Episode Overview

Title: Esther Calling – In Loving You, I Learned to Love Myself
Date: November 3, 2025
Host: Esther Perel
Podcast: Where Should We Begin?

In this deeply moving episode, Esther Perel takes a call from a listener exploring the theme of unrequited love. The caller, a Jamaican academic now living in New Zealand, shares their lifelong journey shaped by an early, intense love for a classmate—a girl who did not return their romantic feelings. With openness and vulnerability, the caller and Esther discuss the impact of this early love on the caller’s self-concept, relationships, achievements, sense of belonging—and ultimately, their journey toward self-acceptance and gratitude. The episode transcends the topic of unrequited love, evolving into a profound reflection on the transformative power of gratitude and the intricate ways relationships shape our growth.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Origins of Unrequited Love

• Initial Infatuation: The caller shares their childhood infatuation with Sheriann, a brilliant classmate in Jamaica ([00:01]).
• Confession & Rejection: Confessing romantic feelings led to gentle rejection; Sheriann did not feel the same way, which the caller attributes partly to social divisions ([01:35]).
• Impact: Decades later, this early love continues to influence the caller’s emotional expectations, leading to recurring feelings of longing and a persistent sense of romantic unfulfillment ([02:36]).

2. From Rejection to Deep Friendship

• Meaningful Friendship: Despite the rejection, an enduring, influential friendship grew between the caller and Sheriann. She inspired the caller academically, lending them Harry Potter books, encouraging a love for reading, and nurturing capabilities not fostered at home ([05:13]–[05:57]).
• Impact on Growth: The caller attributes much of their academic success—including earning a PhD—to the mentorship and inspiration drawn from Sheriann ([06:05]).

3. Circumstances vs. Capabilities

• Esther helps the caller recognize the distinction between their life circumstances (growing up in state care) and their innate capabilities, helping shift the narrative from “I wasn’t capable” to “my circumstances were limiting” ([06:56]–[07:46]).

4. Unrequited Love as a Paradigm for Relationship Expectations

• Shaping Romantic Expectations: The early experience established a “touch point” for the caller—anticipating romantic rejection in adult relationships ([08:18]).
• Later Relationships: Caller describes adult experiences, primarily with men, and the journey toward self-knowledge in sexuality and agency. Not all experiences were positive, but each contributed to self-discovery ([09:10]–[11:06]).

5. Transformative Love Stories

• Key Relationships: The caller recounts meaningful relationships—a short but intense romance in Jamaica and a spiritually grounding partnership with a Maori man in New Zealand—offering experiences of deep love and belonging ([12:03]–[14:47]).
• Learning to Love: These relationships challenged and expanded the caller’s view of love and self-worth.

6. Resurfacing Memory and the Longing for Gratitude

• Re-emergence of the Past: The memory of Sheriann has resurfaced strongly in recent months, prompting a longing to express gratitude ([18:31]–[19:41]).
• The Unsent Letter: Caller reveals they’ve written many versions of a thank you letter, unable to send it but revisiting it as a source of strength during challenging times ([22:58]–[23:30]).
• "How do you hold the candle of gratitude for someone who will never know how much they meant to you?” ([23:33]–[24:17])

7. Transformation Through Love

• Falling in Love with Oneself: The caller recognizes that in striving to embody the traits admired in Sheriann, they transformed themselves—eventually realizing they genuinely love who they’ve become ([25:27]–[27:03]).
• Esther reframes "unrequited love":

  “In loving you, I came to love myself... Not unrequited at all...”
  (Esther Perel, [27:18])

8. Passing the Torch

• Transmitting Light: Esther suggests that if the caller cannot thank Sheriann directly, they can "transmit the torch" by becoming a light for others, as in teaching or guiding family ([28:09]–[29:11]).
• Caller as Mentor: The caller mentors students and a younger brother, feeling the reciprocal warmth of being someone else’s light ([29:11]–[30:06]).

9. Loneliness, Achievement, and Belonging

• Racial and Existential Loneliness: The caller discusses racial solitude and feeling out of place as a Black scholar in predominantly white academic circles, particularly during a prestigious conference in Cambridge ([39:28]–[41:37]).
• Pride and Solitude: Standing in historic academic halls as a descendant of slaves, the caller feels both immense pride and searing loneliness ([41:50]–[42:32]).
• Desire for Acknowledgment: Yearning for Sheriann to witness these achievements, as she symbolizes the family and community the caller wishes to honor ([43:33]–[43:54]).

10. The Power of Gratitude and Connection

• Thanking Sheriann: At Esther’s prompting, the caller thanks Sheriann movingly on-air ([44:19]):

  “Sheriann, if you are listening... thank you for everything you’ve meant to me, for just seeing me and giving me the opportunity to become who I am today.”

• Essence of the Conversation: Ultimately, the caller and Esther agree the heart of their talk is about the healing power of gratitude and acknowledgment—“saying thank you” to those who have shaped us ([49:42]–[50:30]).
• Connecting Through Gratitude: Esther observes:

  “When I thank the people who have impacted me, I know I am not alone. If they've impacted me, then even when I felt lonely, I wasn’t alone.”
  (Esther Perel, [49:59])

11. Gratitude as Healing

• The caller reflects:

  “Gratitude really opens up that portal of connection and it's healing. Ultimately, it's love.”
  ([50:56])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On self-transformation through love:

  “In loving her, I think I fell in love with myself... In turning myself into that person, I realized, oh, I actually like that person as well.”
  (Caller, [25:27])

• On reframing unrequited love (Esther's poetic summary):

  “In loving you, I came to love myself. And you gave me so much. Not unrequited at all.”
  (Esther Perel, [27:18])

• On loneliness and resilience:

  “You have a smile that smiles to life... You worked so hard for it and you didn’t always get the proper supports for it... sometimes there’s just no one home.”
  (Esther Perel, [31:12])

• On gratitude as antidote to loneliness:

  “In the act itself of gratitude lies the connection to another person.”
  (Esther Perel, [50:30])

• Direct thank you to Sheriann:

  “Sheriann, if you are listening... thank you for everything you’ve meant to me and... giving me the opportunity to become who I am today.”
  (Caller, [44:19])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Early infatuation, confession, and rejection: [00:01]–[01:38]
• Impact of friendship; academic awakening: [05:13]–[06:05]
• Circumstances vs. capabilities: [06:56]–[07:46]
• Discussion of adult relationships & agency: [09:10]–[11:14]
• Key romantic experiences: [12:03]–[14:47]
• Resurgence of memory and longing: [18:31]–[19:41]
• The unsent letter of gratitude: [22:58]–[23:30]
• Self-love and transformation: [25:27]–[27:03]
• Reframing unrequited love: [27:18]
• Mentoring others, passing the torch: [29:11]
• Racial and existential loneliness in academia: [39:28]–[42:32]
• Caller’s on-air thank you to Sheriann: [44:19]
• Essence—gratitude and connection: [49:42]–[50:30]

Episode Essence

This episode illustrates the resilience and power of the human spirit to turn longing and rejection into self-acceptance and generosity. What begins as a question about unrequited love becomes a meditation on gratitude, self-worth, loneliness, and the ways we carry and transmit the gifts of those who have changed our lives—whether they know it or not.

In Esther’s words:

“When I thank the people who have impacted me, I know I am not alone. If they've impacted me, then even when I felt lonely, I wasn’t alone.” ([49:59])

For listeners:
If you have ever loved someone who couldn’t love you back; if you’ve ever wondered how your path was shaped by hidden mentors; or if you seek comfort in expressing gratitude, this episode offers hope and reframes longing into connection, transforming unrequited love into a legacy of light.