Losing Everything (w/ Tig Notaro)

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Losing Everything"

Why Won’t You Date Me? with Nicole Byer
Guest: Tig Notaro
Date: November 14, 2025

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Overview

In this heartfelt and hilarious episode, Nicole Byer welcomes comedian Tig Notaro for an intimate discussion about love, marriage, illness, grief, and personal transformation. Tig shares the story of meeting her wife Stephanie, surviving immense loss—including illness and the death of her mother—and how those experiences shaped her outlook on relationships and life. The two also reflect on self-acceptance, finding humor during tragedy, the joys and lessons of parenting twins, and why switching up your routine (and perspective) can be the catalyst for newfound happiness.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Finding and Sustaining Love (03:05–15:09)

• Tig’s Marriage to Stephanie: Married for over a decade (“a baker's dozen of years together”), Tig details how deep commitment, communication, and mutual growth keep their relationship vibrant. She emphasizes love isn’t limiting—“I used to be very scared by committing to somebody because I thought it meant I was gonna lose my freedom... but when you commit to that, I feel like I can and have gone everywhere. I've gone down roads I've never gone down.” (04:12)
• Going Through Hard Times: Both discuss the necessity of weathering slumps—Tig shares a therapist’s advice that surviving hard times together can lead to a ‘honeymoon’ phase:

  “I remember a therapist saying, if you guys make it through this period of time that's hard, it could feel like a honeymoon all over again...and sure enough, when we got through this one hard time, I could not love Stephanie more.” (04:40)

2. How They Met: A Rom-Com Story (08:10–12:38)

• Movie Set Meet-Cute: Tig and Stephanie met filming In a World, unexpectedly becoming love interests both on and off screen.
• The Texting Crush: Their witty texting evolved into a Valentine’s Day first hangout, where they unintentionally matched with identical eagle sweaters—an “insane” cosmic sign that led to an immediate first kiss.
• A Hilarious “Rejection”: The day after their kiss, Stephanie (then identifying as straight) sent Tig a long email explaining she wasn’t gay, but Tig’s playful response (“Okay, dyke”) made Stephanie laugh and drew her even closer.

  “She said after that huge email she sent, that was my only response, was okay dyke. She said she laughed so hard and was like, ‘I like her.’” (12:24)

3. Deciding to Have Kids & Overcoming Loss (15:01–22:34)

• A Period of Profound Loss: Around the time she met Stephanie, Tig suffered pneumonia, C. Diff, invasive cancer, a breakup, and her mother’s untimely death (“I was in a really not great space.” 15:09).
• Trying for Kids While Dating: Tig initially started fertility treatments alone, not expecting a partner would want to join that journey:

  “I didn't tell her I was trying to get pregnant...I felt so unsexy and I just thought I was going to scare her off...and then somehow I tell her...and she was like, ‘I want to be going to those appointments with you. I want to be a part of this.’” (16:55)

• Twin Parenthood: Stephanie wanted “five kids,” but after twins, both agreed, “we’re good!” (18:42).

4. The Power of Authenticity and Self-Acceptance (22:34–26:40)

• Stephanie’s Confidence: Tig realized the attraction was rooted in Stephanie’s unwavering self-love:

  “I have never heard you say a single negative thing about yourself...and she said, yeah, I never would...I would never speak poorly about myself. And I was like, oh my God, I am so attracted to that.” (23:06–24:31)

• Nicole Reflects: Nicole and Tig bond over the challenge (and importance) of not denigrating oneself, with Nicole citing her boyfriend gently encouraging her to stop setting “the bar low” for herself (25:49–26:40).

5. Humor as a Coping Mechanism for Grief (34:01–42:14)

• Finding Comedy in Tragedy: Both share stories about dealing with death—Tig’s hospital sending her deceased mother a “How did we do?” survey; Nicole’s experience spreading her dad’s ashes at the beach and accidentally getting them in her mouth (“I've never heard my grandmother laugh harder.” 37:14).
• Absurdity in Mourning: Tig’s brother fell into their stepfather’s grave at the funeral, creating awkward laughter for the family.
• Maintaining Levity in Loss: Both agree, “It’s sad, but you can still laugh about it.” (41:26)

6. Touring, Parenting, and Working in Entertainment (45:32–50:34)

• Balancing Career & Family: Tig and Stephanie support each other’s work—recently adapting to Stephanie’s role in a London film shoot while managing family logistics thoughtfully.
• Integrating New Communities: Stephanie introduced Tig to the improv/sketch world, expanding Tig’s comedic circle.

7. Embracing Aging and Gratitude (50:34–53:07)

• Aging as Privilege: After severe illness, Tig appreciates getting older and references a recent film about her friend Andrea Gibson, who wished for more years:

  “It is a privilege, especially having been sick myself...what Andrea would give to have the opportunity to still be here.” (52:11)

8. Tig’s Dating Advice & Creating New Experiences (53:19–57:36)

• Refresh Your Routine: For singles, Tig suggests, instead of resigning yourself to “having met everyone,” build new patterns in familiar places—try different coffee shops or bars, and become a new regular:

  “I would love to create a whole new path in the same town that I've had all of my patterns...just become a new regular somewhere else.” (53:19–54:53)

• Family Bus Tours: She recommends “hop on, hop off” city tours—embracing the “corniness”—as a metaphor for discovering what’s already around you in new ways.

9. Raising Twins (57:41–59:52)

• Sibling Bond: Tig shares that her sons always defend each other, even when punished—“They’ve really got each other’s back.” (58:52)
• Supporting Individuality: The boys are in separate classes, and Tig is open to them exploring different interests and maybe even different schools.

10. On Happiness, Change, and Contentment (59:58–60:47)

• Post-Crisis Perspective:

  “I didn't...think I was mindful or present in any real way before 2012. And when I got sick and I lost everything, I made very conscious decisions to shift every element of my life...I'm happy. I want to maintain what I have.” (59:58)

• Letting Go of the Hustle: Tig emphasizes valuing her current life over striving for “the biggest and greatest.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Tig, on surviving rough patches:

  “There’s nobody I’d rather get through rough times with than Stephanie. It’s true. I love it, but it’s true.” (06:27)

• Nicole on love:

  “My love isn't limiting. My love allows me to explore all sorts of avenues, and we allow each other to grow.” (05:52)

• Tig on self-love:

  “I have never heard you say a single negative thing about yourself...I am so attracted to that.” (24:31)

• Nicole on laughter in grief:

  “It is a very fun, funny memory...sometimes my sister will bring up.” (37:14)

• Tig on authenticity:

  “I just really appreciate my life and I want to keep it as it is.” (60:45)

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Timestamps: Important Segments

• [03:05]–[08:10]: Relationship longevity & what keeps love alive
• [08:10]–[14:14]: How Tig and Stephanie met & their rom-com-worthy first kiss
• [15:01]–[18:42]: Life’s lowest moments and choosing to pursue parenthood
• [22:34]–[24:46]: The role of self-acceptance in attraction
• [34:01]–[42:14]: Using humor to process grief and absurdity in loss
• [45:32]–[47:13]: Partner support while touring/working in entertainment
• [50:34]–[53:07]: Reflections on aging, mortality, and gratitude
• [53:19]–[57:36]: Dating advice: the value of reinventing your routines
• [57:41]–[59:52]: Parenting twins and fostering sibling bonds
• [59:58]–[60:47]: How “losing everything” led to deeper happiness

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Memorable Moments

• The “Okay, dyke” Email: Tig’s unexpectedly lighthearted response turned her supposed rejection into a turning point for romance.
• Funeral Fiascos: The absurdity of Tig’s brother falling into a grave, and the laughter that followed.
• Nicole Eating Ashes: Both hosts share deeply personal yet uproarious stories of losing parents, finding connection in life’s darkest comedic ironies.
• City Bus Tours as Dating Metaphor: Tig’s passion for hop-on, hop-off buses becomes an allegory for staying curious in life and love.
• **“Would you date me?” Mutual affirmation and playful banter about waiting for each other if their relationships ever end.

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Conclusion

This episode is a moving blend of comedy and vulnerability, revealing how the hardest losses can open the door to profound connection and gratitude. Tig Notaro’s wisdom—hard won through illness, heartbreak, and healing—shines through as she and Nicole Byer share a candid, laughter-laced conversation about love, loss, and the courage to keep starting over.

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Recommendations:

• Come See Me in the Good Light (Tig Notaro’s new film) available on Apple TV. [60:50]
• Find Tig live at Largo, Dynasty Typewriter (LA), or at Comedy Bar (Toronto) during filming. [65:16]
• Nicole’s classic sign-off: send her “nasty” flirty fan mail for a chance to be featured on the show. [65:48]

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Transcript

[Nicole Byer]

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode Description.

[Tig Notaro]

This is a hitgun podcast.

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[Tig Notaro]

So we make out. Then the next day I'm of course on cloud nine. She sends me this 50 million page email about how she's straight. She doesn't want to lead me on, that she likes me a lot as a person, and that she's not gay but she'd love to just be friends with me. And I was like, oh boy, of course. And then I just thought, well, I can't push somebody into liking me or, you know, being attracted to me. So even though I was bummed, I just wrote back. Cause I was like, I'll just keep it lighthearted. And I wrote back, okay, dyke.

[Nicole Byer]

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Hey baby. Welcome to another episode of why Won't yout Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single. Even though you could come On a lamp and tell me it was a light bulb. My guest today is a hilarious comedian and co host of the popular podcast Handsome, right here on Good Gum. Her new movie, Come See Me in the Good Light, is out today. It's Tig Notara. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hello, Tig.

[Tig Notaro]

I was really taking that in. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Did you like it?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I really did.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

Dig, can I ask you anything?

[Nicole Byer]

I know you're married.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, I am.

[Nicole Byer]

And how long have you been married?

[Tig Notaro]

A decade. Ooh. Going on 13 something.

[Nicole Byer]

A baker's dozen of years together. That's romantic and that's sweet.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

How do you keep. How do you keep it fresh after almost 13 years?

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, we certainly have gone through slumps and issues and all of that kind of stuff, but I think that. And, you know, I always hate to sound cliche, but it really is the most incredible payoff when you have devoted yourself to someone. This sounds unsexy, but it's actually really incredible to devote yourself and love somebody. Devote yourself to someone and love them and get through those rough spots. I remember a therapist saying, you know, if you guys make it through this period of time that's hard. It could feel like a honeymoon all over again. And I was like, I couldn't imagine in a million years that that could be true. And sure enough, when we got through this one particular hard time, I could not love Stephanie more. And I think that there's something. I used to be very scared by committing to somebody because I thought it meant I was gonna lose my freedom and all of those typical things, but kind of similarly to when somebody writes a script and there's, like, a formula to actually gives you more freedom to go anywhere you want when you follow a formula or structure. And that's how I feel with Stephanie is we have this agreement, we joke with each other, where we're like, when does this contract run out? You know? But when you commit to that, I feel like I can and have gone everywhere. I've gone down roads I've never gone down, because all of the other people I dated, I'm like, yeah, I know what that's like. I know what it's like to not be in the right relationship. I've never been in this situation I'm in, and so it's the most exciting, and I've done the most with her. And so I don't feel. I think we're also very understanding, and we don't hold each other back, you know? So I don't know.

[Nicole Byer]

I love that. I think that is so romantic and so nice. I'm a mushy person. I love love. So I. I'm, like, tearing up because I genuinely love hearing when people are like, my love isn't limiting. My love allows me to explore all sorts of avenues, and we allow each other to grow. And it sounds like you've changed as people and you've allowed each other to change. And you've just said, I want to do this with this person. I want to figure out how we get through this so we can get back to the good times or get to, like, even better times.

[Tig Notaro]

And that's the thing is when people hear that, they think that you're forcing yourself to stay in it. And, like, how do I get through this? So we can just keep pushing on, but it's not. Maybe to some people, that's what they're doing is like, get over that and just hold on tight, and we'll just get through this till the kids go to college. And I mean this with all my heart. Stephanie remains. It's hard to say my favorite person alive. Cause we also have kids. But I love Stephanie. She also. I tell her one time, I said, 99% of the time, I am so in love with you. And that other percent, I want to rip your head off. And she said, same, but it's true. I just. I enjoy her. We think similarly, but differently enough to where we challenge each other. She's who I go to for advice. She's who I have a belly laugh with every day. And that's real. I'm not saying that just to say it, but I also want to say there have been rough times, but there's nobody I'd rather get through rough times with than Stephanie. It's true. I love it, but it's true.

[Nicole Byer]

And I love that it's true. And I feel like when people finally find their person, it's true of a lot of people. They're like, yeah, we have a lot of weird shit and hard shit we have to go through. But then I feel good going through it with that person.

[Tig Notaro]

Absolutely. I mean, yeah, 1 million percent.

[Nicole Byer]

I love that. And you guys met doing a movie?

[Tig Notaro]

We did. We were doing the movie In a World. The actress Lake Bell wrote and directed it. And we kind of a little bit played love interests. And then. Yeah, I just. I had no idea I was working with my wife, my future wife. I just. I had no idea.

[Nicole Byer]

And then. Okay, so who said what to who first?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, we started texting. I told Stephanie we had run into each other. And the movie was going to Sundance, and we exchanged numbers, and I just gave her a heads up, like, kind of. Don't take offense. I just. I'm not really big with texting. And I said, not that I thought Stephanie was interested in me, but I said, I actually just went out with this girl for a coffee, and she texted me right after saying, that was fun. And then she knew I had a show that night and texted me that night saying, have a great show. And then when I was in bed, I got a text saying, sweet dreams. And I was like, oh, my God. And I was like, so, you know, I just. A heads up. That kind of was a bit much. And then that night, I got a text from Stephanie late, saying, sweet dreams. And I was like, oh, my God, this girl is hilarious. And we couldn't stop texting. And then I was thinking, do I have a. Am I developing a crush on her through text? And so that happened. And then one night. This is months later. Cause I was touring a lot. I was home writing my book. I hadn't showered. I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror, similarly to today. And she was at the bar, La Poo Belle, with friends. And I know this sounds like we were aware, but we really weren't. It was Valentine's Day. And she said, I'm with friends, if you want to come meet us. And we hadn't hung out yet. We had only been texting because I was touring. And I was like, I can't go. I haven't showered because I thought I might have a crush on her. And then I was like, oh, she's not into me, so who cares what I look like? So I just threw on this big wool sweater that had, like, an eagle on the back. And my hair was going every direction. And I walk in, and she was wearing a blue wool sweater with an eagle on the back. And we were like. They were these Canadian wool sweaters. And I was like, this is insane. I said, let's switch sweaters. And we did. And then, you know, Armin Weissman, he was one of the friends at this big table. And he goes, oh, you two get together and I'll take a picture. And. And we put our arms around each other and just started kissing. We immediately started. And I am not a public PDA person. And so our first kiss was captured. And then.

[Nicole Byer]

Pig.

[Tig Notaro]

And then.

[Nicole Byer]

You're killing me.

[Tig Notaro]

Isn't that crazy? On Valentine's Day, our first kiss is captured. And so I was like, hey, do you wanna go out to my car and make out more. And she was like, sure. She had never made out with a girl before too. So we make out. Then the next day, I'm of course on cloud nine. She sends me this 50 million page email about how she's straight, she doesn't wanna lead me on, that she likes me a lot as a person and that she's not gay, but she'd love to just be friends with me. And I was like, oh boy, of course. And then I just thought, well, I can't push somebody into liking me or, you know, being attracted to me. So even though I was bummed, I just wrote back. Cause I was like, I'll just keep it lighthearted. And I wrote back, okay, dyke. And then she said, keep it light.

[Nicole Byer]

Heart and call her a slur.

[Tig Notaro]

But yeah, I was like, okay, dyke. And then she said when she. That after that huge email she sent that that was my only response, was okay dyke. She said she laughed so hard and was like, I like her. And so, yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh my God, I fucking love that. That is so sweet. I also really like that Stephanie was like, okay, I have this image of who I thought I was, but this person really, I'm really interested in this person. So I'm gonna throw that out the window and say, I don't know, what if?

[Tig Notaro]

Why not? I feel so lucky. It was. And actually when we had gone out to eat, you know, a couple of months we had started dating and we had gone out to eat in downtown la. And we were sitting there, I don't know, it was a month or two in, and she was talking to me, she said, yeah, you know, I was telling whatever her friend or mother that this and that happened. And she was like, you know, And I was telling them, I was so surprised that I've fallen in love with a woman. And I was sitting there going, oh my God, she's in love. I think. Cause we hadn't said that yet. And so I was trying to play it cool and I was like, right, uh huh. And in my head I was like doing cartwheels. And then I was just stunned, you know, and then we finished dinner, we go back to my. I had a loft downtown at the time. We go back to my loft and we're sitting there talking and I just said, oh, and I love you too. And. And she goes, oh my gosh, you caught that. And I said, of course I did. I couldn't think about anything else in the world when you said that. Dang.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm dying. This is so fucking sweet.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, thanks.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh my God.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

What a lovely start to a beautiful relationship. And you keep saying you're like, I know it sounds corny, but it's like, no.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, okay, okay.

[Nicole Byer]

It truly is like a romance out of a movie.

[Tig Notaro]

It feels that way. And then, you know, sometimes people will get irritated and be like, oh, nobody's life is perfect. Nobody's relation. And I'm like, I'm not saying my life is perfect. I can pull up a list of things that are so imperfect about my life. But my story of getting together with Stephanie is so fun for me to tell. And it's true and real. And where we are now is true and real. So yeah, I love that.

[Nicole Byer]

And then when did you decide to have kids? Were you like, let's do it. Or was anyone apprehensive? And also, if that's too personal, you don't gotta answer.

[Tig Notaro]

No, I always wanted kids, but because I. I think I just always imagined myself alone or I called it a lazy Susan of love, of just like spinning that dish like, who's next? What are we doing? I just didn't have faith that I would find somebody or that I would be. That I was capable of anything like that. And I kind of don't think I would be if it wasn't specifically Stephanie. Not because I'm like cheating or anything like that. It's just I just never really aligned with somebody so well. I was very sick when Stephanie and I met in 2012, the movie we were working on. In a four month period of time, I had pneumonia. I had contracted this intestinal disease called C. Diff that was very deadly. I was diagnosed with invasive cancer. My girlfriend and I split up and then my mother tripped and hit her head and died. And so I was in a really not great space.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah, I can imagine. Good Lord.

[Tig Notaro]

It was a very tough time. And I just. When I came through my treatment and surgery and I thought, well, I'm just gonna get the ball rolling on my own. And so I was trying to get pregnant and then Stephanie and I started dating and I didn't tell her I was trying to get pregnant. Cause I was like, oh my God, I'm 15 years older than her, I am gay and I'm trying my last ditch effort to get pregnant. I felt so unsexy and I just thought I was going to scare her off. And so I was pulling into alleys and injecting my stomach and wherever thighs. I don't even remember. It's been so long. But finally I told her because in my mind, I thought, I'll just try and get. I was gonna have a surrogate. And I was like, I'll just try and get that going. So I'll get that process going, and then somebody else can carry the baby, and then that will send us far enough down the road that we can be either in or out in our relationship. You know, this is what I'm thinking. And then somehow I tell her, she figures it out, and she was like, I want to be going to those appointments with you. I want to be a part of this. And I was like, what? It never crossed my mind that she would want to be a part of that. And then she said, I've always wanted kids. She said, but she said, I actually want five kids. I was like, five kids? I had only thought of one, but because I felt I had found such a great partner, I was like, well, I'm open to doing that. I'd have five kids with you. And then once we had twins, we were both like, we're good.

[Nicole Byer]

We're good. Shut that down. We don't need three more.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah. During the pandemic, we started kind of toying with the idea, but then Stephanie, she would go, you know what? That does mean. We'd have to get strollers and go through diapers and cleaning bottles and up all night again. I'd be like, right, let's.

[Nicole Byer]

Let's not do that.

[Tig Notaro]

Let's get another cat.

[Nicole Byer]

It's really interesting that. Wait, how many cats do you have?

[Tig Notaro]

We have three.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay, that's five.

[Tig Notaro]

I know.

[Nicole Byer]

Five people and animals to take care of.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

But it is interesting that you were in this relationship, but you had started this thing before, and you were like, well, I walk alone with this. As opposed to being like, hey, partner, is this something you would like to do with me?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Was it a fear of, like, her.

[Tig Notaro]

Saying no 1 million percent? I thought she was going to be like, oh, I'm. I'm just dating and I want to. And that was. What was nice, was when she came over to tell me because I was in Montreal doing a show, and we hadn't confirmed anything. This was after the kiss and after, okay, dyke and all of that, it was still, you know, there's nothing. We weren't together after, okay, dyke. As romantic as it is, but so I was in Montreal, and even though she said to herself, why I really like her, she didn't say, I want to be with you or anything. And so I just went about my life, and I'm doing a show in Montreal. And I get a message from her saying, I'd like to see you when you get home. And I was saying to my friend, I was like, why? Why does she want to see me? And he was like, she likes you. And I was like, well, no, because she said that she. And he was like, so what you think she wants to see? To be like, just to confirm I don't want to be with you. And I was like, I don't know. Maybe. And so I get home, she comes over to my loft, and she's so. I don't know how well you know Stephanie, but she's very comfortable with herself. And she sat down next to me on the couch, and she just said, I want to be with you. And she said, I don't. I'm not saying I want to try this out. I'm saying I want to be with you. And I was, like, so floored, because, again, she's 15 years younger than me. I still don't have that confidence. You know, I would kind of squirm around and be like. So I was thinking, you know what.

[Nicole Byer]

I mean, maybe we could date for a little bit. There's a weird voice.

[Tig Notaro]

It's gonna help me get through the awkwardness.

[Nicole Byer]

What do you think?

[Tig Notaro]

But she's just like, I want to be with you. And so I don't know what I was talking about at this point. I just really went off on whatever. But kids? Is that what we were talking about?

[Nicole Byer]

Being worried that she wasn't gonna be on board with.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. I think that was ultimately my fear was even though we got together, I had that secret where I was like, I'm trying to have a child, and I'm, like, injecting myself, and I'm on an emotional roller coaster. And I was also just newly out of the woods with my health, and I just. I felt like a scary old monster. You know what I mean? And she.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah. And you're like, who can love me?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah. But she did, and she has. So that was my fear.

[Nicole Byer]

But I'm glad that, like, I'm glad that she knew what was going on and was able to be like, hey, I want to be a part of this. And then it kind of, like, alleviates your fear, and you're like, oh, I do have, like, a partner who really wants to do this with me.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. And she had no hesitation, which was also. It was just jarring. I have never still, to this day, I don't think I've met somebody so comfortable in their skin.

[Nicole Byer]

That's Nice.

[Tig Notaro]

It's really attractive.

[Nicole Byer]

I wish I was. I think I'm comfortable in my skin. I am comfortable in my skin, but not with other people. I tend to, like, default to people pleasing and being like, what do you want? What do you like? I can mold myself to be like you.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. I remember when we. I was so confused because I really couldn't figure out, what is it. I mean, obviously, I think she's very attractive, but it's like, I've dated attractive people. I've dated successful and funny and all of those things, but why her? That I really felt something different. And I remember lounging around while she was getting ready one day, and I said, I can't figure out. I was talking to her about it. I was like, I can't figure out what it is about you that has done this to me. And she was like, yeah, I don't know. And then, you know, how you might have those thoughts, but how rare is it that you kind of have the epiphany a moment after? And I said, oh, my God. I actually think I know what it is. And she said, what? And I said, I have never heard you say a single negative thing about yourself. And she said, yeah, I never would. And she said, that's not to say I don't have plenty of things to work on. She said, but I would never speak poorly about myself. And I was like, oh, my God, I am so attracted to that.

[Nicole Byer]

I love that.

[Tig Notaro]

Me, too.

[Nicole Byer]

And I love that you were able. I mean, you don't have to figure out why you love somebody. But, like, that is such a nice, clear, poignant thing that it's like. Do you think you borrow a little bit of that from her?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, it made me very aware of it because she told me she felt like I don't talk poorly about myself. And I would say I do more than, like. I really don't know if I've heard her say anything bad about herself. But I'm not terribly hard on myself in ways I am. Like, with parenting. I'm very hard on myself, and it has surprised me. But a lot of things, I just. I'm just not terribly hard on myself. But I will make jokes, but not. I think I'm somewhere in between. But it's given me more awareness about what I say about myself, and. And I try to lean in the direction of not saying negative things about myself.

[Nicole Byer]

That's the thing that I've been working on, because sometimes I'll say things in my head, and I'm like, oh, God, Nicole, that was so mean. Don't say that about yourself. And I was cooking with. Or I brought over ingredients for my boyfriend to cook, because I don't cook. And I was like, I can help, but I'm gonna be bad at it. And he was like, hey, don't do that.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And I was like, but I'm not good at, like, cutting things. I rush through things. And he's like, and that's fine.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Ad Break Narrator]

Who cares?

[Nicole Byer]

He's like, you can rush through it all you want, and then I'll just cut it a little finer. He's like, just don't say you're bad at something before you've even begun. I was like, oh, I'm just setting the bar low. He's like, you don't have to. He's like, it's not Top Chef. You don't have to be, like, incredible at this. You can just help me, or I'm happy to just do it, and then you can just eat and have a nice time. And I was like, huh?

[Tig Notaro]

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

[Nicole Byer]

It's been. I think it's been a year and a half.

[Tig Notaro]

Amazing.

[Nicole Byer]

It's nice. Yeah, he's really nice.

[Tig Notaro]

And how did you meet him?

[Nicole Byer]

I met him on an app, Unhinge.

[Tig Notaro]

Great.

[Nicole Byer]

But we have a bunch of, like, mutual friends in common, so it was nice because it felt like he was almost vetted before.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Like, you know, that's really serious.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And everyone's like, oh, he's so nice. And honestly, they're right. He's so nice and so kind. This is a dumb little thing, but I had a hole in the back of my stocking, and I was like, oh, no, I think you can see my butt. And he was like, take my sweater. Take it right now. And I was like, no, I think it's okay. Can you just look? He's like, I don't have to look. Just take it. And I was like, well, just look first. And he's like, I don't see your butt. And I was like, okay, I don't need your sweater. But he was so insistent on it. And we were on the phone yesterday, and I was like, I just wanted to say that that was really nice, and I really appreciate that you were. You were so eager and wanted to protect my butt. He was like, well, I don't want everyone to see your butt.

[Tig Notaro]

He's got your back.

[Nicole Byer]

He literally has my back.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, and your front.

[Nicole Byer]

And my front.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And my pussy and my crack.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, that's all we have for today.

[Nicole Byer]

Goodbye. But I had never dated anybody who would, like, leap to doing something so nice and so kind for me. I've only really dated people who didn't like me.

[Tig Notaro]

Is that true?

[Nicole Byer]

I talk a lot on this podcast. Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm a chronically late person. It is a problem. I do respect people's time, but when it's time to leave, I'll find things to do, like cleaning out the refrigerator or vacuuming or.

[Tig Notaro]

Aren't you're adhd. Yeah, I remember that because we did that documentary together.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Where we got to talk about all our dang problems. That was an interesting.

[Tig Notaro]

Only some of our dang problems.

[Nicole Byer]

Only some. Just a slip.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, yes.

[Nicole Byer]

They said, we're going to pinpoint this. We're going to talk about your dead parents, Nicole. And I said, okay, we could do that.

[Audible Ad Narrator]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah. I have adhd. And he has just adjusted in a really nice way. So, like, if we're supposed to meet to go somewhere, an hour before, he'll go, is that time still good?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And then I'll say yes or no. And then when he is leaving his home, he'll text me and go, I'm leaving now. Because I'm like, oh, okay. That means I have to leave within the next five minutes because I said I was going to be there at a certain time. And he's never mad when I'm late.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And it's a very small thing, but it's very nice.

[Tig Notaro]

No, it's huge. It's really huge. Absolutely. Meeting people where they are and. And, yeah. Especially, like, if. When something isn't. Just when that resentment isn't built up and. Because it can with those kind of things. And.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And we do talk about it. Not often, but every now and again, I'll check in and be like, is my lateness annoying? Are you annoyed that I was late to this? And he's like, nope. He says he's always like, you're on time for things that matter. Even though I've missed a lot of flights. We've never missed a flight. Tig. Real quick, we gotta take a break.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh.

[Nicole Byer]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. As the days get shorter and the sun starts setting at, like, 4:00pm, things can start to feel just, like, a little heavier. That's why this time of the year, it's nice to reach out and check in with people. Even just a quick text or a call to a friend I haven't talked to in a while, it always makes me feel more connected and half the time I end up thinking, why don't I just like do this sooner? And that's kind of what therapy can feel like too. Taking that first step to reach out might feel hard, but once you do, you realize how much better it feels to have support. Better Help makes it that much easier by doing the matching work for you. You just fill out a short questionnaire and they'll pair you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right match, guess what? You can switch at any time, which is super important because you have to find someone who like really vibes with you. Better help has over 30,000 therapists and helped more than 5 million people worldwide. And with an average session rating of 4.9 out of 5, people really love their experience this month. Don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend or reach reaching out to a therapist yourself. Better Help makes it easier to take that first step. My listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] date me that's better. Hp.com date me as the air turns crisp and the holidays get closer, comfort really does feel like the best gift of all and Quint makes it easy to look polished while staying cozy. They've got everything 50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters you'll actually wear every day, denim that fits perfectly, silk tops and skirts for when you want to feel fancy, and down outerwear that's built for the season. Quince works directly with top tier ethical factories so they skip the middlemen and keep prices about 50 lower than similar brands. It's the best kind of deal. Premium quality items without the guilt or the markup. I love my Quince Mongolian cashmere sweater. I got it last year. It is held up beautifully and it's so soft and perfect for the cold weather. Quince also sells really nice travel gear like luggage tag toiletry bags which is a great gift to elevate anyone's travel this holiday season. Step into the holiday season with layers made to feel good, look, polish and last from Quint. Perfect for gifting or keeping for yourself. Go to quint.com date me for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N c e.com date me to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com date me ho ho ho. Holiday season is here. Which means parties, dinners and photos where you're like oh my God, wait, why do I look so tired. So I've been trying Jones Road Beauty. It's makeup that actually looks like skin, not a mask. It's simple, quick, and makes you look a little more alive. Their miracle bomb is one that everyone talks about. You could tap it on your cheeks, on your lips, wherever you want. Just a little glow and give you that soft, natural finish that really feels nice on your skin. And I've tried their just enough tinted moisturizer. It's lightweight and and evens things out without feeling like a full face of makeup. They just dropped their holiday collection that really make easy gifts this holiday season. Simplify your routine with makeup that's clean, strategic, and multifunctional. And don't miss out on their limited edition holiday sets. They won't be here for long, and once they're gone, they're go. Also, as a treat for my listeners, you get a free cool gloss on your first purchase when you use Code date me at checkout. Just head to Jonesroadbeauty.com and use code Date me at checkout after you purchase the last where you heard about them. Please support my show and tell the M.E. i sent you. And we're back. I did want to talk to you about. You have a joke about after your mom died, the hospital sent you a like, how did we do?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Brochure. Like a questionnaire that is so deeply.

[Nicole Byer]

Upsetting and simultaneously so fucking funny. How did we do? Well, she didn't leave.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Like it's.

[Tig Notaro]

She's dead.

[Nicole Byer]

It's so funny. Both my parents are dead and I. They send mail to my grandpa's house for my parents and it's so strange.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And we got like a life insurance thing sent. It was like, does my dad's name. Does he want life insurance? And we were all like, ha, ha ha. No, he doesn't have a life to insure he real dead.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

But I feel like when sad things happen, funny things also tend to happen.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And you just gotta like, kind of just laugh and move on.

[Tig Notaro]

Listen, I was so neck deep in devastation when my mother died. And as I mentioned, I was very sick at the time. And when that questionnaire came in the mail, I was so livid. And I wanted to make it my focus in life to find who sent this. How have they not fixed this glitch in the hospital? And I mean, I was so upset. And then one day I was doing something at the house and I just started laughing at. How was your visit? How'd your visit go? One to five? You know, did the nurses and doctors treat you with respect? It's like my mother was in a coma. She didn't know what was happening. She didn't know. And it was to her. It wasn't to her family.

[Nicole Byer]

Nope.

[Tig Notaro]

It was to my mother. And it went from this internal rage of like, how dare you to.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh my God.

[Tig Notaro]

You know. But yeah, it was a massive release. Those kind of moments that crack you open and just that kind of laugh is. There is nothing better.

[Nicole Byer]

There truly is nothing like it. It's very cathartic. I've told this story before, but when my dad passed away, the way you get ashes is the wildest. They just send it to you like an Amazon purchase and then you open it and you're like, oh, that's not a bag. That's a bag of a person.

[Tig Notaro]

That's my dad.

[Nicole Byer]

And then you gotta like cut them open and then put them into. Transfer them into something else. And we didn't wanna keep em in an urn, so we took him to the beach where he used to ride his bike. And me, my grandmother and my sister were all not arguing, but we were trying to figure out who was gonna spread them. And I was like, I'll just do it. And we put em in Tupperware and I opened the lid and shook em out. And then the wind came and I was like, ah. And then there was ashes in my mouth. And I've never heard my grandmother laugh harder. Never in my whole life. And I was like, that was deeply upsetting for me.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

But it is a very fun, funny memory that sometimes my sister will bring up.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's nearly impossible to get through funerals and deaths without awkward funny. Maybe not laughing now, but maybe laughing later kind of stuff. Yeah. That I've. My, My stepfather, when he was being buried at his funeral, my brother fell in the grave. Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

Which is deeply funny at the time when it happened. Was it funny?

[Tig Notaro]

It was no one. Well, what happened was they had a green tarp over the hole, but they forgot to put plywood over it. And my brother was going up to speak first and you know, in a suit and our whole family, everybody's sitting there and there's no planet that you're expecting somebody to. I mean, like, it was like a trap door. My brother like went down and my whole family was like, oh shit.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, it was so confusing. And then it was like Night of the Living Dead while he was like pulling himself out of the. And like kind of the you know, he's a man. He's like, I'm fine. I'm all right. He's pulling him. He didn't want anyone to help him. But you're like, are you sure?

[Nicole Byer]

Are you sure you're actually crawling out of a grave right now?

[Tig Notaro]

Right. And so he got up and, yeah, we laughed right after, but he was, like, dusting himself off. And Stephanie said that her favorite part of that day was like, you know, my brother being like, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. And then we're staying at our cousin Jimmy's house in Mississippi. And at the end of the night, you hear my brother say, hey, Jimmy, do you have any Advil? You know, because I'm certain his entire. That is so deeply funny. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

To watch someone truly just, like, fall out of life into a hole and then into a grave and then have them be like, oh, no, I'm fine. A couple hours later, hey, can I get. Can I get Advil? I'm just feeling a little stiff, little achy.

[Tig Notaro]

A little achy breaky over here. So. And. And the relationship my brother had with my stepfather, it's like, how did he miss my brother falling in this grave? It would have been the biggest punchline of all time. My stepfather would have loved it.

[Nicole Byer]

So I feel like moments like that, when things like that happen, when someone's passed away and you know that that person would have loved it, I feel like it's them kind of being there and a little bit of, you know, in spirits, like, one last. Ha, ha ha.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

My friend Kenny passed away. And when he was in a coma, so many funny things happened. The doctor was telling us his prognosis, and his dad hadn't put his phone on silent, and his text tone was just a clown honk. So as the doctor is saying this, like, awful, grim, sad thing. And we're all so sad. Yep. Every couple of seconds. And I. And I was like, are you. You're not gonna take off? And that's his dad, so you don't wanna be like, hey, shut it off.

[Ad Break Narrator]

Can you.

[Nicole Byer]

Carl, turn that off? And then in my friend Kenny's last moments, nurses were changing shifts.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my God.

[Nicole Byer]

And people were saying really lovely things standing by the door. And I heard a nurse be like. And I told him he can't come back home. You cheat one time. And then another nurse was like, stop, stop. And I was like, should I join and tell her she has to move? And like, I. But are you going to get back together with the man? After he cheated, it was just so funny. And it felt like Kenny was there being like, come on.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

It's sad, but you can still laugh about it.

[Tig Notaro]

Of course.

[Nicole Byer]

Truly honking a honk. It was just so funny.

[Tig Notaro]

When I'm dying, I really want, I hope I have a moment that I can, you know, with loved ones by my side, turn and be like, knock knock. Just I. You know, whenever you read an obituary that they had their sense of humor until the end. Yeah, I want to do a knock knock.

[Nicole Byer]

Was still doing knock knock jokes. Never did one on stage, but on the deathbed or that the joke is.

[Tig Notaro]

Terrible and they're like, actually she did lose her sense of humor in the cuz the whole like she had her sense of humor to the end.

[Nicole Byer]

It's like she got less funny.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, she lost it. It wasn't there. She really unfunny.

[Nicole Byer]

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[Tig Notaro]

Well, this will be easy from here. You just need a greeting.

[Nicole Byer]

So when you tour, was that hard to be in a relationship and tour a lot, or was Stephanie, like, super accommodating and was like, oh, I get it. You'll just be gone sometimes.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, she very accommodating. You know, I think we understand each other's lives. And, I mean, she's a writer, actor, director, improvisational performer. She does improv, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. That's clearly not my world, but that's what's been funny or great. Also about being with her is she opened my world up to all of the sketch and improv people that I was completely unaware of. Like, it just. Sometimes outsiders think standups, improv sketch, that they're all just hanging out together and there is some overlap, but it is not.

[Nicole Byer]

It's not a huge overlap.

[Tig Notaro]

No, not at all. And so I was like, oh, my God, these people are hilarious. This is incredible. And. But, yeah, like, even now, she's. Even though I'm the one that normally is traveling she's filming a movie with Angelina Jolie. She's in London for two months, and it's really fun.

[Nicole Byer]

Are you gonna go visit?

[Tig Notaro]

We already did. I took Max and Finn and we went over there for, I think it was like 10 days. And Stephanie's mother flew out to meet up with us. And so that's fun.

[Nicole Byer]

I like that.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, it was really nice.

[Nicole Byer]

Did you meet Angelina Jolie?

[Tig Notaro]

I did not. Yeah, we went. When Stephanie had a stretch of time where she was, she wrapped up. She had her 40th birthday and spent her 40th birthday looking at Angelina Jolie sing Happy Birthday to her.

[Nicole Byer]

That's so fucking wild. What a dream. She was like, this is what is life.

[Tig Notaro]

Where Angelina and had a present for Stephanie was like. And it was like the second day of her job. But so anyway, we showed up. We got a hotel separate from Stephanie so I could get the kids and myself acclimated and not disturb her while she's.

[Nicole Byer]

That's incredibly thoughtful.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I mean, it's hard to acclimate. And I had two 9 year olds with me, but they were, I can't even tell you, like, day. And I kept telling. I was like, you cannot sleep. We gotta keep an eye on each other. And they took it so seriously. And by day two, they were all set. And we met up with Stephanie for dinner on her 40th birthday after she wrapped. And then she had the weekend off. And then it was a long weekend. And then the extra days that we were there, she had night shoots. And so she spent the majority of the day with us and then went to work at night. So we actually set it up where we wouldn't be interfering with work at all.

[Nicole Byer]

So it's very thoughtful and very nice and very kind. Cause I feel like sometimes you'll hear stories about partners coming while you're working and kind of like being upset that the focus isn't on them or it's like, really? Huh. You've never heard stories like that?

[Tig Notaro]

No.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, so all your friends are in good relationships? I'm not talking about, like, the good things sometimes, like, bad relations. Like, I have friends who, like, will go on tour, a partner will come, and they're like, oh. They didn't understand that I was tired during the day and that I actually work at night and.

[Tig Notaro]

Interesting. Well, I mean, look, it was me and Stephanie making that plan. She was the one that didn't think we needed to get a hotel. Cause she was like, just, you know, stay with me. Come to the hotel. Or just like, you can sleep on the plane and then just arrive. And I was like, I think we need a couple of days just to make sure.

[Nicole Byer]

Cause there's a huge time difference.

[Tig Notaro]

It is. So it's no joke. It's no joke. And I just didn't want Max and Finn's time wasted with Stephanie or their time in England. Stephanie's mother's mother, Stephanie's grandmother, is from England. And so it was her mother, Stephanie's mother's big dream to be in England with Stephanie and the boys. And so we made that happen. And so I just wanted to make sure everybody was rested and able to spend time together.

[Nicole Byer]

That's. I think it's very, very thoughtful.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I'm 54. You know, I'm not like 20, needing all the attention, you know.

[Nicole Byer]

Fair.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

54. You don't look 54. But also, what does age look like?

[Tig Notaro]

Do I look 55?

[Nicole Byer]

I would say you look 42.

[Tig Notaro]

I was saying how, you know, being on TV and film sets with people that have. And I have no judgment about any work people are gonna do to their bodies in whatever way. That's your. That's your thing. But, you know, it's easy to be sitting there with actors and go, God, what have they done? Like, why do they look different? What is. You know, and you're examining people, and there's always that angle. Disgust. And I. I was on a shoot and I caught myself, and I started laughing, and I thought, this goes both ways. I bet those actors are looking at me going, doesn't she know she can.

[Nicole Byer]

Like, whiten her teet?

[Tig Notaro]

She know she doesn't have blueberry. She doesn't need to have blueberry stained teeth. And doesn't she know about Botox or dyeing her hair? And it made me laugh so hard because I'm certain they're looking at me thinking, what the. Why isn't she doing?

[Nicole Byer]

That's very funny. And I never thought of it that way, where it's like, nor had I.

[Tig Notaro]

That's why it made me laugh. So I was like, look at me staring at them going, what are they had done? They were looking at what she had done.

[Nicole Byer]

Why hasn't she had it done?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, so that. Yeah, yeah. I'm 54. It's true.

[Nicole Byer]

Sometimes I'll look in the mirror and be like, what can I do to my face? And then I go, nothing. I like it. It's fine. I'm aging. That's okay.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. It's a real. I don't mean to sound corny, but it is a privilege, especially having been sick myself. The movie of mine that's coming out that I produced about my friend Andrea Gibson. Man, Andrea wanted to. To live to be 50. That was the big dream when Andrea was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. And what Andrea would give to have the opportunity to still be here.

[Nicole Byer]

I think that's a nicer way to look at aging. That it's like, it's kind of a privilege to have wrinkles. It's a privilege to have laugh lines. It means you lived a fucking life. Like, you got to get to that age. Cause I'm sure both my parents are dead, and I'm sure they would have loved to have reached. I think they would have been like, my mom would have been 70 something this year. I'm sure she would have loved to have been 70 something.

[Tig Notaro]

Of course, you know, of course she would have.

[Nicole Byer]

But also, maybe she wouldn't have, and maybe it's good she's dead. Just kidding. And we're back just to pivot back to dating. Do you have any dating advice for single people?

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, I think it's just kind of anything else in life of not pushing too hard, but also what I've never been able to put into practice, but that I think is a good piece of advice, is what I do hear people say is like, gosh, I've been kicking around here. I've been in this town for 20 years. I've met everybody. There's no. Well, I guess now there's apps. So it kind of. I feel like I really missed that window. You're very lucky. I guess. I feel like it's this. Is it any better to go into a bar and pick out some stinking drunk that you're like, maybe when they're sober, this will be a normal person. You know what I mean? I just don't. I don't have any judgment about apps or however you find your person. That's awesome. But where my mind goes to, if I were single, I think I would love to create a whole new path in the same town that I've had all of my patterns of where I go and the places I go to regularly. I would want to create a whole new path. Like, I'm going to find a new coffee shop, I'm going to find a new grocery store. I'm going to go to a new. I'm going to be a regular at this bar or whatever it is that you do, and then just become a new regular somewhere else.

[Nicole Byer]

I think that's good advice.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, Good. Well, that's what I fantasize about, is if Stephanie ever kicks me to the curb, I'm gonna go sit in a new coffee shop. I'm gonna go sit in a new restaurant or bar, whatever.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah, I think that's good advice.

[Tig Notaro]

Cause it's.

[Nicole Byer]

You're essentially being like, switch up patterns for sure. Make life new and exciting again. And then hopefully you'll attract somebody new and exciting.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, especially in a city as big as Los Angeles. You really haven't met everybody, you know. And here's a weird thing I do when I go on tours. Stephanie used to laugh at me because she's always like, you do know you're like a public figure, right? And I'm like, I guess I take those hop on, hop off bus tours, and I find them so relaxing. And if I'm just in Dublin or Rome or some Chicago for a very short time, I find it really interesting to hear the history and get kind of oriented. And then. And then you can see over the two or three hours at the hop on, hop off bus, you go, oh, I want to go actually visit that part of town or this monument or whatever. And then Stephanie started doing it with me. And it reminds me of that, of like, you think you've been to Chicago, you think you've been to New York, but there's little pockets you just actually haven't seen. And it kind of.

[Nicole Byer]

I love. That's so cute.

[Tig Notaro]

But now our family, when we go to cities together, we do the hop on, hop off. We did it in London when we were just there. I like that it is so.

[Nicole Byer]

Because I feel like people think it might be corny.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

But you are absolutely right. Because you will see shit that you never thought you would see.

[Tig Notaro]

And you're in a double decker bus that has no ceiling. And you're just like. You can put the headphones in, hear the history, or you can take them out, put your own headphones in, or have no headphones and just look at the city. And it is my favorite thing to do. And now my. I'm gonna do that. You really should.

[Nicole Byer]

I've never done one.

[Tig Notaro]

I had never done it until I went to Dublin and I was like, that was fun. And then now try to stop me. I mean, seriously, try to get in my way of a hop on, hop off bus. Okay. But it reminds me of that. Of creating your new path in the city or town you've already been going around. Yeah, same. Hop on, hop off. Dating therapy. I do.

[Nicole Byer]

Why do you seem very well adjusted Do I? Yeah. And I feel like you have good advice.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh.

[Nicole Byer]

And I think you just have a lovely outlook on life. Can I ask. Having twins, we do have to wrap it up, but having twins, have they ever, like, ganged up on you because there's two of them?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I would say the best. Just the version of that is a little surprising. But they're so close, and they certainly have their moments where they, you know, they'll bop each other on the head or they'll, you know, harass each other, but in general, they are buddies, and they get along beautifully. But since they were old enough to get, you know, reprimanded for something which is around 2, I guess let's say one of them bops the other in the head, and then I would put the head bopper in a timeout. The one who got the head bopped is like, no, no, that is my brother. And, like, will not. And I'm like, buddy, I'm on. I'm trying to.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm on your side. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm trying to help you. And to the. To this day, they. They are not okay with it. They are. And it's not like there's huge, huge situations at the house, but if one of them has to sit out or can't do something or whatever, they try. And I don't know if it's codependency, but they're like. They've really got each other's back.

[Nicole Byer]

Are they in the same class or separate classes?

[Tig Notaro]

They're in separate classes. And after sixth grade, we're even open to them going to separate schools, depending on, you know. Cause they have similar interests, but they also have very specifically different interests. And so we're open to them checking out other worlds for themselves.

[Nicole Byer]

Wow. They seem like they're having a nice time.

[Tig Notaro]

I think they are. I think they're pretty darn lucky. Yeah. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

I feel like people are gonna listen to this episode and be deeply jealous of your life. It seems so nice.

[Tig Notaro]

Listen, again, I've had my challenges. I am in therapy. But also, it's a long road. I didn't. I don't think I was mindful or present in any real way before 2012. And when I got sick and I lost everything, I made very conscious decisions to shift every element of my life. And I'm still working on it, but I'm happy. I want to maintain what I have. I don't need to own Hollywood. I don't need to be the biggest and greatest or richest or most powerful. I just really appreciate My life and I want to keep it as it is.

[Nicole Byer]

I like that.

[Tig Notaro]

It's true.

[Nicole Byer]

Tig, thank you so much for being here.

[Ad Break Narrator]

Nick.

[Tig Notaro]

A doodleoo. Thank you for having me. And if I can really encourage people to check out, come see me in the Good Light on November 14th, which is today on Apple TV. It is so. Yes, it's sad, but it's also so funny. And. And every person I've ever seen walk out of a screening is like, what have I been doing with my life? And I have to make some serious changes. And it's so life affirming. It's really, really beautiful. It won Sundance.

[Nicole Byer]

Congratulations.

[Tig Notaro]

Scripted out of documentary.

[Nicole Byer]

That's incredible.

[Tig Notaro]

It's really, really beautiful. So.

[Nicole Byer]

Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, check it out.

[Nicole Byer]

That's a good endorsement. I will check it out because I do have Apple TV plus and it.

[Tig Notaro]

Also got into the festival unanimously.

[Nicole Byer]

Wait, really?

[Tig Notaro]

Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

That's fucking cool.

[Tig Notaro]

It's insane. I've been to.

[Nicole Byer]

That's wild.

[Tig Notaro]

It is very wild, my friend. I have been to Sundance for five different projects. Never have I been told it was unanimous that this film got in.

[Nicole Byer]

What does that mean for those uninformed for film festivals?

[Tig Notaro]

For unanimous jury? Oh, there is a jury that decides. Yes, no, yes, no, and the entire jury. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

It's like unheard of.

[Tig Notaro]

That's really fucking weird. And it's unheard of that a documentary. This is a non binary poet with stage four cancer in the mountains in Colorado and an old friend of 25 years. This is not like a sparkly Hollywood project. And when I went to the filmmakers and I said, this is my pitch, they said, we cannot take this to a streamer. We can't take it to a studio or network because nobody's gonna fund this. So we raised the money independently, we made the film and we put it out there. And, man, we're just blown away, the response it's gotten. And it's the thing I'm honestly most proud of in my entire career. So please, check it out. Check it out.

[Nicole Byer]

It's on Apple tv.

[Tig Notaro]

Come see me in the good light.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah, I'm excited to watch it. I have a question, though. Would you date me?

[Tig Notaro]

Absolutely. If Stephanie kicks me to the curb.

[Nicole Byer]

Fair?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, fair. I'll wait. I told you I'm not gonna cheat. Would you date me?

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Nicole Byer]

I think you're very fun and I think you're very calming.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, well, thank you. I think you're a good.

[Nicole Byer]

It's a nice grounding energy.

[Tig Notaro]

Some call it boring. No. Okay.

[Ad Break Narrator]

No.

[Nicole Byer]

I don't think people understand what boring actually is. And to understand, I think you need to go to a restaurant and listen to couples. Because sometimes I listen to couples and I'm like, whoa, you have nothing to talk about. And I don't think you even like.

[Tig Notaro]

Each other or even friends. Yes. You hear a friend group and you're like, how are you not getting up and walking out immediately? I've wanted to do a podcast where I interview boring people because I find it so fascinating, the stuff where when I'm eavesdropping on a boring conversation, I'm like, what on earth made you talk about that for so long? And so I'd wanna sit down, I wanna put out an open call to people. Are you boring? Do you have a boring friend? Would they agree to come on this show? Because I wanna get to the bottom of what the hell are you talking about?

[Nicole Byer]

I would love for you to do that. Because yesterday I was getting my nails done, and this woman talked about shoes and how she found shoes that molded to her foot for a solid 30 minutes. And I found it to be deeply upsetting. And then the timbre in her voice was also upsetting. Cause it was a little. It was like this. And she said, I found this shoe, and the shoe, like, really molded to my foot. And her friend was going, mm, do go on. Yeah. She just kept saying, mm, and it was really upsetting. And they were sitting next to me, so I couldn't turn to be like, do you like this?

[Tig Notaro]

Can you hear yourselves?

[Nicole Byer]

Are you listening? Yeah, it was upsetting.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, that's my next podcast.

[Nicole Byer]

I can't wait to listen.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Nicole Byer]

Thank you very much for being here. Do you have any tour dates at.

[Tig Notaro]

All in the new year? I will, but I'm working out new material at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter in la. And then when I'm filming, I'm on this new Star Trek series called Starfleet Academy. Starring Holly Hunter.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes. And my friend Tahni Newsom wrote for it.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. Yeah, she's great. And Paul Giamatti's the bad guy.

[Nicole Byer]

Ooh, that's fun.

[Tig Notaro]

But when I'm up in Toronto filming, I usually work out new material at Comedy Bar.

[Nicole Byer]

Nice.

[Tig Notaro]

But go to tignotaro.com so perfect.

[Nicole Byer]

If you like this episode of why won't you. Oh, my God. It's as if I've never done a pod. If you like this episode of why won't you date me? You could like it. You could rate it. Subscribe. You can give me five stars on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen. And if you write to why won't you date me podcast gmail.com and you write me something nasty hitting on me. I'll read it. This person writes, you're in Jamaica poolside, sipping on a pina colada. Then you realize the straw isn't a straw, it's my actual dick. You're deep throating my colada dick like it's a bogo happy hour at Sandals. A nut so hard a tsunami ensues, the swim up bar becomes a splash zone and the pool overflows with my colada. People run for safety. But ladies and gentlemen, this is an old fashioned tragedy. CNN reports 16 are still missing in the Jamaican colada catastrophe. This is from Alex. Alex, that was fun and nasty. Thank you. Bye bye. Oh, you've been listening to why won't you date me with me Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsey Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our thieve music is arranged by Mike Comate. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye bye. That was a Headgum podcast.

[Lamorne Morris]

What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris and Hannah Simone and we host the Mess Around a New Girl Rewatch podcast now on Headgum. Now here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl and we really get into it. Like we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to re watching episodes that we we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog.

[Tig Notaro]

That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

[Lamorne Morris]

We're just two BFFs having a good old time. Okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr. And.

[Tig Notaro]

And your dad.

[Lamorne Morris]

We talk to your dad on this show as well.

[Tig Notaro]

Make sure you subscribe to the Mess around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.

[Ad Break Narrator]

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