← Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer
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- [00:01]
A
Love the podcast. You'll love seeing even more of it on video. Watch this full episode on YouTube. Just check the description for the link. Subscribe so you don't miss out. New video episodes drop every Friday.
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B
This is a Headgum podcast.
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A
If you've been thinking about upgrading your space, this is your sign baby. Macy's is having their big ticket sales event and it's the time to snag the cute comfy stuff you've been eyeing. And they have your whole home covered. We're Talking up to 60 off furniture, mattresses and rugs during their lowest prices of the season event. And that Radley five piece sectional it is just $2,179 right now and that's the kind of couch that you can have sleepovers on or fall asleep on while your date watches Lord of the rings for the 100th time. And you said not today Satan. I've been looking at new rugs too. Because listen, nothing pulls a room together like a rug that says yes, I I'm grown but I still have what fun. Macy's has them for 55 to 65 off. They've also got outdoor furniture up to 60 off, white glove delivery and great financing options. This sale is only running until September 15th, so don't sleep on it or do on your brand new mattress, which by the way is also 20 to 60% off. Hello Honk Shoe Honk Shoe Honk Shoe shop. The big ticket sales now@macy's.com or in store. You your home deserves it.
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B
Quick time to choose a meal deal with McValue.
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A
The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6.
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B
McDouble meal deal or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its.
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A
Own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets.
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B
There's actually no rush.
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A
I'm just excited for McDonald's.
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B
Price and participation may vary. Now. You know, I don't want to get too much into this and toot my own horn, but I've been invited to a cookout or two.
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A
Have you?
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B
I actually have. Can I tell you this? I probably wouldn't say if I wasn't so comfortable with you.
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A
Uh huh.
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B
Which I shouldn't even be that comfortable with you. I don't know why, but I'm so comfortable with you.
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A
I. I feel like I'm a person where you can just talk to me.
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B
You know what? I guess I knew you before I knew you because my little sister Yehudis is has always been your biggest fan.
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A
And I made a video for her Right?
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B
Yes, yes. Yeah. And she, by the way, loves your necklace.
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A
Thank you.
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B
It's a topic of discussion at a show we did. She's very happy for you.
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A
Tell her thank you.
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B
Shout out to Horace. And here it is. It's happening for you. But this was the first Juneteenth I'm sharing this story. I didn't know of Juneteenth, but I was living in a. After a big breakup I had like six years ago or five years ago. Six is five. I decided to move. I decided I'm just gonna get a little studio with one chair. And I'm just not like, I'm just gonna stack the money. Like I'm just not gonna.
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A
Oh, okay.
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B
Cause I was like paying for this girl. Like I was paying a ton of rent. I was working in New York. I was paying that. I said, you know what? We're doing nil on rent. I'm gonna pay like $1,200. I'm gonna live in one room and that way I can't even have people over. I just have one chair now. It's a reclining chair. It's my couch. It's my chair. But it's one. It's not for company.
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A
So it's just a recliner.
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B
It's a recliner.
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A
Okay.
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B
So I had my bed and I had a recliner.
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A
Have you seen the movie Trap?
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B
No.
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A
Josh Hartnett plays a murderer and he too had a studio with just a chair in it just to try think about his martyrs.
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B
By the way, the chair was amazing. From West Elm. It looked like a nice recliner. It wasn't La Z boy recliner. I elevated. Cause I said if I'm only gonna have one chair, I don't have to spend on all these furniture. I'm gonna buy a nice chair. Uh huh. Living on top of me was this girl Kim, who's an amazing writer. Shout out to Kim. And she was living with a gay dude. We won't shout him out.
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A
Yeah. Boo.
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B
Yeah. And she, she was living on top of me and we kind of became friendly. She was queer. She came out to me. She presents more feminine. So I felt like, you know. Then she was like, robbie, I want you to meet my, you know, my partner. And it was dyke. And I said, I see you, Kim. And Kim is black. And Kim for Juneteenth, which was the first time, it was 2020, so we shut down. Yes, Juneteenth was a big deal in 2020. I felt like more was made of it because a. It was after, you know, A lot of exposure obviously of the climate. But I think it was the first time it was recognized. But I could be wrong. Maybe it was a year before.
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A
Yeah, I think that was the year. They're like, it's now a federal holiday.
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B
That's what I'm saying.
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A
They were like, this is not what we asked for.
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B
But okay, so. But it was still Covid ish. It was in the summer, so it was a few months after. And you still had to like kind of distance. And she came down to my little hovel that I called it. Cause I had one little window and you could kind of see me in it. You kind of like see me in the window?
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A
Uh huh.
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B
You know, and I see Kim's feet coming down. Cause her stairs are right there, like towards to her car. And she's like, by the way, like, just so you know, there's gonna be like a big, you know, cookout, people bringing different things. And this is not typical, but you're welcome to come. And I didn't really want to intrude. So then I was home and it was like, you know, 50 black people in my front yard, which we shared as one of these houses that's broken down. And I was in the havel space and. But she really insisted and she came to my apartment. This food and everything. And the food was phenomenal. And then I ended up like before I know it. I'm like having the best time at the Juneteenth, you know, cookout and eating. I feel that I didn't bring anything, but everybody saw how I was living. I didn't even have a real kitchen. I had a hot plate. Like it was not a hot plate. I had a hot plate that you would bring out if I wanted to make a steak or something.
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A
You made steaks on a hot plate?
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B
Yeah.
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A
Have you ever seen the videos of a man who. He'll like make spaghetti in his toilet.
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B
No.
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A
It's really upsetting.
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B
That's really upsetting. This is a clean hot plate.
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A
He'll like fill a sink with water and put a heater in it and boil things in his sink.
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B
Why?
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A
I don't know.
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B
Everything was nice in my hovel. I just want to be very clear. It was like as if this room was your apartment.
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A
Okay.
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B
Do you know what I mean? But much lower ceilings.
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A
Much lower ceilings.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Were you in a basement?
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B
Yeah, it was a basement. Oh my God, it was a basement.
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A
How long did you live there?
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B
I think like year and a half, two years.
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A
Well, let's start this episode okay, great.
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B
Well, anyway, so wait, what did you.
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A
Eat at the cookout?
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B
I ate everything. Tons of meats.
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A
Okay.
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B
And different macaroni salads I had.
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A
Was there Mac and cheese there?
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B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. A bunch of different types of things like that, which I enjoy. And I brought flowers was really the only thing. I didn't make anything. And the desserts were good and the conversation was terrific. But I haven't been back to a. But this is all to say that it is. I'd love an invite.
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A
Okay.
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B
To the summer cookout. Okay. I understand. Where it's not appropriate for me to be there.
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A
No, no, you can come.
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B
Spaces are spaces. But now I can make something. I'm a. I'm just saying I could make something.
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A
What can you make?
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B
You know, I can make guacamole.
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A
Okay.
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B
Okay. I can make steak and salad. I can make crab legs.
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A
You're gonna bring steak and salad to a cookout?
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B
If you want it, I'll take it.
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A
So the person you're listening to is a hilarious comedian whose name one of Vulture's comedians. You should know. She's written for shows like the Chris Gethard show, the Baroness Von Skett show, and you can hear on her own podcast called Too Far.
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B
New York Times calls it addictive.
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A
Oh, well, do a little at a time so you don't od. I'm thrilled she's here. It's Robbie Hoffman.
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B
I love you so much.
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A
I love you, Robbie. Thank you so much for being here.
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B
Than you for having me. This is really. This is a big one for me.
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A
Wait, so did you date when you were younger or did you. When did you start dating?
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B
I. Maybe I had my first girlfriend when I was 17.
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A
Okay.
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B
Yeah, no, I didn't date. I gave handjobs. And I was very slutty in that way. In, like, a Jewish school. Slutty. Because here's the thing. I was the poor kid at this great, amazing school. Like, that was a huge privilege that I went to this, like, private Jewish school that was like a million dollars a year, and I went on subsidy. So that's why what really highlighted how poor I was was that there was so many rich Jews. And then it started, like, dawning on me. Like, how do you even get born poor and Jewish anymore? Like, everything was, like. It felt so random. It felt so. Like. It felt like Final Destination. It's like, Jews haven't been that poor. Like, poor for a while now. Like, I felt like. But of course, the religious, it's different. But they are having all those kids, like, you know, it's a little bit their fault. It's a little bit this. Whatever. When you're porn, you don't have, like, the clothes and stuff, you know? Like, I remember free dress day. I was the kind of kid that said, oh, I forgot it was free dress day. I wore my uniform just because I didn't have, like.
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A
Yeah.
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B
You know, didn't have, like, the newest.
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A
Latest shit.
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B
Yeah. I didn't have, like, miss 60 jeans. Like, my best friend sat me down when I was, like, in ninth grade, and she was like, you're bringing down the group. You need a pair of Miss 60s.
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A
You're bringing down the group.
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B
This is what she told me. You're bringing down the group. You need to wear a purse. Like a bag.
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A
Like a little coach bag.
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B
Yeah. Like, I got one from Levi's.
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A
Okay.
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B
And it was like, what? It. You know, it was like. By the way, there were signs. It was green corduroy. But anyway, and. But she didn't want me to use a backpack anymore. I had to use this thing. But I'm like, but it's so heavy. Like, on. One should. Like, I can't. But she was like, I don't care what it is. You put it in there. Okay. So this happened. But then free dress day, so I would always come. But I did bring the topics.
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A
The topics.
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B
Like, I brought, like, the, like, you know, the tea. And I was good at talking. Like, I brought, like, the hot topics.
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A
Oh. I was like, what are you talking about? So you contributed in a different way to the group.
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B
Yeah, like, my friends, like, you know, like, I remember we went out when we were, like, 17 or 18. Yeah. You know, they paid maybe for the cab or whatever. These people got allowance, and so we got a cab.
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A
These people?
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B
Yeah. And we went. We went.
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A
These people got allowed.
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B
We went, like, downtown, and we were at this. This place, this really fancy hotel where all these hockey players would, like, go and drink on their off nights or something. And, you know, we would go without. You know, we would sneak in. We're like, can you believe they let us in? It's like, yeah, eight slutty girls, like, who are like 17. I'm like, we got in, like, as if it's a win. Like, these are all pedophiles.
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A
Yeah. I mean, yes, it is. W. When you're like a teen, you're like, I can't believe they let me in. It's like, of course they did.
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B
Yeah. I remember, actually, our friend John, who was like, had a car or something came with us once and they didn't let him in, but they let all of us in, of course. And they said it was his shoes. And I'm like. I was like, well, those shoes. And it's like, no, clearly they don't want John there.
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A
Yeah, they don't want men in there. There's enough men.
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B
There's enough men. So. But I would be the one in the group. So I had no money for drinks, but I'm like, girls, we are drinking first round for free. I would go up to literally table. And I'm telling you, at these places, like Justin Trudeau was there and like hockey players. Like, it was like a scene.
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A
The creme de la creme of Canada.
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B
It really was the creme de la creme of Canada. So they had an inn. They would put us on a list, whatever, whatever. And I would go. I'd be like, fellas, what are we drinking? I would like go to the tables.
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A
That had the 17.
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B
You had games? Yeah, that had like the bottles, you know, the Grey Goose and the girl there all night. Like, I would be like, what are we drinking? And we'd all be sitting in your separate carafe for the orange juice. You know, like the whole table.
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A
Yeah. What? Table service? What is it called?
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B
Yeah, table service. Yeah, yeah, table service. So we. Oh, sure. And I'm like, oh, I have some friends. It's like, well, sure, these are 40 year old pedophiles, you know, and we're sitting there. So it was just. I always. I made sure I earned my stay.
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A
I don't have any money, but I can get us drinks.
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B
I'm gonna get us dick. I'm gonna get us drinks. I was very fine about that.
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A
So you were a madam.
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B
Yeah. I'd be like, what do you like? I was literally like, I just didn't care.
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A
Wait, that's so wild. I really love this side of you.
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B
Thank you.
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A
And then when you were in Montreal and you were like running around getting dick and stuff, were you on the low dating women or were you like bi?
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B
Like, yeah. So I was. I guess I had my first girlfriend at like 17 or 18. I was very secret. And then. And then I was out. And then I was. And then I wanted to sleep with a guy, like, just in case. Then I like, wasn't. You know, I'm like, well, this is a big decision, you know? Cause I thought even as a kid, like, well, if you ever want a tattoo, you wait a year, you know, These aren't Willy Nilly's Very pragmatic.
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A
I think I'm using that correctly.
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B
Thank you. And then like, you know, with my top surgery, I remember I wanted that, you know, I was like, well, tattoo you wait a year. Top surgery. We're waiting too, you know. So I make these like, rules for myself. So the same with gay. I'm like, well, let's hold the horses. This is the rest of your Life, Ron. You're 17 years old. What do you know?
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A
You can't go back.
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B
Yeah. You're not like, you could still marry rich, you know, these guys. Like you could, you could have what you wanted. Which was at the time, really not to do much if I could get away with doing nothing. And being rich was a real.
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A
A nice dream.
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B
It was a very big dream. And I was getting rich boys. Oh, the boys. Into me were these rich Jews who were like, I was bringing all the like, fun convo.
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A
Uh huh.
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B
You know, I was hot. Whatever. I got along with their parents, you know, and I was hot.
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A
Whatever.
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B
No, but like, literally I was using everything. Like the only thing I didn't have was money, which was. Which was judged at that point. I remember this guy, Ryan was like, he. Once I was close enough to him, he dropped me off as my mother's house. And he's like, this is your mother's house?
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A
Oh my God. He said it out loud.
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B
He said it out loud.
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A
That's fucked up.
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B
He said it out loud.
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A
That's an inside thought. That's something you keep on the inside.
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B
No, it really, I could, but his house feel that he. Something changed in his feelings for me and it made me feel like I needed rich people. You know what I mean? And so we're not friends anymore. But for the longest time I thought, well, he would always say things like, who's gonna do this for you? Who's gonna do that? And then I started realizing, well, I'm probably gonna have to do it for myself. Cause I can't take that sort of heaviness.
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A
That's like Cher. Cher was like, I don't know, somebody said something about her marrying a rich guy and she was like, I am the rich man, mother. I think her mom asked her that. And you are your own rich man.
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B
I am. We're getting there. We're getting there. So, yeah, so I dated and I slept with him. I decided to sleep with him. But it was, it was.
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A
Even though he was mean to you.
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B
You'Re like, so this was. This was before. I think I started losing like my luster on him because he was also really smart. Mm. Which I've always liked. Like, my favorite type of men are very smart men. This is, you know, so I've always. I'm like, but he's really smart. I really like. For some reason, I like when a guy is really smart. Which of course sounds obvious, but I don't know. And not that I find it surprising when they are, but it feels like of an older sense of a man. Like somebody who's just really smart, but they don't really have much else. I mean, he was rich too, but it's like, I don't know. I let them get away with murder, I guess, if they're really like. I thought he was like. So anyway, so I decided one day we should have sex.
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A
And he was like.
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B
And he was like, naked. Three seconds later, he's like, let's fucking do this. Yeah. And he was like, really lanky. And you know, he was like 6, 2 and 12 pounds. And you know, and he was like skinnier than me. And I was skinny. And the whole thing. I was like, you know what? Nevermind. Get dressed. I regret the whole thing. And he's like, okay. He's like shuffling back, getting dressed, and then I come back later.
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A
Wait, did you say I regret the whole thing?
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B
Yeah, I was like, you know what? Cause you're standing on naked, like the lights on, like the snow. Like the whole thing turned me off. But then my sister was like, you just have to push through. My sister. My sister was like. My older sister was like, you really just have to push through. If you want to have sex. It's going to be bad for a while, but just do it a bunch.
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A
And then it's going to be bad for a while.
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B
Yeah, it'll hurt. Okay. So anyway, so then I decide we're gonna have sex. So I'm like, okay, let's really do it. So he's on top of me and two, three, thrust in. I said, get off of me. Get off of me. And we woke up in the morning, I said, your armpit hair. The whole thing was throwing me off. I didn't like the proximity. It's like on top of me, but the tuft of armpit hair is still to this day, so impossible for me to get over that. I don't even remember anything else about it. And then the next morning, so I was like, yeah, I'm really unattracted to you. And then he says. He said Rivka, which is my given name. He said, rivka. We have an undeniable Sexual chemistry.
- [17:53]
A
And. Wait, how old are you?
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B
We're like 21 by here.
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A
Okay. We have an undeniable sexual chemistry where you were like, I don't like this. No, I don't want those.
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B
It was maybe three pumps.
- [18:05]
A
Oh, boy.
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B
Undeniable sexual chemistry.
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A
And what did you say?
- [18:10]
B
What did you say? I was just like, I'm gay.
- [18:16]
A
Did you come out to your mom?
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B
I did.
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A
What did she say? Did she go. I knew.
- [18:20]
B
No, she was fine. I was outed. And I just talked about this. I won't rehouse, but I was outed. And then I found, like, I felt like my siblings might go home. I was more outed socially first. Like, my. My class and stuff knew about it or people I went to school with, and so I kind of ran home. I was living on my own at the time. I was probably 17 or 18. And I kind of went to my mom's, and I was like, ma, I have a girlfriend. She's blonde. And she was like, does she want to come for Shabbos? I'm like, nobody wants to come here. And she was very, very good. Now she's Jews for Jesus, so she's homophobic again. But she had a good window to complete a circle. Yeah, she had a good window when.
- [19:04]
A
She wasn't Jews for Jesus. Yeah, well, don't Jews believe that Jesus existed?
- [19:11]
B
Yeah, of course, Yehoshua. We just don't know. Judaism doesn't have defined, like, this is God, this isn't God. This is. Never mind a narrative. This is God's stepmother. This is his son. This is. You know, we don't. We think it's all possible. We just. We don't have these defined versions. We think that they were a good people, but we don't have saints or an elevation of people or kings or things like that. We did have leaders, like King David and stuff, but they were more so like community leaders or something. It doesn't. We just don't have that hierarchy of, like, sainthood or bishops or. Every person is. Can be as special as the next person.
- [19:52]
A
Have you read the Torah?
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B
Yeah, like, front to back probably a few times.
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A
Really?
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B
Yeah.
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A
I grew up in the church, and I've never read the Bible front to back. That shit is hard.
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B
We had a class called Tanakh where we just went through it. So I think you went through it, like, every year in school.
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A
Oh, my God. That's a lot.
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B
It was a lot. But, like, each chapter takes, like, you know, even two lines could be like, well, what does this word mean? And God put this and he would have put the plural, but you'll notice he put it in the singular. And what does that tell us? This was my class. Like that's wild. Like it would be like and the Jew is like a diamond. It may look rough, it may be bent out of shape, but underneath is a neshama as a soul. And it's like, where are we going with this? You're like 14 sitting in the stock class. Like, what is going on with this man?
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A
What is this? Wait, that's funny. Robbie, we have to take a break.
- [20:51]
B
Let's do it.
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A
Quick.
- [20:59]
B
Time to choose a meal deal with McValue.
- [21:01]
A
The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6.
- [21:03]
B
McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its.
- [21:07]
A
Own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's.
- [21:12]
B
Price and participation may vary.
- [21:14]
A
Audible's romance collection has something to satisfy every side of you when it comes to what kind of romance you're into.
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B
You don't have to choose just one.
- [21:21]
A
Fancy a dalliance with a Duke or maybe a steamy billionaire. You could find a book boyfriend in the city and another one tearing it up on the hockey field. And if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm. Discover modern rom coms from authors like Lily Chu and Ali Hazelwood, the latest romantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and Rebecca Yarros, plus Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander, and of course, all the really steamy stuff. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery that's audible.com wondery did you know that parents rank financial literacy as the number one most difficult life skill to teach? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app for families with greenlight. You can send money to kids quickly, set up chores automate allowance, and keep an eye on your kids spending with real time notifications. Kids learn to earn, save and spend wisely. And parents can rest easy knowing their kids are learning about money with guardrails in place. Try Greenlight Risk free today@greenlight.com wondery so when you're dating, what is like one of the worst dates you've been on?
- [22:35]
B
The worst date I had and by the way, I will leave a bad date and it is not personal. I went out with somebody who, you know, profile alone. This is one of my first so not an app date but before apps, whatever.
- [22:51]
A
Okay.
- [22:52]
B
I'm probably like, 20. I don't even know.
- [22:54]
A
And so what is this, like, eharmony? You're on the Internet.
- [22:57]
B
It was like, plenty of fish.
- [22:58]
A
Okay.
- [23:01]
B
And just single profile. I get to the date. She's married. She's like. She's in a. They're like. But she's allowed to.
- [23:12]
A
They're open.
- [23:12]
B
They're open and she's married. Is that gonna be a problem? Like, yeah, that's gonna be a problem. Yeah. Because you didn't state that.
- [23:20]
A
Yeah.
- [23:21]
B
And now I've come out here, I've taken the metro. I bought you a drink. It's like, now I'm $20 in the hole. I've taken the Metro here. And you're married. So, yeah, it's gonna be a problem because it's fuck outside. And then the drink finishes and she goes, would you like to stay for another one? I'm like, no.
- [23:40]
A
Did you say this out loud? You're like, no, no, I simply don't want to.
- [23:43]
B
Said, I don't feel there's a connection here. And I will be disengaging from this date.
- [23:50]
A
Okay.
- [23:50]
B
And good luck with your husband and whatever else.
- [23:53]
A
Yeah, I think that's something you disclose. You have to say, I'm married and we're open now.
- [23:58]
B
They do say that, but it's like, at the time, it's like, I hope that's not going to be a problem. She made it seem casual. Casual. It's like, I know. It's a massive problem already here.
- [24:08]
A
Yeah.
- [24:09]
B
I mean, heads up, I'm on the subway. 40 minutes, it's minus 20 outside. I've taken cash out of the ATM for this. Cash only. Fuck the fucking bar. And now you're like, it's obscene.
- [24:23]
A
It is fucked up. I'm sorry, Robbie.
- [24:26]
B
So, yeah. So just as upfront as you can be, I think so if you're online dating, give a strange. Give a profile. Give a. Yeah, if you have a dog, put it in there. Why not? You don't know if the dogs are going to be. You have a cat. Hold it up. I'm just saying you have a husband.
- [24:49]
A
Hold it up. Hold up that husband.
- [24:52]
B
Anything that might affect the other person. Anything that forces the other person into a new relationship.
- [25:00]
A
I think that's smart.
- [25:01]
B
It's a matter of consent.
- [25:03]
A
I would like to hear more about your dates.
- [25:05]
B
Okay. So that's that.
- [25:06]
A
Okay. Have you ever had Chuckle Fuckers? Like, you start doing standup and then women start throwing themselves at you? They're like, oh, my God, Robbie, you're so fucking funny. This, that, and the other. I want to get with you.
- [25:17]
B
This doesn't happen to women.
- [25:19]
A
I.
- [25:19]
B
Yes, this is like. This happens to do comics.
- [25:23]
A
Yes, I know, but, like, every now and again, I'll meet a lady who's like, yeah, it's happened, but very few.
- [25:30]
B
Yeah, it barely. First of all, I don't look approachable.
- [25:33]
A
No. What?
- [25:34]
B
I am approaching. No, but people. People, after they see me on stage or I get out the most of my angst, I don't think I read approachable, which is very good for me. But. So, no, I don't have that a ton. That said, it certainly helps in my love life to have the. You know, to have the. I hate the word chuckle. You must too, isn't it? Just chuckle.
- [25:59]
A
Tee hee hee da ba ba ba ba ba boo.
- [26:02]
B
Chuckle.
- [26:03]
A
I don't mind it.
- [26:03]
B
But for us to be funny, it's helpful for us. Yes, it's certainly helpful, but you gotta use whatever you have. So. Yeah. I don't know.
- [26:17]
A
How did you meet your current partner?
- [26:18]
B
I met her outside.
- [26:20]
A
What?
- [26:23]
B
I met her. So I just.
- [26:24]
A
Outside?
- [26:25]
B
No, I was catching up with a friend at the end of the night, and then we went outside to bum a cigarette, and then there wasn't really anyone there, and she was standing right on the curb with a few friends, and one of the friends was looking at me like a dyke looking. You know, it was kind of a queer space and, you know, like a masculine kind of dyke was looking me. I was like, we really should go. Yeah. Because I'm not gay like that.
- [26:49]
A
What do you mean?
- [26:50]
B
Like, like, you know, dike to dyke. Like, like mask to Malik. I'm not. I don't do the mask for mask, you know, like, that's like real gay. Like, the only thing I would feel gay. Like, I don't feel like I look like this and Gabby looks like her. Like, basically the boy one kind of the girl one.
- [27:09]
A
Like the boy one and the girl one.
- [27:10]
B
Yeah, it kind of. We live a very. Almost a heteronormative lifestyle.
- [27:16]
A
Okay.
- [27:17]
B
Like. Okay, like, basically the only gay thing about me is that I'm gay. But other than that, I'm not even.
- [27:27]
A
The only gay thing about me is I fudge women. And I'm a woman.
- [27:30]
B
Yeah. The only thing that would make me feel gay is one like a mask, like this, like a dyke, another like, g lesbian. Because I'm like, what am I, fucking gay? Like, I'm just like, what are you doing? But that's you know, that exists in the scene. And I wish him well. You know, the real gays. I consider you guys the real gays. So she was coming up to me. I'm like, oh, no. But miracle sent by God above, this dyke recognized me for my standup, which was starting to happen a little bit, but never an opportune time. It happens when I'm like, alone on the street outside the cvs. It's like, nobody saw this. This is going nowhere. It's not helpful. Okay. But I get spotted. Oh, I just a big fan of your stand up. Within earshot of Gabby at this point. I've clocked and looked at, and I'm.
- [28:22]
A
You're into.
- [28:23]
B
I'm into. I'm going, one of these things doesn't belong here. We're at this, like, queer dyke, you know, bar. I'm like. So I'm like, forget you. I'm like, thank you so much. You know, I'm elevating. I'm making it as loud as possible. Yes, yeah, yeah, to yourself.
- [28:40]
A
Keep talking.
- [28:41]
B
A little switch joke in particular resonated.
- [28:45]
A
What specific joke is your favorite?
- [28:48]
B
Yeah. And so I go, well, never mind you. Who's that? And they go, oh, it's. It's a bachelor.
- [28:53]
A
Never mind you.
- [28:55]
B
I was like, the bachelor's gay, huh? And they were like, no, whatever, she's exploring. And. And I was like, well, how old are you? And she was like, 32. I'm like, exploring. What are you, Dora the Explorer? What are you, 16? It's over. You're 32.
- [29:11]
A
It's over.
- [29:13]
B
So then I just, you know, I said, I don't want to mince words. I don't want to, you know, I know you're leaving. Their Uber was coming or whatever. I was like, I gotta get your number and take you out. I'll be back next week. And yeah, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask you out. And we had a very good banter. And her friend was like. And the first question. So I sat exploring. And then she was like, yeah, I'm kind of exploring. She's like, in these Daisy Dukes and whatever. And I'm like. And then I was like, do you come for money or scrummy? That's my second question. Because I really have considered after dating, my advice to people is like, date within your class. Not current class necessarily, but how you grew up. To me, that's like dating outside of the faith.
- [29:59]
A
Okay.
- [30:00]
B
It's like how you grew up because money is such the current religion or the current unfortunate reality of the world that we're living in, it permeates every facet of your life. So it's one of those things that is like religion that is like if somebody wakes up and prays or, you know, it's so fundamental to all of your interactions and transactions and everything. So when I dated like rich girls in the past, there's always been kind of a hiccup. Even if I have, I've had more money than them in the current. But because they grew up with money, that there's a different just lifestyle inherent.
- [30:44]
A
Different way of acting.
- [30:45]
B
Yeah. Like sometimes, you know, okay, I don't want to spend 7.99 on raspberries. I understand. I have the money in the account, but that is a price that is too far for me at this point. That's just not something I. I'm not there yet.
- [31:00]
A
Okay.
- [31:00]
B
Okay. It doesn't mean just because the money's there, it's. I don't find that value. It doesn't mean I won't spend. But hiccups like that are kind of with you throughout your life of whatever if you, you know, we all have different relationships to money. So she thankfully was like, well, I don't know. I grew up on the military. I'm like, say no more. And I was like, I really, you know, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask you out. And then her friend was like, I'll give you her number because her friend was a fan of mine. Friends with her. And I said, I'm not taking nothing from you. I'm getting it from the source. I'm testing the number right now. So I text her, Robbie Hoffman.
- [31:39]
A
Uh huh.
- [31:40]
B
She gets it. I go, a little response would be nice. And she hits me with the Gabby.
- [31:47]
A
Uh huh.
- [31:49]
B
And then I was back. It's funny, I was with Adam Friedland. I was like, low on. I was feeling low on money or something. That, that month, it was like, I was like, adam, can I open for you on tour or whatever. He's like, on the night, which dates? I'm like, will you pay for my room?
- [32:09]
A
Will you fly me out?
- [32:11]
B
Yeah, can I have an Uber? And he did. But the whole time I was like, it'll be fine. We'll hang out. And I'm like, with a mask. Why are you wearing this mask? Why won't you hang? He's like, why can't we watch a movie? I'm like, I can't hang out with you. Holy. Cause I didn't want to get Covid.
- [32:25]
A
Yes. Because you had a mission. You had to get back home.
- [32:27]
B
Yeah.
- [32:27]
A
And go out with Gabby.
- [32:28]
B
Yeah, because I had to go home. And he's like, well, what did you book? She books. Robbie Uffman books. I'm like, this is better than any booking you could think of. And I took her out, I got the car detailed, cleaned, and I picked her up.
- [32:44]
A
Is this your current car or your old car?
- [32:46]
B
This is my current car.
- [32:47]
A
Oh.
- [32:48]
B
Which is also an old car from 2007.
- [32:50]
A
It's still a Porsche.
- [32:51]
B
It is. That's what I tell people. You can judge my Porsche. It's a Porsche.
- [32:57]
A
It's a Porsche.
- [32:59]
B
Okay. $13,000, and it's a fun car. And I don't have a car payment. You guys are leasing your 30 Kias for 350amonth. It's ridiculous. I'm passing you on the freeway. No problem. They got 350amonth on this Kia. It just. It doesn't get any better.
- [33:26]
A
Where did you go on your first date?
- [33:28]
B
We went to a restaurant called Mother Wolf, which.
- [33:32]
A
I like it. You don't like it. What did you get? Have you had the brain?
- [33:37]
B
It was a Monday night.
- [33:39]
A
Okay.
- [33:40]
B
There's nothing really on Monday night. Lot of cuisine that I like, a lot of Asian is closed, so I couldn't bring her to. Okay, takes the French restaurant near me is closed. There's a lot closed on Monday, so I wasn't really in my spaces. Like, I like to know the restaurant, you know? And there's only a couple that I have that I'm, like, comfortable. So this is, like, my friend. Oh, my friend. This is my friend Kathleen. Shout out to Kathleen Monroe, who's the lead of Law and Order Toronto now. Booked a huge gig and just killing it in the face of Canada, really. I called her to make my reservation because I said, don't let. I never get good with these reservations on the call, you know? And I want a good table. I said, the corner table, something. And whenever I asked, they're like, well, we can't make any promises. Like, just promise me. Just. Well, I said, why can't you make promises?
- [34:36]
A
It's Monday.
- [34:36]
B
What do you do? Like, so Kathleen called, and I was like, so she's like, I have her as. I'm like, but you have to make sure it's under my name. It can't be under Kathleen. There's no way I can show up. And the reso is under Kathleen. There's no explaining that.
- [34:54]
A
You could just be like, my friend made the Reservation.
- [34:56]
B
You can't. To a girl or.
- [34:58]
A
My assistant made the reservation.
- [34:59]
B
Yeah. She would say, who's Kathleen?
- [35:01]
A
Oh, I see.
- [35:03]
B
To a girl. They don't like any other girl name. If I said Michael, if I said anything, it would be fine. Oh, it's a two for Kathleen. It's not good. No, you don't want to start on a hiccup. Make things as smooth as possible. Make sure you have a good reservation. Wash the car, pick up, and that's it, you know? Wait, you.
- [35:27]
A
That's wild that you picked her up on the first date. I don't let people pick me up.
- [35:32]
B
Well, maybe for the right guy, you would.
- [35:34]
A
You gotta meet at the location. So then I have an out. Because I feel like if you brought me, you have to take me.
- [35:42]
B
Yeah.
- [35:44]
A
And then I feel like it's rude if you brought me and then I decide to be taken by an Uber or something.
- [35:50]
B
Sure, but you're allowed to be rude.
- [35:52]
A
Hmm. That is nice. Robbie, how was dinner? What did you get?
- [35:58]
B
It was excellent. So the food was good. I do think it's very overpriced. I really, really do. I really don't think a wine. A glass of wine should be the cost of a bottle. I don't care what restaurant. I don't think it should be 18 dol. It's just. It's not even a thing. It's just, you guys, you know, it's egregious.
- [36:19]
A
Well, they have to pay for rent and stuff and they have to pay for the staff.
- [36:23]
B
Yeah, but we're paying the staff because we're paying the tip and the extra service fee for the staff that the restaurant is not paying for the staff. They're putting it on us. They did tell me that they were paying the staff and we didn't have another 5% service charge there for the staff. And they tell you it's so they can have proper wages. You do that. You do that. I just paid 18.
- [36:46]
A
It is wild that servers get paid like $2 an hour.
- [36:50]
B
Exactly. They should have minimum wage plus tips.
- [36:53]
A
They should.
- [36:54]
B
Yeah.
- [36:54]
A
Or more than minimum wage. So we can eliminate tipping.
- [36:57]
B
Yeah.
- [36:57]
A
Did you know that stems from racism?
- [36:59]
B
I do.
- [37:00]
A
Isn't that wild?
- [37:01]
B
Yeah. No, I got a lot of flack for this, but it absolutely stems from racism because people would take the. You know.
- [37:06]
A
Who gave you flack?
- [37:08]
B
Oh, my God. I went viral with this. No tipping. We should stop tipping and start paying people a living wage. Leave us alone already. We should hold employers feet to the fire. And they should be. If you can't afford to pay employees for your business. You can't afford to open your business.
- [37:31]
A
People got mad at you about this.
- [37:32]
B
People were like, well, we're not going to change. I was like, no, we should not be levying wages onto the consumer because it continues to perpetuate a system where the poor are turned on the poor. The poor are supporting the poor. And it's really time to. Yeah, the model has gotten out of control. It stems from racism and sexism. Typically, servers are women. Servers were women and black women. And it's archaic. Yeah.
- [38:02]
A
I think we should do away tipping. We don't have to tip in Europe. No, because they get a living wage and that's.
- [38:07]
B
They get a living wage and that's.
- [38:08]
A
Like the same thing. When like whenever I see people be like, oh, airplane seats should be bigger. And people are like, no, you should just lose weight. And I'm like, but you would be more comfortable in a bigger seat.
- [38:18]
B
No, exactly. And I'm small and they're too small. Yes, they're too small.
- [38:22]
A
They're too tiny.
- [38:23]
B
They're too small. It shouldn't fit me exact.
- [38:25]
A
No, you're very small.
- [38:27]
B
I'm very. If something fits me exact. It's for children. It's for. It is for like I used to when I was on this kid's job, I worked on Odd Squad for which is a PBS show. We had the kid actors, you know, they were like 13, 14, these boys. I was the same size 13, 14 year old boy. So sometimes I would be a stand in. I'm like, the standing is not here, Robbie. That is a child.
- [38:51]
A
We'll be right back after this. Quick break.
- [39:00]
B
Quick time to choose a meal deal with McValue.
- [39:02]
A
The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6.
- [39:04]
B
McDouble meal deal, or the new $7.
- [39:06]
A
Daily Double meal deal, small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets.
- [39:11]
B
There's actually no rush.
- [39:12]
A
I'm just excited for McDonald's.
- [39:13]
B
Price and participation may vary.
- [39:15]
A
If you're shopping while working, eating or even listening to this podcast, then you know and love the thrill of a deal. But are you getting the deal and cash back? Rakuten shoppers, do they get the brands they love? Savings and cash back. And you can get it too. Start getting cash back at your favorite stores like Target, Sephora and even Expedia. Stack sales on top of cash back and feel what it's like to know you're maximizing the savings. It's easy to use and you get your cash back sent to you through paypal or check.
- [39:45]
B
The idea is simple.
- [39:46]
A
Stores pay Rakuten for sending them shoppers, and rakuten shares the money with you as cash back. Download the free rakuten app or go to rakuten.com to start saving today. It's the most rewarding way to shop. That's R a k u t e n rakuten.com so, okay, you go on this first date to mother wolf. You have a delicious, expensive dinner. Did you drop her off? Did you go to a second location?
- [40:12]
B
Yeah. So then I did that thing that I either saw it in Harry met sally or Annie Hall, One of these, like, early rom coms where it was like, you get the kiss out of the way. Oh, right. So I was like, I went to the bathroom. And I always remember that, like, I must have watched it when I was like, also, like, 15, 16. And I'm like, you got the kiss out of the way. Okay, so I went to the bathroom. I paid. Here's another tip if you're planning to pay. Typically you have to pee or go to the bathroom right after the meal. But, you know, let them bring the bill first. You don't want to leave your date with the bill sitting on the thing. And she felt like she had. So I don't care how badly I have to pee because typically by then you've had a glass of wine, some water, lots of food, you gotta pay. I wait, I put the check, I put the card, then I go pee. That's what I do. So that's just a order?
- [41:07]
A
The order of events that need to happen.
- [41:09]
B
Yeah, yeah. Because then it just looks bad if you come back and the bill's already there and you've. And she was like, no, no. And then sometimes I really enjoy the person. I did this on the second date on the way to the bathroom, I give the card, please cover this. And then. That's very exciting. Oh.
- [41:26]
A
Oh, you did it. Oh, my God. How fancy.
- [41:28]
B
It'll make you feel good. It makes them feel good, Everybody's happy. And so I go to the bathroom. I come back, I said, okay, I paid up. We're good. What we're gonna do is we're gonna go in the car, we're gonna kiss in the car.
- [41:45]
A
You said this out loud?
- [41:46]
B
Yeah, I said, what we're gonna do is we're gonna find the right song.
- [41:49]
A
Okay.
- [41:49]
B
We're gonna kiss in the car. I have a siggy. We'll share a siggy. We'll share a siggy. We'll sit, we'll Sit in the car. If we like kissing, we can continue to kiss in the car.
- [41:59]
A
Uh huh.
- [42:00]
B
I can bring you home, we can kiss there. I can drop you off. We kiss. We just. Let's take it from there. We don't even. Let's. We're gonna get in the car, we're gonna get our jackets, we're gonna find a song. And then I was taking. So then we get into the car, I was finding forever to find a song. And she didn't like my song. She's much better at music than me, you know, I got Lincoln Park. What song did you pick? I got like Linkin park. And I got like. I got like. No, yeah, yeah. I have like whatever music I have. I don't know what I have. I have like 40 songs. Okay.
- [42:32]
A
You don't have like apple music where you have like all the songs?
- [42:35]
B
I have music.
- [42:37]
A
Okay.
- [42:38]
B
Which nobody, nobody has that has. But I have it because my friend works at Amazon and gave me the sign in. But they're still in beta, I think, so they don't have all the tunes, you know, it's not like they have the newest Billy Island. Like they're not. They're not up to speed over there, Linkin Park. So anyway, so then I finally find a song. I don't even remember the song, but she was like, you have to kiss me. By the time. Kiss. It was amazing. We ended up going back to her house, we're kissing, making out, the whole thing.
- [43:06]
A
That's really sweet.
- [43:07]
B
Yeah. And then I left. 11 o'. Clock. Okay, I'm not overstaying. First of all, I've had a glass of wine. I'm not going to stay for another one. I'm driving. And then I go, you know what? It's 11 o'. Clock. I'm going. I'm taking it. We will plan next date. It'll be after tomorrow. It won't be tomorrow. It'll be after tomorrow.
- [43:28]
A
Why did it have to be after tomorrow?
- [43:30]
B
You need to suggest. But I didn't want her to think, oh, we're not waiting weeks either.
- [43:34]
A
Okay.
- [43:35]
B
We have a connection. Let's go. Mm.
- [43:37]
A
And how long has it been?
- [43:39]
B
It's been a year and a half. Over a year and a half.
- [43:42]
A
That's sweet. Yeah, that's so sweet.
- [43:44]
B
Yeah. And we still like. I love dating. We just went to Little Dom's yesterday.
- [43:49]
A
What'd you get?
- [43:51]
B
We got the white pasta with the peas and the cream.
- [43:54]
A
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [43:55]
B
What's it called?
- [43:56]
A
It's parpadelle.
- [43:59]
B
Yes. I think that's exactly. We got the rice balls, the sausage.
- [44:02]
A
Ugh, I like the rice balls.
- [44:03]
B
We got the carpaccio, the meat, the raw meat. I fuck with the raw meat. And we got, like, the gem salad.
- [44:12]
A
If you go on Fridays, they have lasagna.
- [44:15]
B
Yeah, well, but you got to go.
- [44:16]
A
Early because they sell out.
- [44:19]
B
It's the stress of these restaurants, guys. You can't be selling out of your product. I mean, this is. Does Apple run out of iPhones? I mean, what's going on?
- [44:29]
A
They do.
- [44:30]
B
Oh, they do? Yeah.
- [44:31]
A
I bought an iPhone once, and they didn't have the color I wanted, and I had to go back.
- [44:34]
B
What color did you want?
- [44:35]
A
I wanted pink. What? What? There's a case on it. You can't even, like, see it. Well, now this is a white one, because they didn't.
- [44:45]
B
I got a black phone. And look, it's basically blue. Oh, I don't know where it is. Oh, it's here. Isn't this blue?
- [44:51]
A
That is blue. Why don't you have a case on that?
- [44:54]
B
I don't fuck with the case.
- [44:55]
A
Why?
- [44:56]
B
I live life on the edge.
- [44:57]
A
But what if you drop it and.
- [44:58]
B
Crack it, is what it is.
- [45:00]
A
You'll just have a cracked phone.
- [45:02]
B
No, the thing is, is you get comfortable holding it. Like, first of all, I've dropped it so many times that I feel like it's hardened it.
- [45:09]
A
No, no.
- [45:10]
B
Okay. I do think. I do think it's, like, smashed it together more.
- [45:14]
A
But wait, that is a blue foam. That's not black.
- [45:17]
B
You get better at, like, in the beginning, the first week that you have no case, you're like. But then you actually. It's how it was intended. It's a piece of art, too. To me, this is how Steve Jobs would have wanted me to hold this.
- [45:29]
A
I'm glad you're upholding his legacy.
- [45:31]
B
I am. I think he would roll over if, after he died, you know, the first product they put out was this Apple watch, which is basically an iPhone, 3G on a strap, square and everything. He would roll over.
- [45:42]
A
You don't think he had any involvement in that?
- [45:45]
B
Yes. He would have waited 20 years, whatever it took, until it looked like this, if it didn't look like a regular watch. Remember how we. And I've talked about this, but it's so important for people who are innovating and doing this.
- [45:58]
A
Remember when people who aren't innovating, people.
- [46:03]
B
Who work in tech, you're out there in tech. Listen the fuck up. State of the art. That's technology and art. Marry them. Okay. He brought out the Apple MacBook Air in a manila envelope, regular envelope. He's like, the mail came in. Remember him? He comes out there, he goes, I wonder what's in this envelope? Takes out 15. This paper goes, we will.
- [46:33]
A
It was like.
- [46:34]
B
It was like, okay. He would have done this shit with this. Let's say the watch was ready. He wouldn't have rushed it. He would have been, like, strapping on his watch, buckling it on. He would have been like, it's live.
- [46:49]
A
It would have been like.
- [46:51]
B
Like, it just. It would have been like him getting dressed, like, putting on his watch. And it would have looked like a watch thin and, like, regular watch after. Like, it wouldn't be like the TV that is at art. Like, no, it would have. You would have thought it was a watch. And it's still a square. Can you imagine that? IPhone is. Or Apple is still putting out the Apple Watch. And it's a bubbly square. A watch. There's never been a watch shape like that. There's been the square. There's been the tank. There's been the Cartier. Not the rounded edge square. It looks like no other watch because it is not a watch. It is a mini iPhone on a fucking strap that nobody cares. You could swap out.
- [47:42]
A
I tried to wear one for the longest time. I don't. I didn't like it. No, it doesn't look right.
- [47:47]
B
No.
- [47:47]
A
I even put, like, a little, like, a chainy kind of band on it. It just didn't look right.
- [47:53]
B
It does not look right. Because it isn't right if it doesn't look right, if it doesn't smell right, something's off. Something's off. It should just be a watch. We're still not as. We never think somebody's wearing a watch. We think they're wearing an Apple watch, which is not a watch.
- [48:07]
A
It's not a watch.
- [48:10]
B
So he. It saddens me that he would, you know, he would see such a product with his. You know, there's no way he would have put that out. But anyway, Robbie. Somber note to end on but no.
- [48:29]
A
No, we're gonna bring it back up. Do you have any advice for single people?
- [48:34]
B
I do.
- [48:35]
A
Okay.
- [48:36]
B
This is actually. I think we've overcomplicated dating. There's so many options. There's so many things, and there's a simple equation that we're forgetting, and it applies to everyone.
- [48:46]
A
Okay.
- [48:47]
B
Okay. And this is a new theory that I've developed. So it's, you know, bear with me in the future.
- [48:50]
A
How new?
- [48:51]
B
This is the first time I'm telling you.
- [48:52]
A
Ooh.
- [48:53]
B
Okay. I think per every relationship, per every relationship, you need one hot person.
- [49:03]
A
Okay.
- [49:04]
B
One smart. How you divvy it up? I don't give a fuck.
- [49:10]
A
Okay.
- [49:10]
B
It's a simple equation. One hot, one smart. How you divvy? You need a hundred in both, though. You need a hundred. Okay. The classic example we see of this, okay, typically you see the older. The older smart guy. The older smart gentleman.
- [49:25]
A
Yes.
- [49:26]
B
You know, with like a young hot thing. Beautiful. It's a classic. We love it. That's like slipping into a pair of Calvins. Okay? Americans are never gonna get over that duo. It's here to stay. It's here to stay. But you ever see like an Abercrombie pretty boy type with like a bookish, you know, maybe glasses wearing girl? Not really a walk to remember. Was that a movie?
- [49:50]
A
It was.
- [49:50]
B
That shit works too.
- [49:52]
A
Okay.
- [49:52]
B
We don't see it as much, but it works.
- [49:54]
A
Okay, this works.
- [49:56]
B
This works. Right? One hot, one smart. How you. Who picks what? I don't give a. Even my relationship. People think of my relationship. Gabby's 100% the smart circle. Right. And I'm. No, the. Gabby's 100% the hot circle. I'm 100% the smart circle. No, no, no. Right. People assume Gabby. Gabby's the hot. Right. Now, I happen to be a little bit of a cutie.
- [50:19]
A
Yes.
- [50:20]
B
So I give myself 10% in that circle. I'm contributing.
- [50:24]
A
Yes.
- [50:25]
B
I'm giving her 90 still. Yes. There's no question she's got 90 there. But I. I've topped this off. I've topped us off. So we have 100 and that. Okay, now on the smart circle, people assume it's me. No, no. Gabby was an ICU nurse for eight years. Basically a fucking doctor through Covid. Okay? We share the smarts. 50. 50. Okay. It is one hot, one smart. How you divvy it? I don't care. Right. Two hot. Let's say as an example, you're looking, you're into looks, only you're swiping. Haha. Too hot. It can never work. Look at Hollywood, it's a disaster. JLO and Ben. How many times are going to try before they realize it's not going to happen? They're missing a whole fucking circle. J. Lo and Ben could never be. They're missing a circle.
- [51:12]
A
So who do you think Jaylo should be with?
- [51:14]
B
She needs smart.
- [51:18]
A
You don't think Ben Affleck's smart?
- [51:19]
B
I think together they're Both leaving with hot.
- [51:23]
A
Okay.
- [51:25]
B
So they probably. The circle is too much. They probably have 150, and they're in a deficit on the smart circle. Okay, because they're not idiots.
- [51:36]
A
No.
- [51:36]
B
Okay, but something's not working, and it's time to take a hard look. Okay, but sometimes you have two smarts. That's two ugos. You don't want that either. You got to be careful. That's why you need the hot, too. Like, it is as important. Both are as important. But some people are only swiping hot when they might have some hots. And I'm like, but you're bringing 70% hot. Why are you looking not 100% hot? Your smart circle's at 30%.
- [52:11]
A
I think you actually might be onto something.
- [52:14]
B
You just need to one smart. How you divvy? I don't care. Just get to that number. Hundred in both.
- [52:22]
A
I think that's good advice, Ronnie.
- [52:23]
B
You'll see hot girls looking for hot guys, and you'll see hot guys looking for hot girls. And I'm like, what? We're missing circles.
- [52:32]
A
We're missing the smart circles.
- [52:33]
B
And sometimes you see smart people looking for smart, and, you know, and they're wondering why they need to be hung from a. You know, they're doing all the weird kink. Whatever. It's like something's going on. Guys, they're overthinking it. Maybe they're the natural. They're not coming with the natural hot. They have to overthink it with swings and everything else.
- [52:51]
A
But maybe some people, like.
- [52:53]
B
No, I mean, that's also true. That's also true. That's also true. Doesn't mean if you're hot, you can't do. I'm just saying you'll notice that more of that stuff happens in those circles because they're overthinking it. Because they have to bring out. It's like somebody naturally. Right? We have to know what we are. Like if you, you know, I know. I'm probably 30, 70. What's your circle? Where are you standing with hot and smart? What do you need if you're a girl and you're bringing both. You have 50%, you're hot. 50%, you're smart. We need that match.
- [53:27]
A
I think I might be 50. 50.
- [53:30]
B
That's important.
- [53:30]
A
Or maybe I'm like 60. 40. I think I'm 60 hot. 40 smart.
- [53:37]
B
Well, here's why we give you 50. 50. Because comedy is so brilliant.
- [53:41]
A
Okay, I'm 50.
- [53:42]
B
50. Here's the thing with comedy. Comedy takes sarcasm. Anything with, like, a nuance or a deeper level or double entente or double meaning, I find, is, like, inherently smart. So comedy's a fun one because, yeah, I think comedians immediately, if they're doing well, they contribute a little bit more sometimes on the smart. Okay? And so we don't need to do as much as the other. Now do not come to me and you're not doing nothing else, if you. You know what I mean? So if you need to be lifting at the smarts department, you got to get. You know, if you're not bringing the smarts, definitely bring the six pack. Definitely. Please, sir. I see these girls with these guys. I'm like, why does. You're bringing everything. He's brought you nothing.
- [54:31]
A
I really do think you're onto something.
- [54:33]
B
It's a simple equation. One hot, one smart. How you divvy it up? I don't give a fuck, Robbie.
- [54:39]
A
I ask all my guests this. Is there anything you want to promote?
- [54:43]
B
Yes. The Too Far Pod, which we are finally recording. I mean, by the time it's February, who knows? Maybe it blew up. We don't know if it's combusted, if I'm Patreon only or where the hell I am, who knows? But Too Far Pod, New York Times calls Addictive, will be back. I'm also going to be on TV screens by this point, so maybe you'll know me a little bit more. Maybe you won't like me as much. Maybe you will. Okay. My acting, give it a chance. It's like, stand up. I've been doing it for acting I'm really getting better at. And you're gonna see with every project. Oh, yeah, she really is. And then for nudes or anything else, you can follow me on Instagram, Obi Hoffman. Just a couple of projects I want to know. I'll tell you in private. Isn't that cool to say? I can't talk about it here.
- [55:31]
A
Would you date me?
- [55:33]
B
I would date you in a heartbeat, Robbie.
- [55:35]
A
Thank you.
- [55:36]
B
Yeah. Who are you dating now? Do you talk about that on the podcast?
- [55:38]
A
I have. I. I am dating someone right now, and they're very sweet.
- [55:43]
B
Is it they? Them?
- [55:44]
A
No.
- [55:44]
B
No. Why'd you say they're very sweet?
- [55:48]
A
I don't know it. Because you can. He's a he.
- [55:51]
B
Okay, there we go. We like to know what he's back and you know what I mean. Tell me when to stop. Wow.
- [56:03]
A
Where'd you start? No, I can't do that.
- [56:05]
B
Okay.
- [56:06]
A
If you like this episode of why won't you Date me. You can like it, you could rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple podcasts. And if you write me something nasty, hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast gmail.com I will read it. We are running low, so please submit them. This is from the heart. Nicole made nachos her favorite treat with loads of cum. Instead of cheese piled high and complete, she sprinkled it thick, so melty and yum. Nicole was soon covered in mountains of cum. With each chip, she dipped the cum stretched wide.
- [56:38]
B
Why are they doing that?
- [56:40]
A
Because I asked for it.
- [56:41]
B
Why? Jesus.
- [56:43]
A
Because I like to be hit on. Stringy and gooey on every side. So if you see Nicole looking cummy and bright, she's been snacking on cum nachos all through the night. This is a poem. The cum came from me. Didn't you see? Nicole loves cum. Yes siree. Love Carson. Thank you, Carson. Thank you, Rob.
- [57:03]
B
Thank you, Carson. Thanks Nicole. You know I fucking love you. And if I ever got invited to your house, I'd bring flowers, a plant or steak and salad. Whatever you want.
- [57:14]
A
I want steak and salad.
- [57:15]
B
Okay, I'll do it. You can talk to tolov. You know Steph Tollef.
- [57:18]
A
Yes.
- [57:19]
B
When I make our steak frite with a salad, it's the one meal I make. It's excellent. Montreal steak spice.
- [57:26]
A
Steak spice.
- [57:27]
B
Yeah. Montreal is very known for their steak. Oh, well, I guess a lot of places are. We need to calm down.
- [57:32]
A
I didn't know that Montreal was known for steak.
- [57:35]
B
Yeah, meat in general. Smoked meat.
- [57:38]
A
Wait, really? Is this true?
- [57:39]
B
Oh yeah. Montreal smoked meat.
- [57:40]
A
I don't know why I'm asking you. Like you didn't live in Canada.
- [57:43]
B
Yeah. No, literally. Jesus. People doubt me. I don't know why. Bye.
- [57:50]
A
You've been listening to why Won't yout Date Me With Me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kanefskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of Content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our thieve music is arranged by Mike Comate. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then.
- [58:18]
B
Okay, bye. Bye. That was a Headgum podcast. Hi, I'm Ilana Hope Levinson. And I'm Dan o'. Sullivan. And this is the outfit, the new podcast from Higher Ground and Headgum. You know, we're two journalists who are slightly obsessed with the mob and organized crime and other nefarious Stuff like that.
- [58:38]
A
Every week, we're going to bring you.
- [58:39]
B
A story about a mobster. Some you've heard of, some you definitely haven't. But all of them are going to help explain why America is like this.
- [58:47]
A
See, the mob explains all sorts of.
- [58:49]
B
Things, from milk expiration dates to why.
- [58:52]
A
We got into Cuba to Las Vegas gay bars. Who knew?
- [58:56]
B
Who knew the mobs involved? All that and more. Subscribe to the outfit where? Wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday.
- [59:08]
A
What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney. And what's up, everybody?
- [59:11]
B
I'm Beck Bennett. And man.
- [59:12]
A
Ooh, I got.
- [59:13]
B
We got something to tell you. Oh, yeah, we definitely do.
- [59:16]
A
Yes. It's a brand new podcast on Headgum.
- [59:19]
B
That's right. And it's called what's Our Podcast?
- [59:21]
A
Yep. And that's because we don't have a.
- [59:25]
B
Single idea what our podcast should be about. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests. Guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about, and then we try it. Yep.
- [59:33]
A
Guests like Mark Marin, Jack Black, Brittany Broski. Caper Land. Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter.
- [59:39]
B
And Tim Boss. Landon Axler, Joanie McGree. And Dender. And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday, so subscribe to what's Our Podcast?
- [59:50]
A
On YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah, I'm gonna go do it right now.