Podcast Summary: Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer

Episode: Chubby Chasers (w/ Jana Schmieding)
Release Date: March 28, 2025
Guest: Jana Schmieding (Comedian, Writer, Actress – "Rutherford Falls," "Reservation Dogs," host of "Sage Based Wisdom")

Main Theme & Purpose

Nicole Byer welcomes comedian and actress Jana Schmieding to discuss the wild and winding realities of dating while fat, intersecting their own romantic histories, cultural observations, and the nuances of desirability, visibility, and self-acceptance. The conversation covers fatphobia in dating, "chubby chaser" dynamics, internalized shame, and the unique challenges and joys fat women face while seeking love. Along the way, Nicole and Jana swap uproarious stories, dissect pop culture, and share how relationships and dating have evolved for them.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Fat Women in the Dating World

• Visibility & Changing Cultures: Jana and Nicole reflect on increasing body positivity and visibility for fat women compared to when they started dating. Jana confidently recognizes a cultural shift:
  "I feel like the culture is changing... because fat women are more visible." (23:10)
• Dating App Experiences: Both share the unique pitfalls of dating-app culture for fat women. Jana met her current boyfriend (“a man of music,” a bass player) through Hinge, but both note the challenges: “The Gamified app... is a game... and it’s a lot of appearance-based things which, you know, as a fat lady, does not work in our favor." – Jana (10:50)
• Asking about Preferences: They talk openly about the awkward necessity of asking partners if they're "experimenting" or truly attracted: "All fat ladies are like, 'Is it your preference or is this like an experiment?'" – Nicole (11:36)

2. 'Chubby Chaser' Fetishization & Authentic Attraction

• Jana's Take: Jana’s boyfriend is attracted to “curvier” women, but she discusses the “chub chaser” scene and how her boyfriend found it off-putting, as it felt fetishizing rather than authentic (16:56–17:55).
• Societal Pressures & Internalized Shame: Both women talk about the ways they've internalized shame about being loved openly as fat women, and how past partners always seemed ashamed.
  “I'm the one who is like carrying the shame for them. I'm like, doing their own work for them.” – Jana (22:28) “Truly, you’ll fuck me, but you won’t hold my little fingies.” – Nicole (22:01)

3. Notable Pop Culture References

• Robbie Tripp & The "Curvy Wife":
  Nicole brings up Robbie Tripp, known for his viral celebration of his “curvy wife."
  “If you ever post about me on Instagram, can you say you love your curvy girlfriend?” – Nicole (15:05) They critique his music and agree culture would shift more if a more prominent artist made similar songs.
• Kanye West and Partner’s Outfits:
  Nicole and Jana riff on seeing Kanye West’s partner in public in pantyhose—critiquing controlling dynamics and objectification (07:18–09:28).

4. Stories of Wild Dates & Breakups

• Ghosting and App Breaks: Jana recounts being ghosted by a fat man she briefly dated, prompting a years-long break from dating apps (28:25–30:01).
• Ceremonial Breakup: One of the episode's highlights is Jana’s surreal breakup with a Native boyfriend who stages an elaborate “breakup ceremony” involving sage, abalone shells, and metaphorical gestures—followed by him forgetting his keys and tapping on her window:

  “He comes into my home carrying this eagle feather fan... He had brought over to my home two halves of an abalone shell and... if you don’t want to be with me anymore, turn the shell.” (34:07–39:42)

5. Body Issues and Self-Acceptance

• Body Shame & Dating Fat Partners: Nicole notes she never dated another fat person, and both agree they don't understand dating with body issues anymore (30:46–31:06).
• Public Perception: They discuss moments of being stared at in public, realizing more people than they thought are attracted to body diversity (22:52–23:38).
• Cultural and Historical Context: Jana references the Venus figurines as evidence of historical attraction to fat bodies (24:13–24:38).

6. Conflict and Relationships

• Adjusting to Partnership: Both share growing pains in learning how to consider a partner’s needs, especially after long stretches of being single (48:10–49:17).
• Conflict Resolution:
  Nicole describes learning in therapy to stop making herself the “main character in other people’s stories,” practicing non-defensive communication:

  “I try really hard not to immediately go, 'Oh, okay, so I’m a piece of shit, right?'... Instead, I’m like, I hear you, I just want to repeat back to you what you said.” (49:47–50:33)

• The Six-Second Kiss:
  Jana shares advice from the Gottmans: kiss your partner for six seconds daily to build connection (51:39–53:15).

7. Native Identity and Dating

• Labels & Language:
  Jana shares her thoughts on "Native American," "Indian," and language around identity (32:19–33:16).
• Cultural Expectations: Jana’s grandfather’s advice: “Don’t you ever get involved with another Native man. He will get you pregnant and leave you.” (33:25)
  Further stories about dating within and outside her community follow.

8. Advice For Single and Searching Listeners

• Categorize Your Loneliness:
  Jana recommends reflecting on what you truly want—sex, partnership, excitement—and using the right resources (apps, friends) accordingly:

  “Categorize your loneliness... I think that’s what helped me.” (57:33)

• Be Open to Experience:
  Jana’s own story—inviting her now-boyfriend on a weekend trip after just two weeks—proves that sometimes taking risks pays off.

• Nicole’s Golden Rule:

  “You never have to wonder if someone actually likes you. If they like you, they’ll let you know.” (61:20–61:44)

9. Memorable, Candid Moments

• On Being Annoying in Love:
  Nicole and Jana debate whether they “give too much space” and joke about striving to be “annoying” in a relationship (55:53–56:45).

• Nicole’s Cookie Tears:
  Nicole shares how she once burst into tears imagining a chocolate chip cookie without chips—her boyfriend had to reassure her it was a hypothetical world that didn’t exist (47:01–47:27).

Notable Quotes

• Jana on Dating App Fatphobia:
  "As a fat lady, [dating apps] do not work in our favor, literally ever. Except for this one time and it’s because he is into a bigger girl." (11:18)

• Nicole on Newfound Acceptance:
  "Once I hit, like, 30, I was like, well, this is it. I’m gonna wear the bikini, I’m gonna show my arms, and if you don’t like it, then, like, I don’t know. What? You could go home." (30:50)

• Jana on Internalized Shame:
  "I, as a woman, have internalized so much of this shame. And I’m the one who is, like, carrying the shame for them. I’m like, doing their own work for them.” (22:28)

• Nicole’s Relationship Insight:
  "I’m working on not thinking I’m the main character in everyone else’s story." (49:47)

• On Taking Risks in Dating:
  “I took him on a two-week date or a weekend date to Palm Springs … I said wild, I know. I said, I’m gonna try doing something real wild and just see how it goes. It worked.” – Jana (60:13–60:27)

Key Timestamps

• 02:31 – 07:18: Introductions, Erewhon shopping, and gym memberships
• 07:26 – 10:14: Kanye West’s partner, public spectacle, and pop culture
• 10:15 – 14:09: Hinge, chubby chasers, and dating fat women
• 14:10 – 17:31: Robbie Tripp and the "curvy wife" phenomenon
• 18:12 – 22:13: Examining partners' exes, body types, and public displays of affection
• 28:25 – 30:01: Ghosting and taking breaks from dating apps
• 31:06 – 33:16: Body image evolution and confidence
• 34:02 – 39:44: "Breakup Ceremony" story (not to be missed!)
• 45:48 – 47:27: Annoying girlfriend moments, wine-tasting meltdown
• 51:39 – 53:15: Six-second kisses and routines for intimacy
• 57:33 – 61:44: Best advice for finding fulfillment while single

Memorable Moments

• Jana’s Story of “Turning the Shell” (34:07):
  The epic, invented breakup ceremony with the abalone shell that turns deeply awkward and hilarious when he forgets his car keys.
• Nicole’s Cookie Meltdown (47:01):
  "What would you do if someone gave you a chocolate chip cookie without the chips?" (Nicole, moved to tears.)
• Jana on Being Publicly Fat and Happy (23:07):
  “I probably could have gotten a new boyfriend just right outside, 100%. ... The culture is changing.”

Tone

• Candid, Playful, Irreverent: Nicole and Jana are unfiltered, matching each other in wisdom and wit, blending self-deprecation with empowerment and humor.
• Vulnerable & Insightful: Both are open about insecurities, histories, and what it takes to be seen and loved authentically.

Conclusion

"Chubby Chasers" is an incisive, heartfelt, and riotously funny exploration of dating while fat—full of practical wisdom, hard-won confidence, and a celebration of all the ways visibility and desire can (finally) come together for those who once felt overlooked. Jana and Nicole’s stories and chemistry put a hilarious, humane spotlight on the reality of fat dating, love, and friendship.

Recommended for: Anyone interested in dating culture, body positivity, fat liberation, or just looking for a deeply entertaining listen about the real, messy, delightful sides of romance.