The Viral Hijabi Pole Dancer (w/ Neda Momeni)

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer

Episode: The Viral Hijabi Pole Dancer (w/ Neda Momeni)
Air Date: October 3, 2025

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Overview

In this episode, Nicole Byer sits down with Neda Momeni, a nurse practitioner and viral pole dancer known on Instagram as "HijabiLuscious" (not "Hijabelicious," as both note with laughter). The conversation dives into Neda’s experiences with childbirth, Muslim dating culture, estrangement from her parents, the transformative power of pole dancing, and the wild ride of going viral on the internet as a hijabi pole dancer. Along the way, the two share candid stories, joke about cultural quirks, and offer up hard-won advice for dating in the modern world.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Meeting & Connection

• Nicole and Neda met at Luscious Maven, their favorite, inclusive pole studio in Los Angeles, bonding over shared classes and instructors.
• Neda gives credit to their mutual instructor Veronica, describing her as “super cool,” and the kind of person whose friends are automatically cool by association (03:06).

2. Pregnancy & Giving Birth

• Neda describes the complexities and fears of her geriatric (over 35) pregnancy, emphasizing both her medical background and personal anxieties.
  • “I was a labor and delivery nurse for five years... but I feel like in some ways that made it worse because I knew too much.” (03:43)
• She provides a visceral, candid account of induction, epidural, water breaking, contractions, and the realities of bodily functions during labor.
  • “The pain really hurt when my water broke... once that water broke, then that sends your body into like, okay, this baby wants to come.” (05:48)
• Discusses the aftermath: sleep deprivation, pushing for nearly three hours, and the difficulty of post-partum pooping.
  • “Pooping after delivery...I needed my husband to hold my hand. It was painful.” (11:19)

3. Relationship History & Muslim Dating Culture

• Neda recounts her journey from a nearly-married 24-year-old on a Muslim matchmaking site to meeting her husband the “non-traditional” way at age 29.
• She discusses the pressure in her community to marry quickly and not “date” in the Western sense, leading to rushed and sometimes mismatched unions.
  • “On paper...you’re either a husband or you’re not. Which, in theory, weeds people out.” (16:23)
• Reflects on why people often choose partners who mirror their parents, quoting a therapist:
  • “Your nervous system is going to choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.” (12:57)
• Shares the tactical nature of matchmaking—including her humorous but frustrating dealings with a Muslim matchmaker who ignored her preferences (27:48).
  • “I am not paying you to give me people who see me as second best!” (29:06)

4. Meeting Her Husband & Love Stories

• Details accidentally meeting her now-husband through friends, losing patience with traditional introductions, and making the bold first move:
  • “I took his phone and I put my number in it and I said, now you got another pussy in your phone. And now we’re married.” (30:43)
• Talks about their break-up and reunion, and the influence of familial conflict:
  • “Something in my gut told me he’s the right person—but at the wrong time.” (31:41)
• Recalls their second-chance romance, complete with “halal” (and not-so-halal) hijab-fluttering sunset kisses (35:18–36:17).

5. Estrangement from Parents & Personal Growth

• Discusses going “no contact” with her toxic parents and how jarring but freeing it was:
  • “My worst panic attacks was when I was out of danger.” (20:27)
  • “I had to fight to keep that. No contact. It’s not like my parents just accepted that.” (38:09)
• Credits pole dancing as a transformative, healing, and empowering force during this difficult life change.
  • “I needed something to take me out of my comfort zone... So I showed up to the first class prepared to be the joke here. I didn’t expect to stay.” (41:15)

6. The Pole Dancing Journey & Viral Fame

• Neda entered pole classes seeking escape and stumbled into a supportive, empowering community at Luscious Maven.
  • “Everybody was just so welcoming. They wanted to know who I was.” (41:43)
• Explains the unexpected virality of her videos as a hijabi pole dancer—drawing both harsh criticism and outpourings of support.
  • “It attracted a bunch of other women...Jokes on them. They made me popular.” (44:10)
• Shares details of online harassment, international insults, and why nothing could hurt worse than her parents’ abuse.
  • “None of you are saying anything that comes close to my abusive parents’.” (46:18)
  • “I did learn insults on an international level...There was Russian pole instructors that were talking shit. They said, ‘you look like a fat cow on ice.’” (46:57)
• Narrates her infamous pole fall during the pandemic, with dark humor:
  • “My neighbor called and goes, ‘Did you feel that earthquake?’” (48:48)

7. The Realities of Social Media & Pole Culture

• Talks about online hate, body image, and the moral judgments she receives, often from within the Muslim community and beyond.
  • “People come on the Internet not trying to accept you as a person...they’re looking to dump.” (43:57)
• Reflects on safety, community, and differing approaches in pole instruction.

8. Dating & Relationship Advice

• Cautions against over-curated dating profiles and the dangers of dating as a “performance.”
  • “Don’t treat your dates like it’s a job interview. Don’t tell people what they want to hear.” (54:06)
• Encourages authenticity—even if it means showing off your “annoying bitch” side.
• Advocates for treating bad dates like open mics—don’t over-invest, just train for the main show (the one that counts) (54:47).
• Warns against getting “diplomatized” (i.e., staying for great sex with a bad partner).
  • “Don’t let that dick deceive you too early.” (56:18)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Your nervous system is going to choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.”
  — Neda, quoting her therapist, (12:57)

• “Now you got another pussy in your phone. And now we’re married.”
  — Neda, on meeting her husband, (30:43)

• “I walked in to learn some hoe shit... Learning some hoe shit is what I need right now.”
  — Neda, on starting pole as self-care, (40:33)

• “If people want to see you as a hoe…they’re going to find reasons.”
  — Neda, on others’ moral outrage, (43:26)

• “None of you are saying anything that comes close to my abusive parents.”
  — Neda, on developing a thick skin, (46:18)

• “Did you feel that earthquake?” / “I sent her a video. I said, you don’t know this about me, Lois, but I needed a pandemic hobby.”
  — Neighbor Lois & Neda, after her home pole fall, (48:48, 49:12)

• “Do not let that man put his best D forward before he puts his best self forward. That’s how you get diplomatized.”
  — Neda, on dating with clear eyes, (56:18)

• “Don’t marry somebody that you wouldn’t divorce.”
  — Advice from Nicole’s friend’s mom, (56:49)

• “You are the same person as a friend as you are here.”
  — Neda about Nicole, affirming sincerity, (60:31)

• “I called out sick for this podcast.”
  — Neda, closing with a laugh (62:08)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Pregnancy & Birth Stories — 03:33 - 12:22
• Relationship History, Muslim Dating, and Parents — 12:23 - 25:33
• Meeting Her Husband & Love Story — 25:33 - 37:25
• Estrangement and Starting Pole — 37:25 - 41:15
• Pole Community & Going Viral — 41:15 - 47:15
• Online Hate and Resilience — 47:15 - 48:48
• Pole Safety, Competition, and Advice — 48:48 - 55:24
• Dating Advice — 53:00 - 56:42
• Nurse Practitioner 101 (and drug talk) — 57:41 - 60:08

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Tone and Atmosphere

The episode is candid, bawdy, and full of humor, with both Nicole and Neda swapping raw stories and punchlines. Neda brings a warm, unfiltered blend of vulnerability and boldness—openly detailing trauma, triumph, and Instagram trolls, often wrapping up each heavy point with a joke or an empowering mantra. Nicole’s warmth and self-deprecation keep the mood light, affirming listener experiences with laughter and realness.

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Final Takeaways

• Be Authentically Yourself: Both in dating and in life, putting up a filtered version of yourself is exhausting and unsustainable.
• Resilience is Key: Whether in dealing with trolls, toxic family, or the physical challenge of pole, Neda’s journey is a testament to perseverance and self-love.
• Community Heals: Finding your people—on the dance floor, on the pole, or simply with a supportive partner—can be transformative.
• Don’t Settle or Hide: Whether seeking love, breaking free from expectations, or performing in a hijab on a pole, you owe yourself the truth.

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Follow Neda: Instagram @HijabiLuscious
Studio Shoutout: Luscious Maven, Los Angeles

Recommended Segment for New Listeners:
Neda’s full origin story, meeting her husband, going no-contact, and the healing power of pole dancing — 25:33–41:15

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Transcript

[A]

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description.

[B]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[A]

Today's segment is brought to you by Bumble, the Go to dating app for finding love. You know how everyone says they have a type, but if you listen to the show, you know, like, half the time, people don't end up with the type they thought that they wanted? I know I have. Some of My best dates have been with people. I didn't think they were going to be my type.

[B]

I.

[A]

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[B]

You know, this is. This is not halal at all, what I'm about to say. I am not saying any of this is right, but, like, you know, then. And then, you know, the wind is slightly blowing my hijab off.

[A]

Oh, no. Oh, my goodness.

[B]

And I didn't. I didn't try to fight that wind. And I'm just like, this wind is in God's hands now. I don't know.

[A]

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ooh, baby. Welcome to another episode of why Won't yout Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come on my. Come on a book and say it's a sticker. My guest today is a nurse practitioner and pole dancer that you've seen on the try, Guys. She documents her life on her very good Instagram account, Hijabelicious. Did I say that right?

[B]

I think you did. Hijabelicious. Yeah.

[A]

And I got to play with her baby, and that was very nice. I love babies. I just love stealing them.

[B]

You know what? I didn't even say my handle right. It's Hijabi Luscious Viz. Pick that handle because Hijabelicious was taken. Oh, that's funny.

[A]

It's a good handle. It's very funny. And I do love that you just yell, wait, I need to just introduce you. It's Nana Momenti. Did I Do it.

[B]

You said, dad is perfect. Thank you.

[A]

Okay. What a dream.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So I met you. I don't even know when I met you. I feel like we just started or like we go to the same pole studio. I'll tell you, Luscious Maven, I'm not a gatekeeper. It's my favorite place. I feel like it's super inclusive and nice, and I feel like I saw, like, a video that you had posted and tagged Luscious Maven in. And then we just, like, ran into each other a couple times, I think.

[B]

Because also, we have the same pole instructor, Veronica, and she's super cool. And anybody who's friends with Veronica is already by default really cool, because I agree. Yeah. I remember we were in Level one poll together. I think at some point you showed off that you could do the splits or something close to it.

[A]

No, I can do the splits. I can do a full split with my left leg forward.

[B]

Yeah, I can't do the splits. I have not even attempted splits since I gave birth.

[A]

Wait, tell me about giving birth. Everyone has a different experience, and it just seems very scary, you know?

[B]

I think so. It is very scary. But also, I think it helped because I was a labor and delivery nurse for five years before I became a nurse practitioner. But it doesn't take away. I feel like in some ways that made it worse because I knew too much. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, so I think the hardest thing was the sleep deprivation. Right. I was induced for elevated blood pressures because in pregnancy, that could become very dangerous. And because I'm 37, there are certain geriatric. I am a geriatric pregnancy. That said that first thing on my chart. I am old.

[A]

Just write on your name geriatric.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think it's so rude to call anyone 30, 30 anything geriatric.

[B]

Yeah. Well, also, you know, unfortunately, there are certain risks, but pregnancy is a risk either way. I dealt with people in their 20s that bled out. You know, I feel like, at least for myself, I was never idealistic about this pregnancy, you know? And with that said in the hospital, I feel like, because I knew too much, certain things that would be. For example, I started to become very dizzy at some point in my head. I'm like, am I going to get a seizure next? What's going to happen? And then the nurse I had was just like, girl, when was the last time you ate? Like, 20 hours ago. She was like, all right, let me up your iv. And I felt better. That was an easy fix. But I thought I was gonna have a Seizure and die.

[A]

I catastrophize as well, but I don't catastrophize like that because I have not been in a situation where I'm like, oh, no, you're now having a seizure or whatever that's. Having a baby's scary to me.

[B]

Yeah, it is scary.

[A]

Did you get an epidural?

[B]

Hell, yeah, I got an epidural. That was no question.

[A]

I just learned that an epidural, I thought it was a shot one and done. They put a thing in you and you're like, attached to a thing.

[B]

They put a thing in you, you're attached to a machine thingy.

[A]

Did you know this?

[B]

Mars? No.

[A]

It's wild. It's a thing. It's like a wiry thing that they stick up in your spine and then you're just like, attached to a thing. A thing.

[B]

But it was it what? Here's the thing. When you are enough pain to get an epidural, you don't care about the pain in your back, right? Because for myself, the pain really hurt when my water broke, okay? Before that, it was tolerable. But once that water broke, then that sends your body into like, okay, this baby wants to come. And for me, because I was induced, being my water being broken was a part of trying to get shit going, right? So when that broke, right, the contractions were the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. And especially because I wasn't an induction on a drug that stimulates contractions and it made it worse. I physically hurt my husband when I. Like how?

[A]

Matter of fact, you're like, it was the worst pain of my life because I feel a lot of parents will be like, you know, it wasn't so bad. And then my bundle of joy was here. But you're like, no, the pain was so bad, I didn't care that there was a fucking string up my back. My water broke. What's it like when your water breaks? I don't think I've ever asked anybody that.

[B]

Oh, so. Because they broke it for me, because they didn't want me to be in labor for too long, right? Because again, I was being in. Because like I said, elevated blood pressures can turn dangerous. We did not want to go in a situation where this was going to turn. Going to turn into an emergency, right? So better that baby come out a few days, you know, sooner than later, right? Anyway, so once they go up in there, first of all, it is terrible pressure, right? And they put a stick thingy up there because my cervix was already maybe this much open. I was a five. So that normally a cervix, when it's closed, it's like. Like that. It's up and high. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So typically, when. Let's say you're doing a pap smear, the thingy to do, the pap smear goes up and touch, touch. Bye. Right. When they break your water, it's. I'm gonna take this. Okay. It's twice as long as this.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's a stick that goes up your cervix, which is that big, and it's like pop, Right. And then it's a big gush. Right. Big old gush. They put towels under you, and then after that, it makes the contractions. Feels like something's ripping inside you. Right. But here's the thing. I can objectively tell you I was in the worst pain in my life, but I don't remember a goddamn thing. And that's why I'm probably gonna have a baby next year again.

[A]

I'm gonna do it all over again. I didn't know that. They stick a pin in you like a balloon.

[B]

Yep. You get popped like a balloon.

[A]

You're like a party city.

[B]

Except instead of confetti that comes out, it's a waterfall. It's just a waterfall.

[A]

And that's IM Amino acid. No amniotic fluid.

[B]

Yeah, that's amniotic fluid.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I got there. Yeah. And every contraction, it just squeezes more and more amniotic fluid out of you. Right.

[A]

Wait, every contraction you have, more fluid comes out of you?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

So you're just. Oh, my God. This is Mars. Did you know any of this? This sounds so painful. I don't want to give birth anymore. Oh, you wanted to. Somewhat on the fence, but now I'm leaning towards no. God, that is so wild. I feel like nobody tells you, like, everything about, like.

[B]

Yeah. So, you know, and then. And then here's the thing. I had the epidural, but not everybody is totally numb with the epidural. Right. Because you have other factors that make the experience terrible. And here's the thing. I can tell you, medically, my delivery was not complicated. Medically, I had a very smooth delivery. Right. But the hardest thing that came up was when it was time to push. Right. First of all, when it's time to push, that means that when you. When you have. So my fingers are the cervix. Right. When you're like, a five, dilation, the head, it's like that big. Right. When you're 10, dilation it's like this big. It's for the head to come through, right?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And when the nurse can go in there and touch the head, right? Oh my God. Like me, when the nurse can go there and we can go maybe two fingers deep and touch the head, right? So we're going like that. There's the head. Okay. And then the fingers are in the vagina, then it's time to push, right?

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Um, especially when it's first baby, pushing can take up to. For me it was almost three hours. It was like with every contraction it was like, okay, now hold your breath and then push, 1, 2, 3. You know, it's like you're pushing each contraction to get that baby down. The head is not going to come down on its own. And if it does come down on its own, you are very lucky. There are some people that can push maybe three times and boom, head is crowning. So you know, the head is like right here outside the vagina, right? That's the, you know, you could see the crown. And then the doctor comes in, catches the baby. Right. Some people only need three pushes to do that. I needed almost three hours, right. And I was doing that on 36 hours of no sleep. Because you cannot sleep in the hospital.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because, I mean, the beeping machines, it's.

[A]

Not a familiar, you know, just like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And also anywhere.

[B]

Yeah. And also because professionally I knew too much. So if there was codes going off in the building, I would think that I need to show up. I had to remind myself I'm not.

[A]

I'm not working, I'm having a baby.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you have to like reserve a room in the hospital? Like when you're like having your labor induced, you have to like call the hospital and be like, I'm being induced on Thursday. Can I have a room on Thursday?

[B]

The doctor and the secretary do that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I know literally nothing about having a baby, so. Except that sometimes you shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you shit?

[B]

I absolutely shit. But I will tell you that when I shit there, I mean, first of all, I didn't eat for a couple of days. I didn't eat anything substantial because in the hospital it's just like, I don't know, with everything going on, like, hunger didn't really hit me. And also there's certain parts of labor that you cannot eat. Right. Because there's. If, let's say you could be at risk of a C section, for example. It's complicated. But long story short, there's certain parts where you shouldn't be Eating right. Some people will argue about that, but that's not the point of this podcast anyway. So I think I shit maybe a couple bunny pellets when I was pushing because I just had nothing in me. So I mean, I didn't notice anything. Right. I would say that. Pooping after delivery. The couple days after delivery, I needed my husband to hold my hand. It was, it was painful.

[A]

Oh my God, this is wild that you're like, I barely remember it, but then you're telling me such visceral fucking things and you're like, I might do it again next year. That's so wild. How did you meet your husband?

[B]

Oh, I hit on him aggressively. So as far as. Why didn't, why didn't anybody want to marry me or date me when I was like 27 or 28? First of all, I was still, I think I was still emotionally immature and I had not yet come to terms with the fact that I was choosing partners that were very much like my parents, even though I resented them.

[A]

Well, there's like a big old TED Talk where it's like you pick your partners based on your parents because that's the relationship you've seen. So that's the relationship you're trying to like recreate or whatever, which I think is crazy.

[B]

Well, this morning I heard a therapist say that your nervous system is going to choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven, right? And that's why we pick shitty partners is when I almost got engaged when I was. First of all, I almost got in. I almost got married when I was 24 and I'm 37 now.

[A]

I got married at 24. Whenever people get married young, I'm like, that's such a. I mean, yeah, you could get divorced, but like that's such a big decision and you're so young. Well, wait, tell me about that.

[B]

Oh, okay, so he's, he was a motherfucker named Derek. Hello, I am famous now and you're sad bitch. Anyway, I was too timid at that time to actually tell him how I really felt. That I'm this like, you know, you're a sad fucking. Anyway, so I'm giving my 24 year old self the mic now and being like, I should have cussed you out a long time ago, Derek. Anyway, how did you meet Derek? Through a Muslim matchmaking site. Okay, so here's the thing. At that time, I had just graduated nursing school, right? And I wanted to get out of my parents house and I wanted, and I saw that at the time, the only reason the only way that I could have my own life, I envisioned was through a man. Right. It was either I live with my parents or, like, I can get married and have my own life for some reason. I mean, I know the reasons. Right. Culturally, that's how you're brought up. Yeah.

[A]

It's like, you know, either go to college and then get married. Usually, like, the end is you get married.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, at that time, things were very tumultuous with my parents. Right. I had no concept of boundaries yet. Like, the thought of boundaries was foreign, you know? And so I just graduated. And when he was this. I saw him as this opportunity that came up. Right. He had everything good. On paper. He was a white convert. And I very problematically thought that because he's a white convert, he doesn't come with the same cultural baggage. But white people. White people have their own baggage. It's just that as an Iranian woman, right, you're taught that, okay, I get to go with this literal blank slate of a person, you know, And I don't have to deal with the cultural baggage that the men of my country have. Right. Or my religion have. Right. So I saw him as like, okay, he's this lawyer, right? He's going to be culturally easy for me to deal with. He's Muslim. He meets these bullet points. I saw people as bullet points, Right. And I saw him as, I can finally have my own life if I get married to him. And because we were long distance within those years. I mean. Sorry, within those months. Thank God it wasn't years, but because it was long distance, we were idealizing the hell out of each other. Right. When we would have those phone calls, talking online and everything like that, it is so easy to get infatuated with somebody who's not in your face. Right. And unfortunately, within. Among a lot of Muslims, because, you know, we're taught the whole. And I'm not saying I don't believe in this. I. I do believe in this. I am. I'm. For me personally, I'm happy. I've only had one partner, which is my husband. Right. But at that time, you. You're taught that you should not have sex until marriage, Right. And you're also taught that you should not be dating long term, so.

[A]

Oh, wait, really? You're taught to, like, short term, then just get married?

[B]

Yes. Now that's on paper, right? Of course. Of course. There's people that are in relationships for years, right. It's complicated. Right. But I mean, we're talking like, you know, Surface level, how things are taught that, like, there is no such thing as dating, right? You. He's either your husband or he's not, right? Which we. Which there's positives to that because it weeds people out, right? In theory, it weeds people out that, like, if I'm out and meeting you. Yeah, right. If I don't see husband traits, I'm not wasting my time on you. Right. And I was kind of like that with. With my husband. I was just. When we. When we first started, you know, seeing each other and everything in my head, I was just like, we gonna get married or what? And, you know, but anyway, with him, right? With that guy Derek, you know, we were just idealizing the hell of each other before we finally met.

[A]

And like I said, far away was the long distance.

[B]

Like, Texas. He was in Texas, right? And so, you know, among the people that I was around that were like, okay, you don't date. Like, ask these questions, right? Ask these questions. If y' all align on certain values, right, then what's the problem? But here's the thing. People lie on job interviews all the time. Yeah, I lie on job interviews the fuck. Like, I don't. Like, here I am thinking that, like, you know, that, like, oh, you know, all I need is a set of questions to keep me safe. But I'm just like. I have a certain set of answers when I show up to job interviews that I know, you know, there's a part of me that's real, but then there's also a part of me where it's just like, I'm playing the game.

[A]

Well, I feel like that's with any, like, first couple months of dating or, you know, a job interview or, like, hanging out with a new friend for the first time, you're putting your best foot forward. You're not going to be like, I sometimes get really annoying and I whine. You know, you're just going to, like, be on your best behavior. So I think long distance would, like, especially, like, in the beginning of dating would just. What's the word? I'm trying to make it bigger.

[B]

Oh, yeah, because when we. When we met at the airport that day, it was, like, big and explosive. And it's just like, you. All these feelings that were just building up this whole time, and you see them in this. In this light that it's just like, this is not the real person, you know, this is a bunch of feelings that have accumulated over the last couple months, you know?

[A]

So between meeting and then meeting in person, how long was that?

[B]

I If I remember correctly, I think it was like two or three months. Okay. So I think that we had like, you know, and we would coordinate meeting up again, you know, around our vacation days. Right. You know, and there was times where I would be flying to Texas as well, you know, and it's scary to think that like I was close to marrying him. And I think that what stopped me and like I said, things were very tumultuous and I saw at home, I mean, and I saw my life that like, if I could just get a nursing job in Texas, if I could just marry this man, then I could hide behind this man. I can give my authority up to this man and be like, oh, well, he's my husband now, so I don't have to, I don't have to answer to my parents anymore. I was escaping one authority to the next instead of questioning why can't I be the authority, you know?

[A]

That's good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's very like, it's, it is interesting because I feel like sometimes people don't want to just take hold of their life. They're like, oh, this person's in charge of me. So then I'm just going to migrate to my husband who's now in charge of me, and then if that ends, I'll just get another husband. And then it's like, oh, I just never have to make a choice on my own or do anything on my own.

[B]

Yeah. Because with my parents, like, I never see stood up for myself like I deserved. Right. So like it was, it felt too scary to just take charge of my own life, you know.

[A]

And you're no contact with your parents?

[B]

I have been no contact six years and it's been, I would say the first two years of going no contact were very hard. Right. Panic attacks and you know, just, just like your body does not process until it feels safe enough to do so. My worst panic attacks was when I was out of danger.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is it because your body just gets used to like being in danger. Then it's just like, I don't know what to do.

[B]

Yep. Like I said, a familiar hell. You know, a familiar hell is better than nervous system wise. Right. It doesn't know what to do with an unfamiliar heaven. Yeah, it's good, it's good. I didn't know what to do with peace because like with, with, with peace. It was like, oh shit, I'm alone with my thoughts, you know, like I don't have to put all this energy into running, you know?

[A]

Yeah. That is interesting. I mean, I'm in the first relationship currently, where they're a nice person who treats me the way that I would like to be treated. And at first I was like, well, certainly the other issue will drop. Yep, certainly something. Should I be dramatic about this? Should I. Should I throw some spice on this situation? And it's like, no, Nicole, just, like, be nice and normal. Like, you don't have to make this bad. It's nice. So when did you break up with Derek? Did you break up with Derek or did he break up with you?

[B]

I don't. Let's see. I, I, again, I was too scared at that time to take charge, so I put him in a position where he would break up with me. Ah, yeah. Because I. It was much easier to. To say that, oh, the other person decided this for me, then take things into my own hands and deal with the consequences of what if I was wrong, you know, it's scary to take risks. And I. And I was scared of taking risk at that time. I was scared of putting my foot down and being like, this is not what I wanted. I. I don't want any of this anymore. I see. I see who he really is, you know? And again, it's like, I mean, he could be a better person now, but I think that probably not, you know? Yeah. But I don't care. He married someone else. I don't give a fuck. I'm just saying the only thing I regret was not. Was not standing up for myself, you know? And this is why I stand up for myself as much as I do now. Because it's much easier to get it off your chest and put someone in their place now than think about it for the next few years and being like, oh, I wish I said that. I'll be like, I'm not gonna wish. I'm gonna say it now. Like, you know, I'm gonna say what I'm gonna say.

[A]

Yeah, I. It depends. If I don't know you, I'll tell you exactly how I feel. Like just a random person at the airport. I'll tell you exactly how I'm feeling about you. But like a friend, I just simply can't do it. But I'm trying to get better at it. To be like, oh, I didn't like that, or that hurt my feelings, or, I'm not feeling it. Oh, there was this one time where I was like, I got home and I was so elated that I told my friend how I felt. We were going to this estate sale, There was four of us, and I got there later. And when I got there, there was the longest line I've ever seen in my life. And I was like, what number are you? And they, like, yelled at me the number. And I went, I'm going home. And they were like, really? And I was like, yeah, there's no parking, and I simply don't want to be here. And I felt so empowered.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And that's, like, the smallest bit of empowerment you can feel is when you're like, I'm just not doing that. It doesn't feel fun.

[B]

Yeah. No, I mean, and. And. And what I try to remember when I'm. When I want to speak up for myself is that, like, people have spoken up to me before. I've had friends that confront me. And, yeah, like, it does. It does kind of hurt. I'm in my feelings for a little bit, but then I cope.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I can give other people the chance to cope, too.

[A]

Yes. My therapist is always like, yeah, if you get upset, you just take some space and, like, move on. She was like, other people will do the same. You don't have to worry about their feelings. Real quick, let's take a break. Today's segment is brought to you by Bumble, the Go to dating app for finding love. Something that comes up on this podcast all the time is types. Everyone swears they have one tall, artsy, funny, whatever, but most of the time, love doesn't follow a checklist. And honestly, that's where the best surprises come in. Like, for me, I used to say, I'll get jazz. I thought it all sounded the same, and I couldn't get into it. But then I went on this date, and this guy takes me to a jazz jam. Suddenly he's up there on stage with a saxophone, and he's absolutely shredding it. And I'm sitting there being like, oh, my God, this is hot. Jazz is hot. I understood it now, and it was the nicest surprise. That's what I like about Bumble. You might go in thinking you know your type, but then you see someone's profile, their shared interest, their prompts, and then you realize, wait, there's a whole vibe here that I would have just never considered. Just like that jazz date. It can flip your whole perspective and make you excited about someone unexpected. And Bumble makes it feel safe to put yourself out there. They've got ID verification, which confirms someone's age and identity, so you can feel confident that the person you're chatting with is real. Dating doesn't have to be stressful. It can be Surprising and fun. So what are you waiting for? Download Bumble and start your love story. We're back. Wait. Yes. Tell me how you met your husband.

[B]

So at this time I think I was like 29 or so and I really tried going the traditional route as being Muslim. Right. And I, I was going.

[A]

What do you mean by the traditional route?

[B]

Oh, I, at that time I even hired an, I even hired an online matchmaker. It was, I think, I think the company was called Beyond Chai or something like that. Because at this time the Muslim dating sites like there we have something called Minder, it's Muslim Tinder. And that one. Yeah. And that one was a disappointment. I think there was also like Muzz Match or something like that. I don't even know all the Muslim dating. I like it.

[A]

They're all, they're all first drafts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's really funny.

[B]

Yeah. And so there was an online matchmaker person and I was just like, okay, cool, I'm paying, I'm paying for a personalized experience because I was working labor and delivery. I worked with all women all day. There's no. And I was not in a teaching hospital there. I was not going to meet some hot resident or something like that. That was going to be my husband and we could have this amazing doctor nurse married life.

[A]

Is that where you see TV shows where there's like young hot people in the hospital? Those are teaching hospitals.

[B]

Teaching hospitals, yes.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

And I was even so, so desperate, I guess to find a husband at that time where I was just like, you know what, I'm going to take a per diem nursing job at a teaching hospital so maybe I can find my doctor husband. Right. Because the doctors I worked with that, that my full time job, they were all like in their 50s or higher. I mean like, you know, the selection was poor.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Right. So I was just like, I'm going to go work per diem at Long Beach Memorial because it's a teaching hospital and I, and I will find my Muslim doctor husband.

[A]

Like, I mean, I like it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To me this is a good plan.

[B]

Yeah. You know, so, yeah. So I was like, okay, I'm going to pay for a personalized experience through Beyond Chai. I don't even know if they around anymore. But I gave her my deal breakers. I was like, I don't want someone who is homophobic. I don't want somebody that, you know, I don't want like a misogynist or So I was, I was giving her all like, you know, the, the woke criteria.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know.

[A]

Yes, I'm very woke.

[B]

Right? Yeah.

[A]

But honestly, it's not even that woke. It's just like, yeah, don't hate gay people, don't hate women. Just like, be nice.

[B]

I was giving a relatively for them, you know.

[A]

Yes, no, I get.

[B]

And so, and I, I made two things very clear. I was just like, I am not taking my hijab for anybody because surprise, even though we're Muslim, there's Muslim men who do not prefer someone who wears hijab. They do not want someone who covers their hair. Even though, even though, like, you know, like, yeah, like it. It's crazy on the online Muslim community that it's like they will get very strict on certain things. But it's the Internet. It's the Internet. Inconsistent virtues is always. They're going to be virtue signaling while having very inconsistent virtues themselves. Right. So they want religious this and that, but they're like, nah, hijab is where I draw the line. So interesting. This site was giving other men the option to do you prefer hijabi or not hijabi? They get, they get to do the drop down menu. Anyway, so I made it very clear. I was like, I am not taking my hijab off. And also I don't speak Arabic. I am Iranian. Because, you know, there, there is, there are a lot of men who prefer someone Arab speaking. Right. But I made it very clear, I don't speak Arabic. I can read Arabic for Quran reasons. Right. It shares the same Alphabet as Farsi. But I like, you know, do you speak Farsi like a kindergartner? Because that's when I left Farsi school. Like, but I can get by. And, and this lady was sending me matches where it said not hijabi preferred and prefer Arab speaking. And I was just like, hold up, I'm not paying you to be someone's second best. I was. And she was arguing with me. She was just like, well, they're not deal breakers. And I'm just like, I am not paying you to give me people who see me as second best.

[A]

Yes. Because then it's just like, oh, I guess I'll go out with her. Or it's not what I prefer. Yeah. When you have a matchmaker, it's like, we'll just match preferences with preferences.

[B]

Yeah. Because I'm like, I'm paying. If I wanted to be second best, I'll go for free on minder. Like, what is this? You know? And so as far as how I met my husband, that was really funny. Right. And so I was Fed up. And so that night, one of my friends accidentally double booked me, and then my husband, now, who's his friend, and they were like, can we all just go out to dinner tonight? Like, I accidentally double booked both y'. All. And I was like, okay, cool. Turns out he was cute. And like I said at this time, I was fed up trying to go the traditional route. So when he was telling me that, you know, his family was born and raised in Iran and, you know, all that, and I was just like, okay, I'm listening. And again, he was. I found him very attractive. So he was showing me photos of his cat on his phone. So I took his phone and I put my number in it, and I said, now you got another pussy in your phone. And now we're married.

[A]

Like, it's very smooth. I mean, he liked it. You can. I'm a firm believer, and you can't say the wrong thing to the right person.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

He liked it.

[B]

Yeah. Cause in my head, I was just like, I have nothing to lose. And also, if he sees me as too forthcoming, then that's not the right person for me, you know, so. But yeah, we also broke up the first time. We had a lot of growing to do. And how long have you been together in total? I've, like, since. Since 2017. So, yeah, but we.

[A]

Years.

[B]

Yeah, we broke up.

[A]

Did I do that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you broke up for how long?

[B]

We broke up, I think, for like, six months. We even deleted each other on Facebook.

[A]

Like, you were like, this is it. Goodbye.

[B]

Well, he's younger, so he's five and a half years younger than I am, you know? And like I said at that time, I was not yet. No contact with my parents.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

So. Not that he knew my parents. He did not meet my parents the first time around. But I think that it was. Something in my gut told me he's the right person at the. But at the wrong time, you know, which is what made the breakup harder. I was crying way more over him than I was Derek at that time. You know, Derek. It was like, okay. I told him. I'm like, you know what? I ain't moving to Texas. I take everything I set back. I am not moving. And he was like, well, I am moving to California. I'm like, cool.

[A]

Like, it's like, all right, well, I guess it is what it is. I guess we're not going to be together.

[B]

Yeah. So with. With real quick, with Derek, he said, we can. Why don't we just be friends? And I told him outright, I Was like, you can break up with me, but I did not sign up to be your friend in this. Yeah, if you decide to break it off, I am blocking you everywhere.

[A]

I know it's very contrived, but whenever I date somebody and they're like, let's be friends, I always feel like I didn't come here to make friends.

[B]

Yeah, I ain't one of your little friends.

[A]

I'm not coming to minder to make a friend.

[B]

And also, they. They want you to stay around as a friend to keep you as a backup option.

[A]

Yes. You know, I did stay friends with one man that I dated, and I think I was like, I'll call your bluff. She was like, I think we'd be better off as friends. And I was like, all right, friend, let's go to the movies together. I was not having fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I did not have one fun time with this person. But we went to the movies, I think, three times after we stopped dating. And I think it just really. I. I think we both ghosted one another. I don't remember how it actually, like, ended up fizzling out, but, yeah, he broke up with me because he was too busy with work and tennis, and he was on the podcast.

[B]

We'll talk later. Yeah. So, you know. But yeah, with. With my now husband. I think we broke up at that time because, you know, he. He still was not healed from his prior relationship, and I still. I. I still had my own growing to do. You know, we. We came back around the second time because again, we met through mutual friends, and, you know, those mutual friends were keeping us apart.

[A]

How did you get back together, though?

[B]

So by 2017, I was. Not yet. No contact, but it was what happened. Everything with my parents was enough for. To be. For me to finally move out and get my own apartment.

[A]

Are you from California?

[B]

I am from la. California. Okay. Yeah. So I got my own apartment. And it was. It was. It was Ramadan. And so I was. I kept having people over for, like, dinner and everything, and months had passed by, and in my head, I was just like, I just see that guy as a friend. I'm over it. I got too much going on. I'm enjoying having my own place. Like, we're just in a different place. And the mutual friends were like, hey, can. Can. Are we cool? Can we all hang out again? Right? You know, they were like, oh, well, you know, that, like, he's. He's over it. He's fine. Everybody hang out. He's seeing other people. And I was like, I'm Good. Yeah. So long story short, he. Every time that they would come over for dinner during Ramadan, he. He would stay up and wash my dishes while the rest of them were just like, lounging on my sofa. So he would wash my dishes all the time. And then his birthday came around and I was just like, I feel like doing something nice for him. So I got him a little cake. And I just remember the way he smiled at that cake. Like, just made me so happy. Right. And I was just like, you don't feel this way about someone who's just your little friend like that, you know? So then weeks later, you know, and then. And then I think like a week later, I was just like, you want to go for a walk? And I'll. Cause like, you totally take just one of your little friends on a walk on the cliffs during sunset.

[A]

Uh huh. Very romantic walk with my friend, my friend. Nothing will happen.

[B]

Yeah. And you know, this is not halal at all, what I'm about to say. I am not saying any of this is right, but like, you know, then. And then, you know, the wind is slightly blowing my hijab off.

[A]

Oh, no. Oh my goodness.

[B]

And I didn't try to fight that wind. And I'm just like, this wind is in God's hands now. I don't. Yeah. And then you totally kiss your friend when the sun is setting.

[A]

Yep. And it's so romantic friendship.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love. That's so sweet. And then. Okay, so after you kiss your friend at sunset, did you or was he like, let's get back together?

[B]

I think. I think like three weeks later, I was it. The whole what are we? Situation came up and I brought it up again. I was just like, do you see us getting married one day? And he was like, absolutely. And I was just like, all right. And so that. That was July 30, 2017. That was it. Like, that's so sweet. You know, I think we were gonna get married. We didn't get married until 2023, but. But we wanted to get married. I think probably around 2019. And then pandemic happened, you know.

[A]

Yeah, that throws a lot of plans for a loop. A global pandemic. How did you get into pole dancing? When did you get into it?

[B]

In August of 2019. So that's the month that I went. No contact. So basically at this time, me and my now husband were together. And you know, he had a relationship with my parents. Right. Because with how tumultuous things were with my parents, they liked him. Right. And I. That Gave me hope. I was just like, okay, maybe we could have. I could have a civil relationship with my parents from a distance and he could be the bridge, right? Because they liked him until he stood up for me. Then they didn't like him.

[A]

Then they were like, oh, fuck this. We want everyone to belittle her.

[B]

Yep. I think my mom was hoping that. That like, one time I got very sick and one, and I got norovirus. And while I was throwing up in the urgent care, my man answered the phone. It was my mom calling. First thing my mom told him was, she does this to herself. Like, she doesn't listen to me about not getting sick. She eats out too much. She does this to herself, like just talking shit about me to him while I am right there. And he was horrified, you know, but she thought that he was going to be one of her little friends to talk shit about me, you know, that's wild.

[A]

Anybody who says shit like that is so wild to me because I'm like, that's just pure narcissism. To be like, oh, they didn't listen to me. So they in turn are now sick. And I'm gonna say that out loud to somebody, especially their partner. That's so wild to me.

[B]

Yeah, because again, he met bullet points to my parents. He was educated, his family's from Iran, you know, like, he's tall, he's good looking, you know, and. And you know, make them look good. So anyway, so In August of 2019, when one day my dad was. Was coming at me sideways, yelling at me because I was finally putting up of some. A reasonable boundary, he starts yelling at me. And my husband was like, you know, I don't like you talking to her that way. And then he was like, who the hell are you? Right? And he was just like, I'm her future husband and you're not going to talk to her that way. Right? And then my dad got belligerent. It's a blur. I don't even remember what he did. I just remember he'd started swinging and we were gone. You know, we ran out and I never saw my parents again. And so two weeks later, I did poll because I think that although I was finally freed, you know, and I reached rock bottom, which was seeing them treat somebody very close to me the way that they treat me. I was used to it, right? It's a terrible thing to get used to, but I was used to it. That's why I couldn't recognize when that danger was happening to me. But when you see it on somebody else. That's when you're just like, nah. Like, I was ready to fight after that, you know, And I had to fight to keep that. No contact. It's not like my parents just accepted that, like, oh, you know, our daughter's not going to talk to us anymore. They convince themselves that my husband is who's keeping me from them, right? So with that said, the next few weeks was just like therapy twice a week, you know, panic attacks and so on. I needed something to take me out of my comfort zone. And so I saw that just a mile from me was the pole studio, right? In North Hollywood. And Class Path was giving a promotion two weeks free. And I was just like, let me go learn some hoe shit. I. Learning some hoe shit is what's. Is what I need right now. I don't need to do running or swimming or karate. I need to just do some stripper shit. Right? So I showed up to the first class, which was Monica's class, I think, which is where we met, right? The level one.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I just was expecting to just, you know, learn professional stripper shit because I just. I just wanted to shake my ass in a group full of. I called prior. I was like, is this going to be a women's only class? They're like, yeah. And I was like, okay, I'm going to come in and shake my ass and have people applaud me for it. I just need to. Something to take me out of this like hell that I was feeling at this time, you know? And. And yeah, the answer was just shaking my ass and in front of a bunch of women who would applaud me for it.

[A]

It is nice. It does feel good when you, like, get a move, right? And everyone's like, yeah, you go, girl. You're like, yes, I go. I go.

[B]

Good. Yeah. And so I. I wasn't expecting a stay. I mean, I walked in the class with my hijab on because I was just like, okay, like, I'm prepared to be the joke here. I'm prepared to be the outsider because I'm not doing this to try to learn how to be a stripper. My idea of pole class was for, like, strippers in training. I thought I was just visiting. I didn't expect to stay.

[A]

I was just visiting the stripper world just to stop on the train.

[B]

Yeah. And so. But everybody was just so welcoming. They wanted to know who I was. Monica introduced herself as, like, you know, she saw me come in with my hijab and she was like, oh, you know, my sister's a convert, you know, And I was just like, damn. Like, she. She's a former stripper herself, and she here. She was trying to make me feel welcome rather than trying to question, like, what is she doing here?

[A]

That's what I love about the studio. I do feel like it's super inclusive and, like, very welcoming. Cause my very first class, I was the biggest person in the class, but nobody ever made me feel like I was the biggest person in the class. Nobody ever made me feel like I couldn't do things. And Veronica in particular is. I've said it on this podcast before. I love her so much, because if I can't do something, she'll figure out why I can't do it. So, like, I've come to, like, our private sessions, and she's like, okay, so I watched a video of this lady with really big boobs, and this is how she holds it better. And I was like, oh, okay. And then, like, I don't have the biggest titties, but I got a wide back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A nice lady who did a bra fit on me. She told me that very loudly.

[B]

So an actual big back? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I am an actual big back. She's got it. Um, but, yeah, she'll just, like, make an adjustment for me. And, like, that feels so nice. As opposed to, like. And I've gone to other studios in other states and not to shit on them, but I've had instructors be like, oh, you just need to be stronger. And it's like, no, I don't. I can lift my body up the pole. I can hold my body on the pole. Maybe it's. Maybe it's the way you're teaching it or you're not teaching it for my body. I don't know. But you get a lot of, like, comments when you post stuff online that, like, it's immoral or, like, which is wild to me because you're fully clothed. You wear grippy pants. Like you're fully clothed.

[B]

Yeah, well, I mean, I'm fully cold, but I have a. I have a double D chest, right? So, like, you know, it doesn't matter that I'm fully clothed. But here's the thing. If people want to see you as a hoe or. Or an actual. They're going to find reasons, right? I could be if. If you want to believe. You know, I'm. I'm indecent. Like, the fact that a little bit of my hairline is showing, it's just like, okay, I'm going to hell for that. Right. Really, people. That's the thing. People come on the Internet not trying to. They're not looking to accept you as a person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're looking to dump.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

Right. And so, you know, I very innocently posted my video because the reason I stayed in pole was because when I went to Veronica's class, which, you know, Monica's class was more like, you know, dance, which I loved. Right. Veronica was more strength.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And so when I noted when I started to learn that pole is hard, right. My. My ego was like, nah. Like, I'm. I'm going to keep coming back until I learn how to climb. I am not going to live with myself, the fact that I can't climb this pole and everybody else can in that class. So I kept coming back and I kept. I would go to Veronica's classes and everything. And so when Veronica became my private instructor, she would take videos and she was like, that's a beautiful video. You should post that. Right? And I did not understanding the implications of Instagram being public, you know, I treated it like it was Facebook. I just. I acted like a boomer on the Instagram. I was just like, I want to post this nice video for my friends to see. And then it got shared by a bunch of angry Egyptian men who look like a thumb. I remember this dude's one receding hairline. It was like the reflection of his camera was like, it is sure. On that receding hairline. And I don't speak Arabic. I didn't know what he was saying about me, but people, my friends were being like, you know, they're sharing your videos. I'm like, really? And so, like, you know, then I saw my following go up and up because they were sharing it to make fun of me. But then it attracted a bunch of other women, were just like, hey, I. I'm Muslim and I do poll too, you know, or I love seeing you on the poll. Like, it's inspiring. So it's just like, jokes on them. They made me popular, you know, I wasn't even trying to get popular. I'm a nurse practitioner. I'm not. I'm not in this industry. I'm not trying to be an influencer. I have a high following, but I'm not. I don't consider myself an influencer. I'm just a regular ass person. Do people think I'm funny? You know, like, anyway, so, yeah, like, they were. I got a lot of hate messages. I got like, a lot of messages saying, I hope you break your neck on that Pole. And I'm just like, you know, none of you are saying anything that comes close to my abusive parents. So at least. Damn, I had enough. I mean, I had a. A terribly emotionally abusive childhood, but mine, you know, it numbed me enough where I'm just like, there is nothing any of you can say that'll come close to what I grew up with hearing.

[A]

I like that you arrived on that on your own, because that's how I feel whenever people say awful things about me. I'm like, well, I don't know. You're not telling me anything new. Okay, I'm fat. I have a mirror. It's like, you're not funny. And it's like, you can't be funny for everybody. That's literally impossible. It's like, you're ugly. I'm like, all right, maybe my makeup didn't look good that day. I don't know. But, like, you're not telling me something.

[B]

Well, I did.

[A]

Hurting me.

[B]

I did learn insults on an international level. I was like, damn, this is educational. So, like, there was. I want to make it very clear. It's not just, like, Arab men that were coming after me. Like, the Russians were the meanest.

[A]

The Russians.

[B]

And I'm just like, we're not. I'm not even. You're not even Muslim. Why are you coming after me? What did I do? Like, apparently on my videos, there was a. There was Russian Polk instructors that were talking shit, and they were like, you look like a fat cow on ice. And I was like, that sounds very specific to a certain culture. We don't have that. Yeah, we don't. Yeah.

[A]

No, no. They're just mad about Vladdy Poots.

[B]

That's.

[A]

They're just trying to get their aggression out on you. That's wild. That other Pole people were like, I have something to say. You also posted a video where you fall off the Pole in the wildest way. I think you land on your back. You were doing a pulse.

[B]

It was. Yeah, it was during Pand. And I was maybe seven months experienced, right? And I had. I had a stage poll because at this time, all the Pole studios were shut down, right? And, yeah, I had a silicone pole, so I was able to pull in regular clothes, which adhere to it. And unfortunately, I was approaching Pole like I did swimming or like any other endurance sport. I was just like, nama. Keep going until I have nothing left. That's a very dangerous thing to do on Pole because by the time you find out you have nothing left, you're in the Air, you know? And basically I was just like, nah, I need at this time. My following is growing. So I was just like, I need. I need to give the people what they want.

[A]

The people want to see me on the pole. I have to hop on the play and I gotta climb the highest I've ever climbed.

[B]

Yeah. And so I was doing a layback. So my. My legs were gripping the pole for dear life, and I was laying all the way back. And then I was just like, all right, I got the perfect video. And I come up and I fatigued. Like, here was the pole, here was my hand. This is where I fatigued, and I just. I couldn't grab it, and I just fell flat on my back. And my downstairs neighbor, this very nice old Jewish lady named Lois, she called me and she was like, nana, did you feel that earthquake? I just wanna make sure you're okay.

[A]

Now that's an insult. That's very funny. Did you. If I fell and someone called me and said, did you seal the earthquake? I would fade right up to heaven. I'm dying. That's so funny. What did you say? Were you like, we're okay?

[B]

I sent her a video of what I was doing. Cause I caught the fall on video, and I was just like, lois, you don't know this about me, but I needed to find a pandemic hobby.

[A]

Oh, my God, that's so funny. Did you feel the earthquake? Yeah, I felt it. I felt it right in my back. Did you hurt yourself at all, or was it just the wind knocked out of you?

[B]

The wind knocked out of me. Luckily, I fell such that, you know, my neck was protected. Right. And I fell flat on my back. So it just. It just hurt the nick. The wind was knocked out of me, and I had to. I had to catch my breath. But you could see that my heel. I had my. My hoe heels on at that time. And you just hear them clanking on the stage pole as I'm trying to turn around and trying to come to. But, yeah, I didn't lose consciousness. I didn't hit my head or nothing.

[A]

Boy, sometimes I get scared. Like, I don't really do tricks in the air one because it's incredibly hard. But I think past it being hard, my brain's like, nah, you're not gonna get hurt up there. You stay close to the ground.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I've only fallen off. I fell off my own pole and I didn't have a mat. Did you. You didn't have a mat either on.

[B]

The stage after that. I Got a mat. Yeah. But at that time, Monica was still. It was still safe enough for Monica to come over and give me home lessons. And I, and I reviewed that fall with her and I'm glad that fall happened because, you know, she, she had to sit down, talk. She was like, look, like, I know you're getting popular, right? Okay. But there is no injury worth getting a perfect video for. She was like, you are not trying to perform, you're not trying to train for Cirque du Soleil. You know, and her being a former stripper, she was like, you know, Netta, like, even if, even if, even if you wanted to work in the club, okay, nobody cares about those complicated tricks, okay? It's not worth it to get injured over a complicated trick. They're, they're looking for, you know, the, the audience is looking for tricks that you look very relaxed and seductive and they don't care about that. Aisha, they. What do you show? She was like, you want to do other things in your life, don't you? Like, you know, she was like, you still wanna go to work? You know, this is not your source of income. You don't gotta be doing all this. And that's when I was like, you know, I'm glad she had that talk with me. Cause I never had an injury since.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

There is never. If I start to fatigue, I don't push it hard because I'm just like this, this is not my source of income. Yeah.

[A]

This is something I'm doing for fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's like, why push myself to the brink of exhaustion for something that I'm doing for fun? I hurt my arm last week and now I'm trying to nurse it back to health.

[B]

Oh, what's it. You heard it in pole.

[A]

Yeah, I think I was doing it. I think it's called a swizzle. I don't know, a body twist.

[B]

They make up names for everything they do.

[A]

And everybody has a different name for different things. Like, and around the world is a step around in other places or what else did I hear? Whatever. They all have different names and I, I just call them. I'm like, ooh, that's a Swing aroundy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This one was in a one armed body in front of Swing Aroundy.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. And it's just like, you know, now, now it's like, well, at least, at least it was just. It's nothing that Motrin can't fix, right? We gotta have surgery or nothing, right?

[A]

No, I don't think so.

[B]

Yeah, that's why I don't feel like I could ever compete because there's people that are competitors in pole and I'm just like, okay, I respect it. I respect the passion, but no, that's too much.

[A]

That's like you're training for, like, you're. You're an athlete training for like the Olympics. I guess. Pole competitions are kind of like mini Olympics.

[B]

Yeah. Except you don't get no sponsorship.

[A]

I have a question. Do you have any advice for single people?

[B]

Let's see. I. Damn, that's a hard one. Because it's a different time from when I was. From 2017. Right. I have not been single since 2017. It's, it's. It's hard to give advice because it's just like the, the level of crimes out there, man. Like, there's so many dating documentaries now that are just based on people just having this double life, you know, I would say my dating advice is to, like, watch Forensic Files, like, just, you know, just. Just to know what people are doing or like, you know, true crime or something like that. I, I hate true crime. To correct true crime on tick tock. But it's just like, you know, you start to learn things. So I would say, you know, if. Let's say crime was not in the back of our heads, if, like, murder wasn't something we had to worry about, right. I would just say don't treat your dates like it's a job interview. Like, you know, don't tell people what they want to hear because eventually what you really wanted to say and what they really wanted to say is going to come out in a few months and then you're blindsided. Be like, they were not this. That. You weren't this way either when y' all started dating, you know?

[A]

Yeah. I think that's good advice to, like, just be yourself. Don't try to put your best foot forward. Just be who you are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, you're an annoying bitch. Be an annoying bitch.

[B]

Yeah, be that. Like, I think the worst thing you do is tell someone what, what they want to hear, you know, and some people see that as like a. Like, you know, that's what you got to do to pay the entry fee. And maybe that's true in some case. I'm not saying, you know, I did hit on my husband, right? So he knows exactly who I am. Right. But I'm not going to unload all my trauma day one either.

[A]

No, that has to trickle out. You just drop a little bomb here and there and be like this awful thing happened.

[B]

Can you believe it?

[A]

Can you believe it?

[B]

I would say, though, like, you know, I would say if. Let's say you are just dating, whether you just got divorced, right? Because I'm 37, a lot of my friends are now divorced, right. And they are trying to start dating again. Right. I would treat the casual dates like it's an open mic, right. You're not going to pay too much to show up. You're not going to, you know, stay there too long, right? They are open mics to train for, you know, the main show that might be coming soon. Right? That's. That's how I would approach it.

[A]

I think that's smart because you can't go into every date being like, I'm going to marry this person. And I used to do that. I used to go on every single date being like, this is it. This is the end. All, be all. We're gonna get married and it's gonna be great. And then my therapist was like, why don't you just try having fun? Yeah, why don't you just try having a nice time? And then I started doing that. And then I would get asked on second dates and I was like, why? You had a nice time? And then I was like, oh, yeah, I had a nice time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you have to, like, really think about it. Like, did I like that person or was I just having fun by myself?

[B]

Yeah. I would, I would also say as somebody who's had, like I said, I've only had one partner. Right. But I know that's not standard these days. I would say though that it's easy to get diplomatized. Okay, Don't. I know I like, I support having sex with whoever you want to have sex with. But if you are trying to get a long term relationship, okay. Don't. Don't let dick. Don't let that dick deceive you too early. Okay. I got very lucky that I got good D from a good person. Otherwise, I totally understand why people stay in terrible relationships with someone who has good D. Yeah. Do not let. Do not let that man put his best D forward before he puts his best self bored. That's how you get diplomatized. That's how you end up with the wrong person, you know? And if you want to have kids, just remember that, like, you know, whoever you're with, you are protecting your future children. If that's what you want, you know?

[A]

Yeah, that is. Right. My friend's mom said, don't marry somebody that you wouldn't divorce.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

And I think that's really good advice because it's like, if it doesn't work out, you want the divorce to be amicable. So it's like, marry someone that you know that your divorce will be okay, that you both can choose to not be together, and no one's gonna, like, backstab one another. I was like, that's good.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No, because it's just like, family law is terrible. Family court does not follow constitutional law. Really? Nah. I mean, there was a documentary. I'm not a lawyer. Right. But basically, the friends that I've gone through divorce. Like, if the other person makes allegations against you, now you got to pay your lawyer to beat those allegations. They could say whatever they want. And now you got to pay your lawyer to try to disprove those allegations because now y' all got kids.

[A]

My God.

[B]

I have friends. I've had friends. And, you know, they're going through ugly divorces.

[A]

Yeah. Just don't get married.

[B]

Don't do it.

[A]

Don't get married. What is a nurse practitioner?

[B]

Oh, a nurse practitioner is somebody that can. It's is someone who was an rn.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Right. I was an RN for five years, and I still have my rn. Right. But if I want to have prescribing capability. Right. Without having to call a doctor and ask, can I prescribe Tylenol or something like that. Right. I have the authority prescribe and diagnose. A nurse can treat. A nurse can treat and assess. Right. And they could intervene, as in emergency situations. Right. They can manage emergencies and so on. But a nurse practitioner, I have. I have the authority to prescribe and tell you what's wrong with you. You know, I have a supervising physician. Right. But again, the nurse practitioner means that I went to school for a little bit longer and did extra licensing so I could see my own patients in a clinic.

[A]

So you can write me a prescription today if I wanted one.

[B]

Yeah. What do you want? Oh, my God. What do I want? Oh, my God.

[A]

Adderall. No, I'm kidding. I'm on Vyvanse. I don't need any more ADHD medicine. It doesn't do anything for me. Like, past helps me open my mail, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I can't really abuse it. I'll just do more work around the house.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, with ADHD medication, honestly, I let the psych NPS or the psychiatrists deal with that. Because I'm like, no, with the. With that medication, we call those control drugs. And they have a higher risk of addiction.

[A]

Yes. And they make it very Hard for me to get it from Walgreens every month.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's not nice because I have to be responsible to call them once a month. But I take the medicine so I don't forget to do things. But when I've run out, I'll forget to do it. It's a vicious cycle. What's the closest drug to a Quaalude?

[B]

What are you trying to escape? Damn. Nothing.

[A]

But I've just, like, heard about Quaaludes and how wild they are, and I was like, what's the modern equivalent?

[B]

So Quaaludes, I think, are barbiturate. Right. And they are downers. So I would. I would say alcohol. Oh, I'm not 100. Sure. Because Quaaludes is some 70. It is, yeah. So I'm like, well, I guess we have benzos now. But, like, I don't. I don't consider those.

[A]

What's a benzo?

[B]

Is that Xanax, Ativan, Xanax. But those are benzodiazepines. They're not barbiturates. They're still downers, I guess.

[A]

What's a barbiturate?

[B]

A barbiturate is that that Marilyn Monroe overdosed on.

[A]

And they don't make them anymore.

[B]

They do, but it's not like, you know, it's like we call phenobarbital, for example. That's a seizure medication. Right. And again, your guess is as good as mine, because I don't prescribe barbiturates either. Like.

[A]

I was like, maybe I get some drug answers. Well, we have reached the end. I ask all my guests this. Would you date me?

[B]

Absolutely, I would date you. Because, Nicole, you are the same person as a friend. Then you're the same person when you're a friend. And also, like, when you are here. Because, you know, I have. I have been. I have been on podcasts before, and I'm just like, the person that this host is. Is very different from when we talk in person.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

It's like, you know, you're an actor, so it's like you got a certain personality here. You have to. Right. I have a certain personality at work. Totally acceptable. But I don't feel like the person you are when we talk in real life is much different. I feel like I've just been talking to my friend this whole time.

[A]

Yeah, well, it is interesting. Cause I've had people say that who've met me, and they're like, oh, you're just like how you are when you host. Nailed it. And I Was like, yes. And I do understand that some people have a Persona, and then their Persona is different than who they are as a person. But I guess I'm like, that seems to be very exhausting to create a whole different Persona. I just rather lean into. Like, maybe I'm happier when I'm recording than I am in real life, but, like, in real life, I'm pretty happy.

[B]

Well, I mean, you've seen how many people cheat on each other. Leading a double life comes naturally to certain people. Ooh, yeah.

[A]

Ooh, that was a hot take. Leading a double life comes natural to some people. I think you're right.

[B]

Yeah. For me, it couldn't happen to me because I feel like once you lie, you got to make another lie to cover up that lie.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So I might as well just tell the truth from the beginning because, like, I'm too lazy to keep up with myself.

[A]

Yes. Because then if. Yeah, if you lie and then someone calls you out on it and you're like, well, yeah, and then this, and then this.

[B]

And then you're like, well, it's too much effort. I just would rather just tell the truth up front. And I'm gonna tell the truth right now. I called out sick for this. For this podcast.

[A]

Sick as hell, dude. That's how you justify it? I thought you were sick. Yeah, sick as hell, my dude. Do you have anything you want to promote?

[B]

Let's see. Well, you can. Y' all can follow me on my page. Hijabilicious. Hijabilicious is a different Muslim who's not affiliated with me.

[A]

Well, perfect. Uh. Oh, I didn't look at any of the notes today. Sorry, Lindsey. Wait, you did a two mile race in the ocean?

[B]

I did.

[A]

Seems hard.

[B]

Yeah, I can do hard things.

[A]

That should have been something. I should have talked. Whatever. Okay, well, if you like this episode of why won't you date me? You can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, and give me five stars on Apple podcasts. And if you write me something nasty, hitting on me to why won't you date me? Podcastmail.com, i will read it out loud. Please keep it a little short because people, you've been writing novels. Okay, this person writes. Hi, Nicole. I want. I want you to show me all of your favorite pole moves. Oh, I'll watch in awe and admiration, showering you with praise. When you're done, you sink to the floor, and I pull out some purple shibari rope and bind you intricately to the pole until you cannot move. Then I slowly kiss, lick and nibble at your neck, your nipples, your hips, your thighs until you're dripping wet and begging for more. I present you with an array of dildos, and you choose the thickest one, which happens to be a lovely lavender silicone number. Purple's my favorite color. And I sling it into my strap and pound away. You come again and again and again until you're a quivering puddle. I've untied you, but you still cannot move for aftercare. Will get stoned, watch ghosts, and eat Cracklin Oat Bran. That's my favorite cereal. Okay, goodbye. Oh, you've been listening to why Won't yout Date Me With Me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars, with executive producer Anya Kanefskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of Content at Headgum is Katie Moose. And our thief music is arranged by Mike Comate. Ah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye.

[B]

Bye.

[A]

That was a Hitgum podcast. Today's segment is brought to you by Bumble, the Go to dating app for finding love. At the end of the day, your type might not be who you actually fall for. And that's what makes dating fun. Bumble helps you see someone's real vibe with prompts and shared interests so you can connect in ways you didn't expect. Try it today. Start your love story. Bumblebee.