Katherine Blanford and Jamie Loftus

Summary

Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil

Episode: Katherine Blanford and Jamie Loftus
Release Date: August 28, 2025
Host: Jameela Jamil
Guests: Katherine Blanford, Jamie Loftus

---

Overview

In this riotous episode of “Wrong Turns,” host Jameela Jamil is joined by comedians Katherine Blanford and Jamie Loftus. The theme, as always, is gleeful commiseration over personal disasters: mortifying moments, embarrassing stories, and the kind of chaotic incidents that make life so spectacularly humbling. With no silver linings required, the trio dive into humiliating audition tales, adolescent crush catastrophes, and gross-out medical misadventures—all delivered with sharp wit, vulnerability, and zero dignity.

---

Key Discussion Points & Highlights

Embracing Humiliation and Adulting

• The episode opens with the comedians bonding over chaos and “adulting,” touching on medical indignities like stool tests and learning to accept ongoing embarrassment as a fact of getting older.
  • Stool Test Confessions:
    • Jameela describes the process:
      "You shit in a taco box...it has changed me. I've lost my spark, and I don't think it's ever coming back." (03:18 – 03:42)
    • Katherine’s game-for-anything attitude adds levity:
      "I will do anything for material at this point." (04:54)

Audition/Worst Gig Stories

• Jamie shares an early audition for a mattress commercial, only to learn it wasn’t her awkward physical humor that lost her the role, but her mustache.
  • "It was because I had a mustache. So physically I looked normal, but except for my mustache, which had to go." – Jamie (06:01)
• Jameela’s Good Place audition disaster, featuring sabotage:
  • Jameela was intentionally misdirected by another actress competing for her role.
    "She sent me somewhere really dangerous...and she'd gone in on my slot. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me?" (08:38 – 09:02)
• Katherine’s Portland arena gig with Bert Kreischer:
  • Massive technical difficulty (mic cut out) and being booed by 20,000 people while making a joke about having the “smallest tits on the lineup.”
  • "All they saw was...I come out, I twerk, and then I look at the jumbotron, and I'm feeling myself up to silence. And they booed." (12:01 – 12:14)
  • Bittersweet moral:
    "Don't talk about your tits up top, because you never know when the sound could be cut off." (12:52)

Awkward Lies & Overthinking

• Jamie recounts an elaborate lie concocted to avoid admitting to Maria Bamford that she couldn't drive (and thus couldn't be her opener's chauffeur). She ropes in her family to pose as siblings for a long, awkward car ride.
  • "For today, you're my brother and you're gonna drive me and Maria Bamford to Connecticut and just say as little as possible." (14:52)
  • The ruse unravels after a slip from Jamie's dad:
    “Oh, I heard my nephew drove you. I'm Jamie's dad.” (17:21)
  • Jameela’s loving mockery:
    “That’s the sweetest, most pathetic nonsense of stress you put yourself through.” (18:10)

Big "Wrong Turn" Confessions

Katherine’s Celebrity Connection & Obsession

• High School Cheating and Accidental Rivalry with Jennifer Lawrence
  • Katherine’s boyfriend “gets even” for her infidelity by making out with Carrie's cousin, who turns out to be a young Jennifer Lawrence.
  • Years of low-key stalking ensue:
    "I would google her name...I would ask my friends: 'Do you know who this girl is?'..." (22:06)
  • The jealousy morphs into career envy, culminating in Katherine’s realization:
    “It starts as jealousy and then it just turns into like, oh, I’m just obsessed with this girl.” – Jamie (22:50)
  • The big reveal:
    “She was starring in a movie called Hunger Games. So then she…it was Jennifer Lawrence. Fuck me.” – Katherine (23:22)
  • Later, Jennifer hears Katherine’s comedy bit about the story:
    “Jen called [Carrie] and was like, ‘Are you telling people the story?’...And Jen remembered the whole story. She knows everybody’s names.” (25:14 – 26:16)
  • “She’s a win, win, win in this story.” – Jameela (28:08)
  • "You're a fucking weirdo. I love that story." – Jameela (28:26)

Jamie’s Teenage Heartbreak (and Unfortunate Wetting)

• Dating “BarrySaxSexGod” and Getting Dumped for an Instrument
  • Jamie, an awkward teenage oboe player with a back brace, falls for a senior saxophone star.
  • Their virtual romance (screen name “JamietheAvenger” x “BarrySaxSexGod”) and failed sexual misadventures:
    “I gave him a hand job. So wrong...I was just like guessing my way around.” (35:25 – 35:53)
  • He breaks up with Jamie over IM, stating he needs more time to practice saxophone.
    "He was like, 'No, it was for the saxophone. You were distracting me from the saxophone.'" (41:37)
  • The emotional aftermath:
    "I literally peed myself at school." (37:05)
    • Jameela, incredulous:
      "Sorry. No, that's not a normal pipeline." (37:05)
  • The saga continues with solidarity over back brace trauma and the revelation that her ex is now a saxophone professor.

---

Listener Story: "Misery Loves Company" (Timestamps: 43:29 – 44:56)

• A couple’s steamy hotel rendezvous is interrupted when a staff-guided family tours their occupied room.
  • Jameela: "A family of four opens the door and has a great view of exactly how doggy style works...I'm mortified." (44:45)
• The guest is offered free breakfast as compensation, which she refuses:
  • "I told them they could shove up their ass.” (44:53)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jameela on stool samples:
  "Turning 40 is nothing but a humiliation ritual...I will never again look at myself as special, attractive...for what I have watched myself do." (03:27)
• Jamie on audition heartbreak:
  "The thing that you think is fucked up about yourself...it's something else. Just the thing you weren't even thinking of." (06:46)
• Katherine on her arena booing incident:
  "So what they saw was...I come out, I twerk, and then I look at the jumbotron, and I'm feeling myself up to silence. And they booed." (12:01)
• On Jennifer Lawrence as Carrie's cousin:
  “She’s a win, win, win in this story.” – Jameela (28:08)
• Jamie on her high school breakup:
  "I can't be your boyfriend anymore. I need more time to practice the saxophone." (36:55)
• Jameela’s favorite email handle:
  "Mine was really racist but it was against my own race...‘packydoodledoo’...and then I became super famous..." (34:01)
• Jameela on holding in pee:
  “I won’t let myself pee until I finish the essay…Now anyone who subscribes will be able to detect, it’s written like a kind of adventure novel.” (38:31)
• Katherine’s self-deprecation & perseverance:
  "I will do anything for material at this point." (04:54)
• Jamie’s ultimate realization:
  "When people tell you who they are, believe them, even if it sounds into their screen names." (42:45)

---

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:30] – Episode Introductions & Setting the Tone
• [03:15] – Stool Sample Stories & Medical Humiliation
• [05:09] – Audition Humiliations, Mattress Commercial, Good Place Sabotage
• [09:26] – Katherine’s Worst Gig: Arena Story-Time
• [13:10] – Jamie’s Maria Bamford/driving lie
• [20:06] – Katherine’s Big Wrong Turn: Jennifer Lawrence Story
• [30:05] – Jamie’s Big Wrong Turn: Dumped by Saxophone
• [43:29] – Listener Misery Story: Hotel Room Nightmare

---

Tone and Style

The tone remains distinctly anti-inspirational and self-effacing, with all three comedians riffing on shame, self-deprecation, and the absurdity of their own experiences. There’s no attempt to draw wisdom from disaster—just laughter, playful banter, and the comfort of shared humiliation.

---

Conclusion

This episode exemplifies “Wrong Turns” at its best: a safe haven for the shameful, offering listeners the catharsis of hearing even successful comedians still get booed, dumped, lied to, and embarrassed by their own bodies. Katherine and Jamie share tales that are both specific and relatable, merging self-mockery with genuine camaraderie—and delivering endless comedic gold for anyone in need of some commiseration.

---

Find the guests:

• Katherine Blanford: @itskatherineblanford, katherineblanford.com
• Jamie Loftus: @jamiecraysuperstar, author of Raw: The Naked Truth About Hot Dogs

---

“Wrong Turns: Where dignity goes to die.”

Transcript

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Why choose a Sleep number Smart bed.

[Jamie Loftus]

Can I make my site softer?

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Can I make my site firmer? Can we sleep cooler? Sleep number does that cools up to eight times faster and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side. Your Sleep number setting it's the sleep number biggest sale of the year. All beds on sale up to 50% off the limited edition smart bed plus free premium delivery with any smart bed and adjustable base ends Labor Day. All Sleep number Smart beds offer temperature solutions for your best sleep. Check it out at a sleepnumber store or sleepnumber.com today.

[Hannah Burner]

This is Hannah Burner from Giggly Squad. Opill is the first over the counter daily birth control pill available in the U.S. let's be real, getting a birth control prescription is not always easy and it's so much admin. In fact, about a third of women face barriers to access prescription birth control. Between scheduling appointments, missing work class, or just trying to exist, it's a lot. But now Opill is putting birth control in our control. Opill is a daily birth control that's FDA approved, full prescription, strength and estrogen free and 98% effective when used as directed. Grab it online or at most major retailers. No prescription or doctor's appointment needed. So if you're thinking about birth control, check out Opill to see if it's right for you. Use code giggly for 25 off your first month of opill at O-P-I-L-L.com that's code giggly p-I l l.com birth control in your control. We love to see it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is a show where we come to celebrate disaster. We are Anti Inspiration Pro Commiseration and we're just gonna soak up all the juice of shame together. I invite my favorite funny people from the world of comedy to come and tell me their tales. And joining me today I have a comedian who's appeared on the Tonight Show. Deadline named her as one of the comedians ready to break out in 2025. And her comedy album is Catholic Cowgirl, which she writes on her website is not bad for a woman whose parents are cousins. It's Katherine Bradford.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yay.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you. And we also welcome comedy comedian, actress, New York Times best selling author. She hosts the podcast the Bechdel test and 16th minute. And her new solo show is the Tiny Man Is Trying to Kill Me. It's Jamie fucking Loftus. Hello. Hi. How are you?

[Jamie Loftus]

Oh, having a day. How are you?

[Jameela Jamil]

Having a day too. We're all having a day we're having a day. I've encountered nothing but chaos of late.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. And then this fucking ray of sunshine comes in. Just.

[Katherine Blandford]

I'm sorry, Just.

[Jameela Jamil]

Cameron Diaz in the flesh.

[Katherine Blandford]

The sad thing is, I'm having a great day.

[Jamie Loftus]

How dare you?

[Katherine Blandford]

And I've had so many in a row.

[Jameela Jamil]

We need to kill her. That's what needs to happen.

[Jamie Loftus]

And we were getting along so well.

[Jameela Jamil]

How are you doing?

[Jamie Loftus]

I'm good. I'm good. I mean, it's been a week of absolute chaos.

[Jameela Jamil]

Have you been humbled?

[Jamie Loftus]

I have been humbled. I've had to learn new skills. I've had to go on new supplements. I'm just. I'm just learning.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're adulting, aren't you?

[Jamie Loftus]

I'm.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm adulting. Tedious.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah. It's really frustrating. I actually do really resent having to get more sleep than I used to, which is just the normal amount.

[Jameela Jamil]

Have you ever had to do a stool test?

[Jamie Loftus]

No, not yet.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'll tell you. Have you done a stool test?

[Katherine Blandford]

No. Is that what you do?

[Jameela Jamil]

You shit in a taco box, they give you. They send you a taco box, which means you can never want to eat tacos ever fucking again.

[Jamie Loftus]

Do you do it at home?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. You have to do it at home yourself. And then you have to take a little thing and then put it in test tubes and shake it together. And I'm telling you now, I've only just done it for the first time in my life. I'm sorry, everyone. I will make this very brief and I won't be graphic, but it has changed me. I feel changed forever. I've lost my spark, and I don't think it's ever coming back. Do you ever feel. And I will never, ever get ahead of myself ever again. And I think we need to get people to start doing stool tests early on in life so that they stay humble. I will never again look at myself as special, attractive, any of these things, for what I have watched myself do. That's it. It's leveled my playing field. You have to, like, mess with it.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah, you have to mess with it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, you gotta, like, shake it around and stuff.

[Jamie Loftus]

You gotta shake it around.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, it's like recipe. It's like the Hokey Pokey.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Or whatever the fuck it's called.

[Katherine Blandford]

What if it's not solid? You to wait for a solid.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, let's move on.

[Jamie Loftus]

Did they send more than one box?

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, sweet.

[Jamie Loftus]

What if you screw up the first box?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no, no. Yeah, if you screw up you grew up and you have to do it all over again. Worst thing I've ever done. Turning 40 is nothing but a humiliation ritual. Like, it's from here on out. You've got it coming to you. What about you, my darling Katherine? How are you?

[Katherine Blandford]

Just lovely.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, just lovely. Just happy. I know.

[Katherine Blandford]

I know I haven't shit in a box today, but at least she's not.

[Jameela Jamil]

Smug, you know, because that would be bad.

[Katherine Blandford]

Does it just seem like if it.

[Jamie Loftus]

Had to happen, you'd be open of.

[Katherine Blandford]

What to shitting in a box? Yeah. I will do anything for material at this point.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think if I handed her a box right now, she'd shit in it. She's game. She's the most game girl in the whole wide world.

[Katherine Blandford]

I love an adrenaline rush. I love anything for a good clip.

[Jamie Loftus]

I love learning a new skill.

[Jameela Jamil]

How have your auditions been in life? Any humbling moments?

[Katherine Blandford]

Every single one. What are you talking about? Are any of them not humbling? I thought that was the point I had.

[Jamie Loftus]

Years ago, I auditioned for a mattress commercial, and the already good the. I just. I had to. Part of it was like delivering a joke and then flopping backwards on a mattress. I injured myself the first time I tried it, but I didn't say anything. And I thought. But then every other, like, flop I did because you had to do, like, three or four was weird. And then my agent called me, like, later in the day. I was like, 23. I had just moved here. And she was like, I. She's like, so it didn't work out. Do you know what I'm going to say? I was like. I was probably like.

[Katherine Blandford]

It was.

[Jamie Loftus]

It was physically weird, right? And she was like, no, they want you to get rid of your mustache. And I was like, oh. So it wasn't even the problem I thought it was. It was because I had a mustache. So physically I looked normal, but except for my mustache, which had to go. And generally, like, you're too Italian for the. For the mattress commercial. You think they, like, got it.

[Katherine Blandford]

But also, that's a very easy thing.

[Jameela Jamil]

To get rid of. What a crazy reason to discriminate against you.

[Jamie Loftus]

Who got it looked a lot like me.

[Jameela Jamil]

Really? Really?

[Jamie Loftus]

I was like, oh, no. Was I close?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

So I'm seeing you fall back, and they zoom in, and the hairs on your mustache are kind of, like, lightly falling out.

[Jameela Jamil]

They were just like. Yeah, they were like. Her mustache looked really weird midair.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah, it was like a good lesson, ultimately. Cause I was like, the thing that you think is fucked up about yourself is. It's something else. Just the thing you weren't even thinking of. I didn't even realize I had a mustache.

[Katherine Blandford]

But that's right, you can get rid of that.

[Jamie Loftus]

And I did right away, but it was too late.

[Jameela Jamil]

When I first went to the audition for the Good Place, I was lost on my way in. You and I were talking about this earlier, that there's no fucking door numbers anywhere in America on any of the doors. In a country where it's legal to just shoot someone if they're on your doorstep and they're not supposed to be. And I'm like, everything should be in neon, front and center. And so I was lost on my way to Alison Jones. She was the casting director for the Good Places House. And it's. You know, and it's. I'd expected, like, you know, this is Hollywood. It's gonna be a big shiny building, but it's just a very sweet suburban home behind a bush and a garden. So I can't find where I'm going that this beautiful woman who's, like tall and brunette, like, starts walking down the street. And I was like, I wonder if she's going to the same audition as me. So I stop her and I'm like, excuse me, would you mind helping me find. You know, are you going to this audition? She was, oh, no. And I was like, oh, could you help me find this address? And she was like, sure. And she tells me, gives me all these, like, elaborate directions and I go walking all the way down through her directions. And after about 10 minutes, I'm now in, like, a very sketchy part of Koreatown and there's a woman openly masturbating on a bench. It's like 11am and I. She's also auditioning. Yeah, yeah, exactly. She's practicing and she booked it. Kristen Bell didn't. Yeah, that's how she got the job.

[Katherine Blandford]

Everyone's process is different.

[Jamie Loftus]

Everyone's process is different.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hey, she's a superstar, okay? We could all learn a lot from Kristin. Are you going to go the extra mile?

[Katherine Blandford]

Do you really want it?

[Jameela Jamil]

Exactly. So I was like this, like, it's getting really sketchy, really dodgy. You know how LA can just turn really fast, like, depending which corner you walk down. So I was like, I think this woman was a fucking idiot and she was wrong. So I walked back to where I was originally. Finally find the audition for the Good Place, go in, and she's in there and she's walking out and she'd gone in on My slot. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me?

[Jamie Loftus]

She sabotaging.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes. And so she said. So I said to her, I was like, hey, you said you weren't going to this audition. You just sent me somewhere really dangerous. And she just looked at me and went, sorry, and walked out. And I was like, oh, this is exactly what I thought. LA auditions are like. I'm so excited to be sabotaged. Anyway, tell me any microhealter humiliations outside of auditions that you have faced.

[Katherine Blandford]

I was opening for Bert Kreischer in Portland. He. He's awesome. He's a big comic, but, well, in both ways. He's well known, but he's also a big dude. And he takes his shirt off. Yes. Yeah. And he takes his shirt off and he owns it. Like, that's his brand. And so the title of this tour was called Tops Off World Tour because he takes his shirt off every show and does his show shirtless. And he has a. He's a belly. And so before the show started, there's Big jumbotrons. We are in the arena. What's the Portland Trailblazers? Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

Oh, wow.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, we're in the arena. They're these big Jumbotrons and they have a camera going around the audience, and they're panning into men who are willing to take off their shirt and shake their bodies.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay.

[Katherine Blandford]

Love it for the Big Jumbotrons. Cause the Tops Off World Tour, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

So that show, I was opening it, and there's 20,000 people there. And so I go out and I just. You to make a quick joke or something like that. And I go out about being the only woman on the show, and I have the smallest tits on the lineup. And I just watched a whole arena full of men who have larger tits than me. And I'm kind of looking at myself, like, making a joke about, you know, my tits are mostly just target bra. And I'm looking at the Jumbotron and I start getting booze.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, no.

[Katherine Blandford]

From everywhere. And I'm like, oh. I'm like, did you think you're getting.

[Jameela Jamil]

Booed because your boobs are so small?

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Yes.

[Katherine Blandford]

Truly. Oh, I. I thought it was a joke. And then I thought it was Portland, and I was like, oh, I'm body shaming. It's Portland.

[Jameela Jamil]

Is that what it was?

[Jamie Loftus]

They felt like if you were talking about your. I don't know.

[Katherine Blandford]

It was so weird.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

As soon as I started getting booze and I'm like, what's going on? Then my mic cuts And I'm out at 20,000 people, and I can't get it turned on. And the sound guy, the sound engineer finally runs up and fixes it. And then.

[Jameela Jamil]

And how long is this taking?

[Katherine Blandford]

So I thought that my mic had just cut out, and that's when the sound hadn't worked. Finally, when I got off stage, I came back. I recovered. When I came out on stage originally, I kind of danced a little bit. And so my recovery when the sound came on, I go, that's what happens when a white woman tries to twerk. So when I come off after my set, the sound engineer was like, the whole house speakers were out. But your monitors on stage were on for the first half. So they were booing because they couldn't.

[Jamie Loftus]

Hear me at all.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh.

[Jameela Jamil]

So all they. Okay, okay.

[Katherine Blandford]

So what they saw was they couldn't hear me. I come out, I twerk, and then I look at the jumbotron, and I'm feeling myself up to silence. And they booed.

[Jamie Loftus]

And they boo.

[Katherine Blandford]

And they rightfully so should have booed.

[Jamie Loftus]

That's like 20,000 seventh graders.

[Katherine Blandford]

That's so the biggest crowd I'd ever done.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God. And also then your set time was all cut down, I bet, to move on with the show.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, I was ready to get off. That's fine.

[Jameela Jamil]

What a fucking nightmare. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

Congratulations on surviving that experience. Yay. That's intense.

[Katherine Blandford]

You know, it was fine. I genuinely. It was a lesson learned. And, like, don't talk about your tits up top, because you never know when the sound could be cut off.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's such a great proverb. It's really helpful. No, everyone write that down. Everyone who's listening, write that down right now.

[Katherine Blandford]

Save little titty's story for the end.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Oh, bless you. What about you, Jamie?

[Jamie Loftus]

I got hired to open for Maria Bamford in New England. She's my favorite, like, was and is my favorite comic ever. I was freaking out. She was looking. I was. I'm from New England. She was looking for people who were from the areas that she was touring in. So the. The deal was I was gonna go to Boston and Connecticut with her. I was really, really, really excited. And I was new enough to like doing bigger opening gigs that I kind of forgot that the opener is often supposed to drive the headliner from place to place. And I did not have a driver's license. And I was so afraid that if I told Maria Bamford I didn't have a driver's license that she would not let me open the Shows. And so I created this elaborate plan with my cousin. So I like, opened for her in Boston. That was fine. But it was. I had to do one drive with her, but from Boston to, I think Hartford, Connecticut, at a casino, and I couldn't drive. And I was like, okay, I need to figure out a way to get us both there that's like, plausible and not scary to her and not too embarrassing for me. So I made up this very specific lie and had my whole family abide by it, where I was like, okay, I don't want my dad to drive us. That would be humiliating and uncomfortable for her. So I was like, okay, I'm gonna say that my brother is going to drive us, but my brother also doesn't have a license. So I had to ask my cousin and I asked my cousin to say that he was my brother because I thought that if I told Maria Bamford my cousin was driving us to Connecticut. That sounds really sketchy, because it is. And so I told my cousin, okay, for today, you're my brother and you're gonna drive me and Maria Bamford to Connecticut and just say as little as possible.

[Jameela Jamil]

And do you still have this sort of overthinking problem now all the time? Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

Every second of my life.

[Jameela Jamil]

This hyper over complicating, overthinking neurosis.

[Jamie Loftus]

Needless lie. And everyone needs to live in this world that I have created for us, for nobody. My cousin was really nice about it. I was like, I'm gonna talk to you like you're my brother. And he was like, okay, you're like.

[Jameela Jamil]

We'Re gonna make out. Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

So this whole drive, Maria, and also my cousin's car is not great. So Maria is so nice about it, but it's clearly not super comfortable. I'm overcompensating by talking to my cousin as if he's my brother and we're putting on this community for her benefit.

[Katherine Blandford]

Is she in the backseat while you guys do family bits?

[Jameela Jamil]

She's like, like talking about mum. You know what I mean? Like talking about mum and dad.

[Jamie Loftus]

My cousin, to his credit, stuck the landing. He stuck with the lie. And he was talking about his aunt as if it were his mom. I was talking about him as if he were my brother. Maria Bamford was also in the car and being very sweet and was like, haha, okay. But it was like something was clearly off.

[Katherine Blandford]

You guys probably sounded like when two.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know, with a brother about to murder you.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, exactly.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know, I was gonna say like.

[Katherine Blandford]

In porn, you know, when they try and force the like sibling.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was just like one of those.

[Jamie Loftus]

Like, like something was clear.

[Jameela Jamil]

You had breakfast.

[Katherine Blandford]

Our mom made.

[Jameela Jamil]

How do you like your eggs? Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

That'S so funny.

[Jamie Loftus]

And so we managed to pull it off. It's like a two and a half hour drive. It is a not insignificant drive. But we finally get there. I was like, okay, maybe that went well. I don't think it did, but maybe it did. And we arrived. Maria's being super nice and my dad wanted to go to the show in Connecticut.

[Jameela Jamil]

So you told her that your dad is actually your mum? No. And he's in drag now.

[Jamie Loftus]

I'm very thorough with my life little plans. And so I told my dad, I was like, hey, today Sam is your son. If there's no way you're going to talk to Maria Bamford, but if you do, just remember that Sam is not your nephew, he's your son. And he was like, okay. He immediately forgot, was waiting, greeted me and Maria and was like, oh, I heard my nephew drove you. I'm Jamie's dad. And she was. And I don't know if she ever. She didn't ask me about it and I was completely mortified the entire night. And there's no conclusion to the story because she's. I don't know. I don't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh my God. Can I send this episode to her so you can just finally let this rest?

[Jamie Loftus]

Cause she's always.

[Jameela Jamil]

Cause it's the sweetest, most pathetic nonsense of stress you put yourself through. Well, thank you. Thank you for that. We'll be right back after the break.

[Katherine Blandford]

This is not a drill. You can get the new iPhone 16e with Apple Intelligence for just $49.99 when you switch to Boost Mobile. Wait, that's the actual fire alarm.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

We need to go visit your nearest Boost Mobile store for full offer details. Apple Intelligence requires iOS 18.1 or later. Restrictions apply.

[Hannah Burner]

This is Hannah Burner from Giggly Squad. Opill is the first over the counter daily birth control pill available in the us. Let's be real, getting a birth control prescription is not always easy. And it's so much admin. In fact, about a third of women face barriers to access prescription birth control. Between scheduling appointments, missing work class or just trying to exist, it's a lot. But now Opill is putting birth control in our control. Opill is a daily birth control that's FDA approved, full prescription, strength and estrogen free and 98 effective when used as directed. Grab it online or at most major retailers. No prescription or doctor's appointment needed. So if you're thinking about birth control, check out opill to see if it's right for you. Use code giggly for 25 off your first month of opill at o p I l l dot com. That's code giggly P-I-L-L.com birth control and your control. We love to see it.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Why choose a sleep number Smart bed.

[Jamie Loftus]

Can I make my site softer?

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Can I make my site firmer? Can we sleep cooler? Sleep number does that cools up to eight times faster and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side. Your sleep number settings. It's the sleep number biggest sale of the year. All beds on sale up to 50% off the limited edition smart bed plus free premium delivery with any smart bed and adjustable base ends labor day. All sleep number Smart beds offer temperature solutions for your best sleep. Check it out at a sleepnumber store or sleepnumber.com today.

[Jameela Jamil]

And we are back. All right, Katherine.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

What's your big wrong turn?

[Katherine Blandford]

When I was in high school, I was dating a sweet, sweet boy. He's playing football. Whatever. And I will admit, I kissed another boy.

[Jameela Jamil]

Mm.

[Katherine Blandford]

Et cetera. Get out.

[Jameela Jamil]

Get the fuck out. I'm deadly serious.

[Jamie Loftus]

We went silent because this is a very religious podcast.

[Jameela Jamil]

You were a sinner. Get out.

[Katherine Blandford]

Listen, I did it, so y' all don't. Okay. I had to learn the hard way so no one else does. And then, you know, he found out and he was mad at me. And so it was holiday break, and my family went out of town for Christmas vacation. We didn't make it back in time for the New Year's Eve party. I get in town the next day, and we were like, I guess, kind of on a break or something. And he called me, and he was like, last night at the New Year's Eve party, I hooked up with Carrie's cousin. She was a girl. Our friend was Carrie. Her cousin used to live in Kentucky with us, but she'd moved to New York to become a model. But she would come back in the holidays in summer and hang out with Carrie, who was our friend. So we just called her Carrie's cousin. She was like a normal girl. And he goes, I hooked up with her. And I was like, cool.

[Jamie Loftus]

That's.

[Katherine Blandford]

We're good now, right? That's how it works.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, that's how.

[Jamie Loftus]

That's like a high school math.

[Jameela Jamil]

You were like, that makes sense.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

I think that's like the Bible spells it out, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

Eye for an eye. No. Yeah. Cousin for the other guy.

[Katherine Blandford]

I was so happy, I was like, woo. The next day there is a write up in the newspaper with her huge headshot about how she's starring in a TV show. She's like a co star in a TV show. And I was like, is this bitch about to become famous? So then I knew her name. And for the rest of high school and college, I would google her name and like see people new. And I would ask my friends, like.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do you know, why were you so obsessed?

[Katherine Blandford]

You know what it was? I'll be honest, I think I always, I wanted to act when I was a little kid, but I was too embarrassed to tell people.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. And I think I just like got obsessed with some girl.

[Jameela Jamil]

Him kissing her just opened a portal of jealousy.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. I was just like.

[Jameela Jamil]

Where? You were like, she's living your life. She's kissed your boyfriend and via his lips, she's stolen your destiny and taken.

[Katherine Blandford]

Off with it just the next day.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's crazy.

[Jamie Loftus]

And just did it like stay about him or did it more become about like comparing yourself to yourself? I don't even remember his name exactly. I had that experience so many times where it's like, it starts as jealousy and then it just turns into like, oh, I'm just obsessed with this girl.

[Katherine Blandford]

Exactly.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

You're like, you're watching her being like in a different realm. I'm her and she's me. I know that. I know that for a fact. But I would ask my friends, I'd like, do you know who this girl is? And no one would know her. And I was like, okay, she's still under the radar. And then in college, my roommates, like, how many of them, how many years is going on now, if I'm being honest? 4. 4.

[Jamie Loftus]

She's just living in your head rent free for.

[Katherine Blandford]

She's. What do you mean her? My Google searches of her, she's probably getting a cut off of that.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

God, her SEO is through the roof because of me and all the magazines I bought it from. Okay. They were like, I think that girl is about to be famous. She's starring in a movie called Hunger Games. So then she. It was Jennifer Lawrence. Fuck me.

[Jamie Loftus]

She's Carrie's cousin.

[Jameela Jamil]

She's Carrie's cousin. I wish she was here right now. No, I'm joking.

[Jamie Loftus]

If only she hadn't stolen your destiny.

[Katherine Blandford]

She's seen the clip. She's. I know she's seen the clip. She'd be down for this too. That's the annoying thing is she's Cool.

[Jameela Jamil]

I know she would have got you instead.

[Jamie Loftus]

I really.

[Katherine Blandford]

I'm team you, J Law. I'm so that's actually a compliment for me. I'm not even that. I'm not even that cool. That's the sad thing.

[Jameela Jamil]

I get mistaken for Priyanka Chopra all the time and I'm like, oh, my God, thank you.

[Katherine Blandford]

But you guys are both hot and awesome.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'll take whatever.

[Jamie Loftus]

Honestly, it's good to get mistaken for a hot person.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Jamie Loftus]

People always recognize me for myself immediately because they're like, you don't look the good one. You look like a girl who didn't have a mustache.

[Katherine Blandford]

A mattress ad.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, so she's seen the clip? How do you know?

[Katherine Blandford]

Because I told the story on that guy Bert Kreischer's podcast, and he has a very famous bit where he tells a story. And he was like, you need to turn that story into a bit and do it on stage and put it on a special. So I was working on a story on it, but I was very proud of the bit because it wasn't just about Jennifer Lawrence. Ties into my whole Catholic bring up or whatever. I went back to Louisville, Kentucky, and I was doing a weekend there, headlining a club, and I was working on the bit and then I was at my merch table after the show and there's just. People line up and they can come take pictures or buy merch. It's a huge line. I mean, 11 or 12. Sometimes I'm looking at my merch and I look up and Carrie is in front of me. And she'd seen me do the bit that night and I was like, no, no, you're not supposed to be. I'm like thinking she's about to serve me papers, like a cease and desist. And she was like, yeah, Jen called me and was like, sent me the clip and was like, are you telling people the story? I don't register who Jen is at the moment. And she's like. And I'm like, no, I'm not telling anybody. Do you remember it? And Jen remembered the whole story. She knows everybody's names. And then I'm like, oh, that's Jen, short for Jennifer Lawrence. And she said that she. It was. It was over the holiday. So she was like, she was gonna be in town. And she was like. Carrie was like, I told her I was going to your show and asked if she wanted to go. And she was like, well, is she funny? And this was like, I swear, this was the longest pause of my life. I was like, What'd you say?

[Jamie Loftus]

Carrie?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

What did you say? I swear, she. She drawled it out to you. I was like, no, come on. She was like, she. I told her I didn't know, but I remember you were kind of funny in high school, but I hadn't seen you yet.

[Jamie Loftus]

I was like, goodness.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, she was almost in the audience that night to hear you tell that story.

[Katherine Blandford]

Truly.

[Jameela Jamil]

Jesus protected you.

[Jamie Loftus]

That's.

[Katherine Blandford]

She felt like you're such a loser, that this is a big deal in your life.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, no, it's fine.

[Jamie Loftus]

No, I mean, she remembered the whole story too. Like, yes, she did.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes, she did.

[Jamie Loftus]

Everyone's petty. It doesn't matter if you're in the Hunger Games. Like, it's.

[Jameela Jamil]

Everyone remembers she wins in that story. I think. I'm sure. On this podcast before, I've talked about the fact that I. I broke up with someone. I dumped him, but then he got me back by dating Miss Universe within a few weeks. And then it was in the newspaper, and it's me caught at 6am by the paparazzi outside my house, just like in a photo. And then it's a picture of her winning Miss Universe with her swimsuit on with Miss Universe and being crowned and literally the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. And then the headline was Jamila who? Question mark.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I was like, the level of, like, on the nose erasure. Cause the feeling you have even when you dump someone is.

[Jamie Loftus]

I hope they don't forget about me.

[Jameela Jamil]

The most explicit. You are erased from history.

[Jamie Loftus]

Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

Happened. So. It's fucked up.

[Katherine Blandford]

That's so brutal. Is this Regina George at the head of this newspaper?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, it's just the British media are really just, like, absolutely vile bastards. I love that wrong turn. I think it's iconic. You're going to be in a movie with her sometime.

[Katherine Blandford]

I genuinely think she would be like. No, I think she would be.

[Jamie Loftus]

I used to have beef with her.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do anything that bad. She kissed a boy. Like, she's done nothing other than become incredibly hot and successful. And you were obsessed with her. She's a win, win, win in this story.

[Jamie Loftus]

I think her crime is she should have gone to the show.

[Katherine Blandford]

She should have come to the show. Yeah. No, I think it's not that I make her look bad. I think she's gonna be like, you're obsessed with me.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a fucking. You're a fucking weirdo. I love that story. Thank you so much for telling it again. May this be the last time. And I'M gonna send it straight to Jennifer as soon as we're done.

[Jamie Loftus]

She's expecting it, I'm sure she's like, I get it.

[Jameela Jamil]

We'll be right back after the break.

[Verizon Announcer]

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze. Talk about refreshing. You know what else is refreshing this summer? A brand new phone with Verizon.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yep.

[Verizon Announcer]

Get a new phone on any plan with select phone. Trade in and myplan and lock down a low price for three years on any plan with my plan. This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer. Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deal. 3 year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only. Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

[Katherine Blandford]

This is not a drill. You can get the new iPhone 16e with Apple Intelligence for just $49.99 when you switch to Boost Mobile. Wait, that's the actual fire alarm.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

We need to go Visit your nearest Boost mobile store for full offer details. Apple Intelligence requires iOS 18.1 or later. Restrictions apply.

[Katherine Blandford]

Listen up. You can get the new iPhone 16e with Apple Intelligence for just 49.99 when you switch to Boost Mobile. We pulled so many nighters to give you this deal and hey, stop messing with a mic.

[Jamie Loftus]

I'm just helping this catch people's attention.

[Katherine Blandford]

This is a great deal. Exactly. So it doesn't need all that.

[Jamie Loftus]

Fine.

[Katherine Blandford]

Head to your nearest Boost mobile store right now.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Visit your nearest Boost mobile store for full offer details. Apple Intelligence requires iOS 18.1 or later. Restrictions apply.

[Jameela Jamil]

All right. Jamie. Yeah, we're back.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

What's your big wrong turn?

[Jamie Loftus]

Well, look, at least. At least your boyfriend made out with a person because I also have a high school dating story about my first breakup to bridge.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, I'm joking.

[Katherine Blandford]

The whole bridge.

[Jamie Loftus]

So, no, he left me for the saxophone and it was. It like. Okay, so I was in.

[Katherine Blandford]

I like, like American pie sit.

[Jameela Jamil]

No.

[Jamie Loftus]

No, not like objective sexuality.

[Katherine Blandford]

Two different circumferences.

[Jamie Loftus]

That's true.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes.

[Jamie Loftus]

So. Well, he was actually, in his defense, so good at the saxophone. So I was in a high school band. I was not very good. I played the oboe, which is a.

[Jameela Jamil]

Such a sexy instrument.

[Jamie Loftus]

Literally the least sexy instrument in the world because you look like. Like this when you play it, and it's just like, you know, have you have all the hot flute girls, like the cl. You know, like a lot of people are making kind of like these sexy.

[Jameela Jamil]

Little pouts when they play part of the orchestra. Like, what. Where do you look the hottest in the orchestra.

[Jamie Loftus]

Were either of you in band?

[Katherine Blandford]

I wasn't. I'll tell you what's the most embarrassing. I think it's the violin because you have to give yourself a double chin.

[Jamie Loftus]

Oh, yeah. We didn't have strings in our. But yeah, that. That is a brutal one.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oboe's biggest. I played piano and I sang, so I was kind of fine, so.

[Jamie Loftus]

That's hot. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know the answer.

[Jamie Loftus]

Well, but that's either you're playing the piano, you're sitting, you win. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Oboe is very. It was just like three bisexual girls making the ugliest face anyone could possibly make. And I was one of them.

[Katherine Blandford]

What's the oboe? Is it long and thin?

[Jamie Loftus]

So it's a double read. We can get into it, but it's a double read.

[Jameela Jamil]

We're fine not to. And there's no. You have to.

[Jamie Loftus]

The whole orchestra tunes from the oboe.

[Katherine Blandford]

Her brother invented it.

[Jamie Loftus]

My brother invented it. No, my brother and I.

[Jameela Jamil]

My cousin.

[Jamie Loftus]

My brother and I were the like two dorkiest kids in the band because I played the oboe and he played the tuba. And so we sucked. Right? But I played the oboe. And I had a huge crush on this senior. I was a sophomore who played baritone sax. And yeah, I was obsessed with him. I didn't think he, like, noticed me at all. And then right before he graduated, we started dating and we would im. His screen name was Barry Sax.

[Jameela Jamil]

Instant messaging for people who are young.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yes. So, yeah, no, his screen name was Barry Sax. Sex God. Okay, well, that's a red flag, isn't it? So he. Not to me. It was on my. My family desktop computer when I got the notification.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Jamie Loftus]

From Barry Sac. Sex God. I was like, this is.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, wait, wait. When you, like, saw his name for the first time, were you like.

[Jamie Loftus]

I, like, called my cousin.

[Jameela Jamil]

I called.

[Jamie Loftus]

I was like, oh my God, guys.

[Jameela Jamil]

He'S a sex God.

[Jamie Loftus]

And they were.

[Jameela Jamil]

And how old. Wait, how old were you guys?

[Jamie Loftus]

I was 15.

[Jameela Jamil]

15. Oh, my God.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. A 17 year old sex God.

[Jameela Jamil]

That means he doesn't even know how to masturbate properly. Yeah, go on. Yeah, he didn't even have pubes yet. Go on.

[Jamie Loftus]

Well, and I had never kissed anybody before. I was a super late bloomer and so we dated for a while.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, what was your instant messaging name?

[Jamie Loftus]

It was Jamie the Avenger. Just kind of like, I. I can stand by it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Edgy. Edgy, enigmatic.

[Jamie Loftus]

I just kind of wasn't like other girls. I was a Hot Topic shopper.

[Katherine Blandford]

Everybody's name Was a bit of a. A dreamer. It's who they wanted to become.

[Jamie Loftus]

Exactly. Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Mine was really racist, but it was against my own race. But it was packy doodle doo. It was that for years. And then so was my MySpace. And then I became super famous at 23 and my agent, the newspapers picked up on it. It was like MySpace.com pachydoodle do. And my agent was like, take your fucking MySpace down now.

[Katherine Blandford]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Nightmare.

[Jamie Loftus]

Nightmare.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's such a fucking nightmare. Yeah, it was my email address. It was my favorite fucking word. It was my brand, really. Like, I was branding myself early. Sorry. As you were. I was 14.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay. I just pictured Ted Danson emailing you.

[Jameela Jamil]

At Wild at Yahoo.

[Katherine Blandford]

What was the first part?

[Jamie Loftus]

Could you spell it?

[Jameela Jamil]

Sorry. It was like. Okay, so you were the avenger.

[Jamie Loftus]

I was the avenger. At. Was dating. Very Sex. Sex. God. It was incredible. Everything was perfect. Right? And he went to college for the sax.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, was he a good kisser? Did you have sex with him?

[Jamie Loftus]

Okay, I did not have sex with him. I g. I. He was really. I used to tell a joke about this. I gave him an oboe.

[Jameela Jamil]

So job.

[Jamie Loftus]

No, I never. I never sucked as a. I was like, no, that's for adults. So I. I gave him a hand job. So wrong.

[Jameela Jamil]

How wrong?

[Katherine Blandford]

Like.

[Jamie Loftus]

Like.

[Jameela Jamil]

I do mean, like, you squeezed it.

[Jamie Loftus]

I was like, really clutching. Oh, my God. Clutching.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

And not moving. Just.

[Jamie Loftus]

I was, like, moving a little bit. Like I'd never watched porn before. And so I just was, like, guessing my way around. I was like, we'll just kind of see what happens.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sort of like the end of the toothpaste a little bit. Yeah, yeah. You're just rolling it up. Drying, Squeezing the last bit out. There's a.

[Jamie Loftus]

Dry as a bone. Fist shaking, yanking upwards.

[Katherine Blandford]

What's his face saying?

[Jamie Loftus]

We were in the complete dark. I have no idea.

[Katherine Blandford]

So he didn't make a noise.

[Jameela Jamil]

He was unconscious. He passed out from pain.

[Jamie Loftus]

I think he corrected me. He had to be like, I need to tell you something that does not feel good. But. So we dated for a while, and then he went to college. And he'd been in college for. For like two or three months. And he broke up with me over. I am. So you get, you know, the bari. Sax sex God message comes, and he is like, I'm sorry, Jamie. I can't be your boyfriend anymore. I need more time to practice the saxophone. And I was devastated and convinced that he was lying. I was so sure. It was like he probably just met another girl. And a friend give a hand. I was like, like obsessed. I was like, you know, like, I'd never been that sad before. Like, the first time you're broken up with. I literally peed myself at school.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay. Sorry. No, that's not a normal pipeline.

[Jamie Loftus]

Well, I know, I know.

[Katherine Blandford]

No, no, wait.

[Jameela Jamil]

Why. Why did you pee yourself? Cuz you were sad.

[Jamie Loftus]

To this day, could not tell you why I peed myself at school, but I peed myself at school.

[Jameela Jamil]

Same things.

[Jamie Loftus]

So I was completely devastated. Did you believe.

[Jameela Jamil]

Is this true? Urethra, they're like, what's happening?

[Jamie Loftus]

I literally don't know. I was like, just out of it. I had stayed home from school for a day. Cause my mom was like, you're not in good shape, you know, you stay home. So I stayed at home for a day, which was like, very nice of her. I went back to school the next day and there was also like, no one to talk about it with. Cause he was older and like, none of my friends really knew him.

[Jameela Jamil]

None of this explains why you peed yourself. I don't know, Camila.

[Jamie Loftus]

I don't know why I peed myself. I was just. I just remember I was sitting in history and I was like feeling so sad and I need to pee.

[Jameela Jamil]

And you were just sort of so sad that you wouldn't get up and go to the toilet.

[Jamie Loftus]

I had to pee. I can't really connect like to this day. No, it's like, fine about the fact.

[Jameela Jamil]

That you peed when you were sad. It's more the casual way that you were like. And I was so sad. I peed myself. As if that's like a thing. Honestly.

[Jamie Loftus]

That was a test to see if either of you were like, sure and that will happen.

[Katherine Blandford]

But no, it's just like you have difficulty with transportation sometimes.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah. And it's literally just walking by.

[Jameela Jamil]

I willfully retain. I willfully retain pee all the time. For hours and hours and hours. Like I. So I write substack essays and I won't let myself pee until I finished the essay. So there's like an energy and an urgency to all my substack essays that now anyone who subscribes will be able to detect. It's written like a kind of like adventure novels.

[Jamie Loftus]

Abruptly.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, it's totally ends. Really. I'm like, okay, well, that's the story. Goodbye, love you. And then I like, leave. And it's because I'm so fucking desperate to piss. But I've always done that. I used to do it with coursework. I used to do it with school, like, everything endurance, or if I'm having a really good time at dinner and I just don't want to break the conversation, I'll just sit there, fucking miserable, on the very cusp of pissing myself. So I do get it. I just more wanted to clarify, like, what was happening there.

[Jamie Loftus]

It was. Yeah. I had to pee. I was really sad. That's all.

[Jameela Jamil]

I knew we shit ourselves sometimes, you know? So I was like, oh, it's a bodily function I didn't know about.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah. It had nothing to do with. It's never.

[Jameela Jamil]

So you were sitting there in your own way, feeling even sadder.

[Jamie Loftus]

I. Eventually I, like, went to the bathroom, and I, like, had to, you know, like, maneuver a sweatshirt around my body for the rest of the day.

[Katherine Blandford]

And.

[Jamie Loftus]

And I got through it. I didn't tell anybody until, like, years later. Right. But, yeah, I did pee myself at school the next day. And then I saw him. Barry. Sex. Sex. God. Like, two years after that. And at that point, also, I wore a back brace at the time. There was just all of this stuff that.

[Jameela Jamil]

You and me both.

[Katherine Blandford]

You had a back brace?

[Jamie Loftus]

Yes. It really builds character.

[Jameela Jamil]

Would we tweet each other about it?

[Katherine Blandford]

I feel.

[Jamie Loftus]

I feel like back in the day, maybe. We did back in the day.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like, we used to, like, tweet each other about our back brace, our mutual illnesses. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

Wait, is that a community? The back brace community?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah. It's for sexy bitches. Sorry, you're not in it. Yeah, sorry.

[Jamie Loftus]

You haven't heard that.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's crazy. I want one. That's crazy.

[Katherine Blandford]

Somebody throw me down the steps.

[Jameela Jamil]

Ugh.

[Jamie Loftus]

You don't want one. You smell crazy.

[Katherine Blandford]

Really?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. It's such a crazy smell.

[Jamie Loftus]

It's a bad, weird smell.

[Jameela Jamil]

Feet and cheese and all kinds of things. And it's like, I bathed, but it just.

[Jamie Loftus]

Did you wear. Cause, like, I wore clothes over mine, so it was like, I wore, like, gigantic T shirts. Yeah. And then.

[Jameela Jamil]

So I look like Optimus Prime.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

It was really boxy. There was, like, a rumor about me my freshman year of high school that I wore a bulletproof vest to school because I was afraid of school, and I didn't correct it. Cause I was like, that's actually better.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, that is actually cooler.

[Jamie Loftus]

It's probably better. I was like, yeah, I wear a bulletproof vest just because I'm afraid of everybody.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Just. I'm on the run from cartel, so.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, don't f. With me.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah, exactly. I'm. Well, I feel like it really Telegraphs fear more than anything else. But I saw Barry Sax God years later, and I was like, please. Just, like, out of curiosity. It was for a girl, right? And he was like, no, it was for the saxophone. You were distracting me from the saxophone. And by that point, he was, like, about to, like, like, join a master's program for the saxophone. And he's a saxophone professor. He was serious. He just broke up.

[Jameela Jamil]

The saxophone is the love of his life.

[Katherine Blandford]

There was another girl.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, there.

[Katherine Blandford]

Do you think he was sticking it up his ass? True. I think that's what you have to do in grad school. For saxophone.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah. You have to put your dick in the saxophone.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

Well, you have to do it at the audition. You don't get in unless you.

[Jameela Jamil]

God, it's like whiplash. And.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Doesn't she get dumped for the drums?

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes.

[Jamie Loftus]

Way cooler to get dumped for the drums, I think.

[Katherine Blandford]

Really?

[Jamie Loftus]

I think so.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think the worst part of all of it was being dumped by someone who's called themselves Barry Sack, Sex God. Like, I think. I think the moment you continued to DM him or IM him after that was really your ultimate wrong turn.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

But it was like the writing was on the screen name.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah. From moment one, I knew what he was gonna leave me for. And it was the very sad.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. When people tell you who they are, believe them, even if it sounds into their screen names.

[Jamie Loftus]

That's what she was talking about when she said that.

[Katherine Blandford]

100%.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was directly to you. It's better to be left for, like, a super goddess than an inanimate object.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah. There's nowhere to put those feelings. There's nowhere to put those feelings, except. Except, like, when you pee them out.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

For example. And you did that girl. Hot dog.

[Jamie Loftus]

Where do you put those? Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

Do you not like songs with saxophones in them?

[Jameela Jamil]

Such a good question. Careless Whisper must be a nightmare.

[Katherine Blandford]

You haven't done it all.

[Jamie Loftus]

I've grown. I've grown. I've grown to love the saxophone again.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, wow.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

But there was.

[Jamie Loftus]

I mean, the good thing is, if you don't want to listen to saxophone music, it's actually pretty easy to avoid. Like, if he played the drums or the guitar, I would have been fine. But, you know, you can avoid a sassy.

[Jameela Jamil]

Just Enya. Just have to listen to Enya for the rest of your life. Fucking excellent. Thank you so much. Thank you for sharing that deeply vulnerable story. You two have been such a delight, and I didn't know either of you very nearly at all, other than Admiring you from afar and then DMing you about personal health stuff back in the day. And it's been such a joy and I feel like we've really bonded. Yeah, there's such an ease to this table. Now, before you go, I want to share another misery story. This one's from a listener this time. We called it Misery Loves Company. So a listener in Australia writes, my husband and I decided to go to Sydney and get a fancy hotel room. We checked in, go to the really nice room and immediately decide to christen it right in the living area. As you walk in, he's giving it to me from behind. Fucking go on, mate. We are right in the middle of it and having a quite lovely time when the door opens and a family of four opens the door and has a great view of exactly how doggy style works. I scream, get the fuck out. Later, I call the front desk asking what happened? And they say, sometimes, oh, my God, this is my nightmare. They give people a tour of the rooms to see the view, and I say, well, they sure as shit did that. What are you gonna do about it? I'm mortified. They ultimately agree to giving us a free breakfast, which I told them they could shove up their ass.

[Jamie Loftus]

Oh, my.

[Katherine Blandford]

Go.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God. Can you imagine?

[Jamie Loftus]

How is that allowed to just tour a room that someone is staying in?

[Katherine Blandford]

That's so crazy.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's my nightmare.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. And it's the worst for the children.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

Right. You now have to be like, let the boy walk. He's like, no, I never want to go on vacation again.

[Jameela Jamil]

Are you joking? That's not how teenage boys work. No, he's like, let's go on vacation again. Can we see any other rooms? I'm not sure about this view. What about the other side of the hotel? Before we go, can you tell everyone where they can find you?

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes, I'm at its Katherine Blandford on all social media, katherineblanford.com for tour dates.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hooray.

[Jamie Loftus]

I'm Jamie Cray, superstar on all platforms.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, you are.

[Jamie Loftus]

And, yeah, I haven't updated that in.

[Jameela Jamil]

A bunch of years. It should be Sex God.

[Jamie Loftus]

Jamie Sax Sex God. Oboe Sax Sex God. And you can get my book Raw, the Naked Truth About Hot Dogs Everywhere.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yay.

[Jameela Jamil]

You guys have been amazing. Thank you.

[Jamie Loftus]

Thank you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com you can find full length videos of our episodes on YouTube. And don't forget to subscribe like review wherever you get your podcasts and tell your friends about us. And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. If that's enough of me, I'm gonna fuck off now.

[Katherine Blandford]

Bye.

[Verizon Announcer]

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze. Talk about refreshing. You know what else is refreshing this summer? A brand new phone with Verizon.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yep.

[Verizon Announcer]

Get a new phone on any plan with select phone, trade in in MyPlan and lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan. This is a deal for every everyone whether you're a new or existing customer. Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals. 3 year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only. Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Summer's here and you can now get almost anything you need for your sunny days delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well groomed lawn delivered, but you can get a chicken parmesan delivered. A cabana? That's a no. But a banana? That's a yes. A nice taste pan? Sorry, nope. But a box fan? Happily, yes. A day of sunshine?

[Katherine Blandford]

No.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

A box of fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for detail.