Ali Macofsy and Rachel Scanlon

Summary

Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil – Episode Featuring Ali Makovsky and Rachel Scanlon

Episode Overview In this engaging episode of Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil, host Jameela Jamil welcomes comedians Ali Makovsky and Rachel Scanlon to share their most mortifying and embarrassing stories. As the podcast's tagline suggests, there are no morals or silver linings—just a candid revelry in each other's misfortunes. The conversation delves into personal anecdotes involving awkward medical experiences, social mishaps, and the humorous repercussions of life's unexpected detours.

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Opening Banter and Shared Embarrassments (00:01:05 – 05:58)

The episode kicks off with Jameela introducing her guests—Ali Makovsky, a comedian who has appeared on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert and Comedy Central, and Rachel Scanlon, co-host of the nationally touring show Two Dykes and a Mic.

Embarrassing Bathroom Habits

• The trio quickly dives into a humorous discussion about holding in bowel movements, highlighting the awkwardness and adrenaline rush associated with such moments.

  • Rachel Scanlon shares her experience of not pooping for two weeks due to fear while having acrylic nails, humorously describing herself as having "strong sphincters" similar to Dwayne Johnson's.

    Rachel Scanlon (04:35): "I didn't prep this one, but I just got a pap smear yesterday... And I had acrylic nails put on, which I'd never had ever in my life."

• Ali Makovsky reflects on her tendency to hold in poops for the thrill of it, equating it to feeling in control.

  Ali Makovsky (02:11): "I like the adrenaline of like needing to go."

Awkward Medical Visits

• The conversation shifts to awkward encounters during medical procedures, particularly pap smears, where both Ali and Rachel express discomfort and embarrassment.

  • Rachel Scanlon recounts feeling humiliated during her pap smear, primarily because her wife had the same doctor, leading to an awkward comparison.

    Rachel Scanlon (04:35): "I think it's because my wife and I had the same person do it."

  • Jameela Jamil shares her own dreadful experience with pap smears, humorously exaggerating the situation to the point of needing medical staff to restrain her.

    Jameela Jamil (03:53): "...I have to be held down by four medical members of staff and given laughing gas..."

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Micro Humiliations and Personal Misfortunes (08:05 – 21:14)

Ali’s Eyebrow Incident

• Ali Makovsky narrates a story about seeking a deal with celebrity eyebrow specialists to enhance her thick eyebrows, only to end up paying a hefty price ($300) for minimal results—a classic case of expectation vs. reality.

  Ali Makovsky (08:12): "When it's time to pay, I believe it cost me roughly $300... And I look so sad in the after photo."

• The outcome leaves Ali not only embarrassed but also financially strained, highlighting the pitfalls of chasing celebrity-endorsed beauty treatments without clear agreements.

Rachel’s Chiropractic Fiasco

• Rachel Scanlon discusses her unfortunate experience with chiropractic care in Los Angeles, where instead of receiving help for her back pain, she ends up feeling uncomfortable and objectified by an overly attractive practitioner.

  Rachel Scanlon (12:09): "...she was like, I'm just gonna pull your shorts a little bit down... And my bush is super red..."

• The story underscores the awkwardness and vulnerabilities one can encounter in professional healthcare settings, especially when personal boundaries are unintentionally crossed.

Listener Misery: The Golden Girls Incident (21:14 – 25:50)

• Jameela shares a listener-submitted story about a college dorm mishap involving unintended exposure while engaging in private activities, leading to long-term embarrassment as friends humorously recall the incident through song lyrics.

  Host (24:35): "Every time I pass any of the three men on campus, they sing the theme song. Thank you for being a friend..."

• This anecdote resonates with the podcast's theme of turning personal disasters into shared humor, emphasizing that such embarrassing moments are universally relatable.

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Big Wrong Turns: Ali’s Car Accident and Rachel’s Therapy Gone Awry (23:21 – 44:45)

Ali’s Drunken Drive and Car Accident (23:21 – 31:59)

• Ali Makovsky recounts a harrowing experience of driving under the influence, motivated by a night out with Australian tourists from the Comedy Store. Her attempt to impress leads to a devastating car accident where she spins out, deploying airbags and ultimately totaling her brand-new Honda Fit after just four days of ownership.

  Ali Makovsky (23:21): "...I make this big U turn to get to this parking space and I see that there is a car coming from behind me... I make this U turn, I get T-boned, my car spins out on Fairfax."

• Despite the traumatic event, Ali maintains her humorous perspective by joking about being "dick drunk" and the absurdity of the situation, eventually leading to sobering personal growth, including getting sober and avoiding cars for two years.

  Ali Makovsky (31:54): "It felt the same... It should be called a dud. Like driving under a dick."

Rachel’s Therapy Catastrophe with Grapes (34:05 – 44:45)

• Rachel Scanlon shares her bizarre experience with online therapy during the pandemic, where her session morphs into an awkward mindfulness exercise involving eating grapes. Her attempt to impress her therapist leads to an uncomfortable display of overeating grapes, blurring professional boundaries.

  Rachel Scanlon (37:14): "She tells me to go to my fridge and bring a bowl of grapes... I start chugging grapes to be like, look how many grapes I can eat."

• The story highlights the pitfalls of unstructured online therapy sessions where professional conduct may be compromised, resulting in personal humiliation and a distorted perception of therapeutic relationships.

  Rachel Scanlon (43:42): "Is being mindful like a performance of gratitude? Like, I don't know what it is."

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Closing Listener Story and Final Remarks (44:45 – End)

Final Listener Submission: College Dorm Mishap

• The host concludes with another listener story about a college dorm incident where a private moment is unexpectedly witnessed by friends, leading to ongoing teasing and embarrassment.

  Host (44:00): "I'm in college and last fall I was in my dorm room... Three of my friends are staring at me."

• The story serves as a final testament to the podcast's mission—showcasing that everyone experiences embarrassing wrong turns, reinforcing the message that listeners are not alone in their misfortunes.

Guest Promotions and Sign-Off

• As the episode wraps up, Ali and Rachel promote their respective projects, providing listeners with avenues to follow their comedic journeys.

  Ali Makovsky (49:07): "You can go to alanmakofsky.com to see where I'm performing."

  Rachel Scanlon (49:14): "I'm Rachel Scanlon comedy. My podcast is Two Dykes and a Mic and I'll be touring my solo standup in the summer."

• Jameela Jamil encourages listeners to share their own "Wrong Turns" by emailing personal disaster stories, fostering a community of shared experiences and laughter.

  Jameela Jamil (50:08): "You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong turns. All you have to do is email [e-mail]."

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Conclusion

This episode of Wrong Turns masterfully blends humor with real-life embarrassments, offering listeners a space to laugh at and relate to the missteps that everyone inevitably encounters. Through the candid and often hilarious stories shared by Ali Makovsky and Rachel Scanlon, Jameela Jamil reinforces the podcast's core message: no one is immune to life's awkward detours, and sometimes the best way to cope is to laugh together.

Notable Quotes:

• Rachel Scanlon (04:35): "I couldn't figure out why. I think it's because my wife and I had the same person do it."
• Ali Makovsky (08:12): "When it's time to pay, I believe it cost me roughly $300... And I look so sad in the after photo."
• Jameela Jamil (03:53): "...I have to be held down by four medical members of staff and given laughing gas..."
• Ali Makovsky (31:54): "It felt the same... It should be called a dud. Like driving under a dick."
• Rachel Scanlon (37:14): "She tells me to go to my fridge and bring a bowl of grapes... I start chugging grapes to be like, look how many grapes I can eat."

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Connect with Wrong Turns:

• Share your own embarrassing stories for a chance to be featured by emailing [e-mail].
• Follow Wrong Turns on YouTube for full video episodes.
• Subscribe, like, and review the podcast on your preferred platform to stay updated with more hilarious misadventures.

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Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil continues to provide a relatable and humor-filled refuge for anyone navigating the tumultuous paths of life, proving that sometimes, laughing at our wrong turns is the best way forward.

Transcript

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[Host]

Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is a podcast that celebrates misery and clusterfuck. And those are the stories I want to hear. We're sick of inspiration and so I invite my favorite funny people on every week to tell me their stories of abject misery. And joining me today, we have a comedian who's performed on the Late show with Stephen Colbert and Comedy Central. She's currently on tour around the country. It's Ali Makovsky.

[Ali Makovsky]

Hello. Hi.

[Host]

And we also have a comedian from Comedy Central and just for last festival, she's the co host of the podcast nationally touring show two Dykes and a Mic. It's Rachel Scanlon.

[Ali Makovsky]

Hello.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Hi.

[Host]

Hi. How are you both?

[Ali Makovsky]

Great.

[Rachel Scanlon]

So good. I just chugged a dense bean salad in my car. I'm feeling energized.

[Host]

Okay, cool, cool, cool. How energized is your bum hole right now? Are we safe?

[Rachel Scanlon]

We're safe. We're safe. We got a good window in time.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Do you have a strong sphincter? Yeah, 100%.

[Ali Makovsky]

Me too. I love. I kind of hold poop sometimes. Sorry to start off so like.

[Host]

No, no, no, that's fine.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Wait.

[Ali Makovsky]

But I really enjoy holding in poops.

[Host]

Wait, for how o. Sorry.

[Ali Makovsky]

Not like crazy, not like days on end. It fee. I like.

[Host]

Is that power? Like, is it.

[Ali Makovsky]

I think.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Is it control?

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah, probably. I've never actually thought that much into it, but I think I. I like when it. When I hold it long enough to where I. I need to find. I like the adrenaline of like needing to go.

[Host]

But also, does it mean. Is it because you're quicker then when you Go. So you're not sitting there for ages because I'm a poo ninja, right? No one ever knows I've been in the vicinity. It's insane. So I wait until I'm absolutely desperate. So I know it's gonna be. It's quicker than a week. You know, it's just like, I'm in, I'm out. No one has ever caught me. I mean, I did one time shit on the street, which we've talked about on this podcast. That's different. That was an emergency. I need to know which was I of that like. It is. It is. Very much so. My bathroom, I had acrylic nails put on, which I'd never had ever in my life. I've never. I've always had short nails. I had them on for a movie and I didn't poo for two weeks because I was too scared. I was like, how are you supposed to do this? So if you want to talk about strong sphincters, I have Dwayne Johnson back here.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah.

[Host]

Wow. It's insane because I was just too scared. So I was just like. I just stopped eating fiber. I was just eating sugar only because it digests pretty much in the mouth. And I was like, I'm not gonna. The second they were on, I was like, there's no. There's no safe or hygienic way to poo in these. Like, how am I not gonna, like, slice myself up? You wrap it.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah, wrap it around your hand. Also, if you just hold it with the fingernails, like in the tissue paper. You're good, you're good.

[Host]

I'm not ready for the conversation. I think you found my line.

[Ali Makovsky]

Okay.

[Host]

But, yeah, I just. Anyway, I wish I'd met you back then. I didn't want to wrap it. I was like, it felt very, very dangerous. Anytime either of you had a Catwoman ever. Shit.

[Ali Makovsky]

Anytime either of you have any poo related.

[Host]

Great.

[Ali Makovsky]

I'm. I'm the girl.

[Host]

And this is extended to the audience as well. You know where to find her.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah, yeah.

[Host]

So when it comes to general, you know, disaster cluster fuckery, is it something that finds you often or rarely and impactfully?

[Rachel Scanlon]

I feel like I'm a very lucky person where I see other people around me being embarrassed a lot and I think I'm not. I think that's because if you're deciding that you're going to spend your life trying to be a stand up comedian and doing comedy and move away from your hometown, everyone's gonna be like, that's humiliating. And I think you just have to be like. I'm like, less cringe, but you're free. Exactly. There's, like, a lot of things. Mishap. Although. And this isn't like. And we can. I didn't prep this one, but I just got a pap smear yesterday.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And I, for the first time, was humiliated doing it. And I was talking to my wife. I couldn't figure out why. I think it's because my wife and I had the same person do it.

[Ali Makovsky]

Why would that be?

[Host]

Do you get competitive about your vaginas?

[Rachel Scanlon]

No. I think it's because the doctor was cool.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And I think they're typically older and, like, I. Not even on my radar.

[Ali Makovsky]

You're, like, a little bit nervous. You're, like, doing Kegels mid pap smear. To be like, still.

[Host]

Still tight as a whistle is like. Is it going to fit? Right?

[Ali Makovsky]

Like, they're like. Literally, they're like, trust me, we can make anything fit.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Sorry. Do you need to get a second pair of hands near to crack me open?

[Ali Makovsky]

Is there a smaller Q tip you need to use?

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah. Like, I think I've never had somebody cool.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

That gives me a cap like that. Right, right, right, right thing. And I don't know why I was sweating ev. All over my body.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And this is something that I'm not used to happening to me. And I remember all night last night during dinner, I was like, why was I humiliated? We were talking about. I'm like, was she hot? Of course she was hot.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Like, is it. What is it? Is that just smart? Of course she's smart. Like, what is it? And I think it was because she was cool.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And I don't think that doctors who do that are allowed to be cool.

[Host]

I'm so bad during a pap that I have to be held down by four, like, medical members of staff and given laughing gas and to be, like, part sedated for it.

[Ali Makovsky]

Why? Because you're, like, kicking your legs.

[Host]

I'm like, honestly, did you ever have the game Buckaroo?

[Ali Makovsky]

No.

[Host]

In America, it's a horse that just keeps kicking its legs up and you're trying to throw a thing on it. Not a real horse. I'm not a monster. It's just a little board game. But I. Yeah. I just can't. I can't handle it. I can't stand it. I just. It's the weakest I'll ever be. Is in a Paps movie.

[Rachel Scanlon]

It is barbariz.

[Host]

It's totally barbaric. And I was like, something carnal kicks in and me. And I turn into just sort of like. It's like, I volunteered for this. I've spent a lot of money on it. I've come here with consent. And then I make them feel like they're doing, like, unconsensual experiments on me. Aliens. Yeah. It's just.

[Ali Makovsky]

I know. My knees are just, like, so close together. They're like, just open up. I'm like, yeah.

[Host]

It just feels. It feels crazy.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yes.

[Host]

Do you have male gynecologists?

[Rachel Scanlon]

No, you, kid.

[Host]

Is there anything that is a bigger red flag on this fucking Earth than a male gynecologist? I refuse.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Host]

I don't think it should be allowed.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I'd rather have an animal do it.

[Host]

Yeah. Than a man. I think I'd rather have an animal do it than a woman. I like. I would just generally opt for an animal.

[Rachel Scanlon]

As long as the animal's not cooler than me.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Not a panther, not a cheetah, but, like, something stupid like a chicken. Fine.

[Host]

Is there a way in which you felt like your vagina could have been cooler?

[Rachel Scanlon]

Did you have, like, for sure if that was. You have.

[Host]

Did you have, like, vaginal regret, like, afterwards being like. I wish, like, you know, like.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Vaginal regret is a great thing to write about because I think is a phrase in general. Definitely something I would sink my teeth into. Yeah, I did. This was not a planned path, but.

[Ali Makovsky]

I feel like once you're doing a physical, they're like, you might as well just do it all while you're here.

[Rachel Scanlon]

But I didn't. I've never had comprehensive healthcare a lot. I didn't know this was an option.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Host]

So this.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I was having a physical and they're like, do you want to just pop the hood?

[Ali Makovsky]

Literally anytime I go to the doctor, I just assume something will end up in my vagina. Like, I'm mentally prepared. It could be like, the foot doctor. And I'm like, maybe they need to do a crap. Like, I'm just constantly ready for someone to ask to put something in my vagina.

[Host]

Dental client.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah. I'm like, how's it looking?

[Host]

Jesus Christ. Do you. So wait, so do you guys have exactly examples of little micro humiliations that you face in life?

[Ali Makovsky]

There's one that comes to mind because me and my sisters think about it often. So I have two older sisters. I'm one of three. And we all have giant thick eyebrows up here. Massive eyebrows.

[Host]

Love them.

[Ali Makovsky]

And so there There was a time a couple years ago where there were these three sisters who were, like, eyebrow specialists, and they were getting really popular because they were doing celebrity eyebrows. And so my sisters, they're older, they want to help me out. They're like, allie, you're a struggling comedian. You're living in Los Angeles. Why don't you reach out to these sisters and tell them your story? You're one of three sisters. You have thick eyebrows. Maybe you can work out a deal. They can do your eyebrows and get, like, this amazing before and after. And, you know, you can walk away with, like, this fun experience of having these, like, celeb eyebrow girls do your eyebrows. So I'm like, okay, and do you.

[Host]

Have an idea of ways in which you wanted your eyebrows to change?

[Ali Makovsky]

No, nothing. No change. They just specialized in, like, thick eyebrows and cleaning them up. Okay, so no major change.

[Host]

Just like, just having justify.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah, exactly. Just a little freshen up.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And.

[Ali Makovsky]

And so I reach out to. To the sisters and I tell them my story. I'm 21, I live in LA, I'm a comedian, I have giant eyebrows. And if you guys need someone, need a model per chance to, you know, show off your work, I think I'm a candidate. They don't reply. So then I hit up each sister individually. So one of the sisters gets back to me and she's like, yeah, girls, send me photos of your eyebrows. Like, let's do this. Can you come model for me next week? I'm like, okay, well, I'm in New York right now, but maybe we could, like, work out a deal. And so she's like, yeah, totally, we'll work out a deal. Just remind me when you get there. So I make the appointment. I message her, I made an appointment. I'll see you. And then day of appointment, I message her, see you today. And I'm getting my eyebrows done. She tweezes, maybe five hairs. Maybe five hairs have been tweezed. I go to pay, and I'm like, surely we've worked out this deal. I can't wait to find out what the deal is.

[Host]

Have they been filming all of this?

[Ali Makovsky]

No, they just took a before and after.

[Host]

Right, okay.

[Ali Makovsky]

And so when it's time to pay, I believe it cost me roughly $300.

[Host]

Is that. Wait, is that how much it costs to get eyebrows done?

[Ali Makovsky]

I don't know.

[Rachel Scanlon]

It can't be for five plus.

[Ali Makovsky]

I mean, honestly, at this point in my life, I don't know the exact number. It could have been $100. All I know Is I had half of the money it cost in my bank account at the time. So now I have to. Oh, one second, I go outside, I call my sisters, I'm on the verge of tears. I'm like, you guys need to send me money. I went to those fucking sisters you told me to go to and there's no deal to speak of. And so I'm like, please just send me money. So they send me money, I pay, and I have the before and after photo. And I look so sa in the after photo. I couldn't have looked more.

[Host]

That is probably how much it costs. Especially if they're like sort of doing celebrities. They're getting big online. What a bunch of bastards.

[Ali Makovsky]

My eyes before, I'm so. I'm like, my life is about to be changed. I'm seeing this celebrity eyebrow specialist and so my eyes are just like full of life. And then the after, I'm literally just death stare.

[Host]

Oh. Oh, so pretty.

[Ali Makovsky]

There's zero change in the eyebrows.

[Rachel Scanlon]

The eyebrows are 100%.

[Host]

You say you look sad to me. It's. This is why I'm a 14 year old boy. It's like, I'm looking at this and it's fuck me eyes. It's lovely. Like, this is what I'm reading. This is. That was me.

[Ali Makovsky]

I'm like, yeah, this is.

[Host]

But you're hot when you're pissed.

[Ali Makovsky]

Thank you.

[Host]

Yeah. Oh, that's. There is no difference. Zero difference in these eyebrows. I can see the exact five hairs that they plucked.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah. Bullshit.

[Host]

Oh, my God.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Host]

And what about you? Any micro humiliation stories?

[Rachel Scanlon]

I have a micro humiliation where I. I was recently over training because I run too much. I'm sober, so I run too much. Ran so much I had to go to a chiropractor. But I can't figure out like how healthcare works.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Because it's confusing. So I went to a place in LA that is like, we don't do healthcare.

[Host]

I mean, this one's popping her pussy out everywhere she goes. I mean, neither of you know.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Exactly. None of us actually know how to get healthcare. We're just taking our pussies out at the dentist being like, can you help me?

[Ali Makovsky]

Is this cover? Can you help me say to my boyfriend after we have sex, I'm like, is there a copay?

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah, there's so many animals in the back that do like lollipop. I have no idea how to do anything. But there's a place, there's basically this place in LA that is very, very. It's completely out of pocket. The lighting was really good. It was very expensive. And they were gonna help me. I had a really bad lower back pain and they were going to give me some type of like a myo fascial release. And I think that I'm saying that right.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Where it's like. It's chiropractic, which is already kind of like a weird, like, pseudo science scene. Very scary.

[Host]

All the, like, cracking. I love Cairo scares.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Do you love it?

[Ali Makovsky]

Oh, I love Cairo.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I can't. It's so scary.

[Host]

Too much of a for it.

[Rachel Scanlon]

For sure.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Imagine that. Cracking. People get off on it.

[Ali Makovsky]

I love it.

[Host]

See this one?

[Rachel Scanlon]

This is not right. Okay. So I was like, I was desperate to get back pain relief. I go to the place that is myofascial release, which sounds erotic. It doesn't matter. I go into a dark room and they like, nurse, like, woman, who, for the record, was very hot. A 10. She was like a model.

[Host]

Why do you get the hottest health care? I get the ugliest healthcare practitioners ever.

[Rachel Scanlon]

You gotta get worse healthcare.

[Host]

I need to follow you. Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I don't know why they're always so. And I get. I'm like, I. Sometimes when I'm nervous, I will flirt. And that's something that I like, I work on. Like, I don't want to always just be at the dentist being like, how about next time I put my fingers in your mouth? Like, I'm working on it.

[Ali Makovsky]

Okay, I'm gonna use that.

[Rachel Scanlon]

It's good.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

They don't like it, but it's good for it Feels good to say. And I'm trying to, like, be better. Like, trying to just be more chill at doctor's offices and.

[Host]

Is that the Kyrang around harassing everyone?

[Rachel Scanlon]

Right. Just like, can I get a picture with you guys later? Like, I'm weird, like, too much. And she came in and she was helping me. She was like, I'm going to be doing your myofascial release. And so I was already in just a sports bra and, like biker shorts. It's like tight, you know, spandex.

[Ali Makovsky]

Do you have this feeling. Sorry, no, please interrupt. That everyone kind of wants to fudge you for sure. Okay.

[Host]

Do you also.

[Ali Makovsky]

Well, I was just thinking, like, when you were saying you were in the sports bra on the shorts, like, like, if I get a correction at like pilates or yoga, I'm like, it's not because my posture is bad. It's because they're simply in love with me and they want to touch me 100%.

[Host]

I'm the opposite. You have to be. Guide me to. For me to have an inkling that you're interested.

[Ali Makovsky]

Interesting.

[Host]

It's crazy. It's a. I'm a crazy girl.

[Ali Makovsky]

I feel like mine's the opposite. As soon as they're inside, I'm like, they could care less about me. They don't give a No.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I do assume any type of eye contact or attention. I'm like, these chiropractors want to me. Okay, so she's doing this thing. I'm in my sports bra. Maybe my. Whatever. We're doing, like, it's not an adjustment, but it's some type of a. It feels like a massage. Yeah. But, like, too hard and no lube. At the very beginning, she flips me over. Okay? So I'm already like, okay, flip me over. Okay. Right. I'm belly up, and we all know my back hurts, not my front.

[Host]

I just love the idea that you're always waiting to be kissed for sure.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah.

[Host]

Are we going to kiss?

[Rachel Scanlon]

1000%. This is how I feel. I mean, I can really barely look at people in the eyes for too long.

[Host]

Are we safe right now? Am I giving you any signals?

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yes. Why do you think they put me over here? I'm worried about everyone.

[Ali Makovsky]

You guys.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Everybody stop looking at me for good.

[Host]

It must be so stressful.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Stressful. When everybody wants to smooch me. Please. We're at work, you guys.

[Host]

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I apologize.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I accept your apology with a kiss. Okay, so she flips me over pretty early into this, like, chiropractic thing, and she's like, I'm just gonna pull your shorts a little bit down. I said, okay, obviously, we know where this is going, right? She pulls my shorts down just enough to have my entire bush out.

[Ali Makovsky]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Why? Why did she pull them down that fast, you guys?

[Host]

What's going on?

[Rachel Scanlon]

It's for my back. It's for my low.

[Ali Makovsky]

It's crazy.

[Rachel Scanlon]

My bush is the opposite of my back, you guys.

[Host]

So crazy. I'm like, all right, well, no need to brag, okay? Some of us haven't been preened.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Like, listen, I'm not a doctor, but I know anatomically, I don't need to be.

[Host]

No tits up right now. Pussy out.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And I didn't know you guys, like. And this is where I started to be like, what did I do to make this happen? Because it just stayed out the whole time, and I wasn't sure if that was part of it or not.

[Ali Makovsky]

Was she even, like, doing anything, or you're just laying their bush out? And she's like, all right, just chill for a couple minutes.

[Host]

I've now flipped, and I think actually, everyone does want to fuck you.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Okay. Thank you for saying it, because I agree.

[Host]

Crazy.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Why.

[Host]

Why is your vagina out in this situation for more than even a second? I could understand an accidental. Your shorts are tight. They get attached to your, you know, underpants. And there's like, oh, sorry.

[Rachel Scanlon]

For sure.

[Host]

Leaving it out to air is crazy.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I'm catching wind.

[Ali Makovsky]

I was like, there's a breeze on the bush.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I like. And I didn't. And. Because I think. I'm assuming.

[Host]

But also, your face has changed color, so I can see, like, right now. I was traumatized. Mortified.

[Ali Makovsky]

So did you ever go back onto your.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Like, I went back, bush out, flipped back, bush still out.

[Ali Makovsky]

So bush on table on bush on.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Table, bush on wind. I'm standing. I'm like, they're moving my legs around. And at one point, I felt like I should have said something, you guys. Right? Do you think I should have said something? Would you guys have said something?

[Ali Makovsky]

No, I wouldn't have said something.

[Rachel Scanlon]

No, you would have just let them be like, they're a professional again.

[Host]

You two soul mates. I would have said something. 100. I mean, I pulled it back up.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I would have.

[Host]

I would have pulled that shit back up. I almost died of, like, I had, like, a weird heart incident a few months ago, and I was supposed to call an ambulance, and I. My knickers were around my ankles. Cause it had happened while I was on the bathroom. Like, what am I, Elvis? So I was on the toilet, and then I, like, passed out, and I was on the floor, and I was, like, sort of just coming to. And I wanted to call for help, but I also was like, I'm not gonna call up until I put my vagina away. I was like, I'm not having anyone find me like this in case I die. I was like, this is. And I think it's what kept me alive is. I think what stopped me from dying is the will to put my underpants back on. I was like, I haven't seen my boyfriend in a month. This shit's a mess. Like, I just. I. This can't be how I go out. So I'm very. I'm so vaginally shy and stingy. I'm vaginally stingy.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Interesting.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Stingy with the vag.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Ali Makovsky]

Do you guys ever go to, like, a. Like, a spa?

[Rachel Scanlon]

Wow.

[Ali Makovsky]

I'm very free with veg.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I feel like I'm pushed forward, typically. And love forward.

[Advertiser]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I mean, when it was.

[Host]

But I think we're seeing an American and English divide right now. I think that's what's happening.

[Rachel Scanlon]

For sure, for sure, for sure, for sure. Also, when my bush was out, it is super red, so it is, like, unavoidable.

[Host]

Yeah. Would you say it's more red than your head hair?

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yes.

[Host]

So you've got, like, red Sheeran down there.

[Ali Makovsky]

Red.

[Host]

She's it.

[Ali Makovsky]

You have to say 10, 1000%.

[Rachel Scanlon]

That's exactly what I have down here. It's like, you know. Yeah, yeah, it's exactly. It's exactly. It's like Clifford the Big Red Bush.

[Host]

Yeah. I'm imagining Ronald McDonald was just like.

[Rachel Scanlon]

It looks like Reba McIntyre.

[Host]

That's so intense and mad. You just described my living medical nightmare. I am the medical menace in all of my medical situations. I'm the problem.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I.

[Host]

Whenever I go under general and my boyfriend and my. I live with my male friends, and whenever they come to pick me up, because I'm 5 11, I'm heavy. Like, hasn't. Like, I've. It takes a lot to, like, carry me out of there. And whenever they're taking me out there, I've done this multiple times. I've told people in the waiting room that I have no idea who these men are. And I absolutely do know who they are.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah.

[Host]

But I have no recollection of doing this afterwards, which means on my subconscious, I'm a cunt who's trying to get them in trouble. And so people have intervened before when my boyfriend and my best friend are trying to carry me out where I'm just going, I don't know these men. I don't know these men. Yeah, no, no, I'm not putting on the slur. I've got a slur naturally. Cut it. And it's like. It's normally a dental thing. And then my boyfriend will be like, no, this is my girlfriend. I don't know him. He's lying. It's so horrific to know that this is deep in my conscious. Like, that's who I really am, is a menace. I'm a menace. And, like, I've almost gotten them into major trouble. Like, we've almost not been able to get home. And they're so mad at me when I come to because I've just put them through hell.

[Ali Makovsky]

But I think it's so fun for the people in that waiting room because then they get to feel like they witnessed something like. Yeah, like they get to have a good story where typically they might not have any good stories to share.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Right.

[Ali Makovsky]

And you're providing them with such great fodder for listening.

[Host]

Optimist. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna call you throughout all of these scenarios. All right, we're gonna go do a quick break before we get into everyone's big stories.

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[Rachel Scanlon]

And when.

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[Host]

And we're back. Okay, so, Ali, tell me, what is your big wrong turn?

[Ali Makovsky]

Okay, so this is like literally a wrong turn. I. I was at the Comedy Store. Once again, I'm a young comic. A lot of my worst stories are from being like a young. A young lady. So I'm at the Comedy Store. I'm hanging out, and famously, a lot of tourists go to the Comedy Store. Specifically Australians. They're like bedbugs. They just kind of pop up. They're in groups.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Ali Makovsky]

And they're. They're usually a little bit dirty. They're a little bit. They smell like. They're just. They're always around and they want to have too much fun.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Right.

[Ali Makovsky]

They don't know how to not have fun.

[Host]

They're a riot.

[Ali Makovsky]

They're a riot. Yeah. And so I'm like this young girl at the Comedy Store and I have like this crazy long purple hair that I think looks really good. And now looking back at photos, it's very bad. But I'm like, all these Australian guys want to me and, you know, I want to them and so I'm really chatting them up. I'm like, so, are you guys staying? Like, what are we getting into tonight? And they're like, oh, we're at the Banana Bungalow Hostel. And I'm like, I've already been there before with another, you know, with another lover. So I know exactly how to get there. And I'll see you later tonight. And so later that night, I am on my way to the Banana Bungalow to meet up with these men and I had just bought a brand new car with my own money. Honda Fit. I was feeling good. Oh. So I'm in this brand new Honda Fit. I'm driving down Fairfax and there's the perfect parking spot right in front of the Banana Bungalow Hostel. I hate parking far away. I hate walking. But surely God wants me to sleep with these Australian men.

[Host]

Yeah. But also, that's going to be your exercise for the night, you know?

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah. Yes. Optimist.

[Host]

Were you planning on both or was there one?

[Ali Makovsky]

I would have done whatever.

[Host]

Right, okay, cool.

[Ali Makovsky]

You know, I would have done whatever. So I make this big U turn to get to this parking space and I see that there is a car coming from behind me, but they seem pretty far. So I have enough time to make the U turn. They'll see me. They'll be able to slow down. I flipped this U turn. I was wrong. I've only had this car for four days. Oh, I don't know the depth perception. And I am. I have blinders on just for this Australian dick. So I make this U turn, I get T boned, my car spins out on Fairfax.

[Host]

Oh, my God.

[Ali Makovsky]

Airbags go off, people start running towards the car. You know, big accident.

[Host]

Yeah. Also, what does it feel like when an airbag hits you?

[Ali Makovsky]

It's like, eee. Like movie style. Like movies have it, right? It's like you hear that high pitched, like screeching ringing in your ears.

[Host]

Okay. Does it like smash you in the face?

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah, smashes. Smashes in the face. But you don't like. There's no real recollection of any of that pain because it's kind of like adrenaline is kicking in and you don't really know what's happening. And you're like, okay, I'm alive. My car is fully totaled. And so the paramedics come. I can't get out of my car. Cause the door won't open.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Ali Makovsky]

And so I'm just kind of stuck in this car. People are like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, totally. Like, are the guys in?

[Host]

Yeah, the guys there.

[Ali Makovsky]

Just make sure they don't come out here yet. I'm not ready. So the paramedics come, they pull me out of the car. I'm like, you know, looking at myself and I have this giant welt on my forehead from the airbag. Like, here, Huge, big welt. And they're like, well, you need someone to pick you up. Or like you need to call someone to let them know you're okay and what happened? So I call my sister because the paramedics are just like standing there and I'm like, hey, girl. So just got in a little, little bit of an accident, but everything's all good. Nothing to worry about. She's like, okay, I'm gonna pick you up. This doesn't sound good. The paramedics are with you. Like, I'm gonna pick you up. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm meeting up with friends right now. So like, no need to pick me up at all. Like, I was dead. Yes. With a giant welt. I was still in the mindset of like, no, I gotta see this through.

[Host]

And was this a concussion or is this like your general nature of like, I'll fuck through anything?

[Ali Makovsky]

That's a good question. I think when I'm motivated to do something, I will push through. I don't think it's about the sex. I think it's about like, I promise I've made. Yes, I have this idea of what my night's gonna look like and I need to follow through with that. And so I honestly have no real recollection of what happened after that point. So I would assume that I was picked up and brought home or I was gang banged by it.

[Host]

Oh, oh my God.

[Ali Makovsky]

Wait, but I just remembered. Oh, okay. So I did end up going home. Whether my sister picked me up or not, I don't remember. But I didn't see the guys and I went home and when I got home, I messaged the guys being like, so sorry I didn't show up. Like, something came up my forehead. Yeah, something came up. My forehead's huge. And yeah, it turned out they were. There were two Banana bungalows. And I wasn't even at the correct one that they were at way. Yeah. So this could have all been avoided, potentially avoided. Had I gone to the correct banana bungalow.

[Rachel Scanlon]

The other one could have been on the right side of the road.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah, well, it would have been. It was Hollywood Boulevard and I would have been going the correct way and it also would have been close to my house.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Oh, my God.

[Host]

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry to hear that. What a crazy way to get cock blocked by the universe.

[Ali Makovsky]

I know. And my brand new car.

[Host]

And your brand new car. And your purple hair. Yeah. Sad.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah, Sad for that girl.

[Host]

Did you ever try and hook up with them again or was the moment sort of passed?

[Ali Makovsky]

I think the moment had passed. And I knew that surely by, like being around the Comedy Store that more Australians would arise, you know.

[Host]

How old were you at the time?

[Ali Makovsky]

I was maybe 19 or 20.

[Host]

Is there anything more 20 year old girl than getting in a car accident and being like, that's too uncool to say. So I'm just gonna say something came up because I'm embarrassed of the fact that I had a fucking car accident. Yeah, that's. That's so funny. That's so funny that you felt the need to play it cool after nearly losing your life. For dick.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Host]

For Australian dick. Nonetheless.

[Ali Makovsky]

I know. Bad, bad times.

[Host]

It's the most fun kind. I hear.

[Ali Makovsky]

Australian.

[Host]

Well, yeah, I imagine it would be fun if there were riot, you know, in the streets. There must be a riot in the sheets.

[Ali Makovsky]

That's true. Yeah, that's true. Unfortunately, I think so much of my memory from that period because I was drinking so much also at the time. Are you driving? No, not at this time.

[Host]

No.

[Ali Makovsky]

No, no, no, no, no. However, this is. And I wasn't going to talk about it on the podcast.

[Host]

Okay.

[Ali Makovsky]

But go on, because it's not a great story and does not paint me in a good light whatsoever.

[Host]

Oh, we prefer those.

[Ali Makovsky]

Okay. Because my car was four days old.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Ali Makovsky]

I got all the money back for it because it was totaled. Yeah, that's how insurance works, I guess.

[Rachel Scanlon]

What? Something about can't get health care, can get a new car in four days.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Host]

What is there a statute within which you're allowed to.

[Ali Makovsky]

Because it didn't depreciate yet. There was no depreciation. Depreciated at this point.

[Host]

Yeah. Because of the accident. It was total.

[Ali Makovsky]

I don't know. So I. I got all the money back that I paid for the car and so I'm like, well, did you.

[Host]

Send it back being like it's broken?

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah, it came to me. Something happened. Something came up. Something came up. I don't know. And so I'm like, surely the problem is that the first car I had that is now totaled was a black car. So the car behind me couldn't see me coming.

[Host]

Okay.

[Ali Makovsky]

So the new car I'm getting, the exact same car is going to be white. So that way, even at night, you'll be able to see the car coming. And so I get the same exact car, and it's like nothing ever happened.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Ali Makovsky]

29 days later. No, I totaled that car. Blacked out, drunk driving.

[Rachel Scanlon]

29 days later.

[Ali Makovsky]

29 days later. So then I didn't have a car for two years, and I got sober. And so now everything is okay.

[Host]

But dark times, dark time, dark times, better driver.

[Ali Makovsky]

Now I'm. I think I've always been a great driver.

[Host]

You were just drunk.

[Ali Makovsky]

I think that time I was just drunk. And the other time I was drunk on dick.

[Host]

Oh, my God.

[Ali Makovsky]

I was dick drunk.

[Host]

Jesus Christ. Yeah, Dick drunk is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think I've ever heard that expression before, but I really.

[Ali Makovsky]

It felt the same.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Ali Makovsky]

You know, it was like something took control of me.

[Host]

I was not the morning after.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ali Makovsky]

It should be called a dud. Like driving under a dick. It's like I'm a dud.

[Host]

Yes. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's insane. Yeah. I have nothing to add. We'll be right back after the break.

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[Host]

Today.

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[Rachel Scanlon]

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[Rachel Scanlon]

You guys have fucked in bathrooms at, like, a house party.

[Host]

Nobody invites me to parties.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I'll change that.

[Host]

No, no, no. I don't think I've ever had sex at a party. Have you had sex at a party?

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah, but in high school.

[Rachel Scanlon]

You guys. I thought this was like an easy yes.

[Host]

Oh, I'm so sorry, but, like, you're not gathering from this show so far that I'm quite a disappointing strange prude. Rachel, I'm dying to hear your story.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I'd love to tell it to you.

[Host]

Yeah. What happened during the pandemic?

[Rachel Scanlon]

I had started to do online therapy. Yeah, okay. Which is zoom. Very light camera. Yeah, whatever. My therapist, you're not gonna believe me, was very hot. I don't know how this happens. I don't know how. It's like, there. It's something about me. I think the universe is like, I. I don't.

[Ali Makovsky]

I can't do that. Are you comfortable with this?

[Rachel Scanlon]

No.

[Ali Makovsky]

I need everyone in my life, like, in a professional level, to not be hot.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah, for sure.

[Ali Makovsky]

That would be so, like, first session, I'd be like, sorry, you're too beautiful.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I. I did think about doing also, like, do you guys. I did this weird thing when I was like, you know, you kind of date a few therapists to kind of find somebody.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And like, for the longest time, I was like, if you're not queer, like, I can't do this. The second I got a queer therapist, I was like, okay, like, is it on now? Like now? This is like, so it's like we're dating now. You know what I'm saying? It's like, romantic. This is me. This is my issue. Anyways, she was. Is beautiful and a therapist and she's gay and she's queer. Yeah. She is not a licensed therapist. And this is also important to this.

[Host]

Okay. I feel like anyone that you've seen in any of these stories so far has been licensed at any.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Well, I don't know what in network means. I don't know what it means to be in network. So I just find, you know what, Whoever's on Instagram.

[Host]

What back alley are you. Where are you Going for help.

[Rachel Scanlon]

The Internet.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

It's not going well.

[Host]

No.

[Rachel Scanlon]

But I'm definitely.

[Host]

Hey, you're alive.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I'm alive. And my bush is out. My. That hurts.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And my brain is broken.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Okay. So I found this. You know what she's. She specialized in? She was a mindfulness specialist, which is something. I didn't look it up.

[Host]

It's not just a shaman.

[Rachel Scanlon]

What does he, like?

[Host]

Mindfulness specialist.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I honestly should have looked.

[Host]

That's a life coach. Is it a life coach?

[Rachel Scanlon]

It feels like a life coach. But she was, like, not a licensed therapist. Important. And was definitely into, like, like.

[Ali Makovsky]

And did you, like, does she present that early on? Do you ask that when you find out, does that. Do you go?

[Host]

Well, does she put Dr. In like, inverse commas?

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

He was definitely, like. I could tell, you know, it's like kind of more woo woo out here in general.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I could tell because I tried to get a letter for something and she was like, I actually can't write that. And I went, oh, so you're not.

[Ali Makovsky]

Okay. So you didn't know this?

[Rachel Scanlon]

I was like, not at first.

[Host]

Was this only friends?

[Rachel Scanlon]

It felt like it.

[Host]

Okay, great.

[Rachel Scanlon]

It felt definitely like something that is not medical.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Okay. But she was a mindfulness coach. Specialist.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And she. And it wasn't until, like, that was one of her specialties, but I was going there for straight up therapy, but she was like, I specialize in mindfulness. And maybe she was like, do you know when you're, like, trying to get a therapist, but they're like, just. They're also learning to. They're not certified yet, but they take on clients. I think that's what she was doing.

[Ali Makovsky]

Okay.

[Host]

Okay.

[Ali Makovsky]

She was in the process maybe of being like, yes.

[Host]

Were you paying for this?

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yes.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah. But, like, hopefully not.

[Host]

It's my talk later. I think I'm gonna teach you how to get doctors.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Thank you. We worked together for a few months. Then she decides one day that we're gonna do a mindfulness exercise.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And I was like, I love it. I love to exercise. Let's rock. She tells me to go to my fridge and bring a bowl of grapes.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

On zoom.

[Host]

Nice.

[Ali Makovsky]

And she's just hoping that you have grapes available. Or did she give you homework last session? Like, make sure you're stocked.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Thank God I had grapes. Thank God they're zero points on weight.

[Host]

You actually give grapes. You seem like someone who's got grapes. I mean, that's a high praise.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Thank you so much. I'm taking it as. As a compliment, if not more.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And.

[Host]

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. I'm not trying to. You. My God.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I had grapes. Okay. I give grape. She knew I had grapes.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I bring over the grapes.

[Host]

And she's wearing fruit all over your top, right?

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Kind of look like one of those. Anyways, she then says, like, what we're gonna do for this exercise is she wants me to eat the grapes. Okay, let's eat the grapes. She wants me to eat the grapes. And I'm like, at this point, like, less. Like, less aware and healed than I am now at this point in my therapy journey. I'm like, for sure wanting to win therapy. I want to win. I want to show her that I'm, like, the best pupil she's ever had. Okay, so I start first. I start chugging grapes to be like, look how many grapes I can eat. I thought maybe that would do it. You know what I mean? I was like, is mindfulness, like, showing.

[Host]

Okay, wait, so wait, how much sort of hoggery are you? Are you damaged? Is it like.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah, I'm kind of like a zombie.

[Host]

Is it just like you're fisting grapes?

[Ali Makovsky]

I'm kind of like, chug.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah, I'm like, chugging grapes. Like I'm graping too hard.

[Host]

Are you speaking to each other in between this, or you just stop silently?

[Rachel Scanlon]

She stops me quick.

[Ali Makovsky]

But did she give you any sort of, like, lead up? Like, hey, when, like, eat these grapes one by one or do it like you're greeting? Yeah, she. There's no direction. It's just like, eat these grapes.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah, just like, it's a mindfulness exercise. You're gonna eat some grapes. I just start chugging grapes. She's like, wait a second. Like, slow down. This isn't a race. I'm like, everything's a race, right? I'm, like, trying to. Well, I'm trying to impress her and, like, show her. I don't know. I mean, I was trying to do something. I also, like, want my therapist to go home and think, like, God, she.

[Host]

Ate grapes really fast.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, now that's a grape eater. You know, like something exciting sometimes if I got bored.

[Host]

That's so wonderfully strange. Carry on.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yes. I also feel like sometimes when I. When there's, like a lull in therapy, I'll be like, I'll say something to get my therapist to love me. I'll be like, wow, I've never said that out loud before. Just so that they feel.

[Ali Makovsky]

You know what they mean, horrifying. You're twisted.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Just to let him have a good.

[Ali Makovsky]

Day.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Let him have a good day.

[Ali Makovsky]

You are twisted.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Listen. Works every time.

[Ali Makovsky]

Wow.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I want to be a. I want to be my therapist favorite. Anyways, you're so.

[Host]

You're like faking a therapy orgasm, essentially. This is.

[Ali Makovsky]

It's so true.

[Rachel Scanlon]

That's exactly what happened. She tells me to slow down on the grape eating.

[Ali Makovsky]

She starts crying.

[Rachel Scanlon]

She's like, well, I. And this is where it's actually humiliating for me. Wrong turns. Wrong turns. Because not only first I'm like, I'll eat too many grapes. She's like, don't do that. Like, slow down. And I'm like, okay, slower then. Genuinely, you guys. I start performing eating the best grape that I've ever.

[Ali Makovsky]

Like a commercial audition.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Exactly. Like grape.

[Host]

A lingus.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yes. And I'm. I'm going like, I'm. She's like, just.

[Host]

Are you touching your chest?

[Rachel Scanlon]

My throat. Where the grape would be. I'm like, this grape is like so good. Right? And I'm kind of like thinking that's what it is. I'm like, I. Is being mindful like a performance of. Of gratitude? Like, I don't know what it is.

[Host]

I mean, it is, is. It kind of.

[Rachel Scanlon]

It must be.

[Host]

No, I mean, Internet mindfulness really feels like it's a performance.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Host]

Like Zen.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yes. I mean, and that because I didn't have any true therapy in my bones, I'm literally thinking, like, being mindful is me showing you how good I can perform eating a grape. And how humiliating. Like, I look back now and I'm like, that is humiliating. That I am a comedian performing the enjoyment of a grape. In order for this woman to. To think she's good at her job.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Is like the most wrong turns that you can make within therapy to be like, I'm not here to heal. I'm not even here to enjoy this grape. I'm here to make sure that you think I'm enjoying this.

[Host]

You think you made me enjoy this grape. But I'm seeing grapes, I'm eating. I'm tasting grapes anew because of you.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah, exactly. How humiliating. Like, it's not. I think about it now and I'm.

[Host]

Like, I think you have created like a new tier of people pleasing.

[Rachel Scanlon]

It's bad.

[Host]

I think. I think. Do you know what I mean? There's like a God level tier now. Please.

[Rachel Scanlon]

That is a Midwest Lutheran. Just like peak.

[Host]

Yeah. Now I know why I've been given a bowl of grapes. I was given a bowl of grapes at the beginning of this, I presume I'm supposed to ask you to demonstrate a sexual grape moment.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Do you actually have grapes over there?

[Ali Makovsky]

Oh, my God, there's grapes.

[Host]

I thought they were just giving me. I thought they were just giving me a snack. So they never do this.

[Rachel Scanlon]

This is insane. Yeah, because you guys know I have to practice. Look at your producers just all busting a gut back there. You guys are sick. Also, how'd you know they were green in the story? I didn't.

[Host]

I didn't know. I didn't know that it was a chance.

[Ali Makovsky]

Wow.

[Host]

They were sent in by your therapist.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Oh, my God, Sylvia.

[Host]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ali Makovsky]

Wait, everybody still see this therapist?

[Rachel Scanlon]

No. I am untherapized.

[Host]

Okay.

[Ali Makovsky]

Would you like a. Great.

[Rachel Scanlon]

You should have one.

[Host]

Yes, please.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah.

[Host]

Okay, so I want to learn from you.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah. How do we.

[Host]

Teach me your. Teach me your creepy grape.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Way creepy grape. Okay. My new handle this. Also, keep in mind, it's not about actually tasting the grape.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

It's about portraying how good the grape is.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

All costs.

[Host]

Okay.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Okay. It's going in. Oh, yes. It's sweet. You're really good at therapy.

[Ali Makovsky]

Wow.

[Rachel Scanlon]

My therapist would love you guys.

[Host]

Were you talking about, like, the taste of the grape?

[Rachel Scanlon]

She told me to put words to it. She said, put. Put voice to it. Then I'm like, then it is erotic. Then the sweet juices are running down my throat.

[Host]

Now again, I think she's hitting on you.

[Advertiser]

I'm sorry.

[Host]

Like, I turn every time.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I know it's tough out here.

[Ali Makovsky]

It's so crazy.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah.

[Ali Makovsky]

So then how many more sessions do you continue to see her for?

[Rachel Scanlon]

Just a couple. Because I feel like the comedown of that, we needed a couple more sessions of no fruit. But imagine I show up next time with, like, a banana.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah.

[Host]

Oh, my God.

[Rachel Scanlon]

You wanna see what I can do with a papaya, right? Oh, now that's a fruit. Oh, wow.

[Ali Makovsky]

This actually. These are great grapes.

[Host]

They are really good.

[Rachel Scanlon]

So, grape.

[Host]

I didn't get to see yours.

[Ali Makovsky]

Oh, this is really bad.

[Host]

Okay.

[Ali Makovsky]

I'm not good at doing, like, erotic faces in public.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I think you should try.

[Host]

No, I did.

[Ali Makovsky]

You'll have to watch it back. I really tried my best and it was very uncomfortable.

[Host]

We basically fucked.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Let's just be real.

[Host]

This was a threesome.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Do you guys think that she is on a podcast right now going, this client fucked in front of me. Like, I thought. Why? I think about which. Where she's at.

[Ali Makovsky]

I can't imagine that she is a licensed therapist at this point.

[Rachel Scanlon]

She didn't make it.

[Ali Makovsky]

I think she is an eyebrow technician.

[Rachel Scanlon]

For sure.

[Host]

For sure.

[Ali Makovsky]

Yeah. She's ripping people off in other ways.

[Rachel Scanlon]

For sure.

[Host]

That was unbelievable. You've both told such strange and unexpected stories. Before you go, I just want to share another wrong turn story. It, you know, it continues to make us all feel less alone. We call this misery loves Company. This is from a male listener who wishes to remain anonymous. So I'm in college and last fall I was in my dorm room, which I was 99.99 sure was locked. I was feeling a bit frisky and I was alone. So I started taking care of number one. The TV was on, so I didn't hear anything when my friends opened the door. Plus, I was in the zone. Suddenly I hear a whoa, whoa, whoa reaction. I turn around and three of my friends are staring at me. That would have been bad enough, but the show that was on was the Golden Girls. Despite me telling them over and over that I was not in fact jacking off to the Golden Girls. No one believes me. And now every time I pass any of the three men on campus, they sing the theme song. Thank you for being a friend. Driving down the road Back again.

[Ali Makovsky]

That's so good.

[Host]

So good, good, so good. Wow.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Oh, and of course, it's the Golden.

[Host]

Oh, yeah. But also now that will become like, that's how kinks start, isn't it? It's trauma meet sexual, like the height of kind of sexual arousal. So I feel like now maybe he can't actually get off unless it's to the Golden Girls.

[Ali Makovsky]

Or maybe he'll like, continue. Like he'll look for older women. Like that'll be. Which I think is a good trauma response.

[Host]

Oh, we need that for sure. Yeah, we need that in this culture.

[Ali Makovsky]

But I will say I do this kind of weird thing, if you would believe me. Doing something weird.

[Rachel Scanlon]

No way.

[Ali Makovsky]

But I like, if I'm masturbating, I will just kind of also be scrolling on TikTok.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Interesting.

[Ali Makovsky]

And I'm like, it's not till I like, I'm not searching anything erotic. It's literally like a day in the life as a single mom in Nebraska and I'm just like going to town and just mind swiping. Yeah. So like I get just having something. I like background noise. I like to not pay attention. The first time I masturbated, it was Nick at night. So Full House was on.

[Host]

Oh, wow.

[Ali Makovsky]

And I don't know if I have any sort of trauma, like with, you know, three uncles just being Around, I don't know.

[Host]

When I was reading the story earlier and we were picking, like, what we were going to use for the show, I was thinking about the fact that I got called into NBC for sexual harassment. Not for wanking on. On set, but maybe something worse, which is that I. This is one of my wrong turns, I guess. My career. It's my first week ever as an actor. I was on the Good place. I was 30. I'd never been on a film set before, never been on a film lot. Like, never held a real script, anything. So I was so fucking green. And I'd come over from England, you know, recently, before then. So I. I get called in to HR and told that I need to be disciplined for sexual harassment. And I was like, oh, my God, what did I do? Turns out you are not supposed to try and make friends by showing people porn that you think is funny on set. Yeah.

[Rachel Scanlon]

Oh, no.

[Ali Makovsky]

What?

[Rachel Scanlon]

Yeah, you're a wrong turn.

[Host]

I am a big wrong.

[Ali Makovsky]

No, I'm just a wrong.

[Host]

Yeah, I just.

[Ali Makovsky]

Which cast? Like, I'm like just imagining Ted Danson 100.

[Host]

I definitely got Ted. I don't think he reported me. He's not a narc. Yeah, but like. But I was showing everybody one because I basically bought the domain porndub.com and I had. I wanted to dub pornography with comedians and so I was like, I love that you'd be so funny for this video. And I was showing everyone pornography.

[Rachel Scanlon]

And it's porn that you think is funny.

[Host]

It's porn that I think is funny. So it's also of the more extreme LOL's nature. And I had no idea. Like, that's not. Because that's how we make friends in England, you know, that's how we bond. And I didn't realize that America's so bloody Christian, you know, and uptime. But yeah, got disciplined. Got. I don't know why I said any of that. None of that was necessary for that story. But now everyone knows I'm a harasser.

[Ali Makovsky]

Watch out.

[Host]

Careful.

[Ali Makovsky]

Watch out.

[Host]

But I feel like that's where we bond, you know, just going around harassing everyone. U turning for cock. Yeah, Illegally. Perfect. I think we're a good fit, the three of us. And before people go, can you tell everyone where they can find you and what you've got that you want them to see or hear?

[Ali Makovsky]

You can go to alanmikofsky.com to see where I'm performing. You can follow me online. Otallimack.

[Host]

Great. Hooray.

[Rachel Scanlon]

I'm Rachel Scanlon comedy. My podcast is Oodykes and a Mic and then I'll be touring my solo standup in the summer.

[Host]

Thank you so much for coming on Wrong Turns. Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bates. Thank you to our launch producer Eve Bishop, our editor Shannon Joy Rogers, and consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com oh, and if you enjoy me, I have a substack that I write several times a month with some of my other embarrassing stories and also also other thoughts and opinions and so you can find me there if you want to See you next time.

[Advertiser]

Adam Pally here and I'm John Gabris. We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the host.

[Ali Makovsky]

Of the TV show 101 Places to.

[Advertiser]

Party before you die. Now we're bringing you a comedic look at health and wellness with our new show, Staying Alive.

[Ali Makovsky]

We'll have guests like our friend, actor.

[Advertiser]

Jerry O' Connell, ketamine therapist Dr. Stephen Radowitz, Paul Scheer, ego wobbly Gillian Bell, Dr. Dolittle staying alive with John Gabrison. Adam Pally is out right now. Get them a week early and ad free with SiriusXM podcast plus on Apple Podcasts.

[Rachel Scanlon]

At Strayer University, we help students like you go from Will I to why not? For over 130 years, we've been innovating higher education to make it more affordable, accessible and attainable so you can reach your goals. Go from thinking can I? To Yes, I can and keep striving. Visit strayer.edu to learn more. Strayer University is certified to operate in Virginia by Chevinus. Many campuses, including at 2121 15th Street north in Arlington, Virginia.