333. Getting Better At Sex - Part One

Summary

Podcast Summary: "You Are Not Broken" with Dr. Kelly Casperson, MD

Episode 333: Getting Better At Sex - Part One
Air date: August 31, 2025
Guest: Susan Bratton, "Intimacy Expert to Millions"

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Episode Overview

This deeply engaging episode centers on rewriting what we know about sex—especially in midlife—and focuses on pleasure, physiology, empowerment, and the practical tools and mindset shifts required to "turn up the dial" on satisfying sex. Dr. Kelly Casperson welcomes Susan Bratton, renowned intimacy educator and author, for a candid conversation that covers everything from female erectile tissue and neural pathways to yoni massage, orgasm types, and the state of sex education for women. Both women address myths, break down science-backed concepts, and offer practical strategies to help women (and those partnered with them) experience more fulfilling, health-enhancing, and empowered sex.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Physiology of Pleasure in Midlife

• Erectile Tissue in ALL Bodies ([01:12–01:42])

  • Both men and women have erectile tissue; lack of awareness about this leads to misunderstandings about female arousal.
  • Susan's "lady boner" explanation: "All the fruit of that banana is erectile tissue...and it's in our vulva...the lights go on, Kelly. The lights go on." (Susan, 01:42)

• Blood Flow & Nerve Endings Decline with Age ([01:03–01:22])

  • Nerve endings become "attenuated because we have vascular contraction. Our blood flow doesn't go the way it used to go." (Susan, 01:03)
  • Emphasized parallel between male erectile dysfunction and similar issues for women: "It's so well known and nobody talks about the exact same damn thing happens in all bodies." (Kelly, 01:12)

• The Orgasm Gap & “Booty Duty” ([01:42–02:58])

  • Many women never reach full arousal before sex ends, leading to avoidance and lack of desire.
  • Memorable moment: Introducing "booty duty" (obligatory sex for the partner’s benefit) as a humorous but real phenomenon.
  • "If you’re having booty duty in the first place, you’re never going to desire booty duty." (Kelly, 02:58)

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The Mindset Shift: Seeking Satisfying Sex

• Desire Follows Reward ([03:15–03:42])

  • “You have to have satisfying, relaxing, pleasurable sex. It’s dopamine 101—you have to have the reward we’re seeking in order for the seeking to happen.” (Kelly, 03:37)

• Path to Intimacy Expert ([04:06–05:03])

  • Susan shares her journey from Silicon Valley executive facing a sexless, unsatisfying marriage, to a late-in-life discovery of satisfying sex—and ultimately to her second career teaching others.
  • "[Sex] gets better with age. You want to extend your sex span to extend your health span. It’s so good for you. Orgasmic intercourse specifically.” (Susan, 04:49)

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The Science & Evidence (or Lack Thereof)

• Health Benefits of Orgasm (and their Limits in Research) ([05:23–06:40])
  • Most data are from studies on men or do not account for women’s orgasms; the focus on heterosexual experiences perpetuates an “orgasm gap.”
  • “Nobody has done research looking at longevity and orgasms in women...with the current heterosexual orgasm gap...I don’t actually have any data.” (Kelly, 05:41)
  • “We do have a lot of data on the health benefits of orgasm. Thank God. But they’re mostly men studies.” (Susan, 06:07)

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Personal Growth and Sexual Learning

• Leaning into Learning ([07:19–08:08])

  • Susan and her husband’s willingness to “get better” at sex as a team—contrasted to the usual blame game prevalent in relationships.
  • “We’re learning oriented people...I can learn embodied things...Optimizers...do very well at becoming better lovers.” (Susan, 07:36)

• Biggest Roadblocks

  • Deep-rooted cultural beliefs around sex as duty, stigma for female desire, and the “male gaze” understanding of sexual satisfaction.
  • “People who are stuck in the big bedroom brainwash…‘Women are sluts if they want sex…It should just be easy.’” (Susan, 08:13–08:41)

• Tangible Transformation Through Practice

  • “I’m not a therapist. I’m an author and publisher of passionate lovemaking techniques...Because I’m a sciency nerdy girl that likes to have hot sex.” (Susan, 09:05)
  • Susan compares learning sex to learning recipes—practice leads to mastery.

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Expanded Orgasm and Orgasmic Cross-Training

• Discovery of Expanded Orgasm ([11:16–15:45])

  • Susan details her and her husband’s journey through therapy, sex workshops, and the revelation of expanded orgasm practices.
  • “Expanded orgasm” involves a light clitoral stroke in the upper right or left quadrant, taking the fleeting moment of orgasmic peak and stretching it, sometimes into an hour-long experience.
  • “Close the gasm chasm...that was what really made me want to dedicate my life to showing people how easy it is.” (Susan, 14:05)
  • "[It's] pulling it out like time is taffy." (Susan, 14:20)

• The Difference Between Orgasm and Ecstatic Bliss ([15:45–18:15])

  • Expanded orgasm is about the “liminal space”—the extended plateau of pleasure, not just the quick release.
  • “It’s the liminal space and that’s ecstatic bliss.” (Susan, 16:50)
  • “You can stay in that moment of climax and extend that moment.” (Susan, 16:54)
  • Practice involves partner participation, toggling between stimulation and pause (peaking), and fosters deep connection.

• Trust, Safety, and Variety ([18:26–19:39])

  • True desire in long-term relationships requires trust, safety, and novelty.
  • “When you have both trust and safety so you can surrender...and you have variety and novelty, then you have desire.” (Susan, 18:30)
  • The goal: get to “God level” sex—where sex fosters a sense of unity and connection beyond the self. (Susan, 20:10)

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Female Arousal vs. Male Arousal: You're Not Broken

• Unique Arousal Pathways ([22:00–24:31])
  • Female arousal involves more concealed and diffuse erectile tissue, and takes significantly longer (typically 20 minutes vs. a minute or two for men).
  • “You're not broken because you don’t act like a dude during sex.” (Susan, 22:42)
  • Loss of sensation often stems from blood flow reduction and loss of nitric oxide with age, not just “aging.”
  • Topical treatments, exercise, dietary nitrates (beets, greens), and estrogen therapy can improve blood flow and sensation.

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Practical Strategies: Tools & Techniques

• Yoni Massage ([25:54–29:00])

  • The importance of yoni massage for arousal, pleasure, and pelvic health; connected to the broader understanding of arousal anatomy.
  • "If you aren't like, 'I need something inside of me now,' don't put anything inside of you... that's sex ed 101. Nobody knows that.” (Kelly, 25:54)
  • “Playing with breasts and nipples, mouth, lips, tongue, throat...All of these things really help a lot.” (Susan, 26:10)

• Orgasms Are Learnable, Diverse, and Up for Exploration ([26:51–31:25])

  • Neural pathways can be expanded; you're not doomed to “one way only.”
  • Use different types of sensation, pressure, vibration, etc., to awaken various mechanoreceptors and increase pleasure potential.
  • “Your body can have over 20 kinds of orgasms—and you can orgasmically activate all that tissue with loving touch and sensation.” (Susan, 27:11)
  • "Some use pressure of the mechanoreceptors, some tickle nerve endings, some want stretching, some like deep vibration." (Susan, 28:35)
  • Three types of orgasmic exploration: locations, techniques, and objects of desire (tools/toys).

• Choosing Vibrators & Tools ([31:25–32:45])

  • No “one best”—choose what feels good for you; consider sensitivity, type, sound, function.
  • “What's the best vibrator? What's the best meal? That's a different answer for everybody.” (Kelly, 31:25)
  • Candid banter about the struggle of charging cords and the privilege underlying these "problems."

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The Anatomy Lesson: Celebrate the Lady Boner

• Anatomical Education with Humor and Reverence ([39:21–43:43])
  • Visual, step-by-step description of vulvar and internal erectile structures.
  • Advocates using the word “yoni” as a positive, spiritual way to talk about female genitalia.
  • “This is your lady boner. All of this, with the exception of the vaginal cavern, is erectile tissue. This is what’s in his penis. This is what’s in your vulva.” (Susan, 41:09)
  • Railing against shame-based marketing ("vaginal rejuvenation," labiaplasty): “How about just giving women sex ed in the first place instead of taking their money because they feel shameful.” (Kelly, 42:33)
  • “Our vulvas are so beautiful...they get engorged, they blossom.” (Susan, 43:49)
  • Dispelling women's body image concerns: "Heterosexual men love having sex with women's pelvises...the penis is in love with what's happening to it right now." (Kelly, 43:19)

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Show & Tell: Susan’s Current Favorite Tools

• "Queen" and "Enhance" Devices ([42:31–45:24])
  • The “Queen” uses pulse plate technology (originally for men with ED) to bring deep blood flow and awaken mechanoreceptors.
  • “Same parts in different order, as Emily Nagoski said.” (Susan, 44:33)
  • The “Enhance” combines air pulsation and vibration, great for clitoral and overall vulvar stimulation.
  • Emphasis on these tools as a way to bring novelty, accelerate arousal, and facilitate better and more frequent orgasms.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Cultural Barriers:

  • “People who are stuck in the big bedroom brainwash cultural mores of sex is for procreation only. Women are sluts if they want sex…” (Susan, 08:13)

• On Longevity Studies:

  • “Nobody has done research looking at longevity and orgasms in women...I don't actually have any data on orgasm and longevity in women, mostly because we haven't studied it.” (Kelly, 05:41)

• On Women’s Sexual Response:

  • “We are not broken, girl. You’re not broken because you don't act like a fuckin' dude during sex.” (Susan, 22:42)

• On Expanded Orgasm:

  • “Taking that moment of orgasmic peaking and pulling it out like time is taffy...” (Susan, 14:20)

• On Shame-Free Sexuality:

  • “If I won’t put it in my mouth, I won’t put it in my yoni.” (Susan, 35:09)

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Key Timestamps

• 00:53–02:58: Corpuscles, blood flow, “lady boner,” and the idea of “booty duty”
• 04:06–05:03: Susan’s personal journey from disconnection to sexual awakening
• 11:16–15:45: Expanded orgasm, closing the “gasm chasm”
• 16:50: Difference between pelvic contraction orgasm and extended bliss (liminal space)
• 22:00–24:31: Female arousal, loss of sensation, nitric oxide, and exercise
• 25:54–29:00: Yoni massage—ritual, purpose, technique
• 27:11–28:35: Different types of mechanoreceptors and pleasure
• 31:25–32:45: Choosing vibrators—the best is individualized
• 41:09: Lady boner anatomy lesson
• 42:33: Critique of “vaginal rejuvenation”; sex ed over surgeries
• 44:33–45:24: Pulse plate technology and the “Enhance” tool

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Final Takeaways

• Female sexuality is complex, dynamic, and endlessly capable of growth and pleasure—if given time, education, and acceptance.
• Bodily changes in midlife are natural and can be supported with blood flow, education, and open communication.
• Sex is a learnable skill; pleasure is your birthright.
• “You are not broken”—the system, the culture, and the education are what need fixing, not you.

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What's Next

Kelly teases a future episode on "What do you do to prepare to get the second orgasm, after your first of the day?" promising even deeper dives into multi-orgasmic sex:

“We cannot rush this, so you gotta come back...that’s the teaser that we're going to come back and discuss.” (Kelly, 47:09)

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For resource and tool links referenced, visit Susan’s pages: pleasureprotocol.com and drivedesire.com.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to the youe Are Not Broken podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Kelly Casperson, a board certified urologist, thought leader, and conversation starter on midlife living, hormones, and sexuality. Enjoy the show. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the you Are Not Broken podcast. Today this episode is all about turning up the dial on pleasure, knowledge and empowerment. I'm joined by the amazing Susan Bratton. The intimacy expert to millions who's been featured everywhere from Sex with Emily to Diary of a CEO and has decades of experience, is incredibly confident in all of this. And I don't think we're going to leave any stone unturned in talking about why sex is freaking fabulous for yourself and for your health and for life. Welcome to the podcast, Kelly.

[B]

We are going to leave no corpuscle untouched in this segment.

[A]

Fantastic.

[B]

I came here to talk about mechanoreceptors, Damn it.

[A]

I came here talking about corpuscles. I have not heard the term corpuscle. Dude. What happens to nerve endings in midlife?

[B]

Well, they become attenuated because we have vascular contraction. Our blood flow doesn't go the way it used to go.

[A]

You know, it's crazy. Like, erectile dysfunction is so. I mean, at least in my world, but like, it's so well known and nobody talks about the exact same damn thing happens in all bodies.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. I'm all, I'm all about the lady boner. And so are men, frankly, once they're like, oh, there's a lady boner. Oh, you mean I need to get it hard. I love that.

[A]

I know most people don't know that there's erectile tissue in all pelvises, right? Like, it's literally. It's like sex ed 101. You gotta start at the basics.

[B]

I carry around this fake banana with me and I. I say, imagine this is a penis, right? And everybody's like, that's an easy one. And half of it sticks out of his body and half of it goes down toward his testicles. And the whole fruit of that banana is erectile tissue. I'm gonna peel that banana. I'm gonna going to turn that into a heart, a teardrop. And it's going to weigh exactly as much as his penile erectile tissue. And it's in our vulva. And people are like, what? The lights go on, Kelly. The lights go on. Like, oh, shit, I've got a lady boner. But he's like, ba doink with that hemodynamics of his. And we're like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Very slow. You know, it takes us 20 minutes. And by that time had quote, unquote sex. And she never got her lady boner. And he wonders why she's avoiding him, why she's. Somebody just taught me the funniest phrase. I used to call it mercy sex, you know, where she would have sex with him so he wouldn't be a grumpy bastard. And somebody called it a. Called it booty duty. Garrett White. I went to see Garrett and Danielle White, and they called it booty duty. And I was like, I'm stealing. That Garrett I will attribute, but I am stealing.

[A]

That's really good. Well, yeah, And I think, you know, and then what happens on, you know, the. The medical side of it is a woman comes to the medical clinic and she's like, I don't have desire. And I'm like, it's not all about low desire. If you're having booty duty in the first place, you're never going to desire booty duty.

[B]

That's how it happens. It's not. And women. And women are like, what do I do about my libido? I'm like, well, how's your health? Because your libido, your libido is the other side of your health. So you got to fix your health, and your libido will come back. But then my desire. And I'm like, you have to have satisfying or multi orgasmic, relaxing, pleasurable sex. Let's do that.

[A]

It's dopamine 101. You have to have the reward we're seeking in order for the seeking to happen.

[B]

Exactly. Well said.

[A]

Oh, thank you. I was a neuroscience undergrad before all the doctoring. So tell me, like, how did you become Susan Bratton, intimacy experts in the millions? Were you, like, what did you do before? Susan Breton, intimacy experts in the millions. Like a commercial real estate appraiser. Like, how does this work?

[B]

Yeah, it. It. It's a common thing. Your greatest. Your greatest wound becomes your greatest gift. I was a successful Silicon Alley Silicon Valley executive, and I got sick of booty duty. For a dozen years, I had booty duty. I never had an orgasm from intercourse. And I dutifully had sex with my husband anyway, and it was wrecking my marriage. I was avoiding him for sex. I was giving him mercy sex. And we saw all our friends. This was our early 40s. This is 20 years ago. Because I've been doing this for a few decades as my second career, and I'm in my 60s now and having the most incredible sex of my life. I will tell you that sex Gets better with age. You want to extend your sex span to extend your health span. It's so good for you. Orgasmic intercourse specifically. I am not the sexpert that's gonna come onto your show and go, just have sex because it makes you feel good.

[A]

To me, I think because people, you know, they're always like, kelly, tell everybody the benefits of orgasm. And I'm like, if I make this sound like five fruits and vegetables and eight hours of sleep at night, and don't forget to floss several times a week and then also have your orgasm, it's a total turn of its duty. So, like, to me, I'm always like, you got to get people empowered first. And then you're like, bonus.

[B]

And here's all the reasons it's great for you. Exactly. Here's how easy. Here's how easy and fun it is to have all the 20 kinds of orgasms your human body can have. Here's where you start. Yeah, exactly. I agree with you. When I remember that a lot of times when I would go on to a show and someone would say, tell us the benefits of sex, they'd be

[A]

like, oh, shit, dude, I'm the same way. I'm like, don't make me. And then sometimes I'll give it. Like, nobody has done research looking at longevity and orgasms in women. And even if they look at. They'll look at sex and longevity, but that's not guaranteeing that the woman had an orgasm with the current heterosexual orgasm gap. Right. So I'm like, I don't actually have any data on orgasm and longevity in women, mostly because we haven't studied it,

[B]

but we do have a lot of data on the benefit. The health benefits of orgasm. Thank God. But they are mostly men studies, and

[A]

the longevity study is men. But then you also have to think these men had somebody at home making them food. These men had companion, like the. All the things that went along with that man having sex and his health was good enough in the first place to have an erection. Right. So it's like those studies, like the longevity studies. I'm like, nobody's looked at it really. But yes, I agree with you. Orgasm in and of itself is not harmful and is most likely not neutral. It's actually quite good for you.

[B]

And this is what happened. I had sex for a dozen years with my husband, had intercourse with a dozen. For a dozen years with my husband, never had an orgasm. We were thinking about getting divorced, and we're like, why are we gonna do this? This is so stupid. Let's just try and learn how. And so we ended up doing a number of things.

[A]

But how did you have the ins? So I'm gonna go slow through this story because it's gonna help so many. I would say the stereotypical is like, he doesn't love me, she doesn't love

[B]

me, he's cheating on me, I'm getting a divorce.

[A]

He's bad at sex, he never gave me an orgasm. Like all of the like blaming and shoulding that I think is way more normal than two people being like, maybe we could learn to do this better. Like, that's glorious.

[B]

Well, we were, we're learning oriented people. And that is often find that there's a big overlap. Some markets are very soft markets for me. Like people who are bodybuilders and people who do fitness, they understand, they're super

[A]

into the hormones too. Like they get the, they get the point of hormones.

[B]

They are optimizers. So they're like, I can learn this thing. I'm embodied. I can learn embodied things. That's like a really good group of people for me that really resonate with the conversations around how to activate your orgasmic potential and how to be a good lover. They want to be good in every category of their life. They're super achievers. And if they're not workaholics and they're willing to work on all the aspects of their life, they do very well at becoming better lovers.

[A]

What's a person where you're like, it's going to take a lot to get through the roadblocks on this person.

[B]

People who are stuck in the big bedroom brainwash cultural mores of sex is for procreation only. Women are sluts. If they want sex, how about it

[A]

should just be easy?

[B]

They think it's procreation and that is easy, not lovemaking, which is a skills base.

[A]

I told somebody this the other day. I'm like, I'm like, you were having, you were practicing reproduction. Exactly.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Right. Like you might not have been having good sex, but you're practicing reproduction.

[B]

That's exactly it. So yes, those people who are living in a kind of a small, A small world and people who think that what they see on porn, what they see on television is what sex is, which is completely the male gaze. Honestly, it's all the kind of patriarchal paradigm of sexuality that we're, we're swimming in and we don't even know that that's not what it could be. And so it's, it's that it's the people who want to be more conscious. So to really make it simple, I'm not a therapist. I'm not a doctor. I'm an author and publisher of passionate lovemaking techniques and bedroom communication skills and intimate wellness techniques, regenerative therapies, biohacking, things like that. Because I'm a sciency nerdy girl that likes to have hot sex. And I literally. It's almost like writing cookbooks. I write the recipes. The human operating system works the way the human operating system works. Everybody thinks, oh, I'm not the kind of person who can have an orgasm for mineral. Gross. I'm like, bitch, yes, you are. Here's the steps. Read the recipe. The third time you make the recipe, it's going to taste great. It's going into rotation. Like, this is literally how easy it is to have sex. I have the easiest job in the world to teach you how to have hot sex. I have the hardest job in the world because I am censored, shadow banned, et cetera, et cetera. So thank you, Kelly Casperson, for having me on your show.

[A]

Dude, podcasts are the last bastion of where you can talk about this stuff.

[B]

It is my medium, dude.

[A]

I did. It's Instagram. So, like, for the most part, I talk a lot more about hormones and sex on Instagram because Instagram. Instagram. No, no, no, Right? So I did this cheeky thing where I bought my third vibrator for my mouth. And I was like, show, show and tell. It was my electric flosser. So I'm like, listen, if you're going to have three pieces of tech for your mouth, you might as well have 15 for down there, right? The electric flosser got blocked on Instagram. Fully clothed, talking about oral health.

[B]

That's crazy. I'm sitting here with an entire cadre of sex tech. I want to show you to activate orgasmic pleasure in different ways. But if we're putting this on YouTube.

[A]

No, you can't put it on YouTube. I need to hear the completion story. So you and your husband are having shitty sex. You figure you're like, maybe we could get better at this.

[B]

We did a couple things, and there's one that you know about that very few people know about, which is interesting. I'm going to get to that.

[A]

So how do you know I know about this?

[B]

Because I know somebody who had a conversation with you about it, and I'll tell you who it is. I'll tell you who it is. So, hey, we're talking about you out there, Kelly. Apparently, people are Talking about you. You're creating conversations, which I love. So we did a couple of things. The first thing we did is we went to therapists, and they were really good, but they didn't know anything about how to have hot sex, and that's not their job. And that's why I said, I'm not a therapist. I'm a publisher of passionate lovemaking techniques, right? So I don't sit in an office and help people. That's why I'm intimacy expert to millions, because I have scale. I publish things that you can consume online from anywhere in the world so you can get around all the censorship, and you can see what to do in a loving, heart, connected, conscious, passionate lovemaking style. That's my brand of sex. Lots of people do kink, bdsm, tantra, et cetera. I do passionate lovemaking. That's my thing. I like orgasmic, ecstatic bliss. So we went to the therapist. They were helpful in many things. We decided we would do something sex workshops, because we live in Northern California, and we do these things around here. Oh, edgy, edgy, edgy, edgy, edgy. Every time we would be driving to a sex workshop, I'd have to get out of the car and, like, have a meltdown on the side of the road. And then my husband would scoop me up, drag my ass back in the car, and drive me to the sex workshop, where I would dutifully get naked and do hand on heart and show my yoni and learn about sex. And I did it, girl. I did it. And I went, whoa. Immediately, I started having orgasms from intercourse because I knew what to do. And so then I was like, I must dedicate my life to teaching people how to have hot sex. And so I've been doing it for 20 years, and it's gotten better and better and better, and I've learned more and more. And the sciency girl in me comes out and teaches you how it all works. And people are like, thank you. So the other thing that we did was. And this is where the little side conversation comes in, which is that we learned a number of practices, and one of the practices that we learned was expanded orgasm from one of my mentors. I come from a lineage of amazing sex experts who came before me, and I publish and carry on their work in addition to my own work. I am a big believer in attribution and carrying on lineages because the operating system does what it does. And one of them, the expanded orgasm practice, is what really helped me cross that gasm chasm. Close the Dr. Laurie Mintz Orgasm gap, right?

[A]

And that was that.

[B]

The gasm chasm. Closing the gasm chasm. So it's a great leap forward. So it was the expanded orgasm practice, which has also been called doing expanded orgasm, extended massive orgasm, orgasmic meditation, etc. And it's a light clitoral stroke on the upper right or upper left quadrant of the clitoral structure. And it really helps you not just have an ejaculatory, refractory orgasm, which is what everyone thinks an orgasm is. And that's the masters and Johnson's 1960s. Let's move on, people. That's one way to come. We got more over 20, so let's have them all. And this expanded orgasm practice helped me go from having one little orgasm to having. Taking that moment of orgasmic peeking and pulling it out like time is taffy, to the point where we got to this place where I was like, how. How long do you think I could orgasm, right? So you gotta go Olympic style at the point where you start coming really well. And I'd come for an hour and. And that was what really made me want to dedicate my life to showing people how easy it is to activate orgasmically, activate our systems and to orgasmically cross train so we can basically feel so confident, so comfortable and have so much pleasure so easily that there's absolutely. We'd never even think about our libido and desire anymore because we. It's living, it's. It's fueling us.

[A]

It's like, yeah, yeah, Peggy Klein Patz's book Magnificent Sex. Or it's like, none of the experts say they are experts because they have a libido. Like, nobody who's an expert says, oh, it's because of my desire for sex. Nobody says that. And then we have a culture who's like, but my desire, but my libido. But my desire, but my libido. And I'm like, look at what the expert. It's like bodybuilding. It's like anything. Look at what the experts are doing. None of them are sitting around being like, I'm working on my libido to be better at sex. Like, nobody's doing that. So I just. I think that's very important. Can you break down something for me with the extended orgasm? So when I think of orgasm, I think of a pelvic floor contraction that ends in a release with the expanded. Are you talking about 20 minutes of pelvic floor contraction or are you talking about that part that I call it the liminal space, that part right before the pelvic floor contraction, which might actually be the release of energy. It's that bliss where you're like, I could hang out here for freaking ever. Is that what you're talking about?

[B]

Yes, it's the liminal space and that's ecstatic bliss. It can also be in this practice because the stroke is so light. You can stay in that moment of climax and extend that moment of climax. But then you use this little technique called peaking, which toggles the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system so you get this little moment of like a lack of stimulation that draws your body to want it to get like. It's like, oh, oh, I want more. And when it does that, it takes you up to the next level and then you have. It's just like arousal. A stair step where each subsequent orgasm lasts longer and becomes more intense. That's the expanded orgasm practice. And it is a practice that allows you, because you're doing it with a partner. So a partner's giving you the strokes, you're riding their ride, they're taking you. They know how to touch you and take you up and up and up. And it's a learnable practice and it's a wonderful practice for both parties. I'm literally having a date with my husband this afternoon before we go to our friend's house at 8 o'. Clock. We're squeezing in a date because we do this a few times a week and there's no expectation that we'll have intercourse afterward. 9 out of 10 times I want it, but if I don't, he's totally fine because I won't lay down. A woman won't lay down and butterfly her legs open and relax enough to have orgasms if she feels pressured. That there's a quid pro quo, dude.

[A]

And safety. Nobody talks about safety.

[B]

Oh, interesting. Well, this is something I learned from Dawse Eaton. She wrote the Ethical Slut. And one of the things she explained to me in a workshop one time was when you have both trust and safety so you can surrender with your lover and you have variety and novelty, then you have desire. And that's what happens in long term relationships. The novelty and the variety goes away and you're just having boring old same old, same old with daddy O. You know, and so I think that's really important. But the expanded and extended orgasms, the extended massive orgasm, when you're in that limbic conjoined trance state, it allows you to actually, and I'll just use a Lot of words here. And you pick your favorite flavor of this, because everybody comes at this from a different direction. Source Gaia. God consciousness. You get the palpable feeling that we are connected, Kelly. That we are all a part of a greater good, and that God, we need a lot more of feeling connected to the greater good in our society today.

[A]

And then, like, once you figure that out, you're like, yeah, yeah, I want more of that. Like, the desire there just flows.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I truly am thinking, like, a lot of women, they're just happy to, like, have good sex. They're happy. So to me, like, this is truly biohacking, because I just. I think of, like, the eight, like, people probably have figured this out for. Since ancient time, right. Of, like, okay, this is what the body does. The body can have sex. The body can orgasm. And then if you do this, it's a certain way, though. You get this, like, extra level in the video game.

[B]

You unlock God level.

[A]

Yeah. And it's like, you have to ease into that. Cause if you're just like, hey, nice to meet you. I help you find God in orgasm. People are like, I'm sorry. I. Like, I haven't had sex in a year. You're on a third planet at this point.

[B]

Right? That's a. We started with an advanced move. There's. Can I tell you two things that I want to lay in here so we don't lose listeners or viewers with getting. We. We went f. They can.

[A]

We're at over 300 podcasts. A lot of them can handle this. I got some smart people, but they. But yeah, bring the rest of the people in.

[B]

Let's lay some foundation stones here is really what I want to do. The first thing I want to talk about is how female arousal differs from male arousal. And literally the name of your frigging podcast. We are not broken, girl. You're not broken because you don't act like a fucking dude during sex. So that's one thing I want to really talk about. Thank you. I feel like it was very cathartic for me. Kelly Casper is very cathartic. So I have been waiting on my life to say that's on this show. So the second thing is. And I want to talk a little bit about that, because I want to go back to the lady boner and let women start to be kind to ourselves about how our arousal works and train our partners so they understand, because all they want to do is a good job. All they want to do is give us incredible pleasure. But they're Living in the same soup we're in. So that's one thing. And then the second thing that I'd really like to talk about is this idea of orgasmic activation. How do you play this body of yours? Such that she sees starts to be massively multi orgasmic in many ways. So I'd like to talk about that.

[A]

Please do. The stage is yours.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you. So. But I love all. I mean, I don't want to. It's not my stage. We're together. This is us. So the first thing is that when we talked about that erectile tissue and how we women have as much as men, it's just buried in all the nooks and crannies. And you initially said exactly the thing that I wish everybody would ask me, which is why do the nerves retract? Why do we lose sensation? Because of loss of blood flow, Loss of nitric oxide production that pushes blood into the pelvic bowl so that the blood pushes capillaries. So the capillaries are staying at the edges of the labia, the clitoral structures, the vaginal cavern, so that the nerves are still getting blood supply and they stay there so we can feel sensation. And so as we age and we get vaginal atrophy, which we can reverse with our vaginal estrogen and with nitric oxide supplementation. When we do that, then we can keep the nerves pushing to the edges. And that is going to help blood to fill the little tissue chambers, the little erectile tissue chambers to plump them up to send more signals to our biggest sex organ, our brain. So it literally all starts with blood flow. Nobody's talking about our lady boners.

[A]

No. And I think that some of the disappointing. There's multiple studies for the Viagra and the Viagra cousins in women. It doesn't all work. I think there's a role for topical, but I think in a lot of people it does work. And we just, just have kind of poo pooed it because one study didn't show it. But it's like these drugs because they're blood flow in men again, because that's where the studies are looking. Like it has decreased incidence of dementia because of blood flow to the brain. Right. And so like it's getting to. It should probably just be in the water.

[B]

Nitric oxide supplementation. Right. Nitrates converting to. Nitrates converting to nitric oxide.

[A]

Yeah. And then like to naturally do it because we know a lot of women do not exercise. But it's like just getting the blood flowing and we have Data that the more more you exercise, the better your sex life is.

[B]

The more you push with the hit. High intensity pink in the face.

[A]

Yeah, we gotta get the blood flow going. Even if it's, even if it's non sexual blood flow. The fact that the blood is flowing.

[B]

Yes. But I do wanna talk about yoni massage as well because that's I think very important. But I think that comes after the conversation. So now that we've established okay, we need nitric oxide production, we need to eat our leafy green vegetables, we need to eat our beet to get our movement. We've got to get all that stuff our vascular so we've got our nerves so that our brain can process the sensation. When the surface area is filled with blood, there's more surface area sending more signals. That's very, very important is that it takes us 20 minutes to get the same lady boner that our male bodied partners get in a minute or two. Ba doink. That's the normal. I know every hot sex technique. You know, I've written a thousand of them. And, and I still my husband, when I land on the bed, he knows we gotta do the heavy lifting together. We call ourselves Hashtag teamsweetie because I just need help getting out of my head into my body relax so I can let down. So my mouth can get saliva and let tears off if I need to. And my breasts can get heavy with the letdown and the lubrication can begin. The blood can flow to my pelvic bowl and the lubrication can come in. A big part of loss of lubrication is women are penetrated too soon. And we have even gotten aroused yet if it's not, and I'm begging you to get inside me.

[A]

Yeah. If you aren't like, I need something inside of me now. Don't put anything inside of you that sex ed 101. Nobody knows that. My joke is like, it doesn't know if it's a tampon. Like is this a tampon? What are you doing? Right, like you've got to give the vagina a heads up.

[B]

Yes. And playing with breasts and nipples, mouth, lips, tongue, throat. Those are connected to the vulva. And so they get things moving, movement, emotional movement, sensual movement, writhing, moving. All of these things really help a lot. And I love all the new generation of sexperts that are teaching female embodiment. Getting you in your body so you can feel things. They're doing a wonderful job with that. So I love that. So the second piece is a lot of this is the work of Dr. Nan Wise. You've probably had her on your show. I love Nan with her neural pathways and her.

[A]

The big picture of the brain on her sex book.

[B]

Yes, exactly. And the thing is that when we give ourselves time to get that blood flow in, there's another issue we have to overcome. And there was a really interesting study done. A nurse practitioner touched the breasts, nipples and vulvovaginal Systems of over 40 women and asked them, what does it feel like when I touch you here? And if you read all the verbatims and you net it out, it either felt like I feel shame being touched there, I feel pain being touched there, I feel numb, nothing. I don't feel that. I can't even feel you, are you touching me? Or it feels pleasurable. And what's interesting is that women get stuck in one neural pathway toward orgasm. Oh, I found my one. Okay, so lights are out, he's on top. He has to move his penis exactly in a certain way. And this will get me off. And that's how it going to have sex from now on. If there's one message I want your listeners to leave with, it's your body can have over 20 kinds of orgasms, and you can orgasmically activate all that tissue with loving touch and sensation. And I specifically say sensation because I recommend using a lot of different types of sensation on the tissue to awaken it. Because we're dealing with vaginal mechanoreceptors, clitoral mechanoreceptors, receptors. We're looking at raffini, you know, endings, nerve endings, and pacinian corpuscles. And you can make all that your bitch. So you can have incredibly hot, massively orgasmic sex every time with ease just by knowing how to work the operating system. And different tools stimulate different types of things. Some use pressure of the mechanoreceptors, some tickle nerve endings, some want stretching, some like process deep pressure, like deep vibration. You know, the Hitachi magic wand girls who are like, I plug mine in. Like I need a lot. You know, they like that deep. And then there's other women who are like, I am a highly sensitive person and I don't like noisy things or things that are too hard on me. And I've got a whole recommendation for those women that's an entirely different type of sensation. But ultimately all you're doing is you're active, you're bringing in blood flow, expanding the tissue, getting that lady boner. And that's. It's a lady wishbone is really what it is. It's a, you know, it's a teardrop in there. It's not just the tip of the clip, it's clit. It's all that delish. Perineal sponge, urethral sponge. It ain't a G spot, it's a tube. Get the whole thing blown up, right? And so if we have this idea, okay, now I'm going to stimulate all this tissue. I'm going to give myself time. I'm going to orgasmically cross train and what am I going for? Three kinds of orgasms. Three categories. One, locations to touch. Nipples, throat, tongue, lips. Clitoral structure, urethral structure, peroneal structure. The anal package. My feet, corgasms. There's so many kinds of erogenous zones in the body that generate orgasmic response. Number two, techniques, expanded orgasm, erotic hypnosis, female ejaculation. That's a kind of a combination of spots to touch and techniques to use. All women can ejaculate. It's not pee. Guys pee out of their penis and they ejaculate out of your penis. You pee out of your urethra sponge and ejaculate out of your urethral sponge. Your urethral sponge opens up inside your little labia. Your vestibule in there has two little exits. One is where your ejaculate comes out and your urine. One is the vaginal cavern. And so once you start to understand your anatomy and you start to understand, oh, okay, there's techniques I can use and then there's objects of desire. And that's where using the tools to activate the tissue accelerates your ability to have all this pleasure.

[A]

Yeah, I think, I think that's, you know, when people are like, what's the best vibrator? Is like, dude, what's the best meal? Is like, it's. That's a different answer for everybody. And it's really in learning what feels good, what's not too loud for you, what's not too cold for you, what's. What's rumbly enough? What's, you know, do you want it external? Do you want internal? There's so many different types that really being like, what's the one best meal in the world? Is like, you can't answer that question.

[B]

I've got a few favorites and I think these should be in everyone's pleasure chest. I think one should have an overflowing pleasure chest. How many more pairs of shoes do you need?

[A]

But dude, here's my rub. All the charging cords. Why can't we just have a Universal charging cord for all of our vibrators.

[B]

I agree. It is the biggest. It's a rat's nest. It's a mess.

[A]

It's a mess. Yes. Which is like, it's like, when you complain about taxes, you're like, you have the privilege of complaining about taxes is like, you have the privilege of complaining about too many vibrator cards. Like, it's not lost on me, but I'm like, I am not. I'm not. I don't tend to be a very organized person. So, like, it's a disaster.

[B]

Yeah, I hear you, sister. I really do. I really do.

[A]

I'm like, Brad. Like, I. I'm kind of to the point where I'm like, can we just bring back the battery vibrators? Because then at least I don't have cords everywhere. That's how bad it is.

[B]

That fills up landfills. We're not doing that, mommy.

[A]

Okay. Susan Breton,

[B]

ready for Susie's sexy show and tell?

[A]

I'm ready.

[B]

These are my current recommendations. So the very first thing, especially if you're in. If you're in a relationship, I think this is the most helpful thing that you can do is begin lovemaking with yoni massage. You know, it's great to talk about the, you know, the urethral sponge and the vulva and the vulva vaginal and, you know, all the corpinian.

[A]

You know, don't you feel like you should have a speculum in your hand when you're talking like that?

[B]

So I like the word yoni because it's a tantric lovemaking word. It's Sanskrit for the portal. And it is really just. I like to think about it in that more spiritual, sensual, kind of reverent, goddessy way where I'm not using a medical term. And so I like yoni. Like my little yoni, although I'm giant because I'm a giant woman, so that is really a nice word. And lingam is the penis, prostate testicle package. And I like that, too. So when I talk about a yoni and yoni massage, I think it's really important for a woman to lie down with her partner, and they hold each other, and they just check in with each other, and they get heart connected, and that allows the kind of everything to begin. It starts generating the oxytocin and warming up the. The systems. And then if she butterflies her legs open with pillows underneath and her partner sits on this perpendicularly to her is usually the easiest. But some like to go down between her legs, and you use some really Nice intimacy. Oil. I don't like lubes. Kelly. Lubes are FDA Class 2 products that have to be shelf stable and they are the ultra processed food group for your vagina.

[A]

Now I'm stealing that. It's too, it's too good.

[B]

There's nothing in lube anymore. We used to have aloe vera jojoba oil, coconut butter, whatever the fuck. Now it's methylcellulose, ba, ba ba. Polypropylene glycol, acetyl.

[A]

Well, we don't want to harm women, so we've got to take, take everything out of everything to not harm them. And instead we're just giving them crap.

[B]

I wouldn't even put that in my free. If I won't put it in my mouth, I won't put it in my yoni. And I make my own salad dressing. I'm not, I'm not going to eat carrageenan and emulsifiers and thickeners. I'm just going to use some oil and vinegar.

[A]

To me I'm like, I think it's because give me your opinion. But I'm like, oil is not great for condoms. And in this sex safe world we've gotten away from like, don't say what the people who don't use condoms can use. To me, I'm like, that's because I'm always like, dude, oil is room temperature and it's warm to me. I hate being cold. Cold is not sexy.

[B]

You've got temperature sensors on your vulva.

[A]

I'm from northern Minnesota. My whole childhood was freezing. Like it's childhood trauma.

[B]

When I'm warm, you need a warmed up yoni. You need to be very warm to me.

[A]

I'm like, oil is the best for that.

[B]

Yeah. So one of the things that I like is I like to start with one of two oils. There's two that I like. One is my pleasure protocol. And it's melts that have cocoa butter and CBD in them that you insert into your vaginal canal. And the oleic acid in cocoa butter is what your vaginal microbiome loves to eat for breakfast. I mean, and MCT oil is literally ketogenic brain food. So it's completely natural. And the CBD is very nice, non psychoactive. And you have a lot of endocannabinoids in your, you have the receptors in your genital structure that starts the mind body connection, the brain to vulva connection. So they're really good. And then I like to use like an arousal oil, like awaken or something like that. On the vulva to activate that little cinnamon, a little cardamom, things like that, natural essential oils, things like that. And then sex oil. Just solid, straight up MCT oil all over everything, super clean. Because a lot of women use coconut oil thinking they're doing a good job. Cocoa butter and coconut oil are very different. Cocoa butter has the oleic acid and it's emollient. But coconut oil has natural antibacterials in it which can disrupt the vaginal microbiome. So don't go get your food grade coconut and use that as lube food.

[A]

It's a food product. And to me, I'm like, especially so many women are so sensitive to infections and they're in dysbiosis of their microbiome and blah. So that's what always gets me cringy about. I'm like, if it works for you, great, but I'm not going to tell anybody to go use a container of coconut oil from the cooking aisle.

[B]

That's why I created the Pleasure Protocol. And it'[e-mail] for those of you who are like, where are the. Those things, those melty things with the oleic acid, et cetera as well. Everything that I talk about with regard to the tools and toys that I show you is always at. I keep the current [e-mail] that's where it all is. So if you're like, what was that thing? Just rest. You can just listen to us now and know that it'[e-mail] so because people need. They get really pissed at me if they don't know where to find the stuff that I told them about. So remember when we were talking about the Hitachi magic wand girl and the hypersensitive kitty girl? So for yoni massage, you get your partner rubbing all that oil on you. That's really nice. And then I like to have these. I like to have both of these because sometimes I am a kitty cat and sometimes I'm a lioness and I don't know, based on the time of the month. I'm 63 and though I'm still menstruating on purpose because I'm doing a little scientific experiment with longevity in my ovaries, it's my choice. I don't recommend that for other people. I use a lot of bioidentical hormone replacement and I always have for decades. But even after menses cease, you are still running with that moon girl. And so some days you want more sensation, other days you want light sensation. So that's why I think there's. It's important to have two different tools. This one is called the Queen, and it uses a technology that was, interestingly enough, totally matches your sweater, number one. Number two, I think you're gonna need one of these. I'll send you anything you want. Let me know, dude, let me.

[A]

I'll just give you my address after the.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

We'll text.

[B]

Yes, exactly. This was invented, interestingly enough, for men with intractable erectile dysfunction who could not achieve a firm erection, you know, maybe post prosthetic surgery or what have you. And it's called pulse plate technology. And this. This is that deeply penetrating sensation that gets the blood really into that erectile tissue. So nice. And when I explain how to give a yoni massage, I always like to talk about. I'm going to show you, okay. To show you a couple of vaginal illustrations here. I like to show women what's up, what's up inside there?

[A]

What's up there?

[B]

What's up?

[A]

What's up there?

[B]

This, of course, is the. The vulva. The outside. This is the mons venous or mons pubis on the top where the pubic hair is. And then down here is the outer labia or labia majora. And the pubic hair is on top of those. And then here's the clitoral shaft and the clitoral glands. This is our little tiny lady boner, but the lady boner is really completely inside here. And then here is the clitoral hood that turns into the inner labia and comes down to the fourchette or fork at the bott bottom above the perineum and the anus. And then if you open the opening of the little labia, that's called the vestibule. And inside the vestibule is that urethral exit where the female ejaculate and urine come out. And the vaginal opening, called the introidal sphincter. It's a round muscle. And then, of course, that goes into. I like to call it the vaginal cavern or pocket. It's like a pocket. It's closed. It's not open. It's closed until something's in it. And I don't like to call it a canal as much because I feel like that's patriarchal. It's like the service door.

[A]

It's like the term vagina itself means tushy.

[B]

Exactly. And that begets a lot of bad intercourse because men think that what feels good to the penis is what the vagina wants. I spend A lot of time teaching people how to have orgasmic intercourse by giving them techniques that. That make the vagina happy. So this is the vulva, but when I peel away the tissue, this is what is underneath. This is your lady boner. All of this, with the exception of the vaginal cavern, is erectile tissue. This is what's in his penis. This is what's in your vulva. This is what it looks like when it's engorged or has an erection. It would be flaccid. So when women in midlife are like, like, I have a vanishing. Where did my labia go? I tell them how to. And we might want to bookmark that. How to rejuvenate it. Because I don't like the term vaginal rejuvenation.

[A]

Nobody likes it except for the people who make money from it.

[B]

And it's bullshit. What, you're just gonna fix the part that the penis goes in? What about my lady boner? What about. And so this is why I like gay.

[A]

How about just giving women sex ed in the first place place instead of taking their money because they feel shameful.

[B]

It's not going to change. Not going to change for a long time. Not going to change in the current situation we're in either. You know what I mean?

[A]

It's getting worse, my friend. Why do we cut off our labia? Menorah? That's insane to me. Unless it's. If it's too long and it's catching on your bicycle seat, etc. Etc.

[B]

I roll that up and tuck it in before I would ever cut it off, right?

[A]

But to me, I'm like, we shouldn't pay $5,000 to look like a plastic Mattel Barbie doll. We should not do that.

[B]

That 99% of the men that I talk to, and I talk to a lot of dudes very frankly, all the time, for decades. They like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. They want draping labia on their face. They love to see that flower gripped around their shaft.

[A]

That's what I think women don't understand. Heterosexual men love having sex with women's pelvises. They love it. Let them have it, enjoy it. That women are like, what's he gonna think? Is he gonna know that I had a baby? Is he gonna know that I've had other penises? I'm like, the penis doesn't know. The penis is in love with what's happening to it right now. Let it just be in love with it.

[B]

Yes. And our vulvas are so beautiful. I mean, One of my very favorite

[A]

things in the world. They're insanely cool.

[B]

They're so pretty. And I love how they get engorged and how they blossom. I love when women call their yoni a flower, because that's one of the most common terms that women own. Genital structures. And the reason that I love it so much is that it connotes the blossoming, the engorgement, which is the thing we're. We've been missing because we didn't know to do it.

[A]

Well. So many women have sex before their pelvis is ready that they don't literally have a knowing of, like, your body will tell you when it's ready for that.

[B]

Yes. Because we were like service animals. So anyway, going back to the tools. So this one is wonderful, the queen. And this one is called Enhanced.

[A]

The Queen, which was made for men. Got it.

[B]

Love it started out fixing ed. Not fixing ed, not reversing ed, but giving guys orgasms who couldn't maintain an erection. And because they were flaccid, it wasn't feeling so good. So what did they do? They used the deep mechanoreceptor nerve structures to stimulate for orgasm. And that works on us perfectly. Same parts in different order, as Emily Nagoski said. And this one, called the enhance, has the air stimulator on it and vibrator so you can vibrate the tissue and you can air stimulate your little clit boner. Your partner can give you a bunch of orgasms before you even move to oral pleasuring or intercourse or any of those things. You want to prime the pump with all of these things, and it's really fun. These are two great tools for yoga.

[A]

What year did those air pulse machines start coming on the market?

[B]

A long time ago. They've been around a long time.

[A]

To me, like, nobody knows about them, and they're God's gift. They're just. They're just fantastic.

[B]

And they're nice for bringing blood flow into the clitoral structure, but they don't do the labial structures and the mons. The mons is your gateway to orgasm.

[A]

You can still have an orgasm and your vagina is not ready for something to go in it.

[B]

That's right. You can have a lot of orgasms, and that helps your vagina get ready. And the mons. The blood flows really heavily right through those areas. So to get engorged, when you stimulate the mons with those vibrators with those toys, then the blood can start kind of really running in and getting you engorged faster. So when a woman says to me. Will these help me get engorged? Will these help me get my lady a boner? Faster? I'm like, stop thinking about doing it faster. You get 20 minutes of uninterrupted yoni pleasuring before anything else happens. Ten of those minutes, you're going to be trying to get out of your freaking head and into your body Anyway. Take the 20. I'm busy. You're not that busy. Every time you have shitty sex, you put another brick in the wall of your future sexless life and you shorten your lifespan. Why not take another 10?

[A]

I love it. Well, to me, I'm like, if you're too busy to have good sex, then you're too busy to have good sex. And that might be enough of a wake up call to be like, what the fuck are you doing with your life? My other thing is the thought of this is taking too long. Tongue is a killer to orgasm. Like your body. Stop giving your body that pressure, my dear. You have to come back because, like, we didn't even scratch. Oh, my God, we're so done.

[B]

I'm coming back.

[A]

Seriously. We'd left a lot of leaves unturned. Good. I'm gonna like to as a teaser for the listeners, because I need to know, and we cannot rush this, so you gotta come back. I need to know when you've had your first orgasm. Not first one in your life, but the first one of the day. What do you do to prepare to get the second one? So that's the. That's the teaser that we're going to come back and discuss. Good. Okay. Oh, I love you. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of youf Are Not Broken. If you want to dig deeper with me, sign up for my Adult Sex Education Masterclass where you learn adult things like communication skills, anatomy lessons and desire types and how to talk to your doctor about sexual health concerns. Concerns. If you want the Adult Sex Education Masterclass for free, join my monthly membership for more in depth, exclusive content, more time with yours truly. A private podcast, coaching and educational empowerment. And you can watch my interviews live and get them immediately without advertising. Head over to www.kellycaspersonmd.com for the membership and Adult Sex Ed Masterclass members get the master class for free. Free. This podcast is presented solely for educational, entertainment and informational purposes only. I am a doctor, but not your doctor in this format and all of my platforms and guests, including on this podcast, are not giving individual medical advice or practicing medicine. See in consult with your own care team for your individual needs and concerns. This podcast is not intended as a substitute for the care and advice of a physician, therapist or other qualified professional. This podcast does not constitute the practice of medicine, in case you were curious about that and no doctor patient relationship is formed. But I still love you. Using the information on this podcast or any of my platforms is at your own risk. Until next time, remember you are not broken.