C (2:06)

I'm good. I feel like whenever you swear, like, with that accent, it's just so much nicer and doesn't feel like a swear word.

B (2:13)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

C (2:14)

If I say, fuck, everyone's like, ew, this woman's a pig and belongs in a trailer park. But when you say it, it's kind of like, I don't know, sing song.

B (2:23)

Only to Americans. Since moving back to England, I'm all like, fucking and cunting and no one finds it as charming anymore, so it's made quite sad. Frankie, are you okay?

C (2:35)

Yeah, yeah, I'm all right.

A (2:37)

I'm gonna go just go buy a new laptop today. But, yeah, I'll be good.

B (2:42)

Okay. So when it comes to disaster, do you spend too much time with disaster in your lives, Steph?

C (2:48)

Yes. I feel like everything I say on stage is real because it's a real story. That is mortifying, and that happened to me publicly. So, yeah, I feel like my whole set is from real embarrassing moments in my life.

B (3:01)

And do you find that because you have so many crazy stories, many of which I love, some of which have traumatized me, do you ever feel like people are like, that can't be real, like, she's making that shit up? Yeah, same. Yes.

C (3:11)

A lot of the time, people think that. I'm like, why? Some of them are so weird. I'm like, why would I make that up?

B (3:15)

You know what? I've actually started to take anyone accusing me of making up my stories as a huge compliment and slay because I'm like, ugh. They think I am a relentless creative genius.

C (3:25)

Yes.

B (3:25)

And I think I prefer that to just being the recipient of constant hell. I want them to think I'm living a great life in total peace and dignity, and I'm just coming up with this shit off the top of my head. It's a nicer way to be remembered. What about you, Frankie? Are you chased by a disaster demon?

A (3:45)

Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, yeah, I'm pretty much an open book up there, but, yeah. Yeah, it is crazy when people. I don't know, I think sometimes people are like, oh, you can't make this up. But some of my stories are so wild, especially after being, like, a party animal drug addict for a while and then getting sober. Like, I'm more open to talking about all the crazy shit that happened, but, yeah, no.

B (4:05)

Well, good for you. And you're in the right place. You're in a safe place.

A (4:09)

Thank you.

B (4:10)

Thank you.

C (4:10)

Safe, public place.

B (4:12)

The last time we were on a podcast together, it was Bad dates when I was hosting that and you told me a tale of sex gone wrong when someone bit your mole off your neck. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

C (4:25)

I don't think you tell the story.

B (4:26)

And it was very.

A (4:28)

Oh, my God.

C (4:29)

I don't tell it on stage because it's not funny and it's more grotesque. But, yeah, a man did bite my neck mole off. And actually, you know, to be honest, I just tweezed the hair this morning. The hair still grows there. I have a phantom mole hair, so it reminds me every day totally what used to be.

B (4:45)

But I'm quite sensitive to stories like that about biting anyone's flesh or skin or large Hairy mole off. Just. It's my specific, specific point of queasiness. I'm fine with blood. I'm fine with this and the other, but certain things I can't handle. And I almost fainted, genuinely almost fainted when you told me the story. And then it's the only episode I recorded out of maybe 200 where something went wrong with your sound. And so you had to come back and only your story had to be retold to me and I had to sit through it verbatim all over again. And this time I knew what was coming, which I thought would make it better, but somehow did actually make it worse. So we've really been through the fire together.

C (5:28)

We really have. And I'm sorry to put you through that.

B (5:31)

No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm hoping that I don't faint on today's episode, but I'm very excited to hear what you have to say. Can you give me an example of a micro humiliation you might have faced in this life, Steph?

C (5:42)

The first one that came to my head was when I used to be a partier back in the day. I went to an after hours in downtown Toronto with this guy that I just met at a bar. And I was really hazy and I kind of blacked out. And I woke up in the corner and I remember waking up and seeing a man just staring at me with a cigarette. And I looked down and just one of my tits was out and this strange man was sucking it. And I remember being. I remember the whole thing being so odd. Cause I was like, first of all, I've never had an audience. Second of all, why is one tit out? Like, just one was fully out. Like, I guess I brought it out of the top. He had brought it.

B (6:16)

I didn't bring it out.

C (6:16)

I wasn't like, and here you go. And he was just sucking it. And I was just like, I have to leave. And I remember I just put it back in my shirt and I like, stumbled home. And I was like, well, that was embarrassing. That was weird.

B (6:28)

Okay, so someone else took your breast out of your.

C (6:32)

The guy that I went to the after hours with? Yes.

B (6:34)

So you knew him? You did.

C (6:36)

I did not know him. No, no, no, I was him. You didn't know him. He's like, let's go to this after hours. And I was like. And then we went down there.

B (6:42)

Horrifying. And you said there was someone watching.

C (6:46)

The guy watching was the worst part. That he just looked. He didn't even look aroused. He was just like, almost like a detective. Just, like, watching this tip be sucked.

B (6:55)

And he was smoking.

C (6:56)

Creepy. He was so gross.

A (6:57)

Smoking a cigarette.

C (6:58)

Oh, yeah. It was so. It was a nat. It was like after hours. Also looked like. Like a dungeon. It was in a basement. It was. They always look like that. So it was like, I think there's asbestos.

A (7:09)

Were you dust standing up or sitting down in a corner?

C (7:12)

I was sitting and he was crouching, which was even worse. Picture him crouching. That's the worst part is I was sitting and he was like this. Just sucking it. It was so gross.

B (7:21)

So wait, he wasn't even lying in your arms as a baby, Which I don't know if that would at all be just watching.

C (7:28)

Yeah. Like, you would if you were to.

B (7:30)

Drink straight from a cow's udder, right? You'd have to, like, crouch over a bend down almost upside down, like, Spider Man.

C (7:36)

I was behaving as such, as a cow. I was sitting there publicly getting my breasts sucked. And it was very odd because we weren't even making out. I was like, is that all we did? Like, I don't really. All I recall is I just went, huh? And I tucked it back in, and I went, good evening. And I just walked home. And I'm like, I can't tell any of my friends about this. They're going to think I have a problem.

B (7:58)

But also. But also, what kind of life have you lived that you wake up in a basement and someone's breastfeeding from you and you don't feel like that was your, like, idea, and you just go. And you don't feel. You don't feel afraid, but you said it was definitely your idea.

C (8:17)

Oh, I was terrified.

B (8:19)

Because it sounds like you just got up and was like, huh, okay. And just put your tit back in and went home. That is fucking insane.

C (8:26)

I was also, like, very drunk. I think if I was.

B (8:29)

Was he embarrassed when you woke up? Did he know you were awake?

C (8:32)

I wasn't, like, fully. Yeah, I wasn't sleeping. I was just, like. You know when you're just so drunk and you kind of, like, finally it comes together, what you're doing. Like, you. I guess you sober up a little bit. No, I wasn't, like, full assault. I'm sure I was, like, allowing the tits act to happen. I just. I think it's. When I saw the man watching and realizing where I was, I was like.

B (8:50)

That made it weird.

C (8:52)

No, if a man wasn't watching, I would have allowed it. And it was also weird because it's Only wait, Sorry.

B (8:57)

No. What?

C (9:00)

I feel like. What? I don't mind a title every now and then, but it's just like the man watching. No business being there.

B (9:07)

100%. Yeah.

C (9:08)

That was no business being there. Maybe he was just there smoking. We just entered his line of sight and he.

B (9:12)

I was about to say, maybe it was like his house and you guys just came in and started breastfeeding. And he was like, what the is going on here?

C (9:18)

I never went or saw that. That after hours again. So you're right. It could have been in man's home.

B (9:24)

Oh, my God. That is hilarious. That is hilarious. And you are cool as a cucumber to handle it in such a way. Jesus Christ.

A (9:34)

What was his reaction when you put the tit away? Was you just like, oh, okay, that's over.

C (9:38)

Cigarette too. He was so. We were all so up. I think I was in the smoker's lounge. I don't know where I was. I think I was at a Legion hall. I actually don't know where I was right now. And this is all. All reminding me of a time I don't want to remember.

B (9:51)

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Well, thank you. That is an extraordinary micro humiliation to come straight out the gate with. I think one of the strongest so far in the entire show. Frankie, did anyone feed off your balls or anything?

A (10:07)

No, no, no, no. I mean, that would have probably been better, but there was a El Salvadorian restaurant in Daly City. I used to live in San Francisco, and. And there's just. Daly City is the city just south of San Francisco. And they used to have this all you can eat pupusas and enchiladas at the Salvadorian restaurant on Tuesdays from 10am to 3pm and you pay 10 bucks. You eat as much as you can. I'm sitting across the table from. From my homie, you know, we're going in. And, you know, I was like, oh, you know, I got a. Yeah, I got a fire. I gotta pass gas or whatever. It makes sense. I'm eating all these pupusas. But, you know, something a little more came out and I tried to, like, catch it. And then I'm sitting across from my boy, and he's like, what? What's wrong, dude? And I was like, dude, I think I just shit myself. He's like, are you. He was like, pissed. He's like, are you kidding me? And then, because he had just got a brand new Cadillac.

B (10:55)

Oh, no.

A (10:56)

Yeah. And it was. This was before Uber or anything. He was like, I'm not taking you home? And I was like, dude, what the fuck? You can't leave me here. And I got up and I was like. I walked awkwardly to the restroom and I. And I realized I was wearing, like, these khaki windbreakers. So it's just like, it was all bad, homie. And then, like, people knew something was up. I was trying to act normal. And then sweating.

B (11:16)

You were sweating?

A (11:17)

Yeah. Thankfully it wasn't like, too crazy. But. But he. The humiliating part is he wouldn't take me home. And I'm like, having to beg him. I'm like, dude, come on, bro. Finally I convinced him. He put newspapers down on the. The seat, and then he made me lean on the front dash, like, pushing me up. So. And it's like 20, 20 minutes drive home. So I'm just sitting up there like that, like, just. And people are like driving by us like, what the. What is wrong with these dudes? You know?

C (11:43)

So bad.

A (11:44)

No, it didn't sting. It wasn't like that, like, crazy. It was just. I mean, I'll say the most humiliating part was like, I couldn't get. He didn't want to give me a ride home. And then knowing that everybody in the restaurant knew something was up because he kind of made a scene. He was like, what the. Are you kidding me? And I was like, bro, like, shut the up. But I don't know, it was just. It was really embarrassing for that walk, you know, by all those people.

B (12:06)

There's such a cruelty in someone refusing to take you home. I got a brand new puppy a few years ago, and Conan o' Brien sometimes has Christmas parties. And he kindly invited me to his. And I brought the puppy with me because you can't leave a puppy of that age at home alone. And I put her down to just go for a little wee in his garden. And she just somehow, like a homing pigeon, made a direct hit for his pool. And she's so fast. She's still the fastest dog I've ever seen. She just flies at eight weeks old into his pool. And I don't know if she knows how to swim. And so I have to jump into Conan's pool in front of most of the industry in a full tuxedo where I'm like, realize that I'm being drowned by my own tuxedo to go and save this dog. I pull her out, I get her out there. Everyone comes running towards me with towels, including his son. And Larry David had been my ride there because Conan lived very, very far away and left me there. He was just like, okay, well, bye, bye. And left me there, soaking wet, freezing cold, far away from home, holding a tiny, frozen, soaking wet puppy.

C (13:19)

Larry David's not letting you in his car. That man anal as hell.

A (13:22)

He could have offered a towel to put on the seat, you know, like.

C (13:24)

Nothing, Nothing allowing you in his car.

B (13:28)

So just know that you had a better friend than Larry David, okay? Because that man literally left me hanging. And if I'd shit myself, he would have left me in that chicken restaurant. 100%. 100%. Oh, my God.

C (13:41)

I just like the way Frankie's friend was so mad. That's such a hilarious reaction.

A (13:45)

I mean, he's the one that made it embarrassing for me because he made a scene and I was like. And he's like a little Filipino homie. So he just like. Like a little Filipino homie all upset at an El Salvadorian restaurant is like, people are going to look, you know.

C (13:57)

Yeah, yeah.

B (14:01)

Oh, I'm sorry. This is a perfect insight into also how you both handle these things. We're going to be right back after a quick break, but I can't wait to hear your big wrong turns.

A (14:13)

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B (14:51)

And we're back. Okay, Steph, will you hit me with your big wrong turn? What happened?

C (14:58)

Okay, so I used to be big concert goer when I was a teenager. Still am. In Toronto in, I think it was 2013, we had something called SARS stock where a SARS flu came through the city. A lot of people got sick and were dying. So they threw on this benefit concert. The Rolling Stones, Flaming Lips, AC dc, Justin Timberlake. Massive. So I screenshot a photo of where I was standing and how many people are at this. So this is this giant Downsview park. I was so close.

B (15:29)

Oh my God. Okay, yeah, this is. What is this? A hundred? 250,000 people.

C (15:34)

200. It was the whole fucking city of Toronto. Everyone went, this is massive. It's like, it's huge. So I was right up front with three of my girlfriends. We were there all day. We had a fucking blast. So, you know, you get to the end of a concert, you gotta get the fuck outta there. You gotta go home. There's a subway station, like an underground subway that we all were like, let's get.

B (15:51)

You have to compete with 250,000 people to get onto social.

C (15:55)

So we go to the outside and we sprint. And I'm like, I got this. I see this fucking fence, like a two layer metal fence.

B (16:03)

How high?

C (16:03)

Like seven feet tall. And I go, we're hopping it. And they're like, what the fuck?

B (16:07)

Go.

C (16:07)

Fucking go. Go. Go to. You go.

A (16:09)

I'll go.

C (16:09)

And then my friend goes. Last two. My friends hop over. I hop over next. I'm wearing this skirt. Now, the brand of the skirt, I wish I still remember because I don't know if this is military grade or what the fuck. I go to jump down, the back of my skirt gets hooked on the top of the fence and I just start dangling. The skirt does not rip. My full asshole is. I'm wearing like granny panties. It's full wedgie. I've been sitting on grass all day. I have grass shards on my ass. I used to also wear this makeshift girdle because I thought I was fat. So I had this like, tank top, this tube top tucked by my ass. Picture all of these people walking and just seeing this large teenage Bulgarian woman hanging like a Muppet hanging from the fence. Like, my friends couldn't help me because they were laughing so fucking hard. This is before iPhones. If this was during an iPhone phase. I was up there for 10 minutes. Nobody can get me down. People were pointing and laughing with their families. And then I finally. My friend finally fucking came up and they, like a guy had to help her down and bring me down. They laughed the whole subway. People were pointing at me. I was like, I tried to do something and just. It was. I also have a hairy ass because I'm very Bulgarian. So my whole body's hairy. It was just this hairy, flat, gross ass hanging out for. It's the dangling, though. I'm not like, I'm trying to, like, do you know? Like, I guess I picture like a Muppet with no out of hand in it. How it's like so. And I was just like, somebody help me. And like, nobody helped me. I'm. I'm guessing at least. At least 10,000 people saw it. At least.

B (17:50)

Oh my God.

C (17:51)

Because they were all lucky. You were so lucky.

B (17:55)

That didn't go viral.

C (17:58)

If it was this day and age, it would. I'd be fucked.

B (18:01)

It would be a Wikipedia photo.

C (18:03)

How did this.

B (18:04)

Because the public always choose the worst photo of us for our Wikipedia.

C (18:07)

It was just like. And I couldn't, like, I had no upper body strength, so I couldn't get my hands up. My whole body was dangling forward, so I just looked like it was a Mariana puppet with the strings cut. That's what I looked like with my eyes.

B (18:19)

It's like a Ben Stiller movie. It was so fucking humiliating. A nightmarish. And you're a teenager.

C (18:26)

I was a teenager. And worst part, worst part, I was through my goth phase. So I had like a dog collar on and my homemade armbands and these big skate shoes. I was just like trying to look.

B (18:38)

All scary and intimidating. Yeah.

C (18:41)

Mortifying.

B (18:41)

Oh, that is fucking horrifying.

C (18:43)

And I still to this day think about the people who saw that and it really. It does haunt me.

B (18:48)

How many minutes would you say you were up there for?

C (18:51)

Probably 10, 15. They couldn't get me down.

B (18:53)

Insane.

C (18:54)

It was so long.

B (18:55)

Because that's actually unsafe as well.

C (18:57)

It was unsafe. And the skirt. I guess they kept thinking the skirt was gonna rip and it wasn't. Fuck ripping. I mean, it probably in. In probably reality it was five minutes. But in my head it felt like, you know when. When something that embarrassing is happening for that long.

B (19:10)

No, but also it takes time for your friend to go and get help from the guy and then the guy to figure out, well, there were so many guys laughing.

C (19:16)

Everyone was pointing and laughing. Nobody could help.

B (19:18)

They were too. I hope they all got that SARS bug that they went there in tribute of. I hope, I hope it struck them all down.

C (19:26)

I same. But there was too many people.

B (19:28)

The thing about Steph stories is that they're always so vivid and picturesque. This is why I can't believe anyone would ever think you make these things up. Because it's the specificity.

C (19:38)

I have friends that will vouch for the story too.

B (19:39)

Yeah, 100% will tell that there's more than just your friends who can vouch for this.

C (19:44)

So anybody who saw that me dangling. God.

B (19:47)

Oh my God. If anyone listening happened to see a Bulgarian teenager hanging upside down in Toronto decades ago, please, Downsy park write in. Let us know. I'd love, please, you send us your photographs taken on a real old fashioned.

C (20:05)

Olympus camera or like the Nokia.

B (20:08)

Those, of course. Oh, Jesus Christ. Congratulations for making out of that and then going into a public career. I'm very proud of you for not allowing that to turn you into a hermit.

C (20:22)

My friends Laughed, I think the entire way. Like, they were just like. They've never seen anything funnier in their life.

B (20:26)

How soon was it before you could laugh? Is it still not happening?

C (20:29)

It took a bit.

B (20:30)

It took a bit because even now it's a serious. It's a serious retelling of the story.

C (20:37)

I hate feeling so, like, you know.

B (20:39)

Helpless.

C (20:40)

Yeah, very helpless.

B (20:40)

100%.

C (20:41)

I think being helpless might be one of the most highest forms of embarrassment.

B (20:45)

Oh, fuck me. Thank you for that story, Frankie. Do you want to hit me with your wrong turn, your big one?

A (20:51)

Oh, my gosh. I'm not just gonna top that, but I would say, I mean, I think most comics have, like, the worst set they've ever had, like, in their life, but mine was, like, pretty bad. And it was a long time ago, but I was like, I was doing this room up in the Bay Area where I started comedy. And it was like this og, like East Oakland dudes, like, birthday, you know, it's an all black crowd, which is kind of how I started. So I was comfortable, but I had them for like the first 10 minutes. And then I used to do this bit about like a gay gangster hip hop group. Like, what if there was a gay gangster hip hop group? And da, da, da. And like black and Latino rooms are like, known to be like, can be homophobic, you know, but they would either rock with me on this thing or not. And these people just turned on me and I couldn't get them back. But dude, it was so bad. Like, it got so quiet in there. This one dude, like this pimp ass dude with his gator skin shoes, like, hiked his pants up, stood up and he goes, you ain't funny. And then like, I just pants down, sat back down, and I was just up there like, oh, okay, yeah, just, you know, going to my next joke.

C (21:52)

Oh, God.

A (21:52)

Dead silent, dude.

B (21:53)

And then like, there's nothing worse than going. If you start in silence and then silence maintains, that's already painful. But if you go from laughter and having them to silence, that must be excruciating.

A (22:07)

Yeah, I mean, the physical feeling I had in my body just, you know.

B (22:12)

I can only imagine it being like someone making like moaning positive sounds when you're going down on them and then suddenly just going completely silent and you're like, oh, no, I've. I've lost it. I've misplaced it. Yeah.

A (22:24)

Like, what happened? I thought I was killing it.

B (22:26)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, sorry. So, okay, so this, this big pimp dressed man says, you're not Funny.

A (22:32)

Yeah.

B (22:33)

Do people chime in? Do you. Does anyone boo? Or is it just that?

A (22:37)

And then more kind of just like a. Like a hum of agreement after he sat down.

B (22:42)

Fuck.

A (22:43)

And like. And then I'm like. And then. So I go continue. And there was these two nice older black women sitting up front. They look. They look like nice people, you know, like they're good moms or whatever. And one of them just says, baby, you look scared. And it was like, so silent that everybody could.

B (22:59)

Kindness.

A (23:02)

She was just being honest, you know?

C (23:03)

But I was like. I was like, dude, oh, my God.

A (23:08)

I couldn't. I was like, just get through the jokes, dude. And then. And I had the odd. Like. It was just like, oh, man. The physical feeling I had in my body. Like I was sick, you know, like scared. And I had the audacity to hang out after the show. Like, what? Yeah, I was kicking it, dude. After standing there and the. That I. You know, like one. One guy came up to the dude that came up before me. He's like, you should have stayed up there and then walked away. Another dude comes up to me and goes, practice, practice. And it walks away. And I was like, ah, thanks for.

C (23:39)

Coming, you know, I can't believe you stayed. What is your problem? I don't know.

B (23:46)

I thought.

A (23:46)

Honestly, I think subconscious. He's like, you got to wear this all the way through because this is going to be like. And. And. And, dude, I was like scared to get on stage for like a month after, but finally I got through it. But, you know, now I take that set with me to this day, like, when I go on stage, just it, you know, to keep you humble. But that was like. That was like, so bad, dude. I was like, yeah, yeah. I couldn't Just. The physical feeling I remember having just.

B (24:11)

I think the worst part of that was not the man who was rude. Because at least with rudeness, you can maybe come back at it or you can heckle back or you can stand up for yourself. But when a kind older woman tells you that you look scared, that is. That there's no. There's no coming back from that. I don't even think Anthony Jeselnik himself could roast someone back, never mind a young comedian who's being nice about it.

C (24:38)

Well. Cause at that point too, like, you can't be mean because they are being nice. Like, they're not trying. Like, I had a couple walk out on me, an older black couple in Raleigh, North Carolina, and I was bo. It was not good. I was bombing quite bad. And They. I don't know why, but the woman, I guess, had emptied out her entire purse, so she took so long to leave, and she was just slamming. And I was like. And everyone was watching them leave, and I just had to watch them walk. It took them, like, 15 minutes to leave. All right, get my stuff. And she's, like, grabbing her husband, and they were, like, so loud. Okay, okay, honey. And I was like, oh, my God. And everyone was, like, watching them. And I was like, I can't say anything. They clearly got free tickets, and they shouldn't have been at my show. It was a nightmare. I can't be mean.

B (25:23)

This is why I have so much respect for what you both do. It's the fucking front lines of comedy. And I can't fucking believe how hard people are on stand up when no one. No one should even actually be brave enough to do that. There's something wrong with all of you. To be able to even withstand that level of. To, like, contain that level of stoicism is outrageous. It's inhuman. It's incredible.

C (25:44)

It is mental illness.

B (25:46)

I was gonna say mental fortitude, but sure, we can. We can pick and choose. But for someone to dare to come up to a comic afterwards and go practice, practice, as if that hadn't occurred to you, as if this was. As if you just been winging it on that fucking stage, is so arrogant and so foul, and everyone just thinks they. They'd be able to do it. You know what I mean? And everyone thinks they do a better job. It's. It brings out something so strange in people. I can't believe it. I'm very proud of you for getting back up there and continued.

C (26:22)

I would have. I can't believe you stayed already home. When I have a bad set, I'm in the car before the next person even finishes my intro. I'm done. I'm. It's over.

B (26:31)

Can you leave during a set, or do you have to wait till that light goes?

C (26:36)

If I was bombing that bad, I'll leave. I won't do my time.

B (26:39)

Do you get into trouble if you don't do your time?

C (26:42)

No.

A (26:43)

You could sometimes by the person that's paying you because they're like, yo, you know, I'm paying you to do 20 minutes and you got off at 15 or whatever. Like, there's. Yeah, you can. You get into trouble that way. But the set's going that bad. You could just be like, I don't even care if I get. I shouldn't get paid for this.

C (27:02)

And if I'm like, if. If I'm not getting paid and I'm bombing, I'm leaving. I don't care. Or if it's like, $120, I'm like, bye. I don't need to be here right now.

B (27:09)

I think it's incredibly cute that you just thought that somehow it's admitting defeat if you leave and you're clawing back your dignity if you stay. I think that's very sweet. It's very misguided, Frankie, if I'm honest, it's deeply misguided. For anyone listening, I think that is not the move. But I find you incredibly endearing for doing so. Oh, God. Would you do that again? Now, would you leave or would you stay?

A (27:37)

No, I would leave now. This was, like, you know, well over a decade ago. But I'm glad I stayed that night, though.

B (27:43)

Well, because you learned about practicing, so thank God for all that advice that you got.

A (27:49)

But I. Yeah, I just needed that night to really sink in, you know? But, yeah, it was good. I needed to go through that.

B (27:58)

I don't think I've ever been quite in that situation before. I've bombed on live television where, like, the teleprompter has blown off the top of the camera into the sea, that sort of thing. Because I've been, like, a live TV host, and I've experienced, like, physical disaster or hail sometimes hitting the ground so hard that it then goes up my skirt and hits me in the pussy. So I'm, like, live on television. I've got. Because England, we used to present in this place called Western Super Mare, which is, like, this strange phenomena on the planet. Listen, it's not the most glamorous part of England. It's the kindest way I can put that to the point where you go into most of the hotels and there's, like, literal blood stains on the wall. This is where they chose to film this show every year because it was cheap because of all the blood stains everywhere. And there's, like, a crazy weather pattern where you're getting burnt by the sun and hit by hailstones and rained upon, and there's seven directions of wind all at the same time while you're trying to host live. And that's why the teleprompter flew off, off the top of the camera into the sea. And a member of our crew had to lie down on the floor to hold me down by my ankles because they were scared I was gonna fly off the top of this platform into the sea as well.

C (29:17)

But are you just bragging of how thin you are. Shut up. I had to be held down.

B (29:23)

Was, was, was. But that's a fair catch. But I was 22 and we were all at risk of blowing away at some point at that age. But yeah, no, I'm gonna go fuck myself.

C (29:34)

I was dangling from a goddamn fence and nobody could get me off. I actually cannot relate.

B (29:39)

So skinny that gravity didn't even break your skirt. Your tiny micro mini just held.

A (29:45)

Oh, no.

C (29:45)

It was a large body hanging.

B (29:47)

Oh, man. Oh, thank God we're getting older and we can be further and further away from these stories. I'm going to be 40 in two months and I can't wait just to draw a line under my humiliating 20s and 30s. I'm so ready for a dignified 40s, even though I know it's not going to come because this is the era of the menopause.

C (30:05)

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

B (30:07)

I'm fine.

C (30:08)

40S, almost worse. Yeah, yeah. I have embarrassment every day of my life.

B (30:12)

Great. Thank you. Thank you for that, those words of encouragement. We're going to go to a quick break. We'll be right back up to this. And we are back. Before you two wonderful humans go, we have excellent audience members who like to give us their humiliating stories, and I would like to read one for you now. This is from Lisa. So Lisa says, when I was a sophomore in high school, I used to fall asleep in geometry every single time. My biggest secret crush was Andrew, who sat close by. One day I fell asleep and woke up only when my friend Joni told me I had to wake up and stop talking. Most of the class was laughing and some had their hands over their mouths. Even Joni was blushing. Class ends. Everyone leaves, and I turn to Joni and I ask what happened? And she said, I was talking in my sleep, quietly at first, and I was clearly having a sex dream where I said Andrew's name and warned him that someone's gonna catch us. She said she finally shook me awake after a few moans of pleasure. I never took it further with Andrew in real life, but I sort of have an idea of what it would have been like. Oh, bless you. Jesus Christ, Lisa. That's so.

C (31:35)

Her friend's a bitch. What the hell? She let her go for that long, I would have been like, she's orgasming in the dream. She's moaning. That's crazy. That's insane. That's a bad thing.

B (31:47)

Yeah, 100%.

C (31:49)

Also, my God, I wish I had those dreams. I'm just. Every dream I'm getting raped and pillaged. I'm like a sex dream. Wouldn't that be nice?

B (31:56)

You're being breastfed.

C (31:59)

I would rather that as a dream. Oh, my God.

B (32:01)

Ah, you're right. I don't have any sexy dreams. I'm also a sleepwalker, which is a nightmare, so I have very vivid movement dreams. I leave the house. For some reason, I'm drawn to local petrol stations. So you can find me there in the middle of the night. Yeah. Since I was like five years old, I used to have to be locked, triple locked into the house. Fire brigades used to have to be called. I woke up in the middle of the night and started hiding all of mine and my boyfriend's most important documents, thinking that somehow the. The press are staying in the house with us and they're looking through all of our stuff. But I would then forget. I would not remember this dream the morning after. And then one time, James had a flight to fucking Japan and his passport with his visa's missing and I have no idea why I would know where it is. And of course I had hidden it and he missed his flight.

C (33:00)

Oh, my God.

B (33:01)

Because I made him so late. Because I had lost all of our documents, I finally, I was able to find them because we don't have a very large apartment, but. Jesus fucking Christ.

A (33:09)

I would rather wake up, though, and you're like, hide the documents, get to the gas station. Like that's where you go when you sleepwalk.

B (33:16)

You can see that's like, therefore not fun. Sexy, cool dreams. One of our best friends has the craziest sex dreams ever. And he was, you know, like, it's the loudest. There's no. Oh, maybe they're just flirting. He's like, ah, you like that? You like that? And he's giggling and he's fucking in the dream. And one of our friends had to share a bed with him for like a month because that was just our rental situation that we had and it was really traumatizing. And he still has sleep issues now because of everything he's heard. Are you a sleep talker, Frankie?

A (33:57)

Yes. Are you talking my seat? But I don't talk. I don't. I've never heard that I've gotten sexual or anything like that. But I had a friend of mine who was like, almost fought one of my old roommates and I had no idea, though. Like, you like, I woke up and I just was like, no idea. He was. I guess I passed out on the couch and he was just trying to take my shoes off for Me and be a nice person. But I guess I got up and I told him, this ain't no garage sale, and whatever that means. Garage sale. And then he's like. I got in his face. And the next morning, we're in the kitchen, he's like, being very, like, standoffish, and I'm like, hey, good morning. You know, like. And then he told me what happened, and I was like, dude, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. But he said. I just kept telling him, this ain't no garage sale. Like, don't treat me this way. But I don't.

C (34:44)

Hell, Maya.

B (34:46)

My boyfriend punched me in the back really, really hard in his sleep. And he did martial arts for, like, almost a decade when he was younger, so he has a perfect, perfect form Punch. He's also 6 foot 8, so you can imagine the strength and power in this man. I was sleeping with my back to him, and I wake up to just feeling like I've been hit by a fucking car. And I turn around, I'm like, what the fuck? And I turn around, and he's sleeping, just still in, like, a superhero punch. Like, perfectly ready with the other hand, ready to protect himself in case I hit him back.

C (35:20)

Oh, my God, you guys have such good REM sleeps. This is insane.

A (35:25)

Yeah, I woke up one time choking my girlfriend at the time.

C (35:30)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

A (35:32)

She was, like, slapping, like, wake me up. She's like, hey. And I was. Woke up, like, oh, it was scary. But also, she likes to be choked when we were, you know, having sex.

B (35:43)

But. So maybe it was a sexy dream. Jesus Christ.

A (35:46)

But that was scary, though, because that's. I don't remember having a dream. I just remember waking up to her sleep.

C (35:51)

Strangling is scary.

B (35:52)

That is scary.

A (35:55)

Thankfully, it never happened again, so I was like, all right. I don't know what that was.

C (35:57)

Yeah, like, if I fart, my boyfriend's like, what was that? And I'm like. Like, I can't even breathe. I can't move. If the dog lips her lips, he's like, someone's in the house. I'm like, it's the dog. She fucking goes up to bed, it's a nightmare. Every sound, someone's in the house. Every sound, he wakes up, you can't do anything. I can't sniff.

B (36:19)

No strangling for Steph's boyfriend.

C (36:21)

No strangling, no sniffing, no farting.

B (36:22)

Before you guys go, can you tell me quickly where everyone can find you, what you want them to see and listen to and watch?

C (36:30)

I Met Steph Tolev on Instagram, all my tour dates. Got a huge tour coming up. I'm even coming overseas if you live overseas. And my podcast stuff, Infection, that Frankie has also done.

A (36:43)

Yeah, yeah.

B (36:44)

And I'm gonna come in.

C (36:45)

You're gonna come do it.

B (36:46)

Yeah, 100%. And Frankie.

A (36:49)

Yeah, just at Frankie Quinones or just Google comedian Frankie Q because nobody can spell Quinones. And then please watch Damn, that's crazy on Hulu or Disney plus, please watch Creeper's Crib on YouTube and you can find Creeper at Cholofit, Creeper on Instagram or TikTok. That's it.

C (37:06)

Thank you.

B (37:07)

Oh, thank you. All right, well, Frankie Quinones, Steph Tolev and Lisa. Oh, fabulous listener. Thank you so much for your great stories. I adore you all. I feel cheered up now. Thank you. I feel better about my own personal decisions. That's the point of this show. I love you lots and I'll see you soon. Thank you. Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com youm can find full length videos of our episodes on YouTube. And don't forget to subscribe, like review wherever you get your podcasts and tell your friends about us. And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now. Bye.

A (38:08)

New Year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps plus fries and a medium soft drink for just $8 for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California. And for delivery.