Rolling Blunts for a Money Launderer (w/ Brooke Candy)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer

Episode: Rolling Blunts for Money Launderers (w/ Brooke Candy)
Date: January 23, 2026
Host: Nicole Byer
Guest: Brooke Candy

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Episode Overview

In this vibrant and candid episode, Nicole Byer sits down with musician and performer Brooke Candy for a wild, honest exploration of love, relationships, sexual adventures, and the odd jobs that colored Brooke's unusual journey. The duo dives deep into topics ranging from meeting partners in unconventional places to the lessons of stripping, navigating monogamy after open relationships, and growing up around adult entertainment. Both share personal stories—hilarious, messy, and profound—about what it means to build connection and find self-acceptance regardless of societal pressures.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Meeting in Strange Places & The Origins of Love

• Brooke’s Love Story
  • Brooke met her husband in a shack in the desert where he was tattooing. There were no pictures of him online, but she admired his tattoo work and reached out.
  • "I went inside the shack and there was a dove flying around the room and just pictures of angels. And then he tattooed me. ...I was like, 'I'm gonna marry him.' But he didn’t know yet, but I knew." (03:05)
• Transition to romance included a platonic year, multiple tattoo sessions, a wild hangout in Japan, a drunken hookup, and an iconic wig mishap.
• The relationship quickly moved forward after Japan, with Brooke moving in almost immediately after declaring her love.

Nicole on Danger and Dating

• Nicole shares her historical naiveté regarding personal safety when younger, recounting stories about hitchhiking and how she felt invulnerable:
  • "I've always been fat. I don't think I'm gonna get murdered. That's hard, girl." (05:20)
  • Both women reflect on feeling unexpectedly safe in situations that, in retrospect, were risky.

On Falling Fast—And Other Relationship Stuff

• Speed of Commitment

  • Brooke and her husband moved in together after just a week.
    • "That's like one week. There was one week that went by between me saying 'I love you,' and then him stealing the keychain to then us living together now." (13:35)
  • Nicole: “Do people in your life, are they like, that's crazy. You're moving too fast?” (13:47)

• Monogamy vs. Openness

  • Brooke identifies as pansexual; previously open, now monogamous.
  • Openness only sounded appealing during fights, but acknowledges she'd likely be jealous.
  • "Even if it was my idea, I would regret it immediately because I would...have a crazy imagination.” (14:17)

• Nicole’s Take on Open Relationships

  • Finds managing multiple emotional/romantic relationships exhausting.
    • "The thought exhausts me... relationships are work. I can't imagine doing that with multiple people." (15:10)

Communication Styles & Couple Dynamics

• Texting Styles & Frustrations
  • Both admit to being relentless texters—line by line, thought by thought—which sometimes frustrates their partners.
  • "I do literal thought by thought. So as it enters my brain, I'm typing it...There are so many people, including my husband, who hate it." (16:48)
  • Nicole’s partner prefers calls over long texts and suggests calling instead.

Being Different Together

• Pop Culture, Tastes, and Compatible Differences
  • Couples don’t have to love all the same things; it's healthy to enjoy things separately.
  • "I feel he doesn't think that we can have different mindsets. ...it's fine to be in a relationship and then each do your own thing." – Brooke (20:04)
  • They discuss watching The Sopranos and how they differently justify the actions of fictional antiheroes.

Brooke’s Wild Work History

• Growing Up at Hustler
  • Daughter of a Hustler exec, Brooke’s childhood included time at the Hustler offices, often in surreal, gaudy environments.
  • Styled mannequins for Hustler, and Larry Flynt appeared in one of her music videos.
    • "I'm hogtied on his desk in his office on Wilshire Boulevard. ...And he's in his wheelchair behind me, eyes closed, like. And I'm hogtied, singing my song in slow motion." (27:23)
• Stripping & Rolling Blunts for a Money Launderer
  • Stripped at legendary clubs (Seventh Veil, Cheetahs), learned confidence and fearlessness—and about workplace hierarchies (“Apple” was the star everyone else competed with).
    • "When she would come, she would come once a week, and people would come from, like, all over LA just to see her. ...And we were all like, fuck that. It’s Apple’s day today." (34:33)
  • Day job: rolling blunts in “a back room that absolutely was money laundering. ...It was the most monotonous job. ...But actually kind of mindful."* (33:22)

Lessons from Stripping & Life Advice

• Personal Growth
  • Stripping taught Brooke to be uninhibited and overcome stage fright (temporarily), but also induced a sense of healthy delusion necessary for performing.
  • "I learned to be completely uninhibited, obviously. Getting naked in front of strangers. ...It helped me become very confident to the point of, like, calm down." (36:06)
• Advice for Single People
  • Love is unexpected: Don’t panic if it doesn’t come as you envision—it might hit you over the head "in a shack" when you least expect it.
    • "Don’t be discouraged if you don’t find it where you’re looking. ...Sometimes it is in the least expected places and it hits you over the head when you don’t expect it." (37:42)
  • Nicole echoes: you’re most likely to find someone when you’re comfortable being alone.
    • “I think when you are comfortable, fully comfortable being alone and you’re like totally at peace...that’s when it fucking comes and hits you over the head.” (39:51)

Creative Pursuits & New Beginnings

• Pandemic Career Shift
  • Brooke learned tattooing from her husband and taught herself on her own legs during the pandemic.
  • Endearing failures:
    • “I did a terrible stripper heel. ...It’s the worst. It’s unfixable, unfixable." (46:20)
• New Year's Resolutions
  • Brooke: Fewer long texts, more calls; more control over impulsive communication.

Closing Questions & Astrology Banter

• Would Brooke date Nicole?
  • "100%. No doubt. Duh." (50:01)
• Several past guests have said no—Nicole and Brooke react with mock outrage.
• Light banter about zodiac signs—Nicole is Virgo, Brooke is Cancer. Both playfully admit to caring and not caring about astrology.
• Self-deprecating jokes about organization, "piles," and creative chaos.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Romantic Risks:

  • "I used to do some of the weirdest, craziest... just like, go hang out. ...I felt safe, which is crazy." – Brooke (04:08)

• On Jealousy and Openness:

  • "Even if it was my idea, I would regret it immediately because...I have a crazy imagination." – Brooke (14:17)

• Nicole’s Dating Self-Perception:

  • "I've always been fat. ...I don't think I'm gonna get murdered. That's hard, girl." (05:20)

• On Work and Debate in Relationships:

  • “It’s like 5% work, 95% debate team, which is also work.” – Brooke (19:35)

• On Advice for Singles:

  • "Don’t be discouraged if you don’t find it where you’re looking. ...It could happen at any time, any age, anywhere." – Brooke (37:42)
  • "When you are comfortable, fully comfortable being alone ...that’s when it fucking comes." – Nicole (39:51)

• On the Hustler Office:

  • "I would be, like, sitting on the couch, eating ice cream, watching cartoons, and then, like, he would come in and then, ‘Hi, Brooke, how are you?’ ...but it wasn’t normal." – Brooke (31:05)

• On Pole Tricks at the Club:

  • "I'd climb up the top, wrap my legs, hang down, be fully hung down for a second. ...And then I could drop. And right before I’d get to the ground, I could stop myself so my head wouldn’t hit." – Brooke (33:50)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 03:05 – Meeting Brooke’s husband and the shack story
• 08:14 – The Japan trip, wild night, freaky hookup, and “wig story”
• 13:06 – Moving in and relationship beginnings
• 14:09 – Monogamy vs. open relationships
• 15:50 – Communication styles (texting vs. calling)
• 20:04 – Navigating different interests within a relationship
• 27:23 – Hustler stories, Larry Flynt, and music video
• 33:17 – Stripping and rolling blunts for money launderers
• 36:06 – Lessons learned from stripping
• 37:42 – Relationship advice for single people
• 45:15 – Learning tattooing during the pandemic
• 46:41 – New Year's resolutions
• 50:01 – "Would you date me?" and astrology talk

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Tone & Style

The episode is unscripted, lively, and full of candid humor. Nicole’s signature self-deprecation and Brooke’s mix of raw honesty and wild storytelling set a relaxed, comedic, and deeply personal vibe. The conversation is peppered with explicit stories, reflections on growing up unconventional, and moments of genuine vulnerability, always laced with irreverent wit.

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For New Listeners: Why This Episode?

If you've never tuned in before, this episode is a hilarious, honest example of what Why Won't You Date Me? does best—blending outrageous personal anecdotes with insightful talk about relationships, identity, and the search for connection. Brooke Candy’s journey through the clubs of LA, the surrealism of Hustler HQ, and the intimate details of modern love make this episode a wild ride—and an encouraging one for anyone feeling “behind” or different.

Transcript

[A]

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description.

[B]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[A]

New year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps plus fries and a medium soft drink for just $8 for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California. And for delivery.

[B]

We were hooking up, and I had performed that night, so I had a wig full glam. It was, like, very. The outfit. Everything was very weird, though. It wasn't like, sexy hot glam.

[A]

It was, like, freaky. Freaky and bizarre.

[B]

I love that. Freaky and bizarre, to say the least. And we got into the shower, and as we were getting in the shower, he was standing where the water was, and I was giving him a blowjob. And I'm trying to make sure that I don't get in because I know once that water hits the hair, it's falling off. And it wasn't fat. It wasn't, like a lace front that's glued on. It was basically plopped on your head.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And so as I'm, like, it didn't work. I'm, like, going at it, and then it just fell. And then he just sees. Because it was, like, long black hair, and I think he thought it was my hair. And then he just, like, sees it. And then he's like, it's fine. I'm like. I'm like. And I just left it there, and I just kept going.

[A]

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ooh, baby. Welcome to another episode of why Won't yout Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come on my doorstep and tell me it's snow. My guest today is a rapper, singer, and song and songwriter. Reading's hard. She has a new podcast called Unwrapped, which is out now. And I was lucky enough to be a guest on the first episode. I didn't realize it was the first episode. You can watch that on YouTube or listen to it on all streaming platforms. I'm so excited for Brooke. Candy. Brook. Candy. Brooke. Candy. Hi, Brooke. Hey.

[B]

I like songwriter because that's how I feel.

[A]

I am that sometimes reading is so hard.

[B]

Reading is fundamental.

[A]

It is. I almost wore a shirt that said, reading is fundamental. It had a little raccoon on it. Or maybe it said, books are good. I don't remember. I know there was a raccoon, and I know it said something about, like, reading. Yay.

[B]

I love to read.

[A]

What are you reading right now? Oh, reading bitches.

[B]

Reading bitches.

[A]

I got it. I'm on board. How did you meet your husband?

[B]

We met in the desert. He was tattooing out of a shack in the desert. This is really, very, very. I hit him up. He had no pictures of himself on his Instagram, but I liked his tattoos. Said, where can I meet you to get a tattoo? He said, I'll be in Joshua Tree. I met him. He was literally in a shack. And I went inside the shack and there was a dove flying around the room and just pictures of angels. And then he tattooed me. He tattooed angels on me, and I had never had angels on me before. And then I left, and I was like, I'm gonna marry him. But he didn't know yet, but I knew.

[A]

And then you married him.

[B]

And then we got married.

[A]

That's really, really sweet. Was he alone in this shack? He was.

[B]

He was with his friend Andy. He was helping, who was. There was like a RV in the back where Andy was, and then he was in this shack alone. Like the front shack. They were. They were building.

[A]

You have to know how crazy that sounds.

[B]

Does that sound crazy?

[A]

Yes. That your future husband was like, meet me in this shack.

[B]

I used to do some of the weirdest, craziest. Like, I just wouldn't meet someone, and I would just like, yeah, like, drive or fly out without ever meeting them one on one or having a conversation on the phone, and then just like, go hang out or like, it was just. I was comfortable in that space. I don't know. I think it was a lot of delusion. I felt safe, which is crazy.

[A]

I don't think it's crazy. A little wild. But I also, growing up, felt safer than maybe I should have. I would hitchhike in New York. Like, if somebody catcalled me, I'd go, where are you going? And they'd be like. If they were like, uptown, I'd be like, take me with you.

[B]

That's fucking crazy.

[A]

I know. And my old roommate Jen, I remember one time we did it, and we were in the backseat, they were driving kind of crazy. And she was like, how do you know these people? And I go, I don't. And then the way she gripped my knee, I was like, why is she so scared? And now, at the ripe old age of 77, I was like, she. She.

[B]

That's a murderer.

[A]

She should have been scared. I should have been Scared.

[B]

Could have been Ted Bundy.

[A]

Could have been. But I don't know. I've always been fat. I don't think I'm gonna get murdered. That's hard, girl.

[B]

You're hot.

[A]

Oh, I didn't say I wasn't hot. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive, but I do think I'm her murdered. I'm not like murder. I'm not at a murder weight. You gotta cut me up.

[B]

That's not a thing.

[A]

Yes, it is. You gotta cut me up. There's more of me. You gotta drag me somewhere. There's more of me. Think about it. If you're gonna murder, you're going for a tiny person because it's less work. Murdering is like, okay, it's gonna weigh on your conscious. But now I gotta do a workout. I gotta drag. I gotta use my core to drag a big bitch over here. I gotta use my legs to lift her and push her down the river. Down the river. I just. I don't think it's gonna happen. Too much work.

[B]

So you're saying. Well, one, I think generally hot women get stalked.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then that leads to a lot of murders. But you're also saying. I said that. But you're saying to me, I'm a number one. Like, I'm gonna potentially get murdered.

[A]

Well, I think if somebody watching this.

[B]

Right now was choosing the two of.

[A]

Us, they would choose you. I personally would choose you. You're easier. The rank of murder in this room is you mars then me.

[B]

But have you seen these?

[A]

Your little fists. Your teeny tiny little.

[B]

With my keys in between. My mom always said, brooke, when you're walking home at night, put one key in between each kn. Just in case. I'm like, mom, if I punch them and the keys are just going to bend, like that's not going to hurt anyone. Just like if I try to use a knife, they're just going to go like, okay, thank you. And then stab me. If I try to use a gun, they're going to pull it, shoot me. I mean, not. No weapon.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

I'm probably going to get murdered by a serial killer at some point.

[A]

Going to get murdered. I'm just saying, if someone was thinking about who to murder in this room, I think you're number one.

[B]

Oh, well, at least I'm number one at something.

[A]

We all have to be number one at something. So wait, how long were you. Were you friends before you started dating? How did you start dating? From meeting in a shack.

[B]

I would say a Year later. Cause I just kept getting tattoos and we. And it was very. Just like we'd hang out sometimes, like go get lunch or it was very platonic. And then we hung out in Japan. And then we had a wild night in Japan. And this is where my.

[A]

You have to know how crazy this sounds. What do you mean you just hung out in Japan? How did. Japan is a very long flight. How does one just end up hanging out in Japan with a friend?

[B]

Did you go together? I was performing and then I went to go get a tattoo from him and we had already been hanging out and I was feeling these flirtatious vibes. Like I really was. And then I was like, oh, I'm going to Japan. So when I get back, you know. And he's like, oh, that's funny. I'm also going to Japan. And I was like, are you following me? He was like, no. Like, the tickets were really cheap. Like, I have nothing to do. And then he was there. So I had a show and I invited him. And then we got so waste. I've never had this much alcohol in my life. Literally. I had 35 shots and I was never drunk. Something about the energy. In Japan you just don't get drunk. Oh, it's crazy. I was. And here in la, one shot, I'm asleep. I can't, I can't. I start saying weird stuff and everyone's like, you gotta go. But then remember how I told you that my wig fell off?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

When you said about your story, about your. So this is the shot. Can I tell the story?

[A]

Yes, please.

[B]

It's X rated, but it's okay. We were hooking up and I had performed that night. So I had a wig, full glam. It was like very. The outfit, everything was very weird though. It wasn't like sexy hot glam.

[A]

It was like freaky. Freaky and bizarre. I love that.

[B]

Freaky and bizarre, to say the least. And we got into the shower and as we were getting in the shower, he was standing where the water was. And I was. This is like so graphic. I was giving him a blowjob. That's okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's natural.

[A]

That's what people do. Okay, so you're giving him a blow job.

[B]

So I'm giving him a blowjob. And I'm trying to make sure that I don't get in. Cause I know once that water hits the hair, it's falling off. And it wasn't fat. It wasn't like a lace front that's glued on. It was basically plopped. On your head.

[A]

Plopped on your head. Okay.

[B]

And so as I'm like, it didn't work. I'm like going at it, and then it just fell. And then he just sees. Cause it was like long black hair. And I think he thought it was my hair. And then he just, like, sees it. And then he's like, it's fine. I'm like. I'm like. And I just left it there. And I just kept going my moves.

[A]

I'm like, what was your hair like underneath? Was it braided down? Were you wearing a wig cap?

[B]

Really? I was wearing. I wanna say I was wearing a wig cap. But it was really short. It was like. It was almost like little drummer boy hair. It was like a bowl cut. So it went from. It was black hair, like, to here, kind of. The makeup wasn't sexy, but the hair sexy. From that to like little drummer boy, you know, he was down. So I was like, okay, fine, let's do this. I mean, we got that out of the way. Best to get that out of the way the first time. And then you never have to worry.

[A]

Love just blossomed from there.

[B]

Then love blossomed. Then I told him that trip. Cause I'm a crazy person, that I loved him. And I cried.

[A]

Wait, okay, so you've been, like, hooking up your friends. You're not officially dating or.

[B]

No, not officially dating.

[A]

Not officially dating. And then you were like, I love you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Somebody said this years and years ago that I truly believe. It's like, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Because had you said that too. Sweet. Isn't that nice? Because how'd you said that to the, like, the wrong person? It wouldn't have been the right. Wait, what is it? You can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Yeah. So it was the wrong person. They could have been like, that's crazy. But you said it to the right person who was like, what did he do? He laughed.

[B]

Okay, so this is so bizarre. So we spent. After that, we spent like five days together. And then we were out shopping. This is so weird. So I said it. I was like, I think I love you and I'm just gonna miss you so much. And I start crying. And he laughed because he didn't. Cause he was surprise. And then he got up and I was like, oh, my God, is he leaving? And he went into the store, and then he stole a keychain. And then he brought it out and he was like, here and gave me a keychain. And I was like, did you just steal that? He was like, mm. I was like, is that him, like, telling me he loves me? I guess.

[A]

Do you still have the keychain?

[B]

No.

[A]

You're like, it didn't actually mean a thing.

[B]

The keychain. Didn't mean.

[A]

He stole the keychain. And I said, great, I'll throw it right away.

[B]

It was the weirdest. Like, 20 minutes. Like, I just really let it all out. He stole something from a store in Japan. We both made interesting decisions and. Yeah. But we're still together six years, almost.

[A]

Seven years later, so it means something good happened. And then when you both got back here, is that when you officially started dating?

[B]

Then we came back to la and then we started dating. We started living together, but we were kind of, like, nomadic, so we kind of were, like, we didn't have a spot, and so we both had moved from our places, and so we lived, like, in an Airbnb. Airbnb.

[A]

Airbnb.

[B]

And then we moved to New York, and then I lived in New York for four years with him and then moved back here.

[A]

How long were you dating before you moved in together?

[B]

Right away, Literally.

[A]

I mean, yeah, I.

[B]

That's like, one week. There was one week that went by between me saying, I love you, and then him stealing the keychain to then us living together now.

[A]

Do people in your life, are they like, that's crazy. You're moving too fast.

[B]

They were like, oh, my God, he really loves her.

[A]

I like, someone loves her. Someone loves her. Oh, my God, somebody loves her. So you are pansexual and you used to be open. Oh, yeah. But now you're in a monogamous relationship.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Was it just because you were like, oh, I just want to be with this person, or was he like, I only do monogamous relationships.

[B]

I've asked a couple times, but it's actually been like, when we're fighting, that's when I'll be like, what do you think about opening this up? But it's not really. Like, I think, like, if we opened it up, I would be the more jealous one. Like, truly, even if it was my idea, I would regret it immediately because I would. I have a crazy imagination. It would be running and running. I'd be like, what? What are they doing?

[A]

You know?

[B]

But I think with him, we just, like, became so domesticated so fast, and I was so. It felt like, like, this soulmate energy, and I. And I felt like I met my soulmate and. But before that, I dated every, like, every I was open to. I dated women. I've dated. I've dated men, women. Just. I was open and. And I have settled down a few other times, but they were never like. It wasn't like a.

[A]

It wasn't right.

[B]

It wasn't a lifelong partner.

[A]

I don't think I could be open. I just. Because I think relationships are work. I don't think it's, like, bad work. And I'm not, like, you know, shitting on it, but, like, they are work. You have to communicate, you have to listen. You have to, like, adapt, maybe change. Like, something that you do that isn't the best.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I can't imagine doing that with multiple people.

[B]

Oh, my God, no.

[A]

Checking in with 3 other people every fucking.

[B]

Oh, my God, no.

[A]

The thought exhausts me. Oh, are you.

[B]

When you text, what's your texting style?

[A]

My texting style is relentless.

[B]

Text after text after text.

[A]

Kind of.

[B]

Sometimes same. Yes.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I've seen and heard.

[A]

Sometimes I'll text paragraphs, and I've stopped doing that. The nice man in my life was like, hey, what if you, like, just call me and let me know all the things that you want to say? And I was like, call you and have a dialogue? And he was like, I know what I'm saying. You can't write it down. He's like, you could write it down so you have something to go off of. But, like, what if I didn't have to scroll to, like, read your thoughts? What if you just told me and I was like, that's crazy. But now I do like it.

[B]

You like the call?

[A]

I do like that. Because I don't. Because you know how sometimes you're, like, texting a paragraph of your thoughts and then you, like, get lost in it, and then you start making up stuff and you're like, I think that. And it's like, no, I do line.

[B]

By line, which looks even crazy. So it's so funny. You can send a paragraph, but if it's line by line, the same width and height, it looks crazier. For some reason, it does. And I scroll down by line points because I do literal thought by thought. So as it enters my brain, I'm typing it, typing it, but it's so normal to me. And when people do it back to me, I'm like, oh, I'm so relieved. I'm not the only one. But there are so many people, including my husband, who hate it.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

He just actually won't respond. So I just have full conversations with myself. I looked at Our text message, it's like, 200, when are you gonna be home? 200. Are you hungry? 200. I'll be back in five. It's like, ugh.

[A]

Does that frustrate you?

[B]

Oh, God. I wanna do thousands of texts.

[A]

I love it. Yeah. The nice man is when we first started dating, I was like, so do you, like, how do you communicate? Do you not like texting? And he was like, no, texting is fine. But I'm more like, lol. That's crazy. Wow.

[B]

Where did you guys meet?

[A]

Unhinged. Oh, yeah, you told me.

[B]

You told me.

[A]

My God. And it is funny because he has been in, like, the peripherals. Peripheral. Peripher. Peripherals. Peripheral. Peripheral. He's been here because he's friends with my old roommate's friend. Like, they grew up together. And then his sister knew a couple people that, like, I knew. And yeah, he's just, like, been around, but like, we had never met.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was just funny. Cause I was like, you've been so close. Like, if one of our friends had any thoughts they could have, like, put it, like, set us up.

[B]

Yeah. Which is strange, you know, where were the friends at? Kind of like hook me up.

[A]

Years I was like, begging friends to be like, hey, if you know of anybody set me up with, you know them. And nobody ever did it. I had to go on Hinge to find them my fucking self. It was funny last night. I was like, how long did it take you between us matching and you actually messaging me? And he was like, it was very quick. I messaged you and we met like a week later. And I was like, that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking how long it took from when we matched to when you messaged me. And he was like, nicole, it was Hinge. I had to message you when I liked you. I liked one of your pictures and messaged you. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm being insistent and belligerent for no reason.

[B]

My life as well. My life as well. My God, I feel like my life. It's just like you said, it's work. And it's like 5% work, 95% debate team, which is also work.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I'm like, my husband is the debate team captain. I'm like, thank you, professor, for teaching me something that isn't even true or right. And we can have different. Like, I feel he doesn't think that we can have different mindsets.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And watch different shows. And he's like, well, we don't like the same things. And it's like, you're not gonna like this movie. And it's like. But I might. I mean, it's fine to be in a relationship and then each do your own thing. Have, you know, different thoughts on things. Like, we don't have to debate everything, you know, do you do that?

[A]

We typically like mostly the same things, but just for different reasons. Like, he showed me Venom, the third Venom movie. And I had never seen any of the Venoms. And I was like, okay, they're really fun.

[B]

What is it?

[A]

The first Venom. Okay. So Sony was doing. I talk about this so much. Sony was doing their own Marvel things because they owned Spider Man. So they were doing Spider man movies. And then they were like, we'll do Spider man villain movies. So Venom is a Spider man villain, but the movies, he's kind of a hero. And they. The villain movies never really have a villain turn. It's really. It's weird. But the first movie, it's about friendship and I love friendship. And he was like, I liked it because it was like an action movie, but you like things and you just see different things. So I like rewatching things with you. And we're watching the Sopranos right now, and I'm a Tony Soprano apologist. He's a bad man. He is.

[B]

But I feel, God, it's just so hard to be in an Italian mafia family. And it's like when you're the boss and he's trying. He's going to therapy.

[A]

He is. And everyone keeps doing exactly what he says not to do.

[B]

Listen, he. Imagine how stressed he is. I know the stress of living a double life.

[A]

And that essentially what I keep saying to the nice man. And he keeps being like, Nicole, he kills people. And I'm like, yeah, but his children are so selfish and they want so much. But he. The crimes pay for their life. And I'm like, carmela's complaining. All the crime pays for her life.

[B]

She won't get off his back. I mean. Oh my God. Have you. Have you gone through the whole.

[A]

Not the whole thing.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

We just started season four. Okay.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

And it's funny, cuz the nice man in my life is like. He's like. The beginning's pretty funny, but it gets really intense and heavy. We're in season four. I'm still. Haha. I'm still having a nice time. How many seasons? That's a good question. Who. Who knows?

[B]

Infinite. It feels like Infinite with the Sopranos. I don't know, but towards the end. Mars, do you mind? Oh, my.

[A]

Really? That's what people keep saying, but I've been like, share. I've been having a nice time. There's six seasons. Oh. Oh.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I only have. So we just started four, so four, five. I don't know why I had to count on my fingers. It's. I have three seasons left of the show. My God. Sometimes I'm like, am I dumb? Wait, Brooke. We have to take a break, You guys. We're deep in the new year. How are those resolutions going? If you or your friend is trying to quit nicotine. I know, I know. It could be a total nightmare. Cold turkey. No, thank you. This year you want to. You want nicotine routines that make you feel good, not guilty. Whether you're trying to quit or cut back, Jones makes it easier to follow through. They have these science backed, FDA approved nicotine mints. There's no smoke, no vapor, and no weird pouches. It's just a discreet mint that helps you ride out those cravings, which usually only lasts about 60 seconds so you don't have to disappear from the party to sneak a little smokeroo. Plus, the mints come in a very chic tin that is easy to carry and it's cute enough to just leave on the table at brunch. And you are not alone. You can log on to the Jones app and connect with a community of over 60,000 quitters who are supporting each other. If your New Year's resolution is to quit or even just use nicotine in a healthier way, check out Quit Quit with Jones. Visit quitwithjones.com date me to take the free quiz and use code Date me to get 15% off your personalized quitting journey. That's quitwithjones.com date me taking back control starts now. Thanks to Quit with Jones for sponsoring this episode. Just a heads up, the mints contain nicotine, which is an addictive chemical. Jones is an FDA approved and available for those who are 18 and older. Support for this podcast is brought to you by Warby Parker. You guys, why is it such a nightmare to buy glasses used to walk into a store? Everything was locked in a glass case and most of these glasses cost a small loan. My God. Well, let me tell you, Warby Parker has completely changed the game for eyeglasses. I was on their site recently using the virtual try on and it's actually like wild. You just point your camera at your face and you can see exactly how the frames look in real time. This is the future. People and their glasses start at just $95 so you don't have to choose between paying rent or having cute glasses. Warby Parker is covered by major eye insurance plans and for every pair they sell, they give a pair to someone in need. They have distributed over 20 million pairs, which is honestly incredible. Warby Parker gives you quality and better looking prescription eyewear at a fraction of the going price. Our listeners get 15% plus free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at warbyparker.com date me that's 15 off when you buy two pairs of eyeglasses at w a r b y parker.com date me. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you. You know, I love a messy story on this podcast and I live for the drama of dating, but I do not love messy health care, okay? That tries to control us. Planned Parenthood believes that we should have access to care and the absolute freedom to make our own decisions about our health and futures. Whether you need STI testing and treatment, birth control, gender affirming care, abortion, or just straight up sex education, Planned Parenthood is here for you. They are here for all of us. But we have to talk about what's happening right now. Lawmakers across the country are actively preventing people from getting access to essential healthcare. They're trying to deny people birth control, and they're pushing ancient ideas like abstinence only until marriage programs instead of actual medicine. It is a direct attack on our freedom. And sadly, the people getting hit the hardest are black and Latino communities, people in rural areas, and people with low incomes who already face barriers to finding care. Planned Parenthood believes healthcare is a human right that everyone deserves, not just a privilege. For some. They're fighting every day to build a future where everyone can get the care that they need, no matter who they are or where they live. Supporters like you power this work. Donate to Planned Parenthood now@planned parenthood.org defend this is wild to me. So you worked for Larry Flint?

[B]

No, my dad.

[A]

Your dad did?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But you were employed as a mannequin stylist for the Hustler storefront. Yeah. So technically, you worked for him.

[B]

I did work for him and he's in one of my music videos.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

I'm hogtied on his desk in his office on Wilshire Boulevard. Literally in bondage with like these crazy, you know, those shoes that point and you can't walk in them and I'm wearing those. And I'm just fully hogtied. And he literally, I'm not kidding, is asleep. He's in his wheelchair behind me, eyes closed, like. And I'm hogtied, singing my song in slow motion. It's so dramatic. I have these girls next to him. One's holding the wheelchair. She's like. Has her boobs out with little pasties on. Like, it's so. It was meant to look so cinematic and dramatic. And then he's like, you just couldn't stay awake.

[A]

How old was he?

[B]

It was like he died. I want to say maybe less than a year later.

[A]

Oof. Yeah. He was like, I just need to rest. And you're like, you're gonna work. Get up and work.

[B]

I'm not sure he even knew that it was gonna happen.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

And the weirdest thing ever. My dad was there that day, and he didn't work there anymore, but he was there. He would go in and out. Sometimes I think they have, like, multiple offices. And I was, like, getting ready, surrounded by, like, all these gay men and drag queens. And we were, like, being so loud and obnoxious and crazy. And, you know, I looked insane. And my dad had never really seen me as that character. He's never been to one of my shows. I try to keep it separate. It's too vulgar. It's way too crass for them. I wanna keep it. I love my dad. And I don't wanna, like, have you.

[A]

Had that conversation with him? Like, does he know why he's not invited to shows? He.

[B]

I. I've invited him. He's let me know that it's too much. And I'm like, okay, good. Got it. And then I'm like, from now on, I will keep it separate. But then he walked in, and I was like, in this crazy outfit. I might have even been changing. And he was like, oh. And he was in a suit. And I was like, oh, everyone, this is my dad. It was so weird. And everyone. Oh, my God. It was the most motley crew of people that were with me. It was just insanity. We're all covered in glitter, and they're like, hi, Mr. Candy. And he's like. And he just, like, left and walked away. But I honestly don't think that Larry knew I was coming. I think they literally, like, woke him up. And they were like, oh, Brooke's coming to film. And he's like, what? And then they just rolled him over and then sat him behind him.

[A]

Sat him right there. Then he went right back to sleep.

[B]

He's like, I didn't have to do. He was so rich and just, like, he was over it. He ran for president.

[A]

He ran for president.

[B]

He ran for president in the 80s. He's a hardcore liberal. He wants prostitution to be legal. He loves gay rights. He was, like, a liberal. He was big into just. I think he donated a lot to Bill Clinton's presidency. He was very much like a Democrat, which is odd, because normally people that are worth half a billion dollars are Republican fascists, pieces of shit. But he was in that way. I always thought that was commendable.

[A]

Did he make it to a primary? Probably not. I probably remember that.

[B]

No, No. I was like, I wonder Bernie made it further. I think he was. I don't think he made it to a primary, but he might have made it to a few debates.

[A]

Did you hear my stomach just growl? Did you hear it? Okay. Thank God.

[B]

No, I didn't hear it.

[A]

I heard it, and I was like, that sounded crazy. So did you grow up in the Hustler offices? Did you, like, grow up going there?

[B]

Oh, going there, yeah.

[A]

But I guess it's just an office, so it's not like there'd be, like.

[B]

It was weird.

[A]

Oh, it was weird.

[B]

It was weird. Like, not. It's not normal. Like, my dad's like, oh, what do I. What am I gonna do with you? I have to work. So Liz, who was Larry's wife, can you take her? And then Liz would be Come up to Larry's penthouse. So I'd go up to this penthouse, and I'd be, like, sitting on his, like, cow. And it was all gold. It was very, like, actually very Donald Trump as well. Like, they all have the same, like, really gaudy, like, just, like, new money style. But also, he grew up in, like, the backwoods, so it makes sense that, like, his idea of, like, ultra rich would be, like, all gold. Yeah. Like, it makes sense. And. But I would be, like, sitting on the couch, eating ice cream, watching cartoons, and then, like, he would come in and then, hi, Brooke, how are you? Or, like, Liz would come check on me. But it wasn't. Definitely wasn't normal. And I'd just be in there alone, like, literally kicking my legs, you know?

[A]

Like, do you think your dad working at Hustler influenced your performance aesthetic at all?

[B]

No, that was my stripping.

[A]

Ah. And how did you get into stripping?

[B]

Stripping.

[A]

You worked at Seventh Veil.

[B]

Seventh Veil.

[A]

Is it still open? No.

[B]

Did it close? I'm not sure.

[A]

It's on Sunset, right?

[B]

It's on Sunset in West Hollywood. In West Hollywood. West Hollywood. Hollywood. Yeah. Crazy girls. Okay. Cheetahs.

[A]

I used to love Cheetahs.

[B]

Cheetahs was so fun.

[A]

Cheetahs used to be a really nice place for alternative girls. And it just changed. Now they're, like, more focused on lap dances. And I was like, no, I want my alt girls.

[B]

Yeah. And they. And, like, pole tricks. And the girls, when they would get on the pole, it was like a real performance. It was amazing. And I learned a lot about myself when I did that job, that's for sure. And I also. At the same time as that, my two jobs were that at night and then by day, I would roll blunts in the back of a unmarked. It was like money laundering.

[A]

Oh, it's what you call it? Money laundering.

[B]

This guy was 100% money laundering. He had a safe with all this cash, but, like, no one ever came in to get weed. But he would just. I would just sit back there and I was like, there's no music playing, nothing. Like, iPhones weren't really what they are now. So I would just roll blunt after blunt. It was the most monotonous job. I just. But actually kind of mindful, you know, you're really in the present.

[A]

Yeah. Something tedious. You get to just, like, think about things. What was your. Did you have a signature pole move?

[B]

Oh, yep, I did.

[A]

What was it?

[B]

So I'd climb up the top, wrap my legs, hang down, be fully hung down for a second. And then, you know, I'd do this for a second, and then I could drop. And right before I'd get to the ground, I could stop myself so my head wouldn't hit.

[A]

So was the pole behind you or in front of you?

[B]

I would climb, like, climb with my.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

Facing the audience.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Climb up, wrap my legs, drop down so my face was facing them.

[A]

Oh. Ooh.

[B]

And then drop.

[A]

Ugh. That's so wild.

[B]

That was my one trick.

[A]

That was my one trick.

[B]

Cause the other girls could do way crazy. This girl named Apple.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

Oh, my God. When she would come, she would come once a week, and people would come from, like, all over LA just to see her. And she was so hot. And she could do the craziest shit I've ever seen on a pole. And I've also never seen as much money thrown at someone ever in my life. And we were all like, fuck that. It's Apple's day today.

[A]

Not gonna make any fucking money. Oh, my God. I wonder where Apple is now.

[B]

Oh, she's rich. She's on OnlyFans. She must be onlyfans.

[A]

Apple. If you're listening or if you know Apple, let us know where Apple is. She was scared. What was your stripper name, Brooke?

[B]

Candy. I never thought to have an alias.

[A]

Is Candy your government last name?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait, I didn't know that. That's really funny. When you were like. My friends were like, hi, Mr. Candy. And I was like, ah, that's funny because that's not his last name, but that is his last name.

[B]

His last name.

[A]

That's so wild.

[B]

It's bizarre.

[A]

What a treat. Candy.

[B]

Candy. It's like my grandpa changed his name after World War II. He moved here and then I think he thought it sounded like American. What? You know, like.

[A]

That's very funny, right? An American name. Candy. Candy.

[B]

Like Coca Cola. It's just so. It is a strange. I've thought about that. It's just my name. It's. I like it.

[A]

So you said you learned things about yourself stripping. Can I ask what did you learn about yourself?

[B]

Oh, my God. Well, I learned to be completely uninhibited, obviously. Getting naked in front of strangers.

[A]

Get over it real quick.

[B]

I got over stage fright. I got. But actually now I have it again so that you do. I have it again. It's bad now.

[A]

So how do you.

[B]

I like cry. I just do it and then the second I'm up there, it's gone. But I'll cry fully, cry my makeup off because I'm so scared. But it'll be a bunch of people like, woo. And I'm like, oh, I'm gonna. Something's gonna go wrong. So it's maybe like PTSD or something. But when I was stripping, I was so young that I think I just was just young and dumb and I just was super uninhibited. It helped me become uninhibited. It helped me become very confident to the point of like, calm down.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Delusional.

[A]

Sometimes you need a little delusion.

[B]

Oh, that's. I, I think to make it.

[A]

I think to be a performer, you have to have the delusion that, like, yes, people want this. People. I mean, comedy. You have to have some sort of delusion that like a crowd of people literally want to hear all your thoughts. And it's like you have to be like Beyonce's delusional. I think people are gonna love this music that I'm making that nobody else has heard, that maybe 10 people have heard, but they're gonna love it. That's delusion. And then we all eat it up. And I do love It. And then it's like, delusion confirmed. Here's a question. Do you have any advice for single people?

[B]

I feel like, don't be discouraged if you don't find it where you're looking. Cause sometimes it is in the least expected places and it hits you over the head when you don't expect it. Cause I was single, I think, for like nine years and then I just randomly met a guy in a shack because I went to get a tattoo and I wasn't looking for, you know, there was no date. And I was like, oh, this person you. So I think it could happen at any time, any age, anywhere. It doesn't matter. And I think if it doesn't happen the way you expect it to happen, don't be discouraged by that. Because I think that there's someone out there for everyone.

[A]

I think so too. I do think there's somebody out there for everybody. Unless you don't want it.

[B]

Unless you don't want it.

[A]

And then that means you're leaving your person out there to dry and be sad.

[B]

Do you think single people. Because I've watched a lot of videos about this. Like single people who are like, I'm single. Cause I'm choosing to be single because I'm in my power. And I feel. And I feel like that's a little judgy for people that are in relationships. I personally do like the relationship vibe. I like the safety.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But I could still be in my power.

[A]

Yes, I think you could be in your power in a relationship. But I think when you're single, it's a little bit of. Because I feel like society puts a lot on you when you're single to be like, why haven't you met someone? Or like, you'll meet somebody one day. Or I don't like people feeling bad for you because you're single. So I think sometimes people are like, oh, I'm in my power. Because they're like, I don't. I'm rejecting society. I'm rejecting bullshit of people being like, you need to be with somebody. Because I think when I was single, I was very much like, not in my power because I wanted a relationship so bad. But then it got to a point where I was like, I think I like myself and I think I'm okay by myself. Eh, yeah, that's. I'm enough. And then I met somebody.

[B]

That's the other thing, actually. That's. Yeah, okay. That's the advice. You summed it up much better. I disassociated for so long I was like, what was the question? I think when you are comfortable, fully comfortable being alone and you're like totally at peace with it all, you could travel alone and you can just like do anything alone. Like that's when it fucking comes and hits you over the head.

[A]

That's. That's what happened with me. And I do. You said it earlier. I like being able to. I. Oh, I love talking. Talking is very fun. I love it so much. But I also like being silent and I like being silent with somebody sometimes.

[B]

Same.

[A]

I like the pressure of not having to say anything and still being very comfortable with them. But then sometimes I'll be like, I wanna say things and I don't think you wanna respond to me, but like, can I just talk at you sometimes? He's like, sure. And that's nice.

[B]

I need more of that. Yeah, I need more because I always want to talk at. I always am talking at. But he figured out he has now noise canceling headphones. So when I really got to get it, like when I have to show him a meme, I'm like. And then he's like, what? I'm like, look at this. Oh my God, look. I just watched this thing. Like, it was so dumb. It was Logan Paul walking off of a podcast because they made us a joke about the suicide forest. And I was like, oh, look it, look it, look it. He was like, oh my God, can you turn the volume down? Turning down. And then it like freezes. I'm like, oh, wait, hold on. Wait, let me get it back. Okay, wait. He's like, okay, headphone back on. And I'm like, well, yes, I did it.

[A]

You know, it's funny because sometimes I don't care what the response is. I just need to share with you. Yes. Like sometimes I'll send him memes and he'll just go lol. And I want to be like, thank you. Did you watch it? Did you like it? Did you have a nice time? Do you have any other thoughts about this 32nd thing I sent you?

[B]

If you saw my meme send to my husband. I mean, it's just I never even get the lol. He will send me like a puppy meme once in a while and stuff. Sweet.

[A]

See, that's nice. I was in a bad mood and he sent me a Sears catalog of 90s bathrooms. And he was like, did that make you feel better? And I was like, kind of, but not really. Here are the bathrooms I like. It did make me feel better. And I don't know why I Couldn't just say yes. Thank you. If you want to stand out online, you need a good website. Whether you're just starting something new or scaling your business, Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. They have everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings, and get paid. I used to think you needed to hire a fancy, expensive designer to get a good website, but now I look at my friend Squarespace sites and I'm just like, wait, did you do this yourself? Squarespace has these cutting edge design tools that make it impossible to mess up. They have this thing called blueprint. You just drag and drop and suddenly your site looks professional. And if you're trying to make money, which, I mean, we all are, Squarespace makes it so easy to monetize your content. You can sell videos, courses, or even memberships. You can gate your content behind a paywall and create a new revenue stream for yourself. Are you ready to make a gorgeous website? Head to squarespace.com date me for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code date me to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. So I love traveling, and I love traveling with friends. So there's a group of us, there's four, and we were like, let's do something local, something we can drive to. So we were like, let's go to Joshua Tree because the thrifting is really good. And honestly, when I'm looking for a place to stay, I always book a stay on Airbnb for trips with friends. Hotels just don't give us the space I need. I am a grown woman. I need my own bedroom. And more importantly, I need a bathroom that is all mine. Nothing is worse than sharing a bathroom with your friends and having to do your business while someone is right outside the door waiting to brush their dang teeth. You cannot live your best life like that. And if you want to be sure you're booking the very best place, look for the Guest Favorites badge. These are a collection of the most loved homes on Airbnb. Chosen by who? The guests. It's like a stamp of approval that says you're gonna have a great time. Honestly, life is too short to be cramped. Next time you travel, book a home on Airbnb. How did you get into tattooing? Did your husband teach you how to tattoo?

[B]

My husband kind of half taught me during the pandemic I saw. Like, right before the pandemic, I had been playing shows with Charli XCX and Been doing a lot of performances and put out an album, was gonna do a bunch of tours. And then I feel like when the Pandemic hit, like, I didn't wanna work on that anymore. It just didn't feel like that was ever gonna happen again. I know Charli literally put out an album during the Pandemic. She's a hustler. Like, she has more drive than anyone I've ever met. Like, it's insane. But I was like, I'm gonna switch careers to something that is more relaxing and something I can do that is just like I can do anywhere. And I know that when, if this ends, I'll be able to do it. And who knows? And also I did it during too, with masks and shit, stuff like that. But I kind of. I taught myself on my legs.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

There's some really bad ones. Awful. I did a terrible stripper heel.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

It's the worst. It's so bad. It's unfixable, Unfixable, unfixable.

[A]

You can't get it covered.

[B]

I asked Kyle, he was like, there's nothing I can do. And he's so good at tattooing. We've lost it.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

She's gone.

[A]

Nothing I can do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That's wild. Do you have any New Year's resolutions?

[B]

Actually, yeah, I do.

[A]

What are they?

[B]

So I would like to do more phone calls and less long texts because I think they scare people away. From being my friend.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Or from just doing business or why don't I try, really try so hard with my impulses to keep it from business stuff. But I do it with friends and stuff. And like my husband and I know it drives them like, bonkers and makes them fear for their life. So I would like to have more control over my impulses.

[A]

I think that's a good New Year's resolution. I also think maybe that'll be my New Year's resolution to try to just be more mindful and like, think before I act a fool.

[B]

But also there's something so amazing about the transparency and the honesty in that.

[A]

Yeah. But still.

[B]

And the sensitivity.

[A]

Could have a little bit of restraint.

[B]

A little. A little even just a touch more.

[A]

Just not too much. Just a little bit.

[B]

Yeah, I killing it back to my 21 year old illusion. I'm back on the pole.

[A]

I think you could do it. I think you could make your grand.

[B]

Return to the pole at some point. Maybe. I'm like, yeah, maybe when the time is right. A class just to make sure the back works.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I can do at least a spin. And then, like, at a show maybe?

[A]

Yeah, why not?

[B]

I saw Shy Girl. I'll just throw this in. Shy Girl. And she had two zippers. Oh, yes.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Did you. Have you seen her show?

[A]

I haven't. I've seen clips on Instagram.

[B]

It was amazing. The two strippers, when they came out, it was, like, beautiful. It's like, oh, my God. And it's just so. I had never seen that at a show with that kind of music, just with her visuals, and it was just like. I was like, wow, that's. This is really cool.

[A]

But there's a woman who dances with Usher. I wish I could remember her name, but she is so aggressive with her dancing that I love it so much. She does a move where she hangs on the side where her legs are kind of like in a pretzel, and she's to the side, and she, like, beats her chest, and I love it so much. And the way she climbs is so. I don't know how she's doing it. Like, it looks like nothing's really touching the pole, and she's, like, all the way at the top so quickly. And then she. She also can drop down, and it's. And she also does a thing where she, like, she twists her leg. So she, like, does it. It, like, tumbles down.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's so wild to watch.

[B]

It's kind of a double twist to make that happen. But you know what? That reminded me of Usher bucks. Do you remember that?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

When he went to the strip club.

[A]

He went to the club and was paying the girls in Usher bucks. That's not nice.

[B]

Paying them and printed money with his face on it.

[A]

That's not nice. I think Usher's New Year's resolution should be to get real money.

[B]

Like, you're literally. Usher. You are so rich.

[A]

You have so much money.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Well, Brooke, we've come to the end of this episode. Oh, I have to ask. Would you date me?

[B]

100%? No doubt. Duh.

[A]

Oh, my God. I thought you were gonna say no.

[B]

And I was like, no one's ever said no to you.

[A]

Yes. What? Yes.

[B]

On the show.

[A]

Yes. What? I think.

[B]

Ooh, fuck them up.

[A]

Honestly, I think Mike Mitchell was one. I think maybe Jacquees o' Neal was one. Maybe Jacqueese o'. Neal. I think maybe. I don't know. I'd have to really rack my brain, but I think, like, five people have.

[B]

Been like, no, I'm hot, you're funny, you're Cool. Good style, like, good taste. You are into really obscure niche. Weird stuff. That's like. I love that. That's very Aquarius.

[A]

Are you Aquarius? No, I'm a Virgo. What are you?

[B]

Cancer?

[A]

I don't know anything about the signs.

[B]

Well, I think it doesn't matter. I always go, it doesn't matter, but it does.

[A]

The only thing I know is, like, Virgos are particular.

[B]

Organized.

[A]

I'm not. So I guess you could say it's organized chaos. I have little piles of stuff that I know what's going on. Don't touch my piles, because I know what's going on in the piles.

[B]

That's literally. Sorry to keep it running. I know that we are supposed to end up. I cleaned my husband's desk yesterday. Cause there was all these piles, and then it looked like trash to me. But I threw away his prescription for his glasses. But I don't think I did, because I looked through the trash.

[A]

But he was like, brooke, this is.

[B]

Why I tell you, don't touch my piles. But I'm like, no, but there's so many, and I just have to tidy them.

[A]

Is he a Virgo?

[B]

He's an Aquarius. Oh, similar.

[A]

Yeah, I guess so.

[B]

I think.

[A]

I simply don't know.

[B]

I also really don't.

[A]

I know Aquarius is a water sign. Virgo's a Earth sign. Earth, wind and fire. Well, if you like this episode of why won't you date me? Oh, wait. Do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, yeah.

[B]

My podcast. Unwrapped new music.

[A]

And do you have, like, a release date for your new music or.

[B]

No, not quite yet.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And a lot of visuals. Ooh, a lot.

[A]

Well, can you talk to Beyonce and let her know we'd like visuals from her, too?

[B]

Where is she?

[A]

I don't know. She was at the F1 race.

[B]

Was she?

[A]

Mm. And her titties were out to play.

[B]

Well, she was actually. And she was with her mom.

[A]

Yes. And Jay Z was there, and they got driven around, and I was like, she's living my dream. I feel.

[B]

I watched this video where her and Jay Z were walking out and not. And everyone was just yelling, Beyonce. And not one person yelled, jay Z.

[A]

I wonder what that's like to be like, I am married to, like, the hottest lady. I am talented in my own right. I'm a living legend kind of as well. And nobody gives a shit about me.

[B]

Like, he was walking, like, you know, he probably assumed at least he'd hear one or two.

[A]

One or two. Jay Z's it's all Beyonce. Beyonce over here, over here.

[B]

Beyonce over here.

[A]

She's so pretty.

[B]

I mean, she. She's literally perfect.

[A]

I love her so much.

[B]

I love her too.

[A]

Well, if you like this episode of why won't you date me? You can like it, you can read it, subscribe, you give me five stars on Apple podcasts. And if you write me something nasty, hitting on me to why won't you date me? PodcastMail.com I will read it and I'll make a request. If you don't, keep them short a little bit. Just not like an essay. Length a couple, like a paragraph or twos. Great. Okay. Hi, Nicole. I'm really high right now. First, I would like to pick you up at your midtown hotel in a Geo tracker that was towing a Suzuki Sidekick. That's funny because I love a Geo tracker and it's a Suzuki Sidekick.

[B]

I love us Suzuki Sidekick more than anything. You can't. They're Japanese, right? You can't get them. But it's one of my favorite cars.

[A]

You can get them. No.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

They sold Suzuki Sidekicks here. And this.

[B]

The Samurai. That's the one.

[A]

They sold them here.

[B]

I love that car.

[A]

The Samurai and the Sidekick are pretty similar. The sidekick is 90s. The samurai I believe was 80s to 90s. But the geotracker is the same car just sold under a different name.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Wide blind. I love it. You drive. You ask to drive. And for me to sit in the Sidekick while you say something like, but this is simply not a good idea. I've left an engineer cap on the passenger seat for you. And we communicate by phone. The horn blares, toot toot. And we're off. I give you directions to our destination. You pepper me with questions about the replacement engine for the Tracker. I'm coy with responses because I actually just stole these two cars. They were parked next to each other and I decided they were bonded. Bonded. Pair. Pair. I demure and say I don't know anything about cars. Tell me everything. Which is true. I give you directions to the Javits Center. We attend the New York Auto Show. I've arranged for a gaggle of hunky and or old respectful Italian mechanics to personally escort us around. And we all engage in your special interest and get free snacks. By the end of the night, I've lost track of the tiny car. Choo choo train. When we take an Uber to your hotel, we hug on the street. I jizz my pants as I walk away and you have a Tupperware of leftovers from the auto show. Have a good night from Jackson. Thank you, Jackson. Goodbye. That was a Headgum Podcast hi, I'm Drew Offualo. And I'm Dason Afualo, and we host the Headgum Podcast Two Idiot Girls. Each episode we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at at a sleepover with your weird cousins. We talk about all kinds of things, like weird dating, horror stories, maybe a really bad wedgie you had once, or even a show you're loving, and anything in between. So you can listen to Two Idiot Girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.