Adam Rose and Kevin James Thornton

Summary

Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil

Episode: Adam Rose and Kevin James Thornton
Date: December 18, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode of "Wrong Turns," host Jameela Jamil invites comedian and actor Adam Rose and comedian Kevin James Thornton to share their most embarrassing, humiliating, and cringeworthy stories. The trio revel in the hilarity and awkwardness of their personal disasters, emphasizing that not every mistake needs to be redeemed with a positive spin. Listeners are encouraged to celebrate their own wrong turns, with no morals attached—just pure, uncensored schadenfreude.

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Key Discussion Points and Notable Stories

1. Introduction & Theme: Disaster as Comedy

• Jameela sets the tone: sharing mistakes for the joy of it, not for the lessons.
  • "Sometimes life gives you lemons. You don't make lemonade. Sometimes it's just piss.” (01:01, Jameela)

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2. Childhood Humiliations & Micro-Disasters

Adam Rose: The Off-Broadway Incident

• Adam shares his early acting nightmare: on stage in “The Gathering” at age 11, desperate to pee during a one-hour scene, leading to an accident in front of the audience.
  • "That small bladder just had to let go on stage… and I leaned over to the woman playing my mom and I just said, ‘I just peed.’” (06:00, Adam)
• Jameela relates with her own recent “public accident” story post-Glastonbury involving COVID, dehydration, and a desperate sprint (and ultimate loss) in Hyde Park.
  • "In the middle of Piccadilly Circus... I fully empty my bladder in front of absolutely everyone.” (11:01, Jameela)

Kevin James Thornton: Maxi-Pad Mishap

• As a kid, Kevin, confused by his mother’s pads, sticks one (adhesive side up) into his underwear—resulting in an excruciating struggle to remove it at school.
  • "I was a hairy nine year old… I couldn’t get it off. And then the teacher came in to check on me…” (13:29, Kevin)
• Another early humiliation: a college voicemail outs his attempt to “come out of homosexuality” via a Christian book, played loudly on the house answering machine.
  • "The last one is for me... 'Kevin, the book you ordered, Coming out of Homosexuality, is here.' ...Everyone in the kitchen was just like staring at the floor." (15:22, Kevin)

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3. Wrong Turns: Their Defining Stories

Adam Rose: Rollerblades, Marijuana, and Unexpected Jail (19:59–31:28)

• At 16, Adam is caught smoking a blunt with friends in Central Park on the day of an undercover cop convention.
• He’s arrested, his Rollerblades confiscated, and is placed in a holding cell with hardened criminals.
• When inmates learn he’s a dance teacher, they demand he perform or face being squirted with a mayonnaise packet.
  • "If you don’t dance, man, I’m gonna squirt this mayonnaise at you.” (26:23, Random cellmate)
  • Adam does the robot, the entire cell applauds.
  • Ultimately spends a night in jail; the judge dismisses the case.
  • Humiliation, brief fame at school, but no real trauma.
  • Memorable moment: “No mayonnaise was thrown at me.” (32:35, Adam)

Kevin James Thornton: The Cosmetology School Lie (33:15–45:15)

• Working at Olive Garden, Kevin enrolls in “New Directions” cosmetology school to change careers.
• Hates it immediately, tries to get a refund, but only extreme circumstances qualify.
• On a whim, claims he’s gotten a record deal; director Miss Nancy erupts in excitement, tells everyone.
  • "The moment it came out of my mouth, Miss Nancy lets out a scream of excitement… and announces to the whole fantastic lot of New Directions that Kevin got a record deal." (38:12, Kevin)
• Two days later, Miss Nancy spots him working at Olive Garden; Kevin nervously asks her to keep it secret (“I haven’t told anyone yet.”).
• A year later, she celebrates her birthday at Olive Garden, realizes the truth, and calls out Kevin during the staff’s birthday song:
  • "This server is a liar and not a man of God.” (44:28, Miss Nancy)

Jameela Jamil: The Bully and the Applause (45:47–52:44)

• Tells her own “round of applause” story: at UTA, arguing with agents about quitting TV, sees her childhood bully walk in.
• Panics, confides in her team, who—bonded by shared trauma of being bullied—ask what she needs.
• She requests "a round of applause" for herself, which they deliver, helping her regain composure and resulting in her eventually auditioning for, and landing, her role in “The Good Place.”
  • "They gave me a standing ovation. And I felt so humiliated. And I started doing what Kevin did, which was being like, 'Oh, no, stop it. Ah, shucks.'" (50:32, Jameela)

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4. Listener Wrong Turn: Pet Squirrel Edition (53:07–54:48)

• Listener Lizbeth shares a story: during a one-night stand, bitten on the ankle by a man’s pet squirrel, Chester, who apparently “bites but does not draw blood.”
• • "No one sells pet squirrels. This means that this man stole a squirrel, domesticated a fucking squirrel from the street." (54:02, Jameela)

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5. Final Reflections & Plugs (54:48–55:44)

• The guests share where to find them:
  • Kevin: kevinjamesthornton.com, Podcast: “Call Kevin”
  • Adam: @ealdamrose on all platforms, teasing upcoming podcast “Small Stupid Stuff” with Ryan Eggold

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Notable Quotes by Timestamp

• "Sometimes life gives you lemons. You don't make lemonade. Sometimes it's just piss." — Jameela (01:01)
• "That small bladder just had to let go on stage… and I leaned over to the woman playing my mom and I just said, ‘I just peed.’” — Adam (06:00)
• "If you don’t dance, man, I’m gonna squirt this mayonnaise at you.” — Random Cellmate (26:23)
• "This server is a liar and not a man of God.” — Miss Nancy (44:28)
• "They gave me a standing ovation…I started doing what Kevin did, which was being like, 'Oh, no, stop it. Ah, shucks.'" — Jameela (50:32)
• "No one sells pet squirrels. This means that this man stole a squirrel, domesticated a fucking squirrel from the street." — Jameela (54:02)
• "You could save someone's wrong turn, give people their props. They saved me with that moment." — Jameela (51:57)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:01]–[03:42]: Introductory remarks, episode theme, and guest introductions.
• [04:40]–[07:04]: Adam Rose’s “peed on stage at 11” story.
• [08:15]–[11:41]: Jameela’s “post-Glastonbury COVID pee disaster.”
• [12:15]–[14:21]: Kevin’s "maxi-pad mishap."
• [15:22]–[16:33]: Kevin’s “voicemail outing.”
• [19:59]–[31:28]: Adam Rose’s “Central Park rollerblade arrest” and jail dance story.
• [33:15]–[45:15]: Kevin’s “New Directions record deal lie.”
• [45:47]–[52:44]: Jameela’s “standing ovation to defeat a bully.”
• [53:07]–[54:48]: Listener submission: pet squirrel one-night stand.
• [54:48]–[55:44]: Guest plugs, episode wrap-up.

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Tone & Atmosphere

• Irreverent, candid, and confessional.
• No self-improvement necessary: “There are no morals and no silver linings…”
• Guests and host cheerfully roast themselves and each other, with a focus on camaraderie through embarrassment.
• Groove of mutual support—laughter is the best response to disaster.

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Summary Statement

A wildly entertaining episode where embarrassing mistakes, public disasters, and childhood humiliations are not just shared—they're celebrated. Adam, Kevin, and Jameela turn personal cringes into communal comedy, reminding us that sometimes all you need after a wrong turn is a laugh, a round of applause, or at least the comforting knowledge that you’re not alone with your misfortune.

Transcript

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[C]

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[B]

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[C]

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Of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes if network's busy, taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com. Hello, and welcome to Wrong turns. This is a podcast where dignity goes to die. It's where we celebrate the mistakes that we've made without needing to dress them up as something inspiring or wisdom bearing. You know, sometimes life gives you lemons. You don't make lemonade. Sometimes it's just piss, I was gonna say. And I was like, that doesn't make any sense at all. So I've started with a wrong turn. Looks so unsure of me now. Yeah, I think I'm nervous because I like you both so much. I invite my favorite funny people off of the Internet, off of podcasts, off of comedy stages, off of TV and film, to join me to tell me their most miserable tales. Joining me today is a writer and actor with a huge following across YouTube and social media for his comedy videos. You will definitely recognize him everywhere you go. He's also appeared in shows like Merry, Happy Whatever, la's Finest, and the Santa Clarita Diet. It's Adam Rose.

[C]

Hello, hello, hello.

[A]

And we also have a comedian who I have been falling in love with for many years now who's nearing a billion views for his funny, heartfelt and cringy videos of self reflection. It's perfect. That you're here and I really miss your auto tune in this moment. His comedy special is called Be Yourself and he is currently on tour around the country. It's Kevin James Thornton. How are you both?

[C]

I'm a little flustered cause I was late and I rushed here, but is my face red?

[A]

No, your face isn't red.

[B]

You look fantastic.

[A]

You look really gorgeous.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

That's what I was fishing for.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. Like tidy off the Internet, you know, sometimes you never know how people are gonna show up.

[C]

Yeah, Everyone look great. Knows my early videos from pandemic era. So I was like overgrown and huge beard.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

And I got a hair.

[A]

But we all were. We were all overgrown, huge beard.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was a really wonderful time for women where we were like, ah. We all realize. I don't put on makeup for myself. Yeah. It was a huge awakening. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[B]

No, people are always surprised to find out I'm not cardigan shaped when they meet me in person. So I get it. I get it.

[A]

And so when it comes to disaster, is disaster something that finds you often or rarely and impactfully?

[C]

Most of my life, I feel like, has been full of tiny little disasters.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Micro disasters. And how do you handle that disaster? Is it always with humor in the moment or humor later?

[C]

No, much later.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Decades later.

[C]

Yeah. Humiliation in the moment, crying awfulness five years later. I think it's funny.

[A]

And is life generally, you know, sort of humiliation treadmill for you, or is it.

[B]

I feel like my anxiety does a pretty good job steering me clear of any potential hazardous situations. So, like, not too often, but, you know, sometimes it's inevitable.

[A]

That pisses me off because I'm anxious as well. And none of my anxiety has. If anything, my anxiety has led me like, further into the fire. Are you anxious?

[C]

Oh, I used to be. I'm in my 50s now. I care less.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm almost in my 40s. I also care less. But I'm just saying that I've always been anxious and. And it's never once guided me away from danger.

[C]

Just further into it.

[A]

Yeah. Deeper in danger. Yeah.

[B]

You just gotta stay home all the time. Yeah, that's what I do now, actually.

[A]

Yeah. Before we get into the entirety of your wrong turns, I would love to know some little kind of examples of micro humiliation, because this is how I start to kind of get a sense for who you are and what your outlook is on the world. Adam, can I start with you?

[B]

Sure, yeah. What's the question?

[A]

Any examples of micro humiliations?

[B]

Well, quick one. When I was 11, I've been acting for a long time. So when I was 11, I was doing this Off Broadway show called the Gathering in New York City. And I was on stage. There was only three scenes in the whole play. First act had two scenes. Second act was just one long scene. And in between acts, during intermission, I only had enough time to like, change my suit that I was in. Cause I played like a bar mitzvah boy. And so I change my suit and then I go back out on stage for the second act. They're doing this long scene. It's like a scene between my grandfather and a soldier. And I'm like, basically on stage just like watching them the whole time. And I realize, like, I didn't pee before this show and I have to pee. And so I'm waiting. I'm waiting. We're like, getting closer to the end.

[A]

Oh, no. And how long is this scene?

[B]

This scene is an hour long.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, this is the entire second act of the play. And I'm like, basically, like, squirming on stage at this point in front of hundreds of people.

[A]

How old are you again?

[B]

I'm 11.

[A]

11. Oh, it's such a small bladder.

[B]

Yeah. And then that small bladder just had to let go on stage. On stage. Let go. And I leaned over to the woman playing my mom and I just said, I just peed. And she, like, was so great. She, like, calmly got up and, like, walked me off stage. I changed into my first act pants. I walked back on stage and it was just mortifying.

[C]

Like you said at the top of this show, when life gives you piss.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[C]

Change into your act one.

[B]

There we go. There we go.

[A]

Yeah, that is a. That's a strong mic. And did that, like. Did people notice?

[B]

I didn't ask.

[A]

Well, I think you'd notice getting bullied afterwards. So it seems like you got away with it.

[B]

Well, it wasn't like in school or anything. It was like, you know, like, I didn't.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I didn't interact with the audience afterwards, so they could have seen it. It must have been a little odd that I walked on stage and then walked back on. When did you. Different color pants. That was probably a dead giveaway. But I didn't have to face any of them afterwards.

[C]

That almost happened to me in my Uber on my way out to LA yesterday. But not. Not pee the other side.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

It's never happened to me before.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I was standing on the curb waiting, and I was like, oh, oh. And I was outside my house and I was like, I can wait till the airport. And I was like, no, I cannot. And I almost didn't make it back inside. I would've done it in the Uber.

[A]

Oh, my God. Your rating is never surviving that. Yeah, no, all I think about is my Uber rating. Oh, my God.

[C]

It's changed my whole life. Because I didn't know that was a possibility. And now I do know it's a possibility.

[A]

Yeah, well, now, I mean, the last 24 hours has just felt like final destination for you, I imagine, right?

[C]

Like it could happen right now.

[A]

Were you sick? Are you okay?

[C]

No, I feel fine. It was just like a blast of.

[B]

What did you eat?

[A]

Of hell?

[C]

Sushi.

[A]

Oh, there it is.

[B]

It could have been that.

[A]

No, there it is.

[B]

Could have been the culprit.

[A]

You put it on yourself. I don't feel sorry for you anymore. That's raw fish. That's crazy. That's bum hole roulette. That's really, really mad.

[C]

There was so much of it and it came on with such force.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I almost didn't make it back into my house. And I was like, two. You know, life can change in an instant.

[A]

Yeah, life comes at you fast. I did not have an 11 year old's bladder two years ago. I'd just gone to Glastonbury Festival and I woke up feeling horrific. Which is normal for after Glastonbury Festival. You're supposed to. If you had a good Glastonbury, you feel like you're gonna die straight afterwards. So I was like, oh my God, I feel wrecked. I need to go outside and go for a walk. And it was the hottest day in, like, I think of the year in London. And I was like, great, I'm just gonna sweat whatever this is out of me. I said, start walking. I go walking through the park. I'm in like a place called Hyde park. And I'm walking and I'm walking and I'm starting to get like, more and more tired. I'm feeling worse and worse. And now the heat is bearing down on me and I'm starting to get a little bit delirious and I get lost in this ginormous park. It's much bigger than like Central Park. So by the time I get out of this park that I normally know, like the back of my hand, I've walked five miles feeling like this. And now I'm sweating. I'm. I'm like, I. I can't barely keep my head up. I can barely open my eyes. My vision's going blurry. It's like, shit, I think I need to go and do a COVID test. So I go into a pharmacy, I buy two Covid tests. I buy the COVID tests, I take them immediately outside. Instant positives, you know, where it doesn't even like, wait to register all of your phlegm. It's like instant positive. Like I have the, like I have the most Covid anyone's ever had, ever. And so I realize, shit, I can't get in a cab because I can't just go and like, what if someone's got a vulnerable grandmother, you know, and.

[B]

Like a 90 year old child.

[A]

Yeah, exactly, exactly. So I was like, I know, I know. But I am just like trying to make sure everyone knows I would consider an amazing person. I am. As long as that's clear. That's why I brought you here today to announce that. Thank you. And so, yeah, yeah, I'm an activist. So I realized I was like, fuck, I have to walk five miles back. So now the sun is way, way higher in the sky and I am having to walk five miles back. I get lost in the park. I'm starting to really need to pee. I don't want to use a public bathroom because again, I could touch something, contaminate something, kill someone's grandma. I have like a big fear of killing people's grandmothers, specifically. Exactly.

[C]

Happens.

[A]

So I have to walk five miles back. And this is a. This takes me a long time, especially how I'm feeling. So I'm desperate to pee and I finally make it two minutes from my hotel. And you know your fucking brain, once it knows you're near the toilet, goes, oh, I'm on the toilet. I'm on the toilet. Like all the ways that it's advanced and it has no idea the difference between being several minutes from the toilet and actually in the bog and in the middle of Piccadilly Circus, which is essentially our Times Square in broad daylight. I fully empty my bladder in front of absolutely everyone.

[C]

What?

[A]

Yeah, I fully pissed myself. I was, thank God, wearing a flowy dress. So I just kept on then walking and rubbing it against my legs, rubbing my legs against each other, being like, it's sweat, it's sweat.

[B]

Look at that. You just kind of make a puddle, right?

[A]

It was peeing and walking and peeing and walking. This was two years ago. Do you know how lucky I was that it was so packed that day that no one was looking at my legs. We were all shoulder to shoulder. It's like just. Yes. This woman is just like flooding. It looked like my water broke. Like it was the most urine. I would have said that anyone? That's what I would have said. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had no idea I was pregnant. Yeah. What a fucking thing.

[B]

I love the way to find out.

[A]

So, yeah. So at least you and you had the excuse of an 11 year old's bladder. But I was.

[B]

Guess so.

[A]

Yeah. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You know, I. Virtue signaled my way to humiliation in public.

[B]

No, my intention was not to pee on stage. And it happened anyway.

[A]

I'm sorry to hear that. And well done for making it through like a trooper and actually going back on stage, which is very hard to do at that age because it feels like the end of the world.

[B]

Oh no. The show must go on.

[A]

100%.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

What about you, Kevin? Any micro humiliations to warm us up?

[C]

Mine also takes place in childhood, just like yours.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I was getting ready for school and my mom had a box of maxi pads under the sink. And I was like, mom, what are these? I was maybe nine.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

This was a couple years ago. I was like, mom, what are these? And she was like, she just said, you put them in your underwear. That's all she said. So before school I put one in my underwear, adhesive side up.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

Pulled up my pants.

[A]

On your, like bare balls.

[C]

Yes. And went to school. Now many people have told me they're like, what kind of adhesive are you talking about here? It must have been a more industrial adhesive in the 80s than it is today. Maybe there was a lawsuit where they're like, make those less. Less strength on the maxi pads. We're getting sued like crazy. But yeah, it was like stuck on in my child memory. So I get to class and I'm like, this is really uncomfortable.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So I asked to go to the bathroom and I'm like in the stall trying to peel it off my body. Oh, no. And I couldn't get it.

[B]

At least you were prepubescent. Right, Right.

[C]

But I was a hairy 9 year old.

[B]

Oh, you were?

[A]

No, he's also from Pakistan.

[B]

Gotcha.

[C]

Gotcha. No, I couldn't get it off. And then the teacher came in to check on me. And so eventually I'm like, maybe if I go to the sink and get it wet, it'll come off of me. I couldn't get it off. And as I'm like, Straddling the sink with water. The teacher comes back in, like fully sees. Of course, she couldn't even comprehend what she was looking at. She just sort of stopped and then turned around and went back.

[A]

It's like, well, he's on his period. Right.

[B]

She quit that day.

[C]

That was the end of her career.

[B]

This was it.

[A]

But she didn't help you.

[C]

She didn't help me.

[A]

What a cunt.

[C]

Right? That's what I said.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It was the 80s. It was a different time.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. The maxi pads had an industrious. Had a stronger grit adhesive.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, man, it was a fucking nightmare. You also have a humiliation story about a voicemail.

[C]

Yeah. Many years later, I was in college and I was an emerging homosexual.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But I was confused about it. I come from a very religious upbringing. And so even my first year in.

[A]

College, I still saw is an evangelical Christian, I guess.

[C]

So it was like a big non denominational, middle America, megachurch kind of scenario.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But when I got to college, I sought out the fundamentalist Christian campus church. And I moved into a house with like five other guys from that church. So I went to the Christian bookstore. Cause I'd heard about a book called Coming out of Homosexuality.

[A]

Right, right, right. It had like a conversion book.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Holy shit.

[C]

Yeah, it was like. It was, yeah, it was like a how not to be gay book. And they didn't have it in stock, so I had to order it.

[A]

Isn't that like Andrew Tate's book now? Basically. Oh, probably. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

And I ordered it. And then like a few days later, we're all in the kitchen, me and like four other guys from the church. And we had an answering machine. There were no cell phones yet, of course. So a guy hits the answering machine, there's like three or four messages. The last one is for me. And it's the Christian bookstore. And they're like, hi, Kevin, the book that you ordered, Coming out of Homosexuality, is here and you can pick it up. And like everyone in the kitchen was just like staring at the floor. Like no one would look at me. I was staring at the floor. Yeah. And then someone was just like, well, I have to go to class. I'm like, yeah, me too.

[A]

No, no, no, no. No one acknowledges it.

[C]

No one acknowledged was ever, ever again. Oh, wow. No one said a word.

[A]

And how was the book? Did it work?

[C]

I am straight.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Because of that.

[A]

And we're dating. We wanted to come out today.

[C]

Everyone. Yeah. We're getting married.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, my God, what a fucking nightmare. How long after that, did you actually come out?

[C]

It was. I crawled out of the closet.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I took just one toe at a time.

[C]

Yeah. I took my time.

[A]

Fair enough. I think that's. I think that's.

[C]

I slithered out of the closet.

[A]

Yeah, but fuck voicemails, man.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Fuck a home phone with a voicemail where all of your laundry is just aired out. Different times, different times. Humbling times for sure. Did you ever get any humiliating voicemails?

[B]

I'm just not a message lever at all. Like, I don't leave. I can't do it. I just get way. I start talking differently. I don't know what I'm saying. I haven't gotten any weird. I just get spam voicemails. That's all I get.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know how to say goodbye on a voicemail. I suddenly, like a new sort of demon jumps out of me and does the sort of word. So I'll be like, okay, then, bye, bye. It can never be bye bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye bye. It can never just be a regular. Okay, then, I'll see you soon. Like, in my head I'm like, I'm going to do it. It's going to be cool. So I've just stopped now because I can't be. These videos, these recordings will last forever and they can and will be used against me.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But it's just. It's horrific to say goodbye.

[B]

I have no voicemail game whatsoever.

[A]

No whatsoever.

[B]

Yeah, I'm good on the phone, but not on a voice. If I'm talking to nothing, I can't do it.

[A]

Yeah. 100%.

[C]

I think I'm quite good at voicemails. Yeah, of course you are.

[A]

This is a. Are you just cool, calm and collected?

[C]

I'll leave one for both of you sometime.

[B]

Please do, please do. But you have to use the voice changer.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I need the voice changer.

[A]

You put on a different voice for your. When you leave a voicemail, are you a sexier and more composed?

[C]

I do. Try version of your voicemail to be alluring.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Seductive.

[B]

Get a little breathy.

[C]

Yes. I'm like, hello. Call me back at your earliest convenience.

[A]

Wow, great.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

Can you say, now we're going to.

[C]

The break and now we're going to the break.

[A]

We'll see you in a second.

[C]

This holiday, Verizon is giving you incredible gifts and savings you'll enjoy all year. When you Switch, you'll get four new iPhone 17 Pros. No trade in needed. That's right. Get four lines for just $25 a line. And the amazing iPhone 17 Pro for everyone. Save big this holiday. Visit Verizon today. $20 monthly promo credits applied to account over 35 months with a new line on unlimited. Welcome. In times of congestion, unlimited 5G and 4G. LTE may be temporarily slower than other traffic. Domestic data roaming at 2G speeds. Additional terms apply for phone offer. See verizon.com for details. Hey, guys, it's Kumail Nanjiani. My new stand up special, night thoughts, premieres December 19th on Hulu. I promise you're gonna laugh. I am an immigrant. I am. Are there any other immigrants here? Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else. Don't miss nightbots on December 19th. Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply. But it's not my call. Terms apply.

[A]

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I'm giving all the gifts this year with that extra 5% off when I use my Nordstrom credit card. Santa who join the Nordy Club at Nordstrom Rack to unlock our best deals. It's easy. Big gifts, big perks. That's why you rack. And we are back. Okay, so, Adam, tell me, what is your wrong turn?

[B]

Oh, man. So I learned a lesson when I was 16 years old that you should not partake in herbal activities on your rollerblades in Central Park. Me and my friends met up at this place that we always met up and had a puff.

[A]

How old?

[B]

I was 16.

[A]

16.

[B]

16 years old. I was in high school. And this day in Central park happened to be a day when they were having a convention for undercover cops in New York City. Yes, in Central park. Right.

[A]

Is that a thing?

[B]

Apparently. Because they were all there and two of them come walking up to us, like, just as we finished our little blunt. And he picks it up and he goes, what's this? And he's like, look, just come down to the van with me. We'll check if you have any priors, and if you don't, we'll let you go. And I'm like, well, I'm 16. I don't have any priors, so. Yeah, okay. So they like.

[A]

By the way, you sound like the coolest fucking 16 year old.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What the fuck?

[B]

On My rollerblades?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Was it the roller coaster?

[A]

The rollerblades are a little bit of a stretch. Yeah, I.

[B]

You know, that's so cool. I was the coolest.

[A]

Like the Smoking weed in the park, having friends. Like, who are you?

[B]

No.

[A]

Have any of this.

[B]

Listen, despite.

[A]

No. But then also, like, being calm. Cool and collected. Going.

[B]

There was nothing calm about it. Being like, I have no prize if I'm expressing that. I was calm. I was not calm. I was like, okay, you had glow.

[C]

Sticks with the rollerblades.

[A]

That makes it homosexual.

[C]

So if you had Daisy Dukes and glow sticks, Rollerblades are a totally different thing.

[A]

We were doing a six.

[B]

Thank God I didn't Knowing where this story's going. So they roll me down to the van and they start emptying my pockets. And they take out my phone and they're like, call your mom. And I'm like, fellas, there is no need to phone my mother, fellas. Such. I'll let her know.

[A]

Why did you not want to phone your mom? Like, what would her. Would she have lost her fucking shit?

[B]

I have, like, an immigrant Jewish mother who, you know, like, she would die.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. She's having. Okay, so she worry rather than kill.

[B]

You worry? Yes.

[A]

You're worried she's gonna die.

[B]

So they're like, call your mom. He takes the phone from me and he goes, hey, yeah, we just found your son here smoking pot in Central Park. You're gonna need to pick him up downtown. Hangs up on my mom.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

So now she's dead, right?

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

And it's your fault.

[B]

No, she's not. She's alive and well. So they put handcuffs on me, and they put me in the back of their van, and they take me downtown and they search me and they put me in this holding cell with, like, 30 other crackheads and heroin addicts and homeless people. And they want you to fill out this form, but they won't give you a pen.

[A]

Wait, wait. Sorry.

[B]

Quickly.

[A]

Why just you and not your friends as well?

[B]

So my friend, one of my other also got arrested. The third one, they took off my Rollerblades and they gave it to him. And they said, just get out of here. Cause they didn't want to deal with my Rollerblades. Cause they would have had to, like, write some paperwork or something. And so they were like, just, here, take it and leave. So he ends up leaving with my phone, my Rollerblades. He starts calling my friends, saying, this is my phone Now. I'm still to this day, and my other friend's phone is Greg Sell because of that day. So we're in this holding cell. They're asking me to fill out this form. But they don't want to give you a pen. Cause they think you're going to shank somebody. So they're asking questions.

[A]

I can imagine how scary and dangerous you looked at this day.

[B]

Yes, I'm very intimidated.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Very intimidated.

[A]

Yeah. A rollerblader nonetheless. I know.

[B]

Well, I was in socks at this point, so they asked me if I work. And at the time I should have just said I'm a student. But at the time I taught dance. Like I was a dance teacher. So I said, I teach dance.

[A]

Wait, who were you at 16 teaching dance to?

[B]

I was one of the youngest teachers ever to teach at Broadway Dance center in New York City. I taught hip hop dance there.

[A]

No way.

[C]

Yes. Wait, oddly enough, you should have started with that. That's part of the story.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, that's part of the story.

[A]

That was your first wrong turn.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait. Okay. Sorry.

[B]

Yeah, no, it's okay.

[A]

Who are you? Like, what age are you teaching?

[B]

All ages, all adults, kids, everything.

[A]

You're some sort of like hip hop prodigy.

[B]

I was, yeah. Yeah. I really wanted to be in a boy band.

[A]

Were you like an adult looking 16 year old? Because I imagine you would really look like a kid.

[B]

No, I was like. I had quite the style in high school. I was like wearing platinum fubu, baby blue velour jumpsuits and like bandanas and hats. And I thought, you know, I thought I was Justin Timberlake.

[A]

I know it sounds. That's exactly what came to mind as you said it.

[B]

Yeah. I wanted to be Justin Timberlake. I was like, oh. Like I saw NSYNC perform on HBO one time and I was like, I can do that. I'm gonna do that.

[A]

Yeah. I super regret saying I thought you were quite cool. Yeah, I'm sorry, I want to take that back really fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

The whole thing. So they asked me, well, what kind of dance? And I said, hip hop, what does that have? Anything? And then, you know, they write it down and they go. And I sit down. There's these two guys sitting across from me, bigger guy and a smaller guy. And the big guy's looking at me and he goes, you dance, man. And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, let me see you dance, man. And I'm like, I've seen this porno. Yeah.

[C]

Jesus, this is so hot.

[A]

Yeah, I know. Put your erection away, Kevin.

[B]

Don't touch. Jesus. Okay. And I'm like, you know, I don't have any shoes on. I'm not having the best day. And I don't really feel like dancing.

[A]

You're fucking terrifying. You're with 30 criminals.

[B]

Yeah. And I'm 16.

[A]

Yeah. And you're a Broadway dancer.

[C]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

And he goes, if you don't dance, man, I'm gonna squirt this mayonnaise at you. And he had a little packet of mayonnaise.

[A]

Okay, so not jizz.

[B]

No, Like a literal packet of mayonnaise.

[A]

And the guy in prison, like, that's got a whole other meaning.

[B]

No, I know.

[A]

Thank God you were just in jail.

[B]

It had that meaning.

[A]

Mayonnaise.

[B]

No. They give you these, like, terrible sandwiches in a little plastic bag. And they have, like, a little packet of mayonnaise and a little packet of mustard in there.

[A]

Condiment.

[B]

Yeah, a little condiment for those terrible sandwiches. And the guy.

[A]

That's our fucking tax dollars. All right.

[C]

At work, right? You could do without the mayonnaise.

[B]

So the guy next to him is like, I seen him do it. I seen him do it. And I'm like, okay.

[A]

And do you feel afraid of the incoming mayonnaise?

[B]

So I'm like. I either, like, dance or become, like, the wet towel that everybody can squirt their mayonnaise at. And so I.

[C]

This is not where I thought the story was going.

[B]

I get up and I do, like, a little robot kind of spin around, and I sit back down, and I swear to God, the whole cell started clapping. They all start clapping.

[A]

This is such a great film.

[C]

It's uplifting.

[B]

And after that, it just gets way sadder. Cause then I'm just like. People start coming in. They're, like, lying all over the benches and the floors and everything. They know they're gonna be there for a while. I'm, like, crying, collect, calling my mom. Eventually, they come in. They're like, all right, court's done for the night. Lights out. And they turn off the lights.

[A]

You have to spend the night with these people.

[B]

I'm in there for the entire night. Everybody's spread out everywhere, so there's nowhere to even sit. I like, kind of crawl up next to the toilet for a little bit. Eventually, the next day, they start court again. They bring me into another holding cell. Then they bring me into court. Finally, my dad's there. You know, I'm, like, waiting to hear what my dad has to say about all this. They finally call my case number up. I go up there. The judge is like, all right, Case number one, criminal possession of marijuana dismissed.

[A]

Yeah. As soon as he saw the word rollerblades, he knows you're not a threat to society. You know what I mean?

[B]

And that was it. And so, like, there was no anything. They expunged it from my record. I was a minor, so it was like, obviously.

[A]

And now it's, like, super grounded.

[B]

No. So because it was such a terrible situation, my parents were like, okay, I feel like you've been punished.

[C]

You spent a night in jail.

[B]

I spent a night in jail at 16? Yeah.

[A]

That's fucking nuts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But also, it sounds like an 80s movie. The fact that they're like, go at him, go at him. Go, go, go at him.

[B]

That kind of, like.

[A]

And I'm imagining these, like, big, burly, like, tattoos. Yeah.

[B]

They didn't mess with me.

[A]

Criminals.

[B]

Honestly, nobody, like, really messed with me.

[C]

Who would. And to this day, he carries a packet of mayonnaise in his.

[B]

Everywhere I go. Everywhere I go. I don't leave home without it.

[A]

That's the stupidest thing I've heard on this podcast so far. Like, honestly, like, all of the episodes we've done, the fact that the threat from a massive, burly man in jail is. I'll squirt a mayonnaise sachet on your face.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It felt like a euphemism. I'm sorry. It felt like there has to have.

[B]

Been more of a euphemism in the moment until I saw the packet of mayonnaise in his hand.

[A]

I think it's very sweet that there's condiments handed out. I think that's nice. It's restorative justice. That is restorative justice. True restorative justice. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

The packets.

[A]

Yeah. God knows what they're covering.

[B]

They don't do anything.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

They're not doing anything for that.

[A]

I'm thrilled for you that you had such a. Not pleasant, but, like, could have been worse. Could have been worse, yeah. You had a survivable night in jail.

[B]

No mayonnaise was thrown at me.

[C]

You could have gotten blasted in the face.

[B]

I could have Mayonnaise.

[A]

Can I ask, did it. Did that experience because you kind of got away with it make you better or worse? Were you just like this? I run the world and I. And I. Right.

[B]

Yeah. When I went back to my parents, I was like, this is because you don't let me do this here. You know, why do you think I'm outside doing it?

[A]

But also, like, being a child, like a small child. Who's able to win over massive criminals like that would. I would turn into the skill Donald Trump after that. Like. Yeah, just be like, I'm. I'd hear this sound in my head the whole time I'm walking. Like, you know, I would think I'm so cool.

[B]

No, I definitely. I only walked through the hallways of my school in slow motion after that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Back to the little.

[A]

A little like hip hop limp. Little hip hop limp. Like using your thumb to clear your nose.

[B]

I had like the Backstreet Boys Bluetooth thing.

[A]

Oh, so cool. So cool.

[B]

Just. That was awesome. It's. It's true. So.

[A]

So no trauma gained from it?

[B]

Yeah, no. I probably contributed to my anxiety in some way, but no, I feel like I turned out okay.

[A]

No, not. Not bad. Not bad for a wrong turn.

[B]

Yeah. All right.

[A]

Thank you so much. We'll be right back after the break. Hey, you want to pay just 10.

[C]

Bucks for your phone service at Boost?

[A]

Boba.

[C]

Just 10 bucks for your phone service at Boost Mobile.

[B]

Yeah, I totally do.

[C]

This holiday, the best gift is for you. Pay just $10 a month for the first two months and $25 a month forever with unlimited data, talk and text offer. [e-mail] after your first two months, you'll pay $25 a month unless you go online or call to cancel. Requires autopay. Hey, guys, it's Kumail Nanjiani. My new stand up special, Night Thoughts premieres December 19th on Hulu. I promise you're gonna laugh. I am an immigrant. I am. Are there any other immigrants here? Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else. Don't miss NightBots on December 19th. Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundled subscribers. Terms apply. That wasn't my call. If it was my call, terms would not apply. But it's not my call. Terms apply.

[B]

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here, wishing you a.

[C]

Very happy half off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50 off unlimited.

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Of $45 for three month plan equivalent.

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To $15 per month. Required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of networks busy. Taxes and fees extra. See mint mobile.com. And we are back. Okay, Kevin, you're up. I want to know your wrong turn.

[C]

Well, I. Many years ago I worked in fine dining at a restaurant called Olive Garden.

[A]

Ooh, yes.

[C]

I was a server at the Olive Garden for many years.

[A]

At your Soho House.

[C]

Yes. You probably can't get in. And I was struggling, and just barely, you know, I was a struggling artist, and I was constantly thinking of, like, how can I make money that's not waiting tables anymore? So I had friends that were like, you know, you should become a hairstylist. You would be a super good. I guess I have some kind of vibe.

[A]

Are you out at this point? You're being profiled really? 100%.

[C]

It's a stereotype.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Right.

[A]

It's offensive.

[C]

It is offensive. And that's the end of the story.

[A]

Right, Right. Bye.

[C]

And so I was like, you know what? Actually, yeah, it's kind of creative. I think I would enjoy it. So I had, like, a little bit of money saved up, and I went to the nearest cosmetology school, and I enrolled. And the school was called New Directions. If you say New Directions a couple times.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, wonderful.

[B]

I give it a whirl.

[A]

Wonderful, wonderful.

[B]

Nude directions.

[A]

Yeah. Back to jail.

[B]

Oh, man. Oh, is that not allowed?

[C]

Back to the mayonnaise packets. I went to New Directions to learn how to become a hairstylist. And honestly, like, a few days in, I knew it was not for me. Like, we were just looking at pictures of, like, nail fungus and lice. You start with, like, all the awful things that happen to humans in our hair and nails.

[B]

And they're trying to scare you away from me.

[C]

I don't know. But, I mean, like, two.

[A]

I think it's quite clever. Cause it's like, this is something that you might, at some point, have to deal with.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you're not cool with this, can you cut it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

And I couldn't. Like, two weeks in, I was like, I don't want to do this.

[A]

No.

[C]

And they had a strict no refund policy. Like, I'd given them. I mean, it was probably, like, $500 or something.

[A]

But at the time, that's so much.

[C]

It was a lot of money. It was, like, all I had saved. But I was like. And the program was, like, a year and a half long. Like, I barely had started. I'm like, I don't want to do this. And so I went to the main office where Miss Nancy was. Miss Nancy was, like, the director of the school. And I sat down in Ms. Nancy's office, and I asked if I could be set free from New Directions. And she and Ms. Nancy was, like, this tiny, like, Southern. This was in Nashville. I was in Nashville, Tennessee. Miss Nancy was, like, this tiny, little super Southern hairdresser.

[A]

Crispy.

[C]

Totally.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Her hair was, like, from another era.

[A]

It was, like, thick with hairspray.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Super flammable.

[C]

A helmet of, like, of hair. And I asked if I could be.

[A]

Is it like that Steel Magnolia's hair?

[C]

That and then some. Yes. Yeah. Like, big, like mascara. Like, made up every single day.

[A]

Yeah. Icon.

[C]

Total icon. I want to be Miss Nancy to this day. But I was like, can I be set free from the program? And she was like, well, that's against policy unless you have an extreme circumstance. And in that moment, I was like, I have to go big or I'm not getting out of New Directions. I want out.

[B]

I want out.

[A]

That's what Adam thought in jail. Yeah.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So I had no time to think about it. I was like, I have to go big or I want my money back. That's all it was. I wanted my 500 bucks back.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

And so I'm like, I got a record deal. That's what I said.

[A]

Did you even sing?

[C]

Ish. But, yeah. I mean, it was just. We were.

[B]

I love that. I got a job that's gonna pay me lots of money, and that's why I need this money back.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Right. It's just the first thing that popped into my head. I was like, we're in Nashville. That's a possibility. And that's the biggest thing I could think of.

[B]

I'm dying.

[C]

Yeah. I don't have long left.

[A]

I also don't know which of those is harder to fake. You know what I mean?

[B]

I find out I only have six weeks, and I could really use this for my funeral. You know what I mean?

[A]

Just. I'm pregnant.

[B]

Right.

[C]

That would have been it. And the moment I said, I didn't even have time to think about it, but the moment it came out of my mouth, Miss Nancy lets out a scream of excitement, by the way.

[A]

Sorry. Cause he's gay, like, profiled again. It's like, of course he is talented and can sing and record deal, and he's going Broadway.

[B]

Right.

[C]

It's your calling.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[A]

You don't.

[C]

It's your homosexual calling. Yeah. She lets out this, like, crazy, like, scream of excitement, gets up, opens the door to her office, and, like, announces.

[B]

To the whole fantastic lot of New.

[C]

Directions that Kevin got a record deal, and we're gonna, like, send him on his way.

[A]

Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait. Tell me. So how are you behaving when this happens? Are you doing sort of like, fake humility? Yeah. Cut it out.

[C]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

Was there a part of you that was like, God, I wish this was real?

[C]

Totally.

[A]

Did it feel so good, and you just felt like such a star?

[C]

There was a moment where I was like, someday this will be how people really react to me. Like, everyone sort of, like, clapped, and like, I'm like, thanks. Thanks, everyone. I'm so excited. And I was like, I have to get the fuck out of New Directions. Like, I can't keep this up for super long. Everyone's plotting. And of course, Miss Nancy was like, no problem. We're gonna let you go. We'll get you your refund.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

That's amazing.

[C]

She had the power, right? You know what I mean?

[B]

She was just happy for you.

[A]

So she's like, you've gotten so much more than, like, her money is worth, you know, for him. Because, like, now she's got a star.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

You know who she could say was technically a pupil? It's like, you come to New Directions and you leave, you know, a superstar in the big city.

[B]

I've got a new name to drop.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

My picture is probably on the wall.

[A]

Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Everything, you know, you learned from Miss Nancy?

[C]

Pretty much.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. She's my mentor. I'm, like, signing autographs on the way out. I'm serious. It was, like, this very surreal moment, but I was like, I did it. I'm out of here. I signed some paperwork, I got in my car and drove away. Until two days later, I'm at work at Olive Garden. And who walks through the door?

[A]

Oh, not Miss fucking Nancy.

[C]

Miss Nancy is coming to Olive Garden for some soup and salad.

[B]

Fantastic.

[C]

For lunch. It's two days later, and so, I mean, she walks in and she's, like, excited again. I mean, I think it was easy to think, oh, he just hasn't turned.

[B]

Well, yeah, it's not like you get a big dragon.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[C]

Right, right, right. So she sees me, and she immediately lights up again. And, like, she's, like, saying things, like, to the host, she's like, are you excited for this guy? And they're like, not really.

[A]

Like, what?

[C]

But she immediately is, like, buzzing around.

[A]

Olive Green, acting like your agent. Yes.

[B]

God.

[C]

And so she requests me to be her server, and I have to go over to her and be like, miss Nancy. I haven't told anyone yet. So, like, you have to, like, keep.

[B]

It on the low.

[A]

Oh, and I bet she fucking loves that.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I bet she loves being in the know on the show biz she was having.

[C]

Yes, totally. She had the inside scoop and she, you know, so she had her Olive Garden meal and we went. When she left, you know, have you seen those? It's like, it looks like $100, but then you open it up and it says something about Jesus around the house.

[B]

Oh, I haven't seen any of those. The worst.

[A]

Is that what she left you as a tip? Yes. Are you fucking kidding me?

[C]

It's a pretty common well.

[A]

Cause she's already given you your 500 back. That's your tips for life.

[B]

But with no cash.

[C]

No, I think she wrote like a little like a smiley face and like good luck or something. But those are appalling, isn't it?

[B]

Yes, absolutely. That's crazy.

[C]

That's actually a pretty common Southern story, right? Those little pamphlets. But there's one that looks like a hundred dollar bill.

[B]

And it's like if you want somebody to be really mad about whatever you're advertising, put it in the middle of a hundred dollar bill and make them think they're picking up a hundred dollar bill. They're just gonna be pissed off that they're looking at whatever this brand is. Including Jesus, apparently.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So. And then it's over. I mean, I don't really care that much at that point. A year later, I'm still at Olive Garden. Of course.

[A]

Of course you are, babe.

[C]

A year later, Miss Nancy comes through the front door of Olive Garden with a little entourage for her birthday, which in the south, that's a common birthday dinner.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

It's fancy.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, no. They love their children pre breadsticks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God. The main takeaway from working at Olive Garden is people can eat a lot of breadsticks.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. It brings something out of people.

[B]

I think I'm one of those.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Are you?

[B]

I love the breadsticks.

[A]

Bottomless for breadsticks.

[B]

They're so good.

[C]

I've heard that.

[B]

Put a little mayonnaise on it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Now, obviously, a few days after saying, I've just got a record deal, it's fine to be working in the Olive Garden, but she's probably at this point been checking the newspaper and not being able to see anything. And then here you are, right.

[C]

A year later. I mean, I am busted.

[A]

You're so busted. Did you have a showdown about it?

[B]

Did you say anything?

[A]

Did you lie again?

[C]

Well, so she walks in and she sees me. We lock eyes, and immediately I see on her face. She is like. She looks at me and she knows that I lied to her.

[A]

Fuck.

[C]

Disappointed. Like, immediately disappointed. I mean, I don't really care that much. Cause I got my $500 back.

[A]

It was a year ago. There's nothing she can do now, right?

[C]

But she looks at me with this look of pure disappointment. Heartbreak, disillusionment. I've ruined Miss Nancy. She comes in and she sits down with her friends for her birthday. And at Olive Garden, I don't think they do this anymore. But back in the day, they made us sing this really obnoxious song. We had to, like, circle the table for Happy Birthday.

[B]

For Happy Birthday? Yeah.

[A]

Is the obnoxious song Happy Birthday?

[C]

No, it goes.

[B]

They have their own Happy Birthday song, right?

[C]

We circle around with a picture, a piece of tiramisu with a candle in it. And we're all like, 1, 2, 1, 2, 3. From the pasta we make to the lasagna we bake. Bum bum, bum bum we're wishing you a happy birthday. It's so stupid. It's long. That was just, like, the first stanza. It goes on for long. And she's sitting there totally still while we're singing this song. She's got a piece of tiramisu with the candle in front of her. And before she blows her candle out, she goes, this server is a liar and not a man of God. And blows her tiramisu candle Axe. And everyone is like. I mean, she was pointing at me.

[B]

Like, I wish he wasn't a liar.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would have said. They shelved me.

[A]

That's what I would have said. That's exactly what I thought.

[B]

They shelved me.

[A]

I would have turned it into a sob story.

[B]

Can you believe it? And now I'm back at Olive Garden.

[A]

I wouldn't have wanted a hug. But then I would have taken it too far and re enrolled in New Directions. And that's the tragic part of my brain. And then I would have not become a huge comedian on TikTok. I would have still been a nail fungus, toe fungus expert in Nashville.

[C]

Should I hunt Miss Nancy down and tell her? I want you to know that all those years ago, I just. I had a record deal and it fell apart and I had to go back to Olive Garden.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And then she'll hear this episode and know. You lied to her again.

[B]

Again. Double whammy. Double whammy.

[A]

I really appreciate the speed of your lie. It was such an Extreme insane thing to say, given that wasn't really part of your planned trajectory at the time.

[C]

I know I don't see myself as a liar, but I guess I am.

[B]

And by the way, we both.

[A]

You're a pathological liar for that moment. What are you talking about?

[B]

Definitely that quick. But we both of our stories involved a little round of applause, too. We both got a little round of applause.

[A]

I have a little round of applause story.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When I realized, I was like, oh, my God, there's a second round of applause. It reminded me of this time where I was 30, I had moved to America. I didn't want to be on television anymore. I'd been on television in my 20s, and I was like, this is not for me anymore. It just made me feel bad about myself, and I just didn't like it. I was like, I want to be a comedy writer. And I was a DJ at the time, and I was like, I just want to do that. But I'd run out of money, so I'd gone into my agency. I was signed to uta and I was like, listen, I need work now. You need to get me, like a writing job or a DJ gig or something now. And they're all like, we want you to do television. You know, you've got such a long career in this, and, you know, we think you should try acting. And I was like, I don't know anything about acting. I was like, I've never done an acting class before. I can't do. I don't want to be on television anymore. So we're all having this big argument now. We're in the downstairs room at uta, right? It's like this kind of fishbowl room, and it faces the entrance of uta, so you can see anyone who's coming in and out. And I'm facing the door and I'm talking, and we're arguing and we're arguing, and there's like, more and more agents coming in to try and talk me out of this decision to retire entirely from tv. And I don't know who the fuck these people are that are being brought in. It's just like more and more. I think they've just like, they're just pulling in anyone they can to kind of strong arm me. And as I'm talking, I'm looking at the door and. And this woman walks in, and I was like, fuck me. That looks exactly like my biggest school bully. But she wouldn't be. That was in England. She wouldn't be in Los Angeles on the same Day and the same time in the same age. Is she even in this industry? Like, obviously it's not her. And then I keep talking, keep talking. And then she clocks me, stops walking and slowly raises her hand and waves at me. At which point I'm like, holy fucking shit, it's my school bully. So I slide down on my chair under the table where I just sit there, fucking panicking. Just immediately, immediately I'm 12 years old again and I'm in the lunchroom and she's written ugly bitch on my locker and is terrorizing me. These were kids who used to come over, like, on a Saturday night when I'd be watching the Eurovision Song Contest with my mother. And they would all, like 10 of them, come over to my house, ring my doorbell, come upstairs and be like, what are you up to tonight? And I'd think they were inviting me out. And I'd be like, nothing, I'm just watching the Eurovision Song Contest with my mum. Wrong answer. Never say that. Smoke weed in the park. Be cool. Be Justin Timberlake. It's so crazy that you're that much cooler than me and you want to be Justin Timberlake. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's how like the bar is in hell.

[B]

You was cool there.

[A]

Yeah, that's true, that's true. And I'd be like, oh, I'm just watching tv. And they'd be like, okay, cool. Well, we're going out to a party. Bye. So they would come over just to let me know they're going out on, like a fun night.

[B]

It's terrible.

[A]

This is the kind of caliber of bullying. It's like that soul destroying stays with you. I'm sweating now. I'm shitting now.

[C]

You didn't deserve that.

[A]

No, thank you. Thank you very much. I was a strange child. I did have the energy of a school shooter. On some level, I think I did deserve it. I asked for it a little bit. But anyway, so I'm 12 years old. I feel like I'm in the lunchroom all over again. And I just start having like an actual panic attack. And my manager, like, reaches down to me and she's like, are you okay? You were in the middle of a sentence, like, what's going on? And so I'm like, everyone can see me. She can probably see me. So I, I, I, I grab a pen from the table, bring it down with me, and then I do this kind of like theatrical mime of like, ah, I found my pen. Look, everyone, this is my pen that I found down There. So I'm just trying to reassure her that I'm not afraid. I just lost my pen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she's looking at me, and I can feel her eyes burning into me. And so I start my. My agents and my managers have noticed that my behavior has changed. I'm no longer coherent. I'm starting to stammer a lot. And they're like, what is going on? And I was like, okay. I was bullied really badly at school. And my number one school bully is sitting outside of this room right now. She's in the chair in the lobby, and she's looking at me. Don't look at her. And they're like, holy shit. And then suddenly, everyone in the room becomes humanized, right? Because agents became agents because they want power, because they were all bullied at school. That is a one consistent thing, is that, you know that every agent was at one point shoved in a toilet at school. So the human beings in them, like, the suit falls apart, and the human being rises up in all of these people around me, and they're like, what do you need us to do? Do you want us to get her fired from here? Like, do you want us to get her dropped? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Bad karma. We don't even know why she's here. We don't know it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. And so I was like, no, no, no. I don't know what to do. They were like, well, what do you need? What do you need? And I was like, it would be really great if you could give me a round of applause. And then they did it, and they gave me a standing ovation. And I felt so humiliated. And I started doing what Kevin did, which was being like, oh, no, stop it. Ah, shucks. Oh, calm down. And I'm really, like, living up the moment.

[B]

In what scenario would a bunch of agents just start?

[A]

I don't know, because my career so. Well, while I'm actually trying to retire at barely 30. And so they're just like. Like, they're all just. They were also all probably actors at some point who didn't. So it's like the performance of a lifetime. And it Suddenly feels like an 80s movie where I'm the star and I. And I'm just like, thank you so much for this. I'm gonna call you from the car park because I have to leave at this point, Right? This is the apex. Like, I've got to. I've gotta go. So I'm just like. I was like, I'm ending the meeting early. I'm gonna call you from the car park. They're like, okay, you go. And as I'm walking out, they're still cheering. And then one of them, I don't know who, goes, congratulations on the nomination. And I'm like, thanks, man. And I walk out, and I don't even look at her, but I feel her looking at me the whole time in the greatest moment of triumph in my life that never actually happened.

[B]

I love that you. But you asked for what you needed and they gave it to you. That's amazing.

[A]

Such a beautiful moment of, like, feeling the most vulnerable I could feel as an adult, like, being pulled right back to that child moment. I know this is a wrong turn. So this is a far too inspiring story. And it has an even happier ending, which I almost feel loath to say.

[B]

But having the wherewithal to know that that would do it for you, you know, in that moment.

[A]

But that's what did it for all of us. All three of us survived off of.

[C]

Like, A plus, a little applause.

[A]

You know what? And I think there's a lesson in there, you know, wherever you can give applause, like, hand it out to people because you could be a lifesaver. You could save someone's wrong turn, give people their props. They saved me with that moment. And weirdly, in that meeting, they were telling me they wanted me to go for an audition at the Good Place, and I was saying, no, no, no, no, no. So when I called them from the car park, I was like, that was such a nice thing for you to do. I'll go to this audition. I'm not going to get it. I don't know how to act. But thank you so much. I went to the audition, and then I ended up on the Good Place because of my school bully. So it's a weird. Right. Wrong turn.

[B]

And now she gets to think that was the job they were congratulating.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I was already nominated for.

[B]

Already nominated. You were that good. You were that good.

[A]

A Hollywood plant.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you so much for being here. This has been a very, like, bonding, therapeutic, cathartic episode. I feel like I've really got a strong sense of all of us, and it feels like we all would have been friends if we'd been children together.

[B]

I think so.

[A]

Yeah. I really do.

[B]

But now that we're adults, let's just.

[A]

No, no, no. I'm never speaking to either of you again. 100%. You are fucking dead to me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Before you go, in the name and the spirit of community. Our listeners sometimes write in with their own wrong turn moments or moments of clusterfuck. And I wanted to read one to you. This is from Lizbeth, a listener. She says, in my one and only one night stand, I was hooking up with a guy at his place. I was having a great time. I imagined that this would be my new life, A new shag every night. And I loved it. Then I felt something weird on my ankle. It's never a good place to start. I tried to ignore it, but then I felt a bite. A small bite. It was dark. I told him something just bit me. And he said to try to ignore it because it's just Chester, his pet squirrel.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

No one sells pet squirrels. Yeah, this means that this man stole a squirrel, domesticated a fucking squirrel from the street.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And it's biting this woman's naked ankle.

[B]

So just ignore it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just ignore it. Don't worry. This is my pet coyote. Don't worry about it. Yeah. So he asks if we could continue. Classic, classic adding Chester.

[B]

Can we talk about this after?

[A]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And he says the reason they should continue is because Chester bites but does not draw blood.

[B]

Oh, they're just little nibbles.

[A]

That's so.

[C]

Little squirrel nibbles.

[A]

Classic British.

[C]

Get into it.

[A]

So she, yeah, she ended the sex, called it a night, and now she has a new screening session for all of her potential prospects. Yeah.

[C]

Do you have a squirrel?

[B]

Do you have any rodents?

[A]

Absolutely foul. You've both been an absolute dream. Thank you so much for coming today. Before you go, will you tell everyone where they can find you and what you that you want them to look at and listen to?

[C]

All of my stuff is on my website, kevinjamesthornton.com and I have a podcast called Call Kevin you can listen to.

[B]

You can find me Ealdamrose on every platform, and then I don't have a podcast, but I will have a podcast soon.

[A]

What's it gonna be called? Or have you just come up with it right now?

[B]

Are you doing it, Kevin?

[A]

And you're like, I just got a record deal, guys.

[B]

Cat, it hasn't gotten shelved yet.

[A]

Are you just, like, jealous that we both have podcasts? No, go on.

[B]

It's called Small Stupid Stuff. And it's me and my buddy Ryan Eggold.

[A]

Amazing. Amazing. We were both incredibly funny online. You're both incredibly talented, and I'm thrilled that you could be here today.

[B]

Thank you so much for having us.

[A]

It's such a joy. Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personal disasterstoriesmail.com you can find full length videos of our episodes on YouTube. And don't forget to subscribe like review wherever you get your podcasts and tell your friends about us. And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called Alone Desire to Please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna off now. Bye.

[C]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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