Transcript

Nicole Byer (0:00)

Curious about today's outfit or just want to watch the show instead of just listening, check out the YouTube link in the show Notes.

Mariah Smith (0:09)

This is a headgum podcast.

Nicole Byer (0:12)

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McDonald's Ad Voice (1:26)

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Ad Disclaimer Voice (1:39)

Price and participation may vary.

Nicole Byer (1:49)

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ooh, baby. Welcome to another episode of why Won't yout Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single. Even though you could come on a pancake and tell me it's butter. My guest today is a writer, comedian, and co host of Smith Sisters Live, which is a little bit of a tongue twister for me. Streaming on Sirius XM's radio. Andy, it's Mariah Smith. Hi Mariah. How are you?

Mariah Smith (2:31)

I'm great.

Nicole Byer (2:31)

How are you? Listen. Thriving. Feeling good.

Mariah Smith (2:35)

I mean, you look stunning.

Nicole Byer (2:37)

Summary

Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer

Episode: Oops, All Red Flags! (w/ Mariah Smith)
Date: March 21, 2025
Host: Nicole Byer
Guest: Mariah Smith (Writer, Comedian, Co-host of Smith Sisters Live)

Episode Overview

Comedian Nicole Byer welcomes writer and radio personality Mariah Smith for a wild, funny, and very honest conversation about dating red flags, the weird world of dating apps, questionable dates (and massages), and the vulnerability needed to find love. Both women share personal stories about love, body image, and health, mixing sharp observations with classic Nicole Byer hilarity.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Vintage Shopping Obsession & Returns

[02:40–05:08]

Nicole and Mariah bond over their love for thrifting on Depop and eBay, the thrill and guilt of accumulating things, and the agony of returns.
- Notable quote:
  “I keep buying things I like. Do you have, like, a stock room in your house? Like a place where, like, they're just boxes or things you bought that you—”
  —Marah Smith [04:34]
Nicole humorously admits that her assistant mostly helps her with returning purchases.

2. Mariah’s Dating Criteria & LA Dating Woes

[05:08–07:01]

Mariah is “very single” and seeking someone independent, funny, “vibey,” and willing to watch crime procedurals with her.
Dating in LA is tough:
- “People are weird here in LA. Someone who doesn't have a personality the size of a peanut and who actually knows how to talk and make me laugh…”
  —Mariah Smith [06:00]
She shares her love for procedurals—NCIS, SVU, Tracker, and Chicago Med—explaining “Tracker” is about a “rewardist”—the show's own term for a bounty hunter.

3. Dating Apps: Tactics and Bias

[07:01–08:33]

Mariah frequently deletes and reinstalls apps (Raya, Hinge) following TikTok advice that new users get priority.
On being a Black woman on dating apps:
- “Because I'm a black woman who's not a stick figure on these apps, it’s like tumbleweeds. And then if it’s not a tumbleweed, it’s someone who looks like a tumbleweed.”
  —Mariah Smith [07:56]
The duo riff on what should and shouldn’t go in profiles—agreeing that “looking for the love of my life” is often a red flag.

4. Wildest Date Stories: Oops, All Red Flags

[13:40–21:18]

Mariah’s “Three Location” Date

Sparks from a party spiraled into a disaster:
1. Red Flag #1: Only wants to communicate through WhatsApp (Android user).
2. Red Flag #2: Admits to legal troubles, enjoys firing people, uses Uber under someone else’s account.
3. Red Flag #3: Shares he likes hooking up with married women during cross-country road trips.
4. Red Leather Couch Moment: Upset over a wine spill:
  - “He got very upset, and I had to clean the walls… I was in my early 20s.”
    —Mariah Smith [20:01]
- After all this, he broke things off via text.

5. Massage Horror Story

[21:25–23:42]

Mariah describes a sketchy, uncomfortable “sports massage” in a tiny room, ending with the masseur instructing her to breathe loudly “for the people in the other room.”
- “I understand. I sound like a lunatic…and I do have my wits about me. I do, I promise you. It’s just in certain situations, they go out the window.”
  —Mariah Smith [23:13]

6. Exercise, ClassPass, and Body Image

[24:12–32:15]

Mariah and Nicole exchange Pilates, pole-dancing, and workout stories, reflecting on awkward classes and the struggle to find instructors who work with their bodies.
On upside-down moves in pole:
- “When you are upside down, you’re like, all right, there is a finite amount of time for me to set into the move or come down, because I can’t hold it for super long.”
  —Nicole Byer [27:08]
Mariah discusses having POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), an underdiagnosed condition causing frequent fainting, revealed via social media research and confirmed by her doctor.

7. Health, Diagnosis, and Medication

[32:15–36:23]

Nicole explains how she learned about her type 2 diabetes: “All of my diabetic symptoms I thought were just, that’s the way my body is. And since being on medication for it…oh, that’s how people been living. That’s so nice.” [31:30]
The two talk about their family health histories, deep vein thrombosis, and experiences with medications: Metformin and (for Mariah) Mounjaro.
- Mariah: “Now also on Mounjaro, it’s my favorite thing in the world…I truly am like, it is the best thing in the world. As expensive as the dickens, but it’s great.” [35:18]

8. Weight Loss and Changing Bodies

[37:45–40:13]

Both hosts open up about dramatic weight loss: Mariah lost 100 lbs, Nicole lost 90 lbs via medication.
Nicole describes mixed feelings and “missing” aspects of her bigger body:
- “For a hot second, I was like, I don’t know if I like her. She looks weird. And I missed my bigger butt.”
  —Nicole Byer [39:00]
Both agree: “A bad bitch is a bad bitch, no matter what.” —Lauren (Mariah’s sister), quoted by Mariah [40:17]

9. Dating in New York vs LA

[40:47–41:17]

Both found dating easier and less pressured in New York.
Nicole: “When I was in New York, it wasn’t like, oh, I’d like to be partnered. I was like, who am I gonna fuck tonight?” [40:58]

10. Exercise Real Talk

[41:21–44:25]

Weight loss made workouts easier—but Nicole still doesn’t like working out.
Mariah finds herself unexpectedly loving Pilates and lifting, scheduling her week around classes.

11. Gym and Dating—Do They Mix?

[44:25–45:10]

Mariah doesn’t approach anyone at the gym, preferring to focus.
Nicole occasionally offers compliments as conversation openers.

12. App Dates—Eternal Disappointment

[45:10–46:43]

Mariah: Every app date is “pleasant at best,” with no spark.
Both agree post-date stories are almost always weird.

13. Sleep, Naps, and Night Owl Habits

[47:15–48:59]

Mariah loves early bedtimes and napping. Nicole is a night owl, often busy at 3am.

14. More Date Disasters

[49:11–54:54]

“Quarter” Theater Boy:
- Mariah’s match: Unemployed, working for “a quarter” at his mother’s theater, five-hour phone call prior to a disastrous first date.
- He shows Mariah a picture of his Black ex, cries about her, and wonders if Mariah will be as good in bed as the ex.
- “He was like, I don’t understand why. Like, what’s wrong with, like, a man showing emotion? ...It’s what the emotion is about.”
  —Mariah Smith [53:27]
Mariah discovers afterward he runs a bizarre “living off peaches” travel blog.

15. Emotional Boundaries on Dates

[54:54–56:13]

Nicole and Mariah agree: Crying on a first date is a no.
- Nicole: “We should be in a relationship before you start crying at me.” [56:05]
The exception: Nicole cried at a Sonic-themed cafe out of joy; her date was supportive.

16. Dating Advice Wrap-Up

[57:02–58:30]

Mariah’s advice: “Be more vulnerable than you think you should be—which I have yet to do.” [57:07]
Treat dating like a job (minimum two dates a month).
Rapid dating works for some, but Mariah prefers a chill approach: “Two dates a month is really good for me.” [58:26]

17. Brief on Steve Harvey

[58:57–60:36]

Mariah discusses having to watch the Steve Harvey Show daily for work:
- “It made me want to jump.” [59:09]
Nicole and Mariah agree Steve Harvey’s dating advice is “a little archaic,” but they both appreciate his wit and work ethic.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On dating apps as a Black woman:
“It’s like tumbleweeds. And then if it’s not a tumbleweed, it’s someone who looks like a tumbleweed.” —Mariah Smith [07:56]
On extreme red flags in dating:
“He was like, I love getting on apps and find women who were married—somebody used to have, like, quick one night stands…” —Mariah Smith [17:50]
On weight loss and identity:
“I don’t know if I like her. She looks weird. And I missed my bigger butt.” —Nicole Byer [39:00]
Nicole’s dating POV, hilarious as always:
“We should be in a relationship before you start crying at me.” [56:05]
On New York dating life:
“When I was in New York, it wasn’t like, oh, I’d like to be partnered. I was like, who am I gonna fuck tonight?” —Nicole Byer [40:58]
Mariah’s dating advice:
“Be more vulnerable than you think you should be, which I have yet to do.” [57:07]

Timestamps for Important Segments

[02:40] – Depop, eBay, and online shopping chaos
[05:08] – What Mariah's looking for in a partner
[07:56] – Difficulties as a Black woman on dating apps
[13:40] – Mariah’s wildest date ("Oops, All Red Flags!")
[21:25] – Massage horror story
[32:15] – Health journeys, diabetes, and family history
[37:45] – Both hosts on weight loss and changing self-image
[45:10] – Ongoing bad luck with app dates
[49:11] – Another dating disaster: “Quarter” theater boy
[54:54] – Emotional inappropriateness on dates
[57:02] – Mariah's advice for singles
[58:57] – Mariah's tales from watching Steve Harvey daily

Closing Thoughts

This episode is an unfiltered ride through LA dating disasters, the micro-traumas of bad dates, and the resilience required to keep looking for connection. Nicole and Mariah’s chemistry shines, offering both laughs and real wisdom on the messiness of modern romance—plus a reminder that no matter your weight, your quirks, or your wild stories, being yourself (and laughing about it) is the key.