Sharing Trade (w/ Willam Belli)

Summary

Why Won’t You Date Me? with Nicole Byer
Episode: Sharing Trade (w/ Willam Belli)
Date: July 17, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into the messy, hilarious, and candid world of dating, sex, and friendship in queer and drag culture. Nicole Byer welcomes drag superstar and comedian Willam Belli for a freewheeling conversation about open relationships, trading lovers (“sharing trade”), wild date stories, Hollywood woes, sex parties, and the realities of queer life. In true Why Won’t You Date Me? style, the tone stays raunchy, honest, and uproariously funny, delivering both eye-opening and relatable moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Willam’s Love Life, Marriage, and Divorce

• Willam shares details of his marriage (09:29), how he met his husband at a club, and the wild beginnings of their relationship (“I was like, pull your dick out. You’re getting in free…Biggest dick I’d ever seen on a white guy...We fucked for like, 13 hours.” – Willam, 06:04).
• Divorce: Not messy, but a process (“We only got married because it was gonna be illegal...There was no ceremony, it was me in a Tammy Wynette shirt...I did blow him in the parking lot.” – Willam, 07:28).
• Now, he’s friends with his ex, who’s also still his lawyer (08:25).

2. Dating, “Sharing Trade,” & Queer Hookup Culture

• Willam describes “sharing trade” – passing around the same lovers among friends and sisters in the drag scene.

  “If I know he’s good at it and he can make my sister happy, why not? Sharing is caring.” – Willam, 10:46

• Scheduling hookups: “You always bring a backup. Same thing with trade, you gotta schedule two because they’re flaky...45 minutes in between.” (12:44)
• Apps & digital dating: Discusses Grindr, Sniffies, Jack’d, and the differences between them (“Sniffies is like a map of dicks.” – Nicole, 33:02).
• Dating as a drag queen: Stories of people from fellow queens to Emmy winners sliding into DMs and passing around the same “trade.”

3. Wildest and Best Date Stories

• Worst Date/Room Interview: Willam recounts giving oral to a prospective landlord when a dog jumps out the window:

  “While you’re blowing someone to have something happen where you’re like, ‘What the—?’, and then the dog yelping, you’re like, ‘Did I bite him?’...Then you’re like, I’m not getting this place.” (27:57)

• Best Date: A tender but intense hookup with a Brazilian named Levi – “It doesn’t sound tender, but if someone’s fucking you doggy and they put their foot on the back of your neck...brace for what’s about to come, baby.” (31:16)

4. Open Relationships, Throuples, and Sex Parties

• Open marriage: “We played together a lot...We definitely had throuples.” (12:19)
• Sex parties & kink:

  “The best threeways have a star bottom...If you go to a four-way, it gets complicated. Five is the lowest workable number if you want more than one bottom.” – Willam (35:20)

• Dungeon culture and the crossover between fans of drag, BBW, and Asian women (46:18)

5. Hollywood Struggles & The Grind

• Willam laments about the decline in LA film/TV work:

  "In 2015, there were over 33,000 active days on sets live in LA. In 2025, that number was just over 17,000." – Willam, 21:41

• Money hustle: Airbnb, podcasting, rentals, OnlyFans; candid about the economics of drag and the need for multiple revenue streams (47:23).

6. Sex, Kinks, and Outrageous Drag Tricks

• The art and logistics of hookups for bottoms (diet, timing, bone broth for dates).
• Butt-chugging alcohol as a drag act:

  “I drink with my anus. I have my drinks anally. Pour wine in a douche and drink it anally. No calories!” – Willam (57:47, 58:46)

• Detailed, graphic talk about group sex—how to organize, the math, and “Devil’s Dick” (a legendary porn anecdote involving freezing large quantities of semen—seriously).

7. Candid Advice & Authentic Friendship

• Nicole and Willam discuss having self-worth before seeking relationships:

  “Before you try to get into a relationship, you have to be enough for yourself...And if you're not, lie to yourself and then others.” – Willam (50:18)

• The importance of real friendship:

  “You know what real friends do? They don't text. They buy tickets.” – Willam, 24:48

• Celebrating mutual support in drag and comedy scenes.

8. Willam’s Current Projects & Manifesting

• Hopes “Love is a Drag” (dating show) gets picked up by a major network, and shares the show’s unique approach to straight men experiencing drag (53:11).
• Promoting projects: “Go see Titanique in New York...I’m on The Mob on Hulu...podcasts like Very Delta, Sloppy Seconds, Race Chaser” (64:36).
• Nicole plugs her own stand-up dates and her other projects, including “Best Friends” podcast (66:29).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On “sharing trade”:
  “If I know he’s good at it and he can make my sister happy, why not?” — Willam (10:48)

• On scheduling hookups:
  “You always bring a backup. Same thing with trade. You gotta schedule two because they're flaky.” — Willam (12:44)

• On self-confidence in dating:
  “You don’t need someone to fix you...You need to be enough on your own. And if you’re not, lie to yourself and then others.” — Willam (50:18)

• On drag in LA:
  “It's not all Joey J. Chicken feathers, first season.” — Willam (12:06)

• On butt-chugging:
  “I drink with my anus...Pour wine in a douche and drink it anally. No calories!” — Willam (57:47, 58:46)

• On drag friendship:
  “I think Meatball is like the great white hope. I think she's the crossover for drag...She's the funniest person.” — Willam (26:30)

• On Grindr drama:
  “You're more concerned about my ads or the fact that you tried to fuck me on there and now you won't fuck me in person? Because he didn't see my face and he saw everything else, and he wanted it.” — Willam (01:17 & 38:22, on Bob the Drag Queen)

• On manifesting success:
  “My personal tranifest destiny is...‘Love’s a Drag’ is going to get picked up by a major network...I’m not going to blow any more of the contestants anymore.” — Willam (52:34)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Willam on marriage & divorce: 05:29–08:28
• “Sharing trade” and hookup culture: 09:17–12:49
• Wildest date stories: 27:57–29:17, 30:47–31:16
• On queer dating apps: 32:47–33:55
• Organizing group sex: 35:20–36:08
• Sex party & dungeon life: 37:01–47:14
• Hollywood gig economy/financial struggles: 21:41–23:23, 47:23–50:05
• Advice for single people/self-worth: 50:15–51:36
• Manifesting & career goals: 52:34–54:09
• Promotions & closing: 64:36–66:48

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Tone & Takeaways

Nicole and Willam deliver an unapologetically sex-positive, irreverent, and heart-forward conversation. The episode is rich in explicit humor, queer vernacular, and candid discussion of sex, love, dating apps, and the grind of showbiz. For all its brashness, key themes of friendship, self-worth, loyalty, and living authentically shine through.

Whether you’re interested in the antics of the drag world, the real logistics of queer dating, or just crave hearing hilarious, vivid stories nobody else could tell, this is a classic Why Won’t You Date Me? episode—unfiltered, real, and full of laughter.

Transcript

[Nicole Byer]

The nice man in my life once planned a surprise trip for us to Idlewild, and it was unbelievable. He booked a stay on Airbnb and found this absolute dream of an a frame cabin tucked right into the snowy mountains. It was gorgeous. And sat on this massive private property, which meant my dog Clyde also had a fun vacation roaming the woods all by himself. Then we finally went into town and discover Islewild is literally the greatest place on earth. Do you know who their mayor is? A golden retriever named Mayor Max iii. I'm not joking. You can go downtown on the weekends and actually meet the mayor and his staff of deputy golden retrievers. And when we got back to the cabin, we had this private hot tub all to ourselves under the pine trees and enjoyed a private sunset view of the mountains. It was so romantic and cozy. It felt like our own private sanctuary. And it made the trip just so special. I'm glad he found that cabin. We when you book a stay on Airbnb, you find these absolute gems that are so much more spacious and have so much more personality. It really elevates any trip into a memorable one. Give it a try yourself the next time you travel. Try booking your next day on Airbnb. Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description.

[Willem]

This is a Headgun podcast. I am not paying for apps to meet people, and I don't like. I did Bob's podcast two weeks ago and he's like, you have ads on Grindr. I was like, you're more concerned about my ads or the fact that you tried to fuck me on there and now you won't fuck me in person? Because he didn't see my face and he saw everything else and he wanted it. Fuck Cracker fucks all these little skinny faggot twinks and he won't fuck me.

[Nicole Byer]

That's rude.

[Willem]

Well, he did invite me to game night, which is better.

[Nicole Byer]

I'd rather game night is fun at Bob's.

[Willem]

Yeah, I want to go to that. Come to one and then maybe I'll, like, blow them or something. Like, why doesn't he want to fuck me?

[Nicole Byer]

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ooh, baby. Welcome to another episode of why Won't yout Date Me? A podcaster me, Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single. Even though you could come on my purse and tell me it's a bag charm, my guest Today is an iconic drag queen who competed on RuPaul's Drag Race season four and co host the hit podcast Race Chasers, who I know from Nip Tuck. And she. I loved Nip Tuck. She also now is hosting a brand new comedy dating show called Love is a Drag, now playing on Elixir. I'm so excited. It's a Willam scoop of bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. You're. I didn't realize it had gotten zipped up.

[Willem]

Oh, yes, honey, we got tripped.

[Nicole Byer]

I love reminds me of Leigh Bowery.

[Willem]

That is the greatest compliment ever. Thank you so much. He is the one.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

Him or her? Oh, well, they live there now. Him and Sylvester are like my two favorite tag queens.

[Nicole Byer]

For sure. I. The only reason why I know about Leigh Bowery is because of the failed musical Taboo.

[Willem]

It was successful in England and then it came over here. And despite not being the director, Rosie o' Donnell was in the audience yelling notes during tech week.

[Nicole Byer]

Wait, really?

[Willem]

Yeah. I know a couple people that were in the American version. And Rosie was very vocal about her likes and dislikes.

[Nicole Byer]

Ah, interesting.

[Willem]

And she was told she was not allowed in the building anymore at one point because actors complained to equ. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

So, you know. But Taboo, I love Taboo.

[Willem]

It's great. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

I think the songs in it are so Ilidor. Ilidor is such a pretty song.

[Willem]

I had callbacks for Marilyn.

[Nicole Byer]

Beautiful Marilyn Raisins. Yes. I could see you playing Marilyn. Marilyn's such a fun part.

[Willem]

It really is.

[Nicole Byer]

Talk Amongst Yourselves is such a pretty song. I think it's Liz McCarthy who originated that role. Big Sue, I believe. Boy, oh, boy, what a long time ago. But I love a musical. So what inspired was Leigh Bowery the inspiration for this look?

[Willem]

I love doing monochromatic and, like, head to toe looks. There was a glove. I forgot it in the car. There were more nails. Whatever. We're doing the best we can with what I got. Like Mariah says, but I was inspired by Beyonce because she wore a David Koma look that was like a dress for her Renaissance store with, like, green boots.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

It was like ruched up the sides.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

So I got that dress and then I got the bikini and then some other things. And then I went on House of Bezos and got the knockoff and we made the boots, the leggings.

[Nicole Byer]

House of Bezos. I'm dying. That's very, very meaty.

[Willem]

So is the rainforest, which is my camera.

[Nicole Byer]

He said something recently where he was like, if I ran my company, like X, Y and z, you wouldn't get your packages for more than a week. And I was like, that's how it used to be. And I don't think anybody was mad about it. Yeah, it's just. People get mad now. Cause you've told them that they can have things in an hour or whatever.

[Beck Bennett]

I don't know.

[Nicole Byer]

It's insane. Everything's wild, Willem.

[Willem]

It is wild, wild Willem.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay. Are you sing. You're married?

[Willem]

Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

And you've been married since 2009?

[Willem]

Yeah, I got married on September 9, 2008. So my first anniversary would be 999. And then we forgot till the 13th. And then as soon as my mother told me and him, because we were on speakerphone in the car, he's like, you owe me a blowjob. I was like, me? You forgot, too.

[Nicole Byer]

Wait, he said that in front of your mom?

[Willem]

He doesn't give a fuck. He's like two years younger than my mom, so he's not mine. And P's and Q's.

[Nicole Byer]

How did you guys meet?

[Willem]

We met at the door of Mickey's. I was getting more flyers to hand out when I was 19, and I was next to the cashier, and this Six' Six guy comes up in a suit. And I was like, oh, damn. I was like, pull your dick out. You're getting free. Cause that was my door policy. And he pulled it out. And then like 30 seconds later, he came back. He's like, it's bigger. Do you want to see it? And I was like, yeah. Biggest dick I'd ever seen on a white guy. So after that, I told my boss I was sick. I suddenly became very, very ill. Very ill. She was dick sick, honey. And then I put up two more posters on a pole, and then he took me to the Century Plaza. We fucked for like, 13 hours. Next weekend, he bought me a pair of jeans. And then I was like, oh, this is my man. Flew me to San Fernandez.

[Nicole Byer]

We fucked for 13 hours, and then he bought me a pair of jeans. I think that's really. What kind of jeans were they? True religion?

[Willem]

No, they were Levi's. But they were customized with my name on the back pockets. It's from the San Francisco Levi's store back when it used to be in Union Square. And they would do the little things.

[Nicole Byer]

That's actually really sweet.

[Willem]

It really was.

[Nicole Byer]

So you guys have been together for a really fucking long time?

[Willem]

Oh, no. I left him in 2015.

[Nicole Byer]

Just kidding.

[Willem]

But divorce is a lot. And, like, you have to, like, there's papers. You have to show up somewhere at some point. And I was just like, you know, I'm not gonna do it. We only got married because it was, like, gonna be illegal at some point, we thought. And then they did make it illegal, so we were like, well, we should be part of the wave.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Willem]

And there was no ceremony. It was me in a Tammy Wynette shirt said, stand by your man. He was in a cardinal's jersey. And then the little person that married us and then I did blow him in the parking lot there.

[Nicole Byer]

I like it. It's a wedding. That's nice. It's a wedding. It's a celebration.

[Willem]

Some people throw rice, I throw throat.

[Nicole Byer]

That was funny. I liked it.

[Willem]

Yes, you can have it.

[Nicole Byer]

So you were only married till 2015. Was it a messy divorce? Do you mind?

[Willem]

It wasn't messy. I kept Blanca. She's my housekeeper since 2003, so it wasn't messy for me. Everything stayed very tidy.

[Nicole Byer]

I see where we went with that.

[Willem]

Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Willem]

But it was definitely. We had, like, no contact for a while, and he and I were not seeing eye to eye on things, and now we're friends, and he's one of my best friend's lawyers. And, yeah, he's a good guy.

[Nicole Byer]

I love that that comes.

[Willem]

He's still my lawyer, too.

[Nicole Byer]

Really?

[Willem]

Oh, yeah. He's a great fucking lawyer.

[Nicole Byer]

I love that. That came full circle. It's like we love each other. We're getting married. We're not seeing eye to eye on shit. But then we, like, figured it out. Because there was something in the beginning that was special and good, and you got back to it.

[Willem]

You know what it was? He's a lawyer. And lawyers are very good at two things. Cocaine and lying.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh.

[Willem]

And when one affects the other, then it's just too much, and then you can't take it. So you leave and you move to Englewood. Oh, yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

But you're not in Inglewood anymore.

[Willem]

No, now I'm in. So I'm right down the street. I'm at, like, where. Honk, honk.

[Nicole Byer]

Don't tell these people where you live.

[Willem]

You're right about that.

[Nicole Byer]

We'll edit that out. I'm in Silver Lake. Are you dating right now?

[Willem]

No, I'm doing a podcast. But.

[Nicole Byer]

Well, when you leave, will you be dating someone? Were you dating someone before this podcast?

[Willem]

I keep my options open.

[Nicole Byer]

I like that your phone's on a leash.

[Willem]

Oh, baby. I lose too many things. But literally. Okay. Trade, trade, trade. Three of them in a row. It's like they could smell it when I put on the drive and one said, why fuck pussy and deal with girls? Lol. So many hot young femboy faggots to use and he's just sending me these pictures. Oh, and funny thing is, he also used to be Laganja's trade.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh.

[Willem]

So one day I see someone walking up, like, hey. Then I see him go next door and I was like, oh, it's like that little miss likes to do splits on dicks. And then the next one he's. Well, he's got an Emmy, so I might keep fucking him.

[Nicole Byer]

He's got a nice tushy.

[Willem]

Oh, yeah, he does.

[Nicole Byer]

It's like a bubble.

[Willem]

This one he gets real flagrant and wordy. He's like, send me some stuff. I'm feral. I was like, how is that anything to do with me?

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah, that's your business.

[Willem]

Like, I'm sorry, I'm not your personal porn, like, vending machine. And then he keeps trying to fuck Courtney. He's like, why won't Courtney fuck me? I'm like, I don't fucking know. I show.

[Nicole Byer]

I really love that y' all are just passing these. These little. These little men around.

[Willem]

Yeah, well, if I'm not here and my sister is and she wants some dick and these fucking ponces always want pussy, why not pass them on?

[Nicole Byer]

Sharing is caring.

[Willem]

It really is. And if I know he's good at it and he can make my sister happy, why not?

[Nicole Byer]

I love that.

[Willem]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

That's simply not how I ever think.

[Willem]

I'm one of those girls that I think when you come to la, you call if you need something, because if you need. Like, where do I get six ply ostrich? Where do I get shrooms? Where do I, you know, find a guy that can make me forget my problems for an hour? What's a nice park for a picnic?

[Nicole Byer]

Where would you get the ostrich from?

[Willem]

The ostrich? No, I'd either get it from mother Plucker or. Or the feather place.

[Nicole Byer]

Is it just called the feather place?

[Willem]

Uh huh.

[Nicole Byer]

I don't even know how to work with feathers. I'm very. I'm a novice at sewing.

[Willem]

Okay, well, featherwork it can be no sew because you can just use glue or E6000.

[Nicole Byer]

What's E6000?

[Willem]

E6000 is this toxic adherent that if you don't use it in a ventilated room, you get like lightheaded and headachy, which is one of the perks. Yeah, I was about to say gem tac. Don't do that shit seems a little fun. Just a little bit. Shut the door. Put a towel under.

[Nicole Byer]

Shut that door. Let me get a little.

[Willem]

I love feathers, though. And especially ostrich. It elevates anything. This is turkey, but, like, it's abundant enough that it doesn't look thin, you know?

[Nicole Byer]

No, it doesn't look thin.

[Willem]

It's not all Joey J. Chicken feathers. First season

[Nicole Byer]

when you got on Drag Race. Wait, you were married? So was your relationship open when you were married?

[Willem]

We played together a lot. I'm not opening food, I'm opening jewelry. But we definitely had throuples.

[Nicole Byer]

Do you want me to open it?

[Willem]

We had one for like.

[Nicole Byer]

You got it.

[Willem]

We had one for like 18 months and then we had another one for. Oh, really? Really?

[Nicole Byer]

Does it not fit?

[Willem]

It doesn't light up.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, gotta open a second one.

[Willem]

You always bring it back up. Same thing with trade. You gotta schedule two because they're flaky.

[Nicole Byer]

So when you're scheduling two at a time, how much of a gap are you leaving between each. Each boy.

[Willem]

They're men, okay? And if you do a 130, you know, and you, you know it's not going to be working out for the next guy. Like, it's a one and done. Mr. 130 is doing his job. You cancel the other guy or you be like, oh, hey, roommate just got home. Sorry. Whatever, leave him alone. So I would say, oh, 45 minutes in between.

[Nicole Byer]

Honestly, that's a good amount of time.

[Willem]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Do you want me to see? Do I. You just squeeze it.

[Willem]

Yeah, there's a little button. I don't know why they don't work.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, no.

[Willem]

House of Bezos.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, House of Bezos, is it?

[Willem]

No, Nothing.

[Nicole Byer]

Well, real quick, we gotta take a break. Check it out. Comedy royalty Kate McKinnon returns as Queen Mortruana in Heads Will Roll Heir Apparent, the highly anticipated sequel to Audible's fan favorite original comedy series. She's flanked once more by co star Emily Lynn and a new star studded ensemble including Richard Kine, Laurie Metcalf, Jimmy Fallon, Megan Mil, Holly, Sam Richardson and Carrie Coon. This is wall to wall comedy at its highest level. When we last left our gloriously unhinged queen and her Raven sidekick JoJo, the unlikely besties had fled to the woods for a simpler life. Well, it didn't last. Queen Mo is back on the throne, an heir apparent and facing her greatest challenge yet. Produce an heir before her 40th birthday or lose everything and spend eternity as keeper of the ministry. It's a very sticky sitch meanwhile, JoJo's botched wing enhancement surgery turns her into a tote, leading to an unexpected interspecies romance with a choice between royal duty and normal life. With her thrown on the line, Mo and JoJo embark on increasingly unhinged schemes to secure succession. It's part medieval mayhem, part razor sharp social commentary. Don't miss a moment of Kate McKinnon and a killer cast in Heads Will Roll Heir apparently seat a child or seat the throne. Listen to Heads Will Roll Heir Apparent. Available now on audible. Go to audible.comheadswellrollseries to start listening today. Sometimes, after a terrible first date where a guy talks about himself for two straight hours, all you want to do is come home and pour yourself a nice glass of wine. But staring at the wine aisle trying to guess what's good based on labels is a whole other headache. But you just take a quick quiz and they send personalized, award winning bottles that you will love for way less than retail prices. Every box comes with tasting notes and pairing suggestions right inside. So if I'm putting together a cheese board for friends, I know exactly what to pour. It's like a cheat sheet that makes me look like a wine expert. You completely control your delivery schedule. Need it by Friday? Adjust the timing. Going out of town? Skip a shipment. Plus they have 100% satisfaction guaranteed. It's always nice to have a great bottle ready for a debriefing with my friends about a wild date. And if a bottle does not completely hit the mark, First Leaf has a 100% satisfaction guarantee they will make it right. You definitely do not get that kind of service buying wine at the grocery store first Leaf just makes it incredibly simple. Stop settling for wines that don't quite hit the mark. Head to try firstleaf.com date me to sign up and you'll get 50% off your first box plus free shipping for an entire year. That's T R Y F I R S T L e a f.com date me. Try firstly.com date me the other day I got a text message saying a package couldn't be delivered to me because my address was missing an apartment number. But I live in a house. But I immediately went into a panic trying to figure out what I forgot I ordered. I almost clicked the link before I realized it was just a bunch of random letters and it was a total scam. It's wild out there right now. You have to be careful with your information and your money, which is what makes Cash app so great. Keeping your money safe from fraud deserves to be a priority, and Cash App treats it that way. With security law, Cash App requires a successful face ID or biometric authentication to access your account. It's like your money is being protected by your own personal bodyguard, even if your phone is lost or stolen. Plus, if you're about to send money to someone new and Cash App notices something looks a bit off or that you might be falling for a scam, it'll send you a warning before the money is sent to confirm that everything looks right. Turn on security, lock in your Cash App settings today and pay attention to scam warnings to keep your money safe from fraud. Learn more at Cash App Security. New Cash App Customers can earn $10 if they use code Secure10 in their profile at signup and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Visit Cash App Legal Podcast for full disclosures. Do people, like, get in your DMs and like, they're like, hey, you want to let me come over?

[Willem]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Do people send you whole pics?

[Willem]

It's usually if they send me a whole pic, they're barking up the wrong tree.

[Nicole Byer]

Ah, yeah. You're not a whole gal.

[Willem]

I mean, I'll eat it if it's there and it's delicious, but it's never, like, first on my list. I'm usually looking for what else is on the charcuterie platter first. Maybe a cured meat.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Willem]

Nothing cheesy.

[Nicole Byer]

Nothing cheesy.

[Willem]

And some nuts. I think, like, if you're confident enough to say this is what you're getting, and you know that it will make my mouth water and my pin drop. Do it. Take your shoot. Your shot. You miss 100% of the shots you do not take.

[Nicole Byer]

Who said that?

[Willem]

My dad.

[Nicole Byer]

But I feel like a famous person said it. Like Patrick Swayze or something.

[Willem]

Probably.

[Nicole Byer]

I don't know. But are you looking for a relationship or are you just, like, living and loving being single?

[Willem]

That part.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Willem]

I was with a guy from 19 to 33, so I never had, like, a wild N out phase. And I wouldn't say I'm wild. I pretty. I'm. I'm okay in domestic situations, but I definitely like not having to worry about somebody else's needs ahead of mine, which is why I don't have pets right now.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes, I have a dog, and sometimes I'm like, oh, I just want to, like, go somewhere. And it's like, oh, wait, I have to figure out who's going to watch him? Who's going to do X, Y, and Z? That's why I can't have a kid.

[Willem]

I tried to do that.

[Nicole Byer]

You try to have a kid?

[Willem]

I've done artificial insemination twice. We did ivf. I've done it three times now. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Huh.

[Willem]

One was. The last time was right around Covid.

[Nicole Byer]

Really?

[Willem]

So we got. We got embryos. None more viable.

[Nicole Byer]

Do you want to have children?

[Willem]

Yeah. I don't think I'd keep trying if I didn't want to.

[Nicole Byer]

You know what?

[Willem]

Fair. Yeah. But, like, I keep swallowing,

[Nicole Byer]

and a baby can't grow in the dummy. You said. Wait. Do you want to raise a child by yourself, or do you.

[Willem]

No. Because, like, pets. It's a.

[Nicole Byer]

Who would you be raising?

[Willem]

It's been three different people. We tried it with my old partner and my cousin. Old partner and my sister and then a friend out here.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, okay.

[Willem]

Who runs a makeup company.

[Nicole Byer]

I hope you get the baby that you want.

[Willem]

Oh, my God. I hope I get two.

[Nicole Byer]

You want two?

[Willem]

Yeah. Oh, my. Yeah. So I don't want to raise a kid who can't, like, blame shit on their siblings. I need these kids to learn how to lie.

[Nicole Byer]

I want my children to lie.

[Kyle Mooney]

Yeah.

[Willem]

They're gonna live in Hollywood. They need to learn it's all a lie. Keep building your studios for nobody to film anything in them.

[Nicole Byer]

That I don't get.

[Kyle Mooney]

Girl.

[Willem]

That one on Santa Monica Boulevard. They knocked down that good old abandoned Sears for nothing.

[Nicole Byer]

It's so big.

[Willem]

What are they gonna film there?

[Nicole Byer]

I don't know.

[Willem]

Actors, access reels. Jesus Christ.

[Nicole Byer]

But I'm like, whoever's running for mayor, Nthea and Karen, I'm like, why isn't it important for you to bring back productions here? It feels crazy that, like, they're not talking about it more. I'm like. There's whole lineages of, like, grips. There's, like, families who've been in the business for years. There's people who fucking moved here. There's people with, like, warehouses full of costumes that they don't get to use because we're not shooting shit here. It's crazy. You go to a lot and it's empty.

[Willem]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And it's like, I moved here 10 years ago, and that was not the case 10 years ago. And now it's. I don't know. It's so crazy.

[Willem]

In 2015, there were over 33,000 active days on sets live in LA. In 2025, that number was just over 17,000. So in a decade Our business has almost been decimated by half and that trickles down to everybody in production, including, like, the people that cater.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

Oh, one. Once a month. We'll get a coffee truck on set. Those coffee trucks. No more on set. No break. Top of show.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

No parking. You have to park in the lemon lot. You can't even get on Paramount.

[Nicole Byer]

It's really fucking wild.

[Willem]

Yeah, it is.

[Nicole Byer]

It's such a bummer.

[Willem]

The movie stars do tv, so the guest star roles are now cos. And then, like, you take what you can get, where you can get it, and

[Nicole Byer]

then you have a lot of TV people now doing Broadway. And then it's like, well, we're the Broadway people. And then, like, commercial work is all like. It just sucks.

[Willem]

Yeah. And that's why we have to write our own way out and make our own breaks and do all that stuff. And I'm trying to do that. It's just really hard with all the drugs and dicks around.

[Nicole Byer]

What's your drug of choice?

[Willem]

Shrooms.

[Nicole Byer]

I love shrooms.

[Willem]

Shrooms? Pot poppers, Molly. I don't like to sniff stuff. It tastes so bad. I don't know how it tastes good.

[Nicole Byer]

It hits you in the back of the throat and it's a little while to keep doing all night.

[Willem]

Yeah, I can't. And then also, I think that's it.

[Nicole Byer]

I really like shrooms.

[Willem]

Me too. In the desert in Palm Springs.

[Beck Bennett]

Lovely.

[Willem]

In a pool, looking up at a disco ball.

[Nicole Byer]

Lovely. The fave. I also like that you can just micro dose it a little bit. So you can just be a little giggly. Or if you want to see shit, just eat a little more.

[Willem]

Makes the whole day better. You're like, oh, you're an asshole. But I'm fine with that.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes. You're just, like, in a good mood.

[Willem]

It's great. It really is. Everybody should do them. I think teachers should be allowed to do them to deal with students because you can't hit them anymore. They got cameras in the pocket.

[Nicole Byer]

You can't hit him anymore.

[Willem]

My sister's a teacher.

[Nicole Byer]

What grade does she teach?

[Willem]

Florida Special Ed or. Sorry. Special. It's not. They don't call it that no more.

[Nicole Byer]

My sister does that too.

[Willem]

Really? What do they call it? L L D or something?

[Nicole Byer]

Something. I don't know.

[Willem]

Yeah. I don't fucking know.

[Nicole Byer]

But yeah. Patience of a fucking saint.

[Willem]

I could never.

[Nicole Byer]

Me either. I just couldn't teach. I couldn't teach special ed or the mainstream class. Like, I just couldn't because kids are so rude now. So Fucking rude.

[Willem]

Like, it's because you can't hit them and they don't have fear anymore. Like, I got beat growing up, so I had manners and I was allowed to. I knew when to be polite. But, like, honestly, these kids are crazy now.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah. My friend's daughter is very well behaved. She's a great kid. But I, like, picked her up from school, and I was like, how was school? And she was like, fine. And I had to be like, we know each other. Let's have a conversation.

[Willem]

Yeah, get off your phone.

[Nicole Byer]

I would love to hear about how your day was top to bottom, even if it's not interesting to you. And she like, oh, yeah, okay. And then she's like, we started having a conversation. I was like, nobody says this to people anymore. It's like the. When people talk about the Gen Z stare, all you just got to do is, hey, I'm talking to you. And they kind of snap out of it. But whatever, girl life.

[Willem]

These kids don't know how to make friends. They don't know how to do anything. They only know how to text. And. Which is fine. But you know what real friends do? They don't text. They buy tickets.

[Nicole Byer]

Ooh. Oh. Oh, my God. How fun.

[Willem]

Isn't it random that I. I can't

[Nicole Byer]

believe you still have this.

[Willem]

Well, it's because I'm saving those eye stickers to use. And it was in my makeup kit yesterday, and I was like, I'm doing this tomorrow. I don't know how many years ago it was. When you were at the Wallace.

[Nicole Byer]

No, I was at the Wallace Theater, 7pm Friday, October, 2024.

[Willem]

Oh, there you go.

[Nicole Byer]

That's wild.

[Willem]

Yeah, it was a good show.

[Nicole Byer]

Thank you.

[Willem]

Yeah. Friends buy tickets.

[Nicole Byer]

Friends do buy tickets. And I was in a phase where I was like, ugh, I simply could never see another show. But now I like, I'll go. I'll pop in. I'll see my friend. I'll leave. But it's nice to see, like, a friendly face in the crowd.

[Willem]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And, like, I did a show last night, and Trixie came, and I was like, how nice. Yeah, that was. You didn't have to come. And she was like, well, I wanted to see it. And I was like, oh, okay.

[Willem]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And it's just.

[Willem]

I think I'm going to Meatball and Dipper's show tonight at the Improv or something.

[Nicole Byer]

UCB. Yeah, it was yesterday.

[Willem]

Oh, I'm not going. Oops. I meant to.

[Nicole Byer]

We were actually talking about you last night because I did the show. And I was like, someone who was. I think Trixie was like, oh, you should have Willem do it, because Willem would be so fun. But that's so funny that you're like, I'm going tonight. You're not. You simply are not.

[Willem]

That is the most me thing.

[Nicole Byer]

Unless it's a different show tonight. But if it was improv. It was last night.

[Willem]

Yeah, I think it was.

[Nicole Byer]

But you know what? The intention. That's what counts. That's lovely.

[Willem]

I think Meatball is like the great white hope. I think she's the crossover for drag.

[Nicole Byer]

I think she's so funny.

[Willem]

She's the funniest person. And I love working with her. And I leave wigs at the studio that I want her to wear. And she just keeps wearing the same fucking one.

[Nicole Byer]

That big blonde one.

[Willem]

That one. Yeah. She won't wash the blush out of the ends.

[Nicole Byer]

Get her. That's. She's such a hard worker.

[Willem]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

She's so funny. And she's also just a very reliable friend.

[Willem]

Yes, she is.

[Nicole Byer]

We just need to, like, be. Be like that. Like, just be reliable.

[Willem]

If more people just, like, did what they said they were gonna do.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Willem]

And weren't assholes.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

They would probably garner better gifts from the universe than what karma is allowing them to receive now. Cause she throws great parties. She's not an asshole.

[Nicole Byer]

Nope.

[Willem]

She's super inclusive. Yeah. I can't think of much bad about her.

[Nicole Byer]

No. I did say to her, I was like, you're one of my worst behaved friends. She was like, me, I win. And I was like, yep, you win.

[Willem]

She's crazy.

[Kyle Mooney]

I love her.

[Willem]

She reminds me of me with more liability factor because she has, like, wrecking ball capacity.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, yeah.

[Willem]

Where I have whirling dervish capacity.

[Nicole Byer]

That's really funny. Yes.

[Willem]

Two different kinds of chaos.

[Nicole Byer]

What's one of the, like, worst dates you've been on?

[Willem]

Okay. I was interviewing to find a place to live when I was 19. Out here, Mid Wilshire. We're in the first floor apartment of this place. All of a sudden I see a flash go by the window and then a dog yelping. A dog had jumped from the second story window, A greyhound, down to the first floor. And the guy interviewing me for the place owned the place and then rented out the spot upstairs. He was looking for a new tenant. The dog fucked its leg up bad, which sucked. Cause I was in the middle of blowing the guy because I really wanted this place. Then I was like, this dog sounds like it's in a lot of pain. Like I have some Vicodin. Let me give it like a chip, like a half. He's like, you can't give a dog Vicodin. I was like, they do it all the time.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah, I think you can.

[Willem]

They do it to, like, when they have heart problems, to clear out their heart. It's like a blood thinner or something. Or they give dogs Viagra when they have heart problems.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, really?

[Willem]

Yeah. When my dog died, I kept his whole prescription to give it to trade. So I didn't get that place. And it wasn't really a date. But, like, while you're blowing someone to have something happen where you're like, what the. And then the dog yelping, you're like, did I bite him? Oh, that's not even me or him. That's from the outside. And then you're like, I'm not getting this place. After he looks at you like you're a crackhead.

[Nicole Byer]

Because you getting this place.

[Willem]

You try to give drugs to a dog who's clearly in pain, though. It's not like I was pushing it. So that was probably my worst, worst date. I'm also currently maybe being ghosted by. Oh, yeah, because we matched on Raya and we've been talking.

[Beck Bennett]

Oh,

[Nicole Byer]

mmm.

[Willem]

Yeah. So we've been talking. I went to a show in New York last week, but I want the dick.

[Nicole Byer]

I would like to hear about the dick.

[Willem]

Whose dick is it anyway?

[Nicole Byer]

Well, now you whispered the name, but he won't know. I don't know. That's a good clue.

[Willem]

Is it? They might think I'm fucking Drew Carey.

[Nicole Byer]

I did a panel with Drew Carey, and he was talking about how he owns a soccer team and something he. I think he owns a soccer team. And then somebody asked him why he took the price of prices, right? And he started talking about, like, how it's, like, iconic this, that, and the other. And they're like, nicole, why'd you take Nailed it? And I was like, cause I don't have soccer team money. Because they said, do you want to work? And I said, yes. But it was just very funny to be like, some people are on a different fucking level.

[Willem]

You're just doing it for the cake.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm just so hungry. I just want some sweets. It was before I was diagnosed with diabetes.

[Willem]

Got a girl.

[Nicole Byer]

What's one of the best dates you've been on?

[Willem]

Probably one of the best dates I've been on was. I think his name is Levi, and I think he lives in Brazil now. But it was just really, really, really good sex. Where he had already come. I thought we were done. He's like, no, get back on the bed. And I was just like. The way he had said it and then the way it doesn't sound tender, but if someone's fucking you, doggy, and they put their foot on the back of your neck.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh.

[Willem]

Because they're trying to brace you for what's about to come, baby. Get ready. I have a headboard that I'm putting handlebars on. Like those old low school cholo rider handlebars. I'm getting them from my headboard.

[Nicole Byer]

And who do you get to install that?

[Willem]

Me.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, are you a handy dandy gal?

[Willem]

Yeah. I redid the whole dressing room at precinct with Alex.

[Nicole Byer]

You did a good job.

[Willem]

Yeah, I did.

[Nicole Byer]

I was just there and I was like, huh, that looks nice.

[Willem]

Looks better, right?

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

Better mirrors, better lights, cup holders, a fan. Yeah, I. Very handy. My dad taught me how to do stuff.

[Nicole Byer]

My dad only taught me how to change my oil.

[Willem]

That's handy, though. Think of all the hundreds of thousands of dollars you will save in your life.

[Nicole Byer]

I never do it. I never, ever do it.

[Willem]

But you can.

[Nicole Byer]

I can. And I can change a tire.

[Willem]

That's even more important. Because people that can't change tires, it's like, oh, you just want to waste two and a half hours for AAA to maybe find you.

[Nicole Byer]

And it's really easy. It's like, easy in a way that, like, you're kind of dumb if you don't know how to do it.

[Willem]

The tools that you use to do it are called in textbooks, simple machines. Yes, they are simple. They have one to two parts. And that's. That's all.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah. And you just jack it. Twist, twist, twist. Pull. Put on twist, twist, twist, twist, twist. Lower the jack and you're done.

[Willem]

That's literally how I get in drag.

[Nicole Byer]

Kind of jack it up.

[Willem]

Jack it up. Twist, twist, twist. Little twist of lemon or lime?

[Nicole Byer]

I want to hear about more dates you've been on.

[Willem]

Okay. There's an app called Sniffies. Do you know about that?

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

There's another one called Jakt.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, I don't know.

[Willem]

Jacked Jack is great. J, A, C, K, apostrophe D. Okay.

[Nicole Byer]

And what is. What's so Sniffys is like a map. A map of dicks.

[Willem]

Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

What is the premise of jackd?

[Willem]

Jacked is more like Grindr.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, okay.

[Willem]

Which Grindr is just too. Not what I'm looking for. Jacked is better. I also go out of town on dates and match with people on Raya. And like, just try it out. Yeah, Miami was. I was at Soho House, Miami.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay?

[Willem]

And this guy came over and when he got there, it was already my other friend was there. So we all just went out to, I think it was the boardwalk. And we just like hung out there, picked up a stripper at the boardwalk. And what I thought was gonna be a three way turned into a four way with a stripper.

[Nicole Byer]

I think my favorite thing about all these dates is the math. The math. And none of them are like. So it started at this restaurant, we went to the movies.

[Willem]

It never starts at a restaurant with gay dates. Because we have to worry about butt fucking.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

Like, you girls have self cleaning models down there. We don't. We have to worry about what we put in. And if we do put something in, ooh, I'll have the bone broth. Because you never know how fast it can move. And like, if you take a modium that could like stop you up so you don't process it. But then you're like T minus how many till I'm Picasso, baby.

[Nicole Byer]

Or a Jackson Pollock.

[Willem]

Yes,

[Nicole Byer]

yes, yes, yes. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?

[Willem]

I could show you better than I could tell you, but can I?

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

Yeah, why not? She won't care.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, it's a video. I don't know what I thought was happening. I was like, are you gonna show me?

[Kyle Mooney]

Show me?

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, yes. Act it out.

[Willem]

This isn't union. Okay, where am I? Oh, I remember. Oh, I'll just show you that because that'll probably explain it. Two words. Brazil.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, that's lovely. That's three dicks hitting the tongue.

[Willem]

Mm.

[Nicole Byer]

When you're doing like threesomes or foursomes, is there ever a point where you feel like you're watching and you're left out? Or do you, like. How do you. How do you delineate who's doing what?

[Willem]

Okay, the best three ways have a star bottom.

[Beck Bennett]

Okay.

[Willem]

That's one person and he's the star. Yes, Both ends, all that. If you go to a four way, it gets more complicated because then people tag up. And if someone's star bottoming, there's a fourth guy. What's he supposed to do with the dishes? Hold the camera. So if it's five, that's when you can have two star bottoms. Because if you have three penetrative partners, then nobody's like an empty well with their fucking thumb trying to hitch something.

[Nicole Byer]

So 5 is the optimal amount of people.

[Willem]

5 is the lowest non common workable Number if you want more than one bottom.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Willem]

Yeah, I think.

[Nicole Byer]

Do you go to sex parties and stuff?

[Willem]

Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

I've never been to one. I keep asking Dipper if he'd let me work the door of one and he won't let.

[Willem]

He won't let me either. And I want to be the cum dump concierge. I think I could run a whole business instead of stop that train. I want to do pull that train and it's me and me fall trying to make everybody's orgy better.

[Nicole Byer]

I was like, I want to take coats. Just like work the coat check and give people just, like little pearls of inspiration, like, I hope you get the dick that you want. Or when you come out, like, did you have a fun time?

[Willem]

Tell me about. Did you wipe your nose after the poppers?

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

Are you Stuff like that?

[Nicole Byer]

What are you doing? Did you. Was there something you wanted to try that you didn't get a chance to.

[Willem]

You know, they toe on Lankershim after four, like those kind of things. That dungeon at 6266 Lankershim. We've all been there.

[Nicole Byer]

I didn't know there was a dungeon on Lankersham.

[Willem]

Oh, yeah, honey. North Hollywood. Everything happens.

[Nicole Byer]

Really?

[Willem]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And what? I've never been to a dungeon. I'm rather vendor.

[Willem]

There's one by the airport too.

[Nicole Byer]

Really? Well, I believe that I did.

[Willem]

And then there's one a glam dungeon. It's like got like red vinyl walls and big cages. I did my Christmas video there. It's lovely.

[Nicole Byer]

What happens in a dungeon, obviously, it's like kink and you're tying people up and shit.

[Willem]

It's not like Game of Thrones like that dungeony. It's just. I think the dungeon implies restraint. Like bars, slings, leather. Possible, like, things to thwack people with like cat O9 tails or like a flogger. The sex parties I go to, there's one by. Have you been on FetLife?

[Nicole Byer]

No.

[Willem]

Fat Life. Fetlife will open up your.

[Nicole Byer]

What's the other one?

[Willem]

Which one?

[Nicole Byer]

Field. I was on field.

[Willem]

Oh, no.

[Nicole Byer]

For a little bit, yeah. But I've heard about.

[Willem]

They didn't add on mom too.

[Nicole Byer]

I was on field before I met my partner. And when I went on it again right before I met him, they were like, you can't be on here. You're impersonating.

[Willem]

And I was like, yeah, I had that on Grindr too.

[Beck Bennett]

Cool.

[Willem]

I am not paying for apps to meet people. And I don't like. I did Bob's podcast Two weeks ago. And he's like, you have ads on Grindr? I was like, you're more concerned about my ads or the fact that you tried to fuck me on there and now you won't fuck me in person? Because he didn't see my face and he saw everything else, and he wanted it. Fuck Cracker fucks all these little skinny faggot twinks, and he won't fuck me.

[Nicole Byer]

That's rude.

[Willem]

Well, he did invite me to game night, which is better. I'd rather.

[Nicole Byer]

Game night is fun at Bob's.

[Willem]

Yeah, I want to go to that.

[Nicole Byer]

You gotta come to one, and then

[Willem]

maybe I'll, like, blow him or something. Like, why doesn't he want to fuck me?

[Nicole Byer]

I. You know, maybe he does.

[Willem]

Maybe.

[Nicole Byer]

Or maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship.

[Willem]

He's not that friendly to me. He did my makeup, and he told me he was colorblind after.

[Nicole Byer]

That's actually very fucking funny. Oh, my God, that's so funny.

[Willem]

What's funny is it wasn't even the worst makeup job I've ever had. It wasn't that bad. But Jacob, his assistant slash slam piece was like, you don't see the. Bob's like, what? He's like, no, I'm colorblind. I was like, what?

[Nicole Byer]

That's so funny.

[Willem]

Put the brush down.

[Nicole Byer]

That's so funny.

[Willem]

And he was painting me for me to wear. Kennedy's. Trey didn't like the session. Crystal as hooker Phoenix. Cause I bought that outfit.

[Nicole Byer]

You did?

[Willem]

Oh, yeah. That's like my.

[Nicole Byer]

Do you still have it?

[Willem]

Yeah, that's my Jackie O, like, pink suit. That's. I. I cherish that.

[Nicole Byer]

Crystallize out of after a night or. I love.

[Willem]

What happened was Trey didn't like recession, so he had gutted me, but I had crystallized, and now I'm a glamazon. Ready for the Runway.

[Nicole Byer]

I love her so much.

[Willem]

Me too.

[Nicole Byer]

I love the RuPaul challenge on all Stars.

[Willem]

Lip syncing where she was holding up

[Nicole Byer]

the signs and she was so fucking funny.

[Willem]

I like any girl that works outside of the parameters given Kennedy with that Joey J. With his own sound machine. Not asking permission, just doing it.

[Kyle Mooney]

Yes, Doing it.

[Willem]

Don't give them a chance to say no. I love the Davenports. You should meet Kalexis Kennedy collectus. Davenport is the matriarch of all. Oh, she is basic. She's Cracker's mother. Monet's mother, Shangela Kennedy Sahara. She's the Davenport of the Davenports.

[Nicole Byer]

Well, she did a very good job.

[Willem]

She really did. She's wonderful.

[Nicole Byer]

Like, all of those girls are so incredible.

[Willem]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Ugh. I love good drag, but I also love crunchy bad drag.

[Willem]

Oh, me too.

[Nicole Byer]

Ugh. I just like when someone takes a chance and they're like this.

[Willem]

Not cover my brows.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Willem]

Soft. My whole early career. Nip tuck.

[Nicole Byer]

Why or when did you like, I feel like early in your career. Very natural.

[Willem]

Yeah. And then. Cause that's what they wanted on television, which is where I was living and working. They wanted my face to clearly tell the story that I was born a man.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

So it was the natural brows. A little bit of something in my head. I was booking all these parts because I was the fishiest fish that ever fished. In reality, it was because I was not Cinderella. I was a cinder block. I was hard, honey, hard.

[Nicole Byer]

Just a little hard.

[Willem]

But it told the story for what it needed for those purposes at the time. And now I don't hook no more on tv. I do it in real life off my Onlyfans.

[Nicole Byer]

And I love that you have an Onlyfans.

[Willem]

Oh, yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

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[Beck Bennett]

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett.

[Kyle Mooney]

I thought I was Beck Bennett.

[Beck Bennett]

No, no, no, no.

[Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney.

[Beck Bennett]

Sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good.

[Kyle Mooney]

Thanks buddy.

[Beck Bennett]

Ye show what's our podcast here on Headgum?

[Kyle Mooney]

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick ass person online.

[Beck Bennett]

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[Kyle Mooney]

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[Beck Bennett]

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[Kyle Mooney]

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[Beck Bennett]

I don't, I like that I don't have to go around, you know, like different stores or something. It's just all, well, it's like, oh,

[Kyle Mooney]

do I need to go to like a, do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or like another type of website to

[Beck Bennett]

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[Kyle Mooney]

Oh, let's come up with a domain right now. Let's see. I wonder if it exists.

[Beck Bennett]

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[Kyle Mooney]

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[Beck Bennett]

that's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.com headgum for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code HEADGUM. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it.

[Nicole Byer]

And we're back. I do want to go back to Dungeons.

[Willem]

Dungeons.

[Nicole Byer]

So do you have to be invited to a Dungeon and Dragons?

[Willem]

I used to work the door, so I never had to be invited. Now I find the dungeon parties on FetLife. There's a guy named Cosmo who throws all these parties, and. Is this gonna sound racist? We might have to cut this. Okay, but. And I've noticed a cross section between guys that like drag queens. They also like BBWs and Asian women. Oh, enough. So that one of my big girlfriends, Lindsey, she was having a big girl party at her house for Halloween, and one of her big girlfriends, his boyfriend. Her boyfriend hit on me. And I told her about it after, and she's like, oh, it's fine. You know, they love us. And I was like, us? And they're like, yeah, big girls and T girls. She didn't say that, but I was like, really?

[Nicole Byer]

I didn't know that.

[Willem]

I started noticing the cross section. Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh. Huh.

[Willem]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

Interesting. People like what they like.

[Willem]

They do, and I'm happy they do.

[Nicole Byer]

And then how did you start your Onlyfans?

[Willem]

The Onlyfans started because I just needed more revenue streams because stuff is changing in Hollywood and the residuals aren't happening like they used to. And I figured, I'm Airbnb. I have a podcast. I do rentals for my studio space. I, you know, do the touring. I have YouTube, but I still wasn't making shit meat. So I was like, only, what do you have that you can exploit? My pussy. So I show people my hole, and then if they ask for videos or whatever, I try to. What's the word? Fulfill, if I can. Yeah.

[Kyle Mooney]

Okay.

[Willem]

It's just one of those things where I was just like, if people want to look at it, why not open up that door for them to pay me to look at it?

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Willem]

So it's not like tons of money, but some months it's a couple thousand. And I'm like, I'll take that.

[Nicole Byer]

That's Nice.

[Willem]

I got my monthly before I wake up just for mortgages and rent, because I have two mortgages, and then I have a rental in Hollywood is over 10k. It's actually right now, it's because I'm trying to refinance. One. 83 plus 50. 83 plus now 62. That's 14. That's 15. Oh, my God, that hurts. It's 18.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, my God.

[Willem]

My studio rental in Hollywood started at $2,750. Every year, they've moved it up the max amount that they're legally allowed.

[Nicole Byer]

That fucking sucks.

[Willem]

Now it's 3680. I've been there 10 years. My mortgage at my house in Silver Lake is 8,600 because I refinanced it when I hurt my back, and I didn't know that the payment went up. I thought they'd just give you more months. At the end, when you take out money, that's not how that works. And then my Palm Springs mortgage is like five something, so.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, Lord.

[Willem]

Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot.

[Nicole Byer]

It's wild that when you refinance, they didn't walk you through all the steps of it.

[Willem]

They did. I didn't listen.

[Nicole Byer]

That's funny.

[Willem]

My ex was there. He's a lawyer. You just sign your name 3700times, and then you see you get something new in the mail where you're like, wait, this is my new payment. I was like, I was just planning to give them more at the end. Like more months. And you don't get to make that decision.

[Nicole Byer]

No. So banks are wild and they're all bad, and they act like they want to help you, and they don't. They just want to take your fucking money.

[Willem]

Oh, you don't have $3,000 in your account this month? We're going to take 16.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

And we're going to take $16 every month. You don't have three grand. Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

Which is why. Why do I have to have a minimum amount of money in my bank account? It's my money. You're just holding it for me.

[Willem]

Hate it.

[Nicole Byer]

It's fucking rude.

[Kyle Mooney]

It really is.

[Nicole Byer]

Willem, do you have any advice for single people out there?

[Willem]

I do. My advice for single people is before you try to get into a relationship is you have to be enough for yourself. You have to want yourself enough and know that you're worth something enough to be a part of someone else's life in a beneficial way. You don't need someone to fix you. You don't need someone to complete you. You need to be enough on your own. And if you're not, lie to yourself and then others.

[Nicole Byer]

I like the theme of this is math and lying.

[Willem]

I mean, I've been lying on my back most of my career and the numbers keep going up.

[Nicole Byer]

I was introducing my partner to somebody and I was like, I have a boyfriend. Can you believe it? And then my friend was like, yeah, Nicole, I can. And I was like, huh? Yeah, okay, yeah, you're pretty great.

[Willem]

Why wouldn't you have a boyfriend?

[Nicole Byer]

Exactly. And sometimes I know I'm enough alone. I know that I'm a good person. But then sometimes I'm like, but am I worthy of this nice relationship? Am I worthy of this nice person in my life? And I always have to go, stop doing that. Yes, you are worthy. You do deserve this. This is nice.

[Willem]

Yeah, I. I'm glad that you found happiness too.

[Nicole Byer]

Well, thank you so much.

[Willem]

Cause you know you can't spell happiness without a penis. Try. Oh, there's an E, there's a P. Yeah. There's an N, there's an I, there's

[Nicole Byer]

an S. Uh huh. I mean, penis is nice.

[Willem]

It is.

[Nicole Byer]

I do love a nice dick.

[Willem]

We got any grips around here?

[Nicole Byer]

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

[Willem]

Look, this is the least sausage party place I've ever seen. Oh, wait, there's two guys. They don't look like they know what they're doing.

[Nicole Byer]

No, they actually really do.

[Willem]

One does and the other is just looking around, hand in his pockets.

[Nicole Byer]

I don't know. I don't think either one of them quite know what they're doing.

[Willem]

What are they climbing? Where is he going?

[Nicole Byer]

He's going to the sky.

[Willem]

There's nothing. Even light bulbs.

[Nicole Byer]

If you're listening. There's just a nice man on a ladder. What's the thing that you hope happens in the next year for yourself? What are you manifesting?

[Willem]

Okay, my personal tranifest destiny is. Love's a Drag is going to get picked up by a major network such as Comedy Central or something, and they are going to order 26 episodes.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes, a full season.

[Willem]

And then I'm not going to blow any more of the contestants anymore.

[Nicole Byer]

Is that because it's a conflict of interest?

[Willem]

No, it's just a lot of work.

[Nicole Byer]

Wait, tell us a little bit about Love is a Drag. You host it with Raja.

[Willem]

Raja's my lieutenant, my correspondent in the field. We get three guys, forcibly feminize them so they can see what women have to go through to meet Unrealistic beauty expectations. And then they compete for a date with a lovely young girl or lovely young woman. And one of them wins and they win the date. And then the other two, they have to take off their drag and then they go home. Sometimes they get a blowjob. But Marco, Marco does the costumes. Or a sexton is one of the makeup artists. Raja's there. It's a really gay production. So that's why I don't feel like they're using me for a straight people dating show trope. Because this does make guys more sympathetic and better in general once they realize what women are doing.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

Why? Or like, why their razors cost more? Because of the pink tax. Guys don't know that.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah. And it's kind of crazy.

[Willem]

It is tampons being taxed. That's crazy.

[Nicole Byer]

The fact that, like, tampons aren't in restrooms for free is fucking wild to me. Yeah, it's so I'm like, just have them. Like, it's a thing that I can't control. And it's like you have toilet paper, so why not? Why not tampons? Because it just affects, you know, like half the population. But it's like, that's half the population. Yeah, it's fucking wild.

[Willem]

It really is. So after dating is a drag, or loves a drag, goes viral and gets picked up, I'll probably, hmm, get a brow lift. Oh, I think I'm gonna get a brow lift. I'm gonna go to Brooklyn's guy. I just want my eyes a little. Just a little open.

[Nicole Byer]

Have you had other surgeries?

[Willem]

When I was 19, I had lipo a lot. And then when I was 20, I had a little more under here. Cause you gain a little bit of weight after, and then you're like, oh, I'm so thin. And then all of a sudden you're like, these boots won't zip because my calves gained an inch. And then my face is a fucking jack o' lantern. So.

[Nicole Byer]

But when you get liposuction, does it? The fat doesn't come back in that spot or does it?

[Willem]

So when you get liposuction, when you get fat, when you gain weight, the fat cells that you have expand. So when the fat cells need to expand and there's no fat cells there to expand elsewhere, will expand more and you'll gain weight in an area that you normally aren't predisposed to gain weight in. All my weight goes to my ass now.

[Nicole Byer]

See, that's nice.

[Willem]

I'm fine with that.

[Nicole Byer]

That's nice.

[Willem]

Yeah, nobody's complaining.

[Nicole Byer]

A nice little juicy boot, baby.

[Willem]

If the, if the burger is bigger than the bun, they're still eating it.

[Nicole Byer]

I've never heard that one before and I really like it.

[Willem]

It's true.

[Nicole Byer]

But that's my favorite kind of burger.

[Willem]

When there's like a little extra meat on the edge. Yeah, yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

It's like a little crispy.

[Willem]

Yeah. Not like White Castle soggy.

[Nicole Byer]

No, no, I don't like White Castle. It upsets me. I don't know how people eat it.

[Willem]

It's. There's no textural component that makes me gasp other than the pickle. And if I'm getting excited over a pickle, Wrong party.

[Nicole Byer]

Wrong party. I'm not a pickle hound. I don't like pickles.

[Willem]

I love pickles.

[Nicole Byer]

People love them, but not those thin

[Willem]

little white Castle pickles. Oh yeah, I'll get a fucking fat garlic dill.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh no, Mars, do you like pickles?

[Willem]

I do.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah, people love them and everyone looks like they're really having a nice time and I just don't like them.

[Willem]

Do you like pickled onions?

[Nicole Byer]

No, I don't like pickled anything.

[Willem]

Oh, okay. What about Rick and Morty? There's a pickle on that, isn't there?

[Nicole Byer]

I've never seen Rick and Morty.

[Willem]

Oh, it's a great show. That's what people keep saying that my cartoons are that big mouth Human Resources and then big mouth Jem. But Jem, Jem and the Holograms. Yeah, but it was redone by this guy named Evil Jeff.

[Nicole Byer]

Uh huh.

[Willem]

And he also produced and edited, uh, Katya and Trixie Show. He takes Golden Girls Gem, all these old shows and overdubs them with voices and it is the funniest thing ever.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay?

[Willem]

It's called Jizz and the Mammograms. Jizz wants all of the girls at the Starlight foundation to get abortions. She wants stem cells. She is. I'm gonna send it to you cause it's funny.

[Nicole Byer]

Please send it to me. It sounds very, very funny.

[Willem]

There was a song called Only Anally that came from that and it was a parody of Katy Perry's Unconditionally. She was not happy because that song meant something to her. And I just made it about butt chugging because I stopped drinking 12 years ago and I wanted to find a way to still enjoy liquor so you can butt chug it. And that's what that song was about.

[Nicole Byer]

You've butt chugged.

[Willem]

I drink with my anus. I have my drinks analy Pour wine in a douche and drink it analy.

[Nicole Byer]

Do you still do that?

[Willem]

A few clubs have asked me not to anymore, so I keep it in the back of my repertoire because it's not like I turn my ass on the audience and, like, spray em. I'm not doing that after I put it up. Cause usually what I do is I get a fleet from the store and then on stage, I, like, open it, and they see it's factory sealed, and then I pour out the water on stage or in a cup, and then I find someone in the front row with a drink half empty, and I pour it in the thing, and then I drop chow and shove it up there. And people are just so shocked. But it's like, what am I supposed to do? Learn to dance. Like, come on.

[Nicole Byer]

Learn to lip sync now.

[Willem]

Stupid human tricks are always better. I don't lip sync, but, yeah, sure I don't. If you've seen Drag Race, you know why? I don't.

[Nicole Byer]

So wait, why is butt chugging better than just drinking it?

[Willem]

No calories.

[Nicole Byer]

You're an innovator. That's really fucking funny.

[Willem]

Yeah, no calories.

[Nicole Byer]

No calories.

[Willem]

You get drunk and then everybody's looking at your butt, which is, like, the goal for the end of the night anyway. Everybody's seeing it there. They're like, oh, okay. And she's got cocktails up there. I don't even need a drink ticket for this bitch.

[Nicole Byer]

It's a win win situation.

[Willem]

Mm.

[Nicole Byer]

Well, Willem.

[Willem]

Yes.

[Nicole Byer]

We have come to the end, at least.

[Willem]

We come.

[Nicole Byer]

We all came.

[Willem]

Would you date me in a hot second?

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Willem]

Would you date me?

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

Oh, my God. I do fun dates. I really do.

[Nicole Byer]

I think we would have a lovely time.

[Willem]

You know where I take all my first dates?

[Nicole Byer]

Where?

[Willem]

Jumbo's Clown Room.

[Nicole Byer]

Mmm.

[Willem]

Because if they're cool with the girls and they know how to tip. And there's a really good Thai place right next door, too.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes, there is.

[Willem]

That has that mango sticky rice and, like, lots of good things. And Jit Lada is right down the street.

[Nicole Byer]

I love Jit La.

[Willem]

Oh, my God, me too. Next time you go there, bring me and I'll bring Raja. Because the owners know Raja, and they sent out plates and plates and plates and plates.

[Nicole Byer]

That's one of my favorite things, when someone, like, knows the owner of a good restaurant and they just, like, start. Or you, like, make friends with the server and they're like, oh, I thought you should have this.

[Willem]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

And it's like, oh, thank you for thinking that part.

[Willem]

So Jumbos is a Good date spot that I take people to. I also take them on a hike. Cause, like, if you can, if you want to go see the Bat cave with me where the Batmobile used to pull out, sure, there's a fence. But if you want to climb in there and get your dick sucked, like, I'll know you're down for other stuff,

[Nicole Byer]

too, you know, you like taking people on dates where there's, like, a sense of adventure. So, you know, if they're, like, down to clown and have a nice time,

[Willem]

I'm not really so much a talker. I'm a doer. I like to do physical things and, like, go see strippers and get lap dances and, like, wrestling and, like, crazy stuff. I like. I like. I don't want to take someone on something that they've already done. I'm not interested in repeating myself.

[Nicole Byer]

I like that. I think that's fun. I think that's also a good lesson for people. It's like, I don't know, step out of your comfort zone and do something unexpected.

[Willem]

Yeah. Let's not go to Buffalo Wild Wings before you try to fuck me. Jesus Christ.

[Nicole Byer]

Let's not go to Buffalo Wild Wings. I like that you said it like that because it feels like it's happened.

[Willem]

It has. My ex loved wings. And I was like, first of all, you don't always wash your hands, so the buffalo sauce burns my asshole because you're trying to finger bang me, too. And plus, have you ever heard of a manicure? These tops, their hands, it's like fucking lion paws. And they're like, oh, I'll just shove that up there. Someone tried to DP me this pride with no lube with just spit.

[Nicole Byer]

That's rude.

[Willem]

Yeah. And dangerous.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes. I don't like that. People are idiots to that man out there.

[Willem]

Shame on you, man. Men. It was two of them. Double penetration to those two men. Now I'm getting mad again. Like, it's RuPaul. God damn it.

[Nicole Byer]

Those two men, you gotta use lube.

[Willem]

Come on.

[Nicole Byer]

And also, gentlemen, straight, gay, cut your fingernails. Like, file them. Have a nice time. Put lotion on them. Men can have soft hands, too.

[Willem]

Yeah. And also, when I say come on, Come does not count as lube if there's already a load in there. Because there's, like, those little babies in there. They cause friction. It's not all just vicious liquid. There's little tiny, like, swimmers. You saw the beginning of look who's Talking, right?

[Nicole Byer]

I did.

[Kyle Mooney]

Yeah.

[Willem]

Those. That's in my butt.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

You can't Use cum as lube for

[Nicole Byer]

more than you can't use a few seconds as lube.

[Willem]

You shouldn't.

[Nicole Byer]

You shouldn't.

[Willem]

You can though, actually.

[Nicole Byer]

You can.

[Willem]

There's this program, hold on. Actually, this one show called Making the Devil's Dick.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Willem]

It was a program made by the good people at Treasure Island Media pornographic film company.

[Beck Bennett]

Sure.

[Willem]

And this man named Dawson, he took 50 loads in a weekend. And then he had another weekend freakend where he. He took many, many. He made many, many, many, many. Come.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Willem]

And then he took those loads, put them in a jar, and then he poured the loads into a condom and then froze it.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay.

[Willem]

And then.

[Nicole Byer]

Then fucked himself with it.

[Willem]

Well, several people fucked him with it. And then he would put it in him, then shoot it across the room, wipe it off carpet fibers, then do it again. And can I tell you, did you see the movie the Mist?

[Nicole Byer]

No.

[Willem]

It was very sad. It was Stephen King. Everybody died. And then right after this guy kills his son, the rescue crew comes in and you're like, what? You just made that choice to make us so sad. But when this devil's dick of cum starts to melt and he realizes it, he's so sad. He's so sad. He's like, I'm not. It's like when a snowman melts and you won't see him again till next winter. He was so sad, Nicole, because it

[Nicole Byer]

would take so long to refreeze it.

[Willem]

That was a lot of work also. And you can't refreeze it really, because you need to get the loads back and they're all over the carpet and the Motel 6 bedspread.

[Nicole Byer]

But I just feel like though he

[Willem]

was putting it in his mouth too, after it was on the floor and that was dirty. I don't like that part.

[Nicole Byer]

I didn't like that part.

[Willem]

It would be cold. It would be so cold.

[Nicole Byer]

Like, I feel like it would be really uncomfortable.

[Willem]

Yeah.

[Nicole Byer]

But hey, sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your art and what you love.

[Willem]

He let 51 guys him in a weekend. Do you think he has feeling back there on what's uncomfortable or cold?

[Nicole Byer]

Nicole? All the nerves are dead. Just dead. The only thing he's feeling is anything on his prostate and, oh, my God, barely.

[Willem]

His asshole looks like a hernia belly button.

[Nicole Byer]

Willem, that visual was awful.

[Willem]

You're welcome.

[Nicole Byer]

Well, we've come to the end. What would you like to promote?

[Willem]

I would like everybody to watch me on the Mob this fall on Hulu, hosted by Parker Posey and loves the drag on YouTube and the mom network of podcasts. Gosh. We have Very Delta. We have Sloppy Seconds with Meatball and Big Dipper. We have Race Chaser with Alaskan Willem and also Hot Goss with that same wonderful pairing. Also, what else?

[Nicole Byer]

What is mob? You mentioned this twice, but you didn't explain it.

[Willem]

So it's a show from the Traders and Squid Game producers and we filmed in Italy. Debbie Mazar's on it. Just got off the elevator, just ran into Debbie Mazer.

[Nicole Byer]

That's fun.

[Willem]

Who else? Bruno from Dancing with the Stars. Okay. A bunch of reality people. Aida Tutoro from the Sopranos. Little Romeo.

[Nicole Byer]

I know, Little Romeo. You just don't know the way. No, that's a little bow wow.

[Willem]

Oh, Romeo, give me a chance. That 30 year old woman singing to that 8 year old boy. I won't kiss me.

[Nicole Byer]

It was a different time.

[Willem]

Different time. Yeah, very much so.

[Nicole Byer]

Well, thank you for being here.

[Willem]

Thank you for having me. Oh, and everybody go see Titanique in New York at the St. James Theater right now.

[Nicole Byer]

You are in it.

[Willem]

I am. And I'm investor. Yeah. So everybody go see that. It's a great show. You'll love it. It's only 90 minutes. By the time you have to pee, the boat sunk.

[Nicole Byer]

There you go.

[Willem]

Yeah. Oh, I didn't mean to spoil it.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, no.

[Willem]

You never know what could happen, though. Celine's magical voice could bring everyone back to life.

[Nicole Byer]

Maybe that's what happens. Who knows? Open ended. Willem knows.

[Willem]

Open ended. What do you want to promote, Nicole?

[Nicole Byer]

This podcast? Please keep watching it. Tell people about it on Reddit. I have another podcast called Best Friends with Sasheer Zamada. And, oh, I have a show. I have shows coming up. I have the.

[Willem]

You see, while she's looking, I have shows too. I'm in Australia for all of July and then after that I'm elsewhere in the South. I have a tour with Adore Delano, Sonique, Coco Montrese, myself. And we're all singing. We're going with a rock band.

[Nicole Byer]

I fucking love that. That's going to be delightful.

[Willem]

We're in like Nashville, Florida, I think Dallas. Dallas, Houston, New Orleans. We're doing a test. Come to the gigs, mama.

[Nicole Byer]

Come to the gigs, mama. I'll be at Cap City Comedy in Austin, Texas, the 24th, 25th and 26th. I'll be working out new material. And then July. Did I say July or did I say August? I think you just said. I didn't. I just said the date. So I'll be at Cap City Comedy in Austin, Texas, July 24th, 25th and 26th. And then I'll be at Helium Comedy club in Indianapolis July 30th, 31st and August 1st, and then Good Nights Comedy Club in North Carolina August 14th, 15th and 16th. Also just working out new material. And if you like this episode of why won't you date me? You could like it, you could rate it, you could follow it, give it five stars on Spotify or Apple podcasts. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me? Podcastmail.com, i'll read it. It this person says, hi, Nicole, I'm a long time listener and I love your podcast. Though I have to say I spent the first couple of years thinking I was listening to Gabby Sidibe. Oopsie. Any. Anywho, here is what I would do to you. What a wild thing to write. Different black woman. Okay. I would like to take you on a long walk through Venice beach on a hot, sunny day and have you wear the thickest winter coat in your wardrobe. So you want me to suffer? Then we get back. When we get back home, I would squeeze your sweaty underwear right into the Ninja creamy mold, then freeze it, cream it, and feed it to you as your reward for completing your daily steps.

[Willem]

What?

[Nicole Byer]

This is. So you thought I was a different black person and now you're fat Shaming. Well, then why do you have to

[Willem]

wear panties all of a sudden?

[Nicole Byer]

I don't know. I want my little coochie lips to be free.

[Willem]

Let her breathe.

[Nicole Byer]

Well, that one was fine.

[Willem]

Bye.

[Nicole Byer]

That was a Headgum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Willem]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Nicole Byer]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is Us. That's right. We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Willem]

Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot.

[Nicole Byer]

A whole lot.

[Willem]

That's what I'm hoping. Man, Listen to that was Us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.