Zach Noe Towers and Jacquis Neal

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil – Zach Noe Towers and Jacquis Neal

Release Date: September 11, 2025
Host: Jameela Jamil
Guests: Zach Noe Towers (comedian/actor/writer), Jacquis Neal (comedian/podcaster/actor)

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Episode Overview

This riotously candid episode of “Wrong Turns” is all about epic calamities, embarrassing moments, and the warm, cathartic laughter that comes with sharing your most humiliating stories. Jameela invites hilarious friends Zach Noe Towers and Jacquis Neal to revel in the joy of disasters—no lessons, no takeaways, just pure, undignified schadenfreude. Expect festival meltdowns, accidental public humiliation, and vivid toilet terror, all delivered with reckless abandon.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Theme: Unfiltered Disaster Sharing

• Jameela opens by critiquing the modern obsession with turning every embarrassing story into self-improvement or triumph ("...almost no silver lining ever for me. Like, I never get wiser. I get dumber every year." – Jameela, 00:54).
• The intention: create a space for listeners and guests to feel less alone in their missteps, to laugh and bond over mutual mess.

2. Introductions & Relatability

• Zach is introduced as an actor/comedian soon taping his first special (02:03).
• Jameela jokes about sourcing guests from Grindr; Jacquis quips about not having any app connections in the building, but the running joke is that everyone can use Grindr for something (03:16).

3. The Culture of Failure: Repeated Mistakes

• The trio discuss whether disaster “happens” to them or is self-inflicted.
• Jameela: "I'm not just a victim. I lead myself headfirst into calamity." (04:42)
• Zach reflects on therapy and the benefit of not dwelling on humiliations ("...I like, push them so far down. Like, I just don't focus on them." – 05:22).

4. Micro-Humiliation Stories

Jacquis's Pregnancy Assumption Gone Wrong (06:06)

• As a Container Store employee, Jacquis once asked a woman when she was due. She replied she wasn’t pregnant, and Jacquis, in flustered panic, doubled down: "I'm so sorry. You look pregnant." (07:08)
  • Audience response: horror and hilarity at the escalation.
  • Outcome: She complained, and Jacquis was fired later for unrelated reasons.
• Jameela sheepishly admits to always thinking she’s helping women by removing “something from their face,” which turns out to be permanently attached or part of their body (08:06).

5. Extreme Festival Fails

Zach’s Coachella Odyssey (12:13–20:05)

• Setup: Zach, in his twenties, decides to do every drug possible at Coachella—weed, Adderall, shrooms (found in a fanny pack), and acid ("...the plan was to do all the drugs in one day." – 12:50).
• Drug Sampler:
  • Shroom smoothie for brunch, picked up free shrooms in porta potty (13:08–13:29).
  • Tries to “sober up” with orange juice. Spoiler: it fails (14:16).
• Wrong Turn:
  • Meets an old school acquaintance, learns about a mutual friend’s death while tripping badly (15:32).
  • Attempts to emotionally unload on all his friends, bumming out the entire group (16:10).
  • Friend offers “Snazzle Frass” (designer drug, essentially Molly), described as what older white couples take before therapy (16:40, "If it’s good enough for two white people in their 70s, it’s good enough for me." – 16:57).
  • Experiences numb limbs and chest pain, panics, and hides in a porta potty to die. But the sound of Beyoncé performing outside inspires him to pull himself together and return to life ("...I think she saved my life." – 19:58).
• Panel’s Reaction:
  • Laughter at the sheer volume of “wrong turns” in a single day.
  • Jameela: "That's the most wrong turns we've had on the podcast—one singular thing." (20:05).

Jameela’s Festi-Toilet Trauma

• Locked in a porta potty for over an hour during a Prodigy concert at V Festival, developing claustrophobia, missing the entire show, and nearly fainting (21:23–22:12).

6. Poop Horror: Jacquis’s Lactose Calamity (26:53–35:19)

• Eats an Oreo milkshake before a haircut, triggering lactose intolerance.
• Outlines the accelerating panic: driving home, clenching desperately, unbuckling belt and pants, standing while driving.
• Arrives at his building, encounters the “hottest person” in his elevator while seconds from disaster.
• Loses control just as he exits the elevator, throws away his clothes, and winds up sobbing on the phone to his mom.
  • "At this point, I couldn’t even clench no more, man. It’s just coming." (33:33)
• Reflection: His biggest mistake was not using the bathroom at the barbershop, but doing so would’ve made him a barbershop legend—for the wrong reasons.
• Jameela: "I think that's one of the cutest shit-myself stories I've ever heard." (36:08)

7. Listener Story and School Day Revenge (38:43–43:57)

• Listener: Rushed into a club bathroom so fast that they slipped in vomit, lost control, and wet themselves—an instant dose of karma for line-cutting.
• Jameela: Recalls being shunned by an “arranged friendship” at school, only for the girl who snubbed her to slip in sick and end up humiliated—while Jameela (per request) refused to help her up.
  • "Per your instructions – I was like, I’m sorry, I don’t know you." (43:15)
  • Finds poetic justice after years of bullying, feeling, if not popular, at least the favorite of cosmic forces: "From that moment, I knew that while I would be friendless for the next eight years, I was God’s favorite." (43:27)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jameela: "Disaster has been chasing me my entire life, and I'm not faster. So it's just caught up with me constantly." (00:54)
• Jacquis: "I am the villain in this person's story. 100%." (07:16)
• Zach: "We started off the day, the plan was to do all the drugs in one day." (12:50)
• Jameela, on mishaps: “I keep going. I'm not a quitter.”
• Zach, on finding "therapy" in drugs: "If it’s good enough for two white people in their 70s, it’s good enough for me." (16:57)
• Zach, demoralized in the porta potty: “I locked myself in a porta potty... they’ll find my body on day three. It’ll be a little cook, little poopy. But, like, this is better for all of us.” (19:03)
• Zach: "I think she (Beyoncé) saved my life." (19:58)
• Jameela, festival trauma: “I'm going to die in a coffin of poo and poison.” (21:23)
• Jacquis (on his lactose-induced escape): “If I get pulled over, I'm shitting on that cop.” (29:17)
• Jameela (on the school snub): “From that moment, I knew that while I would be still friendless for the next like eight years, I was God's favorite.” (43:27)

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Key Timestamps

• 00:54 — Host’s introduction and show concept
• 06:06 — Jacquis' micro-humiliation at the Container Store
• 12:13–20:05 — Zach’s hallucinogen-fueled Coachella disaster story
• 21:23 — Jameela’s own porta potty festival nightmare
• 26:53–35:19 — Jacquis’ legendary pooping-himself story
• 38:43–43:57 — Listener’s club mishap and Jameela’s schoolyard poetic justice

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Tone & Language

• Highly conversational, irreverent humor
• Self-deprecating, “overshare” mode
• No moralizing, just reveling in failure and embarrassment

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Where to Find the Guests

• Jacquis Neal: @jacquisneal on all platforms
• Zach Noe Towers: @zachnoetowers; soon taping a standup special produced by Bob the Drag Queen; check for tour dates
• Jameela: Podcast archives, Substack (“A Low Desire to Please”)

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Wrong Turns is a safe space for your dirtiest mishaps—no lessons, no growth, just laughter at the worst days of our lives. Join for cathartic hilarity and the reminder: your disaster is never as lonely as you think.

Transcript

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[Podcast Announcer]

Thank you for listening to Wrong Turns.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Follow the show on Amazon Music for.

[Podcast Announcer]

More future episodes or just ask Alexa. Play the podcast Wrong Turns on Amazon Music.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Hello and welcome to Wrong Turns. This is a podcast where we celebrate misery, we celebrate disaster, we celebrate clusterfucks. I'm someone who. Disaster has been chasing me my entire life, and I'm not faster. So it's just caught up with me constantly. Almost every day, I find myself in some sort of why me? Situation, and I just find myself very alienated by the Internet because all the stories I hear of something bad happening always end with this twist of, like, and then I became a billionaire, and I don't want to fucking hear it anymore because that was almost never happens to me. Nothing. There's almost no silver lining ever for me. Like, I never get. I never get wiser. I get dumber every year. And so I just want to talk to my friends about these similar situations because the people are out there, they're seeing the same daunting content that I am, and they're feeling like shit about themselves. And so we need to cry, laugh, and come together.

[Jacquis Neil]

All together.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Okay. So my guest today joining me is an actor, writer, and comedian who thinks that. Sorry. Who thinks you may have seen him on Netflix. Does it say that?

[Zach Noe Towers]

I'm paraphrasing.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Oh, yeah, yeah, Sorry. Joining me is an actor, writer, and comedian who you would have seen on Netflix, Comedy Central, or Grindr. Thank you. Next month, he is taping his very first one hour comedy special produced by none other than the icon Bob the Drag Queen. It's Zack Noe. Bloody Towers. Hello.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You know we're in the. Grindr is also in this building.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yes, I know.

[Jacquis Neil]

Okay.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

So did your phone just explode when you got here?

[Zach Noe Towers]

You know, actually so shitty. They have a lot of employees on it, right? And it says, like, employee. So you don't like.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I guess it's Grindr. Like a tiered system. Like, you know, are you, like, number one Grinder? You know, someone who's just, like, very you know, like, are you the number one Grinder? No.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I mean, I should be, but. No, it's all. It's all equal. We're all. We're all equal.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, fine. Oh, I love that.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I love a democracy. Yeah.

[Jacquis Neil]

You're the only one in America, apparently.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Okay. And then with us, we have comedian, podcaster, and actor from last week, Tonight with John Oliver, Crowd control on Dropout tv, and Grand Crew. And he hosts the show Comedian Clash. It's Jacquis. Neil.

[Jacquis Neil]

What's up? What's up? How y' all doing, you both? I don't have any app that's in this building. I feel.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, you gotta get Grinders.

[Jacquis Neil]

I'll get Grindr.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Everyone has a use for Grindr. You could find some cool pals.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Where do you think I get most of my guests for on the podcast?

[Jacquis Neil]

There you go.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

That's where I am. I'm on Grinder. So am I alone in. In feeling chased by disaster? Do feel as though humiliations and disaster finds you.

[Jacquis Neil]

You're not alone. No, like, I. I've gotten better over the years. Not, like, learning, but, like, I've got. I've gotten more lucky over the years since, like, the rest of the world also sucks now, too.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Wait, so are you luckier, or do you just seem luckier because everyone else.

[Jacquis Neil]

Is everybody to my level?

[Zach Noe Towers]

And, yeah, that's such an interesting concept. I did relate to when you said the, like, older you get, the less you know or something.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, yeah. I'm getting dumber with age, but I think I'm calling it dementia.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Okay, Book title.

[Jacquis Neil]

There you go.

[Zach Noe Towers]

But, like, I think that's actually a sign that you're wise, is that you're, like, you're realizing there's so much more to know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Right?

[Zach Noe Towers]

You're not as, like, bullheaded like. Or. Or, like, I know everything I can. You're like, I. I. I really have.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

No idea what's going on.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And isn't that fun to be like, I don't know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

It feels not as fun as you make, but it's fun much later.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Sure.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah.

[Jacquis Neil]

At what point, though, huh? At what point is it more fun?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I think in my 70s, when I started taking heroin, it's gonna get really fun.

[Jacquis Neil]

I'll give it five more.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait. And with your disasters, is it your decision making? Because mine is definitely my fault. I'm not just a victim. I lead myself head first into calamity. Into calamity.

[Jacquis Neil]

It's a disaster. I feel like Mine are either. Not my design. Like, they happen to me.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Do you repeat mistakes, though? Cause I do not really. Oh, really? I'm a big repeater.

[Jacquis Neil]

Are you a repeater?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, I'm not a quitter. You see, I keep going.

[Zach Noe Towers]

There's a great, like, thread or something. I saw like, all right, universe, I know how to deal with that guy. Now send me an exact same replica of him. Yeah, it's like, yeah, you don't learn.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

No, but I also, like, I don't.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Know, I'm getting so woo woo. Maybe it's la, Maybe it's getting older, but I'm just like, I think you're gonna find whatever you're looking for. So if you're looking like, I literally, when I was asked by your producers about, like, embarrassing stories, I was like, I couldn't think of any at first. Cuz I like, push them so far down. Like, I just don't focus on them.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, that's how you get an autoimmune disease. Is that what that bald spot is on the back of my head?

[Jacquis Neil]

Is that what those numbers are on my blood work?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Okay, you're right. I did make it sound so unhealthy. But yeah, I just like, I love therapy.

[Jacquis Neil]

You need therapy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah. Give me an example of like a micro humiliation, Jacques.

[Jacquis Neil]

Okay.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Or a micro bad decision.

[Jacquis Neil]

A micro bad decision. All right, I. Okay, so we are mostly told, never assume anyone is pregnant, right?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yes. Yes.

[Jacquis Neil]

Yeah, I didn't learn that. I didn't learn that when I should have learned that. Right. So like, one. One for me is I was working at the Container Store.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Where? Louisiana.

[Jacquis Neil]

Chicago.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Okay.

[Jacquis Neil]

So I'm from Chicago, so I was working at the Container Store, which is actually a store that my mom opened. Like, she was like, one of openers of the store. I don't know what you called that.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

She didn't teach you this?

[Jacquis Neil]

Mama, let me down, mama. You let me down, Mama. And then I was like deciding, like, I was already on thin nights too, because I was in college, you know, I was doing too much. I didn't really give a. But I was on thin night. So I was like, I'm gonna help some people to their car. And I helped this woman to a taxi and trying to make conversation, I was like, oh, my God, when are you due? And she looked at me and was like, I'm not pregnant at all. And instead of leaving it there, I said, oh, I'm so sorry. You look pregnant.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Oh my God, Shaquille, get out.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That's not a micro at all. That is a macro.

[Jacquis Neil]

And I am the villain in this person's story. 100%.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

What did she say?

[Jacquis Neil]

She was pissed. She was pissed and she called the store. And I was not trying to be an asshole. I was like. I was like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say you were pregnant. And then my brain was like, you look pregnant. Which is the craziest thing.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Were you fired?

[Jacquis Neil]

I was fired like, three weeks later for something else.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

What? What did you do that was wrong?

[Zach Noe Towers]

The only worst thing you could have done with that woman is, like, tapped.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Herself on a baby.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Baby container.

[Jacquis Neil]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Do you remember what you did that got you fired?

[Jacquis Neil]

I didn't show up to a meeting for, like, the fourth time, but I was also in college and I was doing theater full time.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Jacquis Neil]

And, like, I didn't want to show up till 5am you didn't need to be at it.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Listen, we've all been there with trying to be too friendly and too considerate. I have truly only just recently stopped trying to say to women, oh, you've just got something on your face because it's fucking always attached. It's always. Every fucking time, it's attached.

[Jacquis Neil]

Wait, what?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

And I. Cause I think it's funny.

[Jacquis Neil]

Is it just, like, rhyme stone?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, it's just like in the Wild west, it happens to us all. But I think it's a dropped eyelash. And I'm like, thinking we're going to have a cute moment where I'm like, make a wish and blow, and then I'd, like, pull on in it and it hurts. And now she and I have both learned about the random, like, eye beard that's happening. And so I've just. I've just got to stop touching.

[Jacquis Neil]

Touching faces.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, it's so the intention is really good, dude. Every time.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, I did that with someone, I was like, oh, you have something in your teeth. It was a gap.

[Jacquis Neil]

What are your two eyes?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

It also, like. Or it'll be like a dark birthmark that I think is smeared lipstick or something like that. You're just like, oh, you've got something. You know, because. Because we've. We've developed, like, a virtue. Right on. Like, you know, you don't want to be the person that doesn't say something when someone's got something going on. So I now I'm letting everyone. You could have a full shit on your face right now. I'm not saying anything. I'm leaving everyone. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

[Jacquis Neil]

Unless you have A baby coming out of your shoulder.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I'm not saying no one feels sorry for you, Jacquees. You doubled down.

[Jacquis Neil]

Somebody feel sorry for me, please. Look, please. It was truly. It's truly the thing. It was the shittiest thing I could have said. And I know that. I know that.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

You know what? I used to pretend I was pregnant when I wasn't. I had been on steroids for a long time and I gained like 75 pounds in six months. And a lot of it was around my midsection. And I just wanted to sit on the bus all the time. So I pretended I was pregnant all the time. And I would put my hand at the back of my spine. I'd do like. And I'd pretend sometimes to be having like, contractions.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Baby rags.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I wanted. When I was in. Yeah, I was in my mid-20s, not as a child, by the way. And then I. And then like other times on a bus, I would do something else, which I don't know why I'm telling you now, but fuck it. But I, you know, I was a model scout when I was just coming out of my teens and my early 20s. And I would have to travel up and down on this. Like it cost 50 pence, which is like 50 cents. Right. To get a bus like six hours. It was the good old days. Yeah. So I would go on these like. Yeah, I would go on like a Mega bus. Yeah, exactly. I'm Asian, doesn't raisin. I'm. I'm 150. I'm gonna look like a balled up.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Piece of tissue paper by the end of this episode.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

So I would be on. Be on this thing called the Megabus, which is like our Greyhound. And. And I wouldn't want anyone to sit next to me because I've got very long legs. I'm very tall. So I would pour water all over my light colored jeans so it would look like I've pissed myself. And I would deliberately drool and then just keep my eyes closed, just like spitting down myself on the bus so that no one would sit next to me and no one ever did. And I would just like. It was so much like, it would 100% work. It was amazing.

[Jacquis Neil]

I wouldn't sit next to me.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

No one ever sat next to me ever. One time in my life. And then recommend. I think I probably got thrush because it was so much damp for so long.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Long bad.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

But. Yeah, but fungus aside, highly recommend.

[Jacquis Neil]

The one person who did sit next to you, you got up and moved from there. Like you're fucking crazy.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Well, yeah. You have a fetish. Yeah, that's a. That's a freak right there.

[Jacquis Neil]

That's a freak.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You wake up, some guy's lapping up the water next to you.

[Jacquis Neil]

Apparently you've never been on a Megabus. Been on the Megabus. They do those penny rides in Chicago.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jacquis Neil]

To Milwaukee or something.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Wow.

[Jacquis Neil]

Crazy. The craziest people you'll ever meet.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

It's amazing. It's its own TV show. Okay, so let's start with stories. Zach, what happened? What was your wrong turn?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, my God. Well, in general, I was a full, like, alcoholic drug addict from like 15 to 30 slay, which, you know, I don't regret. Like, it got me. I'm sitting with you two right now. So things have worked out. But mine was in 2010, specifically Coachella, which is so appropriate because we're.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

This is post a 10 year wrong turn. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, early 20s and my house, there must have been a flash sale on drugs because I bought, like, one of each drug.

[Jacquis Neil]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Or like there's a sampler platter or something like that. And we started off the day, the plan was to do all the drugs in one day. Started off the day with, like, just weed and, like, Adderall, which is, we can agree, like, la. Sober.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just just really jumpstart that. Hot.

[Zach Noe Towers]

But then I. I made a shroom smoothie. And the important part of this is I found this fanny pack in a porta potty the first day of Coachella. And in the fanny pack, it had a baggie of shrooms, 17American dollars, and Dr. Pepper lip smackers.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Is this a Sean Baker film?

[Zach Noe Towers]

I know, right? Well, do you remember Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers? Did you have that?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yes, I do.

[Zach Noe Towers]

It was like. It's the reason I thought it was okay to do the drugs. I was like, whoever has Dr. Pepper lip smackers is probably like a kindred spirit of some sort.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, yeah. A safe soul.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I was wrong because, like, we're in this, like, big van to get taken to the grounds, and this woman's driving and her hair starting to look like snakes, and I'm googling like, was Medusa a real person? And.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

And is she at Coachella?

[Zach Noe Towers]

She headlining on the Do Lab stage? Do we have a location so we get there. I've heard. Have you heard before that if you drink orange juice, it, like, annihilates your high?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Oh, yes, I've heard that.

[Jacquis Neil]

Especially with shrooms.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Also doesn't Work.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

No way.

[Zach Noe Towers]

No. I had three of these, like, organic orange juices. Spent so much money. Still fucking high. And now it's time to take acid. So I take the acid, because this is a series. This is so many wrong.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

How many hours have gone by? Okay, so what time have we had the weed? And the weed, that was breakfast, right?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Probably around, like, nine or ten.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

And then a brunch smoothie.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Brunch smoothie was, like, 10:30.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Huh.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Acid. We're probably talking noon.

[Jacquis Neil]

Jesus. Jesus.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I was, like, 24.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Like, my liver hurts just, like, hearing Love me, Drugs.

[Jacquis Neil]

And even I'm like, this is wild.

[Zach Noe Towers]

So the acid, admittedly, was not a smart decision.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Okay.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And things are getting really weird. I'm, like, dehydrated at this point. I haven't eaten anything besides the shroom smoothie.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

And it's so fucking hot. And everyone's so fucking annoying.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yes. To be fair, though, I was one of the annoyings. Do you know what I mean? I'm the reason I don't go to Coachella, if that makes any sense. So I get in line for a beer, and you know when you can tell someone's watching, like, looking at you?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And that was amplified by the shrooms, I'm sure.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

But, like, was it the police?

[Zach Noe Towers]

It's some of those undercover cops just ready to tackle me. No, it's this girl from high school. And, like, I grew up in the Midwest, like, in Missouri. I wasn't anticipating seeing someone from my past like that. Yeah, she runs up, and in, like, the first sentence, she's like, did you hear Adam Joffreys died? And it was like, a mutual friend's little brother.

[Jacquis Neil]

Oh, okay.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And, like, I'm. My face is melting from acid. My brain has gotten from shrooms, and now I'm, like, contemplating death in line for, like, a high end.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

The worst. Absolutely not the worst.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And I was also probably getting sunburned too. Like, everything was wrong.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And so then I go to my friends, and I just start plucking them from their high to tell them about my dead friend. And I am bumming out everyone who will listen to me. And so a friend finally pulls me aside, and he's like, listen, you're. You're absolutely scaring people away. Like, please take this. And it was called at the time Snazzle Frass, which was like a designer drug from Zero.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

This sounds like a very white.

[Jacquis Neil]

This is very white.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You know when you say that, both.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Of us, it was just crickets.

[Jacquis Neil]

It's called Sassafras I could have told you not to take that. I don't even know where the story is going, and I could tell you don't take that.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Well, I actually wasn't about to. And this is so funny you say that, because it was a white friend from Berkeley, and he's like, my parents take this before they go to counseling. Like, couples counseling. I was like, if it's good enough for two white people in their 70s, it's good enough for me. But I take it, and it does work. I found out now it's like Molly. It was like some version of Molly.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Right, right. What an amazing thing to do before couples therapy.

[Jacquis Neil]

Molly before therapy.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Wow.

[Jacquis Neil]

I should try that.

[Zach Noe Towers]

No one Google this. I heard that's how ecstasy was invented. Like, to give people before they went into, like, counseling.

[Jacquis Neil]

Really?

[Zach Noe Towers]

To come from, like, this, like, loving.

[Jacquis Neil]

No.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Guards say what you feel.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Genius.

[Jacquis Neil]

Is that why therapy ain't been working? Yeah. Is that why I tried to be.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

The most sober I could be?

[Jacquis Neil]

Yeah. We need to be.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah. We're raw dogging it on Academy with.

[Zach Noe Towers]

An inch of your life, okay?

[Jacquis Neil]

And then you learn.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Okay, fine. So. Okay, so, sorry. So you took Snazzle Fraz, which sounds like a David Bowie alter ego Muppet. Yeah, Snazzle fr.

[Zach Noe Towers]

His eyes are going this way.

[Jacquis Neil]

It's foaming at the mouth.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

That was better when I'm with you.

[Zach Noe Towers]

So, admittedly, Snazzle is doing her job. Like, I start to feel really good. Like, I'm. I'm with it. Like, and this is, like, evening now. Like, bordering on night. And then I, like, kind of feel too good, if that makes sense. Like, overwhelmingly good. And then, like, my arm.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

And how's that manifesting? Like, how do you know you're feeling too good?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Numb arms. I can't. I start to not feel my arms.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

That feels good to you?

[Zach Noe Towers]

No. Well, that's what I'm saying. We're entering unknown, unchartered territory.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Right?

[Zach Noe Towers]

And I'm like, oh. Oh. And then my chest started to hurt.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Zach Noe Towers]

So I was like, huh? Now, I've already, like, made all my friends sad, so at this point, I just excuse myself and I go off.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Well, you've prepared everyone for death to die already. Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah. I literally was like, I'm just gonna. And I'm gonna go die.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Oh, I can't bear this.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I locked myself in a porta potty, and I was like, they'll find my body on day three. It'll be a little cook, little Poopy. But, like, this is better for all of us. And, you know, I just, like, huffed that Porta Potty air trying to calm myself down. Probably high on that, too. Now, looking back, like, all the gases, but you can picture it, too. Like, day two, Coachella. Like, the Porta Potties are not fresh. But then I start hearing Beyonce. Beyonce, Beyonce. Beyonce.

[Jacquis Neil]

Oh, this is the Beyonce Coachella.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Well, it's not. It's when she was a guest on Jay Z's headlining set. This is 2010.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

This is when she filmed the Feeling Myself video. Probably around then.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Probably.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

So I'm like, oh, my God, he's out there. Beyonce's here. And I, like, got my shit together to go see Beyonce.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

No.

[Zach Noe Towers]

And I think she saved my life.

[Jacquis Neil]

She brought you back from the dead queen bee.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah.

[Jacquis Neil]

Holy shit.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

And that's my.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That's my one little wrong turn.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

That's your 19 wrong turns in one day. That's the most wrong turns we've had on the podcast. One singular thing. Yeah. You know, I had a. This is my favorite thing about this podcast is it triggers all kinds of memories buried in my anus. I. I was. I was at V Festival in England in, like, 2010, 2009, 1011, and Prodigy were playing. Now, if anyone in America isn't familiar, they're like a very, like, very, very intense music. And it's like, I am the voice daughter. The voice daughter. So it's very loud, very screamy music. And I went into the port a potty to pee before they started and got locked in the port a potty. It's day three, not even day two. And it's English, right? The people who go to Coachella are generally, like, clean influencers who don't eat, so they don't po. In England, we do eat. We do eat, we do poo, we do terrible things. We have no aim as a nation. I think that's why we. I think that's why we lost so many countries, is because Couldn't maintain an empire.

[Jacquis Neil]

You're pissing everywhere.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

So I'm in the world's most disgusting Porta Potty, realize I can't get out, and it's the loudest show of all time, and I'm getting high off of the fumes of the blue stuff, and I'm screaming for my life and smashing the door down. And I have never had claustrophobia, but I'm now developing it, and I'm like, I'm going to die in a coffin of poo and poison. Screaming for my life. And no one found me until the very end. And I missed the entire concert. I missed. I was in that for the entire hour. And they played over their set, so it was about an hour and a half almost. And. And I fainted.

[Jacquis Neil]

Yeah.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Wouldn't it be funny if it was just a pole door.

[Jacquis Neil]

This whole time? This whole time, somebody pushes it open, you're like, you could have been out here the whole time.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

No, no, I fainted. Yeah. And finally someone noticed that someone had been in there for maybe more than 20. The line was so long, someone came in to check, and then they found me dead.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Twink.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

In here. There's a shriveled up Indian raisin.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Both your hands are in the porta potty hole. So foul you're blue the rest of the weekend.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Oh, my God. This is the beauty of unlocking wrong turns.

[Jacquis Neil]

Unlocking those wrong turns.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

We're gonna be right back after the break.

[Podcast Announcer]

Well, I'm having a bad day because this was full an hour ago and now it's empty. It's totally empty because I left it on the dining table. And my dog, who's now addicted to these, broke in and finished the entire bag. So I don't know what kind of.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Day we're gonna have together.

[Podcast Announcer]

But it does prove that Nom Nom is the best. It is just a delicious dog food company where they don't just make great treats, clearly great treats, but also such good dog food that actually looks like human grade food. You can see what is the meat, you can see what is the vegetables. They really care not only about produce and quality, but also about. About the smell and the texture and the taste. They understand that meal time is an event for a dog. And I believe that we should all love our dogs more than we love ourselves. And they should at the very least be eating as well as we get to eat. And the range of recipes at Nom Nom is fantastic. You've got lamb pilaf and pork. Pork and turkey and coconut. It's just amazing. And they really, really care. And you can. You can see that in how well your dogs are and how much they enjoy the food. My dogs at least. And so I highly recommend this product. My dogs seem to love it. They are my life and I'm happy when they're happy. And if you're interested in also trying Nom Nom, either trying it out or maybe using some of it within the dog food that you're already using, then you can head to your local pet store or you can find [e-mail] you can also go. Go to trinom.com wrongturns to learn more. That's trinom.com wrongturnS and you can begin your adventure. Just, you know, just be careful. Perfect stuff.

[Jacquis Neil]

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[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Enough.

[Jacquis Neil]

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[Paige Desorbo]

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[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

And we're back. Thank you so much, Zach. That was absolutely ideal. And I'm both very proud of you and very worried for you all at the same time.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, me too.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

No, but I mean, I can't believe, like, now you just. You come here all clean, you bake.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

You bake cookies everywhere you go.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Nine years sober. It'll do it to you.

[Jacquis Neil]

Yeah, it'll do it to you.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Hi.

[Jacquis Neil]

Was that Coachella? The one I was like?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I think I know.

[Zach Noe Towers]

No, not even close. Not even close. We drank six more Years after that.

[Jacquis Neil]

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That was a bump in the road when you're 24.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Not a quitter.

[Zach Noe Towers]

No. Or a spitter.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Do you want to tell me your story, what happened in Chicago?

[Jacquis Neil]

I do want to tell you that story. All right. So this is when I learned that I can't do dairy anymore. This is when I learned that. And I love me an Oreo milkshake. I love an Oreo milkshake. I love it. So I had Oreo milkshake before to go and get my hair cut, you know, and if you black, you know, we be in that chair for a minute. We gotta get the linings, we gotta get the tapers. So I'm in the chair for a minute.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

It's a lot of chat.

[Jacquis Neil]

It's a lot of chatting, too, you know? So I'm in this chair about 20, 30 minutes, and it starts to hit me, but I'm like, he's almost done. I'm like, 15 minutes.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

And have you experienced problems your whole life?

[Jacquis Neil]

If I could pinpoint it back, I'm like, probably.

[Zach Noe Towers]

There were signs.

[Jacquis Neil]

There were signs, but this was the one. I was like, oh, this is it. Like, I know it well because your.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Body just sort of like, starts with, like, a light tap. It starts with a tap, and then it becomes, like, a gentle knock. And then it becomes a bigger knock. And then a thud. And then it just breaks the door down.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, it's like, right?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jacquis Neil]

This is my. Break the door down. Okay. This is to break the door down.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

The door to your.

[Jacquis Neil]

The door to my ass.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Okay, go on.

[Jacquis Neil]

I'm in the chair. I'm like, I can make it home. It's just starting to happen. I'm like, 15, 20.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I'm a real man.

[Jacquis Neil]

I'm good. I'm a real dad.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I have a clench.

[Jacquis Neil]

I can clinch. I can clench. Real men don't use the best of them. Yeah, I have been up to that point.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I'm not gonna do it.

[Jacquis Neil]

You guys familiar with Chicago? You know a place called Lakeshore Drive?

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah.

[Jacquis Neil]

It's like pch almost kind of like that. So from my barber to my house is all on Lakeshore Drive, which means there's no gas stations, no hotels. It's all residential. And if you do get off, you gotta find a park. Go. So I'm like, I might as well just go home. So I'm sitting in the car, I'm driving on Lakeshore Drive, and all of a sudden, it's like, we gots to go now. We gots to go now. So I start going through the progression. I unbuckle my seatbelt first, because, you know, pressure on the stomach. Then I unbuckle my pants. Pressure on the stomach. And then after like, five minutes, I'm literally, window down, standing up, driving in my car. Cause I'm like, I can't be seated anymore, like. Cause when you sitting in the car.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

You'Re in the perfect position.

[Jacquis Neil]

You're in the perfect position.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Is this the toilet?

[Jacquis Neil]

You're in the perfect position. So I'm like the joker when he's like, in that scene. Like, I'm like, head out the fucking window. I kid you not.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Also, you just, like, you're sweating.

[Jacquis Neil]

I am sweating and I am speeding.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah.

[Jacquis Neil]

Like, if I get pulled over, I'm shitting on that cop. I'm shitting on that cop. So I pull off. I finally get off the Lakeshore Drive, and I have. I'm in an apartment at the time. So, like, we have, like, the underground parking.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah.

[Jacquis Neil]

And I was like, I can't even wait for that. I just pull into the front of the garage door, get out of my car and run to the elevator. Right? So I'm blocking.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Not an elevator. Fuck sake.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Has any come out yet? Or are you still.

[Jacquis Neil]

I'm still holding.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I am a diamond back there.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

She's doing sort of lifelong anal kegels or something. What's going on with you?

[Jacquis Neil]

I was. I was doing these lifelong Kegels and it still didn't fucking help me. So I'm like, out the car at this point. My car is, like, just parked in front of the garage.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

How long you've been traveling now? How long has it been from the initial? Oh, shit. Probably like 20 minutes.

[Jacquis Neil]

Probably like 20 minutes. That's a long time.

[Zach Noe Towers]

That's a long time.

[Jacquis Neil]

That's a long fucking time.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Asshole is like, Dwayne Johnson. This is unbelievable.

[Jacquis Neil]

Nobody's ever called my ass Dwayne Johnson. Thank you so much.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

No worries.

[Jacquis Neil]

You're welcome. Thank you so much.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I'm sturdy and polite.

[Jacquis Neil]

Yours the Rock. Mine is Dwayne Johnson. Yours is the rock. So I press the elevator.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Zach Noe Towers]

No.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I don't even know what it means, but it just feels right.

[Jacquis Neil]

Yours can be stone cold Steve Austin.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Thank you.

[Jacquis Neil]

You're welcome. You're welcome. So, like, now I'm, like, in pain. I open the press the elevator, and the hottest fucking person in the building is in this elevator.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Of course.

[Jacquis Neil]

The hottest. Now I'm in a relationship at the time, so it's not like I'm like, oh, I'm ruining my chances. But still, you don't want to.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

No, no, no. Your girlfriend has done voodoo on you to create this moment.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, I want to sit in front of an ugly person.

[Jacquis Neil]

I mean, I don't want to sit in front of anybody, right? But now I gotta, like, carry this weight. So I'm like, okay. And I'm on the fourth floor. I think she was on, like, the third or something. I don't know.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

And he will be, like, drenched in sweat.

[Jacquis Neil]

I'm not doing well. I look like something's wrong with me. My knees. I shit. I shit you not. My knees are like. Like shaking.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah.

[Jacquis Neil]

Because it's time.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jacquis Neil]

And it started to happen on the elevator with this woman on the elevator making a sound.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Is it silent?

[Jacquis Neil]

I farted. That's what. That was. The first one. That was the first one that was.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Sorry, can you do the fart?

[Jacquis Neil]

It was. Oh, man. It was one of those, like, you can feel it, like.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

No, because you've got the.

[Jacquis Neil]

And it was like the.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

You know what I mean?

[Jacquis Neil]

Or you've got the. It was like the. It was like one of those.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Oh, my God.

[Jacquis Neil]

So, like, I couldn't even hide it. Like, she knew. And I'm like. To this day, I'm like, maybe I was the only one that said.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

What was her face? I need to understand.

[Jacquis Neil]

She, like. She was, like, in the corner, like. So it was a small elevator. She was in the corner, and I didn't look at her because I was embarrassed. But as she's walking around, imagine if.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

He just made eye contact throughout the entire thing.

[Jacquis Neil]

I should have did that power play.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, go on.

[Zach Noe Towers]

At that point, I would be like, I'm gonna be real with you. I'm about to shit my pan months.

[Jacquis Neil]

You know, at that point, at. At this point, I was like, 21, 22. So I was like a kid.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You don't even have the words for that at 39.

[Jacquis Neil]

Now I'm like, this is what's about to happen.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

It's like, you need to run.

[Jacquis Neil]

You need to run. You might want to take the stairs. This is not your floor. As a matter of fact, take my keys and go move my car. I'm going upstairs to take a shit. I'm shitting on myself on this elevator. And so by the time I get off the elevator, I fully like. It was. If I remember correctly, it was. It was some solid. It was some. It was kind of all of it. This is disgusting.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

It wasn't you for asking that Question.

[Jacquis Neil]

Yeah, we were.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

We were getting, like, on really well.

[Jacquis Neil]

And, yeah, if you must know what this looked like.

[Zach Noe Towers]

I'm also picturing him squeezing so tight, it's like shooting out like a water pick.

[Jacquis Neil]

But see here? And it's on, like, level three. So it's like just. Man, at this point, I couldn't even clinch no more, man.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yeah, of course.

[Jacquis Neil]

I can't even clench no more. It's just coming.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Well, once your body feels it, too.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

It'S like, yeah, your bumhole just sort of trust falls, doesn't it? It just goes like, tr.

[Jacquis Neil]

So I like. I, like, get in my apartment and I go to the bathroom to finish, and I, like, throw all those clothes in, like, garbage bag. I was like, I'm not even watching these. These are going away forever. And I call my mom and cry.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Everyone calls their mom and cry and stop.

[Jacquis Neil]

Because, like, this is, like, 08. So this is when, like, the economy is bad.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

This is what caused the economy. This is crazy.

[Jacquis Neil]

Barack Obama on the news, friend from Chicago, took a shit. The economy is bad.

[Zach Noe Towers]

You were back the next day. The elevator is out of order. Crime scene tape is, like, across it.

[Jacquis Neil]

It's all across it. I also forgot at this point that I left my car in front of the garage, like, blocking it. Oh, I was blocking it. Cause I did. Cause I had a spot that I had to, like, back into. Cause I was, like, on the last end of the parking lot. So I was like, I don't have time for this shit. I need to just get out. And so I had, like, a bunch of calls. Like, somebody was like, your car's in the front. We're about to tow your car. We're about to tow your car. The whole time I'm on the phone with my mom crying, I'm sobbing. Like, this is, like, the worst day of my fucking life right now. And she's such a good mom. My mom is like, mom, she's dope as hell. She's like, it's okay. Listen, I've never. My pants. But other stuff has happened to me, too.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Thanks, Mom.

[Jacquis Neil]

Thanks, Mom.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Such a lovely bonding call.

[Jacquis Neil]

That's a lovely bonding call.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

She tried. So really, your biggest wrong turn there was not just going in the barbers.

[Jacquis Neil]

I should have 100% did.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I know. I know why you didn't, though. No, but I know why you didn't, because they would have. You would have never heard the end of it. You could never have gone back to that barbershop. Like, they all talk. They would talk about it. Forever. You would never, ever live that down.

[Jacquis Neil]

If I go blow up the barbershops back.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. That's crazy. Also, I think they would tell other barbershops in the, like, vicinity. I think they would put your face up everywhere.

[Zach Noe Towers]

This guy shit.

[Jacquis Neil]

This guy shit. You know how at barbershops or hairdressers they have like all the faces of the hairstyles you can get? I would be like, this person takes shit.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, it's not allowed.

[Jacquis Neil]

I would be like that fucking nightmare. Oh, my gosh. To get the dumpty. And it's just me.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I think that's one of the cutest shit myself stories I've ever heard.

[Jacquis Neil]

Thank you so much.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, well presented, well done. Both of you are just a terrible.

[Jacquis Neil]

Day of my life, but thank you so much.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

All right, we're going to be right back after a break.

[Jonathan Fields]

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[Paige Desorbo]

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[Hannah Berner]

I'm Hannah Berner and I'm also thinking about underwear, but I prefer full coverage. I like to call them my granny panties.

[Paige Desorbo]

Actually, I never think about underwear. That's the magic of Tommy John same.

[Hannah Berner]

They're so light and so comfy. And if it's not comfortable, I'm not wearing it.

[Paige Desorbo]

And the bras, soft, supportive and actually breathable.

[Hannah Berner]

Yes. Lord knows the girls need to breathe. Also, I need my PJs to breathe and be buttery, soft and stretchy enough for my dramatic tossing and turning at night. That's why I live in my Tommy John pajamas.

[Paige Desorbo]

Plus they're so cute because they fit perfectly.

[Hannah Berner]

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[Paige Desorbo]

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[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

So before you both go, I want to read you a story from one of our listeners. I solicited these stories from them. Someone said that they cut the line to get into a club to then sprint through the club to the bathroom where they then cut the line of the bathroom to dart into the only free and open toilet they were desperate to go. They then slipped on a pile of sick. They needed to pee. So then they pissed themselves in front of everyone and ruined their entire night. Well, it's a very brief but perfect wrong turn. It's also instant karma from all of the line cutting but slipping a sick. And one of the reasons I liked this one is because it reminded me of a story of when I was at school. I was 11 years old and I was a pariah right at school like always. Both schools, all three schools I ever went to, people just knew immediately not to with me. Like they were just like not in a cool way. Not like I'm not gonna with her. It was like we're gonna her up right? That sort of way, right. So. So I was bullied at every school I ever went to. People didn't really be friends with me. I was a major loser. I used to stare at people too much. I. Yeah, yeah. I was a. Like I had a big school shooter incel vibe. Big time. Big.

[Zach Noe Towers]

We need more representation and with females.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Thank you. Thank you. Exactly. Yeah. You know the first ever incel was a woman.

[Jacquis Neil]

Really?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

That term, that term was coined by a woman about herself. And again, men have come and taken it.

[Jacquis Neil]

Men took it.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Women are having to be called femcels when they're an incel. It's like. No, no, no. Incel was our worst.

[Jacquis Neil]

That's yours.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Okay. Yeah, thank you.

[Jacquis Neil]

That's yours.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, you can have it back too. Uh huh. Anyhow, so I was walking to secondary school and there's this girl who I'd known cause her mother was friends with my mother. And so we'd kind of been forced together. And I'll take anything I could get.

[Zach Noe Towers]

An arranged friendship?

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, it was an arranged friendship. And she. We're on our way into school, we've been going maybe a week, we're 11. And she says, hey, listen, I don't want people at school to know that we know each other. And I was like, what? She's like, yeah, I don't want to be seen with you. She was like, you've already been clocked in the first five days as like an absolute. No, no, socially.

[Jacquis Neil]

Oh, oh my God.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. And she was like. So I just. She was like, I'm already on the bigger side in my build. And she was like, I've already got something going. It was the 90s, it's heroin chic. She was like, I already have stuff going against me. Very evolved chat, by the way, for an 11 year old. She was like, I've already got, you know, like enough up against me. And she was like, and you are all of the wrong things. And she was like, if I need a chance at succeeding at this secondary school and being popular, I cannot be seen with you. And I was like, fuck me. How have I managed to achieve this in five days? So I, you know, and I'm like the only girl who comes from like poverty at the school. It's like a super rich school. I'm the only Indian, like, I think, oh, I'm one of a few Indians in the entire school. I'm chubby, I've got braces, I'm terribly dressed. Like they've just looked at me and gone, no. And I'm staring at everyone in the lunchroom. So like I put it on myself slightly. So I'm devastated. We're on the train. I can't believe this is happening. I'm so mortified because I've not just found out that she doesn't want to be friends with me. I found out the entire school hates me that much. Right. Yeah. So. So we get off the train and she's like, I'm gonna walk ahead. Cause I don't even want anyone who might be taking the same train station. This makes me sad to see, honestly. I know, I know, I know, I know.

[Jacquis Neil]

This person sounds like an insane.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I'm trying so hard not to cry. She walks like 10, 20ft ahead of me. And then I suddenly I'm looking down at the ground, just trying like, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. And I suddenly hear the loudest thud you've ever heard. And like, the fucking. Like it feels like the walls are shaking. And I look up and she's lying on the floor. And I run over to her and she's been walking so fast to get away from me. She has failed to see there is a huge pile of someone sick on the subway. And she's slipped in the sick, gone, flying up in the air and then landed flat on her back. And her newly washed long, curly blonde hair is covered in someone's chunky, chunky sick. And she's screaming and she's not moving. And she's like, help me. And I was like, I'm sorry, I don't know you.

[Jacquis Neil]

Damn.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I was like, I've never seen you before. Per your instructions.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Standing ovation.

[Jacquis Neil]

This is your right turn.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

I went to school.

[Jacquis Neil]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yes.

[Jacquis Neil]

This is your right turn right here.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yeah, girl. And from that moment, I knew that while I would be still friendless for the next like eight years, I was God's favorite.

[Jacquis Neil]

Because you would have been walking with her 100%. You hoped I would have.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Would have gone down, she would have grabbed me, we would have gone down together. Yeah, 100%.

[Jacquis Neil]

She would have kept you down while she was trying to get up you.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Fucking nerve to hand me her sick covered little hand and be like, help me up. I was like, I'm so sorry. I've never met you before in my life. Stranger danger.

[Jacquis Neil]

Stranger danger. I will not be staring at you today.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Exactly.

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[Paige Desorbo]

Hey, I'm Paige Desorbo and I'm always thinking about underwear.

[Hannah Berner]

I'm Hannah Burner and I'm also thinking about underwear, but I prefer full coverage. I like to call them my granny panties.

[Paige Desorbo]

Actually, I never think about underwear. That's the magic of Tommy John.

[Hannah Berner]

Same. They're so light and so comfy. And if it's not comfortable, I'm not wearing it.

[Paige Desorbo]

And the bras, Soft, supportive and actually breathable.

[Hannah Berner]

Yes. Lord knows the girls need to breathe. Also, I need my PJs to breathe and be buttery, soft and stretchy enough for my dramatic tossing and turning at night. That's why I live in my Tommy John pajamas.

[Paige Desorbo]

Plus they're so cute because they fit perfectly.

[Hannah Berner]

Put yourself on to Tommy John.

[Paige Desorbo]

Upgrade your drawer with Tommy John. Save 25% for a limited time at tommyjohn.comfort. see site for details.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

So anyway, that's, that's just good for you. Me and that me and the the listener can bond over. Anyway, I adore you both. I can't believe you've never met. Like your vibe is unbelievable and you've been such a joy together. So I hope we all get to sit in a room another time. Go out there into the world. Create more havoc. Bring it back to me. Before you go, will you tell us where people can find you? You want to start Jackies?

[Jacquis Neil]

Absolutely. Ackees Neil on everything.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Fabulous.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Nice. Follow me. Zach no E Towers Z A C H N O E T O W E R S and then I'm headlining Zanies in Sept. So yeah, or just follow me. See I I'm always posting tour dates and fun stuff.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Amazing. And there is a special that you are going to be filming soon.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Bob the Drag Queen is producing my first stand up special and look for it on a streamer sometime.

[Jacquis Neil]

He's also going to be on my show. Crowd Control.

[Zach Noe Towers]

Yes. Bob is the best.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Yes. Amazing. I have had you on multiple podcasts and I think you are just so funny. You're both such a dream. It's been such a wonderful pleasure to meet you. I adore you both. Thank you for coming on Wrong Turns.

[Jacquis Neil]

Thank you.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

Wrong Turns was created and produced by.

[Podcast Announcer]

Me, Jameela Jamil and Stuart Bailey.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson. You can email us a voice memo of your own Wrong Turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com youm can find full.

[Podcast Announcer]

Length videos of our episodes on YouTube.

[Host (possibly a female comedian or podcaster)]

And don't forget to subscribe like review wherever you get your podcast and tell your friends about us. And if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substack. It's called a low desire to please. That's enough of me. I'm going to off now. Bye.