Kat Bird and Ava Bunn

Summary

Podcast Summary: Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil – Kat Bird and Ava Barn

Release Date: April 9, 2026
Host: Jameela Jamil
Guests: Kat Bird (Comedian, Actress), Ava Barn (Comedian, Actress)

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Overview

In this hilariously unfiltered episode of Wrong Turns, Jameela Jamil is joined by comedians Kat Bird and Ava Barn. True to the show’s spirit of “where dignity goes to die,” Kat and Ava share their most mortifying, awkward, and unexpected personal disasters—no silver linings, just raw, relatable self-deprecation. From disastrous dates to humiliating auditions and all the accidental bodily functions in between, this episode is a collection of wild stories guaranteed to make anyone feel a little better about their own missteps.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Living Situations and Surviving Chaos (02:23–08:20)

• Opening Banter: The group bonds over tech issues, joking about how failed setups reveal people's true characters.
• Living with Siblings and Bandmates
  • Ava shares what it's like living with her brother and his band. She notes the lack of romantic prospects and the unique dynamic of being the only woman in a house full of men.

    “Me and the bro in the Valley...” – Ava Barn [05:17]

  • Kat and Jameela compare living with male vs. female roommates. Jameela recounts the tale of a female flatmate who went full Mr. Hyde after a single glass of wine, would cook drunk, wander naked, and deny it all.

    “I think you learn who people are during chaos, and we were all lovely...” – Jameela [04:08] “She would make pasta when she was drunk… then the pasta would eventually catch fire...” – Jameela [06:35]

2. Micro-Humiliations: Embarrassing Short Stories (09:11–13:50)

Kat’s “Hand Job for Bin Laden” Date

• After a 7-year relationship, Kat dips her toe into LA dating. Her first app date ends with her giving a hand job to a 27-year-old while he insists on watching an Osama bin Laden documentary as mood music.

  “He puts the Osama bin Laden documentary on in the back... this is what I wanna listen to.” – Kat Bird [11:06] “A hand job for bin Laden.” – Kat Bird [11:43]

• Ava and Jameela are both horrified and in stitches; the dark absurdity sets the tone for what's to come.

Threesome Thwarted by Michael B. Jordan... Kind Of

• Kat shares her awkward experience going to a woman’s home for a three-way, only to be greeted by a life-size Michael B. Jordan pillow. The actual guy arrives later, but Kat finds herself a bystander, sitting with the pillow and trying to stay “sexy” in the background for 35 minutes.

  “I felt like I was kind of a cuck in this situation because they were going at it and I was just there with Michael.” – Kat Bird [17:14] “You can’t really kick your feet up and watch Netflix, you know?” – Kat Bird [17:41]

Ava’s Cholesterol Call

• In bed with a guy (already “humiliating”), Ava interrupts intimacy to take a call, convinced it might be a big casting opportunity. Instead, it's her doctor warning her she has “extremely high cholesterol for someone your age,” apparently from eating too many eggs.

  “Sorry, I, like, have to answer it. You never know when it’s gonna be, like, a casting director.” – Ava Barn [21:51] “Girl, you’re eating too many eggs.” – Ava’s doctor, recounted by Ava [23:15]

Bonus: The Unfortunate Fart

• The same guy, perhaps encouraged by Ava's down-to-earth vibe, farts loudly in bed by pulling his legs up in a “happy baby yoga”/diaper change position.

  “He pulled his asshole up like a baby that’s about to have it wiped.” – Jameela [24:48]

3. Big Wrong Turns: Disaster Tales (27:13–40:04)

Kat’s Date with the Pasta Lover (27:25–32:33)

• Kat recounts a college date with a hot water polo player. At dinner, he prematurely ejaculates simply as the pasta arrives.

  "He took me out to Italian dinner... and he comes in his pants." – Kat Bird [28:18] “Because of the pasta?” – Jameela [28:31]

• Later, after drinking, they go back to Kat’s place. She wakes up at night to find him urinating all over her books, nearly hitting her laptop.

  “He’s woken up and started to pee all over my books, and he’s headed towards my laptop..." – Kat Bird [31:29] “You gotta go. You gotta go. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” – Kat Bird [33:10]

Ava’s Zoom Audition Shart (34:41–39:44)

• While waiting for a Zoom audition with Mindy Kaling, Ava, having drunk only coffee that day, tries to hold back some gas. As panic sets in, she sharts in her pants—moments before the audition begins.

  "I sharded in my pants. And I’m sitting in it. Moments later, in comes Mindy..." – Ava Barn [36:27] “God forbid they ask for a full body slate.” – Kat Bird [37:15]

• Ava perseveres and even heads to a Zumba instructor audition afterward (having cleaned up), only to be rejected from both opportunities the same day.

  “I sharted today but I’m still doing Zumba.” – Kat Bird [37:54]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On LA Dating:

  "I just want to do standup. The energy that goes on into dating… feels like it should be a full time job sometimes." – Kat Bird [04:31]

• Jameela on roommate gaslighting:

  "She would take all her clothes off and just walk through the house, like, completely naked... She was fully gaslighting me so effectively that I was like, is she wearing a dressing gown? And I’m a pervert who has X ray vision?” – Jameela Jamil [07:05]

• On sexual misadventures:

  “You didn’t have sex or you did have sex to the bin Laden documentary?” – Jameela Jamil [11:40] “A hand job. One hand job. A hand job for bin Laden.” – Kat Bird [11:43]

• The infamous pasta date:

  “He took me out to Italian dinner... and he comes in his pants.” – Kat Bird [28:18] “Is the spaghetti skinnier than me?” – Jameela Jamil [30:21]

• On professional (and digestive) perseverance:

  “I sharted in my pants. And I’m sitting in it. Moments later, in comes Mindy... Hi, please put me on Sex Lives of College Girls.” – Ava Barn [36:27] “You deserve it. You are a champion and you fought through something insane... covered in your own shit is unfucking believable.” – Jameela Jamil [39:08]

• Listener Story Wrap:

  “Never once have I been so powerful in sex that I've caused an injury that only NFL players get.” – Kat Bird [44:43]

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Listener Story Highlight (41:58–46:15)

• Jess and the Firefighter:
  Jess describes having sex with a firefighter at his station—but each time they’re interrupted, once by an alarm and another time by his ACL tearing at the moment of climax. Jess’s passionate “signature moves” rupture his knee a second time.

  "I was bringing him to orgasm by riding him..."
  “When I put my hands back and let the majority of my weight press on both of his knees, this caused his ACL to rupture again. Oblivious... I kept going, thinking he was really enjoying the moment.” – Jess (listener story) [42:30–44:40]

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Timestamps of Key Segments

• 02:23 – Show Introduction, Meet the Guests, Life Updates
• 06:35 – Drunk Roommate Nightmares
• 09:11 – Micro-Humiliations: Kat’s First Date After Divorce (Hand Job for Bin Laden)
• 13:46 – Threesome with Unexpected Pillow Guest (Michael B. Jordan)
• 21:29 – Ava’s Egg-Related Cholesterol Call + Bedside Fart Fiasco
• 27:25 – Kat’s Big Wrong Turn: Pasta Date Ejaculation & Book-Peeing
• 34:41 – Ava’s Big Wrong Turn: Zoom Sharts & Zumba Rejection
• 41:58 – Listener Story: Jess, The Firefighter, and ACL Catastrophes
• 46:32 – Plugs and Farewells

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Final Thoughts & Takeaways

• The episode revels shamelessly in personal disaster, perfectly balancing self-deprecating humor with genuine moments of “oh no, not that!” relatability.
• Both guests play off Jameela’s deadpan warmth, painting a candid (often R-rated) portrait of what happens when things go wrong.
• No one is above disaster—dating, careers, and even pasta can lead to new lows.
• Listener stories fit right in, proving no shame is too great for the Wrong Turns community.

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Where to Find the Guests

• Kat Bird:
  Instagram: @katbirdcomedy
  Tour schedule at katbirdcomedy.com

• Ava Barn:
  Instagram: @avamariebunn
  Monthly show: Late Bloomers (NY/LA)
  On “Scrubs” (ABC)

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Listen to the full episode for the unfiltered chaos, and maybe even feel grateful your own disasters never involved pasta, bidets, or a well-timed Zoom shart.

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"Jess, you’re a legend. Ava, you’re a legend. Kat, you’re a legend. Oh my God. The two of you are just unbelievable. I’m so honored to have met you both.” — Jameela Jamil [46:16]

Transcript

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[Kat Bird]

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[Kat Bird]

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[Jameela Jamil]

Guys, just before I start this episode, I need you to know that Wrong Turns is coming to a live audience. Finally, in the United States as part of Netflix is a Joke Fest, which I am myself about. We're going to be at the Avalon Theater in Los Angeles on May 4th at 7pm and I will be thankfully joined on stage by three people who are so funny that I think it guarantees an amazing night. I'm talking about Lamorne Morris, who is Winston from New Girl. Winnie the Bish the icon. He's so funny in person. Also, we have Lisa Traeger, who I'm a massive fan of and have been posting about her for years like like a proper fan girl stalker freak and I've wanted to have her on the show for so long and I'm finally getting to meet her live on stage. And then we're also being joined by the man of the moment. I don't know how he fit us into his schedule because he's everywhere right now. I'm talking about the world's most unique comic, Chris Fleming. Those three will be joining me on stage, as well as some audience members who will be bravely reading out their wrong turns. So if you want to join us for some abject filth and chaos, you want to leave the kids behind and come do something memorable and terribly naughty, then join us. You can find the tickets on the Netflix as a Joke Fest website or at the bio in my Instagram. I'm so scared, but I'm so excited and I can't wait to see you there. Okay, now time for the episode. Okay.

[Kat Bird]

Okay, let's go.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yay.

[Ava Barn]

Yay. You couldn't see that we're high fiving?

[Jameela Jamil]

I hoped that's what you were doing yeah. Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns, the podcast where dignity goes to die, where I get joined by my favorite funny people and they come on, they tell me their tales of woe so that we can all feel a bit better about our terrible decisions in life. Maybe even a little smug. And today, joining me, I have an actress and comedian who is an alumna of the Groundling. She played Sally Ride in the movie Sally, which played at the Sundance Film Festival. She's on tour all year, headlining and doing stand up with Bobby Lee. And she's performing at Hotel Cafe May 8 as part of the Netflix is a joke Festival. It's Cat Bird.

[Kat Bird]

Yay.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hello.

[Kat Bird]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well done on your life.

[Kat Bird]

Thank you so much.

[Jameela Jamil]

Also thrilled to welcome one of last year's new faces at Just for Laughs. And she's also a graduate of the Groundling. She's performed in A Man in Full and five Star Weekend. You can watch her each week on Scrubs on ABC and Hulu. And on May 8, she is also performing in the Netflix as a joke festival. Oh, God. Which one of us are we gonna go watch? I'm also doing Netflix as a joke festival. We're doing wrong turns on May 4th.

[Ava Barn]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

We can catch you doing your one woman show, Late Bloomers at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. It's Ava Barn. Yay.

[Ava Barn]

Hi. Thank you. Well done in your life.

[Jameela Jamil]

How are you both? You all right, guys?

[Kat Bird]

Yeah, I think so. I think we're good.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah, we're doing good.

[Kat Bird]

This feels very healing, this whole experience so far.

[Jameela Jamil]

So, yeah, it's been a fucking disaster. We've spent 30 minutes trying to get all the TEC going, but I feel as though we've hit rock bottom and the only way is up now.

[Kat Bird]

Yes, that's how it goes usually.

[Jameela Jamil]

But I also think you learn who people are during chaos, and we were all lovely. And I feel like if stranded on a desert island together, we wouldn't know which one of us to eat first.

[Kat Bird]

It would be hard because we would just be like, no, I'll die. If you die, I'll die. Yeah, yeah. Be very polite.

[Jameela Jamil]

Cat. Is life treating you well? Lots of disasters or are you kind of in a good place at the moment? You seem in a good place.

[Kat Bird]

I'm okay, actually, right now. I've kind of, like, taken a step back from dating and whatnot. Just because it became so chaotic in my life where I was like, I just want to do standup. And all of a sudden I have these insane, like, the energy that goes on into dating. You know, it feels like it should be a full time job sometimes. So I'm feeling good.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, it is. But that explains why you're glowing.

[Kat Bird]

Oh, really?

[Jameela Jamil]

I think Dick withdraws from our chi, and I think you just seem good and. Well, what about you, Ava? How's life treating you?

[Ava Barn]

It's good. I'm in a similar boat. I'm just like, I'm vibing. I'm kind of. I'm living with my brother right now, so, you know, not a lot of dating goes on in my life.

[Kat Bird]

It's just.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah. Me and the bro in the Valley.

[Jameela Jamil]

How is that? What's the age gap?

[Ava Barn]

We're a year apart, so he's in a band. I actually live with him and his entire band.

[Kat Bird]

And that sounds awesome.

[Jameela Jamil]

Does anyone from his band try to kiss you?

[Ava Barn]

So actually, no. Which I'm, like, kind of hurt by in a way. But, like, no one, really.

[Jameela Jamil]

We also.

[Ava Barn]

We have the same face. Like, me and my brother have the exact same face. So I could see why that would be jarring for them. But it's.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And you don't want to kill each other. Cause it's so hard for adult siblings to make that work.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah.

[Ava Barn]

I think I've grown a thicker skin in the boy house. Like, it's just a lot. Cause I feel like, not to be like, binary about it, but with like, girl roommates. I'm apologizing a lot. Like, there's a lot of, like, oh,

[Kat Bird]

all the subtleties of being like, oh, my God, you didn't do that one fork this way. You're like, okay, I'm sorry.

[Ava Barn]

It's like, if you try to be like, hey, like, the sink's still full of dishes. Like, it's all very passive aggressive, kind of. And then with the boys, they're like, do the freaking dishes. And then it's just. Everybody just. You just do it. Like, it's just.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've mostly lived with men. I've only lived with one woman once, and she was phenomenal. But I've mostly lived with men. I had one girl flatmate who was not passive aggressive. She was the opposite. She would make pasta when she was drunk and forget and go to her bedroom. And then the pasta would eventually catch fire because the water had evaporated. And then the kitchen would be on fire. And she was one of those people who would completely transform personality after just one, like, truly one small glass of wine. Like, gone. Like the woman we know gone. And she would. She would take all her clothes off and just walk through the house, like, completely naked. And I'd be like, terrible. Hey, do you know? Because we have guys in the house as well. It's like, hey, you're naked. Hey. And she's like, no, I'm not. And I'm like, yes, in fact, you are. I think you'll find you are completely naked. And she's like, no, I'm not. I'm wearing a dressing gown. There was no dressing gown on her person, but she was fully gaslighting me so effectively that I was like, is she wearing a dressing gown? And I'm a pervert who has X ray vision who can see her pussy through the dressing gown. But no. And she'd be. And then I'd be like. She'd have like. I used to make my own cashew nut butter. Because I was. That's what you do when you're single, you know, back in the day. And she had, like, brown cashew nut butter, like, all across her teeth. And I was like, okay, so. Okay, so you're fully clothed and I'm crazy. I was like, have you eaten any of my nut butter? And she was like, I'm allergic to nuts. No. And I was like, okay, good. I'm not crazy. You're fucking nuts. But that is, unfortunately, there are upsides and downsides to living with men. But I agree with you that the straightforward. They're full on aggression.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah, that sounds psychotic.

[Ava Barn]

That's why it's good.

[Kat Bird]

That's like a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde situation.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was fucking stressful.

[Kat Bird]

Would she wake up and just be, like, normal?

[Jameela Jamil]

No recollection.

[Ava Barn]

Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

She'd be stunned.

[Kat Bird]

Stunned.

[Jameela Jamil]

But then would keep drinking because she didn't remember it. She didn't have to deal with it. Like, everything would be aflame.

[Kat Bird]

Wouldn't that be right?

[Jameela Jamil]

And she would just be so confused

[Kat Bird]

if she really did have a nut allergy. And then, like, when she's drunk, she's woke, so she's like. Just like an epileptic shock. That would be awful.

[Jameela Jamil]

I had to move out because I was like, this woman's gonna die and I'm gonna somehow get the blame for it or I'm gonna kill her. You know, one of the two things,

[Ava Barn]

or it will be literally your fault.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay, so just to give us a kind of feel for how you handle humiliation, I always ask for two kind of little micro humiliations just to dose us up. Do you think that, Kat, you could. You could start us off with one of yours?

[Kat Bird]

Oh, yeah. Okay. So I. Yeah, the first time I was basically I was married. I was basically married. No, I was basically married for seven years. And then I got single. And the first date that I ever went on.

[Jameela Jamil]

I love that you say that like, I got Covid.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah, I got single. Well, it feels like that sometimes, to be honest. And the first day I went on, it was with this guy who's, like, 28 years old, and it was pretty like, we're just like, let's just hook up. Like, I didn't want any strings attached. So we go to his house and.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. As someone who never got to do that.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

So I'm very bad at flirting.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

How does that go? Like, who says it? How do you say it?

[Kat Bird]

Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

Asking for a friend who is me.

[Kat Bird]

Yes. So basically, I went on the apps. I had never gone on the apps before because I had been in a relationship before. Like, apps had become what they are today, basically. You know? So I go on the apps. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna figure this out. And because I'm a comic, and they have prompts on the. On the apps, I was like, oh, this is awesome. You know, like, just little writing prompts. And one of them was like, dating me is like. And I was like, oh, this is great. Like, I'm gonna have so much fun. So I put. So I put dating me is like a tote bag, because I like to get passed around. And it was a joke. Okay. It was a joke.

[Ava Barn]

Whoa.

[Kat Bird]

I thought it was funny. And, like, people are gonna be, like, taking that. But then. Yeah. So anyway, it attracted a lot of weirdos.

[Ava Barn]

Oh, my God.

[Kat Bird]

Which makes sense. Well, okay, the other one I had was, Dating me is like a deck of cards, because I like to get fingered in Vegas.

[Ava Barn]

So.

[Kat Bird]

But I didn't use that one. So anyway, so this guy and I, we match, and he seems fine, and we just start kissing.

[Jameela Jamil]

And we.

[Kat Bird]

He's like, I'm gonna put some music on. I was like, okay, great. And then he puts the Osama bin Laden documentary on in the back. And I thought it was a mistake. And I was like, oh, I thought you were gonna be putting music on. And he's like, no, this is what I wanna listen to. And I was like, oh, my God. And then in my head, I was like, well, maybe he's, like, too young to remember. Cause he's, like, 27. And then I was like, oh, this is. Did you. Were you. Do you know what this is? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just like it. It helps me go to bed. I was like, oh my God. And then I left after that. Immediately left after that.

[Jameela Jamil]

You didn't have sex or you did have sex to the bin Laden documentary?

[Kat Bird]

I mean, I tried to be like, mind you go, okay, hand job. One hand job. A hand job for bin Laden.

[Ava Barn]

Okay, what point in the documentary?

[Kat Bird]

Okay, it was like, around Tower seven. No, I.

[Jameela Jamil]

Just kidding. I'm obsessed with you.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

So I'm obsessed with you. That's insane.

[Kat Bird]

I will never forget.

[Ava Barn]

That is unreal.

[Kat Bird]

It is crazy, right? I couldn't believe that. It was like, there was no mistake, you know? Cuz I definitely checked in and was like, are you sure this is what you want to listen? He's like, no, no, I like this.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I was like, oh, my God, that is horrifying. I was talking recently about a friend of mine who was having sex with a guy and they were having sex while a movie was on that they'd both elected to watch. But then they were having. As they were having sex, the programming moved on to the next show and it was a documentary of the comedian Ramesh Ranganathan. He's a big comic in England. And he was having a colonic irrigation, an explicit one where they're filming the chunks of poop going out into the pipe, like, you know, and analyzing it and zooming in on it. And I thought she had to have full penetrative sex too.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah, she had.

[Jameela Jamil]

She had to. She just like, it was too strange to stop. But at least that was accidental. It is so deeply terrifying. It's like he was gonna terrorize your pussy. I think you're.

[Kat Bird]

I mean, which I'm not. Like, that kind of sounds fun, you

[Ava Barn]

know, like, terrorize that pussy. Well, I thought you were gonna say the bin Laden song by the Lonely island is what he put on.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is an amazing song.

[Ava Barn]

It's such a good song.

[Kat Bird]

Okay, I gotta listen to it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, is it I'm Gonna Fuck youk Like America Fucked bin Laden.

[Ava Barn]

Mm, okay. Yeah, Fuck you harder than the US Military. Fuck bin Laden.

[Kat Bird]

That's great. That's great. Find you in a cave kind of thing.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, well, now you have a zone.

[Kat Bird]

Okay. Yeah.

[Ava Barn]

Invade your cave with my special unit.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm being told there's also a threesome story that you have, Kat.

[Kat Bird]

Oh, yes, yes. Okay, well, I know, but hold on. Like, I have.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, shut up. You live with your brother. You have your brothers ahead of you

[Kat Bird]

and his hot friends. No, I'm just kidding. But I. Yeah, so basically that the bin Laden story happened and I was like, I gotta. Is this what dating? Because everyone talks like dating in LA is hard. I was like, oh, this is what they're talking about. And then I went on that app field. Has everyone heard about that?

[Ava Barn]

I've heard of this.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh yes.

[Kat Bird]

So this one's weird because it's like, it's all the kinky stuff.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, it's fetishes, right? It's like, yeah, but it'll be like,

[Kat Bird]

oh, I like Sub Dom, but also Free Palestine. Like there's like a weird political awareness.

[Jameela Jamil]

There's an extraordinary amount of virtue signaling.

[Kat Bird]

So weird.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, it's really strange.

[Kat Bird]

I just don't not understand like, oh, I like feet and also fuck ice. Like I just don't get the kind of collab here. But anyway, so yeah, I went into. This woman started talking to me, we had met before and she's like, oh, would you ever want to have a threesome? I was like, oh, sure, why not? You know, I'm available on Wednesday. And she was like, okay, get to my house at 9:30 sharp. PM. PM yeah, yeah, AM. Could you imagine? Oh God.

[Ava Barn]

Whoa.

[Kat Bird]

That would be weird. And so I get there and she opens the door and I'm like, okay. She looks fine and like normal and stuff. And then she shows me around her house and I see this life size pillow of Michael B. Jordan.

[Ava Barn]

Mm mm.

[Kat Bird]

And my first thought, I was like, oh, no, I hope that's not the threesome, you know?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, I really hope it is the threesome.

[Kat Bird]

You do?

[Ava Barn]

Like, I'm praying for this.

[Jameela Jamil]

For you, not for me.

[Kat Bird]

It wasn't the threesome. This guy appeared like 10, 15 minutes later, but it was the longest.

[Jameela Jamil]

15 minutes is crazy to wait out. You're not gonna fuck a pillow of Michael B. Jordan.

[Ava Barn]

That's crazy.

[Kat Bird]

And I didn't wanna be rude and ask and be like, oh, is this the threesome? Cause I was like, maybe I shouldn't have assumed. Like, I don't know, there's so much weird.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, so did you, did you try anything? Like to. Cause I have a feeling I'm such a people pleaser. I think I'd try and start caressing the thigh of the pillow of Michael B. Jordan to not make her feel silly. Yeah, in the moment.

[Kat Bird]

I'm with you on that one because I was like, I'm the same. I'm a people pleaser. And once I saw the pillow, I took a deep breath and I was like, this is gonna be the night, you know? This is gonna be the night. Whatever happens.

[Ava Barn]

That's wild. That's wild.

[Kat Bird]

Whatever happens is gonna happen. Like, I don't wanna make. I don't want to shame this woman. She's invited me.

[Ava Barn]

I'd shame her. Would she shame her? Yes.

[Kat Bird]

She'd probably be into it. Honestly.

[Ava Barn]

No. I'd be like, girl, that's not happening for me.

[Kat Bird]

You would just go, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know what, though? Of all the pillows you could have.

[Kat Bird]

I know.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think she's chosen very well.

[Kat Bird]

Imagine if it was like Joe Biden. I'd be like, oh, God. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

You'd be too turned on. You'd be done by the other person.

[Ava Barn]

That'd be too much. You wouldn't even remember she's there.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, so how was the threesome? Because it's really a foursome at that point. Then, like, someone else turns out.

[Kat Bird]

Well, Michael B. Was kind of the cuck in the situation, but.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is a first time for him for sure.

[Kat Bird]

For sure. And, you know, I felt like I was kind of a cuck in this situation because they were going at it and then I was kind of just in the background, like, okay, I'll just sit here, you know, like, with Michael. With Michael. Yeah. And it's weird in that situation because I don't think you can. When, like two people are hooking up in front of you and you're supposed to be part of it, you can't really, like, kick your feet up and like, watch Netflix, you know, you kind of got it like still. Sit still.

[Jameela Jamil]

You can't get on your phone. Yeah, yeah. So. Oh, my God. So what do you do?

[Kat Bird]

I don't. I kind of just stayed sexy and like.

[Jameela Jamil]

Did you play with your hair?

[Ava Barn]

What did you do? Like that? Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Play with your boobs.

[Kat Bird]

I was just like shimmying in the back, you know, just trying to, I don't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, how long did it go on?

[Kat Bird]

At least 35 minutes.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is so intensely long to watch two other people have sex.

[Kat Bird]

It was so long. That's wild. And then we did this weird thing where like, okay, we like it all. They finished and I was just kind of like, so where do, you know, do you guys want to get like dinner or do you want to do like brunch tomorrow or something? And they're like, no, this is like a one time thing. I was like, okay, yeah, totally. And then that was the last I ever heard of him, actually. No, the guy, he messaged me later that day. He was like, that was really fun, right? And I was like, no, it was not fun.

[Ava Barn]

Is that what he talked like yeah,

[Kat Bird]

he's like, that was awesome. Right? I was like, just for me and Michael. But that was it really.

[Jameela Jamil]

I just know that would happen to me in a threesome. That's why I've never had one. I wouldn't know how to get involved and then I'd just be left out and I would get on my phone and then that thing would happen, which is the most mortifying thing, which is when you haven't turned your volume down. So it's just like a bomb has just been dropped on Pakistan. Would just suddenly like come up on my feed or. Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. And then just turn the volume down slowly. Yeah, I'm terrified of that. A friend of mine had a big orgy and it was like loads of women, some of whom are well known and like models and actresses. And then just one guy.

[Kat Bird]

Oh my gosh. His lucky day. Jesus.

[Jameela Jamil]

His like the day of your dreams. Everyone's hot. Everyone's like his type. And the pressure, the pressure was too much.

[Kat Bird]

He couldn't perform.

[Jameela Jamil]

He could not perform and had 20 to 30 witnesses and it was pretty upsetting. And he's also a well known person, so it was just like absolutely fucking diabolical. But it like terrorized all the men I know who've always dreamed of being the only man in an orgy when now they've all got the dick fear. Because, like, it's totally fair. That is a huge feat.

[Ava Barn]

Terrifying.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah. I feel bad because it's like, we can get ready, but imagine if women had to like have boners.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, yeah.

[Kat Bird]

And we'd have to perform. I'd be like, that would. I mean, we'd probably be fine. But I do think that would be a lot of pressure.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. It's so unbelievably intense. But I will never get the image of you and a pillow of Michael B. Jordan watching two other people fuck.

[Kat Bird]

Thank you so much.

[Ava Barn]

Oh, that's crazy.

[Kat Bird]

I hope to have him by my gravestone.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I hope you get to do it in real life with him sometimes.

[Kat Bird]

Me too.

[Jameela Jamil]

When you see him at things, do you feel closer to him now when you see him because you feel like you've had that experience together?

[Kat Bird]

Yeah. In my head I'm like, if only you knew, you know, if only you knew what I know about you. But then I also think that maybe out there there's a life size pillow of you two somewhere. You don't know that.

[Jameela Jamil]

And you. I'm gonna get one made and send it to your house.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah, that would be crazy. Yeah. Isn't that kind of wild?

[Ava Barn]

So is it pillow image of him on the pillow, or is there, like, arms?

[Kat Bird]

His arms. And then you turn him around and it's his backside.

[Ava Barn]

No.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay, well, we're not gonna take a UV light to that pillow anytime soon.

[Ava Barn]

That's insane.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I'm obsessed with her. I think that's great. Okay, Ava, hey, tell me your micro humiliation.

[Ava Barn]

Okay. My micro humiliation. I was in bed with a boy, and already humiliating. And it was like, right after I graduated college and I'm trying to be an actor, and he. Not an actor, not in the industry. And I got a phone call from a random LA number, and I, because I was so delusional, said to him, sorry, I, like, have to answer it. You never know when it's gonna be, like, a casting director, which is bold,

[Kat Bird]

and I love it, though. Yeah, good for you.

[Ava Barn]

Thanks. And I answer it, and he's laying right there. You can hear. And then they were like, hi, this is Brent View Medical center with your blood test results. Is now a good time? And I was like, yeah. Because I was like, this is just Artie. And then they were like, yeah, so you have extremely high cholesterol for someone your age, which is just our. Just not hot. And then I was like, okay. And then he's looking at me like, do you want me to step out? And I was like, no, it's fine. And I was like, yeah, I don't know if I can. They were like, yeah. We're looking over your reports, and we believe it's from the amount of eggs you're saying you're eating every day. Yeah. And they're just talking about how. And they're like, so we just like to go over your dietary. And I was like, I'm good. I'm good. We're good.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think that is so unbelievably humbling. After you've made it sound like you're about to get the big call of your career, you know, like, I'm so sorry, this might be Martin Scorsese. And then it is.

[Ava Barn]

They're like, girl, you're eating too many eggs.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's incredibly unhot. Were you able to make a moment of it afterwards? Or was the moment kind of. Did the moment pass us by? No.

[Ava Barn]

I mean, rarely do I ever make a moment in general, let alone saving a moment is quite difficult.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, you're fighting for your life. You've got very high cholesterol. It doesn't surprise me at all. I'm fighting for my life.

[Kat Bird]

That guy could probably relate. Honestly, he's like, dude, I have high cholesterol too.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah, probably someone. Well, okay. And then this is actually not at all what I was gonna share, but that same guy, I think because I give off such a, like a. I don't know what vibe it is that I give off that warrants this. But it's not just him. But this has happened with other people where like he then like farted full volume in the bed.

[Kat Bird]

Oh no.

[Ava Barn]

Like in a way that he thought like I was gonna find extremely funny and endearing.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, so did he actually force it out? Like did he.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah, he pulled up his legs and went like just fully shot it out.

[Kat Bird]

Is this post egg situation or pre egg?

[Ava Barn]

I don't know where in the timeline this would be but. And this isn't someone I was like seeing like multiple times. But also, and I've discussed this before, I love a good fart. I think it is funny, but there was something in that moment that I was like, damn. Actually this is the one time I wish we could be like hot maybe.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. There's also something very, very specific about the way that he didn't. He didn't just lean and do a little funny one like in a funny position. He pulled his asshole up like a baby that's about to have it wiped.

[Ava Barn]

Yes.

[Kat Bird]

It's a very happy baby yoga.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a very specific diaper.

[Ava Barn]

And that's a diaper change.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a diaper change. He's in a position.

[Kat Bird]

You're his mommy at that point.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. It feels like he's trying to shit into your mouth is what I feel viscerally from that.

[Kat Bird]

Here's some high cholesterol. Yeah, yeah.

[Ava Barn]

Really.

[Jameela Jamil]

Here's some iron.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Fucking disgusting. I'm so sorry. Let's go to a quick break.

[Ad Voice]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

[Jameela Jamil]

Lunch was great, but this traffic is awful.

[Kat Bird]

Um, can we stop at a bathroom?

[Ava Barn]

Are you alright?

[Kat Bird]

I keep having stomach issues after eating like diarrhea, gas and bloating, abdominal pain and sometimes oily stools.

[Ava Barn]

Sound familiar?

[Jameela Jamil]

Those stomach issues may actually be a pancreas issue called exocrine pancreatic insufficiency or epi. Creon pancrelipase may help manage epi creon is a prescription medicine used to treat people who can't digest food normally because their pancreas doesn't make enough enzymes.

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[Kat Bird]

about EPI and if Creon could help with Plan B. Emergency contraception. We're in control of our future. It's backup birth control you take after unprotected sex that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts.

[Jameela Jamil]

It works by temporarily delaying ovulation and

[Kat Bird]

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[Ava Barn]

Together, we got this.

[Kat Bird]

Follow Plan B on Insta at planbe. One step to learn more. Use as directed.

[Jameela Jamil]

And we are back. Okay, it's time for our big wrong turn. This is your moment to really make the listener feel better about their lives. Kat, where do you feel?

[Kat Bird]

I'm afraid because mine is bad. It's really bad.

[Jameela Jamil]

We've heard everything. We've heard of a bride shitting up her back. We've heard of people fucking during, like, a break in. Like, don't worry, you can't be. I believe that there is no flaw that you'll be able to break through. But if you do, I will probably send you some money. So.

[Kat Bird]

Okay, let's hope.

[Jameela Jamil]

Let's fucking go.

[Kat Bird]

Okay, so this was. I was in college. It was my junior year in college. And I went on this date, first date with this guy who's super hot. He was on the water polo team. And he took me out to Italian dinner. We went to pasta, and we're chatting, we're drinking a little bit, and then the pasta comes and he comes in his pants.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, sort of like. Do you mean poetically?

[Kat Bird]

No. What do you Mean, like, he. He like. He, like, comes in his pants. He premature, yet he just, like.

[Jameela Jamil]

Because of the pasta.

[Kat Bird]

That was my question. I was like.

[Jameela Jamil]

Because actually, like, I've never found anything more relatable in my life.

[Kat Bird]

Yes.

[Ava Barn]

I mean, I would be able to

[Jameela Jamil]

come when food arrives, because that's how I feel.

[Kat Bird]

I do come.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Yes.

[Kat Bird]

Well, I think it was the pasta.

[Jameela Jamil]

It might be the only appropriate reaction I've actually ever heard of to pasta, but that is remarkable.

[Kat Bird]

It was because he even told me because, like, some, you know, sometimes you could just like, dust it off or whatever. Dust it off, you know.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, so did he make like a cum face and a cum sound? Was he like, the whole thing?

[Ava Barn]

Wait, was the waiter putting it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do your best impression of it.

[Kat Bird]

Okay. Pasta.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. What

[Kat Bird]

I just came and seen. Yeah. So that was it. The parmesan's being put on. Tell me one. So that was. And then. Yeah, that was pretty horrifying because I was like. I wanted to deny that that's what was happening, you know? But then he told me it happen, so there's no denying it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Did he get up and go to the bathroom?

[Kat Bird]

No. In his.

[Jameela Jamil]

Come and eat the entire. Okay.

[Kat Bird]

He sat. He sat in it.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know what? They're not lonely enough. Men are not lonely enough.

[Kat Bird]

That's what.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm sorry.

[Kat Bird]

So he sat in it. And then at that point, I mean, I was just in, like. I was like. Well, I don't know if he came because he saw me, you know, I. And then I got really insecure for a long time. I got, like, weirdly insecure about pasta. Like, whenever I went on a date.

[Jameela Jamil]

Is the spaghetti skinnier than me?

[Ava Barn]

Yeah.

[Kat Bird]

Those meatballs have bigger boobs than I

[Jameela Jamil]

curved on a fusilli. Yeah.

[Kat Bird]

But I did, like, it was weird. I had a weird relationship to pasta for a long time because of this guy. Can't imagine. And so. But anyway, like, you do. The people pleaser in us were like, oh, we're just gonna. We're just gonna, you know, say yes and continue drinking and hopefully this goes away. And so I.

[Ava Barn]

We.

[Kat Bird]

I got drunk and he started to get pretty drunk, I think. And so I. We go back to my studio apartment and we're, like, making out. And then I fall asleep. I get, like, too drunk. I fall asleep. And then halfway in the night, halfway through the night, I hear peeing. And he's woken up and started to pee all over my books, and he's headed towards my laptop. I, like, wake up and I'm like, oh, no. And I just see his, like, fucking wiener heading towards, like, a spout. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Ava Barn]

No.

[Kat Bird]

And then I was like, you gotta go.

[Jameela Jamil]

You gotta go. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck was happening? Was he conscious? Was he awake? Is he a pervert? Like, was he asleepwalking?

[Kat Bird]

I don't think he was. I want to assume that he was not. Like, he was just like.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, because I've told a story on this about my friend.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Who peed on so many of his girlfriend's laptops, she had to break up with him because it was just financially not equitable. Like, he would open it like it was the toilet seat, and then he would close it again afterwards because his mother raised him right. There you go. He'd pee into it, close the laptop, flush something that wasn't there, and then go back to bed.

[Kat Bird]

Flush the mouse.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. But he was like a homing pigeon for her laptop, wherever she would put it in the room, and he would open it and pee. So I wonder if you fucked my friend is what I'm wondering.

[Kat Bird]

There could be. He could be.

[Jameela Jamil]

We'll talk after the episode.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah, we'll get the names.

[Jameela Jamil]

Holy fucking shit.

[Kat Bird]

That was it. And, you know, I think I had. That's why I found my limit. And I think that's pretty good. Like, that. I tried to make the best of the situation, but.

[Jameela Jamil]

You really did. You're not a quitter, and I respect that about you.

[Kat Bird]

And. But also, he was very attractive, super hot and so mean. Like, a week later, my friend's like, oh, I want to go. I was gonna go on a date with him. And I was like, just don't go to an Italian restaurant, you know, Or, I don't know, hide your stuff. Hide your school supplies. I just gave her the lowdown of, like, you know, maybe just be careful.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, Sorry. Did he explain why he pissed all over your books?

[Kat Bird]

No, I didn't. I didn't inquire after that.

[Jameela Jamil]

You just kicked him out?

[Kat Bird]

Yeah, I just didn't need explanations.

[Ava Barn]

And when did you kick him out? What you did.

[Jameela Jamil]

In the middle of the night.

[Kat Bird]

In the middle of the night. Probably like, 3:34, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

But she did it to save her laptop.

[Kat Bird]

Three. Yeah, yeah. So that was. But, you know, then you see these people around town, and you're like, jesus, I have such a story for this.

[Jameela Jamil]

To this day, nobody knows. Oh, that's. That's insane. But now, like, I think I'm always gonna be underwhelmed if I Don't come in my pants for a pastor. If my boyfriend now doesn't come when I make him pasta, I'm gonna feel sad. You've now given me a weird relationship with pasta. Good.

[Kat Bird]

If that's all I can do from this story is just pass on.

[Jameela Jamil]

I just love the fact that men are on the Internet. Boys are on the Internet going, like, women only want a man who's six foot six with perfect cheekbones and a marvel body, and they have to be a billionaire with a car. And then someone has to be about to piss all over the inside of your laptop before you chuck them out.

[Kat Bird]

Totally. I mean, there's women out there that are really taking your rule the piss on their back. Yeah, we're putting it in the work.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah.

[Kat Bird]

I don't know. I tolerate, like, a lot of stuff when it comes to dating and stuff.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, you're imagining.

[Kat Bird]

Okay.

[Ava Barn]

I'm just trying to do some crazy shit back. Like, fight back.

[Kat Bird]

Do you think so?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah. Just have, like, some.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Like shit in his bag.

[Ava Barn]

Weird shit in his bag. Bag.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Kat Bird]

Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my goodness. Ava. All right. It's time. It was your big wrong turn.

[Kat Bird]

Okay?

[Ava Barn]

My big wrong turn. I got a zoom like session with a showrunner for this show that I really wanted to be a part of, and I was really excited. It is, again, like, within the same year of this egg situation. So I am sitting on the zoom in. You know, in like, a zoom waiting room for auditions. They don't. They kind of just hold you hostage, and it's like you have to just sit there, and it'll. It's like, we'll be with you in any moment, and then you sit there for, like, 20 minutes, and you're kind of waiting. So I'm waiting, and I was like, I could be brought in at any moment. And I had had a very large coffee that day, and really nothing else.

[Ad Voice]

Else.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And all of a sudden, I start having thoughts.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm.

[Ava Barn]

I'm far. I'm letting squeaking out farts. And then.

[Jameela Jamil]

Are they audible?

[Ava Barn]

Yeah, yeah, they're audible. And I'm in.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do the sound. Do the sound.

[Ava Barn]

Like, they're like squeaks.

[Kat Bird]

A little squeaks.

[Jameela Jamil]

That means it's fighting through something.

[Ava Barn]

It's fighting through something. It's fighting. And you know when you start to get. You get a burn.

[Kat Bird]

Oh, yeah.

[Ava Barn]

In your stomach, and you're like. And, like, you start to get almost pale and shaky. Like, it's like, I.

[Kat Bird]

It's happening.

[Ava Barn]

Yes, something's happening.

[Kat Bird]

It's happening.

[Ava Barn]

But I was like, if I get up and go to the bathroom and then I hear. I'll say it. Mindy Kaling going, good morning. And then.

[Kat Bird]

And she hears you.

[Ava Barn]

And then. So I was like, mindy's gonna hop on it any minute. And I. Oh, my God, I'm getting hot just thinking about it. I sharded in my pants.

[Jameela Jamil]

You poor thing.

[Ava Barn]

And I'm sitting in it.

[Kat Bird]

No.

[Ava Barn]

Moments later, in comes Mindy sitting there with, like, my bright pink sweater on, like, hi, please put me on Sex as a College Girls.

[Jameela Jamil]

And.

[Ava Barn]

And I shit my pants.

[Kat Bird]

And

[Ava Barn]

yeah, I had to just kind of keep going through that audition.

[Jameela Jamil]

And. But also for a woman, it's just different. It's worse because it's like, there's entrances.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Too close to each other, you know.

[Kat Bird]

Oh, God, I forgot that. Yeah.

[Ava Barn]

I'm fighting an infection.

[Kat Bird]

And it doesn't feel good.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, it doesn't feel good at all. Very hot. It's very hot.

[Ava Barn]

God forbid they ask for a full body sleeve.

[Kat Bird]

Oh, God. Like, stand up right now. You're like, I do a 360.

[Ava Barn]

I can't.

[Jameela Jamil]

Did you get the job?

[Ava Barn]

Well, so then that was kind of. This is the fun. So right after that, I had to run straight to LA Fitness for my Zumba instructor audition. Cause I, of course, didn't know if I was gonna be, you know, on a TV show or a Zumba instructor in North Hollywood. And so that's the time of my life I was at. And I. But also on the way to the Zumba, despite shitting my pants, I'm like, I'm going into this day job audition. I'm gonna end up in Hollywood. Like, I'm not gonna. Actually.

[Kat Bird]

I love the confidence of this all. You're like, I sharted today, but I'm still doing Zumba. That's crazy.

[Ava Barn]

And I go to the Zumba audition, and I didn't. I cleaned myself up before it. But then, like. And this, like, the owner of LA Fitness is, like, taking a vertical video of me, like, doing this Zumba. Like, it was so bad. Like, absolutely mortifying audition. And this woman was like, you should not be a Zumba instructor. Like, this is not, like. And then she had me improvise, like, body weights. Like, she had me hold, like, five pound weights and, like, dance to it. And I'm, like, shaking but trying to. Because I don't work out. I just, like, I just was like, free gym membership. Yeah. Because I'd use it. Totally. But anyways, then on the way back from the Zumba audition. I'm thinking, like, I don't even need that. And then my manager calls me and she was like, they're going in a different direction. You're. Oh, no. So didn't get the Zumba job. Didn't get sex lives in college, but I love it.

[Kat Bird]

But you did get an enema.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah, I got an enema and a uti. Two for one, two for one. I had to throw away my pants. Yeah. Really good.

[Jameela Jamil]

I hope Mindy sees this. It costs you in something because you deserve it. You are a champion and you fought through something insane. And you already have to suspend belief. And it's so embarrassing to do an audition over zoom, but to have done it whilst covered in your own shit is unfucking believable. And you're a legend, and I'm rooting for you all the way. Thank you.

[Kat Bird]

Totally. That's a dedication you never hear.

[Ava Barn]

No. Yeah. That's what people don't talk about.

[Kat Bird]

Totally.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah. That's method.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah, it was sort of method.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is Leonardo DiCaprio in the Revenant. Like, give her an Academy Award. Yeah.

[Kat Bird]

100%. Oh, my God.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah. It was already hard to be myself in that space, but then to kind of play a character on top, sort of. It's crazy.

[Jameela Jamil]

How could someone so young have eaten so much humble pie?

[Ava Barn]

I mean.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Already.

[Kat Bird]

And then shit it out. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm sorry.

[Kat Bird]

Oh, God.

[Ava Barn]

I'm sorry. Oh.

[Jameela Jamil]

These stories have been absolutely amazing today.

[Ad Voice]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay, I have to tell you, I was just looking on ebay, where I go for all kinds of things I love. And there it was.

[Ava Barn]

That hologram trading card.

[Kat Bird]

One of the rarest.

[Ad Voice]

The last one I needed for my set.

[Kat Bird]

Shiny like the designer handbag of my dreams. One of a kind. Ebay had it. And now everyone's asking, ooh, where'd you get your windshield wipers? Ebay has all the parts that fit my car. No more annoying, just beautiful.

[Jameela Jamil]

Millions of finds, each with a story. EBay, things people love.

[Kat Bird]

Hello, listeners.

[Ad Voice]

Meet Lisa.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hey there.

[Ad Voice]

Lisa runs an online boutique specializing in sustainable fashion.

[Kat Bird]

With Acast, she found a whole new

[Ad Voice]

way to reach eco conscious shoppers.

[Kat Bird]

Yep. I recorded a quick ad targeted listeners interested in fashion and sustainability using Acast's

[Ava Barn]

audience attributes targeting feature and set my budget. Before I knew it, people all over were hearing about my shop.

[Ad Voice]

Now that's a smart way to grow your business. Hey, Lisa, what's trending right now?

[Ava Barn]

Shopping sustainably.

[Jameela Jamil]

And my sales, of course.

[Ad Voice]

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[Jameela Jamil]

And we're back. Oh, my. Jesus Christ. Congratulations. Those two stories have both changed my body temperature.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was absolutely fine before I entered this chat, and now I am. I feel hot and cold at the same time. This is. Yeah, in, like, different parts of my body. You've both really done something chemical to me, which has never really happened on this show. So congratulations. Before you go, we have a listener story, we have incredible listeners, and they have the funniest stories. And today's offering is from the legend that is Jess. Okay, so Jess says, I thought it would be fun to fuck a firefighter, which is already my cup of tea because of bragging rights. Made even better by the fact he was suggesting we had sex at the fire station out of hours. So obviously I obliged. We had sex in the staff room, in the kitchen, and even by the fire engines. Surprisingly, he had made me climax quite easily. But just as he was about to come, the alarm started going off and he informed me needed to be out of there in a matter of minutes before the whole fire brigade arrived. Bit of a mood kill. So I wanted to revisit this unfinished business. But we had to put this on pause for a couple of months because he underwent ACL surgery from a hockey injury which had signed him off work the week before. He went back to work, still on crutches but able to hobble around. He decided this would be enough movement for me to come around his house and finish the job. Unfortunately for him, I'm very competitive and wanted to show him a really good time because obviously he'd fucked her all over the brigade. So she says I was using all my signature moves and after a long buildup, was bringing him to orgasm by riding him. Moments before he was about to come, I decided to put my hands behind me and really grind my hips into him, which is generally a great move in this case. And unbeknownst to me, in the moment when I put my hands back and let the majority of my weight press on both of his knees, this caused his ATL to rupture again. Oblivious to what had just happened, I thought the intense screams that were coming from his mouth were from pleasure, so I kept going, thinking he was really enjoying the moment. The reality was actually him in agony. And he proceeded to throw me off him. I tumbled onto the floor as he rocked like a little baby. I made my apologies and exited the house promptly. Neither of us ever spoke again after that until a year later when we bumped into each other in a bar. It turns he had to undergo the whole surgery again and was subsequently off work for another two months. Holy fucking shit, Jess. Jesus Christ on a bicycle. My God.

[Kat Bird]

Good for you. And never once have I been so powerful in sex that I've caused an injury that only NFL players get. Do you know what I mean? That's. That's crazy.

[Ava Barn]

If anything, I'm getting a charley horse. Yes. But that's like, yeah, it's really not causing injury.

[Jameela Jamil]

I love.

[Kat Bird]

Wow. She must be.

[Jameela Jamil]

I love how crazy her track record must be that when he screamed in agony, she accepted that as like, yep, that is the desired impact. Like, that's how much pleasure she's capable of giving someone. This is a goddess at work.

[Kat Bird]

Totally.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah. For him to be screaming and she's like, yeah. Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Kat Bird]

This is what I expected. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Kat Bird]

This is all. He's like, no. She's like, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Her grinding harder screaming is amazing.

[Kat Bird]

She's like, yeah.

[Ava Barn]

She said, I pulled out my signature moves.

[Kat Bird]

I was like, geez, you got those?

[Ava Barn]

I don't have those.

[Kat Bird]

I don't have any of those.

[Ava Barn]

I don't have those.

[Kat Bird]

Do you have them? Me?

[Jameela Jamil]

Do I have a signature move?

[Kat Bird]

Should we have set? I don't know. Do we need to?

[Jameela Jamil]

I have none. All I have is a roster of all the moves I can't do. That's the only thing I can roll out.

[Kat Bird]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Very good at missionary. I have no moves beyond that.

[Kat Bird]

I don't know. I think men should have the moves. I don't know. I don't know if women need all them. I thought we were the move.

[Ava Barn]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Me having tits is the move. Once I've pulled them out, I'm like, here's the move. Now I've done the move. Now you take us home.

[Kat Bird]

Check.

[Jameela Jamil]

Cause I did the big move.

[Kat Bird]

That's it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Jess, you're a legend. Ava, you're a legend. Kat, you're a legend. Oh, my God. The two of you are just unbelievable. I'm so honored to have met you both. Will you tell everyone where they can find you and what you want them to watch and where they can follow you, et cetera? Cat.

[Kat Bird]

Oh, yeah. So you can follow me on Instagram at Kat. Katbirdbird Comedy. And yeah, I've got my tour schedule right [e-mail] so you can find me around the country this year. So that's. That's me.

[Ava Barn]

Yay. And Ava, you can find me online. Ava Marie Bunn and I do a monthly show called Late Bloomers. Sometimes it's in LA and sometimes it's in New York and I am on Scrubs and it comes out every Wednesday on abc.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you so much for joining us and being so generous with these terrible stories that you're publicists are gonna commit suicide over. Lots of love. Bye.

[Ava Barn]

Bye.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com. don't forget to subscribe. Like review wherever you get your podcasts. Tell your friends about us. And I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now. Bye.

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[Kat Bird]

Well, that's cool. No, you don't understand.

[Jameela Jamil]

It went perfectly.

[Kat Bird]

Real offer down to the penny. They're picking it up tomorrow. Nothing went wrong.

[Ava Barn]

So what's the problem?

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[Kat Bird]

Nothing in my life goes to smoothly.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm waiting for the catch.

[Kat Bird]

Maybe there's no catch.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's exactly what a catch would want me to think.

[Kat Bird]

Wow. You need to relax. I need to knock on wood.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do we have wood?

[Ad Voice]

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[Kat Bird]

I think it's laminate.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay.

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[Kat Bird]

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[Jameela Jamil]

Sell your car today on Carvana.

[Kat Bird]

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