Jameela Jamil (2:33)

And then the universe reacted so appallingly that it killed millions of people. Just to stop that from happening, maybe we should just avoid each other and stick to Zoom. Also joining me today, she's appeared in Claws, English Teacher and Dead Boy Detectives and Justified. It's only Jen fucking Lyon.

Jen Lyon (2:52)

Hello. How, how, how, how.

Jameela Jamil (2:55)

So, you two pals?

Taran Killam (2:57)

Yeah, we like each other a lot.

Jen Lyon (2:58)

Gosh, I like him so much that I have to try to, like, play hard to get a little bit on set because I always want to, like, knock on his door and be like, what are you doing?

Taran Killam (3:05)

That's why she lives in New York. I keep trying to get her to move out west. I own every text exchange with, hey, move to la.

Jameela Jamil (3:12)

We're learning quickly that Taryn is a big old beg friend in the best.

Taran Killam (3:16)

I just want to be a friend.

Jen Lyon (3:17)

Such a social butterfly.

Taran Killam (3:19)

Please.

Jameela Jamil (3:20)

Yeah, Taryn, you came on my last two podcasts, but I don't know if you know this. We had to can your last episode. Did you know that?

Taran Killam (3:28)

What did I do?

Jameela Jamil (3:30)

It wasn't you. And we're not going to name on the counter. No, it wasn't me.

Taran Killam (3:37)

Summit podcasting and saying stuff.

Jameela Jamil (3:39)

Yeah, exactly. That's what it was. No, it wasn't you. I don't know if you remember this, but there was another comedian whom we shall not name who went rogue on that episode. This is when I used to host the podcast Bad Dates. He used his entire episode to fat shame his date and talk about her quote unquote neck meat and all these other things and how big her appetite was. And the three of us, it was you, me, and Sarah Tiana, and him and all of our assholes collectively just went. And none of us knew what to do because we hate. We hated it. And it was so mean and unfunny and the opposite of all of our three things. Types of sense of humor.

Jen Lyon (4:21)

Yeah. Did he not know you at all?

Jameela Jamil (4:23)

Or your autism or whatever. It was crazy. So then, just to rescue all of us, I had to bury that episode in the asshole graveyard. But I'm sorry. And that was a huge wrong turn from me because we missed out on your fabulous stories. And so I say that just to be like, jen, don't fuck this up for me, all right? I want to be able to put Taryn out.

Jen Lyon (4:43)

I got a story about Batgirl, you guys. Yeah.

Taran Killam (4:48)

God, that's so funny. I'm pretty sure I know who you're talking About. Because that was not an isolated incident.

Jameela Jamil (4:55)

No, no, no. And also, by the way, because we didn't laugh because we were all horrified collectively as to what was happening. He then was horrific for the rest of the episode. Just, like, very unkind, uncool. So thank you for coming back, even though I didn't get the best of you. But I'm so happy to have another chance. And this is a much happier, kinder crowd, given that this is a podcast about disaster. How do you two feel you fare through the world? Is it something that hunts you down or you're able to narrowly avoid? Jen,

Jen Lyon (5:32)

I tend to be a little bit of a magnet for weird disaster, but I've narrowly escaped the more massive tragedies. Like Taryn's whole house burned down.

Taran Killam (5:44)

Yeah, that was real. Real.

BetterHelp Announcer (5:46)

Yeah.

Taran Killam (5:46)

And I don't even care because you guys wanted to. Yeah, she's a little bit country and I'm a little bit rock and roll.

Jameela Jamil (5:55)

Would you say that outside of that, would you consider yourself a man who disaster is drawn to?

Taran Killam (6:03)

No. I think I walk down the street looking four and five people ahead, if that makes sense. Like a kind of remove myself before the opportunity of disaster ever happens.

Jameela Jamil (6:16)

Is that from disasters when you were younger? So now you've learned to be cautious, or do you want to know what

Taran Killam (6:22)

I really accredit a lot of it to love growing up?

Jameela Jamil (6:25)

Please. We all need to learn.

Taran Killam (6:27)

You're going to hate this answer, though. Playing a lot of video games.

Jameela Jamil (6:31)

Why would I hate that answer?

Jen Lyon (6:34)

I hate it.

Jameela Jamil (6:36)

Yes. I knew they'd fight.

Taran Killam (6:38)

It makes sense if you. If you spare 30 seconds, it makes sense because what you're doing is you're removing yourself. Like, my actual self is not in harm's way or in danger, but I'm constantly scanning the screen, scanning the angles, scanning all things. How do I avoid the death of my avatar? How do I avoid crashing into being zapped by being bitten at? And I think that's a big part of it. And I really directly apply that a lot when I drive.

Jameela Jamil (7:06)

Right. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I played a lot of video games and I still shit myself in public several times. But that's cool for you.

Taran Killam (7:14)

Taran, that just sounds like you play a lot of Sims.

Jameela Jamil (7:18)

I like to start the show off with some. Well, I just like to lube people up with some micro humiliations. Taran, would you offer us one kindly, just like a small sample of some of the embarrassments you might have faced in this life?

Taran Killam (7:32)

Yeah, there's a real good one. And I'M only using it because it also includes a brag for myself. But I was in Hamilton and I got to play King George iii. And it was one of, like the greatest honors jobs, like contest winning experiences of my life. They would do this wonderful thing called Eduham, which is we would do a matinee show, and they'd fill the theater with high school kids, like local New York, New Jersey high school kids, and, you know, charge them $10 a ticket or something like that. And all they had to do was do a report on the American Revolution. Each school would pick their best sort of sketch or performance, and it had to be like a little three to five minute performance. So you got to watch these high school kids, and it was really great. They'd do this, these sketches. Basically they'd go to lunch and they'd come back and we would do the show for them. So it was always like, wait.

Jen Lyon (8:29)

So they would do the sketches on

Taran Killam (8:30)

stage, do it on stage at the theater. It was such a great experience. And each of those performances felt especially charge, like a little extra pressure. And there's always pressure because people would spend their life savings or people would. It was everybody's. It still is everybody's favorite musical ever. And there was one time, you know, the King sings the same song three times. And there was one time where I went up, where I just totally blanked. I blanked on the lyrics. And it's like, remember, we made an arrangement when you went away. And I really rolled my arson arrangement, which I didn't always do. And this exact thought was what I was having. And I just went, we made an arrangement when you went away and 1300 high school kids just went like, oh, And laughed so hard. Which, like, I couldn't be too down on myself about. But oh, God. Because everybody knows every lyric to Hamilton by this point. And I went backstage and just. Everybody just gave me shit for it. Rightfully so.

Jameela Jamil (9:36)

Teenagers are the most brutal possible crowd.

Taran Killam (9:38)

Yes. The best judges, the most humbling judges in the world. And I shared this story with Andrew Rannells, who had played the King two. And he's like, I wish you'd told me this story before you did it. Because my trick, I went up all the time, and my trick is you keep moving your mouth so people just think the mic went out.

Jameela Jamil (9:54)

Oh, that's amazing. Blame it on the tech, dude. I love to throw someone else up.

Taran Killam (9:59)

Isn't that so funny? Isn't that so funny?

Jameela Jamil (10:01)

That's fantastic. It's so weird that you would forget that Given at the start of this podcast, before we'd even started recording. Apropos of nothing, you recited literally all of the lyrics from Timber by pitbull and featuring ke$. Yeah, you. Which we're going to cut to now.

Taran Killam (10:22)

It's about to go down. Swing your partner round and round and the night it's going down. One more shot, another round. End of the night, I'm going down, I'm yelling, you better move, you won't remember I'll be the one you won't forget. Oh, oh, oh, oh, you won't forget.

Jameela Jamil (10:38)

And we're back. That was Taryn perfectly remembering a song that he probably hasn't had for 13 years, but couldn't remember his lines in the biggest play of our generation.

Taran Killam (10:48)

That's how my brain works.

Jameela Jamil (10:50)

Yeah. Yeah, you poor bastard. I've not frozen in quite that way. Jen, what about you?

Jen Lyon (10:56)

Woof. I mean, they call it the white page when you're doing a play because, like, all of a sudden the script is just gone and you're looking at a white page. It happened to me once. I was doing a production of His Girl Friday, and there's a lot of, like, answering the phones, talking to people that aren't there, then typing and then doing stuff. And I white paged then, and that was really scary. And somebody had to go knock, knock, knock from, like, off stage. And it sort of like, jarred me back into where I was supposed to be.

Jameela Jamil (11:21)

But it was, yeah, I can't be trusted in that situation. I've been asked a few times to do a TED Talk, or I've been asked sometimes to do a play. And it's my exact fear of that happening to me, my certainty that that will happen to me, that stops me because I don't have any improvisational skills whatsoever. I'll just start swearing and saying, like, possibly even slurs out of anxiety, like, I have no idea. It's game, like, game over. That's so fascinating because all bets are off.

Taran Killam (11:53)

Obviously a very accomplished host. You're making all of this up on

Jameela Jamil (11:56)

the spot, but I can do that. But if I have a script that I have to say and I forget it, it's fuck, cunt, shit, bollocks, Spider Man's anal.

Jen Lyon (12:09)

And you're just saying spider Man's anal? Yeah.

Jameela Jamil (12:11)

My boyfriend's pointed out to me that as soon as I become socially uncomfortable, he's aware because I start saying a lot of expletives and becoming very sexual and inappropriate in front of everyone. And he said it's because you're uncomfortable. You want to drag everyone to that same place of discomfort so that you're not lonely. And I would do that with a crowd of 1300 children and then be arrested, so.

Taran Killam (12:36)

Well, these are New York kids, so they've heard it all.

Jameela Jamil (12:39)

Yeah, 100%.

Jen Lyon (12:40)

But also, you could get, like, an Al Pacino earwig and just wear it in there, and they'll feed you the lines.

Jameela Jamil (12:45)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do that. And now everyone will know that that's what's going on. Thank you for that, Jen. Jen, what about you? Any micro humiliations for us?

Jen Lyon (12:54)

Yeah, this involves nicknames, but I would just say I had a zest for learning. That sort of made me be like, a teacher you forgot to take up our homework. Kind of energy that a lot of people didn't appreciate. And there were these girls that were, like, really mean to me, and they gave me the nickname Majestic Lemon, which sounds nice, but it isn't, because the lemon was because I had yellow hair and I was very round. And the majestic part was because they thought I thought I was better than everybody else. Did you.

Jameela Jamil (13:23)

You can just tell us. That's a yes.

Jen Lyon (13:26)

I thought I was a better reader than everybody else. I was like, I got this cold read down fucking pat. Nobody can get me on reading. So it was like the fourth grade. So whenever the teacher was like, does anybody want to read this chapter aloud? Like, I would break my own arm raising my hand. I wanted to real bad because I knew I had a gift. And we were reading about natural disasters, and I came across the word debris, and I accidentally said, derbis. And everybody was like, derbis. And then they called me Durbis instead of Majestic Lemon. And I was like, this will not be my last nickname. So I just kept volunteering to, like, raise my hand and stuff. And. But the very next time I did it, we were reading about ancient Egypt and, like, mummification and everything, you know, like you do. And it was the last word of a paragraph, and it said, and it was the tomb of. And I saw this word that I'd seen so many times, and I thought was the coolest word that I could say. And I said, tutu tankamen. And the teacher said, it's Tutankhamun. And everybody.

Taran Killam (14:27)

I was like, too tight.

Jen Lyon (14:29)

And so it went from Majestic lemon to dirt. And how old were you, however old you are in, like, fourth grade, babe.

Jameela Jamil (14:37)

That feels huge. That is huge. At nine years old. And also, how crazy to miss Majestic Lemon.

Jen Lyon (14:46)

I know, exactly. I was like, I Should have been grateful because now I'm too tired.

Jameela Jamil (14:50)

Yeah, yeah. I was called. I mean, this is a slur, but it's fine because, like, it's my own slur. I was called fat at school, and I was so neglected at school that when people said it, I'd be like, she knows my name. I. It was the only thing that. Literally, the only time I felt seen was when I got racially abused. Secondary school, dude.

Jen Lyon (15:17)

These two girls that were so mean to me said to me one time we were in the hall, and this was so devastating, but it was also so clever that I just loved it. They said, you think you're hot snot on a silver platter, but you're just a cold booger on a paper platter. Play.

Taran Killam (15:31)

Dang. That's a real, like, southern burn because

Jameela Jamil (15:36)

it's so tame and yet so brutal. It's like being murdered with a blunt knife. Yeah.

Taran Killam (15:42)

Yeah.

Jen Lyon (15:43)

Yes.

Taran Killam (15:43)

They're masters of simile down there.

Jen Lyon (15:45)

They are. And I. And I kept it forever. I was like, this is, like, a bad review. Like, I just. It's in there. But also because I don't learn the lesson. I'm like, I'm still a nerd who, like, really wants to get an A. Yeah.

Jameela Jamil (15:58)

Yeah.

Jen Lyon (15:58)

You know?

Jameela Jamil (15:59)

Yeah. That's fair.

Taran Killam (16:00)

Very satisfied with a C plus. Very. My life motto is good enough.

Jameela Jamil (16:06)

Yeah. Lovely. And that's why you're happier than me and Jen combined. 100.

Taran Killam (16:10)

That's my video games.

Jen Lyon (16:13)

Yeah.

Jameela Jamil (16:14)

Thank God we're not in school anymore. What a fucking terrible time.

Ryan Reynolds (16:17)

School.

Taran Killam (16:18)

Not for me. My God, for me.

Jameela Jamil (16:20)

And now kids, like, during the pandemic, kids got bullied like that over Zoom. Can you imagine?

Jen Lyon (16:25)

No.

Jameela Jamil (16:26)

It's even fucking worse. God bless adulthood. We'll be right back after the break.

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Jameela Jamil (18:45)

And we are back. Okay, it's time for everyone's big wrong turns. Taron, you're up first.

Taran Killam (18:53)

Okay. This is by far the most embarrassed I've ever felt in my life. And it's because I was so emotionally raw and vulnerable and excited and surrounded by heroes. When I was 19 years old, I was fortunate enough to be cast as a featured cast member on MADtv, which is a sketch show out here that was sort of up against SNL and the year is 2001. And like the most listened to albums in my three disc CD Changer were Daft Punk's Discovery, Gorilla's first album, and the Tenacious D album. And with it wasn't even a competition that the Tenacious D album was my absolute favorite, full listen, start to finish album ever and is still ranked very high in my life. Yeah, Tenacious D comes to play on MAD TV and I'm losing my mind. This is how excited I was. This is a side note. This has nothing to do with my actual experience. They would have a musical guest perform and they'd bring in an audience like you do for any kind of sitcom television taping. I requested to sit in the front row of the television audience on the show I was working on so that I could watch them. Guys, this is, this is so embarrassing to watch them Play rock your socks off. I don't know if you know that song. Look it up. Yes, Jen. I took off my socks during the performance so I could throw my socks at them afterwards. I'm. This is my day job. This is my job. I'm paid to be there. I know, and I'm already just.

Jameela Jamil (20:30)

How are your other, like, colleagues responding at how uncool you're being?

Jen Lyon (20:34)

What's Bobby Lee doing?

Taran Killam (20:35)

Trying to get laid.

Jameela Jamil (20:40)

A plus for consistency throughout life. Bobby Lewis.

Karim (20:43)

Yes.

Taran Killam (20:44)

Yeah. Showing his naked belly and trying to get laid. Simultaneous, not mutually exclusive.

Jen Lyon (20:51)

Yeah.

Taran Killam (20:52)

Like, the only one that was like, Will Sasso was awesome and was a pal. Still is. He would bring me into his dressing room because he loved the album, too. And he'd play guitar and we'd sing Tenacious D songs. Like, I was so deeply in it. Okay, so here's the real story. A writer on Mad television, Michael Hitchcock, who you've seen in a million things. He's in all the Christopher Guest films he's in waiting for. He's. He's brilliant. He's. He's such a kind man. Really, like, looked out for this young, full of energy, idiot kid. And he's like, oh, I know Jack Black a little bit. You know, I'll introduce you because I know you're so excited. I'm like, thank you, thank you, thank you. This is the best. Oh, my God, I can't believe I have this job. I can't believe I'm alive. This is the best thing in my life. So before they show up, they have, like, a, you know, their own, like, green room, dressing room. And Michael Hitchcock walks me in and Jack Black sitting crisscross applesauce on the floor, signing vinyls of the album with, like, a silver pen. Kyle Gass is there chatting up, like, their managers there and, like, a couple friends. And this is an important detail. The musicians who recorded on the album are called the Tenacious D All Stars, and they're, like, the best studio musicians in the world. Like, rock stars. And so much so that the drummer on the Tenacious D album is Dave Grohl. Dave Grohl of Nirvana and Foo Fighters fan.

Jameela Jamil (22:12)

Jesus Christ.

Taran Killam (22:13)

It's. I walk in, Michael goes, hey, Jack, Good to see you. How are you? Jack's like, hey, what's going on, buddy? Great to see you. And Michael goes, this is Taran Killam. He's our youngest cast member. He's 19 years old. He's a huge fan. And I'm like, it's so nice to meet you. I love this album. Everything you do. I love you. And he's like, whoa, nice to meet you, buddy. 19 When I was your age, you know? And we laugh, we chuckle. It's going great. I'm meeting like true hero. And Michael and Jack start talking and chatting and Dave Grohl walks into this dressing room area and I'm flipping out and I kind of like turn around and by the time I turn back, like Michael Hitchcock's moved on to a different conversation. I sit down on this teeny, teeny little like two seater love sofa just to take it all in. Dave Grohl walks over, says hi to Kyle, to Jack, to the manager, and sits down right next to me. And I'm. I'm losing my. Like, I can't handle, like I'm. I know I'm shaking.

Jameela Jamil (23:11)

I know it's actually hard not to be erect just out of like emotional excitement, you know what I mean? Even if it's like, I've got a boner.

Jen Lyon (23:19)

Just listening to the boner humor plays

Taran Killam (23:21)

into this story very directly.

Jen Lyon (23:23)

Oh, God.

Taran Killam (23:24)

I'm listening to Dave Grohl talk about a property he has, like a ranch in Virginia, West Virginia, something like that. And he's like, yeah, I've been spending a lot of time out there. It's great. I look up and Mike Hitchcock is leaving the room. Like my. I'm the plus one of this guy who vouched for me and he's. He's leaving the room and I can't pull myself away. I refuse. So I'm sitting, like elbows in, knees together, as tightly listening to Dave Grohl talk about his beautiful ranch. And he gets onto the topic of barbecuing and he's like, I mean, I'm just telling you, like the beef they have out there, we just have the best time. We'll grill all day. And it's very apparent I'm eavesdropping. And Dave Grohl, to his credit, a frickin mensch, kind of includes me in the conversation. Like, starts kind of like turning to me and incorporating me, and I'm just like smiling like a bobblehead and just like saying nothing. And he's like, I mean, honestly, like just the other day we were grilling T bones, like these huge T bones, like huge, big as your face. And he turns to me and he goes, like, literally this big. And this is what I decide to say. I go, wouldn't know, Wasn't invited. Just already scrambling. I'm already underwater. Just trying to be funny and, And Dave again. He's like, oh, man. Well, next time, man. Well, next time.

Jameela Jamil (24:39)

Oh, it's terrible when they're really nice about.

Taran Killam (24:42)

So nice. And I go, I wish I could come, but unfortunately, I'm not legally allowed in the state of Virginia. And he goes, and now I see his eyes dimming a bit. And he goes, oh, really? Why's that, man? And I go, well, let's just say it has something to do with sodomy and cows. No, no laugh. No laugh. I'm scrambled. I'm desperate. I'm in it. I'm. I'm the worst.

Jameela Jamil (25:08)

Where did that come from?

Taran Killam (25:10)

Panic dumb boy. Panic brain.

Jameela Jamil (25:13)

No, this is the same place.

Jen Lyon (25:15)

Spider man anal.

Jameela Jamil (25:16)

This is what I was about to say. That is where I go on stage.

Taran Killam (25:21)

I didn't finish there because it's gotten no laugh. So I push and I go, yeah, but let's. And this. This I like. They'll put this on my. On my tombstone because, like, it's such a shameful. It doesn't. We'll break it down together. I say, but let's just say it did wonders for growth, as in it

Jameela Jamil (25:40)

made your penis bigger.

Taran Killam (25:42)

I think that's the logic. I was desperately pulling.

Jameela Jamil (25:44)

Like, you exercised your cock.

Taran Killam (25:47)

Same one.

Jameela Jamil (25:48)

And then it grew muscles.

Taran Killam (25:49)

You're there.

Jameela Jamil (25:50)

And then got bigger.

Taran Killam (25:52)

Oh, you know the science as well.

Jameela Jamil (25:53)

Yeah.

Jen Lyon (25:55)

I thought you possibly meant, like, the GDP of Virginia. Like, I don't. I was like, there's something.

Taran Killam (26:00)

No, no. In my brain. Having anal sex with a cow is gonna be hilarious. And to try to save face because I'm just shaming myself in front of the drummer of Nirvana. And I go, but my penis is bigger and it's. All of it's wrong. And Dave Grohl has given me three strikes, very generously, but now it's like, okay, man. And fully turns his back to me, like, fully. Like, you're out of the conversation. I still can't get up. Now I'm frozen in just absolute mortified shame. And now Michael McDonald walks in. Michael McDonald was, like the star of Mad TV at the time. He did this character, Stewart. I mean, brilliantly funny performer and was the top dog alpha. He walks in with one of the Mad TV producers, and he walks up, he's like, hey, Jack, we love that you're here. We want to get you in a sketch. We wanted to run some ideas by you. And Michael McDonald looks over and sees me and goes, what's Taran doing in here? And everyone in the room stops talking and looks at me. And Jack Black goes, yeah, you can kind of tell he's not with the band. And everybody laughs uproariously. And I let the laughter die. I let conversations resume. I wait two beats, seats, and I stand and I slink out of this dressing room, never to forgive myself in my lifetime. It was.

Jameela Jamil (27:19)

Oh, my God, it was so bad. Also, it must have felt like it was going on for, like, an hour.

Taran Killam (27:26)

It might still be so dramatic when

Jameela Jamil (27:28)

you just can't stop, like, digging and digging and digging and it's just getting worse. And also, at that age, we only think shock humor.

Karim (27:37)

Yes.

Jameela Jamil (27:37)

Like, we think it's hilarious because that's what we find funny when we're teenagers.

Taran Killam (27:41)

In the car with your friends and

Jameela Jamil (27:43)

you're using it to try and sound grown up and cool. I totally.

Jen Lyon (27:47)

And also, Tenacious D is full of jokes and.

Taran Killam (27:50)

Fuck him.

Jen Lyon (27:51)

I mean, come on. Push ups.

Taran Killam (27:53)

No, it was rough. It was rough. It was really rough.

Jameela Jamil (27:57)

I would have loved it if you just tripled down and just stayed in the room until, like, late that night, until everyone, like, Last Man Standing didn't go on, the show just stayed.

Taran Killam (28:07)

Sunsets, moon rises, moon sets. That sunrise is like calendar pages. He's just. Cobwebs grow on me. Yeah, it was so. It was so bad. And I, I, I retold this to Michael Hitchcock immediately, and he was very kind and was like, no, I'm sure it's fine. Don't worry about it. But the more I told him, he's like, it happens. Tarek clearly saying, in a way.

Jen Lyon (28:32)

Did you think about, like, apologizing later? Like, what? Did you. Or were you, like, this is a done deal?

Taran Killam (28:40)

I've crossed paths with both of the two heroes, Jack Black and Dave in the back. Like, Dave, I think I've always imagined a scenario where maybe I would be working with Jack Black and I could, comedian to comedian, kind of regale him, and we'd have a laugh. There's no value in me ever reconfirming who I am to Dave Grohl. Hey, Dave. Hey, Rockstar. You know what's funny? Hey, hey, we're here at snl.

Jameela Jamil (29:08)

Remember how I told you that fucking an animal made my dick bigger? Remember that?

Taran Killam (29:15)

I'm that guy what has two thumbs and once told you he's not allowed in Virginia for sodomoning cows, which somehow mutated his dick into a larger shape. This guy.

Jameela Jamil (29:27)

I have a theory now about you, Taryn, which is that all of your success, all of it, and it has been tremendous, has been in an effort to atone for that so that you looked cool one day to those men.

Taran Killam (29:40)

Without a doubt, a hundred percent.

Jameela Jamil (29:42)

That's why what drove you to snl. It's what drove you to all of your films. Like it's driven you all the way to the Wrong Turns podcast. Just to prove. And I'm sure that Jack Black and Dave Grohl are listening right now. And I just want to let them know you made it. You're a big fucking deal. You belong in that room now. Mate with it.

Jen Lyon (30:02)

With. Eat that, Dave Grohl.

Taran Killam (30:04)

I'm. I'm okay with your tiny success with my just very, very normal penis that created two miracle women. I'm doing just fine.

Jen Lyon (30:15)

Yeah.

Jameela Jamil (30:16)

Oh, God.

Jen Lyon (30:17)

Can I ask a question? Why didn't you just turn it time for your story. Why didn't you just. The cow in the. Why'd you have to.

Taran Killam (30:25)

It's a question. That's a great question.

Jameela Jamil (30:28)

You should be hosting this.

Jen Lyon (30:29)

I'll take my answers off here.

Jameela Jamil (30:30)

Yeah.

Taran Killam (30:32)

Again. 19 year old boy. That's how the audience figured all that out. All the way.

Jameela Jamil (30:36)

Yet quite honestly, it's giving breasts feel like bags of sand.

Taran Killam (30:40)

Yeah, it's exactly. Gotta love squishing. Squishing those bags of sand so firm in your hand.

Jameela Jamil (30:47)

Exactly. We'll be right back after the break.

Monday.com Announcer (30:54)

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Jen Lyon (32:24)

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Jameela Jamil (32:40)

And we are back. All right, Jen, then it's time for your big wrong turn.

Jen Lyon (32:45)

Okay. All right. It's 2004, 2005, she fucked a horse

Jameela Jamil (32:50)

and it made her tighter, which is crazy.

Taran Killam (32:53)

Still three years deep into shame.

Jen Lyon (32:56)

Yeah. And you'll appreciate this, Jamila, because it is the height of low carb and Atkins.

BetterHelp Announcer (33:04)

Sure.

Jen Lyon (33:05)

It's like. And I was deep in it. I've had like crazy eating disorders and food all my life. But like, this was like the height of.

Jameela Jamil (33:14)

It's when everyone had metallic breath. Do you remember? Just the smell of the girls bathroom. It was awful.

Jen Lyon (33:20)

And carrots were an enemy. Do you know what I mean? Like fruit. All these things were just very wrong. And I had just booked my first professional job. I was out of college in New York at a theater in Philadelphia doing a musical about the life of Henry James. And Jesse Tyler Ferguson was in. It was very cute musical. And because I was low carb and just eating chicken and meats all the time, I really had like a sweets craving. But nothing to satisfy it with. And then it was like sugar free candy had just come out. Diabetics will be like, bitch. It had not just come out, but it had just come out to us,

Jameela Jamil (34:01)

the eating disorder community of the eating disorder community.

Jen Lyon (34:05)

And it's full of a substance called malitol, which the Latin Taran prefix mal. It's like evil and bad in Gungan.

Taran Killam (34:14)

It's.

Jen Lyon (34:17)

Well, that was close to what was happening for me. So I ate a metric shit ton of sugar free candy before I went on stage in this musical. And it takes place in the late 1800s and you're in like corsetry, skirts over skirts, whatever.

BetterHelp Announcer (34:33)

No.

Jen Lyon (34:33)

And I didn't read any of the warnings. I was like, it's candy. How could it hurt me? And I'm singing on stage and I feel like I'm possibly pooping, but I'm also like, am I peeing? Like, am I? Because look, full disclosure. Sometimes when you're a girl, you're like, is this my period? Am I sweating? Like, stuff just happens.

Jameela Jamil (34:55)

Yeah. But also maybe just like, Taryn, you don't know the holes yet.

Taran Killam (34:59)

Yeah, exactly.

Jen Lyon (35:00)

You're just. I was unclear. And then the more I was singing, the more I could feel it like gushing out of me. And I was like, oh, I'm absolutely pooping, but in sort of a liquid way. But then there were also some Other.

Jameela Jamil (35:14)

I refer to it as sheing when you're shitting and urinating at the same time.

Jen Lyon (35:19)

It was. I think I was she and it was uncontrollable. And I was on stage.

Jameela Jamil (35:25)

So. Wait, hang on a second. Was there no, like, pre warning? Like, there was no, like, bubble. There was no, like, you know, just a little. You get a little first.

Ryan Reynolds (35:35)

Yeah.

Jen Lyon (35:35)

I might have had, like, a slight rumble in the tumble, but just like, it wasn't enough to be like. Like, you know, because, like, you get rumbly. Whatever. It's just there you are on an all. But then.

Taran Killam (35:45)

Yeah, so there's.

Jen Lyon (35:47)

I'm on an all means.

Taran Killam (35:49)

That's. That's the bar. That's.

Jen Lyon (35:51)

It's the baseline.

Taran Killam (35:52)

That's your heart rate, to be honest.

Jameela Jamil (35:54)

Yeah. You're so constipated on the Atkins diet that actually it's quite a relief to fart. You're just like, oh, good. It's like, my asshole's still working because.

Jen Lyon (36:03)

Yeah, truly. And the poops you have are so dry that, honestly, this was a paradise. So I was pooping, but I had on tights and high boots. Cause it's, you know, the turn of the century. And so the poop and the poop stream was staying contained in my tights, which is fun. And I found a skirt and an over skirt so you couldn't see it yet.

Jameela Jamil (36:26)

Could you smell it?

Jen Lyon (36:27)

And I didn't have to sit. Yes, I could.

Jameela Jamil (36:30)

Yeah.

Jen Lyon (36:31)

But again, many skirts, but I'm, you know. But so then I finish the song and thank God I have, like, five minutes. So I run to my dressing room, I peel off my tights. There's like poo, poo, like, pooling in my boobs.

Taran Killam (36:44)

Oh, my God.

Jen Lyon (36:45)

And I'm just, like, cursing that sugar free candy. And I get off the tights, I, like, clean myself up. I get it. I go back on stage, whatever.

Jameela Jamil (36:51)

What a fucking troupe.

Taran Killam (36:52)

And then show must go on.

Jen Lyon (36:54)

Oh, man, what am I gonna do? I mean, and also, it's my fault, you know, I have a lot of, like, shame about it. And then I, like, squirreled the tights away because I was like, oh, no, the costumers. Cause, you know, you put your stuff in a bag and they wash your things, but this is just pools of, like, mallet.

Taran Killam (37:12)

Is it like neon yellow? Like lemon drippage?

Jameela Jamil (37:17)

What, are you trying to kill me now?

Jen Lyon (37:18)

It's radioactive. It's radioactive. It's like something's going on in there. And I get them. I like, I have to take them home. I like Ruined a purse. I, like, put them in a purse to get them home so I could, like, wash them. And then I came back the next day. I didn't bring them with because there was, like, nothing to do. They were ruined. And the costumer was like, hey, what hap. We didn't. Your tights weren't in your little diddy bag. And I was like, probably somebody stole them or needed them or something, you know, like, it was. But I think the real shame was

Taran Killam (37:49)

that's what turned Jesse Tyler Ferguson gay. Girls are drippy and gross.

Jen Lyon (37:56)

They're gross. Yeah. No, Isn't that so gross? So much poo poo. But like it.

Jameela Jamil (38:01)

But contained, if you call it.

Jen Lyon (38:02)

And it was so close to one

Taran Killam (38:04)

more time, I'm gonna kill myself.

Jameela Jamil (38:06)

I think that's what I think. It's just. Oh, my God, that is foul. And I can't believe it happened to you on stage. And I can't believe you kept singing while sheing.

Taran Killam (38:18)

What songs? What are the. Like, I was strolling through the park one day.

Jen Lyon (38:26)

It was a song about how she was using people and, like, trying to be the star of the show. And it was like, I'm using. Taking everything inside, kneading. It was, like, very, like, low and. But just, like, at the same time. So gross. And I never even told Jesse, so I hope he listens and I hope he knows he was on stage with just a poop covered.

Jameela Jamil (38:51)

I think he knew, but nobody.

Taran Killam (38:53)

I think if you could smell it,

Jameela Jamil (38:54)

he could smell it. I think that we think we're getting away with it, but if it reaches your nose, you know, who was the fucking actor who auditioned for Spider Man? And, you know, like, back in the day, you'd have to go and try on the suit and, like, go and do the proper screen test in the suit. It's possible. This is not a famous story, and I'm actually just being really indiscreet about a friend, but all I know is that he had to go and audition for Spider Man. Got down to, like, the final three. He's up against, like, I think Tom Holland for it. And he's unfortunately so nervous. Plus on a harness which is squeezing him in all the places that you must not be squeezed when you're nervous. And so he fully shits into the entire. Like, fills the entire suit and has to keep doing the audition just. And it seals in all the juices. And he's having to fly on the harness. Terrified. It's gonna, like, go around, like.

Taran Killam (39:58)

I'm so afraid because he's gotta go upside down.

Jameela Jamil (40:00)

Yeah, he's gotta go upside down. I know. So now it's going, like, up towards his chest.

Taran Killam (40:05)

His head just. The mast expands like a big.

Jameela Jamil (40:08)

Like he's being park master. Yeah. He's being internally swiveled around in a cyclone, essentially, of his own shit. And then. Didn't get it. And then obviously didn't get the part. Didn't get the part. I know. But didn't get it. But. But as he went back to his trailer, had no choice but to steal the Spider man suit. He stole the suit, and it's property of, you know, Sony Marvel. Yeah. And he just wore it underneath his clothes. He was like, I'm not taking this off. I have no idea what's under here. There wasn't a shower in his trailer. So I think never worked again. Because got a terrible reputation and never told them why and denied it flatly, but fully wore it underneath his clothes and went home and never worked again.

Taran Killam (40:58)

Oh, my God.

Jen Lyon (40:58)

But you know what? Finders

Jameela Jamil (41:02)

100.

Taran Killam (41:03)

My two big takeaways that story are. I'm still a little jealous that he has a Spider man outfit. I'm still, like, kind of. Kind of worth it, even. A shitty Spider Man. And I'm so impressed, Jamila, by you because you are now, like, a soothsayer of podcasts in that you started this by referencing Spider Man's butthole before any of these stories were shared. And you brought it, ma'.

Jen Lyon (41:25)

Am.

Taran Killam (41:26)

Full circle, pun intended.

Jameela Jamil (41:28)

Thank you. Thank you for seeing me back to

Taran Killam (41:30)

a Spider man butthole.

Jen Lyon (41:32)

Yeah.

Jameela Jamil (41:32)

There you go.

Taran Killam (41:33)

Dang.

Jameela Jamil (41:34)

Oh, man.

Taran Killam (41:35)

This is your Beware the Ides of March. Beware the Spider man butthole.

Jameela Jamil (41:44)

You're both so delightful. And thank you for bringing us such innocent tales of youth and insecurity. I can't imagine how many hours of your lives have been spent retracing those moments, thinking of what you could have done differently. Especially you, Tara. And imagining all the things you could have said that would have done. Do you still not think about all the things. Yeah. Or just left when Michael left.

Taran Killam (42:06)

Just leave.

Jameela Jamil (42:06)

Imagine if you just left the room. Just leave.

Taran Killam (42:10)

Just leave.

Jameela Jamil (42:11)

Yeah.

Taran Killam (42:12)

Just Jack Black was like when I was your age. And then you go. And they go like, jack Black's impressed by my accomplishments in my young life.

Jameela Jamil (42:21)

Yeah. No. Leave a tender moment alone. I'd say it's. I'm gonna have PTSD tonight. Staying up, thinking about all the things I wish you'd said other than all of the terrible things you said.

BetterHelp Announcer (42:34)

Yeah.

Jameela Jamil (42:34)

Before we go we always have our kind audience members write in their own tales of woe, and they are always an absolute joy. This one's from Greg. Greg says, when I was in college, my friends and I had a stupid game, always a good start, where we would casually pull a testicle out if we were wearing shorts and see how long it would take for anyone to notice. Wait, do you think they did it over the top or underneath? Because your balls are zipper.

Jen Lyon (43:03)

No, no, like through. Through the shorts. Legs, I bet.

Jameela Jamil (43:06)

Right, right, right. Okay, fine. So I did this one afternoon as we stood talking outside and no one caught it. And after a while I somehow forgot about it until a woman pulled up asking for directions. I told her, and her way of acknowledging my stupidity was to say, and you should really have that checked out. Oh, that is mortifying.

Taran Killam (43:27)

Cool, Cool on Kyra.

Jameela Jamil (43:29)

Absolutely mortifying. But this reminds me of a friend of mine who had a similar game of jumping into other people's photographs whenever they would be taking a sort of group shot on photos. And he was very charming, very handsome and very silly. And he'd jump in and be like, oh, can I, Can I join the photos? And he'd be drunk and they'd be like, yeah, sure. You know, when you're in a holiday spirit, you're like, lol. Rant. Random guy, join the photo. And he would always have pulled his cock out, but no one would ever see it until the phone. And, you know, you'd have to go to, like a photo developer because this was the 90s, so they wouldn't know there was no digital camera for them to be like, oh, let's take that one again. Without the big out.

Taran Killam (44:14)

So because he'd had anal sex with a cow.

Jameela Jamil (44:17)

Yeah, because he ruined Trudy. He ruined Trudy. Thousands of people's holiday photos. But the funniest thing about it to me is that he's now a very successful actor. He is becoming increasingly successful now and lives in terror because it's like, where's Willy? Isn't it really?

Jen Lyon (44:37)

It really is.

BetterHelp Announcer (44:38)

It's.

Jameela Jamil (44:38)

Now, everyone who ever had a random, handsome young man join you for a photo, I need you to go into your photo albums and I need you to search for a cock.

Taran Killam (44:48)

The fact that it will be there

Jameela Jamil (44:50)

in life, at least without being called crazy.

Taran Killam (44:52)

He timed through the Me Too movement because now there's the AI. Excuse me. Now, that's. No, that's AI. That's AI. That's yes.

Jameela Jamil (45:00)

Yeah. But he managed to get past 2015.

Taran Killam (45:03)

Yes.

Jameela Jamil (45:04)

Without anyone bringing that back. Up.

Jen Lyon (45:06)

But that's impressive.

Jameela Jamil (45:08)

But I have this over him forever. But I am begging the public to go through your photo albums from the late 90s through to like 2010 is when I think he stopped this maniacal urgent. So just look for a cock. All right. Where's Willy? The wrong turns edition. Send it in wrongturnspodmail.com we'll cut out his face and just show his cock.

Karim (45:33)

Yes.

Taran Killam (45:34)

In my mind. You want this photo to use as blackmail to get his shitty Spider man costume because it's probably the same guy.

Jameela Jamil (45:42)

Yeah, it's probably the same guy.

Jen Lyon (45:44)

It's the same dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jameela Jamil (45:46)

You're right, Greg. I'm sorry about that. But you fucking had that come on coming.

Taran Killam (45:49)

I did that. I did that at my. I was the best man at my best friend's wedding. And, and me and two of our. We are all college friends. Me and two other college friends in their slideshow. We brained them is what we called it.

Jameela Jamil (46:02)

Is what were you just like left your let your hang out of your zipper.

Taran Killam (46:05)

It's the testicles. Not the shaft.

Jameela Jamil (46:07)

The cock. Ah, yeah.

Taran Killam (46:09)

Because you're a gentleman. The balls out. Balls.

Jen Lyon (46:11)

That's a party.

Taran Killam (46:11)

Come on, let's go. Balls out.

Jameela Jamil (46:13)

Okay, so if anyone also has any photographs from that wedding of Taran.

Taran Killam (46:18)

Yes.

Jameela Jamil (46:19)

Where his ball looks are out on the show, please send them in.

Taran Killam (46:22)

Absolutely. Immediately contacted us immediately. And like some sort of new emotion of shock, horror, anger and like I.

Jen Lyon (46:34)

A secret third thing.

Jameela Jamil (46:35)

Yeah, absolutely ideal. I only want people's balls out in my wedding photos. If there's a single ball in, I'm burning the whole down. Where can people find you? What do you want them to to see and listen to Jen?

Jen Lyon (46:50)

Well, I would like for you to watch Stumble on NBC and Peacock.

Taran Killam (46:55)

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Same goes for me. Same goes for me. I, I, I'm, I'm proud of this show in a way. I have not been proud of many things in my life in a long time. And it's just, it's just my most ideal blend of absolute cartoonish silly humor and really lovely, beautiful, heartfelt sentiment. So I hope you'll give it a shot.

Jameela Jamil (47:19)

And mostly I hope that Dave Grohl and see this show, imagine if they are. This is the full circle that we all deserve. Right? We're heading towards World War 3. We as a people need this. So please come back on if either of them reach out to you.

Taran Killam (47:38)

I promise.

Jameela Jamil (47:40)

Thanks, guys. Lovely to see you.

Taran Killam (47:41)

So fun chatting with you.

BetterHelp Announcer (47:42)

Thank you.

Jameela Jamil (47:43)

Bye. Wrong turns was created and produced by me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own wrong turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com don't forget to subscribe like review wherever you get your podcasts. I have a substack. It's called A Low Desire to Please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now. Bye.

Karim (48:18)

Hi everyone, this is Kareem, the voice of Simon Fairchild from the Magnus archives. And today I want to talk to you about Boost Mobile. Some things quietly drain you like an expensive phone bill, trapping your money month after month. Here's a quick money tip. Stop paying a carrier tax when you bring your own phone and Switch to boost mobile's $25 Unlimited Forever plan. You can unlock up to $600 in savings. That's money that belongs in your life, not trapped in a phone bill. Reclaim those savings for something you're actually into an EMF meter, a thermal camera, or whatever strange corner of the universe you're currently exploring. Visit boostmobile.com to unlock your savings and take back control. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers pay $25 per month as long as they remain active on the Boost Mobile Unlimited plan. Boost Mobile January 2026 survey comparing average annual payments of AT&T, Verizon and T mobile customers to 12 months on the Boost Mobile Unlimited Plan. Full offer details, visit boostmobile.com hey, this

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