"Finding Our Neurodivergent Voice"

Women & ADHD Podcast – Katy Weber with Madeline Grace Matthews & Karla Pretorius
Episode 206 — February 2, 2026

Episode Overview

In this special episode, Katy Weber interviews Madeline Grace Matthews, a young author with autism and a mild cognitive disability, and her mentor and therapist, Karla Pretorius, who is also neurodivergent. Together, they explore Madeline's journey toward self-acceptance and healing after a lifetime of feeling "different, not less." The discussion centers on Madeline's new book, 19 Letters to Myself, and the power of writing, self-reflection, and supportive relationships in building resilience and self-worth. The second half of the episode features in-depth insights from Karla on the intersection of academic research and lived ADHD experience in women.

Main Themes & Purpose

• The transformative process of writing letters to one's younger self as a healing tool for neurodivergent women.
• Challenging the stigma around autism and ADHD, especially in adolescence.
• The importance of acceptance, self-advocacy, and supportive relationships.
• Understanding and normalizing neurodivergent traits across cultures.
• Bridging academic research and lived experience to enhance support for women with ADHD.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Power of Writing to Your Younger Self

(Book process, self-acceptance, and healing)

• Origin of the Book: Madeline began writing letters to her younger self as a coping mechanism, which evolved into a means for healing past traumas and understanding her neurodivergent identity. (04:58)

  • "I started writing them as a coping skill, but later it turned into something like helping me let go of things that happened in the past." — Madeline [04:58]
  • "Writing is a lot easier for me than talking. So writing things out really helped me just release it." — Madeline [05:19]

• Therapeutic Collaboration: Karla, as Madeline’s therapist and mentor, recognized the potential in Madeline’s self-reflective writings, highlighting how trust-building and supportive guidance can facilitate personal growth and confidence. (05:31–06:41)

• Self-Kindness & Accepting Big Emotions:

  • Madeline's letters emphasize hope and the affirmation that neurodivergence is not a flaw.
  • Karla underscores the importance of validating and sitting with our feelings, rather than immediately trying to "fix" them. (07:47–08:55)
  • "There's nothing wrong with you." — Katy [07:07]

2. The Symbolism of Axolotls & Animal Companions

(Resilience, companionship, self-regeneration)

• Animal Imagery: Axolotls become a motif for resilience and regeneration, representing the ability to adapt and renew despite challenges. (09:28)

  • "I love that they can regenerate parts of their body, like their limbs or parts of their brain even, and their whole spinal cord." — Madeline [09:28]

• Animals as Healers: Madeline’s connection to her dog, Angel, illustrates how non-judgmental animal relationships provide emotional regulation and support. (08:55–10:09)

3. Navigating Trauma & Change

(Uprooting, trust, the role of therapy and family)

• Madeline’s story includes moving to China at age 7, being uprooted at 16, and adjusting to new cultures as part of a missionary family (28:11). The upheaval added complexity to her neurodivergent experience, but supportive figures (her family and therapist) were crucial for her healing.

4. Embracing Neurodivergent Strengths and Self-Advocacy

(Valuing difference, “main character” energy, reframing smartness)

• Affirming Differences: Both Madeline and Karla reiterate the message: "Different, not less" (30:02). Rather than focusing on deficits, they stress recognizing unique strengths.

  • “You might not be smart at one thing, but you're smart at other things." — Katy (Paraphrased) [26:12]

• Taking Ownership of the Narrative: Writing allowed Madeline to become the "main character" of her story, facilitating empowerment and reframing her past. (26:58–27:32)

• Learning to Say No: Madeline developed agency and confidence to assert boundaries during the writing process, a significant step towards self-advocacy. (17:03)

5. Tools & Strategies for Emotional Regulation

(Journaling, mindfulness, sensory strategies)

• Personalized Strategies: Both guests highlight finding regulation tools that work with their energy levels: quiet time, five senses and five-finger breathing, rage cleaning, or physical activity like Muay Thai. (18:38–21:04)

  • "I just want to do something that's at the same level of the energy that I'm feeling." — Karla [19:11]
  • "I often organize my room when I feel anxious." — Madeline [21:11]

• Journaling & Alternatives: Karla suggests visual methods (photos), voice notes, or simply paying attention to one's mood as more ADHD-friendly alternatives to daily written journaling. (13:53)

6. Masking, Rejection Sensitivity, and Healing from Shame

(Authenticity, advocating for self, navigating social expectations)

• Masking: Discussion centers on recognizing and reducing masking behaviors, practicing honesty about one’s reactions, and seeking spaces where authenticity is safe. (39:50–41:52)

  • "I do mask in front of people that I don't know that well, but in front of people that I do know, I feel free to be myself." — Madeline [40:33]
  • "Just noticing my body posture, everything...when I'm masking." — Karla [39:50]

• Rejection Sensitivity: Madeline’s book addresses Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, offering self-forgiveness and reframing intense emotional responses.

  • "Of course you're going to have that reaction. This is... You have big emotions. It makes complete sense." — Katy [34:17]

7. Cultural Perspectives & Universal Design

(Access, accommodations, societies and neurodivergence)

• Madeline and her mother, Angie, share challenges in accessing neurodivergent support and understanding in Thailand, where disability is often stigmatized and resources are limited. (42:42–43:45)

• Karla advocates for "universal design" — accommodations in environments that benefit everyone, not just neurodivergent individuals. (46:03–47:44)

  • "Accommodations that we require as neurodivergent individuals... are great for everybody." — Karla [46:03]

8. Research & Clinical Practice: Bridging the Gap

(Women & ADHD, the need for gender-sensitive support, lived experience)

• Karla, now a PhD candidate, focuses research on women with ADHD, emphasizing the neglect of female presentations and the need for combining academic understanding with lived experience. (51:56–54:11)

  • "As clinicians, we don't focus enough on what is actually going on... It's not about the symptoms as much as the feelings." — Karla [53:10]

• She criticizes mental health care that fails to recognize neurodivergent roots behind anxiety and depression diagnoses in women (54:11).

• Support Groups: Karla leads virtual ADHD women’s groups, highlighting community and peer support's importance. (81:43–82:19)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On hope and healing for teens:
  "I think just that there's hope for them." — Madeline [07:47]

• Reframing journaling for ADHD:
  "The one thing that I've stuck with is journaling... but not so much gratitude journaling, because sometimes I feel like it's okay not to be grateful, it's okay to be angry..." — Karla [13:53]

• On fitting in by finding strengths:
  "If you measure intelligence with a fish climbing a tree, you would be seen as not so smart..." — Karla [29:29]

• On masking:
  "I try just to recognize what I'm doing. And then, like, I do mask in front of people that I don't know that well, but in front of people that I do know, I feel free to be myself." — Madeline [40:33]

• On neurodivergent connection:
  "I like the big talk, not the small talk. And I've often said, like, I know when I'm talking to somebody who's neurodivergent because I feel, like, completely relaxed..." — Katy [39:15]

• Advice for neurodivergent young people wanting to be 'normal':
  "I'd say I'm still trying to figure that out myself. Like, it's still hard for me, too, but I'm learning more and more how to be myself." — Madeline [35:31]

• On self-acceptance:
  "It's actually my intensity that is my gift." — Katy [36:23]

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|---------| | 00:00–04:58 | Introductions, backgrounds, and origins of the book | | 04:58–07:47 | Writing to self as healing; coping with trauma | | 08:55–10:09 | The healing power of animals & axolotls as symbolism | | 13:53–16:08 | Journaling & alternatives for emotional regulation | | 17:03–18:38 | Developing assertiveness, practicing mindfulness | | 18:38–21:34 | Emotional regulation: personalized strategies | | 26:12–27:32 | Redefining smartness & becoming the main character | | 29:29–30:09 | Temple Grandin and “different, not less” | | 34:17–36:47 | Addressing RSD & the process of radical self-acceptance | | 39:15–41:52 | Masking, authenticity, and finding safe relationships | | 42:42–43:45 | Cultural perspectives: neurodivergence in Thailand | | 46:03–47:44 | Universal design & global perspectives on accommodation | | 51:56–54:11 | Karla’s research & lived clinical experience | | 57:05–82:19 | Deep dive with Karla on gender, masking, support needs, and projects |

Final Takeaways

• Writing as Therapy: Reflective practice through writing can be deeply healing for neurodivergent women, helping to reparent the inner child and reframe self-perception.
• Value in Vulnerability: Embracing and accepting big emotions, rather than suppressing them, is critical. Community validation and self-compassion are mutually reinforcing.
• Strength in Difference: Neurodivergence should be viewed as a difference, not a deficit, and celebrated for unique strengths and perspectives.
• Personalized Self-Regulation: There’s no one-size-fits-all approach; finding individually resonant tools is key.
• The Need for Societal Change: Universal design of services and environments, not just targeted accommodations, benefit all.
• Women’s ADHD Needs: Academic and lived experiences must inform each other, especially in gendered presentations.

Resources & Further Engagement

• Madeline's Book: 19 Letters to Myself: Guided Reflections and Prompts for Hope and Healing from a Neurodivergent Perspective — Available on Amazon.
• Karla’s Site: carlapretorius.com
• ADHD Women’s Support Groups: Contact Karla via Instagram @therapyneurodivergent
• Women & ADHD Podcast Community: womenandadhd.com

Memorable moment:
“If you have a book there, you don't look peculiar.” — Karla, on managing social anxiety and enjoying one’s own company [70:23]