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C
I'm just helping this catch people's attention. This is a great deal.
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D
Fine.
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Get the new iPhone 16e available at Apple Store locations and the Apple Store online.
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Visit your nearest Boost Mobile store for full offer details. Apple Intelligence requires iOS 18.1 or later. Restrictions apply.
D
Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is a podcast where misery loves company. We're not here to try and be inspiring. We own our clusterfucks. We celebrate our clusterfucks. We. We don't even really celebrate them, we just accept them as one. My guest today joining me is actor and comedian whose new Netflix special is Raging Fool. He hosts a very popular YouTube podcast, what's Up Fool? And he's currently performing around the country with his At My Leisure tour is Felipe Espaza.
E
What's up, everybody? What's up? Thanks for having me.
D
And we have comedian, writer and actor from the Big Sick, Bob's Burgers, Merdeville, and importantly the Good Place. He co hosts the Bananas podcast and his latest comedy special is Perfectly Stupid. It's Kurt Braunaller. Hello.
C
Hello. Hi.
D
Hi. How are you?
C
I'm very good. Happy to be here.
D
I'm so happy that you're here. I'm so excited to hear about all of your miserable events. Would you guys consider yourselves lucky or unlucky? Kurt.
C
Lucky.
D
Lucky.
C
Lucky.
D
Okay, smug. Moving on from you immediately, Felipe, very lucky. Oh, for fuck's sake. Jesus Christ.
E
My brother are watching. They're fucked up when he got lucky.
D
Yeah. And yet, in spite of your luck, would you say that disaster is drawn to you, or are you drawn to disaster?
E
Yes, I. I've had other comics tell younger comics that even if you have back in the days, if you have Philippe. Comedian Philippe. As far as in the car, no matter what, you're gonna get pulled over. Even though there's nothing wrong with the car, he attracts the police.
D
Okay. And what about you? I mean, I heard. Yeah, I think we're gonna call them soon. No.
E
And immigration. No.
D
Yeah. Oh, my God. Kurt, what about you?
C
I feel like I've made a lot of bad choices in my life. Even though I do consider myself lucky. I almost consider myself lucky because of the number of bad choices I've made.
D
And you're still alive.
C
That I'm still alive.
D
Yeah. Yeah. I feel exactly the same way. Do you have examples of any kind of micro bad choices or micro humiliations?
C
Oh, this is one of the most humiliating things that has happened to me ever. I was 18 years old. I grew up in New Jersey, and I grew up surfing. And I was at Manasquan Inlet, which is a very famous surf spot in central New Jersey.
D
Lovely.
C
And. And I get there and the waves are pumping, and I'm very excited. A very. I'm horny for surfing. I'm 18 years old and I just. I got my wetsuit on.
D
Excited and horny. Is there a boner?
C
No. No boat.
D
It's a bona free story. Okay.
C
Yeah. I was horny for a dolphin. And.
E
And.
C
But what was amazing was no one was out. No one was out surfing. Usually waves are this good. It's going to be packed. And so I was, like, very quickly, like, putting my wetsuit on, putting my leash on. And. And I just start running because I'm like, I can't believe my luck. That for some reason it's good waves and nobody's surfing. And as I get to the water's edge, I wasn't holding my leash. Usually you hold your leash so that you don't trip. And I wasn't. I was just so excited, I just started running. And so I tripped over my own leash, like, got it caught in my foot and went down hard, like, face first on the sand, like, right before the water, so that, like, the water then just, like, comes and, like, touches you almost rudely, you know, to say, you could have, like, landed in the water on you. Yeah. And then I got up and I was like, that was very embarrassing. But I looked to my right. Nobody there. And then I looked to my left. And the reason that there was no one surfing was that there was a surf competition going on.
D
Oh.
C
And so there's a huge tent and hundreds of people, but they're behind, like a line that they've drawn in the sand so that people can't go on this side of the sand. And I had just run through hundreds of people just watching me run and then trip and hit the ground. And I just turned around and I'm 18 too. Like, so big. It feels so big. And I just walked and got up of my car, and I did not go.
E
So you were a Cuban from North Bergen.
D
Oh. Oh, that is that so upsetting. I feel your pain. I am. It's not the same at all, but I love to bring it back to me. I at school, was already being bullied, was already a loser, was already made fun of being, like, super dyspraxic, not good at any sports. And then somehow it feels relevant that it was like the height of eating disorder, culture and heroin chic. But someone had left. Like, there were Slim Fast cans all over the school. And we had five flights of stairs and no elevator. And I tripped over someone's Slim Fast can that they'd left on the stairs, fell backwards, broke both of my legs, and then had to, for the next, I think, three or four months that my legs took to heal, had to use crutches to get up and down the stairs. Cause we had no elevator. It was very. Not designed, labeled, friendly.
C
Oh, my God. How big was this SlimFast can that you tripped over?
D
It was pretty big. It was pretty big.
C
It seems like it's a very small can to cost me.
D
It's a normal size. In the 90s, it was a meal replacement. How fucking dare you, Kurt, Whose side are you on? Jesus Christ. You just got here.
C
I feel like about all the bullies.
D
Yeah, I just didn't. Yeah, you put that can there. We're the same age, but, yeah.
E
They were metal. They were 10.
D
Yes, exactly. So I went down, and then I fell on it again, and then I just went backwards down the stairs. And it was just. It's an old Victorian school. Like, Queen Elizabeth went to that school. Queen Victoria, I think, went to that school. So we don't know who those people are. Old, creepy.
E
Yeah, Those people were sleeping on servants.
C
Yeah.
D
So, yeah. So there I was, lying on the floor, covered in Slim Fast and spent many a month hobbling around the school, being 25 minutes late to every single class. So that was cool.
C
It is the most surprising way to be hurt by eating disorder epidemic.
D
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had anorexia. And yet that was the most dangerous part of it. Yeah. Crazy.
C
Well, that's why you broke both legs. You Would have only broke one. Didn't have enough calcium density.
D
And what about you, Felipe?
E
I was going. I was in public school and I stepped on a crack pipe, cut my foot. Not just good. O.J. simpson went there, man.
D
Did Queen Elizabeth also go to your school?
E
Yeah, when I was a kid, I was like, I was quiet all the time. I didn't really argue with my parents. I would hold everything in. Then one day I said, fuck this, you know, I'm gonna give my peace of my mind. And I started.
D
Wait, what was it? What was it over? Do you remember?
E
I don't remember, man. Probably like, I don't want to watch that television show. I think that's what it was. We had one television, and after 8 o', clock, my dad would put it to boring ass banish shows. And that, that. That show was like a part two, and we're gonna miss part two. And back then there was no social media. So if you miss part two, it's gone forever. You gotta wait till they invent DVDs, because you're gonna see that. So there was like a standoff between putting the channel back to whatever they want to watch. And I said that shit, we're gonna watch our show. I kept arguing. You better sit down. No, you sit down. And then, like, my brother came by and pants me in front of everybody. Everybody saw my pee.
D
Wait, wait. So again, wait, sorry, sorry. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you go up to your parents to start the confrontation.
E
There's more of us than you. And I kept arguing and my brother got behind me and J put my pants down.
C
Just pants and underwear.
E
Pants. No, Bravo in pajamas. They saw my dark ass balls and everything. Dude, not like your balls. Your balls, like, pink, like cotton candy. Mine are like burnt meatballs, bro, from ikea.
C
I often describe my balls as cotton candy colored.
D
How old were you?
E
Probably like 13, 12, 11.
D
I don't know about dark balls already at that age.
E
Yeah, man, I was bad done.
D
Well played.
E
But it was funny because, like, I was like in a good, you know, I was in a row, man. But then when I got passed down, I was more. I do, like, all the way down. And I couldn't come back to that.
D
You can't go back to rage from there.
E
Yeah, rage from that. Just. All right, let's watch that stupid ass show. My favorito.
D
How long was it before you stood up for yourself again in life, Felipe?
E
Oh, my dad and I, we got, like, into a fist fight.
D
Holy shit.
E
When I was like 20 or 19.
D
Okay.
E
And I forgot for what? Already?
D
And then your brother pulled your dick out?
E
No, my brother got behind me and humped me. No, he got behind me and try to help me. He got behind me with a throat. And then my. My cousin was there, and then my dad started punching me in the face.
D
Okay, well, that wasn't where I thought that would go.
E
And that's why I like coke.
D
Fuck me. I can only relate in that the only time I've ever. I hate when people are late for me. It's like one of my biggest bugbears ever. And the first bugbear. Is that not what it's called?
C
Oh, I love having a bugbear. I had never heard it before.
D
It's actually cool because I always say everything wrong. Like I said, don't kick a gift horse in the mouth. No one would do that. Why would anyone kick a gift horse anywhere?
C
I feel like bugbear sounds right. So maybe it's just a British thing at all.
D
It's like people being. It's not even beyond. It's beyond a pet peeve. I think it's like the rudest thing in the world. I go. I lose my mind over lateness and I never say anything. And I. Because I don't want to be intense. I don't want to be the intense anal friend. I want to be cool. I want to be breezy. But one time, my friend was like two or three hours late and I hadn't heard from her. And I'm texting her and texting her and I cannot get hold of her. It's an insane, insane amount. We're supposed to spend the whole day together. So I'm like, she's being super casual about this. Yes. She knows I don't have plans later because we've got the whole day blocked out, but this shit. So I finally got the courage to phone her house to confront her. And I confront. I call up the house. I'm fucking ready to go. I'm ready to give whoever it is a piece of my mind. Her daughter picks up the phone and she's died. My friend has died.
C
Oh, my God. Yeah, the best reason to be late.
D
Yeah, that is the best, craziest reason. And I called up and it was ages of me ranting before her daughter had an opportunity to tell me what.
C
Oh, my God.
D
What had happened with my friend. So I know that I took it to a dark place. I blame Felipe.
E
Were you leaving messages, mean messages to her?
D
I'd left so many mean messages. They'd gotten, like, progressively, like, more and more aggressive about like the way that I feel that she undermines me in the friendship. Like it was just like everything that you wish that you had never said to a friend as the final words were just all the worst. And she's probably like dying and seeing these angry. I just. I have no. I've never recovered from that. So now I just sit patiently and quietly and just pray when anyone's late.
C
First off. I'm so sorry.
D
Thank you. Thank you.
C
That. That happened.
D
It was a long time ago. So I'm okay. But. Yeah.
C
How old were you?
D
I was 26.
C
Oh, holy shit.
D
Yeah.
C
That's intense.
D
Yeah. Little intense.
C
And that you're gonna spend the whole day together. Like there was an anticipation to see that person. It's not like someone dying when they're.
D
But I really, like. I really gave it to her daughter. Like. And she was just completely silent and I was like, so where is she? And she said, mommy's dead. And I fucking lost my mind. So there you go. I didn't plan on telling that story even five minutes ago. But now it's happened.
C
I feel like we're closer now.
D
Yeah, I agree.
E
You're going to baptize that girl.
D
Yeah. All right. I think we'll be back after the break. Guys.
B
Listen up. You can get the new iPhone 16e with Apple Intelligence for just 49.99 when you switch to boost mode. We pulled so many all nighters to give you this deal. And Haze, stop messing with the mic.
C
I'm just helping us catch people's attention. This is a great deal.
B
Exactly. So it doesn't need all that.
D
Fine.
B
Head to your nearest Boost mobile store right now.
C
Visit your nearest Boost mobile store for full offer details. Apple Intelligence requires iOS 18.1 or later. Restrictions apply.
F
Why choose a sleep number Smart bed?
D
Can I make my site softer?
C
Can I make my site firmer?
G
Can we sleep cooler?
F
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D
How do you make an Airbnb? A VRBO picture a vacation rental with a host who's showing you every room like you've never seen a house before. Now get rid of them. There you go. No host ever. Now it's A verbo. Make it a verbo. Okay. And we're back. So, Kurt, tell me, what was your big wrong turn?
C
Okay, my big wrong turn. This is probably. Oh, it must be 15 years ago, 16 years ago. 17, 18 years ago, I was living in New York City and I had come out to LA for two weeks. And so I was like, out here just, like, trying to meet people and do auditions and stuff like that. And my manager calls me and he's like, hey, I got an audition for you. No, no, sorry, he doesn't say that. He says, hey, can you speak German? And obviously I look like the IT guy from the Nazis. I get it. Like, I should be able to speak German. I'm like, no, I can't speak German.
E
Especially Deutsche. Nicks are good.
C
And then he's like, okay. And he hangs up. He calls me back and he says, can you speak in, like, a German accent? And I was like, ah, you know, like, accents aren't really my thing. Like, I can do, like, a bad one based on, like, 1920s German submarine movies. You know, like that sort of thing. And he's like, okay. And he hangs up. He calls me back. He's like, I got an audition for you.
D
Oh, my God.
C
And I'm like, I am sure I am not perfect for it.
D
It.
C
And so he sends me in and I get there and it's primarily improvising. I was doing a lot of improv at the time. And so I'm improvising with this, like, terrible German accent. Very stupid.
D
Can you do a bit? Hello?
C
Yeah, we having nice time? Yeah.
D
Oh, little Japanese in there. Okay.
E
British guy pretending to be, I guess, SS soldier.
D
Oh, God.
C
So, yeah, so now. And so I do that for a little while. And then she says the casting director in the room's like, okay, so do you speak German? And. And then that's where I was like, this is my big brother, Rick. I'm here. I'm in Hollywood. Like, just do it. And I'm like, yes, I.
D
A little bit like Fanny Bryce. Do I speak German?
C
And she's like, okay, well, can you speak a little German for me? And then I know she doesn't speak German, so I just make up German sounding words. Give me an idea of like, ein kleiner weiheisenswatten Heinen. Ah, neins, ein.
D
You've just taken the word Heineken and set it up.
C
Yeah, set it up in different ways.
E
Wow, that's good, dude.
C
And so she's like, okay. She's like, so we're gonna Bring you in for this. Do you know what it's for? And I was like, no, I do not. No one's told me. They said, it's a secret. And she said, it's for the new Sacha Baron Cohen movie. And that's all I know. And it turns out it's the Bruno movie where he has. Is it the Bruno movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where he has a German. A German assistant. Assistant, right. And in the movie, if you see the movie, the German assistant looks very much like me.
D
Yeah, yeah.
C
And so, like, maybe that spoils it. But obviously, if this is a humiliating.
D
Story, it's not that I got the part.
C
It doesn't end with me getting this part. So I go in. So I go the next day. And I've never been. I've never been on a movie audition.
D
And you're aware of. Of Sasha Baron Cohen.
C
Sacha Baron Cohen, at the time, is my comedy hero. I had had, like, early VHS tapes from the UK of. Of, like, his early stuff, Ali G and stuff like that. And I just thought he was, like, brilliant.
D
I thought he was, like, national treasure.
C
He was a national treasure. And I was just, like, so impressed by him. And I was, like, very nervous that. At the idea that I would be in a. In a movie with him. And I've never been on. I've never been on a movie audition. I've never been on a producer's audition, and I've never really been in an audition in Los Angeles, which are very different from New York rooms. And so I go. And it's on a lot. And it's in one of these, like, old buildings. On a lot. Feels very like you're enveloping the history.
D
Of Hollywood as you're walking in. It's old. Yeah, yeah, Right.
C
And the waiting room is just a hallway. And there's a guy sitting next to me. He goes in and then he comes out, and then there's someone else in there auditioning. And in the hallway, all you hear is a room of people losing their minds, laughing so hard.
D
What a horrible feeling.
C
It's like I was listening to it, thinking, there's not even time for anyone to have said anything.
D
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
C
They're just screen laughing for 30 minutes straight, like the biggest party is happening.
D
That's a nightmare.
C
Yeah. And then it finally ends, and I'm out there for 30 minutes and this, like, petite Asian man skips out and he's like, good luck. And then, like, skips down the hall. And I was just like, are we auditioning? For the same part. Like, does he speak German? Like, what's happening? And then I walk in and it's a room probably like four times the size of this room.
D
Yeah.
C
And it's all. There's chairs along all the walls and there's probably 25 people in this room and they're all in chairs along the wall. And, and including Jonah Hill for some reason. And I was like, what the fuck? Why is Jonah Hill here? You know, like, in my mind I was like, this is what happens. You walk into these rooms in Hollywood and Jonah Hill is always there. It's a bunch of producers at Jonah Hill for some reason. And then Sacha Baron Cohen is behind a gigantic desk. Like, you could not imagine a more like Dr. Evil intimidating way. Yeah, 100%. He's got a baseball cap on and he's sitting behind a giant desk. And I walk in and I'm just standing there. Everyone else is sitting, obviously. And the director says, okay, so thank you so much for coming. First question. So we understand you speak German.
D
Oh God.
C
And then I was just like, I just gotta do this. This is. I gotta do it. I was like, yes, I do.
D
It's the Homeland tagline. The only way out is back in.
C
Yeah, there's no way. There's no way to get out of here except for going through. And so I was like, I do. And they're like, great, well, why don't you get up and just start speaking some German with Sasha? And I was like, okay. And then Sasha starts speaking German to me.
D
Oh, fuck.
C
And I. And like he actually speaks German. And you know, to me it sounds like a series of beeps and whistles, you know, like, I don't know what he's saying. And so then I just like look at him dead in the eye and I'm just like, wieheisen ein kleiner wattensen aufstronen von sense eiden heine feine. And then smile this big shit eating grin around the room, like, pretty fucking good, huh? You know, like, just, I gotta sell it. And, and, and like Sasha looks at me like, like almost with a tilted head, like a dog who's heard a whistle. Yeah. And. And, and I, like, he's confused obviously, because I. It's just I've walked in for the biggest interview of my life and I've sat down and after the first question of like, so tell me a little bit about yourself. I just gone, man. And then smiled at everyone in the room like a fudgeing lunatic. So then he asked Me another question.
D
And the funniest thing about all of this is that Jonah Hill just thinks you're probably speaking really good job. And back to him.
C
That's why.
D
Because no one else knows.
C
No one else knows except for Sasha.
D
And Jonah's like, this German man is so impressive.
C
And what a smile. Yeah, he's really selling it. And then he asked me another question and I'm like, again, like. And, and then, and then he just looks over at this, this producer and says something to the producer in German. And then I was like, oh, fuck, there are German producers in the room. And then the producer starts talking to me in German. And I remember, on reflection, in the moment, I didn't think of it.
D
It's so painful.
C
On reflection, I remember that the German producer, the question he asked me, he said, mase und fahde. So I believe that's mother and father. So he was asking me a question that involved the words, are you German.
D
On your mother or father's side?
C
And in my mind, what I was thinking was, all the other answers have been about this length. I should just have a short answer for this one. Because not all answers need a lot of words, right? So I just went nine. And there's no world in which a question with the scent, with the words mom and dad in it, can you say no to. Because everybody has a mom and a dad. So, so then, so then Sasha's just like. And to the director, and the director's like, okay, well, thank you so much for coming.
D
But wait, did he not even find that funny that you're chancing it?
C
No.
D
That's so disappointing.
C
It was so disappointing.
D
I'm willing to go on camera and say, that's so disappointing, given that his whole thing, this whole thing is bullshiting all the way through and you just did the, you like out bullshit. His bullshit. Like, it's, it's. It's incredible. I'm so surprised to hear that he.
C
Was, he was not. He was very up for it. I think he really wanted someone who spoke German and he didn't even want to entertain someone who couldn't. Right?
E
Wow.
D
And so, like the balls of steel, there had to have been a role for you.
C
And that's why I, that's why I was just like, got to do it because, like that, like, what would Sasha Baron Cohen do? He would do this. He would, he would, he would just.
D
Commit to the unhinged.
C
He would just commit.
D
Imagine Sasha Baron Cohen, of all people, being like, I just don't think he's Taking this very seriously.
C
So fudgeing insane he might have been, but then. But then. So, like, the director's, like, thanking me for my time. As he's thanking me for my time. The casting director, bless her heart. Bless her heart. She says, he's a really good improviser. And the director's like, all right, all right. Want you to get up and improvise with Sasha for a little while. And I was like, okay. And that is something that I can do.
D
You have big pink balls of steel, Kurt. Jesus fucking Christ.
E
Gumballs.
C
After all of that. The old cotton candies after all that. But that's a place where I felt comfortable. Do you know? I was like, thank fucking God I don't have to speak fake German anymore. So I get up and we start improvising. And I'm again doing this terrible German accent. And he's. You know, the whole thing is that he's, like, abusive to this guy. So he's just being abusive to me and, like, demanding that I do things. And then I'm trying to find, like, creative ways to do them to, like. And we're starting to get.
D
You have to be shocking.
C
Yeah, exactly.
D
Left field. Yeah, yeah.
C
So we're starting. I'm starting to get some laughs in the room. And I was like, okay, great. All right. I was feeling good. And then, like, the fourth or fifth thing that he asked me to do, he says, clean my glasses. And so I instinctually, like, reach for them with my mouth, and I take them in my mouth, thinking, wait, wait, wait, wait.
D
They're on his face with your mouth.
C
Takes them off. He goes, clean my glasses. And so I just take them from him with my mouth and thinking, like, it's an interesting choice. And then I proceed to lick clean, of course, his glasses all the way up and down, down into the corners, all the way around. And then while I'm doing it, Sasha goes, stop. Clean those off. And he breaks character, and he's like, clean those off. And I was like, oh, yeah, of course, of course. Get paper, like, tissues from the kitchen, you know, from the table. And I clean them off. I think he does. I think he really didn't like that.
D
Isn't he the guy that got someone to stick their finger, like, up his ass? What is going on?
C
He really did not like that. And I, like, gave them back. And then the audition was over at that point, and then they're like, okay, thank you. And then I exited out and never heard from them again. But it was so deeply humiliating and all my own Fault. But it does seem like. It does seem like he did. This man who has never broken character, did break character because he hated me that fucking much. Oh, my. My comedy hero. I left with the disdain of my comedy hero.
D
Have you ever been able to enjoy his work since?
C
No, I have not.
D
No.
C
And I have been in the same room with him multiple times, and I have yet to, like, approach him. No, we have not been introduced personally. Like, we've been in the. In the same area. And I have never gone up to him and said, that's so. And said, do you remember this? That stupid thing.
D
That's so crazy to me to learn that he's got so many lines, like, not finding the glasses thing funny when that's the clear choice. What else were you supposed to do that would be funny? I'm not saying it's the clear choice. What are you supposed to do? Piss on them? Like, what else is there to do? Yeah, there's nothing else you can do. I think you should have gotten the role.
C
Thank you so much.
D
I'm pissed on your behalf.
C
The man who got the role is a German man. So he, like, speaks fluent German?
D
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it wasn't the little Asian guy?
C
No, the little Asian guy also was in the movie. He's like another, but a totally different part.
D
Oh, man. Oh, man. That is a. That is a series of wrong turns.
C
Yes.
D
All of which are absolutely phenomenal. I got my audition for the Good Place by saying that I'd done theater in England, which was a fucking technical truth, because as a child, we went. We had. I had a. I went to a primary school that was for children with disabilities, and we had a tiny, very low little stage that we'd all be able to get on it. And that is technically a stage in England. And I played tree number three in Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. So when they asked me if I had any experience as an actor, which I didn't. Technically I did, I said I did some theatre in England.
C
Wait, what?
D
And that always sounds so esteemed to Americans, you know, because they imagine the West End and who am I to break the bubble?
C
You don't need to.
D
Exactly.
C
Yeah. If they can't imagine other theaters.
D
Yeah.
C
Other than the biggest theaters.
D
What do you think about the disabled school? Theater stage? The mild platform? That's on you, buddy.
C
I apologize for not knowing. What was your disability? Dysphoria.
D
I couldn't hear as a child. And dyspraxia and all of this dyspraxia. It's an inability to use your body correctly. So you are very, very, like clinically clumsy. Fall over all the time. Miss. There was a game that the cast of the Good Place used to play at me, not with me, called think fast and just throw things at me. Knowing that I.
C
You would just get hit by.
D
I just got hit by like cans and muffins, like all the time. I knew that I would never be able to grab them. I had a great time on that show. But yeah, no, I was just. I was just a mess. It was like a puddle with nipples is how I would describe the first.
E
I've seen that movie.
D
The first Twerk your first orgasm to that movie. Great, great, great. Anyway, on that note, we'll be back after the break.
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And we are back. Okay, Felipe.
E
Yes.
D
You're up. What was your wrong turn?
E
Oh, I was doing a show in Phoenix, Arizona at the Celebrity theater. And that was my first time headlining that theater. And the theater, it revolves around the whole theater.
D
Oh, wait, so it's a round theater and so you're in the stage in the middle. Okay. Oh, that always feels like terrifying.
E
Yes, terrifying also if you don't fill up the theater.
D
Okay.
E
Which was my case, I didn't put it up. So I'll be. I'll be like telling a joke to you guys. And when I got to the punchline, I have to turn my whole body around because now I'm facing nothing. Like, nothing. Trash. There was nothing. So I got there a day earlier to do press for the to do the promoter show. And the. The club manager of the theater, the celebrity theater, he. I knew him from the Coach House and some other theater and California that he ran. So we're like, friends. So he told me, hey, Diana Ross is performing tonight. If. If you're not doing nothing, I'll give it two tickets. So I said, diana Ross. I'm not, like, dying to see her, but Dana Ross, free tickets, front row.
C
So what else are you gonna do in Phoenix?
E
What am I gonna do, man? So I said, all right, I'll take them. I'll take them. I call up an old friend of mine that I knew, and she was ready, and we went to the Diana Ross concert. It was a long concert. She had, like. She changed outfits the whole night, and the whole audience was Latino, by the way. And.
D
Wait, so she's playing the same venue that you're about to not sell out the night after?
E
It's packed. Oh, it is sold out.
C
Y. Yeah.
E
You know what?
D
You have a very vivid image of what it looks like when you're successful in this venue. Okay.
E
It was so sold out that you can't even tell that the thing was moving, you know, when I was there.
C
Wait, the whole stage rotates?
E
Yeah, the whole stage rotates.
C
Oh, my God.
E
So I went out. When I. I went down the next day, my. Do my show. It was halffield. Yeah. So rotating to the empty audience.
C
Oh, my God.
E
I was trying to get.
D
I was wondering why you were turning around. I was like, stop turning around.
E
So I'm at the concert. It is a great concert.
C
They should have just said it so that it does. Like an oscillating fan, just avoiding the area of the audience that's. That doesn't have anybody in it.
E
So the. After the concert, we go. We go to drink and wait.
D
Has this been kind of a date? Like, did you. Do you fancy this old friend? And you were like, every. Yeah, women love.
E
Whenever I went to Arizona, so. So what did you just say? What?
D
What did you just say?
E
Whenever I went to Arizona.
D
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
C
It's an Arizona fancy. That's a term.
E
Yeah. So. So I don't know much about her. Not at all. Just her first name, phone number. That's it. I don't even know where she lives. So after the concert, we're back to her place. I never been to her place. And so we're having a good time and drinking, smoking, and so we're having sex, bro. And. And I have. I didn't think it was gonna be sex.
D
We Hard launch that so fast. We go back to her place, we're drinking and we're having sex, bro.
E
I have condoms. And I, and I. And the condom that I have, I didn't buy them at cbs. Somebody had given to me one of those places where they're practicing state after the show. They give condom to everybody. So I didn't know. So we're having sex and I hear like knocking, you know, like knocking. Two in the morning. And he goes, and he goes. She goes, oh, my God. Who. Who the would that be? And I'm like behind her. I don't know. You live here, you should know. I don't know anybody here. Unless. Then I hear like. Then I hear you, you better open the door. And I was like, still, like behind her going, yeah, that's for you.
D
Definitely for you. And you're still shacking.
E
Still have, still going at it, man. Like I was in there deep and oh my God, like drinking, Drinking trenches like Shaw Shack, homie. Me, the great escape. So we hear glass break, right? Glass break.
D
Are you hoping to quickly come before all of this happens? Like, what's going on?
E
Hey, man, you only get one chance in life.
D
I was wrong. This is an inspiring look at this case.
E
Atana Ross. You think I could convince a girl to go? Deanna Ross? Yeah, I would have to get share tickets.
D
Yeah.
E
So he goes. So she runs, she runs out, leaves me there naked. And then when I look down, I had a glow in the dark condo.
D
Yeah.
E
The light was going off people. And so I ran, dude, I was butt naked to a run. I ran.
D
And you've left the condom on your modesty, obviously. Yeah, just, just dark black balls, dark.
E
B now light bug.
C
Condom. Yeah, Bouncing down the bouncing man.
E
Hitting my nutsack and my stomach. So he's, he's, he's like. So he's. I locked myself in and I could see him, you know, like looking for errors. But she's.
D
Where, where have you locked yourself?
E
The bathroom.
D
So you've not. She's left the house.
E
She left the house. I don't know where she went. And that's why I tell people now, man. Like when you go to someone's house, you don't know. You lose the home field advantage, you know?
D
Yeah, yeah.
E
You don't know the escape routes. So I'm just in a bathroom and I'm a big guy, so I'm holding the door. So he's trying to force himself in. He goes, come on here. Motherfucker goes, fuck you, man. He goes, you're fucking my lady. Yeah.
D
Why are you egging him on?
E
No, he's asking me questions and you're.
C
Going to be honest.
E
And then, like, it was integrity. I felt bad for him, you know, I'm. Open the door. But. But then I got stupid, you know, because I could hear him, like, crying, you know?
D
But also I feel as though actually had you let the door just be open, you would have probably been quite safe because no one's going to fight a grown naked man with a. With a glow in the dark.
E
Condom.
D
Condom on his dick. I think that's the safest you could be as a person.
E
Yeah.
C
Yeah. It would probably touch you, you know, like, oh, my God, your dick glows too.
E
I got really quiet. I didn't hear anything anymore because then he got like, a knife. He was trying to break into the door, but he couldn't break in. He couldn't break in. I guess I was too big, too. Bigger than him. I didn't know at the time, but he was trying to stab the door. Then he got quiet, like the Shining, bro, Red Rum. And he. I got quiet. Then I got out and I said, don't fucking move. Don't fucking move. And there was like a flashlight. It was a Phoenix police department, and don't fucking move. So that piece of shit guy, he ran outside to the cops. Some naked guy broke into my house.
C
Oh, my God.
E
Yeah. Oh, no.
C
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
E
Yeah. And. And then. And I said, oh, man, where's that girl at? He goes, oh, my God. He goes, my license place is California. God, I don't even know how to get out of the neighborhood. Oh, no. So this guy broke into my house, man. He won't get out. And I said, wait a minute, man. There was a woman here, and we were having sex, and this crybaby came in, man, broke everything up. And then she came back from running, you know, drunk, you know, with her phone, you know, their towel, running around the neighborhood, like, you know, and she's. She could be. Yes. That's my ex. That's my ex. He was trying to break into our house, that guy, my boyfriend. I'm like, no, I'm not. So I'm still naked, man.
D
And you naked commitment phobe.
C
This would save you. This would save you. But you're like, I don't want to have labels right now.
E
Well, I'm not. And I'm naked. And the paramedics come. I don't know why. And then.
D
Well, because they think there's something really wrong with your Car. No, they don't know it's a condom.
E
Yeah, man. He put. So I had no clothes and I had a.
D
All I'm imagining is ET's finger.
E
Yes.
D
Lit up.
E
More his thumb. If I was, I'm glad I was naked. You know?
D
We're all glad you were naked.
E
Yeah.
D
Why are you glad you were naked?
E
Then it would have been physical. You know, I wouldn't have ran if I was naked and I wasn't naked.
D
Oh, you would have stayed and fought.
E
Yeah.
D
That's so funny.
E
That's a, like, biggest nightmare to fight a burglar naked.
D
Well, no, but also it brought back a childhood trauma from that time. You were going to stand up for yourself and then you got pantsed. It's like your dick is always out when you most need to defend yourself. It's a crazy trend in your life.
C
Well, this is a little bit therapy.
D
Well, you're welcome.
E
Thank you.
D
Thank you for that amazing story. You've both been so phenomenal. Before you go, I just want to share another wrong turn story. It just continues to make us all feel less alone. It's wrong turns Community. We call this part Misery Loves Company. So this person says, when I was a teenager, I was waiting at a temporary bus stop and accidentally walked into the tire that the bus stop pole was attached to. This little old lady grabbed me by the hand to stop me from falling over, which was so sweet of her. A few minutes later, the bus appeared at the top of the road and the lady said to me, don't worry, love, the bus is coming now. And I was a bit confused, but didn't think too much of it, so I just thanked her. Anyway, when the bus arrived, she held out her arm for me and it suddenly dawned on me that she thought that I was blind. She was being so helpful and I didn't want to embarrass her, so I just took her. So I just took her arm and let her lead me onto the bus and helped me find a seat, all the while looking down at the floor, pretending I couldn't see very well. I got off the bus a few stops later and tried to do my best blind person impression again. Ironically, my bus stop was right next to a blind school, which I reckon really helped my credibility. Ever regretful Naomi.
C
Oh, Naomi.
D
What a legend.
C
That is so great. Yeah, it's much easier to pretend to be blind for a couple bus stop rides than to pretend to be. No, I'm just an idiot.
D
I. I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago. When I first moved to la, something happens to my body when I get very, very cold and very nervous at the same time, where I start shaking uncontrollably. Like the big quake. Like, it. Like, it looks. It looks very disturbing. It looks like I'm having a kind of seizure. Like a very long, prolonged seizure. And there was this comic who I was a huge fan of and I've been a fan of since I was a teenager. And I just wanted to say, oh, I'm such a fan. I just wanted to walk up to her and just tell her what a big fan I've been of her for, like, 15 years. And as I'm approaching her, this freezing cold wind comes in out of the side. There was like a weird arctic wind in Los Angeles that day for some reason, and it managed to hit just me in that moment. And so now I'm cold and very nervous at the same time. The seizing shakes begin, and I can't get my words out. So I was like, oh, my God, I'm fan. And I'm shaking and I'm shaking. And so she immediately stops because she thinks something's very, you know, something's happening with me. She's like, oh, hi. And I was like. And she's like, are you okay? And I was like, yes, I'm f, F, F, F, F, F Fine. And she was like, oh, okay. So she tells all her people she's with just to give her a second, and she's now gonna stop and spend some time with me because I'm a fan with some special needs. And I was like. And she was like. And so I said to her, I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's no nothing wrong with me. And she was like, I know there is nothing wrong with you. He. There is nothing wrong with you, okay? And she starts giving me a fucking pep talk about my disability that she thinks I have. And I was like, no, no, I'm just cold. And she was like, it is cold. You know what? I'm also cold. Are you cold? Yeah, we're all cold. She was like, there's nothing wrong with you. It's a really cold day. And I was like. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She was like, honey, I know you're fine. You're amazing. She was like, do you want to walk me to my car? And so she lets me walk her all the way out through her car to speak to anyone else. She's completely focused on me and giving me all of her attention. And, like, gives me a big hug, gives me some free merch at the car, and I'm taking it in my shaking hands, continuously trying to explain to her that I'm fine. I'm just. I'm just shaking because I'm nervous. And she just gives me this huge hug and says goodbye. And, like, she keeps looking back as she's driving away. And then I've had to see her all the fucking time. And she now knows I'm absolutely fine. And I don't know how to have the conversation with her that I was just cold that fucking day.
C
So, yeah, he saw me, like, a.
D
Few weeks later because I was with Neil Brennan at the Comedy Store. He's a friend of mine. She was like, oh, she's, you know, she's making friends. So that's how she first came over. She was like, hi, sweetie. And I was like, hi. And there were just too many people there for me to explain. Explain what happened.
C
So you've never explained.
D
Freak. Yeah.
C
You've never explained to her, oh, wow.
D
I love it. It's just gonna be an ongoing thing where she thinks I'm a psychopath who is using her for free merch and some attention.
C
Who is it?
D
I'm not gonna.
C
Oh, God damn it.
D
Naomi. I feel you. I'm with you. Sometimes you just have to go with it. And going with it is exactly what everyone in this room has done. I can't believe your stories or how you both persevered through this. The fact that you continued to while the GL is one of the coolest and scariest things I've ever heard. It's like something out of a fucking bedroom. I adore you. I adore you. Thank you both for coming on. You've been so hilarious. Before you go, will you tell everyone where they can find you and what they should watch and listen to?
C
Yes, you can. Look me up. Kurtcomedy.com that's Kurt with K. Comedy with a C. You can listen to my podcast, Bananas Anywhere. It's strange news and storytelling.
D
I've been on it. It was hilarious.
C
Yes. Yeah, you can listen to that very funny episode. And you can watch my comedy special, Perfectly Stupid, anywhere. You watch comedy specials?
D
Sacha Baron Cohen, that's for you, Felipe.
E
I have a line of Glow in the Dark condoms now in Flavors. Banana Blueberry. I was special on Netflix. Raging fool on Netflix. Go watch it. Felipe Esparza. Felipeworld.com I have another podcast called History for Fools. Me and my friend Bush Escobar, we. We read one we listen to one book on audible and then we just talk about it like we read the whole thing on our podcast.
D
That sounds like the whole of high school. What a wonderful treat to get to talk to you both. Continue to go out to the world, create havoc. Come back and tell me more. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personal disasterstoriesmail.com youm can find full length videos of our episodes on YouTube. And don't forget to subscribe like review wherever you get your podcasts and tell your friends about us. And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now. Bye.
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Episode: Kurt Braunohler & Felipe Esparza
Date: August 21, 2025
In this episode of Wrong Turns, host Jameela Jamil is joined by comedians Kurt Braunohler and Felipe Esparza for a hilarious and cringeworthy reveling in life’s most mortifying moments. With the show’s signature irreverence, the trio dives into stories of embarrassment, public failures, and personal disaster—no lessons learned, no inspiring morals, just pure commiseration in human ridiculousness. As always, Jameela calls out the silver linings and instead invites her guests (and listeners) to simply accept and laugh at the chaos, reinforcing the show’s ethos: “where dignity goes to die.”
[02:04-03:19]
[03:26-05:22]
[05:29-07:20]
[07:40-09:47]
[10:32-13:17]
[14:55-28:07]
[32:00-41:41]
[41:41-42:48]
[43:02-46:17]
Wrong Turns once again delivers a cathartic blend of deeply awkward laughs and shared schadenfreude, with Jameela, Kurt, and Felipe going full-tilt into tales of public faceplants, sexual escapades gone wrong, and the moment when your entire world seems to collapse—only to realize it’s just another disaster to add to the pile. No lessons, no redemption—just potent proof that everyone, even the pros, is a walking disaster sometimes.
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“Continue to go out to the world, create havoc. Come back and tell me more.” – Jameela Jamil (47:53)