Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer
Episode: How Your Attachment Style Predicts Your Dating Disasters
Guest: Sabrina Zohar (Dating Coach)
Original Air Date: February 14, 2025
Overview
On this special Valentine's Day episode, Nicole Byer welcomes dating coach Sabrina Zohar for a deep, hilariously honest conversation about attachment styles and their profound impact on our love lives. Nicole and Sabrina unpack how our earliest relationships set patterns that reverberate into adulthood, leading to dating “disasters”—plus how to break the cycle, regulate our nervous systems, and embrace healthier relationship dynamics.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
What Are Attachment Styles, and How Do They Show Up in Dating?
- Anxious Attachment: Characterized by hypervigilance, fear of abandonment, and “protest behaviors” (e.g., constantly checking the phone, over-texting, or issuing ultimatums). Both Nicole and Sabrina identify with this style.
- Avoidant Attachment: Marked by emotional distancing, shutting down, but equally rooted in anxiety—only expressed differently.
- Disorganized (Anxious-Avoidant) Attachment: Push-pull dynamic, common in upbringing involving abuse or high unpredictability.
- Secure Attachment: The ideal, but rare, marked by comfort with closeness and independence—"You're lucky to be with me!"
Notable Quote:
“Anxious people are also avoidant. Avoidant people are also anxious… As my anxious ass was running around town, I was avoiding looking at myself.” — Sabrina Zohar [04:00]
How to Recognize Your Attachment Pattern
- Hypervigilance when texting or waiting for a reply ([06:00])
- “Protest behavior”: Dramatic declarations to elicit a partner’s concern
“I guess I'll go walk into traffic, which is the thing I said all the time… in hindsight, is not okay.” — Nicole Byer [07:00]
- “Repetition compulsion”: Subconsciously dating people who trigger the same wounds as your caregivers ([09:40])
Regulating the Nervous System—Moving Toward Security
- Somatic Awareness: Checking in with your body—notice tension, physical cues ([11:57])
- Grounding Techniques:
- Go for a walk
- Five senses exercise (5-4-3-2-1)
- Scan surroundings and name things you see ([13:40])
- Journaling: Keep a “trigger journal” and a “glimmer journal” for patterns and wins ([26:47])
- Micro-Practices: Expand your tolerance window by tolerating small discomforts (“Today, I’ll wait a minute before texting back.”) ([27:33])
Notable Quote:
“You're not going to be able to get rid of what happened to you… But what I can change is my reaction to them.” — Sabrina Zohar [13:50]
“It takes 90 seconds for an emotion to run its course… but when we ruminate, it resets the clock.” — Sabrina Zohar [27:45]
Breaking Dysfunctional Dating Cycles
- Stop People-Pleasing & Self-Abandonment: Both Nicole and Sabrina share stories of dropping everything for flaky partners ([08:32-09:38])
- Self-Compassion: Recognize harmful patterns but don’t dwell in shame ([15:18])
Notable Quote:
“We think we’re such snowflakes, and you’re like, you’re not… It’s just the traumas are different—the core beliefs don’t change.” — Sabrina Zohar [42:18]
Reframing How You Date
- Instead of asking, “How do I feel about this person?”, ask: “How do I feel with this person?” ([16:36])
- Releasing the need to be “chosen”—focus on whether you are choosing the other ([16:36-17:51])
- Letting partners be an addition, not the center, of your life
Communication, Boundaries, and Maintaining Self
- Setting Boundaries Without Controlling the Other:
- “I won’t answer calls after 9pm.” ([61:59])
- “To avoid resentment…” — cue to express a concern, share impact without blame ([59:05])
- Communicate Intentions Early and Authentically:
- Don’t declare your “attachment style” on early dates, but do state what you want ([44:59-46:06])
- “Expectations are unmet needs”—know what you want ahead of time ([46:34])
- Vulnerability Is Key: Showing up as yourself invites the right people.
“When you show up authentically, like, you show up as you, you're gonna then allow people to accept you as you. And that's the most beautiful part.” — Sabrina Zohar [45:12]
Change, Growth, and Self-Acceptance
- Healing is a process of thousands of micro-repetitions—be patient and persistent ([43:00])
- Keep the focus on your own growth, not on diagnosing others ([39:22])
- Practice talking to and reparenting the younger, insecure version of yourself
“What would 10-year-old Nicole want to do right now? I choose you. I love you.” — Sabrina Zohar [41:10]
Notable Quotes & Moments (w/ Timestamps)
- “I sent him 173 texts because I couldn't sit with the… just non stop back and forth. Just like, please, please don't leave me.”
— Sabrina Zohar [03:23] - “The pinch doesn't match the ouch.”
— Sabrina Zohar [04:56] - “Am I waiting to be chosen, or do I choose myself?... How do I feel with this person?”
— Sabrina Zohar [16:36] - “We want the trauma tingles—just say what it is.”
— Sabrina Zohar [63:59] - “I can hurt your feelings. I can live with hurting your feelings, but I can't be and harmful to myself or to you.”
— Sabrina Zohar citing Matthias Barker [56:52] - 154:44 Nicole tells a story of seeing a man she was dating on a date with another woman—processing it from a more secure place
- “Expectations are unmet needs.”
— Sabrina Zohar [46:34] - “As long as it's coming from an authentic place... I think I'm stunning. Sometimes I just stare in the mirror and I'm like, oh, my God, I can't believe how cute you are.”
— Nicole Byer [48:17]
Practical Tools & Takeaways
- Attachment Patterns Are Malleable: You can move from anxious/avoidant toward earned security through regulation and self-awareness ([11:45], [38:17]).
- Body Awareness: When triggered, ask “How old do I feel?” to interrupt cycles ([11:57], [21:44]).
- Grounding in the Moment: Try walking, sensory exercises, or “scan for safety” ([13:40], [13:06]).
- Journaling: Track both triggers and small wins; healing is about repetition, not just epiphanies ([26:47], [27:45], [43:00]).
- Express Needs and Boundaries Clearly: Communicate what you truly want, and avoid people-pleasing at your own expense ([46:34], [56:52]).
- Find Compassion for Past Selves: Don’t dwell in shame; treat former versions of yourself with love ([41:10], [47:00])
- Focus on Compatibility, Not Pleasing: It’s not about molding yourself for someone else ([55:52], [56:04]).
Memorable/Funny Moments
- Both Nicole and Sabrina recount stories of self-abandonment (leaving parties or faking emergencies to see men who treated them poorly) with humor and honesty ([08:32-09:38]).
- Nicole’s description of “trauma tingles” as the dating spark that isn’t really “healthy” ([63:59]).
- Playful riffing about self-love rituals—hyping up old photos of themselves in awkward phases ([48:51]).
- A classic Nicole Byer moment: “You could come in my eye and tell me it was eye drops.” ([01:57])
- Sabrina’s story of running into someone she’d already slept with on a supposed blind date ([52:31]).
- The infamous “clam chowder in my pussy” letter ([67:23-68:01]).
Episode Structure with Noteworthy Timestamps
- [02:46] Introduction to Sabrina, her background, and personal attachment stories
- [04:00] Deep dive into anxious and avoidant attachment, the overlap, and childhood links
- [06:56] Personal anecdotes: protest behaviors and dating disaster stories
- [11:45] Sabrina’s journey from anxious attachment to secure—self-regulation and growth
- [13:40] Concrete nervous system regulation tools
- [16:36] Shifting dating frameworks—do you like them or do you want them to like you?
- [27:45] “90 seconds for an emotion to run its course”—journaling and self-compassion
- [34:04] Rundown of all four attachment styles; myths about “secure” attachment
- [44:59] Communicating intentions in dating—don’t announce your attachment style on date one
- [56:52] People-pleasing vs. boundaries—hurtful vs. harmful
- [59:05] “To avoid resentment” communication technique
- [61:21] Love is conditional; boundaries, self-respect, and healthy relationships
- [62:37] Final advice for singles: “Are you ready to receive it?”
- [63:44] Real-life examples of secure relationships in action
- [67:23] Nicole reads a listener’s NSFW “valentine”
FINAL THOUGHTS
This episode blends Nicole’s trademark humor with Sabrina’s expertise for an illuminating yet accessible guide to untangling your love life from your past. With wisdom, grounded exercises, and riotous relatability, it offers hope that even the toughest attachment patterns can be softened with intention, insight, and self-kindness.
Listen If You
- Want to understand why you get “unhinged” in dating or relationships
- Need realistic, actionable tools to break old cycles
- Appreciate candid, compassionate talk about mental health, self-worth, and the messy process of healing
- Love a healthy mix of advice, laughter, and wild personal stories
Guest Info:
Sabrina Zohar – Dating coach, podcaster, TikTok maven. Find her show and resources at sabrinazohar.com and across social media.
Host:
Nicole Byer — Comedian, author, and romantic truth-teller.
For more, subscribe to “Why Won’t You Date Me?” on your favorite platform and check out this episode’s full video on YouTube!