THE LOST EPISODE (w/ Bobby Moynihan)

Summary

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Why Won’t You Date Me? with Nicole Byer

Episode: THE LOST EPISODE (w/ Bobby Moynihan) — February 7, 2025

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Episode Overview

Comedian Nicole Byer sits down with her friend, SNL alum Bobby Moynihan, for a raucous, unfiltered conversation about love, marriage, sour candy-induced head sweats, the deranged glory of the TV show Lost, and the mysteries of adult friendship. The episode is as much about playful friendship as it is about relationships, meandering through hilarious anecdotes, warm confessions, and some truly unhinged tangents (notably, shots of vodka in the middle of the day). The irreverent chemistry between Nicole and Bobby drives the episode, making it feel like a shared fever dream and a celebration of loving connection in all forms.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Opening Banter & Food/Fitness Confessions

(Timestamp: 02:23–06:51)

• Sour Candy Oddities:
  Bobby explains his head sweating when eating sour Skittles, calling it “damp, hot.”

  “It just gets gradually more and more hot the more sour candy I eat.” — Bobby (03:56)

• Food and Diabetes:
  Nicole talks about her favorite, but regrettable, treats like Welch’s fruit snacks and managing Type 2 diabetes.

• Joking about “healthy” habits:
  Both admit to “eating things I’m not supposed to eat all day long.”

• High School Cool Factor:
  Bobby regales Nicole with stories about being on the hockey team while also tap dancing after school.

  “I went to hockey practice in the morning and then tap dance in theater after school.” — Bobby (06:32)

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The Tap Dance Connection & Holly Hunter Stories

(Timestamp: 06:51–08:07)

• Bobby recalls the joy of discovering co-star Holly Hunter took tap lessons, and getting invited. Sadly, the show got canceled.
• The two share mutual excitement for tap dancing and reminisce on theater and dance experiences.

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Meeting the Wife & Early Love Story

(Timestamp: 08:07–11:38)

• How They Met:
  Bobby admits he was his wife’s Improv 101 teacher at UCB, but waited until after the class ended before anything happened:

  “I fell in love with you the second you walked in the door. But...I need this money, so gotta be on my best behavior.” — Bobby (08:35)

• First Date Confusion:
  While he has specific memories, he’s not sure what actually qualified as their first “real” date.

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The Role of ‘Lost’ in Their Relationship

(Timestamp: 10:24–15:25)

• The first date included running into “Ben” from Lost (Michael Emerson) — Bobby totally fangirled, and Lost became a couple touchstone.
• Their honeymoon was in Hawaii, partially inspired by Lost.
• Bobby tries in vain to explain Lost and its wild mythology to Nicole, covering tailies, smoke monsters, time travel, and sideways flashes:

  “Are you about to start a podcast?” — Bobby, joking about pitching Nicole a Lost recap show (12:36) “This show is truly unhinged.” — Nicole (15:19)

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Vodka Shots & Podcast Hijinks

(Timestamp: 13:13–18:29)

• Nicole and Bobby break the afternoon monotony with on-air vodka shots, in honor of their friendship and general chaos.
• Conversation devolves into gleeful giggling, wild name-dropping, and marveling at their choices.

  “It’s 3:20, I gotta go pick up my kids from school.” — Bobby (13:19) “Are we about to do another? Get wrecked?” — Nicole (18:48)

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Wedding Proposals & Romance Details

(Timestamp: 19:00–24:50)

• Proposal Story:
  Bobby proposed on a “Lost numbers” day as a quirky couple milestone (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42).

  “It was all Lost numbers...I was like, we’ll remember this.” — Bobby (19:06)

• The inside of his wedding ring is engraved with a Lost quote referencing “the constant” — two lovers finding each other across timelines.

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Parenting, Trick-or-Treating, and Biden's Dog

(Timestamp: 28:38–32:14)

• Bobby is now a dad to two kids (ages 7 and 1).
• The duo jokes about trick-or-treating in February, time loops, and not knowing who the president will be when the episode airs.
• They riff on President Biden’s dog Major’s biting scandal and McRibs:

  “Let him eat a couple kids at this point.” — Bobby (31:05)

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Fast Food & Ice Cream Tangents

(Timestamp: 32:14–34:27)

• Nicole and Bobby share fast food dessert stories, including McDonald’s cones and Wienerschnitzel’s soft serve.
• Nicole talks about her boyfriend (prompting playful teasing from Bobby).

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Resolutions, Air Fryers, and Tiny Fridges

(Timestamp: 35:37–41:37)

• Nicole’s plan for Valentine’s is dinner and flowers; Bobby is clueless but “terrified.”
• Nicole bought a “portable air fryer”—which she has yet to use—and Bobby shares his love for a tiny four-bottle refrigerator kept upstairs for convenience:

  “Nobody needs a journey.” — Nicole (41:14)

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Romance, Improv, and UCB Memories

(Timestamp: 41:44–43:54)

• “What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done?” spirals into a meta-chat about smart/life-changing decisions—both agree that joining improv transformed their lives:

  “Starting to do improv because I’ve met the closest people in my life...and I’ve gotten to do so many things other people haven’t.” — Nicole (42:46)

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Soulmates, Magic, & Whimsy

(Timestamp: 43:55–46:39)

• Bobby shares a charming story about meant-to-be romances and serendipity (“life is like a movie”).
• Nicole describes her view on soulmates, lessons from heartbreak, and whimsical creative energy.

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The Muppets, Weddings, and Performing at Receptions

(Timestamp: 48:02–51:51)

• Bobby almost had the Muppets sing at his wedding, but costs were prohibitive; instead, his Broadway-singer wife sang “Love on Top.”
• They discuss the awkwardness of doing improv at weddings, agreeing it should never happen.

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SNL, Dating Fame, and Mistaken Identity

(Timestamp: 54:48–58:50)

• Bobby recounts a story about being mistaken for Artie Lange by a woman—she was only interested if he was “Howard’s” friend, not Bobby himself.

  “She went, who are you? I was like, my name’s Bobby Moynihan… I think I need to go.” — Bobby (56:51)

• Nicole shares her own experience with being mistaken for Gabourey Sidibe at a studio security gate.

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Beard Identity & SNL Years

(Timestamp: 58:50–60:12)

• Bobby reveals he wasn’t allowed to have a beard for all nine years at SNL, showing Nicole photo evidence.
• Both crack up about how different he looks without facial hair.

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Dating Advice

(Timestamp: 60:15–61:19)

• Bobby offers advice to singles:

  “For single young people...take your time. For single old people...your time’s running out. Don’t go after the young ones. Stick with your own kind. I mean old.” — Bobby (60:41)

• They denounce the phenomenon of much older adults pursuing the youngest possible partners.

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Reflections on Fame and Child Stars

(Timestamp: 61:19–62:25)

• The duo comments on the troubling ways child celebrities like Britney Spears and Winona Ryder were treated, especially youths being sexualized.

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Worst Dates & Rejected Affections

(Timestamp: 62:45–64:33)

• Bobby and Nicole share tales of realizing during a date when the other person lost interest:

  “I saw the moment when the person went, ‘oh, okay, yeah, no,’ and I was in—but right now I’m not.” — Bobby (63:54) “I'm going to try so hard to make you into me… It never works.” — Nicole (64:07)

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The Cookie Monster, Wedding Details & Last Laughs

(Timestamp: 65:00–67:40)

• The conversation turns to favorite cartoon and Sesame Street characters; Bobby once met Cookie Monster and Elmo, and promises Nicole a Cookie Monster message.
• Nicole pitches a Ghost/Sister Act crossover film as the episode descends into joyful, silly chaos.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “This show is truly unhinged.” — Nicole (15:19)
• “When I eat sour Skittles, this part of my body, the crown, just gets super hot.” — Bobby (03:13)
• “You know what else I love? That you’re married, correct?” — Nicole (08:07)
• “I love my wife with all my farts.” — Bobby (09:44)
• “Lost has been a weird, big thing in our lives.” — Bobby (11:40)
• “Are we about to do another? Get wrecked?” — Nicole (18:48)
• “On the inside of my wedding ring, there’s a Lost quote.” — Bobby (23:39)
• “You bring four raw wings over to the couch…” — Bobby (40:17)
• “What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done? Probably this podcast.” — Bobby (42:03)
• “For single young people...take your time. For single old people...stick with your own kind. I mean old.” — Bobby (60:41)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Sour Skittles Sweat: 02:56–04:18
• How Bobby Met His Wife: 08:33–09:13
• First Date with ‘Lost’ Star Encounter: 10:24–11:38
• Lost Explanations/Tangents: 12:07–15:25
• On-Air Vodka Shots: 13:13–16:38
• Proposal & Wedding Ring Quote: 19:00–24:50
• Best Part of Having Kids: 29:15–30:05
• McDonald’s Cone Story: 33:10–34:27
• Improv at Weddings: 50:13–51:51
• Mistaken for Other Celebrities: 57:02–58:43
• Unsolicited Dating Advice: 60:41–61:19
• Worst Date Realizations: 63:54–64:33

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The Episode in a Nutshell

Bursting with warmth, mischief, and years of shared history, Nicole Byer and Bobby Moynihan weave in and out of life stories, philosophical asides, and world-class oddball banter. Whether reminiscing about impromptu shots, the weirdness of fame, or the enduring silliness of pop culture obsessions, this “lost” episode is a love letter—to friendship, to improv, and to never taking life (or love) too seriously.

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Transcript

[A]

Love the podcast. You'll love seeing even more of it on video. Watch this full episode on YouTube. Just check the description for the link. Subscribe so you don't miss out. New video episodes drop every Friday.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Quick time to choose a meal deal with McValue, the $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's. Price and participation may vary.

[A]

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ooh baby. Welcome to another episode of why Won't yout Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come on a window and tell me it was clouds. My guest today is a very Judge Judy.

[B]

It was Judge Judy who said that, right?

[A]

Judy did say that and I said Judy, why would you? My guest today is a funny actor and comedian who you know from his work on Saturday Night Live, the Secret Life of Pets and Monsters University. It's my friend Bobby Moynihan.

[B]

I thought you were gonna sing when you first started. I got super excited.

[A]

No, I'm a bad singer. And I have a question about you. Sour candies make your head sweat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why?

[B]

You tell me, pal. I don't know. I think I was here. I think I was here when I told this story.

[A]

Were you?

[B]

Maybe. I don't know. It sounds like a podcast story. I don't know if you can see. Well, you probably can't because I'm not eating sour candies currently.

[A]

No.

[B]

If I eat anything mostly sour Skittles, I notice. I happen to notice that sour Skittles do it the most. Oh, but I'll eat any sour candy. Any sour candy. And by the way, love sour candy.

[A]

I mean, Sour Patch Kids, they're kidding me. Delicious.

[B]

Delicious. But it doesn't just happen as much with Sour Patch Kids as it does with sour Skittles. Whenever I eat anything sour, this part of my body, the crown. Like, if you were to saw the top of my head off.

[A]

Yes. If I were Halloween style, you know, just sawing.

[B]

If you want. Hello. Rude.

[A]

I'm really sorry my decor attacked you.

[B]

It's okay. I kind of love it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Super hot just gets super hot. I don't know why. It just gets gradually more and more hot the more sour candy I eat.

[A]

And then. Are you sweating?

[B]

I wouldn't say the word sweating, but I would say like, damp. Hot.

[A]

Damp.

[B]

Damp. It's a shitty word, but yeah, I will say it. Damp is okay. I'm not gonna lie to myself. Damp, cold, touch.

[A]

I think moist is the word people don't like, but I'm like, grow up. Everyone wants a moist cake.

[B]

I disagree. No, I'm just kidding. I just want a moisture.

[A]

I want a dry cake. A nasty, nasty cake.

[B]

A nice, crumbly, hard cake.

[A]

When I eat. I love them. They're Welch's fruit snacks. It, like, activates my diabetes. I have type 2 and I. I did it to myself. But when I eat them, it activates all of my diabetes. Like, so symptoms. Like, they immediately make me pee a lot and they make my head hurt and I get really thirsty. I think they're just. There's that much sugar in them all.

[B]

I wake up every day and I eat things I'm not supposed to eat all day long.

[A]

I know. Same.

[B]

The best.

[A]

I love food.

[B]

I just found out recently. It turns out just peach and apple and cheese steaks. Super pet for you.

[A]

Cheesesteaks are bad for you.

[B]

Just eating cheesesteaks. Philly cheesesteaks and peach Snapple all the time.

[A]

Well, what if it's diet Peach Snapple?

[B]

No, I love that stuff. I won't touch a diet Peach Snapple ever.

[A]

You don't do diet Snapple? No, it's good.

[B]

She's hilarious. Nicole Byer, everyone.

[A]

I love Diet Snapple. I think it's so yummy.

[B]

There's no such thing. There's no such thing.

[A]

But it is wild sometimes when I eat something nasty and then I'm like. And a Diet Coke.

[B]

For what? Just have a calorie. Yeah, I just don't bother anymore. I just only eat the bad stuff. Really terrible stuff.

[A]

I try to, like, eat a little better just cause of the diabetos.

[B]

If I didn't have diabetes, I'm on my way.

[A]

I would eat nasty all the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, maybe you're not on your way.

[B]

I'm a picture of health number one. I run. I have run. I meant to say in the past.

[A]

I've run before.

[B]

I was on the hockey team in high school.

[A]

And you had to run for hockey. But it's on ice.

[B]

I did. Yeah. Well, we ran on skates. On the ice. And also on tracks.

[A]

I simply don't know how that works. I don't know how to ice skate.

[B]

I was a really cool kid in high school. I went to hockey practice in the morning and then tap dance in theater after school.

[A]

Wait, Bobby, Really?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You tap dance?

[B]

Yeah, well, I used to.

[A]

Do you still tap dance?

[B]

I mean, I still remember the moves. Does my body allow me to do those moves anymore?

[A]

I get it. I get it. I think about buying tap shoes once a week because I know how to shuffle up a buffalo.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I can do a little bit of a time step. It gets a little funky if I go for more than one.

[B]

One of the happiest days of my life was on this. I was on a show called Mr. Mayer with Holly Hunter and Ted Dansom and found out that Holly Hunter was taking tap dance lessons with Mary Steenburgen. And they were like, want to join? And I was like, this was the greatest day of my life.

[A]

Wait.

[B]

And then the show got canceled.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

And I killed them. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Just kidding.

[A]

My day is when I found out that you weren't shooting Holly at a perspective that made her tinier. That she's just tiny.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

It blew my mind.

[B]

She is a tiny person. It's the best.

[A]

She's so small.

[B]

There was a lot. I don't. There was a lot of bits in Mr. Mayer. There was a show where she would just like, pop out from behind, like, a file cabin. And she just did that. Like, she improvised that. And it was the funniest thing. And then we started to establish in the show that she traveled around the building in the air ducts. It was kind of my favorite part of the show. She was adorable and still is. I love her.

[A]

I love that. You know what else I love? That you're married, correct?

[B]

I am. I love that too. I love my wife.

[A]

How did you meet her?

[B]

I was her improv teacher.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I hate saying that, but I was. I was her improv teacher. I was her improv 101 teacher. And I felt. I. I say this to her often. I was like, I fell in love with you the second you walked in the door. I remember the second she walked in the door. And I remember thinking, like, I need this money. Like, I need the $150 before taxes. So, like, I need to be on my best behavior. Especially, like, ucb. Like, you don't want to be like a creep, improv creep. And we did not even, like, speak until after the class ended. So I think that's why. I don't know why, but, like, I feel like I have to say that, like, my daughters see it later.

[A]

Well, I mean, I think it's okay, cuz it's like you're two adults. You waited until after the class was over. And was she funny?

[B]

She still paid me. I'm just kidding. I have to her last crime be a funny prostitute joke.

[A]

No, I got it. It's funny after a joke to be like, I was trying to make a funny processing joke.

[B]

Been a long day of podcasts.

[A]

You're all talked out.

[B]

No, I love her. She's the greatest. I love my wife with all my farts.

[A]

With all my. With all my farts. Do you remember your first date where you took her?

[B]

That's funny. No, no, I kind of.

[A]

I.

[B]

You know how, like, I don't know if you experience this, but, like, especially with telling stories a lot where you just kind of like, meld stuff together, you're not sure what become, you know, whatever when you say first date. I have a very distinct memory of our first date. Was that our first date?

[A]

Who knows?

[B]

Who knows? Where am I? Who am I?

[A]

You're Bobby Moynihan. You are in Los Angeles, California.

[B]

Thank you. You're welcome. We went. She. She was on Broadway for many, many years. And we went to, like, this, like, fancy Broadway hangout. Like, it was like in the Broadway district. It was like. It wasn't really a bar. It felt. It was like. It was like in a. In a brownstone. Like, you know, there was fancy music. And the second I opened the door for her to go on our first date into this bar, Michael Emerson, the man who played Ben on Lost, was just standing in the doorway, and this was like, peak, peak Lost. Peak Lost. And I was. I don't know if you know this about me. I'm a big Lost at big Lost fan, and I, like, broke. She was like, are you okay? And I was like, no, no, I'm not okay. That was Ben from laws. And she was like, what's that? And I was just like. It took me, like, a while to recover. Like, the entirety of our first date was me going, like, he's just so good. And, like, talking about. I was flustered by another man for most of our first date.

[A]

Wait, that's really funny.

[B]

Yeah, but we started watching Lost together and went to Hawaii for our honeymoon. Lost has been a weird, big thing in our lives as well.

[A]

That's not weird. I like that. So on Lost, they crashed in Hawaii, right? That's the show.

[B]

I'm trying to think. No, they crashed on an island with polar bears and monsters. I don't think that's Hawaii.

[A]

Wait, what?

[B]

I don't think Hawaii. Yeah, in the show. It's not Hawaii. They filmed it in Hawaii.

[A]

I'm sorry, I'm stuck on polar bears and monst.

[B]

Have you never seen.

[A]

I've never seen lo.

[B]

You've never heard. Just the reference that there was a polar. They found a polar bear.

[A]

So they land on a tropical island.

[B]

A bunch of people are flying in a plane. It crashes on an island. Some survive, some don't. The plane also breaks in half. Yeah, we'll get to that later.

[A]

Is that a thing? That's a part of it, yep. Okay.

[B]

The talies. Do you. Are you about to start a podcast?

[A]

I mean, we absolutely could. What are the tailies?

[B]

Oh, I'm so happy right now. Can we get some shots? Can we do shots? And I can tell you I broke everything I can.

[A]

We can get you a shot. There's alcohol here.

[B]

I was kidding, but now I kind of want to do shots. All of. I. I. You are the kind of person that I'm like, hold on one second. It's 3:20. I'm gonna end up doing shots with Nicole Byer for the next four hours, aren't I? That's what I love about you. I love is that it's a Possibility.

[A]

I mean, we could. Do you want to do a shot?

[B]

I'll do 1 billion percent. We're doing a shot right now.

[A]

Mars, will you get us a shot of something? Casey, do we have shots?

[B]

It's 3:20. I gotta go pick up my kids from school.

[A]

What do you want a shot of? No, she's gonna surprise us. It's gonna be great.

[B]

I mean, whatever. I'll take Jameson if I have an option.

[A]

She's already gone. Okay. So it's whatever she brings back.

[B]

All right, well, I'll tell. I'll take a Jameson. I'll just say it to this balloon.

[A]

I, I, I like vodka, but I can also do a Jameson. That's fine with me.

[B]

Really? You like vodka?

[A]

I love vodka.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

And I don't know why a lot of people are like, it doesn't taste like anything. And I'm like, I think that's why I like it.

[B]

I don't know why. And this is just. I'm, I'm, I think I might be a real weirdo. I just think vodka is cleaning fluid. Like, I just like. Vodka to me is just like. You use that to clean stuff.

[A]

You do. Like if you buy a used piece of furniture and in between having it like shampooed or whatever, you spray vodka on it.

[B]

Yeah. Or if you get. You spill some nachos on your Star wars sweatshirt. Not that I have.

[A]

Who are the tailies?

[B]

Oh my God. How many. The Tailies are the people who were sitting in the back of the plane.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But it broke off.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And guess what?

[A]

What?

[B]

Some of them made it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Are they. And they've been separated. They've been living on the same island as these people for a long time. But there's a smoke monster, a monster made of smoke. And there's a polar bear running around. Why do they call? Why don't you go down in the hatch and ask the man who has to press the button every 108 minutes or the world explodes?

[A]

Wait, what? Wait, there's a man who's got a record player. He's a record player.

[B]

He has a record player and an exercise bike.

[A]

What? And he's been on the island?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This show is truly unhinged.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. I would like vodka. Vodka.

[B]

I mean, I guess I have to. I will do it.

[A]

Let's do it. A little Tito's, if you will.

[B]

Yeah. The. It's the best Jackson.

[A]

Tito.

[B]

The best Jackson. That was my first improv team.

[A]

Really?

[B]

No.

[A]

The Tito. Please welcome the stage the Tito Jackson.

[B]

Tito's The Best Jackson.

[A]

Oh, that's the name.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was just Tito, the Best Jackson. Welcome to the stage. Tito, the Best Jackson. We're all drinking.

[B]

It's Tito Colon, the Best Jackson. One of my first real improv team names was Jason Biggs as a dyke. And it's a terrible name. Absolutely terrible. It is a terrible name. And we got a cease and desist letter saying, don't do it anymore from Jason Biggs. And I agree. I completely agree. But you learn. You learn with comedy.

[A]

You live and you learn.

[B]

Yes. Thank you so much.

[A]

We'll do with you. This is a hefty shot, Mars.

[B]

That's.

[A]

I'm not gonna pouring. I'm sorry. I'll take all of it.

[B]

That's what I. But this is. It's good to see you.

[A]

Good to see you. It's 3:20 in the afternoon.

[B]

Cheers. Good job, guys.

[A]

Good job, everyone.

[B]

Cleaning. Sol. I took a jet ski here.

[A]

I once went on vacation with Sasheer and I put in the notes of our dinner that we had just gotten engaged and we were celebrating it and the lady was like, all right, your table's that way. I was like, we got engaged today. I proposed on a jet ski. I had dropped the ring. She still said yes. The lady didn't care.

[B]

She didn't care.

[A]

She didn't care at all.

[B]

I love to share with all my farts.

[A]

She's the. She's the best. I love her with all my farts too.

[B]

She really is the greatest. You know what's really awesome?

[A]

What?

[B]

Waking up and looking at your calendar and going, oh, I'm going to do the Nicole Byer podcast today. This is gonna be fun. And then going to Instagram and immediately seeing a video of your friend flying through the air on wires.

[A]

Did you see that? It's so cool. I got to see that.

[B]

Coolest.

[A]

And then I saw the last episode. I think it aired yesterday. I don't know. She's so good, but she's so good in.

[B]

So good.

[A]

I. She's one of my favorite people and I love her so much.

[B]

It's the best. It's the best.

[A]

And she's so good in it.

[B]

I like that she's flying around like a witch.

[A]

I love that she not like a witch. She's a witch. She's a potions witch. On the show. We even watched it. It's Agatha all along and she's just incredible in it. And I don't want to spoil anything, but like, Marvel Marel, the marvelous Marvell.

[B]

I hope they. Good luck. To them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I hope they do well.

[A]

They're just a small company, a little startup. I hope they have this thing called comic books.

[B]

Not my thing, but.

[A]

Bobby. So, ah. I, like, really went off the rails.

[B]

I had that probably a giant shot of, but decided to do in the middle of it. Yeah. No, every. Our whole day is different ruins.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

We're not kids anymore, too. But there's also like, that part of you that's like, are we about to do another?

[A]

You just get. Absolutely.

[B]

Are we going to get wrecked?

[A]

I have to call someone to come get podcast. Honey, you so lit, man. Oh, we had a good time.

[B]

It was great.

[A]

We made jokes. How did you propose to your wife?

[B]

With my mouth. I'm a father. Human piece of garbage. I knew I was gonna do it. I had the ring for a while, and this is crazy. I think it was a Sunday morning and I realized it was all lost numbers of 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. The date it was all lost numbers. And I was like, oh, this is like a loss is like a special day. Like, well, we'll remember this.

[A]

Wait, really?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, it was like the. Yeah, it was August 20th, I think. I haven't. Yeah, it was a very. It was a thing that we shared. I went like, oh, it's that. Yeah, she's happy about it, probably. I woke up one morning and I just went, I'm gonna do it right now. And I came around the corner in the living room and I went, hey. And she saw it coming a mile away, and she said, no. And then there was like a big legal battle, and now we don't see you. No.

[A]

I'm also gonna sue you.

[B]

I will say. I will say different podcasts before shot and after shot.

[A]

I do feel.

[B]

Do you feel it, too? She's like. She's like. You have the look on your face of like, I made a mistake, but I'm enjoying it. I've made a mistake. I kind of feel right there, too.

[A]

And also, here's the thing. I have no idea how much time has passed because you guys didn't start the clock.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, no, I don't care. I am officially. I have decided that I don't have any responsibilities for the rest of time.

[A]

This is funny because you took out your phone and did something, and then you were like, I have no responsibilities.

[B]

I looked at the time in my family and I kissed them goodbye. Goodbye. Just kidding. I was looking at the time. Cause you said. I really was like, how long have we been sitting Here.

[A]

You know, it's funny. I had a phone.

[B]

We all did.

[A]

Oh, it's here. I feel wild. I feel absolutely.

[B]

I will say, though, every time I see you, I feel like this could happen. And I'm glad that this time it did.

[A]

It did. We once shot something that was a true blue fever dream.

[B]

A moose. Oh, no, sorry.

[A]

A moose.

[B]

We shot a moose.

[A]

You don't remember that we shot a moose?

[B]

I'm a father. I make bad jokes. Bad jokes on.

[A]

But this kind of feels like that fever dream, but in a better way.

[B]

Yes, we shot. Or I rem. I remember. I remember your first ass cat. I don't know if that's anything, but I remember like, that. Like, I remember meeting doing ass cat with you and thinking like, wow, this is her first ascat. She's. And I remember I sat on your lap and we. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[A]

Yes, I do.

[B]

That is like a very, very, very vivid memory.

[A]

I remember that. For me, that was one of my favorite times improvising, because it was the first time I got to do Ask Cat. If you don't know, like, UCB has a Sunday night show. There was a seven, and it was.

[B]

Like a big deal when you got asked.

[A]

Big deal. I finally got asked and I remember.

[B]

Thinking like, oh, this. Like, this was your first one. And like, it was a blast.

[A]

And I had seen you perform so much, and I was like, God, Bobby's so funny. This is such, like, an honor and a treat. You were so funny. Like, you make me laugh so hard.

[B]

Me too. Thank God. When? Now we do shots together.

[A]

Now we do shots together at 3:20 in the afternoon. Wait, Bobby, I love you. So you proposed on a lost day? Your cheeks are so red.

[B]

I did a shot of vodka and I'm a chubbyman.

[A]

So you propose on a lost day? Did you get married on a lost day? And how many days are in Lost?

[B]

There was a trope. I don't know if that's the right word. There was a thing in Lost where Hurley, one of the characters played by the incomparable Jorge Garcia.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes.

[B]

Had won the lottery. And the numbers he picked were 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42. And they keep showing up throughout Lost.

[A]

This is wild that you remember it.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[A]

How many times have you seen Lost? All the way through.

[B]

The first season, a bunch I loved, you know, but, like, I've probably seen the whole thing once or twice. But, like, certain things, a bunch. I haven't seen it in 10 years. Probably now.

[A]

But you have such a great memory of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is it written on your hands?

[B]

No, on my wedding ring.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

On the inside of my wedding ring. There's a lost quote. There is a story about people who fall in love, and they know they're in love throughout different timelines. No matter what happens. No matter what happens, they find each other.

[A]

You have her.

[B]

Yes. And that's the last line of their letter to each. Like, no matter what. It's called a constant. No matter what timeline you're in, there's timelines. Oh, yeah. They have flashed sideways.

[A]

What? What do you mean, sideways? This show, with no context, is the. I don't understand how it was on for so many seasons or how you followed it.

[B]

Because it was great. Because you would go, like, this show's getting weird. And then they would, like, flash sideways. You'd be like, what? And you'd watch for another two years.

[A]

Wait, it was great. They would say flash sideways. Like, on the show.

[B]

One billion percent flash sideways.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

Yeah, they coined. I believe they coined the phrase flash sideways. It was like, a big thing when they were. When people were like, what do you mean? And they really do. Cause the whole thing is, like, after season one, you started realizing that some things were out of order and they were showing, so you realized you were seeing a flash forward. And then all of a sudden, one episode, you were like, wait a minute. That wasn't a flash forward. That was a flashback. And you were like, oh, cool. They did that. That person's. You thought this the whole time. And then one time they went. And then they went fucking sideways. They flashed sideways.

[A]

This show sounds like homework.

[B]

Oh, but that was it. It was a great deal of homework. It came out at the time when, like, it was like, the show didn't even matter. It was getting on the computer in between. And, like, there was a lot of lost podcasts, which weren't a thing. It was all about getting on the computer going, I think the polar bear is the devil.

[A]

Wait, was the polar bear the devil?

[B]

It's just a polar bear that just turned out a greedy company had polar bear out there.

[A]

A greedy.

[B]

Yeah, the Dharma Initiative.

[A]

Bobby, you keep saying so many things that are truly unhinged. The Dharma Company sent a polar bear. A polar bear to.

[B]

Let's do two more shots.

[A]

I do feel wild.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

I do feel. I haven't eaten tonight.

[B]

Anything at all. Cold water.

[A]

I've only had coffee. I feel bananas, and I don't have plans to eat until we're gone.

[B]

A couple ounces of vodka. We're under hot water.

[A]

Yeah, Mars, you fucking loaded this up. And for whatever reason I saw this and I was like, this is too much. And then drank it all.

[B]

We both were like, well, I guess we gotta do this dumb thing for attention.

[A]

I love attention. It's what I love so much.

[B]

This is great, right?

[A]

Okay, we have to take a break.

[B]

I completely disagree. Quick time to choose a meal deal with McValue. The five dollar McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McN. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's. Price and participation may vary.

[C]

Audible's Romance Collection has something to satisfy every side of you when it comes to what kind of romance you're into. You don't have to choose just one fancy a dalliance with a duke or maybe a steamy billionaire. You could find a book boyfriend in the city and another one tearing it up on the hockey field. And if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm. Discover modern rom coms from authors like Lily Chu and Ali Hazelwood, the latest romantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and Rebecca Yaros, plus Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander, and of course, all the really steamy stuff. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery that's audible.com wondery this message is sponsored by Greenlight. With school out, summer is the perfect time to teach our kids real world money skills they'll use forever. Greenlight is a debit card and the number one family finance and safety app used by millions of families, helping kids learn how to save, invest and spend wisely. Parents can send their kids money and track their spending and saving while kids build money, confidence and skills in fun ways. Start your risk free greenlight trial [e-mail] wondery that's greenlight.com wondery and now we're.

[A]

Back from that break. So you have kids?

[B]

Two.

[A]

They're nice.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

Aren't they? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, you're right. I would agree with.

[A]

How old are they?

[B]

Seven and one.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One is little.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

Seven is mid.

[B]

Sure. For kids.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, because like seven is almost like 10 and that's almost 20.

[B]

She. It's a very interesting cool age, isn't it? Parents?

[A]

What's the thing you like best about having kids?

[B]

Selfishly my first thought was like, I just. I'm just. Like, it's the saddest thing in the world. I'm just like, I got buddies. Like, I just got little. Like, we just play all day. That's cool. They're like, we don't have school today. And I'm like, sweet. Like, I just. And it's just. Improv party all day. Yeah, it's just.

[A]

Well, does the one year old go to school?

[B]

No, not yet. But, like, our first kid, I didn't speak till, like, almost two, three. Like, it was like. And one and a half. This one is like, hi. Thank you. Like, doing bits. And like, she's like, one. Like, what's that? And I'm like, what the fuck did you just say? Like, it's crazy. Like, she's. It's a lot different second time around. This one's a lot more. This one's a lot smarter. The first one was very, very dumb.

[A]

Well, I think that second child always comes out just a little feistier. I'm a second child and I came out swinging and talking.

[B]

Oh, you got to fight for yourself a little bit more. No one's impressed. No, a lot of like. What about this one?

[A]

Did you go trick or treating? I know this is coming out in February of next year, but did you go trick or treating last year?

[B]

I went trick or treating last night. February 10th. I did. We went trick or treating a couple months ago. It was. I just wanna point out that right now, I don't know who is president right now.

[A]

We certainly don't know. Isn't it wild that we don't know? But by the time this comes out, we will. We'll be months into someone's presidency.

[B]

We are technically in a. We are in a broken time machine right now.

[A]

We are. And there's a picture of Joe Biden biting. He's our current president. He's biting a child dressed up as a turkey.

[B]

No, I did see that.

[A]

The hardest I've laughed at a laugh time. I said, this man don't give a shit.

[B]

Let him eat a couple kids at this.

[A]

I mean, that dog was trying to eat people.

[B]

Dude, he did the cool. What dog?

[A]

I think his name is Major. Am I making that up?

[B]

Oh, his dog.

[A]

His name is Major.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah, his dog was. He be biting Major. Bite and be biting.

[B]

Major is the name of a dog who eats kids. Yeah. Sorry, Major.

[A]

Yeah, I'm Major Affiliation.

[B]

I'm not voting for the dog, but Biden did, like, the coolest thing he's Ever. Anyone ever did for the country. Right? Besides, I was about to. My shitty joke was about to be, besides the McRib. Because I like the McRib.

[A]

I'll let you set that up again.

[B]

It was terrible.

[A]

No, no, I'll let you set it up again.

[B]

I'm just saying, Joe Biden, cool guy. I'm just super psyched he stepped down. That was awesome.

[A]

I'm setting you up to say McRib things.

[B]

I just like McRibs. You can send me one one day if you want.

[A]

Wait, do you like McRibs?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't like them because.

[B]

Are you kidding me?

[A]

Well, I've never had one, but I don't like them based on principle because you're trying to tell me that this is a rib.

[B]

It is. And there's the funniest food in the.

[A]

World, but there's no bone.

[B]

It doesn't feel like any food. It's like eating an ear.

[A]

What?

[B]

It's like eating a barbecue flavored ear. But the bun itself, I don't even know how to explain it. It has some sort of magical McDonald's dust on the bun that they make. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you ever have McRib?

[A]

No.

[B]

No.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[B]

They love themselves.

[A]

They love them. Apparently. I love myself. I've never.

[B]

McRib has this. I don't even know what to call it. A granule. Like breading on the top of it. It's very pleasing to the touch.

[A]

It's very pleasing to the touch. I just unapprec Principal basis. I'm like, so you're trying to tell me that this is a rib? A rib has a bone in it. So this is.

[B]

There's no food involved in the McRib, I don't think, but it's delicious every once in a while.

[A]

I went to McDonald's. This was like a week ago, because I wanted an ice cream cone. It was, I don't know, midnight, one, something, and I got an ice cream cone.

[B]

And then you went there?

[A]

I went physically, because you have to go for the ice cream cone. If it gets delivered to me, the cone's gonna be melting. You got to get a sundae. But I didn't want a Sunday. I wanted a cone.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

So I went and he handed it to me, and he said, you're gonna have a nice time, aren't you? And I was like, yes.

[B]

Was he hitting on you?

[A]

A little bit. I don't know. But I was then driving and, like, really licking And I was like, that man was so right.

[B]

He was 100% right.

[A]

Such a nice time.

[B]

It's a fun treat. There's.

[A]

I love soft serve.

[B]

A Wiener schnitzel right around the corner from my house. They have soft serve and they have. But they dip it in a chocolate. And for a month they had a fruit loop dip. It was a white chocolate with fruit.

[A]

Was it good?

[B]

And it was a good Nicole Byer, ladies and gentlemen.

[A]

I recently I texted my boyfriend. I was like, Wienerschnzel had frozen or not frozen soft serve. So we have to go get soft serve. And he's not as excited about it as I am, but I gotta get it.

[B]

You mean your ex boyfriend?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

[A]

Bobby, don't do that.

[B]

I didn't know you had a boyfriend. I love him already.

[A]

He's really nice. I'll show you a picture of him.

[B]

Cool. I want to see his address.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Aw, I love you. Isn't that cute? I love you.

[A]

Did the camera pick that up? Up?

[B]

No.

[A]

Good.

[B]

You can't see reflection of the balloon.

[A]

Nobody can see him. I got to keep. It's Lauren Michaels. And Lauren's like, I just can't let you in the cast because it would be favoritism. And I was like, lauren, I fully understand. Don't worry. Don't worry, Z. I have a picture.

[B]

Of Lauren smiling really big from some event. I don't know what it is, but it's funny saying every time I take a picture of my wife, I immediately go to that picture and then go, look, it came out great. And show her a picture of. It's the dumbest bit in the world.

[A]

That's a very funny bit. I like that so much.

[B]

That's why that came to mind.

[A]

I have a question.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

For New Year's because New Year's passed.

[B]

Yeah. Every year.

[A]

This is February of 20.

[B]

Oh, correct.

[A]

For New Year's, this is February 2025.

[B]

2025.

[A]

I can't believe this is already 2025. 5. Did you have any resolutions?

[B]

Less.

[A]

You got. You got any less terror?

[B]

Less Being less terrified all the time.

[A]

I guess that the world. The world is scary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's your only consolation.

[B]

Yeah. Ever since. Ever since the robot President took over. Ever since the Robot President and the Blood wars began.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

This is now 2025. Right?

[A]

It's 2025. We're in the middle of the Blood Wars.

[B]

The robot rising. Everything. I don't know. I hope everything's okay right now. I hope we're still just doing improv.

[A]

I hope so.

[B]

Somewhere.

[A]

Wait, what exact date does this come out? This comes out February 7th. 7th. Valentine's Day is around the corner.

[B]

Yep. That's why. These are here, right?

[A]

Yes. For Valentine's Day and not left over from my first episode.

[B]

That's funny. When I got here, I thought they were for Valentine's Day, and then I'm like, they're far away, though. But it's only in six days.

[A]

It's only in six days. It's in six, seven days. Because it's February 7th.

[B]

I don't do math. I don't get paid to do math.

[A]

I don't get paid to do math either, but I just know seven plus seven equals 14, and that's a core belief.

[B]

That's an easy one. Seven plus seven is 14. Even when you said it, I was like, yeah, I know that one, too. I'm hot. I am so. I so want another one, but I know it'll ruin everything forever.

[A]

I know if I have another one, ethically, I should call someone to pick me up. I know that, like, in my heart, in 45 minutes, I'll be fine, but if I keep going, I'll have to.

[B]

Be like, I'm glad we did one. I'm glad we were responsible during the.

[A]

Afternoon of my podcast.

[B]

What number of podcasts is this for you today? Three. Three. Sorry. I'm glad we went out with a bang.

[A]

We did. I'm, like, crying. I'm having a really nice time. I don't know if anyone listening is having a nice.

[B]

It's just two people talking about when they see each other, they think about having a great time. And then this time they did.

[A]

And then they did. Oh, my goodness. I really am so hot. I had to put my hair up. I think I'm. Oh, my God. I've eaten a sour candy. My head is hot.

[B]

That's what happens. No, but I'm warm from here down, so I haven't.

[A]

What are you doing for Valentine's Day?

[B]

I honestly have no idea. It's in six days, and I'm terrified. I said, what am I going to do?

[A]

Oh, my God. I think for Valentine's Day, I'm not doing a good job.

[B]

Oh, now you look much more comfortable.

[A]

I can't believe how hot I was. I think I'm going to go to dinner and maybe I'll get flowers. Your glasses are steaming up.

[B]

Fogging up over here.

[A]

I'm so. Bobby, Can I tell you I just bought a tableside Air fryer.

[B]

Wait a minute. That's a mad lib. A table size? Yeah. What does that mean? Like a.

[A]

You can air fry on the go. It's a portable air fryer.

[B]

It's you saying that wrong. You can't say portable air fryer and table sized air fryer. I pictured an air fryer the size of a table. You can bring it to the table side now. Now I just heard you wrong.

[A]

I watched. I watched a tick tock of this woman who was at work and she was like, I can air fry stuff at my desk. And then I bought it.

[B]

I'm in.

[A]

And then I bought it.

[B]

Is it worth.

[A]

I don't know. It stayed in the box for a really long time. And then my friend Matteo was like, why did you buy an air fryer to use at your desk? You don't work at a desk. And I was like, I just really like the idea of it.

[B]

I love the idea. I love the idea, right, that you're like watching TV and then you bring.

[A]

The air fryer out to make food.

[B]

I'm gonna bring four raw wings with me over to the couch and the tv.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's more of my truth. Yeah. Oh, I get it.

[A]

My raw wings and sediment.

[B]

That is a s' more asking to be made. I get it.

[A]

I just.

[B]

I have a fridge that's this big that holds like four bottles of water.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And it looks like a fridge. Looks like a white Frigidaire old timey refrigerator. Yeah, in my bathroom. In the toilet. No, I'm just kidding. It's on the table.

[A]

Why in the bathroom do you get thirsty in the bathroom a lot?

[B]

If I wake up in the middle of the night or something, I want a cold bottle of water or something. If. Yeah, if I'm.

[A]

That's smart.

[B]

She's got a bottle of water in there. I don't have to go all the way downstairs to get a bottle of water.

[A]

No, I get it. Nobody needs a journey. I man this pot. I was like, I truly just agree. Nobody needs a journey. And now you're mad at me.

[B]

I felt judged for half a second and I got really?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. We're not here to judge. No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Yeah, no. I have a tiny fridge in my. I like that bathroom. Yeah. I love it.

[A]

Do you restock it?

[B]

I feel like I would forget almost every eight minutes. It's tiny. It's tiny.

[A]

It's so small.

[B]

It is. You put a bottle of water in there and you take it out and you Got to put another one in. Well, it's four. It holds four. It Amazon. It was like $9.99.

[A]

Bobby, I have a question. What's the most romantic thing you've ever done in your whole life?

[B]

Probably this podcast. I don't know. Can I leave? Is it okay if I just leave instead?

[A]

No. We have 23 minutes left.

[B]

That's right. I don't know. I don't know. What's the most romantic thing I've ever done? That's like saying, what's the smartest thing you've ever done? I feel like it's a little braggy.

[A]

It is a little braggy. But now I'm trying to think of what's the smartest thing I've ever done. I've done smart things.

[B]

Yeah, a couple. I know the answer.

[A]

So what's the answer?

[B]

I'm just kidding. I just wanted to make you think I did. I don't know.

[A]

I truly was like, oh, you know that amaz.

[B]

Don't you wish someone knew the answer?

[A]

I think maybe doing improv. I think starting to do improv because I've met the closest people in my life. I've had the best times of my life, and I've gotten to do so many things that other people haven't gotten to do.

[B]

It's funny that you say that. I could definitely remember the moment where I was talking to my mom and I was like, I think this place. Like, I think this is what I gotta do. Like, I think that realization is definitely a real thing.

[A]

Well, so Sher has a memory of you going to uva, which is crazy. And she was like, that's where I have to go.

[B]

And I remember was the last tour co show I did before getting SNL wild, and it had already been announced, so people knew. And she stood up and asked a question, said, how do I get on Saturday Night Live? And I said, get in the van, come back with us. Start upright citizens brigade, Meet a bunch of people. In a couple years, you'll be on Saturday Night Live.

[A]

And then she did it, making a hahaha. Because I don't know if she asked the question, but somebody asked that question. That is what you said. And then that's what she did.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

Isn't that wild?

[B]

It's a weird thing. And then that happened. Yeah.

[A]

Isn't it wild that you told that to like, I don't know, like a thousand kids and then one said bet.

[B]

And then did it and did it. I mean, yeah, she's probably going to do it anyway, but just kidding. Yeah. Do you ever see that? Just made me think of this is in no way as cool. But did you ever see the thing where someone, or I think it was on Oprah. I saw it or something where it was a woman, she had a terrible life, horrible story. Didn't have a fantastic life, ended up on drugs. Methadone, was going through methadone, met someone on the line, online at a drug rehab. And that person was bringing someone in, was like a friend bringing someone in. They fell in love and da da, da, da, they get. And on the night of their wedding, they took out a picture and they were like, sorry. Every night my father passed away and every night I sleep with his picture next to me and the guy is in the background of the picture.

[A]

No, that's not.

[B]

They figure it out. They were like, oh my God. And he has the same picture from the reverse side with her and her father in the background with like their backs. It's like this amazing story. There's like a couple instances of this happening.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

I don't remember why I started telling this story, but I love it.

[A]

Hey, I don't know either, but I think it's really sweet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I truly, because I believe in soulmates and I believe that everybody who's placed in your life is like, either there to support you or like teach you a lesson. Because my therapist was like, breakups happen to teach you a lesson. And it's good that you dated that person because they taught you something about dating. But yeah, like, I feel like that person was put in their life maybe for them to believe in a little bit of magic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And magic is beautiful.

[B]

I, I, I get, I lean too much into the magic and like the, I start saying, like, life's like a movie right here. Like, I get very Muppets and very like, we're all gonna live forever.

[A]

I don't know. I love all that Better way to live.

[B]

Yeah, very much.

[A]

I'd rather live in. I feel like creative people live in a lot of the magic and a lot of the fantasy. Like, I went and did karaoke the other night and my friend sang I'll make a man out of you from Mulan and the whole bar perked up. And I don't think that's like a normie song that someone would think of. But I feel like creative people are kind of whimsical and everyone gets caught up in the whimsy. And I think it's really pretty.

[B]

That's a bold breakdown. To bring out. I would be psyched. I would be like, like, I'm listening.

[A]

Yeah, it was a nice time. And then a white lady. Did Beyonce love on top? Have I talked about this?

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

No, she was really bad. She like started too low. It's a hard song. And then this black man was like, we have to cheer that white lady on so she votes the way we want her to. All right, real quick, we have to take a break.

[B]

Quick. Time to choose a meal deal with McValue. The five dollar McChicken meal deal, a six dollar McDouble meal deal, or the new seven dollar Daily Double meal deal. Each with its own small fries, drink and four piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's pricing. Participation may vary.

[C]

If you're shopping while working, eating, or even listening to this podcast, then you know and love the thrill of a deal. But are you getting the deal and cash back? Rakuten shoppers, do they get the brands they love? Savings and cash back. And you can get it too. Start getting cash back at your favorite stores like Target, Sephora and even Expedia. Stack sales on top of cash back and feel what it's like to know you're maximizing the savings. It's easy to use and you get your cash back sent to you through PayPal or check. The idea is simple. Stores pay Rakuten for sending them shoppers and Rakuten shares the money with you as cash back. Download the free Rakuten app or go to rakuten.com to start saving today. It's the most rewarding way to shop. That's R A K U t e.

[B]

N rakuten.com My wife did this beautiful thing where she kind of like asked, like when we were doing our wedding, she was like, if you could have one thing, like one dream thing for this wedding, what would it be? And I was like, that's awesome. I did pitch and almost made it happen. The Muppets singing Somebody's getting married at our wedding. Because I worked with the Muppets before and it was like happening. But then I figured out I would have had to flown them all out myself. And I figured out how much that would have cost.

[A]

I was like.

[B]

Rather have food.

[A]

Imagine you were like, but I almost wanted the Muppets dinner. We're bringing the Muppets in.

[B]

In retrospect, very glad we did an.

[A]

Adult human wedding on Instagram. I saw this video of this person's wedding where it's them walking down the aisle, and then they pan to the audience, and it's the Muppets going, oh, genius.

[B]

Oh, someone edited in all the reactions. That's genius.

[A]

The videographer did not ask anybody. That's how they got the video.

[B]

And I think that's the videographer I want. Yeah.

[A]

So wait, what's the thing that you chose for the wedding?

[B]

I thought about it, and my wife is a Broadway singer, and I was like, honestly, can you sing Love on Top at our wedding? Cause I was like, you're just such an amazing singer. I just would love to hear. And her face dropped, and she was like, that song's really hard. And, like, now thinking back, imagine I just imagine if she was like, bobby, will you do Drunk uncle at our wedding? Or, like, you do improv at our wedding? Like, and, like, thinking, like, no, no.

[A]

Yeah. No, I couldn't possibly in front of my mother.

[B]

No. Like, now I think, like, about, like, what I really said, but I was no good. No, no, no, no.

[A]

That. It's a really.

[B]

I did an hour improv set as Drunk Uncle.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Can I get a suggestion? Thank you. I know Drunk Uncle.

[B]

Everyone's favorite catchphrase.

[A]

Get a suggestion. I have, unfortunately done improv at a wedding.

[B]

I mean, yeah, it's pretty tough. That's. I. That's. It's not beyond. I'm amazed. And also, like, yeah. How much did you get?

[A]

Nothing. Because it was friends. It was unpaid. It was, guys do this. And I said yes. And looking back, I think we could have all done without.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I agree.

[A]

I simply don't think it was needed. And then I went to another wedding where, like, there was a song off talk about doing improv. And I remember it wasn't me. It was someone that was like, we're not doing improv at this wedding. We just aren't doing that. And I was like, okay, someone doesn't like fun. But thinking back, that person made the right choice. Improv does not need to be at a wedding.

[B]

Nope, not at all. I just keep thinking about. About, like, family who doesn't know what?

[A]

Like, no, it's an assault on all of the senses. Like, imagine doing a sound and movement opening at a wedding, and your grandmother's like, they're now monkeys.

[B]

Like, it's four on a Sunday.

[A]

Like, yeah, it's the rudest thing you could do to somebody. Imagine improv at a wedding and then, like, no open bar. You just, like, held people hostage, made them watch this.

[B]

You just did an Improv show. You did an improv show and also got married.

[A]

Oh. Bye. Bye.

[B]

Our buddy Eli knew all the worst. I don't. Oh, God. Terrible thing to bring up on a podcast. You know Eli? Yes, our buddy, Eli Newell. The worst thing ever. He got married. He's a fellow improviser.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I've heard this story.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely terrible. Got married, walked down the aisle, walked into the back, and his heart exploded. Yeah, but he's okay. He's okay. My good Lord, he's okay.

[A]

But everyone thought he was doing a bit, right?

[B]

Well, it was just chaos. And then all of a sudden it was like. Yeah, no, he had a crazy.

[A]

He had, like, an aneurysm or something, right?

[B]

Yeah, the youngest. I forget what it was, but he's the youngest, like, person in the world to ever survive it. They wrote, like, an article about it, the New York Times. Like, it's crazy. Yeah, it's like, it's. Yeah.

[A]

He was like, come on.

[B]

Comedy podcast.

[A]

Comedy podcast. Hahaha.

[B]

He.

[A]

He. But I feel like he was like, this wedding won't be about me.

[B]

Yes. The second wedding, he was very cocky and very funny, and it was awesome. It was very funny. But we begged him not to fake one as a joke.

[A]

No, I guess. Please don't fake that. That was scary enough. I think about my wedding all the time, and I oscillate between wanting to get married and not wanting to get married. Right now I'm in the zone where I think I want it. I think it's really nice to just, like, be like, I love this person. And I really want to tell people.

[B]

I feel very lucky to say that, like, my wedding was one of the best days of my life. Like, it was just a great day. I love it from start to finish. Just like, a beautiful day. Like. Like, thank you.

[A]

How many people were in your wedding party, Mom?

[B]

Not a lot. It was relatively. I feel like it was, like, relatively small. Some friends and family and, like, I invited the entire cast of SN because I was on SNL at the time, and, like, I wanted to impress my cousins.

[A]

Did Lauren come to your wedding? Oh, no, no, sorry, Bobby, I'm too busy making popcorn.

[B]

I'm on an island with Paul Gardner. Paul Simon. I'll let you guess which. No, he did not come, but he did send me a very nice gift.

[A]

I have a boat.

[B]

It was a giant boat.

[A]

A boat. A big old. Yeah.

[B]

Giant boat. It was like Titanic.

[A]

The Titanic. He raised the Titanic for you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Too bad those people went down there in that Marine The Titanic there. It's at Bobby's house.

[B]

That was him. He sent them. People know that.

[A]

Were you married before, after snl, or.

[B]

During, like, tail end?

[A]

And then were you dating? Oh, you were dating before snl?

[B]

We started. I. We started dating, and, like, I. Like, I found out I got snl, I called my mom, and I called Bryn, and she was kind of like, why are you calling me? Like. Like, a little bit like, wait, really? A little bit? Was like, we've only been dating for, like, a month. Like, kind of.

[A]

That's very funny.

[B]

She was like, the second person I called.

[A]

She's like, what's going on? Am I in a serious relationship? And nobody told me? And you're like, yes, Yes, I love you.

[B]

Great. Like, we'll go on another date soon.

[A]

I was like, all right, M. That's so funny.

[B]

You might be a viable partner.

[A]

I might be a viable partner. When you were in snl, did you ever get people slipping into the DMS being like, please me.

[B]

Just like that.

[A]

Please fuck my pussy.

[B]

I always tell. I don't always tell this story, but this is the story that encapsulates that question. One night, early on, very early on, I'm on SNL, and I'm at McManus, and a girl walks up to me and started talking about something on. Like. It was like. I think it was old Dirty Bastard was playing. Like, I had put on an old Dirty Bastard song, and she was like, did you put that on? And, like, started talking to me, and I was like, oh, like, people, it's changing. It was definitely like, this has never happened before. What is this? And very much got the sense of like, oh, what's happening? This is weird. And, like, I'm me. I'm a. A big comedy nerd. I don't know what's happening or what to do. And she literally was like, do you want to get out of here? And I was like, okay. And we left McManus through the side door, and we were getting a cab, and as it was pulling up, she was like, I know this is weird, but I have to ask. What is Howard like? And I was like. Instantly knew what she meant. And I went, oh, I'm not Artie. Language. Did you think I was Artie Lang? And she went, yeah, are you not? And I was like, no. She went, who are you? I was like, my name. And I don't know why I said this, and I don't know why I was like, my name's Bobby Moynihan. I'm on Saturday Night Live. And she went like, oh, okay. And I was like, I think I need to go. And I did not go home with that girl. And that was. That encapsulates any kind of experience like that. It was all. I was just like, no. Bye.

[A]

So funny.

[B]

And I got. I was in love with Bryn the whole. Pretty much the whole time.

[A]

That's so funny. Pretty much the whole time.

[B]

Well, I think, like. I think, like.

[A]

Well, I mean, until you're, like, serious. We're like, exclusive. Like, it's like, sure, whatever.

[B]

The nine years of SNL was us eventually getting married. But she was on Broadway every day but Monday, and I was working every day but Sunday day. Just a matter of time before we. Our literal schedules just.

[A]

That's funny. What's Howard?

[B]

Like, how I'm not instantly.

[A]

Then who are you? I'm Bobby Mo.

[B]

And like, I don't know why, like, I had clarified so well. She pretty much was like, that'll do.

[A]

I.

[B]

Not a complete body. And I was just like, I.

[A]

That is so funny. I mean, I have had a similar experience, but it wasn't me going home with somebody. I was at the Fox Gate and I handed my ID to somebody, and he was like, you are so good and precious. And I was like, oh, I'm that gab, gab, gab Sidibe. And he went, whatever. And I was like, wait, what? And he said to the other guy in the little hut, he was like, she's impressious. And he was like, you were so good in it. I was like, I'm not. I was like, you're looking at my id. And I said the actress's name.

[B]

Cabaret Sidibe.

[A]

And that's not me. And they were like, sure. And I was like, okay. And then I, like, drove onto the gate and I was like, I feel so wild and sure. I confused me with her. She's so talented and she's so wonderful. But I was like, but my name is different than her. Bobby, who are you calling?

[B]

What are you doing? I'm sorry, I lost. I didn't lose complete interest. I was just trying to find a picture. I didn't lose complete interest. No, because when you said that this is a real thing. When Gaboure Sidibe hosted SNL, I, like, 100% fell in love with her. She was.

[A]

She's so wonderful.

[B]

Best.

[A]

She. Oh, my God, that's so cute.

[B]

I love her with a.

[A]

Wait, is that you?

[B]

Yeah, that's me.

[A]

I've never seen you without a beard.

[B]

I know. Isn't it the. That's why I have one always Cuz that. Cuz I look like that. Yeah, it's not right. It's like Ted Cruz sucks.

[A]

It is a little. You do look like you love Trump.

[B]

Like if Fred Flintstone was human know. Yeah, that's why I always have. That's why this is. Yeah, that's why I am blown away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I think you unattractive, but you just look like a different person.

[B]

Completely different person.

[A]

Completely different.

[B]

Yeah. Rosie OD Donald's son.

[A]

Rosie od Donald, son.

[B]

Son. That's what I feel like I look like when I don't at that period of my life.

[A]

So specific. Wait, there was a period in your life where you just didn't have a.

[B]

Beautiful for nine years? I wasn't allowed to at snl. They wouldn't allow me because I had to.

[A]

Like I watched you on SNL and I feel like you had a beard.

[B]

I had a beard for 10 years at UCB. I shaved September 13, 2008. And then I stopped on my last day of SNL and only in that time did I not have a beard. And like every break that we had, I had a beard again. Cause I hate not having it.

[A]

This is so wild to me.

[B]

You're drunk.

[A]

I can't remember anything.

[B]

I'm too drunk.

[A]

Wait, Bobby, do you have any advice for single people?

[B]

Nope. Fuck them. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

[A]

You heard it here first.

[B]

I'm just kidding.

[A]

Fuck em. Yeah. Get that water down.

[B]

For young. Hold on one second. For single people. Hold on one sec.

[A]

Gotta get that down. You gotta get hydrated. You gotta slurp that up.

[B]

For single young people, they don't have to be young. Well, I'm telling them first. Breaking it up into two different advices.

[A]

Oh, okay. I'm so sorry.

[B]

For single young people on this side of the mic. Take your time, man. For single old people, your time's running out. Don't go after the young ones. Stick with your own kind. I mean, by that I mean old.

[A]

Honestly, I do think that's good advice because why are you all going after somebody young?

[B]

Stupid.

[A]

What do you want with the youngs?

[B]

They don't know. They don't care.

[A]

They don't know.

[B]

They don't know what you know.

[A]

And you can't just.

[B]

It's impossible. They don't have the same kind of brains as you did. Me and my wife have been talking. Oh, I don't want to say it. The Last couple days. Oh. Just about how Winona Ryder was treated, like, in the Hollywood community.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

When she was, like, 15 years.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

Just in interviews where people are like, look at you.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like. Or just like, it's in.

[A]

It is. If you go back in time and look at interviews of, like, even, like, the Justin Bieber generation, which was just, like, 10 years ago. He was a child. People sexualize these children in a way that you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

Oh, why? Like, they would ask Britney Spears, like, about her breasts or, like, being a virgin, and it's like, oh, why? Why are you doing this?

[B]

Biebs, man. Poor Biebs. I mean, I guess I'm at a point now where I'm saying poor Biebs.

[A]

I. I say poor Biebs. And then honestly, it's like, well, of course child stars don't, like.

[B]

Well into.

[A]

Life because they've been sexualized as children. And, like, people are saying weird shit to them all the time. Time.

[B]

Hey, comedy podcast.

[A]

Wait, Bobby, I had a question.

[B]

You've had a few.

[A]

You've had so many questions.

[B]

I've answered most.

[A]

I think you've answered all.

[B]

I would say that.

[A]

What's the worst date you've been on before you started having a wife? What?

[B]

That's. No, that's how you say it. What's the worst date I've ever been on?

[A]

Yeah, before you had a wife.

[B]

Like, oh, I just had, like, the saddest thought I killed someone. I'm just kidding. I, I, I, he murdered. I didn't have, like, a bad date at all. It was, like, a fucking great date. I'm realizing we know the person. We were friends. We're friends. And it was, like, an amazing date. But I saw the moment where the person went like, oh, okay, yeah, no, I was in. But right now I'm not. And I saw that moment, and I remember being, like, feeling like I was going, like, and what? And, like, Like, I started, like, and, like, like, panicking.

[A]

Being like, oh, you're out. You're out. And I'm going to.

[B]

I felt like I might as well have been going, like. But I was doing so good.

[A]

No, come on.

[B]

Like, like that. And I remember being, like, super disappointed.

[A]

I've had moments like that on dates where I'm like, oh, you're not into me. And I know you're not into me, but I'm going to try so hard to make you into me. Me. And it never worked.

[B]

Yeah. No, never.

[A]

They're not into.

[B]

They're not money or bribery.

[A]

Bribery, you say. I give you kisses.

[B]

Yeah. I talk like a baby and be.

[A]

Don't you want in danger?

[B]

Isn't that what you want?

[A]

Don't you want to feed me sometimes?

[B]

Hit me as hard as you can.

[A]

Please hit me. Well, Bobby, we have made it to the end and.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Do you have anything you want to promote?

[B]

I knew you were going to say that. Watch Frasier on abc. I think cbs.

[A]

I think it's on Paramount plus.

[B]

Cbs. Paramount plus. Watch it. Watch Frasier.

[A]

The new one or the old one? Both. I've only seen one episode.

[B]

She's the best.

[A]

Who?

[B]

She was on DuckTales.

[A]

What's her name?

[B]

With us Now I'm going to say it wrong again because I tried to be cool. Toques. I believe it's O.

[A]

That's a really fun name.

[B]

She's great. She played Mrs. Beasley on DuckTales and she's my favorite. I love her.

[A]

DuckTales. Woo.

[B]

You had to have been on DuckTales.

[A]

DuckTales. No, that's not true.

[B]

You were on DuckTales. We had scenes together. We sure didn't.

[A]

I auditioned for DuckTales and I didn't get it.

[B]

I. I almost disagree.

[A]

You can disagree all you want. I was not on DuckTales.

[B]

We were on some cart. That's me and Ernest Borgnine.

[A]

You just have these pictures. I cannot.

[B]

I guess that's the picture.

[A]

You've seen me without a beard.

[B]

Ooh, scandalous. Picture of me and Precious kissing me.

[A]

That is funny.

[B]

And me and Cookie Monster.

[A]

I don't remember you without a beer.

[B]

I know. It's the worst first.

[A]

I can't believe you got to meet Cookie Monster. I'm deeply jealous.

[B]

He's my boy.

[A]

Cookies. I love cookies.

[B]

They want to look good for Quinn. Yeah. Help me look good.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, hi, Quinn. Quinn's my sister's son. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's my buddy. Oh, it's so nice to see you.

[A]

Wait. Could you get a message? Message for me from Cookie Monster?

[B]

The answer is yes.

[A]

I would die. Yeah, I just need Cookie Monster to say, nicole Byer. We love cookies.

[B]

Done.

[A]

That's it. Like I just. What a dream it would be to eat cookies.

[B]

Cookie Monster is one of the nicest men in the world.

[A]

My God. How incredible.

[B]

Yeah, he's a really great guy.

[A]

I do you know Elmo?

[B]

Yeah. He's wonderful too.

[A]

I would love, like, an Elmo message. My grandpa's name is Elmo, but he does. He doesn't, like, get it.

[B]

But I Understand?

[A]

I bought him an Elmo balloon. He was like, who's that Elmo? I'm Elmo. And I was like, you're both Elmo.

[B]

He's like, I was here first.

[A]

Simply doesn't get it.

[B]

Yeah, know.

[A]

Well, Bobby.

[B]

She gonna pull out a gun. Imagine, pull out a revolver. An old timey revolver.

[A]

That's it for you.

[B]

This is the time of the show. This is a new segment on the show.

[A]

No, this is.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

The end. No, no, sit down. You have to listen to this. Okay, so. Oh.

[B]

I broke the head gum.

[A]

Is that your phone?

[B]

No, it was the head gum knob thing. The most important piece of the microphone.

[A]

The most important branding.

[B]

The cube.

[A]

The branding, the cube. So we're at the end. Oh, would you date me? Of course. Sick. So if you like this episode of why won't you date me? You can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on Apple podcasts, and you can give me five stars. And if you write me something nasty, hitting on me to why won't you date me? PodcastMail.com I will read it. And it has to be sick as hell. And we're also running low. And I need more. This one's long. Dearest Nicole, I'm dead. You're the only one who can see me. All I want is to be pounded one more time by a big, thick dick. The only way I can is if you allow me to be in your body. I will haunt you day after day until you finally say, yes. I enter your body more than any man ever has, and we go in search of the biggest, veiniest dick we can find.

[B]

Signed, Whoopi Goldberg from Ghost.

[A]

I would love read a Milk Miller.

[B]

Rita Miller, 526-340-43. Rita Miller. No, of her in that movie.

[A]

No. Wait, are you thinking of I wrote the wrong name?

[B]

That's what she said.

[A]

She does say I wrote the wrong name.

[B]

Oda May Brown.

[A]

Yes. Oda May Brown is her actual name, but Rita Miller is the fake name that she uses to get to empty that $4 million into the bank account that then she then gives to the nuns, which I think is fun because she's in Sister act later, and I'm like, is it the same convent?

[B]

It's part of the same universe.

[A]

Do you think?

[B]

Yeah, everyone knows that Sister act is Ghost too.

[A]

Listen, I have an idea for Ghost too. I play Oda Brown's daughter who does not have the gift. She still has the gift. We run a psychic shop in Brooklyn that's quickly gentrifying OD doesn't like it. I'm dating this white man. She also doesn't like that we find out it's Carl's son because we don't know about Carl's life. And then Carl's son, the man I'm dating, kills my mom, Oda transferring the power to me. And then Carl's son is avenging his dad's death. And he only knows that Oda May and Molly were involved with it. So he got to Oda May. But now me and Oda May have to go protect Molly again.

[B]

We'll see you next week. I mean, I'm in. Can I play the guy on the trains? Son?

[A]

Yes. Like trains. You can't touch it. You can't feel you're dead. You just got to feel it in your soul.

[B]

Or a Willie Lopez shadow. Man.

[A]

Willie Lopez. I think that's 424 Prospect Place.

[B]

These kids are very young. Looking at us.

[A]

You guys don't know anything.

[B]

There's no way we're the same age. I'm much older than you.

[A]

I'm 56 years old.

[B]

You're right.

[A]

I am born in 1970 something. I was born in 1972. I'm 56 years old.

[B]

Old.

[A]

Is that math good?

[B]

I have no idea. I'm, I, I, I stopped thinking about it the second you brought it up. Because I, I don't even want to do math.

[A]

We finally find one when we get to his place. He has a pottery reel and ceramic dicks everywhere checkpot. We start gobbling. We start gobbling his knob. As I get used to you having a gag reflex. Get used to most people have one. He bends us over his potty pottery wheel and starts manhandling your body like a wet slab of clay before he insert enters your whisker biscuit. Ew. And we both feel the pleasure of his 10 inch. He until we cream all over his dick over and over, moaning so loud that we that he could hear both of our voices. Oh yeah. Someone's dead. Then finally, at peace and still dripping wet, I go to the light. Leaving you with alone with him. Gasping as you get your clothes back on. You feel your check in your. You feel a check in your pocket for $100,000 and a note that reads. Don't give this to those nuns. Them kids. It's $4 million. In the movie, he gives you his number and you two start dating and spend the rest of your lives together in love. From then on, only you. You only see me when you have a pregnancy scare. Each time I write you in Danger girl off the bathroom mirror with a box of plan B on the counter. That's fun. Me you've been listening to. Why won't you date me with me? Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars, with executive producer Anya Kanefskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsey Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our thief music is arranged by Mike Comate. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye. Bye.

[C]

That was a Hitgum podcast.

[A]

Hi, I'm Ilana Hope Levinson.

[B]

And I'm Dan o'.

[A]

Sullivan.

[C]

And this is the Outfit, the new.

[A]

Podcast from Higher Ground and Headgum.

[B]

You know, we're two journalists who are slightly obsessed with the mob and organized crime and other nefarious stuff like that.

[A]

Every week we're going to bring you a story about a mobster. Some you've heard of, some you definitely haven't. But all of them are going to help explain why America is like this. See, the mob explains all sorts of.

[B]

Things, from milk expiration dates to why we got into Cuba to Las Vegas gay bars.

[A]

Who knew? Who knew the mob's involved. All that and more. Subscribe to the Outfit wherever you get.

[C]

Your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday.

[A]

What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney. And what's up, everybody? I'm back behind.

[B]

And man. Ooh, I got.

[A]

We got something to tell you. Oh, yeah, we definitely do.

[B]

Yes. It's a brand new podcast on Headgum.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

And it's called what's our Podcast? Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast should be about. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about. And then we check.

[A]

Try it.

[B]

Yep. Guests like Mark Marin, Jack Black, Brittany.

[A]

Broski, Kate Berlan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter.

[B]

And Tim B. Landon axler, Jory, Joanie McGre.

[A]

And Dender and Dender.

[B]

New episodes release every Wednesday, so subscribe to what's our podcast on YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms.

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna go do it right now.