Laura Peek and Audrey Stewart

Summary

Podcast Summary: Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil
Episode: Laura Peek and Audrey Stewart
Date: May 14, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil delivers exactly what the show promises: outrageously embarrassing and mortifying personal stories from comedian guests, with zero morals, silver linings, or attempts to find the bright side. Jameela is joined by comedians Laura Peek and Audrey Stewart, both known for their sharp wit and vulnerability, to trade tales of disaster, humiliation, and bodily mishaps. The group also shares and celebrates a listener-submitted disaster story, cackling together over shared shame. Expect hilarious self-roasting, raw honesty, and the catharsis of laughing at your own lowest moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. ADHD Realness and Getting Diagnosed as Adults

• Both Laura and Audrey share their ADHD diagnoses and the chaos it brings to daily life.
  • Jameela: “Does disaster follow you around?” (05:20)
  • Audrey recounts her frantic journey to the studio, only to realize she’s at the wrong location, epitomizing classic ADHD confusion and lateness (05:36-06:06).
  • Laura discusses being recently diagnosed and the epiphany that she was always focused on depression/anxiety, never considering ADHD as the root (06:19-07:07).

2. Micro Humiliations: College Crushes & Period Fails

• Laura Peek’s Micro-Humiliation: The story of pursuing a beautiful college classmate, only for the highly-anticipated hookup to bomb.
  • Laura: “We have terrible sex... And I woke up in the morning, it’s 7am... he drops a pencil and just goes ‘Oh, my gosh’... I hate you. I’m getting out.” (08:11-11:08)
  • Key Quote: “Any man over the age of 10 who says ‘Oh, my gosh’, it’s American whoopsie daisy.” — Laura Peek (10:57)
• Audrey Stewart’s Micro-Humiliation: A harrowing period snafu at a country club pool in 8th grade.
  • Audrey stuffs toilet paper in her bathing suit due to a lack of supplies; toilet paper escapes during a high-dive and floats bloodied in the pool for all to see (13:01-13:47).
  • Audrey desperately tries to gaslight the crowd, blaming the pool for the bloody mess: “Don’t jump in, you guys, there’s a bunch of toilet paper in here for some freakin’ reason!” (13:47)

3. Group Therapy: Childhood, Embarrassment, and Gut-Wrenching Stories

• Jameela, Laura, and Audrey reflect on the un-cool origins of every comedian and the “wrong turns” that often start young.
  • Jameela: “If you’re in comedy, no one was extremely cool and popular at school.” (19:41)
• Laura’s Main Wrong Turn: The Ultimate Childhood Shame (Poop Edition)
  • In second grade, Laura unknowingly spends a whole school day with poop in her shorts. She bonds closely with the hottest boy, Richard, both commiserating about the mysterious “smell of shit” in the room. Only at the end of the day does Laura discover the source—herself.
  • Vivid description: “...I snake my little second grade finger in my little panties, and I pulled it out. It looked like a Twix.” (30:29-30:37)
  • Jameela, howling: “You just ruined my favorite chocolate bar.” (30:42)
  • Her teacher quietly helps her avoid humiliation: “She wraps up my little... panties, throws them, gets me a fresh pair of clothes, says, ‘Never gonna talk about any of this.’” (32:11-32:36)
  • “Literal gaslighting—ass-lighting.” — Jameela Jamil (34:22)

4. Audrey’s Main Wrong Turn: Vocal Cord Surgery & Sorority Life

• Audrey undergoes vocal cord surgery for nodules and a cyst—risking potentially permanent muteness. She recounts the month of forced silence with dark humor:
  • “People tell me so many secrets because they’re like, ‘She’s not gonna tell anyone.’” (40:29-40:41)
  • To communicate, Audrey uses a dry erase board at parties, which leads to a classic prank—her friends write “Just had vocal cord surgery, but I’ll still suck your sack” instead of her intended message! (41:14-41:36)
  • The physical comedy continues: during a college hookup, because Audrey can’t speak, a sexual position switch leads to the boy falling from a top bunk, and she can only respond by furiously writing on her dry erase board (42:05-43:04).
  • Upon regaining her voice, it sounds high and feminine—she celebrates regaining her signature raspy tone with “Pass me the tequila!... She’s back!” (43:26-43:38)

5. Listener Submission: Nair Disaster

• Jameela reads a listener story involving accidental genital Nair residue. The boyfriend, after intercourse, believes it’s an STI, but the culprit is hair-removal cream not fully washed off.
  • “But also now we know he didn’t go down on her first.” — Jameela Jamil (45:05)
  • Laura and Audrey: “Selfish lover!” (45:14-45:15)
  • The trio riff on other bodily mishaps—jalapeño hands, spray tan mishaps, and more.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On ADHD:
  • Jameela: “Do disaster and you just, like, flirt?” (05:20)
  • Laura: “I never know. You wait for the gun to your head.” (06:17)
• On Bad Hookups:
  • Laura: “I punched him in the dick and then it was disappointing.” (09:11)
  • Jameela: “There’s no way I’m taking it to the dick if the kiss is bad.” (09:32)
• On Childhood Crushes:
  • Jameela: “I’m a beardophile. You know what I mean? Like on a man or a woman.” (21:55)
• On Pool Incidents:
  • Audrey: “You know what I mean, who’s doing construction here?” (14:58)
• On the Second Grade Incident:
  • Laura: “It looked like a Twix.” (30:37)
  • Jameela: “You just ruined my favorite chocolate bar.” (30:42)
  • Jameela: “Literal gaslighting. I’ve referred to it before as ass-lighting.” (34:22)
• On Recovery After Vocal Surgery:
  • Audrey: “When I finally could get my voice back, it didn’t sound like me… and they’re like, ‘She’s back!’” (43:26-43:38)
• On Accidental Nair Transfer:
  • Jameela: “Now we know he didn’t go down on her first.” (45:05)
  • Laura and Audrey: “Selfish lover.” (45:14)
  • Laura: “Who’s this guy? This ungenerous and suspicious man.” (45:44)

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Key Timestamps

• ADHD admissions & chaos: 05:20 - 07:14
• Micro humiliations (bad sex & pool period): 07:43 - 14:17
• Deep dive: Laura’s second grade poop story: 19:27 - 34:45
• Deep dive: Audrey’s vocal cord surgery/college chaos: 37:06 - 43:38
• Listener misery (Nair incident): 43:53 - 46:37

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Episode Tone & Takeaway

The tone is raw, irreverent, and gleefully shameless—nobody is holding back, and every disaster is ammunition for more laughs rather than pity or self-improvement. If you crave honest, belly-laugh-inducing talk about the ridiculous ways humans are mortified by their bodies, social blunders, or just bad luck—this episode delivers. Every story is a reminder: you are definitely not alone in your shame.

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Find the Guests:

• Laura Peek: @LaraPeekLive on Instagram—doing stand-up nationwide
• Audrey Stewart: @audreystuisart on Instagram—touring comic, not Italian, despite the name

Final words:
Jameela: “I never want this episode to end, but it has to.” (46:37)

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Perfect for anyone needing a reminder that laughing at your own disasters is the best possible therapy.

Transcript

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[Laura P.]

During Christmas time, we were watching TV and he goes, who the is Felix Navy Dad.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Laura P.]

And we say it every year.

[Audrey Stewart]

Wait, that's so good. You gotta put that in with your.

[Laura P.]

I know. I mean, my dad Chunk.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, your dad Chunk.

[Laura P.]

I love your dad Chunk.

[Jameela Jamil]

Felix Navidad. I. When I first saw the word Oaxaca, I didn't know that that's how that would be pronounced. Of course not, because it doesn't look that way. And I tried to be, like, a little bit cultural, and I was like, oh, yeah, are we going to Waxico?

[Laura P.]

Which is also a sick name.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, actually sounds cooler.

[Jameela Jamil]

Honestly, so embarrassing. Anyway, hello, everyone, and welcome to Wrong Turn with Jameela Jamil, a show where dignity goes to die, as I have just demonstrated when I was casually chatting, not realizing we were recording. But fuck it, that is the nature of this show. I love to bring on my favorite funny people so that they can tell me tales of woe, so that I feel less alone in my misery and mortification. And joining me today, I have a comedian who has appeared on Comedy Central, the Tonight show, and After Midnight, and is currently on tour around the country. Like Laura P. Hello, yes.

[Audrey Stewart]

Laura, so happy to be here.

[Laura P.]

Thank you for having me.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thanks for coming and joining me today. We also welcome a comedian who is a recent new face of comedy at the Just for Laughs festival in Montreal. Congratulations. That's really difficult to get into. She performed on the Netflix as a joke festival and you can watch her new set on Don't Tell Comedy. It's Audrey Stewart.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yay. 2023 new face.

[Jameela Jamil]

How you doing? You seem like you are just. You have pep in your fucking step. What is this? Is this coke?

[Audrey Stewart]

This is my third Diet Coke of the day. So you can see that kind of coke.

[Laura P.]

It's literally coke. Ye.

[Audrey Stewart]

You could say it didn't take the ADHD meds today.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wait, is getting just not really touchy.

[Audrey Stewart]

No, it actually doesn't. Like I can have so much.

[Jameela Jamil]

It can mellow you out.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wow.

[Audrey Stewart]

A little bit. Like, I don't do. I don't do drugs. But if I did do whatever, it would make me probably really mellow too.

[Laura P.]

I just got diagnosed with adhd and the question that my therapist asked me, I dabble in a little bit of drugs. Sorry, should not be saying this on a podcast.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think it's fine.

[Audrey Stewart]

Say whatever you want.

[Laura P.]

But she was like, when you've done cocaine, does it make you feel normal? And I go, I get so regular. I just have like a nice time.

[Audrey Stewart]

You just. You just pitch movie ideas.

[Laura P.]

Yeah, I get. I get some stuff done. I have nice conversations with my friends. I'm not.

[Jameela Jamil]

Whereas I have to, with a straight face, go to coffee shops and ask a barista at like a Third Wave coffee shop could I have a quarter calf? And they have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. That's one and three quarters decaf with just a quarter of espresso. If they should all be pissing and shitting in my coffee and I forgive them.

[Laura P.]

I didn't know that I could do that.

[Jameela Jamil]

I didn't think they said they do, but they can't. I'm sure they aren't because I haven't slept in years.

[Laura P.]

They're giving you.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm sure they're giving me like a La Colombe double, which is like 19 shots. Oh my God, it's so ridiculous.

[Audrey Stewart]

Are you on anything right now? Coffee? No, he's chilling.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is me. This is how animated I am. If I'm on coffee, I'm awake for like, I don't know, months. Several years.

[Laura P.]

God bless.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, Several years. Yeah.

[Laura P.]

That's good though, cuz you're Getting your money's worth, you know, you're like, well, if I'm going to be a coffee drinker, I might as well be yed. I don't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

Unbelievably, I'm raw dogging jet lag from England right now.

[Laura P.]

You're doing great.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Audrey Stewart]

We can't even tell.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I start the morning with chocolate muffins. That's the only way I'm getting up every day. So good every day.

[Laura P.]

I would love that for you. What's your brand? Are you making them?

[Jameela Jamil]

No. No.

[Audrey Stewart]

Wait, where do you get them?

[Jameela Jamil]

I get them from Alfred's coffee.

[Laura P.]

What the hell?

[Jameela Jamil]

The chocolate raspberry muffins, but we're not going to advertise them, so I'm not saying anyway.

[Audrey Stewart]

Unless they want to give me free muffins.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, exactly.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

So given how cheery you both are and how. And how well balanced you both are in spite of being afflicted with adhd, does disaster follow you around?

[Audrey Stewart]

I mean, trying to get here?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Laura P.]

Oh, that's true.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was so late.

[Audrey Stewart]

I called you the long time I'm calling. I go, I didn't know about the location changed. And I checked my email. I go, okay, he said the location changed. And then I'm like, here, But I'm not here. I'm behind the building.

[Laura P.]

I had Audrey drop me a pen from about 45ft away from here.

[Jameela Jamil]

Are you both classic ADHD in which you spend kind of like hours faffing around doing bullshit?

[Audrey Stewart]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Just on time to be completely late for the function. So you don't start getting ready until like 20 minutes after you were supposed to be there.

[Laura P.]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

That kind of adhd.

[Laura P.]

Pretty classic. And then also, like to do list is just. I think about it every moment of every day. I add to it constantly. I never know.

[Jameela Jamil]

You wait for the gun to your head.

[Laura P.]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right, right, right. And you only just got diagnosed recently.

[Laura P.]

It was like. It was like three weeks ago.

[Audrey Stewart]

Did you do like a. What is it?

[Laura P.]

I did a bunch of tests and it was the one I laughed out out loud is. He goes, do you finish other people's sentences? I go, yeah, did you finish the sentence?

[Audrey Stewart]

Wait, what is this? A best friend test?

[Jameela Jamil]

What do you mean? You finish each other's sentence?

[Laura P.]

Yeah, I know my friends and I want to show them that they're supported as they're speaking to me. He's like, no, that's fucking rude and it bothers people. Okay.

[Audrey Stewart]

Tell this guy that he has no

[Jameela Jamil]

fun bone in his body and no friends with ADHD. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Laura P.]

Dr. Yang rules. We love him. He gave me some pills, but yeah, it's been like. It's been like three weeks. And I'm kind of getting medication. Right, You've probably been medicated for it,

[Jameela Jamil]

but did you have a feeling you had this, or were you just raw dogging life?

[Laura P.]

No, I'm very. I'm extremely anxious and I'm also very depressive. And so it was never like the headline.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right, right, right.

[Laura P.]

Never. Like, it was always like, hey, I might kill myself. It was never like, oh, I can't get my life in order. And I wasn't thinking about the reason for that.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like, also, we only started studying women's science, I think on Thursday.

[Laura P.]

I think it was this past.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think it was Thursday. Yeah, just the.

[Laura P.]

Thursday just gone for the Netflix.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, Thursday just gone. We discovered that women and like. So it's been a crazy weekend.

[Laura P.]

Best weekend of my life.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, in that case, I can't wait to hear these fucking stories. Let's start with a micro humiliation for the group so that, you know, kind of just so we get a sense of exactly how scary these vibes are. Laura, why don't we start with you?

[Laura P.]

My micro one is so jolly, but when I was in college, it just makes me giggle. It's very like, inoffensive and silly in a way that makes me laugh so hard. There was this guy in college that I was like, obsessed with. He was beautiful. His name was redacted and he was so pretty. And he.

[Jameela Jamil]

Is he Spanish?

[Laura P.]

Yeah.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, sounds hot. Mario.

[Laura P.]

Redact,

[Jameela Jamil]

I say in an Italian accent. Yeah, perfect.

[Laura P.]

He was so pretty. I do not like blonde men. He was. But he was like a very good looking.

[Audrey Stewart]

I don't go for trouble.

[Laura P.]

You're supposed to be a child, right? Adults are not blonde.

[Audrey Stewart]

Oh, I see.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, that's interesting.

[Laura P.]

Yeah. But he was so beautiful and I loved his manner and I think I liked him because he was so different than me. He was like very neurotypical, very, like, chill guy. Was kind of like studious. And I think he wasn't hitting on me. And that made me want to him more. Classics.

[Jameela Jamil]

Rejection sensitivity.

[Laura P.]

Yes. And we would get. We were always like partying together. This was at the University of Tennessee. We were getting very drunk all the time and finally I was like, I'm gonna. What are we doing? You're like tall and beautiful and let's. You always talk to me. Let's have sex. I think I kind of went for it. I might have been a Little bit aggressive in. In my.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, love that.

[Laura P.]

Now married, happily, still doing it. No, I'm kidding. But he. So we have terrible sex. I mean, this ex was like really, really dog awful. Both kind of drunk and it was just like very apparent that this was not a thing. And I wake up in the morning, it's 7am I disappointing.

[Jameela Jamil]

I knew it was so hot and you liked him for so long.

[Laura P.]

The build up. The build up.

[Jameela Jamil]

What made it bad sex?

[Laura P.]

Probably me.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like I punched him in the dick and then it was disappointing.

[Laura P.]

That's not what you're supposed to do when you ate the ball.

[Audrey Stewart]

It's so funn.

[Laura P.]

No, but he. It was just bad. It was just like fumbly and like there was no. There's no real chemistry. Yeah, the kissing was bad. Everything was bad. And I woke up.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't pursue beyond a kiss. If a kiss is bad.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

There's no way I'm taking it to the dick.

[Laura P.]

That is no way. And when it's good, you say, let's take this.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, hurry it down to the dick. But I ref. It's. Yeah, but that's what you learn with age.

[Laura P.]

Exactly. I think that was. It was something I learned in my later years out of college. But at the time I was just like, no, he's still beautiful. And I've wanted this for so long.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah.

[Laura P.]

And so we.

[Audrey Stewart]

It.

[Laura P.]

We have terrible sex.

[Jameela Jamil]

And by the way, sorry, it's the New Year's Eve sex. Do you know what I mean? As in you've been planning it. It's expected to be such a great, amazing time. You've thought about it so many times, so New Year. So you've been rehearsing it in your brain for so long. So it's impossible for it not to be a bit of a disappointment. Yeah, exactly.

[Laura P.]

Gonna drop tonight.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're both gonna come at the same time.

[Laura P.]

Being 20 years old. Yeah, Coming at the same time.

[Audrey Stewart]

Which I don't even. I've never even.

[Jameela Jamil]

Never even come.

[Laura P.]

It's.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Audrey Stewart]

I don't know what that's like.

[Laura P.]

Really bad adhd. All these girls that are able to. Okay. But anyway, so we have this terrible sex and then the next morning I wake up at 7am on a Saturday. So like we have been drinking the whole night. I'm like, this guy's up, he's at his desk studying in the morning. And I just look over at him. I go, this was doomed from the beginning. This was such a bad idea. He's so different from me. Like, what was I thinking. And he doesn't know I'm awake yet. And he drops a pencil on the ground and he just goes, oh, my gosh. I was like. Any man that has ever said, oh, my gosh. Any man over the age of 10 who says, oh, my gosh, it's American whoopsie days. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Audrey Stewart]

Oh, golly.

[Jameela Jamil]

Golly.

[Laura P.]

I was like, this was never meant to happen. I hate you. I'm getting out. I literally put my clothes on and I was like, I really don't think this ever needs to happen.

[Audrey Stewart]

And then you were like, I'm gonna date women.

[Jameela Jamil]

I love that. Sorry, but I love that. Like, shockingly bad sex with no chemistry. She's like, oh, maybe. And then he goes, oh, my gosh. And she's like, absolutely not. I'm.

[Audrey Stewart]

She goes, that's it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Out of here.

[Laura P.]

That's such an insight into my personality that I've never thought about before. I'd probably be willing to.

[Jameela Jamil]

Weird boundaries.

[Laura P.]

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. You could be anything but lamer.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Audrey Stewart]

You go, I don't know what this was.

[Laura P.]

Sex. I'll give it a five and a half. Oh, my gosh. You're. You're done.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Get out of it. It's fucking hilarious. Audrey, what's your micro humiliation?

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, that one was. Yeah, you're right. A little jolly. Mine's dark. I grew up in Indiana, and I know, I know already. Dark. As dark as it gets.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wrong turn done. Goodbye, everyone.

[Audrey Stewart]

That's all we needed. And I didn't belong to this country club, but a lot of people in my class did. I went to Catholic school, but because my grandma wanted me to, not my parents. So, like, my parents were, like, the only divorced parents there or whatever. But we didn't belong at the country club, but the other kids did. And it was like a big deal when I would get invited. So we were like, eighth grade, and everyone's like, come to the country club. And I'm like, yeah. And I go, it's like a co ed day. There's like, all the boys and the girls are going. And I was on my period. And I don't know why I said it like that.

[Jameela Jamil]

And it's so funny that we're still doing it online, period. Yeah, it's gonna be like 20, 26, 34 years old. Aunt Flo is visiting, like, Tom.

[Audrey Stewart]

And I'm not talking Tom the person. And everyone's like, huh.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay. He does say it normally.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah. Yeah, I was on my period.

[Laura P.]

Yes.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah. Period. I was menstruating. Heavily.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Laura P.]

And.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, keep going. And I had stuffed. I didn't have tampon with me or anything, so I had stuffed, like, toilet paper in my bathing suit that I was wearing.

[Jameela Jamil]

I did it last week.

[Laura P.]

Yes. Not a bathing suit, though. I do it with my pants all the time. If you're wet, that's gonna go differently.

[Audrey Stewart]

Wearing a one piece, stuffing it in, got the little shorts, kind of a bowl cut, kind of going. Even in 8th grade.

[Jameela Jamil]

Cause let's fucking go.

[Audrey Stewart]

You gotta do it to them.

[Laura P.]

I'm in.

[Audrey Stewart]

And then everybody's, like doing tricks off the high dive. And my intention was to take the toilet paper out and get a pad or something. Forgot. Adhd, Forgot. It's my turn to get up there and do a little twisty twirl or whatever, make a big splash. I jump off. Everybody's looking, and the toilet paper comes up and it is bloody. Just bloody toilet paper. And then I'm like, what? Don't jump. Don't jump in, you guys. There's a bunch of toilet paper in

[Laura P.]

here for some freaking reason.

[Audrey Stewart]

For so freaking Reese. God, I don't know. What, did somebody have a shark bite or something? This is weird.

[Laura P.]

You start blaming the pool. You're like, what kind of pool is this?

[Audrey Stewart]

Is this not a country club? You guys are getting ripped off. You tell your parents they're getting ripped?

[Jameela Jamil]

Did anyone buy it?

[Audrey Stewart]

No, it was humiliated. Everyone was like, oh, yeah, ew.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, that's so nice.

[Audrey Stewart]

And I. Catholic school's tough too. Like, some of the girls be clicky and like, they're all great now. But at the time I just remember, like, if you did something weird, they'd be like, oh, what's that?

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, because it's a social contagion, isn't it? They're just like. Well, I don't want people to think I'm weird because, you know, a friend actually said that to me at school. She was like, we can only be friends on the weekend.

[Audrey Stewart]

Are you kidding? Where is she now? Where is that friend now?

[Laura P.]

Don't give a.

[Audrey Stewart]

Don't give a. That's the only answer.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Laura P.]

Dead by bir.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm obsessed with you gaslighting the pool.

[Laura P.]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're like the people who trip over the. In the street and rather than laugh it off, stop, turn around and look angrily at the road.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah. You know what I mean? Who's doing construction here?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, exactly.

[Audrey Stewart]

There's no permits.

[Jameela Jamil]

You become an activist.

[Laura P.]

Yeah, you do.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah.

[Laura P.]

You start getting really political.

[Audrey Stewart]

There's baby deer that Live near here.

[Laura P.]

The rats. You pretend your parents are members. My parents pay 500amonth.

[Audrey Stewart]

What am I paying?

[Laura P.]

And there's. There's blood and a little bit of poop in here.

[Audrey Stewart]

My memories, you just say, is this where my taxes are going to everything? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Jameela Jamil]

When is this? 2010s?

[Audrey Stewart]

Yes. When I was in 8th grade, 2008.

[Jameela Jamil]

Was this when they were still doing, like, the purple ring around anyone who excretes anything in the pool?

[Laura P.]

That was still going on. You remember that? The rumor?

[Jameela Jamil]

They stopped doing that because I think the dye turned out to be, like, slightly cultural.

[Laura P.]

That was ever real. I thought it was always just a myth.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, it was real.

[Audrey Stewart]

I thought it was from the Grown Ups movie and that's where.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, there was signs. No, we had signs. Like, I mean, unless it was the most amazing, I never saw it happen. So maybe it was an amazing fear tactic. But I. Okay, so that didn't happen.

[Laura P.]

No. I don't know. I always thought that it was when I was younger. I believed it.

[Jameela Jamil]

I can't believe I've never looked into this ever. I've just been like, well, you got

[Audrey Stewart]

a purple ring and I could have a.

[Laura P.]

Because if that was ever real, I mean, I was terrified of that.

[Jameela Jamil]

Me too.

[Laura P.]

And then you pee in the pool one time and you go.

[Audrey Stewart]

And then you look around.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, I'm fine.

[Laura P.]

All clear.

[Jameela Jamil]

By the way, the fact that you would risk it for a chocolate biscuit is crazy.

[Laura P.]

I love to be in the water. I love Capri sun and being in the water.

[Audrey Stewart]

But people pee and poo.

[Laura P.]

Pee, pool, pee and poop.

[Audrey Stewart]

Good God.

[Jameela Jamil]

Pee and poo in people's pools.

[Audrey Stewart]

No, no, no. Pee in people's pools. Why was that so hard to say? Do people. You guys all pee in pools, right? I mean, not anymore. We're adults.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't. I don't pee in pools, but I think that's because I have purple ring trauma.

[Laura P.]

100%.

[Audrey Stewart]

100%.

[Laura P.]

Even if it was just a fear

[Jameela Jamil]

tactic, I don't think it's actually safe for me to find out that that's not true, because God knows what I'll start doing.

[Laura P.]

It' it was gonna go wild in the pools.

[Jameela Jamil]

Be like, why is she chugging so much? Leukosa.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, why is she at the YMCA just pissing all of us.

[Laura P.]

I have 25 years worth of Elden

[Jameela Jamil]

pissing just as, like, you know, the water level just, like, rising over the max. We'll be right back after the break.

[Aramco Announcer]

Seeking, pushing, optimizing. Creating, Learning, Discovering. At Aramco, we believe in harnessing the power of data to push the limits of what's possible. That's how we deliver reliable energy to millions across the world. Aramco, an integrated energy and chemicals company. Learn more about [e-mail]

[Grow Therapy Announcer]

the to do list doesn't stop, and neither does the pressure to keep up with it if you've been running on fumes. Growtherapy makes it easier to find care that's covered by insurance and actually built around you, whether it's your first time in therapy or your 50th. Grow makes it easier to find a therapist who fits you, not the other way around. You can search by what matters like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability and get started in as little as two days. And if something comes up, you can Cancel up to 24 hours in advance at no cost. Grow helps you find therapy on your time. Whatever challenges you're facing, Grow Therapy is here to help. Grow accepts over 100 insurance plans. Sessions average about $21 with insurance, and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. Visit growththerapy.com acast today to get started. That's growththerapy.com acast growththerapy.com acast availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Audrey Stewart]

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Anyways, get a'@libertymutual.com or with your local agent.

[Jameela Jamil]

Liberty, Liberty. Liberty.

[Audrey Stewart]

Liberty.

[Jameela Jamil]

And we're back. Okay, well, now it's time for the real wrong tone. This has been a hoot so far. Laura, we're starting with you.

[Laura P.]

Okay. I think this was the second grade. I was trying to remember. I asked my mother about it when I was researching this topic. I think it was probably the second grade, first or second grade. And I was a little loser. Yeah, right. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

If you're in comedy. Like, no one was. Like, I was extremely cool and popular at school.

[Laura P.]

Yes, 100%. I still had the, like, chunkiness in my wrists where it was, like, really dimple. You know what I mean? When you see a baby and it, like, folds in on itself. I was still really, like, chubbed up like that.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, I Still had the rings after my elbows.

[Laura P.]

Yes, exactly.

[Jameela Jamil]

I still got actually the dents now still from it.

[Laura P.]

Well, it's like, it's like getting a wrinkle. It's a, it's a wrinkle from your child. Yeah, it's a wrinkle in time.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a donut wrinkle. Yeah, exactly.

[Laura P.]

And I was in the second grade and I came into class one day and I was. They put me next to Richard who was like the cool at like the hot guy. He was like really good at sports. He was great at dodgeball. He like thinking about what you thought was hot as a second grader, I'm like, I guess he had like a buzz cut. You know what I mean?

[Audrey Stewart]

More eyeliner.

[Laura P.]

He looked like Benny the Jet Rodriguez. Do you ever rewatch the sandlot? And you're like, I would still have 100. But he was right. Because I remember being a kid being like, that's the hottest guy I've ever seen.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Audrey Stewart]

When I was a kid that was like, like those boys were so, you

[Jameela Jamil]

know, I never ever fancied boys or girls. It was always, always women and men. It was never children. So I was like. Had to stay away from like a. I'm a pedophile nightmare or dream. So I just had to, I had to just keep myself to myself until I was old enough to have sex with anyone because I didn't really think anyone was hot.

[Laura P.]

Any kids.

[Jameela Jamil]

I still to this day I'm just like disgusted by. Someone was arguing me on TikTok the other day because I saw Freddie Prinze Jr. Recently, like in his like 50s, going like deep into his Star wars like knowledge. Did you see that video? It went really viral. And I was like, I think I just understood the whole Freddie Prince Jr. Thing. And they were like, clearly you're not a 90s kid because you didn't fancy him. And I, and I wrote, I was like, no, I just was never really attracted to boy, like to young people, even when I was young. And I was like, I regret this comment now. Cause it's gonna, it's going to create weird thoughts for people.

[Laura P.]

But it's objectively the correct thing to say.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like, I agree.

[Audrey Stewart]

I'd way rather be this better than the other way.

[Laura P.]

The world is full of pedophiles.

[Audrey Stewart]

I'm glad you're, you're far from them.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah. I'm a beardophile. You know what I mean? Like on a man or a woman. Yeah, yeah.

[Audrey Stewart]

A grampophile.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Laura P.]

100% a huge adultopile.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah.

[Laura P.]

You saying on a like I guess I was a pedophile's dreams. I'm only attracted to you. It's so funny. I, I, because I'm trying to remember. I think like when I was a child and especially in school, like what you thought was attractive, especially girls to boys.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Laura P.]

Was they were just like mean. It was always just like a mean guy. Yeah. They were like, they were like cruel to you. They like bullied you. It was never like, oh, he's so like attract. You know what I mean? I can't conceive now, but it was like, oh, I like being treated like shit, I guess.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well that is not your fault because we're told if he pulled your pigtails like he loves you.

[Laura P.]

Yes, that's true.

[Audrey Stewart]

They did tell us that at a young age.

[Laura P.]

I know it's grooming and it takes forever. I've dated so many men who I'm like, not only is this not a good relationship, you don't like me as a person. By the way.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know, I've never had it though. I've never ever, ever caught onto the idea. Even as a child. I've always just had this very strong feeling and this is so obscene and how dare I. And I was a particularly odd looking and odd behaving young woman and child. Like school shooter vibes, like really like crazy. But I've always felt like if someone isn't willing to die by sword, and there are no swords anywhere. But if someone's not willing to die by sword for me, I'm not going to kiss them. My scale has always been sword or nothing.

[Laura P.]

Yeah.

[Audrey Stewart]

That's so healthy.

[Laura P.]

Love me or not.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's how I encourage my friends to be love. It's like if they're not going to pull out a sword for you. Male or fema.

[Audrey Stewart]

Because I just wrestled a lot of men.

[Laura P.]

Yeah.

[Audrey Stewart]

And eighth grade you were like wrestling.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Laura P.]

And then I dated a lot of women.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah. And I was like, I guess it's good when we.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sorry. Okay. So you were saying that Richard.

[Laura P.]

Richard. Yes. We went deep into pedophiles dream.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah. We went to.

[Laura P.]

Richard was the cool kid. He had this little buzzed cut and he was sitting next to me. It was, and it was like a new thing. They had like, they had like shifted the, somehow they had shifted the setup of the class.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Laura P.]

And so I was seated next to him and he was treating me really nicely. He was like, we were kind of vibing. Like he was like, like laughing at I said. He was like. He was like, kind of thinking I was funny. And I was like, yeah,

[Audrey Stewart]

exactly. That.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're like, am I glasses and ponytail girl? And then he's going to pull off my ponytail, and I'm going to look like Brooke Shields.

[Laura P.]

Beautiful.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Laura P.]

Eight years old and whatever. We were kind of riffing. I was like. I was like, oh, my God. I'm, like, accepted by him. He's kind of bringing me into the conversation. Other people, it was. It was life shattering. And then at one point, he, like, sniffs the air and he goes, smells like in here.

[Audrey Stewart]

Stop.

[Laura P.]

No, I was like. I was like, totally

[Audrey Stewart]

you. Right?

[Laura P.]

100. Richard, you're so cool. I was like, it does smell like. And I say stuff like that all the time. I say and fart and all that cool stuff.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Laura P.]

Trying to fit in. Trying to match his vibe. And he. The. And we're. We're chilling the whole day we go through. This is like, over the course of a school day. What are we, seven, eight hours? We're having so much fun. Other people are starting to remark on it. They're like, it smells like fart in here. I'm like, somebody's farting so much. I'm like. I'm like, somebody farting so much.

[Audrey Stewart]

I don't know who's.

[Laura P.]

I don't know who in here is hopping off, shitting, farting, but me and Richard are noticing.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay, whoever it is, it's the same person who threw that bloody rag into your pool. Yeah.

[Laura P.]

So the whole day, I'm like, seriously, like, what's going on? I'm, like, really amping it up to,

[Jameela Jamil]

like, actually becoming an activist.

[Laura P.]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Again. Yes.

[Laura P.]

Yes. It made me 100%. I was. I was about to write this.

[Jameela Jamil]

We need to get to the bottom of this.

[Laura P.]

This has been on the docket for the top of the. I have a family, So I remember very distinctly. I think one of the most important parts of that day that I remember is that we went to gym. And are we all of the era where you had the little square things with four wheels on them that you would just sit your little asses down on and just roll around on the floor in gym?

[Audrey Stewart]

Oh, my God. I forgot about that, Laura. Yes.

[Laura P.]

It was these little carts, and they were just flat, and you would sit on them and. I mean, I don't even know what the object of any of these games were. I don't know what the point was.

[Audrey Stewart]

Low budget in school.

[Laura P.]

100. Low budget. The gym teachers, like, smoking cigarettes in the Corner. Y' all have fun. This is in Tennessee. Everybody was breaking their fingers all the time. You remember this? You would just roll over your own hands. I mean, we were getting hurt so badly. So we roll around. I'm a little butt rolling around. Richard and I still absolutely hitting it off. Real will they, won't they situation going on with me and Richard. He's kind of kicking at me. I'm like, the best day of my life.

[Audrey Stewart]

You come, Richard, you wheel so far and you go like

[Laura P.]

the first time and not the last. I reached orgasm on the little scooty thing. So we go, we're scooting around, we go. Everybody's all sweaty, you know. And this was. I remember very famously in my elementary school and high school, we would do gym activities and not shower. Not even remotely. Clean ourselves up afterwards. No. Just like wet dog. I can't imagine how pissed those teachers were. We were coming back into school just soaked with sweat. Disgusting. So we sit back down, we're coloring. Richard and I are coloring on the same paper. I remember parallel play.

[Jameela Jamil]

What's happening with the smell.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah.

[Laura P.]

He finally. He, like throws his yellow crayon down. I remember very specific. He was doing sun. He was doing sun in corner with a face raised. Coming down. Farmhouse in the eighth grade.

[Jameela Jamil]

Not to judge.

[Laura P.]

No, no, no. Second. This is the second grade. Sorry. Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's great. I'm so glad you said that. So much has been going on in my. I understand how that happened.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah. Because I'm like, is this guy a serial killer?

[Jameela Jamil]

You said second grade.

[Audrey Stewart]

And I was like, okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

Around eight years old. And then in my brain, it became the eighth grade and I was like, I know the American education system is different to England, but I was like, if they're drawing suns in the corner.

[Audrey Stewart]

No, still like that.

[Laura P.]

Looking at the producer being like, like, hey, is she like, okay, though? Like, who you invite on? She's not all there. Sorry, sorry.

[Jameela Jamil]

I. I beg your pardon. I got eight and eighth grade confused. I apologize.

[Laura P.]

We had gotten to the very end of the story with you still believing that I was an 11 year old girl. We were learning our ABCs.

[Audrey Stewart]

You know, the little scooter things.

[Laura P.]

I was in the corner. I was eating paste. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've been very confused for several minutes now. That's.

[Laura P.]

So the fact that you have reserved judgment to this degree and that you're still looking at me like I'm a normal human being.

[Jameela Jamil]

The yellow.

[Audrey Stewart]

What happened with the smell is still

[Laura P.]

going on, but the yellow crayon, like,

[Jameela Jamil]

tipped Me over the edge.

[Laura P.]

I just was like, I have to say something. Sun in the corner, farmhouse. Laura, you were getting your undergraduate. That was med school. You were in psych. You were pre med. You were pre med. And then there's poop. Okay, sorry. So fucking that's the best case scenario for this story. I can't tell you how much funnier you just made this. My face hurts. My friends tell me a lot, that when I laugh really hard, I look like I'm crying.

[Jameela Jamil]

You do.

[Audrey Stewart]

You do look like you're crying. She's crying.

[Laura P.]

It makes the muscles that go down. Okay, sorry.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm locked in.

[Laura P.]

I'm locked in. I'm locked in. Okay, so crayon. Second grade.

[Audrey Stewart]

Second grade.

[Laura P.]

He's sitting next to me and he like throws his crayon down and he goes, it smells like shit in here. He was like, he was furious. He was like, I've had enough. It was like your dad being like, stop farting. Like, it was like that kind of thing. And I was like, totally. Again, just trying to fit in. I was wearing these really big billowy. We had a choice between a skort and with uniforms and these like, big billowy shorts. And, you know, I was a big billowy Shorts nowadays would have been very fashionable. It's what all the Gen Z girls are wearing, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

They learned nothing from us.

[Laura P.]

I know. It looks like sisters.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm so angry.

[Laura P.]

I know, I know. I'm really displeased. I'm like, I finally found some jeans. Whatever.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah.

[Laura P.]

So I at his, like, big, raucous, like, I've had enough of this. I go. And I snake my little second grade finger.

[Audrey Stewart]

No, no.

[Laura P.]

The side of my big shorts.

[Audrey Stewart]

No.

[Jameela Jamil]

Go, baby, go.

[Laura P.]

In my little panties. And I pulled it out. It looked like a Twix.

[Audrey Stewart]

No, not the visual.

[Laura P.]

Get out.

[Audrey Stewart]

Not the visual. She said, that's enough of this podcast.

[Jameela Jamil]

You just ruined my favorite chocolate bar.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, that's. Oh, you remember

[Laura P.]

I got Camila to call me a cunt. That's the best.

[Audrey Stewart]

That's why we came on.

[Laura P.]

That's the best. And mind you remember, I'm 17 years old. No, I'm kidding.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah,

[Audrey Stewart]

remember? That's so good.

[Laura P.]

Look. Oh, my God. And it is covered in poop.

[Audrey Stewart]

Oh, God, this is a nightmare.

[Laura P.]

Just like so much poop. No, there was like so much poop yourself doing it. Didn't feel myself do it. This is so. He has been telling me since nigh on seven in the morning, like since the beginning of the day. He's like, it smells like shit in for. And I'm going, for sure. I'm bonding with him. Yeah. I go to the bathroom. I am not kidding. I'm sure it gets grosser than this on this pod, but I'm so sorry if this is gross, but it was like a bolus. It was like, it was like a. It was such a fat.

[Jameela Jamil]

You'd laid an egg.

[Laura P.]

Like, it was crazy.

[Audrey Stewart]

It was like a baby.

[Laura P.]

Like I was like sitting a couple inches higher.

[Audrey Stewart]

No, not on a poop throne.

[Laura P.]

Not my girl sitting on her poop.

[Audrey Stewart]

Not my queen sitting on her throne. Good Lord.

[Laura P.]

I go to the teacher, I go, something's happened. And she goes, for sure. And she was so cool.

[Audrey Stewart]

And she, she goes, for sure.

[Jameela Jamil]

You showed her your finger and you were like, something's happened.

[Laura P.]

Yeah, take a whip of this.

[Jameela Jamil]

She says, this is in fact. Hey, miss, smell my finger.

[Audrey Stewart]

She said, you want a Twix bar? Yeah.

[Laura P.]

And she goes, oh, my God. I remember that she laughed, which made me feel really bad. But then she was like, but she goes, oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

But did he see this? Did other kids see this?

[Laura P.]

So I pull her outside because I've gone to the bathroom and seen what's happened. I leave the shit in my pants. I go back to her and I go, what do I do? And she wraps up my little 17 year old panties, my little girl panties. She throws them. She goes and gets me a fresh pair of clothes. And she goes, she goes, never gonna talk about any of this. She goes, I know you're really embarrassed. And I remember at the time being like I sat on the little thing, I was rolling around.

[Audrey Stewart]

Oh my God.

[Laura P.]

The whole day.

[Audrey Stewart]

Oh, my God.

[Laura P.]

Literally smearing it. Just. Just. Yeah, it's a miracle it wasn't everywhere.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Audrey Stewart]

I. Oh my God.

[Laura P.]

And I go back and I sit next to Richard and I go, it's crazy. Whoever like in here, in a completely new outfit.

[Audrey Stewart]

In a completely new outfit. It's so.

[Jameela Jamil]

In a completely new outfit. And the. And the smell of is completely gone. Be like, it's been such a weird day of.

[Laura P.]

I'm wearing like a sundress. I guess we'll never. I guess we'll never know the mystery of this shit.

[Audrey Stewart]

But I just love that your teacher's like, don't ever talk about this. And you literally go, whoever did that piece of shit.

[Laura P.]

Yeah, 100% well.

[Jameela Jamil]

And now did he clock your new outfit?

[Laura P.]

To my knowledge. Because, because if I'm. If I remember correctly, they gave me shorts that mimicked my Previous shirts.

[Jameela Jamil]

Amazing. She just not paid enough.

[Audrey Stewart]

No.

[Laura P.]

Oh, she was so sweet to me. She was so sweet.

[Audrey Stewart]

Shout out.

[Laura P.]

She goes, oh, I can't remember, actually.

[Jameela Jamil]

What a fucking dick.

[Laura P.]

I know. I'm such an asshole. But she goes, it was really funny because I came home and I told my mom this story and I go, and Ms. Woods said, this happens all the time. And she goes, I don't know that this happens.

[Audrey Stewart]

Your mom is making. No, honey, I've never seen this happen.

[Jameela Jamil]

Something like that.

[Laura P.]

Something's up. Something's up with your butt, honey.

[Jameela Jamil]

It is crazy.

[Audrey Stewart]

You didn't feel it.

[Laura P.]

I didn't feel it all day. And I sat back down and. Listen, I get. You know, I hate to paint a pretty picture at the end because I know this is supposed to be about deep, dark, you know, things, but. But that teacher really saved my life. And Richard and I were friends. We're still friends. He works in Hermitage, Tennessee. What's up, Richard? How do you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Does he know that that's what happened or is he finding out right now?

[Laura P.]

I think he might be finding out right now.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, that is iconic.

[Audrey Stewart]

That's great. Yeah, we gotta tag him. Tag him in the vid. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Literal gaslighting. I've referred to it before as ass lighting.

[Laura P.]

Ass lighting is correct. Oh, man.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you for that story. Absolutely exceptional. I rarely enjoy a shit story and that was really, absolutely worth it. Yeah. Thank you so. Oh, my God. And also shit throne has ruined my life.

[Laura P.]

My little second grade queen ownership.

[Audrey Stewart]

My little queen ownership.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'll be right back after the fucking break.

[Audrey Stewart]

It's a Twixet.

[Laura P.]

Yeah.

[Aramco Announcer]

What if a marginal gain unlocked greater performance? What if an insight in data could change everything at around? Our focus on detail helps us deliver reliable energy to millions across the world. Because margins aren't marginal. They're where we can truly push the limits of what's possible. Aramco, an integrated energy and chemicals company. Learn [e-mail] the to do list doesn't

[Grow Therapy Announcer]

stop and neither does the pressure to keep up with it. If you've been running on fumes, Growtherapy makes it easier to find care that's covered by insurance and actually built around you. Whether it's your first time in therapy or your 50th. Grow makes it easier to find a therapist who fits you, not the other way around. You can search by what matters like insurance, specialty, identity or availability and get started in as little as two days. And if something comes up, you can Cancel up to 24 hours in advance. At no cost. Grow helps you find therapy on your time. Whatever challenges you're facing, Grow Therapy is here to help. Grow accepts over 100 insurance plans. Sessions average about $21 with insurance, and some pay as little as $0, depending on their plan. Visit growththerapy.com acast today to get started. That's growththerapy.com acast growtherapy.com acast availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Audrey Stewart]

Hey, everyone, Check out this guy and his bird. What is this your first date?

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Anyways, get a'[e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Jameela Jamil]

Liberty, Liberty.

[Audrey Stewart]

Liberty, Liberty.

[Jameela Jamil]

And we're back. All right, Audrey, what is your big wrong turn in life?

[Audrey Stewart]

Okay. Yeah, I had a lot of embarrassing thing happen, but the worst one, I think this is just the one that's been etched in my mind the most. This is a wild one. I had vocal cord surgery when I was a sophomore in college. Cause I abused my voice a lot, shockingly. And I, like, in high school, played

[Jameela Jamil]

characters, but it's so fantastic.

[Laura P.]

It's a great voice.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's so worth it.

[Laura P.]

It's such a good comedy voice.

[Jameela Jamil]

I am so. Honestly, I wish I could, but also I'm like, does she sing? Yeah, there you go.

[Audrey Stewart]

Of course. You do the gospel choir.

[Laura P.]

Yeah.

[Audrey Stewart]

I won't pump it out. It'll be too much for you guys. But it. I. I like, it sounded worse than this. It was like, yes, yeah, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

A bit exorcist.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yes. Because. And that was the kind of characters I'd play in school, like Troll Boggle, Fart the Troll. It was a play written by my friend and made the. The main stage at my high school.

[Laura P.]

I love kids.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah. And it was crazy. But it had so much vocal cord damage. And thank God I had that damage because I went in and they were like, oh, you have vocal nod nodules. So we have to have surgery. And in the surgery and the same surgery as me. Adele, John Mayer, all know your stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And. And I get the surgery. And thank God I got it. There was a cyst also in my vocal cord crushing. And eventually I think they said it would, like, maybe paralyzed my vocal cords. So there Could. We don't know for sure, but like I think if we didn't remove the cyst and help do the nodule surgery, I think I could have been like, had been mute. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that crazy?

[Jameela Jamil]

Touch of the rfk.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, secretary.

[Laura P.]

I could be Harold secretary.

[Audrey Stewart]

I really would.

[Laura P.]

Yeah.

[Audrey Stewart]

I'd be like, I love it.

[Laura P.]

That's really good.

[Audrey Stewart]

Hey, that's my favorite impression of him.

[Laura P.]

A lot of people are doing it right now. That was really good.

[Audrey Stewart]

Every time somebody hacks up a long ago. Are you doing impression? Yeah. So I had to get the surgery and I was in college when I got it and I was in a sorority and sophomore year and I was.

[Jameela Jamil]

I can't imagine you in a sorority.

[Laura P.]

It's very hard for me as well.

[Audrey Stewart]

I didn't want to rush.

[Jameela Jamil]

How did you get in?

[Audrey Stewart]

It was gamified Beta. I didn't want to rush. But everybody, all the girls on my floor in my dorm, I loved them and they were just like.

[Jameela Jamil]

But don't they haze you to get in?

[Audrey Stewart]

No, cuz I just can't.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's why I was saying I can't imagine you in. I just can't imagine anyone being like, do this embarrassing thing and then you.

[Audrey Stewart]

This one. They didn't do that. You were like, like the stoner sorority. Like, wow, that's cool. They weren't top tier. They were like fr. Kind of frat. We like, we can out drink the boys and everyone's like, that's not a brag. We're like, that is like. It was like a fun.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's like skater sorority.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yes. And it was a lesbian sorority and it was minimal drama. I'm not even just saying that. Like it was a very chill. So I didn't want to rush. I did it cuz everybody else was. And that was the one house where I was like so weird so myself. And they were like, yeah, this is awesome. So it was a really.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's like a fantasy.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah. And everywhere I tour, there's always a sorority sister at the show.

[Jameela Jamil]

Amazing.

[Laura P.]

Go have fun with them. That's so fun.

[Audrey Stewart]

That's so great. In every city. They're not so. They're not your classics. But we were partiers, we raged and I was like the vocal cord people. You can't talk for a whole month. You can't talk for one whole month. And then even after that month, you can only talk a minute at a time. Then two minutes at a time. I mean I was like my whole Sophomore year, I was, like, not really talking, so. So this was kind of before advanced technology and stuff, too. Like, you could type on your own.

[Jameela Jamil]

Also, like, you have ADHD and you're a Chatty Cathy. That is torture.

[Laura P.]

So you hear this moment. You are who you are.

[Audrey Stewart]

You think that. But it also is kind of sick at the same time because people tell me so many secrets because they're like, she's not gonna tell anyone. And they. And they'd come in my. The room just be like, rebecca's being a.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I'm, like, nodding.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah. And it feels good to not have to have a response for everything.

[Laura P.]

It was, like, very sagely listening to that.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, it was, like, really cool. And then. But then I started drinking again, even in recovery, which is insane. But I had a whistle around my neck. Anytime I want to talk, I'd blow into the whistle, which was obnoxious. And then I had a dry erase board around my neck, and I have a picture. I'll send you guys. It's a dry erase board. And I went to a frat one time, and at the dry erase board, originally said, hey, just have vocal cord surgery. Can't talk, but I'm here to party. And then, like, I'm drinking and whatever, blowing in my whistle, and my friend changes my dry erase board to say. Say, hey, I just have vocal cord surgery, but I'll still, like, suck your sack or something crazy. And, like. Like I said, I'm just blowing in the whistle, right? And all the frat boys are looking at me, and they're probably like, oh, yeah. Hell, yeah.

[Laura P.]

You don't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

It says this.

[Laura P.]

This is. Oh, that's.

[Audrey Stewart]

There's a picture of it, too. I really have to send it to you guys, but, I mean, I'm down for a hookup. Why not? Whatever. I mean, I'm. I'm.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Laura P.]

For the rest of your life. You're like, I can't blow you.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't blow. Can't hit back there. But this guy, too, like. So I went with this guy to his cold. Do you guys know what a cold dorm or frat is?

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't know.

[Audrey Stewart]

That's weird. This is what's weird. The cold dorms. They're dark. Sounds so bad. Wow. It's a room full of bunk beds, and it's completely dark. All the windows are whatever. And there's an AC going. So the theory is so you could go sleep at any time of the day. Cause they're crazy. And I went with this Guy, and he's like, you want to hook up? And I blew in my whistle and I was like, you know, and then we. We go up to his bunk bed, and I like, you know, he's on top, and he's on the top bunk, but he's on top of me physically. And I'm like, I wouldn't be on top, you know, But I'm not saying this because I can't talk. So I do a switcheroonie. He falls off the bunk, Ben, not on the upper bunk, onto his back. And I just hear. And then you just hear my dry erase marker going. And I just, like, was frozen. When I panic, I'm frozen. Can't ask if you're okay. And he's just on the floor for so long, like, it felt like eternity. And I had in my head, I go, your dominance. He just kills me. Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

So what happened to him?

[Audrey Stewart]

He ended up being totally fine, but we cut the hook up, and his back, he was like, literally, like. He was like, all right, all right, have a good one. And I'm just like, you know. So when I finally could get my voice back, it didn't sound like me. It went. I was speaking really high and feminine, like, and I didn't feel like myself.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, you had no bass.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah. And then, like, people were like, oh. The guys were like, this is kind of nice. And then I remember one day, I was just like, pass me the tequila. And they're like, she's back

[Jameela Jamil]

in a trucker. Yeah. My head actually returned. Oh, this has been so fun. My face feels, like, tight from the amount of laughing.

[Audrey Stewart]

And I know they're over there being like, please don't spill that diet.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've never met either of you, but I feel so deeply, like, bonded, genuinely. This feels like a great hang. I'm sad for it to be nearly over. But before we go, we always have a section called Misery Loves Company where we ask our fine and wonderful listeners to give us their funny stories of woe. And this one's from Tamara. So tomorrow says, years ago, I was in a long distance relationship, and one weekend my boyfriend suddenly was able to come visit me. So I only had about a day's notice before he arrived. Not long after we reunited naturally, things turned to sex. Hours later, he came to me in a rage and accused me of cheating on him, which I had not done. He said that since we had sex, his dick was itching and burning, so I must have cheated, contracted an sti, and now passed it on to him. Him for a while I was baffled at why his dick was on fire until I realized that it must have been from Nair hair removal cream because I had such short notice and did not have time to book a waxing appointment. So I used Nair just before seeing him and didn't even have time to wash off, just wiped it off. There must have been some left behind on my bikini area that rubbed off on him. I mean, she must have gone close to the fucking line.

[Laura P.]

100%.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't think that's your bikini.

[Laura P.]

No, that's your vulva.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, behind on my bikini area. But also now we know he didn't go down on her first.

[Audrey Stewart]

And now we know.

[Jameela Jamil]

Selfish lover.

[Laura P.]

Selfish lover.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. So he got what he deserves. He would have tasted that first and known not to put his dick in there.

[Laura P.]

So you haven't seen her in months and you're not going downhill.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm a dictive and I a dictive, a detective. And I am sorry. But we can see immediately he's greedy, him blaming her.

[Laura P.]

Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

So, yeah, so she said it caused the burning. Lo and behold, it was a very tense situation and I never used Nair again. I hope you also never had sex with this ungenerous man again.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah. Who's this guy?

[Laura P.]

This ungenerous and suspicious man.

[Jameela Jamil]

Have you done the going out for spicy tacos and then handling a genital?

[Laura P.]

Yes, my own genital.

[Jameela Jamil]

Your own genital?

[Laura P.]

Chopping jalapeno touching, own vagina masturbating? Not.

[Audrey Stewart]

No.

[Laura P.]

Pleasant.

[Audrey Stewart]

Please, no.

[Jameela Jamil]

I love that you pointed at your breast when you said vagina, which really confused my brain and I was like, that's how much she did use a crayon. I've also done the like jalapeno poppers and then given a blow job and that was very, very bad. Oh my gosh, very bad. Forgot, Totally forgot. My bad.

[Audrey Stewart]

That's like. We had a friend who had got a spray tan and she gave a blow job and had a ring around her mouth. Sorry.

[Laura P.]

College friend of ours.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like a Ronald McDonald.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

God, that is amazing.

[Laura P.]

You want to know how I got these?

[Jameela Jamil]

I never want this episode to end, but it has to. So tell everyone where they can find you and what you've got going on.

[Laura P.]

I'm on the road a bunch and I don't know on the Internet. I want to sell tickets and I do a good stand up comedy. Come see me, find me on Instagram at Lara Peak P E E K Live. I love it.

[Audrey Stewart]

She's a killer and I'm a. Audrey Stu is our. It's not. I thought it was gonna be a clever name. Audrey Stu is art because it's Audrey Stewart, but it's actually kind of corny. But that's where you can find me on my Instagram.

[Laura P.]

Ultimately kind of confused.

[Audrey Stewart]

Yeah, yeah, ultimately. Yeah.

[Laura P.]

It's bad.

[Jameela Jamil]

They're like, is this Italian?

[Audrey Stewart]

Yes.

[Laura P.]

I have a. I bought a one of your. This was gonna be a really good riff. And then I lost it. Bye, everybody.

[Audrey Stewart]

By everyone,

[Jameela Jamil]

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own wrong turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com you can find full length videos of our episodes on YouTube. And don't forget to subscribe, like, review wherever you get your podcasts and tell your friends about us. And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now.

[Audrey Stewart]

Bye.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Audrey Stewart]

Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Jameela Jamil]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.

[Audrey Stewart]

Liberty.

[Laura P.]

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