Laurie Kilmartin and Sydney Kane

Summary

Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil
Episode: Laurie Kilmartin and Sydney Morgan Cain
Release Date: July 23, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of Wrong Turns is a hilarious, raw, and unfiltered exchange about personal disasters and embarrassing moments, featuring comedians Laurie Kilmartin and Sydney Morgan Cain. Host Jameela Jamil invites her guests to unload their most mortifying stories, with no effort to find silver linings—just unapologetic commiseration and laughter at life's wrong turns. The trio discusses everything from on-stage mishaps and disastrous flights to adolescent vengeance and accidental arrests, celebrating the universal experience of humiliation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introductions & Disaster Warm-Up

(01:29–04:43)

• Jameela welcomes Laurie Kilmartin—Emmy-nominated writer, stand-up, and author—and Sydney Morgan Cain, comedian, writer, and ex-Barney & Friends cast member.
• Conversation quickly detours to post-flight mustiness and bodily malfunctions.
• Early banter establishes the vibe: "A show where dignity goes to die."
• How guests handle disaster:
  • Sydney describes her "stoic, trauma response" exterior while inwardly panicking:
    “I go kind of stone cold... but on the inside I'm like, freaking the fuck out.” (04:30)
  • Laurie jokes about not having faced a true disaster—yet—with a nod to the world’s precarious state.

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2. Micro Humiliations

(06:10–18:23)

Laurie's Micro Humiliation: Protest Faux Pas

(06:10–07:37)

• Laurie attends a local Moms for Liberty protest, mistakenly yells at her own side.
• Recalls:
  “I started yelling at two women who turned out to be on my side… I just needed to take a beat to figure out which moms were homophobic and which weren't. And I just made the wrong call.” (06:50–06:58)

Laurie's Epic On-Stage Meltdown

(07:39–12:11)

• 18 years ago, post-breakup and single-parenting, she prepares for a big gig at Gotham Comedy Club—and, after not eating all day, faints onstage and soils herself.
  “As I fainted, I also shit my pants... Mercifully I was wearing brown pants.” (10:52)
• She’s haunted by how this derailed both her set and her friend’s big headlining night.
• Jameela on apologizing for fainting:
  “What a woman experience. To apologize for fainting on stage.” (12:06)

Sydney’s Micro Humiliation: Ghosted at 30,000 Feet

(12:32–18:23)

• Sydney recounts falling for a guy she never met in person. After months of intense sexting and nudes, they coincide in LA and make plans to fly to New York together, buying adjacent seats.
• Day of the flight, he ghosted her, feigned oversleeping, and she suspects he changed his ticket.
• Still, Sydney says, “We are still, like, we're friendly, but he is absolutely another cunt.” (17:05)
• She did eventually meet him in person and laugh it off:
  “We ended up meeting in New York and we did have sex. So it’s fine.” (18:23)
• Jameela: “You are more forgiving than Jesus Christ himself.” (18:23)

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3. Big Regrets & Villain Origin Stories

(20:26–37:36)

Laurie's Big Wrong Turn: The Yearbook Burn-Book

(20:35–25:38)

• In 7th grade, believing she’d never see her classmates again, Laurie writes brutally honest insults in everyone’s yearbook:
  “Dear Paula, you wear too much eyeliner. My mom says you look like a slut.” (21:51)
• Moves are canceled due to the Nicaraguan Revolution, forcing Laurie to return to school and face a year-long, orchestrated shunning.
  “They organized a shunning of me... which is why I’m a comic. I just need to be hurt, right?” (24:00)
• “All promises were kept” as she gets fingered by her crush in square dance class—her most redeeming memory.
• Jameela: “That is a real villain origin story.” (25:07)

Sydney’s Big Wrong Turn: Accidental Criminal

(26:42–37:36)

• Sydney, then a stressed college senior, recounts being arrested for (accidentally) shoplifting makeup.
  • She’d placed two (very expensive) items in the wrong bag, after buying $300 of products, and was taken to the basement, then held at the Brooklyn precinct. “I like to say this is my Laura Dern Oscar... I wasn't arrested for this one time—I was arrested for my body of work.” (31:06)
• After panic attacks in the holding cell, she’s eventually released and discovers via groupchat that all her musical theater classmates know.
• “I was not allowed back for five years. I’m now allowed there now. And I’m still a very high paying customer.” (34:35)
• Reflects on privilege and her ability to laugh about the experience.

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4. Listener Disaster: Egging Practice Gone Wrong

(39:53–42:13)

• Jameela reads a submission from Max—whose solo "egg practice" at home leads to being caught by his father, thanks to a telltale dripping egg carton.
• Laurie: “Denying in the face of full evidence is just how we live now, right? That is presidential at this point.” (41:52)

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Notable Quotes & Highlights

• Jameela on the show's ethos:
  "A show where dignity goes to die, where we are anti inspiration, pro commiseration." (01:29)

• Laurie Kilmartin, after fainting (and worse) onstage:
  "As I fainted, I also shit my pants. As one does. … Mercifully, I was wearing brown pants. It all sort of blended together, I assume." (10:52)

• Sydney on trusting the wrong men:
  "I have horrible taste in people to be sexual with." (12:34)

• Laurie revisiting her 7th-grade "burn book":
  "My head was bursting with seventh grade slams. Dear Paula, you wear too much eyeliner. My mom says you look like a slut." (21:51)

• Sydney, on her arrest:
  "I'm not saying I was going to buy a first class ticket back to New York, but this was JetBlue, it was in coach, and I did buy the middle seat." (14:25)

• Jameela, as the ultimate commiserator:
  "You are more forgiving than Jesus Christ himself." (18:23) "That is a real villain origin story." (25:07) "It's also like, it's quite badass for a musical theater child to go to jail." (35:16)

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Timestamps for Memorable Segments

• 01:29 – Jameela’s intro & the panel’s existential disaster check-in
• 06:10 – Laurie’s protest micro humiliation
• 07:39 – Laurie’s Gotham Comedy Club disaster
• 12:32 – Sydney’s ghosting-while-flying story
• 20:35 – Laurie's yearbook-burn book tale (villain origin story)
• 26:42 – Sydney's accidental arrest for shoplifting
• 39:53 – Listener submission: The great egging fiasco

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Closing Section: What’s Next for the Guests?

(42:33–43:43)

• Laurie promotes her Soho Theatre stand-up dates in London (July 27–28).
• Sydney teases a recently filmed show and her ongoing comedy projects, emphasizing social media handles for updates.

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Summary

This episode amplifies the cathartic—and comic—power of shameful stories, blending confessional honesty and wry reflection. Jameela, Laurie, and Sydney transform the most awkward, painful, or embarrassing moments into shared triumphs over self-seriousness, leaving listeners with a sense of solidarity and lots of laughter. If you’ve ever made a mess of things (or just shit your pants onstage), this episode is for you.

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Transcript

[Dani Pellegrino]

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[Sydney Morgan Cain]

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[Dani Pellegrino]

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[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Foreign.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil, a show where dignity goes to die, where we are anti inspiration, pro commiseration. And I get my favorite funny people every week to come and tell me their tales of woe and disaster and humiliation. And this week I have an Emmy nominated and WGA Award winning writer, comedian and self described Cisco woke grief slut, which is also the name of her comedy special. She'll be performing at the Soho Theatre in London on July 27th and 28th and I will be going and this will be her first time doing that in London. Her parenting book Shitty Mum is a New York Times bestseller and she's written on Conan and is currently a writer on Jimmy Kimmel Live. This is the longest intro I've ever fucking done. This is Lori Kilmartin.

[Unknown Female Guest 1]

Hello.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Thank you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Damn, they should have edited a lot of the episode.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah.

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

Hi everyone.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

That's so impressive.

[Jameela Jamil]

I know. I'm gonna leave. I am also thrilled to welcome a writer, actor, singer, and comedian. She is currently touring with her musical comedy wife, Material, and she's appeared on the series Millennial Jenny and, wait for it, Barney and Friends. It's Sydney fucking K. Hello.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Barney bought my spot.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, I love it. How are you both?

[Unknown Male Guest]

Great.

[Jameela Jamil]

How are you doing?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

You're fresh off a flight.

[Jameela Jamil]

Fresh is the wrong word. I'm musty. You must be off a flight. Yeah. You're.

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

For anyone who can't see me, I'm barely wearing pants right now. It's a disaster. But I'm good. I'm good. I almost vomited in the Uber on the way home.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

That's nice.

[Jameela Jamil]

Got motion sickness. New fun thing that happens in your 40s, apparently. Who knew?

[Unknown Female Guest 1]

Oh, no.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Was he on a bumpy road or was it. No shock absorbers or.

[Jameela Jamil]

No nothing. Just in a car.

[Unknown Female Guest 1]

Oh, no.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Oh, God.

[Jameela Jamil]

I thought that was me farting.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Just a second.

[Jameela Jamil]

Did you hear that sound? It was really farty. And I was like, has it become so loose back there that I don't even know anymore? I was.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

That could have been me. My stomach also has just been going off lately. Same Pepto Bismol has become my new, like, best friend. Best friend.

[Lori Kilmartin]

100% it wasn't me. I just want to put that out there.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I know you guys knew weren't even going to jump in with us.

[Lori Kilmartin]

That's what I thought. I need to deny or everyone will think of it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Maintain your dignity. You have the longest intro in the history of this podcast.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah, I know. To follow. That was nice.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was really nice. It was short but sweet.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I loved it.

[Lori Kilmartin]

I might have had the longest life of anyone on this podcast.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, that's not true. But an epic run so far. I wonder what you're both like with disaster. You both seem like very calm women.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I feel like it's a trauma response.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's not a fart. Sorry, one second.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

It is the chair.

[Jameela Jamil]

It is the chair.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

For those of you who can't hear. The chair. The chair.

[Jameela Jamil]

Question again.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Sorry, are you. Did you request that chair? Because you have gas and it's a

[Jameela Jamil]

good cover for genius.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Terrible stomach.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's his genius. Sometimes if I have a bad stomach, I will insist on bringing my dog so that I can go, ah, barreled anytime it happens. He's taken a lot of hits for me. Sorry, I was asking, how do you fare with disaster?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah, I. I go kind of stone cold for, like, my face just like, goes blank. But on the inside I'm like, freaking the out. But I. I appear like this stoic sometimes. I think it depends on the disaster.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Do people ever find it a bit cold and sociopathy?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, same. What about you?

[Lori Kilmartin]

I don't think I've experienced true disaster, but I feel like we're all about to in the next year. So we should circle back.

[Jameela Jamil]

You were going to say in the next hour, and I was like, you have no fucking idea.

[Lori Kilmartin]

We should circle back and see how we respond to whatever's coming down the pike.

[Jameela Jamil]

I love that everything up until now that's happened in the world has not qualified as disaster for you. You have a very high bar. Why, what's wrong?

[Lori Kilmartin]

Oh, I don't know. I guess when I go online, I read people just saying Americans are not going to be able to handle what's about to happen with like, and all that kind of stuff and the ramifications of all that. And I think that's true. And people are suggesting that we start our own gardens. Like, one carrot a year is not going to sustain me. So I'm.

[Jameela Jamil]

So that's what.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

That's what I'm watching.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

But can I also ask, like, do you want to be here when things go off grid?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

No. Get the gun.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, I heard about, like, arsenic and ketamine. Sorry, Combination. Keeping a little bit of arsenic and ketamine in like a little locket or something, so that if just shit goes down the second we go off grid,

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

for sure started that.

[Lori Kilmartin]

But the arsenic will do the trick. So the ketamine is just to make it blood?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've suffered enough. Okay, so let's start everyone off with some kind of micro humiliation so they can kind of get a sense for what's to come.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Laurie.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Okay, so my micro was this week. I was told on Instagram that there was a Moms for Liberty meeting near my house. And Moms for Liberty is like this really humble, homophobic, anti trans, like, Nazi group that's getting book spanned. They're really. They're like Laura Loomer adjacent, kind of. So I stopped by and there's a bunch of people protesting. And I started yelling at two women who turned out to be on my side. And I was like, wait a minute. Or you're against? And they're like, yeah. And I was like, oh, let me. I'm sorry, let me roll this back. I apologize.

[Jameela Jamil]

But wait, what obscenity did you shout at the people who rolled? You know, which very typical of the Left, by the way.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Just generic fuck yous and stuff. Like, I just needed to take a beat to figure out which moms were homophobic and which weren't. And I just made the wrong call. I jumped right in. I was all on my emotions. So I apologized to both of them. And it was very embarrassing though, because they both looked at me like this and I'm like, what? I thought, wow, these moms for Liberty seem so normal. And then of course, the moms for Liberty weren't normal. And that became evident in like the next two minutes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, that is deeply, deeply mortifying. You also have a story I'm told about something that happened regarding a show in Gotham.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Okay, so this is like 18 years ago, 17 years ago. So my son's father and I, we had at the time, a two year old old boy, and he left me. Now, I didn't know he'd left me for another woman. I knew. He just left. He left on a Friday. I had two shows.

[Jameela Jamil]

How do we feel about him now? Can I call him a cunt?

[Lori Kilmartin]

It's in and out. You know what?

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

Yes.

[Lori Kilmartin]

I can't. I. I would never tell anyone how to feel. And especially since I react, I'm gonna tell everyone.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah, yeah, you can tell, but like, I know you don't. Like, you don't want to do that, but, like, tell us how to feel. Yeah, I can call him a cunt.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's fine.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

I did it.

[Lori Kilmartin]

You guys are your own selves. So, and this is. He left right before two shows at Gotham Comedy Club in New York City. Whereas opening from my friend Greg Barent. Greg Barent is a really funny comedian writer. He coined the phrase, he's just not that into you and wrote the book and the movie. And he was a writer on Sex and the City. He's great. So I was just opening for him and it was supposed to be really fun because I'd known him since I started standup. So those two shows went okay. And then the next day, Saturday, it really hit me. Oh, my God, you're in shock. For the first time alone with a one year old in New York City.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Oh, my fucking God. This is not what I signed up for. How am I gonna do this? Right? And I uncharacteristically, did not eat all day long. Like, eating is my number one trauma response. And I was so over the top that I didn't eat, which I didn't even know I didn't eat. Then I get to Gotham that night, I have two shows and I had a little bit of wine. I'm like, let me just pull out of this. And I had a little bit of wine and whatever that did with no food for me. I got up on stage, I started telling it jokes. I'm telling, I'm actually doing jokes about my ex boyfriend who was Russian. So I was doing a Russian accent, you know, doing my impression of him. And I, I'm looking at the stage light and it's a sold out Saturday first show at Gotham Comedy Club. It's a big deal for Greg, you know, and so I'm just going up in front of him and I'm looking and the light's getting like whiter and whiter.

[Jameela Jamil]

I also would give anything to have heard your drunk Russian accent.

[Lori Kilmartin]

I was about to ask.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Can you do hear it? Yeah, it's.

[Lori Kilmartin]

It's just that I like, I think I purged it from my head. Like I purged him from my head. But at the time I. He was a recent ex boyfriend, so that material was still in there. But the light's getting bigger and bigger and all of a sudden I went down, the doorman was watching and he saw and he ran up and caught me before my head hit the stage.

[Jameela Jamil]

You just blacked out?

[Lori Kilmartin]

Totally fainted from a glass of wine? Totally.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yes.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Well, half a glass.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Single motherhood.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Lori Kilmartin]

So it all hit me right there on stage. So they get me off stage and also now this is. I usually wore jeans or black pants, but I do ever buy like a pair of like something that you don't usually wear and you're like, I want to start wearing this and then you don't do it and then it just sits in your classic. So I had a pair of brown pants. I never wore brown because they never matched the shoes I had. So I was like, I'm going to wear these, you know, and so I wore them that night.

[Jameela Jamil]

You were reclaiming your new single life.

[Lori Kilmartin]

I was, Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was a sexy pair of brown pants.

[Lori Kilmartin]

That's right. And. And so as I fainted, I also shit my pants. As one does. You let go of all of everything. Right. It probably happens when you die as well. So mercifully I was wearing brown pants. It all sort of blended together, I assume. And then I took a cab home and I laid out my coat because I didn't have anything else, you know, and it wasn't like a massive.

[Jameela Jamil]

Was it smellable?

[Lori Kilmartin]

Was it detectable to me, but maybe how much your BO is to you, like we can't smell it, but I was like, oh, my God. So I laid out my coat and I sat on it and I was like, I don't want to hurt the cab. And I got home and then I threw all those items of clothing away after I paid the babysitter.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Don't buy things you won't wear every day. You'll.

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

Your pants.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is horrifying.

[Lori Kilmartin]

And poor Greg was like, in. This is like a big deal for him. And I go down and of course the crowd's like, what the. I've always felt very guilty that. I mean, of all the. When you're doing four shows in Manhattan, the Saturday eight's the Jewel and the Crown, right? And I always felt bad that I kind of ruined that a little bit for him.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

What a woman experience. To apologize for fainting on stage.

[Lori Kilmartin]

If you were a man, they probably

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

applaud you for shitting your pants on stage and call it experimental art.

[Lori Kilmartin]

I know. Up top, dude.

[Dani Pellegrino]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, those are mad stories. But I also love, again, that this is probably why you don't consider things thus far to be too much of a disaster, because these are just like casual micro humiliations for you. Sydney.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do you have a micro humiliation for the group?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I do. I have horrible taste in people to be sexual with. And I had just gotten out of this two year awful situationship, like, just truly so toxic. Oh, he was like, imagine he's what my show is actually based on. He literally told me I was not like his. He didn't see me as his wife after, like 25 days. This, shockingly, is not the embarrassing story.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Like 25 days into a two year.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Exactly. So, yes, so. So then yes, after he did tell me that, I did try to prove him wrong. Absolutely. And we just, like, kept going. Again, this is not the embarrassing story, but maybe it should be. So after that, like, after we, like, stopped talking, we, like, you know, he moved away. I started talking to this other guy, slid in my DMs one day, or maybe I slid into his.

[Unknown Female Guest 1]

I can't remember.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

We're friends now, just so we're clear. But all summer last summer, we were like, you know, sexting and whatever, and he was gone. And, like, it was just nice to have this, like, connection with someone. And I'm just kind of like, oh, my God, like, this is the man I'm going to marry. And we're like, just like texting and, like, sending nudes and stuff. And like, I have no idea what I'm doing. And it turned out that when I was in LA in September, doing my show. He was also here and we had plans to actually fly back to New York the same day, coincidentally. And I was like, oh. And he was like, should we like, fly back together? And I'm like, la? To New York? And he was like, yeah. I was like, we've never met. And he was like, I know. And I was like, okay, so we buy the same ticket on the plane, he sends me his info. I just want to preface that this is, I'm not saying I, I, I'm not saying I was gonna buy a first class ticket back to New York, but this was JetBlue, it was in coach, and I did buy the middle seat.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, God. You really liked him by text.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I really liked him via text.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Wow.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

So when he was here in LA

[Jameela Jamil]

though, Was it also FaceTime wanking? So, no, it was just text and pictures.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah. I'm psychotic. I really was not in a good place.

[Unknown Female Guest 1]

No.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

And you were.

[Jameela Jamil]

We listen and we don't judge.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm really hopeful. I'm a very, I realize I'm a very hopeful person. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And trusting person.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah, that as well. Because, you know. Yeah, there's just like pictures of me there and I'm just like. But you know what? That I don't actually care. I'm just like, I feel that way.

[Jameela Jamil]

I just, I've always taken my best nudes with the knowledge that one day some would leak them onto the Internet.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

And so brilliant, brilliant line in Schitt's Creek where she's like, when you're young, like, take a million nude pictures of yourself. I can't remember what it is, but it's so good. Anyway, so, yeah, so I'm just sending again a million nude pictures of myself to this person. And he's in LA and we're trying to make plans to meet up, but every time he cancels. And I'm just kind of like, oh, it's okay, he's busy. And he's like, but it's fine, we have a six hour flight tomorrow. And I'm like, you're so right. We get to the airport, my brother is literally like, sydney, like, if he doesn't show up, you can never talk to him again. And I literally was like, josh, that's insane. And so I get to the airport, it's getting closer and closer to the flight, and I'm literally like, where is this person? He does not show up. He. I get a text from him being like, mean. I get text from him being like, sydney, oh my God. I Overslept. I was like, huh? And I literally was like, what do you mean? I call him, he doesn't answer. I go, what do you mean? And so then I get on the plane, I take his seat, obviously, because I'm like, well, he missed his flight. It's an empty seat. I'll be damned if I'm sitting in the middle seat. This girl comes up to me and she goes, oh, that's my seat. I said, huh? And then she was like, yeah, I was like. I was like, no, this was. Sorry, this is. I was supposed. No, this is not your seat. Like, this is my friend's seat. He bought it. He missed his flight. Like, this is actually. This is actually my seat. Like, I was like, you can take the seat next to me. And she was like, no, look. And she shows me your ticket and it has the seat. And I'm kind of like, huh. And so I text him and I'm literally like, hey, did you change your flight? Tell me right now. And he was like, sydney, I promise. Like, no, I didn't. I didn't. Like, I missed it. I'm like, okay, I. I go to chat GPT. Because where else do you go? And I go, JetBlue policy on changing flight. Like, do. Like, how fast can someone else get your ticket? Because she told me that she got her ticket at 3 o' clock in the morning.

[Jameela Jamil]

Jesus Christ.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

So I'm like, oh. And unfortunately, I still don't know what's true and what's not true.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, we all know what's true.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

And he absolutely changed his flight. And. And, like, yeah, and we are still, like, we're friendly, but he is absolutely another cunt. But he is a friend of mine. So, like, I am again, like, laughing about it now, but, like, I'm literally like, that's the last time I will buy a ticket with a man I've never met to fly across the country and never sit in the middle seat on JetBlue ever again.

[Jameela Jamil]

I can't believe you're even still friends with him after that.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I know, I know.

[Lori Kilmartin]

So you were almost gonna have your first date on a flight to New York City.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Sounded really nice, right?

[Lori Kilmartin]

It does actually sound like a great story.

[Jameela Jamil]

My first date with my boyfriend of almost 11 years on a flight to New York City.

[Lori Kilmartin]

You guys met accidentally on the flight?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no, we. We were kind of like hanging out a little bit as friends. And then that was our first date, and that was our first kiss at like an 8 o' clock in the morning flight to New York City.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

That's what I wanted for myself.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I guess, like, I just wanted to let you know how, like, it worked out really well for me. That was all. Just throw some, like, you know, that's fine.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I mean, like. Yeah. So that happened. I hate when people say that. I think it's so funny. So that just happened. Yeah. And we did actually meet. We ended up meeting in New York and we did have sex. So it's fine. We did end up actually in person.

[Jameela Jamil]

You are more forgiving than Jesus Christ himself.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I am Jesus.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, God. I love you both so much already. We'll be right back after the break.

[Unknown Narrator/Ad Voice]

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[Sydney Morgan Cain]

sophistication, those with strong advisory support, the natural outcome is two distinct portfolios, one public, one private. Each plays a different role in the overall strategy. Uncover new investment opportunities for you@creative planning.com

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

New a better help ad after my session and talking to my therapist and really feeling seen and heard for the first time, I just felt like a weight just was lifted off of my shoulders and I felt like it was a good match. From the first time we talked, I could tell people from lived experience that they should try therapy. I could really be myself again. And I have this continued support with better help.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wherever you are, that's where better help begins. Visit betterhelp.comrandompodcast to get started.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Paid testimonials Results may vary.

[Unknown Male Guest]

This episode is sponsored by zocdoc. Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start? We've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc. Actually over the holidays, Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed. But we hopped onto zocdoc, found an in network dentist, had great reviews, saw real time appointments available, which was key. It was on New Year's Day and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation. Zocdoc makes it easy to search and compare over 250,000 local in network providers across more than 200 specialties. So you can find the right doctor or dentist and book instantly. Taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today and book that appointment on your to do list. That's Z O C D O C zocdoc.

[Jameela Jamil]

And we are back. Okay, Laurie, it's time for your big old regret. Okay, the one that gives you kind of like throwback shudders.

[Lori Kilmartin]

This goes back a long Ways. So let's start in middle school.

[Unknown Male Guest]

Okay.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Because I do think in middle school is why I became a stand up comedian.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's formative.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Very formative. Right. And I had bullies. My bullies were not clever that like, they. I wore glasses in middle school. And what do you think their nickname for me was?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Four Eyes.

[Lori Kilmartin]

No, Glasses.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, fuck.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Four Eyes would have been impressive. Not these idiots. Glasses. They call me Glasses. And me and my best friend Braces would just sit and make fun of them.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Lori Kilmartin]

And they would sing to us. Glasses and Braces sitting in a tree. One can't eat, the other can't see. Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

At least they can rhyme.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

At least they can rhyme. Yeah.

[Lori Kilmartin]

So Shakespearean, Middle of seventh grade, my dad got a job overseas in Nicaragua. Okay. And it's like a very long job. And the plan was he was going to move there immediately to Managua, start the job on my sister, and I would finish out the school year and then go down during the summer.

[Unknown Female Guest 1]

Right.

[Lori Kilmartin]

And so, last day, seventh grade, it's yearbook day. And I'm signing yearbooks. And as I'm signing yearbooks, I realize, oh, my gosh, I'm never going to see these kids again. And I don't like a lot of them. Maybe you should sign the yearbooks. Honestly. Right. And you know that feeling you get when you've decided to burn bridges?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Lori Kilmartin]

That adrenaline is unstoppable.

[Dani Pellegrino]

Yeah.

[Lori Kilmartin]

My head was bursting with seventh grade slams. Dear Paula, you wear too much eyeliner. My mom says you look like a love glasses.

[Jameela Jamil]

Also teaching them how to burn correctly.

[Lori Kilmartin]

There was this girl named Vicki who's super skinny, and she come up to the heavier girls like me, and she'd pinch herself and she'd say, do you think I'm fat? And because of the hierarchy in middle school, we had to reassure her. She was thin. And I was so tired of being in this play every day that I wrote. Dear Vicki, yeah, you're fat. And my mom says, you look like a slut. I really hung my mom out to

[Jameela Jamil]

dry every given opportunity.

[Lori Kilmartin]

And the thing is, Vicki dmed me recently. And she goes, hey, I hear you're talking about seventh grade on stage. And I said, I said, actually, I am. And she goes, well, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

[Jameela Jamil]

And, oh, too late, Vicki.

[Lori Kilmartin]

She goes, thank you for not using my real name in your act. And I said, you're welcome. Ashley Stevenson.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Whose parents still live at. Right. Pleasant Hill.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

We're believing that.

[Lori Kilmartin]

California Apology not accepted. You've Been doxed, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

And my mom thinks you look like a sloth.

[Jameela Jamil]

Even my mom thinks she looks like a slot.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

My mom beats your ass.

[Lori Kilmartin]

And there was this boy named Peter who I loved, and I couldn't even talk to him. Like, I would tremble in his presence. You know that feeling. But I was real brave that day. So. Dear Peter, I think you're fine. You could have fingered me and square down class. Oh, my God. Don't bother following up on this.

[Jameela Jamil]

Square dance class.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Moving to Nicaragua, it was the greatest day of my life. I will never forget that day. It was the last day of seventh grade in June of 1978. And I never forget it, because in July of 1978, there was a revolution in Nicaragua.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Unknown Female Guest 1]

Oh, no.

[Dani Pellegrino]

Oh, no.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Oh, yes.

[Unknown Female Guest 1]

Oh, no.

[Lori Kilmartin]

And how all that affected me,

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

the

[Lori Kilmartin]

true victim of the Nicaraguan civil war, ladies, is our family's plans changed.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

No, no, no.

[Lori Kilmartin]

So my dad calls, he goes, all right, I'm gonna stay down here, and you girls are gonna stay with your mom. But the good news is you get to go back to school. And I said, dad, I did things because I was told I was moving to Central America forever. And I'm no longer safe in North America. One more day. Por favor, Papa, please. I've been working on Mia Spaniel. And he said, no. And so I had to go back to school like a month and a half later. And the girls, the girls had all read their yearbooks over the summer, even the ones I thought couldn't read. They organized a shunning of me. Yeah, it was a year long, 8th grade girl shunning. Wouldn't look at me, talk to me, wouldn't speak. If I spoke, they would ignore me, which is why I'm a comic. I just need to be hurt, right? And people think I'm this old mom, you know, doing comedy. I'm actually an 8th grader who should have been allowed to move to Nicaragua. Now, the only person I didn't show me was my boy, Peter. Oh, wow. He also read his yearbook over the summer, and he made me his partner in intermediate square dance class.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Did you get anger?

[Lori Kilmartin]

Did you get fingered? All promises were kept.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Was it good?

[Lori Kilmartin]

It was good.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Oh, great.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sorry. Round of applause for Lauren. Thank you. That is a. That is a real villain origin story.

[Lori Kilmartin]

It really is. Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Or a comic origin story, which is sort of the same thing.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Yeah, they are. I was gonna say comics are villains for sure.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, 100%. Oh, my God. I. You must have just fucking died.

[Lori Kilmartin]

I did, yeah. Yeah, I died. Yeah, I wanted to die many times,

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

but, like, that's iconic. To have a shunning group for you. That's, like, awesome to have haters that young, I guess.

[Lori Kilmartin]

You know what? I hadn't looked at it that way. What I appreciate is you guys are helping me reframe this trauma.

[Jameela Jamil]

You got a round of applause for it.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

They were bullying you.

[Lori Kilmartin]

I know.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

What are you supposed to do?

[Lori Kilmartin]

Silence is the worst kind of bullying.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Actually, it really is worse than being yelled at.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was largely ignored for most of primary and secondary school, and then one of the only times, and I swear to God, about a month that a girl spoke to me was just to come up to me while I was eating a banana in the break room on my own, and she just went, ugh. Oh, God. And I was like. That was the most contact I had that month. I was like, she sees me. She knows my name. That's my pronoun. Yeah. Fucking mad. It's such a brutal, brutal time. Well, he came out of it alive and here and funnier for it and taught them, you know, some valuable. No, I have nothing there. Yeah, there's nothing there.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Sydney. Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

What is your big wrong turn?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

So I just want to preface this with, my sister's about to graduate law school, and I was on my way here and she asked me like, oh, what are you gonna talk about? And I told her, and she was like, maybe don't. And I was like, Well, I was like, I don't have any other choice. I've never talked about this publicly.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

It is technically. So, okay, So I went. So I just want to preface this also. I'm going to keep prefacing until I have to actually speak. I went to school for musical theater. I currently have obtained a BFA in musical theater.

[Jameela Jamil]

Can I just say you are holding that together very well, that I have a bfa? No, the musical theater background. Sometimes that comes out in someone very immediately. And I don't mean that in a negative way. It's just a very specific vibe.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I take that as a really big compliment.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you.

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

Okay.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I just like, you know, I like

[Jameela Jamil]

musical theater people, but it's a very specific vibe and you don't give it away at all.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah, it's kind of like, because I don't know if that world likes me, but, like, I haven't really felt like I belonged in that world very much.

[Jameela Jamil]

I see a theme here.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

So that being said, we had just finished a rehearsal for this thing that I was doing, like, a performance that we were doing. And I am obsessed with a certain makeup store and have always been and still am. And I don't know if I want to say the name of the store just. Or we can bleep it. Can we bleep it? Okay. So is my home and always has been and always will be. And there's, like, you know, there's this thing where, you know, people take from it all the time illegally, and it's like, a thing. And so I. Yeah, and so I. You know, but the thing about this time when I was there is that. And I know how this sounds, I actually was not attempting to shoplift that day.

[Jameela Jamil]

This time.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

This time. Yeah, I like to say, because I was arrested that day. I was arrested that day. So. Because I was coming from rehearsal and I. Again, I know how this sounds. I had my shopping bag, and I had my actual bag, and I'm walking around. I'm making friends with all the employees. I'm asking them about new foundations and concealers because I have this thing where, like, if I'm feeling stressed out, I will buy makeup. That's, like, my trauma response. I will binge buy makeup.

[Jameela Jamil]

And you're saying that, like, that's quite a niche problem, whereas there's a.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

No, I don't. Trillion dollar industry based on that exact trauma.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Shopping.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I hope I get a million DMs. Weird fetish. Yeah, I have this weird fetish where I buy things. Pick me. So random. And so I'm making myself known in the store with all the girlies in the store just being like, what's the concealer? And Lancome would just come out with, like, I think they brought Juicy Tubes back or something. And I was, like, freaking out about that. So I.

[Jameela Jamil]

How old are you at this time?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I'm a senior in college. My senior year showcase is around the corner. This is April. My showcase is in May. So we are mere a month away. I'm up against it. I have my, like, 32 bars ready to go for that showcase. You know, everything. So what happened is, is that, you know, I'll go around and I'll pick out everything that I want, and then I'll put things back as I, like, realize I don't want them because I need to know what I have in my basket. Some of it did. It went in my other bag. That's what happened. I bought about $300 worth of stuff

[Jameela Jamil]

that you just put it in the

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

wrong pot because they were like. Like this, right? And, like, And I'm talking to other people about this after it happened. They're like, I've done that. And I'm like, yeah, I know. It's like, it's like a thing. And so I go and I buy like $300 worth of stuff. And then I stop at the door and they're like, you have to come with us. And I was like, you made a purchase already? I bought three. So.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Oh, my God.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

And I guess it's a tactic. So I get taken downstairs to jail where they hold me downstairs. And they're like, so, yeah, you stole. And I'm like, but I bought $300 worth of stuff. Also. Like, here, please take what I have in my bag. Like, I don't want it. It's a foundation and a setting powder, I think is what it was that totaled out to $170. So two things that fell in my bag. And I'm like, that's not fair. It wasn't like I stole like $107 worth of cash. It's like it was an accident. And so four cops come to take me away.

[Jameela Jamil]

Also, can I just. Like, do you know how many things the police don't show up for? I know.

[Lori Kilmartin]

And they send four for a child.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Two men, two women. And they take me in the elevator. I'm not allowed back for five years.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Oh, no.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

But I can still shop online is what they tell me. And I'm literally like, I love that.

[Jameela Jamil]

They don't want to lose your business.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Well, no, I'm one of the most. They're like, we know you're a high paying customer. Like, I'm rouge, you know, Like, I literally. I'm like, I'm like, how can you arrest me? Trust me, I'm rouge. Like, I don't understand. Like, and I like to say this, that, like, listen, I. I consider this my, like, Laura Dern Oscar. Like, I wasn't arrested for this one time. I was shoplifting. I was arrested for, like, my body of work. Yeah, like, Laura turn winning for a marriage story.

[Lori Kilmartin]

It's a lifetime.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Like, she didn't. Like, she didn't win for marriage story. She won for her body of work, you know, So I would say this is my. This is my karma because I'm not perfect. And listen, I'm not saying I've stolen like a million dollars worth of stuff, but, like, you know, like, whatever. And so I get taken to the Brooklyn precinct where my two arresting officers, their names were Brittany and then officer Gutierrez. Officer Gutierrez would not tell me her name. But Brittany and I got really close because I was having panic attacks in the holding cell because I'm like, I think my life's over. I thought this was, like, my Orange is the New Black, like, origin story, like, where I'm sitting there and I'm like, this is how it happens, and this is it. This is done. I'm done. I'm done. And then I sat there, and they're like, we just have to process your paperwork. The thing is that you've never. You don't have a record, so we just need to process your paperwork and blah, blah, blah, whatever. And I. My one phone call, I call my boyfriend at the time. Thank God I memorized his number. Don't know how I did that. I think it's because, like, for so long, I, like, didn't save his number as his name. And so I just, like, ended up, like, memorizing the numbers anyway. So I call him. He answers, can't hear me, and goes, hello? And then hangs up. And then the Britney goes, call him again. And I'm like, I call him again. He answers, goes, hello. Hello? Couldn't hear me, hangs up again. And I'm like, I don't know what to do. I don't have my phone.

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

I.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

No one knows where I am. I don't know what to do. And they're like, we'll just. We'll try it later. And I'm like, okay. So I go into the holding cell where I'm sat for about eight hours total. And throughout that time, I've been taken out because I've been having panic attacks and.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Are there other people in there with you, too?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

No, I was alone.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Okay.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Which I don't know if that's, like, a good or a bad thing. I mean, I don't know. Like, quite frankly, I was shocked. I don't know. I was like, but it was a Sunday, so maybe that's, like, a light day. I'm not sure. And so, like, it's so true. So then eight hours go by. They're like, we finally process your paperwork. Whatever. You're allowed to go. Britney has to take me to the detective to, you know, make sure that, like, my story checks out or whatever. And she's like, and your boyfriend's here? And I'm like, how the did he get here? Like, he doesn't know where I am. I couldn't get in contact with him. And so, you know, I go to the detective, and the detective is like, what's this case? And they're like. And they go again. And he's like, did you need to steal? Did you mean to steal? And I go, no, no. He goes, go. And I'm like, like, awesome. And so I leave and I see my boyfriend at the time and he is like, hey. And I'm like, how did you know I was here? He's like, so, okay, don't freak out. And I was like, what? And he was like, I didn't know where you were. So like, I said I was in a BFA musical theater program. We have a group chat, like. And he texts the group chat. He's like, hey, I don't know where Sydney. Has anyone heard from Sydney? Like, she hasn't said anything. Like. And they're like, last I saw she was at rehearsal, blah, blah. My friend screenshots my location, sends it to the group without even a thought. And it says, it's the 88th Precinct in Brooklyn, New York. And everyone goes, oh, what? And everyone's like. And my friend goes, oh, well, maybe she, like lost her phone and it like showed up at the precinct or something. And my boyfriend at the time was like, well, I guess I'm. I'm going there. And he comes and I'm like, so everyone knows that I was arrested? He was like, everyone knows you're at the precinct. But not everyone necessarily knows. I'm like, no, they know I was arrested.

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a long time to be waiting for your phone.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

It's a long time to be waiting for my phone. And so I, yeah, everyone found out about it. I was not allowed back for five years. I'm now allowed there now. And I'm still a very high paying customer. Are you still rude? Yeah, I am. And I had to do a stop lift class. It is expunged.

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

Wow.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

And I just have to say I haven't talked about this for a really long time because it's like, I am a white girl. And the fact is, is, like, I don't know, there's like so much privilege to the fact that I can laugh about this story. So I've like really refrained from talking about it for, like, so long because I genuinely have been like, oh, I don't want to fucking talk about this. But now I'm just like, you know what? Like, yeah, that's kind of what happened.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's also like, it's quite badass for a musical theater child to go to jail.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Yeah.

[Unknown Male Guest]

You know what I mean?

[Jameela Jamil]

It's the opposite of what's expected. Expected of you.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah. To showcase a month later, Is like

[Jameela Jamil]

the closest you're supposed to get to the justice system. Do you know what I mean?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah. Like, Ryan Murphy didn't even dare to write about this in Glee.

[Jameela Jamil]

Exactly.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Like, not even stoplift.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Like traffic school for shoplifting.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Exactly like that.

[Lori Kilmartin]

So you were taught by a former shoplifter or.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Oh, my God, I wish. No, actually, I forgot their name. But in my, like, class, there were five other cases in there. Oh, my God, five other ones. And I'm just like, you know what? Maybe this is a bigger issue that we're like, trying to systemic. It's big makeup that we're up against.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, exactly.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

It's big makeup that we're up against.

[Jameela Jamil]

We were all worried about big pharma and big food, and all along it was big makeup.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

We need like a newsies, but for makeup.

[Jameela Jamil]

Everyone needs to rise up.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Everyone needs to rise up.

[Jameela Jamil]

Amazing. Anyways, that's my last amazing story. I had no idea how you were going to be able to follow the last story. And you did a fabulous job.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

That was great story.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Yeah, both. And then did you go to, like, Ulta in the five years you were a band.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

That's right. And Mac. And Mac. So I do have a brand deal with now. I was like, I might.

[Jameela Jamil]

If they have any sense, they do that. Do you remember when Winona Ryder got caught stealing from Marc Jacobs? And then Marc Jacobs dressed her for the entire court case, the whole public trial, she was dressed only by Marc Jacobs and then landed a Marc Jacobs campaign. And I was like, that's the chicest thing I've ever heard of in my entire life.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

So I chic to be arrested for

[Jameela Jamil]

you in your future. And then everyone will know who heard the bleeped version of this, what the real version was.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Do you have a mugshot then?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

No. Okay. No. I thought I. That was like the one thing that I didn't get to do. But they had my fingerprint, I think.

[Jameela Jamil]

But also that face would have been beat. No.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah, I was. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

100 on all the bushes.

[Lori Kilmartin]

It was the samples. Oh, my God.

[Unknown Female Guest 1]

Yeah.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Like, absolutely.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hottest mug shot of all.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

That's like why they call it like. Like mug, right? Like, it's like, look at her mug.

[Jameela Jamil]

They didn't take one of you because you looked too good.

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

Too good.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

That is exactly why.

[Jameela Jamil]

Exactly. We'll be right back after the break. A better help ad.

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

After my session and talking to my therapist and really feeling seen and heard for the first time, I just felt like a weight just was lifted off of my shoulders. And I felt like it was a good match. From the first time we talked, I could tell people from lived experience that they should try therapy. I could really be myself again. And I have this continued support with better help.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wherever you are, that's where BetterHelp begins. Visit betterhelp.comrandompodcast to get started.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Paid testimonials Results may vary.

[Dani Pellegrino]

This ad is sponsored by zocdoc. Hi, it's Dani Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. Have you been putting off that annual doctor's appointment because you don't want to make the call? Or maybe you've been meaning to find a new dentist but you have no idea where to start? I find that's especially true when you move, it's hard to find your people. I've been there, which is why I use ZocDoc now. As a busy podcaster, parent, and someone who's always jugg things, I love anything that makes life easier. And ZocDoc lets you search and compare local in network Doctors. With over 250,000 providers across more than 200 specialties, you can read reviews from real patients, find a provider who feels like the right fit, see actual appointment openings, and book instantly. I recently had a last minute health issue pop up and needed to see someone fast. And instead of calling around or sitting on hold, I found a doctor on zocdoc and booked an appointment in just a few minutes. It made the whole process so much less stressful. Now taking care of your health just got easier. Download the Zoc Doc app today. That's ZocDoc. Z O C D O C and book that appointment on your to do list.

[Jameela Jamil]

Best thing that's ever happened to you financially.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Go easy.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Sold my car on Carvana. Amazing offer, really.

[Jameela Jamil]

I hit 200 on a scratcher.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check?

[Dani Pellegrino]

No.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay, that's fair.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

It's like the lottery, except you always win.

[Jameela Jamil]

Not like the lottery at all actually.

[Unknown Male Guest 2]

Exactly. Inexplicably good offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up these may apply.

[Jameela Jamil]

And we are back. Oh, you're both a delight. I hate to see you go, but before you do, I would like to read you a story from one of our listeners. They send in some of the most obscene stories in the world. So this one's from Max. This is Misery Loves Company. In the fifth grade, the cool kids in my school invited Me to go egging cars with them on a Saturday night. Now, he'd never done it before, so he felt he needed to practice to do it properly around the popular guys. So that afternoon, he says, only my dad and I were home. My bedroom was on the second floor, facing the street. I bought a dozen eggs to my windowsill, opened it, and when a car drove by on our street, I threw an egg as hard as I could at the car. It hit the window and started dripping down. I took a second egg and flung it at the next car. It went splat right on the front windshield. At which point the car screeched to a halt, backed up, and pulled into our driveway. It's very possible I hadn't thought this through. My dad answers the door, and I can hear him saying to the very angry driver, there was no way an egg came from this house. And then I could hear my dad coming up the stairs. Fuck. I was fully clothed, heart racing. I got under my covers and tried to act like I was asleep. My dad knocks on my door, and I deliver my best Ferris Bueller voice that I've been slee. He sits on the bed and tells me someone just pulled up to his house and claimed someone threw an egg. At this point, we both silently looked over at my window where a carton of eggs sat. Sob, stomp, stab with one still dripping. And then we looked at each other again, and this is the best bit. I could not face my own stupidity. So I said, dad, that guy is crazy. And I was grounded for two weeks.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I just love, like, the going and hiding under your covers. To pretend like you're asleep is such, like, a. That is so relatable. I do that to this day. I do that to this day.

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

My boyfriend.

[Jameela Jamil]

I did it on, like, Wednesday.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I did this last night. My boyfriend was packing because he just left for a trip, and I literally, he, like, was vacuuming and, like, I thought he was gonna ask me for help. And I, like, didn't want to open something. I pretended like I was asleep.

[Lori Kilmartin]

And also now denying in the despite full evidence is just how we live now, right? That is presidential at this point.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

So. Good.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, I. I do it when there's over who I can't be bothered to hang out with. I just pretend I get fully even with my shoes on sometimes jump in that bed before he gets down the hallway and he just thinks I'm having a nap.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Oh, and then your boyfriend's invited somebody over.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. I can't be bothered. And we get my front door from our bedroom, so I sneak in and out. Or I get Uber Eats from that. So I'll be like, psst, over here. Secret door.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

We're so similar. That is so something I would do at Uber Eats. I frequently.

[Jameela Jamil]

Exactly.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Before you go, will you tell everyone what you have coming up and where they can find you and watch your things?

[Lori Kilmartin]

I just have stand up tour dates, but I'll be in London. That's I think the big shows I'm plugging. I'll be at the Soho Theater. That's 27th, 28th of July.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's an amazing venue.

[Lori Kilmartin]

I'm so psyched.

[Jameela Jamil]

And we will love you.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Oh, I can't wait.

[Jameela Jamil]

You'll sew our cup of tea.

[Unknown Female Guest 1]

Really?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Especially after that.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Even now in America.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We. We know that people aren't my government. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're fine. But also, I think you would have won England over with that story about the burn book that you turned your yearbook into.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Literally the OG Regina George is you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Absolutely incredible.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Dani Pellegrino]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And what about you, Sydney?

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I just finished doing my show. I did it at the Roxy, literally like two weeks ago. And. But right now you can just find me at Sydney Morgan Cain on all social media platforms and stay tuned because I. We're filming something in June that I'm excited about releasing the Barney and Friends literally too. Yes. No, I'm excited.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Barney Harder.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Barney and Friends. Barney gets arrested.

[Jameela Jamil]

We have to bleep it again.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

I'm sorry.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is Christ. And by the way, just before we go, everyone can lose a good hour of their life. YouTubing People who thought they won the lottery and went and like, pissed or shat on their boss's death. Oh, wow. And then found out they'd read the numbers wrong. There are so many instances of this around the world from Brazil to Boston, and it is truly like the only thing sometimes that cheers me up. So just a word to the wise, okay? Thank you so much for coming. You've both been absolutely hilarious.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Lori Kilmartin]

Yeah, it was really fun.

[Sydney Morgan Cain]

Love.

[Jameela Jamil]

Ron Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own wrong turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com youm can find full length videos of our episodes on YouTube. And don't forget to subscribe, like review wherever you get your podcasts and tell your friends about us. And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. See, I'm gonna fuck off now. Bye.

[Unknown Female Guest 2]

So good.

[Unknown Male Guest]

So good.

[Dani Pellegrino]

So good.

[Unknown Female Guest 1]

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