Johnny Pemberton and Justine Marino

Summary

Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil

Episode: Johnny Pemberton and Justine Marino
Date: September 18, 2025
Host: Jameela Jamil
Guests: Johnny Pemberton, Justine Marino

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Episode Overview

In this riotously honest and absurd episode of Wrong Turns, Jameela Jamil invites comedians Johnny Pemberton (21 Jump Street, Fallout, Mermaid) and Justine Marino (host of Comedy Crush at Hollywood Improv) to recount their most mortifying and embarrassing moments. The show delivers on its “where dignity goes to die” promise, as the trio gleefully trade stories of bodily functions gone wrong, social slip-ups, and settle in for a surprisingly detailed exploration of why some things are simply, and hilariously, too wrong for a silver lining.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Curse” of Hosting Wrong Turns

[02:08]

• Jameela recounts that as soon as she started the podcast, her luck changed for the worse, escalating into a series of humiliating disasters.
  • Memorable story: Getting “balls deep” tattooed (in red ink) on her neck before being interviewed by Martha Stewart, followed by desperate attempts to remove it with hotel minibar vodka, leading to a strangled-neck look instead.
  • “Which was infinitely better than having balls deep written across your throat before you are interviewed by a national treasure.” – Jameela Jamil [02:29]
• This was followed by health problems, travel chaos, and particularly catastrophic gas on a business class flight where, every time she farted, a flight attendant would immediately appear.

2. Farts, Friendship, and Relationship Break-ups

[03:44] – [08:31]

• Jameela tells a story about giving brutally honest feedback on a friend's ex, only to discover, moments later, they were getting back together.
  • “If I just waited five more minutes not to jump in with my fucking big opinions, now I've offended him. They're staying together. I'm obviously out.” – Jameela Jamil [07:16]
• Johnny’s “Switzerland” approach: never take sides until a breakup “sticks.”
  • “Anytime someone's complaining about someone, that means they're gonna get back together.” – Johnny Pemberton [08:00]

3. Micro-Humiliations: Universal Studios Fart Trauma & Hitting on a Girl with One Arm

• Justine’s Tour Guide Trauma [09:10]:
  • While sleeping with a fellow tour guide, Justine farts herself awake, only to discover (the next morning) he had slept on the couch and then ditched her for another. “He went to the couch cause he couldn't handle a fart. And then he stopped talking to me and started seeing another girl at the tour. How fucking over a fart, you guys.” – Justine Marino [11:03]
• Johnny’s Unintentional Insult [13:00]:
  • At a party, Johnny thinks he’s being flirty by jokingly suggesting someone looks like they’re missing an arm … only to realize, as it comes out of his mouth, she actually is. Mortified, he leaves after “the worst look ever.”
  • “The second the word ‘arm’ left my mouth, I was like, oh, shit.” – Johnny Pemberton [14:07]
  • Jameela shares her own solidarity story: offering to shake hands with a man missing both arms on the BBC.

4. Big Wrong Turn Stories: Masturbators, Colostomy Bags, and Theme Parks

A. Justine’s “King Kong 363D” Debacle at Universal Studios
[18:33]

• Distracted and texting during a tour, Justine is alerted by passengers: “he’s masturbating.” She at first assumes it’s a prank, but, after confirming, dutifully reports it. The perpetrator is banned … but tapes reveal she was texting the entire tour, missing the opportunity to act sooner.
• “The man started masturbating around King Kong 363D.”
  • “Which technically was not untrue. But I left out the part that I had been texting the entire time.” – Justine Marino [25:28]
• Universal’s lack of a “code 69” for such emergencies becomes a running bit.

B. Johnny’s Fish Concert Colostomy Bag Nightmare
[28:31]

• Johnny recounts life after bowel surgery, living with a colostomy bag. During a Phish concert bathroom break, his bag fumbles and practically explodes on the stall floor (but crucially, not on himself). He describes the smell in the most grim, hilarious fashion:
  • “It smells the worst. It's like a ghost of a rapist just walked through your body. It's this fucking hideous smell.” – Johnny Pemberton [35:05]
• The relief at escaping unscathed is palpable:
  • “That's my good luck for the next 20 years.” – Johnny Pemberton [36:57]

5. Audience “Misery Loves Company” Story: The Hungry Sheet

[37:57]

• A listener recounts the story of a bed sheet getting lodged in their butt during sex. Mortified, she waits for her partner to leave before removing and laundering the soiled sheet; only to have the partner return. Eight years (!) later, they reconnect and the embarrassing secret is finally confessed—only for the now-trans partner to admit she had seen the whole thing as it happened and just didn’t know what to do.
  • “I saw it go up your butt. But I didn't know what to do.” [38:28]
• The hosts ponder the mind of sentient sheets and debate the merits of white vs. patterned bedlinen.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Farting in Relationships:
  • “I have a severe bowel disease. So when I fart, it's like a victory for me.” – Johnny Pemberton [11:40]
  • “We farted them. We had someone translate.” – Justine Marino on wedding vows [12:53]
• On Men Masturbating on Public Transport:
  • “They trained us for every other emergency—peeing off the tram, vomiting, earthquake—but there was no like, 'code 69' for masturbating.” – Justine Marino [26:28]
• On Colostomy Bags:
  • “It's your new asshole. It's essentially... in a chic bag.” – Jameela Jamil [29:16]
  • “We've had pneumatic mail tubes for 150 years, but this thing is still a plastic bag.” – Johnny Pemberton [33:23]
• On Universal Studios mishaps:
  • “That tram ruined, like, maybe 100 great takes.” – Jameela Jamil [19:36]
  • “I got in trouble and the man got off like, scot free. Yeah, he did. Yeah, he did.” – Justine Marino & Jameela Jamil [24:19]
• On the Hungry Sheet Incident:
  • “The only way the sheet has gone in and gotten stuck up his ass, I think, is if he's just had a quick little itch.” – Jameela Jamil [39:38]

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Notable Segments & Timestamps

• Opening Banter & “Wrong Turns” Curse: [01:30 – 03:40]
• Business Class Fart Disaster: [03:40 – 05:30]
• Relationship Breakup Commentary: [06:00 – 08:30]
• Micro Humiliations: Fart Story & One-Armed Girl: [09:10 – 16:30]
• Main Wrong Turns – Justine’s Tour Guide Masturbator: [18:30 – 26:20]
• Main Wrong Turns – Johnny’s Phish Concert Colostomy Catastrophe: [28:30 – 36:57]
• Misery Loves Company (Audience Story): [37:57 – 40:25]
• Outro & Plugging Projects: [40:44 – 42:16]

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Closing & Plugs

• Justine Marino: Find her at @justinemachine1 and see her live at Comedy Crush (monthly at the Hollywood Improv), with free weed giveaways.
• Johnny Pemberton: “Google my name, you’ll figure it out.” Also see him in the upcoming movie Mermaid.

Jameela closes with characteristic irreverence:
“I wish you both the worst of luck so that you have to come back and tell me more stories. You’ve been a joy. Thank you.” – Jameela Jamil [42:13]

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Episode Tone:
Outrageous, unfiltered, deeply honest, and anchored by the camaraderie of seasoned comedians gleefully swapping tales of abject humiliation. There is no lesson, only laughs—and catharsis through collective "wrong turns."

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Transcript

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[Justine Marino]

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[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you for listening to Wrong Turns. Follow the show on Amazon Music for more future episodes or just ask Alexa. Play the podcast Wrong Turns on Amazon Music. Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is the show where dignity goes to die. I'm very excited to have funny people come on this show every week and tell me their greatest indignities without fool forcing me to feel good about them. Today I have joining me an actor and comedian from 21 Jump street and Fallout. He stars in the new comedic thriller Mermaid. It's Johnny fucking Pemberton.

[Justine Marino]

Hello.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hello.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yes, that's me. I'll clap.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, everyone's clapping. Beefs up the applause. It really helps. And also we have one of the busiest comedians in la. She hosts Comedy Crush, a monthly show at the Hollywood Improv. It's Justine Marino.

[Justine Marino]

Hello. Thank you.

[Jameela Jamil]

How are you both feeling? Great, great.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Feeling good?

[Jameela Jamil]

Life going well at the moment?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. We're all here. Right? That's good.

[Justine Marino]

It doesn't get better.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're having like a string of good luck at the moment.

[Justine Marino]

I think I am. I'm in a garage.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's not what you're here for. It's not why I invited you.

[Justine Marino]

But I had made a lot of wrong turns to get here, so I feel like. Does that qualify? Look at that.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'll allow you to stay in in that case. What about you? Having a string of good luck, are we? You're looking very cheruby, rosy cheeked. Very well.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, I think it's because I'm exhausted from waking up too early. I don't really believe in luck, honestly.

[Justine Marino]

Really?

[Johnny Pemberton]

So, yeah, I don't think so. I think we all get what we deserve.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're a karma man. I was kind of having okay luck and then I started releasing this podcast and literally the minute our team uploaded it into the system, into the ether, my luck turned and has been abject chaos and disaster ever since. At the exact moment they were uploading it into the system, I was on a comedian friend's podcast. And he was like, wouldn't it be hilarious if I tattoo the words balls deep in massive red writing across your throat? And I had to be interviewed by Martha Stewart on stage the following morning. And I was like, yeah, that would be hilarious. And he was like, don't worry, it will come off really easily. That, it turns out, was not a truth. And it somehow blended into my skin, I think. Cause I left it on too long. And then no alcohol wipes. I, at one point, opened the mini bar of my hotel and started just pouring vodka on myself, which I don't think is a thing. And nothing would get it out. So I finally had to gouge it out of my skin and remove layers of epidermis 10 minutes before I met her. So it looked like I'd just been strangled. Which was infinitely better than having balls deep written across your throat before you are interviewed by a national treasure. Yeah, so that was the. That was the first step. And then that has just led to health problems, travel chaos. Yesterday I was on the plane here, and I'd eaten something bad in the airport. And so I had very terrible gas, and I was doing terrible, like, evil farts. Oh, wow. But on the plane, not in the airport, where I can move away from them on the plane. Now, that's kind of okay, because, not to brag, but I was in business class. So you're like, all right, I'm farting into a pod.

[Justine Marino]

Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

The main benefit of business class.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Did you stay seated when you're. Did you get up or did you sit down?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no, no, no. I stayed seated.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I started the ground.

[Jameela Jamil]

So you're Carlene.

[Justine Marino]

Oh, okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know, you just. You. You move onto one hip, and then you open up your asshole and you lift a cheek. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Justine Marino]

Just one cheek.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I'm a lady.

[Justine Marino]

Yes, I know.

[Jameela Jamil]

I mean, yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You have to drive it into the cushion to filter. Use the cushion as a filter.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think that's gonna be. No, but I think that's gonna be noisy. I think then you get, like. You're more. That's how you create a trumpet.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You're fine. You can make noise in there.

[Jameela Jamil]

That could be easier. No, I don't think that's how it works. But either way, like, farting into a pod is the main reason to spend the money on business class. But for some reason now, it was an eleven and a half hour flight, right. There's no reason for. The air stewards were largely ignoring me on the whole flight. They would only come up to me like a homing Pigeon. Every time. I just farted every single time. And I'd be just. And I desperately need a drink, but not fucking now. So I'd just be like, no, thank you. No, thank you. Go away. Parched. Still have a headache now because didn't have a single drink. Because every time, the only time I would be shown attention, this was 12 hours ago. Wow. I've just landed.

[Justine Marino]

I thought I smelled something.

[Jameela Jamil]

Why don't you just go fuck yourself? All right, Christine, what did you eat?

[Justine Marino]

What did you eat? What did you eat? I'm dying to know.

[Jameela Jamil]

I had beef tacos in the lounge.

[Justine Marino]

Lounge tacos.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I think this is your fault because you shouldn't have those in the lounge.

[Jameela Jamil]

Why? I don't think I was playing Russian roulette with my bum hole by eating Mexican food before being locked in a tube with strangers. That's fair. No, that is fair, because when you.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Go up, any amount of gas you've created on the ground expands. You seem like when you have a bottle that's capped, when you go up, it gets, like, really swells up.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's what happened to my stomach.

[Johnny Pemberton]

That's not my joke. It's really what actually happens.

[Jameela Jamil]

True.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You need a small amount of gas on the ground, it quadruples in the air.

[Jameela Jamil]

I left that plane flat stomach because I'd let it all out anyway, so that's what happened. And then I fucking land, like, having been stressed out from this, like, long farting flight. And my friend calls me and he's been trying to get hold of me for fucking days, right? And he's having huge girlfriend problems. He's madly in love with this woman. But things have been a bit rocky. Even at the very beginning, they're having kind of teething issues and it's escalated to the point where they've broken up. So he's texted me that the day before, being like, I need to talk to teething issues. As in, like, when a baby's teething, they're, like, you know, grumpy and going wrong. It's a way of saying that, like, as their. Yes, yes. Unfortunately, their teeth keep falling out when they go down on each other. No, not that you should ever use teeth in that situation. Yeah. So I just. Things aren't quite meshing. And he calls, he texts me saying they've broken up. Will you help me with my broken heart? So I think I'm safe. I know they've broken out. I have some opinions on this woman. So when he calls me the next day, yeah. He tells me what's been going on. I interrupt him before he gets to the full end of this long three month saga that he's explaining to me. And I jump in with all my opinions. I was like, I don't think she's very funny. I don't think that she has good conflict resolution. I think she's a controlling person and a bit of a narcissist. I say all of that and then he goes, oh, right, that's interesting. Just because then last night she came over and she gave like a really full apology and really acknowledged me and really made me feel better about everything. And we had a really beautiful night and I think getting back together and.

[Justine Marino]

I was like, why didn't I just wait till the end of the story?

[Jameela Jamil]

Like, I'm already. I get in so much trouble for giving my honest opinion of who someone's about to marry or date. Because I think it's so bad to repress that. Because I hate it when I break up with someone and my friends go, yeah, we never liked him. That drives me fucking crazy. So I try to do the opposite of that. But if I just waited truly five more minutes not to jump in with my fucking big opinions, now I've offended him. They're staying together. I'm obviously out. Obviously I'm not invited to anything ever.

[Johnny Pemberton]

But they can bond over their mutual hatred of you.

[Justine Marino]

So you're gonna bring strength in the relationship.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I mean, take one for the team, right?

[Justine Marino]

You really do have to make sure a breakup sticks before you insert. Like I wait a week at least before I insert my opinion. Because sometimes it'll be like a couple days and you're like, they're gonna get back together.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You know, say anything. Because I know anytime someone's complaining about someone, that means they're gonna get back together. You don't complain.

[Jameela Jamil]

They're fair enough to complain.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, they're gonna have to complain. So I never say anything. I'm always like, well, I don't know, you know, she, you know, there's this, there's this, there's all these good things. So then you let them go. No, but, no, she did this. Like, yeah, but that made sense. Cause, you know, you did park there, so, you know, it is a towing zone.

[Jameela Jamil]

You shame them.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Not shame, but just like devil's advocate for the person that they're talking about.

[Jameela Jamil]

I feel like I'm not gonna talk to you about relationship problems.

[Justine Marino]

I don't expect that.

[Johnny Pemberton]

That's my goal was I wanna have knowledge of anyone's relationship problems. I don't want to know anything at all. I want to be, like, in the dark about Switzerland.

[Jameela Jamil]

You just want to be Switzerland?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Absolutely.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. 100.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's a great place.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Justine Marino]

Beautiful.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Small, but beautiful.

[Jameela Jamil]

So, okay. So anyway, I'm sorry I've. I've dumped on both of you all of my wrong turns in the last 24 hours. You've told me that you're both feeling well and feeling as though things are going well currently. But as you were mentioning, Justine, there have been many wrong turns that have led you to the point of being on this esteemed podcast. Give me an example of some micro humiliations you face.

[Justine Marino]

Oh, there's so many to choose from. But going off your fart story.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sure.

[Justine Marino]

I used to be a tour guide at Universal Studios. Yes.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, my God, So cool.

[Justine Marino]

Yes. In my 20s, I was a tour guide at Universal Studios, and I was seeing this guy who was also a tour guide. And we were hanging out one night and we ordered Chinese food and we, you know, whatever, watch a movie, hook up, fall asleep in the middle of the night. I'm woken up by my own fart. I fart so loud. I wake myself up and I'm like. And I immediately look over. I'm like, I hope he didn't hear. Like. I'm just praying he didn't hear. Cause it's still new. Like, we're not together.

[Jameela Jamil]

Can you sort of give me a.

[Justine Marino]

Is it A or is it a? No, no, no. It's like a, like. It's like a, like, ripple. It's like it sounded.

[Johnny Pemberton]

One more time. Was it so sort of like, like a two note?

[Justine Marino]

It was two notes and it sounded.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, it had some vibrato in it as well.

[Justine Marino]

Vibrato is the main thing to focus on. Is this vibrated from high to low.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Or low to high?

[Justine Marino]

I'd say high to low.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Okay, that's big.

[Justine Marino]

Yeah. No, it was big.

[Jameela Jamil]

High to low is crazy. Cause that normally is opening up as opposed to shrinking, but you nearly shit yourself.

[Justine Marino]

No, probably. I for sure. Probably almost shit myself. I turn over, he hasn't moved. Somehow. I just, like. I think I've woken up the neighborhood. Yeah, he's still there. And I'm like, oh, thank God. Okay, maybe he just. I like, toss and turn all night, anxious about whether or not he's sorry.

[Jameela Jamil]

I just had an image of this ending up on the earthquake app, you know, just like 3.8.

[Justine Marino]

He's on Twitter. He's like, did you just hear that one?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, my God.

[Justine Marino]

So I think I'm in the clear. I finally fall back asleep. I wake up the next day, turn over, he's not there. He's gone to sleep on the couch, you guys. He went to the couch cause he couldn't handle a fart. And then he stopped talking to me and started seeing another girl at the tour. How fucking over a fart, you guys.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, what a loser, right? What a fucking loser.

[Justine Marino]

I know. So fuck you, sir. Yes. What's his name? Let's dox him right now.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I'm all about names, but he would.

[Jameela Jamil]

Have probably told the new girl, like why he broke up with you. And now she's been too afraid to fart this whole time.

[Justine Marino]

She's probably never farted since.

[Jameela Jamil]

No.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Terrible disease now because of it, 100%.

[Justine Marino]

Are you guys like fart in relationship people?

[Jameela Jamil]

No. What about you?

[Johnny Pemberton]

I mean, I have a special circumstance, but basically no.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sorry. What is your special circumstance?

[Johnny Pemberton]

I have a severe bowel disease. So when I fart, it's like a victory for me.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's like a big deal.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay. Do you fart at a candle just to sort of make a ceremony out of it? Make a wish?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Once a month on a full moon. And that's if everything's clicking?

[Justine Marino]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Otherwise I just go to the bathroom.

[Jameela Jamil]

But.

[Justine Marino]

Does she fart in front of you?

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, we're together. Are you kidding me?

[Justine Marino]

Well, my boyfriend. I feel like my incident with the other guy, the tour guide guy, gave me clarity that. Cause then it happened with my current boyfriend. I farted in the middle of the night and I was like, he's gonna leave. All this trauma came racing. It was so triggering.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And he loved it.

[Justine Marino]

He loved it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

He was like, do it again.

[Jameela Jamil]

He put his face between your teeth and then took a deep bread.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Right. I guess it's like if you do it and he likes it, you gotta keep doing it.

[Justine Marino]

Well, it wasn't that he liked it. I'll say.

[Jameela Jamil]

He keeps it in Jaws.

[Justine Marino]

He does. He keeps it in Jaws. It's our business. It's our side hustle now.

[Jameela Jamil]

He loves me.

[Justine Marino]

Only fart. Only fart. But he stayed. And that's how I knew he was the one. So it's not like we're like, what.

[Jameela Jamil]

A lovely wedding vow.

[Justine Marino]

Right? It's when I farted in my sleep, I farted.

[Jameela Jamil]

Your vows.

[Justine Marino]

I knew.

[Jameela Jamil]

We did.

[Justine Marino]

We farted them. We had someone translate.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Outdoor wedding.

[Jameela Jamil]

What about you, Johnny? Any micro humiliations?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, I got one. It's older. This is pretty old, but it's something where I'll never forget.

[Jameela Jamil]

It.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Because it was so incredibly humiliating. I was in Minneapolis. I'm from Minnesota. I was in Minneapolis. And we were like. This was like, probably like, that's a long time ago. We were bar hopping. After the bar closed, we went back to some stranger's house. Like, I don't know who these people are. It's like maybe four or five of us total. Maybe 10 people total. A couple of my friends. And we're all, like, super, super, super drunk. And we're, like, dancing to music. And this bit established where we're, like, each falling over the back of this couch, and this one girl does it. I thought she was kind of cute. She's like a girl with red hair. And she falls over the couch, and when she gets back up, her shirt's kind of shifted. It's like a. She's got, like, an overshirt on, right? So it's kind of shifted a bunch. And it looks like. Right when she gets up, it looks like she's missing an arm, right? Because the sleeve is all out of shape. And I sort of cordially say to her, like, I'm hitting on her. Like, ooh, looks like somebody's missing an arm. And right as I said that, I realized that she was, in fact, missing an arm.

[Justine Marino]

Oh, my God.

[Johnny Pemberton]

But it, like, happened. The second the word arm left my mouth, I was like, oh, shit. And she looks at me just like, the worst look ever. Like, what the fuck? And I just. I was like, I just got out of there. I left. I did piss in the front yard on the way out.

[Justine Marino]

Great.

[Jameela Jamil]

For good measure.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Had to go. But I'll just. I mean, this was forever ago. I don't remember any details about that night, but that one specific look she gave me, I was just like, you know, just shattered me. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I just feel the need to jump in in solidarity with you. It's not quite the same, but I was interviewed on the BBC by a man who had no arms. And it was very clear he had no arms. And then at the end of the interview, out of pure. Just muscle memory, I went. Shook his hand, and there's nothing he can do. Yeah. And now he's just staring at me, and I'm staring at him, and I'm like, do I kiss him now? Like, what do I. How do I erase this moment? But instead just exited the room as fast as human. It just ran out of the room, pretending that. Just still staring at my hand.

[Johnny Pemberton]

That's on him, though.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, really.

[Johnny Pemberton]

He should immediately be like, it's okay. I Get it?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's put it on them. Cause they haven't suffered enough. No, that's good. That feels good. I think it's tougher, maybe. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Justine Marino]

Just shut the fuck up.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Maybe he loves it. Maybe it's great, you know, Maybe there's all kinds of maybes in there.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is a huge micro humiliation. And especially because she was clearly hurt and upset by the comment.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I think she was more stunned that. I can't believe you actually said that.

[Justine Marino]

How old were you?

[Johnny Pemberton]

I was just. I was probably like, I don't know, in my early 20s maybe.

[Jameela Jamil]

Because also she can't tell the context of why you've said it. So she thinks that's just how you're remarking on her armlessness. You know, it's just like it looks like someone lost all their hair, you know?

[Johnny Pemberton]

But I said it kind of swarthy, like, looks like someone's missing an arm.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's such a funny.

[Justine Marino]

Like you just point out people's flaws like that's your like, technique, hitting them. I'm gonna do this from now on.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's it.

[Justine Marino]

Yeah, yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No one's probably ever said that to her in that way. Especially not trying to, like, in the form of like, hitting on someone, you know. That's not how you do it, I think.

[Jameela Jamil]

No. Okay, well, word for the wise, P.S. that's not how you do it. All right, everyone.

[Justine Marino]

I wonder if she thought you were like crazy negging her. You know what I mean?

[Johnny Pemberton]

You know what? That would make sense, actually, because I'm sure people do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I didn't stick around to find out, so I really don't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

Maybe it would've just pissed on her property in there. Yeah, he was pretty great. Pretty great guy, actually.

[Johnny Pemberton]

There's no way to know whose property this was. This could have been anyone's property.

[Jameela Jamil]

And on that note, we're going to a break.

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[Justine Marino]

Yep.

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[Johnny Pemberton]

Did I talk too much? Can't I just let it go?

[Jameela Jamil]

Take A breath.

[Justine Marino]

You're not alone.

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[Jameela Jamil]

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[Justine Marino]

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[Johnny Pemberton]

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[Justine Marino]

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[Johnny Pemberton]

Sounds like the perfect time for some.

[Justine Marino]

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[Jameela Jamil]

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[Johnny Pemberton]

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[Jameela Jamil]

CTNC's 21+ sponsored by Chumba Casino. And we are back. All right, so Justine, tell me, what is your big wrong turn?

[Justine Marino]

So my big wrong turn, it happened in a vehicle, so it's perfect. And it's a continuation on being a tour guide at Universal Studios.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is cool back city right now.

[Justine Marino]

It is. I. I am one of the busiest comedians working in la, as you said at beginning. So try and keep up with these callbacks. So basically, I was a tour guide. I was reaching the end of my time there, so I was pretty checked out. Okay. I could do the tour in my sleep. I often would text on the tour. I would, you know, you say some shit, you play a clip, and then I'd be texting. Right. Which you're not supposed to do. You're not supposed to chew gum or text. I would always do both. So I'm on the tour one day and I'm texting away and we go through the whole tour, blah, blah, blah. I'm just, you know, kind of on autopilot. And as we're playing. Have you guys been on the studio tour before? Yes.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I mean, I haven't. I've seen it a bunch.

[Justine Marino]

It's. It's very fun. But it's on. It's a tram.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. And it's. To drive by the superstore set all the time.

[Justine Marino]

Exactly.

[Jameela Jamil]

They were like, I would always like, that tram ruined. Like maybe 100 great takes.

[Justine Marino]

Yep.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. It was insane. It was insane. Like, the amount of magic that's been lost because of that tour is incredible.

[Justine Marino]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. We fuck up shit all the time.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Justine Marino]

And so we go through the whole tour. We get to the end and at the end they play this song, tramtastic Day, which Jimmy Fallon sings with a guitar. And it's like, have a tram tastic day. It's, like, so corny and campy. It's very. It's very funny for what happened next.

[Jameela Jamil]

But also, can you imagine working for years on this tour bus and then hearing that song? Like, that's. Yeah. As you enter. As you enter hell, that's the song you would be playing in her purgatory.

[Justine Marino]

Four times a day for many years.

[Jameela Jamil]

Did you ever, like, just find yourself randomly singing it in the kitchen all the time?

[Justine Marino]

Yes, all the time. And I was. I still have a tramtastic day because I was there. It was so long ago. I was there from the transition from when Whoopi Goldberg was the face of the tour to Jimmy Fallon. So I'm really. Tramtastic was like, my era of the tour.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's so cool.

[Justine Marino]

Thank you so much. I came to brag again. One of the busiest working comedians in la, you guys. So we're pulling in, and this is the grand finale of the tour. And I look up and there are these women. There are four cars on the tram, but I'm only physically in the car with the people in the first car. So I look up and I see these women in the back row of the front car. And they're clearly trying to get my attention. And I kind of pull the mic aside and I'm like, hey, what's up? And they mouth, he's masturbating.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, my God.

[Justine Marino]

And they nod to the left. And in my mind I'm like. Because I'm a comedian. So I'm like, no, that's not. You're just fucked up. And that's what you want it to be. Because it would be a great story. There's no one masturbating on the trim. So I kind of look. Guess like, keep go. Exactly, exactly. So then I look, I look again, and I'm like, what? And they mouth again, he's masturbating. And they nod harder to the left. And I look and I see a man. I can't see anything.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, is he next to them or is he in the tram behind them?

[Justine Marino]

No, he's next to them.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Justine Marino]

He's in the row with them.

[Johnny Pemberton]

This is the first car.

[Justine Marino]

The first car. And there are. I don't know how many rows, but they're in the back row.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right, right, right.

[Justine Marino]

I can't see anything. Cause there are seats in front of him. But he does look, like, from, like, torso up. Someone who might show me what you can see, like, from this up. Yeah. Does he have Sunglasses on, no sunglasses.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What are his eyes doing?

[Justine Marino]

I think they were closed. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

The I used of the tool.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I know. Well, maybe he got triggered and had to recapture that thing he saw, you know?

[Justine Marino]

Well, I can't wait to tell you where he started. So then I call it in. I tell the driver, I text the dispatcher, and I text a couple friends. The dispatcher's like, tell your driver. Immediately. My friends are like, take a picture. That's hilarious. And so I tell the driver. He looks shocked, but he calls it in. I hear dispatch starts, like, laughing, like they think I'm fucking with them because they know I'm a comedian. And the driver's like, no, we're serious. And they're like, oh, shit. So we pull in. I don't stop the tour because we're almost done. So I finish, and so is he. Yeah, exactly. And, like, I'm a nice person. You know what I mean? So I'm not gonna interrupt the tour or him. So we pull in the manager. Like, there's a squad waiting. The manager pulls him off the tram. He's an annual pass holder. They rip his annual pass off of his neck and they ban him from the tour. The women end up leaving. They just wanna get out of there. They're like, we don't wanna wait for the police to file charges. Like, we just wanna leave. So it all ends. Whatever. I come in, everyone's like, are you okay? I'm like, that is definitely gonna be in my standup one day. Yeah. A couple days go by, I get a call from my manager, and he's like, hey, Justine. He loved me, but he was like, hey, Justine, no big deal. But I heard you on the tour, and I was like, I had to text for help. And he's like, oh, okay. I knew you would never just text on the tour. Two more days go by. He calls me into his office. He goes, so security actually looked at the tape and you started texting the moment you pulled out of the load line and continued throughout the whole tour. And the man started masturbating around King Kong 363d.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, now I'm back on his side. It's amazing.

[Justine Marino]

It's incredible.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a really challenging wank, and I think that that's really impressive.

[Justine Marino]

There's so much movement. It's dark. So he's got that going for him. There are water effects. So it's been a podcast, but he was like. And if you had not been texting, you may have been able to do something earlier. So I got in trouble and the man got off like, scot free.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, he did.

[Justine Marino]

Yeah, he did.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, he did. Oh, my God, that's so unfair.

[Justine Marino]

Isn't that unfair? And the fucking security guy tattling on me. What a narc.

[Jameela Jamil]

I know. What a knock.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I'd go key his car or something.

[Justine Marino]

Yeah, that's a good idea.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Did you see the guys?

[Jameela Jamil]

Let's go back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Justine Marino]

I didn't see any dick because the seats came up to, like, probably right around chest pec level.

[Jameela Jamil]

So I didn't see any where Johnny's goes up to. So he presumed you'd see at least just the head.

[Justine Marino]

Not the head. So he must have been not well endowed.

[Jameela Jamil]

Unfortunately.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Brought him off. Was he like. Did he have his pants off or something or what?

[Justine Marino]

No, his pants were up and I think he had, like, tucked in to get off the tram. I also heard he was a repeat offender. I'm like, did he do this at, like, Disneyland? Is he like a theme park kink guy? I mean, I'm not gonna kink shame, but you can kink shaming.

[Jameela Jamil]

Did we shame this man?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, I'm bringing kink shaming back.

[Justine Marino]

Bring it back.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I think it's like, if it's shame worthy, you can do it. It's okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

What if it's at King Kong, though?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, it's King Kong.

[Justine Marino]

King Kong. King Kong, 363D.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Oh, well, correct.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm fucking obsessed.

[Justine Marino]

Anyway, I was mortified to have, like, been caught texting and then to say, oh, I was texting for help. Which technically was not untrue. But I left out the part that I had been texting the entire time.

[Jameela Jamil]

The reason it took so long for you to find out he was wanking in the first place is cause you were getting on with your merry little day.

[Justine Marino]

Yes. The man was masturbating for probably 30 minutes. What a champ.

[Jameela Jamil]

Can I just.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Can we just round of applause for.

[Jameela Jamil]

A really long time to go for.

[Justine Marino]

Jerry the King Kong. Jerry King Kong Jer. That's what we call him.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Repeat offender. I mean, I guess if you do that, you're always doing that. That's your life.

[Justine Marino]

I just want to know repeat.

[Jameela Jamil]

He's an annual passholder. Like, that's how he's spending all of his time.

[Justine Marino]

But is it always the tour? Is he at Simpsons doing it? You know what I mean? Is he on Jurassic Park? That's a short ride. He'd have to hurry the fuck up. That's like a three minute ride.

[Jameela Jamil]

I really think it's just big gorilla.

[Justine Marino]

I think so too.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I think that's what it is here. It's kind of overwhelming.

[Justine Marino]

It's not a thing where, yeah, no one's open. There's no going back.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's a box of very hard worms.

[Justine Marino]

But here's the thing. Here's the thing though is they trained us for every other emergency, like peeing off the tram, vomiting if a fire breaks out, if there's an actual earthquake. We had, but there was no, like code 69 for masturbating.

[Jameela Jamil]

Easy, given the regularity of men masturbating on transport. Yes, thank you for that. That was excellent. We'll be right back after the break.

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[Justine Marino]

Yep.

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[Johnny Pemberton]

Did I talk too much? Can't I just let it go? Thank you so much.

[Jameela Jamil]

Take a breath.

[Justine Marino]

You're not alone.

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[Jameela Jamil]

Get matched with a therapist online based on your unique needs and get help.

[Verizon Advertiser]

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[Justine Marino]

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[Johnny Pemberton]

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[Jameela Jamil]

To upgrade your selling today. And we are back. All right, Jonny, it's time for your wrong turn story.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So about 20 years ago I had bowel surgery. I had my large intestine removed because I had something called ulcerative colitis for a long time. So the thing is you have if you have ulcerative colitis for a long time, you have your colon removed because if they can't treat it with medicine, you get it taken out. And so I have this taken out and it's a two part surgery. So between the first surgery and the second surgery is about three months in which you have a colostomy bag. If you don't know what a colostomy bag is, that's great. You know, that's like well done on your lunch. If you don't know, someone will tell us at shows and like you can get up and leave now and just keep, keep walking into traffic. Do whatever you do. You don't know what that is. But. So I had a colostomy bag for about three months.

[Jameela Jamil]

And do you want to explain to the audience what it is?

[Johnny Pemberton]

So it's basically like your new asshole. It's essentially so the body, but in a chic bag. Yeah, well, chic is a. Interesting way to put it.

[Justine Marino]

I think it's chic.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's a plastic bag that's mounted to the front of your stomach where the stoma is your new asshole. And it comes in opaque or clear. If you're like a masochist or something like that.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've always felt like it was a mistake to not get like Louis Vuitton and Hermes and Miu Miu to start making like high fashion colostomy bags.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Think about Louis Vuitton. Like, do you want to be like.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, the bag's already brown.

[Justine Marino]

There you go.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sorry.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Anyway, then too, it's not just lovely. Yeah, I didn't think about that. But I think it's. Maybe you don't want to have any attention drawn to that thing at all. Some people maybe do.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think it's as we've said. So. Okay, so you have a colostomy bag.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Like three months between these surgeries and you know, I'm feeling a lot better. Cause I had. The colon's gone. Cause it was diseased colon. And the surgery department, they want you to like kind of be active as you're healing. Cause it helps your body and stuff. They want you to like go out and, you know, maybe play tennis or just do something. I didn't really do any sports at that time, but I did listen to the band Fish.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's a sport.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, it's kind of a sport.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a sport.

[Justine Marino]

Those fans, they've been through it, they've trained.

[Johnny Pemberton]

If you don't know who the band Fish is again, doing everything right.

[Jameela Jamil]

After seeing the breakdancing championship at the Olympics, I just feel like this could easily become an Olympic sport. Listening to the band Fish.

[Justine Marino]

Yes. For sure.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I Think for a lot of people it is bigger than the Olympics 100%.

[Justine Marino]

I'm from Colorado and can attest some people do think it's bigger than the Olympics.

[Johnny Pemberton]

65 days a year. Olympics, personal Olympics of smoking weed and taking mushrooms and listening to fish. So I decided to go see Fish with three of my good friends up in Minneapolis. I was in Rochester at the time. About 90 minute drive from Rochester. We go see Fish. I've seen him before. I go up to the concert and we're watching the show and everything. It's about half, like two hours into the show, about halfway through. So I gotta get up and I got to empty this colostomy bag I have on me. So I get up and go to the bathroom. It's like a big arena, right? Massive, huge bathroom stalls. It's like 15 different bathroom stalls. I go about 2/3 of the way down. That's like the best intersection between cleanliness and isolation. Because the first stall is always, always like, you know, people vomiting and stuff like that. Spraying everywhere. And the last doll is sex and heroin and stuff like that.

[Justine Marino]

So everyone knows. Everyone knows that, yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Because that's where you pick if you want to go die with heroin. You pick the last doll. So I go two or three times a week.

[Justine Marino]

I guess. I don't do enough heroin. I don't go to enough Fish concerts is what I'm learning.

[Jameela Jamil]

Someone's a bit of a nerd, I guess.

[Johnny Pemberton]

If you go down anytime you have that many choices in an arena bath and you want to go 2/3 of the way down, I think that's my personal choice for going to the bathroom as much as I have. So I go in the bathroom stall and how it works with the colostomy bag is it kind of like hangs between your legs a bit and you're supposed to undo it. It's not like high tech.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, is it like between your thighs, like a big bollock?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Sort of as you're standing, it sort of hangs like just below your waistline. But when you sit down, it is like. It's like a big bullock.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes, I love that.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Like a big bullock. It kind of goes down where the bullocks are. Yeah, ok. And you lay it over your bollocks and you let it into the, into the toilet. Like, you know, you undo it. And the thing about the colostomy bag is it's not like high technology. This isn't like, it's not even something like a stoner would make in a kitchen for a super medieval. It's super medieval. It's held together with something that's not that different than, like, a chip clip. It is like a medical barrette. It is not like a. It's truly solo tech. You can't believe this is, like, what? This is. This. I'm supposed to do this. And, like, I guess it works.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's also so funny because we have, you know, we have apps that can detect our blood pressure, and we haven't just improved the basics of the colostomy bag.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, we've had, like, pneumatic male tubes for 150 years, but this thing is still a plastic bag.

[Jameela Jamil]

Stocks have literally just gone up in the last week for flying cars, really, that are about to be built. So hopefully one day they'll get to the colostomy bag.

[Johnny Pemberton]

You know, I think they skipped over. They're never coming back. It's like the bottom of the bag is open, and you fold it over and you keep it closed with this little chip clip barrette thing. So I go to sit down the toilet, and I've had the colostomy back for, like, a month and a half now. So I'm pretty used to doing this. I've done it a bunch of times, and I go to undo the chip clip thing and to let out the waste in the toilet, and I come kind of fumble a little bit, and that's when everything just goes, like, boo. You know, like, totally bullet time. Because I'm thinking, oh, my God, I've got this stuff all over my legs, my socks, my pants, my shoes.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm thinking, it just explode open.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, it didn't explode. It just was very full, and I sort of fumbled. Instead of letting it down, I kind of like. It slipped out of my hands.

[Justine Marino]

And. Can I ask. You're on mushrooms and stone at this point?

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, I'm sober as hell.

[Justine Marino]

Oh, you are? Okay. Okay.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I'm not gonna double.

[Justine Marino]

It's just Annette.

[Jameela Jamil]

Just Annette. Yeah.

[Justine Marino]

What a bad trip, though, to just have shit exploding everywhere.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So I'm thinking, it's all over me. Right. And the other thing about this, you have to know is it's not like regular shit. This is like bag waste, if you call this shit. Shit's like, I'm not. No, I'm fucking shit.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I'm way better than this. This is like. You know what I mean?

[Jameela Jamil]

We don't want to offend shit.

[Johnny Pemberton]

No, shit's like, I am food for certain bugs and insects. I'm fertilizer. Shit's a completed product. You know, it's like, it doesn't smell good. You don't want to eat it. But at least it's like something that you. That you're. It's done. It's finished. Your body's done. This stuff is in the middle. This is not food. It's not even shit. It's like this weird nether region. And it's like motor oil from hell. Terrible. It smells the worst. It's like a ghost of a rapist just walk through your body. It's this fucking hideous smell.

[Justine Marino]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's all right.

[Justine Marino]

I'm out.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I have. It's the only analogy that works.

[Justine Marino]

Unfortunately, it's the only one. There were no others.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Well, it conjures up the absolute.

[Justine Marino]

No, it does. It does. It does. You're right.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's just this terrible.

[Jameela Jamil]

I know exactly what it smells like. Cause you said that.

[Justine Marino]

Exactly.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's hell. It's very bad stuff.

[Jameela Jamil]

Descriptive genius.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And that's what I think is all over me. This stuff. You know, I'm 90 miles from home. I didn't drive there. I'm thinking, I gotta fucking kill somebody to get out of here. Cause I'm. I'm just. I don't have a change of clothes.

[Justine Marino]

Yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And eventually I get the courage to look down and kind of assess the situation. I look down. It's not on me at all. It's not anywhere on me whatsoever. It's not in the bowl. It's just all over the fucking floor.

[Justine Marino]

Oh, no.

[Johnny Pemberton]

So I totally somehow just missed out. Exactly. Perfectly. And you know.

[Jameela Jamil]

High five, friend.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, very high five. Didn't have to wipe my ass or anything. Cause I don't, you know, didn't come out my ass. Some hippie is gonna slip in it later. But, you know, it's not my problem.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's fine.

[Justine Marino]

Probably on drugs.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, exactly. They're going to hallucinate it.

[Justine Marino]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Good grief. Did you warn anyone as you left? Did you leave? Was there a line of people waiting for you to come out? And then you were like, don't go in there.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Absolutely not. No. I think my brain stopped working for the next hour because I was so happy. Like I could be. And I was walking on clouds at that point. Just because the fact I avoided that, I felt like, okay, that's my good luck for the next 20 years.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah. That's a God's favorite moment. Yeah. Okay, so you have both been absolutely fucking hilarious and outrageous and I've really enjoyed chatting to you, but I will not let you go until we include the audience in this show. They Write in their own wrong turns. And we call this part of the show Misery Loves Company. So someone wrote in. When I was in grad school, I was dating a man that we're going to call Perry. I was over at his house for the weekend doing the deed, and I felt the bed sheet start to go up my ass. Now, I don't understand the physics of what's happening, but there is definitely a bed sheet in my butt. He finishes, and all I can think is, I can't move because the man will see that I have a bed sheet shoved up my ass. He had a work event to go to, so I stayed in that spot on the bed until he left. And once he left, I jumped out of the bed and pulled the sheet, hoping by some miracle this pure white sheet was not going to be dyed brown. But no such luck. I am mortified, but I throw the sheets in the laundry. Maybe five minutes later, Perry comes back because he had the date of the event wrong. And he asked me why I'm washing the sheets, and I said, oh, they just smelled kind of funky. He said, well, that's strange, because I just washed them this morning. Fast forward eight years later, and Perry comes out as transgender, and we'd been broken up for seven and a half years. When Perry came out as Lynn, I reached out, as I'm a huge supporter of the transgender community, and we started talking again, and I told her there was something I needed to get off my chest and proceeded to tell her about the sheet incident. She said, yeah, I know. I saw it go up your butt. But I didn't know what to do.

[Justine Marino]

Left.

[Jameela Jamil]

What?

[Justine Marino]

Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

No white sheets ever. Why does this feel like the sheets have a mind of their own? How is this happening? And no one just pulls it out.

[Justine Marino]

Pull it out.

[Jameela Jamil]

What is this sheet phenomena?

[Johnny Pemberton]

It must be a dead GI surgeon who's in that. In the.

[Jameela Jamil]

The whole time, I was thinking, is there a gerbil in the bed? And the gerbils, like, tried to make it up his arm. Wasn't that where your mind naturally went?

[Johnny Pemberton]

I thought.

[Justine Marino]

Honestly, I did.

[Johnny Pemberton]

I did think there was, like, gotta be a critter in there.

[Justine Marino]

I immediately was like, that person does not use wet wipes. You know what I mean? That was my first and does not have a bidet. If there was a brown. Yeah, a little stain, you know, Babe, get some wet wipes. Get a bidet.

[Johnny Pemberton]

White sheets. I mean, I don't like white sheets at all. For obvious reasons.

[Justine Marino]

I do not like white sheets. No, no.

[Jameela Jamil]

Dark Brown only, right?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah. Or a lot of patterns.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Sewage colored patterns that looks like they've already been.

[Johnny Pemberton]

What is this? A tie dye? Tie dye sheets?

[Justine Marino]

Yeah. You make your own tie dye sheets?

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, Tie dyes with only natural, only earth colors. That's what I like.

[Justine Marino]

Neutrals. They're neutrals.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, it's like a whole map or something like that. That's what I like my sheets to look like.

[Jameela Jamil]

The only way the sheet has gone in and gotten stuck up his ass, I think, is if he's just had a quick little itch.

[Justine Marino]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know what I mean? He's had an itch with the sheet, not wanting his hands to get dirty in there. So he's. He scratched his ass using the sheet and then it's just got caught up there.

[Justine Marino]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

He's got a hungry bum.

[Justine Marino]

You know what I mean? I was just gonna say that the asshole was like sucked, you know, was hungry. Yeah, yeah.

[Johnny Pemberton]

It's a two way door.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, it is.

[Justine Marino]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jameela Jamil]

Girls gotta eat. Anyway, thank you so much for that incredibly strange story and what a weird left turn it took. And I'm happy that they were able to have that closure together.

[Justine Marino]

Yes.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Only took eight years.

[Jameela Jamil]

Only took eight years to find out why he was invaded by a mysterious ghost. Sheet. I think it was a ghost.

[Justine Marino]

I do too. I think it was a ghost. Or I think it was just like a hungry asshole, you know, that was just hungry for sheets.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hungry Hungry Hippo. Okay, well, on that note, before you go, will you tell everyone where they can find you and see you and listen to you?

[Justine Marino]

Yes, I'm on all the platforms. Usteinemachine1. Cause someone else took usteine machine. So there's a one at the end. Number one to get her. We're going to get her. I've tried. She's not active at all. She's a hairdresser. She stopped accepting my messages. But I have tried. Except mine. Yeah. Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

So you guys make an appointment. Let's bully Justine.

[Justine Marino]

Let's bully the other Justine.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay, great.

[Justine Marino]

And the wrong turners. You guys feel free to bully her as well. I. Wow. No.

[Johnny Pemberton]

And then lawsuit.

[Justine Marino]

My. Like, everything was fine till Justine told the people to bully this poor woman.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wrong turns taken off air.

[Justine Marino]

Yeah, exactly. I come back next time and this is my next wrong turn.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know what, guys? Don't bully the other fake Justine. Bully this one.

[Justine Marino]

Yeah, okay. Yeah. Bully me. I deserve it.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Support.

[Justine Marino]

Support.

[Johnny Pemberton]

Yeah, Bully with support.

[Justine Marino]

Bully with support. Exactly. Bully with support. And then my monthly show at the Improv Comedy crush. It's always packaging and fun and we have great sponsors. We give out a lot of free weed and weed devices and it's just a great show. It's a really good show. Yeah, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

So amazing. Go find Justine there.

[Justine Marino]

Thank you.

[Jameela Jamil]

And what about you, Johnny?

[Johnny Pemberton]

You can go to johnnypemberton Dot, that's my website. And you can say no, you just google my name. You'll figure it out.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, you got movies coming out. You're a big deal. Well, thanks for coming today. I wish you both the worst of luck so that you have to come back and tell me more so stories. You've been a joy. Thank you.

[Justine Marino]

Thank you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personaldisasterstoriesmail.com you can find full length videos of our episodes on YouTube. And don't forget to subscribe like review wherever you get your podcasts and tell your friends about about us. And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now. Bye.

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[Justine Marino]

Yep.

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[Johnny Pemberton]

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[Justine Marino]

A Big Mac Extra Value meal for $8.

[Johnny Pemberton]

That means two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun and medium fries and a drink. We may to change that jingle. Prices and participation may vary.