Ian Fidance and Nathan Macintosh

Summary

Podcast Summary: Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil – Episode: Ian Fidance and Nathan Macintosh

Date: November 6, 2025
Host: Jameela Jamil
Guests: Ian Fidance, Nathan Macintosh

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Episode Overview

This episode of Wrong Turns brings together comedians Ian Fidance (“Being Ian With Jordan,” “The Last OG”) and Nathan Macintosh (“Positive Anger,” “Down With Tech”) for an uproarious, no-holds-barred exchange of their most embarrassing, disastrous, and outrageous life moments. In classic Wrong Turns fashion, the trio gleefully forgoes any inspirational takeaways, instead reveling in personal mishaps including childhood shame, sex capades gone awry, substance-fueled failures, and getting fired for remarkable reasons.

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Key Discussion Points and Memorable Stories

Laughter, Sex, and Soaking: Kicking off with Taboo Topics

[01:54–06:59]

• The episode opens with playful banter about personal appearances and self-descriptions (“Excitable Boy” for Ian; “Happy Man” for Nathan) before derailing into an in-depth, hilarious discussion of the Mormon practice of “soaking.”
• Notable Exchange:
  • Jamila: “Tell people what soaking is.”
  • Nathan: “You just jam your dick into a woman and leave it there.” [05:11]
  • Ian: “You have to be Mormon.” [05:36]
• The conversation escalates with the trio riffing on awkward, lazy sex and absurd religious loopholes.
  • Ian (re: soaking): “It’s like the Catholic thing of having anal sex and being like, I’m still a virgin. It’s such a crazy religious thing.” [06:52]

Micro-Humiliations: Tales of Teenage Shame

[07:27–12:14]

• Nathan’s First Brush with Shame:

  • Age 13, scouring a friend’s computer late at night with every possible porn-related search term. The friend’s ultra-religious mother finds the search history, bans Nathan from the house, and the friendship strains for years.
  • Nathan: “I was up… I searched all of the—All of porn that I could think of. ...I don’t know anything about search histories. This is the internet now for—it just started.” [08:02]

• Jamila’s Social Media Mishap:

  • Accidentally directs her young Twitter followers to a gross porn site, thinking “shitter.com” was a funny joke, not porn.
  • Jamila: “I thought I was so funny and said... We should call it shitter.com... had no idea that it is a porn website.” [10:53]

• Ian’s Spice Channel Story:

  • Discovers “the bad channel” at his grandparents’ house (scrambled softcore porn) and feigns a love of doing homework in the living room just to sneak peeks.
  • “All of a sudden I could only do my homework in my grandparents' living room...” [12:29]

Phone Sex and Outlandish Phone Bills

[13:36–16:57]

• Nathan’s Confession:
  • Racks up a $600 bill on pay-per-minute phone sex lines, blames others to avoid trouble with his girlfriend’s mom.
• Jamila’s Darkest Bill
  • While addicted to prescription drugs, unknowingly spends £17,000 calling sex workers and psychics on late-night benders.
  • Jamila: “There are thousands of calls of me saying God knows what to sex workers and psychics that exist from the year 2012.” [16:27]
  • Nathan: “Seventeen thousand is crazy. I don't even feel bad.” [16:46]

First Times Gone Wrong

[17:01–22:02]

• Ian’s Missed Virginity Moment:

  • Nearly loses virginity on 9/11, but his mother’s paranoia keeps him home; the girl ends up with another boy. Redemption arrives years later, but a mortifying, inept sexual encounter follows.
  • Ian: “She was like, 'It'd be really hot if you came on my face.' And I’m 18...” [20:23]
  • Ian: “If someone asks you to cum on their face, you say yes. You don't overthink it... No, you just rip it and run it.” [21:31]

• Nathan’s Teenage Virginity Story:

  • Loses virginity at 14, inexpertly puts on a condom backwards, finishes in seconds, and has to hang out awkwardly with his crying girlfriend and her mother.
  • Nathan: “I put it on backwards... I didn’t know what I was doing. She didn’t know what she was doing. ...And I came in four seconds.” [26:28–28:03]

School-Day Disaster: The Ultimate Childhood Humiliation

[29:23–33:46]

• Nathan’s Piss Story:
  • Eight years old, too polite to interrupt during class, desperately holds pee until he uncontrollably soaks himself and his desk in front of crushes, forcing the teacher to call his mom.
  • Nathan: “I absolutely erupt. Fully pissed myself. You know those wooden desks... piss is flying down these sides. …Dan’s looking, Christina’s looking, and I’m just sitting there.” [31:08]
  • Nathan, on impact: “I will not ever wait to use the bathroom ever again though, in my entire life. I’ll tell you right now, I’ll get out of any situation…” [33:53]

Substance, Jail, and Job Fails

[37:03–41:04]

• Ian’s Wrong Turn:
  • Arrested (for drinking on the street) the night before a job interview. After a harrowing jail experience involving confiscated shoes and aggressive cellmates, he goes straight from jail to a financial job interview, still in withdrawal. Keeps the job only due to a contract, constantly drunk/high, and is finally fired after the probation period.
  • Ian: “Men were taking their shirts off and doing push ups and throwing orange peels at this guy who was going through alcohol withdrawal... I was the last kid picked at kickball.” [38:36]

Workplace Disasters: Epic Firings

[41:24–45:48]

• Jamila’s Firing:

  • Devours two full fridges of Haagen Dazs ice cream meant for customers, blaming a “broken” freezer. Caught by staff replaying CCTV footage of her repeat trips to the freezer.
  • Jamila: “She makes me stand there and watch me on fast forward going back and forth across two weeks to the refrigerator again and again and again before she fires me.” [43:24]

• Nathan’s Failure at Future Shop:

  • Friendly to customers but never sells anything, costing the store $25,000 in lost sales. Relegated to assembling TV stands out of customer sight.
  • Nathan: “Last month, you were supposed to sell $25,000 worth of stuff… You did… zero. You sold nothing.” [44:44]

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Listener Story: Fish Hook Catastrophe

[46:41–47:31]

• Sarah’s Fishing Horror:
  • At 16, drags up a fish with such force that the hook ricochets into her eye. After multiple surgeries, she retains only 80% vision and different-colored eyes, but finds it makes for a killer dinner party anecdote.
  • Jamila: “Oh my Jesus. Fuck me. Christ, Sarah.” [47:19]
  • Nathan: “I wonder if one of them’s like a fish eye. Like just a black, dark death eye, like a pirate…” [47:31]

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Notable Quotes

• “This is a show where dignity goes to die. Where we celebrate the fuck-ups that we endure without having to turn them into some sort of disgusting inspiration porn.” — Jamila Jamil [01:54]

• “I searched all of the—all of porn that I could think of. Every single piece of a human woman.” — Nathan Macintosh [08:02]

• “So there are literally thousands of hours somewhere…of me saying God knows what fucking shit to sex workers and psychics that exist from the year 2012.” — Jamila Jamil [16:27]

• “If someone asks you to cum on their face, you say yes. You don’t overthink it…You just rip it and run it.” — Ian Fydance [21:31]

• “I absolutely erupt. Fully pissed myself…piss is flying down these sides. Rip. Just raining. People are looking. Dan’s looking, Christina’s looking. And I’m just sitting there.” — Nathan Macintosh [31:08]

• “My dream was to do that forever. Forever. But then, obviously, the internet murdered my industry.” — Jamila Jamil on her video store job [41:28]

• “I will not ever wait to use the bathroom ever again though, in my entire life. I’ll tell you right now, I’ll get out of any situation.” — Nathan Macintosh [33:53]

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Closing & Where to Find the Guests

• Nathan Macintosh

  • Instagram: @NathanMacintosh
  • Comedy specials on YouTube: “Money Never Wakes” and “Down With Tech”
  • Host of “Positive Anger” podcast

• Ian Fidance

  • Instagram: @ianimal69
  • Website: ianfinance.com
  • Special: “Ian Fidance: Wild, Happy, and Free” on YouTube
  • Podcast: “Being Ian with Jordan”

• Host: Jameela Jamil

  • Instagram: @jameelajamil
  • Writes on Substack: “A Low Desire to Please”

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The Wrong Turns Formula

No morals, no silver linings, just genuine, raw, and frequently outrageous tales of humiliation and disaster—told with wit and camaraderie. This episode is a relentless festival of “dignity going to die,” bound to make you laugh, wince, and (maybe) feel a little better about your own wrong turns.

Transcript

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[Jamila Jamil]

Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is a show where dignity goes to die. Where we celebrate the fuck ups that we endure without having to turn them into some sort of disgusting inspiration porn. I like to invite my favorite funny people on to tell me their tales of misery. And today I have a comedian, actor, writer and self described excitable boy. His credits include the American Life, Waffles and Mochi Paws with Sam J. And the Last og. He co hosts the amazing podcast Being Ian With Jordan, it's Ian Fydance. Hello.

[Ian Fydance]

Hi everybody. Thank you for having me. Yes. Excitable boy.

[Jamila Jamil]

Thank you.

[Ian Fydance]

Yes.

[Jamila Jamil]

My favorite way anyone's ever described.

[Ian Fydance]

It's one of my favorite songs. Great album.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Werewolves of London. Is that him? That's a song. Also my bio is Going to be a lot less interesting. I don't have Excitable Boy or even.

[Jamila Jamil]

You want to come up with one now?

[Nathan McIntosh]

Happy man. Put happy man. Yeah, Just self described happy man.

[Jamila Jamil]

So you're hearing the self described happy man, who is a comedian whose album Down With Tech was nominated for best comedy album of the fucking year at the Juno Awards. He's also the host of the podcast Positive anger is Nathan McIntosh. Hello.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yay. Thank you for having me.

[Jamila Jamil]

Good.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Greatly appreciate you.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, greatly appreciate both of you. How are you at the moment?

[Ian Fydance]

I'm doing well. I didn't shower this morning, so I feel like my face looks like a prize fighter's face. I should have put cold water on my face.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think that's all. You're lying. I think you had a facial and you look great. And this is a weird, humble brag.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I was just sitting here thinking, look, I'm trying not to attack. I just don't know how a shower helps you not look like a prize fighter's face. That's a different. These are two things.

[Ian Fydance]

Shower you.

[Jamila Jamil]

He just said to you. No, but be on the same.

[Nathan McIntosh]

And then go. How do you. So if a guy gets punched in the face, he takes a shower and it's somehow. No, no, no.

[Ian Fydance]

I feel like my face.

[Nathan McIntosh]

You're right. I'm gone. I apologize.

[Ian Fydance]

Swollen.

[Nathan McIntosh]

You look great.

[Ian Fydance]

And if I showered, I should have put, like. Really?

[Jamila Jamil]

I actually didn't expect you to be this hot in person.

[Ian Fydance]

Really?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. Well done. Well played.

[Ian Fydance]

Wow. I am becoming an incitable man right now.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. And what about you? Put your dick away. How are you feeling today?

[Nathan McIntosh]

My. Pretty excited after that conversation you guys just had. Yeah. Feeling pretty good.

[Jamila Jamil]

You're about to stuff.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I feel I'm gonna see some stuff. I feel I'm in the way. I kind of. I kind of feel. I kind of feel I should leave the room.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think you have a ball tickler in this.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Wow. I mean, the. The fact that I was already demoted to the lowest level in the room. Well, twice. You know, I really feel I should just walk out right now. This is. That is incredible. No, I. I feel that you could keep Ian hard while we have sex on this table.

[Ian Fydance]

You can be the ball tickler, and Stuart will be the gimp in the corner of the room.

[Jamila Jamil]

Stuart, my producer, just in the corner.

[Nathan McIntosh]

You said you want to be on the same team. You said you want to be on the same team. I'm kidding.

[Ian Fydance]

You can be the chef, Tickler.

[Nathan McIntosh]

You've been perfect. Well, either way, I'm doing. I'm doing a little bit less.

[Jamila Jamil]

Sorry. How big do you think you are that you'd be inside me and still have room for a shaft tickler? Let me tell you, you don't look that fucking good, Ian. All right, calm down, Jamila.

[Nathan McIntosh]

It has to come out, though. And that's where I come in. It comes out and that's when. Do you know what I mean? He has to. He's pulling in and out. The man doesn't just fucking dock. Can you swear here I'm not a fucking dog. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I know. I at least know this about you. He doesn't want to be attacked, but I at least know this about you.

[Jamila Jamil]

Tell people what soaking is.

[Nathan McIntosh]

You just jam your dick into a woman and leave it there.

[Ian Fydance]

Stop.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I'm sorry. Isn't that what it is?

[Jamila Jamil]

There's more accent.

[Ian Fydance]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

You don't jam gently Place your penis inside of a woman's vagina.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yes.

[Nathan McIntosh]

And leave it. While you both watch Severance the Penguin.

[Jamila Jamil]

And you have to be still, right? Because you're not supposed to.

[Ian Fydance]

You have to be Mormon.

[Jamila Jamil]

You have to be Mormon.

[Ian Fydance]

It's a Mormon.

[Nathan McIntosh]

You do not have to be Mormon. I've done it hundreds of times. No, you're just a lazy lover. No, you're not a lazy lover. I'm a thoughtful human being. Sometimes she has to go to work.

[Ian Fydance]

Sometimes she has motion sickness. And I don't have Dramamine, thank you.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Exactly. That's exactly right.

[Ian Fydance]

Soaking is a Mormon practice.

[Nathan McIntosh]

You put it in, you leave it. No, sometimes I don't want to use it. Haven't you ever used it enough that it gets hurt?

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You.

[Jamila Jamil]

You marinate it?

[Nathan McIntosh]

Basically, yes. It's a chicken. It's a chicken.

[Jamila Jamil]

It's a chicken. You marinate it. Okay, so we are at the Wrong Turns podcast. Generally when it comes to disasters.

[Nathan McIntosh]

We nailed it, though. It's genius. You know.

[Ian Fydance]

You know, Mormons soak because they think that if they put their penis in a vagina and they don't move, it's not sex. So God's not judging them.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Ian Fydance]

And then they get afraid friend to jump on the bed and rock the bed to that part.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I didn't.

[Ian Fydance]

The motion see that?

[Nathan McIntosh]

I didn't know.

[Jamila Jamil]

I'm glad you brought that up.

[Nathan McIntosh]

No, but that's. That's sex with another man there. And that's not what I'm going to do here for YouTube, by the way. I'm not going to pound this man's ass into you Wick.

[Jamila Jamil]

Doing it just this moment.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Clip it, clip it, clip it. But I didn't know that. I thought it was just. Which I've done for years. Just putting it in. No, it's like having a nice conversation. Both of us are engaged.

[Ian Fydance]

It's like the Catholic thing of having anal sex and being like, I'm still a virgin. It's like such a crazy religious thing.

[Nathan McIntosh]

But you can't soak that way. You can't just put your dick in a woman's ass and leave it. It's. It's all over the work.

[Jamila Jamil]

That would be crazy craziness. Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

That's not marinating. That's psycho.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

But anyways, I didn't know that there was pumping involved. I apologize.

[Ian Fydance]

If I was the jumper, I would be such a. Because I feel like this is so much more fun than what you guys are doing.

[Jamila Jamil]

Just a happy boy.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Fydance]

I know you're doing front flips and everything.

[Jamila Jamil]

So tell me, when it comes to disaster.

[Ian Fydance]

Yes.

[Jamila Jamil]

Do you have any examples of any kind of micro humiliations you can warm us up with so we can see how you really respond to life? What do you consider your micro humiliations?

[Nathan McIntosh]

Well, a small. God. A small one. A small one.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Okay. When I was a kid, my. We were like 13. My friend was the first person to get basically like a real computer in his house with the Internet.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

And I. Everybody went to bed. We were all. We used to drink really young, right. I was up. They all passed out. What's that?

[Ian Fydance]

Hell yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yeah, dude.

[Ian Fydance]

Rev.

[Nathan McIntosh]

You ever drink Rev?

[Ian Fydance]

We had four Loco.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Okay.

[Ian Fydance]

And Sparks.

[Nathan McIntosh]

So we used to drink like Mike's Hard Lemonade or Rev. And Rev was like, it's a Kool Aid with alcohol and it's disgusting. All sugar hell. And I think it was only for kids. Honest to God, I never saw an adult with a rev. Never. One time. My life. But anyways, everybody kind of passed out. I'm on the Internet. I'm a 13 year old boy. So I searched all of the. All of porn that I could think of. Everything. Www.tits. www.foot. Boobs, boobs, latin, every. Oh, vagina.com. all of it. Www.com. every single piece of a human woman. And then like blowjob.com. anyways, I don't know anything about search histories. I don't know anything about. This is the Internet now for. It just started. Does that make sense?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

So anyways, I go to bed, whatever. Two days later, my friend calls me up screaming. And he goes, dude, did you search for porn on my computer. And I was like, absolutely not. Why would I, why would, why would I, a 13 year old man boy, drunk on Rev Blue Freezy Rev, stand up here with his hard bag and search horrific porn searches.com penis. I'm from Nova Scotia. We use descriptors. So I, I, I was like, no, of course not. He goes, dude, my mom looked at the search, the history and she went through the whole thing and screamed at me and said I did it. But you did it. Just say you did it. And I go, I didn't do it anyways. He goes, okay, man, I know that you did. You're banned from my house. I wasn't allowed in his house for two years. Me and this man weren't friends and up. And even when me and him became friends again, his mom hated me so much it was insane. I would go to his house and she was like a pretty religious lady and she would just stare at me constantly like I was just going to start beating off in the kitchen. I was 13. The Internet was new. What do you want from me?

[Jamila Jamil]

I think you made the right turn and I think you should. I think this is the first time you're coming out as actually saying that this was you. This is the first time he's realized.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Damn it.

[Ian Fydance]

So funny.

[Nathan McIntosh]

God damn it. Oh no, I didn't, it was me. I didn't do it. No, I, look, there was another guy.

[Ian Fydance]

There was another guy in her grave.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Chris. She's very alive Chris. And that's why I have to change the story. It was Chris. I had, I was behind Chris, trying to pull him off of the computer.

[Jamila Jamil]

Pull him off means something very different in England, just so you know.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Does it mean beat a guy off?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, it does. Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

If I was in England, I was beating off a 13 year old boy as a 13 year old boy. But no, I was in America when I was 13 because I'm Canadian. I was pulling him off the computer as he was like, stop, please. Www.you know, big tips. Yeah. Which goes to a, used to go to a site. But it was also, you know, this is like 2000.

[Ian Fydance]

Do you remember WhiteHouse.com used to go to a porn site?

[Jamila Jamil]

No, but one time I was on Twitter and I hated Twitter and I was 23 and thought I was so funny and said I don't like this site. We should call it shitter.com and I had only children following me on Twitter. Had no idea that it is a porn website. Website of people into people's mouths. Yeah. And so I, I got into the most trouble that you can get into as a children's TV tub girls.

[Ian Fydance]

You're like allowing children to watch.

[Jamila Jamil]

That's crazy up close. And anus.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I just say that's not one of the things I searched.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, ever.

[Nathan McIntosh]

That's horrific.

[Jamila Jamil]

Well you didn't search anything. I thought.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yeah, you're right, I didn't.

[Jamila Jamil]

Right.

[Nathan McIntosh]

It was.

[Jamila Jamil]

I am your lawyer.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Thank you. Chris did. And I was pulling him off.

[Ian Fydance]

Yes.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yeah.

[Ian Fydance]

Lord can see you. Stop it, Chris.

[Jamila Jamil]

And do you have any examples of micro humiliations?

[Ian Fydance]

Well that just started getting me thinking about getting caught jerking off as a kid by a cousin.

[Jamila Jamil]

How often did that happen?

[Nathan McIntosh]

Never.

[Ian Fydance]

We're joking.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I've been there. Yeah, two dudes joking. I've been there too. But anyways, go ahead. I.

[Ian Fydance]

One time I. My grandparents said the Spice channel at their house.

[Nathan McIntosh]

House.

[Ian Fydance]

But it was, it was all.

[Jamila Jamil]

Wait, wait, what's that? Is that Indian food?

[Ian Fydance]

No, I have a bad stomach. The Spice Channel Curry at night. The Spice channel was channel 99 and it was the porno channel and some old TVs. It would be squiggly and like, like scrambled. And then every like six seconds it would come in clear.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Ian Fydance]

So you'd be like looking at it. You'd be like oh, is that an elbow or a tit? Either way I'm gonna come. You. I will never forget. I'm a huge Phillies fan. And I was at my grandparents house and their games are on channel nine. So I hit nine and it didn't go. So I hit nine again and it went to channel 99, which is the Spice channel. And it's scrambled porn. And immediately my grandmother, my grandfather's name was Danny. And my grandma goes daddy, no. And, and I go what's that? What's that? And they go that's a bad channel. You don't ever watch the bad channel. So the next day I woke up and immediately started watching the bad channel just like all day long. And then that's what I did to my grandparents house. I'd just go over and watch the bad channel. And then all of a sudden I could only do my homework in my grandparents living room. I just couldn't concentrate in my bedroom. I feel more comfortable on the couch. You need to leave me alone to do my homework in the living room at my grandparents house. Dinner, breakfast.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Lunch on the couch.

[Ian Fydance]

Yeah, I just love studying alone in a room.

[Nathan McIntosh]

In my room by myself, with all my socks. Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Did you get caught masturbating?

[Nathan McIntosh]

I Didn't really get caught masturbating. What do they call that in England?

[Jamila Jamil]

Pulling off Chris.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Okay, I didn't get, I didn't get caught pulling off my own Chris. But I just remembered, man, that I did at some point in time. God, again, when I was a teen. No, but I feel, I feel, you know, these people. So when I was like 17, my ex girlfriend's house, I. You know those, those 900 numbers? Yes, I do, Jamila. I mean, I called and I, I ran that bill up. I ran it up, man, and I felt really. I feel bad. I haven't talked about that. I haven't talked. Yeah, dude. And her mom again, her mom was like, show me the bill. And she goes, did you call like 1 900, you know, hot ass or whatever the hell it was? And I'm like, no, no, no, that wasn't me. She goes, I'm pretty sure it was. And this is like a $600 bill. And I'm just saying, buddy, those 900 numbers are not messed up.

[Jamila Jamil]

I've actually.

[Nathan McIntosh]

399Aminute.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, I've, I've, I've done this in a worse way.

[Ian Fydance]

What?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, this is bad. I, this, this is only just resurface for me. I. When I was 26, I was a prescription drug addict. For a while I'd been sick and then I really liked it. And then I. After I finished being sick, I started stayed taking the good drugs. Get into it. But yeah, so I.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Is that the piece for you these.

[Jamila Jamil]

Drugs would make Sponsored by Perkins. These drugs are supposed to make you sleepy. But I have the reverse effect of any of those drugs. I become incredibly hyper and very chatty. A nightmare. So I, at the end of the year of being 26, get my phone bill for £17,000. And I was like, what the fuck? And I have no idea why. And so I phoned the phone company. I'm like, I think you've added a few zeros. This is a crazy phone bill. And they were like, no, you've been phoning these numbers in the middle of the night. And they're all X directory phone numbers. And I have no idea what they're talking about because I have no recollection of this. Because as chatty and alive as these things make me, I unfortunately, I unfortunately don't remember. I have no. I black out. I have no recollection of it. So essentially I've been calling a combination of sex workers and psychics throughout the night for hours on end, every single night at like 60 pence per minute. And I've just been telling them all my secrets. So there are literally thousands of hours somewhere with. Because they record these calls for safety purposes. There are thousands of calls of me saying God knows what fucking shit to sex workers and psychics that exist from the year 2012. And I would have probably given my name and given other celebrities names just.

[Ian Fydance]

Spilling all the way uncover these tapes.

[Jamila Jamil]

And tapes like this is. But I've only just. Is only just recently.

[Ian Fydance]

That's incredible. And you have no memory of.

[Jamila Jamil]

No recollection, no idea what I said, but for one year, I called the shit out of the 900 numbers.

[Nathan McIntosh]

So it's so crazy to think of, like, calling a psychic and being like, hey, am I gonna call the sex worker? They're like, you absolutely are. You're on Percocet. I'm just making that part up. 17,000 is crazy. I don't even feel bad.

[Jamila Jamil]

They were the only people who would talk to me in the middle of the night. So I was like. I was willing to pay for it anyway.

[Ian Fydance]

I guess another embarrassing thing was me and this girl who were best friends to this day. And we laugh about it, but on 911 we got out of school and she and I had made out at like, a dance like, a week prior. So we were like, crushing on each other and everything. And so 911 happened. We got let out of school, and she called me and was like, hey, my parents aren't home. Come over. I have the house to myself. Let's do this.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Ian Fydance]

And I was like, so excited. Oh, my God.

[Jamila Jamil]

Hey, no one fingered me till I was 23.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Okay? Like, oh, my God. We're not. Not skipping over that.

[Jamila Jamil]

No, it's.

[Nathan McIntosh]

If you don't think we're not going back to that.

[Jamila Jamil]

I was just saying, like, I get really happy when I hear about people who are younger than me. Not too young, but younger than me getting an opportunity.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Will you be happy?

[Jamila Jamil]

I think I'd never.

[Ian Fydance]

Easy, Drake.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, exactly.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I am from Canada. What's too young?

[Jamila Jamil]

Under the teens. Under the teens.

[Ian Fydance]

Under.

[Nathan McIntosh]

How the hell do you. Anyways, go ahead. Any.

[Ian Fydance]

Anytime the word teed craps up, you stay away. Plus five. And I was 14.

[Nathan McIntosh]

What? Go ahead, continue.

[Ian Fydance]

How old were they?

[Nathan McIntosh]

A hundred. Finish your story.

[Ian Fydance]

Well, I appreciate you being happy for me with me losing my virginity on 9 11. Thank you. But that didn't happen because my mom thought terrorists.

[Jamila Jamil]

I didn't.

[Ian Fydance]

We're gonna fly the planes in the office buildings near our house in Wilmington, Delaware. And she Wouldn't let me go to this girl's house.

[Jamila Jamil]

So it's on 9 11. On 9 11, right?

[Nathan McIntosh]

First. First plane hit the tower. Second one is still in the air.

[Ian Fydance]

First plane hit the tower. She's wet. Second blade.

[Nathan McIntosh]

It's still intense.

[Ian Fydance]

She's like, I need you to attack this. And I. She was like, I want this to be an inside job.

[Nathan McIntosh]

And. And then I soaked her, and she.

[Ian Fydance]

Wanted me to come over. I'm like, oh, my God, it's going to happen. And then my mom. We had. We lived behind a shopping center, and my fucking mom was like, you're not leaving me. The terrorists could fly planes into the shopping center. Like, yeah, they're going to. They want to get back in Americ American, get rid of an Annie says or forever 21. Yeah, yeah. Oh, hey, Whoa. Oh. The. The Eckard's drugstore is gonna get destroyed. So then she doesn't let me go, and she thinks terrorists are going to fly their planes onto, like, Concord pike and Wilmington, Delaware. And then I find out that she has another guy go to her house instead. Since I can't go over there. They do the deal. They date for six months, and then I get redemption. So you're right. 911 was my pointing at himself.

[Nathan McIntosh]

It was me. I was in Wilmington. I don't tell this story a lot, but I was in Wilmington, Delaware, for about two, three, six months. And it was. I got there September 10th. Shut up. September 11th. September 11th, I got a phone call from a very nice young woman, and I went there, and we pounded each other soaked. Soaked for a couple of months. And then I went back to Canada.

[Ian Fydance]

Well, when you went back to Canada, oh, Ian stepped in, and I had my redemption arc.

[Jamila Jamil]

She.

[Ian Fydance]

I was this. This was my. My junior year. 911 was my junior year. And then going into freshman year, college, I think I was like, 18. And she.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Pardon me.

[Ian Fydance]

Gave me my first blow job from a woman.

[Nathan McIntosh]

What's up?

[Ian Fydance]

And just left you hanging?

[Nathan McIntosh]

I didn't know. I didn't see until a second ago. But, yeah, good job.

[Ian Fydance]

Thanks.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Both taxpayers.

[Ian Fydance]

Me and the fellas have been doing it for a couple years. Know what I mean? Come on.

[Jamila Jamil]

Okay.

[Ian Fydance]

But she blew me and then brought me to her house and was like, hey, it'd be really hot if you came on my face. And I'm 18. I'd never been with a girl before. And I just pictured myself standing there and her being like, hurry it up. And me just be like, I can't. So I go, well, what if you Help me with your mouth. And she goes, I think you should just go.

[Jamila Jamil]

Wait, wait, she already given you a blowjob that night?

[Ian Fydance]

Yeah, but I didn't come because we were driving and Billy Joel's Captain Jack is playing radio.

[Jamila Jamil]

Second half of the blowjob, I guess.

[Ian Fydance]

Yeah, I mean, we were fucked up kids.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Fydance]

What do you want?

[Nathan McIntosh]

You said that, so I.

[Ian Fydance]

But I've lived with that ever since of like. Why did I have to say, like, in my head I've heard in a million different mocking tones, like, why don't you help me with your mouth, you idiot. Why would you say that? Just. Ray, if someone asks if you're a God, you say yes. Ian, if someone asks you to come on their face, you say yes. You don't overthink it. You don't go, well, what if you did that? No, you just rip it and run it. You pull it like a Paul or whatever you say in that funky town you live in. Pull it like a Steve. Chris.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Pull, pulling up, Pull off.

[Jamila Jamil]

Crazy pull off.

[Ian Fydance]

And you pull off.

[Nathan McIntosh]

You pull off, you shoot out and you.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, Jesus Christ. I can't believe we're only in the first act. We're gonna go to a quick, much needed break.

[Nathan McIntosh]

There's no breaks here. We're canceling us today. Jamila, those are done.

[Ian Fydance]

It's just like I'm done.

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[Nathan McIntosh]

Hey, I'm Paige Desorbo and I'm always thinking about underwear.

[Jamila Jamil]

I'm Hannah Burner and I'm also thinking about underwear, but I prefer full coverage. I like to call them my granny panties.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Actually, I never think about underwear. That's the magic of Tommy John.

[Jamila Jamil]

Same. They're so light and so comfy. And if it's not comfortable, I'm not wearing it.

[Nathan McIntosh]

And the bras? Soft, supportive and actually breathable.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yes. Lord knows the girls need to breathe. Also, I need my PJs to breathe and be buttery, soft and stretchy enough for my dramatic tossing and turning at night. That's why I live in my Tommy John pajamas.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Plus, they're so cute because they fit perfectly.

[Jamila Jamil]

Put yourself on to Tommy John.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Upgrade your drawer with Tommy John. Save 25% for a limited time at tommyjohn.com comfort. See site for details.

[Jamila Jamil]

And we are back.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Just keep them here.

[Jamila Jamil]

Spudding, everyone, for fuck sake. Spudding. Spudding, yeah. What do you call that? A fist bump?

[Ian Fydance]

Fist bumping?

[Jamila Jamil]

Spudding.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yeah. Two potatoes. I get it.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I'm Commonwealth. I get a little bit of the Narnia talk that you guys do. Yeah, I just like reassured communication.

[Jamila Jamil]

No, it's fine. It's fine. Nathan, tell me, what was your big wrong turn? Fuck off.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Ian, can I just say real quick, did you spot again?

[Ian Fydance]

Yeah, yeah, I slowly went for a spot.

[Nathan McIntosh]

There's a place in Halifax called Bud the Spud. He's a fry truck. Anyways, that's it.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, sure.

[Nathan McIntosh]

One time I was beaten off in front of that truck and the guy. No, I'm kidding. Anyways, I order some fries. They're taking a long time. I decide to pull off now that I'm thinking of this, though. No. So can I real quick. And then I'll get back into whatever it was. But I lost my virginity at 14.

[Jamila Jamil]

Okay. That's very young.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yeah. I didn't have a dad. Okay, me neither.

[Ian Fydance]

And I waited till 19.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Eight.

[Momentous Supplement Advertiser]

Loser.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Me neither.

[Jamila Jamil]

22.

[Ian Fydance]

Hours combined.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I was 14. I was 14.

[Jamila Jamil]

Grade 8, Daedalus Rangers.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yeah, go, go. Deadless. I was 14. Grade 8. Exam. This lady, grade 9. Her exam. So we decided we're going to meet up after our exams. Morning time. I write an exam, fail it miserably. There's no way I pass this thing. Horrible. And then I meet this woman. Then we get on the bus. We get on the bus to go to our house. Two little 14, 15 year olds.

[Ian Fydance]

Did you do it on the bus?

[Nathan McIntosh]

No, we did not do it on the bus. But think about waiting on the bus. A bus. A bus. There's people there biting other people. It's a hellscape. People are covering their own piss and we're just waiting. Like when we get home, we're gonna. It's disgusting. We get to her house, the sun is out.

[Jamila Jamil]

To focus on so much, on staying horny in that situation. Yeah, yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

And I, I was, I didn't know what I was doing, obviously. Neither of us did. So I put on a condom backwards.

[Ian Fydance]

And you meant like before you got to the house?

[Jamila Jamil]

No, he shoved it up his house. Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I put, I put cocaine on it and swallowed it and crossed the Colombian border. I, I, I put it on backwards. And she was like, you can't, you can't. You have to get a whole other condom because now there's like pre come on it and I'll get pregnant or whatever. So I'm like, well, that's gone. Condom thrown. And I get another one. I put it on and. But then I don't know what I'm doing, right? I don't know what I'm doing. She doesn't know what she's doing. It's hell, you know, I'm in, the sun is up and I don't know that I'm supposed to thrust. And there's no man jumping on my back. There's no Mormon man kicking my ass into this woman's business. So I take the bed and I'm pulling, I'm like doing pull ups with the bed.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh my God.

[Nathan McIntosh]

And I came in four seconds. Like, you know, four, literally four. Her dog was in the corner watching. Stuart. Stuart. Dog's name was Stuart. And, and silently judging the whole time. Is this going okay, son? Is completely up. It's horrifying. Anyways, she gets very upset afterwards because she was like, no, no, it's way too tiny to break.

[Jamila Jamil]

Four seconds.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yeah, yeah. And I'm a 14 year old, tiny little scrawn boy. Yeah, buddy. I'm not like doing actual. I'm not Goggins. I'm like on a sheet going like, it's horrible. I can't believe I did that. Cut that, cut that.

[Momentous Supplement Advertiser]

The.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Cut it, clip it and cut it, cut it. So the. So anyways, she was like, don't you want to call everybody and let them know what just happened? And I'm like, no, I don't. She got very sad about that and was like, I knew it. She starts crying. She's like, I knew it. Sex changes everything. And then I had to sit there because she was like in a town over from me. I had to sit there until her mom came home. Her mom made us chicken and then drove me home. So just a horrible day. Oh, not the worst day in the world, but like a weird little day.

[Ian Fydance]

Do you think about that often?

[Nathan McIntosh]

No, but I'm just saying now that you brought up like, you know what I mean? That was like. Yeah, but it's just so weird. You, you, it's, it's weird. What a weird 14. Good for you for waiting till 23.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, that was not a choice. Oh yeah, well, good for you. I was throwing it out there.

[Nathan McIntosh]

How.

[Jamila Jamil]

Everyone throwing it back.

[Ian Fydance]

How did people say no to you?

[Jamila Jamil]

I just, I have a very sexy vibe. I've said this before I met Harvey Weinstein and he was like, nah, no.

[Ian Fydance]

I was just throwing it out there. And they were like, no.

[Jamila Jamil]

Damn it. Anyway, Nathan.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Your wrong turn.

[Nathan McIntosh]

So wrong turn. There's a couple of them. Whatever. So. So the one I can think of currently.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, okay.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I'm eight. Eight year old boy, tiny boy. I'm. I used to be a really good student. Okay.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

So I was sitting in class and I had to use the bathroom. So I raised my hand like a good boy. And the teacher did not call on me. So I'm just, I'm just sitting there violently needing to go to the bathroom.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

And teachers not calling on me. Some idiot, some goof, some dumb little dork kid gets up and they have like a painting of whatever, a mountain, a hill, whatever the hell you draw when you're eight. They go, they go up to the teacher and they're like, Mrs. Deacon, look. So now she's fully engrossed in a painting of trash. A trash 8 year old's painting. I'm in the back like this and I am, I am like vibrating. I am losing it. But in my head I'm like I can't just get up and leave because that's not what you do at eight. I can't just get up out of this grade three class and leave. So I'm shaking. I'm losing it. I'm like, I'm gonna. This is. You know, I should also say that there was two girls in that class who I had giant crushes on. Deanne and Christina. Violent crushes on both of these ladies.

[Jamila Jamil]

What does a violent crush mean?

[Nathan McIntosh]

I go home and I punch things at 8.

[Ian Fydance]

Oh, my God.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Kidding.

[Jamila Jamil]

Punches his cock.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Work at 8, become bigger, grow four years faster. So I'm. I, I'm. I. But I, you know, so I'm in my head thinking, like, I'm gonna piss myself. I'm gonna piss myself. And I'm just like, please. In my head, please. Because I didn't even want to say anything. That's what a good little boy I was. I'm like, in my head, I'm like, Mrs. Deacon, please. Jesus. Anyways, she doesn't. I. I absolutely erupt, fully pissed myself. You know those, like, those wooden desks that are one piece?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yes.

[Nathan McIntosh]

The giant.

[Ian Fydance]

The ones that are allergic to piss.

[Nathan McIntosh]

The ones that when you piss in them, they turn blue. So I. I piss them chairs pregnant. Whoa. It's going to have another desk. No. I piss in this thing and I'm talking. Jamila, I cannot express the level of piss. Piss. Oh, oh. We're talking, like, the sides. So this. They had, like, holes in the sides where you'd put, like, your binders and all that kind of stuff. Pisses flying, flying down these sides. Rip. Just. Just raining. People are looking. Dan's looking, Christina's looking. And I'm just sitting there.

[Jamila Jamil]

What's happened? Have you pulled your pants down?

[Nathan McIntosh]

No, I cannot stress enough. I think I was wearing sweatpants. There's the violent level. I'm going to say violent again. The violent level of piss that came outside of my body. I don't know if I had pissed that entire week thinking about it now. Like, I don't. I think that whole week I had not pissed and decided this was the one day I was going to piss.

[Jamila Jamil]

And thinking of that tsunami in 2001. I'm imagining that. Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yes. Gilbert Godfrey also got fired for making a joke about the piss that I.

[Ian Fydance]

I am dying laughing at Jamila's face because I'm just playing sounds of silence in my head. It's like you're like this, like, like.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I know. Unplussed, not moved, doesn't care. So I I, I, I, It's Jamila. I'll tell you this. I've been looking around the room a lot because your face. I know, I, her face is really like, I absolutely know. Lady said she meant fucking Harvey Weissy. I'm taking a piss in my own seat. And that's a problem. He's beating off into potted plants. She twisted potted plants.

[Ian Fydance]

She twisted her head off like an owl when you were talking about your other stories.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Gwyneth Paltrow couldn't be in a movie for six fucking years. I pissed myself when I'm eight shakes this lady's foundation. So I, I, I look, Jamila, I'll finish the story as quick as I can and we can move on. Please.

[Ian Fydance]

Piss yourself. Christina wouldn't fuck you.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Stop it. I pissed myself, okay? So much piss. And then finally Mrs. Deegan goes, yes, Nathan. I go, can I go to the bathroom?

[Jamila Jamil]

Why?

[Nathan McIntosh]

So I had to stop because I'm sitting in my own pants. So I had to stand up and walk through the entire class. Pissed everywhere. And I went to the bathroom and I'm standing there looking at me and she had seen me walk out, obviously. So she comes into the bathroom, was like, are you okay? And I'm just saying, like, no, I'm covering piss. She had to call my mom. My mom had to come to the school and pick me up. I delete the school and I'm assuming they had to mop up my piss. And that little dork idiot with the fucking painting, that piece of shit.

[Jamila Jamil]

What a cunt.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yes. Anyways, I went back to school the next day and people were really looking at me fucking weird anyway, like, they like your face currently.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, yeah. Sorry. This is just my face.

[Ian Fydance]

Well, no, it's just good to know that you're over it.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I will not ever wait to use the bathroom ever again though, in my entire life. I'll tell you right now, I'll get out of any situation I've walked off of stage.

[Jamila Jamil]

Do you find that the second the seatbelt sign goes on on an airplane, you've never needed to piss more in your life?

[Ian Fydance]

That was me yesterday.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Ian Fydance]

Four times I got up from my window seat and went to the bathroom and the woman was angry.

[Nathan McIntosh]

This is why I don't do window. I'm aisle every day I do window.

[Jamila Jamil]

And I just ask at the very beginning, we you prefer I ask you to move or I jump over you. I feel the first thing I say.

[Ian Fydance]

Like I have to be like a parent with a baby who's riding a plane for the first time and give them a note with candy. Be like I'm going to be using the bathroom a lot. I apologize.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. My my song for myself is we gon pee all night. We gon pee all night. That's. Yeah. And that's why I lost my virginity in my 20s. Anyway, we're gonna go to a quick break.

[Nathan McIntosh]

There are no breaks.

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Systems react after a break in begins. That's too late. Simplisafe is different. It's proactive Active Guard Outdoor Protection uses AI powered cameras to spot suspicious activity before criminals get inside. Live monitoring agents can see, speak to and scare off intruders in real time, quickly calling police if needed. To get 60% off your new system, go to SimpliSafe.com podcast that's SimpliSafe.com podcast for 60% off. There's no safe like Simplisafe. A lot of supplement brands chase trends, but if you're serious about your health, we know research backed science is what actually moves the needle. Momentous works with the best brains in human science to create every formula and every batch is made of pure ingredients tested for safety and does not contain fillers so you get the best long term result possible. Creatine isn't just for muscle gains. It's essential daily fuel for your brain, body and long term performance. Momentous Creapure Creatine is backed by leading performance experts like Dr. Andrew Huberman and Dr. Stacey Sims. Sourced exclusively in Germany, Creapure sets the gold standard for creatine, delivering the purest form creatine monohydrate that's rigorously washed and never cut with fillers. With over 2,000 five star reviews, over 112,000 customers have seen the results firsthand With Momentous, the fundamentals are done right. Right now Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first subscription order with promo code Acast. Go to livemomentous.com and use promo code Acast for up to 35% off your first Subscription Order. That's livemomentous.com promo code, Acast.

[Jamila Jamil]

And we are back. All right, Ian, what's your fucking wrong turn?

[Ian Fydance]

I don't know if I can top that story.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I have worse wrong turn turns. Leave me alone. Go ahead. Stupid prick. Both you guys, the faces. Holy hell. I was eight. Does anybody give a. I was eight, tiny little boy.

[Jamila Jamil]

And I could see from the color of your face right now that that really hurt you.

[Nathan McIntosh]

And I know why Terry left your country.

[Jamila Jamil]

Because of my face?

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yes. It's because of how every English person looks at red haired people. Like little ghouls, like little witches that run around ruining the butter.

[Jamila Jamil]

I love red hair headed people.

[Ian Fydance]

In 2013, okay, I was highly addicted to coke. I was on a hot one for a long time. And my coke dealer got me a job with his cousin at a financial analysis firm so that I could keep buying coke from him. And I ended up getting arrested before the job interview. The night before the job interview, I got caught drinking in the street. And I. When the cops called me, I put a. I put the 40. I was like, okay, I'll throw it out. And I put in the trash can. And when they went away, I pulled it out of the trash can. I was like, you. And I started drinking again. And another cop car came around and arrested me and threw me in jail because I had a warrant for a unpaid drinking public ticket. So I got thrown in jail and I hadn't been in jail in a while, and so I.

[Jamila Jamil]

How are you feeling?

[Ian Fydance]

Nervous that I was going to miss my job interview. The next day, men were taking their shirts off and doing push ups and throwing orange peels at this guy who was going through alcohol withdrawal. People were hoarding their cheese sandwiches. Everybody was friends except for me. I was the last kid picked a kickball. During the whole time, I thought I was gonna get killed. They let me keep my rings on for religious purposes because one of the cops was like, you might need it for a weapon. I was like, oh, my God. And so I kept asking these guys, I'm like, you think we'll get out soon? Like, shut the up. So then I finally get my. To the cage to see my lawyer and they let me out. And when everyone is leaving, everyone's like, all right, stay up, fam. I see you on the outside later, Kevin. And then when I'm leaving, they're like, good luck at the job. And they called me the. The F1 and oh my God. Go, dude. When they release you from jail, they take everything. You don't even have shoelaces. So I'm at. I. It's like I respawned in Call of Duty and I gotta get from like one place in Manhattan all the way to my spot in Brooklyn. So I get there, I haven't slept. I do. I blast a bunch of coke. So I'm like, okay, for the interview. And then I'm sitting at the interview and my jaws on the other side of the room and my. The boss, the interviewer is like, how was your. How was your morning? And I was like, it was fine. And I'm just going through like a little shop of horrors in my head of everything I just witnessed. And then cut to it was a three month probationary period. And I fucked up so bad at the job. I only had the job so I could keep paying my drug dealer. But the drug dealer did more for me, for my employment than the government did for me when I was on unemployment. And it was terrible. I didn't know how to do the job. I kept getting in trouble for talking too quiet on the phone because I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't want anyone to catch me. And then I would just show up drunk. And I kept losing my phones and getting stuff stolen. And I had the office be like my mailbox. So I kept getting new phones sent.

[Jamila Jamil]

To me and are you high this whole time?

[Ian Fydance]

I'm drunk drunk the whole time. Like, I'm sure I'm drinking Irish Rose on the way to work. I'm like puking when I get there. I'm leaving to go drink just because if I wasn't there, then I couldn't get in trouble. And they couldn't fire me because we had a contract. So then, like counting down the minutes, like the very day that it was up, they brought me in the office. They're like, you have to leave. And I was like, I understand.

[Jamila Jamil]

Straight out of there. Is that the only time you've ever been fired?

[Ian Fydance]

I think so. I was always a good employee, but when I was drinking, I was terrible. Oh, no. I got fired years later from teaching.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Because you didn't call on a kid who wanted to go to the bathroom?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, exactly.

[Nathan McIntosh]

That kid ended up pissing himself. Yes, yes, yes.

[Jamila Jamil]

I got fired from a job because my manager went away for a few weeks and she left me in charge. And I was in my maybe late teens, early 20s, I think maybe I was like 20, 21. She was like, I trust you with this. I don't trust any of the boys. I was working in a video store. It's like, my favorite job I've ever owned. I watched Clerks when I was a teenager, and I was like, I'm just gonna do that forever. And my dream was to do that forever, forever. But then, obviously, the Internet murdered my industry, so I. So I decided I was like, great, okay, I'm gonna be super responsible. I'm gonna do my job really well. And what we had on at the time was a deal that you could get, like, a Haagen Dazs if you, you know, like the ice cream if you rent two movies over two days. And I was like, this is great. I had never had Haagen Dazs before. And so I tasted the Prilliens and cream, and it. I, like, lit a fire in me that I have never experienced before. And I became addicted to Haagen Daz immediately that day. And I started just going through one tub after the other, just being like, oh, it's fine. We have a deal on at the moment. Like, some people won't want their ice creams anyway because everyone's on a diet in this area. It's heroin chic. I'll be fine. So I start eating 1, 2. 2 becomes 10, 10 becomes 20. By the end of the two weeks, I finished all of the Haagen Dazs in two fridges of Haagen Dazs. And I am like, fuck, what am I gonna do? I don't have the money to pay for this. They were like 4 pounds each, which is like $8 or something, or $7. I don't know how the economy's doing at the moment. So I tell her that the freezer broke while she was away, and I unplug it and make sure it goes up in temperature. And I tell her that that's where all the ice creams have gone. And I don't know that the camera that. That's behind the till that she said doesn't work very much. So does work. And she brings me in and makes me stand there and watch me on fast forward going back and forth across two weeks to the refrigerator again and again and again before she fires me. And it was one of the most humiliating moments of my entire life. So. Yes.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Was this before or after you'd lost your Virginia virginity?

[Jamila Jamil]

This was before.

[Nathan McIntosh]

That story checks out. That checks out there. That one checks out. Such a. No, I can't tonight. I'm on about 286 pounds of ice cream.

[Jamila Jamil]

Hey. It's where I met my boyfriend. You know, we're at Overeaters. He also worked at the store, and we both had a posh offer, the Haagen Dazs.

[Ian Fydance]

That's great. That's awesome.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I got. I used to work at Future Shop in Canada. It was like a Best Buy. Same deal, huh? And I was. I worked in the home theater department, and we were on commission. So, you know, if you sell something, you get money. If you don't, you don't. And I'm very bad at sales, but I can talk to people. So people would come in and I'd be like, hey, how are you? And they'd be like, I'm just looking. And I'm like, I'm just talking. So I would just talk to people for minutes at a time. All this. I would just talk. I'm talking about movies. I would talk about whatever. And then another actual salesperson would come over and sell them things because I didn't give a fuck.

[Jamila Jamil]

Amazing.

[Nathan McIntosh]

So my manager one time, she was, Nathan, you know you have quotas, right? And I go, no. Yeah, I guess. What do you mean? She goes, last month, you were supposed to sell $25,000 worth of stuff. Stuff. She goes, you know what you did? I go, no. She goes, zero, zero. You sold nothing. So you cost the company $25,000. Me? Yeah. So then that.

[Jamila Jamil]

But you were fluffing them.

[Nathan McIntosh]

The other guy was coming into the kitchen. Balls of the sale. Yes, I absolutely did.

[Jamila Jamil]

I knew it was in you. I knew it was something that you had.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Damn you. This was the ice cream comment, isn't it? God damn you, Jamila. But, yeah, that day, she was basically like, I was relegated to making TV stands. She was like, I'm not even gonna have you on the floor anymore because it's useless. So she goes, just go over here and make a TV stand. So I'd be in the home theater department, banging away at shit. People were like, can you help me with it? I'm like, I can't. I gotta sit here and make a fucking table.

[Ian Fydance]

Anyway, I've been reduced to cobbler.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Basically. I'm blacksmith now.

[Ian Fydance]

Oh, my God.

[Jamila Jamil]

This has been both incredibly fun and quite stressful. And it's been hard to gauge if we're friends or not half of the time, but it feels like we are. But I feel very bonded to both of you now, and you're never getting rid of me. Sorry. Before you go, I'm gonna read you a listener story.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Why don't I get a story?

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, because you're never getting rid of me now. That's it.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I'm gonna be.

[Jamila Jamil]

You take everything as an attack.

[Ian Fydance]

That's what I'm saying.

[Nathan McIntosh]

When you first come in. When you first come in and people look at you and they say you're the guy that'll hold the balls, you would take it. You would take it.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think you've justified entirely with your final story. Why you give off that energy.

[Ian Fydance]

Thank you.

[Jamila Jamil]

I don't think you have a fucking.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Also, you can't talk to people. You're not allowed to talk to people. I'm sorry. We have a whole thing to get to. I apologize. I don't know if we. If you talk to me right now, we're gonna do a whole other five minutes with a whole other thing. There's a whole show going on. This is Jamila's podcast.

[Jamila Jamil]

Please, before you both go. Before you both go, we have a listener story. Who wrote in? This is from Sarah, who says, when I was 16, my godmother convinced me to go fishing with her, which terrified me. It was at a fishery, so all you had to do was dangle your hook in the water and pull up a fish a little bit, like, soaking, I guess. The only time I tried it, the fish fought back. The only time I tried it, the fish kind of the same smell. The only time I tried it, the fish fought back so hard that the hook came loose and ended up inside my fucking eye.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Jesus. No.

[Jamila Jamil]

Why? Multiple surgeries later. I have 80% vision, my eyes are now different colors, and I really enjoy telling this story at dinner parties. Oh, my Jesus. Fuck me. Christ, Sarah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I wonder if one of them's like a fish eye. Like just a black, dark death eye, like a pirate. Oh, you never went fishing as a kid, I assume?

[Jamila Jamil]

No.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Okay. Okay.

[Jamila Jamil]

What was it about him that gave. Never been.

[Nathan McIntosh]

The whole thing. Every piece of it. Every single piece of it. I mean, Jamila.

[Ian Fydance]

Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Let's get serious. Every single. But that's fine. You don't have to go fishing. I was just. I was just assuming that you didn't. If you did, you did.

[Jamila Jamil]

You're not a real man, Ian, calm down. Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

[Nathan McIntosh]

No, but I just assumed that you didn't. But if you did, you did.

[Ian Fydance]

I. I did. Until my dad died tragically at 8 years old when you were pissing yourself and I was going through a real trauma. But anyway, go ahead.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Was your dad. Your dad. Was you eaten? Did he fall off the boat? Is that what happened? You guys were Fishing. And that's. Well, you can never have fish sticks again. What happened? I apologize. So I fished with your dad as well. I didn't fish with your dad. I didn't fish with my own dad.

[Ian Fydance]

Yeah, you didn't have a dad.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I didn't have a dad. I fished with my grandfather. I didn't have a dad. I met my dad once.

[Momentous Supplement Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Ian Fydance]

Really? I'll meet my dad.

[Jamila Jamil]

All right, guys. What is this, Oprah? Like, get back to the thing.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Anyways, I was asking if you would fish. You had fish.

[Ian Fydance]

Yeah, I fish.

[Nathan McIntosh]

All right, man. Jesus.

[Ian Fydance]

And then I fish. Fish with an uncle.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Good.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, we know how that goes. Sorry. Go.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I was. I was.

[Ian Fydance]

And then I blacked out for six years. I don't know what happened.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Now I go to these meetings.

[Ian Fydance]

People talk about things, and now I have a therapy.

[Nathan McIntosh]

I was just wondering if you'd ever gone to the fishing. The actual fishery place my grandfather always hated.

[Ian Fydance]

What is a fishery? Fisheries. Where they have the dead fish.

[Nathan McIntosh]

We would call them to eat. He would call them like. It's like a fish farm.

[Jamila Jamil]

That's Whole Foods.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Sorry. Go on.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Anyways, a fish farm is just like a big circle with a bunch of fish in it.

[Ian Fydance]

Yes.

[Nathan McIntosh]

And it's useless and dumb and my grandfather hated it because all this fish is bullshit. So. It also sucks that she wasn't even, like, fish fishing.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Nathan McIntosh]

And this thing snapped and ruined her fucking vision. That's horrible, because you least want to be out there, look at a boat.

[Jamila Jamil]

It's so horrifying that I don't know if I'm ever going to fully recover from that visual.

[Ian Fydance]

It is so horrifying when I. Do you guys ever use resistance bands to exercise? I'm always afraid when I'm doing this.

[Jamila Jamil]

It'S going to snap and hit me. Slap you in the face. That's happened to me before.

[Ian Fydance]

Really?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah. You two have been fucking phenomenal. I really have enjoyed this time together.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Very nice to meet you.

[Jamila Jamil]

Thank you so much for coming to Wrong Turns. Before you go, can you tell everyone where they can find you and what you want them to look at and listen to me first, Nathan.

[Nathan McIntosh]

Thank you.

[Jamila Jamil]

Angry Nathan.

[Nathan McIntosh]

No, I'm a happy. You can follow me at. Nathan McIntosh. M A C I N T O S H And I got two comedy specials on YouTube called Money Never Wakes and Down with Tech. Please check them out. I got shows coming up and all that stuff.

[Jamila Jamil]

Great. Ian.

[Ian Fydance]

You can find me on Instagram. Ianimal69ianfinance.com For all my tour dates. I'm on the road till the end of 2025. I'll be in your town. Come on out, grab a ticket. The special is Ian Finance Wild, Happy and free on YouTube. And my podcast is Being Ian with Jordan and that comes out every Wednesday with me and my best friend Jordan Jensen.

[Jamila Jamil]

It's a good time. It feels like the only right way to end this for us all to fist bump just one last time altogether. There we go. Bye guys. Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com youm can find full length videos of our episodes on YouTube. YouTube. And don't forget to subscribe like review wherever you get your podcasts and tell your friends about us. And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called a Low Desire to Please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now. Bye.

[Nathan McIntosh]

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[Ian Fydance]

Plan with the price that never goes up.

[Nathan McIntosh]

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