← Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil
Loading summary
Transcript357 lines
- [00:00]
Monday.com Advertiser
Close your eyes. Focus. Listen to work getting done with Monday.com relax as AI does the manual work. While your teams are aligned on a single source of truth, Feel the sensation of an AI work platform so flexible and intuitive it feels like it was built just for you. Notice you're limitless, limitless, limitless. Now open your eyes. Go to Monday.com, start for free, and finally, breathe.
- [00:30]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
When people talk about energy recovery and performance, they usually jump straight to training, protein or supplements. But one of the most overlooked pieces is gut Health. If your gut is not dialed, everything else struggles to work the way it should. That is where Momentous Fiber plus comes in. When gut health is not dialed in, other supplements and training habits don't work as well. You can be doing everything else right, but without a strong foundation, results fall short. Fiber is often the missing link. That's why Momentous believes in a relentless commitment to fundamentals and doing them differently than they have ever been done. Fiber plus is built to support the entire gut health process, not just one piece of it. And if a product doesn't meet their standard, it never hits the shelves. Right now, Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code Acast. Head to livemomentous.com and use promo code Acast for up to 35% off your first Order. That's livemomentous.com promo code Acast.
- [01:42]
Jameela Jamil
Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is the show where dignity goes to die, where I bring on my favorite funny people and they tell me stories that they swore they would otherwise take to the grave. Joining me this week we have an actor, comedian, producer and award winning writer from Hacks Bros. The Mindy Project and connecting his book is My Life as a Goddess Memoir Through Unpopular Culture. It's Guy motherfucking Branham. Hello.
- [02:04]
Guy Branham
Hello. Good to be here. Thank you for having me dream.
- [02:07]
Jameela Jamil
Thank you for being here. I love you so much. You know I've loved you for the longest time. In fact, I believe yours was one of the first ever podcasts I ever appeared on.
- [02:16]
Guy Branham
Yes.
- [02:17]
Jameela Jamil
And that was when I first first moved to Los Angeles back in like 2014 or something.
- [02:22]
Guy Branham
Yes. Our producer, who is now one of your producers, Colin Anderson, was like, I have this friend from Britain. She's so fun, she's so funny. You have to have her on. And then I got to meet Jameela Jamil with a very good story about meeting the Queen.
- [02:34]
Jameela Jamil
Oh my God. And how big her boobs were. Yes. And I was explaining to Guy, I Think I just remember this about how, like, they always photograph her just from the shoulders up.
- [02:44]
X Mayo
No, I never knew she had big titty.
- [02:46]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah, her titty game was crazy. Crazy.
- [02:49]
X Mayo
Think about me. Great humanities. Literally, Literally. Literally.
- [02:53]
Jameela Jamil
I think she would actually leave you behind in the dance. Absolutely.
- [02:57]
X Mayo
When we bow down and I was
- [02:58]
Jameela Jamil
telling Guy that it was really difficult to not say something in the moment, but it looked.
- [03:02]
X Mayo
She's short too, right? Yeah.
- [03:04]
Jameela Jamil
It was really just like. But I'm gonna stop making this gesture. Cause that's.
- [03:08]
X Mayo
No, I love it.
- [03:09]
Jameela Jamil
That's a deceased queen of my country. But I mean it with the highest respect. But, yes, that is the first time we met.
- [03:17]
Guy Branham
Yes. And then have enjoyed watching you go on to so much success and joy.
- [03:22]
Jameela Jamil
Oh, likewise. And loving you. And Plat. As I was saying. And I am also thrilled to welcome a comedian, a writer, a producer, and actress from Lute, the Daily Show, Freakier Friday, and many, many things. Soon she will appear on the reboot of Scrubs. It's X motherfucking Mayo. Hello. Hello.
- [03:38]
X Mayo
Oh, my God, I'm so happy to be here. Also, Guy, you know, Chelsea lately raised me, so I was, like, so very, very, very excited to do this podcast with you.
- [03:46]
Guy Branham
Well, let me. Yes.
- [03:46]
Jameela Jamil
She's not here for me.
- [03:47]
X Mayo
No. You're very talented and hot. But, like, Guy, like, it was like, I'm, like, born and raised in church. My mother did not like. It was like, a very sneaky, naughty thing to, like, sneak and watch Chelsea lately. And, like, I watched it.
- [04:04]
Jameela Jamil
I used to watch it from England so much with big crushes.
- [04:07]
Guy Branham
But I just got to see Freakier Friday, which, like, I didn't know what to expect. And it was so much fun, and it was so good.
- [04:14]
X Mayo
Reboots are hard. Or, like, not a re. Was it a reboot? It's a sequel.
- [04:17]
Guy Branham
Yeah.
- [04:17]
X Mayo
So I'm looking at the white man to guide me. What is it? It's a sequel. Yeah, a sequel. You are white, Stuart. It's okay. It's okay. You straight whites aren't doing too well right now, but it's okay, girl. But yeah, it's a sequel.
- [04:32]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah, it's a sequel. You had my co star from the Good Place, Manny Jacinto, in that film.
- [04:37]
Guy Branham
It took me so long to realize that was him.
- [04:39]
Jameela Jamil
I know. He's so much hotter when he's allowed to be hot.
- [04:43]
Guy Branham
No. And the thing is, truly, during the golden age of Filipino himbos on television was really bringing it to the table. And him playing disgusting. I was like. I was shook.
- [04:55]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
Yeah.
- [04:56]
Jameela Jamil
I'VE described him as someone who, when he walks towards me, I can only hear violins play. And, you know people who are so hot that everything they do feels like it's in slow motion.
- [05:07]
X Mayo
Yeah.
- [05:07]
Jameela Jamil
And slowly, but it's not. He's moving at a normal pace.
- [05:09]
X Mayo
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [05:10]
Jameela Jamil
But I see everything in slow motion.
- [05:12]
X Mayo
Ooh, yeah. And he's so sweet. Oh, my gosh. So I only got to work with him for like, a day, but he was the most divine and just so giving and kind and, like, just. He's so serious and I'm an idiot. So it was just like between scenes and stuff, like, talking to him, like, making him laugh. That was just like the best thing ever.
- [05:29]
Jameela Jamil
Oh, totally. And he's also not serious at all. He just hides it for ages. It took several years to, like, break out the clown in him. But, you know, he's also like a break dancer.
- [05:38]
X Mayo
No.
- [05:39]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah, he was a professional dancer and like, hip hop and everything before he became an actor. This fucking guy. And he's one of the best improv comedy improv I've ever met. Like, we have to kill him. We have to stop him, and we have to take him the fuck down. So we are here to talk about disaster. Right? Okay. This show is for the people who don't know how to make lemonade out of lemons, you know? This is for the people who can't always find the silver lining. Sometimes shit just happens. Are you shit just happens, people, or do you go out of your way to avoid shit happening to you?
- [06:12]
X Mayo
I think I go out of my way to avoid you resist. Yeah, I think I embrace. Yeah, I think stuff. Stuff can happen. But I'm somebody. Like, if Jamila says, like, don't touch that, you will burn. I'm not gonna touch it. You know what I'm saying? Like, I really love.
- [06:28]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah, yeah.
- [06:30]
X Mayo
I lick, I throw it in the air, do a little dance. But yeah, I love to know. Like, give me all of the context and then allow me to make the decision. And more oftentimes than not, I'm like, okay, I won't do it.
- [06:41]
Jameela Jamil
Okay.
- [06:42]
X Mayo
Yeah.
- [06:42]
Jameela Jamil
What do you like in bed?
- [06:44]
X Mayo
I'm not sexually active person.
- [06:48]
Jameela Jamil
Okay.
- [06:48]
X Mayo
I haven't had many partners. I've only had two.
- [06:50]
Jameela Jamil
You know why that is, don't you? You've probably investigated too much data and it's put you off. Understandably.
- [06:56]
X Mayo
Yeah, well.
- [06:57]
Jameela Jamil
Cause the rest of us are just jumping in like, ah. Yeah.
- [06:59]
X Mayo
Well, the thing is, I think it's the way that I'm wired. Like, I really wish I had the tenacity of a slut.
- [07:05]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah.
- [07:05]
X Mayo
I think my friends who are like sexually liberated and they have all these amazing sexual experiences. They could fuck men in Germany and Australia, fuck em on a plane. I'm like, that sounds so exciting. But I'm like, I want to know about you and I cannot.
- [07:18]
Jameela Jamil
I'm the same. I won't kiss before three months. Yeah.
- [07:20]
X Mayo
I need to be emotionally like invested and attached. And then I'm like, I get germy and then people be lying and then there's diseases, there's sti. You know, So I just, I get too in my head and I'm just like, I can't even enjoy this. Like, oh, I see. You let me have my way with you. Sorry guys. I know I keep touching you. I hope that's okay.
- [07:36]
Guy Branham
No, it's lovely. We all need oxytocin.
- [07:39]
X Mayo
You're too far otherwise. Grabbing you. Grabbing you as well. But yeah, I think, yeah, you know too much. Yeah, I know too much.
- [07:46]
Jameela Jamil
This is why God didn't want Adam and Eve to eat the apple. That was it. Because it gets in the fucking way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. What about you, guy? A life of disaster or a life of dignity?
- [07:55]
Guy Branham
I mean, the thing is, I'm also no dignity. Like very much no dignity. I'm very much a book learning person and like reticent to a point and like I want to book learn as much as I can before I go into something, but I'm also somebody who likes swimming in the ocean and understands that like waves come and those waves are going to take you somewhere. I am very much somebody who is like, you know, I am a gay man who is lucky enough to live in a time when we have drugs to avoid most of the real problems. And if you get something, a simple shot will take care of it. And so let's learn some things that way. And have I made some terrible choices? 100%. Um, but I hope I've learned from most of them, the ones that I remember.
- [08:33]
Jameela Jamil
I'm sure you have. Why don't you tell me some of those terrible decisions and mistakes now what are your micro wrong turns?
- [08:40]
Guy Branham
Okay, so one from when I was in fifth grade, I was reading the Judy Blume book. Then again, maybe I won't. I had read my sister's like my sister had all of these like books. She was five years older than me.
- [08:53]
Jameela Jamil
Judy Bloom, sexy writing.
- [08:55]
Guy Branham
She wrote like the big American first period book.
- [08:59]
Jameela Jamil
Okay, so Coming of Age, Are youe There?
- [09:01]
Guy Branham
God, it's me, Margaret. And then she wrote a book for about boys. And famously she was like, I don't feel comfortable writing about someone over 12, but I want to write a book about a boy having a nocturnal emission. And so she went to a doctor and this is the 60s, and was like, could a 12 year old boy have nocturnal emissions? And the doctor was like, just make him Italian. But
- [09:24]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
I.
- [09:25]
Guy Branham
So I was reading I hate you so much. So I was just reading this book that I thought was like, you know, a class investigation of what it means when you move from like inner city Brooklyn to the suburbs of Queens or maybe New Jersey was involved. I forget. But the point is, is I came to the part where I had a wet dream and I didn't know what that meant. And so I marched up to the front of my combination fifth and sixth grade class and asked my teacher, Mrs. Tomlinson, what a wet dream was in front of the class, in front of the whole class, full voice, not knowing it meant anything scandalous. And then the entire class laughed at me. And then my mom was the cafeteria lady at the school, and so Mrs. Tomlinson just sent me into the little cafeteria lady office that my mom had and she had to explain what a wet dream was to me. And then everyone made fun of me for the remainder of the year.
- [10:14]
Jameela Jamil
Oh, sweet. But also, who are all these little hoes who just knew what it was immediately exactly.
- [10:20]
Guy Branham
To make fun of you sexually mature sixth graders, you know?
- [10:24]
Jameela Jamil
Exactly. Nocturnal emissions is now the only thing I will ever refer to it as. But then I'm gonna text James later, being like, do you wanna have a little noct internal omission with me?
- [10:37]
Guy Branham
But then later I was able to make very bad choices just on my own terms, not as a naive child. When I was in law school, like I went to a year of law school and was just like depressed and sad and didn't understand why. And then I was like, well, I know how we can start solving this problem has all come out of the closet and then this will make everything better. But it turns out it didn't make everything better. And I got the first crush of my life. I had never, like, I'd never been able to like, fully put together sexual desire and emotions because I was like doing that closety thing in my head and then just sort of like, along with the depression and dissatisfaction and like, discomfort, my parents not being great and all of this, for the first time ever, I just had like a terrible crush. There was one gay guy in my law school cohort and he was like super tall and attractive and I just couldn't think about anything other than him. And I was like, really annoying and really obsessive. And then finally, I think it was my birthday party. He was just like. He had like two drinks in him and he was like, look, never gonna be into you. Like, you just need to stop this. And then I went home and like crashed in to like melty depression and then wrote an 11 page letter about the depression I was going through and about what an impossible situation this was and what an asshole this guy was. And then I sent this 11 page email to everyone in my address book. Professors, like, class. Wait, wait, no, no, 100%. I was just like, I'm going through it. The world must know. Like, there's the Julio Torres sketch for
- [12:12]
Jameela Jamil
like, is it like, this is your 13th reason? Like, is this what this is?
- [12:16]
Guy Branham
No, but it was 100%. It was like, this bitch might be close to taking her own life. Like, we are in a bad situation. And so rather than internalize this violence, I will externalize it.
- [12:30]
Fin AI Advertiser
Verball.
- [12:32]
Jameela Jamil
That's actually weirdly the healthiest thing I've ever had.
- [12:36]
X Mayo
And you made art and you shared it and baby, I'm not going into 11 pages when I'm depressed and somebody dissed me. I'm not going. I'm gonna give a cute little three read line. But you really went into like fucking Moby Dick mode.
- [12:47]
Guy Branham
Like, I have it saved in my Yahoo mail account and I've truly never read it since.
- [12:52]
Jameela Jamil
Oh my God.
- [12:52]
Guy Branham
And I'm so terrified.
- [12:54]
X Mayo
And you're gonna read it right now on this podcast.
- [12:57]
Jameela Jamil
No, wait, okay, so just. I need to know the aftermath of this. Okay, so you write the letter and then do you at any point feel any kind of sinking fuck?
- [13:10]
Guy Branham
Like, I was already in a sunk fuck situation, right? Of just like, I don't know.
- [13:16]
Jameela Jamil
So there was no, like waking up the morning after being like, should I have done that?
- [13:20]
Guy Branham
Like, it.
- [13:22]
Jameela Jamil
I mean, no, no, you're just such a healthy girl. Like, my God, this is so great.
- [13:27]
Guy Branham
I think it was just like, I was just like, okay, I have to make an appointment with campus mental health services. And then I went on Celexa and slept for a month, you know, and then just sort of like, was.
- [13:38]
Jameela Jamil
Did people reply though?
- [13:40]
Guy Branham
Yes. And like that part was embarrassing. So like I was like a 24 year old law school second year in this like coming out group that was being run by, by like undergrad sophomores. And like these little. They were like salt and pepper shaker like gay boy and lesbian who ran it, both from Wisconsin. And they were like, are you okay? And like all of the people. Because Minnesotans don't know how to deal with big emotions. Not unlike the people of your fine islands. And so they were all, like, scared that I had expressed so much. Very Jewish emotion. And they didn't quite know how to deal with it. But they were all. I mean, my line is always that. Cause I was in Minnesota for law school, that Californians will hug you but not help you, and Minnesotans will help you but not hug you.
- [14:28]
X Mayo
And so it was absolutely not. I would love that. I'm from Los Angeles, South Central Inglewood.
- [14:34]
Jameela Jamil
You hugged me as soon as you walked in.
- [14:35]
X Mayo
I don't play that. I will hug you and help you. And that was my issue in New York. They were like, you're too fucking nice. You need to relax. Somebody's gonna rob you. So, yeah, no, we will hug you and help you. I don't agree with that guy.
- [14:47]
Guy Branham
That's fair. That's fair.
- [14:48]
Jameela Jamil
Maybe he means the white California.
- [14:51]
X Mayo
Yes. Right, Jamila?
- [14:53]
Guy Branham
Okay, we'll take that once for work. I had to live in New York for a year. And at the end of the year, I, like, went into a pret a manger and I ordered a coffee. And the person said, what? I said, iced coffee. And they said, what? And I said, iced coffee. And then they presented me with two iced coffees. And then I started to yell at them and I was like, you must leave New York. New York is in your blood now. And you must get back to California.
- [15:18]
Jameela Jamil
I remember the moment I decided to leave England, it was like 2014, and I was in supermarket and it was Whole Foods had just opened up, which is an American brand. And I think they tried to bring their American ethos to London, which was a fucking huge mistake because the people working behind the till were just so friendly and, like, asking loads of questions. And this guy just said to me, and this is totally normal and nice, and I'm the villain here. But he was just like, got any Easter plans? And in my little vile London brain, I was like, fuck off.
- [15:53]
X Mayo
What the fuck?
- [15:55]
Jameela Jamil
And he's like, I hope you have a great week. I was like, fuck off. In my brain. I didn't say it out loud, but I got to the end of the. Before I even walked out the door, I was like, I've become a horrific person inside. I was like, england has rotted me to my core. To the point where someone being nice just only breeds suspicion and vitriol in me. So that's why I moved to California, to lighten the fuck up a little bit. No.
- [16:19]
X Mayo
Yeah, that's what happened in New York. There was one girl, I walked into CVS, it was 7am and I was just like, good morning. She was like, we went to high school together. And I was like, no, I'm just saying good morning. She's like, do I know you? And I was like, no, I'm just saying, good morning. She was like, why? And I was just like, these fucking. I was like, oh, I am not in Kansas anymore. That was like, My first 90 days in New York. And I had to get a crash course and then understand that when winter came, I was like, okay, I'd be a bitch, too. When, like, there was, like, a pregnant woman who pushed me, I was like, oh, it's fair game. Like, don't nobody give a fuck out here. And it's like, it's not intentional. It's not, like, mean. It's just the energy and the vibe that they have there. And I do appreciate the directness.
- [17:01]
Jameela Jamil
It's the same in London. Like, someone farts in your face on the tube before 8 o' clock in the morning. It's like, of course everyone's pissed.
- [17:07]
X Mayo
Yeah.
- [17:07]
Jameela Jamil
Do you know what I mean? We're crammed in like salmon.
- [17:09]
Guy Branham
The tube is just people trying to use telekinesis to stop other people from talking to them. Like, it is just everyone trying to create barriers against the world.
- [17:18]
Jameela Jamil
100%.
- [17:19]
X Mayo
Yes.
- [17:19]
Jameela Jamil
We'll be right back after this break.
- [17:25]
Fin AI Advertiser
AI is transforming customer service. It's real and it works. And with fin, we've built the number one AI agent for customer service. We're seeing lots of cases where it's solving up to 90% of real queries for real businesses. This includes the real world, complex stuff like issuing a refund or canceling an order. And we also see it when FIN goes up against competitors. It's top of all the performance benchmarks, top of the G2 leaderboard. And if you're not happy, we'll refund you up to a million dollars, which I think says it all. Check it out for yourself.
- [17:53]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
At fin, AI, when people talk about energy recovery and performance, they usually jump straight to training, protein or supplements. But one of the most overlooked pieces is gut health. If your gut is not dialed, everything else struggles to work the way it should. That is where momentous Fiber plus comes in. When gut health is not dialed in, other supplements and training habits don't work as well. You can be Doing everything else right, but without a strong foundation, results fall short. Fiber is often the missing link. That's why Momentous believes in a relentless commitment to fundamentals and doing them differently than they have ever been done. Fiber plus is built to support the entire gut health process, not just one piece of it. And if a product doesn't meet their standard, it never hits the shelves. Right now, Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code Acast. Head to livemomentous.com and use promo code Acast for up to 35% off your first Order. That's livemomentous.com, promo code Acast.
- [18:55]
The RealReal Advertiser
So you're running out of closet space. The good news, you don't need to stop shopping. You just need to start selling with the RealReal. The RealReal is the world's largest and most trusted resource for authenticated luxury resale. Whether it's that mini bag that can't even fit your phone or those boots you never fully broke in, the RealReal handles everything from photography and copywriting to shipping and pricing. So you can just sit back, get paid, and make room for things that actually feel like you. And with 10,000 new arrivals every single day from top designers like Prada, Celine, Louis Vuitton, and Loewe, all for up to 90% off retail, you're bound to find something perfectly on brand to fill that extra closet space with. Plus, right now, you can get an extra $100 to shop. When you sell for the first time, make room for what feels like you go to therealreal.com to start selling and get your extra hundred dollars to keep shopping@therealreal.com that's therealreal.com terms apply.
- [19:58]
Jameela Jamil
And we are back. Okay, so tell me about your own, like, micro humiliations.
- [20:05]
X Mayo
Yes. Okay, so I worked at TSA at T. And I was there 2008, 2010. So like seven years post 9, 11. So it's still pretty fresh. Everybody's like, okay, little take out of
- [20:17]
Jameela Jamil
people who look like me.
- [20:18]
X Mayo
Yeah. 100% xenophobia. My Lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I think for me, like, there was so many black people and stuff that were like, working there. We were like in our early 20s, like black and brown people. It's LA. So it's like I was having the fucking time of my life. This was the second time I quit acting. So this is the second time I quit. I was like, fuck it. I'm just get a job. And so when I was working there, you Know, you encounter different celebrities and stuff, and celebrities vary based on terminal, right? So I was at T1 Southwest. So it was a specific type of.
- [20:46]
Guy Branham
Fuck me.
- [20:47]
Jameela Jamil
Wait, wait, wait. Break this down.
- [20:49]
X Mayo
Yeah, okay. Cause terminals, we do not fuck with each other. So when I moved to T4, it was like, oh, now I see Geena Davis and Adrien Brody and Leonardo DiCaprio. But at T1, we got Joe Jackson, okay? Like, that's what's cracking over there. So we had Joe Jackson. Fucking terrible, nastiest man ever.
- [21:06]
Guy Branham
Oh, I'm shocked.
- [21:09]
X Mayo
Can you be? Can you be God? Like, it was insane. So, like, he came in with, like, all of his. It's like, seven people, girl. We thought it was fucking Louis Farrakhan. We was like, who the fuck is this coming through this goddamn thing? It was all these mobsters, all these motherfucking trench coats. I was like, what the fuck? And the devil wears products going off. Everybody is in there dressed to the nines. So I was like, I don't know who the fuck you think you are.
- [21:29]
Guy Branham
It's just so beautiful to see a real entourage, you know?
- [21:33]
X Mayo
Like, the commitment, right? I gotta give claps for the commitment.
- [21:36]
Guy Branham
Yes.
- [21:37]
X Mayo
But, yeah, I was just like, take all that shit off. Right? Cause they were, like, trying to look at me as if, like, we should just go through. It's like, do you know why the fuck we're here? Cause 9, 11.
- [21:45]
Guy Branham
You asked Joe Jackson to remove his belt.
- [21:47]
X Mayo
Yes. Take all that off.
- [21:49]
Guy Branham
I know.
- [21:50]
X Mayo
And the whole altar. I take that shit off.
- [21:51]
Guy Branham
It's just belt removal ended so poorly for his children, right?
- [21:55]
X Mayo
Oh, my God. Cause he could have came around here, right? Cause we saw American Dream.
- [22:00]
Guy Branham
God bless you.
- [22:00]
X Mayo
We did see it. Justice, Fetido. Okay, rip. But yes. So when. When he came through, I was just, okay, all y' all gotta take all that off. And they were like, meh, me, me, me. I'm like, take turkey off, okay? Cause y' all won't fly. Cause that's what I did, love. We did. We were really drunk with power. And I was 20, like, 22, 23. You couldn't tell me shit. I was a menace. So, yeah, so that was, like, interesting to experience that. And the fact that they had so much, like, pushback and, like, didn't want to, like, take everything off and was like, do you know who we are? And I just kept playing stupid, like, no, I don't know who you are. And Joe Jackson, you know, he got them, like, devil horns as, like, brows. It was just really. It was just not a Good time. And then another person was Chaka Khan. Now, Shaka, sweet Shaka, I love her. Fucking phenomenal. That Entourage, my Lord, the entourage looked at all of us.
- [22:50]
Jameela Jamil
It's always the entourage.
- [22:51]
X Mayo
It's always the entourage.
- [22:52]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah, it's crazy.
- [22:53]
X Mayo
It's crazy. So it's all of us, and it's usually black and brown mix, but for that day, it was all black people on the one lane, her team, when we asked them to take their stuff out. This is racist. We all looked at them and said, baby, we are all black in here. What are you talking about? Like, they were just trying to grasp at anything. It was just like, oh, this is racist. Oh, you doing this? Cause I'm big or you do this? I said, girl, I'm big. What are you talking about? So everybody was just, like, acting a fool. Shaka, like, already had went through, and here we are going back and forth with them. They don't want to take off. They had all these, like, rings. They had all these necklaces. It was just like, all this. And Shaka just got on her little one piece just keeps.
- [23:32]
Jameela Jamil
It's like they've never flown before. Yeah, you go as close to naked as possible.
- [23:37]
Guy Branham
I think the problem is, is that both of these people are celebrities since the, like, 60s or 70s and so, like, experience 30 goddamn years of, you show up to the airport and you just breeze right on through, and there's nothing. And we're probably.
- [23:50]
X Mayo
They get to smoke their cigarettes. They get their fucking lobster. Yeah, everything's first class.
- [23:54]
Guy Branham
Seven years in, we're probably still pissed off that they had to, you know, go through security.
- [23:59]
X Mayo
No, we truly are the DMV of the sky, for sure. It was very much so. And I'm like. Like, we're trying to save you, okay? I'm trying to help you. And it wasn't like, you know, it's all intergalactic now. You go in, you put your hands up. Back in 2008, it was very much so, like, hand wand. I was touching everything. I have the right to touch your sensitive area. Cause people will try to be slick and put shit in there. It's like, girl, I know some indie pussy.
- [24:18]
Jameela Jamil
What's the craziest thing you found in someone's, like, hole?
- [24:21]
X Mayo
Well, the craziest thing I found was this woman had a film canister, and it was full with weed. And when she popped it out, it had a picture of Steve Urkel on the front that said, did I do that? That is 100% correct.
- [24:34]
Guy Branham
Oh, my God.
- [24:35]
X Mayo
And this was the day that I quit. So I told my bitch ass. I told my bitch ass manager. I was like, that's funny. You. Ha ha. You wanna send me a. Like the Department of Homeland Security? You wanna send me a DHS test on my last fucking day? You're a bitch. And he was like, ex. No. You really cost something. So I had to stay after two hours of paperwork for this bitch who at that point, it was legal. I said, bitch, you just get a motherfucking card.
- [24:55]
Guy Branham
Yeah.
- [24:55]
X Mayo
And she's going to Miami. I'm already gonna give you additional screening because, baby, the alligators do cocaine. So since you come to my line with that, I'm always gonna look at you. But to the untrained eye, you wouldn't clock her, but we have such extensive training on, like, body language. I was like, she's up to some shit, so send her through.
- [25:12]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [25:13]
X Mayo
But I didn't know that it was like, an actual purse. Like, I would find something. Or even when I did, I thought it was a test from headquarters, but it was.
- [25:21]
Jameela Jamil
Cause you're dealing with the terrible entourage.
- [25:25]
X Mayo
Yes. And the nastiness of that. And also too, Mary J. Blige's ex. It's always the entourage. It's never the people. So he ran through. So this is T4. High time during Super Bowl. So Super Bowl. Oh, it's going down. Everybody's coming through this motherfucker. And I was at T4. Now I'm T4 is United American Airlines. Oh, never United. She never gave T7. Oh, my God. T's. We hate T7. So he came through, and he's, like, running through, and he was like, I need to get through this, and I need to do this and this and this and that. He's, like, yelling at us, and we're like, stop right there. Thank you very much. Like, it's not going down. And so he gets mad, gets pissed at us. We let Mary J. On his flight, and then we hold him for additional screening so he can miss his flight. And we took all his shit. Sure did. Sure did. Don't fuck with me. And if you're nice to me, I'm nice to you. I've met girls that had bottles of Ciroc at 6am Are you alcoholic? That's not my business. But are you nice to me? Well, I'm attested for additional explosives. If it don't blow up, I'll make you drink it. Jimmy didn't blow up. Well, she could take it.
- [26:25]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah, 100%.
- [26:26]
X Mayo
But be nice to me. I'M not mean to you. I'm. I'm saying hi and all that.
- [26:30]
Jameela Jamil
It's crazy to be rude to anyone at the airport. A, just don't be a cunt. But B, the amount of power they have just to stop you from getting on the plane. Who do you think you are?
- [26:40]
Guy Branham
Well, and also, it's a hard situation for everybody. It's a little bit inconvenient for everybody, and you're gonna be magically transported across a continent in just a couple of hours. No wagon trains involved. Get excited.
- [26:51]
Jameela Jamil
Also, I travel in, like, a diaper with Velcro. Love you. That is it.
- [26:55]
X Mayo
Oh, we love you for that. Oh, my God.
- [26:58]
Jameela Jamil
I never get recalled. Like, my bag never gets checked.
- [27:01]
X Mayo
Oh. So we get to. We have to stay there. We're watching you guys. You're going on an adventure.
- [27:05]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah. Yeah.
- [27:06]
X Mayo
We're not.
- [27:06]
Jameela Jamil
You're going home, you know, and we're
- [27:08]
X Mayo
still being kind and nice and everything like that. So it's just kind of like. Yeah.
- [27:11]
Jameela Jamil
Like, I remember, like, I had to deal with everyone's entourage when I. Cause I used to be an interviewer as my main job all the time back in the day. And I would interview, like, all the big stars when they would come over to England. And I'll never forget J. Lo's entourage. And this is. No, like, J. Lo was a. She was so nice, kind, polite, easy. But they asked for, like, 36 Jo Malone candles. And I was like, what are we gonna barbecue JLo? Like, how much fire does there need to be in a room? I was like, she's not gonna be
- [27:41]
X Mayo
able to fucking sit in there. It's a very odd number.
- [27:44]
Jameela Jamil
It's so specific. And I was like, what do you mean of this specific?
- [27:49]
Guy Branham
Was there Santeria involved? Like, were we doing witchcraft?
- [27:54]
Jameela Jamil
Really mad. And then it wasn't. It was only after that. So we're like, who? And they were like, you can't get in the elevator with her. So we are just, like, standing there waiting for her to get in the elevator, and then we're gonna wait for it to go up and come down again. And she gets in, and she's like, what are you doing? Get in. So we're like, oh, okay. This is not coming from J. Lo. She's like, we get in. There's a blue light coming from the side. And her team are like, you cannot shoot her with this blue light on the side. And I'm like, people can see. No one thinks that she has a blue forehead.
- [28:19]
X Mayo
Right?
- [28:20]
Jameela Jamil
I was like, we have a Blue show. I was like, they can tell that's the COVID So they made her and I sit side by side so that there would be no blue light coming onto her face in any way. And I was like, this is insane. And again, she seemed very unaware of any of this. And then at the end of the day, we see all of her assistants come in and just, like, shove all of the Jo Malone candles into their bags. And I was like, oh, it's nearly Christmas.
- [28:41]
X Mayo
Y' all are stealing.
- [28:42]
Jameela Jamil
You're doing your Christmas shopping. It's insane. You know what?
- [28:47]
X Mayo
Next time you go on a podcast, tell them you need 36 Rolexes. Yeah, that's absolutely not. And is it December 23rd? Sure he is.
- [28:55]
Jameela Jamil
I think Zane Lowe used to, like. And I think this is genius and completely fine. But we all get a rider. When I was a dj, we got a rider. My rider was a banana. And so people used to freak out about that and they wouldn't know what to do. They were like, it just didn't feel like enough to leave for me and my rider as a welcome. So then they'd buy, like, 30 bananas. And I was like, I'm not a fucking gorilla.
- [29:16]
X Mayo
Right.
- [29:17]
Jameela Jamil
But Zayno apparently would ask for, like, a bottle of, like, Moet or Veuve, like, a really nice bottle of champagne. He doesn't even drink, and he just has this huge collection of like. Like a cave, like a moai cave under his house. That is the legend of Zane Lowe, is that he just was collecting them and now he has the world's most iconic champagne collection under his home.
- [29:38]
Guy Branham
I mean, a nice bottle of champagne is something that's good to have around under any circumstances.
- [29:42]
X Mayo
Yes. I don't even drink, and I have good champagne in liquor.
- [29:45]
Guy Branham
Mouse.
- [29:45]
Jameela Jamil
But the entourage is a crack Sylvester Stallone. Like, everyone's like, all these people were so chill. And it was always their team that made it feel like they were gonna be crazy.
- [29:52]
X Mayo
Yeah. Which sucked because it's like, oh, you're the guy next to the guy. That's why you're acting like that. And it's like. And also too. I'm just wondering too, like, does the celebrity know, like, this is a problem, like, having them because they are a representation of you in a sense, so you kinda gotta cut that.
- [30:09]
Jameela Jamil
I'm sure they have no idea. And they'd be really embarrassed.
- [30:11]
Guy Branham
Yeah, I think. I maybe don't know about that. I think when you are Chaka Khan or, like, when you're one of these celebrities who, like, needs to be a Nice person. If everyone were coming up to you and constantly making demands of you, it would be really hard. And there is something important about having people around you who are capable of saying the no. And so.
- [30:29]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
Yeah.
- [30:30]
Jameela Jamil
But not doing their fucking Christmas shopping via your motherfucking Jolla.
- [30:34]
X Mayo
Mahogany, teakwood, and citrus.
- [30:36]
Jameela Jamil
Immediately.
- [30:37]
Guy Branham
So at Chelsea lately, on talk shows, you have this sort of, like, nice gift bag that is there for the celebrities. And ours always had, like, a $200 gift card to, like, a very douchey steakhouse. And it was always just very, like. And they would leave it sometimes. And so just like, when you were on staff, it was just like, if you were the. After they left, just go peek into the green room.
- [31:03]
X Mayo
Absolutely.
- [31:04]
Guy Branham
And if it's there, boom.
- [31:05]
X Mayo
Especially if I was a PA making $200 a week. You fucking right. Absolutely.
- [31:10]
Jameela Jamil
That is amazing.
- [31:11]
X Mayo
Yeah.
- [31:12]
Jameela Jamil
100. What a crazy job to be able to have. What a crazy insight into these people. And it's so funny if you see them again now.
- [31:19]
X Mayo
Yeah, oh, I've seen them. Yeah. Oh, I've seen them. It's interesting to be a actor writer as well, because writing on different things, and obviously I'm not a name and not like. Like a celebrity or anything like that. So it's interesting to work with celebrities and, like, work with them and get like, a real. They see me just as a writer and treat me in that way. And it's interesting to, like, experience them, like, maybe on set or now we're collaborating on something, or maybe we're on a podcast, and it's like, oh, you don't even remember the way that you talk to me.
- [31:55]
Guy Branham
Well, and that Cinderella sensibility that you can have of just sort of like, well, I get to be on something, but only after all of my work is done. You know, that sort of, like, this sense of responsibility and that I'm there, but. But it is always interesting and cool. Some people don't register you. And then, like, I was in a movie that I had no scenes with Cary Elwes with, and, like, barely met him. And so every time I have seen him since then, I always reintroduce myself. And Cary Elwes is always like, guy, why are you doing this? And it's just like, oh, my God.
- [32:26]
Jameela Jamil
Oh, you're so, so sweet. You've got the lovely version of that. Because I was an interviewer, I was treated like shit in the junkets by so many of the actors. So now I'm like, ugh.
- [32:35]
X Mayo
Interview number 722 with Jeremy Renner on
- [32:39]
Jameela Jamil
fucking site if I ever see him now.
- [32:40]
X Mayo
Period.
- [32:41]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So rude that, like, Ed Norton, who's notoriously not the most friendly, came over to me and apologized to me for Jeremy's behavior. So I was like, let's fucking go.
- [32:54]
X Mayo
Who's Ed Norton again? I'm picturing it, but I can't.
- [32:56]
Guy Branham
Ed Norton, he's one of our former the Hulks.
- [33:01]
Jameela Jamil
That's not how he would want to be Fight Club.
- [33:03]
X Mayo
Oh, yes.
- [33:05]
Jameela Jamil
He's a genius.
- [33:07]
Guy Branham
He copied wrote Frida starring Salma Hayek.
- [33:09]
X Mayo
Oh, really? I did not know that.
- [33:12]
Jameela Jamil
That is so unbelievably random.
- [33:14]
X Mayo
No. Is that a Ranturns exclusive? No. Yeah, I didn't know that.
- [33:18]
Guy Branham
Can I tell you?
- [33:18]
X Mayo
It's a wrong turns exclusive.
- [33:20]
Guy Branham
Can I tell you a brief wrong turn story?
- [33:22]
Jameela Jamil
Oh, my God, please.
- [33:23]
Guy Branham
I was at the Vons in Los Feliz. It was at the Vons in Los Feliz.
- [33:28]
X Mayo
You got a Vons in Los Feliz?
- [33:31]
Guy Branham
It was late. It was late in the evening and I saw Ed Norton and I was like, I'm going to go up to him and I'm going to. I'm going to congratulate him on something that most people don't. I'm going to go up. So I went up to him and I said, excuse me, are you Ed Norton? And he said no. And he seemed very pissed off. And then I went and I was like, how dare he? Who does he think he is, being better than being recognized? You're in fucking.
- [33:51]
Jameela Jamil
So you wrote an 11 page email?
- [33:54]
Guy Branham
No, I wrote a blind item to Gawker about how rude he had been. And then the next day, Ferris Bueller's Day off was on television and I realized, oh, shit, that wasn't Ed Norton. It was the guy who played Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It was Alan Rock. And I was like, oh, guy, you were the asshole. You were the asshole.
- [34:15]
X Mayo
Oh, what a turn.
- [34:18]
Jameela Jamil
Alan is in my movie at the moment. People we meet on vacation.
- [34:22]
X Mayo
Oh, wow.
- [34:23]
Jameela Jamil
Nice guy.
- [34:24]
Guy Branham
Wow.
- [34:26]
Jameela Jamil
All right, let's go to a right.
- [34:33]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
When people talk about energy recovery and performance, they usually jump straight to training protein or supplements. But one of the most overlooked pieces is gut health. If your gut is not dialed, everything else struggles to work the way it should. That is where momentous Fiber plus comes in. When gut health is not dialed in, other supplements and training habits don't work as well. You can be doing everything else right, but without a strong foundation, results fall short. Fiber is often the missing link that's why Momentous believes in a relentless commitment to fundamentals and doing them differently than they have ever been done. Fiber plus is built to support the entire gut health process, not just one piece of it. And if a product doesn't meet their standard, it never hits the shelves. Right now, Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order. Order with promo code Acast. Head to livemomentous.com and use promo code Acast for up to 35% off your first Order. That's livemomentous.com, promo code Acast.
- [35:34]
The RealReal Advertiser
So you're running out of closet space. The good news, you don't need to stop shopping. You just need to start selling with the RealReal. The RealReal is the world's largest and most trusted resource for authenticated luxury resale. Whether it's that mini bag that can't even fit your phone own, or those boots you never fully broke in, the RealReal handles everything from photography and copywriting to shipping and pricing. So you can just sit back, get paid, and make room for things that actually feel like you. And with 10,000 new arrivals every single day from top designers like Prada, Celine, Louis Vuitton, and Loewe, all for up to 90% off retail, you're bound to find something perfectly on brand to fill that extra closet space with with. Plus, right now, you can get an extra $100 to shop when you sell for the first time. Make room for what feels like you go to therealreal.com to start selling and get your extra hundred dollars to keep shopping@thereal.com that's therealreal.com terms apply.
- [36:34]
X Mayo
TikTok shop, Tiauda Descubrier Productos de Buen Valorio, Fertas or Presa Rapido.
- [36:52]
Jameela Jamil
And we are back. Guy, what is your big wrong turn? So, okay, hands on table.
- [37:01]
Guy Branham
Guy Branham. As a child of the working class, I didn't have a passport until my 30s. And I had never been to Europe in any way until, like in my 40s. I, like, had money and I was at a point where I felt comfortable, like, not taking a job for a period of time. And so I went to London for like a month. And I was just like, I'm going to, you know, see and experience this thing that I've been exposed to in literature and TV and movies and all of that stuff. And I had a lovely time. And then at the end of the
- [37:30]
Jameela Jamil
day, were we nice to you?
- [37:31]
Guy Branham
Yes, you guys were terribly, terribly nice. And I went to a fancy gym in soho where I got to see all of the douchebags before their finance jobs. And it was really exciting. Then at the end of it, I took the train over and I went to France for the first time. And then I went up to a delightful night in Brussels.
- [37:52]
Jameela Jamil
Who.
- [37:53]
Guy Branham
Brussels. Their gay neighborhood is like if Disneyland had, like, fagland. Like, it's just a little. It is like a little winding.
- [38:05]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
Hello.
- [38:07]
Guy Branham
It's a little winding street that has. Has all of the different types of gay bars on it right there. And you're like, this is the most adorable thing that I've ever experienced. And then I went to Amsterdam, and I didn't know what to do in Amsterdam. And so Michelle Buteau's husband is Dutch, and so she recommended some restaurants. And because, like, famously, there is a line that goes through Europe, and on one side of the line, there is good food, and on the other side of the line, there are people who are capable of standing in a line. And in Belgium, I had Dutch food that was good. And then I went to Amsterdam, and there was Dutch food.
- [38:45]
X Mayo
Got it.
- [38:46]
Guy Branham
But Bucho had, like, great recommendations. And I went to this very nice restaurant called Skips Camille that was, like, out in a distant part of town. And I, like, ate at this tasting menu restaurant alone. And first of all, I had a lovely conversation with, like, a somewhat conservative man from Alabama. And it was one of those interesting situations when you're in another country and you have to find common ground. And it was nice. And then.
- [39:12]
Jameela Jamil
And you're both Americans in another place, so you're able to kind of find common ground over there.
- [39:17]
Guy Branham
What are we gonna fight about here? And then when I was eating my meal, the chefs who were making things would come over and chit chat with me because I was alone, and they would just, like, sit down, and it was lovely. And then it started snowing, and I was like, guy, this is a movie.
- [39:30]
Jameela Jamil
Yes.
- [39:31]
Guy Branham
You're not gonna. You're not gonna get an Uber back to your hotel. You're just gonna walk through the city of Amsterdam. You're gonna learn the city of Amsterdam. And so I got out and I just started walking through the snow, and it was so beautiful. And then I started to realize that I really needed to use the bathroom. I very much needed to use the bathroom. And I was like, well, you just keep walking, and then you'll find somewhere that's open. Except I did not understand that the city of Amsterdam not so much open, you know, outside of certain portions of it, in, like, after nine. And so I kept waiting for there to be a storefront, waiting for there to be.
- [40:09]
Jameela Jamil
It's really just a brothel that's available to you at that time. Yeah.
- [40:12]
Guy Branham
So. And also, I'm like, not used to walking on snow. It's slippery. What I'm saying is that the lower half of my body is being tight in so many different ways. And eventually we came to a point that one of those tightnesses lost out. And we had. Yeah, we had fully occupied my pants. And so I'm now just sort of like, staggering through the streets. Like, a block after it happened, I turned a corner and come face to face with just a mid-40s Amsterdam street whore who looks me in the eyes and says, are you okay? Like, it was just. And I had been planning on going to, like, this gay club that evening, but I staggered back to my hotel and I went off and I was so humiliated. And then I was like. I took all of my clothes off and I threw them in the shower, and then I washed them down. And then I showered myself very thoroughly. And then I had just like. I was just like, well, you've been defeated by this evening guy. Right? Like, there's no coming back from that. We all saw the look on that street horse face. And then I was like, no. And so I again washed off all of my clothes, put them in a bag, took them down to be laundered, and then went out to the club and had a thoroughly lovely evening.
- [41:33]
Jameela Jamil
I know that story. Oh, wow.
- [41:35]
Guy Branham
Yes.
- [41:35]
Jameela Jamil
Well done.
- [41:36]
Guy Branham
Yes, it was. Yeah. I mean, those little idiot blond boys sure do know how to have a good time. Yes.
- [41:47]
Jameela Jamil
Oh, what a fucking nightmare then.
- [41:50]
X Mayo
Oh, my God, you poor baby.
- [41:51]
Jameela Jamil
It was so humbling.
- [41:52]
X Mayo
What did you eat? Like, what was in the tasting menu? Like, what did not agree with you? Your spirit?
- [41:57]
Guy Branham
No, I think it was just like I had been traveling a fair amount and, you know, bowel movements get weird.
- [42:02]
X Mayo
Yeah. When you travel.
- [42:03]
Guy Branham
Yes. I mean, there's a basic Jewishness to my intestines that, you know, can go in a lot of directions at a lot of times. But I don't. I think it was just. I think it was like a combination. I may have had coffee at the end of the meal. I like, and like that and the walking together. I don't know. But it was just like, Jesus Christ, pack it in. And then like, no, I guess not.
- [42:26]
Jameela Jamil
But also, can I ask, did the partying afterwards just feel like I have survived something?
- [42:33]
Guy Branham
Yes.
- [42:33]
Jameela Jamil
I have overcome something. Do you feel like you're putting your Arms up more than you normally would when you're dancing just like, I'm free. Like, you can do anything now. Like, what is there to be embarrassed of?
- [42:43]
Guy Branham
It was a contained space, so the ability to raise your arms was limited. Though as an older gay gentleman, I do raise my hands when dancing more than is.
- [42:50]
Jameela Jamil
We're millennials.
- [42:50]
Guy Branham
Socially. I'm not a millennial. Young lady. Very solidly. Gen X. It's embarrassing. And how dare you make me put it in public? But, yeah, it did. Like, I did.
- [43:01]
X Mayo
Wow. The slander, Jamila, the slander we're receiving right now. Oh, my God.
- [43:06]
Guy Branham
It made me feel like I had made a choice that was saying, I will not go gentle into that good night. You know, I will. Like, was it inappropriate for me in, you know, solidly in middle age to be, you know, partying with these drugged out young people? And it was like, well, this is what you do.
- [43:24]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
Yeah.
- [43:25]
Jameela Jamil
But also just. There's nothing sadder to me than going on this idyllic, beautiful, like, movie, like, walk and then just shitting your pants.
- [43:31]
Guy Branham
Yeah.
- [43:32]
Jameela Jamil
That is really cruel. That is truly cruel. That's the sort of thing that would happen to me. Thank you for sharing. Okay, X.
- [43:38]
X Mayo
Yes.
- [43:39]
Jameela Jamil
What is your big wrong turn?
- [43:40]
X Mayo
My big wrong turn? Oh, my God. I lost my virginity on a palette on the floor during a Mike Epps special.
- [43:46]
Jameela Jamil
There we go. That's it. Story done, completed. Well done. Congratulations.
- [43:51]
X Mayo
You did a whole show. Okay.
- [43:52]
Guy Branham
Okay.
- [43:53]
X Mayo
Yeah, 100%. Yes. It was really bad. You know, I told you, I'm born and raised in church. So then something felt cold down there. And I was like, okay. So I seen that it was blood. And I was like, wow, I'm going to hell. This is the day I go to hell. And the man was uncircumcised. And Mike Epps had just did a joke about men being uncircumcised. So I was like, wow, this is really life imitating art.
- [44:12]
Jameela Jamil
That's a truman show.
- [44:12]
X Mayo
Yeah, 100%. And so then when I was leaving, I was like, playing gospel music. Cause I was like, I'm going to hell. And then I cried so much that my contacts, like, swam out. So I had to drive home from it. Cause I couldn't sing. Oh, absolutely, Absolutely, Absolutely. Now that's just for you, Julie. I've never told that story. Not even to some friends. I've never said that shit out loud ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. That shows you, Julia. I love you, girl.
- [44:38]
Jameela Jamil
I appreciate you. That was so short and so horrific.
- [44:45]
Guy Branham
Do you get wistful when you see my caps on television, do you get like or wet?
- [44:51]
X Mayo
Oh, no. No, I do not, girl. I get triggered. I'm like, ah. You know, because that was the first and last time I've been penetrated. Cause it was that good. Jesus. Yeah. I haven't had.
- [45:05]
Jameela Jamil
Wait, for real?
- [45:06]
X Mayo
Yeah. I've received oral sex and then that's it.
- [45:09]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
Oh.
- [45:09]
Guy Branham
We have reductive ideas of what sexual pleasure is.
- [45:12]
Jameela Jamil
Well, in France, that's considered sex. Like, you're not. Like, not being penetrated does not count as like. As in. Like, in France, they consider sex is sex is sex. Yes. That's what I'm saying. In France, they don't consider penetration. Penetration the definition of sex.
- [45:24]
X Mayo
Oh, my God.
- [45:24]
Jameela Jamil
They consider all sexual acts having sex. Yeah.
- [45:28]
X Mayo
You get a hickey, you're fucked.
- [45:29]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [45:30]
X Mayo
That's what it is.
- [45:31]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah.
- [45:33]
X Mayo
Hundo p. Yeah. No.
- [45:35]
Jameela Jamil
100%. Yeah.
- [45:37]
X Mayo
But I just. I genuinely feel like being penetrated is such a. Like, it's an intimate act.
- [45:44]
Guy Branham
Yeah.
- [45:44]
X Mayo
And I'm like, I can't let that be with just anybody. And also, I will say, even the guy who I received oral sex from, him, and he was literally the best head I've ever had in my entire life. But he. Now he's died. He's dead now, which makes it really sad.
- [46:02]
Jameela Jamil
Cause of the oral sex.
- [46:03]
X Mayo
Yes. I killed him.
- [46:05]
Jameela Jamil
Smothered him.
- [46:06]
X Mayo
Yes. Mothered him. No. But I just feel like even when he wanted to take things further and do, like, penetrative sex, I was just like. Like, I just genuinely felt like, you
- [46:15]
Jameela Jamil
were like, you're gonna die soon, so I'm not gonna invest in you.
- [46:20]
X Mayo
I just feel that that is so intimate. And also, too, like, I was like, I will not be distracted. Like, I will go for my dreams. Like, in high school, I didn't have a boyfriend. I was like, I'm gonna be a star on Broadway. What are you gonna do? Like, Since I was 8, I've been very clear. So that's another reason too. I'm like, sex is a distraction. Men are a distraction. I'm not fucking doing it.
- [46:39]
Jameela Jamil
Fair. Fair. I lost my virginity when I feel like Spotify had maybe just come out. And it was like, we were too poor to afford, like, Spotify Premium at the time. So we had all the adverts. And so while we were having sex, like, every few songs, like, an advert would come on, but the, like, better help. Yeah, but it was like, early days Spotify, so they weren't getting, like, the sexy adverts. Like, the big brands, they were getting like PSAs from the government. So we were in the middle of sex and there's a horrific. I remember it so clearly to this day, horrific advertising of why you shouldn't get into unlicensed minicabs. And they play out a woman like getting into a car, a little bit drunk and then suddenly the car stops and then she screams a blood curdling scream. And it goes, don't get into unlicensed mini cabs. And I was like, I dried up. Like when a tsunami like pulls the water away. It was like that. It was like.
- [47:45]
X Mayo
And it grew teeth. It hits. Yeah.
- [47:48]
Jameela Jamil
It was one of the most horrendous possible experiences. Yeah.
- [47:52]
X Mayo
Oh my God.
- [47:53]
Jameela Jamil
It's haunted me to this fucking day. But you know what I did? Never ever get into an unlicensed mini cat ever again.
- [47:59]
X Mayo
She has sex and silence. I don't want shit playing. We are the motherfucking soundtrack. I know. That's my jamila period.
- [48:05]
Jameela Jamil
I can't listen to anything now. I'm so scared. Also I had this ex whose brother was a rapper, a white rapper.
- [48:11]
X Mayo
Oh my God.
- [48:12]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
Yeah.
- [48:13]
Jameela Jamil
And sometimes when we were being. Sometimes we would be having. No, he didn't. He wanted to.
- [48:19]
X Mayo
No, he had the energy of it. You felt it.
- [48:23]
Jameela Jamil
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he never said it.
- [48:25]
X Mayo
It is quiet time alone. He whispers it looks around.
- [48:29]
Jameela Jamil
We would like there was a piano room and a living room and he slept in the piano room and we slept in the living room. Like we were broke and we were carers for this old man. And so I. Sometimes the walls were paper thin. Cause it was like a wartime old house, you know, like this really, really old listed building. I would sometimes. Sometimes we'd be having sex and then realize he's also having sex with his girlfriend at the same time. And he would rap his lyrics at her face to face during sex. So we'd just be hearing it. Oh yeah. In the other room and knowing.
- [49:04]
X Mayo
Never looking at me like a hip
- [49:05]
Jameela Jamil
a hop, a hippie, a hippie to
- [49:07]
X Mayo
the hip hip hopping a Don't stop. Excuse me, police, police, missionary.
- [49:14]
Guy Branham
Should I be doing material while fucking?
- [49:16]
X Mayo
You know, honestly, Gu. That's a good note to take from this.
- [49:20]
Jameela Jamil
100%.
- [49:21]
X Mayo
Oh my God.
- [49:22]
Jameela Jamil
I got in trouble when a boyfriend put it in the wrong hole. And I said unexpected item in bagging area. So you know, like these things. That is beautiful. Thank you.
- [49:30]
X Mayo
That is a beautiful joke. Do you say that on stage?
- [49:34]
Jameela Jamil
No. Okay. But that was just my. That was my instinct to say that. And I Learned do not do even potential material during sex ever. Okay, before we go, you've both been such a fucking delight. This has been so much fun. Fun, so much. We have wonderful listeners who jump into the deep end with us and they give us their wrong turn stories. And so this is called Misery Loves Company. And today's story is from Kim. Kim says, last Christmas, I remember wrapping presents very late at night, which every parent will relate to. I wrapped them all with the same paper and with the last of my energy, and I wrote the names on them from Santa. Some for me, some for my wife, and some for our son. Christmas morning, he wakes up really early and I'm out of it. He opens one without me noticing and asks if it's a toothbrush. Well, it was the latest and greatest vibrator. I froze, saying nothing. Thank God. My wife said, hey, sometimes Santa makes mistakes. And that is actually my toothbrush. He then asked how it worked, and when we gave him new presents to open, he thankfully forgot about it. It. Amen. Thank you for that story, Kim. What a fucking nightmare have you. Do you have so many vibrators vibrating in tsa? It's all I think about all the time. I'm like, how many dildos are these people seeing a day?
- [50:56]
X Mayo
Oh, my God, girl. Okay, so there was a Las Vegas flight. My Lord, say less. Yeah, no, it's. It was a late night one where sex workers would frequent. And I said, you know what, would I take a basketball away from college? You know, I wouldn't. This is what she needs for work. So I just said, baby, let me just test it and do not use it on the plane. She said, I will not. I said, okay. But it was about a baseball. It was like a mini baseball. It was. It was insane.
- [51:26]
Jameela Jamil
Oh, that's amazing.
- [51:27]
Guy Branham
A friend of mine was opening for a prominent female comedian around the time that, like, TSA started. And they were going through and they had not done this before. And she had a hair guy who came with her and he had a carry on. And she said that they just, like, kept removing dildos, like, just there on the table. Just like he had the whole fallout. Extensive fetish equipment just there in front of his boss and this random lady
- [51:56]
Jameela Jamil
that would kill me.
- [51:57]
X Mayo
Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. If you think about it, dildo is a toothbrush for a vagina.
- [52:02]
Guy Branham
Yes. They should have just told that little boy.
- [52:04]
X Mayo
They just said it's a toothbrush before a lower area.
- [52:07]
Jameela Jamil
It's.
- [52:07]
Guy Branham
It's a. It's a magic. It's a thick. It's a thick magic wand with another separate magic wand that comes off of it. It's in the to do other magic.
- [52:16]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
It's for.
- [52:17]
Jameela Jamil
It's for emotional hygiene, what have you. That's what it's for.
- [52:20]
X Mayo
Yes.
- [52:21]
Guy Branham
So my niece was raised by my parents who are just like old and out of touch people. And I tried so hard to be like, present and like the number of times that we end, like, I think three separate times we ended up in San Francisco outside of Good Vibrations with me being like, it's woman owned and it's a good safe place and we could just go in there and we could get you something and her just be like, no, I am not doing this with you around.
- [52:43]
Jameela Jamil
But also anyone who doesn't know you or your sexual orientation would be like, who is this man trying to convince this little girl to go into conference?
- [52:52]
X Mayo
The feds. I'm calling police immediately.
- [52:55]
Jameela Jamil
Yes. Oh, man, you're both such a delight. Will you tell everyone where they can find you and what they can look at and listen to?
- [53:00]
Guy Branham
And here I am Guybranham across all social media except for TikTok where I'm Guy Branham comedy. And also my solo show Be Fruitful is going to be part of the Netflix is a joke festival on May 9th. So congrats. Please get your tickets now.
- [53:15]
X Mayo
Yes, I am at $80 in a suitcase. $80 in a suitcase on Instagram. I am on TikTok. But it's like you could follow me, but I really just am there for to yuck yuck in Rome. But yeah, so I am in scrubs. This comes out fe 25th. I'm also in Wonder Man, a new Marvel series starring Yaya and Sir Ben Kingsley that comes out on January 27th. Please rewatch. Luke, give us those sweet, sweet streams. And I just sold a show to CBS that is about TSA and working at the airport. So please keep us in prayer as we go through that process.
- [53:52]
Jameela Jamil
Pray for Joe Jackson, honey.
- [53:55]
X Mayo
Yes. No, pray for Tito.
- [53:57]
Jameela Jamil
May he rest in peace, girl.
- [53:59]
X Mayo
He's still icing his ass in heaven the way that man. My Lord. Terrible. Oh, my God. This is amazing.
- [54:06]
Jameela Jamil
Thank you. I love you both so much. Thank you. Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster stories, mail.com and don't forget to subscribe, like review wherever you get your podcasts and tell your friends about us. I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now. Bye.
- [54:45]
Momentous Fiber Plus Advertiser
Bye.
- [54:45]
Monday.com Advertiser
Order of the Peaky Blinders Academy Award winner Killian Murphy returns alongside an all star cast including Rebecca Ferguson, Tim Roth, Sophie Rundle with Academy Award nominee Barry Keoghan and Emmy Award winner Stephen Graham. In Netflix's upcoming film Peaky Blinders, the Immortal Man Tommy Shelby must face his own demons and choose whether to confront his legacy or burn it to the ground. Peaky Blinders the Immortal man is in select theaters March 6 and on Netflix March 20. Rated R.
- [55:17]
Guy Branham
Acast Powers the World's Best Podcasts Here's a show that we recommend
- [55:25]
Race F1 Podcast Advertiser
F1 has taken north America by storm in recent years, and 2026 is shaping up to be the most exciting season of Formula One racing yet. With a completely fresh set of cars and engines, Lando Norris, Max Verstappen, Lewis Hamilton and the rest of the world's fastest drivers are speeding into the unknown this season. Whatever happens, the Race F1 podcast will be with you for every corner crash and controversy, starting with F1's all important pre season testing. This month, we're on the ground at every Grand Prix, including the three unmissable US Events in Miami, Austin and Las Vegas, talking to the key players and bringing expert analysis on the stories that matter. Just search for the race F1 podcast to listen or watch. Wherever you get your podcasts.
- [56:14]
Guy Branham
ACAST helps creators launch, grow, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast. Com.