Olivia Lee and Cariad Lloyd

Summary

Podcast Summary: Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil

Episode: Olivia Lee and Cariad Lloyd

Release Date: April 2, 2026
Host: Jameela Jamil
Guests: Olivia Lee, Cariad Lloyd

Episode Overview

This episode of “Wrong Turns,” hosted by Jameela Jamil, features comedians/writers Olivia Lee and Cariad Lloyd. The trio dive into their most mortifying, disastrous, and deeply human stories, reveling in embarrassment rather than seeking feel-good lessons. From public oversharing to outlandish shoplifting, hallucinated celebrity marriages, wild improv gigs, and chaotic childbirths, each tale offers listeners a candid and hilarious reminder that everyone’s life is a little bit of a disaster sometimes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Bond of Shared Embarrassment

• The show kicks off with Jameela reminding listeners that there is no moral lesson—just communal marination in shame and disaster.
• Olivia and Cariad both embrace being magnetically drawn to chaos and mishap; Olivia is "very accident-prone, very clumsy" and recently diagnosed with ADHD, while Cariad considers herself "hyper vigilant anxiety person"—constantly scanning for threats.
  • [03:40] Olivia Lee: "Anytime something really bad happens to me, I'm really happy about it."
  • [04:11] Jameela Jamil: "I think neurotypicals are the new lepers... I don't think they're real."

Oversharing, Masking, and Neurodivergence

• All agree that honesty (sometimes extreme) and oversharing is a coping mechanism, especially among neurodivergent women in the creative industries.
  • [04:50] Olivia Lee: "[With ADHD] I don't have any boundary between, like, I've only just met this person, and this is my close friend. I treat everyone the same."
  • [05:53] Jameela Jamil (on Carriad’s work): "Your body of work is very honest."
• The group discusses the constant ‘masking’ women do and the scarcity (or invisibility) of so-called ‘neurotypicals’ in creative circles.

Absurd Calamities and Losing Reality

• Jameela’s Flying Lamp Disaster:

  • As a teen, Jameela recalls walking down her street when a lamp fell out of an upstairs window (thrown during a couple's fight), hitting her head and causing a bloody but minor injury.
    • [06:14] Jameela Jamil: "Just to be clear, I was walking down the street and a lamp fell out of the sky and split my head open."
  • She muses that disaster "finds" her, almost as if she's cursed.
    • [07:11] Jameela Jamil: "I'm gonna squeeze every last penny out of this nightmare before I finally die."

• Cariad's Improv-Induced Delusions:

  • Cariad details her experience losing touch with reality after 50+ hours of nonstop improv theatre, culminating in a genuine belief that she was married to David Bowie:
    • [10:13] Carriad Lloyd: "Hour 25 of being with this person, I thought he was David Bowie and I thought I was married to him... It was like bumping into an ex."
  • The deep-dive into ‘lizard brain’ from extreme sleep deprivation exposes the fragility and inventiveness of the mind.

• Jameela’s Hallucination or Reality (Pete Doherty episode):

  • After going cold-turkey from a massive caffeine habit, Jameela hallucinated seeing Pete Doherty naked in her flat—only to later discover it actually happened.
    • [14:03] Jameela Jamil: "I looked down the hallway, and I could see Pete Doherty from the Libertines, like, playing the bongos naked... And then, as I say that, Pete Doherty walks through the hallway, past the kitchen. And I was like, it's still happening."

• Olivia’s Melatonin-induced Amnesia:

  • Sleep-deprived from motherhood, Olivia overdosed on a potent melatonin from a friend, causing her to enter a fugue state in which she couldn’t remember if she’d dropped her children at school.
    • [17:18] Olivia Lee: "I was so in automatic pilot... I don't actually to this day remember getting them there."
    • [18:43] Olivia Lee (to herself): "Did I drop Ernie off today?"

Shoplifting Confessions

• Olivia admits to developing a "micro-shoplifting" habit since becoming a mother, blaming a need for dopamine and routine-driven boredom.
  • [20:44] Olivia Lee: "I've sort of developed a little bit of shoplifting habits since having kids. Tiny microaggressions."
• Stealing protein balls and sourdough from the local Planet Organic becomes her "adrenaline fix."
  • [22:42] Olivia Lee: "The buggy is the perfect crime. Right. Buggy, tired mum, kid. Totally perfect crime, right?"
  • [24:01] Jameela Jamil: "Stealing protein in Muswell Hill at Planet Organic is the most middle class thing I've ever heard in my life."
• Attempts to justify the habit to her husband: lack of excitement leads to "either let me nick stuff or I have to go back to fucking strangers, right?"
  • [25:08] Olivia Lee: "You either let me nick stuff or I have to go back to fucking strangers, right?"
• The guests reflect on childhood shoplifting, family role-modeling (Olivia’s nan was a culprit), and the shame/guilt that clings.

Edgy Comedy, Improvising Disaster, and Misjudged Boundaries

• Cariad & Olivia recount past comic characters and performances that went awry due to their skewed perception of “normal”:
  • [32:25] Carriad Lloyd: "I did a character that was called Sanitary Bag Lady... looking for a period because she wanted a tampon."
• Both recall situations where comedy turned unexpectedly confrontational (leading to an audience member attempting to fight Cariad, or Olivia traumatizing a terrified flat-hunter).
  • [36:21] Olivia Lee: "She started crying... I really scared her. And then I looked even more crazy... this woman is mad."
• Cariad explains how learning from peers like Sarah Pascoe helped her defuse intense audience reactions:
  • [41:01] Carriad Lloyd: "I've seen her deal with so many situations... I took the cardboard off and said, my name's Carriad, I'm being a character, I'm really sorry I've upset you."

Olivia’s Traumatic Speedy Childbirth

• Olivia shares her “wrong turn” childbirth story: from labor to birth in 40 minutes, mismanagement by a student midwife, a husband fixated on his sandwich, and accidentally being administered pethidine too late.
  • [42:19] Olivia Lee: "I went from being in labor to then giving birth 40 minutes later."
  • [44:46] Olivia Lee: "They had to get the crash team in and then put the sandwich down and hold the baby."
• Humorous “wrong turn” moments—desire for a cigarette after birth, fixating on whether she’d defecated herself, and the challenges of rapidly switching emotional states in the chaos.
  • [47:16] Olivia Lee: "I really fancy a fag now. Push that one out."
• Resolution: Her baby was revived and everyone survived, with a few close calls and much confusion about bodily functions.

Listener (or host’s friend’s) Story: The Bhaji Bowl Incident

• Jameela tells a friend's story: at a festival, after eating onion bhajis, the friend is awakened in the night by his girlfriend demanding he check if he’s “shat himself” due to the powerful smell.
  • [49:47] Jameela Jamil: "The smells that are coming out of you are so bad and so violent that I'm afraid you've shit yourself... She forces him to stick his hand in his ass."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "This is a bonding show that makes other people feel better about their lives every week because they're not us." – Jameela Jamil [01:41]
• "I think neurotypicals are the new lepers... I don't think they're real." – Jameela Jamil [04:11]
• "I monetize being incredibly honest." – Cariad Lloyd [05:55]
• "I thought I was dying because it was like the talented Mr. Ripley where half your face is just suddenly covered in blood... turned out to be an embarrassingly small cut." – Jameela Jamil [06:54]
• "Hour 25 of being with this person, I thought he was David Bowie and I thought I was married to him." – Cariad Lloyd [10:13]
• "Afterwards... It was like bumping into an ex." – Cariad Lloyd [11:42]
• "I looked down the hallway, and I could see Pete Doherty... playing the bongos naked..." – Jameela Jamil [14:03]
• "Planet Organic is the perfect crime. Buggy, tired mum, kid." – Olivia Lee [22:42]
• "You either let me nick stuff or I have to go back to fucking strangers, right?" – Olivia Lee [25:08]
• "I'm sort of desensitized to those extreme emotions. Probably to my detriment, though, because I'm just like, doesn't everyone feel like that all the time?" – Olivia Lee [41:19]
• "I went from being in labor to then giving birth 40 minutes later." – Olivia Lee [42:19]
• "I didn't shit myself, babe... They're resuscitating our son. Like, I can't quite—" – Olivia Lee [47:16]
• "The smells that are coming out of you are so bad and so violent that I'm afraid you've shit yourself." – Jameela Jamil [49:47]

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• [01:28] Start of show; introduction of guests.
• [03:40] Discussion on humiliation/disaster as identity.
• [06:14] Jameela’s flying lamp story.
• [10:13] Carriad’s 50-hour improv/“married to David Bowie” episode.
• [14:03] Jameela’s hallucinations and the real Pete Doherty story.
• [17:18] Olivia’s melatonin/amnesia “did I drop the kids off?” story.
• [20:44] Olivia confesses micro-shoplifting.
• [22:42] Compulsive shoplifting confessions; buggy as perfect heist tool.
• [32:25] Comedy “wrong turns”: Characters that go off the rails.
• [36:21] Olivia’s traumatizing prank on nervous flat applicant.
• [42:19] Olivia’s “wrong turn” childbirth story.
• [49:47] Listener/friend’s story: The bhaji bowl camping incident.

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Final Notes

The episode is a fast-paced, honest, and consistently hilarious showcase of high-octane oversharing, comic mishap, and the blurred boundary between reality and performance in the lives of three creative women. There is genuine warmth and camaraderie in their mutual celebration of chaos—no attempts at sugar-coating, just solidarity in shared absurdity.

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Where to Find Everyone

• Cariad Lloyd:
  • Instagram: @caradlloyd
  • Children’s book: "Lydia Marmalade and the Christmas Wish"
  • Ostentatious Jane Austen Improv: ostentatiousimpro.com
• Olivia Lee:
  • Instagram: @OliviaLee7
  • Scriptwriting projects in the works

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For listener wrong turn stories:
Send voice memos to: [e-mail]

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“Wrong Turns: where dignity goes to die, but good stories are born.”

Transcript

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[Jameela Jamil]

Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns, the show where dignity goes to die, where we tell tales of horror and misery and woe and humiliation, and we decide to not shove a silver lining up your ass about it.

[Carriad Lloyd]

All right?

[Jameela Jamil]

We're just here to marinade in the shame together as one. It's bonding. This is a bonding show that makes other people feel better about their lives every week because they're not us. Okay? That's why we're here. And I'm always joined by my favorite funny people. And this week I have a writer, comedian, and actress. She's a fellow T4 alum. Channel 4 alum. Rather, T4 alum.

[Olivia Lee]

I did see 4.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, you did do T4 way back then. Way before you. Oh, sure, yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

I paved the way.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, you walked so I could crawl. She performed on Balls of Steel. What a star turn. That was Naughty Bits. And the Tonight shirt is Olivia Lee.

[Olivia Lee]

Thank you.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm also thrilled to welcome a writer, actress, podcaster and comedian who's a member of the improv group Ostentatious. She is the creator and host of the award winning podcast Griefcast. And her latest children book is Where Did She Go? A heartfelt story to to help children understand loss. It's Carriad Lloyd. Is that how I pronounce your name.

[Carriad Lloyd]

It's exactly as it's spelled. Great carrier, Lloyd.

[Olivia Lee]

Love that.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Nice and easy.

[Jameela Jamil]

So great. As soon as I saw it, I was like, that was far too easy.

[Carriad Lloyd]

No, people panic because it's Welsh. And they're like, are they expecting creed? But it's not. It's Carryadloid.

[Jameela Jamil]

My mum wrote my change the spelling of my name, said it would be phonetic for white people. And yet they still call me Jamila, which is insane.

[Carriad Lloyd]

So what was it supposed to be?

[Jameela Jamil]

Supposed to be J M. J A M I L I L A. And she was worried people call me Jamila, so she changed it to Jameela, but it hasn't made a blind bit of fucking difference. And then the fucking singer Jameelia came along and totally fucked my name.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Made everybody panic.

[Jameela Jamil]

And now every time she gets into trouble for saying controversial shit, I get all of her hate mail and then I have to redirect it to the other one. I'm like, sorry, you meant to send this to Amelia?

[Olivia Lee]

All the things you told me about your mum. That's the thing she was worried about. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And she picked that one. So given that this show is about humiliation and disaster, is that something that follows you both around? Olivia?

[Olivia Lee]

Yes, But I sort of use that, like, anytime something really bad happens to me, I'm really happy about it.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've been prone to.

[Olivia Lee]

I'm very accident barren, very clumsy and I have ADHD and I. Which I've only sort of recently realized.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Who doesn't?

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

We all have to ask, where are the neurotypical?

[Carriad Lloyd]

I know I have working in the city. They don't work in our business.

[Jameela Jamil]

No one normal works in the city. Are you joking?

[Olivia Lee]

That's true.

[Carriad Lloyd]

My don't work in what we do. That's what I think.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I think ADHD neurodiversity attracts this business. I don't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think neurotypicals are the new lepers and I think they should just be on a colony somewhere. Like, I don't think they're real. I don't think there's enough of them. I think we're going to get to

[Olivia Lee]

a stage where there'll be very few neurotypical people because we're all slightly neurodiverse.

[Carriad Lloyd]

But neurotypical is assumed to be neuro, like normal. It doesn't mean normal. It just means there's more of them than us. They do mask.

[Olivia Lee]

I think we're all. Everyone is on the spectrum.

[Jameela Jamil]

All women are masking. We've literally been told to smile when we don't want to smile. Our whole lives, we're all masking amazing

[Carriad Lloyd]

female ADHD conversation already happening now.

[Jameela Jamil]

Speaking over each other.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I'm so happy. I'm like, great. I don't have to.

[Olivia Lee]

Is he over sharing with the adhd? I don't have any boundary between, like, I've only just met this person, and this is my close friend, everyone. I treat everyone the same.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

So I tell everyone it's not because

[Olivia Lee]

everyone knows my shit.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I love it.

[Olivia Lee]

And if I'm going through something, then everyone knows about it. Taxi drivers, like, wherever. Like, people I'm sat next to in the park on a bench.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sharing is caring, bae.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah, But I think sometimes that's not been a good thing.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah, it can be tricky, and I

[Olivia Lee]

think because you can lose some level of respect when you're like, just, everything's out there and everyone knows everything. Knows everything about. All the mums know everything about my relationship, when I last had sex, when I last gave my husband a blowjob. And I'm like, can you start telling me some, please?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

What is it all.

[Carriad Lloyd]

They don't. They don't. That's the trouble. They don't say stuff and you think, oh, we're just really sharing. Then you go home and you think, they didn't say anything about blowjobs. So I said everything.

[Olivia Lee]

I just had a great monologue.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah, that was a great. Are you the same?

[Carriad Lloyd]

I am a bit of an oversharer, but it's more like I don't understand that people don't want the honesty. Yes, that's the problem. So if they say, how are you? I'm honest about.

[Olivia Lee]

You don't know how to lie.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I don't know how to lie.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, your work, your body of work is very honest.

[Carriad Lloyd]

It's very honest. I monetize being incredibly honest. We all have.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I have a podcast, literally, about all the most embarrassing things that have ever happened to me. When I was little, I remember having the feeling of it can't. Life can't be this difficult for everyone. I'm sure I'm being single. You weren't. I was looking around.

[Olivia Lee]

No, I know, but it's.

[Jameela Jamil]

All of that aside, like, a truly disaster finds me, like, to a point where, just to be. Just to be clear, I was walking down the street of my, like, where my house was, and a lamp fell out of the sky and split my head open. Right. And so what had happened was, which we learned later, is that a couple had been arguing and she threw A lamp at him and it. He ducked and it went out of the open window and just hit me.

[Olivia Lee]

Was this recently?

[Carriad Lloyd]

No.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was like. You're like, is that what happened?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I'm like, oh, my God. Is there something else she should be telling me?

[Jameela Jamil]

What, her years tonight?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Not that. As well as anything else.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was 19. And it looked like. Because the amount of blood flow to your head. So it looked like I thought I was dying because it was like the talented Mr. Ripley where half your face is just suddenly covered in blood. But turned out to be like quite an embarrassingly small cut in terms of

[Olivia Lee]

if there's a lamp flying anywhere.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

It's going to hit you.

[Jameela Jamil]

So it's not to do with my neurodivergence. It's. I'm cursed.

[Olivia Lee]

I feel like something happens to you every week. Do you think something.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

There's just like a final destination.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is the final destination. Yeah. 100 outrunning. I'm out running.

[Olivia Lee]

And you're using it to your advantage because you've used. Turned it into this.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm gonna squeeze every last penny out of this nightmare before I finally die.

[Carriad Lloyd]

You and the cursed person need each other. Like, they need you to keep surviving so they can keep tracking you. And then you need them to keep throwing things at you so you have

[Jameela Jamil]

stuff to talk about.

[Olivia Lee]

Let's really think about this.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't know. There was a really weird little boy at my primary school who still changes my Wikipedia every day. I think it's him.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

It's him.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's definitely him.

[Olivia Lee]

You need to get him on.

[Jameela Jamil]

So give me an example of like a micro humiliation that you would have faced.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Oh, I'm not very disaster prone. I'm the opposite. I've gone the opposite. That I am like hyper vigilant anxiety person.

[Olivia Lee]

Sure. So that I. Super cautious.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Like, like. But I'm just. My voice went. I'm prepared for the lap. Like, I'm looking up. Like, maybe a lamp would fall down. So, like, I've gone like that way of like nothing getting past me. But I'm constantly stressed.

[Olivia Lee]

Hyper vigilant.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Hyper vigilant.

[Olivia Lee]

That must be exhausting. It's exhausting. Are you all right? Do you need a nap?

[Carriad Lloyd]

No, don't. Because I was just literally about to

[Jameela Jamil]

tell you the truth.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Did you see? I was like, I'm. Well, actually there's a lot of shit at the mom with my. No.

[Olivia Lee]

What my therapist says is that.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah, it's not like I wouldn't get hit by a lamp, but I Get in situations where I'm not good at clinging on to reality. So that's more what happened. Like I get so I commit so hard to things that then embarrassing things happen because I have not been able to hold on to what's real and what's not real. So I do a lot of improvising. You said I'm in this group Ostentatious, we do improvise. Jane Austen. But I've been doing improv for like over 20 years. And when I first started, I don't remember the amazing sort of mad theater entrepreneur person called Ken Campbell. Yeah. So I still work with Ken, who is such a character. You can't, I can't describe Ken. He was mad and a genius. And he basically came to us and was like, oh, I went to Canada and they, they do this improv for 53 hours. They do a like from Friday night and then they finish on Sunday night.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah.

[Carriad Lloyd]

So we in London were like, we were gonna do a 50 hour show. So we did 50 hours non stop

[Olivia Lee]

improvising without a break.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Without. Well, you have like, it's like watching DVD Boxer is how we sell it. So like each episode is like an hour and a bit. Then we have like a 20 minute break to like brush teeth or eat something or like stare into the abyss. And Ken told us if you do it long enough, you hit lizard brain and you hit pure improv because you're no longer censoring yourself. As if I needed more censoring. And then. And I did it. And then the Canadians who had like basically this group called Dynasty who'd set it up came over and they were like, huh? We don't normally do the whole thing. We take it in turns. It's like a charity event. We were like, oh. But we. Then people started doing it as like a high basically. So I went to Canada, I did 53 hours nonstop.

[Olivia Lee]

And did you get Lizard Brain?

[Carriad Lloyd]

Well, someone was playing David Bowie. Someone came on as not just David Bowie, Labyrinth. David Bowie, Canadian improviser. I was very clear that I would like to be in scenes with this person.

[Olivia Lee]

By that point you thought it was David Bowie.

[Carriad Lloyd]

So we can. We started doing scenes together with like, you know, audience are watching. Hahaha. Hour 25 of being with this person, I thought he was David Bowie and I thought that I was married to him. And I was sat at the side of the stage thinking, Iman is a good woman and I have broken up a marriage. Like. And I was thinking, how will the press. The press are gonna need to Speak to me. And I have a boyfriend at home. Like. But he's gonna be okay with this because he's gonna understand. It's David Bowie. Like, this is fine.

[Olivia Lee]

He looked like David Bowie.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I mean, if I showed you a picture.

[Jameela Jamil]

You didn't.

[Carriad Lloyd]

He had a wig on.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's it.

[Carriad Lloyd]

He had, like, a wig and gray. Gray leggings. Obviously, the gray leggings.

[Jameela Jamil]

How old was this?

[Carriad Lloyd]

I mean, it must have been probably hour 27 or something.

[Jameela Jamil]

You've been awake a day. Yeah. You've been awake a day and you're already losing a day.

[Olivia Lee]

But what do you do with that, then? How did that play out, then?

[Carriad Lloyd]

So the director kind of got wind that some of us were losing our minds. The Friday night. You're fine. Obviously, Saturday night is when you lose it. And he made people stand on stage and they had to step forward and say what they really thought was true. I stepped forward and was like, I think I'm married to David Bowie.

[Olivia Lee]

That's method.

[Jameela Jamil]

You take your work beyond method. You've left the plane of reality.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I felt a click in my head, Honestly, I felt like my brain went. And then afterwards, when I'd see. We stayed in Camden for a bit. It was like bumping into an ex. It was like, oh, hi.

[Jameela Jamil]

After the divorce.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah, it was really like.

[Jameela Jamil]

Have you been a bit sheepish around Iman since?

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah, it's difficult. And then obviously I. You know, when it. When David passed away, I sent her a message. You know, we were both married to him.

[Jameela Jamil]

We both.

[Carriad Lloyd]

We're the only people, Angie, who get it.

[Olivia Lee]

How long did it take you to calm down from that? Was it like, weeks?

[Jameela Jamil]

Any day now?

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolute weeks. Like, it's frightening. There's a group of us who've done a lot of it and it's. You lose your depth perception. We've had memory loss from doing it. Like, I don't do it anymore.

[Olivia Lee]

It's like a torture device.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Like, now most of us do shifts and then. I've had kids. Why would you stay up for 50 hours by choice? I thought.

[Jameela Jamil]

You've been awake longer than that. For fuck's sake.

[Carriad Lloyd]

These aren't my children.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Someone needs to take them back.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I can't get my tit into the mouth. Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

I mean, that's your real father.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

So, yeah.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I am not very good at holding on to reality. I think that's more my. That's how disasters happened to me because I struggle to stay.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, I mean, that's fascinating. It's also Very. Fair enough. I gave up caffeine once, like, cold turkey when I was 24, because I was drinking eight pints of Nescafe Gold a day, which is.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I had no idea.

[Jameela Jamil]

She was really insane with anything.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Is she okay?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, it was really insane. And I'd been like. I'd been like paparazzi eating a packet of Kettle Chips. So then Kettle Chips saw that and sent me a box of 60 packets of kettle Chips. So I was just living on Kettle Chips and eight pints of caffeine, no water a day. And I was this.

[Olivia Lee]

When you were doing T4?

[Jameela Jamil]

It was when I was doing T4, and it was because I was living with it. I was living with a crackhead, right, who was partying every night in the room next to mine. And there was just nothing I could do. There's no. There's no tenancy rules that could get him out of there. So I wasn't getting any sleep. So I became addicted to caffeine and then just more and more and more addicted to. And then only eating Kettle Chips, and that's Cafe Gold. And then ended up getting hospitalized with adrenal failure and, like, malnutrition, obviously. So they were like, you need to stop drinking caffeine. But when they said that, they didn't mean stop overnight. They meant you need to start cutting out caffeine. I was 24. I thought I was invincible. So I was, like, maybe 23. And I was like, fuck it. So I just stopped overnight. And I went into four days of being awake.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jameela Jamil]

And the most horrific headache and hallucinations, and I couldn't tell where I was, and I didn't recognize my apartment. And then I opened the door of my bedroom, and I looked down the hallway, and I could see Pete Doherty from the Libertines, like, playing the bongos naked in the hallway. And I was like, this is worse than I thought. Well, so then, like, I came out of the haze within about four or five days, like, the worst. Sweating the worst. I'll never do that again. I would never even go down from one espresso to nothing ever again. I do drink a little bit of coffee now, but it's made me caffeine sensitive for the rest of my life. So I go down to the kitchen. It's the first I've left my room, and I'm, like, talking to my flatmates. I look like Osama bin Laden. Like, I'm absolutely f. Like, at the end.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Not when he was young, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no, at the end. But at the end. And so it's a. It's chaos. And I'm telling everyone about the fact that, you know, like, it reached a high when I saw Pete Doherty playing the bongos, like, in the hallway. And then as I say that, Pete Doherty walks through the hallway, past the kitchen. And I was like, it's still happening. Obvious. My crackhead flatmate is like, no, that's Pete. He got a bit wild the other night. So I thought I'd hallucinated, but I hadn't. I'd just seen Pete Doherty. So you couldn't. You didn't have to stand on yourself. That's what my house was like, though, all the fucking time. So I get it. I get it. You get it.

[Carriad Lloyd]

But that really did happen to you. So I feel like that's.

[Jameela Jamil]

So that's. But that disturbs your plane of reality even more, where you're like, actually what is real and what isn't.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Imagine if you actually were married to David Bowie. It's that.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I wish it was true.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, me too.

[Carriad Lloyd]

If he dug it, I see. You might want to wipe that out as a hallucination.

[Jameela Jamil]

I can't listen to Don't Look Back into the sun anymore, Olivia.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Go back in the day.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I've got so many.

[Olivia Lee]

I mean, this reminds me of a story where I sort of temporarily lost my mind. So, basically, I. After I had my second child, I hit perimenopause, right? And he started sleeping and I didn't. So I was like, oh, my God, the baby's finally sleeping. And I'm not. I'm just awake all night and I was losing my mind. And my neighbor goes to LA a lot. She's very lovely, swanky actress. And she was like, I've got this really strong melatonin. Like, try this. And I was like, sure, yeah. At this point, I'll take anything. I'd never taken it before. My husband. My husband was away, and it's just like this droplet thing. And I was like, okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

I thought, it's herbal.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Really?

[Olivia Lee]

How bad can it be?

[Carriad Lloyd]

So, like, those herbal drugs,

[Olivia Lee]

she's like, just do one job.

[Jameela Jamil]

Melatonin, right? Yeah, yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

But she's like, oh, I do a drop. It doesn't work for me. So I did a draw, and I'm lying there and I'm like, no, it's not working. Another one, another one. And then the baby did wake up, and I'm like, oh, I just want to go to sleep. Like, I must have about 20 drops. And then I passed out. And then I sort of like woke up. I think my eldest was like five at the end of the bed and I was just like, I was, I literally felt like I was in a haze. My eye, my vision was blurry and I was like, oh, am I dreaming? It's like in a pool of saliva next to me. And I was like, what time is it? And I was like, the kids are awake and I'm not. And then I had to rush to take my eldest to school and then take my youngest, a child minder, but I was so in automatic pilot.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh my God.

[Carriad Lloyd]

And you have to drive and no

[Olivia Lee]

walking because it's all walking and there's Lucky, the school's at the end of the road and I, I don't, I don't actually to this day remember getting, getting them there. I dropped my kid off at school and then I dropped my, the nursery was a short walk and then I went and stood in the high street after and I was like, where are the kids? Did I drop them off? And also because I've got adhd, I can often be so thinking about something

[Carriad Lloyd]

else, but my do not remember what you've done.

[Olivia Lee]

My four year old nearly ran out in the street the other day because I was thinking about a note I got on a script and I was so absorbed by it and I'm just, I like lose time. And I was like, did I drop them at school? Where are they? Did I leave the house?

[Carriad Lloyd]

What was they wearing boots?

[Olivia Lee]

It was the scariest moment of my life. So I was like, I don't remember. Where am I? I think, I think I've dropped my kids off. And then I saw one of the mums from school and she was like, hi, hi.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

And I was like, did you see me this morning? Did I drop Teddy at school? And she went, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was like, oh, that's great, Cool, cool.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Just check in.

[Olivia Lee]

And Lucky, I work in comedy. I think they would just think I'm like, oh, she's being funny.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, just another kid.

[Olivia Lee]

And then I was like, well, that's that kid taking care of. What about the baby? And then I sewn it, I was like, off my face and my brain just wasn't working. And I was like, I think I'll email the nursery and say morning. I was just checking.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Did I drop Ernie off today? Did I drop him off casual? And I was sort of like typing

[Olivia Lee]

it and then I was like, I'm not sure this is a good idea. And then my friend phoned me and I was like, I'm having this really weird thing where I literally just, like, don't remember. Like, I think I've like, I know I've taken Teddy. I'm pretty sure I've taken Ernie. And she was like, we'll just go

[Carriad Lloyd]

home and check he's not at home.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I was like, that's a great idea.

[Jameela Jamil]

Before the authorities get involved.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Just check he's not at your house.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

And I'm like, I could just like,

[Olivia Lee]

email the phone the nursery. Did I drop him?

[Jameela Jamil]

A bit of a weird tickly cough this morning. How is he?

[Carriad Lloyd]

Well, I was thinking you needed a story to invent.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Rather than a bit of a dicky belly. Is he eating today?

[Carriad Lloyd]

Did I give. Drop him with his.

[Olivia Lee]

Oh, like, just drop him.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah. Is he wearing his blue shorts?

[Olivia Lee]

Oh, just.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Exactly.

[Olivia Lee]

Just take a jumper and be like, it was cold. But I was. I didn't even realize that emailing the nursery and saying, have I dropped him off would be a bad thing. And then my friend on the phone was like, you can't do that. And I was like, why? I can't be asked to walk back.

[Jameela Jamil]

I mean, you're lucky melatonin works for you. It has the reverse effect.

[Olivia Lee]

I haven't taken it since.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, but it has. It makes me really awake. I have some sort of adrenaline thing that means that everything has the reverse effect.

[Olivia Lee]

So anesthetic.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wake up on anesthetic. Have to take.

[Olivia Lee]

How do they operate on you?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

What do they give you?

[Jameela Jamil]

They give me enough to kill a horse. Yeah. I woke up during my breast reduction. It was the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Ever. Yeah. So I'm glad that you feel the pain. I don't think I felt the pain. I wasn't awake long enough. I just screamed and then they put me back under. It was the worst thing I've ever seen. It's amazing. I'm still a meat eater after that. Anyway, moving on.

[Olivia Lee]

I wasn't gonna tell that story, but.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, that.

[Olivia Lee]

So I've never taken it.

[Jameela Jamil]

And on that note, we're going to a break.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Oh, no, my coffee.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Brawny here. New brawny.

[Olivia Lee]

3 ply is now more absorbent. Wow. Got a clean shirt.

[Acast Announcer]

Do you wear plaid, Ronnie?

[Jameela Jamil]

Some of the strongest. And we are back. Tell me the shoplifting story.

[Olivia Lee]

Oh, the shoplifting story. So I've sort of developed a little bit of shoplifting habits since having kids. Have you? Yeah, but tiny microaggressions. But you know what I did?

[Jameela Jamil]

You shoplifted a.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Stealing.

[Olivia Lee]

I shoplifted teenager. I got caught stealing my mum's Mother's Day card and my mum's Mother's Day present. And then she had to come. Boots phoned her and they were like, this card in this present.

[Jameela Jamil]

And was she, like, a bit touched as well as quite angry?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

No, she was like, you've got money, she's got money.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Oh, classic.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah. So I never. I was. I was petrified after that.

[Carriad Lloyd]

But now you're dabbling again.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Well, there's a place near.

[Olivia Lee]

I live for Planet Organic. And it's, like, so expensive.

[Carriad Lloyd]

It's so expensive.

[Olivia Lee]

And that's where I get my coffee from. And they've got all the streets out there and everything. So it just started off that I'd, like, be in the queue for coffee. I'd be knackered with the pram. And I'm like, I'll just eat a protein bar while I'm here. And then I was like, actually, you can get away with whatever you want in here. Then I'd be like, I'll just eat a sandwich while I'm in the queue.

[Jameela Jamil]

And then I realized.

[Olivia Lee]

Then I once put something on top of the buggy. I was like, look it. And then my phone rang. I think it was like a sourdough bread, but bread in there. It like. Sourdough bread is like 12 quid or something.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

And actually, I can't think they're gonna

[Carriad Lloyd]

put a picture of you up. And Planet Organic.

[Olivia Lee]

Do not let the security guards. Now I'm. I got them on side. I'm still at it. They got no idea.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is our first shoplifting story on the podcast.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Normally people would be like, oh, when I was younger.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

No.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Like, yeah, last week.

[Jameela Jamil]

No. Yeah, last week on my way here.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

No. But when I realized you could put.

[Olivia Lee]

The buggy is the biggest weapon of mass destruction ever.

[Jameela Jamil]

Right.

[Olivia Lee]

High goods on the top and on the bottom. And I very recently wheeled my son out of Sainsbury's carrying a bottle of Prosecco.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is unbelievable. Hold this, mate. What is going on?

[Olivia Lee]

It's a compulsion.

[Carriad Lloyd]

A white woman with a nice buggy.

[Jameela Jamil]

Anyway, that. Yeah, that. That was the.

[Olivia Lee]

But it's dopamine. It's like, my life is not exciting. I used to travel a lot for work. I used to film. I used to be on set. I'm a writer now, so my job is dropping the kids off, sitting in my pajamas, staring at my screen. So I think the reason I've started shoplifting is a. The buggy is the perfect crime. Right. Buggy tired. Mum. Kid. Totally perfect crime, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a victimless crime as well, especially in muzzle. Sorry.

[Carriad Lloyd]

And.

[Olivia Lee]

And looking for dopamine. But I sort of my. So I was. This was my own sort of, like, little secret. And my other half and I, like, we're too knackered to go out at night anymore. And, like, we don't even do date nights. And like. And when we do, we call it a ceasefire. It's sort of gotten that bad in our house, like, ceasefire tonight.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Ceasefire.

[Olivia Lee]

So he was like, look, we're too knackered to go out at night. Let's have a date day. And I was like, all right, let's. Let's have a date day.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Let's.

[Olivia Lee]

Let's do that. Let's have a date. What should we do? And he was like, let's go for a smoothie. And I was like, all right, let's crack on, let's try. And he didn't know about any of this sort of this little pilfering that had been going on, Getting the smoothie, protein ball.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

And I'm just like, in my pocket

[Olivia Lee]

there's always protein. I don't even need. I don't even knight this stuff.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm just like, it's the most middle class shit I've ever heard in my entire life.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Planet Organic is your, like, stealing.

[Jameela Jamil]

Stealing protein in Muswell Hill at Planet Organic is the most middle classing I've ever heard in my life.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I used to be cool.

[Jameela Jamil]

What did he say when he was old?

[Olivia Lee]

He was like, babe, what are you doing? And I was like, oh, God, you're with me. You just saw that? Did you just put that protein ball in your pocket? I was like, yeah, I did, I did, mate, we'll earn more of it to. Shut up. Don't get. Don't want anyone to hear. Don't get me in trouble. And he was like, why are you doing that? And I was like, trying to think of, like, a reason. I was like, well, you know, I don't get any dopamine anymore.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Adhd.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

No excuse.

[Carriad Lloyd]

The truth is, this is a. I'm doing a magic justify this.

[Olivia Lee]

I've got to explain. I was like, you know, and I don't. I don't go out that much. And before I met you, I had a really exciting life before kids and I used to have a lot of casual sex. We don't have that much sex. When he's like, what? And I was like, listen, mate, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

I was like, by the way, I

[Carriad Lloyd]

love that you've been like, can you

[Jameela Jamil]

keep it down about the protein ball? And now you're letting the entire queue know that he's not shagging you and you're not having any excitement in your life. This is unbelievable.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

No, but then I said to him, listen.

[Olivia Lee]

And he was getting really angry with me and I was like, I'm not putting it back. That's where this is going. I'm not putting it back. And I was like, listen, right, you either let me nick stuff or I have to go back to fucking strangers, right?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

And you don't want that, so you fucking drink your smoothie and let me crack on.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Do you want to be. Do you want to be happily married

[Unidentified Female Guest]

and you know, or do you want

[Carriad Lloyd]

me to have some protein balls when

[Jameela Jamil]

I feel like it?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

He got. He laughed and he was laughing and

[Olivia Lee]

we were laughing and I was like,

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I'm trying to sort of just explain. And he was like, I think I sort of get it. And he was like, but you have

[Olivia Lee]

to stop doing that. And then we finally had sex. I know. And you ripped my knickers off. And it was thrilling, ladies, because I've nicked them from M s. Yeah.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

So

[Carriad Lloyd]

every time I'm like, I'm going

[Olivia Lee]

out the shops, Nan's like, don't. I'm like, I won't. Don't worry about it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Not today. Watch those fingers.

[Olivia Lee]

Not today.

[Carriad Lloyd]

No.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I've had to slow down.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

Winona, I have had no idea you

[Unidentified Female Guest]

were in the building.

[Jameela Jamil]

Let's go. You come see me.

[Olivia Lee]

I'm the girl. Come see me.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I like that it's only Planet Organic, though, because I feel like my only

[Jameela Jamil]

Planet Organic has such plethora of choices.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I might send you to a few other shops. I'll be like, there's a nice little boutique over the cross.

[Olivia Lee]

Oh, yeah, I'll walk. I'd definitely get caught.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah, you would get caught there, but, God, let's see. Come on, let's get some trainers. When I was a teenager, my friend got obsessed with shoplifting and she used to go into Lacenza. Do you remember Lanza? She used to go in. And again, it was all about Zone me. She didn't need these. And she would take 25 bras into the changing room, she would put 20 on and then her boobs would be up to her chin, and then she would just hand back five and go, yeah, they didn't fit. And walk out, maybe.

[Olivia Lee]

What, for a time was that before the tags, though?

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah. This is like. This must Be before tags.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's why they invented tags, because of my friend.

[Carriad Lloyd]

And then you'd never know. You'd be with her. And she used to do this in Body Shop. She just used to get the same gift sets. Just put them in her coat like that and have, like this, like three or four.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

But you like that.

[Olivia Lee]

I would scare me.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I know I was that, like, I

[Olivia Lee]

can do a protein ball. I'm doing something.

[Jameela Jamil]

Scared to steal anything because my mum wouldn't tell you.

[Carriad Lloyd]

So you'd be shopping with her and then you'd go, oh, if you. And she's like, go, go, go, go, go, go.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Yeah.

[Carriad Lloyd]

And then she'd get home and lay the hall, like, I hope she'd give

[Olivia Lee]

you something at least.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Sometimes you might get a bit body shot, but the bras fit her, not me.

[Olivia Lee]

Do you know where I think I got it from? My nan. My nan, when I was about 7, she had one of those trolleys.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

And what I didn't realize, we were in Waitrose. She was rinsing them, right. Putting everything in the trolley. She got caught and she blamed me. So I'm like.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I figure I just remember her from

[Olivia Lee]

nowhere going, olivia, I can't take her anywhere.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

You've got to stop doing that.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God. That is literally where it comes from.

[Olivia Lee]

That's where it comes from. It is only since having kids, but I. But I genuinely think the justification is my life is so. It used to be exciting and I

[Carriad Lloyd]

used to get a lot happening, probably

[Jameela Jamil]

with Winona Rider, like, loads of famous people still. I only stole once when I was 4 years old because I really, like. I've always just been addicted to sugar. And I really wanted those big crocodiles that have, like, the marshmallow underneath. So it's like. It's gummy on top. Marshmallow. The massive ones. And I lived in Marbella at the time. Like, I grew up in Spain, so we used to have them all the time. And they'd be in these big open, sweet buckets and you could get a pick and mix. And I. My mum wouldn't let me have them because I was just, like, just obsessed. I wouldn't eat any, like, protein or vegetables. I just wanted sugar. So she was like, no, you can't have it. So then when she was talking to the shopkeeper, I grabbed one and then just shoved the whole thing in my mouth. I didn't have any pockets and, like, little baby clothes, right? So I just shoved the whole thing in my mouth because I couldn't see it. I thought no one else can see me.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah.

[Carriad Lloyd]

You know, so.

[Jameela Jamil]

But I'm standing there, clearly, with something fully straight away. I have big cheeks, but not that big. So she looks at me and she's like, what did you do? And I can't answer because my mouth is full of marshmallow crocodile. So she slapped my face and the crocodile went flying out across the road. It was. It was fine. It was a different time. But either way, you could use marshmallows.

[Carriad Lloyd]

You could.

[Jameela Jamil]

To face. And I never. Yeah, I never stole anything ever again after that. But now I cannot walk past a crocodile marshmallow without buying it.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I cannot.

[Jameela Jamil]

Because now I can. Now. Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

So it's like.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's like an OCD thing. It's like, now I have to buy

[Olivia Lee]

it if I still like them as much.

[Jameela Jamil]

100%. Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

You don't just put it in your favorite thing.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Spit it out.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no, no, no, no, no. But the image of it in slow motion flying out of my mouth across the street has just like, anytime I even would consider stealing something because the line's long or something, like, whatever. I'm just like, I can see that crocodile flying. And I'm like, no, no, don't do it.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I was too stressed because of my friend.

[Olivia Lee]

And. Yes, you never actually stole anything.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Nail varnish, Selfridge. Nail varnish. Up the sleeve.

[Olivia Lee]

Oh, yeah, up the sleeve.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Because she kind of was like, you have to start doing it. So I did a little bit to keep. Are you still friendly with her? I'm not.

[Olivia Lee]

Is she in prison now? Where is she now? She's got eight.

[Jameela Jamil]

She's you.

[Olivia Lee]

Don't you be judging.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Hi.

[Jameela Jamil]

I miss pros, actually.

[Olivia Lee]

Were we friends back in the day?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Yeah, she.

[Carriad Lloyd]

With those bras.

[Jameela Jamil]

On that note, we're going to a

[Olivia Lee]

break

[Jameela Jamil]

and we're back. All right, it's time for your big wrong turns. Carrie Ad.

[Carriad Lloyd]

You go first again. It's all about losing reality for me and it's gigging. So I used to do character comedy and I used to do Edinburgh shows. And, you know, if you've done Edinburgh, it's a very stressful time. You're dealing with a lot of shit. And I think this is Edinburgh Comedy Fringe. Yes. Sorry, the Edinburgh Comedy Festival. It's like a month long festival. It shouldn't be that long. It's insane that it's that long and it costs so much money and you're just, you know, sort of like being

[Jameela Jamil]

hazed as to how much do you want it.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah, it's like, how Much.

[Jameela Jamil]

Spend a little money, do it.

[Olivia Lee]

That kids can afford it.

[Carriad Lloyd]

They can't really. That's the thing. It doesn't exist in the same way because it's just. Well, that's why they do it online.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Yeah.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Cheap and free. So I was doing a character comedy show and I did weird characters, but I didn't know they were weird. This is the thing you learn, right? You're like, I didn't know I was weird. I thought, everyone knows these things. And I had two characters that were contentious. I suppose I had two incidents. So if it makes you feel any

[Jameela Jamil]

better, I auditioned for T4 as a character called Billy the Abortionist, who is Australian.

[Olivia Lee]

So did they ask?

[Jameela Jamil]

That's the first time I've ever said that out loud.

[Olivia Lee]

Did you just turn up?

[Jameela Jamil]

They said, just do something a bit different. And that's what I thought I would do.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I would have loved your.

[Jameela Jamil]

So I would say no.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I would have been like, just so

[Jameela Jamil]

you know, Billy the Abortionist was what got me T4.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Can we hear the accent?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no, that's all we were getting.

[Olivia Lee]

Did you dress up?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, I just broke into Billy the Abortionist out of nowhere.

[Olivia Lee]

Southern.

[Jameela Jamil]

He was from Australia.

[Olivia Lee]

He's from Australia.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, he's from Australia. It's very strange. So I feel you. That's all. That's all I wanted to say.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Okay. We would have been friends on the circuit. That's good to know.

[Olivia Lee]

Brilliant.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I. Yeah, I did a character that was called Sanitary Bag Lady.

[Jameela Jamil]

Lovely.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Do you remember the sanitary bags? You see the paper bags? And there was a black and white lady going like this on one of the bags. So I had a character, I had a black dress and I cut out white cardboard so I looked like the

[Jameela Jamil]

top of the bag.

[Carriad Lloyd]

And I put my head through it, strapped it to my body, and I put red lipstick all over my face. And I used to be like. And the sanitary bag lady. Someone bleeding. She was, like, looking for a period because she wanted a tampon. Sandit Bag lady. She was so. She was such a fine lady. And you didn't go sniffing people's asses in the audience? No, I used to say I was sniffing for a period. And then the high point of the act was when I would find a man and I would just scream into his face. We blame.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

We play.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Because I find the most uncomfortable man when I was talking about periods. But then he got quite offended and it sort of turned into like. He stood up to fight me and then his wife was really offended because she thought that I Sort of implied that I could smell her period. And he stood up to fuck to like go for it. And again, that's when I was like, oh, he thinks this is, he thinks he's being attacked by a woman who eats periods. Like he can't see you carry out.

[Jameela Jamil]

So he disassociated as well.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah, he lost himself.

[Carriad Lloyd]

And that was a charity gig for domestic violence.

[Olivia Lee]

As convincing as your acting is, that's a rule testament to the performance.

[Jameela Jamil]

Olivia was on a show called Balls of Steel where she had to. Her job was to go and offend people. Well, do you remember, Excuse me, I've got a present for you.

[Olivia Lee]

And then I.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do you remember this? And then you just like she'd stick her hand in her pocket and she's like pretty and going up to them so they were happy. And then she would just pull her middle finger out and then just do it in the face of whichever like old white Republican in America. Oh, don't be ashamed. It was hilarious.

[Olivia Lee]

Like back in the day, it was my first Teddy job. I would have done anything to be on Teddy. But listening to your story reminds me of something that happened that was very similar where I used to do my own character led prank show on Comedy Central. The living Olivia Lee does sexy funny that one was. And we created a character that was OCD flatmate. So we'd advertise this beautiful room for a flat in Notting Hill. We put a picture up. We'd always get the most gorgeous homes and it would be like dirt cheap. And then people would turn up and I'd show them the flat. The flat was rigged with cameras. Actually. It's quite a good idea. We got some great stuff. But on this particular day I was like, I'm really gonna go for it. And it was largely sort of improvised, but I'd have all these weird routines like I'm gonna ramp up the, like the locking doors and the weird sort of counting and everything. And so, so they, they, they would come in to view the room and then I'd be on my own with them and it was hidden camera. And then our, the production team would be on a van watching. I didn't tell them I was like really gonna go for it. Like we'd have an idea of like, okay, this is one where show them that you've collected urine in the fridge. Show them your, you know, open the fridge and be like, this is the fridge. And they'd be like, what's that? I'd be like, oh, it's my collection. Yes, that's my.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Yeah, that's.

[Olivia Lee]

That's Mondays, that's Tuesdays. Like, so little things like that. But this. I was like, all right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna go full on sort of psycho for this one. It was this really, like, sweet girl that came.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

She's like, oh, I'm here to be the room.

[Olivia Lee]

And I was like, come in. So I put, like, the plastic covering over my feet and I put my plastic thing on.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Open the door.

[Jameela Jamil]

Just like, oh, what's going on here?

[Olivia Lee]

It's like, oh, we're just sort of cleaning the place. Do you want to put these plastic coverings on your feet? She was like, oh, okay, then. And then I shut the door behind her and we put loads of locks on it. And it was the first time I tried this. I was like, I'm just gonna lock them all. And I was just like, just lock them all. And I turned and looked and I was like, the great thing about this flat is that once you're here, you never have to leave.

[Jameela Jamil]

You went full psycho. But.

[Olivia Lee]

But it was. She was getting scared. And then I was like, I've just got to do this lock. And I was like, what's your date of birth? She was like, oh, gave me the date. And I was like, right, 27, 38, 77. That's 4. That's 12. That's 19. That's 24, 24, 20. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. And she was like, watch me. She's like, I think I want to go now.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, you're not going.

[Olivia Lee]

I've got to show you around the flat. She's like, no, no, I really think I want to go now. And I was like, no, but you haven't seen the TV. I've got to show you how to work the TVs. And came in and we had, like, 50 remote controls all in plastic coverings. And I was like, this is how you work channel one. You press one once, but if it's a Wednesday, you press it four times. You go, 1, 1, 1, 1, one. She was like, no, I really. I really just want to go now. But in my sort of performance hair, I'm thinking, this is brilliant.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is great.

[Olivia Lee]

This is going really well, doing it really good.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm like, this is giving this woman cptsd.

[Carriad Lloyd]

She went to her therapy that week about you.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Like, no, but literally.

[Olivia Lee]

But I was just so, like, in the moment. Oh, this is great. Because the producers are always, like, with hidden camera. You want reactions. If someone doesn't give you a reaction, worse if they're laughing, then you know that's not going to be a great. Great. But she was actually, I want to go. I was like, you can't leave. And I was. And anyway, and then she started crying.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

She was like, I just want to go now. I'm, like, really scared.

[Olivia Lee]

And then I sort of came out of it, and I was like, oh, my God, I really scared her. And then I looked even more crazy.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

You're safe. But as you're being filmed for a hidden camera show, there's cameras everywhere. Just like, I just want to go, what are you talking about?

[Olivia Lee]

She didn't even believe me. This woman is mad. No.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, you're Ted Bundy. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Carriad Lloyd]

This is, like, even worse nightmare. That's the worst. If you're saying to someone, I'm a bit scared, and you cry, and then they go, don't worry, you're being filmed. That is the worst reaction.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was like, look at all the cameras.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I said, I've got my own show.

[Jameela Jamil]

Which she totally believes, I'm sure.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Like, I'm covered in plastic. And I'm like, I've got these plastic,

[Olivia Lee]

like, rubber gloves on.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I'm like, I've got my own shoe.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's fine.

[Olivia Lee]

Anyway, and then at that point, the producers came in. Well, I had to, like, unlock the door.

[Jameela Jamil]

And they were like, a load of men then come in, just in case it's not scary enough.

[Carriad Lloyd]

She's like, I'm dead. I have died.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah, Traumatized. And then I felt so bad, and obviously we couldn't use it. And then I realized, like, okay, there has to be, like, some boundaries here.

[Jameela Jamil]

100%.

[Olivia Lee]

If someone's scared, that's not the cue to go.

[Jameela Jamil]

She stabbed her for the bit.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah. Great reaction, though.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Great reaction.

[Olivia Lee]

But anyway, so that was sort of, like, frightening, like. And I thought, oh, God, she's come to Fiore flat. And she thought.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

She was like, I thought you were gonna kill me. I was like, no, I'm the only one dying. I'm dying out here. I'm dying on my ass.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I actually really pushed the character and I really. It's a shame you didn't go with it. Could have been really great.

[Jameela Jamil]

Did you get traumatized out of doing your characters?

[Carriad Lloyd]

Did I feel surprised? Yeah, a little bit.

[Jameela Jamil]

Doing it after people started taking it too seriously, actually.

[Carriad Lloyd]

The sanitary bag lady, which was like, one of my faves after the fight, I had to start toning it back because that was the whole fun was like, like this woman talking about periods and then, like, screaming at a man about it. And, like, most audiences took it as like, oh, this is really, like, edgy. Edgy, but funny. And, like. And it was so funny when I said I could smell periods because the woman, you could see who they would panic. It's like, fuck, she couldn't. Because that's such a panic with women. And I found that really interesting that they genuinely thought, I can't smell you from here. You're not a dachshund. Yeah, don't worry. It made me. Yeah. And then I used to, like, chuck out free tampons. And then that's how I met this amazing charity, Bloody Good Period, who give menstrual supplies to refugees in this country. So, like, all this good came from it. Good came from it. But that after the fight, I was like, oh, some men found it. It's so aggressive. But I didn't think it was weird and aggressive. I was this far away from his face screaming, we bleed. And I thought I could understand why

[Olivia Lee]

you'd be annoyed by some.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah, but the same as you. It's like, oh, my spectrum of weird is bigger than yours. So, like, what I think is intense.

[Jameela Jamil]

Totally.

[Carriad Lloyd]

You're like, this is like you've basically started.

[Jameela Jamil]

What do you even do about that? When you have a lack of sense, I guess, like a depth perception or a weird. Weird perception, what do you do with that? Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

If your tolerance to weird shit is way higher than normal people. Yeah.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Well, I'm best friends with Sarah Pascoe and I've watched her do stand up for, you know, so, so many years, and she's. I've seen her deal with so many situations so amazingly. And when that fight began, I literally thought, what would Sarah do? And I took the cardboard off and I said, my name's Carryard. I'm being a character. I'm really sorry I've upset you. And then, like, you just have to, like, defuse it. And I've seen her do that with like, I'm sorry I've upset you. Something I've said has upset you. But I'm a stand up and I'm just on stage with a microphone, so I'm not attacking you. But it felt like that, didn't it? And it like. Yeah. And in my head I was like, what would Sarah do?

[Olivia Lee]

So that's the mantra always now, what would Sarah do? I'm gonna use that. What would Sarah.

[Carriad Lloyd]

You have to pull because you are

[Jameela Jamil]

so Pay for the protein ball.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah, no,

[Olivia Lee]

pass them on.

[Carriad Lloyd]

She'd be so happy if you did that.

[Olivia Lee]

She's only around the corner.

[Carriad Lloyd]

She used to nick in her use.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a nightmare. But I really admire the ability to take it so far that you actually upset people.

[Olivia Lee]

I'm sort of desensitized to those extreme emotions. Probably to my detriment, though, because I'm just like, doesn't everyone feel like that all the time?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Aren't they swinging between fear and. I think we are.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think the normal people are the weird ones. Sorry. On that note, we're going to a break.

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[Jameela Jamil]

And we're back. Alright, Olivia, what's your big wrong turn?

[Olivia Lee]

Oh, well, I have a crazy childbirth story.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes, give it to us.

[Olivia Lee]

Where, like, I. So I always assume that a traumatic birth was one that took out like days, right. You know, and then they can't get the baby out. And then what happened to me, and what I didn't realize is also a traumatic birth is when it happens really super quickly.

[Carriad Lloyd]

You had the super sudden super.

[Olivia Lee]

I went from being in labor to then giving birth 40 minutes later.

[Carriad Lloyd]

They warned me about that. They gave me serious talk about it. It didn't happen to me, but they were like, you came out two.

[Jameela Jamil]

Two pushes.

[Olivia Lee]

It was petrifying because no one was prepared. And the hospital actually had to do an investigation because I had a training midwife. So she came, I was having contraction. She was like, oh, you've got hours to go to the point where my other half was like, I'm just gonna go and get a sandwich. I was like, go on, go and get a sandwich. And he came back this massive salt beef sandwich, and he's sitting there eating that. And I'm like, I really feel like the contractions are faster. Like, let's time them. And they were like, every sort of like 20 seconds. And. But because I'm quite a dramatic person, I was saying to my other half, like, get the nurse, get the nurse. He's like, calm down, no one believes you because you. Because I'm always dramatic and I'm always

[Carriad Lloyd]

worried you feel things correctly. Okay.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And.

[Olivia Lee]

And I was like, get the nurse. And I wasn't even on the labor ward. I was just in triage. Oh, yeah. On a bed in triage. And. But which is sort of like where women go just for checkups.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Like.

[Olivia Lee]

Like you're not supposed to give birth there. And I was like, get the midwife. Get the midwife. And he's like. And he trimmed us out with his sandwich. I can hear him outside saying. She's saying she wants to push, but she's got hours.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Make him sound like complete idiot.

[Olivia Lee]

He's actually lovely. And then she came in. She was like, you don't need to push. Like, I've examined you. And I was like, I'm in agony. And she was like, well, we could give you some pain relief. And I. I had my LED candles, I had my playlist, and I.

[Jameela Jamil]

But I was like.

[Olivia Lee]

Like, give me the drugs. Give me everything now. So she gave me pethidin without examining me. Now, if you have pethidin too soon before giving birth, it crosses. It's basically opioids. So it crosses the placenta, and it's really bad for the baby because they're off their face and it can affect their breathing. So she didn't examine me. I'm like, I want to push. She's like, you've got hours. Because she examined me like, 15 minutes prior. And then I'm like, off my face. Face. And I'm there and I'm just watching. I was like, watching him just eat this massive sandwich. I'm like, that sandwich is going on forever.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I'm like, I think I want to push. I really think I want to push.

[Olivia Lee]

He's like, it's just pressure. Because he heard her say, she's probably just feeling pressure. And I was like, get her. Just get her. And he walks outside with his sandwich. She's saying she wants to push. She's like, oh, let me just have a look. She's like, let me examine you. And I was crowning.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Oh, my God.

[Olivia Lee]

And my husband's still got the sandwich in his hand. He's like, oh, my God.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I'm like, put the sandwich down. Sandwich.

[Jameela Jamil]

Men's ability to eat.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I was like, what? Still holding.

[Jameela Jamil]

Trauma and gore is unbelievable.

[Olivia Lee]

I honestly.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

But I think it's a thing.

[Olivia Lee]

He just wasn't registering.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

But then they had to get the crash team in and then put the

[Carriad Lloyd]

sandwich down and hold the baby still holding.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

And I was like, oh, my God.

[Olivia Lee]

And the midwife's like, oh, my God.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

[Olivia Lee]

So she got the crash team in and all these sort of doctors came in, but I wasn't even on a bed that. So that they couldn't get the bed through the door. So that at that point, my husband leaps into action. And I'm like, how?

[Unidentified Female Guest]

The baby's coming. And I'm like, where are they taking me?

[Olivia Lee]

And they're like, we've got to take you to a proper maternity ward. So I'm watching at this point.

[Jameela Jamil]

What were you in?

[Olivia Lee]

Sorry, I was just a triage. It's like a day center. It's like where you just go.

[Carriad Lloyd]

They just check you for measurements and stuff. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're not in the bit where they

[Carriad Lloyd]

need all the stuff.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

So I'm watching Dan. I'm like, put the bed on it on its side and then suddenly, like, swings into action. He's like, the bed's on its side

[Unidentified Female Guest]

and I'm holding on.

[Jameela Jamil]

And then they get me in the

[Olivia Lee]

lift and I'm literally, like, giving birth in the lift. And I've done this whole sort of hypnobirthing thing where they were like, don't give birth on your first time or your first. And they're like, don't give birth lying down. Like, that's medical intervention. We should be behind a tree on all fours, howling at the moon. Like, that's how we should be giving birth. So they were like, just lie down. I was like, I'm not lying down. I'm going on all on all fours. Right. My ass is in the air. And I'm in this lift and people are walking past and, like, people are

[Jameela Jamil]

trying to get in the lift and

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I'm on pause, my ass there just

[Jameela Jamil]

going, oh, you're also off the telly, so. Oh, my God, yes.

[Olivia Lee]

Yeah, off my face. And then they wheel me into a room. And then again, a male doctor was like, lie down. I was like, well, you shouldn't give birth lying down.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Shut up. And then I was like, on all fours.

[Olivia Lee]

And then he just. Just literally came out.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

But I was so off my face because it's such a traumatic birth. Had the cord around his neck, he was blue, and because he'd had pethidin, he wasn't breathing, so it was really scary. But I was off my face and my husband's face just sort of went white. And I'm just looking at him and I'm not registering Again, like, the seriousness of it. And they're like, here's your baby. And then they just took him away. And then I just looked at Dan. I was like, you know what, babe? I really fancy a fact

[Unidentified Female Guest]

now. Push that one out.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Get my bag and a protein ball, please.

[Olivia Lee]

Whenever I drink, I want a cigarette. It's like I was so off my face. I was like, what are they doing? And then the crash team were, like, trying to resuscitate him. He didn't want to ride me. He was like, it's fine, babe. It's fine. And I was like, do you think

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I can go and have a fag?

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Olivia Lee]

I was just off my face.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's like that scene in Wolf of Wall Street. You're like Jonah Hill on Quaaludes, like, giving birth.

[Carriad Lloyd]

It's insane.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I just had petty.

[Olivia Lee]

I was like, but. And then after going like, I want a fag. I want a fag. Everything sort of went silent. And then I was like. And I went really loud.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

I went, did I shit myself

[Jameela Jamil]

again? Another reason for a woman to feel self conscious.

[Carriad Lloyd]

I've done it before.

[Olivia Lee]

And they were like, no, no, no. And I looked at Diana and I went, I didn't shit myself, babe.

[Jameela Jamil]

And he was like, that's good.

[Olivia Lee]

They're resuscitating our son. Like, I can't quite.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Olivia Lee]

And then everything was fine. They got him breathing very quickly, you know, it was just. It was just. Sadly, it was the pethidin. I shouldn't have been given. They should have examined me before they gave me the pet.

[Carriad Lloyd]

She wouldn't have given you those drugs. She would have taken you up.

[Jameela Jamil]

But I'd like some right now.

[Olivia Lee]

It was incredible.

[Jameela Jamil]

That is mad.

[Olivia Lee]

I was so on high that, like, I didn't shit myself. That's amazing. And then they took me, wheeled me off, and I was sitting there lying down and, like. Like, waiting for them to put the baby in. I just sort of looked at my feet and I was like, oh, I shat myself.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

They were covered in.

[Carriad Lloyd]

They lied. They lied.

[Jameela Jamil]

Or bless your husband as well, for being like.

[Olivia Lee]

It was so traumat. My tip in because he had to go through that with me off my nuts.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, my God.

[Carriad Lloyd]

When did you get your baby?

[Jameela Jamil]

How long?

[Olivia Lee]

He was in ICU in an incubator for 48 hours.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, well, I'm glad that he's okay. And I'm glad you made out there.

[Olivia Lee]

And.

[Jameela Jamil]

What a birth story. Jesus Christ on a bicycle, Olivia.

[Olivia Lee]

I know.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Sorry.

[Olivia Lee]

You should get a gold medal.

[Carriad Lloyd]

You should get Like a gold medal for, like, fastest.

[Olivia Lee]

My fanny should.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Now, normally at this point of the day, I read someone's story, a listener from the show. But my friend told me a story that really made me laugh the other day of what happened to him when he went camping last weekend. And so I thought, I'm just going to tell that story and I'll get his permission after. So he was at this festival with his girlfriend. She's very pretty and lovely. They're having a lovely time. They are partying and listening to music. Everything's very fun, romantic. And then he decides to have like this really nice bhaji bowl from one of the food stalls, like onion bhajis, Indian bargies. It's bargie bowl, it's veggie. And he has that before bed. However, Indian food, not known to be the friend of the gastric system, you know. And so he's lying in bed, fast asleep, you know, probably had a bit to drink, so really out of it. And he suddenly gets woken up at 3am, really suddenly by his girlfriend. And she's like, babe, babe, the smells that are coming out of you are so bad and so violent that I'm afraid you've shit yourself. And she forces him to wake up and check to see if he shit himself. And she doesn't take his word for it. She forces him to stick his hand in his ass. You've both been such a delight. Thank you so much for sharing so

[Olivia Lee]

much, but I'm going to get arrested after this.

[Jameela Jamil]

The MAS

[Carriad Lloyd]

security. MAS Security are going to put your pictures up? No, I think they are going to

[Jameela Jamil]

up security at Planet Organic.

[Olivia Lee]

I'm friendly with the security guard. I got it on one side.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Let's hope the manager doesn't listen to it.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm sure they won't let me. Before you go, will you tell everyone where they can find you and anything you have coming up that you want them to listen to?

[Carriad Lloyd]

You can find me on Instagram at Caradloyd. I have a new kids book called Lydia Marmalade and the Christmas Wish coming out. And Ostentatious is you can see them in the West End, me and them in the West End at the Vaudeville Theatre or on tour if you head to ostentatiousimpro.com that is Jane Austen improv. Yes, Jane Austen improv show.

[Olivia Lee]

You can find me on Insta Fashion saying Insta Twitter. No, not Twitter, Olivia.

[Jameela Jamil]

Send your pigeon to Instagram and you can find me.

[Olivia Lee]

Fax me, darling. Fax me Olivia Lee seven and writing scripts that will hopefully be on the TV soon. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you so much for coming.

[Unidentified Female Guest]

Thank you.

[Carriad Lloyd]

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jamita Jamil and Stuart Bailey.

[Jameela Jamil]

And thank you, thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personal disasterstoriesmail.com don't forget to subscribe like review wherever you get your podcasts and tell your friends about us. I have a substack. It's called A Low Desire to Please.

[Carriad Lloyd]

That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now.

[Jameela Jamil]

By.

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