Dan Schreiber and Andrew Hunter

Summary

Podcast Summary: Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil

Episode: Dan Schreiber and Andrew Hunter
Date: December 4, 2025
Host: Jameela Jamil
Guests: Dan Schreiber & Andrew Hunter

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Episode Overview

This episode of Wrong Turns features comedians, podcasters, and writers Dan Schreiber and Andrew Hunter, both co-hosts of the acclaimed podcast No Such Thing As A Fish. The trio revel in stories of humiliation, misfortune, and personal disasters, eschewing moral lessons for sheer schadenfreude and camaraderie. Listeners are treated to outrageous anecdotes about accidental faux pas, embarrassing gigs, and the small but deeply felt humiliations of daily life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The “Longest Relationship” and Touring Life

• Jameela kicks off by noting Dan and Andrew’s long professional history, joking about their “colleague” status and the “curse” of never being in a relationship at the same time in the past (03:01).
• Dan remarks: “We’ve probably spent more nights in hotel rooms with each other than we have with our own wives.” (02:34)
• The group riffs on their marriages, pandemic weddings, and awkward costuming choices.

Are They Disaster Prone?

• Andrew describes Dan as a “pattern spotter” and “amazing for stories,” someone to whom “mad things happen” (04:24).
• Dan embraces disaster as “a fundamental fun thing in life,” providing all the best dinner party stories—especially now as a parent (05:03).

Karaoke Catastrophe: Dan’s Parenting Disaster

• Dan shares a story about his son karaokeing “Greased Lightning,” obliviously singing the X-rated lyrics to a roomful of parents (05:22–06:30).
  • “She’s a real pussy wagon is one of the lines that my son had.” – Dan (05:48)
  • “Did he just say ‘pussy’?” – Jameela (06:21)
• The group howls over the awkwardness, with Andrew quipping that Dan’s (nonexistent) parenting podcast would be “off the chain” (06:33).

Miscellaneous Embarrassments: Buggies and Dog Prams

• Dan explains the shame of pushing an empty buggy, earning dirty looks from strangers (07:19).
• Jameela confesses to pushing her dog in a special pram due to its bad back, drawing baffled stares and judgment (07:25–07:55).
  • “There are very few areas where there’s enough socioeconomic heft to have a special dog pram in it to be normal.” – Andrew (07:41)

The Jude Law Incident

• Andrew shares his “Jude Law moment”: being mistaken for a waiter by Jude Law at a literary festival and playing along, only to later appear on the dancefloor, confusing the actor further (09:01–10:03).
  • “And then later on in the night he sees me on the dance floor… I can see him saying, ‘Why is that waiter on the dance floor?’” – Andrew (10:01)

Jameela’s Topshop Waitress Debacle

• Jameela recounts attending a swanky party wearing the exact dress as the waiting staff, eventually just working the event to save face (10:06–11:14).
  • “It will actually be easier for me to just work.” – Jameela (10:50)

Micro-Humiliations

• Andrew admits to being a “bouncer” at children’s parties as a teenager, which led to utter chaos and eventually the police being called (15:00–18:49).
  • “I once got mugged by—I would say he was 12—during a riot…” – Andrew (18:22)
• Dan reveals his childhood nickname in Hong Kong, “Dan Dan,” literally means “testicles” in Chinese, which he only learned in his twenties (13:31).
• Dan’s blunder in name selection: after giving himself the middle name “Indiana Craig,” a friend points out his initials spell “dicks.” (14:00)

Major Wrong Turn Stories

Ostentatious at the Aquarium and London Eye (Andrew)

• Andrew details humiliating early gigs with the improv show Ostentatious.
  • Performing in front of a fish tank at London Zoo, audience ignoring the show to look at fish (24:29–25:34).
  • On the London Eye, their Jane Austen improv show is ignored by guests more interested in speed dating and the view. The show unravels as everyone awkwardly pretends it isn’t happening (26:15–27:48).
    • “It’s for people who want to listen, not people who want to fuck.” – Jameela (26:37)
  • The misery of watching other pods have a good time (28:00).
  • An elderly woman’s review: “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen.” (29:00)

The Eucalyptus Oil Incident (Dan)

• Dan describes accidentally poisoning himself to test if his son had ingested eucalyptus oil (34:45–39:14).
  • “I grabbed the bottle off him and I downed it. I chucked a bunch into my mouth and screamed with pain… Okay, I don’t think he drank it.” – Dan (35:48)
  • Hospital staff nearly send him for self-harm evaluation due to his convoluted explanation (38:01).

The Trousers Mix-Up

• Dan’s micro-humiliation: a romantic moment gone wrong when his date, stroking his hairy leg, thinks he’s still wearing trousers (19:14–20:40).
  • “She leant into my ear, whispered in a really sexy voice… ‘Well, now let’s get you out of those trousers.’” – Dan (20:17)

Confrontation Over Food

• The trio riff on the agony of British confrontation, with Andrew’s story of returning a too-small sausage (29:28–31:38) and Jameela’s horrifying revelation about kitchen staff spiking returned food with “pube chafe.” (31:53–32:50)

Bodily Shame, Doctors, and Fame

• Jameela talks about the difficulty of seeking medical care as a celebrity, particularly when required to provide stool samples (41:08–41:31).
• Dan’s “star” moment: His feces is on display in the Isle of Wight “Poozeum” (41:39–43:03).
  • “They have a pooquarium where they get celebrity poos… You’ve got to send a Code Brown.” – Dan (41:39)

Listener Story: Nosebleed Nightmare

• Listener Ali writes in about getting a nosebleed during a hot-and-heavy hookup—her crush leaves, never checking if she’s okay (46:44–47:38).

The Lovestuck Musical and Embarrassment-as-Art

• Discussion of the infamous “Lovestruck” story (toilet mishap immortalized in a musical), emphasizing how embarrassment can be transformed into art and shared humanity (47:43–48:24).

On Embracing Shame

• Dan cites Dale Carnegie’s diary of “damned foolish things,” noting the importance of owning and sharing mistakes as part of life (49:37–49:54).
  • “I just tell them on my podcast.” – Jameela (49:54)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I love having close friends on the podcast at the same time because they’re able to verify information about one another, throw each other under the bus.” – Jameela (03:50)
• “Disaster, I think, is a fundamental fun thing in life.” – Dan (05:03)
• “She was like, ‘Where’s the button? Where are the flies?’” – Dan on his faux trouser removal, (21:03)
• “I’d rather die of bowel cancer than shit in this cup for you.” – Jameela (41:31)
• “You have mass shooter written all over you… It would just be one tiny thing that tips you over the edge, like a tiny sausage.” – Jameela (30:56)
• “If you can ensure that people are there to see you, you’ll have an okay time, even if it goes badly.” – Andrew (26:15)
• “Rejection is protection, Ali.” – Jameela (47:44)
• “Do you know Dale Carnegie, who wrote How to Make Friends and Influence People? He used to keep a diary called Damned Foolish Things I’ve Done…” – Dan (49:37)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:15] – Episode Intro and guest banter
• [05:22] – Dan’s Greased Lightning Karaoke Disaster
• [07:19] – Dan’s Empty Buggy Embarrassment & Jameela’s Dog Pram Stories
• [09:01] – Andrew’s Jude Law Waiter Story
• [10:06] – Jameela’s Waitress Dress Incident
• [15:00] – Andrew’s Teen Bouncer Mishap
• [19:14] – Dan’s “Trousers” Mix-Up Story
• [22:50] – Andrew’s Ostentatious Gig Horror at London Zoo & London Eye
• [34:45] – Dan’s Eucalyptus Oil Self-Poisoning
• [41:39] – Dan’s Poop in the Poozeum
• [46:44] – Listener Disaster Story: The Nosebleed Hookup
• [47:43] – “Lovestruck” Musical Chat

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Where to Find the Guests

• Dan Schreiber: @Schreiberland on Instagram; Podcasts: No Such Thing as a Fish, We Can Be Weirdos; Live show: This Changes Everything
• Andrew Hunter: @N_DrewHunter_M on social media; Latest novel: A Beginner’s Guide to Breaking and Entering
• Jameela Jamil: Podcast archive, Substack (A Low Desire to Please), and YouTube for full-length videos

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Summary

This raucous and relatable installment of Wrong Turns is a celebration of indignity, accidental disasters, and the importance of laughing at one’s own messes. From awkward karaoke and over-enthusiastic improv gigs to hospital visits for self-inflicted idiocy, Jameela, Dan, and Andrew prove once again that disaster is not only inevitable—it’s often hilarious, and sharing it makes us all feel a little less alone.

Transcript

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[Jameela Jamil]

Hello, and welcome to Wrong Turns, the show where dignity goes to die. I am always joined by my favorite funny people to tell me their tales of woes that all of us feel less alone in this world of terror and trauma and humiliation. And joining me today, we have a producer, writer, podcaster, and comedian who co created the Museum of Curiosity and is a co host of the wildly popular podcast no Such Thing as a Fish. It's Dan Schreiber.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yay. Thank you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Claps for Dan.

Okay, I'm also thrilled to welcome a writer, podcaster, and comedian who is also a co host of no Such Thing as a Fish, and he hosts the podcast the Naked Week. He's a writer for Private Eye, and his latest novel is A Beginner's Guide to Breaking and Entering. It's Andrew Hunter. Hello. Hello.

[Andrew Hunter]

Wow. Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Actively booing is new.

[Andrew Hunter]

15 years we've been working together.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

Feels like 16.

[Jameela Jamil]

Is this the longest relationship either of you have had?

[Dan Schreiber]

Yes. Yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

We used to have a tricky thing, didn't we?

[Jameela Jamil]

Did you?

[Andrew Hunter]

Well, when. Hold your horses, everybody. We used to have a thing where when I was attached, you were single, and when you were attached, I was single. And that's not saying that's why it never worked out between us. It just meant that, like, one of us being in a relationship cursed the other one to single them.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

Do you remember this?

[Dan Schreiber]

This is.

[Andrew Hunter]

I do.

[Dan Schreiber]

And then also, because we tour so much with our show, we've probably spent more nights in hotel rooms with each other than we have with our own wives. So, sure. But again, I like you.

[Andrew Hunter]

I'm fond of you.

[Dan Schreiber]

He calls me a colleague.

[Andrew Hunter]

He's a great colleague.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think you two should kiss.

[Dan Schreiber]

Not again. We've tried this.

[Jameela Jamil]

So how are you able to break this spell? Have you broken the spell?

[Andrew Hunter]

Thus far, we have broken the spell.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're both in relationships?

[Andrew Hunter]

We're both married. Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. What did you have to do for this miracle to occur?

[Dan Schreiber]

That one woman to agree to marry both of us was the hardest part.

[Andrew Hunter]

She's bloody patient.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, fantastic. How long have you been married?

[Dan Schreiber]

Eight years.

[Jameela Jamil]

How's it going?

[Dan Schreiber]

How's it going? Yeah, it's going great.

[Andrew Hunter]

Thank you.

[Dan Schreiber]

It's going really good.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a question to ask, isn't it?

[Dan Schreiber]

I'm going to give it one more year and then we'll reassess. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And what about you?

[Andrew Hunter]

Five years. Your give or take.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, sure. Going well.

[Andrew Hunter]

Going terrific.

[Jameela Jamil]

Fantastic. Well done, Covid. A Covid wedding is mad.

[Andrew Hunter]

A Covid wedding. And we shouldn't have had those costumes. It was in poor taste, looking back now. But there we go.

[Dan Schreiber]

This is. I gotta say, this is quite a fun experience for me because Andy is spectacularly private.

[Jameela Jamil]

I love having close friends on the podcast at the same time because they're able to verify information about one another, throw each other under the bus. And given that you two have known each other for such an astonishingly long time, I feel very lucky, very lucky to be in this room right now.

[Andrew Hunter]

We're the best of colleagues.

[Jameela Jamil]

Would you say.

You said that like Tony Blair?

[Andrew Hunter]

I say a lot of stuff like Tony Blair. Don't get me started on Northern Ireland.

[Jameela Jamil]

All right, so do you think that you are both disaster prone at all?

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, I definitely am.

[Andrew Hunter]

Dan is amazing for stories and Dan does. I mean, Dan is just very good at getting into scrapes. Dan is very good at serendipity and coincidence and things seem to happen to Dan. Or Dan is very good at kind of shaping the stuff of life into. You know. Whenever you see Dan, he'll have a news story about something absolutely crazy, Some mad thing that's happened, and it all dovetails together. And I think that's Dan's great gift, actually, is doing that.

[Jameela Jamil]

So Dan's a liar.

[Andrew Hunter]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Dan Schreiber]

Dan, you are good.

[Andrew Hunter]

Dan's a liar.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm like Ricki Lake or someone or Trisha, just turning people against each other.

[Andrew Hunter]

He's a pattern spotter.

[Dan Schreiber]

I think as well, though. Like, yeah, disaster. I think is a fundamental fun thing in life. I think it's. If you don't have those incidents, what are you taking to a dinner party? What are you. What are you doing? It's accelerated for me, particularly because I've got three young kids now, so even if I'm being fine, I have to deal with their disasters like, non stop.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Dan Schreiber]

I had one. You know about this. I had one recently. We were at some camper van park and they had this terrible little stage and all the kids would get to pick a karaoke song and they would get on stage and all the parents were watching and all the kids were watching.

[Andrew Hunter]

Just remember when. Yeah.

[Dan Schreiber]

And we. And we were. So my son got up and he wasn't going to get up and he picked Greased Lightning and we were like, oh, that's so cool.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Dan Schreiber]

Have you heard the lyrics to Grease Lightning?

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't think I've actually familiarized myself with that.

[Dan Schreiber]

She's a real pussy wagon is one of the lines that my son had.

[Andrew Hunter]

Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

Miss school did that play. What the fuck?

[Dan Schreiber]

It's full of those lines. Something like, it's the shit. It'll get you. Tit is in the lyrics.

[Andrew Hunter]

It's a dream. The girls all cream. The girls all cream the girls all cream.

[Dan Schreiber]

I just had to sit there, not being able to get my son off stage, apologizing to every parent around this.

[Andrew Hunter]

Didn't it like blank out the lyrics that were appearing on the karaoke screen?

[Dan Schreiber]

Yes.

[Andrew Hunter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It had like redacted on the karaoke screen.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, Like P. Star, star, star.

[Jameela Jamil]

And what did he do? Did he just say pussy?

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, he's not with a hard. Yeah, he's a face. He doesn't know how to spell. So he's memorized all the lyric.

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like child services, I imagine, were called shortly after. Yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

Your parenting podcast, which you've never made, would be absolutely off the chain. It would be so good.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dan Schreiber]

It's unexpected stuff. I actually had one thing on the way here this morning which was I had to take my kids to school with my wife and we had a bunch of washing that needed to go to a dry cleaner and we put it in the buggy and carried the youngest. And so we left and I left it in the house and Fenella was like, where's the buggy? So I had to run back. So now I'm separated from my family and I'm alone with a buggy. It's this really curious thing that happens, which is people will stop for you move out of the way, cars will stop if you need to cross a road. If you have a buggy, it just naturally happens. But then they see there's no child in there and now you're the asshole because it's as if you've manipulated them in some sort of way. And that happens a lot. Embarrassing. Empty buggy is a. Is a big.

[Jameela Jamil]

My dog's got a bad back, so I take him everywhere in a pram.

[Andrew Hunter]

At the moment, right.

[Jameela Jamil]

People look at me even worse because they don't. There's only so many people you can go around saying, he's got.

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Oh, he's got a bad.

[Jameela Jamil]

He'. Hip dysplasia. He's got hip dysplasia. So people just think you're a psycho and that you're abusing the pram. Quick question, go on.

[Andrew Hunter]

Is it a specially designed pram for dogs?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Andrew Hunter]

I'm trying to work out if that makes it worse or better.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think worse in England. Worse.

[Andrew Hunter]

There are very few areas where there's enough socioeconomic heft to have a special dog pram in it to be normal.

[Jameela Jamil]

100%.

[Dan Schreiber]

Can a human baby fit in a dog pram?

[Jameela Jamil]

Totally.

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Several.

[Dan Schreiber]

Okay, so what's the difference? Oh, it's quite large.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a large dog trolley, really. Anyway. Wait, so you don't really experience disaster, Andrew.

[Dan Schreiber]

You do.

[Andrew Hunter]

Do I?

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah. When are we talking disaster, embarrassment?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Dan Schreiber]

Is that what you mean? Yeah. I mean, I don't know what your stories are today, but I love your Jude Law moment.

[Jameela Jamil]

What's your Jude Law moment?

[Andrew Hunter]

Oh, it was awful.

[Jameela Jamil]

Come on, let's go.

[Andrew Hunter]

No, it's. We were at a book festival. Not me and him, just me.

[Dan Schreiber]

We were doing no such thing as a fish game.

[Jameela Jamil]

Were you there?

[Dan Schreiber]

The Hay festival? No, we weren't there for this. You stayed an extra night.

[Andrew Hunter]

Okay, okay. I'd stayed an extra night. I knew some of the people who are running the thing. You know, they're at the desks, you know, it's like staffing the festival, like getting people to their right place and blah, blah, blah, welcoming people, blah, blah. And I'm just hanging out with my friend who was running it and Jude Law, you know, walks over. He's not an author. Why is he there? He was reading something out.

[Jameela Jamil]

Ah, what a cunt.

[Andrew Hunter]

Well, no, I'm joking, I'm joking. No, you gotta. I think you've gotta write a book to be at a book festival.

[Dan Schreiber]

That's.

[Andrew Hunter]

I'm old fashioned.

[Dan Schreiber]

But he's been making eyes with you. Right across the room.

[Andrew Hunter]

He's looked over once or twice and then he walks over and he just says, excuse me, where's the red wine? He doesn't say it like that. He's very nice about it. Just ask for some red wine. He's naturally assumed I'm a waiter of some kind.

[Jameela Jamil]

You an actual author at the festival.

[Andrew Hunter]

There's iron for you.

[Dan Schreiber]

We've just come off playing this massive room, huge. The night before. We're feeling good. We're feeling like, wow, this podcast thing's working.

[Andrew Hunter]

What we're doing podcast hot at that.

[Dan Schreiber]

Moment, you know, people, celebrities know.

[Andrew Hunter]

And Jude comes over and says, do you know where the red wine is? And I do. So I just play along. And then I sort of cosplay being a waiter.

[Dan Schreiber]

So he just went and got over his drink order, get on the wine.

[Andrew Hunter]

And then he thinks nothing of it. He's just met a slightly weird waiter, that's all. He probably meets weird people all the time. Like people go to pieces around him. He's Jude Law. Yes. He's not found published fame yet, but that's not the point. You know, he's a big deal. And. And then later on in the night, he sees me on the dance floor. Because there's a dance floor and there's a fun after hours, but at the festival. And I can see him saying, why is that waiter on the dance floor? You know, he's miffed.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, that is embarrassing.

[Andrew Hunter]

It was embarrassing. I think it was.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sometimes I'm quite similar to you. I'll just go along with it to prevent an awkward moment. I went to a GQ party or an Esquire party, I think when I was 22 and I didn't have any money, so I just went to Topshop to go and get a dress for this event. It was like my first one of my first big event. And I went and bought what I thought was this really, it was a suit themed party, like tailoring themed party. And I found this little dress that was this tiny little tuxedo dress, you know, where it's strapless and they've got a little bow tie where the boobs are, et cetera. Very cute, very sweet. I go along to it and the entire staff are wearing that exact dress because it cost 18 quid. And so because I'm brand new, obviously, every single person there keep stopping me for a drink. At which point I realize it will actually be easier for me to just work. So I just get a tray and then I just work for the rest of the evening, I get, like £400 in tips, which is fantastic.

[Dan Schreiber]

Oh, wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, pretty good. But it wasn't until, like, the very end when the editor was like, hi there. What the fuck are you doing?

As I'm tucking another 20, it's like, bruh.

[Andrew Hunter]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Schreiber]

No time to chat. I got six espresso martinis to get to table six. That's so good.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. So that was one of my first industry experiences. He then put me in the magazine, I think out of just pity for me, being like, this girl clearly needs some money.

[Andrew Hunter]

Yeah. Going along with it. It is a curse. I do it all the time.

[Jameela Jamil]

Totally.

[Andrew Hunter]

And then you can't get out of it. And then you have to, at some point fess up and say, actually, I'm, you know.

[Jameela Jamil]

And now you're Jude Law's private sommelier.

[Andrew Hunter]

We have a good time working together. He's a great guy.

[Dan Schreiber]

I have the opposite. I find myself in the situations and only to discover when I'm in the midst of it that anyone else with any brains would have clocked why they're in that situation. So, like, as a kid in high school, I used to get invited to a lot of Shabbats, and I'd always end up at the dinner table and they would say, oh, like. Like a Friday Jewish. Yeah. I'm not Jewish, but everyone assumes I'm Jewish. And I'd get invited to these things and I'd be sitting there on my own. Oh, yeah, it's wonderful. And they would say, like, you know, what temple does your parents go to? And I say, oh, no, I'm not. I'm not Jewish. And they'll be like.

Well, no, they got excited because then they were like, oh, well, let's tell you about it. And I'm like, yeah, sure. But anyone else would have been like, why am I being invited to this very specific thing? You sound all the time so funny. Yeah, but your name's Dan Schreiber, you know, they would always say. And. Yeah, so I like those embarrassing moments.

[Jameela Jamil]

Because is your real name even Dan Schreiber, or are you just doing that to get into Shabazz?

[Dan Schreiber]

To get into Shabazz. Oh, my God, they're so good.

[Jameela Jamil]

Darren Jones, motherfucker. Yeah.

[Dan Schreiber]

Great food. Great. The sort of sweet wine that they would have. They do a little prayer reading that has a little sing songy. Much better than the prayers I'm used to.

[Andrew Hunter]

Dan has mucked around with his name a bit, though, because in. When was it that you gave yourself a middle Name?

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, actually name wise. This is, I guess, the beauty of this podcast.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, 100%. I'm just watching you both throw each other under the bus. It's great.

[Dan Schreiber]

So there's two things. I grew up in Hong Kong. I used to do this in my stand up. But I grew up in Hong Kong and as a kid I got called Dan Dan at school and all the older kids knew me. So I was like, wow, I'm really popular in my school. Dan Dan. Very cool.

[Andrew Hunter]

Dan Dan.

[Dan Schreiber]

Anyway, it was, I was in my 20s when someone, I went, hey, how you doing? I'm Dan Dan. And they went, oh, like, like testicles. What? And they're like, yeah. In Chinese, dandan means balls. Testicles. And I wrote to all my friends, I said, did you guys know this? And they went, what? Did you not know that? No, I took that on. Yeah, that was a thing. But when I moved to Australia, when I left Hong Kong, my name's Daniel Craig Schreiber and I didn't. I thought it was quite boring as a name, so I added Indiana to my middle name.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sure.

[Dan Schreiber]

So Daniel Indiana. Craig Schreiber was quickly pointed out that that is dicks in a. Now again, I didn't know that. It was James Hark in our podcast Buddy.

[Andrew Hunter]

Was that when you knew?

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, I was on stage when he went, what's so dicks? And I was like, oh, brilliant, Brilliant.

[Jameela Jamil]

Pretty strong.

[Dan Schreiber]

Pretty strong.

[Jameela Jamil]

So do you have any examples for me of micro humiliation so I can sort of gauge.

[Andrew Hunter]

Oh God ye. There was a time where I don't think you know this, Dan. I was for a very brief spell a bouncer at children's parties.

[Dan Schreiber]

Keep going. This is funny.

[Andrew Hunter]

So for anyone listening and not watching.

[Jameela Jamil]

This, he was also a child. He's not a nonce.

[Dan Schreiber]

Oh, you were a child.

[Andrew Hunter]

And we should say not all bouncers at children's parties are nonces.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, well, okay.

[Dan Schreiber]

And I've never been to a children's party with a bouncer. I'm sorry, like child or adult? What are the circumstances of you being hired?

[Andrew Hunter]

Well, you know, clearly I'm a beefcake and they can't see that. Yeah, some muscle was required. No. What? There were just some parties that needed kind of chaperoning from slightly older children. So maybe kind of you're having a party of like 14 year olds and you need a 16 year old to just like all sort of like 12 year olds and a capable 15 year old to just.

[Dan Schreiber]

Okay.

[Andrew Hunter]

You know, like it's sort of, it's almost an extension of babysitting?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

Or childminder, whatever. And I got hired to do this party and it was quite a ritzy street. I grew up in Wimbledon, so lots of really nice houses and streets around the place and it's what a. What a piece of cake job, you know, it's nothing, it's, you know, it's just some kids having a party. It's not going to get out of hand. It's not.

[Jameela Jamil]

How old are the kids?

[Andrew Hunter]

I'd say they're about 14.

[Jameela Jamil]

So they hired a 15 year old to be responsible for children about eight months younger.

[Andrew Hunter]

I might have been 16. It can't have been that small a gap, can it? Like this is falling apart on first inspection. No, I would have been about 16, I think. A bit more capable and competent.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay. Really Just a bit. Okay, go on.

[Andrew Hunter]

I was probably being paid about 20.

[Jameela Jamil]

Quid for the whole night. What could go wrong with a party of 14 year olds?

[Andrew Hunter]

Yeah, yeah, that's the thing. And then. Cause I wasn't really. I hadn't done any bouncer training. I don't even know what you would do to train as a bouncer.

[Dan Schreiber]

You can't ID them as they're coming in.

[Jameela Jamil]

There's a bouncer that my friend used to know who worked on this club in Blackpool at the end of the pier.

[Andrew Hunter]

Oh, okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

And if anyone got too drunk far end and would chuck people just into the sea, which is so unbelievably illegal.

[Dan Schreiber]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

But they'd get out of hand, start a fight, chuck them into the sea to sober up. But also maybe drown.

[Andrew Hunter]

That's cold water though.

[Jameela Jamil]

Pretty crazy. Wow. Very cold. That'll wake you up. Yeah, yeah, yes. Just chucking people in. It's quite a comical vision. If you're not the one being thrown in.

[Andrew Hunter]

It's quite a long pier to be to swim back along.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, not great.

[Andrew Hunter]

Clinging to the girders.

[Jameela Jamil]

Not great. But word got round and people started behaving themselves.

[Dan Schreiber]

That's a good one. That's important.

[Andrew Hunter]

Exactly. You just need to encourage Les Ultra and then. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Anyway, back to the bouncer.

[Andrew Hunter]

Basically things started getting out of hand pretty quickly. I was not capable or competent to deal with the situation.

[Jameela Jamil]

Animals at that age.

[Andrew Hunter]

There was like drinking was going on and then like some local.

[Jameela Jamil]

There was snorting coke at 14 year old parties that I was going to.

[Andrew Hunter]

I don't, I didn't see any coke abuse at this party. I also was like fairly sheltered, 16 year old. I probably wouldn't have recognized it even if I had.

[Dan Schreiber]

Did you check their wallets as they came in? What kind of security were you doing?

[Andrew Hunter]

I was doing nothing. I was doing. I was hanging around on the front door trying to look. I couldn't look imposing. I was at best, I was at best slightly taller than a lot of the other. But like in weight class terms we were in the very much like of a piece, you know. And then some other kids, non invited kids started coming into the party.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's when you get to kick in with your role.

[Andrew Hunter]

And they started like climbing over the fence and getting into the back garden and these like, these other like local kids who were getting in were I'd say probably more used to physical confrontation than I was at the time.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay.

[Andrew Hunter]

But I once got mugged by a. I would say he was 12 during a riot, which was not a good incident for me.

[Dan Schreiber]

How old were you?

[Andrew Hunter]

I would have been in my early 20s.

I went to a riot on a bike to suss it out, see what was going on. I went on my bike, I came back on foot. Shit, that was not good.

[Jameela Jamil]

By a small child.

[Andrew Hunter]

He was smaller than me but he was fiercer, you know.

[Jameela Jamil]

So what happened at the party then?

[Andrew Hunter]

Oh, the police were called. The whole thing devolved and it just turned into a huge mess. And the next thing I know there's a police car on the street with its siren going. I think I got my 20 quid in the end, which I was pleased of. But I didn't deserve it.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, you fucking didn't deserve it. To give it back.

[Andrew Hunter]

Just thinking of that moment of, you know, just being in a situation which is going out of control just makes me absolutely go hot all over.

[Jameela Jamil]

Dan, tell me any micro humiliations to confess to?

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, probably the one that it was genuinely one of the most embarrassing things I've ever experienced. I was on a date date went really well. Got home and I was always very nervous about my body. I hated hair on my body. I just. When you grew up in Sydney by the beach, if you had like a hairy chest it would just.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, everyone's very Barbie and Ken now, aren't they?

[Dan Schreiber]

And so it just, it was a real kind of like I just, just had issues with it. So.

[Andrew Hunter]

And Dan is a hirsute chap. Yeah.

[Dan Schreiber]

And so it carried on into my adulthood, even in London and so got back home and so I used to perfect the method of, you know, turn the lights off and just get into the bed. And in this case because it was a date that was going quite quickly to the bed. I got naked and I got into bed and she got in next to me. And so lights are off, she's under the sheets. And so she takes her hand and she starts just rubbing my thigh up and down really slowly. And as she does that, she leant into my ear. She whispered in a really sexy voice as she was doing that. Well, now let's get you out of those trousers.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, no.

[Dan Schreiber]

Let'S get you out of my actual legs she was talking about. And I was so embarrassed that I pretended to take them off.

[Andrew Hunter]

Cause you've got into it. That's it. Yep.

[Dan Schreiber]

Let's just get those off there. Okay. I just moved my legs slightly out the way.

[Jameela Jamil]

And that is so funny and traumatic.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah. It didn't end the evening, but I think she was embarrassed as well because.

[Andrew Hunter]

I remember at what point she thinks.

[Jameela Jamil]

You'Ve taken off your trousers and they feel exactly the same.

[Andrew Hunter]

Yeah, that's it. Like, at what point did this subterfuge fall apart?

[Dan Schreiber]

She never said anything, but she did a thing where she grabbed my leg again and then did like a grab check.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, no.

[Andrew Hunter]

She was like, where's the button? Where are the flies?

[Jameela Jamil]

Let's go to a break.

So good, so good, so good.

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[Dan Schreiber]

Did I talk too much? Can't I just let it go?

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[Dan Schreiber]

The service.

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[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah.

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[Jameela Jamil]

And we are back. Okay, Andrew.

[Andrew Hunter]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

What is your big wrong turn story?

[Andrew Hunter]

I used to be in a show which is still going strong and is doing really well and I love it and I wish everyone in it well. It's called Ostentatious.

[Jameela Jamil]

Mm.

[Andrew Hunter]

It's a Jane Austen themed improvised comedy show.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

And some of those shows in the early days were not in theaters because you're starting out as a comedian. You know, you'll have done. We'll all have done Gangster Fringe.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, gosh.

[Andrew Hunter]

In the early days, we did performing on the Royal Mile, which is hard. It's hard to draw people unless you've got something very physically unusual going on. I'd say just because it's so, you know, our show is very wordy, Jane Austeny.

And we did a load of gigs at the start which were just such disasters. So in 2012, we had just started, we weren't doing the Fringe, but we wanted some like, gig practice. And this email came in from London Zoo and it said, do you want to come and do your show at London Zoo? We're doing this thing called Zoo Lates, which I think they still do, don't they? Like they, they open the zoo late at night, you can wander around, have a drink. It's really fun.

[Jameela Jamil]

It doesn't say much for the zoo animals that they're like, we need to get a theater show in here so people have something cool to look at.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, you're right.

[Jameela Jamil]

Unless it was for the animals.

[Andrew Hunter]

It was not for the animals. We were very close to some of the animals.

But it was just, it was a series of dates, like every, whatever night of the week for a whole summer. So we thought this is brilliant practice. And.

They don't have a theatre. I think they might have a slight outdoor space for the Bird of Prey exhibition, but that's not. That was busy. I think they were doing an evening Bird of Prey exhibition. So they said to us, and we were in our early 20s at the time, do you want to come and do your Jane Austen themed improvised comedy show underground in the aquarium space? And we'll put you in front of this huge tank of fish. And the fish were so cool. And no one, it turned out after a few weeks of doing the show, no one was there for us. People wanted to see the fish and they were willing to sit in a row and like look through us at the fish. And it Got so bad they had to put a covering over the fish.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew Hunter]

But they didn't cover the fish all the way around. They left the fish open at the sides. So we get members of the audience just get up from their seats mid show. We were doing walk to the front, peep in at the side. Look at these. They were great fish. They were very big and cool and they look kind of ancient.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

Amazing Jurassic. And they would like then gesture to their family sitting in. All their friends come and look at these weird fish.

Nine weeks of our lives were spent just performing in front of these fish. It was an absolute disaster. Anyway, that's a sort of medium level gig humiliation, which was great fun. We missed the Olympics opening ceremony because we were doing that. The great national moment of renewal and excitement. And we were just there in front of these fish.

[Dan Schreiber]

That's painful.

[Andrew Hunter]

It was painful. And then we did a London Eye gig which was a disaster because people were not there for us. Again, I think in comedy, if you can ensure that people are there to see you, you'll have an okay time, even if it goes badly. But we were approached to do a thing on the London Eye, which was a speed dating event. And it was like every different pod on the London Eye was gonna be a different thing. Great idea, right? Really fun.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah. But so are people doing the speed dating while you're performing around them?

[Andrew Hunter]

Unfortunately, yes.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah. Okay.

[Andrew Hunter]

So one of the things there was a magic show, one of the pods. One of the shows there was a dance, whatever. One of the shows was Jane Austen themed improvised comedy, which, look, I think it's a brilliant show, but it's a specific kind of show. Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's for people who want to listen, not people who want to fuck.

[Andrew Hunter]

We had a load of kind of. And that actually slogan we put on our posters.

[Dan Schreiber]

For many years.

Too many people were making that mistake.

[Andrew Hunter]

So we had to all file onto the London. You don't get long to go onto the London Eye because it's moving and you have like several seconds to shepherd on all these horny 20 somethings. And then. And it was a beautiful evening. It was so nice. Right. You know, it takes about half an hour to go around the London Eye and as, as you go up, if the sunset is right, it's absolutely stunning. You're looking out over this beautiful historic city. The View is incredible. It's very romantic.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

Unless you've got an improvised Jane Austen comedy group performing between you and the View. And that's a problem for the people who Are trying to enjoy it. They didn't seem to be Jane Austen fans. I'd say cool on balance. And after about 15 minutes of the half hour, the performance just broke down and we just kind of stopped doing it. And then you're just standing in a pod dressed as a Jane Austen character while a load of.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, and it's so slow.

[Andrew Hunter]

50 minutes goes quite slow.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's hours. That's days.

[Andrew Hunter]

Oh, God, it was so awful. And do you know what the worst bit is?

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What?

[Andrew Hunter]

When you're on the London Eye, you can see the pods on either side, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, fuck me. So you can see how well everything's going.

[Andrew Hunter]

It was going so well in the other pods, really. The pod after us was like a little petting zoo. They were getting to stroke, angora, rabbits, stuff like that.

[Jameela Jamil]

And it was like Caligula. Like they were all just shagging.

[Andrew Hunter]

No, I mean an actual petting zoo, which was still very cool. They've got a goat on there.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was amazing that you get Main Humble Pie Bakery. That was your time in Ostentatious.

[Andrew Hunter]

It was great. I mean, it was like. I was in that show for, I think, 10 years. And it's such a fun show. And it's really like. It's raucous and it's amazing.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's amazing.

[Andrew Hunter]

Oh, it's great fun. It's great. And everyone in it is. Oh, you're joking. Sorry.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay.

[Andrew Hunter]

Yeah, yeah. But you do get a sort of unintentional review sometimes. Like, once we did a gig in, I think it was Lyme Regis, heavy Austin country, you know, and we used to stand on the doors and kind of wish people good night. And it was sort of a nice little coda to the show. And this very elderly lady at the lime gig approached me, and as she approached, she leant in. I thought, oh, someone's gonna say something nice about the show. That's good. She just lent in and said, that's the worst thing I've ever seen.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, fuck.

[Andrew Hunter]

Not the worst show thing. Thing in life. And she was over 80. She'd seen some stuff.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

She remembered she'd been in the war. She may have remembered the war. Yeah. And this was worse, you know. Oh, wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's nice to be number one, though, isn't it?

[Andrew Hunter]

It is. It is.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know what I mean?

[Andrew Hunter]

If you remember us forever.

[Jameela Jamil]

I can't talk about that enough. Yeah. You won. Congratulations.

[Dan Schreiber]

It's interesting what stories you pick. Cause when I think about you, my.

[Andrew Hunter]

Worst moments, other stuff springs up.

[Dan Schreiber]

It's Stuff that you think, if I was you, I would be embarrassed to have done that, but you clearly aren't embarrassed. Like, there was one time we were in the office and Andy got really worked up over a takeaway sausage that he got at a restaurant down the road and after about 20 minutes took it back, returned a single sausage and had a massive sort of encounter with the person behind the. Didn't you get a free sausage as a result?

[Andrew Hunter]

I think I got a second sausage. Yeah, it was fine, but there wasn't enough of it.

[Jameela Jamil]

What? So you got back to the office, realized they'd given you a sausage that was too small. It was 20 minutes deliberating over how tiny this sausage was. And then you took it back, fuming.

[Dan Schreiber]

I don't think I've ever seen him so angry. You were incandescent. And it was the cost versus size of the sausage you charged. Like, how much did we charge?

[Andrew Hunter]

£11.

[Dan Schreiber]

£11?

[Andrew Hunter]

£11 for one small sausage?

[Jameela Jamil]

That's crazy.

[Andrew Hunter]

Are we joking?

[Jameela Jamil]

Even for London, that's crazy.

[Andrew Hunter]

This was 10 years ago.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right.

[Andrew Hunter]

I'm getting angry all over again. Dan, thanks. £11 could have bought you a lot of stuff.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is very funny to me because you don't strike me as someone who has confrontation often or easily.

[Zyn Nicotine Advertiser]

I don't.

[Andrew Hunter]

I don't.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I speak very classic. Sick of people like you to snap over something.

[Andrew Hunter]

Something completely reasonable, insane.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do you know what I mean? Like, this is like.

[Andrew Hunter]

No, I don't know what you mean.

[Jameela Jamil]

You have mass shooter written all over you.

And it would just be one tiny thing that tips you over the edge, like a tiny sausage.

[Dan Schreiber]

And then, yeah, when we're asked, why did he do it? We're gonna be like, oh, you are not gonna believe this. It just sounds too ridiculous.

[Andrew Hunter]

But I think you're right.

[Jameela Jamil]

I am right.

[Andrew Hunter]

I think you're right. Cause occasionally something will happen and I'll go, not that occasionally. Actually, quite often something will happen and I have to swallow down some, you know, the confrontation fucking kills me. You don't confront. Oh, yeah. And it's just about, you know, delaying that day as far as possible.

[Jameela Jamil]

And you're doing a great job. I'm very proud of you.

[Andrew Hunter]

Thank you. And I got a second sausage.

[Dan Schreiber]

Boom.

[Jameela Jamil]

Let's fucking go.

[Andrew Hunter]

550 per unit is not bad.

[Jameela Jamil]

Let's go.

[Dan Schreiber]

Actually, that's so weird. Cause now I feel like I went bowling the other night and I ordered a cheeseburger and it came without the cheese. And I really struggled to say something. And I did eventually but so British. And I'm not even British.

[Andrew Hunter]

You're really nice.

[Dan Schreiber]

Apologize the whole way through.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, there's also that and knowing that they will fart on your burger, you know, the second time around, there's the knowledge. Like, I worked at a very famous Italian chain, and they used to if anything got sent back, they would. A famous, famous Italian chain, Jamie's. And they would, they would. If anyone sent their food back, they're like a carbonara or something. The chefs would pull down their pants and rub their pubes to get any sort of dry skin and stuff off over the pasta and then send it back. So they just kind of give rough pube chafe as a kind of garnish onto any food that's sent back.

[Andrew Hunter]

Global cuisine I can never have again. So thank you so much for that. What do you mean?

[Jameela Jamil]

Really?

[Dan Schreiber]

Because the flip side is, what if you're going, God, those burgers are so good. What is that little extra something that you're doing now? You know it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Give it a go. Whenever a person won't reveal, like, a special ingredient, I know. It's pube chafe.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Anyway, okay.

[Dan Schreiber]

I'll give it a go this evening.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Let's go to another break.

I've ruined everyone's dinner.

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[Jameela Jamil]

So good, so good, so good.

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[Jameela Jamil]

Tell me, what was your big wrong turn?

[Dan Schreiber]

They all in my head, are quite reasonable. I've been told they're embarrassing. I had a really big day in my career a few years ago where I'd written a book treatment. I was incredibly proud of it and I sent it out. And my wife is a editor for books. She works at Penguin. And on that day, it was going to her particular team, not through her, but someone else. And they have these big round tables where they all sit around and they chat about it. And so Fenella was gonna be able to sit there and they're going, this is a very exciting treatment. Which she knew they were gonna say, so she was gonna be very proud. And it was going all around London to all these other places. So I needed to be on standby to answer questions and so on. And that morning I was downstairs and Fenella says, dan, quick, upstairs. And I ran upstairs and my little baby son, Ted, my middle son, was sitting there holding a bottle of eucalyptus essential oils for the bath, and his shirt was covered in it. And what happened is he picked it out of the bin and the lid had come off. And did he drink some? This was the big question. Yeah, we were freaking out. We were like, I don't know.

[Andrew Hunter]

It's bad for you. Bad for you, isn't it, drinking that stuff?

[Dan Schreiber]

It's poisonous. It's the highest level of toxicity on the scale on the back, which I had not seen. And so I was going, what would the reaction be? Like, surely his throat would be burning if it did, but he seems to be okay. So I grabbed the bottle off him and I downed it. I chucked a bunch into my mouth and it screamed with pain. I was like, oh, my God. Okay, I don't think he drank it because I think he would be screaming, oh, my God, he would be screaming. And so we're like, but we can't take that risk. Maybe babies don't scream. You know, you're a young parent, you're freaking out. So I call 111, I talk to them and I say, hi, we don't know if we need to get our son rushed to hospital, we think he might have drunk eucalyptus oil. And he went, okay, what do you mean, you think? And I say, well, we reckon he might not have because I drank it afterwards, and it really burnt and it didn't burn him. And he went, excuse me. What? You. You did what? And I said, well, I. Yeah, I needed to test to see if it was burning in order to know if he'd drunk any. He was like, you deliberately poisoned yourself in order to test that? And I went, yeah, I'm a good dad. I was just needing to get an answer. And he was like, you need to get to hospital right now. You're poisoned. You're in serious danger. So I get rushed to hospital with my son just joining us for the trip, because it's established very quickly that he didn't drink it. Meanwhile, Fenella's going, oh, my God. I'm meant to be at the table right now as your book proposal is being discussed. And Fenella's quite honest. She said, sorry, Dan to her boss at the time, who was also called Dan, I can't make it. My Dan's poisoned himself. And so we're rushing him to hospital. So I sat in the poison unit at this hospital who knew there was a poison unit? And then I almost got in even more trouble because they said, okay, so you drank this not on purpose, though, right? And I went, yeah, yeah, on purpose. And they said, you can't say that. We will have to put you to another place of self harm if you. If you say that. And I was like, why? Because you're purposely drinking something. I was like, no, no, but there's a caveat. I drank it on purpose to see if my son was okay. And they said, that's still drinking it on purpose. And we have to.

[Jameela Jamil]

The dumbest possible way of testing.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah. So the guy literally had to, like, do role play with me because he said, another doctor is gonna come in and ask you questions.

[Jameela Jamil]

Amazing. They're gonna say, what a legend doctor.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, because I think he could see where I was going, but I wasn't helping myself. So he was like, okay, so your son drank it, right?

[Andrew Hunter]

I said, yes.

[Dan Schreiber]

I thought he had. We needed to test that out. So you drank it yourself? Yes, but not on purpose. Absolutely on purpose. I needed to test, and I just couldn't get it in my head that I was being.

Wrong there, you know, I absolutely thought I was in the right.

[Andrew Hunter]

What did you settle on? Some fell into your mouth?

[Dan Schreiber]

No, he just said, okay, I'm just gonna have to not bring this other guy in. And they just left it because I just couldn't understand. But he said to me, because clearly I was so far into it, he was like, okay, you look like you're not dying. You haven't had any of the initial things that should have happened to you. But it's really rare that we get anyone in here who's drunk eucalyptus oil. Do you mind just hanging around for the next few hours so I can see what symptoms come. So I just had to hang around on this biggest day of my career in the poison unit while a doctor, really.

[Jameela Jamil]

But also to the publishers, it probably sounds like you just crack under pressure.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like, they probably think you've poisoned yourself on the day to get out of that. Your, you know, your book is being.

[Andrew Hunter]

Yeah, his mind is gone.

[Jameela Jamil]

And like, you just can't. Like this very Van Gogh.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know, you've cut your ear off, you've poisoned yourself. You can't hack it now.

[Dan Schreiber]

I didn't know it was poisoned as well. Just. Just going back to, like, the stupidity of me in that room. He was like, why did you not know it was poisonous? And I was like, well, I'm Aussie. I'm pretty sure. Like, don't we put it in our teeth?

[Jameela Jamil]

I would never have known that. I've learned that information right now. I didn't presume any of that stuff was poisonous.

[Dan Schreiber]

I mean, we put it in our bath, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, I put it in the fucking candles, everything.

[Dan Schreiber]

There you go.

[Jameela Jamil]

My boyfriend and I had an ant breakout in our kitchen, and he went and ran to the local store to get ant spray, and he sprayed it all over the kitchen floor. Not reading that. It was outdoor ant spray. Not for the inside. Right. And then about 3am, he wakes up vomiting black poison. And then I'm looking after him, trying to figure out what kind of terrible food poisoning or something he must have. And then I get it, and we've eaten different foods. He's a vegetarian, I'm a meat eater. We don't ever have the same dinner. And I was like, oh, something really bad has happened. And we both call an ambulance. We go to the hospital. We're being treated for, like, toxic. Toxic poisoning. And then when we have to relay everything to a full room of doctors who happen to be fans of ours, that we had poisoned ourselves with ant spray. So I feel you. I feel you on the self while.

[Dan Schreiber]

We'Ve had the same.

[Jameela Jamil]

Extremely humiliating.

[Andrew Hunter]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Especially if you wear glasses because then you just Naturally present the smarter than other people. Very embarrassing to do this as a glasses wearer.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah. I should get contacts, really. To solve that one issue. You must, as someone who's famous, have you always have to think about if you're going to a doctor's for whatever reason, or do you not have that?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah. I'm supposed to go to the gynecologist like every six months to a year. And I refuse to.

Like, at this point, I'm like, I can't take it anymore. Just kill me. Just kill me. It's the same with a poo sample. Have you done a poo sample before?

[Dan Schreiber]

Sure. Yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

Every morning.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay. Very excited.

I said to the doctor the other day, I was like, I'd rather die of bowel cancer than shit in this cup for you.

[Dan Schreiber]

Really?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Really funny about certain things, so. And the fame aspect definitely makes it worse.

[Andrew Hunter]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Totally.

[Dan Schreiber]

See, my poo's in a museum at the moment and I had to. It's in the poozeum. It's called the Poozeam. It's in the Isle of Wight. It's got their taglines. Have you been. It's a very. It's a very cool place. I love shite. Yeah, they have a. They have a pooquarium where they get celebrity poos. And so I got sent a box and when you have the poo in the box, you. It's called Code Brown. You've got to send a code Brown to the curator of the poo museum and he comes to collect it from you. And I. I had to do it just before.

Just before a gig. I had to do it right before a gig, pre show poo. So I thought that was gonna be good, except I had quite a heavy couple of nights before of alcohol and food. So you're sort of going, I've never been sort of like precious about what kind of poo I'm producing, but now this one's being immortalized in the poozeum for poo stereotype.

[Jameela Jamil]

You just think you're a runny guy.

[Andrew Hunter]

You know what I mean?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

When you say a pooquarium, are these things underwater? Is it like a sort of lobster Chinese restaurant?

[Jameela Jamil]

It's toilet water. Yeah, Toilet water in chunks. Just. Just floating.

[Dan Schreiber]

Exactly. It's a big aquarium and they.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, God, I've actually made myself feel sick.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, guys, it's a great. It's a great project. I could get Austin a gig there if you guys need another aquarium based show. Yeah, yeah. So poo is not. That's not a thing for me. You would rather be ill than poo into a. I'd rather die. Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, I made a resolute kind of decision about the whole thing. Yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

You've got to have a line. You've got to have a line and keep it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. But it is definitely weird, like. And I've never been to a doctor in the last decade who hasn't told me that, like, at the end, like. By the way, my children are a really big fan of your show or I'm a really big fan. So it just. It really makes you just harrowed. So it's really hard to get me to a doctor now.

[Andrew Hunter]

Have you?

[Dan Schreiber]

Cause I know through your podcast that you've got very odd little encounters with celebrities that you wouldn't expect. For example, 100%. You were given driving lessons by Larry David.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Dan Schreiber]

As a very. You just snuck that in as this little anecdote. Right, right. And so just out of curiosity, have you ever had any encounters with Kevin so Smith, you know, the clerk's director?

[Jameela Jamil]

I haven't, no.

[Dan Schreiber]

Okay. Because he had a heart attack after coming off stage, and as part of his heart attack, they needed to run something through his penis. Because that's how you do it. Right. And he.

[Jameela Jamil]

I did not know that's what you do when someone has a heart attack.

[Andrew Hunter]

Not always. Not always.

[Jameela Jamil]

But it's just for that one particular doctor. Yeah. I'm so sorry. We're actually gonna have to go up your dick hole.

[Dan Schreiber]

I think I'm sort of for a head injury.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I've broken my leg. We're gonna have to go into. Yeah.

Yeah.

[Dan Schreiber]

I think. I hope I've not just made this story up. But he. He. Basically, they were laying him in the hospital and they said, we've got to take your trousers downs. We've got to shave you, and we got to do this. And he said no, because he had a. He had a fear of anyone seeing his penis. And he went, absolutely not. And they said, we just have to. You're dying right now. You're having a heart attack. And he said, just let me die unless you can find another way. And they had to find another way. So he's put his money to his mouth there or his penis, where he has literally said, cool. I would rather no one in this room. Doctors, see my dick and die, than.

[Andrew Hunter]

How bad can it be? Come on. Get over yourself, mate.

[Jameela Jamil]

Maybe it's just so good.

[Andrew Hunter]

That'll be it.

[Jameela Jamil]

People won't be able to get over it, and they'll know about his secret power. Yeah, that's it. He's been hiding it all this time.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, that's possible.

[Andrew Hunter]

Wow, man, wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, I'm glad that you're alive to tell us this story. Now that is. It is. There is something very shameful about being responsible for one's own death if you weren't intending upon it or near death.

[Dan Schreiber]

It's true. Darwin Awards is the thing, isn't it?

[Jameela Jamil]

A stixy wank is always like number one on the chart. It is worst way to.

[Dan Schreiber]

And it is embarrassing. Do you remember the guy from Kill Bill? That's supposedly how he died. What was his name? David Carradine.

[Jameela Jamil]

No way.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah. And his family were so embarrassed by it that they sort of tried to create a new narrative. They said, that's not how he died because he died. I think in Thailand said, that's not how he died. They said, how did he die? And he said, killed by ninjas. And that was. Yeah, that was. That was their line.

[Andrew Hunter]

No.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, you know what? That's how I'm gonna say I die, guy. I'm gonna get my epitaph booked from now. She was killed by ninjas.

[Dan Schreiber]

Just on the tombstone, sadly, killed by ninjas.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you for that. So at the end of this show, we like to read out our listeners stories because they also live in this world of humiliation and horror. And this one today is from Ali. Ali says, I used to have a massive crush on the guy who lived next door to me. We both go out with some other friends in the building and I get drunk and I feel like he's giving me the eye. So when we get home, I try to make a move on him. I think I took him by surprise, but he didn't move. And I was so embarrass that I turned and ran away to my room. So I'm lying on my bed in shame when I hear a knock on my door. I go to answer it and he's there. And he says, I thought I should return the favour. And he kisses me. I can't believe it's happening. Things are starting to get a little hot and heavy and soon we're on my bed, both of us shirtless. He's on his back and I'm on top of him. Sorry. For a second I thought he was on his front and she was on top of him and I was like, let's see. Biscuit. Sorry, that's not okay.

[Dan Schreiber]

So another part of the story this doesn't end with. I touched his trousers and whispered into his ear.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wouldn't that be amazing? Another part of the story. I'm prone to nosebleeds. Anyway. I'm on the bed of the sky, looking down at him, and I feel one star. And all I have time to say is, oh, no. And then blood is pouring out of my nose, all over me, the bed, his face, everywhere. I'm so humiliated. I go to the bathroom, but the bleeding won't stop. I basically just hide in there so long that I eventually just hear him leave. And to be honest, I'm a little relieved.

[Andrew Hunter]

Oh, that's terrible.

[Jameela Jamil]

What a prick for leaving and not checking if she's okay. Sure. For fuck's sake.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know what? I don't think that's a missed opportunity. Ali. I think that's great.

[Dan Schreiber]

I think Ali survives.

[Jameela Jamil]

Rejection is protection. Ali.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, exactly. We've got a buddy, Jamie Morton, who's on. My dad wrote a porno, who, along with James Cooper, they just did a musical about a horrible dating situation.

[Andrew Hunter]

Famous.

[Dan Schreiber]

Very famous one. Do you remember when the. Was the date where the girl went to the bathroom, tried to flush it. It didn't go down the toilet, she picked it out the window, got stuck.

[Jameela Jamil]

In the double window.

[Dan Schreiber]

They wrote a whole musical about it. Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Absolutely. Extraordinary.

[Andrew Hunter]

Brilliant.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm obsessed with that woman. Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Hunter]

It's called Lovestuck.

[Dan Schreiber]

Lovestuck, exactly.

[Andrew Hunter]

Great musical.

[Jameela Jamil]

Outrageous.

[Andrew Hunter]

It really is. And it's all about the embarrassment and the shame and actually getting past it. And it's quite moving, actually. Genuinely, it's really.

[Dan Schreiber]

It was really touching.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's such an endorsement.

[Andrew Hunter]

Well, it's kind of. It's like this show, isn't it? It's.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know, anyone who doesn't know is a girl who tried to. I mean, we kind of said it, but tried to flush a poo at her boyfriend's family's house. Couldn't. It wouldn't flush. Cause it was too big. She picked it up, she tried to lamp it out the window. Unfortunately, she didn't know behind the window was another window for double glazing. And so then she climbed into the window space to try and retrieve the massive log.

[Dan Schreiber]

So she had to climb from the top.

[Jameela Jamil]

So she had to climb into it and then got stuck. And then eventually they came up to see where she'd gone. And she's just in there holding this massive shit that she can't. She's locked inside a sort of poo coffin. And then I. I think the ambulance have to come out and get her. And there's an iconic Photograph of this that remains on the Internet forever.

[Dan Schreiber]

And she and the boy on that date who are not together but still know each other, were able to sit in an audience and watch a musical about that story.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is incredible.

[Dan Schreiber]

They went to see it because they.

[Jameela Jamil]

Did get together after that for a while, right?

[Dan Schreiber]

I can't remember. But they're definitely. I don't think together now. Maybe they are, but I think it was a date.

[Andrew Hunter]

It was a date they were on. There was a date.

I didn't. Because I know they're anonymous. They've never been.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, they were there. They were there at the play and they loved it. That's the thing. It's all important. You might like Ali's story there. You know, you might have a musical in your embarrassing moment.

[Jameela Jamil]

100%.

[Dan Schreiber]

Do you know Dale Carnegie, who wrote how to Make Friends and Influence People? He used to keep a diary called Damned Foolish Things I've Done, and he would write down all of his most embarrassing moments. He sometimes would dictate it to his secretary, but if they were too embarrassing, he'd have to just go and write it on his own because he was like, no, I'm not even telling her that.

[Jameela Jamil]

I just tell them on my part. Podcast.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, exactly. This is your damned full of things. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

You've done 100%. Oh, what a nightmare. Well, Ali, thank you so much for writing that in. I'm so sorry that happened. This guy's a cunt. There it is. I've said it. Before we go, Dan and Andrea, will you tell us where we can find you and what you've got coming out?

[Nordstrom Rack Advertiser]

Dan?

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, sure. We. We're both on social media, so I'm on Instagram on Schreiberland. No Such Thing as a Fish is our mutual podcast that we do, which is weekly. So if you. If you like facts, weird facts, come listen to that separately. I do another show called We Can Be Weirdos, where I interview people about all their weirdest beliefs, you know, ghosts, aliens and all that, just to see where they sit on it. And I'm doing a show next year, a live show called this Changes Everything. It's like a big evening of crazy, mind blowing stories. So that's happening in February and March of next year.

[Andrew Hunter]

That's very exciting.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah, that's great.

[Andrew Hunter]

Yeah.

[Dan Schreiber]

You, Andy.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do you two know anything about each other?

[Andrew Hunter]

We tune a lot of it out.

This guy sounds amazing. Yeah, he sounds so good.

[Jameela Jamil]

He's a guy. You should team up with him.

[Andrew Hunter]

He sounds busy. I'm N. Drew Hunter. M. On various things and I write novels occasionally and the latest one's called A Beginner's Guide to Breaking and Entering.

[Jameela Jamil]

Great.

[Andrew Hunter]

And it's about it. Do I do anything else? Yeah. Yeah, that's about it. That's about it.

[Dan Schreiber]

He bounces kids parties as well.

[Andrew Hunter]

I do.

[Jameela Jamil]

He's for hire.

Thank you so much guys. Thanks for coming in. It was a lovely way to meet.

[Dan Schreiber]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com youm can find full length videos of our episodes on YouTube. And don't forget to subscribe like review wherever you get your your podcast and tell your friends about us. And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. I'm going to off now. Bye.

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[Jameela Jamil]

So good, so good, so good score.

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[Dan Schreiber]

Because there's always something new.

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