Jordan Firstman and Megan Gailey

Summary

Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil - Episode Featuring Jordan Firstman and Megan Gailey

Release Date: June 5, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil, host Jordan Firstman teams up with comedian and podcaster Megan Gailey to delve into a series of hilariously mortifying and embarrassing stories. True to the podcast’s core premise, there are no morals or silver linings—just a candid exploration of life’s most cringe-worthy moments. Listeners are treated to unfiltered conversations that underscore the shared human experience of making questionable decisions.

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Meet the Guests

Megan Gailey: An actress, comedian, podcaster, and writer known for her work on shows like Pause with Sam J. and The Roast of Tom Brady. She co-hosts the sports-centric podcast Sports Bitches alongside Sarah Tiana and Rachel Bonetta.

Jordan Firstman: The co-host who brings his own brand of humor and vulnerability, sharing personal anecdotes that resonate with anyone who has faced life’s less glamorous moments.

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Embarrassing Childhood Experiences

Megan kicks off the conversation by reminiscing about early childhood embarrassments. She reflects on the moment she realized her sexual orientation, sharing how this realization was intertwined with her experiences at a young age.

“Maybe I was 12 when this happened because it was when I started looking at porn.” (14:29)

Jordan relates by sharing his own childhood memories, including the awkwardness of collecting and watching pornographic material during the early days of the internet.

“When I was 10, I was watching the previews that would come on at 10 pm and then at midnight.” (15:00)

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Public Embarrassments and Body Image

The discussion takes a humorous yet candid turn as both Jordan and Megan share stories about pooping their pants in public. Megan recounts a particularly embarrassing incident at a stage play where she couldn't make it to the restroom in time.

“I pooped my pants while I was waiting. I tried to remedy it, you know, clean it up.” (22:34)

Jordan shares an especially graphic story about having an accident on Santa Monica Boulevard, detailing his frantic attempts to hide the evidence from unsuspecting passersby.

“I have never felt clean ever again.” (32:10)

These stories highlight the universal nature of embarrassing bodily functions, turning personal shame into shared laughter.

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Handling Public Disasters with Humor

Both guests discuss coping mechanisms for dealing with public embarrassments. Megan explains how pregnancy exacerbates her issues, leading to multiple incidents:

“I have nothing with me. If I poop my pants here, then I just have to go outside and pretend I'm an unhoused pregnant woman in Austin.” (27:57)

Jordan reflects on how these experiences have shaped his ability to handle similar situations with humor and resilience.

“But generally, no. I've had quite a rigid and safe asshole most of my life.” (33:02)

Their ability to laugh at their own misfortunes serves as a therapeutic tool, reinforcing the podcast's theme of communal suffering and amusement.

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Societal Reflections and Personal Growth

The conversation shifts to broader societal observations, such as the trend of people inserting objects into their bodies, and the potential psychological reasons behind these actions.

Jordan introduces a news story about the rise in people sticking objects up their rectums, leading to significant healthcare costs in the UK.

“People are down and out these days.” (36:56)

The guests humorously speculate on how societal changes and technological advancements, like AI taking over jobs, might contribute to such behaviors.

“That's what's gonna keep happening if AI keeps taking our jobs, because we don't know what to do with our time.” (37:08)

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Promoting Upcoming Projects

As the episode progresses towards its conclusion, both Megan and Jordan take a moment to promote their upcoming projects.

Megan Gailey promotes her podcast Sports Bitches, emphasizing that athletes, much like everyone else, have their own embarrassing moments.

“Athletes are just like us. They poop their pants sometimes, too.” (39:26)

Jordan Firstman shares details about his comedy music album, Secrets, highlighting how each track is inspired by real, often taboo, personal experiences.

“I have a song called 'I Want to See My Friends Dicks,'” (41:14)

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Final Thoughts and Takeaways

The episode wraps up with Jordan and Megan reflecting on the therapeutic power of sharing embarrassing stories. By openly discussing their wrong turns, they foster a sense of solidarity and humor that listeners can relate to and find comfort in.

“This was a miserable and hilarious episode.” (35:04)

The candid and humorous exchange underscores the podcast’s mission: to revel in each other’s misfortunes and remind everyone that they're not alone in their life’s disasters.

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Notable Quotes

• “Sometimes, like, if I want just a blowjob and I want a good blowjob, usually the ones who give those types and will do it just like that aren't on the more attractive side.” — Guest Speaker (08:22)

• “Pooping my pants while I was waiting. I tried to remedy it, you know, clean it up.” — Megan Gailey (22:34)

• “I have never felt clean ever again.” — Jordan Firstman (32:10)

• “That's what's gonna keep happening if AI keeps taking our jobs, because we don't know what to do with our time.” — Jordan Firstman (37:08)

• “This was a miserable and hilarious episode.” — Jordan Firstman (35:04)

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Conclusion

This episode of Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil epitomizes the podcast’s essence—embracing the awkward, the embarrassing, and the downright disastrous moments of life. Through Jordan Firstman and Megan Gailey’s unfiltered storytelling and humor, listeners are reminded that everyone has their own series of wrong turns, and sometimes, laughing about them is the best way to cope.

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Disclaimer: The stories shared in this episode are personal anecdotes intended for comedic and relatable purposes. Listener discretion is advised due to explicit language and graphic content.

Transcript

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[Jordan Firstman]

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is a podcast that is all about our stupidest decisions, our worst disasters, things that we came out of with no great silver lining. And so we have brought on a ton of miserable guests to come on and share their woes with us so that we can all feel collectively like sometimes life just fucks you for no reason. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so my guests today are an actress, comedian, podcaster, and writer from shows like Pause with Sam J. And the Roast of Tom Brady. Her new podcast, which she co hosts with Sarah Tiana and Rachel Bonetta, is sports. It's Megan Gailey. Hello.

[Megan Gailey]

Hello. I think a Monday morning is the first is the best time to talk about the worst mistakes you've made in your life.

[Jordan Firstman]

Sets the tone for the week.

[Megan Gailey]

It really does.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah. It's the opposite of manifest Monday.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

I'd rather that than talk about sports. I don't know. That sounds like my.

[Megan Gailey]

Hell no. We are gay male listenership is low, definitely. For a podcast by three women. We're like, where are the gays?

[Jordan Firstman]

Which is a shame because the men look wonderful.

[Megan Gailey]

Oh, yeah. I mean, no, we. I would say we are talking about how hot they are and how much we want to have sex with them way more than we're talking about, like, wins and losses.

[Guest Speaker]

Well, this, actually already. I have a point. This is like, gay men are very visual with what we want.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

And I think in females in general, they like, like to listen to, like, an erotic podcast. Like, they're. They like to listen to hot things or talk about hot things where we like to, like, touch, look, and them.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

Okay. There is a YouTube element.

[Guest Speaker]

Okay. And you pull the pictures up.

[Megan Gailey]

Oh, oh, we pull the pictures up.

[Jordan Firstman]

And this sexy voice that you're hearing, by the way, belongs to comedian, writer, actor, producer and musician from English Teacher and Rotting in the Sun. He has a new album out. It's called Secrets. And you can see him in the upcoming HBO comedy series with Rachel Sennett. Jordan Firstman. Hello. The Internet's ultimate biggest crush.

[Guest Speaker]

I. Yeah, I. At times, at times they waver with me. They.

[Jordan Firstman]

You feel as though you come in and out.

[Guest Speaker]

I come in and out of. I have culture as anyone does.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yes.

[Guest Speaker]

You know what I mean?

[Jordan Firstman]

But you had us in a chok cold during the pandemic.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, that was an on moment. I would say a couple years off.

[Jordan Firstman]

Do you plan on coming back or are you serious?

[Guest Speaker]

I think I would say I would like to come back, you know, for a little bit. Dip in and out.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

I have a rule like one, one moment. I could. You could have a six month period of relevance every two to three years and that's it.

[Jordan Firstman]

Wow.

[Guest Speaker]

That's like my rule. Sl goal.

[Megan Gailey]

You feel like you have to stay hot.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah. Always for every.

[Jordan Firstman]

Or do you only get hot for that six month? Do you let yourself go?

[Megan Gailey]

The two years is just regal.

[Jordan Firstman]

Channing Tatum calls that getting fappy where he gets fat and happy.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, he just posted a fappy, fappy photo D. And I commented, hey, fatty. I'm like, you can post that with Channing Tatum, you know, 100%.

[Jordan Firstman]

Well, he. That's what he's. He's going for, is he?

[Guest Speaker]

I actually I presented at the WGA Awards and my plan was to come out because, you know, there are Writers Writers Guild. I wanted to come out and say, what's up fatties? And they didn't want that. They said no. Then I changed it to what's up ugos? Yeah, they didn't like that either.

[Megan Gailey]

But that's great writing.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah. Yeah, like they would have liked it.

[Jordan Firstman]

Uggos in particular. Extraordinary entry into that. So, okay, so when it comes to disaster, are you people who. You know, does disaster seek you out or are you generally quite lucky people?

[Megan Gailey]

I mean, I'm seven months pregnant in the fall of democracy. Sorry.

[Guest Speaker]

Honestly, sorry. Too far.

[Megan Gailey]

It's so sad. What's great is like he can hear everything we're saying and he's like, that's not even the first time someone said that, mama. Like, I keep getting on stage being like, does anyone want him? He's biracial, by the way.

[Jordan Firstman]

Everyone, it's 10am that was too far.

[Guest Speaker]

I'll admit. That was too.

[Megan Gailey]

It wasn't too Far. I don't even know that I fully want him, you know, Sorry to say that, but.

[Guest Speaker]

No.

[Megan Gailey]

Resources are scarce. Maybe, like, time is tough. The stock market is crashing. I don't know that I can afford you.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

What about you, Jordan? You seem like someone who makes good decisions. I think that's just because you're hot.

[Guest Speaker]

I will. Thank you.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

Not. And also, not everyone thinks that I, like, really, like, people either think I'm hot or, like, really. I don't at all. It's. That's a weird thing I, like, go through in life. Like, I want someone to just objectively tell me if I'm hot because I get the spectrum.

[Jordan Firstman]

I mean, whose opinion would you actually take as solid? You know, because anyone could say I just said it and it's clearly not made a dent. Who would you believe if they said.

[Guest Speaker]

That'S an amazing question.

[Jordan Firstman]

Incredibly hot.

[Guest Speaker]

Like Olivia Colman, maybe.

[Jordan Firstman]

I knew it was going to be Olivia Coleman.

[Guest Speaker]

I don't know why.

[Megan Gailey]

I just knew it was because she.

[Jordan Firstman]

Is who I want.

[Guest Speaker]

All of my questions, I think, like, I just, like, trust me. Her opinion.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

On everything, but I think she would say I was hot. I mean, when you're gay, it's just a whole different standard because it's like they don't really care about personality or faces. I think a lot of my. If I were to say where my hotness shines through, it's like, from the. From the inside out. Like, I think it's in my eyes. It's at. Whatever gay people are. Don't care about your eyes. Like, they've never. There's. That's like their least favorite body part is your eyes.

[Jordan Firstman]

Are you saying you could be like Tucker Carlson but with an insane body and then 100%. Wow.

[Guest Speaker]

100%.

[Megan Gailey]

But you value the opinion of women even though you're not fudgeing them?

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, I think they, like. I value the opinion in general more.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah. Of women. And I would want, like, gay men to think that I look good or, like, like my outfit.

[Guest Speaker]

But that's. I have this whole new thing where I. I just, you know that, like, Subway take show.

[Megan Gailey]

Yes.

[Guest Speaker]

I. My subway take was that, like, despite what culture has led us to believe, gay men actually have worse style than straight men. Like, I think actually gay men, if you really are going to go out on the streets and look at the way gay people dress, they have no right to be telling anyone anything.

[Megan Gailey]

It's bonkers. Bananas.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah. It's like we're in the epicenter. You go to the Abbey. And you're going to see like a guy with like a. Like a. A crop top that says I love Bjork and bottoming with like a spandex, like, sparkly shorts and like huge Doc Martin heels. And it's like you're going to tell.

[Jordan Firstman]

Me anything what happened because I feel.

[Guest Speaker]

Like there wasn't a time.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah, no, but I feel like there was a time. Like, I like gay people. We're suddenly.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, those times are long gone, mama.

[Jordan Firstman]

But when. No, but there was a time when being gay meant that you were very, very chic. Do you feel like everything has become so open and free that now everyone can leave?

[Guest Speaker]

I think we were lied to. You go back and watch Sex in the City. All of those girls outfits hold up. You look at Sam Stanford not holding up.

[Jordan Firstman]

It's like, I don't think he was ever set up as an icon.

[Guest Speaker]

They kind of were saying, like, you listen to Stanford for like, he was.

[Megan Gailey]

Sitting front row at Carolina Herrera. There are fashion gays. There are also non gay.

[Jordan Firstman]

Like, this is such a scolding hot take. I don't even know what to do.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, we'll see when it hits.

[Jordan Firstman]

I'm going to be looking around now.

[Guest Speaker]

It hasn't come.

[Megan Gailey]

We're getting a sneak peek.

[Guest Speaker]

I do think that, like, you know, the gays will be mad because they really think they're eating house boots. And they are not. Mama.

[Jordan Firstman]

Tell me, tell me, do you. Do you feel like you experience disaster? Do you make good decisions, bad decisions?

[Guest Speaker]

I think the universe has always. A very, at this point, obvious and strategic way of humbling me when I start to get, like, I do a thing that's like, it's definitely. It doesn't mean I'm in a good place in my life or spiritually enlightened, but sometimes, like, if I want just a blowjob, like, it's like if I want just a blowjob and I want a good blow job, usually the ones who give those types and will do it just like that aren't on the more attractive side. So I'll kind of. I'll. I'll blindfold myself and like, leave the door open. And they just like, come in and do their thing and then leave. There was one night where I, like, I invited a guy over. I knew he was a, like, pig. Like, just like, he looked horrible. And I knew that even though he didn't have pictures, but I was like, whatever, I want this done now.

[Megan Gailey]

And.

[Guest Speaker]

And he comes over. I'm. I'm supposed to be the hot one in this situation. He comes over. I like, I can kind of see through my mask. Him like look me up and down. Leave. He left. I was like, what, what is happening? Right.

[Jordan Firstman]

For being such a cunning.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah. I'm like, my, my naked body was like, it repulsed him for some reason. But yeah, so stuff like that happens to me a lot.

[Jordan Firstman]

I heard a story that there's a. There's a huge Hollywood star who is gay but not out. And what he does is he just ties a bag over his head and lets you come in and suck him off.

[Guest Speaker]

That's exactly what I do. I. Not the bag. The bag is a great idea though.

[Jordan Firstman]

And not to say that you are not a huge star, but I'm sorry.

[Guest Speaker]

Do you know who it is?

[Jordan Firstman]

I do know who it is.

[Guest Speaker]

You'll tell me after because I'm willing to be on the other side of the. Of the bag as well. I'm not, I'm not just the blindfolded guy.

[Jordan Firstman]

My friend who you know, was eventually, you know, invited to suck him off, right. Was originally on like a helicopter with a bunch of different celebrities and was sitting right next to him. And this is when he didn't have the bag over his head. So then the next day when he comes in, it's like, I just flew next to you. I remember your smell, like I know who you are. And it's supposed to be this pretense that he, he has no idea.

[Guest Speaker]

How does he just find them online?

[Jordan Firstman]

It's like very ISIS blowjob situation. Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

The logistics, this is like when I see a man running, I'm like, we die like a man running at night. I want to hit with my car because I'm like, women can't fucking do that. I can't just like open my front door and be like, come and eat my pussy. I have a bag on my head. I literally am on date line dead. And everyone's like, good for her. I'm glad she's dead. She's a crazy bitch.

[Jordan Firstman]

Even walking home at night there's so scary to me. For some reason that reminded me of a time where in West Hollywood, which is also one of the safest areas in Los Angeles, cuz everyone's gay. So like you are safe, you are protected, but you just never know.

[Guest Speaker]

But those twinks are drunk. They might just hit you like for no reason.

[Megan Gailey]

Wild Chihuahuas too. Like there are definitely dogs running West Hollywood.

[Jordan Firstman]

Whenever I walk home, I run home from wherever I've like, like whichever Uber I've Gotten out of. Or I run home from, like the Comedy Store to my house or something. And I will run as if I'm already being chased.

[Guest Speaker]

Yes.

[Jordan Firstman]

So I'm looking behind me, running in panic. I'm acting. Yeah, yeah. And because then I'm hoping that whichever pervert sees me will go, someone else has already got that one. I'll get the next one. And then one time there was this group of guys near my house, and they're all standing around a car and I was like, they would outnumber me.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

And also, this road is too long. I was on this very long road. So you can see that either I'm not really being chased or I'm so far ahead that now I'm kind of free game again. So I. I run up to them and I go, it's coming. And then they all run away in different directions. And I go safely into my house. And I've ruined their night, but I've gotten home safe. We'll be right back after the break. Mom. Mom.

[Credit One Bank Representative]

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[Megan Gailey]

Honey, please stop.

[Credit One Bank Representative]

I'm trying to drive today. You're taking your kid for a drive, then before you know it, they're taking you for one.

[Megan Gailey]

Honey, stop.

[Jordan Firstman]

Mom.

[Guest Speaker]

I got it.

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[Jordan Firstman]

And we are back with more wrong turns. All right, Jordan, we're gonna just go head first straight into your story.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

Tell me what happened. Are you okay?

[Guest Speaker]

So this was a formative. I would say I was 11 years old because I ended up actually coming out very early at like 12, maybe at the end of 12.

[Megan Gailey]

Wow. And geographically, where are you?

[Guest Speaker]

We're on Long Island.

[Megan Gailey]

Okay. So that's okay.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

It was in Indiana.

[Megan Gailey]

That was not happening.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, yeah, it definitely wasn't happening. And it really kind of wasn't in my town. But, like, I am Just like if I'm the kind of person that like, just if, if I have to say something, I have to say it. So.

[Jordan Firstman]

And how long had you been holding it in?

[Guest Speaker]

Really? Not that long.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah, like a day, it seems like.

[Guest Speaker]

I feel like I, I was like. There was like a progression of like this One guy, his MySpace photo had like abs in it and I was like, oh, I like that. And then like maybe two months later was like, okay, like I'm gay. So maybe, Maybe I was 12 when this happened because it was. I started like. And I went, I went head first and so I started looking at porn. This was when like videos.

[Jordan Firstman]

How evolved? I'm not trying to age. Age. Yeah, but how evolved was the porn scene?

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah. So there was like this website I remember is xnxx.com and it was like, you know, you still had to wait a long time for it to download, but like it was right after. Because when I was like 10, I remember my friends and I were like printed out a picture of boobs.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah, I was. When I was 10, I. I'm 39 now. I was watching the previews that would come on at 10pm and then at midnight. Yeah, you know the 10 minute previews where you just get like 10 minutes of porn and then it. Then that, then you get another preview and I would, I would wait religiously for that time.

[Guest Speaker]

Internet wasn't there yet. So I'm like 11 or 12, I discover and like this hasn't not.

[Jordan Firstman]

Is it dial up Internet or is it straight to.

[Guest Speaker]

Just because it's. It's after dial. It's after dial up. Cuz I was. These were real videos I was watching. So I get really into, you know, there's the categories. This is when categories were a huge, huge thing. And I get really into African American gang bangs. All I wanted, it was like moth to a flame. I was like, that's my thing. That's all I would watch. And so I was, you know, having one of my sessions.

[Megan Gailey]

I love that you said African American. You're like, I will be.

[Guest Speaker]

I don't know.

[Megan Gailey]

That's what I'm saying.

[Guest Speaker]

Maybe some of them weren't American.

[Megan Gailey]

No. I bet in 2005 that's what they were calling it, this African American gang bang.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

Which is the number one.

[Guest Speaker]

Some of them could have been straight up African. I don't know. They weren't talking that much.

[Megan Gailey]

Number one search in Long island in 2005 too.

[Guest Speaker]

Across all genres. Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

You are such a scary and unpredictable person.

[Guest Speaker]

I know people Tell me all the time, like, you need to have a podcast. I'm like, no, I don't, like, I, I. You don't want me to have a.

[Jordan Firstman]

Pod like, every time you come on. We're just on the border of legal.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't help it. I can't help it.

[Jordan Firstman]

Okay, sorry. So you are watching Glorious Por.

[Guest Speaker]

Yes. And yeah, so I'm like, there, I'm like, about to finish and like, I, I have my house.

[Jordan Firstman]

Wait, sorry, are you going for, like, it's like, this is a child. So we're going to try not to be too graphic. But how were you fucking?

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

What were you wearing?

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah, like, how big was it at that point?

[Guest Speaker]

Had it grown yet?

[Jordan Firstman]

But, like, are you vigorously going for it or you just having, like, a nice chill time?

[Guest Speaker]

I'm such a chill mask. I'm never going to be, like.

[Jordan Firstman]

Slow and steady.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah. Slow and stead myself. What was strange?

[Jordan Firstman]

Not the lean.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, yeah. I could take my time.

[Megan Gailey]

I don't need to blow the load right now.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah. So, like, the way my house was set up, like, I was on the second floor and then my neighbor was like, in an apartment building. And so I'm like, doing it, and all of a sudden, like, I hear, like, hysterical laughing. And I turn around and there's a group of five grown men pointing at me and laughing.

[Megan Gailey]

They're villains because that's illegal.

[Guest Speaker]

And. But they weren't the sad thing. They weren't doing it in a pedophile way. They were doing it in a making fun of me way.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

You know, that is the sad thing.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

Well done.

[Guest Speaker]

I wish they were pedophiling me.

[Megan Gailey]

What are five men doing in an apartment together if it's not pedophilia?

[Guest Speaker]

I know, I know. They were just drinking some beers, hanging, hanging out, you know, And I.

[Megan Gailey]

You're like, you're poor. Get your own.

[Guest Speaker]

Get a house. And so I, like, I dropped to the floor, unplug my computer. Like, bear crawl to my lights, turn off all my lights. And then, like, bear crawled down the stair. Like, I was so mortified. And I slept on the couch for, like, on the downstairs couch for, like, weeks. Like, I could not even be seen. And then by the time I went back to my room, I, like, rearranged all my furniture. So, like, they want to act like.

[Jordan Firstman]

Someone else lives here.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah. Like, we moved. We moved. It's another person.

[Megan Gailey]

It's another gay boy.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, but my parents were like, why are, like, why are you sleeping on the couch and I was just like. I just like. Like to watch TV when I fall asleep. I don't know. I had to make up all this stuff.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

And I think that was. That was definitely. Yeah. To be mocked. To be. Also. It was like, right before it came out, you know, it was. It was like what I didn't want people to see.

[Jordan Firstman]

Also, like, how has that not given you some sort of wanking injury, you know, emotionally?

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, I don't know. I've actually.

[Jordan Firstman]

Is this what the bag over the head is all about?

[Guest Speaker]

Voyeurist? Not voyeurist. What is it called when you like being watched?

[Jordan Firstman]

Right, right, right.

[Guest Speaker]

That word.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah. So that sounds like that's a.

[Guest Speaker]

But it's like I kind of went the opposite way. Yeah. Like in rotting in the sun. I suck dick on camera.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

Like, I'm like, I. I'm actually fine doing stuff publicly now, which is weird. Maybe.

[Jordan Firstman]

Maybe we have those five bullies to sign.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

This is your origin story. It wasn't the wrong turn. They made you a star.

[Guest Speaker]

True, true. Yeah, I know. Sucking dick on camera definitely helps my career. And didn't. Didn't hurt me in any way.

[Megan Gailey]

I hope those five got together. Screening of that.

[Guest Speaker]

Oh, the folks at Warner Brothers love that I did that.

[Jordan Firstman]

Oh, man. Ever been caught wanking, Megan?

[Megan Gailey]

No. Probably humping a pillow. I've probably been caught.

[Jordan Firstman]

Was that sort of recent or more as a child?

[Megan Gailey]

It was right Yesterday.

[Guest Speaker]

This morning.

[Megan Gailey]

12. Because at 12, you're, like, being left home alone, and then you're like, all I would do is, like, put on all my mom's makeup and then be like, I'm going to go hump a pillow. You know, that was like my whole.

[Jordan Firstman]

I'm sorry to get dressed up for the couch.

[Megan Gailey]

They were separate. They were totally separate. I just was like, I want to.

[Guest Speaker]

See what the couch. Just like, the girl with a lot of makeup. He didn't like the natural look.

[Jordan Firstman]

No, but it's. The patriarchy is everywhere. Do you know what I mean? Like, even in animal object that we consider male.

[Guest Speaker]

Want to put on some mascara, girl? This throw pillow kill you to throw on some blush?

[Megan Gailey]

No, the makeup. The makeup was for me, as was the pillow.

[Jordan Firstman]

Humping. Yes, yes.

[Megan Gailey]

Okay, I will. I'll unpack it in therapy. But I. As of right now, I think they're both for me.

[Jordan Firstman]

This time. We're coming to you. Megan, what happened? You okay?

[Megan Gailey]

For a grown woman, I end up pooping my pants, like, a lot. Okay, great.

[Guest Speaker]

I. I do, too.

[Megan Gailey]

I'm glad I'M in it.

[Guest Speaker]

Are you Jewish?

[Megan Gailey]

No. Just. What is that?

[Guest Speaker]

Jews just don't have good stomachs.

[Jordan Firstman]

Okay.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

And I guess.

[Jordan Firstman]

Is that because it's a heavy gluten diet.

[Guest Speaker]

We're all in bread.

[Jordan Firstman]

No, Jordan.

[Guest Speaker]

I mean, we're all. If you go on 23andMe, it's like, most Jews are your cousin. That's just a real thing.

[Megan Gailey]

And so I'm Irish Catholic. We're also a little inbred, and we had a famine.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

So I think our stomachs are also.

[Guest Speaker]

Like, whoa, what's going on here?

[Megan Gailey]

We're not used to all this just food. Like, they still haven't evolved more than potatoes.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

Indians. However, as you know, anyone who goes to India, their stomach has never been better.

[Megan Gailey]

Totally fine.

[Guest Speaker]

You guys have stomachs of, like, steel.

[Megan Gailey]

You're the Olympics.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah. It's actually. It's people who have to travel to India. You have to wear diapers.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah. Also, it's, like, less shame for. In public, in general. Like, if I'm at a house party, I'm gonna shit if I need to. You know what I mean?

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah. Stomach. And this is what leads to pooping your pants.

[Jordan Firstman]

Okay.

[Megan Gailey]

So it, like, started, obviously, I pooped my pants as a baby.

[Jordan Firstman]

Wow.

[Megan Gailey]

Wow. Poop, poop. And then I remember the first time pooping my pants in public. I was probably, like, 8. I was at a Indianapolis viewing or, like, a stage play of our town at a place called Mud Creek Barn, a hilarious place to shit your pants.

[Jordan Firstman]

And I sort of actually the perfect.

[Guest Speaker]

That's really how you're at.

[Megan Gailey]

And I was just, like, waiting in line. Waiting, waiting, waiting. And, like, had to go. It was like a single. You know, it was a single bathroom. I pooped my pants while I was waiting. I went in. I tried to, like, remedy it, you know, clean it up.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

And then simply went back to my seat. Like, didn't tell my parents.

[Guest Speaker]

Did you throw out the underwear?

[Megan Gailey]

I think I threw out the underwear, but, like, the pants were ruined. I put toilet paper in there. I have two older brothers, and so they obviously were like, megan smells like. Like, we know Megan pooped her pants. And my parents, like, she did not poop her pants. You be nice to her. And then, like, when we got in the car, they were like, megan, did you put. And my mom just, like, put me in the shower, like, fully clothed.

[Jordan Firstman]

Oh, honey.

[Megan Gailey]

And it. It's still, like, that one set off, unfortunately, like, a long line of, like, a pipeline. Yeah, I pooped my poop line. Yeah. I pooped My pants in high school so badly that the nurse called my mom and was like, you have to come and deal with it.

[Guest Speaker]

This is too much.

[Megan Gailey]

And I know you're a nurse too, and this is on you.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

And. And it was because my drama teacher made me come in to take a final and it was like, I'm gonna my pants. Like I had whatever norovirus was happening in 2003. But I like, when I'm pregnant, there's not room for the poop. Like the baby is like, takes up so much room. So people talk about like having to go pee a lot when you have to go poop. It is coming. Like there is no place for it to go. And I'm fully dilated at all times. Yes, exactly. And I know there are going to be women that like call in and they're like, I've had four kids and I've never pooped my pants. Well, good for you because I have now pooped in my pants just with this pregnancy alone twice.

[Jordan Firstman]

And. But not until the end.

[Megan Gailey]

I think I'm okay.

[Jordan Firstman]

Okay. Just because this is a lot.

[Megan Gailey]

It is a lot. I was at south by Southwest and I was forced to go on a four and a half mile hike. And then I had a coffee and then I was like walking back to my hotel and I'm like, I'm gonna poop my pants in the bike.

[Jordan Firstman]

Wait, I'm sorry, who made you go on a four and a half mile?

[Megan Gailey]

Chelsea Handler. Well, Chelsea Handler on a book tour going, I support women making a her pregnant friend hike four and a half miles and then buying me a coffee. She set me up for failure.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

And I was actually in this. And this is hard. This is a one piece, you know, and so I walked into just a random Marriott, not even my Marriott, and was like, like truly like dodging people. Like, I'm at the fucking NFL.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah. Yeah. Just elbowing old women out the way.

[Megan Gailey]

Yes. And like got in my sunglasses.

[Jordan Firstman]

This is so crazy to be wearing an all in one. It takes so long to get everything off.

[Megan Gailey]

And I'm like sweating and it's coming.

[Guest Speaker]

Oh, is it dia.

[Megan Gailey]

It's come. It's calm. Like I'm like clenching.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

And then I'm doing like I was. I was actually holding my butthole. Like I'm at this point where it's.

[Guest Speaker]

Like you're holding it.

[Megan Gailey]

Like you guys go, I don't care what the I'm doing here. And so I'm holding my butthole. And so scooting through a lovely Marriott. Luckily, there was, like, a family restroom. And it's like, I'm a family, and I need to go in here right now. And only a little bit. Got on this to the point where I washed this puppy, and I'm wearing it in West Hollywood today.

[Guest Speaker]

I love it. It's the same one. I was wondering what that smell was.

[Jordan Firstman]

Cool, cool, cool. And so on our white couch. How safe are we today?

[Megan Gailey]

We are. I did have a. Tea. Coffee.

[Jordan Firstman]

Well, we're gonna wrap this up real soon.

[Megan Gailey]

Teas and tea tends to, like, be better for me. But no, it's like a real. When I text my husband, like, something's happened. He knows it's not, like, a death in the family. It's. I have my pants, and he. He loves me and, like, eats a gross amount, never poops his pants. Like, I am.

[Guest Speaker]

It's a thing people either do. I. I do it, like, once a year, I would say.

[Jordan Firstman]

Really?

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

I so appreciate.

[Guest Speaker]

It's always. It's always like, also, we live in L. A. It's like traffic. You never know. The car. It's always the second I park from the moment car to door to bathroom. That's when it happened.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

And I'm like, God damn it. I made it this far. And now, like, my hallway.

[Jordan Firstman]

Mission Impossible theme tunes Wipe up my hallway. Well, it's because your asshole sort of. I don't know. I don't know if this makes sense as an analogy, but you know how, like, a dog can sense from really far away that you're coming home?

[Guest Speaker]

Yes.

[Jordan Firstman]

Your asshole can sense from really far away that you're near the toilet. You're in the toilet.

[Guest Speaker]

Totally psychosomatic.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah. But it doesn't register that you've got to get out the car, lock the car, get in the house, unlock the house.

[Guest Speaker]

All you're thinking about is that you're going to poop soon.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

No, sometimes I've done it, like, in the bathroom, like, as.

[Guest Speaker]

Like, oh, for sure.

[Megan Gailey]

And, like, I'm to the point now where I have, like. I have, like, a mantra because. And I'm like, you're okay. You are safe. It's okay. We can throw this out, you know, because I have to, like, let myself off the hook before I even get. Now. Austin was a different story. It was like I have nothing with me.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

If I. If I poop my pants here, then I just have to go outside and pretend I'm a unhoused pregnant woman in Austin.

[Guest Speaker]

Which feels right.

[Megan Gailey]

Right?

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, There's. There's that.

[Megan Gailey]

But, like, if I'm in my own house, I go, hey, I threw.

[Jordan Firstman]

I'm a dog. I was only there, like, five years ago.

[Megan Gailey]

I was gonna take it right to cybertruck headquarters and just.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, you could do it.

[Megan Gailey]

Put it up the flag pole and go, here you go.

[Jordan Firstman]

And so are you quite good at handling it when it happens to you?

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah. I mean, at this point, it's like, yeah, again, it's like. It's. What are you gonna do? I shit my pants. Like, clean it up.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

This is your cool, hot vibe. This is what I'm talking about. This is. This is what he has. He just walks through this world like he owns it. And I appreciate that. Okay, we're gonna be back after a break. I suppose I could.

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[Guest Speaker]

I keep getting assassinated unsuccessfully.

[Jordan Firstman]

So far.

[T Mobile Representative]

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[Jordan Firstman]

You're very kind.

[T Mobile Representative]

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[Instacart Representative]

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[T Mobile Representative]

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[Instacart Representative]

Dip it in that hot sauce in your bag.

[T Mobile Representative]

Dip it in your McFlurry.

[Megan Gailey]

Your dip is your business.

[McDonald's Representative]

McCrispy strips at McDonald's this summer. Instacart is bringing back your favorites from 1999 with prices from 1999. That means 90s prices on juice pouches that ought to be respected. 90s prices on box Mac and cheese and 90s prices on ham, cheese and cracker lunches. Enjoy all those throwbacks and more at throwback prices only through Instacart. $4.72. Maximum discount per $10 of eligible items. Limit three offers per order. Expire September 5th while supplies last discount based on CPI comparison.

[Jordan Firstman]

Let you two just sit here and be vulnerable about, you know, your assholes. Or I can tell you that there was a time where I shit not just my pants. I shat all over the road on Santa Monica boulevard, right by 3rd Street Promenade in the middle of the day.

[Megan Gailey]

Pulled your pants down and pooped on the sidewalk.

[Jordan Firstman]

Didn't even need to pull my pants down. Came out. Yeah, I was wearing. I was we short pajamas. I was having a nervous breakdown and I hadn't showered in five days so everyone presumed I actually was unhoused. Anyway. It was giving very unhoused.

[Guest Speaker]

You had just heard the twist of the Good Place and you're like, I can't handle it. That's where they're taking the show.

[Jordan Firstman]

This was, thank God, before the Good Place. So no one knew to video me and put me on YouTube. I was walking down the street, hit with this like extraordinary pain and then started like no one's ever before. Just rivers.

[Megan Gailey]

Rivers down your leg.

[Jordan Firstman]

Rivers of down my leg. And then I had to finally it wouldn't stop. And I'm like begging people for help and people are running away from me with their children, they're crossing the road and so then I have to scuttle like a kind of. Yeah, exactly. You would have 100 abandoned me.

[Megan Gailey]

I would have thrown something at you.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah, thank you. You would have like like lamped 16 rolls of toilet bottles from afar.

[Megan Gailey]

Too pretty for me to care about.

[Jordan Firstman]

So I then have to across to two cars where I sit in between the two cars where I continue to cry, laugh shit and then piss. Because after a while you're like, well fuck it. If anything, this will clean me up. I then see a rogue lettuce underneath one of the cars for some reason and I'm like, I could use. Because you know, you develop a mania in this situation and you're like, I'm a genius. I'll use this lettuce, this completely non absorbent lettuce to, to clean myself up. I end up loose on the street, smearing my. Smearing it all over myself. So I was like, okay, I have to just wait for sundown. Which thank God in Santa Monica comes at like 4:45 in November. I'm freezing by the way. So I'm freezing. I'm in hell. I'm covered in the worst stuff you've ever seen. And I realized that now my new sane decision is to take all of my clothes off, which is a felony. I think in America you end up on the the sex offenders.

[Megan Gailey]

Not when you look like you.

[Jordan Firstman]

So I took. I did not look my best. I did not even.

[Megan Gailey]

You covered in shit is better than everyone I grew up with.

[Jordan Firstman]

No, now there's an only fans for that. And so I decided to take all my clothes off apart from my bra. So I'm just pussy out covered in poop and I put my room key and my debit card in between my teeth and I run home seven Santa Monica blocks at night in front of people.

[Guest Speaker]

And it's literally, you're at a hotel.

[Jordan Firstman]

And I'm at a hotel. And then I have to run through a very lit up lobby with shitty footprints and then I run up like something like God knows how many flights. You can't get dozens of flights of stairs because obviously I'm not gonna wait for it because I'll get arrested.

[Megan Gailey]

That's a really good.

[Jordan Firstman]

And I took 11. Thank you. My one rational thought, I would have.

[Megan Gailey]

Been like, yeah, the elevator is fine.

[Jordan Firstman]

I took 11 showers and to this day it's like Lady Macbeth. Like, out damn spot out. I have never felt clean ever again. So I just want you to know that.

[Guest Speaker]

And you haven't shit yourself since.

[Jordan Firstman]

I haven't shit myself since. No. I had one minor fart on Tuesday that let me down. That doesn't really count.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, a wet one.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I trusted someone that pretended to be a friend and wasn't. So, you know, that is what it is. But generally, no. I've had quite a rigid and safe asshole most of my life.

[Guest Speaker]

Just add one more tiny.

[Jordan Firstman]

Sure. No, no, no. Sure. We haven't traumatized the listeners.

[Guest Speaker]

When I was in. Yeah, I was in Mexico and. You in Mexico?

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

I knew the tummy was happening. And like, I was late for a breakfast. It's like a little beach town. I was late for breakfast with my friends. Like, where are you? Should we order? Should we order? And I like, I come in. I'm just wearing like a gym short underwear. And I like, come in and they're like, jordan. I wave shit. Just like, I'm at the door of the restaurant, just like a. A river, really wet. Like almost just water, but brown water.

[Jordan Firstman]

Just because you waved.

[Guest Speaker]

No, I don't know what happened. I. They saw my face go from like that to like. And it was like slow motion and then it just. And like the whole restaurant and like the, the. The waiter was like, Everyone just was in total shock. Like, like you just see like a happy gay guy come in, wave, and then. And then jaw floor, poop everywhere. Like, what happened?

[Jordan Firstman]

And you opened your mouth in the shower, like, what?

[Guest Speaker]

I don't like it. Just like, I was already having stomach issues and it just happened. And then like I run into the bathroom to fix it and then like, I. It's cleaned up by the time I get out. So, like, they clean it up and then I go to the table and like, my friends are just like, what the. Can you leave?

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah, I don't even count my shitting my pants in Acapulco. Like, that would be a whole other. That's a whole other episode.

[Jordan Firstman]

Like, but I'm sensing I need a separate podcast just for. Yeah, yeah, just wrong vacation poop is.

[Guest Speaker]

Like a whole other.

[Megan Gailey]

You're like, oh, I'm a victim.

[Jordan Firstman]

Thank you both for these extraordinary tales. And also, I love how one of my favorite things about this podcast is the way it triggers other memories and other traumas. We open the portal.

[Guest Speaker]

Oh, yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

And. And people start to remember other micro and macro humiliations. Before you go, I want to share another wrong turn story. This one's not about Pooh, but it is around the same sort of area of the arse. And I just want to read it to you and see your take.

[Megan Gailey]

Beautiful.

[Guest Speaker]

It's gonna be a pussy. I know it.

[Jordan Firstman]

This one's. No. So this is a story from the news recently in Britain. Headline, people sticking random objects up their bum is costing the NHS 350,000 pounds a year. In a year, 3,500 objects have to be manually extracted from rectums in a hospital. In the UK alone, the numbers are rising, with 80 being men. And the fastest growing demographic is people over the age of 60, which is quite fun. Quite fun of them.

[Megan Gailey]

Retired.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah. It's like, what else are you gonna do?

[Jordan Firstman]

We put them by the window and they sorts of crazy things. They want to stick a cucumber up your ass. The objects include a jar of instant coffee.

[Guest Speaker]

Ooh, these are thick.

[Jordan Firstman]

I know, I know. Pretty big sleigh. A Buzz Lightyear toy, a frozen pig's tail, a pair of garden shears, pencil wedged sideways. Two plastic bottles and a shot glass. Oh, we're sort of prepping for a picnic.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Jordan Firstman]

A motorized tire pump that inflated for five minutes.

[Guest Speaker]

Oh, my.

[Jordan Firstman]

Three cell phones, a plastic triceratops, two ice cream scoops, and wait for it, live eels.

[Guest Speaker]

Oh, yeah, People. People are down and out these days.

[Jordan Firstman]

I was gonna say, this is what's gonna keep happening if AI keeps taking our jobs, because we don't know what to do with our time. That was our identity. And so people have just got too much time on their hands. They don't know what to do, and they're gonna keep shoving things up their arms. Us. Yeah, I think it's a too much time.

[Guest Speaker]

Too many live eels around.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah, like you.

[Guest Speaker]

You do the math.

[Jordan Firstman]

I know, but, you know, like, that's a big thing, which I think is, like, It's a type of animal abuse. It's.

[Megan Gailey]

The worst one is like, I would never.

[Jordan Firstman]

No, I know. Yeah. Steve Owen is spinning in his grave.

[Megan Gailey]

But we don't have universal health care and we're sticking stuff up our butt all the time. And so like, over there, they're like.

[Jordan Firstman]

Do you think they're doing it more often because we have a free health. Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

They're like, oh, a trip to the doctors cost me nothing.

[Jordan Firstman]

Oh, yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

Awes if this Buzz Lightyear fits over here. It's like, you're gonna have to pay five grand.

[Guest Speaker]

It's a risk.

[Jordan Firstman]

One thing I do know was happening was goldfishing, which is where you shove a goldfish up there. And the reason that people. And this was big in London in like the early 2010s feels very skins. It was very skinned. It was very skinned. It was a thing where, like, people were justifying it. Coked off their face at parties as, like, it's fine because a goldfish only has a three second mem. So like. But I was like. But then every three seconds you're going, ah, I'm in an asshole. Ah, I'm in an asshole. Like, that's surely the worst. That's the worst death. It's just repeated realization of where you are. So, you know, I've really. I've really bummed Megan out.

[Megan Gailey]

Well, I just. I keep thinking of, like, the fish that we used to win at, like, school fairs. And like, they were so, you know, like, it was like one token, whatever that is. And like, they did die, but now I'm like, oh, my God. Even the ones that came home with me and inevitably got flushed down the toilet, that's like such a better life than.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah, you're a really good person, Megan.

[Megan Gailey]

I was a really good mama to them. Yeah. I didn't put them in any of my holes. I have enough problems with things coming out of my butt I'm not putting right.

[Jordan Firstman]

You putting anything funny in your puss?

[Megan Gailey]

Have I put anything strange in my puss? Just men's dicks.

[Guest Speaker]

Strange men's dicks.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

Yeah, lovely. Well, on that note, it feels like a good time to ask you, what do you both have coming up that.

[Guest Speaker]

You want to promote?

[Jordan Firstman]

Start with you, Megan.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah, you can listen to my podcast, Sports Bitches, where you know what? Athletes are just like us. They poop their pants sometimes, too.

[Jordan Firstman]

Have you seen that video of that woman who's running and she's on camera and she's. And she asks so calmly and so politely, she's like, sorry, can you just film me from the Back. She's completing, like, a triathlon or something. She's like, can you not film me from the back? Because I just shit my pants and then keeps running. It's one of the best.

[Megan Gailey]

And then, like, a lot of, like, people are, like, free bleeding during marathons now. It's getting wild out there. So, yeah, you can listen to sports, bitches. And then, I don't know. Venmo, my baby.

[Guest Speaker]

Venmo, my baby. That's a podcast.

[Jordan Firstman]

Send Megan. Send Megan some diapers.

[Megan Gailey]

Lovely Venmo baby adult diaper. We got plenty of ads.

[Jordan Firstman]

And where can people find you?

[Megan Gailey]

Online 1@ Better Megan Gailey. There was a Megan Gailey and I needed to send her a message. No, I did. I just took Better Megan Gailey and then she gave up Megan Gailey. She got married like a dumb bitch.

[Jordan Firstman]

No voting for her. And you, Jordan?

[Guest Speaker]

I have. Yes. I have a comedy music album coming out called Secrets.

[Jordan Firstman]

I love that you've started holding your.

[Guest Speaker]

While talking about it. It'll make more people listen. You know, I know sex sells.

[Jordan Firstman]

It really does.

[Guest Speaker]

I have fielded for the last five years, I've asked people on Instagram to. To share their deepest, darkest secrets with me, and I've kind of mined those. And every title of the song is based on a real person's secret.

[Jordan Firstman]

Wow.

[Guest Speaker]

I'm sure I've gotten a lot of stuff shoved up the pussy 100. None of them made it up. I'd say, like, the closest secret that's on the album, I have a song, like a kind of like, late 60s pink Floyd type song called I Can Only Come With a Loaded Gun in My Hand, and it kind of turned into this, like, anti war anth.

[Megan Gailey]

Beautiful.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Megan Gailey]

Timely.

[Guest Speaker]

Yeah, Very timely. Very timely. So, yeah, the title. The titles are fun. I had. I literally posted, like, last week. Does anyone want to get my. The track list of my album tattooed on them for a thousand dollars is way cheaper than I should have. But I was like, oh, I repost. It got a lot of responses this Sunday, someone from Chicago got the entire track list tattooed on both of their ass cheeks.

[Megan Gailey]

Wow.

[Guest Speaker]

So that's going live today. I'm already shadow banned for soliciting sex, I guess. So we'll see if I. We can see. Yeah.

[Jordan Firstman]

Okay. So if you can find George, if you go.

[Guest Speaker]

I think we got, like, on my way here, I got the news that the Shadow van might have been lifted.

[Jordan Firstman]

Oh, my God.

[Guest Speaker]

My whole team is like, the Shadow man is lifted. But really, it was just. I wanted to do a thing to promote the album because I. My single is called I Want to See My Friends Dicks.

[Megan Gailey]

Yeah.

[Guest Speaker]

And so to do that, I was asking for dick pics, and I was going to review them, and then apparently, that's soliciting sex. I'm like, can we grow up here? Like, what are we allowed to do anymore?

[Jordan Firstman]

I know, I know, I know. Freedom's gone. Yeah, freedom's gone. Well, you know what? Freedom's coming back with your album.

[Guest Speaker]

So my shadow ban has been lifted. So check out my album.

[Jordan Firstman]

I'm so, so excited. I think you should go on tour with my boyfriend.

[Megan Gailey]

Friend.

[Guest Speaker]

I honestly. We should do a remix together.

[Jordan Firstman]

We should do something.

[Guest Speaker]

No, there's, like, a couple tracks I have. I have, like, a techno song called I'm Hoarding. Come.

[Jordan Firstman]

He would love that.

[Guest Speaker]

I think. I think he will. Really? With.

[Jordan Firstman]

Okay, well, I can't think of a better place to take advice. You've both been a delight. This was a miserable and hilarious episode. I love you both. Have a wonderful day. Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jamila Jamil, and Stuart Bailey. Thank you to our launch producer, Eve Bishop, our editor, Shannon Joy Rogers, and consulting producer, Colin Anderson. And don't forget to subscribe, like and review wherever you get your podcast.