The Chateau Gift-Buying Guide.

If she is a mistress:

Something perishable, like a dinner or bouquet of flowers. You don’t want evidence of your infidelity lingering on either you or her.

Upside: Keeps her expectations low. If you give her expensive stuff she’ll assume you’re thinking of leaving your wife to be with her.

Downside: A mistress always has you by the balls, unless you have managed the trick of persuading your wife to the spiritual benefits of polygyny. Go cheap on the gifts and she may show up at your front door at 2 A.M. with a bag of candy.

If she is a Christmas Eve one night stand:

a six-pack of Michelob Light.

If she is three-week-old fresh pussy:

Be careful! Many a man has learnt a painful financial lesson when his loins were in charge of his credit card. Best bet: don’t buy the potential slut anything.

If she is a fling (you’ve been dating for fewer than three months, and plan to keep it that way):

For birthdays, tickets to a show for a band both you and her like. Use her as a pawn to flirt with hipster chicks at the show.

For Christmas, a scarf and a bottle of Chivas. Drink until she’s hot and/or interesting.

If she is in the three to four month limbo between a fling and a girlfriend, and you’re not sure if she’s the one:

For birthdays, tickets to a show for a band she likes.

For Christmas, a stuffed animal with a homemade card.

If she is your girlfriend, #1 crush:

For birthdays or anniversaries, bracelet or necklace if you are a beta. A puppy if you are a greater beta. A hot cocktail dress with accompanying lingerie if you are an alpha. A homemade mix tape if you are a super alpha.

For Christmas, ditch the conventional trinkets of romantic servitude in favor of fun and funny.

Maxim #140: The more expensive or thoughtful the gift you give a girl, the greater the risk that she will subconsciously begin to think she is too good for you.

Corollary: If you are dating out of your league, or you are dating a young hot babe in her prime, you should do the exact opposite of what everyone will tell you to do -- *do not* buy her expensive gifts.

If she’s your aging wife in a country with divorce laws that favor the husband:

Nothing.

If she’s your aging wife in the USA:

Refinance the mortgage to buy her the moon.

If she is girl #3 in your harem:

Nothing.

If you’re trying to dump her:

A toaster oven. Or kitty litter if you’re a cheap bastard.