What makes a Castle so hard to attack

Summary

Who Smarted? - Educational Podcast for Kids
Episode Title: What Makes a Castle So Hard to Attack
Release Date: April 18, 2025
Host/Author: Atomic Entertainment / Starglow Media

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Introduction to Medieval Defense

In the episode titled "What Makes a Castle So Hard to Attack," the trusty narrator from Who Smarted? transports listeners back to the year 1296 in England. The episode begins with an engaging time-travel scenario where the narrator interacts with King Henry IV and Queen Eleanor the Interesting, who are seeking advice on constructing a formidable castle.

[00:01] Narrator: "Hey there, smarty pants. Guess who just upgraded to the brand new Apple Itimechine 14? That's right, me. To break it in, I'm headed back to the middle ages."

Choosing the Perfect Location

The discussion quickly delves into the importance of location in castle construction. The narrator emphasizes the adage "location, location, location," highlighting that castles built on hills or coastlines have strategic advantages.

[01:02] Narrator: "When you're building a home that you'll need to defend against your enemies, you want to use geography to your advantage. Being on top of a hill or along a coast lets you see any potential enemies coming long before they're on your doorstep."

King Henry IV acknowledges the wisdom in this advice, appreciating the strategic foresight involved in castle placement.

Castle Architecture: Motte and Bailey

The conversation transitions to the architectural style of castles, specifically the motte and bailey structure. The narrator explains the components:

• Motte: A mound of earth supporting the donjon, the central tower.
• Bailey: The courtyard surrounding the keep, used for various activities like markets, training soldiers, or gardening.

[05:02] Queen Eleanor: "Speaking of money, this is starting to sound expensive."

[05:16] Narrator: "Oh, bailey is another word for the courtyard around your keep. And it can have all kinds of things in it."

Defense Mechanisms: Moats and Drawbridges

A significant portion of the episode focuses on the defensive features that make castles difficult to assault. The narrator introduces moats and drawbridges as essential barriers against invaders.

[12:07] Narrator: "What do you think a moat is, smarty pants? Is it A, a super high fence, B, a ditch filled with water, or C, a well-trained dragon? The answer is B, a water-filled ditch that encircles the entire castle."

The effectiveness of moats is underscored when King Henry IV observes the foul state of the water, deterring enemies from attempting to cross.

[12:56] Queen Eleanor: "Brilliant. No army in their right mind would swim across that disgusting thing."

Advanced Castle Defenses: Portcullises and Arrow Loops

As the episode progresses, the narrator showcases advanced defensive systems like portcullises and arrow loops. During a simulated attack, the portcullis traps invaders in the gatehouse, while arrow loops allow archers to defend the castle without exposing themselves to enemy fire.

[14:28] Narrator: "Looks like someone just lowered heavy iron gates called portcullises on either side of you, trapping you in this gatehouse."

[14:53] Narrator: "Defending armies were known to get creative and used everything from hot sand to tar. Or they drop heavy objects like rocks or anvils onto their attackers."

Tactical Architecture: Clockwise Steps

A clever architectural feature discussed is the clockwise design of castle steps, which hinders right-handed attackers from effectively using their swords against defenders.

[15:20] Narrator: "Follow them. If you notice, the steps leading up to the tower in a castle always go clockwise. Any idea why it's built that way?"

[15:28] Narrator: "Clockwise steps make it harder for right-handed attackers to use their swords because they're blocked by the tower's inner wall."

Siege Tactics and Successful Defense

The episode culminates with the successful defense of the castle against the attackers. Utilizing boiling oil from hoardings and strategic designs, the castle withstands the assault, showcasing the effectiveness of medieval defenses.

[16:44] Narrator: "The wooden overhangs that run along the top of the walls of the keep have holes in their floors that soldiers can use to pour boiling oil through."

[16:45] Attacker: "Ow."

[16:44] Narrator: "Defending armies were known to get creative and used everything from hot sand to tar. Or they drop heavy objects like rocks or anvils onto their attackers."

Conclusion and Historical Insights

The episode wraps up with reflections on the durability of castles, humorously pondering if they could withstand another thousand years, only for the narrator to hint at the advent of cannon technology that would eventually render such defenses obsolete.

[17:03] King Henry IV: "Ah. I bet this castle could survive another thousand years."

[17:07] Narrator: "One thousand? Doubtful. Maybe a hundred if you're lucky."

Educational Takeaways

Throughout the episode, Who Smarted? effectively blends humor with historical facts, making complex medieval defense mechanisms accessible and entertaining for young listeners. From moats and drawbridges to portcullises and arrow loops, the podcast educates children on how castles were ingeniously designed to resist attacks, fostering a love for history and critical thinking.

Notable Quotes:

• [00:01] Narrator: "Hey there, smarty pants. Guess who just upgraded to the brand new Apple Itimechine 14?"
• [01:02] Narrator: "When you're building a home that you'll need to defend against your enemies, you want to use geography to your advantage."
• [12:07] Narrator: "What do you think a moat is, smarty pants? Is it A, a super high fence, B, a ditch filled with water, or C, a well-trained dragon?"
• [16:44] Narrator: "Defending armies were known to get creative and used everything from hot sand to tar."

Production Credits

The episode was written by Steve the Moat Melcher and voiced by Jason High Walls Williams, Charlotte the Keep Cohn, Adam Dungeon Davis, and Jerry Colbert. Technical direction and sound design were handled by Josh Hoarding Hahn, with associate production by Max Crosswalk Kamasky. The theme song was composed by Brian Stockade Suarez with lyrics by Adam Tex Davis. Who Smarted? is recorded and mixed at the Relic Room Studios and produced by Adam Tex Davis and Jerry Colbert under Atomic Entertainment.

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Who Smarted? continues to be a beloved educational resource for kids, combining fun storytelling with informative content that makes learning an adventure. Whether at home or in the classroom, this episode on castle defenses provides a captivating glimpse into medieval history, ensuring that young minds are both entertained and enlightened.

Transcript

[Narrator]

Hey there, smarty pants. Guess who just upgraded to the brand new Apple Itimechine 14? That's right, me. To break it in, I'm headed back to the middle ages. The year 1296 to be exact. I think I may be in England, though I'm not quite sure.

[King Henry IV]

Halt, my good sir.

[Narrator]

Oh. Yep, it's signaling all right. Hello there, your majesty.

[King Henry IV]

Yes, I am King Henry iv and two thirds. And this is my queen, Eleanor the Interesting. I presume you're the castle consultant we're meeting with today.

[Narrator]

Um, no. I'm the trusty narrator from whosmarted who smarted well.

[King Henry IV]

Was that you, Eleanor?

[Narrator]

But no worries. I'd be happy to help you both.

[Queen Eleanor]

Excellent. We desire to build a castle, but here in the 13th century, castles are still pretty new. So we could you some tips?

[Narrator]

Well, where I come from, the first rule of real estate is location, location, location. I assume that's true of castles, too.

[King Henry IV]

Clever man.

[Narrator]

Thanks. So where do you think the best place to build a castle is, smarty pants?

[King Henry IV]

Are you addressing my royal garments?

[Narrator]

Oh, no, no. I was talking to the smarty pants. Listening.

[Queen Eleanor]

I don't see what patents have to do with the best place to build a castle.

[Narrator]

Right. Anyway, if you said that the best place to build a castle is either on top of a hill or along a coastline, you're right.

[King Henry IV]

Hmm. And why is that, trusty pants?

[Narrator]

It's trusty narrator. The word castle comes from the Latin word castellum, which means fortified place. When you're building a home that you'll need to defend against your enemies, you want to use geography to your advantage. Being on top of a hill or along a coast lets you see any potential enemies coming long before they're on your doorstep. Or drawbridge.

[King Henry IV]

Drawbridge?

[Queen Eleanor]

Oh, I was never good at drawing.

[Narrator]

Not that kind of drawing, your highnesses. Anyway, I can fill you in on everything you need to know about building your first castle. Like, what are the basic parts of a castle? How do castle dwellers defend themselves during a siege? And why don't you still live in castles today?

[Queen Eleanor]

Why is he asking us, Henry?

[Narrator]

I'm not. Get ready for another whiff of history and science on who's smarted, who's smarted, who's smart?

[Attacker]

Is it you? Is it me? Is it science? Or history? Listen up, everyone. We make smarting lots of fun. But who's smarted?

[Narrator]

Hey, smarty pants. Trusty here with a special mission for all the smarty pants Listening. But unlike a top secret mission, this mission requires you to tell everyone that's right. Your job is to spread the word about who smarted so we can keep growing and bringing you awesome new episodes. To qualify for this mission, let's play a little game. Who do you know that would love whosmarted but doesn't listen to the show? Is it A, a friend, B, a teacher, C, a relative, like your favorite cousin, or D, a neighbor who loves fun facts? Got someone in mind? Great. Question 2. Where and when will you tell this person about who's smarted? Is it A, on a playdate, B, at school, C, in the car, or D on the phone? Pick one. Make a plan, stick to it, and best of all, complete this not so top secret mission. I'm counting on you, smarty pants. The more people you tell, the bigger we grow, which means a lot more smarting for you. Okay, your majesties. Um, do those trumpets have to blow every time I address you?

[King Henry IV]

Absolutely.

[Narrator]

Just checking. Anyhoo, have you and the queen given any thought to the style of castle that you'd like to build?

[Queen Eleanor]

Style? Castles have styles?

[Narrator]

Sure. The mot and bailey structure was once very trendy. The mot is a mound of earth that you build your donjon on.

[King Henry IV]

Don John. Donjon? What's a don Jon?

[Narrator]

A donjon is the tall stone tower that's designed to be the strongest and most secure part of your castle. It has to be, because that's where you, your family and friends will live.

[Queen Eleanor]

We're to live in a don John? It sounds like a dungeon.

[Narrator]

Aha. Did you notice that, too, smarty pants? It turns out the word dungeon comes from donjon because they're actually quite similar. Both are cold, dark, damp, and gloomy and hard to get in or out of. Of course, people didn't want to associate where they lived with a dungeon, so they started calling the tower in the center of a castle a keep instead.

[King Henry IV]

Yes, much less depressing sounding. But you said this style of castle was a motte and bailey. What's a bailey?

[Narrator]

Oh, bailey is another word for the courtyard around your keep. And it can have all kinds of things in it. If you like shopping, you can build a marketplace for fairs and festivals. Or you can use the space to train soldiers and horses or hold jousting tournaments. If you have a green thumb, you can decorate it with gardens and fountains, or add stables, a chapel, workshops, servants quarters, and places for your knights to live. Whatever you want. Hey, it's your money.

[Queen Eleanor]

Speaking of money, this is starting to sound expensive.

[Narrator]

I'm not gonna lie. Constructing a castle from scratch is gonna cost you Smarty pants. About how much of their loot did the average king and queen spend building and maintaining their castle? 1/10, 1/4? Or a half? If you said half. You're right.

[King Henry IV]

Half my money. Why, that's a king's ransom.

[Queen Eleanor]

More like a money pit. Oh. Well, I do love to decorate. Especially bathrooms.

[Narrator]

Ah, you mean guard ropes. That's what you call bathrooms in a castle, which, I hate to tell you, is pretty much just a bench with a hole in it that drops down to the moat below.

[Queen Eleanor]

Oh.

[King Henry IV]

Moving on. How are we looking for closet space?

[Narrator]

Funny you should ask, sire. In a castle, the bathroom is also the closet.

[Queen Eleanor]

You want me to hang my regal garments in the bathroom? My good narrator? I am the queen. Why in the world would I do that?

[Narrator]

Care to guess, smarty pants? Why did people in castles hang their clothes right next to the toilet? Was it A, so they could get dressed quickly if there was an attack? B, so they had something to change into in case of an accident, or C, to keep moths and other insects away from their clothing?

[King Henry IV]

Hmm. They all sound plausible to me.

[Narrator]

Yes, but the answer is, see? Turns out bugs find bathroom odors just as repulsive as we do.

[Attacker]

Pee.

[Narrator]

Yew.

[Queen Eleanor]

That's all well and good, sir narrator. But you mentioned defending against enemies earlier. What kind of security system comes with a new castle?

[Narrator]

One that's fit for a king and queen. But instead of just telling you about it, why don't I show you how?

[Queen Eleanor]

There's nothing here but barren land today.

[Narrator]

Yes, but not in 10 years when your castle is finally built here. Let's all take a quick hop forward in time. Hold on to your crowns. Ta da.

[Queen Eleanor]

My word. We're standing atop a fully constructed castle.

[King Henry IV]

Yikes. We're under attack.

[Narrator]

Yeah, when you own a castle, that happens a lot.

[Attacker]

Prepare to storm the castle, men.

[Queen Eleanor]

What do we do? How do we stop them?

[Narrator]

Actually, there's lots of ways. And I'll tell you about them right after this quick break. Have you ever had that moment where your kiddo looks up at you from the kitchen table, frustrated, stuck on their homework, and you want so badly to help them, but you just can't. Not because you don't care, but because school is different now. Math looks like a foreign language, but the grammar rules have changed. Not to mention you're juggling five other things and dinner is burning. Every parent I know has been here. That's why I want to tell you about something that can make your life easier. Ixl. It's an online learning program that helps your child with Math, English, science, and Social studies from Pre K to 12th grade. But while that would be enough, what makes it extra special is how it adapts to your child. It figures out what they need and guides them gently toward mastery. And Just like WhoSmarted, IXL makes learning fun, your kids get instant feedback and even earn rewards. So if you're trying to set your child up for success, then set them up with ixl. It works and it's fun. And now who smarted listeners get 20% off when you sign up [e-mail] smarted that's ixl.com SL smarted 20% off so you can get the most effective learning program out there at the best price and be the helpful parent that you were meant to be. Okay, let's be honest. Life is a lot right now. Between school drop offs, back to back meetings, half folded laundry, and texts you forgot to reply to, who has time to launch that business idea that's been living in your Notes app since 2021? Especially with that one thing standing between you and finally getting your business out into the world. A website. That part always feels like a brick wall. You want it to look professional, you want it to work, and you don't want to spend a lot of money on it. That's why I'm telling you. Use Squarespace. With Squarespace, it's as easy as tell it what your idea is. Pick a style you love. Boom. Website. They've got tools for selling, scheduling, newsletters, online stores, all of it. And it looks beautiful and it works perfectly. And the whole thing happens in minutes in the middle of your real messy, overloaded life three months from now. Don't let the reason you still haven't launched your business be but the website. I built my first Squarespace site in less than a half hour. This is the sign for you. To build yours, go to squarespace.com smarted and use code smarted for a free trial and 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. You don't need more time. You just need the right tools. That's Squarespace.

[King Henry IV]

I wore winter boots every day for two years.

[Attacker]

I hate climbing trees.

[Debra Goldstein]

I'm Debra Goldstein, host of the podcast the Big Fib. And half of those statements were indeed fibs. On every episode of the Big Fib, we bring on two grownups. One is an expert and the other is a liar. And it's the job of our human child contestant to help us figure out who is who. Because no one can spot a liar better than a kid. We've had episodes on everything from Minecraft to mythology and from Lego to libraries. Join me and my robot co host, Lisa on the Big Fib on Apple podcasts or on gzmshows.com now back to who's smarted.

[King Henry IV]

Um, narrator. Does this castle have any defense systems?

[Queen Eleanor]

Should I hide in the bathroom? I mean, guard robe.

[Narrator]

Yes to you, King. And no to you, my Queen. Castles do have defense systems, and thanks to my advice, you had them all installed. See way down below? That's your moat. The first line of defense for any castle. What do you think a moat is, smarty pants? Is it A, a super high fence, B, a ditch filled with water, or C, a well trained dragon? The answer is B, a water filled ditch that encircles the entire castle.

[Attacker]

Yuck.

[King Henry IV]

That water really stinks.

[Narrator]

That's because, like most castle owners, you've been throwing your trash into it. And it's what your toilet's empty into, remember?

[Queen Eleanor]

Brilliant. No army in their right mind would swim across that disgusting thing.

[Narrator]

And it'll keep them from tunneling underground into your castle, which was a popular pre mode strategy. If they try to do that, they'll get pretty wet.

[King Henry IV]

Now hold on, trusty. If there's a moat, how do we get in and out of the castle?

[Queen Eleanor]

Excellent point, my king.

[Narrator]

Do you know, smarty pants, if you said helicopter, you're wrong. The answer is a drawbridge. A drawbridge is both a door and bridge that crosses the moat. In fact, you, Highnesses, your soldiers are lowering the drawbridge now.

[King Henry IV]

Um, is that a good idea while we're being attacked?

[Narrator]

Not at all. But it's the only way I can show you the rest of your castle's security system. Let's teleport down there so we can experience your castle's defenses from the invading army's perspective. Just stay hidden behind me.

[King Henry IV]

God save the Queen.

[Queen Eleanor]

God save the King.

[Attacker]

Charge. Hey, who are you?

[Narrator]

I'm the trusty narrator. I hope you don't mind if I tag along.

[Attacker]

Can you wield a sword?

[Narrator]

Um, no. I'm anti violence. Plus it's way too heavy.

[Attacker]

Fine, just don't get in the way. Luckily, some idiot lowered the drawbridge, giving us a climb clear path right to the castle courtyard. All we have to do is. Hey.

[Narrator]

Whoa.

[Attacker]

What the heck?

[Narrator]

Aha. Looks like someone just lowered heavy iron gates called portcullises on either side of you, trapping you in this gatehouse.

[King Henry IV]

Aha. Good show.

[Attacker]

Oh, boy. At least we're safe in here.

[Narrator]

Not quite. This is when the King's archers Armed with the bows and arrows, begin attacking from above.

[Attacker]

Quick. Somebody tell our archers to attack their archers.

[Narrator]

Good idea. Except the castle archers are firing through small slits called arrow loops that are barely wider than their arrows, so your archers have little chance of hitting them.

[Attacker]

Ooh.

[Queen Eleanor]

Very clever. Narrator.

[Attacker]

Aha. My men just found a doorway into the tower with steps leading up. See? See you at the top. Narrator.

[King Henry IV]

Yikes. What do we do now?

[Narrator]

Follow them. If you notice, the steps leading up to the tower in a castle always go clockwise. Any idea why it's built that way?

[Attacker]

Not a good time, trusty narrator. Keep fighting, men.

[Narrator]

Clockwise steps make it harder for right handed attackers to use their swords because they're blocked by the tower's inner wall. And since most people are right handed.

[Attacker]

Oh, darn it. I keep hitting the wall while the.

[Narrator]

Defenders coming down the steps can use the wall as a shield.

[King Henry IV]

How clever.

[Attacker]

Back up. Narrator. My men are coming back down. Oh, and look. They've raised the portcullis into the courtyard. Men.

[Narrator]

Um, doesn't it seem suspicious to you that they let you in here so easily?

[Attacker]

Nonsense. To the keep, men. Let's get the king and queen.

[Queen Eleanor]

Uh oh. We're done for.

[Narrator]

Not quite. What the attackers don't realize is they've made the mistake of fighting under the hoardings.

[Attacker]

Uh, the what now?

[Narrator]

The wooden overhangs that run along the top of the walls of the keep. They have holes in their floors that soldiers can use to pour boiling oil through.

[Attacker]

That burns.

[Narrator]

Defending armies were known to get creative and used everything from hot sand to tar. Or they drop heavy objects like rocks or anvils onto their attackers.

[Attacker]

Ah.

[Narrator]

Ow.

[Attacker]

Forget it, men. This castle is too heavily fortified. Retreat.

[Narrator]

Finally. Okay, back to the roof, smartypants.

[King Henry IV]

Bravo. Bravo.

[Queen Eleanor]

Thanks to you, trusty narrator. I, a castle withstood the attack.

[King Henry IV]

Ah. I bet this castle could survive another thousand years.

[Narrator]

One thousand? Doubtful. Maybe a hundred if you're lucky.

[Queen Eleanor]

Why so short?

[Narrator]

Ever hear of something called a cannon?

[King Henry IV]

No. What's that?

[Narrator]

We need to talk. Please take a minute now and leave us a five star Apple review. You might hear it on the show and it helps us grow a super shout out to superfan Henry in Annapolis, Maryland. We hear you love listening to who Smarted because the trusty narrator is super funny. Well, isn't that super, Henry? This episode Castles was written by Steve the Moat Melcher and voiced by Jason High Walls Williams, Charlotte the Keep Cohn, Adam Dungeon Davis and Jerry Colbert. Technical direction and sound design by Josh Hoarding Hahn who Smarted is recorded and mixed at the Relic Room studios. Our associate producer is Max Crosswalk Kamasky. The theme song is by Brian Stockade Suarez with lyrics written and performed Adam Tex Davis who Smarted was created and produced by Adam Tex Davis and Jerry Colbert. This has been an Atomic Entertainment production.