Alan Tudyk and Jade Catta-Preta

Summary

Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil

Episode: Alan Tudyk and Jade Catta-Preta
Date: March 19, 2026

---

Overview

In this episode of Wrong Turns, host Jameela Jamil invites prolific actor Alan Tudyk and comedian/actress Jade Catta-Preta to share their most mortifying, hilarious, and cringeworthy stories. No lessons, no morals—just unfiltered reveling in each other’s embarrassing misadventures. This is a raw and riotous celebration of life’s humiliations, with a focus on mishaps both big and small, from botched introductions with Disney bosses to childhood theater disasters, misplaced intimacy, and sporty nightmares.

---

Key Discussions & Insights

1. Ice-Breakers & Embracing Disaster

(01:11–03:32)

• Jameela sets the tone: "We're not looking for silver linings... we're here just to marinade in our shame together." (01:16)
• Alan: Admits to frequent disasters, so much so that “it’s hard for me to remember them, because I accept them.” (02:38)
• Jade: Jokes that comics like her tend to “black out on life” and recall embarrassments only when prompted—she’s currently “on my period in white pants.” (03:06)

---

2. Micro Humiliations: Disney Disaster & Touchy Moments

(03:33–10:41)

Alan Tudyk: Disney Name Blunder

• At a Disney party, Alan tries to impress his wife by introducing her to Alan Horn (chairman), but mixes up the names:
  • Quote: “My name is Bob Iger.” (04:29)
  • Alan reflects: “He spun on his heel and stormed on.” (04:39)
• Animators laugh at Alan’s blunder because everyone knows Iger is “the CEO,” while Horn is “an older man... likes a glass of wine.” (05:14)
• Jameela jokes: “That is fucking mortifying. Well done for still being hired by Disney.” (05:39)

Jade Catta-Preta: Watch What Happens Live

• Jade, excited to appear as a bartender on Watch What Happens Live, embarrasses herself in front of Andy Cohen by yanking a hair off his face—only to realize it was attached. He never talks to her again. (07:24)
• Quote: “I yanked it. I gave it a good—And he goes, 'ow.' And I go, 'oh.'” (08:02)
• The Soup got canceled two weeks later, which Jade blames on the incident. (08:22)

Stories About Touching People’s Hair

• Alan recounts a drama student pulling a six-inch shoulder hair from a drama teacher, who clasps his neck in pain: “Ow!” (09:25)
• The trio riff on society’s weird relationship with hair, with Jade now dating someone who refuses to shave her mustache—“She’s like: it's my hair. Stop policing it.” (10:15)

---

3. Big Wrong Turns: Childhood Humiliation & Sports Nightmares

(12:11–30:54)

Jade Catta-Preta: DARE Play Catastrophe

• As a Brazil-to-Virginia immigrant, Jade’s first school play role is "the lungs" in a DARE musical. She misses her cue, blurting out “no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no” instead of her single “No.” (13:52)
• Quote: “Now that I’m putting it together, it’s probably why I’ve been doing stand-up for 17 years.” (14:36)

Alan Tudyk: Industry Soccer Fiasco

• Invited to a casual soccer game with industry Brits (including possible stars like Ewan McGregor), Alan realizes too late that “not good at soccer” means actually talented compared to his experience as a child.
• He buys new shoes, exhausts himself quickly, is physically aggressive (“I liked hitting people”), and is moved back to goalie for lack of skill—then scored on repeatedly.
• Quote: “My own teammate stole the ball from me because he knew I was terrible… I was the only one on my team.” (24:52)
• After the game, Alan notes: “No one wanted to, like, be near me.” He wasn't invited to drinks after. (27:16)
• Jameela shares her own goalie trauma: as a child, she broke her ribs when a classmate scored a winning goal by kicking a ball into her chest. (25:39)

---

4. Intimacy & Embarrassment

(16:10–18:47)

• Jameela confesses: “I've kissed six people ever… I always miss the mouth. Always.” (16:15, 16:53)
• Jade recalls her first kiss at age 7—mouths didn’t line up, like “hitting a bong” incorrectly. (17:25)
• Alan: “If ever I’m on top of someone or making out, it’s supposed to be bad and funny.” (18:24)

---

5. IVF Fiasco: The $5,000 First Date

(33:09–36:34)

• Jameela shares her anti-godmother strategy: she tries to avoid being asked by paying for her friends’ IVF treatments, texting for written confirmation that she’s off the hook. (34:00)
• One friend uses a progressive European sperm donation service, but she and the donor end up sleeping together the night before and after the medical deposit—so conception “the old-fashioned way” plus IVF.
• Quote: “I basically paid $5,000 so far for the world’s most expensive first date.” (36:06)
• “They’re still dating now—It’s been 18 months.”
• Alan: “A coffin.” (the only other expensive gift he’d buy for a friend) (36:24)

---

6. End-of-Show Banter: Where to Find the Guests & OnlyFans Chat

(36:34–41:07)

• Jade shares her comedy dates and OnlyFans handle (“Funnybutt”), explaining she mostly posts funny videos and “butt photos you had to pay for on my OnlyFans.” (37:00–38:47)
  • Alan: “Why do I have to get out my junk while she’s just showing her feet?” (40:34)
• Alan plugs his TV appearances: Resident Alien, others; jokes about being typecast as robots/aliens. (39:36–40:10)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

"We’re not looking for silver linings… we're here just to marinade in our shame together in a sort of big shame Jaguar Jacuzzi, all as one."
– Jameela Jamil (01:16)

"My middle name is your middle name."
– Alan Tudyk, in response to Jameela’s exuberant greeting (01:48)

"I yanked it. I gave it a good—And he goes, 'ow.' And I go, 'oh.' And then he never talked to me ever again."
– Jade Catta-Preta, on the Andy Cohen whisker incident (08:02)

"My name is Bob Iger."
– Bob Iger to Alan Tudyk, who introduced him as Alan Horn (04:29)

"Now that I’m putting it together, it’s probably why I’ve been doing stand-up for 17 years."
– Jade Catta-Preta on her childhood play fiasco (14:36)

"My own teammate stole the ball from me because he knew I was terrible… I was the only one on my team."
– Alan Tudyk, soccer humiliation (24:52)

"I basically paid $5,000 for the world’s most expensive first date."
– Jameela Jamil, on inadvertently funding her friend’s romance/baby (36:06)

"Why do I have to get out my junk while she’s just showing her feet?"
– Alan Tudyk, on OnlyFans parity (40:34)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Show Start / Disaster Mindset: 01:11–03:32
• Alan’s Disney Blunder: 03:33–05:39
• Jade’s Andy Cohen Mishap: 07:24–08:22
• Hair & Social Embarrassment: 08:28–10:41
• Jade’s School Play Failure: 12:15–14:43
• Alan’s Soccer Disaster: 19:14–30:54
• Intimacy Fumbles: 16:10–18:47
• Jameela's IVF “Wrong Turn” Gift: 33:09–36:34
• OnlyFans & Wrap-Up Banter: 36:34–41:07

---

Tone & Style

The episode overflows with playful, self-deprecating humor, and candid honesty. Jameela is irreverent and supportive, thriving as the instigator and sympathetic confidant. Alan brings dry wit and endearing awkwardness, while Jade is energetic, brash, and unfiltered—never shying from her mortifying recollections. The trio riff effortlessly, turning each mishap into comedic gold.

---

For Listeners

Wrong Turns is a cathartic, laughter-packed ride through public blunders and private cringe. If you’ve ever wanted to disappear into the floor after a faux pas, this show will make you feel you’re in excellent company—and remind you that sometimes, it’s okay to just sit in the shame Jacuzzi together.

---

Note:
For more Wrong Turns—and to submit your own stories—email: [e-mail].
Find Jameela, Jade, and Alan for more comedy, TV, and, apparently, unique OnlyFans content.

Transcript

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Everyone deserves to be connected. T Mobile and US Cellular are joining forces. Our networks are coming together bringing more T Mobile coverage all over the country. Switch to T Mobile and save up to 20% versus Verizon by getting built in benefits they leave out. Check the math@t mobile.com Switch and now T Mobile is available in a US cellular store near you bigger network. The combination of T Mobile and US Cellular's network footprints will enhance the T Mobile network's coverage savings versus comparable Verizon plans. Plus the costs of options, benefits, plan features and taxes and fees vary. Savings with three plus lines include third free line free via monthly bill credits. Credit stop if you cancel any lines. Qualifying credit required.

[Gatorade Announcer]

You do it all. So why not get all the electrolytes Hydrate better than water with new Gatorade lower sugar. Now with no artificial flavors, sweeteners or colors. And 75% less sugar than regular Gatorade. New to the fridge. All the Gatorade electrolytes you love. Gatorade lowers sugar.

[Jerry Insurance Announcer]

Is it in you?

[Gatorade Announcer]

Now available nationwide.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is the show where dignity goes to die. I bring on my favorite funny people and they tell me tales of woe and humiliation and. And we don't try and wrap it up with a nice neat bow. All right? We're not looking for silver linings. We're not looking for great pearls of wisdom. We're here just to marinade in our shame together in a sort of big shame. Jaguar, Jacuzzi, all as one. And I invite my favorite funny people. And joining me today we have a prolific actor who has appeared in Arrested Development, Rogue One andor Superman, anti stars and Resident Alien, which you can see on Syfy and Peacock. It's Alan fucking Tudyk.

[Alan Tudyk]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Fucking Tudy. I've been a fan of your.

[Alan Tudyk]

People don't know my middle name is your middle name.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've been a fan of yours forever. And so when you walked in, I was just like. I mean, I've seen you before, but every time I see you, I'm just, wow. A little bit.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, yeah. Same. I feel that. I feel it some way. It's pretty fucking awesome.

[Jameela Jamil]

And also we welcome comedian, actress who has appeared on Modern Family and Life in Pieces. She hosted the Soup on E and Hotties on Hulu. It's Jade Catapretta. I'm gonna start doing that.

[Jade Catapretta]

I know. It's good.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's good, right? How are you both? Are you all right? Feeling good?

[Jade Catapretta]

Sweaty. The world's ending, but like in a.

[Jameela Jamil]

In A chic way. In a chic way. Yeah. We're gonna go look together at things.

[Alan Tudyk]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Guys, when it comes to disasters, the podcast about disaster, is it something you take too kindly?

[Alan Tudyk]

Disasters. I do them often. I have learned to live with them. So much so that it's hard for me to remember them, because I accept them.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes. Same. Very much so. Same. And I find that this podcast kind of unearths hidden, buried traumas. I just remembered one liter this second. What is it? Just go.

[Alan Tudyk]

No, you don't want to hear it. No, it's not even. It's just. It's awful.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, is it sad?

[Alan Tudyk]

It is. It is sad.

[Jameela Jamil]

Is it dark in there?

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, we like that. But I feel you. Like, after I talked to Stuart, your producer, it was like I was like, I'm never embarrassed. I'm a comic. Like, I black out on life, you know? And then every day since I've been. Everything is coming to me. Also on my period in white pants, so we never know if I get another one today.

[Jameela Jamil]

Amazing. Exciting. What color is the chair? It's white.

[Jade Catapretta]

It's white. Brilliant.

[Jameela Jamil]

Fantastic.

[Jade Catapretta]

I just like to live on the edge, you know?

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, let's just jump straight in. I want to know some micro humiliations. Alan.

[Alan Tudyk]

Okay, this is a micro. When I went to a party for Raya and the Last Dragon, I do a lot of voices for Disney, and it was for all of the animators and all of the people who do make the movies. You don't usually get to meet them when you're voice talent. And I was invited to this thing that was for all of them. And so I'm meeting people I had never known, people being very nice. We're taking lots of pictures. And then I see Alan Horn, the chairman of Walt Disney Studios, and he sees me across the room. He locks eyes with me, and he makes a beeline right for me, puts out his hand. He says, alan Tudyk, thank you so much for coming tonight. And I said, thank you. He said, it means a lot to everybody here because they don't get to meet the voice actors. And for them, you're, like, even a bigger star than you could possibly be, because they've been working with your voice and now you're here. And I said, can I please introduce you to my wife? She will be tickled to meet you. And he said, yes. And I said, babe, this is Alan Horne. Alan, this is my wife, Carissa. And she said, it's a pleasure to meet you. And he said, it's nice to Meet you too. My name is Bob Iger. And then he spun on his heel and stormed on. I don't know. He stormed, but he didn't give me a chance to either.

[Jade Catapretta]

But it was a pivot.

[Alan Tudyk]

I meant. I meant to say Bob Iger, the CEO of. Of Disney. Not just the chairman of Disney Studios, because there's so many.

[Jameela Jamil]

How many times have you worked for Disney since.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah. Are you banned from the park even?

[Alan Tudyk]

Well, he quit and then he came back. But I'm on Dan door and I've done. They've been nice enough to put me in more of their movies.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's very good.

[Alan Tudyk]

Voices of their movies.

[Jameela Jamil]

I bet he liked it. I bet it's nice to have someone finally. It's a bit like Lorne Michaels. I feel like he appreciates it when you don't, like, deep throat him.

[Alan Tudyk]

No, no, no. According to every animator I talked to that night, the guffaw laugh that they had when I told them what I did, they're like, alan Horn's an older man. Bob Iger goes rock climbing before 7am like, he is a stock straight, handsome man who wants to be president one day. Alan Horne likes a glass of wine, maybe, you know, some good canapes.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is fucking mortifying. Well done for still being hired by Disney. I'm very, very proud of you. That is deeply, deeply embarrassing. And also happens all the time. Like, it's hard to remember everyone. And I feel like I have such an over familiarity with everyone. I get everyone wrong. You know, you can't tell. You're like, have I seen you on TV or did we shag? Like, where do I know you from? Where do I. Where can I. Yeah.

[Alan Tudyk]

You've never met anyone that you're like, we shagged.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, I actually didn't because I'm actually quite frigid. But it's a. But I have. But she has. Jade has. Yeah, Jade. Yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, I have. I really have.

[Alan Tudyk]

No.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah. Like, when I go back home to Virginia all the time, I go like, Michael. Like. And then I asked my sister, I'm like, how did I know him? She's like, you dated him for a year. I'm like, how?

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a nightmare. How do you get around when you don't remember someone? You have to introduce them to your wife.

[Jade Catapretta]

Oh, I just say. I say, have you met my wife for recently? This is my girlfriend, Chantel.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. And then you sit and then I

[Jade Catapretta]

wait for them to introduce them to them.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Alan Tudyk]

But Karissa's not great at it. Though she won't go.

[Jade Catapretta]

I'll tell her beforehand.

[Alan Tudyk]

I mean, she has to know by now.

[Jade Catapretta]

No, you have to train her. Every time.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think it's a passive aggressive move against you. That's what I think. And I think it's fucking brilliant. It's pretty good, Jay, any micro humiliations

[Jade Catapretta]

to report for the day? Yes, my as large of a mistake now. Okay, so I was gonna do Watch what Happens Live. I'm a huge Bravo head. Love reality tv. Like, I just love it. And I've been waiting to do Watch what Happens Live. I'm on the Soup, so everyone's being super sweet. I'm doing, like all the publicity rounds and I'm gonna be the bartender on Watch what Happens, which is not even like the main celebrity person. I'm just like, in the background, like, making cocktails, you know, Theresa was there. I'm a big fan of Theresa. She brought her jailmate. I was like, this is a big deal. She was in jail and became best friends with her jail mate.

[Alan Tudyk]

Oh, wow.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just thought it was such a funny thing. And right beforehand, I'm talking to Andy, and I'm a huge fan, you know, and he's a. Congratulations. I'm like, oh, my God, thank you. I'm such a fan. And then as he's leaving, I'm like, oh, you have something right here. And it was like a hair right here. And I go to get it and it's attached and I yank on it. Like, I give a little.

[Alan Tudyk]

Okay, now where is right here? Because we can't see.

[Jade Catapretta]

So on the cheers, where no hair should be coming from on Andy, but

[Jameela Jamil]

at least it's a man. Every time that's happened to me, every time it's happened to me, it's been with a woman, okay, over the age of 50, right? And I'm like. And I'm like, oh, you've just got a little eyelash. Oh, it's a whisker. Yeah, it's one of our whiskers.

[Jade Catapretta]

I yanked it. I, like, gave it a good. And he goes, oh. And I go, oh. And then he never talked to me

[Jerry Insurance Announcer]

ever again because he's humiliated.

[Jade Catapretta]

But who can't, you know, who fucking cares?

[Jameela Jamil]

Like, get over yourself.

[Alan Tudyk]

Oh, I understand. I, I, but he.

[Jade Catapretta]

No, but it was a moment. It was just a physical moment.

[Alan Tudyk]

It feels bad, but he should, you know, he shouldn't.

[Jameela Jamil]

No.

[Jade Catapretta]

And then the soup got canceled, like, two weeks later. So I'm pretty sure that's why.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

Not because of the horrible Numbers or Covid. Because of that. Because you yanked his whisk up.

[Alan Tudyk]

There was a girl in my drama school who pulled a hair off of the shoulder of the head of the drama department, Michael Khan. And he was a very hirsute man, older, like the kind of guy where all your nostrils are full completely of hair, where you could just see her and ears the same. And there was a hair hanging off his shoulder.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Alan Tudyk]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

I would imagine a man who's got this much hair sprouting from every orifice has got lots of hairs on his shoulders. Or was he only hairy in the orifices and then just sort of like a dolphin everywhere else? And had one rogue standing out hair.

[Alan Tudyk]

Luckily, we were not aware what was happening under the clothes. Unlike the drama students, the drama teachers kept it on. The drama students are always finding excuses to get naked, but not the teacher. And she pulled a hair from his shoulder and he clasped his hand on his neck and went, ow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, it's just such a horrible moment. We've got to stop touching each other.

[Alan Tudyk]

It wove his sweater from his neck. This thing was a good 6 inches, like a vine. It was a massive hair.

[Jade Catapretta]

I like. It went like this.

[Alan Tudyk]

It went

[Jameela Jamil]

through the fireplace.

[Alan Tudyk]

He didn't pull it off. It wasn't attached to his shoulder, it

[Jade Catapretta]

was attached to his neck.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is fucking amazing. It was Rosemary's Baby or something.

[Jade Catapretta]

I didn't understand at first. I thought he just went, ow. Like, it was like the pain.

[Alan Tudyk]

She pulled the hair and it was attached to his neck. Pilar Witherspoon, this is your Pilar. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wrong turn.

[Alan Tudyk]

Wrong turn. That was your wrong turn. Shout out to Pilar Witherspoon, wherever you are, darling.

[Jade Catapretta]

We have such a thing with hair, you know, I've just spent my entire life removing hair from my body.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right, right, right, right, right.

[Jade Catapretta]

And now I'm like, dating a lesbian with a mustache. So it's like she doesn't care. Doesn't give a shit.

[Jameela Jamil]

She's teaching me the right ways.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, she doesn't. She's like, it's my hair. Stop policing it.

[Jameela Jamil]

What, have you been trying to get her to have a little shave? Shave, yes.

[Jade Catapretta]

Sometimes she gets a little. No, I like the armpit hair. I'm like, mm. But, like, sometimes the nose hairs, I'll be like, oh, chop this. She's like, stop policing my hair. She's British.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, I did not get that.

[Jade Catapretta]

Sorry. The accent's not good.

[Alan Tudyk]

My accent's not good.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't deal with a Bolivian woman.

[Jade Catapretta]

She gets miscategorized all the time, but yeah, wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, hair's weird.

[Jade Catapretta]

So hair's weird. Yeah, we all have a weird thing with hair.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, why doesn't everyone think about their hair? Well, we go to a quick break. Everybody do it. Yeah. And we are back. All right.

[Darina from Quo]

Hi, I'm Darina, co founder of Quo. If you run a business, you know, the team that responds first wins the customer. You've probably opened your phone to a bunch of missed calls and no voicemails. Those are missed opportunities and exactly why we built Quo. Quo is the business phone system that helps your team handle every call and text right away. Join over 90,000 businesses that win more customers with Quo. Try Quo for [e-mail] business. That's Q U-O.com business.

[Jerry Insurance Announcer]

You know what's wild? Most people are still overpaying for car insurance just because it's a pain to switch. That's why there's Jerry. Jerry's the only app that compares rates from over 50 insurance in minutes and helps you switch fast. With no spam calls or hidden fees. Drivers who save with Jerry could save over $1,300 a year before you renew your car insurance policy. Do yourself a favor, download the Jerry app or head to Jerry AI acast.

[Gatorade Announcer (repeat)]

When you've done the work, we want your hydration to do the same. Introducing new Gatorade. Lower sugar now with no artificial flavors, sweeteners, or colors. And 75% less sugar and all the electrolytes of regular Gatorade now available nationwide.

[Jameela Jamil]

And we are back. Jade.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

What is your big wrong turn?

[Jade Catapretta]

Okay, this was a long time ago, so very current news. I'm an immigrant and I moved from Brazil to Charlottesville, Virginia, just because my parents wanted to guarantee I would get into stand up.

[Jameela Jamil]

Character building.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, character building. And I was like, really into theater and dance already. I didn't speak English. Just a little, you know, backstory. And they were doing a play called Pinocchio. Don't smoke that cigarette. It was a DARE production. Which. What does dare? I was trying to think of what DARE stands for. Drugs are really evil. What is it?

[Alan Tudyk]

Drugs, alcohol? Used to be. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I have no idea.

[Alan Tudyk]

A spokesperson for you.

[Jameela Jamil]

If you're looking at me, I don't fucking know where Dares. You are in charge of this whole thing Teetotal.

[Jade Catapretta]

But, you know, what have you. Did you have programs like that, like, against drugs? Like, it's like.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no, no. We try to get the children into drugs in England and Alcohol as soon as possible. So it's different there.

[Jade Catapretta]

So they could represent. Yeah, but like, so in Virginia, it was like, you know, DARE was like a big deal. They would do all these. What is it?

[Alan Tudyk]

Drug abuse, resistance education.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, drugs are really evil is pretty much better. So if you guys want to switch out, give me a call. So they were doing this DARE production play, and I was like, oh, my God, this is my moment. And I really wanted the main role, which was this busy body lady who, like, wanted him to exercise, wanted Podunky to exercise. And I went to Rachel Bodily, which I still. I don't hold a grudge, but I remember it.

[Alan Tudyk]

She's good. Rachel's good.

[Jameela Jamil]

She's good.

[Jade Catapretta]

She could speak English.

[Alan Tudyk]

Yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

You know what I mean? Memorize all the lines. People liked her. She was blonde. I really wanted.

[Jameela Jamil]

It sounds like racism to me.

[Jade Catapretta]

It's true. I should go back. And I got the part of the lungs, and so I was just wearing this little dress and I had, like, a little sign around my thing that said lungs. And it was a big deal.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was a high budget.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, it was a high budget production at Greer Elementary School. And there was a song that would go, pinocchio, don't smoke that cigarette. And Rachel Bodily got that line because she was the lead. And the kidneys would go, no. And then my second no would come right after. But he got nervous and he said the no off rhythm. And instead of waiting for the next rhythm of the no, when it got to me, I just go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And still think about it. And now that I'm putting it together, it's probably why I've been doing standup for 17 years. It, like, really stayed with me. And I get really nervous for, like, cues. Like, you know, when you do voiceover and they do the beep beep, I get like. I still have that little bit of, like, I have to not get too excited. I gotta wait for my turn.

[Jameela Jamil]

But that's gone quite red right now. I know. I like it.

[Jade Catapretta]

Well, it's hot in here, you guys. It's really insulated.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think it's just you.

[Jade Catapretta]

Later. There was. They did Damn Yankees and I could speak English and I got, like, confident and I booked the role of Lola and I was like, I guess this one's for me. It's an ethnic role. There was no other, like, brown people outside, so I got that. I was also Scary Spice because there was no other. I was, like, the most brown of the group.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah. I've always read you as that.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you. Perfect. Perfect.

[Jade Catapretta]

But it's funny how, like, these little things that happen that, like, it's so funny. Nobody remembers.

[Jameela Jamil]

Every time you're about to queue up, this memory comes back to you. That is absolutely. I can genuinely really relate to that. Do you have any performance little things that can trigger. Yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

Make you think of.

[Jameela Jamil]

Trigger terror.

[Alan Tudyk]

No.

[Jade Catapretta]

Sugar. Terror is good.

[Alan Tudyk]

No, they should. I don't.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, that's good. It's just you, Jade. We're both.

[Jade Catapretta]

That feels right on stage.

[Alan Tudyk]

Like on the first performances of stage, I will nearly hyperventilate. So I guess that is. I breathe so much to try to relax myself. I'll find myself dizzy at a certain point in the production.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Alan Tudyk]

And I have to wait for the.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah. With stand up, I feel nothing. But everything else. I feel nerves for me washing over you.

[Alan Tudyk]

I feel nothing.

[Jade Catapretta]

I feel. I don't. It's so weird. I really don't.

[Alan Tudyk]

Wow.

[Jade Catapretta]

I don't know what's happened. I think I'm really burnt out on it. Just because, you know, it's so much like, oftentimes, like two, I'll do an hour and then I'm like. Did I say this joke already that I'm about to say? Like, I'm like, oh, my God, Am I about to repeat this joke?

[Jameela Jamil]

Mine. Is anything intimate? Because I've kissed so few people. I've kissed six people ever.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, you're a prude.

[Jameela Jamil]

I forgot. Huge prude. Yeah. Six people in my whole life. Yeah. And I'm gonna be 40 soon, so that is a kiss. Let's all kiss. Yeah, let's go. So I. As soon as I know I have to be.

[Alan Tudyk]

I don't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

I feel like you guys agreed to that and now you're not doing it. She's a prude.

[Jade Catapretta]

Look, I'm making her uncomfortable, okay?

[Alan Tudyk]

I just.

[Jameela Jamil]

I feel really shy and sweaty now. So I lose my fucking mind as soon as I have to be in any way, like, intimate with someone. So I normally turn down anything that requires any kind of sexy vibes or romantic inclination for me, but I always miss the mouth. Always.

[Jade Catapretta]

Like, you just.

[Jameela Jamil]

I just put. Your whole nose just goes in my mouth. Oh, every time. Has that happened to you?

[Alan Tudyk]

No, I was just thinking. Oh, could be worse.

[Jade Catapretta]

I mean, like, where the mouth goes.

[Alan Tudyk]

It could be.

[Jameela Jamil]

What are you thinking of?

[Alan Tudyk]

I just. I don't know. I was trying to. You said I'm just like. You missed the mouth.

[Jade Catapretta]

My.

[Jameela Jamil]

In their mouth. Like, what do you think?

[Alan Tudyk]

I Don't know where. You just said it doesn't go on the mouth.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right, Right. You could end up on every single kiss I've ever had to. I just make a man every time.

[Jade Catapretta]

My very first kiss, I was seven in Brazil. I still remember it. Maybe this is an embarrassing story that's shaped me. Alex was the guy's name. He's a redhead black guy. And didn't you guys know about that? Redheads are. He knows because it's a TikTok thing. They're saying that redheads are black people. I've seen it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, so what?

[Alan Tudyk]

See, I had red hair. Yeah, see, Growing up.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, you're black.

[Alan Tudyk]

I am so far from black. People are cool. Redheads are not cool.

[Jade Catapretta]

No. Turn your head around again. Oh, sick.

[Alan Tudyk]

Oh, wait a second. There's something to this.

[Jade Catapretta]

So we go to kiss, and everyone knew we were kissing. Like it was a big deal. Like, meet me in the, like, after lunch, blah, blah, to kiss. And he opened his mouth and I closed mine. So he, like, went like this. So I remember the first time I went to hit a bong, I was like. And they were like, jade, no.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, bless you.

[Jade Catapretta]

So I'm the opposite. I just go for it now. And you get really nervous.

[Alan Tudyk]

It's funny, I think, sexy scenes. I don't get asked to do sexy scenes that are.

[Jameela Jamil]

Have you sung them your song? Have you tried?

[Alan Tudyk]

Well, that's. That's. Yeah. I mean, that's. In real life. That's just. That's the life of a rock star. I get asked to do a lot of sexy scenes, but. But sexy. Sexy scenes and things. It's always for comedy. Like, you're supposed to watch it and laugh. If ever I'm on top of someone or making out with somebody, it's supposed to be bad and funny.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Alan Tudyk]

Yeah. So I like those. Those are yeses that I could do.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's just. Anything that involves any kind of seriousness makes me want to fucking gouge my eyes out.

[Jade Catapretta]

I can't do it from, like, how your parents.

[Jameela Jamil]

Which. No one kissed me till I was 22. So it was 2. 21. Like, so it was too late. It's too late. So now I just don't have enough practice. And I'm always worried about what they're gonna think and I. I don't know what to do. And I just miss. I just miss. I'm just pathetic. I'm pathetic. All right, Alan, what is your big wrong turn?

[Alan Tudyk]

There's a. There's a screenwriter named Dean Craig. He's English.

[Jameela Jamil]

I did a. I'm very good friends with him.

[Alan Tudyk]

Oh, you know Dean.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Alan Tudyk]

Okay. So Dean wrote Death at a Funeral.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes, he did, yes. So you're great in it.

[Alan Tudyk]

I. Thank you very much. I was in the English version. There's also a American version that is primarily black actors. And even though I have red hair, I am actually not black. Yeah, they didn't.

[Jade Catapretta]

They didn't bring a lot of black people in it.

[Alan Tudyk]

So I went out with. To go meet Dean and he. To. I don't know, we're at Soho House, I think, and he. A friend of his came over and he's like, oh, Dean, what's. What's up, mate?

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, you can't.

[Alan Tudyk]

You can't be there for the game. What's going on? And British accent. It's not. I was swallowing it vaguely. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a bit Asian. Yeah, yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

Go on.

[Alan Tudyk]

Thank you. Come on. We're supposed to go down at a. Now.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's Australian.

[Alan Tudyk]

Anyway.

[Jameela Jamil]

Come on, mate, We've got to put another shrimp on the barbie.

[Alan Tudyk]

So he was saying, you're not going to be there for the football game, the soccer game this weekend. What's going on? And Dean says, oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I hurt my ankle. And he's like, well, we're going to be one short. And Dean said, alan, do you play? And I said, oh, I played when I was a kid, but like, little kid. And they're like, great. You should go. You should totally play. Nobody plays well, everybody. It's just for. It's just. We're just having fun. It's a bunch of Brits and a bunch of expats getting together on a field and we do it every once in a while and they are kind of industry ish.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Ewan McGregor is occasionally on that team. Like all kinds of people. Yeah. Just randomly.

[Alan Tudyk]

So, you know, I know this.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Alan Tudyk]

Thank God Ewan McGregor wasn't there. Anyway, I go buy some soccer shoes. Basically, I put a costume together. I put together.

[Jade Catapretta]

You committed?

[Alan Tudyk]

I. Huh. Yeah. I didn't have anything. So I put some soccer shoes on and I got like a general football shirt. It didn't commit me to one team or another. It just sort of generally said, I'm fit and I play soccer. So I show up, my team is excited. There a director I knew was there. Everybody's talking about how pissed. Oh, they're terrible. They're pissed. Poor at this. They're terrible. And there's a really nice guy on my team. I was like, is he the Nicest guy. He was like, from Jamaica. Everybody from, like, Equatorial New Guinea. People who grow up playing soccer and.

[Jade Catapretta]

And you and me, America.

[Alan Tudyk]

So when they say I'm not good at soccer, their idea of what is and isn't good is very different from mine.

[Jade Catapretta]

They're saying it as they're dribbling the ball.

[Alan Tudyk]

They are.

[Jade Catapretta]

I'm shy.

[Alan Tudyk]

What I think of is like, oh, Pele does that. Or other soccer players, which I don't know their names because I don't watch that crap. You know, I watch hockey. I mean, I'm like, yeah, that's how white I am. I'm so, you know, I'm Canadian.

[Jade Catapretta]

Like, if the field isn't white, I won't watch it. Exactly.

[Alan Tudyk]

That's. Well, not, you know. Anyway, they're like, what is your.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wow, one week of ice raids and you've already turned. Jesus Christ, you guys, I'm sorry, I'm on one.

[Alan Tudyk]

Okay? I. They said, what, what, what position did you play, Alan? I said, I think it was called center forward. Is that a missionary? And they're like, yeah, yeah, that's who. That's what you're playing. Which back when I was little, like little, Little kid, little red faced, red headed asthma child running around and Texas grasses and anyway, I ran up and down the field chasing the ball, chasing the ball like an idiot. Never got to touch it. And then I think it was maybe 20 minutes in the game. I'm working overtime not to vomit. They've now removed me from my position and they've put me back near the goal in a wing position and because I suck. And they've realized, oh, this guy doesn't know what he's doing. He needs to get back there. And I'm just huffing and puffing, trying, just all every muscle in my body focused on not throwing up because I didn't want to vomit in front of everybody.

[Jameela Jamil]

I.

[Alan Tudyk]

That was the one success I had is I did not throw up that day.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, high five.

[Alan Tudyk]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. There we are.

[Jade Catapretta]

There we go.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no, no.

[Alan Tudyk]

Didn't vomit. But I continued to play.

[Jameela Jamil]

You humiliate yourself in front of all. Lots of industry professionals.

[Alan Tudyk]

Yes. And they. I didn't understand the rules. I liked hitting people. I liked the physical contact.

[Jameela Jamil]

Were you doing sort of like American football at a soccer game? Are you like, shoving people with your shoulders?

[Alan Tudyk]

Yes, yes, yes. Shoulders. No, I wasn't like tackling. It was kind of like. It was.

[Jameela Jamil]

So maybe they also moved you to the back. Not just because you were shit but also because you were, like, being a bit dangerous. They were.

[Alan Tudyk]

They were upset with me. I didn't realize I had upset a lot of people. It was kind of a rugby thing I was doing. I was more rug. It was like rug ball.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was like football. They don't know that you've made the mistake. They just think you have huge anger management issues. And now you have a terrible reputation with all of these people.

[Alan Tudyk]

Yes. One guy ran me right over. Like, he. I come. I was coming up to him and he had the ball and he just knocked the ball around me, kicked the ball around me, and then just ran right. And this guy from Mexico ran right over me. And I loved it. I thought that was great. I'm like, yes, we're in it now. This is. This is it. We're doing it. And he was trying to teach me a lesson, like, you better watch your ass.

[Jade Catapretta]

And for me, I'm like, more and more aggressive.

[Alan Tudyk]

And you're like, I thought it was great. Cause it was fun to tackle. And that's part of the thing.

[Jameela Jamil]

Bit of manly bonding.

[Alan Tudyk]

Yeah, that's sport.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, God bless you.

[Alan Tudyk]

Then I had the ball. This is when I realized things were not good. I had the ball and somebody steals it from me. It's my player. It's the nice guy everybody's talking about. The nice guy from Jamaica, who's so very nice. He was not so nice to me. He was stealing the ball from me because he knew I was terrible. A, I was gonna ruin every opportunity that I could possibly be given with that ball. Secondly, he didn't want me to have it. I was on my own team. I was the only one on my team. There were two teams. Everybody was against me. I was just there, just existing. They made me the goalie. They got like three goals on me. They made me wear these gloves that stunk. These gloves smelled like something had died and I had to wear that. I just kept getting scored on.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was a terrible fucking nightmare. And also the goalie is such a humiliating high pressure situation. People think it's the easy position. I used to hang around with a lot of boys when I was at primary school. And so because I was too tall to be on any of the girls sports teams, I would be put in the like with the boys. It was a very loosey goosey school at the time. And they would always put me in goal because I was so unathletic and I couldn't run. I would always trip over my legs because I had pigeon feet, which is when Your. Your feet are, like, inverted. Yeah. So they would put me in goal. And there was this one kid, his name's Shay. I still know him now. And he was like. Like a fully grown man by the time he was nine years old. Like, fucking eight pack, like, stacked. Weighed, like, 150 pounds, which is a lot for, like, a kid of that age. But it was all, like, lean muscle. Kicked the goal into my chest, and I went flying into the goal. Broke all of my ribs. Yeah. And in front of the entire school. And he scored, and that was the winning goal.

[Jade Catapretta]

Wait, broke your ribs?

[Jameela Jamil]

Broke my ribs, yeah. I'm very fragile.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, you are.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm very fragile. I'm not built. I'm built for the sheets, not the streets. And yet I'm also bad in bed, which is really quite an achievement.

[Alan Tudyk]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

So I feel you.

[Jade Catapretta]

You're more of a. Like a pool person. Like, you can float in a pool.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no, no, no. Really, just.

[Jade Catapretta]

Just in a bubble, really.

[Jameela Jamil]

Just a sort of an ambulance.

[Jade Catapretta]

Like, look, don't touch.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's where I thrive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Exactly.

[Jade Catapretta]

That's fun.

[Jameela Jamil]

Exactly. Oh, bless you.

[Jade Catapretta]

That's.

[Jameela Jamil]

So there's something quite. It can't feel emasculating because you've been so masculine that you've terrorized all of these men.

[Alan Tudyk]

Right.

[Jade Catapretta]

Well, you went too hard.

[Alan Tudyk]

I realized when it was over how no one wanted to, like, be near me.

[Jameela Jamil]

They go for a drink afterwards, don't they?

[Alan Tudyk]

I do believe they did.

[Jameela Jamil]

They did.

[Jade Catapretta]

Oh, no,

[Alan Tudyk]

I. I was not part of that.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's the whole point, is that it gives them.

[Alan Tudyk]

Oh, you didn't get invited to the

[Jade Catapretta]

afterwards drink of the party, you know, I would love to know also that on top of it, your jersey was, like, something offensive that they all hated, too. They're like. And did you see that jersey on him?

[Gatorade Announcer (repeat)]

They.

[Alan Tudyk]

They actually asked. I remember the guy who had invited me.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah.

[Alan Tudyk]

Asked me, where'd you get those shoes? I said, I bought them. When? Yesterday. He's just shaking his head like. Like, that was something he saw me wearing that he used as, like a. Oh, he knows what he's doing. But, yeah, that. He bought it yesterday.

[Jade Catapretta]

You just wore them fresh?

[Alan Tudyk]

No, gotta get. That's how you get the blisters. You got to get the new shoes and take them out day one for a lot of running.

[Jameela Jamil]

How much into filming was this? Were you filming the film at the time? No. You just become friends?

[Alan Tudyk]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

This was just years after the movie with Dean.

[Alan Tudyk]

Now I haven't seen him since I Haven't.

[Jade Catapretta]

I honestly haven't reconnect.

[Alan Tudyk]

Oh, my God.

[Jade Catapretta]

Please put in a good word.

[Alan Tudyk]

I don't think they're connected, but I. I don't believe I've seen him since.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is so fucking funny. Should we call him now?

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, we should face him.

[Jameela Jamil]

He was in.

[Alan Tudyk]

I may have seen him in. I may have seen him in. No, I think that was the last time. Malibu.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's so funny. I quoted Dean before on this podcast because he once explained that he loves going from California back to England because he says he becomes hotter over the flight. He was like, it feels really good to go from a four to a six just to cross across the Atlantic.

[Jade Catapretta]

You don't even get all the way hot. You just get a six. I like that. Yeah. Going back to Virginia, I'm like. I work out. I feel it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

Well, I'm sorry you went through that.

[Alan Tudyk]

No, it's good. It's good. These. These are the. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I was gonna say, no one's playing any sports with you. Have you. Have you been in any sports team since? Have you done much sporting? Are you an athletic man now?

[Alan Tudyk]

No, no, I. I go. I go jogging.

[Jameela Jamil]

Jogging solo. And do you barge people on the hike? That would be amazing.

[Alan Tudyk]

Yesterday almost did. Well, it was his fault. He was in his phone and there were three of them. They were taking up the whole thing.

[Jade Catapretta]

Oh, I thought you were joking.

[Alan Tudyk]

No, this really did just happen yesterday. They were taking up the whole trail and they were in their phones and I was running.

[Jade Catapretta]

I was like, hey, aren't you hiking for a reason?

[Alan Tudyk]

And I just started clapping back so they would look up, look up, look up. Because I didn't want to stop.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

When you get that momentum, it's really hard to start.

[Alan Tudyk]

Yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

If I stop in the middle of a run, that's it. I'm done.

[Alan Tudyk]

But I didn't barge anybody. I just clapped at them in their face, sort of. No. As I was running towards them, I'm clapping at them to get them to look up.

[Jade Catapretta]

They're all fans. They're like, did you like a steel carriage? Yeah. Yeah.

[Alan Tudyk]

They weren't happy. They weren't happy with me. They didn't take it as a. A nice way to get their attention.

[Jameela Jamil]

At what point, can I just ask quickly, at what point did you realize you did rugby when you should have done football?

[Alan Tudyk]

It was when my players took the ball from me.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right, right, right, right.

[Alan Tudyk]

And because he was also pointed out as the nicest guy that I played. Yes. My playing had made him change fundamentally who he was. He was the worst side of him came out the last.

[Jameela Jamil]

All right.

[Jade Catapretta]

You know when you're like, but you've got me, right? Like, we're still cool and you. We're not still cool. We're done.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you for that story that is gonna haunt me. And I can't wait to call Dean and get the tea behind your back. And then I'm gonna talk about it when you're not here. Expect a phone call this week. I'm gonna make him reach out to you because that's fucking bullying. I'm not having this. But first, we're gonna go to a quick break.

[Gatorade Announcer (repeat)]

Does your day move faster than you can keep up with new Gatorade Lower sugar? My family and I can stay at the top of our game. No artificial flavors, sweeteners, or colors. 75% less sugar and all the electrolytes of regular Gatorade now available nationwide.

[Jerry Insurance Announcer]

Tired of your car insurance rate going up? Even with a clean driving record, you're not alone. That's why there's Jerry, your proactive insurance assistant. Jerry compares rates side by side from over 50 top insurers and helps you switch with ease. Jerry even tracks market rates and alerts you when it's best to shop. No spam calls, no hidden fees. Drivers who save with Jerry could save over $1,300 a year. Switch with confidence. Download the Jerry app or visit Jerry AI Acast today.

[Bill.com Announcer]

Running a business means juggling a lot of moving parts. And when your communication tools can't keep up, things start to slip. Missed calls, slow replies, scattered conversations. They're not just frustrating, they're lost opportunities and revenue left on the table. That's where Quo comes in. Spelled Q, U, O. Quo is the number one rated business phone system on G2, trusted by over 90,000 businesses. One shared business number for calls and texts, so every conversation stays visible, organized and accountable. It works from an app or computer. You can keep your existing number, add teammates, and sync your CRM, letting you scale without adding complexity. And with built in AI, Quo logs calls, summarizes conversations and flags next steps, even after hours. Stop missing customers. Stop leaving revenue on the table. Try Quo Free and get 20% off your first six months at Quo.com TV. That's Qu-Com Tech Quo. No missed calls, no missed customers.

[Jameela Jamil]

And we are back. Okay, so sometimes we have audience stories on this show, but today we don't. I'm going to tell a sort of wrong turn of mine. It's a sort of. It's A mutual wrong turn of a multitude of different people. So my friends are all at the ages where they're trying to get pregnant, have babies, and some of them haven't met the right person that they want to have babies with. And some of them just want to do it alone. And so I don't like children, you know, so I don't want to be involved in their children's lives. And I don't know if it's because of my accent or something, but people think of me as like a fairy godmother type. And so everyone I know that I've got godmother written all the over me. And so in order to exempt myself from that, I pay for people's ivf. So I'm like, you do? I buy them off.

[Alan Tudyk]

That is a lot of.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's shocking. It's already. I know, I know, I know. But that's how badly I don't want to know their child.

[Jade Catapretta]

No, no, no.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm like, I will pay for your, like, ivf.

[Alan Tudyk]

You could buy a roller one.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right? Yeah, I know. No, no, that's not enough. They really want you. They'll think that that's a sign that I'm interested and I care about the child's well being and I don't. It's like, I gave you that baby, now fuck off. Okay, so I'll pay for the IVF or whatever they want done. And then I say in text, I'm like, so now we're good and we can agree that when this baby's born, I won't have to be godmother. And they'll write like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're good. And I'm like, great written fucking confirmation. So I'm really intense about it. One of these times my friend's like, oh, I want to do this kind of sperm donor thing. There's this service where you can like, you know, choose from this amazing selection of brilliant candidates and you can even meet them if you want. And there's an openness to the fact that if you guys both want to be involved in the baby's life, like, it's very progressive, it's European, it's not English, it's kind of. I think it's probably like Swedish or it's Scandinavian in some way, you know, where everyone's just very civilized. So she. So I was like, yeah, yeah, fine, that sounds great. I'm happy to help you facilitate that, provided I don't ever have to be involved or learn your child's name. And so she does it she finds a candidate, they're both going to go to the same clinic. So they're both staying in the same kind of premises beforehand, the night before. And they decide to meet up the day that they're going to deposit and withdraw, I guess. Sorry. Okay, so yeah, so pre basting, they meet up and they get along really well and he's being really sweet and you know, he'd like to be involved as much as she would like. He's like being super respectful. And then they fuck each other, which is not how that's supposed to work. And then they go into the clinic and they baste. They turkey baste on top of the other sperm and then they fuck each other again afterwards. And then of course she gets pregnant because there's been three deposits made and I want my fucking money back.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And they're still dating now.

[Jade Catapretta]

Stop.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's been 18 months.

[Jade Catapretta]

That's crazy.

[Alan Tudyk]

So he's met the baby now.

[Jameela Jamil]

He's met the baby. He's a dad. He's just a dad. I basically paid 5,000 by them so far for the world's most expensive first date. And on the planet.

[Jade Catapretta]

What am I?

[Jameela Jamil]

A shake like, this is insane.

[Jade Catapretta]

Wait, I've never bought anything that expensive for any of my friends. Have you? That's a very nice.

[Alan Tudyk]

A coffin.

[Jameela Jamil]

I both.

[Alan Tudyk]

I'm kidding. Sorry.

[Jade Catapretta]

There's life, there's death. You know, it's a circle of life.

[Alan Tudyk]

Sorry.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay, on that note, let's wrap shit up. Tell everyone where they can find you, you fucking freaks. Jade.

[Jade Catapretta]

Jade Catapretta. I'm gonna. I have some dates in New York in July. I'll be in Alaska in July too. So come, come see some comedy, some music. I'm doing musical comedy now.

[Alan Tudyk]

All right.

[Jade Catapretta]

I'm not gonna do that song, but.

[Jameela Jamil]

And websites and socials. Yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

Aidecata pretta across all boards and onlyfans. I'm unnnybutt.

[Jameela Jamil]

Really?

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Why did you just point at the.

[Jade Catapretta]

Because his kids here and I just got uncomfortable so I just pointed at him.

[Alan Tudyk]

Just. Just fans only.

[Jade Catapretta]

Fans pointed at 19 year old. That's fine.

[Jameela Jamil]

Never mind.

[Jade Catapretta]

He's good. Only fans onlyfans.

[Gatorade Announcer]

Yeah.

[Alan Tudyk]

Isn't that a.

[Jameela Jamil]

A sexy site?

[Alan Tudyk]

A sexy site?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Alan Tudyk]

You do sexy side stuff?

[Jade Catapretta]

I do, yeah. I'm Brazilian. I'm very comfortable with my butt. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

She's hot as well.

[Alan Tudyk]

Wild. How cool.

[Jameela Jamil]

I mean funny, but.

[Alan Tudyk]

So as an older man.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Alan Tudyk]

That's a new thing.

[Jameela Jamil]

What's the new thing?

[Alan Tudyk]

The new thing is that people who are successful like yourself would do that. It used to be when I was growing up, that was something you did until you became successful.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yes, it's the other way around now.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's very much the other way around. People are making like, 4 million a month. Yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

I'm not, like, putting stuff in my butt, but, like, I'll show my soles, you know.

[Alan Tudyk]

Your soles?

[Darina from Quo]

Yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

I have a lot of feet, dudes.

[Alan Tudyk]

Oh, feet. Oh, wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, I have horrible feet. They look like sort of.

[Jade Catapretta]

You would love that.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no, no. I think I'd actually push people over the edge. It'. No, it's Gandalf's exact feet. Like, that's really long. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jade Catapretta]

Really big toes. Howard Hughes vibe, even though the rest of her body is broken.

[Jameela Jamil]

But Yoda feet, like all of the work. It's just. There's not a website for it. I think actually. I think I've managed to actually. On Wikifeet. It's very low. Is it? It's scarily low.

[Jade Catapretta]

Five out of five.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay, well, why don't you go fuck yourself? All right, Jade. And on Funny Butt. What are you doing on Funny Butt?

[Jade Catapretta]

Just mostly honestly, like. Like, I took at first what I did. I archived all my butt photos from Instagram and then just made people pay for it on my only page.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, that's incredible.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah. So I do like funny videos.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you. So in my head, when you first said it, I was imagining Ace Ventura, you know, where he makes his ass cheeks speak, and it's like, do you have some binocca?

[Jade Catapretta]

Wait, I should do that. I have not done that yet.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's what I thought you were doing. And I was like, that's brilliant. That's incredible.

[Jade Catapretta]

If you want to do any voiceover

[Alan Tudyk]

work for your butt.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah. I'd be completely interested.

[Alan Tudyk]

I'll be looking for the audition.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Alan Tudyk]

And Alan, come through my agency.

[Jameela Jamil]

What is your only fans page?

[Alan Tudyk]

I have not started one yet.

[Jade Catapretta]

Oh, you have success in the industry.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's good for you.

[Jade Catapretta]

Well, not all of us, you know.

[Alan Tudyk]

Well, I'm going to be. You can find me at the reservoir. Whenever they open it back up, I'll be jogging around it. I'll be the guy clapping.

[Jameela Jamil]

You could be barged by, Alan, anytime on a hike.

[Alan Tudyk]

I'm on Resident Alien, which is on amazing USA network, which is nice to be on a new network right as USA is hitting its peak. Usa, it was. Well, it's Sci Fi and usa, I think they simulcast it. I don't love the Show.

[Jade Catapretta]

I love Alice Wutherland, too.

[Alan Tudyk]

Oh, yeah. It's sci fi. And then it ends up on Peacock. And eventually on Onlyfans. And eventually on Onlyfans. And I play a robot in Superman. And a robot and. Andor. Yeah. Robots and Aliens.

[Jade Catapretta]

Typecast.

[Alan Tudyk]

That's my. That's my. That's my. That's my niche.

[Jameela Jamil]

Great. And I think. And how many. What's it called, prosthetics do you wear?

[Alan Tudyk]

Oh, in. In Resident Alien, I have a just. It's two pieces. It's like a thing you pull over, and then they paint the mouth part on and stick it there.

[Jameela Jamil]

Tell me that wouldn't fucking fly on Onlyfans if you were to masturbate. But wearing that, you're gonna.

[Alan Tudyk]

Why do I have to get out my junk while she's just showing her feet? I'm, like, jerking off.

[Jade Catapretta]

I'm not doing any actions. No actions.

[Jameela Jamil]

Aesthetics. Okay, yeah, no actions.

[Alan Tudyk]

I get turned off by spirit gum. I don't.

[Jade Catapretta]

We waited for you, by the way. Nobody saved you. We were like, yeah, where are you gonna go with that?

[Alan Tudyk]

The smell of spirit gum just takes it away.

[Jade Catapretta]

Yeah, it's really rough. Prosthetics are really hard to.

[Alan Tudyk]

Yeah, so that would be. That is a nightmare vision.

[Bill.com Announcer]

Please.

[Alan Tudyk]

I apologize, everyone.

[Jade Catapretta]

This is why only six people. The kiss. You know what? She takes it too far. She takes it too far.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm obsessed with both of you. Thank you so much for coming and telling me your stories. Everyone go and find them. And thank you for your Wrong Turns. Anything else gets fucked up, come back.

[Alan Tudyk]

Oh, man.

[Jade Catapretta]

Oh, well, we're knocking on the door tonight.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yay. Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil, and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own wrong turns. All you have to do is email personal disasterstoriesmail.com don't forget to subscribe. Like, review wherever you get your podcasts. And I have a substack. It's called a low Desire to Please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now. Bye.

[Gatorade Announcer (repeat)]

Does your day move faster than you can keep up with new Gatorade lower sugar? My family and I can stay at the top of our game. No artificial flavors, sweeteners, or colors, except 75% less sugar and all the electrolytes of regular Gatorade. Now available nationwide.

[Bill.com Announcer]

Over 90 of the top 100 US accounting firms trust Bill to handle bill pay processes. Why? Because our tools are built on over a trillion dollars of secure payments. We're not just moving money, we're powering financial workflows for half a million customers. That's a level of expertise you just can't fake. Ready to talk with an expert? Visit bill.comproven to get started and grab a $250 gift card as a thank you. Terms and conditions apply. See Offer page for details.