Proposing is So Weird! (w/ Mo Welch)

Summary

Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer

Episode: Proposing is So Weird! (w/ Mo Welch)
Release Date: February 21, 2025

---

Episode Overview

In this love- and laughter-filled episode, comedian and host Nicole Byer sits down with fellow comedian, cartoonist, and "Sweethearts" podcaster Mo Welch. The two explore the quirks of romance, including unconventional proposals, queer dating norms, what it means to carve out your own traditions, and musings on sex and relationships. Mo shares stories of her marriage, her path through the LA lesbian dating scene, and some wild escapades—including losing her (lesbian) virginity at a circus school. The conversation bounces between candid confessions, comedic takes on tradition, pop culture tangents, and genuinely insightful moments about relationships.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Awkwardness & Tradition of Proposals

(03:55–13:48)

• Mo recounts her mutually planned, double proposal with her wife while traveling through Paris and Barcelona. Both wanted to propose, so they decided on an order and locations.
  • Quote:
    “We kind of knew that we both wanted to ask each other separately. So we were like, okay, it’s gonna happen on the trip. I’ll go first and you go second.”
    • Mo Welch (08:23)
• Mo’s romantic plan to propose under Paris’ oldest tree is foiled by a locked park. She improvises with a willow tree by the river, but the actual act of kneeling feels weird.
  • Quote:
    “It felt so weird… I went down on a knee. Cause I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And it felt so wrong…like she’s my queen or something.”
    • Mo Welch (12:11)
• Nicole and Mo discuss how proposing on one knee derives from medieval knighthood and question its modern relevance—especially in queer couples.
  • Quote:
    “When you’re gay, you really can make up your own rules. And I don’t know why I didn’t make my own rule at that point.”
    • Mo Welch (13:03)

2. Reflections on Paris, Cultural Differences, and the Romance Myth

(09:02–10:34)

• Both riff about Paris’ reputation versus its reality (“dirty as hell”), and their experiences interacting with locals.
  • Quote:
    “But I was like, what a dirty city. It was dirty as hell.”
    • Nicole Byer (09:13)
• Nicole hilariously laments that her attempts at speaking French were never appreciated, contrasting with friendlier experiences in Mexico.

3. Reality TV, Representation, and Dating Show Hosts

(15:14–18:14)

• The discussion turns to “Love is Blind” and the lack of body diversity on reality dating shows.
  • Quote:
    "Fat people are not a part of the conversation, which I think is wild. Put some fatties in there. Put some real uggos in there. Let's really see if love is blind."
    • Nicole Byer (15:59)
• Both critique Nick and Vanessa Lachey as “Love is Blind” hosts for being self-referential and not insightful as facilitators.

4. How Mo Met Her Wife at a Lesbian Bowling Event (Les Bowl)

(20:14–31:16)

• Mo and her wife met at the punny-named “Les Bowl” event at Chateau Lanes—a “fairytale” she finds both endearing and embarrassing.
  • Quote:
    “We met at an event that was run by Joey Soloway…called Les Bowl. And that's where we met. And it is embarrassing… I never imagined that would be my fairy tale story.”
    • Mo Welch (24:36)
• The meet-cute involved Mo focused on bowling, her future wife making approaches while on a date with someone else, and a playful post-event message (“Do you want to get together and talk about what position I could play in the WNBA?”).
• Both bond over bowling failures and successes, reminiscing about pre-automated scoring days.

5. Family, Upbringing, and Smoking Tales

(21:09–23:59)

• Mo talks about her mom quitting smoking “cold turkey” for her 16th birthday—a testament to parental devotion.
  • Quote:
    “She quit for my birthday cold turkey and never smoked again.”
    • Mo Welch (22:05)
• Nicole shares her conscious decision to start (and briefly quit) smoking, adding comic anecdotes about cigarettes brands and cocaine etiquette.

6. Queer LA Dating Scene & Lesbian Basketball

(53:01–53:44)

• Mo describes the intertwined lesbian social circles in LA, particularly through sports leagues:
  • Quote:
    "Everybody dates each other… I was trying to put a team together this last season and another player was like, Mo, you need to ask me who you’re putting on the team first. Because you asked this person and they were dating this person. They can’t be on the same team.”
    • Mo Welch (52:35)
• Nicole recalls her ill-fated attempt at the lesbian basketball league ("I played for 36 seconds before I had an asthma attack").

7. Early Relationships & The Path to Gay Self-Awareness

(33:31–36:15)

• Mo candidly discusses her high school and college relationships with men—one a natural bodybuilder, one a powerlifter—before joking,
  • Quote:
    “I always thought it was so impressive…He could stand underneath the basketball hoop and jump up and slam dunk two hands…And I was like, that is cool. And I'm gay, I think.”
    • Mo Welch (34:46)

8. Wild Sexcapades & Queer Coming-of-Age Stories

(54:16–60:04)

• Mo shares losing her (lesbian) virginity at a circus school (“I was just dating a clown”), plus sex in odd places: bathrooms during comedy gigs (dressed as Larry Bird), car hookups, and her high school boyfriend’s family’s fireplace store.
• Discussion of public sex, inflatable mattresses (“you’ll feel your tailbone on the ground”), and the fun and pitfall of wild early-twenties escapades.

9. Queer Joy, Partnered Monogamy, and Growing Up

(57:33–59:08)

• Both reflect on how sexual thrill-seeking wanes with age, increased comfort, and the pursuit of a lasting partnership.
  • Quote:
    “When you get married…it’s just like, you really have, like, one place. It’s like, interior, bedroom. Your own bedroom.”
    • Mo Welch (57:50)
  • Nicole: "I was pretty wild for a minute, and then I was like, I just want a partner. I gotta stay inside." (57:55)

10. Running Jokes & Memorable Laughs

• The “honk honk” clown sex joke, Nicole’s fantasy of being noticed by Beyoncé, Roasts of Justin Timberlake’s acting (“I Googled midway through who let Justin Timberlake act? And there was no answer.” – Nicole, 39:40), and the pun-turned-slur potential of “Les Bowl.”

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Proposal Traditions:
  “I don’t think I need anyone to get on a knee…when you’re actually doing it, it’s weird. Everything inside of me was like, this is wrong.”
  – Mo Welch (13:25)
• On Dirty Romance:
  “Paris is filthy. But romantic.”
  – Nicole Byer (14:20–14:22)
• On Reality Dating Show Diversity:
  "Put some fatties in there. Put some real uggos in there. Let's really see if love is blind."
  – Nicole Byer (15:59)
• On Meeting Her Wife at Les Bowl:
  “I never imagined that would be my fairy tale story…we met at Les Bowl.”
  – Mo Welch (24:40)
• On Family Loyalty:
  “That is love, because my mom stayed with him the whole time.”
  – Mo Welch, on her dad’s stint in prison (45:14)
• On Honk-Honk Sex Acts:
  “I love getting my titties honked and hearing honk, honk. And I could just do it. He can honk ‘em and I’ll just be like, honk, honk.”
  – Nicole Byer (60:41)
• On LA Lesbian Interconnectedness:
  “Everybody dates each other…you need to ask me who you’re putting on the team first because you asked this person and they were dating this person. They can’t be on the same team.”
  – Mo Welch (52:35)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Proposals, doing it the queer way – 03:55–13:48
• Paris: The reality vs the movies – 09:02–10:34
• "Love is Blind" and reality TV riffs – 15:14–18:14
• Meeting at Les Bowl and bowling talk – 20:14–31:16
• Tales of smoking, quitting, and vices – 21:09–23:59
• High school/college dating and first loves – 33:31–36:15
• Queer LA dating scene and lesbian basketball leagues – 53:01–53:44
• Sexcapades & uncommon places – 54:16–60:04
• The ‘honk honk’ sex bit – 60:04–61:09

---

Tone & Language

The episode is candid, irreverent, and full of incisive, self-deprecating humor. Both Nicole and Mo employ a fast-paced, confessional style—witty, at times absurd, but always affectionate toward their subjects and themselves. Dialogue moves freely between personal narrative, cultural critique, and playful banter.

---

Summary

This episode is a joyful, intimate, and raucously funny journey through the bizarre rituals of love and courtship. Nicole and Mo break down outdated traditions, celebrate queer alternatives, and mine their own awkwardness for comedic gold. Whether reminiscing about botched Parisian proposals, reflecting on the pitfalls of LA lesbian dating, or recounting the time Mo lost her lesbian virginity to a clown in a circus school, they keep the focus on authenticity and agency in modern romance.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to script your own love stories—awkward traditions, weird puns, and all—this episode is for you.

Transcript

[A]

Love the podcast. You'll love seeing even more of it on video. Watch this full episode on YouTube. Just check the description for the link. Subscribe so you don't miss out. New video episodes drop every Friday.

[B]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[A]

If you've been thinking about upgrading your space, this is your sign baby. Macy's is having their big ticket sales event and it's the time to snag the cute comfy stuff you've been eyeing. And they have your whole home covered. We're Talking up to 60% off furniture, mattresses and rugs during their lowest prices of the season event. And that Radley five piece sectional it is just $2,179 right now and that's the kind of couch that you can have sleepovers on or fall asleep on while your date watches Lord of the rings for the 100th time. And you said not today Satan. I've been looking at new rugs too because listen, nothing pulls a room together like a rug that says yes, I'm grown but I still have what fun. Macy's has them for 55 to 65 off. They've also got outdoor furniture up to 60 off, white glove delivery and great financing options. This sale is only running until September 15th, so don't sleep on it or do on your brand new mattress, which by the way is also 20 to 60% off. Hello Honk Shoe Honk Shoe Honk Shoe shop. The big ticket sales now@macy's.com or in store. Your home deserves it. Quick time to choose a meal deal with McValue, the $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's.

[B]

Price and participation may vary.

[A]

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ooh baby. Welcome to another episode of why Won't yout Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single. Even though you could come, you could come on the table and then cut it, cut the dried cum up and say, that's a SIM card. My guest today is a comedian, cartoonist and co host. I don't even use a SIM card. I don't think anyone uses a SIM card.

[B]

I'm a little and co host of.

[A]

The podcast is Sweethearts. Her new comedy special dad Jokes is out now on Hulu.

[B]

Mo.

[A]

Well.

[B]

Name, right?

[A]

Welsh.

[B]

Welch. Welch. Well, hard ch.

[A]

So is it Welch Grapefruit?

[B]

By the time people get to. Well, it's like they understand. They know who it is. Yes. Yeah, it's Welch. Welch. Yeah. Welch's. We've been calling it Welshes.

[A]

This is humiliating.

[B]

Well, to the Welch family.

[A]

Oh, my God, how disrespectful of me.

[B]

Yeah. Jack Welch. Other famous people. No, but I used to lie about that when I was a kid. They'd be like, you own fruit snacks?

[A]

I'm like, that's a funny lie.

[B]

Yeah, it is a great lie.

[A]

My sister's old roommate, her last name was Ortega, so I would call her her first name, Ortega, heiress to the Ortega's fortune. And my sister was always like, why do you do that? I was like, because her last name's Ortega. And that's funny.

[B]

It's such an easy thing to lie about. Especially, it's like when they see my mom pulling up in her car, they know immediately I'm a compulsive liar. Oh, ye. Mm. No. No. You got a question? Yeah.

[A]

You're married, aren't you?

[B]

Yes, I am.

[A]

When did you get married?

[B]

Okay. It was either 2017 or 2018. I cannot remember.

[A]

It was 2017.

[B]

It was. Yes. Oh, my God.

[A]

And it was during the winter solstice.

[B]

Wow. Yes. Yes. I knew the date, but I always forget what year it was.

[A]

It's okay. All the years are running together. It's kind of wild.

[B]

Yeah. It was the first Trump administration. I remember that.

[A]

Isn't that funny that we get to say that now?

[B]

The first Trump administration, especially after having a break. Yeah. A little halftime.

[A]

Yeah. It's almost like graduating high school and then going to college for four years and going, I want to go back to high school.

[B]

It is. We're Josie Grossi.

[A]

We're Josie Grossi. Oh, man. But that movie does turn out well. She kisses Michael Vartan, her teacher, which is not truly okay in the grand scheme of things, but for the movie world, it's okay.

[B]

So that's at the end of this administration. We can all look forward to kissing Michael Bartan.

[A]

Martin, who? I don't even know if he works anymore. Mars, can you look up if Michael Bartan is working?

[B]

Yeah. He was in so many good rom coms.

[A]

Was he? I only know him from Never Been Kissed. That's all I can. I know he was on Alias, but I have never seen Aliens.

[B]

Same.

[A]

I'm not interested.

[B]

Yeah, me neither. I don't even know. So it's a spy.

[A]

It's Jennifer Gardner with her brown hair flipping around, and Michael Vartan is there.

[B]

And that other guy. His last credit was in 2018 for God Friended Me. You're right.

[A]

On CBS.

[B]

I love that you know that. We don't know any other movies he's been in. Yeah. CBS2.

[A]

It was on CBS.

[B]

CBS2.

[A]

Why do I know any of this?

[B]

CBS2.

[A]

Wait, CBS2?

[B]

What is that? I don't know. It's just CBS. And the 2 logo. Do you know what that is? It's like ESPN2. There was a CBS, probably local. The local affiliate of CBS. Okay.

[A]

On the East Coast. CBS's channel, too. I don't know what it is out here.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Never got into cable out here anyway. You got married in the winter solstice of 2017.

[B]

Yes, I did. Yeah. I got married. I did it, and we're still together. That's nice, even. Yeah. Even all these trying years, we're still together.

[A]

It has been. It's been a long time. And you met or. No, Your first date was at Mohawk Bend.

[B]

We. Our first official date was at Mohawk Bend. Yeah.

[A]

It doesn't exist anymore.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because here's the thing. She asked to meet at Jones in West Hollywood, which is an iconic car, and I don't think that's going anywhere. And so if I would have not ditched the first date.

[A]

Oh, you could have had an anniversary spot.

[B]

Yeah. Mm. Now we got to go to Pitfire Pizza, which is what's in Mohawk Bend.

[A]

Now, which is kind of a bummer, isn't it?

[B]

Yeah. But. Okay, can I. This is very controversial. Yes. I actually think that I would. I would eat a pizza from Pitfire and like it more than Mohawk Bend.

[A]

I liked Mohawk Bend's pizza.

[B]

I did, too.

[A]

But I really like Pitfire pizza, but I guess it's a bummer for me because it's a chain.

[B]

Yeah, it is.

[A]

And chain, chain, chain.

[B]

It's a chain for a reason, though. Yeah.

[A]

It's good. I feel crazy today. I don't know why, but I guess. Yeah, chains are good, but, like, they bum me out. Do you know what I mean?

[B]

Well, they're. Yeah. I mean, you go into a chain, and I hate, like, walking into a bad Panera chain because there are actually, believe it or not, some good Panera chains in the Midwest. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, my grandma and my mom go as if it's like a French cafe. Mm.

[A]

Really?

[B]

It's genuinely good, and it's run well.

[A]

That's really funny. Anyway, you got married during the winter solstice.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

How did you ask your wife to marry you?

[B]

So we were going on this big trip, and we kind of knew that we both wanted to ask each other separately. And so we knew it was gonna happen on the trip because she didn't really want, like, a big surprise, like, it's gonna happen. And so we were like, okay, it's gonna happen on the trip. I'll go first and you go second. And that's all we knew. And so when we were in proposing. Yeah.

[A]

Like, picked a proposal order.

[B]

We did.

[A]

Wait, that's really funny.

[B]

And you just said that like it.

[A]

Was a normal thing.

[B]

No, it's not normal. Yeah, I guess.

[A]

Or not normal is.

[B]

Yeah. Unusual. It is fun, though. Yeah, it was. Because she didn't want to be surprised. So I was like, okay. I just know it's going to happen after I do it. I know that she'll ask me at some point on this trip. And we were going to Paris and Barcelona. Ooh. And so I asked her in Paris, and then she asked me in Barcelona. Oh, that's nice. And it was. Yeah, it was. It was so fun.

[A]

Did you like Paris?

[B]

I. I mean, it was raining, and we were there for two days.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Paris is interesting. Yeah.

[A]

I found it to be a very romantic city. And it was, like, pretty to see, like, kind of like how New Orleans is kind of like, very, very. Pulls from, you know, French culture or whatever. But I was like, what a dirty city. It was dirty as hell.

[B]

It was. I don't remember. I don't even. I feel like I've been in so many dirty cities that I don't even remember it was dirty.

[A]

Yeah, dirty cities are just dirty in general. But I also got into a cab with a man who smelled so terribly that I simply was like, you don't smell yourself. You don't. You don't do it. You're not. How are you living? Cause all the windows are up. And I was like, nobody's sentencing you to live like this. Roll down a window, go get deodorant. And then nobody liked it when I spoke French to them. Except for the man at the hotel. He liked it, and he kept encouraging me, but everyone else was so mad at me.

[B]

I know, because, like, you think you have to know a few phrases, and you go over to a country, they're like, I know immediately. They know we're American.

[A]

Well, other countries, sometimes they're like, wow, you tried. That's fun. Like, everywhere I'VE gone to Mexico. They're like, good job, idiot. And I'm like, yay. They'll be like, hola, mi amonico. And they're like, nobody cares. What do you want to eat? Hamburg said con queso Porto. And they're like, good job. And in France, they were like, no, stop it.

[B]

Yeah, they want no part of it. You're right.

[A]

Yeah. It was very mean.

[B]

And I feel so self conscious saying anything in any other language. Why? Because I know it's bad. And I know they know I know they know I'm an idiot. Like, I know that they know.

[A]

Well, it's wild that we only speak English.

[B]

It is. It's. I mean, crazy. It's my parents fault. Like, that's on them.

[A]

No, it's the education system's fault.

[B]

And the education system's fault if we're similar ages.

[A]

George Bush's fault. No child left behind. Actually, I have no idea what that's about. None whatsoever. I just know that he was like, don't leave the children behind. I was like, some of them need to be like, the dumb ones. Leave them behind.

[B]

Yeah, I got a few siblings I could have left. Right? Yeah.

[A]

Left me behind. Honestly, I need a little bit. A little extra time. So how did she wait? Okay, so what did you do in Paris? Did you wait for, like, a very romantic moment?

[B]

So my plan was, I read somewhere that the. The oldest. There was like the oldest tree in Paris was in this park. And I thought, isn't that, like, cool and possibly symbolic? And I had a little. I can't remember what I had prepared, but I had a few things on my phone prepared to say. And then. So we're going on our walk. We had a few shots of tequila. Ooh. And we were walking. It's raining at this point. It's always raining in Paris. And we get to the park, and the park is closed.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

And that was my whole plan. I just wanted to get to this old tree and hope it doesn't fall on us. And I'd like.

[A]

And just be really romantic. Will you marry me? This tree's not gonna kill us.

[B]

Yeah. And then so, I mean, everywhere is romantic in Paris. So it's like you go a block. So we went like down by the river. And I was like, this seems nice. And it was like under a willow tree. And then I just, like, proposed to her. And it felt so weird. It felt like I just don't feel like I should be like. Cause I, like, went down on a knee. Cause I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And it felt so wrong to me. Like, I was like, why am I down here? Like, what? Like, it felt so. So I can't even. It's like she. I was like. Like, she's like my queen or something. I was like, this is odd. Like, feels wrong. It is.

[A]

I have never thought of it. It is weird to get on one knee.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Mm. Mm.

[A]

Mars, you gotta look up. Why?

[B]

Why are we doing this?

[A]

Why is that a tradition?

[B]

And also, like, when you're gay, you really can make up your own rules. And I don't know why I didn't make my own rule at that point. It does stem from medieval times as a practice of knights kneeling before their lords as a gesture of respect, loyalty and submission. Wow.

[A]

Oh, interesting. I know a lot of men who've gotten on a knee and were not respectful and didn't submit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's pretty interesting. I don't think I need anyone to get on a knee.

[B]

No, I mean, you see the photos, like, not these photos, but, like, of anyone getting proposed to it. I'm like, okay, but when you're actually doing it, it's weird. I'm telling you. It's just the weirdest thing. Everything inside of me was like, this is wrong. And it was just because I was down on a knee.

[A]

Well, it's strange because it's like you are getting on one knee because you have two knees, but you're only getting on one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then there's another person who's like, ah. Screaming at it. And then there's people walking past. You're like, what's. Oh, it's a propos. Like, it's just. It's a weird thing that we do.

[B]

It'. It's very weird. It is like, we were like, we'll probably come back in the morning. And there's like a dead rat with an imprint on it because she gotta say, what? Cause Paris is dirty.

[A]

Paris is filthy.

[B]

As we know.

[A]

But romantic.

[B]

Yeah, it was romantic, even though it felt wrong. And. Yeah. And then she proposed to me in Barcelona and she.

[A]

Where in Barcelona?

[B]

In an Airbnb. Ooh. But it was a really pretty one.

[A]

Oh, it is nice.

[B]

Yeah. And I don't remember anything we said. You. You prepare so much. Like, what am I gonna say? And then you go, what did I say? I don't know. I was just, like, thinking about how I was on a knee. You know how weird that was?

[A]

You said it was raining. Did your knee get wet?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ew.

[B]

Yeah, we were wet.

[A]

We were just walk around wet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But engaged.

[B]

But engaged.

[A]

So, yeah, people are envious of you. There was some woman somewhere that was like, I wish I was wet and engaged. I don't know if I would ever propose to somebody. I don't know if I want to get proposed too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I'm like, yeah, what do you say back? Like, should. If I get, if I know someone's going to propose to me, should I have something written that I then take out to read to them?

[B]

Right. Like it's the Bachelor.

[A]

I've never seen the Bachelor or the Bachelorette or the Golden Bachelor at the end.

[B]

They all have. Well, I guess. Okay. Love is blind. They both have. Do you watch Love is Blind?

[A]

I watch the, the second season.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Yeah. I do a weird thing where I'm, I'm not. I'm not getting on it. When everybody's excited, I'll get in, I'll watch one season and then I dip out.

[B]

I love that you're like, wait for them to get rid of those kinks too. They iron them out. And then you're like, I'm in season two. When the producers figured out what they were doing.

[A]

Yeah, they figured it out. Fat people are not a part of the conversation, which I think is wild. Put some fatties in there. Put some real uggos in there. Let's really see if love is blind. Yes.

[B]

I do agree.

[A]

Wouldn't that just be more entertaining?

[B]

It would be entertaining. I totally agree with that.

[A]

Because I think you could.

[B]

I think you put someone in there. I'll say it. Somebody. Young voice. 86. 86 year old with a young voice.

[A]

I thought you said young boys. And I was like, I don't think I can co. Sign that up.

[B]

You're like, actually delete, Delete.

[A]

Officer, she's here.

[B]

Rewind.

[A]

No, I agree.

[B]

Yeah, really? Old guy, young voice. Yes, yes.

[A]

Old ladies, young voices. Big titties, strange voices. I don't know.

[B]

Big titties.

[A]

And then I'll.

[B]

Let's get some voice actors in here. Imagine the hottest, the hottest woman you've ever seen with that voice. And then you realize that you didn't choose her and you fucked up.

[A]

Yeah, that would be more entertaining than what they have going on.

[B]

Yeah, I agree with that.

[A]

And I'll say it. Nick and Vanessa, not great hosts.

[B]

I just have a feeling that they go to a lot of couples therapy, but not in a good way.

[A]

And like a last ditch effort kind of way.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Well, they just never ask the questions. I want to know the answers to it.

[B]

Feels like they always just end up talking about their relationship.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I don't think anybody should be like if they break up, it's their career's over at this point.

[A]

Oh yeah. Well, no, look at Will just bounce back with another woman to do things.

[B]

With a different reality show.

[A]

You're right, because he went from Jessica Simpson to Vanessa. And then after Vanessa there'll probably be a Tiffany.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or a Marta.

[B]

Oh, Marta. I don't know.

[A]

Hopefully he'll date someone age appropriate. That seems like an age appropriate name.

[B]

Yeah, you're right. But the Love Love is Mine will be over somebody else. Another married couple will have to host it.

[A]

Who do you think? Maybe Justin Bieber and Hailey Bieber.

[B]

Yeah. Somebody stable. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Wait, how did you meet your wife?

[B]

We met.

[A]

We'll take a break first.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's a cliffhanger. If they meet, we'll never know. Quick time to choose a meal deal with McValue. The five dollar McChicken meal deal, the six dollar McDouble meal deal, or the new seven dollar Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's.

[B]

Price and participation may vary.

[A]

Audible's romance collection has something to satisfy every side of you when it comes to what kind of romance you're into. You don't have to choose just one fancy a dalliance with a Duke.

[B]

Or maybe a steamy billionaire. You could find a book boyfriend in.

[A]

The city and another one tearing it.

[B]

Up on the hockey field.

[A]

And if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm. Discover modern rom coms from authors like Lily Chu and Ali Hazelwood, the latest romantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and Rebecca Yarros, plus Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander. And of course, all the really steamy stuff.

[B]

Your first great love story is free.

[A]

When you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery that's.

[B]

Audible.Com wondery did you know that parents rank financial literacy as the number one most difficult life skill to teach? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app for families with greenlight. You can send money to kids quickly, set up chores automate allowance, and keep an eye on your kids spending with real time notifications, kids learn to earn, save and spend wisely. And parents can rest easy knowing their kids are learning about money with guardrails in place. Try Greenlight Risk free [e-mail] wondery and we're back.

[A]

Okay. How did you meet your wife?

[B]

We met at a bowling alley, Chateau Lanes. Have you ever been there?

[A]

Yes, I have been there 5 times in the last 13 months. Weird stats. Wow.

[B]

It's a classic bowling alley. Is it your favorite in la?

[A]

Yes, I do. Like, I mean, I've only been to three in la.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So Highland Park Bowl.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They're hard to get on the phone.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The Roosevelt has, like, a little party room where they have, like two lanes. It's really cute.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then Chateau is great. They got a good hot dog.

[B]

Yes. That seems like a place where they. When smoking was banned from indoor places, they, like, took a hit.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

And they probably let people smoke still after that band took. Probably. Yeah.

[A]

I love smoking inside. Not my home or anything, because I think that's gross. And we watched Sex in the City. Carrie Bradshaw chain smokes in her house. And I think that's sick. But, like, out and about. Oh, my God. Give me a little sicky it.

[B]

When I was younger, my parents smoked in the house until I banned my mom from doing it. And it's funny that that was such an arg. Like, I really had to argue with her to not smoke inside.

[A]

What was her counter?

[B]

I don't. I once. I actually kept doing. She eventually just was like, on the porch. But I don't think she ever had an excuse. I mean, in Chicago, it's cold, but it is cold.

[A]

But I feel like if your child is like, please stop my lungs.

[B]

Well, that's why she quit smoking. She quit smoking for my 16th birthday.

[A]

Oh, that's nice.

[B]

Because I was bullying her so much. I was like, oh, you think I can go play basketball when you're just smoking? I have all this secondhand smoke. Like, you're going to slow me down. And my hair would smell like smoke. And I just had all this smoke on me. And so eventually she. She quit for my birthday cold turkey and never smoked again.

[A]

That's wild.

[B]

Yeah. After smoking for 25 years. Whoa.

[A]

Yeah, that does she. Well, I should talk to her. No, I don't want to quit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I quit for one year. Cause I read this book by Alan Carr, and I got to the last chapter and I was like, I think I want to quit. So I stopped reading it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then when I wanted to quit again, I reread it and I finished it and I quit for a full year. And when I started again, I made a conscious choice. I was like, I'm a start smoking. I'm going to get addicted right back to this. And then I did that.

[B]

You just. You read the book backwards.

[A]

And you read it backwards. Secrets are yummy.

[B]

What is your brand?

[A]

Oh, it's humiliating. Marlboro Menthols, they do not sell them in California.

[B]

Is that green or blue? What? Is that green?

[A]

Yeah, it is green, but it's fully green. Not with the white and not with the gold.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Because there's a difference.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then when I leave the state, that's when I.

[B]

That's when I get them. That's when you get them. Yeah. We used to do parliaments in, like, high school.

[A]

Parliaments are the best because you can do coke with them. We've got that recessed filter, so it's a perfect bump.

[B]

Oh, we're really missing out in Chicago. No one ever. No. I didn't even know anyone did cocaine until I moved to la.

[A]

Everyone loves cocaine. That's why girls go to the bathroom together.

[B]

Yeah, I've learned that. I learned that. I always thought people were like. I was like, jesus, why are they doing, like a threesome in the middle of a party and they're taking up the bathroom this whole time? And then I realized in the bathroom.

[A]

Yeah, well, actually there's a door.

[B]

So you don't have to share. Right? That's the only reason.

[A]

If you put it out on the coffee table, then other people. If you put coke on a coffee table, it's like flies to honey.

[B]

Is that the phrase Flies Love honey.

[A]

What's the phrase? Who loves honey?

[B]

Flies to a flies. Fly strip. Remember this? Flies. You can catch more flies of honey than with vinegar, no?

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Coke on the table's honey. Wait, how did you meet your wife?

[B]

Oh, right. Okay. So we met a place that probably had a lot of people doing cocaine at it. We met at Chateau Lane's. We met at an event, though. We met at an event that was run by Joey Soloway, who created Transparent, and it is called Les bowl. And that's where we met. And it is embarrassing.

[A]

Why is that embarrassing?

[B]

Because it's just. I just never imagined that would be my fairy tale story that we met at lesbo. You met at lesbo?

[A]

Yeah, but it's. You met an event that has a pun for a name, right?

[B]

Which is, number one, wrong. I feel like. I feel like that's immediately. Like, this is unserious.

[A]

I mean, yes, it is funny, though.

[B]

It's funny.

[A]

At Les Bowl, I'll assume it was lesbians bowling.

[B]

That's Right.

[A]

Look at me scooping up context clues.

[B]

So what.

[A]

Who spoke to who first? Did you see your wife? And you're like, oh, yum, yum, yum.

[B]

I was dating around at that moment. You were in the streets. I was on the streets, and I couldn't be tamed and had no interest in really meeting anyone at this Les Bowl. I was just going with friends, and I was kind of focused on the game because I was bowling with a few people and I wanted to beat them because that's always my focus when I'm bowling, even though I make it seem like I am, you know, just being chill and talking with everybody. I do want to win, and I do get upset if I don't.

[A]

That's funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That you care so much. I care.

[B]

I do. I care.

[A]

I'm so bad at bowling. If I cared, it would. It would harm my mental health. Like, I'm just really bad at it.

[B]

So you're. When you're bowling, you're not competitive at all. Are you competitive with yourself? Like, I hope I get some.

[A]

No. I spent a lot of time being like, I threw that straight. Something's going on. That's not me. I did good. And I don't know why it's not knocking. Like, last time I went bowling, I kept rolling it down the middle, and it would hit the middle, and then it would leave, like, two on the side or like, two over here. And I would turn around and go, they should have all fell down.

[B]

And you're right.

[A]

And that's. That's how I bow.

[B]

I hate when there's two. One on each side. They're like, oh, you just have to hit it on the right. Hit the pin all the way on the right so it flies over to the other side. And you're like, how about. I think you should get. I think it should be like a field goal, and you should be able to just put it right down the middle. And then you get three extra pins to your score. Three. I don't know anything about bowling.

[A]

It's okay. One pin is one point.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then if you get a strike that's more than 10 or something.

[B]

I'm so happy those are automated now, because it is impossible.

[A]

I wouldn't know how to figure out a bowling score.

[B]

There was always one person when we go bowling. We used to always go bowling in high school, and you'd have to get the one friend that could pay attention enough to do all the math and to not get wasted and figure out our scores.

[A]

I feel like it's always been.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

There was a place you just put your name in. What, you're writing it down?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What?

[B]

No. When I was a kid, Circle Lanes, that's where we went there. It was not automated.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I wonder if it was on. My mother was a bowler and she used to go to Brunswick Lanes in Eatontown, New Jersey. If you know about it, let me know if it's still open. But I feel like all of it was automated. There was also a kid's room where all the toys were covered in like filth. And I remember being a child being like, I'd rather sit in the smoke than be in here with these nasty toys and these nasty children. Ugh.

[B]

I love a kid's room. Just like the children of bowlers. Like, what are we doing here? Yeah, the children of bowlers, they just.

[A]

Sat in this room. I don't think there was an adult there either. Like, I think they. We were just put in the room and told to like, not come out.

[B]

That place did not have automated scorekeeping, I think.

[A]

I feel like they did. And then my sister was always like, we were told to stay in here. And I'd be like, well, bitch, you stay in here. I know where a door handle is and I'm getting out.

[B]

And I would always escape. You should. Oh my God.

[A]

Okay, so you're at Chateau Lane's.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And you see your wife.

[B]

Okay, so she sees me. I'm bowling. I'm doing really good at bowling. I did beat everybody that night and I felt good about myself. And she came up to me and said, hey, I think I've played basketball with you in that basketball league. And I was like, oh, really? That's how we sparked to the conversation and we started to talk. But she was on a date with another woman.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Go after what you want. Yeah.

[B]

And so she would wait. She waited till she went to the bathroom or the kids room. Who knows at this point? Now I'm questioning myself.

[A]

She was like, I gotta touch some toys. Yeah.

[B]

And so she'd wait for her and then she would come in and talk to me. And then after that, that woman was like, hey, do you have a thing for Mo? And she said no. But she was messaged me after on Facebook.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

And said, do you like, hey, do you wanna get together and talk about what position I could play in the wnba? So call back to the conversation. Uh huh. And I still at this point was like, this is not a real. I think she's networking because she had just moved from New York, and I thought she wanted to, like, you know, get in on the UCB deets. Like, how do we get a show? How am I gonna get on this improv shows? Thinking I'm a gatekeeper. And so that's why I blew her off the first time at Jones. And then. And then we met. Yeah. For our first date at Mohawk Bend.

[A]

And had she broken up with the other lady, or was she in these streets with multiple people?

[B]

She was in the streets. And then. Well, I think they were, like, kind of. They weren't, like, exclusive.

[A]

They weren't, like, official.

[B]

Yeah. But had gone on the date with her. Like, went to Les bowl with another woman. So that was. That's on her. I, of course, would never do that.

[A]

Well, no. You know what I mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Also, every time you say lesbo, I'm like, I know it's a pun, but it also seems like a slur.

[B]

You're right.

[A]

Like, it just. If you say it aggressively enough, it's like, oh, God, why'd you say it like that?

[B]

Jesus Christ. Lesbo gets shoved in a locker.

[A]

Wait, have you been to Jones yet, though?

[B]

I love Jones. Yes, I've been there.

[A]

It reminds me of Entourage. Like, currently, everybody looks like an extra from Entourage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I love it.

[B]

Actually. I said I love Jones. I don't know if I. It actually is a little loud in there.

[A]

It's so loud. It's so. And it's very crowded at all times.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But they have the best apple pie I've ever had my whole dang life.

[B]

Okay, I have to try the apple pie. Cause I've only gotten the pizza so good.

[A]

And I didn't like Joan's for the longest time. Cause I went on a date there, and it was. It was a. It was not a great date. And I was like, I'll never come back here again. And then I went back, and I was like, wait a minute. I put something false on this place. Yeah, this place is great.

[B]

Doesn't deserve it.

[A]

It was the date that was not great.

[B]

When you go back to. Oh, yeah. Cause I have to bring this up. Okay, so when you go back to Jones, do you still see where you sat on that date and think about it a little?

[A]

No idea where we sat.

[B]

Okay, good.

[A]

None whatsoever.

[B]

But I was on a flight last night. And every single time I fly Delta, I think about your story about the blanket.

[A]

Don't open those blankets.

[B]

Every single time.

[A]

They're disgusting.

[B]

But that is what's so funny about being a standup is if you really get a joke into somebody's head, you will remember that comic for the rest of your life.

[A]

I'm happy to be in your head.

[B]

Yes. Every time.

[A]

But truly don't. The blankets are disgusting. They don't wash them.

[B]

Was it one of the little blankets or the big ones?

[A]

It was a little one. Cause it was from, I think Atlanta to maybe back to la. I don't remember, but it was. It was like the little ones in the bag. It wasn't like the Delta ones.

[B]

Yeah. So when you open that. But. So even if I'm cold on a plane, so even if I open it, I always am waiting for something to drop because of your joke. And I feel that way about dates, too. Like where you really could get a place ruined because of a bad date. And they, you know, that place doesn't deserve that, but it happens.

[A]

How do you feel about having a place with somebody and then you break up? But it was like a place you went to a bunch. Would you ever go back to it or would you just be like, it's retired?

[B]

It depends on how long I was with that person. Like, if my wife divorced me there, obviously I could never go back to Chateau Lanes. Mohawk Bend is not a problem. Because it doesn't anymore. Anymore. You can go back.

[A]

You can go to Pitfire Pizza for.

[B]

The first time, right? Yeah. Wait, Mo.

[A]

Tell me about your dating history. Did you date in high school?

[B]

I did. I had a boyfriend all throughout high school. I had a high school boyfriend four years.

[A]

So you met freshman year and then.

[B]

Well, no, we started to date junior year and then we went after high school as well. Oh, yeah. So he was on the basketball team and we. Yeah, we dated for four years and then broke up in college. And then I had a college boyfriend for two years.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And he was like. They were both. I mean, the first guy was a natural bodybuilder.

[A]

What's a natural bodybuilder?

[B]

They don't use any. Like, they test to make sure that you don't use steroids or anything.

[A]

Oh, well, what's the fun in that?

[B]

I know. I agree. That's why we broke up.

[A]

You're like, I need to get big. Yeah, get swole.

[B]

I was like, I need somebody with roids. So then I date this other guy and he's like a power lifter and rugby player. And was he huge? I actually don't know if he was, but he was. He was big. He was like. I always thought it was so impressive. Is probably the reason I dated him because he could stand underneath the basketball hoop and jump up and slam dunk two hands just from standing there stationing. Wow.

[A]

Very big boy.

[B]

Yeah. And I was like, that is cool. And I'm gay. I think.

[A]

I don't like, I don't like you as a person, but I like this.

[B]

Cool trick you give me. I don't like when we touch, but I love when you dunk.

[A]

God, that's really funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, stop kissing me. How about you dunk that ball again?

[B]

I was like, that's hot. Whatever that is. I was always trying to get him to be on like my rec team in college too. And he was like, I. He didn't really like basketball as much as I did and but like our co ed teams, I was like, can you please be honor.

[A]

You want to man him?

[B]

Yes. Can you please put on a ponytail? Oh, yeah. Joanna. Man. Doesn't hold up.

[A]

Surely, surely, surely doesn't. Neither does big mama's house.

[B]

Big mama's house. Yeah.

[A]

I thought that movie was so funny and I couldn't rent it anywhere so I Bought it for 24.99. Does not hold up.

[B]

I love it. It was not worth it.

[A]

Really.

[B]

I loved it. I also, well, I loved Martin Lawrence and I love Joanna Mann. I remember crying, laughing, I don't care that it doesn't hold up now. Back then I was crying, laughing with my siblings. Like this is because he was like running down the court trying to grab the players asses. And I thought it was the funnies, funniest thing I've ever seen.

[A]

I mean, here's the thing. Sometimes I'll watch a movie where I'm like, I know this didn't age well, but I'm still laughing really hard.

[B]

Yeah. Oh my God, listen, that's happening in the WNBA. Anyway, okay, everyone asks everyone dating. Yeah, I'm sure people play each other. They're dating like they're dating. They play each other's team. You're not going to grab a. You're not going to like, good job on the rebound. You know, I'm going to box out my girlfriend pretty hard if I'm playing basketball with her.

[A]

I mean, that's kind of funny just being.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Box out.

[B]

Dip, dip. Like that was a hard foul. Let's talk about it later, babe.

[A]

Write the TV show. Write the TV show about soap opera about love. In the WNBA it would be.

[B]

I mean, so many. I feel like people have tried to pitch that so many times and now is maybe the time.

[A]

I think you should. I think it'd be very fun. I've been to, I think, three WNBA games and I really want to see the Liberty. I gotta see Ellie the Elephant.

[B]

Ellie the elephant is. Who's under there? I don't know who is under.

[A]

I don't know. Someone who can dance.

[B]

This is like my Banksy is Ellie the elephant. Like, who is Ellie?

[A]

I don't know who's Ellie? Hopefully we'll come out with a. A documentary about it. There are so many documentaries about.

[B]

Let's make a documentary about that.

[A]

Let's do it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's already a documentary about Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni's whole misfortune, and it's not even resolved. I was like, so this documentary has not ended.

[B]

They almost upload that. Is it like a 2020 sort of situation? Yeah.

[A]

It's so strange to me. Oh, my God. Mo, I have to tell you, I watched a movie last night called In Time. Have you seen it?

[B]

Is that a romantic comedy?

[A]

No, it's a Sci fi with Justin Timberlake. Wait, I didn't know we let him act. I hadn't. And then I mentioned this to someone today, and they're like, he had like a whole career. And I was like. Of several movies. Oh, yes. And they're like the Social Network. And I was like, haven't seen that. And then they named something else and I was like, what?

[B]

Yeah, he had that one where he was like a bad guy.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I forget what it was called.

[A]

I missed it. And I.

[B]

But I don't know this one. In Time.

[A]

Okay? The whole premise is time is money.

[B]

Okay? Immediately I'm in. Immediately I'm in.

[A]

Literally. And his. And then you stop aging at 25.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Random thing they throw in there, right? Justin Timberlake's mother is Olivia Wilde. He comes down the stairs and he's like, hi, Mom. I don't think I've laughed harder. It was so weird. Cillian Murphy's in it with a coat and he's running in, like, every scene.

[B]

I can't believe this is a movie.

[A]

Alex Pettyfer, Remember him from Magic Mike? Poised for stardom, but acted bad on set, so he got blacklisted. Why do I know this? He's in the movie. And I was like, God, his English accent is terrible. Hit Wikipedia. He's English.

[B]

And I was like, wow, what?

[A]

Blew me away. I was like, how do you talk bad? That's your native tongue. Anyway, we should talk more about relationships.

[B]

No, I love. I got. I want to know more about Olivia Wilde's relationship to her Son. Justin Timberlake.

[A]

Are you going to watch it?

[B]

No.

[A]

I think you should.

[B]

Do you think it. Were you like, that's pretty good, or was it like that? No. Okay. No.

[A]

I Googled midway through who let Justin Timberlake act? And there was no answer.

[B]

Is that his last movie?

[A]

No. Oh, he's been in several more since. And then I asked, is Justin Timberlake a good actor? And then Google was like, he's a capable actor. And I was like, google's throwing shade.

[B]

Yeah. I said, good.

[A]

Like what you say, yes or no?

[B]

Google capable.

[A]

I thought capable. That's a read.

[B]

Yeah, but he.

[A]

It's some of. It's some of the toughest acting I've ever seen in my whole life.

[B]

But.

[A]

I recommend the movie.

[B]

Would you see him live?

[A]

For what?

[B]

I don't know. Remember when did you see the memes or the videos? When he was like, the tour.

[A]

What tour? The world tour. Imagine saying that after being arrested for a dui, I would just be quiet.

[B]

Yeah, let's cancel it immediately.

[A]

Yeah. I'd be like, well, this isn't gonna end. Like, what do you think the cop is gonna be like? Oh, my God, please drive home so you can go on your world tour. Like, what?

[B]

And he's in that, like, Peter Pan hoist being hoisted up with his, like, little. His little thing. Oh, you gotta show you. I'll show you after the show.

[A]

I've never seen that.

[B]

Yeah, I.

[A]

So I was never an NSync person. I was a Backstreet Boy girl. So I never really understood the, like, the allure of Justin Timberlake. I find him upsetting to look at.

[B]

Right.

[A]

His voice. He talks. He has such a strange voice.

[B]

He's very Disney.

[A]

Maybe that's what it is.

[B]

Yeah. Who is your. Who is your man on? Or who is your boy?

[A]

And the Backstreet Boys, I like them all. Even Howie.

[B]

Howie was my man.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah, he was.

[A]

Howie seems nice.

[B]

Yeah. I thought he was most attainable, so I thought I always went for the attainable ones.

[A]

That's very funny.

[B]

Whereas, like, genuinely, I think if they really got to know me, we could have a thing.

[A]

Did you ever go to concerts and be like, they're going to see me?

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

They're going to, like, pull me on stage. I'm going to have a new life.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

I still think that as an adult.

[B]

I think those are all the people that move to la. Like, genuinely, I'm going to be pulled up on stage.

[A]

Going to be pulled up on stage. When I went and saw Beyonce I was like, she's gonna see me and she's gonna go, she looks familiar. And then they're gonna look at the footage and then she's gonna show Rumi and Sir and they're gonna be like, we love. Nailed it. And then Beyonce's gonna come find me, take me away from this place.

[B]

That one makes more sense, though, for us to be like, no, it doesn't.

[A]

She's rewinding footage to find me for her.

[B]

Okay, okay. Yeah, you're right. They're rewinding. I was thinking more like a live feed.

[A]

Not if it's real or belief.

[B]

She's watching game tape of all of her concerts.

[A]

Yeah. When she get together for her Netflix thing, Ruby and sir are like, nailed it.

[B]

Just like, hold on. Get Nicole Byers people on the floor.

[A]

We need Nicole Byer to entertain Rumi and Sir. That's what I think. Every time I go to a Beyonce concert and I'm going to Cowboy Carter. It wasn't even my favorite album.

[B]

I don't care.

[A]

I love Beyonce. I love her.

[B]

I really feel like you could be pulled up on stage.

[A]

Please don't feed that.

[B]

It's a delusion. Okay, let's say we're talking about attainability. You go to like a Backstreet Boys concert, you could be pulled up.

[A]

I think Kevin. Kevin Richardson is. I feel he's what I. He's who I liked growing up and he's who I like now. Still.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Quick time to choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink, and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's.

[B]

Price and participation may vary. If you're shopping while working, eating, or even listening to this podcast, then you know and love the thrill of a deal. But are you getting the deal and cash back? Rakuten shoppers? Do they get the brands they love? Savings and cash back. And you can get it too. Start getting cash back at your favorite stores like Target, Sephora, and even Expedia. Stack sales on top of cash back and feel what it's like to know you're maximizing the savings. It's easy to use and you get your cash back sent to you through PayPal or Chex. The idea is simple. Stores pay Rakuten for sending them shoppers, and Rakuten shares the money with you as cash back. Download the free Rakuten app or go to rakuten.com to start saving today. It's the most rewarding way to shop. That's R a K u t e n rakuten.com.

[A]

What were we talking about? Oh, attainability.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Speaking of attainability, your dad used to steal TVs.

[B]

Thank you. Yes. Yes. And, yeah, he thought those were attainable, and guess what?

[A]

They were.

[B]

That made him go to prison. So wait, did he go to prison.

[A]

Prison or was he just in jail?

[B]

Yeah, no, he went to prison.

[A]

Oh, dang. I'm sorry.

[B]

Oh, for how long? I was a baby, so it was. Yeah, for. I think it was, like, a few years. But he had a few stims. Yeah, on and off. And that is love, because my mom stayed with him the whole time.

[A]

Oh, my God. That is devotion.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I think it's wild that, like, stealing evolves. Like, if you steal a TV. TV's only 200 now.

[B]

I know. You're so right. It was like stealing a car back.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And they were heavy. I mean, he could have broken his back.

[A]

Yes. He could have hurt himself.

[B]

Yeah. It was him and his brother. He had somebody, but.

[A]

Oh, I love that.

[B]

I know. Siblings.

[A]

I love when siblings get along.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's sweet.

[B]

It was sweet. Yeah. Him and Paul just out there stealing those big. Cause those TVs you had to get a movie. Yes. Yeah.

[A]

Huge.

[B]

And. Yeah. But my mom, so my mom, the first time, the first kid she ever had. My dad was in prison when she had the baby.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah. And so she would. Yeah, she would go visit him and all that. And I'm always so surprised by the people that stay with people in prison. I would immediately. I mean, it's so fast. I would cheat. There's no way I could be devoted to somebody ever. Would you tell them like that?

[A]

That you cheated?

[B]

Why? They're not going to find out.

[A]

They could if they get out of jail and they move back to your hometown and everybody in your hometown knows that you were cheating.

[B]

I mean, I guess I thought I was thinking more of prison. Like, it's going to be like, 20 years. Oh, yeah. If it's a little bit of jail time, I could work with that.

[A]

20 years. I don't think I would cheat. I think I would tell them. I think I'd be like, Hey, 20 years is a really long time. I love you. I'd love to stay together. I'd love to see you grow and thrive on visitation days. But, like, I need physical release from somebody. So, like, we're Gonna have an open relationship.

[B]

Open relationship in prison. Yeah. That's what I think. You just like, go to visitation and be like, so we're in a polycule now. You don't know the other people.

[A]

Yeah. You don't know them. I'll bring them if you want. And you can meet them one by one. Or can you have like a group session?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Have a group session. Group conjugal visit.

[A]

Conjugal visits are interesting.

[B]

I was technically. I mean, they called it that, but it was actually. My dad was on work release. Like, he did have to go back, but he was on work release. And I'm like, that's not as. Like I was imagining, like, oh, they were in like some cell that, like they put walls up on or something for privacy. But it was. Was just work release.

[A]

Wait. Work release is wild. So you're in jail and then you leave jail to go to work, I guess, and then come back to jail.

[B]

I should ask my mom. I don't know how it works, but this is the story of how I was born, allegedly. I don't believe anybody.

[A]

Go back to jail.

[B]

Oh, of course. I would just. Yeah. Leave town, I think, especially back then. I feel like you could have been like, I'm going, like, I'm moving to Indiana and nobody would care.

[A]

Yeah, that's exactly what I would do. I. I just. Jail's not for me and I don't see it for me. And I think I would escape just like when I watch Traders, I was like, I would win.

[B]

Traitors.

[A]

Whenever I watch things, I'm like, I could do that.

[B]

Do you think you could do Survivor? Yeah. I know I can't.

[A]

I can.

[B]

I could not do the surviving part of it. I could maybe do the manipulation.

[A]

I think I could do the manipulation. I think I could do the whole, like, not eating and sleeping on the ground. I think I would, like, cuddle up to a lot of people and people would find me endearing and they would take care of me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think I would, like, do badly in challenges, but, like, then do just good enough to, like, really help them win. To be like, yeah, she's not. She's not strong enough that I wanna vote her out because she's not a threat to me.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And that is a threat.

[B]

And that's exactly where you wanna be in survival. Although I feel like you don't even have to be good at all challenges anymore. No, you just have to be good.

[A]

At, like, playing the game, which is just lying to people.

[B]

Yeah. And that's why Traitors was created. They're like, what if we take this other stuff out?

[A]

It's great. The first episode, it's like, I think you're a traitor. Based on what? Yeah, we just met. I don't know anything about you, but I think you're. I see it in your eyes. It's wild.

[B]

It is. They're like, I felt. I felt somebody say this when he went by. And, like, I think that that's why they're the traitor. Like, when he goes by at the beginning, you're like, what?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What.

[A]

What does that even mean? And you gotta catch up because Tom Sandoval, I don't know him. Cause I'm not. I don't watch the Bravo stuff, but they cut away to him for reaction shots. And he always never knows what's happening. And it's delightful. Like, his. His brow is furrowed and he's, like, looking around and he just. And somebody's just saying hello to him. Like, he doesn't know anything that's going on. It's wild. And I love it.

[B]

He was in that, like, Special ops or whatever that I don't. Special Forces. Some reality show where they. Special Forces, it's where they trained to be military people. And they did a bunch of challenges. Jojo Siwa was in it as well. I watched maybe six episodes. And I'm like, they really just hop from reality show to reality show.

[A]

Wait, Mo, we've barely talked about dating. And I will say, my fault. Were you ever on dating apps or were you just lucky?

[B]

I did OkCupid once.

[A]

Oh, did you go on any dates from OkCupid?

[B]

I did. So when I came to LA, I kind of dated a lesbian that was like. I was like, oh, she's hot. She's an artist. And then turns out, like, a lot of people have dated her. And so it was just, like, a really harsh way to be thrown into the LA dating scene. And then all I remember about OkCupid was one girl was like. I was like, oh, she's really cute. And then apparently she didn't want. So everybody knows everybody. That's the problem, even with online dating, especially back then. But it was like she had told another lesbian, like, oh, yeah, Mo wanted to go out on a date with me, but she's way too tall for me.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

And I was. Yeah, I was just pretty rude. It was rude.

[A]

How tall are you?

[B]

5 10.

[A]

That's not too tall. That's like Cindy Crawford.

[B]

Yeah. But I was like, I feel like height doesn't matter in In. In the lesbian world as much what Brittney Griner in no Problem.

[A]

She's very tall. Is she dating a very tall lady? No, a very tiny lady. Have you seen Denzel Washington's daughters wife?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

She's so big.

[B]

She's. She's. I, I don't think she's that tall though. I think she's wearing heels. I think she's like 5, 10.

[A]

I mean, that is kind of tall. You don't think.

[B]

I mean, it is, but I just thought it was such a funny thing to tell another person. I'm like, okay, there's no privacy on these sides. Like you're telling another person I'm too tall.

[A]

It is funny that she decided to tell another person that you were too tall today.

[B]

I'm like, I'm trying to start my comedy career out here and you're. I have these rumors swirling that I'm.

[A]

Too tall, that I'm too tall. And I'm stomping around just tall.

[B]

I'm just trying to find love.

[A]

Is it still very. You said the, the LA dating scene for lesbians is small. Is it still small? I actually don't know. You're not in it.

[B]

I think it is still like, I'm still a part of like all of these basketball leagues and, you know, everybody dates each other. They know. Like I was trying to put a team together this last season and another player was like, mo, you need to ask me who you're putting on the team first. Because you asked this person and they were dating this person. They can't be on the same team. So, you know, I do think it's really intertwined, but that's like, specifically with like sports and lesbians in la.

[A]

That's genuinely very funny. I think I played basketball on that league.

[B]

Oh my God. I feel like I remember this.

[A]

We were the Traveling Pants. I played for 36 seconds before I had like an asthma attack and coughed for 20 days straight. And Eugene Cordero was the coach. And he was like, are you okay? And I was like, I don't think so. I think I gotta go. Cause I hadn't ran in years. You run.

[B]

It's a. It, it is a lot. It's a lot.

[A]

It's so much running.

[B]

Yeah, it's a lot of running. And. But there was a lot. There was a lot of scissoring going on. There was just. There was a lot. There was a lot going on in those locker rooms. There were no locker rooms.

[A]

Yeah, I was like, it was a rec center, I think.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't see a single locker room. Although I will say hot fantasy, but, like, in practicality, disgusting. Where are you going? To scissor on the floor. The floor is dirty.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I. I've definitely had sex on a floor. First time having sex with somebody in a public place? Well, the door. It was after hours, but it was at a. Yeah, it was at a circus school.

[A]

Excuse me?

[B]

That's how I lost my. My lesbian virginity, I guess I'll call.

[A]

It at a circus school.

[B]

My real virginity.

[A]

My real virginity, yeah. So you fuck somebody in a circus school?

[B]

Yeah. After hours.

[A]

What does after hours mean? Like in a bar or like.

[B]

No, no. Like, the school was shut down. I mean, it's an adult school, but it was like. It was the circus performance space, and she was an instructor and a performer. And I think that we went there to do that for some reason. I don't know why we were there that late, but I remember being like, I. You know when you're, like, in the moment and you feel like you're in your own movie, and I'm like, I can't believe that this is how I'm doing it. This is how it's happening.

[A]

How long were you in circus school?

[B]

I wasn't in circus school. I was just dating a clown. Have you ever. Have you ever had sex with somebody for the first time and it was on the floor?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Highly recommend it.

[A]

Yes. I hooked up with this man who I think lived in a model apartment. And the weirdest story. And we started on his bed, but the bed didn't feel like a real bed for you to sleep in because it felt like a model apartment. He was like, let's get on the floor. And I was like, all right. And that was one of those moments that I was like, I can't believe this is happening at all.

[B]

The idea that, like, the floor is going to be a better place to have sex than the bed that's next to you is great.

[A]

Well, the bed was, like, really creaking. Like, with every movement. I was like. It was, like, not okay, because I don't think it was meant to be slept in. And there was a dry erase board in his kitchen.

[B]

Oh, my God. What about an inflatable bed?

[A]

I've never had sex on an inflatable bed. But my roommate, when I was in New York, you had to walk through my room to get to her room. It's not a railroad. We just turned, like, this weird dining room into my room, but she was fucking somebody on an inflatable bed, and it had a hole in it. So all you heard was, like, with, like, sex noises and, like, movement on this mattress. It was awful.

[B]

Just, like, white noise.

[A]

Yes. And I'm trying to go to sleep. And I was like, this sucks.

[B]

Oh, this.

[A]

This is bad. It was awful.

[B]

It's so terrible. Because if you do On. If you have to on an inflatable mattress, at some point you will feel like your tailbone on the ground. And you're like, wow, okay. Yeah, we did some work tonight.

[A]

It's not good, Mo.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

We should have talked more about dating, because we're done. We're done. Wait, where other. Where else have you fucked.

[B]

Those who were very excited? Oh, like, you know, a bathroom of a comedy venue while the show was going on and I was hosting it. Whoa. Timed that wrong.

[A]

A lot of dead air.

[B]

Yeah. You're like, where's the host? And I was, at the time dressed up as Larry Bird. Cause I do the Larry Bird character sometimes, so I dress up like him. So I was straight up hooking up in the bathroom. My twenties. I was really, like. I was so fun.

[A]

I like it. That's fun. It's like you were in drag. You were hooking up in drag.

[B]

Yeah, that was. Yeah, that was fun. I haven't done any. I mean, like, the thing is, when you get married, there's really. It's just like, that is. You really have, like, one place. It's like, interior, bedroom. Your own bedroom.

[A]

I also have a feeling just kind of when you get older. Cause I was pretty wild for a minute, and then I was like, I just. Just want a partner.

[B]

I gotta stay inside. Yeah.

[A]

I can't keep going outside.

[B]

It's also like, we find our adrenaline. We are comedians, so it's like we get a lot of that adrenaline rush already. And a lot of that is worn off for me as well. So the adrenaline rush of hooking up with somebody in a public place, it's long gone.

[A]

No, thank you. Don't need it. I can just do five minutes of staying time to get my hahas and go home.

[B]

Yeah. Fireplace store.

[A]

Fireplace store.

[B]

I'm just gonna keep naming locations to you.

[A]

Oh, a fireplace store.

[B]

Yeah. That guy, my high school boyfriend, his family owned fireplace stores.

[A]

And that's where he brought you to have sex with you.

[B]

That's right. And it worked.

[A]

Where else?

[B]

Fireplace wasn't even on again. It was after hours.

[A]

You love sneaking into someplace after hours.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

Give me two more locations, please.

[B]

Okay, let's see. Obviously, Dorm room. Definitely done. The car definitely done. Like, yeah, cars are. I've done, like, a lot of cars.

[A]

I've done cars, too, and there's not enough room.

[B]

There's not. Yeah, it's very uncomfortable. Again, can't do it now. Like, my neck. I want to be able to, like, move my, like, neck or, like, my back would be, like, out.

[A]

Just be, like, up. You're like, sorry. I had sex in a car and I'm approaching 62 years old. I'm very old. Wait. Give me a wild sex capade story before we go.

[B]

Oh, I mean, a lot of it was the clown just because she was a clown. Right.

[A]

Did she ever honk, honk and then go down on you?

[B]

Yeah, that's what she said. Honk, honk. That's how I knew she was going. I was like. I was like, this is going to be good. This is going to be good.

[A]

Wait, I feel like you're joking, but I would really, like.

[B]

Well, I. I mean, I've talked about this in my set, that she was like, I never had an orgasm before I met the clown. And so. Oh, yes. I think I. Yeah, yeah. So I always have this thing where it's like, so, like, my life is. I met my wife at Les bowl, and the first orgasm I ever had was given to me by a clown. And that is the life that I have made for myself, you know?

[A]

I like it. I once asked my boyfriend to honk my titties and go Hong Kong. And he just smiled and went, no.

[B]

So you're like, okay, you just squeeze in. I'll say Hong Kong.

[A]

Oh, that's a good compromise. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I'll.

[B]

Maybe I'm gonna do it. He's like, you already seems like you have an idea of, like, the read you want on Hong Kong.

[A]

That's such a good idea. Because maybe he just doesn't want to sound silly.

[B]

Let me know how it goes.

[A]

I will. I'm so pleased because I love. I love getting my titties honked and hearing honk, honk. And I could just do it. He can honk him, and I'll just be like, honk, honk. And then I'll laugh so hard.

[B]

I mean, it's going to be a lot of. He's going to be like, you promise you're not going to say Hong Kong this time? I promise.

[A]

And then I do it anyway. Mo, we gotta go.

[B]

Okay. We gotta go.

[A]

Would you date me?

[B]

Of course I would date. Oh, my God. After hearing my story, you don't Think I want somebody that wants me to say honk, honk when I squeeze their boobs? Like, absolutely.

[A]

I am a catch. Do you have anything you wanna promote?

[B]

Just my watch. You know my story about my dad and going to see him after not seeing him for 20 years? It's called dad jokes. It's on Hulu. It's my special.

[A]

When did it come out?

[B]

It's come out a few times, but now it's on Hulu. It came out like a few weeks ago. Actually. It was kind of during the fire, so that's why I wasn't promoting it.

[A]

Okay, cut this out. If you like this episode of why won't you date me, you can like it. You can. You can give me. You can give me five stars. And if you write me something nasty to why won't you date me? PodcastMail.com I will read it. This person writes, I'm gonna put you.

[B]

In a waffle cone.

[A]

Fume. Why? I'm gonna put you in a waffle cone feet first. Then I'll drizzle you with chocolate fuzz and top you off with whipped cream and a nice cherry on top. How come there's no ice cream? Maybe some sprinkles if you're feeling extra frisky, then I'll lick you up and down and say, let me some double chocolate sundae. There's no ice cream. Wait. This person just wants to lip like whipped cream off of me. Then why am I in the cone?

[B]

These are your fans.

[A]

These are my fans.

[B]

You did this. I did do this. I asked for this. Bye.

[A]

You've been listening to why won't you date me with me? Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars, with executive producer Anya Kanovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our thief music is arranged by Mike Comate. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then.

[B]

Okay, bye. Bye. That was a Headgum podcast. Hi, I'm Ilana Hope Levinson. And I'm Dan o'. Sullivan. And this is the Outfit, the new podcast from Higher ground and Headgum. Now we're two journalists who are slightly obsessed with the mob and organized crime and other nefarious stuff like that.

[A]

Every week we're going to bring you.

[B]

A story about a mobster. Some you've heard of, some you definitely haven't. But all of them are going to help explain why America is like this. See the Mob explains all sorts of things, from milk expiration dates to why we got into Cuba to Las Vegas gay bars.

[A]

Who knew?

[B]

Who knew the mob's involved? All that and more. Subscribe to the outfit wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday. What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney.

[A]

And what's up, everybody?

[B]

I'm Beck Bell.

[A]

And man.

[B]

Ooh, I got. We got something to tell you.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we definitely do.

[B]

Yes. It's a brand new podcast on Headgum. That's right. And it's called what's Our Podcast?

[A]

Yep. And that's because we don't have a.

[B]

Single idea what our podcast should be about. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on.

[A]

And they tell us what they think our podcast should be about, and then we try it.

[B]

Yep. Guests like Marc Maron, Jack Black, Brittany Broski, Caper Land, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter, and Tim Balls.

[A]

Landon Axler, Jory Joni McGreeves, and Dender.

[B]

And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday, so subscribe to what's Our Podcast? On YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah, I'm gonna go do it right now.