Jay Jurden and Michael Cruz Kayne

Summary

Podcast Title: Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil
Episode: Jay Jurden and Michael Cruz Kane
Release Date: July 3, 2025
Hosts/Guests:

• Host: Jameela Jamil
• Guests: Michael Cruz Kane (Comedian, Actor, Emmy-Nominated Writer) and Jay Jurden (Actor, Writer, Comedian)

---

Introduction and Welcome (02:05 – 02:44)

Jameela Jamil opens the episode with her signature humor, introducing Wrong Turns as a space where guests share their most embarrassing and humiliating stories without seeking redemption or silver linings. Today’s guests are:

• Michael Cruz Kane: Recognized for his work on Severance, Billy on the Street, and as a writer for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
• Jay Jurden: An actor, writer, and comedian with performances on HBO, Comedy Central, and contributions to The New Yorker.

Notable Quote:
"Wrong Turns: where dignity goes to die." — Jameela Jamil [02:05]

---

Friendly Teasing and Banter (02:35 – 04:17)

The hosts engage in playful banter, humorously correcting each other's accolades and appearance. Michael jokes about losing Emmys and faces good-natured ribbing about his shoes, leading to light-hearted exchanges that set a relaxed and humorous tone.

Notable Quote:
"Michael Cruz Kane: I have in fact lost a few Emmys." — Michael Cruz Kane [02:35]

---

Personal Anecdotes and Humorous Mishaps (03:23 – 09:23)

Michael and Jay share personal stories highlighting awkward and embarrassing moments:

1. Michael’s Eczema Struggles (10:17 – 12:31):
   Michael discusses his battle with severe eczema, humorously describing his extensive use of lotions and his experience with Dupixent. He recounts an incident at Starbucks where a staff member misunderstood his condition, leading to an amusing yet humiliating encounter.

   Notable Quote:
   "I have literally insane eczema so absolutely reach out. Fucking dupixent." — Michael Cruz Kane [10:17]

2. Jameela’s Fear of Strong Flavors (06:44 – 08:53):
   Jameela shares her aversion to strong flavors and sauces, describing the humorous consequences of accidentally consuming spicy chili sauce, including burning herself in uncomfortable places.

   Notable Quote:
   "I'll demolish on fucking Hot Ones." — Jameela Jamil [08:10]

3. Imaginary Show Concepts (09:10 – 09:43):
   The trio humorously brainstorms a twisted version of the Hot Ones show, imagining increasingly absurd and embarrassing challenges.

---

Embarrassing Stories: Michael’s Cheese Incident (14:46 – 18:59)

Michael Cruz Kane recounts a particularly mortifying experience involving overeating cheese, leading to severe physical reactions:

• The Incident: After consuming two and a half pounds of aged cheese, Michael experiences sudden blindness and debilitating headaches. In his attempt to help a fellow student, he ends up being involuntarily covered in vomit.

• Medical Explanation: A doctor explains that excessive tyramine from the cheese triggered his body’s inflammatory response, causing his eyes to shut off temporarily.

• Humorous Reflection: Michael humorously reflects on the absurdity of the situation, dubbing it "cheese blindness" and sharing the awkward aftermath of the event.

Notable Quote:
"I have literally insane eczema so absolutely reach out. Fucking dupixent." — Michael Cruz Kane [10:17]
"Cheese blindness is what that means. I ate so much cheese, I'm not kidding. I went blind. I could not see at all." — Michael Cruz Kane [15:45]

---

Young Love and Awkward Encounters (38:11 – 46:25)

Jay Jurden shares his adolescent adventures, detailing awkward and embarrassing moments from high school relationships:

1. Making Out Disruptions (38:22 – 42:46):
   Jay describes intimate moments with his high school girlfriend being interrupted by her grandmother’s unexpected knock, leading to hilarious social anxiety and embarrassment.

   Notable Quote:
   "And then grandma knocked on the door and she's like mortified." — J. Jordan [23:53]

2. Teen Parties and Peer Pressure (43:02 – 46:25):
   Jay recounts participating in a truth-or-dare game where he was dared to masturbate in exchange for seeing girls’ breasts. His honest and humorous narration highlights the cringe-worthy nature of teenage experiments and peer pressure.

   Notable Quote:
   "So I went into the bathroom at this party, I jerked off into a tissue at the thought of boobs." — J. Jordan [44:08]

---

Reflection and Shared Experiences (46:25 – 50:25)

The conversation transitions to reflections on their shared embarrassing experiences, fostering a sense of camaraderie and mutual understanding among the hosts and guests.

• Mutual Embarrassment: J. Jordan and Michael bond over their similar humiliating experiences, emphasizing that everyone has their own awkward moments.

• Supportive Banter: Jameela fosters a supportive environment, ensuring that the guests feel comfortable sharing their stories without judgment.

Notable Quote:
"We are revoking, thinking. Oh, no, you're right. You are under six feet and then continue to go on to thrive like your fucking LeBron is." — Jameela Jamil [49:46]

---

Conclusion and Contact Information (50:06 – 51:01)

Jameela Jamil wraps up the episode by thanking Michael and Jay for their candid and humorous storytelling. She encourages listeners to share their own "wrong turns" via voice memos sent to [e-mail] for potential inclusion in future episodes.

Final Thoughts:
The episode underscores the theme that everyone has their own series of embarrassment and misfortunes, creating a relatable and humorous space for listeners to commiserate and laugh together.

Notable Quote:
"Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil, and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to our launch producer, Eve Bishop, our editor, Shannon Joy Rogers, and consulting producer, Colin Anderson." — Jameela Jamil [50:14]

---

Key Takeaways

• Relatability: Guests share universally embarrassing moments, fostering a sense of shared humanity.
• Humor in Humiliation: The episode highlights the importance of finding humor in personal misfortunes.
• Supportive Community: Wrong Turns serves as a platform for listeners to connect over their own stories of mishaps and failures.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• "Wrong Turns: where dignity goes to die." — Jameela Jamil [02:05]
• "I have literally insane eczema so absolutely reach out. Fucking dupixent." — Michael Cruz Kane [10:17]
• "I'll demolish on fucking Hot Ones." — Jameela Jamil [08:10]
• "Cheese blindness is what that means. I ate so much cheese, I'm not kidding. I went blind. I could not see at all." — Michael Cruz Kane [15:45]
• "We are revoking, thinking. Oh, no, you're right. You are under six feet and then continue to go on to thrive like your fucking LeBron is." — Jameela Jamil [49:46]

---

Conclusion

This episode of Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil offers a blend of humor, vulnerability, and camaraderie as guests Michael Cruz Kane and Jay Jurden share their most embarrassing and awkward stories. The lively interactions and candid revelations create an engaging and relatable listening experience, embodying the show's ethos of embracing life's misfortunes with laughter and solidarity.

Transcript

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[Richard Karn]

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[Michael Cruz Kane]

Message and data rates may apply.

[Richard Karn]

See terms for details.

[J. Jordan]

Foreign.

[Jameela Jamil]

Welcome to Wrong Turns. This is the show where dignity goes to die. Where we don't try and fashion a silver lining out of every up thing that happens to us. And I bring on my favorite funny people and they tell me their tales of woe and misery and humiliation and we don't try and make a meal out of it. All right, this is anti inspiration. It's pro commiseration with me today, I have two incredibly funny people. One is a comedian, actor, and Emmy winning writer from shows like Severance, Billy on the street and the Late show with Stephen Colbert. It's Michael Cruz Caine. Hello.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Just to clarify your fact checkers, I have in fact lost a few Emmys.

[J. Jordan]

But never won one Emmy nominated.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, shit.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

But that's fine. Leave it. Absolutely don't.

[Jameela Jamil]

Opposite day.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Thank you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Emmy award winner, Oscar Wilde started at.

[J. Jordan]

The top of the show.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

If it's opposite day, then man with a full head of hair and knees that work. Awesome. Michael.

[Jameela Jamil]

Kristen.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yes. Why?

[J. Jordan]

You know what?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

The shoes was an off camera thing.

[Jameela Jamil]

We've been bullying him about his shoes.

[J. Jordan]

He's got on Brooks, actually.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Brooks, if you're. Which are these on my camera? Brooks, if you want to sponsor me, right?

[J. Jordan]

Yeah. Sponsor me. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do not sponsor us out of this narrative. And we also have with us an actor, writer and comedian who's performed on HBO Comedy Central three times on the Tonight show and written for the New Yorker. And none other than John motherfucking Stewart is J. Motherfucking Jordan.

[J. Jordan]

Hello, Camille. Thank you. That was all correct about me. Fact checkers. Amazing job.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I do feel like I'm being bullied instantly.

[J. Jordan]

Being bullied.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's why we brought you here.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Thank you. To be the target of whatever pent up rage you both have.

[J. Jordan]

I have any.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

None.

[J. Jordan]

I had a good day.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah. It's beautiful.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're in such a good mood. Thank you.

[J. Jordan]

I like the rain. I like being prepared for the rain. A jacket, an umbrella when it's raining. First of all, this is. Do you love this weather going on right now in New York?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, I live in this in England. So this is. So you come here for a little treat? Yeah, I came here for some sunshine and I wanted to walk with a slice down the street in New York and I can't because I'm sodden. So I'm actually very disappointed.

[J. Jordan]

You are so gorgeous that you walking down the street with a slice of pizza. People would go, what is this? Is this a shoot?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

Is this a shoot?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

Is this a commercial for pizza in general?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

People would be like, okay, put it down. Get a new one.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I think if when I walk down the street with a slice of pizza, people are like, that poor man, they.

[J. Jordan]

Go, that's his only meal of the day.

[Jameela Jamil]

And they go, who gave that man that pizza?

[J. Jordan]

What?

[Jameela Jamil]

Samaritan gave that man that pizza.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I think I started bullying myself. And then you guys piled on again. But you also, I think you Also you radiate like. I feel like you have a. You got a. You have an energy. You. I don't know you well enough.

[J. Jordan]

Sebaceous glance.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I've never seen you in a.

[J. Jordan]

My glow. It's sweat. Your charisma.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I've just never seen you in a bad mood.

[J. Jordan]

I've been in a bad mood.

[Jameela Jamil]

How are you both doing today?

[J. Jordan]

Very well. I'm happy I'm here. I was excited I got to see you. We never get the hang of. I only see you on my phone.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I'm doing great. I went to a little fancy dinner last night and. That's nice. And at the dinner I don't drink drinks because I think they taste bad and they make me feel bad. Hot. Take two.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've never drunk alcohol.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Never in your life. Never know that it tastes.

[Jameela Jamil]

One time by accident, I drank like something that I was forced to swallow because we were going live as. I drunk the wrong person's drink. But that's the only time.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And what did you think of it?

[Jameela Jamil]

It was fucking foul. It tasted like pure poison and pepper.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I think that's. That's how I feel.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's what I imagine gasoline tastes like.

[J. Jordan]

It is poison. It. I mean, it is poison.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

It is that, but that's the point.

[J. Jordan]

Very refined palate, like something's wrong with.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Anyway, last night I. The fancy dinner, they had like a wine pairing, but they also had like, you know, non alcoholic drinks and I had one of them and it turned out that it was like infused with weed, so I got a little bit accidentally high.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, wait, alcohol infused with weed?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

It's not. It was a non alcoholic drink. It was a drink that had cannabis. I guess now I don't think I'll be able to answer any follow up questions about that, but it was a drink that I had that made me high and I felt pretty good.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And so today, is that a drink you ordered? Did you order a normal drink and then someone put a little present in there for you?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I pointed the drink and I said, I'll have this. And then after I had a couple sips, I was like, I feel different. And then I looked more closely and it said there be drugs in here.

[J. Jordan]

So the non alcoholic option was. Wasn't a completely sober option.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

There were other. There was like a phony Negroni, but I was like, that's gonna taste like a Negroni. Negroni tastes bad to me.

[J. Jordan]

Yes.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

You know what I mean? And they also have like non alcoholic wines, you know what I mean? So like this tastes Just like Merlot. But Merlot tastes bad.

[J. Jordan]

Yes.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So I don't want that. Sounds like I'll have this other thing.

[Jameela Jamil]

Anything I don't like the smell of, I don't put in my mouth as a rule.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay. I think that's a great. I think that's a great rule.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a great rule, and it keeps me safe.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Cause the nose and the mouth are friends.

[J. Jordan]

But some stinky stuff tastes good. They're stinky salads that to me stink, but they are.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

What are we talking, like gorgonzola?

[J. Jordan]

Well, that's. You're bold.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yes, but because I don't like that either. I think I have this rule I've never articulated.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know what? I went on a podcast yesterday, and I was told that apparently there are people called super tasters.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I've heard of this.

[Jameela Jamil]

But you know what this is? So this is basically people who have such a. An overreactive palate that we have an overly strong, like, pathetic wimp attitude towards, like, a lot of strong flavors and tastes like, I can't handle ketchup.

[J. Jordan]

Too much vinegar.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like any. Anything. I can't handle any condiment. Any sauce. I love seasoning, but I don't like sauce.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Interesting. That sounds like a texture situation. No, it's a flavor.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's texture and. But it's also flavor. I just, like, don't like too much flavor. I'm really just the fucking most boring person alive and I should be taken out and shot. No, I think. Okay, after this episode. Goodbye, everyone.

[J. Jordan]

So if you were eating a slice, you'd be like, oh, it's so spicy.

[Jameela Jamil]

And they'd be like, no, but I'm a margarita, okay? And I love spice. I have the. I have a Teflon mouth, okay. There's nothing I can't handle. However, last night, in a moment of Teflon glory, in which I cover. I sort of eat food. I don't put chili sauce in my food. I put food in my chili sauce.

[J. Jordan]

Wow.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah. I would demolish on fucking Hot Ones.

[J. Jordan]

Sean Evans.

[Jameela Jamil]

Listen, I was dying to go on that show.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah. And be like, I don't even notice this.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

But if there's a lot of sauce, I think a lot of those are. There's.

[Jameela Jamil]

I can handle. I can handle it. I just don't like it. But. But I. Without fail, because I'm India and I eat with my fucking hands.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I will at some point, touch my pussy at some point and burn myself. Burn myself in the crotch. I'll be. How Far.

[J. Jordan]

How far apart are these acts?

[Jameela Jamil]

Far. Okay, but I'll just go for a wee. And I won't remember that I had chili sauce on my hand. And then just a little bit, I'll just graze it. I'll miss the tissue. And I'll graze it. And then I am like, this girl is on fire. It's horrific.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I extremely did not predict where this was going to end up.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, there you go.

[J. Jordan]

I love it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Anyway, moving on.

[J. Jordan]

No, no, no. We're not moving on. We're staying.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

This is what this podcast is about now.

[J. Jordan]

This is what. That's a wrong turn.

[Jameela Jamil]

A weekly wrong turn.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wrong burn is what.

[J. Jordan]

There we go. All right. You hear that Sean Evans collab. This could happen. Wrong burn. He has to touch his. The tip of his penis after handing you one of the hot ones.

[Jameela Jamil]

Because I think that that escalate at some point.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Because they've got to change.

[Jameela Jamil]

Everyone completed it. It's like, now it's gotta be. Which source? Can you put the tip of your cock and still keep answering?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah. What can be inside your urethra?

[Jameela Jamil]

Rub around your leathery bagel? The ring of fire of your asshole. You know what I mean? And tolerate. That's now that I want to watch. Let's make that show.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Absolutely.

[Jameela Jamil]

Anyway, when it comes to disaster, back on track.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Wow. What a segment.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you feel as though it follows you around? You know, are you living Final Destination?

[J. Jordan]

No, but I have had the moments that always remind me to be humble.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right.

[J. Jordan]

It doesn't follow me, but when they do happen, I go, you know what? Okay. Universe. All right. Okay. Okay. Entropy, I think. Okay. Okay. Rule of Constance. I get it.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

I'm not in charge. Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

For me, I feel like my. I'm in constant pain. Does that count? Like, every day. I've reached an age. My extremely late 20s. No, I'm kidding.

[Jameela Jamil]

How old are you?

[J. Jordan]

Double what he said.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I am 46.

[Jameela Jamil]

Are you actually 46?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I might be.

[Jameela Jamil]

How do you have this skin?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

How do I have this skin?

[J. Jordan]

No, no. You know the secret.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay, well, there are a few things that I have. Yeah. I don't even know what you're referring to.

[J. Jordan]

I know you know what I'm referring to.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Here's what I'll tell you.

[Jameela Jamil]

You make it sound like it's like a denachrome.

[J. Jordan]

It is.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

What it is, is it's the blood of children. No, I, I. So, okay, some cool stuff about me. I have literally insane eczema so absolutely reach out. Fucking dupixent. If you. So. So I take it. First of all, I inject myself with a drug every two weeks to make my eczema go away. Called dupixent. I'm a pharma boy. I've been taking it since the beginning. I'm going to die of a disease that no one's even invented yet.

[J. Jordan]

Hasn't even made him trans yet.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

But also because of the eczema. I'm a lubricator. I mean, I'll. I'm. I am. I'm putting lotion on myself every day of my life.

[Jameela Jamil]

Because I was like, you're like the inside of the glove of the bad guy in Of Mice and Men. You know, the. The horrible guy who keeps his hand. One hand in a glove.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Absolutely.

[Jameela Jamil]

Vaseline. Because that's the hand for his lady.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Can I tell you something about this?

[Jameela Jamil]

Tell me.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I went to a Starbucks recently. This is not one of these stories, but just the. And the lady. I was giving the lady the money and she felt. Incidentally felt my hand and called other women out of the back of the Starbucks to feel my hand.

[J. Jordan]

Give it a feel.

[Jameela Jamil]

Jesus Christ.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Having a soft hand.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's like a baby seal.

[J. Jordan]

Oh, my God.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I mean, look, I have Sophia. It's a combination of having really bad eczema, vanity and never doing a day of work in my entire life.

[Jameela Jamil]

Amazing.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Those three. Incredible.

[Jameela Jamil]

But you know what? Like, I'm. I have no excuse. Then my. My whole body just feels like Gandhi's crusty asshole. It's really crazy.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Really? A lot of. A lot of. In the asshole.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with it because. Because I'm afraid of it.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Because.

[J. Jordan]

Oh, wow.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So you lean into your fear.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, because I have. I have an asshole the size of a tiny little cat. Like a kitten. I just do like rabbit sized poos.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Oh, that's wonderful.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, just.

[J. Jordan]

Well, as humans, that. That hole develops first when we're. When we're blastopores. When we're like. When we're like blastocyst. Oh, shit.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

What's happening now?

[J. Jordan]

The first hole that is created on us as humans is the asshole. It's not the mouth.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wow.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Why do you know this?

[J. Jordan]

Because in biology, we're what's known as deuterostomes, not protostomes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, God, my.

[J. Jordan]

So deutero means second deuteronomy. So the butthole develops first on us.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do you feel like the weed drink is happening again?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, maybe. I'm still Working.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do you feel like it's still working?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I just did not expect to come here and get so much asshole talk and then get a TED Talk about assholes.

[J. Jordan]

But that's the human condition. We start off assholes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[J. Jordan]

Oh, my God. But that's.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm obsessed with you.

[J. Jordan]

It's the truth.

[Jameela Jamil]

I knew if I met you in person, I'd become obsessed with you. And now it's happened, but, like, now.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

It'S like it's become beautiful now.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah. I was gonna say that the reason your skin looks so good is because the. Is the biracial element.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Oh, yeah.

[J. Jordan]

You didn't even talk about that.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Well, that's also, I think, sort of naturally, like, the ugliest biracial person is still, like, Reese is like, still like a seven. You know what I mean?

[Jameela Jamil]

What race are you? By.

[J. Jordan]

What race are you? That's the best way to.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

We're talking. We're talking Filipino and we're talking whites.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay. So. Yeah. So Asian doesn't raisin.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah. And I'm also. But I pretty much read white. I think most people think white or something.

[J. Jordan]

I always go, there's something.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

That's right.

[Jameela Jamil]

You were saying you're 46. That's how we went off on the Wild.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, but we can. You can edit that. We can cut that. We can cut that out. No, it's industry. I am whatever age you need me to be.

[Jameela Jamil]

There's no way I'm losing, like, fucking Neil Degrasse Tyson here. Like, there's no way.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Exactly. In order to get to deuter stones.

[J. Jordan]

Deutero stones.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Deutero stones.

[Jameela Jamil]

You need M46 if you generally have a lucky or unlucky life. And we have.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

What is this podcast about exactly?

[Jameela Jamil]

So you're. You're old, is what you were saying.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I am.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Brought to you by Brooks.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah, Brooks. Because sometimes the stairs are uneven.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, it's fucked up. But that's true. That is why.

[Jameela Jamil]

Can you give me any examples of micro humiliations?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay, well, so here's the. The one that comes to mind immediately is that before I was married to my wife, we lived together. That's kind of the natural progression of that. Why did I say that part? Okay, and so, because this is a.

[J. Jordan]

Christian podcast and you are going to hell.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

Just.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah. This is huge in the Christian community.

[Jameela Jamil]

They hadn't had sex.

[J. Jordan]

They hadn't had. You just looked at her every now and then. Yeah. Oh, I'm gonna do whatever.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

They're a piece of translucent glass, like, not a clear look.

[J. Jordan]

So you live with this lady.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

She took a gig volunteering in Thailand. And I bought, as a celebration of, like, this commitment that she'd made, I bought a bunch of, like, wine and cheese for us to have the night before. And she drank wine because she likes to drink wine. But she hardly ate any of the cheese. I don't like to waste. The next morning, she left, and I ate two and a half pounds of aged cheese.

[Jameela Jamil]

No wonder you have eczema.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay, fuck off. And it gave me something that I know you've never heard of.

[J. Jordan]

I know.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Which is cheese blindness. So here's what that means. I ate so much cheese. I'm not kidding. I went blind. I could not see at all.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, is it called cheese blindness, or have you named it cheese blindness?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I don't think you could look it up on, like, in a medical journal.

[Jameela Jamil]

Something like this happened to me.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Really?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes. It happened last summer. I ate two bags of Haribo while sitting down, writing my substack in one sitting. But I'm 40. I used to do that when I was 15. And I would do my homework. And I ate straight bags of gummy bears. Yeah. And then I went blind for three hours.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Really?

[Jameela Jamil]

Couldn't see anything. Yeah. And I couldn't find my phone. And I was like, oh, I guess I'm just blind now. Yeah, it was fucking terrifying. It's because of the sugar content in the cheese.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Well, it was. So there's something in the cheese, apparently. So I. I went blind. I was working as a tutor at the time.

[J. Jordan]

No.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So I would, like. I tried to just, like, you know, I never had anything.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like, wait, how long were you blind for?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Probably, like, varying degrees of blindness. For a day, basically for a day from morning tonight.

[Jameela Jamil]

Terrifying.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And then terrible headaches for days afterwards.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So I went to tutor a student because I was like, this will just wear off. You know, never having had this experience before. And I'm in the room with the kid, and she's like, you know, Michael, how do you do this problem? And I'm like, I can't see you. So I have to call my dad, who's a doctor, who, like, has always been like, you know, I don't. Never worried about me ever. Anytime anything was wrong with me, he was like, you're fine. And this time he was like, you have to go to the emergency room right away.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right, right, right.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So I'm freaking out. I go to the emergency room. The doctor, before he runs the test is like, has anything changed in your life recently? And I Have to say, kind of, I just ate two and a half pounds of cheese.

[J. Jordan]

Two and a half.

[Jameela Jamil]

Ever shit again?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

No, I have not to this day.

[J. Jordan]

That is. That's. I was more concerned about you being plugged up. I was more worried about that than blindness. Blind from enzymes or.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

He said there's something in the cheese called tyramine, and if you get too much of it, you can have. It's a dosage thing, right. Like, you eat, like a regular amount of cheese, you're fine. But if you eat too much tyramine, it can trigger an inflammatory response in your body. And my body's reaction to that was, we're just gonna turn off the eyes.

[J. Jordan]

I'm also gonna say that your Filipino half turned off the eyes. The white half was like, I need more of this cheese.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Give me more.

[J. Jordan]

The white half colonizing the cheese. I need it. Oh, we love stuff in caves that's went bad. But you. The Filipino app was like, absolutely.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

We're good. Yeah. I think. I think there is a part of me that's like, we can't throw out.

[J. Jordan]

It made you go see a Filipino nurse. That's what it did.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah. It brought me closer to my roots.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's such a humiliating thing to have to say to a doctor.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah. It's pretty brutal to be, like a grown adult man. Yeah. For the doctor to be like, I think you. You out cheesed yourself.

[Jameela Jamil]

How old were you at this time?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

45. No, I was last week. I was probably before we had k. Probably like 25 or something like that.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, wow, that is young. You know what? It's fine if you're 25. I feel like you're about to. Thank you. Could you have died?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Oh, I don't know if I could have. I mean, based on the fact that I went blind, I feel like I could have died. I'm probably half a pound of cheese from killing myself by accident.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's such an embarrassing way to die.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

It would be a true. He died doing what he loved, though.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I'm into it. We're gonna go to a quick break. Only Boost Mobile will give you a free year of service when you buy.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

A new 5G phone. Oh, like a BOGO.

[Jameela Jamil]

A BOGO.

[J. Jordan]

Buy one, get BOGO.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, technically it's buy one phone, get one year. So.

[J. Jordan]

Bop goy. Ah, bop goy.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Get the Boost Mobile. Bop goy.

[J. Jordan]

Deal.

[Jameela Jamil]

Bop goy with Boost Mobile.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Bop goy, bop goy, bop goy. This is the best idea we've ever had. When you purchase an eligible device. You get $25 off every month for 12 months with credits totaling one year of free service taxes extra for the device and service plan online only.

[Hannah Burner]

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[Dr. Patrick McGrath]

What if I told you that right now millions of people are living with a debilitating condition that's so misunderstood, many of them don't even know that they have it? That condition is Obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD. I'm Dr. Patrick McGrath, the chief clinical officer of NOCD, and in the 25 years I've been treating OCD, I've met so many people who are suffering from the condition in silence, unaware of just what it was. OCD can create overwhelming anxiety and fear around what you value most, make you question your identity, beliefs and morals, and drive you to perform mentally and physically draining compulsions or rituals. Over my career, I've seen just how devastating OCD can be when it's left untreated. But help is available. That's where NOCD comes in. NOCD is the world's largest virtual therapy provider for obsessive compulsive disorder. Our licensed therapists are trained in exposure and response prevention therapy, a specialized treatment proven to be incredibly effective for OCD. So visit nocd.com to schedule a free 15 minute call with our team. That's nocd.com.

[Jameela Jamil]

And we're back.

[J. Jordan]

Whoa. Hello. Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

I missed you.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I know. I was so sad behind that ad for broke. I don't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

What about you? Any micro humiliations?

[J. Jordan]

Micro humiliations? I had a few of them. So the big thing in high school for me is I loved hooking up with girls. That was a thing that, like, looking back on it, I was wild. Currently married to a man, but as a bisexual high school, I was a little terrible little slut. And at one point, one of my high school girlfriends and I, we were getting hot and heavy in the car. I don't wanna brag. It was a Mitsubishi Galant.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

And so when we were in the front seat of my Mitsubishi Gallant, we did park in her parents driveway. And we started getting hot and heavy at one point. Yeah, we had to do this one time. So at that point, you're doing the.

[Jameela Jamil]

Titanic hand down the window.

[J. Jordan]

So here's the crazy part. It was very hot. And then. Do you know the bases? So we were past second, so we were rounding third.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay.

[J. Jordan]

Knock on the window in the driveway. Grandma.

[Jameela Jamil]

Not grandma.

[J. Jordan]

Her grandma.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was worried it was dad, but her grandma. Zip up.

[J. Jordan]

Not my grandma. Exactly. Yeah. Hide yourself.

[Jameela Jamil]

I feel so exposed.

[J. Jordan]

And the wildest part is grandma was parked behind me. So I had to be like, I'm so sorry, ma' am. Also, you gotta let me out. You gotta let me back out. So at the three point turn, I was like, I have to leave.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, what did grandma see?

[J. Jordan]

She screamed. What was her point? She saw like some boobs.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

She didn't see because we're rounding third.

[J. Jordan]

We're rounding third. No, we're past second. We're approaching third. So pants. She unzipped.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay.

[J. Jordan]

No. So it was more of a I'm in the driver's seat situation. And the reason I couldn't see grandma is because I'm turned to the passenger seat. Making out in the passenger seat. The console is kind of like in the middle. This is a threesome at this point. Cause of the gear shaft. And so we're doing all of that. I'm on top of her. And so then knock on the window.

[Jameela Jamil]

Does she see your bumhole?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Obsessed with bum. Absolutely.

[J. Jordan]

She does not. She definitely sees boxers.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, because if your bum was facing.

[J. Jordan]

The window, that would be hilarious. And that is the. That is a much bigger fear. But no, hands were down pants and hands were on boobs. It was. I mean, to be fair, it was kind of PG stuff. Maybe PG 13. And then grandma knocked on the door and then she's like mortified. And so then I also have to ask her. And then I never went back. Never went back.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is a nightmare.

[J. Jordan]

But we did hook up again.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, that was wonderful.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And that's a beautiful ending.

[J. Jordan]

In front of grandpa in front of grandpa to make it even. It was at the cemetery. It was at the cemetery. We were like, well, he needs to see. He needs to see this. But no, we did.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do you think maybe when we get random shutters it's because someone just fucked on our grave?

[J. Jordan]

Ooh, maybe that's in the future.

[Jameela Jamil]

So you think there's a time traveling. That's what happened.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Ramification.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's what I think. Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

That's what you thought for a long time.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hugely intelligent. Yeah, hugely. And you should be really intimidating.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Honestly, I've always thought that.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I agree with you. And that's something I thought for a long time.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's why I have bangs. Just to hide my ginormous brain.

[J. Jordan]

No. But we got caught. And then it was a little bit awkward for a moment. But when you're a teenage boy, my dick was not embarrassed. My dick was like, we got stuff to do.

[Jameela Jamil]

Is your dick embarrassed now?

[J. Jordan]

Um, no, it's not exactly.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't think it has that.

[J. Jordan]

It's hard for my brains to be embarrassed. There have been moments. One time I was hooking up with my husband in a room at the Fire island house that we kind of were at that summer and the owners walked in and because Fire island is such a free.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

The owners like you were renting this house or you were guests.

[J. Jordan]

So we were guests in one of the bedrooms.

[Jameela Jamil]

We broke into the house.

[J. Jordan]

We broke into the house. We were hooked up, looking up and this was like. This was full on and wonderful.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I think that's great.

[J. Jordan]

By the way, the guys who like own the house, we share a bathroom with them and their room's right there. And I remember one of them just went, oh boys. And just like went about wash it up.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

They just kept about there.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's fire. They're not going to be amazed.

[J. Jordan]

But that's what I'm saying. So that's like the difference in those two moments.

[Jameela Jamil]

100.

[J. Jordan]

It's been 20 plus years.

[Jameela Jamil]

Penises were incapable of embarrassment.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like no. No buildings would have been built. No.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Certainly no civilization wouldn't exist.

[Jameela Jamil]

We wouldn't have electricity.

[J. Jordan]

Certainly no obelisks.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. 100. Definitely not that rocket.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Katy Perry and Gail King definitely didn't actually go to space.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Inland.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Never been.

[J. Jordan]

Okay.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

But isn't there. Here's how I imagine it.

[J. Jordan]

All right.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

It's like a bunch of 40 and 50 year old people with their kids on one side.

[J. Jordan]

I want you to know what I heard.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Sex paradise.

[J. Jordan]

This is what you. This is what I heard. It's A bunch of.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's what I had.

[J. Jordan]

It's like you didn't know. It's a bunch of. No, a bunch of wrong turn hate.

[Jameela Jamil]

Crime on my fucking show.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

A bad edit could really end.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[J. Jordan]

Here's what. Here's. I have a bunch of. Because you went. I have a question about Fire Island. I went, shoot, Michael. So just tell me if I'm getting this right. It's a bunch of. Oh, what do you. What do you.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

You just cut my whole question out.

[J. Jordan]

What do you call people who go to hell? What do you. What do you call them?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Families.

[Jameela Jamil]

40 year old families.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

40 year old families on one side and then sex paradise on the other side. That's how I imagine it.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So is that right?

[J. Jordan]

There's this. Yeah. Sex. So the Pines versus Cherry Grove.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay, which one is Sex Paradise?

[J. Jordan]

So the Pines is all the boys and the. And the drag queens and the. And you know, and the queer people having their way that summer. And then some of the families are kind of in Cherry Grove. But Cherry Grove also has a huge lesbian population. And those girls get down, too. They. Wow. Wow. Do they get down. Yeah, they party hard.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And I think that's great. I'm for. I'm for that.

[J. Jordan]

All right, overcorrection now.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Whatever.

[Jameela Jamil]

So, Michael.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

What was your wrong turn?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay, so I was. The summer after college, I was studying Shakespeare at Oxford. Treat me normal. But that is something that I just. I'm just like you. I'm like you.

[J. Jordan]

Oh, man. Wait a second. What?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

It was a summer camp, so let's not get. Let's not forget.

[J. Jordan]

But in Oxford.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yes.

[J. Jordan]

Mississippi, not correct.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So while I was there, I was in theater. When you come up doing theater, if you're heterosexual, you can bat. Okay, same. Same two heterosexuals. You can bat way above your weight.

[J. Jordan]

You can punch above your weight.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Punch above your weight.

[J. Jordan]

Thank you, heterosexuals.

[Jameela Jamil]

Because you're one of the. You're. It's a tiny pool of boys.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

That's exactly right. So at this place, I was regarded as, I think, more attractive than perhaps I was. But whatever it was.

[J. Jordan]

Okay, listeners, Michael's very hot. He keeps doing this. So that y' all in the comment section are gonna say, oh, my gosh. Oh, Michael, you're so handsome. We should eat ch. Go blind together.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Please do. Please do what he's saying. I need it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay, so you're cleaning up, so.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, well. So anyway, there's a girl in my Young lady in the class with me, and we have kind of like a flirtatious vibe. Nothing's actually happened. On the last day of Oxford, they throw us a river party. There's a party by the. It's a party by the river.

[J. Jordan]

Wow.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And they're drankers and they're giving. They're giving. There's wine for anybody. Have as much wine as they want.

[J. Jordan]

Wow.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And this young woman drinks a lot of wine. Like, gets absolutely destroyed. Right. So now I'm at the party. What's that? No, no, she's. She's from, I don't know, Pittsburgh or something.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, okay. She sounded English.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

She gets wrecked.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So I'm at the party. I'm talking to my friend. Let's say I'm talking to my friend Jen, and she comes up behind me, like, puts her arms around my waist. I'm like, oh, I don't really. I might be into this in some circumstance, but she's so drunk that it's not attractive to me.

[Jameela Jamil]

All right. You don't need to vouch to signal here.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So. So that later on, you know, I'm talking to somebody. I'm talking to somebody else, and she'll come up and start, like, nibbling on my ear.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I'm like, I was doing my BLM work. I was like, leave me alone, young woman. I can't give you consent.

[J. Jordan]

Michael was like, as a feminist, I.

[Jameela Jamil]

Was talking to my trans fan.

[J. Jordan]

Can I say something? He was in a wheelchair who loves getting destroyed.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Destroyed on this podcast.

[J. Jordan]

Can I say something as a person who loves trans women of color who's also body positive. I saw at this party.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

This is a terrible podcast. So anyway.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So anyway, anyway, I coach somebody else. She's, you know, nibbling on my ear or whatever. Like, you got to stop.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I go again. I go someplace else. She. She's gra. She takes my hand, puts my finger in her mouth. I'm like, this can't be happening.

[Jameela Jamil]

Nightmare.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I leave the park. I leave. I'm like, I'm being kind of stalky.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're being hunted.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, I'm being hunted. I go back to the. To the dorm. We're staying in these dorms, and I go to sleep. I wake up two hours later, someone banging on my door.

[J. Jordan]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And they're like, you gotta come out into the hallway. This woman is asking for your help. I open the door. I look out into the hallway. She is lying on the ground in the hall, vomiting onto the floor, being like, blades, help me.

[Jameela Jamil]

Is she sort of lying on her side, just.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, that's exactly right. It's kind of dripping.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So I, along with a person who knocked on the door, we go to help her. So I'm like, I'm position myself kind of underneath her. I don't know anything about what you're supposed to do, but I like try to keep her upright. That seems smart. And then give her water, which she promptly throws up on you. Pukes it up. So we're like go through this a few times. Pick her up, give her water. She pukes, wipe it off. The fourth or fifth time I do this, I'm adjusting myself because like, you know, I'm trying to get comfortable in this position. I feel like I'm going to be in for a long time. I pull my hand off under there and my hand is covered in absolutely, absolutely, absolutely painted. And the woman who's. Who's with me.

[Jameela Jamil]

How could you not felt that is piping off?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Well, I think. I don't know because I guess I was maybe as half asleep. Puke all over me.

[Jameela Jamil]

No.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

She'd already herself.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Maybe she had shot the beginning.

[Jameela Jamil]

Cooled down.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Perhaps it was room temperature. I like that you're doing CSI on this.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was room temperature. Poo. By the time your arm got it. So you thought it was vomit. I understand.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

This is what I guess is what happened.

[J. Jordan]

Both ends.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, both Front. Front. And then she's backing it.

[J. Jordan]

This is wild.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Back.

[J. Jordan]

Oh my God.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So the. The person who's helped that we're collaborating on this. This care for this person. The person who's helping me.

[J. Jordan]

She trusts you.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And I think that's beautiful.

[Jameela Jamil]

And they've been married.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And today the person's helping goes, I think she might have shat on you. And I'm like, yeah, she. Well, yeah, definitely.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Right. That's what this is for sure. 100. So then we're like, yeah, we. I. That makes me a little bit indignant. I can't keep doing this. Like, I kind of have a moment where you're like, what's. What's happening in my life right now. Oh, it can't keep happening.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So we take her like our. Both her arms under. You know what? I'm trying to do this.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And we go. Yeah. We go into her room. We're just gonna put her in bed. She seems like she's like, vaguely okay now in the room there's got it.

[Jameela Jamil]

All out all over you.

[J. Jordan]

Exactly.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

There's puke hither and thither in the room. And then we're like, we're gonna put her in the bed. But then it's like I'm looking at her being like, I can't put this person covered in and puke into her. Into the bed like this.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So what ends up happening is cut to. We take all her clothes off. Her arm is over my head. She's facing that way. I'm looking into the mirror by the sink in her room, just scrubbing the poop out of her butt while I look at myself. And to be like, this is. This is what you're doing at Oxford, my man. This. This is how.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is where you've ended up last night. This is your last thing.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

This is your. Your last hurrah is this.

[J. Jordan]

This.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Clean her up, put her in her bed. And so that's sort of the end of the story.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Epilogue. The next day, she rather cheekily offers to. Cheekily. You know, cuz, like, cheeks. That's kind of funny. She offers to. Yeah, she offers to do my laundry.

[J. Jordan]

Okay.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Which makes sense, right? She does my laundry for that. Then we get on a plane, like.

[Jameela Jamil]

That night to, like, clean and erase your brain.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, exactly. She was going to. She offered to Men in Black, me. And then for weeks after Brownie, I'll put that clothing on and I'll find in the pockets of it little, like, passages of smut that she has written on, like, little tiny pieces of paper crumpled up and put into the pockets of my pants. So I'll open it up and there'll be, like, a little piece of paper that says, like, you know, Rachel brushed against his hip and felt a feeling she'd never felt before. And then. And that's. That's what. That's what it was. Was. Okay. And the epilogue to the epilogue is. I've run into this person twice since.

[J. Jordan]

Then in New York.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Once in New York.

[J. Jordan]

No.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And by that time, I had told every single person I know this story. Of course, 100 of people knew. And I'm with a friend of mine, and I see her approaching, and I'm like, oh, this is the person that. I told you that, like, don't bring it up, but that's the person I told you this story about.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Because I'm like, sure. She's horrified by the story.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

She comes up to me and she's like, oh, my God. And to my friend is like. Like, do you know that I shat all over him? And I'm like, she owns it. Absolutely.

[J. Jordan]

She's right in there.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

She's telling the story. She's probably telling the story all the time.

[J. Jordan]

Holy.

[Jameela Jamil]

She was just on this podcast telling this story.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, exactly.

[Richard Karn]

And here she.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

Does she think that people like knowing that about her?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

You know what? I have everything's perspective. So maybe her version of the story is like, there was this dude who was like, being real weird.

[J. Jordan]

You know what I mean?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Like, so maybe it's maybe.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I had to shit on him to get him off me.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Richard Karn]

Or get rid of him.

[J. Jordan]

This guy was so gay. I tried fucking him the whole night. And you know what I say, you know what?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I'm so sick of this family man.

[J. Jordan]

Family man that I'm gonna get hammered. And he shot on his arm.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. You'll think about it for the rest of your life. Anyway, we're gonna go to a break.

[Howie Mandel]

I can't tell you how often I hear, oh, I'm a little ocd. I like things neat. That's not ocd. I'm Howie Mandel and I know this because I have ocd. Actual OCD causes relentless unwanted thoughts. What if I did something terrible and forgot? What if I'm a bad person? Why am I thinking this terrible thing? It makes you question absolutely everything and you'll do anything to feel better. OCD is debilitating, but it's also highly treatable with the right kind of therapy. Regular talk therapy doesn't cut it. OCD needs specialized therapy. That's why I want to tell you about nocd. NOCD is the world's largest virtual therapy provider for ocd. Their licensed therapists provide specialized therapy virtually and it's covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans. If you think you might be struggling with OCD, visit nocd.com to schedule a free 15 minute call and learn more. That's nocd.com hi, I'm Richard Karn and.

[Richard Karn]

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[Jameela Jamil]

And we're back. All right, Jay, what was your big wrong turn?

[J. Jordan]

Okay. Big wrong turn. So as we established I'm a horny little demon when I'm in high school, there was one moment that is actually even more invasive than a grandma walking in.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay, I can't wait.

[J. Jordan]

So I had a girlfriend at the time. This is a different. This was a different year. This must have been my. This must have been my junior year. She was a cheerleader. She was fun. We made out all the time. We were notorious for, like, making out in between periods. And so I would go over to her house a lot.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Are you a hot guy in high school? I mean, you're a hot guy. You're a hot guy, but, I mean, I don't know. You're a fucking Jack.

[J. Jordan]

So I was funny. Yeah, I was funny. I was like, you know when you have, like, abs in high school? Cause you don't have to try. I was funny. I had that going for me. And girls liked me. But what they didn't know is that they just wanted a queer best friend. I feel like I want to hang out with him. I'm like, yeah, you do. And we'd kiss a lot. I love kissing. And so we would, like, make out all the time. Like, you'd see us in between periods. You'd be like, these two. And so I would go over to her house, and I watched the beginning of so many movies. For me, I was like, when did. Okay, I never saw Optimus turn into a robot. I was like, he's a truck.

[Jameela Jamil]

All right, let's get to it.

[J. Jordan]

Like, I saw the beginning of so many movies. I was like, well, you know, E.T.

[Jameela Jamil]

Just lived here forever.

[J. Jordan]

Like, that. That was. That was the thing we would go over. But we weren't allowed to go to her room. We were. This was a different. This was like when I had a car and I could be kind of private. We'd get kind of crazy. Her mom was like, aha. Her mom was like, y' all are not going to the room. You stay in the living room and you watch a movie.

[Jameela Jamil]

She can smell the little slut.

[J. Jordan]

She could smell. Part of me wants to be like, Gay boy, but, you know, whatever. So we would be like making out. And making out would eventually always become dry humping. Now, I love the dry humping because. And tell me if you've ever been here, I follow through. I don't dry hump just for fun. I would dry hump to completion.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah, sure. I would leave that place and you would think my jeans were starched. Like, that level of.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Could break your jeans.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, snap them in the house. Yeah. I'd be like, sorry, Hollister. I don't know. So there was one time when I remember, like, this is insane. I think she had negative two orgasms. I came twice.

[Jameela Jamil]

What does that mean?

[J. Jordan]

I mean, she just got rug burned. So I came twice in my genes. And so then I have to kind of sit there in my own filth and I'm like watching the rest of this movie and this is the moment that was the craziest one time. Afterwards, her mom comes back into the room and she's like, well, Jay, it's kinda late. I think you need to leave. I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna head out. And she, like, she's standing there and I say goodbye to my girlfriend at the time, and she says, jay, you're over here all the time. Come on, just. And I have to hug. I have to hug my girlfriend's mom, who's also pretty hot at the time. My girlfriend's mom in my soiled denim.

[Jameela Jamil]

And also it would be showing on the other side of that.

[J. Jordan]

Well, I mean, the thing is, I don't know if she. She never confronted me about it, but I was like, did she know that I hugged her with come? Like, I like, you didn't.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Did you come a third time?

[J. Jordan]

No, no, I didn't come a third time. But I hugged her mom. It wasn't like a cross to crotch hug, but it was enough of a hug. I was like, this is crazy. But also thunder into a comic pool. And so that was in my. I was in. I was in my car in the driveway and I was like, wow, threesome kind of counts. Kind of count. Kind of counts.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

And so then I drove home and I remember I would be like, oh, this is so crazy because I had underwear on too. So I can't. I can't think that much of it would have seeped through the jeans. But I just remember thinking, wow, that is crazy. And then that's also the girl I lost my virginity to.

[Jameela Jamil]

To. Oh, yeah. Her mom?

[J. Jordan]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes, her mom.

[J. Jordan]

No. But I lost my virginity to that girl later that year. Yeah, it was beautiful. It was a hotel room, I think. I mean, it had to be five minutes maybe, if that long. But, you know, I finally. I finally got to come outside of jeans.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. And she didn't get rugburn.

[J. Jordan]

She didn't. She didn't get anything else, though. She got a corsage.

[Jameela Jamil]

And you'd made it a family affair before then. You know what I mean? You got nice.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

That's really beautiful.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, I think it's a really beautiful story, actually.

[J. Jordan]

I mean, I. I felt a little bit of guilt, but now she has, like. I want to say she has five kids. None of them look like me, but she does have five kids now.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's nice.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah, it's kind of beautiful.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I think that's really a sweet story.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah. You don't think that's embarrassing?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

The idea of being able to ejaculate twice is already just like. Oh, yeah. Remember then?

[Jameela Jamil]

16.

[J. Jordan]

I was a hair trigger. 16.

[Jameela Jamil]

I mean, I did catch that. I was like, all right, all right.

[J. Jordan]

No, it's 16. Because there were moments. This is, like, actually even crazier. I really shouldn't tell it. Okay, I'm gonna tell. So there was one. Truly. There was one party where a girl was like, we're gonna play truth or dare. And one of the dares was like, someone had to jerk off. And everyone was like, no, none of us jerk off. And all the boys were like, we would never jerk off at this party. And I was like, what are the stipulations of this dare? And someone was like, all the girls are willing to show you boobs if you jerk off. And I was like, you guys, I'm jerking off. And so I went into a bathroom at this party. How is this not the story? I went into a party. I went to the bathroom at this party. I jerked off into, like, a tissue at the thought of boobs. Cause they didn't show them to me.

[Jameela Jamil]

I can't believe that. Oh, yeah. Okay, it makes sense. Surely it would help if they showed.

[J. Jordan]

Me the boobs first.

[Jameela Jamil]

You could just not do anything.

[J. Jordan]

Well, mom, pick me up. So they let me go in the bathroom. They're like, do you need anything? I was like, I got it. And so I was like, don't worry.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I can actually do this with literally any thought.

[J. Jordan]

I was like, you can?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I can picture anything, and this will work.

[J. Jordan]

I was like, okay, so. Teen Simba. And so I'm. I'm in the bathroom. I drink off.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, that's right.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I get that. Teen Simba is hot. Teen Simba. And Nala.

[J. Jordan]

Is that when Nala did this? There's a moment in the Lion King where Nala lays on her back and she nods and you go. It's in.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Every single person knows what we're talking about.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah. And she's just. She's the sexiest lie. I don't. Anyway, so I'm in the bathroom, I jerk off. I come back out and they go, jade, you really jerk off. And I like. I triumphantly, I'm like, yes. Boobs, please. And the girls there, to their credit, they are women of their word. They show me their boobs and I wanna say this. Great boobs. Great boobs.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Great boobs. How many women are we talking about?

[J. Jordan]

We're talking three different girls in high school. I saw six titties. I was gonna jerk off already.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So that's the exchange rate.

[J. Jordan]

I'm in the bonus.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jameela Jamil]

And you didn't get made fun of for that or.

[J. Jordan]

No one was like, no, only because they're like, jay's wild. Like, there was no. Because here's the thing.

[Jameela Jamil]

This motherfucker. I swear to God, you just had the coolest life from day one. Why are you even funny? You're handsome and you had a good time.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I agree with that.

[Jameela Jamil]

Get out.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Wait, I want to ask. Can I ask a question? Am I allowed to ask questions?

[Jameela Jamil]

She should ask questions.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I want to go back to the boobs. Jerking off her boobs.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

When you said. When they said someone has to jerk off, did you immediately. You knew that that meant to completion away from them?

[J. Jordan]

Yeah, because I sort of assumed.

[Jameela Jamil]

I thought you'd have to wank in a circle.

[J. Jordan]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

So she'll trade dick for boo.

[J. Jordan]

I think that they. Those girls didn't want to see a penis.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I see.

[J. Jordan]

They kind of. They were like, we do not want to see any of these.

[Jameela Jamil]

They did want to see common tissue.

[J. Jordan]

They wanted to see common tissue.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And I think as proof that it had happened.

[J. Jordan]

And I think they also just knew that no one was gonna do it. I think it was sort of them being like, no one would actually jerk off. And I was like, we'll just so y' all know.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

You shouldn't have invited me if you didn't think I was gonna jerk off.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do you think if they'd asked you to, like, shit on a carpet in front of everyone for some boobs, you would have done it? I'M just trying to gauge your limits.

[J. Jordan]

No, no, no, that's not. I think that cum is generative. I think cum is.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Oh, here we go now. It's philosophy.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's gonna teach us fucking science about.

[J. Jordan]

I think cum is beautiful, right? I'm drinking something right now.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Come on. He really is.

[J. Jordan]

But I think that because teenagers were more kind of like, we're interested in sexy stuff, not like gross out stuff. At that point it was kind of gross, but also still kind of sexy. Cause like we're discussing.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. When someone who looks like you does it.

[J. Jordan]

Well, no, but we're also like doing. We're also doing like.

[Jameela Jamil]

There's a lot of boys who. If they did that, that's okay.

[J. Jordan]

There were.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

That's a horrifying horroring.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm not gonna lie.

[J. Jordan]

There were. There probably are some boys that wouldn't have. I did get away with a lot for being. I was kind of cute and funny and like the cute and funny kid can do that. You know, a couple of kids with, you know, roller backpacks, they probably didn't get the chance.

[Jameela Jamil]

You and I had very different upbringing. I was the school shooter.

[J. Jordan]

No, no.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I was also. I was absolutely a pariah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

Really.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

At that age, no one was going to show me boobs for anything. People would only be friends.

[Jameela Jamil]

Secret on the weekend.

[J. Jordan]

What?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Which is not friendship, it turns out.

[J. Jordan]

Yes. Y. Yeah. That's terrible. You were a secret.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was a secret. I wasn't even a mistress to straight teenage girls. I used to find you fucking thrived. And now you have great skin and a great life.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah. You had. Nothing bad ever happened.

[J. Jordan]

You know what?

[Jameela Jamil]

I really liked you. And now I'm consumed with jealousy and I don't think I want to be here anymore.

[J. Jordan]

No, I have.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

We were getting Jaws theme and I was getting accused of doing heroin and you were double coming with people's moms high fiving you afterwards.

[Jameela Jamil]

All stories today were about sex successfully coming.

[J. Jordan]

Like having a great time. What? Okay. One time recently.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, this is going to be terrible. You know, it's going to be like even better. I broke a nail.

[J. Jordan]

Yeah, no, me. Me and my husband hooked up with this other couple and one of the guys gave me a blow job underwater. See? See?

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay.

[J. Jordan]

See?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Wow. That's.

[Jameela Jamil]

Why doesn't everyone tell everyone where they can find you? We're going to wrap this up, Michael. Where can people find you?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I'm on all the things as at cruise. Kane. That's it.

[Jameela Jamil]

And it's Kane. K A Y N K A, Y.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

N, E. Kind of like Kanye, but less Cruise, too. Yeah. C, R, U, Z. Cruise. Like Penelope, you know, just don't even do it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, it's fine.

[J. Jordan]

Just look up. Cruise, Kanye.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, there you go.

[J. Jordan]

And you can find me on all social mediajurden. J, A, Y, J, U, R, D, E, N. That's Twitter. Because I'm evil. Instagram threads. Blue sky.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[J. Jordan]

Still a thing.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah. People use blue sky. Do you use Blue Sky?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, I don't use Blue Sky.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Are you on it? But you don't use it, huh?

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't know.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay. Yeah. Right on.

[J. Jordan]

So there's. There's a you on there. Just so you know.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[J. Jordan]

Somebody's doing you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Listen, this has been so much fun. I have learned so much about you both, especially the fact that you, Jay, are just God's favorite.

[J. Jordan]

No, no, no.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[J. Jordan]

I'm under six feet.

[Jameela Jamil]

We are revoking, thinking. Oh, no, you're right.

[J. Jordan]

See?

[Jameela Jamil]

So your life is awful.

[J. Jordan]

See? Yeah. I, too, have suffered the fact that.

[Jameela Jamil]

You are under six feet and then continue to go on to thrive like your fucking Lebron is. Enough said. You are God's favorite. You and I are in the trenches together.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

But we have great skin.

[J. Jordan]

Yes.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And that's something.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah. So there you go.

[J. Jordan]

And you both went blind.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you both. We both went blind.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

And we both went blind.

[Jameela Jamil]

High five. Yes.

[J. Jordan]

I have astigmatism. That's a thing. All right.

[Jameela Jamil]

Shut up, Jay. Thank you both so much. Thank you for coming on. Coming being the operative word.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Great.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil, and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to our launch producer, Eve Bishop, our editor, Shannon Joy Rogers, and consulting producer, Colin Anderson. And you can email us a voice memo of your own wrong turns that we will read out on the show. Just email personal disaster storiesmail.com and if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now. Bye.

[Howie Mandel]

I can't tell you how often I hear, oh, I'm a little ocd. I like things neat. That's not ocd. I'm Howie Mandel and I know this because I have ocd. I actual OCD causes relentless unwanted thoughts. What if I did something terrible and forgot? What if I'm a bad person? Why am I thinking this terrible thing? It makes you question absolutely everything and you'll do anything to feel better. OCD is debilitating. But it's also highly treatable with the right kind of therapy. Regular talk therapy doesn't cut it. OCD needs specialized therapy. That's why I want to tell you about NO cd. NOCD is the world's largest virtual therapy provider for ocd. Their licensed therapists provides specialized therapy virtually, and it's covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans. If you think you might be struggling with OCD, visit nocd.com to schedule a free 15 minute call and learn more. That's nocd.com USAA knows dynamic duos can.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

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[Dr. Patrick McGrath]

Or auto and home insurance.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

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[Richard Karn]

Get a'@usaa.com bundle restrictions apply.