Oops, All Red Flags! (w/ Mariah Smith)

Summary

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Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer

Episode: Oops, All Red Flags! (w/ Mariah Smith)
Date: March 21, 2025
Host: Nicole Byer
Guest: Mariah Smith (Writer, Comedian, Co-host of Smith Sisters Live)

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Episode Overview

Comedian Nicole Byer welcomes writer and radio personality Mariah Smith for a wild, funny, and very honest conversation about dating red flags, the weird world of dating apps, questionable dates (and massages), and the vulnerability needed to find love. Both women share personal stories about love, body image, and health, mixing sharp observations with classic Nicole Byer hilarity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Vintage Shopping Obsession & Returns

[02:40–05:08]

• Nicole and Mariah bond over their love for thrifting on Depop and eBay, the thrill and guilt of accumulating things, and the agony of returns.

  • Notable quote:
    “I keep buying things I like. Do you have, like, a stock room in your house? Like a place where, like, they're just boxes or things you bought that you—”
    —Marah Smith [04:34]

• Nicole humorously admits that her assistant mostly helps her with returning purchases.

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2. Mariah’s Dating Criteria & LA Dating Woes

[05:08–07:01]

• Mariah is “very single” and seeking someone independent, funny, “vibey,” and willing to watch crime procedurals with her.

• Dating in LA is tough:

  • “People are weird here in LA. Someone who doesn't have a personality the size of a peanut and who actually knows how to talk and make me laugh…”
    —Mariah Smith [06:00]

• She shares her love for procedurals—NCIS, SVU, Tracker, and Chicago Med—explaining “Tracker” is about a “rewardist”—the show's own term for a bounty hunter.

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3. Dating Apps: Tactics and Bias

[07:01–08:33]

• Mariah frequently deletes and reinstalls apps (Raya, Hinge) following TikTok advice that new users get priority.

• On being a Black woman on dating apps:

  • “Because I'm a black woman who's not a stick figure on these apps, it’s like tumbleweeds. And then if it’s not a tumbleweed, it’s someone who looks like a tumbleweed.”
    —Mariah Smith [07:56]

• The duo riff on what should and shouldn’t go in profiles—agreeing that “looking for the love of my life” is often a red flag.

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4. Wildest Date Stories: Oops, All Red Flags

[13:40–21:18]

Mariah’s “Three Location” Date

• Sparks from a party spiraled into a disaster:

  1. Red Flag #1: Only wants to communicate through WhatsApp (Android user).
  2. Red Flag #2: Admits to legal troubles, enjoys firing people, uses Uber under someone else’s account.
  3. Red Flag #3: Shares he likes hooking up with married women during cross-country road trips.
  4. Red Leather Couch Moment: Upset over a wine spill:
     • “He got very upset, and I had to clean the walls… I was in my early 20s.”
       —Mariah Smith [20:01]
  • After all this, he broke things off via text.

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5. Massage Horror Story

[21:25–23:42]

• Mariah describes a sketchy, uncomfortable “sports massage” in a tiny room, ending with the masseur instructing her to breathe loudly “for the people in the other room.”
  • “I understand. I sound like a lunatic…and I do have my wits about me. I do, I promise you. It’s just in certain situations, they go out the window.”
    —Mariah Smith [23:13]

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6. Exercise, ClassPass, and Body Image

[24:12–32:15]

• Mariah and Nicole exchange Pilates, pole-dancing, and workout stories, reflecting on awkward classes and the struggle to find instructors who work with their bodies.

• On upside-down moves in pole:

  • “When you are upside down, you’re like, all right, there is a finite amount of time for me to set into the move or come down, because I can’t hold it for super long.”
    —Nicole Byer [27:08]

• Mariah discusses having POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), an underdiagnosed condition causing frequent fainting, revealed via social media research and confirmed by her doctor.

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7. Health, Diagnosis, and Medication

[32:15–36:23]

• Nicole explains how she learned about her type 2 diabetes: “All of my diabetic symptoms I thought were just, that’s the way my body is. And since being on medication for it…oh, that’s how people been living. That’s so nice.” [31:30]

• The two talk about their family health histories, deep vein thrombosis, and experiences with medications: Metformin and (for Mariah) Mounjaro.

  • Mariah: “Now also on Mounjaro, it’s my favorite thing in the world…I truly am like, it is the best thing in the world. As expensive as the dickens, but it’s great.” [35:18]

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8. Weight Loss and Changing Bodies

[37:45–40:13]

• Both hosts open up about dramatic weight loss: Mariah lost 100 lbs, Nicole lost 90 lbs via medication.

• Nicole describes mixed feelings and “missing” aspects of her bigger body:

  • “For a hot second, I was like, I don’t know if I like her. She looks weird. And I missed my bigger butt.”
    —Nicole Byer [39:00]

• Both agree: “A bad bitch is a bad bitch, no matter what.” —Lauren (Mariah’s sister), quoted by Mariah [40:17]

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9. Dating in New York vs LA

[40:47–41:17]

• Both found dating easier and less pressured in New York.
• Nicole: “When I was in New York, it wasn’t like, oh, I’d like to be partnered. I was like, who am I gonna fuck tonight?” [40:58]

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10. Exercise Real Talk

[41:21–44:25]

• Weight loss made workouts easier—but Nicole still doesn’t like working out.
• Mariah finds herself unexpectedly loving Pilates and lifting, scheduling her week around classes.

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11. Gym and Dating—Do They Mix?

[44:25–45:10]

• Mariah doesn’t approach anyone at the gym, preferring to focus.
• Nicole occasionally offers compliments as conversation openers.

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12. App Dates—Eternal Disappointment

[45:10–46:43]

• Mariah: Every app date is “pleasant at best,” with no spark.
• Both agree post-date stories are almost always weird.

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13. Sleep, Naps, and Night Owl Habits

[47:15–48:59]

• Mariah loves early bedtimes and napping. Nicole is a night owl, often busy at 3am.

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14. More Date Disasters

[49:11–54:54]

• “Quarter” Theater Boy:

  • Mariah’s match: Unemployed, working for “a quarter” at his mother’s theater, five-hour phone call prior to a disastrous first date.
  • He shows Mariah a picture of his Black ex, cries about her, and wonders if Mariah will be as good in bed as the ex.
  • “He was like, I don’t understand why. Like, what’s wrong with, like, a man showing emotion? ...It’s what the emotion is about.”
    —Mariah Smith [53:27]

• Mariah discovers afterward he runs a bizarre “living off peaches” travel blog.

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15. Emotional Boundaries on Dates

[54:54–56:13]

• Nicole and Mariah agree: Crying on a first date is a no.

  • Nicole: “We should be in a relationship before you start crying at me.” [56:05]

• The exception: Nicole cried at a Sonic-themed cafe out of joy; her date was supportive.

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16. Dating Advice Wrap-Up

[57:02–58:30]

• Mariah’s advice: “Be more vulnerable than you think you should be—which I have yet to do.” [57:07]
• Treat dating like a job (minimum two dates a month).
• Rapid dating works for some, but Mariah prefers a chill approach: “Two dates a month is really good for me.” [58:26]

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17. Brief on Steve Harvey

[58:57–60:36]

• Mariah discusses having to watch the Steve Harvey Show daily for work:
  • “It made me want to jump.” [59:09]
• Nicole and Mariah agree Steve Harvey’s dating advice is “a little archaic,” but they both appreciate his wit and work ethic.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On dating apps as a Black woman:
  “It’s like tumbleweeds. And then if it’s not a tumbleweed, it’s someone who looks like a tumbleweed.” —Mariah Smith [07:56]

• On extreme red flags in dating:
  “He was like, I love getting on apps and find women who were married—somebody used to have, like, quick one night stands…” —Mariah Smith [17:50]

• On weight loss and identity:
  “I don’t know if I like her. She looks weird. And I missed my bigger butt.” —Nicole Byer [39:00]

• Nicole’s dating POV, hilarious as always:
  “We should be in a relationship before you start crying at me.” [56:05]

• On New York dating life:
  “When I was in New York, it wasn’t like, oh, I’d like to be partnered. I was like, who am I gonna fuck tonight?” —Nicole Byer [40:58]

• Mariah’s dating advice:
  “Be more vulnerable than you think you should be, which I have yet to do.” [57:07]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:40] – Depop, eBay, and online shopping chaos
• [05:08] – What Mariah's looking for in a partner
• [07:56] – Difficulties as a Black woman on dating apps
• [13:40] – Mariah’s wildest date ("Oops, All Red Flags!")
• [21:25] – Massage horror story
• [32:15] – Health journeys, diabetes, and family history
• [37:45] – Both hosts on weight loss and changing self-image
• [45:10] – Ongoing bad luck with app dates
• [49:11] – Another dating disaster: “Quarter” theater boy
• [54:54] – Emotional inappropriateness on dates
• [57:02] – Mariah's advice for singles
• [58:57] – Mariah's tales from watching Steve Harvey daily

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Closing Thoughts

This episode is an unfiltered ride through LA dating disasters, the micro-traumas of bad dates, and the resilience required to keep looking for connection. Nicole and Mariah’s chemistry shines, offering both laughs and real wisdom on the messiness of modern romance—plus a reminder that no matter your weight, your quirks, or your wild stories, being yourself (and laughing about it) is the key.

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Transcript

[Nicole Byer]

Curious about today's outfit or just want to watch the show instead of just listening, check out the YouTube link in the show Notes.

[Mariah Smith]

This is a headgum podcast.

[Nicole Byer]

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Price and participation may vary.

[Nicole Byer]

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ooh, baby. Welcome to another episode of why Won't yout Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single. Even though you could come on a pancake and tell me it's butter. My guest today is a writer, comedian, and co host of Smith Sisters Live, which is a little bit of a tongue twister for me. Streaming on Sirius XM's radio. Andy, it's Mariah Smith. Hi Mariah. How are you?

[Mariah Smith]

I'm great.

[Nicole Byer]

How are you? Listen. Thriving. Feeling good.

[Mariah Smith]

I mean, you look stunning.

[Nicole Byer]

Ugh. Thank you.

[Mariah Smith]

Everything's hitting. I'M so happy.

[Nicole Byer]

Thank you so much.

[Mariah Smith]

Nails are great.

[Nicole Byer]

Thank you. I'm wearing a sweatshirt that says Hog Wild.

[Mariah Smith]

There we go. What is that from? That looks familiar. That character.

[Nicole Byer]

I don't know. I. Okay. I love. I've been talking about Depop.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah. I. I just started listing on Depop.

[Nicole Byer]

I love Depop.

[Mariah Smith]

I just got a notification that my third item sold, and I got chills. Oh, so you. You trust Depop?

[Nicole Byer]

I do. I love Depop. It's great. I find so many fabulous things on it.

[Mariah Smith]

Oh, my God. Okay.

[Nicole Byer]

Like, weird little kitschy things. And it's all really cheap.

[Mariah Smith]

It's so cheap. Which kind of makes me sad as a seller, because they'll be like, you know, things like this. The similar Items, I paid $300 for $10. I'm like, but I don't need it. So.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah. The thing I like about it is people. So, like, I feel like a lot of, like, vintage resellers are like, I know you want it, so it's going to be $150 on Depop. They're like, I don't know, $2.

[Mariah Smith]

Like, why not? I. When I was in Portland once, I. For my birthday, I don't know why, I was like, I need this 50 cent G unit authentic concert tee. It was from the last concert. I've never been to a 50 Cent concert.

[Nicole Byer]

Sure.

[Mariah Smith]

I don't know a song from that album. $250. I almost bought it because I said, well, this is authentic. They said, it's period accurate. They were like, this is something that you can't get. And I said, well, if I can't get it, I should pay 250.

[Nicole Byer]

That's how I feel all the time.

[Mariah Smith]

I'm trying to break that.

[Nicole Byer]

But here's the thing. You can go on ebay and find the exact thing for cheaper.

[Mariah Smith]

There you go. And I'm trying to get into ebay now, too, because, like, that I feel like I've really sort of done myself a disservice by not letting that in earlier. And so I'm really trying to crack my ways.

[Nicole Byer]

I fucking love ebay. I love shopping online.

[Mariah Smith]

Me, too. It's my biggest kryptonite.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Mariah Smith]

Truly my biggest.

[Nicole Byer]

And I just.

[Mariah Smith]

I keep buying things I like. Do you have, like, a stock room in your house? Like a place where, like, they're just boxes or things? You bought that you.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Mariah Smith]

Okay, me too. Thank you.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes, thank you. But I have an assistant. Her name's Lindsey. She's really great. So I try to stay on Top of being like, hey, Lindsay, can you return this for me? Which is like, that's what you're using your assistant for.

[Mariah Smith]

I would hire someone just to do that.

[Nicole Byer]

It is very nice.

[Mariah Smith]

Because when you don't do a return, then you have the thing, and then you're just like, what do I do? What do I do?

[Nicole Byer]

Ugh. Mariah.

[Mariah Smith]

Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

Are you single?

[Mariah Smith]

Dating. Very single.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

Very single.

[Nicole Byer]

All right, so what are you looking for in a partner? And are you looking.

[Mariah Smith]

I. I am. I am. I'm looking for someone. So I've been single for a while, and I'm in my late 20s to early mid 30s. Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

We're all 20s.

[Mariah Smith]

And I am like, I'm very independent. I can do anything I want. I can get anything I want for myself. So I'm like, I want someone who can fit into that, who's also independent themselves, but also can, like, do some of those things for me, you know, like returns. Not like an assistant, but someone who'd be like, my love language is gifting. And so I love gifting things to people. So someone who loves to receive and someone who also will return things I've gifted to myself.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay, all right. I like that you're like, fuck me and do my returns.

[Mariah Smith]

Thank you. Thank you. But someone just like, vibey. People are weird here in la. Someone who doesn't have a personality the size of a peanut and who actually knows how to talk and make me laugh and also sit with me on the couch and shut up and watch ncis.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, you're an NCIS gal.

[Mariah Smith]

Oh, NCIS svu. Tracker. Elsbeth. Chicago Med.

[Nicole Byer]

What's Tracker.

[Mariah Smith]

It's on cbs. It's the number one CBS procedural. It's with Justin Hartley. Oh, it's season two. It's very good.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

Very good. He's a rewardist. He, like, goes hunting for people. Not hunting. He finds people.

[Nicole Byer]

A rewardist.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Like a bounty hunter.

[Mariah Smith]

Yes. Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

I like that you said a rewardist.

[Mariah Smith]

That's the language of the show. That's the language of the show. Yes. That's the language of the show. I'm just living in the world, you know?

[Nicole Byer]

I love that for you.

[Mariah Smith]

Thank you.

[Nicole Byer]

Are you on the apps, Mariah?

[Mariah Smith]

I am on the apps. I am on Raya and Hinge.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

I delete them constantly.

[Nicole Byer]

I know that life.

[Mariah Smith]

I hate them. And I just saw this TikTok woman who was like a. I think she's a dating coach or whatever, but she posted at the end of last year. She was like, this is What? You need to find a person in 2024. I didn't see this TikTok till a week ago.

[Nicole Byer]

Sure.

[Mariah Smith]

She was like, delete the apps. And not because it, you know, is something for your mental health. She was like, she used to work in apps. She said, delete it because they prioritize new users. So then when you re log on, she's like, don't pause your account. Don't just, like, say, I'm taking a break. Delete it fully, and then come back as a new user. Same info, whatever. You'll have better options.

[Nicole Byer]

Has that worked for you?

[Mariah Smith]

No, not yet. I mean, you're like, I just did it.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah, well, guess what?

[Mariah Smith]

I delete it at least once a month, and I still have some of the same fools coming through.

[Nicole Byer]

And how do people approach you, or are you approaching the people?

[Mariah Smith]

This is. Okay, I'm gonna admit this. And I was telling my friends this the other day because I'm a black woman who's not a stick figure on these apps. It's like tumbleweeds. And then if it's not a tumbleweed, it's someone who looks like a tumbleweed.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

So I'm trying to fix that. And it could be. I know that in my little responses, I'm not putting like, I can't wait to find the love of my life and start everything together. Da, da, da, da. It's just like, I want you to like what I like. And be normal.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Mariah Smith]

And liberal. Like, that's basically it. Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

That is truly just like, the bare minimum.

[Mariah Smith]

The bar's on the floor.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes. I. Yeah. I mean, anybody who's like, I'm looking for the love of my life. To me, that's a. That's kind of a red flag.

[Mariah Smith]

A complete red flag.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes. We're all here looking. I mean, you're either looking for the love of your life or you're just looking to fuck that.

[Mariah Smith]

And truly, the thing is, it's like, you don't have to put either one of those out there, because I'll know within the first message.

[Nicole Byer]

But I do think you should say just looking to fuck.

[McDonald's Ad Voice]

I think if that's.

[Nicole Byer]

I think if that's what you're looking for, say it.

[Mariah Smith]

But I want the love of my life.

[Nicole Byer]

Then that means you get to swipe no on the person who's like, I'm just here to fuck.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah, true.

[Nicole Byer]

Do you know what I mean? I think that's the. The one thing.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Because I can just assume that you're on a dating app. To date. To find somebody.

[Mariah Smith]

Yes. Right.

[Nicole Byer]

Like, that's just a base assumption.

[Mariah Smith]

Exactly. So find somebody to do whatever it is you. Yeah, it's like, literally just finding a person. Then you can decide what the purpose is for later.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes. But when you're like, I don't know what I'm looking for, I'm like, what do you mean, old, old man? What do you mean you don't know what you're looking for? If you're looking to fucking say it.

[Mariah Smith]

And those men are.

[Nicole Byer]

But you have to say it. So I can go, no, thank you. I don't want to just fuck. Yeah.

[Mariah Smith]

You know, but they like to trick you and then get in your messages, then ask you a real question. Then they're just like, so, what are you wearing? And it's putting it.

[Nicole Byer]

No one's ever been like, what are you wearing? These.

[Mariah Smith]

Okay. Also, during the pandemic, there was this woman who did, like, I was trying to think about it or, like, find info about it the other day, this matchmaking service for, like, singles at home. And she was like, I think you just sent her your Instagram or something. I can't remember. But it was, like, going around. And so I was like, what am I doing? So I did it.

[Nicole Byer]

Ooh.

[Mariah Smith]

I matched with this guy. He was around my age. He seemed like, this is not. He seemed good. Cause he was going to a protest, and I was like, oh, he was a white guy. And I was like, oh, man, he's in the thick of it. I had lost my mind.

[Nicole Byer]

Sure.

[Mariah Smith]

He was like, after. He was. We were talking about, like, black lives matter, whatever. And then he was like, I'm so hard right now.

[Nicole Byer]

Huh? Huh?

[Mariah Smith]

And so I said he was like.

[Nicole Byer]

Racial equality makes me horny. I was like, marching in the streets with my black sisters. Makes me wanna come.

[Mariah Smith]

I truly was blown away. I said, and for me, I'm like, I don't know what to do now with this information, because I don't want to engage you. But I also want to see what your end goal is.

[Nicole Byer]

Besides, I probably would have been like, and what is your end goal with all this?

[Mariah Smith]

Like, what is the purpose is role playing.

[Nicole Byer]

Like, us in the street, like, just before bed with signs. And then, like, you fuck me later.

[Mariah Smith]

I mean, honestly, like, you want someone then to come in with flares, and that's going to do it.

[Nicole Byer]

I have the tear gas. And he's like, and I'm gonna come. Wait. That is so wild.

[Mariah Smith]

And then he sent me photos of him and women's lingerie the next day in jeans. He said he loved to wear that as well, which I'll go for it. But I again, we had stopped talking at that place.

[Nicole Byer]

Also, I probably would have revealed I liked women's lingerie before I said protesting makes me hard.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah, yeah. So that's why these things are backwards in communication. Things are backwards.

[Nicole Byer]

That's tough. Real quick, we have to take a break.

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[Nicole Byer]

The worst dates you've been on?

[Mariah Smith]

It's it. Okay, the worst date that I have ever been on. And I can't believe I went to three locations with this person. I had met someone at an event. It was like an industry thing and he was the brother of someone. And throughout this party we had an amazing night. Like my sisters were there, his family was there. Truly by the end of the night. And it was one of Those parties that didn't end until, like, 4:00am okay. We were like, we've met each other's families, We've done this. Like, we thought we were in love. I was truly, like, this is the person I'm going to marry.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay?

[Mariah Smith]

So then his brother told a family member of mine. They were like, my brother loves, you know, Mariah. Like, he's like, we're gonna. They're gonna be together. Da, da, da. And we hadn't gone on our first date yet. And he was first. Red flag is he was using WhatsApp. He was WhatsApping me.

[Nicole Byer]

But why is that a red flag?

[Mariah Smith]

This is an Android.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

I don't. I truly.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

Do you have an Android?

[Nicole Byer]

No, I have a. I have an iPhone.

[Mariah Smith]

OK. There we go.

[Nicole Byer]

But I will say, when they have an Android, I do like WhatsApp.

[Mariah Smith]

I hate WhatsApp.

[Nicole Byer]

Really? I hate it because I like WhatsApp better than the green, but the WhatsApp.

[Mariah Smith]

Is the green personified for me.

[Nicole Byer]

But you can switch the settings, so mine are purple.

[Mariah Smith]

If you have to use WhatsApp, your phone doesn't work without Wi fi. So what are we doing? I don't get it. I hate it. And so he was messaging me on WhatsApp and we were, like, planning our date.

[Nicole Byer]

He.

[Mariah Smith]

At the time, I was vegan. He was also vegan. And so we went to this vegan restaurant for our date. And this is when he had told me already that he wanted to marry me and was, like, waiting for the right time to propose, basically.

[Nicole Byer]

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa.

[Mariah Smith]

Before I first date.

[Nicole Byer]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So at this event, he was like, I want to marry you.

[Mariah Smith]

Yes. Then after.

[Nicole Byer]

And you said, this is great. Let's go on a date.

[Mariah Smith]

I was 20 something. Lost in it.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay. I thought, I get it. Lost in the sauce.

[Mariah Smith]

Loving my life.

[Nicole Byer]

All right.

[Mariah Smith]

It, like, I think of this event, we were, like, making out all this, like, it was just. It felt like a fairy tale.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

And so we went to this restaurant and, like, things were going okay until he had told me that he.

[Nicole Byer]

Had.

[Mariah Smith]

Run into some legal trouble. And it was for something, like, crazy. And I was like, okay, not too bad. It wasn't like a violent offense. So I was like, this is fine. So he then was like, let's go to this bar near my apartment. And it's a bar I like. So it was near where I lived. We get a cab, he gets the Uber. And it's under someone else's name, but someone's name of note. And I was like, why are you using this person's name as you're like uber again, didn't think twice about it. We're at this bar, Second location. We're at this bar and we're just drinking. And I was like, so what's your favorite thing? And he was like, about. We were talking about work and I was like, what's your favorite thing, you know, that you do in your job, like all that? And he said, firing people.

[Nicole Byer]

And I was like, oh, firing people?

[Mariah Smith]

Yes, firing people was his favorite thing. And I'm like, huh, that's tricky. Yeah, that's interesting. And like, it was just. And that was the least offensive thing he said during that time.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

Again, he was like, I have a great view from my apartment. Do you want to come over? And I'm like, sure. At this point I already knew. I was like, maybe, you know, no one's perfect, basically, and that everyone has flaws and you're older than me.

[Nicole Byer]

Some of these things.

[Mariah Smith]

I can accept some of these things. And he had.

[Nicole Byer]

What else did he say on, like while you were at the bar?

[Mariah Smith]

He, when he had legal troubles, had to come across the country to New York. I was in New York then. And he couldn't fly. And so he.

[Nicole Byer]

He couldn't fly?

[Mariah Smith]

No. So he drove. And there are very key things I truly cannot say.

[Nicole Byer]

Sure. Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

So he drove and then as he was driving, he loved, he was like, I love getting on apps and find women who were married. Somebody used to have like quick one night stands out. Go through the the country and do that.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

So I was like, I mean my mental Mariah.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm just saying. You went to three locations with a man who said, I have legal troubles. And on my way to solve those legal troubles, I fucked married women across the country to. And then the end goal is to settle my legal troubles. But. Okay, let's go to the third location.

[Mariah Smith]

The third location is his home. Uh huh. And he. We're in Manhattan and we're in like, it is upper town. But he. I said upper town. Like I didn't live there. I was like, uptown, but upper. I liked, I liked it uptown, you know, I was like, upper Town, Stupid. Upper town, Upper town, Upper Town New York. I was like, where was this? Upper town, upper town. But he lives alone in a three bedroom apartment.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

And I'm like, okay, doing well, doing well. Walk in. Everything is pristine. But he has red leather couches. And I'm like, huh?

[Nicole Byer]

Okay, so then how red are we talking, like fire engine red or like.

[Mariah Smith]

Burgundy Closer to fire engine, but not as bright.

[Nicole Byer]

Look.

[Mariah Smith]

Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

And it's like. It's like one of those sets you get at, like, Bob's dish. It's, you know, the couch, the love seat, the chair type situation.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay. So he also.

[Mariah Smith]

What I realized is very organized, and we. He was like, do you want a glass of wine? And I'm like, sure. I don't drink red. But he only had red. So I was like, okay, of course.

[Nicole Byer]

Red couch is red wine.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah. But he was like, I don't really drink wine, so I don't know how to open this. And so I tried to open. Or I opened the wine bottle, and for whatever reason, and this is the first and last time this has happened to me. It was red wine. It, like, splattered on the wall. And this man, again, very particular in white walls.

[Nicole Byer]

Mm.

[Mariah Smith]

He got very upset, and I had to clean the walls. As I'm repeating this, I haven't told this story in a while. And I was. I can't stress enough. I was in my early 20s.

[Nicole Byer]

So he was like, you made a mess. Clean the wall. Clean it up.

[Mariah Smith]

Clean it up. And so I was like, okay. So after I clean the walls, we go to his couch. And, you know, I was like, oh, you know what's gonna happen? And he was like, I want to show you my favorite show. And I was like, okay. And so then we watched an episode of Archer. And I was like, all right, cool. So then, you know, still. I'm like, I'll still maybe, like, hook up with him or something. I made it this far. I made it this far. And then when I, like, truly. When I got in my right mind, I was like, I'm not gonna have sex with this man. I excused myself. He then. And for some reason, I was like, I hope he still likes me. Like, truly deranged. I was really hoping. Then the next day or like, a couple of days later, he texted me, and he was like, yeah, I don't think we're compatible. You want something more serious than I can give you? And I was like, okay.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay, great.

[Mariah Smith]

Good to know.

[Nicole Byer]

I. It. What a wild. That is. That is a wild date.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah. But I wish I could say I made better choices after that. I truly got a massage the other day because I had class pass points, and it was this random place in the Valley. It looked normal. I walk in, and it's like one of those warehouses that have multiple little things, and it's this man. And I thought it was, like, a business. I get into A room smaller than this, like half this size. It's only one massage table, just this man and his tools. And he like, was doing like, wanted to like a. It was like very deep tissue sort of sports like type of massage. Before the massage, he's on bended knee talking to me like this for an hour and a half about the tissue in your body and how important massaging is and like how, how you. He gets into things and like how it connects with the mind and brain. Again, I love massages. First thing you should know, an hour and a half and I'm. I. The time was flying because I was like, I just want him to give me my massage and I'm alone in this room with him and I don't want to leave. Yeah. So then finally get the. I. He excuses himself. I get undressed for the massage. I'm on the massage table. He's using different tools and he was like, I need you to breathe deep. You know, like sometimes in a massage I want you to breathe to like get the tension out. And he was like, you're not breathing hard enough or loud enough. You need to breathe louder for the people in the other room to hear you. And so he was like, he was trying to tell me how hard to like breathe. And I was like, I just wanted to keep doing it so he would tell me, not tell me to keep doing it, basically, you know. And then I left and I tipped him, of course. I really, I understand. I sound like a lunatic and I do have, I do have my wits about me. I do, I promise you. It's just in certain situations, they go out of the window.

[Nicole Byer]

I feel you on this. I've been in very strange circumstances where I'm like, I should leave and I don't, I don't, I stay. And it's weird and it is what.

[Mariah Smith]

It is and I can't help but. And then I look back on it and as I retell it, I'm like, my parents raised me so much better. So much better.

[Nicole Byer]

I was raised with just a little bit of sand and I don't know where it's gone.

[Mariah Smith]

Truly, baby.

[Nicole Byer]

So funny. How long did this massage? Was it like a two hour massage?

[Mariah Smith]

It was only 60 minutes and usually I do minimum 90 minutes. I love a two hour. And like the 60 minutes was already. It was basically like a hint of a massage for me. And so for it to be that type of experience for only 60 minutes, it. I could have just had my points crossover to the next month.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes. Wait, what is class Pass. People talk about it, and I don't know what it is.

[Mariah Smith]

I used to hate it. And when I lived in New York, I had it and I hated it.

[Nicole Byer]

But how long did you live in New York?

[Mariah Smith]

Ten years.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, okay.

[Mariah Smith]

And I, like, never used it. I was always missing classes. It was, like, didn't work well for me. And then when I. Like, earlier this year, I started doing Pilates, and I was like, I don't want to go to one studio or do one X, Y and Z. And I realized on Class Pass, you can go to a Pilates class for, like, eight points or, like, six points or whatever. And it's only $89 a month to go to all these other things. I can do that. I can go to Berry's, I can go to Bunda. I can do whatever. And it's like, I use it as a supplement to, like, my full workouts, you know? I love it. And you can get facials, massages. Oh, actually good ones.

[Nicole Byer]

Maybe I should get into. It's called Class Pass Class.

[Mariah Smith]

I'll send you a code.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah, send me a code for class pass. I don't really do classes.

[Mariah Smith]

I really hate them. And I can only stomach, like, berries. I like the. How it feels after, but I hate that type of instructor Pilates. I love it because I can't really see the instructor. They're just, like, walking around talking. It doesn't. It feels like you're in your own little world. But I can't do what I used to do in New York, where it's like a dance fitness class and you're just, like, up, like, that type of thing. That would drive me crazy.

[Nicole Byer]

I simply can't. I once did a Zumba class where the teacher kept dancing right next to me. My friend was like, she doesn't ever do that. No, I'll never get it. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. And then I used to do pole classes. Now I do private sessions because it's tailored to me.

[Mariah Smith]

I love a private session.

[Nicole Byer]

Right.

[Mariah Smith]

And that's how I started doing Pilates. I, like, started with private sessions before I did any classes. So I was like, you know, I've never done a reformer.

[Nicole Byer]

What's a reformer?

[Mariah Smith]

It's the. That's the machine Machine. I'd never done it. I've never even taken a yoga class or Pilates class on a mat. So truly had no idea what I was doing. It helped so much. It took three privates, then jumped into classes. I also did that with lifting. I started. I start every new now my new thing is every new, like, exercise I want to try. I do a private.

[Nicole Byer]

Well, I think that's, like, helpful because you kind of learn how your body works for things. Like, the last pole class I took, I was like, oh, do you have, like, an adjustment for this move? And she was like, no, just do it. And I was like, cool.

[Mariah Smith]

Okay.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay. So then I knew in my brain, I was like, in order for me to do it, I have to figure out the adjustment. And that, like, sucks. It sucks when someone's like, just do it.

[Mariah Smith]

And be like, I hate that. Cause then I'm like, I'm not gonna do it. No, I'm truly. And I can't imagine on a poll. I'm not gonna do it.

[Nicole Byer]

No.

[Mariah Smith]

Like, absolutely not. That is hard.

[Nicole Byer]

Poll is very hard.

[Mariah Smith]

How do you handle going upside down?

[Nicole Byer]

Well, thank you for asking. I've just really gotten into is hard, and you kind of just have. When you are upside down, you're like, all right, there is a finite amount of time for me to set into the move or come down, because I can't hold it for super long. Some people can. But I can do a crucifix, which is you're holding the pole upside down with your knees and your arms go out. I can do an inside leg hang.

[Mariah Smith]

Which hurts because that's like, when you're. It's one leg.

[Nicole Byer]

It's one leg over the pole, and then your other leg is going backwards, and then you're holding it with the pole is like that through your leg, and then your arm has to grip the pole. So there's, like, three points. And I'm learning how to do leg switches, and it. Oh, my God. My side coordination, I was going to.

[Mariah Smith]

Say, is your body literally, like, insane?

[Nicole Byer]

My body is bruised on one side, and.

[Mariah Smith]

But how do you even it out then?

[Nicole Byer]

You have to do both sides. And my teacher's always like, we gotta do the both. We gotta do both sides. And I'm always like, leave me alone. That is hard. It's Mariah. You have no idea.

[Mariah Smith]

That.

[Nicole Byer]

And I don't know why I love it so much.

[Mariah Smith]

Because it's like, when you get the. That's why I feel lifting. It's like when you get the. When you have progression, it's addicting, even though it is hateful in the moment. There you go. You got it.

[Nicole Byer]

Huh? Oh, my body. I had pole on Sunday, and I'm still reeling from it because I had to go to my friend's adult tap recital. The tapitalists There was a monster who came to town, and that was the whole. The whole storyline. It was really wild, and I loved it. Okay, but we only had an hour. Usually we'd go for two, and she was like, all right, well, we're working on Upside down, so we'll just go upside down for the hour.

[Mariah Smith]

No.

[Nicole Byer]

And I had to invert, like, I don't know, like, 10 times. And I was exhausted and probably delirious.

[Mariah Smith]

Because your body, like, being, like, keeping to go. Going up and down. Like, I have pots and I could never.

[Nicole Byer]

I have pans. What's pots?

[Mariah Smith]

Pots is like, I don't know, the actual, like, postural or. It's basically when your blood constricts. And, like, I get dizzy very easily and I faint.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, no.

[Mariah Smith]

And so, like, going up. I truly can't. Like, I can't get up too quick, or else I'm liable to pass out.

[Nicole Byer]

That's so scary.

[Mariah Smith]

It was fine.

[Nicole Byer]

Is it?

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah. I mean, I Honestly, I think TikTok. Cause it taught me what it was.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, you know, TikTok and Instagram. They be teaching.

[Mariah Smith]

They be teaching. Cause I was like, I've been fainting since I was six, and the first time was at a funeral. And my peop. My family and doctors thought it was just, like, shock and then kept happening. I faint at least once a year. Like, I know. It's been 364 days. I'm like, oh, Jesus, I'm about to faint tomorrow. Cause, like, I know.

[Nicole Byer]

Do you know you're about to faint?

[Mariah Smith]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Byer]

You, like, so you could be like, I'm gonna faint.

[Mariah Smith]

Yes, yes. And I. But then I was like, every doctor I went to, and I've seen so many doctors, and they're like, you just need, like, smelling salts. And it's like, I clearly. I don't just need smelling salts.

[Nicole Byer]

There's something else going on.

[Mariah Smith]

Something's happening.

[Nicole Byer]

Something's afoot.

[Mariah Smith]

Something's afoot. Then I heard about pots, and I was like, I have every one of those symptoms. And I went to my doctor and, like, we did some tests, and they were like, oh, yeah. When you stand up, your blood, like, is supposed to, I think, go to your head or something. And mine pools in my abdomen so I don't get blood flow, like, further up. And then I just get dizzy. So I just have to be careful.

[Nicole Byer]

That is so wild that you had to, like, go online, watch videos, and be like, this is what's wrong with me. And then a doctor went, ah, yes, yes. That is what's wrong with you?

[Mariah Smith]

And I truly don't even know much about it because I'm like, They're just like, oh, yeah, they don't. And doctors don't call it pots. A lot of the times that's like. It's a term for it, but it's an umbrella for a lot of stuff. But I'm like, it's. Mine is by no means as drastic as many other people's. Like, I just am very used to it because I've been living my life like this all day. I'm like, everyone doesn't get dizzy when they stand up. Everyone doesn't go black when they stand up. And I was like, oh, okay.

[Nicole Byer]

Fun. It is fun to figure out what's wrong with you. I have type 2 diabetes. Yay. She did it. And all of my diabetic symptoms I thought were just, that's the way my body is. And since being on medication for it, I was like, oh, that's how people been living. That's so nice, because I would get, like, super thirsty or I peed so much. And then I can't describe how my body felt internally other than, like, I had tingles a lot. Ooh. Like, I was very tingly all the time and would get, like, sick to my stomach a lot, and I just, like, wouldn't feel good.

[Mariah Smith]

And what tipped it? Like, when were you, like, what's going on?

[Nicole Byer]

Okay, well, I went to the gynecologist.

[Mariah Smith]

Okay, good for you.

[Nicole Byer]

And she did my blood pressure. And she was like, it was like 200 over something. And she was like, do you see spots? Do you have a headache? And I was like, no. And then she was like, because if you had any of those things, I'd send you to the er. And I was like, oh, my God, it's an emergency. And then I lived like that for two more years. And then I fell down my stairs in 2020, and I broke my ankle and was at the ER and then went to the orthopedic surgeon. They did my blood pressure, and they were like, we cannot operate on you with this high blood pressure. And I was like, ugh, rats. I have to walk. So then I went to a general practitioner or whatever, and she put me on. We did, like, a bunch of tests, and she was like, you have high cholesterol and you have high blood pressure, so let's get all those in check. And then she was like, and your AC1 or whatever is in diabetic range. Like, it's very high. And I was like, whoa, What? So Then she put me on Metformin.

[Mariah Smith]

Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

And all of. All of it went away. And I was like.

[Mariah Smith]

I was seeing spots.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah, I did have a headache.

[Mariah Smith]

Isn't it great being black?

[Nicole Byer]

It's fun.

[Mariah Smith]

So.

[Nicole Byer]

Well, I will say it is my fault because that gynecologist, her name is Rebecca Brown. She was my favorite. She has since left the practice, and I really miss you, Rebecca, But I really loved her. She was so nice to me. And then, like, checked in on me. Like, she was like. She was really, like. She was like, have you gotten this under control? And I was like, bitch, no.

[Mariah Smith]

Leave me alone. I love you.

[Nicole Byer]

No. And then when I finally did, I was like, oh, yeah, Here you go. And then before I got on birth control, she was like, you told me that your mother died of deep vein thrombosis. So I need you to get some tests done to make sure that you are not predisposed to blood clots before I figure out what to prescribe you. And I. I loved her so much because no other doctor had taken such care.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And, like, made sure that, like, my family history came into play and stuff, because I think some doctors are like, you are fat, and that's it.

[Mariah Smith]

Lose weight. I don't.

[Nicole Byer]

Whatever. But, like, she really made sure to be, like, some stuff. You can't help that.

[Mariah Smith]

That is. So I'm. My mind is blown because my dad died of deep vein thrombosis after, and he had type 2 diabetes, and he was like, doctors weren't helping him get it under control, and he had, like, stressful job. It was during, you know, 20, 21. And so then after that, I was like, let me go to the doctor. And I realized I was like, I need to, like, get ahead of basically my health, family's health history, and truly just being black in American, not being predisposed to high blood pressure, type 2. And so I got on Mounjaro, and I never looked back. And now also on Mounjaro, it's my favorite thing in the world.

[Nicole Byer]

I like it, but I'm like, will I be part of a class action lawsuit in 10 years?

[Mariah Smith]

I don't care. But I'm like. I truly am. Like, it is the best thing in the world. As expensive as the dickens, but it's great.

[Nicole Byer]

Does your. Your insurance doesn't cover it because I'm.

[Mariah Smith]

I'm not diabetic. And so it's like, not. It's. But I'm like, I need this so I don't become diabetic. Yes. Because my body that's what it wants to do. So yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

I once went to the doctor. I had been away for a week, so I hadn't taken it. And she was like, your numbers are bad. And I was like, what? I was like, just a week not taking this. Okay, like, let's get to it.

[Mariah Smith]

I mean it is. I truly. And I also just got off Metformin. Cause I was on that too.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, I think.

[Mariah Smith]

And it's a miracle drug. It's like the fountain of youth. They say what monvara? Metformin. Oh, Metformin for so many things. They're like it for whatever reason. Now I sound like a woohoo person on TikTok. I love it, but it like changes you from the inside out. Oh, it like really reworks. Whatever. Which is why I loved being on it. But then it started making me feel sick again. I was like, I can't do this.

[Nicole Byer]

Interesting. Metformin doesn't make me feel sick. I'm just on so much stuff right now.

[Mariah Smith]

Me too. I love a mad de dee dee dee.

[Nicole Byer]

Real quick. We gotta take a break.

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[Nicole Byer]

We're back. Did you lose weight on Manjaro?

[Mariah Smith]

I did.

[Nicole Byer]

May I ask how much?

[Mariah Smith]

It's so crazy When I say this, because I can't believe it. And my family can't. £100.

[Nicole Byer]

That's great.

[Mariah Smith]

That's great. And I'm like, I still want to lose more, but I don't know.

[Nicole Byer]

I lost 90.

[Mariah Smith]

That's. Isn't it crazy?

[Nicole Byer]

It is crazy that there was 90 extra pounds on me. And also it was. Okay. I don't. Did you ever look in the mirror and go, I don't know who this person is?

[Mariah Smith]

Not yet. Okay. Kind of. Well, I don't know. Cause I'm like, it felt to me. I still feel like I look the exact same. So I don't know what wrong with.

[Nicole Byer]

Me in that regard.

[Mariah Smith]

So I think that that's a me issue and not a issue that many others are having.

[Nicole Byer]

Interesting. I, like, once woke up and I was like, I don't know who she is. I don't know.

[Mariah Smith]

She looks different.

[Nicole Byer]

Wow.

[Mariah Smith]

And what was that like for you?

[Nicole Byer]

It felt weird. I was like, I'd have to get used to this person. Yeah. And for a hot second, I was like, I don't know if I like her. She looks weird. And I missed my bigger butt.

[Mariah Smith]

Really?

[Nicole Byer]

I just missed things. Yes. Wow.

[Mariah Smith]

And.

[Nicole Byer]

Cause I. I don't know. I. I liked the way I looked.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

I. I liked having a bigger butt. I liked the way that, like, my titties were tiny. My butt was big. Like, it was really very much pear shaped. And then I liked my double chin being more prominent because I thought I looked more cherub. Like.

[Mariah Smith]

Oh, my God. The thing is, you have always, like, an actual doll, so I think that, like, part of the thing. But that's not gonna go away. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And that was the thing I had to get with to be like, oh, I am still me.

[Mariah Smith]

Right.

[Nicole Byer]

I just look a little different.

[Mariah Smith]

Right.

[Nicole Byer]

And then I, like, stopped posting pictures of, like, my body so much because I was like, I don't want my body to be a point of discussion. And I don't want to hear congratulations. Because it was like, oh, I have diabetes.

[Mariah Smith]

Like, this is not. Like, why are you like, yay, someone? And in my DMs, they were like, I just posted a photo and they were like, look at the glow up. And I was like, that's tough to.

[Nicole Byer]

Hear the glow up. Cause it's like, I thought I was cute before.

[Mariah Smith]

And my sister Lauren always would say, and this is true. She's like, a bad bitch is a bad bitch, no matter what. That's what I think. And I'm like, that I have, you know, Regardless of my dating history for the past, whatever. I'm a little cutie. I can. You know, I'm like, the face was always gonna be there.

[Nicole Byer]

The face was always facing.

[Mariah Smith]

No. No matter what.

[Nicole Byer]

That's how I felt. And I didn't have trouble fucking.

[Mariah Smith]

Well, I do. Oh, yeah. They don't like me out here.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm sorry. Do you find dating was easier in New York?

[Mariah Smith]

Yes, a lot. But I wasn't taking it as seriously.

[Nicole Byer]

Same.

[Mariah Smith]

And so that's the issue. Same.

[Nicole Byer]

When I was in New York, it wasn't like, oh, I'd like to be partnered. I was like, who am I gonna fuck tonight?

[Mariah Smith]

You're just like, I'm just literally out in Brooklyn till 5am yes. Doing God knows what. And so I. In hindsight, I'm like, oh, but now I can't go back. No, I'm here.

[Nicole Byer]

No, not at all. You know what's interesting about losing weight and exercise?

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

It does make the exercise easy. Which is. Or not easy. Easier. Which is annoying. Because when you're fatter, they're like, just exercise. And you're like, but it's hard.

[Mariah Smith]

Hard.

[Nicole Byer]

But it's so hard.

[Mariah Smith]

And now it's like.

[Nicole Byer]

And now it's like, okay, things are a little easier.

[Mariah Smith]

But also, I actually love exercising.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm not there yet.

[Mariah Smith]

And I truly never thought I would. And I used, like, there were times in my, like when I lived in New York where I would go to crunch all the time and do those stupid little classes. And now my whole week revolves around my lifting schedule and Pilates. Oh, that's it.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, I'm simply not there yet. I. I do these, like, I've talked about it before, but I do these 30 minute workouts with this man named Daniel who's a part of the body project. I don't know, it's like a bigger thing that I'm not. I just do the free videos that are on YouTube. I don't do them with his wife. I don't like her. She goes too fast and she doesn't tell me I'm doing a good job. But Daniel will tell me I'm doing a good job.

[Mariah Smith]

I love that.

[Nicole Byer]

And he's like, sit down if you want. He's from Australia or somewhere.

[Mariah Smith]

I feel like I've heard of him before.

[Nicole Byer]

I mean, I love it. And I. I was like, okay, If I do 30 minutes a day, yeah, that's more than not doing it. Yeah, I can commit to 30 minutes, but I'll put it off for the longest. Cause I just hate it. And then he's always like, do you feel better? And I'm like, yeah, I guess I do. Yeah, yeah, begrudgingly.

[Mariah Smith]

I do.

[Nicole Byer]

Like.

[Mariah Smith]

And that's. I'm gonna speak to you like someone I hate.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes, give it to me.

[Mariah Smith]

That's why it's best to do it in the morning. It's truly, and I will say, my sister's. Our radio show is from 6am to 7am like, we're live 6am to 7am I'm not a morning person, so I'm like, I'm already up. I may as well.

[Nicole Byer]

Is this from home, or do you.

[Mariah Smith]

Have to drive somewhere from home? Thank God. And I'm like, I may as well just, like, get it done. And I realize when I don't simply just go after our show, it's harder for me to, like, I still want to go, but it's harder for me to be like, okay, let's just go do it. And I have less energy to do it. But I truly. Never in my life, even when I thought I enjoyed working out, thought I would enjoy working out, I simply don't.

[Nicole Byer]

But I do love pole. And I think the key is, like, finding something you love. Wait, have you ever met anyone at the gym?

[Mariah Smith]

No, because I take these.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, because you do privates?

[Mariah Smith]

Well, I was doing privates then. I am in these up until last week. Small, like women. It's like this woman lifting trainer. It's like six people a session at her house in Encino outside. And it's amazing. But, like, now I just needed to change for a variety of reasons that may or may not have included the election.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, okay. Well, then. But do you think you would ever approach anyone at the gym?

[Mariah Smith]

No. Why? I. Personally, for me, I don't want to be bothered. So I'm like, why then would I bother someone else?

[Nicole Byer]

I get that.

[Mariah Smith]

Like, I just. It's not. I'm not in that headspace, maybe right as I'm entering or. Or departing or departing, like, but as it's happening, I'm too focused on, like, what I need to get done, and I don't want to lose momentum, and I just gotta keep it going.

[Nicole Byer]

Wow.

[Mariah Smith]

That's also probably why I'm not single, too. I don't approach people.

[Nicole Byer]

I mean, I don't really approach people either, but sometimes I do. Like, I really like to give a compliment, like, oh, my goodness, look at those pants.

[Mariah Smith]

And that's. That's what they were off to, the racist.

[Nicole Byer]

Ooh, look at those pants.

[Mariah Smith]

Your Life has changed.

[Nicole Byer]

I like those pants. Wait, so you're on the apps currently?

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Have you had any good dates from the apps?

[Mariah Smith]

No. No, not a single good one. Like pleasant.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay. What do you mean by pleasant?

[Mariah Smith]

They're a nice enough person. Like you can hold a conversation with them, but no one who is like, oh, you know, like a connection type of thing or it's just weird.

[Nicole Byer]

Fair. I went on a string of like weird bad dates. It was like a solid three month span where I was like, everybody's bad. Like, I keep getting into my car and calling somebody, being like, this happened. And they'd be like, it's not that bad. I'm like, yeah, but like, ugh, it's just weird. Yes. They're just being weird and just like not fun. Right. Or they'll suggest like a bad place to go. And I'm like, whatever, I guess I'll go here.

[Mariah Smith]

I truly. And I don't. I'm someone who like, I don't like to be put go out of my way, especially if it's for someone on an app. I'm like, I am. I need it to be the most convenient thing. And the. It has to make complete sense. I'm like, I have more things to do again. Even if that's just sitting on my couch watching Gibbs on ncis. Like that's important to me. Yes, that is important to my health and wellness. Like I. I will cancel anything to do that.

[Nicole Byer]

Just sit on the couch. Wait, tell me about another date you've been on. I don't think your nails.

[Mariah Smith]

They'Re bad. Because they're not bad.

[Nicole Byer]

They're just, they're not smooth.

[Mariah Smith]

They're not smooth, but that's okay. I know.

[Nicole Byer]

And it's hard gel and it's iridescent.

[Mariah Smith]

So it's hard to do.

[Nicole Byer]

Do you have a little thing?

[Mariah Smith]

No, I don't have that yet. I just started my hard gel journey at home and we're going to get better. Were gonna get better. I did them last night and then I did them again this morning after my show at 7am I was like, I can't look at these anymore. The ones last night.

[Nicole Byer]

What time do you go to sleep?

[Mariah Smith]

I try to be asleep by 10:30 and sometimes it doesn't work. But in an ideal world, and I say 10:30 so I can be a functioning member of like grown up society, in an ideal world, I'd be in bed by eight.

[Nicole Byer]

Eight. That's so early.

[Mariah Smith]

I love the bed, I love the couch and I love the sleep I love sleeping too.

[Nicole Byer]

I. Okay. I love sleeping during the day.

[Mariah Smith]

I do. I love a nap. I love a nap. I love a nap and I have a nap.

[Nicole Byer]

I love waking up at noon.

[Mariah Smith]

It's. I wish I could wake up at noon now.

[Nicole Byer]

Well, you can't. You gotta work at 6 fucking a.m.

[Mariah Smith]

Even when I wanna. The other day I had. We didn't have the show and my body naturally woke me up at 5:30 in the morning. I wanted to catapult myself out of the window and I couldn't go back to sleep. Could not go back to sleep.

[Nicole Byer]

Do you wear an eye mask?

[Mariah Smith]

Oh God, I have it all. I have an eye mask, I have a weighted blanket. I have. Wait.

[Nicole Byer]

And you couldn't go back to sleep with all that?

[Mariah Smith]

No. Cause my brain was just racing.

[Nicole Byer]

See, when it's the day my brain goes. There's a lot of stuff going on. You better get back to sleep. You better stay away from the world.

[Mariah Smith]

Here's the thing, don't play with me. In a good old nap, I will fall asleep at 11am till 3pm but sometimes I just gotta be like, call it a day at 8:30, see what's doing on YouTube and get my behind a bed.

[Nicole Byer]

That's so funny. I can't do that. I'm up till 1, 2, 3. Just finding things to do.

[Mariah Smith]

That's my preference.

[Nicole Byer]

Gotta fold the laundry. It's 3am, I wish.

[Mariah Smith]

That's my preference. And that's who I am at my core. But the way my job is set up right now, unfortunately, it's boxed me into a corner.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm so sorry. God bless.

[Mariah Smith]

Thank you.

[Nicole Byer]

Wait, tell me about another date you've been on.

[Mariah Smith]

Let me see. I'm trying to think of one that's like not insane.

[Nicole Byer]

I want insane. Unless it's traumatic for you.

[Mariah Smith]

No, I think no, no, nothing. I can't find trauma in many other, many things now since experiencing the death of a parent, it does. Like, I just. I truly. A date. I'm trying to think of a date. Oh God. When I first moved to la, before I moved here and I really. I can't stress enough. I have good judgment, I do. I just want to preface this by saying I have good judgment. So before I moved to la, I was on. I don't know how I met this guy. I think I was on some dating app. It had to have been. And I was like searching. I was looking in la. Cause I was about to be there the next week and we matched and then we started talking. He seemed like, nice, normal into the same things. And I remember. And this is again, first red flag. We were like, since I'm not there, let's. We didn't even FaceTime. We talked on the phone.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

We were talking on the phone. We talked on the phone for five hours. And I was like, oh, this guy seems like great. Amazing.

[Nicole Byer]

Five hours.

[Mariah Smith]

Get. Get to la. We have a date. And I wish I remembered where it was because, like, I didn't have my bearings about this city. And I truly wish it was like some jazz place.

[Nicole Byer]

I think, oh, no. I simply would say, no, it was.

[Mariah Smith]

But I didn't know what I did not know.

[Nicole Byer]

Sure. Okay.

[Mariah Smith]

So we go to this jazz place. And he had. He had been telling me that he was not really employed, but, like, working for a. I think what he said was a quarter at his mom's theater, like, as a performer. And he was just doing that as like a. He had some reason. But why it had to be a quarter? I don't really. A quarter. I really. It was like some theater in Glendale, like something.

[Nicole Byer]

Wait, he was working as a quarter?

[Mariah Smith]

No, for a quarter, like, as payment.

[Nicole Byer]

One singular quarter.

[Mariah Smith]

One singular quarter. It was like he was. That was this, like the.

[Nicole Byer]

I love that you said that so casually, like it was a thing. He was working for a quarter and, you know, his mom owned the theater. And I'm like, okay.

[Mariah Smith]

I. I'm like. Because I'm trying to get. Okay. So he. So we went on that date again. Stupid. I just moved to my apartment and it wasn't really furnished. I was like, oh, let's just go back to my apartment, get a bottle of tequila, go back to my apartment. I. We get there and he proceeds to show me he's a white guy. He shows me. He was like, you look exactly like my ex girlfriend. And it was like this. We didn't look alike at all. She was black. It was this black girl.

[Nicole Byer]

It was just another black person.

[Mariah Smith]

It was just another black person.

[Nicole Byer]

You guys are twins. You must be related. What would you do if he showed you your sister? Like one of your sisters?

[Mariah Smith]

I kind of would have kept it going just far enough to be able to make fun of him the next day. Cause I'm like, also, if you dated one of my sisters, you know exactly who I am. That's the first thing we talk about is each other. But I. So then he was like, you know, reminding me about how. Or he was telling me how I looked like her, showed me the photo, and then was like, yeah, you know, we were Together for a long time. Da, da, da. She was amazing in bed. Like, I wonder if you'll be as good as her in bed. And I was like, ew. Hmm. And so then he starts crying about his ex girlfriend and about how much he loved her and loves her, but thinks that he could love me as much as he loved her or loves her. And when I was like, I think, you know, you should leave.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Mariah Smith]

He was like, I don't understand why. Like, what's wrong with, like, a man showing emotion? I was like, it's not you showing emotion. It's what the emotion is about. What the emotion is about. That's what that is.

[Nicole Byer]

That's wild.

[Mariah Smith]

And it was so. And again, that was like the. I think the second night I officially lived in la, I was like, welcome to la.

[Nicole Byer]

Everyone's a freak.

[Mariah Smith]

Everyone is a freak. Freak. And so what the best part about this guy is he was obviously wayward and he decided that the best thing for him was to go teach English abroad. And he had a blog about was one of the craziest things. He, like, lived off peaches for a month. Like some. It was very weird. And I'm like, thank the good Lord. I didn't even take this. I didn't even get.

[Nicole Byer]

Did you find the. You found the blog?

[Mariah Smith]

After, after, after. They'd already gone to where it went.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, my God. I can't imagine. A, someone crying on the first date.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah. B, about their ex girlfriend who looked like me.

[Nicole Byer]

My God. And I think it's wild that he showed you a picture of her. That's unhinged. That's wild. God bless. Oh, my God, Mariah.

[Mariah Smith]

So, yeah, that's why I think dating in LA for me is also, like. I'm still quite unsteady because no one I've met feels regular. Like they know it's just, like, something. And I wonder about myself. I'm like, have I become warped in the brain? And is that what people are thinking about me as well? Cause, like, I just don't. I just don't know.

[Nicole Byer]

I don't know either, but I think there's somebody out there for you.

[Mariah Smith]

We'll see.

[Nicole Byer]

We'll see. No, I definitely do.

[Mariah Smith]

Okay. I take it in. I receive it.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah, receive it.

[Mariah Smith]

I receive it.

[Nicole Byer]

Boy, oh, boy. I'm really stuck on this man crying on a first date. I've had a man cry on a date and I was like, oh, no.

[Mariah Smith]

It's just jarring when someone shows that type of, like, emotion in a way that's not about you. Yeah. And that's not joyous. Like, it just is.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah. I mean, I do think we should be in a relationship before you start crying at me.

[Mariah Smith]

That is a. Yeah, I think that. And that's honestly not a lot to ask.

[Nicole Byer]

Nah, just a little bit of a commitment before you. Boohoo.

[Mariah Smith]

Hooray. I'm not even crying in front of my dog, God rest his soul. Cause I'm too nervous about it. Like, why would I cry in front of a stranger on a date?

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah. That's wild. I've only cried on one date, and that was going to the Sonic the Hedgehog themed cafe and what?

[Mariah Smith]

Gotcha.

[Nicole Byer]

I love Sonic, but truly, it was like, in an old sunglass hut.

[Mariah Smith]

Okay.

[Nicole Byer]

It was not like, it was not as big and as grand as I thought it was gonna be, but I was just so excited to be there that I was just like, tears of joy streamed down my face. I love that. I was so fucking excited.

[Mariah Smith]

And how'd your date receive it?

[Nicole Byer]

You know, he was like. He said, I wish. I hope one day I love something as much as you love Sonic.

[Mariah Smith]

I love that.

[Nicole Byer]

I love it. Wait, Mariah, do you have any advice for single people?

[Mariah Smith]

I would say be more vulnerable than you think you should be, which I have yet to do, but I know is like, what's holding me back. And so that is probably the biggest piece of advice. And treat it like a job, which I'm gonna start doing in the new year. Like, that's what I felt like I is. That's what I feel like I need to be doing. One of my friends, I met her boyfriend that she met on the app, and she was like, it took a while, but she said bare minimum, go on two dates a month. But then I knew one friend who met her husband. She would go, I think, for. And this only lasted a month, I believe for like, three days of the week. She would go on three dates a night. So it'd be drinks, snacks, and then dessert. But met her husband within a month.

[Nicole Byer]

Wait, she was going on three dates a week or three days a day?

[Mariah Smith]

Three days a night for like, three. She was like, trying to, like, get like. She was trying to do something different and be like, I just need to date more. And committed to doing, like, an aggressive amount of dating. And it paid off tenfold.

[Nicole Byer]

That's.

[Mariah Smith]

Again, I know I go to bed early and I love being on my couch. That is not the system for me. No, that is not.

[Nicole Byer]

So two dates a month, I think, is good for you.

[Mariah Smith]

Two dates A month is really good for me.

[Nicole Byer]

Mariah, I could talk to you all day.

[Mariah Smith]

Same here.

[Nicole Byer]

Do you have anything you want to promote?

[Mariah Smith]

Just my little radio show with my sister Smith. Sisters live on radio Andy, SiriusXM, channel 102 daily at 6am Pacific, 9am Eastern.

[Nicole Byer]

Wild. It's so early. Mariah, would you date me?

[Mariah Smith]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Byer]

Thank you.

[Mariah Smith]

I mean, your assistant can do both of our returns at the same time.

[Nicole Byer]

She really could. And that's a good way to utilize Lindsay.

[Mariah Smith]

Wait.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, my God. I forgot to ask you about this. So you were. We are at the end. But you got to cover the Steve Harvey show when you were an assistant at. Or no, you were working at best week ever. Oh, yeah.

[Mariah Smith]

I had to watch it every day, and it made me want to jump.

[Nicole Byer]

Wait, you just had to watch?

[Mariah Smith]

Cause I was assistant at Best week ever. Or PA At Best week ever. And we had to find clips for the show.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh.

[Mariah Smith]

And so it was like every PA had their sort of beat. I was Steve Harvey and Kardashians and Steve Har. I truly had to watch Steve Harvey every day. The Lord brought. Just because it was that crazy that there was truly always something to be pulled for best. Sweet.

[Nicole Byer]

Was it just the Steve Harvey show, or was it also Family Feud?

[Mariah Smith]

Just the Steve Harvey show.

[Nicole Byer]

I. You know, I. I would personally love that job. I love Steve Harvey. I love Steve Harvey.

[Mariah Smith]

He's a fascinating figure.

[Nicole Byer]

Have you done Family Feud?

[Mariah Smith]

No, my sister has.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes. With Lapkas, Right?

[Mariah Smith]

Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

He does stand up, like, in between. Like, he gives the audience a show. He is a showman. A showman. A showman.

[Mariah Smith]

I don't know how to say that, because apparently I say it wrong.

[Nicole Byer]

A showman.

[Mariah Smith]

Because when I say the greatest showman, my. Everyone says showman, but it's not showman. No, that's stupid. Showman.

[Nicole Byer]

Showman. He's a showman.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And he's a workhorse.

[Mariah Smith]

He is a workhorse.

[Nicole Byer]

He works and works and work like he's got a radio show. The. The Steve Harvey Show. Family Feud. It's wild. And he's got all them great suits.

[Mariah Smith]

Just the dating advice. His dating pov, I can't get with.

[Nicole Byer]

It is a little archaic.

[Mariah Smith]

Yeah. But, like, I do think he is a very successful and smart guy. And funny, obviously.

[Nicole Byer]

So funny. So wonderful. Well, we've come to the end. Mariah, thank you so much for being here.

[Mariah Smith]

Thank you for having me.

[Nicole Byer]

If you like this episode of why won't you date me? You can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe give me 5 stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty, hitting on me to why won't you date me? Podcast, podcast, gmail.com. we are running low. I will read it, Nicole. Let's recreate Jurassic Park. But instead of dinosaurs, it's just a bunch of horny dudes in dino suits chasing us. We'd hide under a table until they'd find us. Then I'd watch you ride that T. Rex until he forgets about eating lawyers and starts eating.

[Mariah Smith]

Dot, dot, dot something else.

[Nicole Byer]

We'll call it Jurassic Pork. Jurassic park really got me insane. And I'll make sure we both go extinct one orgasm at a time. Thank you. That's it. Bye bye. You've been listening to why Won't yout Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kanefskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsey Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our thieve music is arranged by Mike Comate. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then.

[Mariah Smith]

Okay, bye bye. That was a Hitgun podcast.

[Ilana Hope Levinson]

Hi, I'm Ilana Hope Levinson.

[Dan O'Sullivan]

And I'm Dan o'.

[Nicole Byer]

Sullivan.

[Ilana Hope Levinson]

And this is the outfit, the new podcast from Higher and Head Gum.

[Dan O'Sullivan]

You know, we're two journalists who are slightly obsessed with the mob and organized crime and other nefarious stuff like that.

[Ilana Hope Levinson]

Every week we're going to bring you a story about a mobster. Some you've heard of, some you definitely haven't. But all of them are going to help explain why America is like this.

[Dan O'Sullivan]

See, the mob explains all sorts of things, from milk expiration dates to why we got into Cuba to Las Vegas gay bars.

[Nicole Byer]

Who knew?

[Dan O'Sullivan]

Who knew the mobs involved.

[Ilana Hope Levinson]

All that and more. Subscribe to the outfit wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday.

[Mariah Smith]

What's up, everybody?

[Dan O'Sullivan]

I'm Kyle Mooney.

[Ad Disclaimer Voice]

And what's up, everybody?

[Dan O'Sullivan]

I'm back behind and man. Ooh, I got. We got something to tell you.

[Ad Disclaimer Voice]

Oh, yeah, we definitely do.

[Dan O'Sullivan]

Yes. It's a brand new podcast on Head Gum.

[Ad Disclaimer Voice]

That's right. And it's called what's our Podcast?

[Dan O'Sullivan]

Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast should be about.

[Ad Disclaimer Voice]

Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about. And then we try it.

[Dan O'Sullivan]

Yep. Guests like Mark Maron Jack Black, Brittany Broski, Kate Berlant, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter.

[Ad Disclaimer Voice]

And Tim Bolt.

[Dan O'Sullivan]

Landon Axler, Joni McGree. And Dender.

[Ad Disclaimer Voice]

And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday, so subscribe to what's our podcast on YouTube or.

[Dan O'Sullivan]

Any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah, I'm going to go do it right now.