Shapel Lacey and Aaron Branch

Summary

Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil

Episode: Shapel Lacey and Aaron Branch
Date: December 11, 2025

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Episode Overview

This riotous episode of Wrong Turns features comedians Chappelle Lacey and Aaron Branch joining Jameela Jamil for a cathartic, hysterical exploration of life's most mortifying disasters — from micro humiliations to epic bodily mishaps. With no morals or lessons promised, the trio gleefully swap their worst sexual, social, and physical "wrong turns," punctuated by relentless teasing, oversharing, and laughter. This is a celebration of human embarrassment, complete with vivid stories, painfully honest confessions, and plenty of irreverence.

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Key Discussion Points & Stories

Introductions & Ice-Breakers

• [00:57] Jameela Jamil welcomes the guests, giving an irreverent intro: "This is the show where dignity goes to die."
• Banter about Chappelle's cheerleading background and Aaron's acting/comedy credentials.

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Are You Drawn to Disaster or is Disaster Drawn to You?

• [02:05] Jameela: “So you’re here because of disaster. Are you drawn to disaster or is disaster drawn to you? Whose fault is it, man?”
• Chappelle jokes about anger management, Aaron muses whether they’re doing a podcast or therapy (“Wait, I thought this was a podcast or a therapy session.” [02:18]).

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Micro Humiliations

Chappelle’s Worst Stand-Up Experience

• [03:01] Chappelle recounts his “worst show ever” (his 4th ever stand-up gig):
  • Mistimed gig at a nightclub after music acts and a DJ, where no one wanted comedy.
  • Aggressively heckled; retorted "man shut your dumb ass up."
  • Escalated to shouting “yo, suck my dick, bro,” and was brilliantly heckled back: “your dick’s the joke” ([05:36]).
  • Many friends (including his adopted Christian dad) in the crowd — utter humiliation.
  • “I had a crash out. I just started telling the crowd, yo, suck my dick, bro. And then there was one guy. One guy that got me. He goes, 'man, your dick’s the joke.'” — Chappelle Lacy ([04:49])
• Jameela and Aaron express their horror and sympathy, with Jameela noting she's grateful many of her humiliations took place "pre-social media" ([07:13]).

Aaron’s Accidental Grandpa Kiss

• [09:10] Aaron shares an awkward family story:
  • Accidentally kissed his grandfather on the lips at a nursing home in front of his whole family.
  • “Both of our heads turn at the same time and we kiss each other on the lips.” ([09:32])
  • “Was it your first kiss?” jokes Jameela ([10:49]).
  • He never discussed it with family; it felt like a weird secret. Grandfather also had schizophrenia, which complicated things.

“Pretty Girl” Mix-Up

• [11:39] Aaron’s great-grandmother, due to dementia, never realized he was a boy, always telling him, “You sure are a pretty girl.”
• His diplomatic response: “Thank you.” Jameela compliments his resilience: “You’re quite a pretty man. I completely understand.” ([12:20])

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Big Wrong Turns: Sexual Misadventures

Chappelle's Bleeding "Wrong Turn"

• [14:10] Chappelle delivers the episode’s most cringe-inducing story:
  • Lost his virginity at 21 to a girl from Applebee’s — “I just wanted to fall in love.”
  • Second time having sex, at cheer camp, his lack of sexual experience led to not preparing his partner, resulting in severe "carpet burn" to his uncircumcised penis.
  • Discovered bleeding everywhere in the bathroom, panic ensued. Teammates had to help clean up, “bloody sheets” thrown onto the beach.
  • “So I pull out, and there was blood. … I was like, the blood’s not stopping. … It was me.” ([19:19–19:21])
  • Jameela: “So just to be clear, you tore your foreskin.” Chappelle: “Yeah.” ([22:28–22:31])
  • Story spread to the entire cheer squad and even the coach. Trauma led him to avoid sex for years, and permanent nerves about it.

Jameela Shares Her Own TMI Story

• [24:49] In the spirit of oversharing, Jameela shares a story of a sexual partner whose penis was "so big" it supposedly relocated her womb, necessitating a hospital visit. The group collapses into shocked laughter.

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Aaron’s High School Sexting Scandal

• [25:48] – [34:09] Aaron recounts a wild "humiliating" story, though Chappelle and Jameela skeptically probe whether it's actually trauma:
  • High school era: Aaron sexts with a girl who asks about his anatomy; he gives an accurate size.
  • Girl tells her next boyfriend, who spreads the story around school.
  • Contract written in geometry class: Aaron must provide photographic "proof" (for $20).
  • Ends up taking a picture next to a ruler; the photo gets shown to half the school.
  • Felt “everyone was talking about it,” painful embarrassment, then called to the principal’s office — but only to be rewarded $10 for returning lost cash earlier. “They saw my dick ... and they said it was amazing ... and my principal gave me money!” Jameela: “Are you joking? This is not your platform to get laid. This is real entertainment.” ([32:14])
  • Chappelle: “Sounds like a W to me!” ([34:42])

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Aaron’s “Terrible” Campus Walk of Shame

• [35:51] Relates being “cut off” by beloved security guard after she saw him drunk for the first time:
  • “She saw me and what she yelled at me, I’ll never forget: ‘I thought you was good, but you bad just like everybody else.’ And then cut me out of her life.”
  • Chappelle exclaims, “I hate your stories, bro. I literally, I opened up my heart ... I talked about my dick bleeding!” ([37:06])

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Everyone’s Most Mortifying Moments

• [37:47] Jameela finally shares: “I’ve shit myself in the road. I had an orgasm in front of 6,000 farmers … was hung upside down on national TV, snot flying, reading a teleprompter.”
• “No wonder you’re a comedian.” — Jameela, to her guests.

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Listener’s Story: "Misery Loves Company"

• Jessica’s Date Disaster ([41:31]):
  • After a promising date with the “hottest guy in college,” Jessica, inquiring about his deaf sister, asks, “So does she read Braille?” causing him to instantly end the date.
  • “That is the most extraordinary moment of foot in mouth disease. And I love it so much.” — Jameela ([42:09])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Chappelle’s on-stage disaster: “I just started telling the crowd, yo, suck my dick, bro. And then there was one guy … he goes, ‘man, your dick’s the joke.’” ([04:49])
• Jameela’s TMI: “I had sex with someone whose penis was too big. … I had to go to the hospital. It relocated.” ([24:49])
• Aaron’s high school ‘trauma’: “So then he’s like, I’ll give you $20. And I’m like, bet, right? So that night, I go home and I take a picture of my dick next to a ruler … then I go to school the next day.” ([30:07])
• Jameela skewers Aaron’s humblebrag: “Are you joking? This is not your platform to get laid. This is real entertainment.” ([32:14])
• Chappelle, resigned: “Sounds like a W to me.” ([34:42])
• Aaron’s lost innocence, per the security guard: “‘I thought you was good but you bad just like everybody else.’ And then cut me out of her life.” ([37:05])
• Jameela’s life parade: “I’ve shit myself in the road. … I got hung upside down on a bungee on national television … snot came out of my nose in a long two-foot line!” ([37:47])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introductions and setup: [00:57]–[02:21]
• Micro humiliations (Chappelle’s story): [03:01]–[07:23]
• Aaron’s first kiss… with his grandpa: [09:10]–[10:52]
• “Pretty girl” misgendering: [11:39]–[12:24]
• Chappelle’s epic sexual mishap at cheer camp: [14:10]–[24:41]
• Jameela’s own TMI “womb incident”: [24:49]
• Aaron’s high school sexting “scandal”: [25:48]–[34:42]
• Campus security guard disappointment story: [35:51]–[37:19]
• Jameela’s “greatest hits” of humiliation: [37:47]–[38:39]
• Listener letter (Jessica): [41:31]–[42:34]
• Outro and plugs: [42:51]–[43:30]

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Guest Plugs

• Chappelle Lacey: @chappellelacey on all platforms
• Aaron Branch: @branchboycomedy on TikTok, always touring

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Tone & Takeaway

The episode is fast, filthy, self-deprecating, and always gleeful. No pity, no sermons — just the unvarnished, hilarious truth of being mortifyingly, bodily, embarrassingly human. Whether you revel in misfortune or need reassurance that “you’re not alone,” this episode is a masterclass of cathartic chaos and comedic storytelling.

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For more, subscribe or send your own disasters to [e-mail].

Transcript

[Boost Mobile Announcer]

Here's how to stay alive longer so you can enjoy Boost Mobile's unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. Do not mistake a wasp nest for a pinata. Stay alive and switch now at boost mobile. After 30 gigs, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Mobile Unlimited plan. The longer you stay alive, the longer you can enjoy Boost Mobile's unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. So here are some tips. Do not parallel park on a cliff if you want to enjoy an unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. Do not mistake a wasp nest for a pinata if you want to enjoy an unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. Do not microwave a hard boiled egg if you want to enjoy an unlimited plan with the price that never goes up. Stay alive and enjoy Unlimited Wireless for $25 a month forever with Boost Mobile. After 30 gigs, customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Mobile Unlimited plan.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is the show where dignity goes to die. We like to celebrate our misfortunes without shoving a silver lining up anyone's ass. And today I am joined by two very, very funny people. Joining me, we have a former award winning cheerleader who became a nationally touring comedian. You can watch his don't tell comedy set, 3Dads2Mums on YouTube. It's Chapel fucking Lacy.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Hello. Oh, wow.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Are you okay?

[Chappelle Lacy]

You knew the cheerleading part.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Is that all right?

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, it's fine.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

It's fine. Okay, good. Chappelle. Chappelle.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Sorry, but I like the British way.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah.

I'll do it again.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I like that.

[Aaron Branch]

Some people say he's a chaperone. Economy.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

It's Chapel Lacy. Yeah.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You know, I want that in, bro. Keep that. I want that, bro. I want that. You know, I am the chaperone of comedy. I can't wait to meet her, bro.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

And we welcome an actor, comedian, writer and artist who you can watch on the Netflix series Unstable. And as co host of the Kevin Lang show, it's Aaron Braun.

[Aaron Branch]

Yo.

[Chappelle Lacy]

So happy to be here. Yes. Very happy to be here.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

So you're here because of disaster. Are you drawn to disaster or is disaster drawn to you? Whose fault is it, man?

[Chappelle Lacy]

That's a good question.

[Aaron Branch]

That's a really deep question.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Has it been?

[Aaron Branch]

I'm curious.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Wait, I thought this was a podcast or a therapy session.

[Aaron Branch]

I'm like, this is an intervention.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I'm all.

I'm like, actually when I think about my childhood.

I mean. Yeah. I mean, I don't know, does it. Does it haunt you?

[Aaron Branch]

I don't think so.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Oh, you know, I smile too much, so it doesn't really haunt me, I think. And the smile is organic. It's not like a forced smile.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Can you give me some examples of some micro humiliations you might have faced in this life?

[Chappelle Lacy]

I mean, one has to do with my career in stand up comedy. I mean, it was like, it was my fourth show ever and it was the worst. And it's still, hands down to this day, the worst show I've ever done.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Really?

[Chappelle Lacy]

In my comedy career. Yes. So this is back home in Arizona, right? That's where I came up, in Arizona. And my boy, he managed a bunch of bands and stuff like that. He goes, yo, I wanna put you on the show. He goes, a bunch of bands are playing, dj, all this stuff, right? Blah, blah, blah. And I thought I was gonna like open the show, right? Whatever. And I still didn't kinda know. Cause I was like, I was new to stand up. It was my fourth time going on stage. And I remember so all the bands had played and then a DJ came on and it turned into like a nightclub scene. And I'm like, when am I going up? But I still didn't think anything too deeply of it. Cause I was just like, okay, maybe this is how this is supposed to go.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah. You're also bursting with adrenaline.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, yeah. I'm just like excited to go on stage, right? You know, and so the DJ stops and he goes, hey, you're on. And I was like, right now? And he goes, yeah. He goes, give it up for Chappelle Lacy. He said it just like that. And so the music just stops. Everybody stops dancing, right? And then I go on stage. I go on stage and I start like telling my jokes, right? I'm trying to tell these jokes and the crowd is not having it at all. Not having it. Well. Cause it was like they just saw these bands.

[Aaron Branch]

Exactly.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You know, the DJ came on, they're like, okay, now this is the time for this. They don't want to hear a comedian, right? Which I didn't know that this was my fourth time going on stage. I'm like, y' all don't like jokes? That's scary, you know, Terrifying. And so I just started getting heckled real bad. Like people like wanted me to get off stage. And there was this one person that just kept heckling me. I was like, man, shut your dumb ass up, right? I know I was aggressive. Okay, listen, just to give you a preface, I've been off and on with anger management since I was, like, 15.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Great.

[Chappelle Lacy]

So I'm doing a great job. I'm smiling. Yeah, I'm happy. Look at that. I'm happy. I'm here. No hate in my heart.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

So genuine right now.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Once I attacked that person, they were with, like, a group of people, right? And then they. Everybody just started coming at me. They just started booing me, right? And I didn't know what to do, and I was, like, freaking out. And I. And you know. And I had all my friends there, by the way, like. And my adopted father, who's a white Christian man and, like, strong in his faith, but happy to see his adopted son go on stage and tell jokes. And then I just. I had a crash out. I just started telling the crowd, yo, suck my dick, bro. I was shouting it to everybody. And then there was one guy. One guy that got me. He goes. He goes, man, your dick's the joke. And I was like, oh, well. I was like.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

That hurts in so many ways, bro.

[Aaron Branch]

I felt it right here in my heart.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

No, you don't even have one. And mine just hurt.

[Chappelle Lacy]

It hurts. And meanwhile, like. And I don't think my dick's a joke, but the way he said it, I didn't have a reply. Yeah.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Also, what could you say to that?

[Chappelle Lacy]

I was like.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

It was my. No, my penis isn't a joke.

[Aaron Branch]

No, it's not.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Everyone loves it.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah. And so I looked down at my. And there was. At one point, I looked down at my best friend. He's gay, dude.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I thought you were going to be like, you look down at your dick.

[Aaron Branch]

But I said, it is funny.

[Chappelle Lacy]

He was right.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Pull it out and be like, what's funny about anyone?

[Chappelle Lacy]

So, right? That's funny. No, And I looked. At one point, I looked down at my best friend because my best friend's standing right there. And I was like, gay dude, right? I go, what do I do? He goes, girl, keep going. And I was like. I just kept telling the crowd again and again to suck my dick, bro. And then.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

That's probably not what he meant.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I know, right?

[Aaron Branch]

Again, fourth time doing that.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

He meant carry on with your set.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I know, right? You.

[Aaron Branch]

Somebody use somebody.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Use somebody. And then. And then all of a sudden, the DJ just comes on and just, boom. He cut my mic. He started. They said he started playing the music again. And then I get off stage, right? I get off stage and I remember I was supposed to do like this interview or this like social media thing and I was like excited to do this interview.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Comedian.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah. Yes, yes.

[Aaron Branch]

Fourth time doing stage.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Literally I get off stage, they are nowhere in sight. They said, we'll be waiting right here as soon as you're done. They were nowhere in sight, bro.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Is there footage of this?

[Chappelle Lacy]

No, I hope not.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

No, I'm just, I'm not asking because I'm gonna play it on the show.

I'm just saying like the amount of humiliating things that have happened to me. Thank Christ. Pre social media or when I wasn't relevant enough to be viral, thank Christ for that.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I mean it was like. I mean the thing that was popping was YouTube at the time. It wasn't. I don't even think Instagram was like out yet. But like, but like everybody loved YouTube.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Fucking all about those 2008.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, fuck ups. I know. I mean it was, I mean, and just that like, you know, like I was like, man, do I keep doing stand up after this? Because like I said it was my fourth time ever going stage. But hey, I'm telling you, the amount of booze and it was, it was a lot of people. It wasn't like it was 14 people, it was a lot of people.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Can I ask you something? Do you ever get that thing? You know, some people get it with like when you've had a really good shag and then like you're just minding your business during the day at work and then you're like, I get that, but only with the most cringy moments of my life where I'll just. Suddenly I'll just be sitting there working and I go, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you get that? Did you have that afterwards?

[Chappelle Lacy]

It's like an intrusive thought.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I verbally make that sound where I'm just like, yes. Cause it discomfort.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Well. Cause it just like when you think about it, it like. I don't know, for some reason it just like takes a grab at your soul.

[Aaron Branch]

It's always in your happiest moment.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yes.

[Aaron Branch]

It's like your brain.

Yeah.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You did this thing. Don't forget.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Oh, what a fucking nightmare. Well done for car on.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I know. Yeah, I did. Carry on.

[Aaron Branch]

You did your thing.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

And how is your dick today?

[Chappelle Lacy]

Well, it's no longer the joke.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Congratulations.

[Chappelle Lacy]

No longer the joke. It's, you know, it's upgraded, it's all that stuff, you know. I don't know how you upgrade a dick, but like that's what happens when.

[Aaron Branch]

You get money, dog.

Proud of you, man. Proud of You?

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, I had to go to the doctor. I was like, is this a joke?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

And what about you? What's your little micro humiliation, Eh?

[Aaron Branch]

I have quite a few. This one stands out to me. I think it haunts me a lot. I was at my grandfather's nursing home. I was at my grandfather's nursing home and we were saying our goodbyes for like the night. We had a really lovely visit, right? So it was like hug, kiss on the cheek. Hug, kiss on the cheek. Hug, kiss on the cheek. I go to my hug, and when we're both going to hug, both of our heads turn at the same time and we kiss each other on the lips.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You kiss your granddaddy?

[Aaron Branch]

He kissed me on the lips.

[Chappelle Lacy]

He kissed you? Tongue?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

No tongue, no. I'm only joking. Love this handful.

[Aaron Branch]

We kissed on the lips and I felt really weird about that.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You felt, bro? Yeah, man. Sorry, I didn't mean to be aggressive right now.

[Aaron Branch]

It was weird. Cause also it was strange. Cause it made it look like I was his favorite.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

What's wrong with that?

[Aaron Branch]

My whole family there and I'm the only one. His daughters are there. My other, like, all my cousins are there. And I'm the only one that got the kiss on the lips, bro. It was really strange.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Okay, wait, how long is the kiss? Is it like.

[Aaron Branch]

Oh, no, it's like a. It's like a. It's like a.

[Chappelle Lacy]

But it's. It's long enough.

[Aaron Branch]

There's some recoil, like.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Oh, there's recoil. Not the recoil like a, bro.

[Aaron Branch]

We didn't talk about it. Kind of. I tried to avoid eye contact and then we just left the nursing home.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

So your family's not. Big kisses?

[Aaron Branch]

No, not like that.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I don't know, man. Italians kiss on the lips all the time.

[Aaron Branch]

No, but there was something about that that felt weird.

[Chappelle Lacy]

How old was that?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Because you liked it?

[Chappelle Lacy]

No.

How old was he at the time?

[Aaron Branch]

I don't remember how old he was. I was probably about 15 or 16, though.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Danny said giving him lips? Yeah, he said it like that.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Your first kiss?

[Aaron Branch]

No, it wasn't my first kiss.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah. I mean, you were 15, bro. Mine was at 16.

[Aaron Branch]

I think my first official kids were like 14. So I was experienced by this point. So I knew at that point. But yeah, I just felt like.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You guys never talked about it?

[Aaron Branch]

No, man.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You never seen it.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Did the family mention how, like, you're the favorite now? Was there any animals suitable to.

[Aaron Branch]

The context here is that my grandfather was also schizophrenic, so there could have been Some of that at play and we're like, we're just not going to talk about that. But yeah, the man kissed me on the lips and I felt really weird about it.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Or he was like, this lady, really pretty, bro.

I don't know if schizophrenia does that to me.

[Aaron Branch]

No, that's Alzheimer's. And my great grandmother never learned that I was a boy. So throughout when she was.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Sorry, man.

[Chappelle Lacy]

What is your life, bro?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I'm sorry. No, go back.

[Chappelle Lacy]

No.

[Aaron Branch]

So when. Because of the year I was born and my great grandmother's dementia, basically, she never fully was able to remember that I was a boy. So whenever I would go to the nursing home for her until I was 10 when she died, every time she saw me, she would say, you sure are a pretty girl.

[Chappelle Lacy]

And what would you say?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Thank you.

But were you. What were you dressed like?

[Aaron Branch]

I usually had skull caps on.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Right, right, right.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Classic.

Classic young lady attire.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Very ladylike.

[Aaron Branch]

That's my eyes. Is your eyes.

I want a pretty eye.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

You're quite a pretty man. I completely understand. I completely get it.

[Aaron Branch]

I appreciate it.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I like that your response was thank you. I think you. Perfect. I'm not gonna get defensive 100%.

[Aaron Branch]

There's no reason for that.

[Chappelle Lacy]

That's crazy.

[Aaron Branch]

Yeah, doc. I've been through it, man.

[Chappelle Lacy]

But it's all good. You've been through it.

[Aaron Branch]

We're still here, though.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

No wonder you're a comedian.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I know.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

And how's your dick?

[Aaron Branch]

It's great.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Great.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Perfect. Just.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Great.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

We'll be right back.

[Boost Mobile Announcer]

Here's how to stay alive longer so you can enjoy Boost Mobile's unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. Do not mistake a wasp nest for a pinata. Stay alive and switch now at boost mobile. After 30 gigs, customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will pay 25amonth as long as they remain active on the Boost Mobile unlimited plan. The longer you stay alive, the longer you can enjoy Boost Mobile's unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. So here are some tips. Do not parallel park on a cliff. If you want to enjoy an unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. Do not mistake a wasp nest for a pinata. If you want to enjoy an unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. Do not microwave a hard boiled egg. If you want to enjoy an unlimited plan with the price that never goes up, stay alive and Enjoy Unlimited Wireless for 25amonth. Forever with Boost Mobile. After 30 gigs, customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will pay 25amonth as long as they remain active on the Boost Mobile Unlimited plan.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday. Because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means a half day.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch up front.

[Mint Mobile Announcer]

Payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month. Required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of networks busy. Taxes and fees extra. See mint mobile.com.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Chappelle, tell me, what would you consider your big wrong turn?

[Chappelle Lacy]

I mean, I feel like this episode is just all about my dick.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

And all of the episodes of the show so far have all been about your dick. So don't worry, everyone's talking about.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You're the comedian. Chappelle Lacey is. Dick sucks. Chappelle Lacey's dick is a joke, bro. Okay.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Long turns.

[Chappelle Lacy]

So, okay. I lost my virginity, like later on in my.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

How late?

[Chappelle Lacy]

Well, I mean, I was 21.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I was 21.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Okay.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Did we lose it to each other?

[Chappelle Lacy]

No, this is from a girl I met at Applebee's. Applebee's is like, I was not there. I know.

It's like, it's like a restaurant where it's just like.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

It's just.

[Chappelle Lacy]

No, it's just a. No restaurant. Yeah, it's like you just don't go there.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

No.

[Chappelle Lacy]

If you want fine food, you don't go there. Anyways, so. And I, like, it was an experience that was just like, thrown at me, you know, I didn't really want it because I was. I'm the kind of guy, like, I'm always trying to fall in love. Yeah, stuff like that.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Sweet.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I'm always trying to fall in love. Why'd I get aggressive with you? Oh, I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry because I'm. I'm about to tell this crazy story.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

He's about to kiss you on the mouth.

[Aaron Branch]

It was my grandfather.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Stay away, bro.

[Boost Mobile Announcer]

The same age, though.

[Chappelle Lacy]

What?

[Aaron Branch]

Sorry about that.

[Chappelle Lacy]

38.

[Aaron Branch]

Keep going.

[Chappelle Lacy]

So anyways, though, like, I, I, you know, I kind of just. Never too familiar in the hookup world or whatever. Blah, blah, blah. I just wanted to fall in love. I just wanted a girlfriend. That's all I ever wanted. So after the first time I had sex, I was just like, man, that was a confusing thing. Like, it was just like wild. It was, you know, whatever. Then. Then.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Did it last very long?

[Chappelle Lacy]

I didn't Finish. Wow.

[Aaron Branch]

Yeah.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Really?

[Aaron Branch]

Yeah.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Goodbye. No, I'm joking.

[Chappelle Lacy]

We just stopped and she said, that was amazing. I was like, okay. You sure?

Yeah. I was like, okay, lady. All right.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

It was probably also the nerves maybe.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, I was too nervous. I was too nervous. And also, Mean Girls was playing on.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

The TV until I was like, mean Girls.

[Chappelle Lacy]

It's my favorite movie. I lost your virginity to Mean Girls.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

It's a great movie.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Regina.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah. I didn't have an orgasm until I was like, 23. I lost my virginity at 21, but I didn't have an orgasm until 23 because I didn't talk to anyone about sex. So I didn't know that you're not gonna pee because you feel like you might pee, but you don't pee. I mean, some people do, and then they call it squirting, but it's peeing. Yeah, but I just had that sensation. I didn't know what the sensation was, so I would always stop. Cause, like, yeah, I was fighting it. I was feeling it, but I was fighting it.

[Chappelle Lacy]

See, that was the thing when we were.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

It's intense when you don't know what's going on.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah. My knowledge, so. My knowledge for sex is, like. It was, like, non existent. And so my second time having sex was at cheer camp. This is at cheer camp.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

By the way, you being a cheerleader makes it hard for me to understand how it was so late for you to lose your virginity because surely one of the only straight men on the squad. Everyone must have just been hounding you.

[Chappelle Lacy]

But I wasn't lifting them from the top. I was. I was super focused.

[Aaron Branch]

I was like, we're gonna get this done. Yeah, we gotta do this pyramid, Linda.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

So just throw, like, batting women away.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, yeah. I was like. My brain was. My brain was about the cheerleading. I was like, bro, I'm trying to win.

I'm enjoying this very much. So. Second time I had sex was at cheer camp. It was our last night before we had to do our, like, performance. Like, the next day it was in. In the south. And, like, Myrtle beach was hot. It was August, whatever, muggy, all that stuff. And so we were kind of partying, you know, to ourselves or whatever. And there was one girl on routine that was, like, dancing on me or whatever. And I got one of those things, you know, it rose up. A boner. I got a boner. See, I don't even feel comfortable talking about that. I'm like, I got one of those things that happened to me rolling up.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Made me think differently. About for a second again, you know.

[Chappelle Lacy]

It just kind of sucks. Does one of those things where it's.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Just, like, Aladdin's carpet.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah.

Stop making fun of it.

[Aaron Branch]

Sorry. We're just trying to figure it out.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Okay. So anyway, you've got to get it.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Out by the end of the episode just to show us. Yeah.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Anyway, she was just like, ooh, let me see it. And I was like, okay. And I showed her, and then she was like, let's go to your room and have sex. And I was like, okay, this is your second time. Here goes. I think you got it this time, right? We go in, we just start going at it immediately. And all of a sudden, like, out of nowhere, I feel this, like, random. I don't know, I just felt something, like, weird in the area of, like, my dick and my dick being inside of her. Right.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Okay.

[Chappelle Lacy]

So I pull out, and there was blood. And I was like, oh. And then she was just like. She was like, which one of you was leading? Which one was leading? So let me tell you. So she was like, oh, shit, I think I got my period. I was like, oh, okay, no worries. You know, I was like, you know, whatever. I was like, I'll go clean off or whatever. Yeah. I go to the bathroom and clean off, and I'm wiping off. And I was like, the blood's not stopping.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

So you're like, you're on your period.

[Chappelle Lacy]

It was me, so. And I'm freaking out, right. Also, I'm really drunk, and so the blood. And, like, your blood thins out when you're drunk. And so it just. What did you say?

[Aaron Branch]

I said, good to know.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good to know for this situation. And so it just wouldn't stop. Stop, like, bleeding. And I'm freaking out. And then she leaves or whatever. And I'm. Some of my teammates, the guys on my team. I was just like, help, help, help. And they come in, and I don't know how I did this, but there was, like, blood, like, just everywhere in the bathroom. And I don't know how I got it there. I don't know if I was, like, spinning around, freaking out, because, like, I said, I was really drunk. You're doing cartwheels. I know.

I got another routine for tomorrow.

And so they come in and they were just like, what happened? I was like, this is what happened. And they just see the blood. They're like, oh, my God. They're like, okay. They're like, is there blood on the sheets or anything? I go, yeah, there's a lot of blood on the sheets. They're like, okay, we'll clean up. You clean up in here. We'll clean up out there, right? So I was like, okay. And then what they did, they took the bloody sheets and they just. Because it was on the beach, they just took the bloody sheets, threw them on the beach, and I'm murdered and I'm wiping down the walls.

In the bathroom. Right.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

But she just smears it.

[Boost Mobile Announcer]

Yeah.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

It doesn't do anything.

[Chappelle Lacy]

So all of a sudden the walls are red. No, they weren't that red. I was fighting. I was doing good, okay? I know how to clean walls.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

All right, so what the fuck happened?

[Chappelle Lacy]

So this is like I said, my knowledge for sex was just non existent. And so soon as we got in the room, I just went in and I was just going in, right? And I didn't realize, you know, you have to get a woman, you know, ready, wet or whatever. And I didn't do that. And so basically it was just carpet burn. Yes. Also to bring up what you said earlier.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Not carpet burn.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I don't know, you know, when you get a carpet burn or whatever. Yeah, Friction. Yeah, friction. Friction. Friction. Right. And so also, what was tough.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

My vagina has disappeared inside of my body.

[Chappelle Lacy]

It has also, what made it really tough is I didn't get the snipperoo. Oh. As a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aaron Branch]

Okay.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Hey, man, you gotta say like that?

[Aaron Branch]

Nothing.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

He wasn't asking for your approval.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I know, right? Yeah. Seriously, the way he said that.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Oh, okay. That's nice. What?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

So you can stay.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Right? Yeah. Hey, you're still a human.

[Aaron Branch]

That's what I was thinking.

[Chappelle Lacy]

So anyways, like, it hurt to pee because you have. As a uncut wiener, you have to.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Pull or whatever. And so like, the one thing that. Like the part that messed me up the most, obviously a lot of things. But what was the next day? Because everyone found.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

So just to be clear, you tore your foreskin.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah. Well.

Yeah.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Or did you snap your banjo string?

[Chappelle Lacy]

No, I didn't. I didn't snap the string.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Okay. Congratulations.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah. Yeah, congratulations. She's doing it the way she said, I feel like I want something.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I'm like.

No. Cause I walked in on my roommate and. Cause he. He was having sex with his girlfriend. His gorgeous, amazing, wonderful girlfriend, who is now his wife. And he was screaming and they both start screaming. And then I walk in and come running in because I don't know what's going on. And there's blood everywhere. And he'd torn his banjo string so he knows what. I don't even know what that is, to be honest.

[Aaron Branch]

I didn't know what that was.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I don't know what it is.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

But apparently there's a string. I don't know if it plays music when you touch it. But he snapped his. And it took months to recover.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, see, mine is that. I was good. I was good.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Oh, good.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Mine was just a friction. I was just a friction.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

And now everyone's seen your bleeding dick.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Everyone's seen it. I just remember all the gay dudes, they came in, they were like, what's wrong? And then they saw. They were like, oh.

Straight boys. Get him.

Get your person. Or whatever. Yeah. And it was so funny because everyone found out, like, immediately. And even my cheer coach, because he comes up to me the next day, he goes, are you okay? I was like, leave me alone, man.

[Aaron Branch]

The fact that everybody heard, even the.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Everybody, bro.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Everybody would hear.

[Chappelle Lacy]

They're in their 20s, cheerleading, bro.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I heard about it in England at the time.

It was awful. That's why I invited you here today.

[Aaron Branch]

Just to check. Do a teddy or check.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

You're a legend over there. Oh, Christ. So then, did that make you really nervous, having sex after that?

[Chappelle Lacy]

Did it?

[Aaron Branch]

Yeah.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Oh, my God. Yeah. Condoms are king.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Condoms are king.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, they lube, all that. Yeah. I, I, I, I freak out still.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

To this day.

[Chappelle Lacy]

To this day.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Oh, babe.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I tell. I gotta tell women. It's not you, it's me. I won't tell you why, but it is. It's because of me. You have trauma, dog, dog. Do I, man. And also, it took me years to have sex again after that.

[Aaron Branch]

I can imagine, man.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I was like, nope, Any day now. Any day now.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

That is horrifying.

[Chappelle Lacy]

That was the last time I had sex with.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I had sex with someone whose penis was too big. And he moved my womb. He moved my womb. I had to go to the hospital. It relocated.

By multiple. Multiple. Well, I mean, I thought we were sharing.

[Aaron Branch]

The whole judgment.

You're so right. There is no judgment. I am just saying I'm flabbergasted by the story.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, the story just called herself gone.

[Aaron Branch]

I did not expect.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I've never heard anything like that.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

What happened to your penis then? What's going on with you? Have you had any?

[Aaron Branch]

This is a wild story.

And this. What was the name that you came up with for the episode?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Schlong Turf.

[Aaron Branch]

That's definitely what this is called.

[Chappelle Lacy]

This is another. So. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, nice to meet you.

[Aaron Branch]

All right, so basically, this happened to me in High school, I was a giant.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Okay.

[Aaron Branch]

So I always call, like, my specific age group kind of like an experimentation of some ways.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Okay.

[Aaron Branch]

Because we. Smartphones, I think, came out when we were in, like, the eighth grade.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Right.

[Aaron Branch]

So by high school.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

How old are you?

[Aaron Branch]

I'm 30.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Right, right.

[Aaron Branch]

So you're Gen Z. Yeah, on the cusp. I'm like, a zillennial, I would say.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

So never say that word.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah, I didn't approve that word either. Yeah. So that was a lot to throw at us.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

But he's about che. He's about chef Safe space.

[Aaron Branch]

I was sexting with a girl my junior year. We all have smartphones, Right? Let me go back to that point.

[Nordstrom Rack Announcer]

We.

[Aaron Branch]

I say we're kind of like an experimentation because we just were given these, like, things where we can. Like, now we have the Internet and we're all, like, talking to each other, and, like, we can take really high quality photos. And, like, a lot of the time that would include sexting. Okay. So I was sexting with a girl, like, my junior year.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

What do you even say at that age?

[Aaron Branch]

I wish I had those text messages because I would love to be able to see what those actually consisted of. Just because I feel like it was probably, like, really, like, nothing. Like, what are you wearing?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah.

[Aaron Branch]

And then, like, what are you actually gonna say? None of us actually have experience in this arena. There's nothing that you're gonna say that's actually gonna blow my mind. But at the time, we're like, this is amazing. Like, oh, my God. So I was texting with this girl, and she happened to ask me the question of. She said, how big is your schlong?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah, Right.

[Aaron Branch]

So I told her the answer.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Whatever.

[Aaron Branch]

We move on. Things with this specific girl kind of, like, fizzled out, and, like, nothing ever actually came into fruition.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah.

[Chappelle Lacy]

And so she said, schlong.

[Aaron Branch]

No, I'm saying schlong.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Oh, got it.

[Aaron Branch]

In order just to censor myself, she said, dick, Wiener. Wiener. Penis.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Can you imagine a sex with wiener?

[Aaron Branch]

How big is your wiener?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I'm gonna text my boyfriend now.

And it'd be like, I've been thinking about your wiener.

Wiener is horrific.

[Aaron Branch]

It's disgusting.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

It's foul.

[Aaron Branch]

It's real cringe.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Okay, sorry. So she asked. She asked about your cock.

[Aaron Branch]

Yes, she did.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah.

[Aaron Branch]

And so I told her the answer, and then that was the end of that message exchange.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You told her the answer?

[Aaron Branch]

I did tell her the answer. And I don't really remember all the specific.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You show her the answer.

[Aaron Branch]

I did not I did not. I did not. So. But that's key in this thing, right?

[Chappelle Lacy]

Okay.

[Aaron Branch]

So things fizzle out with her, life moves on, right? She ends up dating someone like months later, right? When they're dating, she happens to mention to him what I had told her when we were sexting, right? And this guy starts telling everybody in the school what I had told her, right? And so the other kid in geometry.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

How big had you told her it was. Was it accurate?

[Aaron Branch]

It was accurate.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

You hadn't embellished?

[Aaron Branch]

I did not lie. I did not embellish.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Are you just using my podcast to let everyone know that you have a monstrously large claw?

[Aaron Branch]

So let me just say this. This was one of my.

[Chappelle Lacy]

What you doing here, man?

[Aaron Branch]

Listen, this was one of.

[Chappelle Lacy]

My dick's a joke. What's your.

[Aaron Branch]

This was one of my fears of telling this story. But let me just.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

His dick is Batman.

[Aaron Branch]

But let me just.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yours is the Joker.

[Aaron Branch]

I think that at the time. This is what happens when you're one of the only black kids at an all white school. Everything you do, you're the Hulk.

Everything you do, you're the realest.

[Chappelle Lacy]

It's the truth.

[Aaron Branch]

You're. Every black kid at an all white school is a celebrity. Okay? So I might just be like average, but to them, I'm like Michael Jordan, right? So keep that in mind. All right? I'm not saying anything too crazy. It's a wild story though. So this kid in geometry class, this guy named Tyler, is like, Aaron's over here lying about the size of his penis. And I don't like it. And I was like, what?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

He was like, I believe in integrity.

[Aaron Branch]

He's over here lying to girls, saying how big his penis is, and I don't like it. And I was like, all right, dawg. Like what? He goes, you know what you should do? Take a picture of it. So we actually wrote out a contract in the back of geometry class. Then I was gonna go home and take a picture of my dick. But then I was gonna show this other girl in the class. Cause he didn't wanna see it. Cause he's like, I don't wanna see it. I just wanna just prove the point.

[Chappelle Lacy]

That he wanted to see it.

[Aaron Branch]

Girls also. I don't know.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I think he wanted to see it.

[Aaron Branch]

I don't know. So.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I mean, now everyone wants to see it.

[Aaron Branch]

So then he was.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I'll show you Chappelle. So. Hey, man. Hey, man. So I'm good.

I'm all right. I'm fine.

[Aaron Branch]

So then he's like, I'll give you $20. And I'm like, bet, right? So that night, I go home and I take a picture of my dick next to a ruler, and I take a photo, and then I go to school the next day. It was a good photo, too, if I'm being honest with you. Also, someone said it was the color of a walnut. I thought that was kind of funny.

[Chappelle Lacy]

At that the time fell over a walnut.

[Aaron Branch]

So we get to school. It was, like, first period. And I happened to have class with that kid also, right? And he's like. And the other girl will not say her name was in the class also. So at that point, he was like, well, get the photo out. So I got the photo out, and he grabs my phone and starts showing everybody in the class. Like, every single person literally starts.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I mean, he's really your publicist at this point?

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah. Yeah. This guy is. I think this guy's champion for it. He was one.

[Aaron Branch]

Everybody is like, literally, like, this is a pimp.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah.

[Aaron Branch]

Right? So I'm, like, past. I'm, like, trying to, like, get my phone, like, trying to, like, grab him. Grab.

[Chappelle Lacy]

He's just.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

And then.

[Aaron Branch]

And then he finally just, like, throws it back to me. And I was like, this is, like, really embarrassing right from here. Moving on. As, like, the day went on. That was first period. As the day went on, every single period became, like. I could feel that everybody in the school was talking about this. Like, I would walk down the halls, and I. It was the first time, like, walking in the hall, and, like, every single person was, like, talking, like. And then they would, like, turn around, like, look at me. And I was like, every single person in this hallway is talking about this photo right now. It was one of the most terrifying things, and I was so scared. Like, so scared. And one thing that I forgot to mention earlier also, when I went to homeroom that day, the soccer team wanted to see it. When I was in homeroom. Yeah. All these soccer players were like, we heard you have a photo. It was like, a group of dudes.

[Chappelle Lacy]

No. No, it wasn't.

[Aaron Branch]

I was like, I'm not gonna show you guys.

[Chappelle Lacy]

What soccer team is this, bro?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

And so that's our real story. And you're a person.

[Aaron Branch]

What do you mean?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Because you are just bragging for five years.

This is why I didn't want to tell the story.

[Chappelle Lacy]

How is it?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Are you stupid?

[Aaron Branch]

I didn't want to tell the story.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Idiots. That we can't tell what's happening here. It's like, maybe I just.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I Just talk about my dick bleeding.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

This picture of my tits. And everyone was like, these are the most perfect tits that have ever lived. Everyone look. And I was so embarrassed because everyone was talking about how perfect my tits were. I see you motherfucker. Are you joking? This is not your platform to get laid. This is real entertainment.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I'm sitting here waiting for the tragedy.

[Aaron Branch]

Well, so did so then. Okay, I'll cut to the so then.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I won an award.

[Chappelle Lacy]

It was disgusting, and I hated it.

[Aaron Branch]

Let's hone it in.

[Chappelle Lacy]

All right. We're gonna hold it in.

[Aaron Branch]

It's the end of the day.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Okay.

[Aaron Branch]

And I get called to go to the principal's office. Yeah.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah.

[Aaron Branch]

I get called to go to the principal's office. And at this point, I'm like, this has gone too far. So I'm walking straight from the classroom all the way to the principal's office, and I'm, like, freaking out, and I'm like, oh, my gosh. This is like, the most terrifying thing in the world.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Does the principal make you valedictorian?

[Aaron Branch]

Nice.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Nice, nice.

[Aaron Branch]

We literally get. We get to the principal's office, and he goes, I think you know why you're here. And I was like, yeah, I think I know why I'm here as well. And he goes, here, at our school, we pride ourselves on having less than.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Six inches.

[Aaron Branch]

Of having. Of.

Having a safe environment for our students to be able to thrive.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

And then he goes, is your dick endangering everyone?

[Aaron Branch]

Now, you said last month you found $10 and gave it back to the office, and no one collected it. So we would like to give it directly to you and say thank you for being such a good.

[Chappelle Lacy]

So everyone listen.

[Boost Mobile Announcer]

Your.

[Chappelle Lacy]

All day, and you got $10.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

You got positive bullied, and then you got fucking paid. Well, no.

[Aaron Branch]

Get the fuck out.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Get out. It was a mu.

[Aaron Branch]

It was horrible.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Oh, I'm sorry about you.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Terrible trauma. It was horrible.

[Aaron Branch]

I don't think you guys understand what that funny does.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You know what makes me mad is you was trying to connect with me, bro. You like, man, I got you. I got another story for you.

[Aaron Branch]

It was horrible, man. It was horrible.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Sounds like a W to me.

[Aaron Branch]

Oh, dude, it was horrible.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Horrible. Really?

[Aaron Branch]

I still carry that trauma with me.

[Boost Mobile Announcer]

Have you ever.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I mean, this is. I don't even know what to do with you right now.

[Chappelle Lacy]

They saw my dick. I'll try.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

And they said it was amazing. And then everyone couldn't believe how amazing.

[Chappelle Lacy]

It was talking about it.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Everywhere I went, everyone was like, that's the Guy who gave me.

My principal, sir. And he gave me money. Cause my dick was so beautiful.

[Chappelle Lacy]

$10 for 10 inches.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I hope you get slapped by a therapist, dude.

[Chappelle Lacy]

All right. Come on, man.

[Aaron Branch]

I thought this was therapy, man.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Give me a real run.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I wish you would have told me your story before we left.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

This is some real trauma. You are losing us fast.

[Aaron Branch]

I got one more.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

If it's about how perfect your asshole is, I don't wanna know.

[Aaron Branch]

It's all about Pete Diddy's house.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Oh, my God.

[Aaron Branch]

No.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Okay.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I got one.

[Aaron Branch]

I got one.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Okay.

[Aaron Branch]

I went to school in Chicago.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

You want me back?

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah.

[Aaron Branch]

I went to school in Chicago.

[Chappelle Lacy]

There we go.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Okay.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I.

[Aaron Branch]

In my dorm, I was really. I got along with, like, the security guards. Because they kind of remind me of, like, I don't know, members of, like, my church. Like, members of, like, you know, Kansas City at Large, right? So they loved me. And I look like a boy now. I look like a little boy when I was, like, 18 years old. So whenever.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

According to your grandmother. I know, right?

[Chappelle Lacy]

Yeah.

[Aaron Branch]

So whenever I would come into the dorms, they would all be like, hi, Aaron. How's it going, Aaron? Like, how's your day? Like, it was a very sweet, very, like, wholesome experience. If.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Honey. They knew what he was carrying.

[Aaron Branch]

All right, so when I was. So St. Patrick's Day is one of the biggest celebrations in America. In Chicago, like, it's, like, massive. Everyone's there. I get absolutely obliterated. Probably at the time, the drunkest I had ever been ever in my life, right? And so me and my friends are outside of the dorm, and we're, like, drunk, laughing, having a good time. And one of the security guards is outside and sees me and what she yelled at me, I'll never forget. She goes, I thought you was good, but you bad just like everybody else. And then cut me out of her life. Never talk to me again because she saw me drunk.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I hate you.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

What?

[Chappelle Lacy]

I hate your stories, bro.

[Aaron Branch]

What, man?

[Chappelle Lacy]

I hate your bro. I literally, I opened up my heart talking about bro. I talked about my dick bleeding, bro.

[Aaron Branch]

I know, dog.

[Chappelle Lacy]

A security guard said, I hate you.

[Aaron Branch]

I know, man.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Because she thought you were so great originally.

You're an egomate, right? Has anyone ever told you that?

And because I got drunk one time, now she doesn't like me anymore. I've been such an amazing guy up until then.

Have you ever experienced anything bad?

[Aaron Branch]

I've experienced a lot of bad things.

[Chappelle Lacy]

His idea of bad is crazy.

[Aaron Branch]

What's your story then? What's your story? What do you mean, what's your story?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I've shit myself in the road. I had an orgasm in front of 6,000 farmers. All right? I got hung upside down on a bungee on national television in minus 5 degrees dressed like Santa's helping elf. And then snot came out of my nose in a long two foot line and was swinging back and forth while I'm trying to read a teleprompter upside down. Motherfucker.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You're right. You been out here living life. You've been out here living life.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I broke my ass falling down some stairs.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Oh, you did?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

I broke my ass like a tailbone. Yeah. And then I had to sit on this kind of like rubber ring for three months at nice events and dinners and like Vogue and GQ dinners where everyone thought I had done so much anal that I had run myself through. Okay, all right. Okay, okay.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Aaron, listen. Aaron. I hate you, bro.

I hate you so much.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

This has been the most amazing, chaotic episode.

[Aaron Branch]

You know what?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

No, but genuinely, thank you for sharing.

[Aaron Branch]

Of course.

Thank you. And I see you also. Queen.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

We'll be right back after the fucking break.

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[Chappelle Lacy]

So good.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

So good.

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[Aaron Branch]

Because there's always something new.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I'm giving all the gifts this year.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

With that extra 5% off when I.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Use my Nordstrom credit card.

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[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah.

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[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

And we are back. Okay, hanging by a thread. Frankly, it's been a tense time, but we're all still friends. We always end this show with an item called Misery Loves Company, where our wonderful listeners write in about their moments, their actual moments of trauma. Aaron. Okay, so this one is from Jessica. She said, I. I had a single date with the hottest guy in college. We were at a restaurant for hours, and he told me a number of times how nice it was to be with someone so smart, which felt amazing. He sounds like a bit of a cock, but okay. So he told me all about his parents and his sister who's deaf. And apparently my follow up question of so does she read Braille?

Didn't go over so well. He asked for the check, put down his half, and basically got the fuck out as soon as he could.

[Aaron Branch]

But does she?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

What? She's deaf.

[Chappelle Lacy]

She's dead. She not blind, bro.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

All of his fault.

[Chappelle Lacy]

She can't do audiobooks, bro.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

It's not his fault, Chappelle. All of his blood has gone to his dick.

[Chappelle Lacy]

I know. Yeah, yeah.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

In his brain. Yeah. That's why you're fast. Nothing's happening. Yeah.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Wow. Is she?

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

What? Jessica, that's a fucking amazing story. That's crazy. That is the most extraordinary moment of foot in mouth disease. And I love it so much.

[Chappelle Lacy]

And the fact that he paid his half.

[Aaron Branch]

Yeah, he said, I'm getting out.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

After being told how smart you are to ask the dumbest question possible, they got confused. Exceptional, exceptional work, Jessica. Round of applause for Jessica Claves.

All right, well, that has been it for today. This has been exceptional. I feel like I know you both so intimately and I am thrilled to finally met you both because I think you're both fucking hilarious and such a good time. Can you tell everyone where they can find you and hear you and anything.

[Chappelle Lacy]

You want to promote Chappelle, Everything is at Chappelle Lacy, at Chappelle Lacey, on everything.

[Aaron Branch]

So it's Branch boy comedy on TikTok.

[Chappelle Lacy]

And then Aaron Branch, big dick comedy.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Monster Cop.

[Aaron Branch]

I will show you.

Instagram, TikTok, all that stuff. Always on tour. Come check out our show.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Yeah, great. All right, well, from. Yeah, I'm not gonna say that. That's really inappropriate.

I adore you both. Thank you so much for coming.

[Chappelle Lacy]

Thank you so much. Thank you for having us.

[Aaron Branch]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

That was so fun.

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own wrong turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com you can find full length videos of our episodes on YouTube. And don't forget to subscribe like review wherever you get your podcasts and tell your friends about us. And it's if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. I'm going to off now. Bye.

Hola.

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[Host (Jameela Jamil)]

Check out these boots.

[Aaron Branch]

They've got the best gifts.

[Chappelle Lacy]

My holiday shopping hack join the Nordiclobe.

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