:26)

Final Word:

“People who cheat need help and deserve help if they want help.” – Amalia (57:55)

For more information or to get the guides referenced, visit:

• amitydetroitcounseling.com
• BestTherapist.com

Note: This summary omits sponsorship and advertisement sections and is focused purely on the discussion content and therapeutic insights of the episode.