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WHOA That's Good Podcast
The Relationship Advice We Keep Coming Back To | Sadie Robertson Huff
01:16:54
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- [00:01]
Christian
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- [00:31]
Haley
girl.
- [00:31]
Sadie
Winter is so last season and now spring's got you looking at pictures of tank tops with hungry eyes. Your algorithm is feeding you cutoffs. You're thirsty for the sun on your shoulders that perfect hang on the patio Sundress, those sandals you can wear all day and all night. And you've had enough of shopping from your couch. Done. Hoping it looks anything like the picture when you tear open that envelope. It's time for a little in person spring treat. It's time for a trip to Ross. Work your magic.
- [01:09]
Haley
What's up, everybody? Happy Monday. I hope you're having a great start to your week. It's about to get a lot better. We actually have a fun episode for y' all today and it's the best of relationship advice from, you know, the past year or so. And let me tell you, there is so much gold in here if you are someone who's really, I think we all need this because whether you're dating, if you're single, if you're married, wherever you are in life, we're all in relationships. And I think you're gonna get some advice today. It's really gonna help you. So I pray you're blessed by this and encouraged by today's episode and send it to a friend who you think needs to hear it too.
- [01:41]
Christian (male guest speaker)
You said it's like a tree firmly planted by streams of water. Psalm 1. And so if you take a picture of a tree and then you come back a week later and you take a picture of the tree, those two pictures are gonna look almost identical. But if you take a picture of tree and then you come back five years later or 10 years later and you take a picture of the same tree, you're going to see like, whoa, massive change. And so there's big change happening slowly. And you know this. Our relationship with the Lord is like this too is like we just have to make sure we're faced the right direction and you're making these small deposits that ebb and flow in seasons. It's like I can show you somebody who's newly engaged or maybe even newly married and they're leaning over the table for two at the restaurant, gazing each other's eyes and just laughing. And you're like, okay, they love each other. But then I can show you an 80 year old couple who's been married for 55 years and one of them is losing their memory or they have to have some sort of medical care or attention. And I said, who loves each other more? More. You might be tempted. It may look like the newly married couple loves each other more, but it's the feelings, the emotions. What happened with that 80 year old couple is some of those feelings and emotions have evolved to something much deeper with way deeper roots where there's like, hey, we are truly ride or die. We're in this for the long haul. Everybody wants that. But they don't necessarily, you know, they just, you have to realize there were lots of off ramps they didn't take to get there. Same is true for God. Like as we're in this, on this spiritual journey, there will be just countless off ramps where the enemy's trying to take us out or discourage us or cause us to despair. But as you keep moving, you know, being faced the right direction, as you keep holding fast to the truth that you know, then you realize those, that's where those roots go even deeper, even deeper, even deeper, even deeper. So that you can stand the test of time, you can stand the storm. Storms. You're, you're in it to win it. Don't be alone. I mean, I'm not, I'm not trying to be a pharisee here. This is not, I can't chapter and verse that. But if you're looking for, you're like, hey, I really want healthy boundaries. Like stay in groups. I mean, every single time I'm counseling someone who is distraught because they crossed lines they didn't want to cross. It's. They were, hey, we were laying down, watching a rom com, you know, know, it was just the two of us. We went to his apartment. The other healthy boundary is I would say avoid alcohol like the plague in college and dating. I'm not a never, never, ever, ever, you know, drink guy. I am a never ever, ever drink underage guy. And I would not at all, I would just be really wise in dating, like as a meaning you're not married. It's just not going to go well for you. So much of ministry is pattern recognition and I just see these same choices leading to the same outcomes over and over and over and over again. And so if you're like, hey, I don't want relationship trauma. I don't want this to go well. I don't want to make decisions that I'm going to regret, then I would say, man, stay in groups. Like, college is an amazing time to hang out with groups of people and make memories and look back on and you're just like, man, those were. We went on that mission trip. We served in this way. We had this church deal. We laughed until we cried. My stomach hurt the next day, I laughed so hard. All of that happens in groups of people. And you can really, you know, you can, you can observe someone well and get to know them well and the way that they interact with other people to know if this is going to be a suitable spouse for me. So that's what I would. That's the easiest, like boundary.
- [05:37]
Haley
Is it wrong to date someone who says they believe in God but doesn't live it out?
- [05:41]
Christian (male guest speaker)
Yeah, Jesus said you'll know them by their fruits. Like, here's my, my soapbox on this is. Be a strong follower of Jesus Christ. Find a strong follower of Jesus Christ. Like, it really is that simple. Charm is deceitful, beauty is fleeting. But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31, 30. I know you have all these preferences. Like you want him to be tall, short, you know, look a certain way, have these certain hobbies. Both guys and girls goes both ways. I'm just telling you, you know, I just was in the hospital for, for 16 days and you know, be vulnerable. Can I be vulnerable? I don't know. Y' all can edit it out later if you want. But it's like, it's like I'm like, I'm in there and, and you know, I like, I haven't had a bowel movement in days. And like, like, and so I go to the bathroom and Monica's in the other room praying for a bowel movement. And I just like, I'm, I'm in that bathroom and I'm thinking, like, I nailed this. Like, Lord, you're so. And I did it. I did so many things wrong. But, but yout grace has overwhel overwhelmed the situation that my amazing wife and, and I walk out of the bathroom and she's like, you know, any luck? And I give her the thumbs up and she falls to her knees and begins to praise God. And I'm like, nobody, no 22 year old knows this is what marriage is.
- [06:58]
Haley
Wow.
- [06:59]
Christian (male guest speaker)
Like, this is what marriage is.
- [07:00]
Donna
Wow.
- [07:01]
Christian (male guest speaker)
Like, you think it's the date and the like, oh, you know, the roses and the whatever. You think it's that, but it really is these moments. And you don't want to the guys, I say, you don't want a trophy wife. You want someone to go to war with. And to the ladies, it's like, I know, you want the six figure doctor who's tall, dark and handsome or whatever. It's like, no, you want somebody who's gonna make you love God more. Cause we're gonna die soon and we're gonna be with God forever and ever and ever and ever. And marriage simply becomes this metaphor of how Christ loved the church. And is there marriage in heaven? No, other than we're all. Church is married to the bridegroom of Jesus Christ. Like that's, that's the only marriage in heaven is us. The church being married to Christ and marriage is teaching us about that relationship. So that's where you want to get it right. And Hollywood, like has duped us, man. Yeah, like that. Like we've totally been lied to. And, and people are getting married later, they're getting married less and marriages aren't lasting. And I just want to raise my hand and say we've got to do something different and so don't learn what to look for in marriage. From Hollywood, who has the highest divorce rates of anywhere on the planet, say that. And so it's like, you're right. Like arranged marriages, that's the biblical way. Those tend to have the lowest divorce rates. There's certainly all kinds of issues with that in like Hinduism and in other places where there for sure can be hidden abuse and things of that nature. But the arranged marriage and the, and according to the scripture is when your friends, families and the church are saying, hey, this makes sense.
- [08:41]
Haley
Yeah.
- [08:42]
Christian (male guest speaker)
And you're not like, oh, but do I like him? You know, and I'm not saying people are like, oh, you don't. So I don't have to like him. I'm like, listen, there's a place for your preferences. There's a place for chemistry. There's a place for physical attraction. It's just not first place.
- [08:55]
Haley
Yeah. That's so good. That is so good.
- [08:58]
Christian
That was really awesome.
- [08:59]
Haley
I love that.
- [09:00]
Christian
How do I know the difference between red flags and just imperfections? I think sometimes it's like, oh, well, he's. But it's actually, oh, it's a red flag.
- [09:09]
Haley
It's just a preference.
- [09:09]
Christian
Yeah. Like what do you convince yourself of that's an imperfection, but it's actually a red flag.
- [09:14]
Christian (male guest speaker)
Yeah, I want to be careful how I answer this, because there are a few nuanced exceptions to what I'm about to say. But almost everyone that has made a really terrible relationship decision, like, everyone around them was jumping up and down, waving their arms, saying, hey, this is like, he's not good for you. He's not good for you. And they were like. And they Justified in their minds. They're like, well, you know, they just don't understand. And every now and then, you know, people are like, hey, my parents don't like him because he's a Christian. Because my. My family. And I'm like, that's different.
- [09:44]
Donna (female guest speaker)
Yeah, that.
- [09:46]
Christian (male guest speaker)
So that one very nuanced example is different. But a lot of times it's like, but I love him. And they're like, hey, I just. We see some things. We have concerns. Love is blind. Like, it. It literally is blinding. It's like taking a compass, you know, and you're trying to figure out which way's north, and you put a magnet beside it. Once you really have strong feelings for someone, you will make all kind compromises. So there's about 16 proverbs that say, essentially, in summary, wisdom comes from the counsel of many. Okay, you know, make. Make plans with many advisors. Plans with many advisors. They succeed. But when we operate in isolation, we bring destruction into our lives. And so what does it look like to live in community, to. To do life with, if I'm a female, to do life with other females if I'm a male, to do life with other males. And then when I like someone of the opposite sex to ask them, hey, what. What do you. Do you get. What do you guys see that I may not see? Like, is this a good idea? And nobody's perfect, right? And so if you're. If your imperfections are. If your imperfections are. You know, he scrapes the toast or he takes too long to order his food. It's like, that's not sin. Like, okay, like, get over it. Like, would you say red flags are sin? That's a red flag. So, like, when. When's the sin pattern? Like, on Friday, Q and A legit. They'll be like, hey, he's a really strong. But he does crystal meth. I'm like, he's not a really strong Christian. Okay, like, stop. You know, like, he smokes a lot of weed, but he. But we go to church. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, so it's just like, if it's a sin, like a sin pattern, that's a red flag.
- [11:30]
Haley
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- [13:54]
Christian (male guest speaker)
The whole key to it is learn to say yes, ma' am at a very early stage in the marriage.
- [14:00]
Haley
Learn to say yes, ma'.
- [14:01]
Christian
Am.
- [14:01]
Haley
Yeah, that's right. That's right. Without eternity, it'll save you a lot of heartaches and a lot of, you know, a lot of presents, a lot
- [14:07]
Christian (male guest speaker)
of flowers, you know, just learn to say, yes, ma'.
- [14:09]
Christian
Am.
- [14:09]
Haley
You're right.
- [14:10]
Christian (male guest speaker)
Go ahead. That's the greatness of marriage, darling.
- [14:13]
Haley
I'll use a wagon with horses. Two horses. Okay. Your first few years was rocky, okay? Because y' all was harnessed, you was married, but you was pulling different directions. You weren't working as a team.
- [14:27]
Christian (male guest speaker)
Then when things got right, when God
- [14:29]
Haley
moved in and got the marriage. Got right. Yeah. Then it wasn't pulling two directions. Look, it's just like a garden, okay? If you're going to want good vegetables in your garden, then you go out to prune, pull the bad weeds and throw them away, and, you know, and
- [14:47]
Ben Stewart
then you go right to nurture your garden.
- [14:50]
Christian (male guest speaker)
Well, you.
- [14:51]
Haley
Your relationship, Marriage relationship, you got to nurture it.
- [14:55]
Christian
I mean, I've always said, try to give more than you take. And just from my mentality, it's kind
- [15:03]
Ben Stewart
of like back when we used to
- [15:04]
Christian
have things called checkbooks. And I never did balance it just because I never could figure that out. But I would always just know I've got. Yeah, I've got to put more in than I spend. And so you just kind of had this knowing. And so I feel like that's marriage as well as where you're. You're giving and not just taking, because there'll be times where you'll tend to take way too much. And just like a checking account, you can overdraft that sucker, you know, and then you'll have problems. And down the road, if that happens,
- [15:37]
Haley
what's the best piece of marriage advice that the two of you were ever given?
- [15:41]
Donna
Yeah.
- [15:42]
Donna (female guest speaker)
Oh, I feel like a lot. I feel like the ones that are helping most days now, just with our life in total chaos. Publicly, but also just at home with four little girls is don't take it too seriously. Learn to laugh a lot through a lot of things. One of my best friends is like, I just laugh to keep from crying. And I do think that helps a lot of times. But I think just in marriage, I think staying best friends and what would you say it's good.
- [16:14]
Donna
I feel like it changes for me every year, the bits of advice, because they're definitely. It's different in your first couple years of marriage than it is when you get past the 10 year mark. And we're going to celebrate 13 years this year, which is crazy, but I think it's so cliche because I've heard this for so long. But I think learning for me how to continually learn how to date your wife, even when you're, you know, five years, 10 years in. Because I do think it's really easy, especially once kids start coming in the picture, to become roommates or, or just like joint parenting partners. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, if you're not intentional with like her biggest thing for me this year, I've done a lot of therapy this year and her biggest thing for me is like, I was like, what do you need from me in this season of life? And she's like, I just want you to get up at 6 o' clock in the morning so that we can read our bibles together and we can have 30 minutes before the chaos begins. And what's so funny is that waking up for me is the hardest thing on the planet.
- [17:10]
Donna (female guest speaker)
That's like the one thing he's like, why?
- [17:12]
Haley
Yeah.
- [17:12]
Christian
Anything else?
- [17:13]
Donna
Like, I'd rather go paint the whole house, you know what I'm saying? But just, I think just continuing to ask each other, like in seasons of life, like, hey, what are you lacking from me and how. And how can I do better in that area? But I think just learning how to be intentional because it is so easy, you know, after you, for us, after you put four kids to bed, 8:45, we are waxed. 9:00', clock, you're either waxed and you don't really want to get into the conversation you started earlier in the day that ended in argument or whatever. It's so much easier to turn on a Netflix show and just numb out the world, go to bed and then kind of forget the conversation ever happened. But I think the more intentional you can be about just digging deeper, even if it's just 10 or 15 minutes before you go to sleep, is like, my new version of continuing. Yes. Like, go to dinner and hold the door, like, even just opening. I opened her car door last night for the first time in a minute, which is so sad. But it just made me feel like,
- [18:09]
Donna (female guest speaker)
ah, usually we're shoveling everybody.
- [18:11]
Haley
We're like, oh, you got this, And
- [18:13]
Donna (female guest speaker)
I got this side.
- [18:14]
Haley
It's so sweet.
- [18:15]
Christian
Yeah.
- [18:15]
Donna
Just continuing to learn how to date each other, I think is sort of been the best piece of advice I've gotten.
- [18:20]
Haley
Great. I love that so much. It's such good advice. So much in that I was thinking. So someone gave marriage advice one time on the show, and it was pretty recently, and they were saying, ask your spouse how their heart is, like, before you go to bed. And it was really cool to hear that, because probably six months ago, Christian and I were talking about that same thing, like, what do we need from each other now in this stage that we didn't necessarily. A couple years ago, I was like, I just want you to check in on my heart, Because I don't feel as natural to just bring that up. And sometimes you want your spouse to ask you how you're doing based off maybe you're in a bad mood and you're waiting on them to ask instead of just saying it, which totally. I should be mature enough to just say it. But it helps when they're like, how's your heart? And then it kind of gives you the door. And it was just funny because she said that. So then that night, I thought about it, and I was tired, you know, again, so much easier just turn on a show. So I, like, turn on my show. I was watching it, and Christian was going to bed, and I was like, I need to ask him, like, how his heart is. So, like, I stopped the show. I looked at him, and then I just kind of smiled because I was like, this is about to be awkward. And he was like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm about to ask how your heart is. And I just can't do it naturally right now because I know you're gonna be like, why are you asking me that? And so anyways, it gave us a good laugh. And I was like, but how's your heart? And it led us into such a great conversation. Then he's like, how's your heart? And it is kind of funny because sometimes in those new stages of life, it does feel awkward to transition into maybe asking more intentional questions or getting up early or going on a date, but it's worth the little awkward beginning. And it actually is even kind of Cute and fun. It's makes you feel like you're dating again, where you feel awkward to ask something or nervous, you know? So I love that advice. It's so good. So I dated for about six months and got married. At the time, y' all were pursuing different things career wise, though. I mean, you were finishing up nursing school. Finishing up nursing school, which is no joke.
- [20:13]
Donna (female guest speaker)
No joke. And he was touring. He was gone quite a bit. But I remember when we did start dating, he would come off the road and fly into Knoxville, which is a little airport, but he would reroute his flights just to come see me for even just a few hours sometimes or a day. And I cried when he left, and I didn't. I didn't want to be without him. And it was wild how my world just flipped upside down. I was like, I actually just don't ever want to spend another day without you. And so that's why we were like, well, how fast can we make this happen? And so a lot of people were
- [20:53]
Haley
like, don't rush into it.
- [20:55]
Donna (female guest speaker)
Y' all are young. Which I felt like 21 compared to a lot of our friends, was young, very young. And we were just like, we know that this is what we want. And why. Why would we wait if, like, we've waited on so many things and we're done. We're done waiting. And so we got married fairly quick. Our. Our families were. Had our backs from the beginning through and through. And Virginia, his manager, always, I felt like, was a big support, too. And it was so much fun. It was so fun. And I do feel like we lived a lot of life and we were really young, so we still learned so much about ourselves and each other and life and beginning tour, but it was really cool to get to do it together.
- [21:45]
Haley
So cool.
- [21:45]
Donna (female guest speaker)
Experience all that together. And. And now I feel like when we do hit those valleys or the hard seasons, it's like, okay, we've walked through so much, and our support system is just such a gift. And I feel like the Lord just knew exactly what we were going to need before he sent him on his career and the family that we have, the friends that we have, the community, it's just been. I mean, it's been hard. Don't get me wrong. Like, lots of ups and downs, lots of counseling, lots of tears. But for the most part, I look back on our life, I truly see the hand of God, and I'm just so cool, like, so grateful that he has allowed us to, like, partner with him on this giant adventure of this life that we're like, wow, we didn't see that turn coming. And it's. It's fun.
- [22:30]
Haley
It's amazing. It's so cool. It reminds me of Christian and I, because we were 21, 22 when we got married, and his parents really wanted him to wait till he graduated college for us to get married. But we were like, we don't want to wait because we want to, you know, we want to experience. I wanted to move to Auburn to be with him so I could meet all his college friends. And, like, we didn't want to miss that time being together. And so one day him and his mom were having another conversation about, you know, them wanting us to wait. And he said, mom, love can't wait. And that has become like, that has become like a thing in the Huff family that they always love to bring up that love can't wait. And I'm really glad he said that. He was not a play it cool person either. He was the I love you more texter. And so we have a lot in common. Yeah, I appreciate that and I'm so thankful because, yeah, it's. It's a crazy ride, but you're so thankful you have all those memories together from such a young age. Lately, I've been seeing how important it is to be intentional about slowing down and making more home cooked meals for my family. Those moments around the table matter so much, and having really good meat that I can trust in my freezer is the key to making it happen. That's why I've been loving good ranchers, y'. All. I keep my freezer stocked with good ranchers. I'm talking chicken steak, chicken nuggets. Okay? Sometimes we gotta make it easy around here. I love that. Good ranchers is 100American meat sourced from local farms and ranches and shipped straight to your door. No more standing in the grocery store wondering how long that meat has been on the shelf or where it came from. If it's from good ranchers, then you know it is high quality. Having a stop freezer ready to go takes so much pressure off trying to figure out dinner every night. I can easily just pull out chicken or steak for the grill, or ground beef for tacos and burgers. I can just feel really good about what I'm serving my family too, because good ranchers has no added hormones or antibiotics, just really solid, high quality chicken, beef, pork, and seafood. Start your plan today and you'll get free meat included with every order, plus a hundred dollars off your first three orders. With my code WHOA. Just go to goodrantures.com. use the code WHOA at checkout. That's free meat with every order and a hundred dollars off your first three orders when you start your subscription plan this month only. Or if you just want to try it out. You can get $40 off your first order with my code whoa. Instead go to goodranchers.com American meat delivered. Alrighty. Let's get to the voicemails.
- [24:56]
Christian
Let's get to the whoa line.
- [24:57]
Haley
Hit it, Josh. Josh is our producer. My name is Haley and I'm so excited to be calling in. I've been following you since we were both about 6, 16, 17 years old. So been a long time now. My question and need for advice is how to stay hopeful that God will provide a Christian man for me when I'm living in a worldly city. I live in New York and I'm plugged into my church and my community, but there aren't any eligible bachelors in those environments. And everyone I meet outside of church is not a Christian. It's really hard to not give up or to settle and I'm having a tough time. Thank you for being a sister and a friend when I needed one. I love you. That's so sweet.
- [25:35]
Christian
Such a good and relatable question.
- [25:37]
Haley
It was so relatable. Haley, right? Was it Haley, right?
- [25:41]
Christian
Haley.
- [25:41]
Haley
Haley. Thank you so much for leaving that note and also shout out to being each other's sister and friend from afar. So cool. You've been tracking since we were 16. That is a long time. So I love that so much. Such a relatable question. A question that we get asked a lot. I was just talking to some girls the other day about this and it's interesting that you were talking about living in a big city and there's not an eligible bachelor who's faith based and all that because I was talking to people in a small town and they were saying the same thing in a different way. There's nobody here. There's not enough people here. There's no eligible bachelor. And I was telling them, I said, you know, you just really can't limit God to a city. To a city. I mean, truly. I was living in Louisiana. I mean, sorry, I was from Louisiana. I was living in Nashville. Christian was from Florida. He was living in Auburn, Alabama. And then somehow we meet.
- [26:34]
Christian
You're on a vacation.
- [26:35]
Haley
On a vacation.
- [26:36]
Christian
I'm on a vacation.
- [26:37]
Haley
You know what I mean? And so you really can't limit God to a city. Limit God to a singular location. The way that you're going to meet your husband is going to be a divine time. It's going to be a divine setup. I really believe that. I believe that God has your guy for you. And I think the most important thing that you can do as you wait and stay hopeful is pray, sow those seeds of prayer. I mean, one of the coolest things about Christian and I meet up. I mean, I always say this to girls because how do I find my husband? And I say, I wouldn't have found a Christian if I was trying to look for him in the sense of God.
- [27:12]
Christian
Just, I would have tried to find you, but I would have never found you.
- [27:15]
Haley
You were trying, you were doing some.
- [27:17]
Christian
Yeah, but I'm saying, but I never would have found you.
- [27:19]
Haley
Yeah, because it's just bigger than that. And when I look back at prayer life and how that aligns, it's really cool because Christian actually sent me this DM in January of 2017 that I never saw until, you know, a year and a half later whenever we finally met on that vac. But what's really cool is February in 2017. I have a note on my phone, on my app, the notes app on my phone. And I was praying for my future husband. And it was really, really cool because some of the prayers that I was praying for him really did align with what he was going through in his life, which we never knew until literally we were about to get married. I remember I found that and I was like, this is so cool. And knowing Christian's testament, I was like, when did that happen? Wait, that's so crazy because I was praying for you in that. And so even though your relationship isn't starting now, it's really cool how God already has your relationship in mind. So sew seeds of prayer, talk to God about those things. Because then whenever you do meet that person, it's going to be more obvious. It's like, oh, of course you're the guy. Like, you're the guy I've been praying for. You're the guy that God has led me to. And yeah, just don't limit God. He can do so much. Just stay. I was in, say, keep positioning yourself in places that it would make sense to meet your spouse. Church is a great place to meet your spouse. You want to meet someone like minded. And so again, we met on vacation. You can meet anywhere, but go into church, putting yourself out there, showing up places, going on dates, meeting up with
- [28:47]
Christian
friends, studying at the coffee shop.
- [28:49]
Haley
Yeah, come on now.
- [28:50]
Christian
Well, because it's even cool. Even Being in New York City, like, I feel like that there's so much optimism of things that could happen in New York City. It could be next week, and your husband can move to the city and show up at the church. You never know the guy that you're going to date that we might become your husband. Like, you just never know. You could be at the coffee shop and this person just moved here last week and they're trying to find a church, and you invite them to church. Like, that's the cool thing about the big city, is that even though it's a secular environment, you know, the possibilities, I feel like, are endless of things that could happen. So, yeah, I think that obviously, you know, man plans to step. Man plans his. Makes his plans, makes his plans. But the Lord establishes his steps. So make the plans, but at the end of the day, ask the Lord to guide your steps.
- [29:32]
Haley
That's great. I love it.
- [29:34]
Ben Stewart
Hey, Sadie, My name is Cade. I'm a college student here in Dallas, Texas. And I know it's probably a little unusual for a guy to be calling your podcast, but I grew up watching you on Duck Dynasty, and I see the wonderful relationship you have with your husband. You have a beautiful family. So I'm calling to get some advice for myself and other young men out there trying to find a Christian relationship with a young woman in today's crazy world. And once you're in that relationship, how do you keep it Jesus centered, God centered, especially in this crazy world.
- [30:13]
Haley
Okay, well, first off, great question. Should Kade go to New York and meet Haley?
- [30:17]
Christian
I think he should.
- [30:18]
Haley
Is this a matchmaking service?
- [30:20]
Christian
I think this is Kate and Haley. Either she should go to. No, no. Yeah. No, she should not go to Dallas. You should pursue her, fly to New York, figure out what church she goes to, and you should meet her.
- [30:31]
Haley
You're in Dallas. You're in the. You got American flight.
- [30:33]
Christian
You got an easy flight.
- [30:34]
Haley
Yeah, easy flight, Kate.
- [30:36]
Christian
Easy flight.
- [30:37]
Haley
If they end up together. Shout out to the whoa line. Okay.
- [30:41]
Christian
Shout out to the woe line.
- [30:42]
Haley
Okay. But for real, your question was beautiful.
- [30:44]
Christian
We could officiate the wedding and we could end it with saying, whoa. That was good.
- [30:49]
Haley
We're dreaming big over here. But for real, DM us so we can.
- [30:52]
Christian
No, that's a great question. Question. You did not know I was going to be on here. What's up? I'm here. Great question. So he.
- [31:02]
Haley
I think he find a relationship and make.
- [31:04]
Christian
How do you keep it.
- [31:05]
Haley
Yeah, Well, I think I really want you to speak into this because that's why I started talking about. Well, I know Christian and I both talk about how we did not date well before we dated each other. That's. Everybody knows that we. We could have written two separate masterclasses on not dating great. Before we found each other. But by the time we found each other, we both so wanted to do it God's way. That was something we said all the time. We want to do this God's way. We want to do this the way that it was intended. And I feel like you were really, like, really trying to do it the right way and maintain this relationship in a godly way. And I remember so many things you intentionally did. I want you to speak to it, but I'll pick up what you missed.
- [31:48]
Christian
No, that's good. Well, I think too, the tension is. I think sometimes you can. And because I even kind of sometimes found myself doing this in our relationship was like, you focus so much on maintaining it that it's like you think you have to be perfect in it. So. And not that I don't think I ever did this, but I think sometimes it can become performative to where it's like, she expects me to do this, so, like, I need to act this certain way. It's like, well, I opened her corridor the first time, so it's like, should I do that the next day 100 times to maintain this thing that she loved at the beginning, you know, So I think sometimes you can get in your head of like, I maintain this by always putting my. My best foot forward and, and which. Which you should strive to do. But at the same time, you know, I think sometimes you can maybe just. It can become an act if you try to maintain this, doing things that, that, you know, that your girlfriend likes to do, which can become a dangerous thing to.
- [32:50]
Haley
Where it's got to be from the heart.
- [32:52]
Christian
It has to be from the heart. Yes, but I think, you know, obviously keeping God at. At the center of it for me, I don't think I would have maintained our relationship to be healthy and especially God centered if I did not have guys around me that I could talk to, that I could pray with, that I could confess things to, that I could ask for wisdom on. I had a great relationship with my pastor, still have a great relationship with my pastor from, from college. And he would. Would give me advice on. On. On. On how to pursue, you know, questions to ask and, and things like that. So for me, I maintained it by seeking counsel around me, which is like what you're doing now, which is awesome. But Asking the questions surrounding myself with guys that that could relate to, in part to a situation I'm in and having an elder speak into it, having a pastor speak into it, and not getting so consumed and caught up with, how can I try to impress my girlfriend?
- [33:57]
Haley
I would say if you want a godly relationship, you have to be living a godly lifestyle. That's not something that you're going to magically get in a relationship if that's not what you're bringing to the relationship. And Christian had been living a godly lifestyle before we met, and I had been too. And so when we met and we both wanted do it God's way, it was a mutual decision that this relationship is going to be one that honors God. Whether we're together or we end up breaking up, we're doing this God's way. And I was telling some girls this the other day because they were kind of trying to carry the weight of leading the relationship spiritually. And I said, the guy needs to lead that, but you're also speaking into that and helping lead it and steer it too. Y' all should both be fighting for the same goal together. And that's to do this the Lord's way. It shouldn't be something one person's fighting for because then you end up fighting against each other to maintain this. And there's shame involved. And there's you did this, there's you to that. Like, no, you got to be like minded. And both living godly lifestyles if you want a godly relationship is going to make it so much better also. Yes, the expectation is that we're pursuing the Lord, but not perfection and not performance. So to always tell girls, don't just date someone for three months and then go, okay, I'm going to marry them. That works for some people.
- [35:08]
Christian
But give it at least six months.
- [35:09]
Haley
You got to give it at least six months because anybody can be anything you want them to be for three months. Okay? You got to give it some time for them to show who they really are. People like you are going to put your best foot forward. You want to be likable, but being loved and being liked are two different things. It's, it's, it's fun to be liked. It's fun to do things that are likable. But at the end of the day, when you're married to someone and you're going through life's moment and you have children and you go through just different things, you're not going to be likable. All the times you're not going to have your best foot forward. You want to make sure they're the a deep foundation of love and a deep foundation of God, of God's word, of who God is. That goes so much deeper than your performance or your likability in the moment or your, oh, I open my. Your door for it. That's so sweet. I love that. I, I always love when Christian opens my door, but, ooh, we are way deeper than that when it comes to why I respect and love Christian so much. And so, yeah, I would say live a godly lifestyle if you want a godly relationship. And yes, sara yourself with community. I think that is a really big thing. Christian was talking to his guy friends all the time, getting advice, getting questions to ask me. And I knew that like, he would be like, oh, Parker said that I should maybe ask you this. He, he wouldn't like, try to act like he knew it all. He's like, me and Miles were talking, he was saying this and I love that. Cuz I was like, oh, wow. He. He talks to his friends about me and he really wants to get to know me deeper. And I just had one of my best friends was in a relationship and. And they ended up not being together, but it was so good, like the way that they did it because they were asking each other such great questions and it made them realize they're really not compatible and that's okay. And so your questions matter. Just like this podcast. Y' all are asking such great questions. We're able to speak, you know, hopefully great answers that have some depth to them that are, you know, actually shaping you. You can say service level all day long, but that doesn't get you to the relationship that you're probably seeking if you're seeking a godly one and someone you're going to marry.
- [37:11]
Christian
Yeah, because there' fantastic question. Because there is that authenticity. And I do think the longer you are with someone, you do see their true colors. And so for us, I'm just thinking about our first major argument was at an airport behind a magazine rack. Because I still really struggle with this. But more shut the time.
- [37:33]
Haley
I've gotten better.
- [37:33]
Christian
I've gotten a lot better. But patience there could reach. I had a certain threshold of patience. And if that just, just if that got crossed, it doesn't matter who I was with. And I was with the love of my life at the time, and I was just furious. So all that to say, like, she saw that side of me and we were able to work through it and talk But I'm just thinking, like, I could have suppressed it and been like, I'm fine. Everything's.
- [37:58]
Haley
We would have got married.
- [37:59]
Christian
I'd be like, Then it would have been like, yeah. I'm like, what? What? Where the world has this been? But it's like. But I didn't show you that side side of me.
- [38:06]
Haley
Yeah. And so that was such a blessing. Like, that's how you get to know someone, and that's how your relationship deepens when you do see this. That's when you start to love someone and not just like someone. When you see them on the not so great sides and you still love them because it's like, yeah, we all have our things. And so, Christian, like, I always think I broke up with people for, like, silly reasons, you know? Like, I mean, yeah, I did. Bad breath. Okay. So, like, some people, I'd be like, no, I'm glad you did that.
- [38:35]
Christian
I mean, Christian, glad they didn't get it figured out.
- [38:37]
Haley
Was he perfect? No, he did have better breath. But, yeah, there was a patience thing. But I have all my things. I had jealousy issues, and I wasn't trusting, and I was anxious. And like, we all.
- [38:49]
Christian
I'm dating Sadie. We're at the airport, and me and the. Me and the guy at the. At the gate were, like, getting in this heated argument because I'm on standby trying to catch this flight to fly somewhere with her. And he was just not letting me get on the plane. Finally, he got so annoyed, he said just. He.
- [39:04]
Haley
He said, you are annoying me so bad. Just take the ticket.
- [39:09]
Christian
He just gave me a ticket, and he said, just please go. Get away from me. And then we had a huge argument.
- [39:15]
Haley
So we were dating.
- [39:16]
Christian
We were just dating. But it's those things that, like, I think back to something like that, to where I could have suppressed that I could have tried to hid in that side of my patience, but that was something that you were able to see. We were able to work through. And I've gotten a lot better at it.
- [39:31]
Haley
It's a relationship.
- [39:32]
Christian
It is a relationship. Don't always try to be perfect.
- [39:35]
Haley
Can't be perfect.
- [39:36]
Christian
Don't try to put up a facade and then not actually have the person you're dating see who you truly are.
- [39:47]
Haley
Lately I've really noticed how much better I feel when I stay on top of my hydration. Not just water, but actually getting the electrolytes I need. And that's why Element has been my go to. It is a zero sugar electrolyte drip mix and sparkling drink. That gives your body what it actually needs without all the extra junk that you don't want. I love how easy Element is too. The stick packs are great whenever I'm on the go and we also keep the fridge just stocked with some sparkling cans. Christian usually grabs one of the 16 ounce cans every single day, but I'm loving the smaller 12 ounce one ones whenever I just need something quick and refreshing in the afternoons. I have them here. As you can see, the flavors are so good, like pineapple, black cherry, orange, salt, and my favorite, lemonade. Plus, if you try element and don't love it, you can actually get your money back guarantee, which is so great. Makes it super easy. Just give it a shot and it's perfect timing for summer. Element just dropped a new lemonade iced tea built on that same element formula because it's made with that real black tea extract. It's got a little caffeine, which is totally perfect if you're looking for for, you know, a little swap for your afternoon coffee. But no, it's so good. Y' all are gonna love it. My husband will not go a day without his element. He is loving the sparkling cans and I know you will too. Get a free 8 count sample pack of Elements Most popular drink mix flavors with any purchase@drink element.com Whoo. So you can figure out your favorite flavor. So find your favorite element flavor or share it with a friend. That's drink element lmnt.com whoo. It was great. Can you talk about, like, what actually is a red flag and the things you notice that you go, okay, this is something that is a red flag. I don't need to proceed versus something that's just like a little mistake because you're human.
- [41:29]
Sadie
Well, there's a big difference between a mistake and a pattern.
- [41:33]
Haley
That's good. Yeah.
- [41:34]
Sadie
And so we all make mistakes and I need to give grace to people when they make a mistake. But I also have to be honest with myself when it's not just an isolated mistake. If it becomes a pattern. I think what's really important as you think about the red flags in the book, I write about 11 categories of red flags. And those categories are different levels of seriousness or severity to someone. And it's going to be different and personal to everyone. Because of your family history, because of things you've been through in your past, there's a red flag that might be super severe to you. That's not serious to me, you know that's true. But the categories are important. The most serious category, which should concern us all is immorality. And so I walk people through scenarios of what it might look like if someone is missing a moral compass and they sin and they don't care how it affects other people, and they're not even willing to acknowledge that it's wrong. They just don't know right from wrong, or they know it and they don't care about right from wrong. And so that category is very, very serious. But then there's another category called irresponsibility, right? And it's like you ask someone to pick up something from the grocery store and they forget. And then the next time they forget and the next time they forget. Now see, it's a pattern. And so now this is a legitimate red flag. And it's not on the same level as immorality. But they all, if these red flags go unaddressed, they will all become roots of distrust in relationship. And the number one killer of relationships is simmering resentments. And what feeds simmering resentments is distrust. And what we don't trust, we'll try to control. And so you can see the dysfunctional dance that can start to happen if we ignore red flags or if we're afraid to call out a red flag. As I wrote these red flag categories and I went through them, I knew they were important for three reasons. Number one, you really do need to know. When you get that ick feeling and you're feeling like I can't Trust someone, these 11 red flags will help give voice to why you might be feeling ick and what kind of trust is at stake here. The second thing is if we don't tend well to the red flags, they become roots of distrust. So if you're in a relationship where there's this bubbling distrust happening all the time, it's important for us to know what is at the root of those distrust feelings. And so these will really help you identify that. The third thing that I liked about the list of the 11 red flags was it created some self awareness in me as I read through these and I was writing the examples, I had no problem with some of them just writing all kinds of examples. And the reason is because I sometimes do that. And so as I was reading back through editing my own work, I stopped. I said, oh shoot, I might be feeding some distrust in some of my relationships. So it serves three really important purposes.
- [44:43]
Haley
Really good. Is it okay for the girl to initiate? So here's my thoughts on this. This is just, again, this is just my advice. This is just my opinion and I'm not saying this is like, truth, but, like, I'm not like, this is in the Bible, you know, I'm just saying this is just my opinion on this. I, that when it comes to girls initiating, do I think it's wrong? No, I don't think it's wrong. Do I think it's best? No. You know, I think what it does when the girl initiates is it kind of sets you up to lead in the relationship. And I think, and I believe, and this, this is in the Bible, I, I, I do believe that the man should, in a lot of ways, lead in your relationship. Now, we as women have parts of relationships that will lead. And there are things about us that are so strong and so much strength. So I'm not saying we're anything like that. But I do think that, like, a man's leadership is so important. And man, I've seen the, the blessing of that, the benefit of that. And so I do think if you initiate sometimes that can set you up to be like, leading in your relationship. And it can kind of let the guy slack on, I think his part of pursuing and his part of the pursuit, which I think is really important for him to, to do and to initiate and to be excited about doing and maybe even be brave enough to do and vulnerable enough to do. However, I do also think that you can give the guy confidence to initiate. I think you can give the guy confidence to lead. So what I mean by that is, like, if you're interested in a guy, do I think it's best for you to go tell the guy, like, hey, let's go on a date and lead that and initiate that? Not really. But do I think it's okay for you to go and say, like, hey, like, I'd love to get to know you. What's your number? I think that's great. I think that's giving him confidence to say, like, hey, I'm actually interested in you. I'd love to get to know you, you know, and then let him take it from there. And so I think, you know, you gotta give a guy a hint, you gotta let him know that, that you're interested, that you like them, and then let them kind of take it from there. Let them plan the day.
- [46:47]
Ben Stewart
The two greatest longings of the human heart are intimacy and impact. Impact, right. I want to be known and cared for and loved, and I want to be a part of something bigger than me and worthy of my life. Right. I mean, everybody wants those things. Belonging and mattering. You want both. And the Belonging piece can be deep friendships and community. But I mean, you even look in Genesis 1, it's friendship and community. But it's also that male female romance. I mean, that's coming out early in our Bible. But I realized for me, all my dating relationships were such chaos and I didn't have the awareness to know a lot of that was coming from some broken wiring in my own head, from, from family of origin, stuff that I hadn't really processed. So I just realized, you know what? I'm going to go hard on the purpose side. If I. If I'm created to know God, I'm just going for it, man. I can't figure the girl thing out. I'm going hard at this. And so that First Corinthians passage where Paul was like, singleness exists to secure an undistracted devotion to the Lord. I'm like, if that's what singleness is for, then that's what I want to do. I want to get real good at leveraging the freedom singleness allows. And so I wasn't sure if I was going to go in the business world or go into ministry. I ended up going into ministry. But as I did that, I remember Sadie, the first sermon I ever preached in ministry, my pastor came to me and said, hey, I want you to preach on a Sunday. And I was like, okay. And he said, I want you to preach on parenting. I was like, What? Like, I'm 21. I'm like, hypothetical child. So I listened to a Tony Evans sermon and tried to preach like Tony Evans, which was a huge mistake. But the thing I did right was I started looking at the couples in our church, and particularly I was looking at their children. And I saw who has healthy, well adjusted children. And I went to those parents and asked each one if I could interview them. And what I realized in retrospect, asking me to do a sermon on parenting was ridiculous. But God did it in his own sense of humor to get me in front of really godly, healthy, mature couples in our church. I sat down with a pen and paper, interviewed them all. I didn't even realize I was doing Philippians 3:3, scope out those who walk according to the pattern you've given us and imitate their example. And so by my mid-20s, I suddenly was surrounded by mentors with really healthy relationships. And so I was chasing the Lord, building the youth ministry, and the Lord was surrounding me with godly wisdom so I'd be ready for a healthy relationship.
- [49:27]
Haley
That is very cool. At Christian and I's wedding My Grandpa Peba fellow, he opened it up with a prayer. He was supposed to just do a prayer. Okay. We should have really nailed down. You're supposed to. Just a prayer. Yeah. We didn't expect the side sermon he was going to give. And we get down to the aisle, and I just. I'm so nervous. So many people there. And he goes, brother Paul said, it is better not to marry. Least you burn with passion. And I was like, why that one? Why do we have to read that one? Like, that's great for the singleness stage of your life. Don't read it at our wedding. Like, let's go further first. Corinthians 13. Like, come on. And so it's so funny. But. But I do remember actually reading during your book, it kind of caused a little, like, pause in Christianity's relationship. And we took three days not to talk to each other. And I was, like, praying through that verse, like, God, if I would be more devoted to you alone, then. Then, like, I will be willing to lay down this relationship. But if Christian and I together could reach more people, could make more impact. Could. Would I be a better person? Like, all the different things and, like, then give me the peace to continue, you know? And I remember Christian being so scared during that time because I thought he was praying the same thing. He said he was worried for what the Lord was saying to me during my prayer. He was distracted by what. What my prayers were being answered by. But I think he was. I think he was praying too. But I. I do remember, like, genuinely praying that prayer. And so even though I was dating Christian at the time I read that, it did give me that pause to say, okay, what. What would singleness look like for me? And is that something I actually need to pursue longer? Or is Christian the one? And is this it? Should we further our relationship and just bringing more purpose and meaning into it? Because the truth is, most people listening to this podcast, like, the. What you just said is such good advice. And what most people honestly have not thought about, like, they think about dating, all thinking about seeing. They never thought about, like, why. Why do I want this? Why do I desire this? What kind of impact do I want to have? What is a relationship for other than just, like, the feelings that you want to have or the rel. You know, what you've seen and what you want to be in? So I just think that this is so good because it's drawing people to think deeper about why we do care so much about relationships. Why is it the number one podcast? Why Are people so intrigued by it? Because it's what our hearts desire and long for. One of the number one questions we get asked is, how do you know when the person is the one? So how did you guys know that y' all were the one for each other?
- [52:08]
Ben Stewart
Yeah, that's a good question. You know, I'll tell you guiding principles, I think, for me, and then you can fill in with color commentary. Color. But, you know, I mentioned a lot of, like, you want to be running the same. Cause, you know, because if you link your life up together with somebody, you go, what direction is your life going? And so that's where I think you've got to get a relationship with God. Right first. Because if someone says, I want to honor Jesus, he's my Lord, you don't want to marry someone who says, he's not mine.
- [52:36]
Haley
Right.
- [52:37]
Ben Stewart
Because whatever you value most in the world will shape your values, and your values will determine what decisions you make. And those decisions build a life. So you go, let's make sure we both really lock step on the major values. So for me, it wasn't just, I want to marry someone who is technically a Christian. I was like, I want to marry someone who is chasing the Lord. And I think you said it with Christian. What drew you to him is he was a peer to you. You were running at the same pace. You know, you're used to running and having people follow you, and there's a place for that. You have mentors in front of you and people following you. And sometimes people want to marry someone following them and be like, I'll help save them or I'll help bring them along. And you'll know you want to be lockstep with someone where you run together, where you. You are on mission together. And, I mean, you look at the one healthy marriage, the one healthy marriage in the New Testament we're presented, it's Priscilla and Aquila, and their names are constantly interchanging in the texts, which is not normal. Normally, like, in the disciple list, Peter's always first. Why? Because he was the top guy. With Priscilla and Aquila, you're like, they were both on mission, they were both running, they were both helping, helping make things happen. And you go, they were peers, and they were running together at the same pace. And then you want to see godly character. Can I trust you? And for me, again, coming from a divorced home, I was kind of shocked to realize, wow, that's the piece that takes time. For me, like, it was pretty easy, pretty fast to see Donna was chasing the Lord. But I just realized when you marry someone, you go, do I trust you? You know, with our money and our children, but with my heart? If I start sharing more of myself and with you, do I trust you? And that was a lot of us is. It was kind of, you know, for me, it felt like a bit of an embarrassing thing how long it took me to trust. You know, chemistry came fast. Donna was the only girl I knew that could make me laugh and do it consistently. So I was just like, God, like, she's interesting to talk to. I can talk to her for a long time. And we both love the Lord. But where I got stuck is that one. So to answer your question, how do you know those are kind of three guiding steps, and then it's really good. There's some other principles I could say too. You know, you look at Song of Solace, Solomon, and you go, Their intimacy looked like springtime. Are we helping each other grow?
- [54:58]
Haley
Yeah.
- [54:59]
Ben Stewart
Do I sense in myself a growing sense of commitment? That was the best advice I got from a friend. Everyone would say, oh, you just know. And I'm like, no, you don't. How do you know? And he said, ben, every relationship I was in before, as soon as we had, like, a disagreement, there was a part of me that was like, I knew this wasn't going to go good. He said, but with. With what ultimately became his wife. He said, whenever we had a place of disagreement, I discovered in myself a desire to resolve it.
- [55:28]
Haley
There was a fight for. There. I want to fight for this.
- [55:30]
Ben Stewart
And so we saw that, like, hey, we. If there's a disconnect, we want unity.
- [55:34]
Haley
Yeah.
- [55:35]
Ben Stewart
And so a growing sense of commitment, a growing skill of communication to overcome barriers. I think if you don't have those in a relationship, you're not going to make it to marriage. And I think in dating, we saw that we both want this and we want. And we can resolve our problems in a healthy way.
- [55:52]
Haley
If he or she. In your life, listener, if you see that this person makes you want to go back to the scriptures and go back to God more. Yeah, that's a good sign. Now, it doesn't mean that they're going to be the one for sure, but it definitely is somebody who looks like somebody you want to be and somebody you want to be with. It's very. And so I wanted to be more. More in love with my scriptures and more in love with my God after meeting you.
- [56:19]
Ben Stewart
Yeah.
- [56:20]
Haley
So. But as people are looking at a future spouse, like, where. How do you Know the difference in like, okay, I'm being too picky and unreasonable or like, no, I'm holding to the things that I value and that I'm really looking for. Can you speak a little bit advice into, into that dynamic?
- [56:37]
Ben Stewart
Yeah, yeah, totally. I mean, I'm curious to hear what you would say. I can go first on that. But I mean, I do think you want to want when it comes to a cause, I am chasing the Lord Jesus Christ. Like if you are a Christian, you don't want to go. What's the minimum amount spiritually we can agree on? You just don't want to do that. Well, he ascends to the existence of a deity. Like, no, don't do that. Like, it's going to determine how you all make financial decisions, how you raise kids, how you make every decision. And you're talking about the deepest things of a human heart. Why do you think you're even here? What do you think life's about? Like, you don't want to scrimp on that one. So I would say keep your standards high in are they chasing knowing God and do they have a God shaped character? And that doesn't mean they're perfect, but it means this person wants to be shaped by God, that they, they have wisdom. Wisdom is I want to know how I'm meant to work in the world. And so I'm humble enough to learn, I'm humble enough to repent when I do it wrong. So they're not perfect, but they're perfect because you're watching. This is a person who's learning and moving. They're not going to be in the same place. They're not going to have the same struggles years from now that have made no progress. They might have similar temptations, but they're making war on those. So you want to see that. What a lot of people do is they put chemistry, which I would put last. They put first.
- [58:08]
Haley
Yeah.
- [58:09]
Ben Stewart
Are they funny? Are they cute? Are they smart? Does he like the things I like? And you go, there's a lot of bend in that world. I mean, and there's some things that some people make those all their deal breakers. And you go, you know what, man? Like, you can't really tell on date one. I mean this didn't happen with us dating. But I remember when I was looking for friends when we first moved to College Station, I was going on, we called them friend dates. And I remember I met this guy and I was like, so what are you into, man? And he was like, I just love Gardening. And my first thought was, yeah, we're not gonna be friends. I couldn't possibly care less about gardening. And then I was like, what else do you do? And he's like, I like to tinker on cars. I'm like, oh, man. Like, I. We are not at all alike. But as I got to know him, the dude loved God, had a heart for people, and. And we became deep friends. Friends. Deep friends. And I realized I don't. Cars are not a deal breaker. Gardening is not a deal breaker. And so I. I think charm is deceitful. Beauty is fading. And so I think if you put too much weight on that, those are the things that don't last can change. So I tell people not to get too hung up on that stuff.
- [59:20]
Christian
How can a woman hold it together?
- [59:24]
Haley
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- [59:50]
Christian
For everyone else, but have such a short fuse with her husband.
- [59:54]
Donna (female guest speaker)
Oh, snap.
- [59:57]
Christian (male guest speaker, husband of Donna)
Were we supposed to. Were you supposed to say the preface out loud?
- [60:00]
Christian
100%.
- [60:03]
Haley
I don't think you're.
- [60:05]
Christian
I was definitely supposed to say the preface.
- [60:09]
Donna (female guest speaker)
Okay.
- [60:09]
Haley
Oh, my gosh. I'm crying because that. That is a good question.
- [60:13]
Christian
It is a good question.
- [60:13]
Haley
I wish I wasn't laughing so hard right now to answer this, because that is a really question. How can. Can a woman hold all these. Hold all these things together but have a short fe for their husband? Yes.
- [60:25]
Donna (female guest speaker)
Short answer. I feel like it's because you're my. My inner circle.
- [60:29]
Christian (male guest speaker, husband of Donna)
Like, Like I'm your person.
- [60:30]
Donna (female guest speaker)
Yeah. And I want to be able to come to you with things. I don't think it's, like, a short fuse issue, but it's just like, you're my direct.
- [60:39]
Haley
Like, you feel most comfortable.
- [60:41]
Donna (female guest speaker)
Yeah.
- [60:42]
Haley
Yeah. I don't. I mean. And you can tell me if I'm wrong. Wrong. I don't really feel like you get the short fuse with me if, like, when I think about who gets the short fuse, it's Cabo, our dog. Because, like, I just have little. Like, if Cabo gets on the table, eats something, all stuff, like, I'm like, Cabo makes me so annoyed because I'm like, man, I'm trying to hold it Together for all the kids, get all their stuff and all the different things in life. And then when Cabo like, like, eats the food or knocks it, it's like the one thing that, like, makes me, like, mad where. Not that I'm mean to Cabo, I'm not mean to Cabo, but I'm like, definitely more, like, annoyed about it.
- [61:21]
Donna (female guest speaker)
But with you, you don't think as much like, before you.
- [61:24]
Haley
Yeah, I'm like, Cabo. And I've noticed I need to be careful about that because, like, Honey gets so mad at Cabo and I know it's because she sees me again. I'm not, like, mean to our dog. I love our dog so much. But when I think about short fuse, I think it's like the one thing that tips it over the edge when you're, like, trying to hold things together. But I think for me and you in our. Sometimes I can get snappy in the midst of, like, when I'm really busy. Like, for instance, one thing for me right now, this is kind of funny. This is very niche to our situation. Like being postpartum. When I'm pumping and trying to do a million things. Like, I've noticed I'm like, short fused because, like, my body's trying to do something, I'm picking up something, I'm helping the girls. And then I'll, like, snap at you. And then I'm. Normally I try to. I'm like, sorry, it's not you. Like, I'm really stressed right now. Or like, sorry, I'll like, tell you I'm pumping, I'm overwhelmed. I'm, like, overstimulated. Like, so much is happening. So I feel. And maybe I wasn't as good about that earlier on. Now I try to just communicate with you why I was short or why I snap or why I was like, a little bit on edge. And normally it has nothing to do with you. It's like, I feel overwhelmed. And when you ask me that, I just wasn't graceful.
- [62:38]
Christian
That was a very sweet, intimate moment. I'm being serious. No, that was. We had a connection there. That was good.
- [62:45]
Haley
That's good.
- [62:46]
Christian
I'm being serious. Thanks for letting us know that.
- [62:48]
Haley
To the point of this question, that's why people struggle with this is because there is a shorter fuse. And it's not because it's like a fuse. It's that that person really means a lot. So their words hold a lot of value. So if that person does it, it's offensive. Everybody else can be laughing, but you're on my team, like, you're on my side. So when it feels like they're not, then it hurts. We talk about this on screen.
- [63:12]
Christian (male guest speaker, husband of Donna)
We talk about this a lot, especially with my family. With her family, it mainly is like, whenever we're all hanging out, we're playing games, whatever. So, I mean, she grew up with. I mean, she had her dad and then she had a younger brother. And so they were always like the tag team on Abby. It's so in a setting when we're all together and they're ganging up on her, I. You jump in the gang, I jump in. I mean, I think it's funny, but then that automatically plays into. She values what I am saying to her.
- [63:49]
Donna (female guest speaker)
It hurts.
- [63:49]
Haley
For me, it's one thing, it's funny, but when you say it.
- [63:53]
Christian (male guest speaker, husband of Donna)
Absolutely. So, like, it's better for me to not say anything at all and just like, kind of smile at that. Because if she sees that, like, she knows that I think that's funny. But I'm never going to take that dig at her because it's just. It's just going to hurt her feelings.
- [64:10]
Haley
And I think that that is like, so real for so many couples. So I'm glad we got to this point. But I think too, in my, like, situation would be overstimulated, doing so much for me. I feel like the thing that I get short with, I'm like, you know, all that I have my plate, you know, so, like, can you give me that grace? Like, I don't want you to, like, if you add one more thing, I'm like, but you know how much I have going on. But I need to have more capacity as well to be present in our relationship despite all that I have going on. So it goes. I gotta take it for my side. But that's the thing that makes me more. I'm like, you know. But I think ultimately it comes down to, you know each other the best, you love each other the most, so you're most sensitive to what that person says or does.
- [64:53]
Christian
Yeah, that's good.
- [64:54]
Haley
That was a good question.
- [64:55]
Christian
That was a really good question.
- [64:57]
Christian (male guest speaker, husband of Donna)
Do women. Women actually want advice? When you've. When. When they vent, do women actually want advice or just someone to listen?
- [65:08]
Donna (female guest speaker)
I've actually been thinking about this lately. I am an external processor and I like to just talk to you about everything. We were just talking about this last
- [65:20]
Christian
night, actually, we were talking about this
- [65:21]
Christian (male guest speaker, husband of Donna)
last night because in times past, she. I have always been a really good listener with you. That's something that you have valued But I do want a little bit as our marriage grows.
- [65:33]
Donna
You're.
- [65:33]
Christian
You.
- [65:34]
Christian (male guest speaker, husband of Donna)
You always love somebody to talk to. I'm always just the listener. So, like, she's now looking for someone looking at. For me to respond and validate what she's saying whenever. I've always just been a bit little listener. So that's something that we're. That I'm learning and growing into. And growing into.
- [65:53]
Donna (female guest speaker)
But what I was going to say is I want validation from you as my authority.
- [65:59]
Haley
Like, Right.
- [66:01]
Donna (female guest speaker)
Like, I'm submitted to you. So I want. I want you to have something to do with, like, what I'm thinking and feeling. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.
- [66:12]
Christian (male guest speaker, husband of Donna)
Obviously, I want to be in on it, too.
- [66:13]
Haley
I love that. I think, for me, because I do so much communication. I want you to speak into it. Like, and that's the thing. When I think back to the first time I ever had a conversation with you on the phone, when I was like, whoa, I'm really interested in you as a person. And also to date you is because you talked so much in the best way. You had so much to share. You had so many things. If I brought up a topic, you had so much to say about it. You were like, did you read this book? Have you watched that sermon? Do you know, Ben Stewart were like. You were, like, connecting all these dots and speaking into what I was saying. And that's when I knew. I was like, you can lead me. Like, I knew you could leave me. And I knew that I wanted to learn from you in those ways and, like, connect with you in those ways. And I still feel that way. Like, whenever I come to you and say something and then you have advice, it literally reminds me of, like, why I fell in love with you.
- [67:08]
Donna (female guest speaker)
How.
- [67:09]
Haley
Because I think about that first phone call. So I do. Like, when you speak into it, but listening, there's so much comfort and, like, being able to just sit there and know that you're listening and that you hear it and that you are hearing the part no one else is hearing. And then I love whenever you come back with some good advice.
- [67:26]
Christian
That's really sweet. Thank you.
- [67:28]
Christian (male guest speaker, husband of Donna)
I think it's cool, like, how certain. How marriages can evolve that way from just being the listener to actually adding value to the conversation by, like, keeping it going and being like, oh, yeah. And then this, this, and this, and you.
- [67:44]
Donna (female guest speaker)
Yeah, that's also where we find, like, okay, this is what the Lord's stirring in me. Oh, wait, he's actually stirring that in me, too. Just in a kind of different way, and it just brings us closer and closer to him.
- [67:55]
Christian
So I love that we didn't invest
- [67:57]
Ben Stewart
a huge amount in the engagement or the marriage or the honeymoon. But, you know, I think we've had an amazing marriage, and that's what really matters.
- [68:07]
Haley
It's so true.
- [68:09]
Ben Stewart
And I think, yeah, I think that's the thing to invest in rather than in the slightly more superficial thing. They're really important, but they're not as
- [68:20]
Christian (male guest speaker)
important as you're investing in your relationship.
- [68:24]
Haley
Okay, let's carry on a little bit deeper. How do I set good boundaries in relationships when we have already broken so many boundaries in the past?
- [68:33]
Christian
It's a great question. Question. The first thought that comes to my mind is needing to surround yourself with people that can keep you accountable. I mean, obviously there's practical things of, you know, maybe setting time limits on social media or not staying at each other's house till late at night and hanging out with friends more often, not isolating yourself. But I think for me, the thing that was biggest was accountability with my guy for to when I would feel tempted to do something or if we did cross a boundary, like having people that could speak into that, that I could be vulnerable with, that they could, you know, confess things to and repent with. For me, that was the biggest. I mean, there's obviously so many practical things, like kind of what I said, But I think if you surround yourself with people that want the best for you that are going to ask you questions and that you don't feel the need to hide or to act right or to feel shame when you do do something you shouldn't do. So I think I always just. I think accountability is huge.
- [69:39]
Haley
That's great. I think, too, one of the biggest lies that the enemy will try to get you with is like, oh, well, if you broke a boundary already, then there's no sense in even setting another one. Like, you're just gonna break it again, or it's already been ruined, or you're already impure, whatever. Whatever lie the enemy's telling you, but don't keep sinning. You know, don't stay. And that habit of sin, like, you actually can repent, Turn from your sin, confess your sin, be healed of your sin, receive the grace for your. For your sin. Not grace in an abusive way of going, well, I'm gonna receive the grace. I'm gonna do it again. I'm gonna get grace again. No, like, receive grace so you don't live in shame, but don't keep doing it, you know, like Actually decide, like, okay, I don't wanna do that anymore. Your boundary is set there not because it's, like, some goal to achieve, but it's something that God set forth as, like, a good design. And so I think, put that boundary back in place. Go. I'm. I'm not going to do this. Not because it's just something I don't want to do personally for a pride thing, but because this is what God calls me to, and I trust that his plan is better for me than what my flesh is telling me I want to do. And so go back to the boundary line. Go back to what God said. Repent of it. And like Christian said, confess to your friends. Set up better boundaries in the future. Okay, this led us to.
- [71:01]
Christian (male guest speaker, husband of Donna)
To that.
- [71:01]
Haley
Let's not get in that situation again. I'm obviously speaking more towards, like, couples when it comes to the boundaries, but there's so many more things. I mean, that's just that stage of your life. You're gonna go, like, at this stage in our life, like, there are things that you set boundaries for with. With yourself that, again, like, you're going to be tempted by. You're going to be tempted to cross. But it's like, how do I not. How do I set myself up to win? Like, for me, I have, like, a boundary for my mind. And, like, shows that I watch, like, I don't want to watch shows that lead me to not having peaceful thoughts. And so for me, it's like, okay, well, what if I do watch something that all of a sudden now I feel anxious or all of a sudden now I watch something that was, like, inappropriate or whatever? Well, then I stopped watching the show. You know, it's like, oh, well, I'm only on episode two, and there's all season. I don't care. Like, stop watching the show. Like, don't keep doing it. Don't keep sinning. And I think so often, like. Like, we just let ourselves kind of live in that, like, victim mentality. Like, oh, well, it happened. Or, well, I saw it, so I'll just keep going. Like, no, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Like, fight on behalf of your mind. Win the battlefield of the mind. Fight for your purity. Don't just, like, let it happen. What is your best dating advice for someone who has high standards? Now, I wanted to say this, and I wanted to ask you this because you over there, you were picking up Nikki and dating. You literally said to me, like, you. You. I think we've said this in the podcast before. But you didn't like, like sometimes it would just be girls voices that you were like, I don't like her voices. I say that to say like, hey, that's real. Some people have high standards and some people are like particular about things and that's not always a bad thing, but it can be a crippling thing and you might be the guy to talk to.
- [72:49]
Christian
Yes, well, I understand. You know, you were a lot more mellow. Mellow. I didn't, you know, which is funny.
- [72:56]
Haley
People listening to this are probably not thinking, I'm a mellow person.
- [72:59]
Christian
No, I just didn't love that.
- [73:00]
Haley
Ah, girl.
- [73:04]
Christian
It just kind of bothered me. But if you do spit like that, it's awesome. You just weren't the person for me. And that's okay because I'm happily married. Sorry, what was the question again? High standards. Yeah, well, I also just was not a good person before I met Christ. Whether it was relationally or many aspects of my life, but high standards? Yes. No, you, you were just somebody that I actually enjoyed like talking to relationally. And I feel like we had a lot in common, even though circumstantially our lives looked completely different. And that was intriguing to me. And I feel like, you know, I always, when I really started following Christ, it was, it was this idea about running, running this race and not feeling like the other person's, you know, it was this analogy of if you're running a mile, like you're trying to keep, you're trying to run the same pace. If I'm running a six minute mile and you're, you're, you're lagging at like a 10, then, then we're probably not compatible from the standpoint of, of, of where we're going. So I feel like we were running the same speed even though we were doing completely different things. And you know, standard wise, I don't know.
- [74:31]
Haley
And physically I think the fastest mile I never like made a mile is a 10. So we're not super compatible when it comes to our actual mile times. Yeah, but we're very compatible with, with the running the race goddess up before us.
- [74:45]
Christian
But I never like made a list
- [74:46]
Haley
of like, but I, I think. Well, I just, I thought you can kind of speak to that because you are kind of like, you do set standards high for yourself and sometimes that can come across in other people. I'm the same way. I'm, I set high standards for myself and sometimes I'm like very hard on myself and can be like a perfectionist about Certain things. And so. So, you know, I think I did have really high standards in dating that were a lot of times unfair to the person that I was looking for, you know. And so, yes, I think first and foremost, like Christian said, like, it's different before Christ and after Christ, but, like, once you become, you know, a strong believer in Christ and you realize, like, the goal of marriage would be, like, to glorify God and to do what the Lord has called us here. To become one flesh and to. To, you know, be fruitful and multiply and do this life together. Like, we can do this life better together than we can apart. A quarter, three strands is not easily broken. Two are better than one. Like, if we're going with, like, a biblical point of view on marriage, like, this is why we're doing this, then it's not so much about being picky. It's not picky in the sense of, like, oh, you smack, or, oh, you do this. Like, I don't have standards like that, but I do have high standards. And the things that matter. Like, I wanted someone who felt, like, heavy connection, convictions and things, who did want to live a life set apart from the world, who isn't, like, comparing the way you live to everybody else, but, like, looking at God and being like, what? What do you have for me, Lord? And so I think you can set your standards high, and you should. And the things that matter. But so many people set their standards high on things that just don't matter. You know, it's like, it doesn't really matter that much. Is it one hair or brown hair if they're taller, if they're shorter, if they smack or if they don't smack, like, those just. Those things just don't matter. And those things change, you know. But the things that do matter certainly set you up well.