Ian Lara and Michael Blieden

Summary

Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil

Episode: Ian Lara and Michael Blyden
Date: April 16, 2026
Host: Jameela Jamil
Guests: Ian Lara (comedian), Michael Blyden (writer/director)

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Overview

This episode of Wrong Turns features comedians Ian Lara and Michael Blyden joining host Jameela Jamil for a hilarious and cringe-filled deep dive into personal disasters, life's humiliating moments, and wrong turns that left them scarred, seasoned, or doubled over with laughter. The show revels in misfortune without silver linings, leaning into shameful incidents and embarrassing stories both petty and epic. Expect tales of germ warfare from parenting, disastrous school performances, audition horror shows, and awkward social missteps—plus audience confessionals even more mortifying than the hosts’ own.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Parenting, Kids, and the Biology of Germ-Avoidance

• Michael shares the realities of parenting two young children (ages 5 and 7), confiding how his son once forced him to smell a finger coated in mystery bodily substances, terrorizing his germaphobe instincts (03:00).
  • "It's a mixture of fecal smell and anal gland smell. And then just, like, other associated smells. And I was so nauseated..." (03:10, Michael Blyden)
• Jameela reacts viscerally, joking her “uterus zipped up” at the thought (04:09), and marvels at the masochism of germaphobes having children.
• Theme: The challenge of meeting disaster and humiliation head-on as a parent, versus (child-free) Ian and Jameela’s relatively disaster-free mornings.
  • "Cuddling is the most incredible feeling you'll ever have...and then they'll cough in your face." (04:34, Michael Blyden)

2. Disaster Chasing vs. Disaster Avoidance

• Ian reveals his penchant for “chasing the chaos,” explaining that early in his comedy career, he felt compelled to accrue “life experience” for material, actively seeking out situations for the sake of future stories (06:36).
  • "I spent my 20s trying to gather life experience, but I didn't know that life experience comes naturally. You don't have to run into a burning house..." (06:36, Ian Lara)
• Jameela sums it up: "Life is the burning house. Especially after your 20s, right?" (07:05, Jameela Jamil)

3. Micro-Humiliations: The Everyday Wrong Turns

Ian’s Micro-Humiliation (Comedy Club Heckler)

• Story: During a near-sold out show in Chicago, Ian had to deal with an overly “supportive” heckler—who derails the show with loud affirmations, then gets progressively disruptive (08:44–14:16).
• Escalation: In asking him to sit in the back, the man starts shouting the N-word in a “rapper casual” (but still cringe) way, leading to even more confusion and tension in the club, particularly as the staff are also white and unsure how to react.
  • "On the way to the back, he starts yelling out the N word, but not in an offensive way. He's saying it like he's black...like, 'N words can't even laugh no more.'" (10:25, Ian Lara)
• Climax: The heckler gets kicked out, runs into the street, gets (gently) hit by a car, and later tries to blast Ian on YouTube for being “kicked out.” Ian shuts it down with the promise of video evidence.
  • "'I have the footage of you yelling the N word. If you want, I can post it and tag you in it...'" (13:37, Ian Lara)
• Jameela: "I like that. The universe ran him over. And yet still he didn't take the hint. Zero lessons learned." (13:58, Jameela Jamil)

Michael’s Micro-Humiliation (Car Podcast Incident)

• Story: Michael attempts to bond with a Black Teamster driver on a long commute via a history podcast (“Hardcore History”). One minute in, the host asks, “Are white people special?” (17:32–22:30)
  • "Are white people special? I couldn't think of a decent way to say it, so I thought I'd just say it and live with the consequences." (17:35, Dan Carlin [read by Michael])
• Panic: Michael freezes, unsure whether to stop the podcast, hoping the thoughtful host will self-correct. As the minutes crawl by, both stew in awkwardness; Michael finally pauses it and awkwardly clarifies he has no racist agenda. Driver is relieved.
  • "I said, let me just pause this and tell you that I am not trying to tell you something by play. I did not know what this was about." (22:16, Michael Blyden)
• Jameela: "I would jump out of the moving car. That's what I would have done. I think that's actually the only way to handle that situation. Just eject." (20:19, Jameela Jamil)
• Ian: "If I was black Michael, I would want to know, are white people special? What's the answer?" (20:30, Ian Lara)

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4. Big Wrong Turns: Defining Disasters

Ian’s Big Wrong Turn (Fifth Grade Rap Debacle)

(26:20–36:16)

• Setup: Inspired by Lil Bow Wow and Nickelodeon logic, 5th-grade Ian crafts a song, recruits backup dancers, organizes costumes, and plans an impromptu school assembly performance expecting instant stardom.
• Everything Goes Wrong:
  • The teacher refuses to play the beat—no backing music for his rap.
  • Backup dancers are disoriented, there’s no introduction, and he’s forced to perform a rap acapella to a chaotic cafeteria.
  • The performance tanks, classmates mock him, and he, plus the mortified dancers (including his crush), go home early from shame.
• Reflection:
  • "I ended up doing. I do two verses, three verses I wrote for the song. I do two. By the second verse, everybody's like, what is this? Like, this is insane..." (34:03, Ian Lara)
  • Jameela empathizes, sharing her own childhood mortification performing a sexually explicit song, Mein Lieber Herr, in full Cabaret attire at age 12:
    • "I did the song and the dance routine verbatim in front of my entire school...It was not an innocent time. Thank God camera phones didn’t exist..." (36:16-38:54, Jameela Jamil)
  • Both agree these soul-crushing moments forged their thick skins needed for show business.
  • "Once you can survive that, you can kind of do anything. I mean, I was bullied mercilessly for the rest of school..." (38:44, Jameela Jamil)

Michael’s Big Wrong Turn (Audition Humiliation Double-Header)

(40:50–47:50)

• First Audition:
  • Role: “Exploding Chili Dog” for a gum commercial.
  • Has to physically act as a sentient chili dog being chased and “exploding.” Feels undignified and humiliating ("You can never look cool running...No one's good at it." (43:29, Michael Blyden)).
• Second Audition:
  • For Curb Your Enthusiasm, right after—the dream gig.
  • Required to improvise anger at Larry David, but is emotionally blocked from the earlier humiliation. Tries but can’t muster fake rage, nearly cries.
  • Admits mid-audition, “I just auditioned for exploding Chili Dog, and it was so embarrassing that I don’t think I can do this.” (45:59, Michael Blyden)
  • Larry David kindly reassures him, but the job remains out of reach.
    • “Consider this a good audition.” (47:50, Larry David, as relayed by Michael)
• Takeaway:
  • Sometimes your biggest liability is the thing you thought made you special.
  • Jameela articulates the cruelty of “audition culture” and violation when embarrassing tapes get released.
    • "I feel as though I would give them like a kidney where I have to play like I'm a bank robbery who's holding people hostage. So it's all mime, you know, and screaming and shouting..." (48:28, Jameela Jamil)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parenting/Toddler Germ Horror:
  • “When you ask them not to do something...It's the red button age. They just want to touch it.” (04:06, Jameela Jamil)
• On Career Chaos:
  • “99% of my stories, I could have ended them immediately, but for the sake of my career, I chose to get the story.” (05:45, Ian Lara)
• On Embarrassing Humor and Resilience:
  • “Once you can survive that, you can kind of do anything.” (38:44, Jameela Jamil)
• On Audition Humiliation:
  • “You can never look cool running. He's not going to be good. No one's good at it.” (43:29, Michael Blyden)
  • “Consider this a good audition.” (47:50, Larry David via Michael Blyden)

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Listener Wrong Turn Highlight

Madonna’s Italian Name Fail (51:55)

• Studying abroad in Italy, listeners' name “Madonna” (the Virgin Mary) causes offense—so she switches to “Fiona.” Unfortunately, “Fiona” sounds like Italian “fehona” (big vagina), leading to even more laughter and mockery.
  • “I decided I was better off with the sacrilegious Madonna.” (52:45, Listener Madonna’s Email)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |---------|-----------| | Welcome & Guest Intros | 01:39–02:33 | | Parenting Disasters & Germaphobia | 03:00–04:47 | | Disaster Chasing vs. Avoidance | 06:00–07:13 | | Micro Humiliations – Ian’s Heckler Story | 08:44–14:16 | | Micro Humiliations – Michael’s Car Podcast| 15:17–22:30 | | Ian’s Big Wrong Turn – School Rap Debacle| 26:20–36:16 | | Jameela’s Child Performer Story | 36:16–38:54 | | Michael’s Big Wrong Turn – Audition Hell | 40:50–47:50 | | Listener Story – The Italian “Fiona” | 51:55–52:45 | | Plugs & Closing Remarks | 52:59–53:39 |

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Where to Find the Guests

• Ian Lara: Instagram/TikTok @ianlaralive; HBO special Romantic Comedy, YouTube special Material Boy
• Michael Blyden: Upcoming Mitch Hedberg documentary

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Wrong Turns delivers cringe, laughs, and heartfelt moments with honest storytelling, building camaraderie from collective embarrassment and proving that the best comedic material is sometimes your worst life experience.

Transcript

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[Michael Blyden]

AI Foreign.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is a show where dignity goes to die. Your weekly dose of smug as you feel better about your own life and your own terrible decisions because you hear how much dumber we are. And every week I invite my favorite funny people to come and tell me their tales of woe. And joining me today is a writer, producer and comedian who's performed on the Tonight show six times. His latest special is Material Boy and you can see it now on YouTube. See him live around the country and buy [e-mail] It's Ian fucking Lara.

[Sarah Gibson Tuttle]

Hello.

[Ian Lara]

Hey guys. Thank you guys for having me.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is very cool.

[Ian Lara]

I appreciate it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thanks for being here. I am also thrilled to welcome a writer, producer, director and performer from the Daily Show, Late night with Jimmy Fallon, Broad City, Brooklyn, Nine9 and Southside. His latest project is a documentary about the comedy legend Mitch Hedberg. It's Michael Blyden. Yay. Oh, gentlemen. How are you doing? How are your going? You all right?

[Michael Blyden]

I have two little kids, and so I'm. I don't feel exhausted today. And that is the benchmark I have.

[Ian Lara]

So my life is great. I'm just, like, doing whatever I want.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I'm exactly the same as Ian. I have no children, so we look like this every day. I'm sorry, Michael.

[Ian Lara]

Yeah, it's very.

[Michael Blyden]

Oh, it's. It's. I could talk about it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, I'm sure you will, but how old are your kids?

[Michael Blyden]

They're gonna be 5 and 7. And I was cuddling with my son two nights ago, and he's like, hey, smell my finger. And I was like, I'm really not interested in that. And he sticks his finger here, and it's a mixture of fecal smell and anal gland smell. And then just, like, other associated smells. And I was so nauseated that I started to panic because I have kind of a germaphobe. And I was like, okay, we're gonna go wash your hands right now. We're gonna wash your hands right now. And don't touch anything on the way to the bathroom. And of course, that was the wrong thing to say. Cause then he just starts touching things and he goes. We get in the bathroom and he grabs my toothbrush and starts fingering my toothbrush.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Michael Blyden]

I told my wife. I was like, I need a counselor to help with anger, because I am livid right now. I am so angry.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm angry for you.

[Michael Blyden]

It was the most button pushing. Anyways. That's how old my son is. If you want to get a sense of the age. Because if you don't have kids, it won't mean anything to you. That story is about how old he is.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is fucking amazing. Yeah. How perverse it is when you ask them not to do something. The huge, immense regret you get. Because it's just. It's the red button age. They just want to touch it. They want to touch everything. I felt my uterus, like, zip up when you told that story. And it'll never open ever again. A germaphobe having children is absolutely extraordinary.

[Ian Lara]

Oh, God.

[Jameela Jamil]

Which I'm very proud of you.

[Michael Blyden]

When they're sick, I've had so many colds. And, like, you snuggle with them and, you know, cuddling is the most incredible feeling you'll ever have. Cuddling with a small body. And then they'll cough in your face. And you. You feel the mucus go into your

[Ian Lara]

eyeball,

[Michael Blyden]

and you're like, I'm gonna get an eye infection, which I've gotten multiple. I'm gonna get sick. And then you just. You just roll with it because.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe your kid has already learned Smell My Finger. Is it. Is it something that you don't have to learn? Do you think that there is an innate smell my finger quality to humans? Because we all arrive at that point somehow. It's not in the Disney Channel. It's not on children's tv. Is it nature that we want?

[Michael Blyden]

Everyone's starling was born with a map of its mating territory. Like in Canada. It just knows the star map. It's born. It's a child is born with Smell My Finger.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wow. That is the most extraordinary. How are you? How have you been ever? That is outrageous. When it comes to disaster, do you feel as though you both meet the moment in the moment, or are you more of a react well, later?

[Ian Lara]

Ian, I'm such a. Yes. And to disaster. Like, 99% of my stories, I could have ended them immediately, but for the sake of my career, I chose to get the story.

[Jameela Jamil]

You are the one who knocks.

[Ian Lara]

Like, there's plenty. I feel like in every story, I have, like, an exit. Like, I could have left here. I could have stopped in here, but I'm. I need the punchline. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

All right, everyone park your empathy and sympathy for Ian from now. Because he chased the chaos.

[Ian Lara]

I think I'm older.

[Michael Blyden]

I have a question for you. Is it because you are mercenary about how you view your own life? Because you are trying to reach a narrative crescendo that you can collect? Or is it just because of natural curiosity?

[Ian Lara]

I think it started because when I first started standup, I was, like, 20 years old, and I felt that I had nothing to talk about. So everybody was like, you have to get life experience. So I kind of convinced myself that every situation, no matter what, was life experience that I needed. So I spent my 20s trying to gather life experience, But I didn't know that life experience comes naturally. You don't have to run into a burning house for life experience. It just comes as you go.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, life is the burning house. Especially after your 20s, right?

[Ian Lara]

Michael's.

[Jameela Jamil]

Exactly.

[Ian Lara]

I didn't get that part. I thought I had to search it out.

[Jameela Jamil]

Michael, what about you? I mean, now that you have kids, you kind of have to meet disaster at the door, right?

[Michael Blyden]

I don't know. I don't think I understand my constitution well enough and have not been tested in extremists enough to really know. I think I've spent a lot of time trying to prepare myself for, like, real disasters that these slight. Here's the thing. Here's the thing about. You get this question about, like, what's your most embarrassing moment? It's a thing that comes up at camp. It comes up the first day of a bar mitzvah class. And the things normally that I find to be like, my soul is withering, humiliating, normally, are so small that when you retell the story, people are like, I don't even see what's embarrassing about that. But it is in my psychology to feel humiliated by a very small slight, a very slow look or something like that. And those, Those are moments that stand out as. I'm not going to tell those stories today because they're bad stories. But. And they. And I wither. I wither inside and. And I die. So I only know how it feels. Probably from the outside, I probably seem like I'm cool because I'm not gonna call attention to it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay, so before we get into your major wrong turns in life, I would love to kind of lube the audience up with a kind of idea of what you would describe as a micro humiliation. Would you be up for doing that?

[Ian Lara]

Of course.

[Jameela Jamil]

Then, Ian, let's go with you. First. Tell me.

[Ian Lara]

All right, this is a perfect example because I recently had this one happen to me. And I don't know if I came off in my introduction. Like, I'm looking for problems. Like, they find me. And then I just go with it. I'm not really searching them out. I'll just be there and a problem will be like, oh, there's our guy. And then I'll be like, welcome. You know, recently I was on the road, I was in Chicago, and I was doing a weekend at a comedy club. And I love the club. One of my favorite clubs, my favorite place to perform. It's one of the places that I circle on my calendar. And I was doing a Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And I show up on Thursday to the early show, which Thursday is usually the show where, you know, you just got into a city you probably traveled in that day. That's like a warm up show. Still the same show, but it's like, it feels like a warm up show, like for the weekend. So the show is pretty full, not completely sold out. Rest of the weekend, sold out. And I got this guy in the front row. I'm watching as the host is warming up the crowd, there's this guy in the front row that keeps, like, heckling and. And yelling. And I told the manager, I knew he was going to be a problem. And sure enough, when I got up on stage, he's heckling me. And it's the worst kind of heckle, because he's not being antagonistic. He's being supportive in the heckles, where he's like, yeah, I love that joke.

[Michael Blyden]

Whoa.

[Ian Lara]

Like that. But, like, in comedy, you need silence. Like, that's not good. In Kai trying to build tension. And he's like, ed. He's like, I'll start the setup. And he's, like, clapping along. So I. I warned him early on. I'm like, hey, man, you have to stop doing this. And I try to power through because I don't like kicking people out, and I don't like the hecklers. Whatever. I'm like, you have to stop. It's disrupting me. He keeps going. By the middle of my set, I'm about 25 minutes, and I can't take it. He's throwing me off. Too much is messing up my timing.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, you're starting to anticipate his interruptions, right?

[Ian Lara]

Exactly. So it's messing up my delivery because I'm trying to time the delivery by his woos, you know? So I asked him nicely, very politely. I'm like, hey, man, look, I. Because he. He kept. He kept saying that he was, like, a fan. He was just like, I. I love your stuff. Like, he was a fan. So I didn't want to be mean, so I said, hey, man, can you please just go sit in the back? There's some seats in the back. I know that the staff is back there, so if he keeps yelling, the staff has access to talk to him back there. And I'm like, I'm not kicking you out. I'm just asking you, can you please just go sit in the seats in the back? Because it's too distracting what you're doing. And he gets annoyed. But eventually the manager comes up. They convince him this is two. It's a white guy and a white woman. That's the couple on the way to the back, he starts yelling out the N word, but not in an offensive way. He's saying it like he's black. Like, he's saying how, like, a black rapper would say it. Like, he's like, what's going on? Like, N words. Can't even laugh no more. And then I'm. I'm on stage trying to do my act, but I'm Confused because I'm like, you're not even. You're not even that. You know? But he. But he kept saying it. And then the staff, they're confused because they're also white, so they don't know. They're like, this isn't really. Like, he's not saying it in an offensive way, so we don't know what's the play.

[Jameela Jamil]

He's dropping an H. Right, right, right, right.

[Ian Lara]

Like a rapper casual.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Lara]

It feels wrong. But, you know, it's 20, 26. We don't know what the rules are, like, currently, so. So the staff is trying to be polite, and eventually he says it, like, five times. I think the fifth time, they were like, this is not even. This is too much for anyone to say it. So they were like, all right, you got to. You got to leave. I hear the girl yell out, no, you can't kick us out. I'm a nurse. I heard that. Everyone heard that. And I was like, it's not even Covid anymore. Like, no one. That's not a thing. You know, like, nurses are great, but it's not like any. You know. So I continue my show. I don't think anything of it, but he runs out. The staff tells me this after. When he gets kicked out, he runs out the venue like a maniac runs into the street, gets hit by a car. I hear the ambulance on stage. Like, they're. So I hear the ambulance, and my whole closer is about me getting circumcised when I was 16. So the ambulance kind of going with what I'm. Yeah, what I'm talking about. The ambulance is kind of playing along, but then I get off stage and they tell me. They're like, yeah, this guy was yelling out the N word. I'm like, yeah, I heard that part. And then they told me his wife said, don't kick him out of the nurse. We asked him to leave. They ran into the street, got hit by a car. Slow moving car, not speeding at all. Like, he could have just got up. They said the ambulance just took him because he was too intoxicated. So it wasn't like he got injured. But just to make a long story short, I come back home, I'm like, this is crazy. We laugh about it. I come back home, I upload a video on YouTube, and I'm going through my comments, and I see a guy comment. He was like, hey, I love this guy. But me and my wife went to see one of his shows recently, and he kicked us out. Shitty person. Don't support this guy. And I'm like, son of a bitch. So I comment back. I'm like, hey, I asked you politely if you could be quiet and not interrupt the show. You refused. Then I asked you if you could just sit in the back. Didn't even kick you out. Not only did you refuse that, but you started yelling the N word as you walked to the back of the room. I said, the club records the video. I said, I have the footage of you yelling the N word. If you want, I can post it and tag you in it if you. If you don't remember the evening. And I just leave the comment like that. And I wait a couple minutes and then he comments back and he's like, man, just forget it. And he just deleted his comment and unfollowed me.

[Jameela Jamil]

I like that. The universe ran him over. And yet still he didn't take the hint. Zero lessons learned. No sense knocked into him by that car. Instant karma. I wish I knew what happened to him after his little message to you. Absolutely.

[Ian Lara]

It's fascinating. I mean, it's just the human nature is fascinating. Like, because it wasn't like he was by himself. His wife was there, like, and she wasn't too drunk. They drove home and at no point was she like, hey, man, maybe don't yell the N word when we're leaving the club. That's a weird thing to do. At no point was.

[Michael Blyden]

And he.

[Ian Lara]

Conversation had.

[Michael Blyden]

He was saying it self referentially. Like he's.

[Ian Lara]

He was talking about himself.

[Michael Blyden]

Yeah. Yes. Why can't we collectively. N words can't enjoy this. He was self identifying.

[Ian Lara]

That he was self identifying. Yes, yes. Which is even. That's even more of a gray area. Like, I don't even know.

[Jameela Jamil]

He's also ginger, right? So he's the whitest of the white whites. You couldn't get any whiter than that.

[Ian Lara]

No, no. Impossible.

[Jameela Jamil]

Extraordinary.

[Ian Lara]

White ginger, unbelievable beard and a flannel.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, well done for powering through and making it through the hour. I would have lost my fucking mind. I would not be able to be thrown off like that. I can't believe you didn't throw him out sooner. You're a fucking champion, Michael. Do you have a little micro humiliation to offer the group?

[Michael Blyden]

I do. It's a decent follow from yours. It treads in the same territory. I was on a directing job and I was staying in Brooklyn and the set was way out in Montauk, and so I. And there's a teamster who would pick me up at the hotel and we drive together every day. It's like an hour, hour and a half commute. His name is Michael and we would talk every day and eventually we'd like kind of run out of stuff to talk about. And I was like, well, this is useful time. We could like learn something. I said, do you, do you like podcasts? Do you want to like maybe try next tomorrow? We could like listen to a long form podcast together. We're going to be doing this for a month. And he's like, yeah, that sounds great. So I was like, all right. I had just listened to one of Dan Carlin's hardcore history podcasts. I don't know if you listen to them. He did a series called Countdown to Armageddon or Blueprint for Armageddon. And it's about World War I, seven hours, something like that. I thought it was awesome. And so I was like, great, I'll get another one of his. And Michael and I, his name was also Michael will listen to this over the course of several days. And it was also prompted by, I said, what do you like? He said, I like history. I was like, oh, this is great. I go on the website late at night. I see one that's called. I have the transcript here. It's called Globalization Unto Death and it's about Magellan discovering like crossing the ocean and ushering in the new era of globalization. And so I get in the car, I have it downloaded to my phone, pair it with the thing and start playing. By the way, Michael the driver, he's black, I am white. And by the way, I don't know. I'm like, do you know, but ever heard of Dan Carlin? He's like, no, I never heard of it. I'm like, oh, he's a. I'm building it up. Oh, he's so good. You're going to love it. It's so great. Here we go. I hit play and he gets into like the prologue. He's this is kind of a special episode. It's a topic I've want to talk about for a long time. And then I'm going to read you the transcript. And this is at minute 125 or 1 minute 25 seconds in. And he says, I'm coming at this from kind of a weird angle. The whole thing boiled down in my head and I can't get past it. It's a weird subject to be thinking about. Are white people special?

[Jameela Jamil]

No. Oh no.

[Michael Blyden]

And I couldn't think of a decent way to say it. So I thought I'd Just say it and live with the consequences. Because asking a question like this, are white people special? Is a good way to, you know, get thought of as you must be a high ranking member of the intellectual Ku Klux Klan. Okay, so I'm like, what? You know, I don't know. It's just me and him and we have an hour and a half left to go.

[Jameela Jamil]

What happened?

[Michael Blyden]

I'm instantly like breaking out into a horrible sweat. Like, what am I doing? So now I'm not listening through the lens of me. I'm like, what do I think that this person who in all fairness, I don't know that well, but more important, he does not know me and he does not know. What was I intending to say to him through playing like, it's so complicated.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is horrific.

[Michael Blyden]

Also, let me ask you guys, do you stop it right there in that instant? Because what if he self corrects, like within the next minute? Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

God, I don't know, Ian.

[Ian Lara]

I don't think you can stop it because it. Then it. Especially if he doesn't know the guy. It looks like you're playing like your regular hate speech stuff that you listen to.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. You're like, oh, this is my private episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Lara]

Right, right.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think you have to vocally maybe just be like, what the fuck?

[Ian Lara]

Yeah, you gotta play that angle. Like, this guy's crazy confused.

[Michael Blyden]

And then, and then every second you don't say something.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Michael Blyden]

Like for every second you're not, it

[Jameela Jamil]

feels like a nod in agreement.

[Michael Blyden]

Yeah. So I'm like, well, do I silence. I really, I genuinely froze. Like, I do not know how to handle this moment and I don't know where it's going. And so I just, like, let it play. I'm gonna read a little bit more from the transcript.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no.

[Michael Blyden]

Oh, God, it's making you feel awkward. Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

I feel like I'm there in the car.

[Michael Blyden]

He goes on to talk about how some people think that the future of the human race is going to be all tan. And that if aliens came down and looked at the past human race, aliens might look at European colonialism and aliens might ask what was special about these white people. Now I'm not listening at all. Then he. Because now he's droning on about how whiteness historically has been. There's been like, white people have been special good, and then there's white people were special bad. And now I'm like, oh, God, he's taking on this topic and I don't know exactly where it's going and then I think you got.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, I have a new correction to what I would do. I would jump out of the moving car. That's what I would have done. I think that's actually the only way to handle that situation. Just eject.

[Ian Lara]

I feel like if I was black, Michael, I would want to know, are white people special? What's the answer?

[Michael Blyden]

He got one more section into it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Did he get more racist than that?

[Michael Blyden]

No. And I was pretty. Here's the thing. I was pretty confident that he was going to bring it around to something interesting. And eventually it went on for so long, and he dissected. Here's what was going on. He was dissecting this topic from so many different angles. Here was the tension in my mind, and. And I was really on a knife's edge. I was like, either he's going to bring it around and make it relatable and cool, or he's wrapping a new racist worldview in a new modern intellectualism, which was happening around that time, early 2000s. People were like, hey, we're not just ordinary racists. We're thinking racists. I didn't know.

[Ian Lara]

And.

[Michael Blyden]

And so it's like, which one is it? And now it represents me anyway.

[Jameela Jamil]

And every minute felt like an hour.

[Michael Blyden]

Every minute felt like a lifetime. And so I paused it. Eventually. I was like, gotta do something. And so before it resolves, I just paused it and I said, let me just pause this and tell you that I am not trying to tell you something by play. I did not know what this was about. This is not me with an agenda. This is not me trying. I did not share this on purpose. I am surprised by this. I'm not loving it. And he immediately, thank God his tension broke, too. And he goes. Oh, man. He goes, I was confused. I gotta say, I was confused. And I did not know where that was going. I was like, let's just listen to music and we don't. We cannot not listen to it.

[Ian Lara]

Black music, I hope.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. It had to be in, like, Wu Tang Clan, like, after that. And it has to come from your Spotify place.

[Ian Lara]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is so deeply, deeply horrifying for both of you. And he's not in the powerful position, like, he has to keep the car going and get you to his destination. He must have been like, what in the fuck is in the back of my car?

[Michael Blyden]

I added the power differential of him. Like, he's driving and I'm. I'm not next to him. I'm in the back seat. There's like, all these but you were in the backseat imagery.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, because he's being driven to work. Like I might.

[Ian Lara]

I might have been in the past, were co workers.

[Michael Blyden]

He was a teamster, so his job is to drive.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, he's.

[Ian Lara]

He's driving him. Yeah, that's worse.

[Jameela Jamil]

Power dynamic of this is so fucking insane. Of the talent trying to like drip feed you. The idea that he is racially, intellectually superior to it is super. So insane that I can't believe it. Did you ever find out where that episode ended up going? Did he ever resolve it? Or is he a piece of shit that we need to be aware of?

[Michael Blyden]

I think, I think it's actually. Look, am I gonna make it worse and say I think it's probably. He probably brings it around and makes it interesting. I didn't go back and listen to it, but I mean, you know what? I don't know. Listen to it yourself. I can't tell. I don't know.

[Ian Lara]

I think it's hilarious. You have to pretend you didn't finish the episode.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Michael Blyden]

What? I don't know. I don't.

[Jameela Jamil]

On that note, I'm gonna save Michael and go to a quick break.

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[Jameela Jamil]

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[Jameela Jamil]

And we are back. Okay, so, Ian, tell me, what is your big wrong turn?

[Ian Lara]

I feel like I had my big wrong turn pretty early on in life. And it helped me with the career I ultimately chose. It helped me have, like, tough skin. That's why, like, I can deal with hecklers, I can deal with bad situations. Because immediately out of the gate, I had a terrible experience in my life of entertainment. And it goes back to when I was in fifth grade. And when I was in fifth grade, I was in elementary school. And at that time there was a lot of, like, child, like young music artists. Like, I guess there's always is when you're that age, that's what you watch. Like, I was a big fan of Lil Bow Wow, the rapper. He was, he was like young kid. He was like around my age. He's like 2 years old. He was like the cool kid. He was everything, right? So I thought that, man, this is really cool. I think that I can be a rapper, right? But I didn't know how to go about it. So every day at school after lunch, we would have a short assembly. Like every. All the students would eat lunch. Then the whole school will go sit in the assembly room and just wait for your homeroom teacher to come pick us up. It was elementary school. It'd be about 20 minutes. You just sat there, you spoke, you played around, you had to sit down. But it was, it was time for us to like, just hang out. Because it's New York. You can't go outside when it's cold. So we would just go to the auditorium and just sit there. So I had the idea, I was like, you know what, we're just sitting here. We need entertainment. I am going to write a song and I'm going to perform it in front of the whole school. And this will be such a hit that I will become, you know, an international, instantly famous. 100% instantly. Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, I feel your logic entirely. Yeah, but sorry, by the way, all of Nickelodeon made us feel like that's how it was going to happen.

[Ian Lara]

Yes, yes. It's very.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like every single TV show for our generation made you feel like a talent scout just happened to be in the school. As the entire school was vibing and watched you do your thing and then handed you a business card that was going to change the rest of your life completely. Sound right?

[Ian Lara]

Exactly. And, and so I, I, but I didn't like, it wasn't like a half baked idea. Like, I went home and I was like, I have to construct a song. What's the first thing you need for a song? I was like, I need a beat. So I had gotten this keyboard for Christmas that had like these beats that were just not like programmed into it. I was like, I'll use one of these beats. It's gonna sound like it's an original. But it was the 2000. So I literally had to like take a recorder with a microphone, put it to the speaker of the keyboard, and record the beat onto the recorder so I can then give them the tape so they can play the beat while I perform the song.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right.

[Ian Lara]

So I did all this. I'm like, I'm like an engineer. I'm doing all this stuff. I recruit my two dancers. I was like, I started like dropping the seeds around school. I was like, hey, you know, I got a song. I'm looking for backup dancers to perform with me right away. Two girls, they're like in the dance team. They're like, we'll be backup dancers. We're looking for, like, more stuff to get work.

[Jameela Jamil]

They're looking for work.

[Ian Lara]

Yeah. So I'm like, all right, cool. So that the week of. I'm like, I remember, by the way.

[Michael Blyden]

Can I just say, Can I just say something? At this point in the story? You sound awesome. Like, so far, he sounds like the

[Jameela Jamil]

future president of the United States. Like, this is.

[Michael Blyden]

With this plan. I think this is so far, a great plan.

[Ian Lara]

You know what? I think that there is a charm to this story that makes me look really good. But in the room, it did not read that way. I'll say that. Oh, but so I saw. I'm like, this is. I'm gonna do this on Friday. I remember it's Friday because they were like, do it On Friday, because it's like the last day. There's, like, energy, you know, in school. Friday has a different energy weekend. Like, it's a party.

[Jameela Jamil]

There's a giddiness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Lara]

So it was like, do it Friday. It's gonna be a great way to take us into the weekend. And everyone. You're gonna be a king, like, when you. When you leave this, right? So I'm telling the girls, is it

[Jameela Jamil]

good to have a rest before your big career starts on Monday? Do you know?

[Ian Lara]

Exactly. They're like, you take the weekend off, you come back, you enter, you go to hol.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right, right.

[Ian Lara]

So I tell the girls. I'm like, okay, so this is how it's going to go down. Mind you, they don't have a routine. They don't know the song. I'm like, if you're going to be my backup dancers, you guys have to wear the same outfits. Like, that's just what backup dancers do. So I decided, yeah, I think it was, like, right before Christmas break. I was like, just wear, like, a red shirt with white pants. I was like, that's going to be the look. So we all have red shirts and white. I have red shirt, white pants. They got red shirts, white pants. The day of comes, we come to school, Red shirt, white pants. No one knows why we're wearing this. This wasn't discussed further than, like, just us. It's going to be like, we're going to shock the school. So people kind of. I remember people like, why you guys wearing? And we're like, you'll see at lunchtime. Just be there. So lunchtime comes. I got the song. So I'm rehearsing the song with the girl because I'm like, all right, you guys are going to be my backup dancers. So this how the song goes, and you guys got to worry about the chorus. And this is the chorus. I forget the song. I wish I still knew it. I forget what the song was. So I'm like, this is the chorus. So when the chorus part come up, you guys just say this. And it's going to be a beat playing. And by that time, everybody going to be jumping and crowd surfing. So nobody even going. Y' all don't even have nothing to worry about because it's going to be so popping, you know? And they were down. They were like, all right, cool. This sounds great. This sounds. Sounds like nothing can go wrong here. So lunchtime, we're rehearsing. We're like, all right, this was going to go. We go to our we go to, like, a separate room to rehearse. I'm like, if you want to do this dance, you can do this dance. We got it. So we walk into the auditorium. We're just sitting down. We got our red shirt, white pants. One of the teachers comes up. She's like, ian, are you ready? And I'm like, yeah, I'm ready. Let's do it. So she walks us to the back, and when we get to the back, I hand her. I don't remember if it was a tape or a CD. Maybe it was a CD. I forget it was 2000, but is a CD. She. Yeah, she goes. She's like, what is this? And I'm like, that's the music. And she's like, why do you need the music? And I'm like, no, that's the beat. So I'm gonna sit. First of all, it wasn't pre recorded. I was gonna actually live perform over just the beat. So you need breath, control. Like, I didn't know that. All this thing goes. She's like, I don't know how to work this. And I'm like, well, I need to beat. She's like, why do you need to be? And I'm like, that's how songs work. Songs work. You have a beat and then you say things over it, and it's catchy. And then people like it. And she's like, no, no, it's. No, you're not going to get a beat. Just go out there and do whatever you prepared. So I'm like. And then she walks away. So I'm looking at the girls like. And they're looking at me like I'm their leader. They're like, do we? Do we go? What do we do? So I'm like, yeah, we just go like, let's just go do the song. You guys know that.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, God, I love you so much.

[Ian Lara]

Capella. So I walk out. Mind you, no introduction. They're not like, hey, Ian, one of your classmates is going to do a performance for you guys. He prepared something. Everybody quiet down. None of that. It's literally chaos from an elementary school. And then us three just walk on stage with a microphone. And I'm like, hello. Like, hello. And people quiet down. They're like, what are these guys doing? And then I'm like, I. I'm gonna do, like, a song that I wrote for the whole school. And the students are like, okay, no music. Come on. I just start reading the song. Like, I was doing spoken word. And I see the girls behind me because I keep looking back. They're trying to see where they fit in. So they're trying to, like, ad lib or, like, clap at. At certain points that. It just doesn't make sense.

[Jameela Jamil]

Christ.

[Ian Lara]

The chorus part comes up. They're trying to join in, but they didn't rehearse it acapella. They know how to say it during a beat. They don't know how to say it with no beat going on. So they're trying to fit in into the song. Long story short, I ended up doing. I do two verses, three verses I wrote for the song. I do two. By the second verse, everybody's like, what is this? Like, this is insane. Like, the kids are talking. They're like, this is terrible. You're ruining our recess. I ended. I'm like, all right, thank you, guys. You guys have been great. I walk off stage, the teacher comes up. She was like, hey, that was great. And I'm like, that was one of the most humiliating things I've ever did. She's like, that was great. Go. She's like, go sit down now. Like, go back out there and just sit in the auditorium with all the kids that.

[Jameela Jamil]

Just sit in your own shit. Yeah, right, right.

[Ian Lara]

She was like, just go out there and sit down. And I was like, absolutely not. And she was like, what do you mean? I was like, I can't go out there. That was humiliating. Long story short, us three, we ended up leaving school that day. Like, we didn't finish out the rest of the day because we were like, we're too embarrassed. We don't want to go back to class. This is so embarrassing. And eventually I lived it down. But I think that stood with me, and that's why I never had a problem doing bad in comedy.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, that is so sad and agonizing. It's such a tender age for anything like that to happen. I'm so amazed. When you said you left the school originally, my thought was, oh, they moved to another country. That's. No, that's the sensible option. Good. I can't believe you ever went back to that school. I could just imagine it.

[Ian Lara]

Your voice is awful.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're all little. It's horrific. And the backup dancers and no beat. And you're all so young, and it feels so huge. And you told everyone all day, like, you'll see. You'll see what's gonna happen. And you're in your little can.

[Ian Lara]

And I, like, one of the dancers,

[Jameela Jamil]

bear it, had, like, a crush on

[Ian Lara]

one of the dancers. And I thought this was, like, my Big thing to get her to like, get her like me in fifth grade. I don't think when I look back at that there's something do that right now. I can't believe I had to courage to do that.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know, I feel exactly the same way. I remember when I was like 12, I was in the jazz choir and I didn't understand sexuality or sexiness or anything inappropriate, you know. And like, and, and it was the, you know, I was like an 80s baby. So like I was. We didn't have the Internet. Like I, I was super sheltered. So I really just didn't get it. I just took everything at face value and I was like, oh, okay, I'm gonna do Mein Lieberherr from Cabaret, which is a song that a sex worker sings in a late night bar to her clients essentially. And as a 12 year old. And I dressed exactly like Sally Bowles. Like the waistcoat and the hot pants and fishnets that I'd like stolen from my mum and really high heels that I'd stolen from my mum. And I was like 5 foot 10 by the age of 12 I was like godzill. So I looked like a woman, I had big boobs, I was wearing a face full of makeup. And you know, she essentially humps the chair, right? She's like spread eagle on the chair and then is humping the chair to the beat. And I did the song and the dance routine verbatim in front of my entire school. And it started off with screams that then just became like a shocked silence as I did essentially a sex dance for my entire secondary school of an all girls school. Which is. It's emotional social suicide to do something like this. It was not an innocent time. Thank God camera phones didn't exist, although I just got the video of it that I have to transfer over to usb. So I might at some point show that footage if I feel brave enough on the Internet. But I would have been decimated. And it was so inappropriate and bad that we got complaints from the parents. And my. We did it two nights in a row and my school headmistress approached me and said that she would give me £500. Not to do it again the following night. But once you can survive that, you can kind of do anything. I mean I was bullied mercilessly for the rest of school. Like I didn't have any friends. It did not work out okay for me other than the fact that I have a very thick skin which helped me survive show business. But it is when you think of the Things that we feel self conscious about now versus how fucking brave and amazing we were children. It makes. Did you ever miss that version of you? That's just like, fuck it.

[Ian Lara]

Yeah. I'm like, sometimes I'm too embarrassed to do an audition. I'm like, in my house by myself. I'm like, I can't do this character. This is embarrassing. And I'm like, I got always got a channel back to fifth grade when I embarrass myself in front of 500 students.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, bless you. Bless your sweet little soul. Good for you.

[Michael Blyden]

There's something that, like, particularly sad and difficult about when the thing that you think makes you awesome becomes the thing that is your greatest liability.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Michael Blyden]

That is the worst turn.

[Jameela Jamil]

What is that term like? Better to close your mouth and be presumed a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. I feel like that's what me and Ian both experienced. Well, thank you. Traumatizing story. Yeah. We'll be right back after the break.

[Michael Blyden]

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[Jameela Jamil]

See website for details.

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[Jameela Jamil]

And we're back. All right, Michael, what is your big wrong turn in life?

[Michael Blyden]

So when I first got to la, I supported myself mostly as an actor. And eventually I stopped doing it. And this moment was like part of a big shift in my career and my, like, what I felt like I was emotionally capable of doing. So I had two auditions in one day and I worked, actually worked enough as a commercial actor to support myself, which says a lot. You know, I booked commercials, and the job of a commercial actor is not doing commercials. The job is doing the auditions. That's the job. If getting a commercial, that's like vacation. But the job is showing up and it's a Numbers game. You do 50, 100 auditions, you're going to get one. So all day you're just going to these weird commercials. And I went to one. It was a morning audition. It was my first of the day, and I was auditioning for the role of exploding chili dog in a breath freshening gum commercial. And, you know, you don't really process what you're about to do. You're just, look, if I show up on time and I don't get a parking ticket, it's a good audition. That was like my attitude. So I didn't really. I'll do whatever. Am I gonna take a bite and smile? Whatever. So I go into the studio and the guy's like. I was like, sorry, I'm just, like, trying to wrap my mind around what am I doing. He's like, you're an exploding chili dog. You're running from the gum. The gum is chasing you. It catches you and you explode. Anyway, say your name, how high you are, and we'll just get into it. I'm like, what nonsense, by the way.

[Jameela Jamil]

This whole thing feels like a fucking prank show. It feels like jury duty. I think they would write the dumbest shit possible to see what they could make actors come in and audition for. It's unbelievable.

[Michael Blyden]

It does rob you of your dignity. That is the net effect. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm just like, how do I convey that I am exploding? And he goes, that's up to you, man. That's up to you. Let's just get started. Cause we got a lot to get through. Kind of rude, kind of brusque. And my mistake was I thought, yeah, I'd done improv for years. I was like, hey, let's just see what comes out. Let's just do it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, you. Yes, I.

[Michael Blyden]

So he's like, okay, hey, Michael Blyd, six one. Yes, I'm willing to shave. Let's go. Okay. He's like, so you're okay? So the gum is chasing you. Well, now I realize, oh, I'm going to have to run in place. Running in place. Auditions. You can never look cool running. He's not going to be good. No one's good at it.

[Jameela Jamil]

No.

[Michael Blyden]

So now I'm like, running in place. And interminably, how long do I run in place? And he goes, great, it catches you and explode. And I. I think I did this. Oh, oh. Like, I think that's all I did. And he's like, okay, cut, cut, cut, cut.

[Jameela Jamil]

You basically came.

[Michael Blyden]

It was a tiny. A Tiny.

[Ian Lara]

Yeah.

[Michael Blyden]

And he's like, no, I want you to. I want you to explode. Like, think of it this way. You're dying. You're dying. And it's real big. Jack Black style. That was the shorthand. Then everything was Jack Black style. And I did it again. Worse. I did it worse. I just completely froze up. And I got out of that audition. I called my agents, and I was like, okay, guys, nothing ever again. That is running in place. And you got nothing. And I had suddenly had a list. Nothing. Singing the Star Spangled Banner. All these things that had humiliated me in auditions up to that point, like, built. And my commercial agents were like, okay, yeah, yeah, we'll weed those out. I go to my second audition, and I was auditioning for Curb youb Enthusiasm. And I was like, okay, well, this will be a better experience. And it was a couple blocks away. So when you audition for Curb, there's no script. They give you a paragraph. It describes the scene, and you don't see it until you get there. You sit in the waiting room, you process it, and you go in. And I don't know if I went and write in and read with Larry David. So I go in and Jeff Garland's there. I was friendly with Jeff. His wife was casting director. I knew it was such a friendly room. I met Larry David. Hey, nice to meet you. It was really nice. I was totally set up for success. The scene was, it's a funeral. I think Larry had borrowed money from my dad, the person who died. And I was angry at Larry for killing him. Something like that. You can look up the episode. Doug Benson ended up getting the part. So he's like, so you're mad at me and you start yelling at me, and let's just see what happens. And I couldn't summon the type of extroverted energy to get mad. I couldn't get mad. I couldn't fake anger. It was like. Like a bullet that just wouldn't go into the chamber. Like, I could see what the performance was. I could see what they wanted. I could almost hear it. And I couldn't force the instrument of my body exploding.

[Jameela Jamil]

Chili dog again.

[Michael Blyden]

So he's like, hey, that was pretty good. Try it again. I want you to really get mad at him. Really get mad. You really call him names. Really just let him have it. I'm like, yeah, yeah, totally, totally. Okay, start it again. And he's like, I'm gonna try and leave. Keep me from leaving, but you really get mad at me. And I said, you know what? You Know what, guys? I'm so sorry. I just auditioned for exploding Chili Dog, and it was so embarrassing that I don't think I can do this. And I also was, like, could feel I was about to start crying like that. Like, oh, God. And he doesn't know, like a total.

[Jameela Jamil]

At all.

[Michael Blyden]

Total blockage. Complete, completely blocked. And I said, I'm sorry for wasting your time. And I said to Larry, I said, I don't know you. And I have trouble getting angry at you. And that means I'm probably not good at this. And I'm sorry about that. And he. He was so sweet. He's so understood. He's like, oh, I hate that we don't have scripts. It's hard. I don't like the process. I think you're doing great. I think this is, I think something about my reaction and my killing the whole thing. In a way, he, like, felt like it was how he would react in real life, that he was just gonna chuck the whole thing. And I was like, you don't have to say that. I'm so sorry. And I will leave now. I'll just go. And as I walk out, he goes, hey, look, I totally understand. Consider this a good audition. And I was like, thank you. I know it's not, but I appreciate that. And I walked all the way down the hallway to where all the other actors were. And he leans out again from the hallway, yells, I don't know, 40, 50ft. Consider it a good audition.

[Ian Lara]

You know what? I think it's interesting if you.

[Jameela Jamil]

But also still didn't hire you, if

[Ian Lara]

you'd have played the character how you felt, I think you'd have got the

[Michael Blyden]

role, like, changed, you mean? Just changed it to what I was feeling.

[Ian Lara]

Just crying. Like, crying and sad about the situation because the dad died instead of being angry.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, man, I can't imagine the dream is to be on Curb youb Enthusiasm. Choking it because you couldn't make it to Chilli Dog is fucking horrifying.

[Michael Blyden]

You're at the threshold of what every half hour, what every sitcom actor wants is that moment, that chance. And all you gotta do is do what you do.

[Jameela Jamil]

And people really don't get it. They have no idea how deathly humiliating an audition can be at times. Like, it's very rare that you get to go in and do something sane. Someone somewhere has footage. And. You know what really upsets me is that now it's become completely acceptable to just release footage of people who didn't get the jobs. Auditions for stuff. Right. Have you noticed that this is now happening. Like, we're seeing Britney Spears audition for the Notebook that she didn't get. Like, why are we. I've seen countless auditions that I shouldn't be seeing, even from people who did get the job. I saw my audition for the Good Place that I was never asked whether I felt comfortable about it going out where I'm. I mean, I'm. I made such strange decisions in that audition that I can't believe that's out there. But. But now knowing that someone has a videotape that I would actually be successfully blackmailed over. Like, if they tried to say, I'm going to release this publicly, I feel as though I would give them, like, a kidney where I have to play like I'm a bank robbery who's holding people hostage. So it's all mime, you know, and screaming and shouting and holding a gun against an empty wall and grabbing someone who isn't there by the. Like, by the back of their neck. And I'm being violent with people who aren't there. And it must look like a mental health episode. And I'm pretending to be out of breath. And it's. It feet. You feel so small in the moment. You're not immersed in it. There's no way, like, it's so obscene to expect someone to actually believe it when there's nothing tangible there to work with. You feel like such a cunt, and it is. You feel, like, so hot in the face, and everything feels like it's happening so slowly. And you look at them occasionally and you can see them sort of like grimacing for you. And I remember praying in that moment for the big quake. Like, praying. I was like, we're 100 years overdue. This one will definitely kill us all. Please, God, let the big quake start now and take all of the footage from this moment with it. It's so slow and still and mortifying. So I feel you. And I love that Larry David is just so the opposite of his character on Curb that he kept on reassuring you whilst not giving you the job. Thank you for those stories. They are phenomenal. Whilst we all recover from that horror, we're going to read a story from one of our listeners. They are fantastic participants of this podcast where they tell us their tales of woe. And they're very generous when they share. And this one's from Madonna. So Madonna says, I studied abroad for a semester in Florence, Italy. When I told Italians my name Madonna, sometimes people bristled. It turns out to some that the name Madonna is The Holy Virgin Mary. And it's not okay to use for anyone else. Some older people even crossed themselves when I'd say it. So I had to pivot to a different name and I picked Fiona. And right away, things were much worse. When I said my new name, people laughed and pointed at me. And I quickly learned that Fiona sounds a lot like the Italian slang Fehona, which means big pussy. And she goes on to say, also, why is there a word for that? I decided I was better off with the sacrilegious Madonna. Oh, phenomenal. I had no idea. But I will now never hear the word Fiona sanely ever again. Why is there a word for big pussy? Fijona's ruined. Fiona's around the world's lives forever. And it's gonna enter my lexicon for sure from now on and no one will know what the fuck I'm talking about. Madonna, thank you for that excellent story. Thank you to all the listeners. Always remember that we're so, so interested in hearing your tales of woe. Guys, you've been so generous today. Thank you so much. I have cringed, I have laughed, I wanted to cry and kill myself at several points in this podcast episode. Before we go, can you tell everyone where they can find you and what you want them to watch and listen to? Ian.

[Ian Lara]

Yes, I'm at Ian Lara live on Instagram and TikTok and all that good stuff. And I have an HBO special called Romantic Comedy and I just released a free special on YouTube called Material Boy.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, congratulations everyone. Go watch Michael.

[Michael Blyden]

I'm working on this documentary about the life of Mitch Hedberg with director Jeff Segal and that will be out sometime in the next probably year or two. So watch out for that.

[Jameela Jamil]

Fabulous. We will all be sitting there for the next year or two, waiting, watching. Well, Dan Carlin's number one fan and Ian Lara. Thank you so much. Thank you guys. Thank you so much for coming in. You've been a joy. Love you. Bye.

[Michael Blyden]

Thank you.

[Fin AI Representative]

Bye.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com youm can find full length videos of our episodes on YouTube. And don't forget to subscribe, like review wherever you get your your podcast and tell your friends about us. And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called A Low Desire to Please. That's enough of me. I'm going to off now. Bye.

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[Michael Blyden]

AI. Okay. Caller one wins courtside seats to tonight's game. What? I won floor seats.

[Fin AI Representative]

You did?

[Michael Blyden]

I've been calling for 13 months. Wait. Chris.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Michael Blyden]

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[Fin AI Representative]

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[Michael Blyden]

Not a chance.

[Fin AI Representative]

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[Michael Blyden]

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