Michael Blaustein

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Guest: Michael Blaustein
Air Date: July 22, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of "You Made It Weird," hosted by Pete Holmes, features comedian, podcaster, and self-proclaimed "silly goose" Michael Blaustein. The conversation is a classic Pete Holmes blend—rapid-fire riffs, deep dives into the psyche of comics, observations on culture, and a hearty helping of vulnerable weirdness. Michael and Pete connect over the craft of stand-up, the push and pull of modern media habits, identity, spirituality, and the anxiety of keeping up in the comedy world.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Comedian Life: Headaches, Bit-Stealing, and Mansplaining

• Headaches as a Comic's Cross to Bear
  • Michael jokes about daily headaches:

    “I have headaches every day. We're all gonna die, right? Who cares?” – Michael (03:36)

• Bit Trading and Riffing
  • Pete offers up an unused bit about “mansplaining” cold plunges to women, which sparks a playful exchange on where ideas end up, and riffing as a form of collaboration.
• Comedy Writing Techniques
  • The two discuss losing bits after hearing similar material in another’s special, riffing on how inspiration and competition drive writing.

  “The reason I don't like listening to comedy specials is because I lose bits sort of inevitably.” – Pete (10:17)

2. Identity, Mirroring, and the Comedy State of Flow

• Code-Switching and Authenticity
  • Pete and Michael dissect how comics morph their personas depending on context—stage energy, mirroring audience or peer language, and the micro-tensions around code-switching:

    "I think it's okay to be multifaceted...but sometimes, you realize how much you're mirroring for belonging." – Michael (36:54)

• The Power of Being Folded In
  • They explore the deep pleasure of being accepted into other cultures (“folding in”), touching on ethnic backgrounds, the American perception of whiteness as the “default,” and how language signals belonging.

  “A tribe finds you, you're a baby washed up, and they raise you as their own. It's a beautiful thing to be folded in.” – Pete (41:39)

3. Culture, Media, and Modern Habits

• Clips Replacing Content
  • Discussion on media fragmentation ("nobody consumes stuff anymore"), the prevalence of clips, second-screening, and how audiences' attention is fractured:

    "People don't watch games anymore. People just watch clips—like SNL, just the bits." – Michael (80:14)

• Reaction Culture & Content Monetization
  • Pete and Michael vent about the rise of reaction and commentary content, feeling the value of creation diluted:

    “You just made 20 grand going [makes face]! I'm not really mad...but like, we're in an age where that's content.” – Pete (72:42)

• Comedic Ownership and the Speed of Feeds

  “The majority of the video is the masterpiece of the game...they're saying funny things, but the steak is the game.” – Pete (71:59)

  • Both admit to participating in quick content habits but long for deeper engagement.

4. Comedy Venues, Success & Contentment

• Balance, Ego, and “Making It”
  • The pair reflect on industry pressure to constantly tour, chasing bigger crowds, and how comparative anxiety fuels or inhibits creativity.
  • Pete advocates for measured ambition and mindfulness, while Michael admits the drive to “not lose steam” is hard to resist.

  "There is a making it. There's a membrane you cross and you feel it, like, oh, people know that thing I did. And now I can dial it in, customize it." – Pete (101:48)

• The Illusion of Prestige (Arenas vs. Clubs)
  • Higher prestige venues (arenas) are less creatively rewarding; intimate clubs retain their magic and risk.

  “The sound is perfect. You get on a roll in a way you can’t in a theater.” – Pete (104:13)

5. Spirituality, Psychedelics, and Existential Weirdery

• What Happens When We Die?
  • Michael:

    “Yes, and I hope not.” (107:34)—a perfectly weird, honest answer to whether it’s just over.

• Mushroom Insights and Revealed Heaven
  • Pete:

    “Everything that isn’t is stripped away...what heaven is, is here—now, there’s just some stuff murking up the water.” (111:00)

• Psychedelics for Perspective
  • Both relate the value of mushrooms/DMT for perspective, clarity, and seeing through the maze of anxiety and ambition.
  • Michael admits to yearning for spiritual practice but being uncertain where to begin.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Moment | |-------------|---------|------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:36 | Michael | “I have headaches every day. We're all gonna die, right? Who cares?” | | 04:22 | Pete | “You do not know the thrill of cornering a woman and just explaining cold plunging...” | | 13:31 | Pete | “See you in hell.” Daughter says this—riffing that his daughter assumes he’s hellbound. | | 36:42 | Pete | “There’s like a gum chewing. I’m not chewing gum, but it has the energy of a guy chewing gum...” | | 41:39 | Pete | “A tribe finds you, you're a baby washed up, and they raise you as their own. It's a beautiful thing to be folded in.”| | 50:25 | Pete | “Bragging is like gratitude on steroids.” | | 65:00 | Pete | “I wipe a toilet seat. With a lot of toilet paper.” | | 74:55 | Michael | "If someone came to me, I was like, hey, do you want to put your clips on gas station TV? I’m doing it tomorrow."| | 80:14 | Michael | "People don’t watch games anymore. People just watch clips—like SNL, just the bits." | | 107:34 | Michael | “Yes, and I hope not.” [on death and afterlife] | | 111:00 | Pete | “What heaven is, is here now—there’s just some stuff kind of murking up the water.” |

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• Start–09:13: Icebreaker banter, daily headaches, the joy and anxiety of joke creation.
• 09:28–16:19: Comedy writing, losing bits, culture riffing (mansplaining, tattoos, hipster culture).
• 32:07–36:14: The cold-weather comedy theory; why California isn’t funny, regional personalities.
• 36:15–43:34: Code-switching, identity, and being “folded in” across cultures.
• 50:25–54:50: Bragging in comedy and hip hop, gratitude, and the privilege of producing jokes for a living.
• 80:00–82:44: Modern attention spans, clips taking over long-form content, anxiety about being left behind.
• 101:48–108:02: Industry reflections—making it, balance, ego, and creative contentment.
• 107:22–111:47: Spiritual beliefs, afterlife, the revealing nature of psychedelic experiences.

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Tone & Chemistry

The tone is quintessential "Weird": rapid, playful, self-effacing, and at moments surprisingly deep. Pete mixes goofy metaphors with genuine philosophical questions; Michael meets him beat for beat with raw honesty, openness about anxiety, and an evident reverence for the creative lifestyle they share. The episode’s energy is fast, joke-dense, and infectiously silly—even when leaning into existential territory.

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Takeaways

• On Comedy: The path is never straight—bits are born, stolen, and reborn in an endless collaborative process. The state of flow on stage is real, and often contrasts sharply with off-stage personas.
• On Identity: The desire to “fold in” is powerful—for comics, for everyone. Code-switching happens naturally, but authenticity remains key.
• On Modern Life: The digital age fragments attention; comics wonder aloud how to adapt and whether adaptations are for the better.
• On Spirituality: Yearning, curiosity, and a willingness to not know are recurring themes. Psychedelics offer paraphernalia for perspective, but so do nature and relationships.
• On Success: There is a “making it”—but even at that threshold, contentment is a moving target that involves balancing ambition, connection, and genuine enjoyment.

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If You Only Listen to One Segment…

Make it [107:22–111:47]. Michael’s elegant “Yes, and I hope not” regarding death, and Pete’s articulation of heaven as a “revealing” of what’s always here, capture what is weird, honest, and beautiful about the show.

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Final Word

A freewheeling, laughter-drenched, and sneakily profound episode: two comics at the height of their riffing powers, grappling with changing times, inner doubts, and the fleeting nature of both bits and life itself.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonade. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is the delightful, the silly goose himself, Michael Blaustein. He. He has a new special that. That's on YouTube called silly goose. So that's probably why that phrase was on my mind. He's also the co host of the podcast stiff socks, which is where I met Michael. We hit it off immediately and I was like, you gotta come on. You made it weird. And that's what you've clicked on today. Clicked on makes it sound like content. That's what you've chosen to join. Join into today. So we're so glad you're here. It's a wonderful episode. It's Rift City. Check out Michael online on his website. You can go to see him on tour. He's going to do the Wilbur I just saw in Boston. But it's Michael. Sorry, it's Blau Comedy B l a u comedy.com and all of his tour dates are on there. Silly goose is available on YouTube as well as several other specials. And check out stiff socks, his wonderful podcast. We're so glad you're here. Go to my website as well. This intro stinks. Central is the worst. I am on tour. The next couple dates coming up are San Diego. No, that's not true. Portland, Verona, Portland, Maine. I should say Los Angeles. We have Vancouver, San Luis Obispo, Madison, Wisconsin, Seattle, Portland, Oregon. San Diego, Phoenix, Arizona. All of those are available on petehomes.com hope to see you out there. And my book, spells to cast on your parents. Whoops. My kids book. This is fun. This is an actual copy of it. I used to just hold up a. A dead book, but this is actually the book. There it is. There's Jesse. I did the art in. Sorry, I'm really having a hard time framing this up. I did the art in tape because I hate AI art. So I wanted this to look as human, made as possible and as flawed, sort of intentionally flawed as possible. So there's an image of Jesse right there. You can see that I did in tape just to make it fun. So it's called spells to cast on your parents. It'll be available in September, but you can pre order it now, which would mean a lot if you do. All right, everybody, in the meantime, enjoy my chat with the wonderful, the hilarious, the silly goose, Michael Blaustein. Get into it.

[Michael Blaustein]

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[Pete Holmes]

Why not?

[Michael Blaustein]

Good, Good. Why?

[Pete Holmes]

What are you eating right now?

[Michael Blaustein]

BC powder. I have a headache.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no, no, it's fine.

[Michael Blaustein]

I have headaches every day. We're all gonna die, right? Who cares?

[Pete Holmes]

Some of us.

[Michael Blaustein]

Keep going.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't have headaches every day.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay, you're saying for me to don't or for me just not to have them? I wish that's how things worked. Don't have them.

[Pete Holmes]

Cut it out. Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

My girlfriend's like, I'm sad. I'm like, hey, I'm not.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you a bit? That I've never found a place for it.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm gonna steal it. Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

You can have it. You can have it on the road.

[Michael Blaustein]

Hold on, hold on.

[Pete Holmes]

Why is this. Do you know this? No. I don't know. What. We're gonna talk about that. The bit is, I know we're not supposed to mansplain, but, ladies, you do not know the thrill.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Of cornering a woman and just explaining cold plunging to her. The rush.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's almost as good as cold plunging. And we did it.

[Pete Holmes]

Good night.

[Michael Blaustein]

Do I write for you now?

[Pete Holmes]

Do you write for me now? No.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, can I.

[Pete Holmes]

Why don't we.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Why don't we get little pods together like terrorists?

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay. Oh, terrorist.

[Pete Holmes]

It's been like a wework, but I went right to splinter.

[Michael Blaustein]

But have you seen the documentary for We Work? Because it's a. It's a terrorist organization.

[Pete Holmes]

It is a little bit.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Remember when he farts and he kicks his leg out?

[Michael Blaustein]

What's happening?

[Pete Holmes]

Europeans is what's happening.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, the pants are too tight. You ever meet a European, you go, oh, I can't wait to be their friend. Never. Never. Have you. No.

[Pete Holmes]

We're huge in the uk. This is massive. Such a problem riff cannot stand.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, you guys.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I actually. What? What was the we were guy?

[Michael Blaustein]

J.K. rawlings have it. Good actor.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Whiplash.

[Michael Blaustein]

What happened with him?

[Pete Holmes]

I think he grumped his way all the way to the bank is what he did. How come a fucker grumped his way all the way to the bank?

[Michael Blaustein]

Let me ask you this. How do you go from whiplash and you go, you know, what's next? Insurance. How does he score that gives you insurance? They both work.

[Pete Holmes]

Insurance.

[Michael Blaustein]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't though. What a thrill. I thought you were doing the, like. I'm gonna say the wrong thing.

[Michael Blaustein]

I was like, the right thing. No, but yours works. But yours works.

[Pete Holmes]

Yours also works. You went A to F. Uh huh. I went A to barely C. That's okay. I went A to the best Mexican improvisers go from A to C. And. And they studied under Del Taco and

[Michael Blaustein]

they worship Jose

[Pete Holmes]

Yeshish.

[Michael Blaustein]

Huh.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we trying to see.

[Michael Blaustein]

Are we doing Yiddish? You do Yiddish? I wish. No, I wish I am, but I wish I knew more. I knew, like, I knew what? I forget. I know certain elements, but I don't know the whole thing. It would be fun to know the whole thing. Yeah, just like the standard.

[Pete Holmes]

What's. Wait, don't tell me.

[Michael Blaustein]

Give it to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yadda yadda. Is that Yiddish?

[Michael Blaustein]

I think that's Seinfeldian.

[Pete Holmes]

Close enough.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

What? Yada Yada is not yada.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yada is not Yiddish. No, no. Seinfeld created that.

[Pete Holmes]

They did not create it. Dede showing that she's 29. Seinfeld did not create yada yada.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, here's the thing. Do they create.

[Pete Holmes]

Popularized it? That's not what we mean.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't create it.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course not.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, who's the first person to say yada yada yada? I mean, that's pretty fun.

[Pete Holmes]

It was probably like Julius Caesar. He's like.

[Michael Blaustein]

Or Julius Caesar and we start a podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome to Julius Caesar, like African King. You know how people go like African King. You can be like, this is my Julius Caesar.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know what you said.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't know African King.

[Michael Blaustein]

What's African King?

[Pete Holmes]

That's like a. It's like a. Like a way of celebrating a black male. My strong African king. Sounds weird when I say, huh?

[Michael Blaustein]

It does, it does. But that's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

We look, we're out on the Internet.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're trying to get people to listen.

[Michael Blaustein]

And it's gonna. And we're gonna.

[Pete Holmes]

You need corny white folk being like, you know, when a way to celebrate a black male, you call my African

[Michael Blaustein]

king or my Juneteenth.

[Pete Holmes]

That's Julius Caesar.

[Michael Blaustein]

Correct.

[Pete Holmes]

So, like a real sharp dressed, well haired Jewish man, you call him a Caesar. People go, why? And you're like, julius. And they go, what? And you go, jewel. And then they go, I don't want to hang out anymore.

[Michael Blaustein]

And you try to kiss them and

[Pete Holmes]

you go, my African king.

[Michael Blaustein]

And they walk away and they understand the African king pieces when they understand.

[Pete Holmes]

J.K. rowling. J.K. simmons.

[Michael Blaustein]

Simmons. Shit. We said. Rollins and I, we said. I said.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you said Simmons.

[Michael Blaustein]

We said.

[Pete Holmes]

Rolling, Simmons.

[Michael Blaustein]

Did I really play back the tape?

[Pete Holmes]

These aren't on.

[Michael Blaustein]

Shit.

[Pete Holmes]

These have not been on the whole time.

[Michael Blaustein]

How are you doing for years?

[Pete Holmes]

How am I doing today? That's what you're asking. You podcasting me? You straight podcasting me?

[Michael Blaustein]

Here's the thing. Every time I'm on another pod, I get uncomfortable because I podcast on my podcast all the time. I get semi uncomfortable. And I just. Then I just go, hey, let's ask you a question.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a good technique.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a good technique. Sometimes if you're ever on the stand, the lawyer's like, where were you? You can be like, where were you?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, how was your wife?

[Pete Holmes]

How do we know you weren't the killer? No one's ever done that, right? No one's ever thought of that. I'm sorry. Where were you? Yeah, where were you?

[Michael Blaustein]

I know where I was because I did it. I don't know where you were.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't remember seeing you while I was doing it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Did you submit it? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

This, this, this ide done a million trillion times, but 12 people that you don't know just up there telling me that I killed someone who invented that and when can we sit them down? And.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that was one of the bits that I lost. I. I don't really love listening to stand up comedy specials because. Well, for. I do love. Because it gets me writing. And I don't mean that in a.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I listened to Louis special and I probably paused and remembered kernels of old jokes, and I was like, I should re. Bring that back. And I think Louie's a good example of someone who really will take it to the essence. Like, really, like, what are you really saying? Yeah, he pushes it there.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So I go like, oh, right. If I apply that amount of force into that old premise, I think I'd have a good bit. The reason I don't like listening to comedy specials is because I lose bits sort of inevitably. And the one that I lost in listening to Louis special was putting your hand on the Bible and swearing to not lie. I just thought that was really dumb. And he beat me to it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Is that. Is that in his.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes, you have to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Which was right there. It's like we were all in the grocery store and there was just a huge watermelon with the. With the apples. It's so funny. Yeah. And I was like. Because I had a bit where I go, what year is it? In the courtroom, we have people putting their hand on the Bible. You can't have cameras in there. So they have a guy color pencil sketching the whole thing.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a lady on a typewriter and people wearing robes. There's robes.

[Michael Blaustein]

What's happening?

[Pete Holmes]

There's a gavel that he bangs if you get too loud. You have to stand when he comes in. He looks like he's getting a haircut.

[Michael Blaustein]

I've yelled about this 7,000 times. I don't wanna stand. I don't know you. I don't know what you did. You read a bunch of books and you're in a robe. Now I have to stand.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, now it's good for you. Well, he lives in an ionic pillared building. That shit works.

[Michael Blaustein]

Does he live there? He lives there. That would be funny if you became a judge and you had to live in the courtroom.

[Pete Holmes]

And you only find out when they make you a judge. You're like, you're a judge. This is the best day of my life. And you're like, guess what?

[Michael Blaustein]

There's a Cotton.

[Pete Holmes]

You live here? Yeah, like a nun.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's the thing about the White House.

[Pete Holmes]

Do live. Why? I have a joke about that. Prisons do live.

[Michael Blaustein]

Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

It is yours.

[Michael Blaustein]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

So is mansplaining.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

God, that's a. It's a fun bet, but I don't think it's gonna. I don't think it's going to last. I don't think it's going to last the length of a tour.

[Michael Blaustein]

I think it'll. I think it'll go. I think it'll go. I think it'll go. Because you are such a perfectional comedian. Well, no, I think that you. You're such a. You embody silliness. So I think when you say that, everybody knows I'm joking. You're joking.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I think it's very similar. Now I'm going to combo it myself. It's a very similar thing that I do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No, it's true. I was going to throw that right back at you.

[Michael Blaustein]

This guy's joking.

[Pete Holmes]

This guy's joking. He doesn't mean that he's joking.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes. He doesn't believe in the devil.

[Pete Holmes]

He doesn't believe you have a bit about the devil?

[Michael Blaustein]

No, but I kind of wish I did at this moment.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, we need new devil, red guy, horns, pitchfork.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. What does he do with that pitchfork?

[Pete Holmes]

I think he pokes your ass while you're roasting.

[Michael Blaustein]

Now I want to go down.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to go down there. You're getting poked in the ass.

[Michael Blaustein]

Underrated.

[Pete Holmes]

My daughter is goth. And she's like. She's seven, so she's not like, you wouldn't know she's a goth, but she says, I'm a goth. She loves goth. She loves, like, Jack Skellington. She just likes dark stuff. She looks. Talking about death. I saw a seal washed up on the beach yesterday. I went and got her. You're like, do you want to see some seal guts? She does. She's like, dope, dude. And she doesn't. I haven't taught her anything about afterlife or anything. If we see a dead bird. Yeah, I'll do some light. Bless you. Let you do some light, Pete. Kind of style, spiritual thing, but light, but no heaven. Hell stuff. And somewhere on the schoolyard, they still learn about it. So my daughter, this was a couple days ago. She goes, and then you'll die, and then I'll never see you again. And then she goes, well, I'll see you in hell. Well, I just realized I have to do that on stage.

[Michael Blaustein]

Of course. It's so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

See you in hell.

[Michael Blaustein]

Daughter's just assuming you're gonna go to hell. Yeah. Based on all your parenting, she hasn't

[Pete Holmes]

even been around that long.

[Michael Blaustein]

Everything that I've seen, I've been online for eight years. Or. You said eight. Eight. Your daughter's eight.

[Pete Holmes]

Seven.

[Michael Blaustein]

Seven. Ever. Everything that I've seen, I've come online seven years ago. And I know for sure that this person is my North Star.

[Pete Holmes]

And hell, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're my dad, my rock.

[Michael Blaustein]

Hell, Hell. Well, hell. Well, also, when she's emo. Goth, Goth, Goth, Goth. Maybe hell is not such a bad thing. So maybe she loves you enough that you.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. She thinks it's the awesome place.

[Michael Blaustein]

She does.

[Pete Holmes]

She doesn't think it's the bad place. She's like, that's where you go. Like, did you see? You didn't. Because you're a young man.

[Michael Blaustein]

Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

There's like a Trolls movie where there's, like, different factions of music, all right? The heavy metal ones, that's what. I know my daughter well enough. That's what she's picturing is hell.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

Triangle guitars. Guitars that look like a V. Why is that happening? Can we talk about this? There's no new moves. There's electric guitars. You can have it look like a V. Yeah. You can stick your hair up.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You can smoke. You can get a tattoo on your neck. It's over.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's done.

[Pete Holmes]

Drink during the day. Motorcycles. Just don't care about yourself.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Then you're a bad.

[Michael Blaustein]

And then you're fine.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you want to be a square, wear, like a khaki vest and have good posture. So done.

[Michael Blaustein]

But. But the. The funny thing is, it's all the same thing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's all the same.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's all the same. We're all gonna go to hell or heaven. It's all the same thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Michael Blaustein]

You're trying to rebel. The thing is, you're trying to rebel against the opposite thing. But you're. You're just rebelling. That's all you're doing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. I had you write that down. Bits.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, no, you can't. You can't. That's mine.

[Pete Holmes]

Look what I write down. Cobwebs. Different. Reminded me of another bit I had great. Where everyone gets cobwebs on the elbows. I'm making a very similar point.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, no, yeah, I know. I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is like. I know you do.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We gotta bring them along. Like, I know. I got it. I know you get it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah. We all understand, but it's like every

[Pete Holmes]

anarchist, every anti establishment nihilist is like. And of course, give me the cobwebs.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, don't be crazy. I want, like, fuck the police on my forehead.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then give me the cobwebs.

[Michael Blaustein]

And also, number two, can I get a kissy face? Is a kiss. Is it? Can I get the kiss? Can I get the kisses? They get the thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, do they? Is that a.

[Michael Blaustein]

They always get the. They always kiss.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. Teardrops. Yeah, I've heard that. Cobwebs means you killed somebody, too.

[Michael Blaustein]

Everything means you killed somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

Every tattoo except the hipster ones.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. I love Mom. You killed your mom.

[Pete Holmes]

Loved Mom.

[Michael Blaustein]

I loved Mom.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved Mom. Wait, why are you paying homage to her. You fucking killed her.

[Michael Blaustein]

You killed her.

[Pete Holmes]

Hipster tattoos, they look like micro machines. You got like a mouse trap. You have like a goose.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who.

[Michael Blaustein]

Who's Kyle? Kanane said, you look like a doodle pad and I lost my mind.

[Pete Holmes]

You look like a doodle pad.

[Michael Blaustein]

Lost my mind.

[Pete Holmes]

You look like God was bored in God class and started drawing on you.

[Michael Blaustein]

Did.

[Pete Holmes]

His is better. His is better.

[Michael Blaustein]

Credit. His is better. But God class is a funny visual, okay?

[Pete Holmes]

Because that's God class. We pitch it to Peacock, okay?

[Michael Blaustein]

Peacock is buying everything.

[Pete Holmes]

They'll buy it. God class.

[Michael Blaustein]

They bought the name Peacock. You know what I mean? They. Someone says peacock and they said, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Pee. If I say don't touch my pee.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Michael Blaustein]

Urine.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. What if I'm like, don't touch my pee, bro? But I do this.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, now we know. I mean my penis and means penis.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes. So it's dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. That's how you.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't have keycards at Peacock. They go, cock, cock, dik, dick. And then the door opens and then they walk in and then they go, we still got 30 rock in here.

[Michael Blaustein]

Good, good. Because everything else is bombing. Can I say it's not bombing? Because my girlfriend, God bless her soul. Why'd I say that like she's dead? She's killed her. She's very alive. Killed her. I love my girlfriend dead.

[Pete Holmes]

This is why you have headaches. Telltale headache. It's all the guilt you got kicking around.

[Michael Blaustein]

She watches Love island. So now. So watch. We. Now we.

[Pete Holmes]

Streamer is doing great.

[Michael Blaustein]

Dude, Tubi's not doing. You know what? I think Tubi is doing good.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay, okay. I'll go along with.

[Pete Holmes]

Why do you tell me why Tubi's doing great?

[Michael Blaustein]

Because the. Okay, this is my.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know anything about to be.

[Michael Blaustein]

This is my only touch point to. To be. To be through a sequence of blah, blah, blah meetings. Blah. They're buying stuff. They're buying a lot of stuff from creators. So I'm assuming either.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Either. Now I'm thinking about it. Either it's a flag that they're in that they're doing bad because they're buying from. It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry. No, it was so much louder.

[Michael Blaustein]

Why would you. Why would you apologize?

[Pete Holmes]

Is it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Hum. That's what I. Excuse me. No. What do you want me to hold it in?

[Pete Holmes]

I'll join you in this. Are you ready?

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm ready.

[Pete Holmes]

I open the door. One single. Single serving bathroom. One seater.

[Michael Blaustein]

Single serving. Is it food? What the fuck?

[Pete Holmes]

One seater. A single serving bathroom. It only serves one at a time.

[Michael Blaustein]

Or. Or maybe not. Have you ever had to go to the bathroom?

[Pete Holmes]

People are fucking in there. People are fucking in there.

[Michael Blaustein]

They're getting caught with fucking in there. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Gay bars. Any bathroom. People are fucking. I believe. I think this is why gays are so happy.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a hot take.

[Michael Blaustein]

Write it down.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean like a traditional Manhattan gay bar. I think a stall is good enough for the uptight, oppressed straight community.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The meat and potato classics. They want a single serving bathroom. Is this. Is this offensive?

[Michael Blaustein]

No, it's not offensive.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not offensive. But I am saying like I feel like the less sexually adventurous will have sex in a. In a one seater bathroom with a good lock. I want a turn lock.

[Michael Blaustein]

You know what I love?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to push button lock. What is this? Am I marking this as Diet Coke instead of Coke? I want a clack clank. I want it to sound like I'm about to watch Netflix.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. And. And people are watching Netflix. And my favorite part about a single serving bathroom. As you say.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Michael Blaustein]

When? When. When. When the door goes all the way. All the way.

[Pete Holmes]

I wanted to have that little rubber thing that kind of sweeps while you close it. I feel so you know what the bathroom is? A single serving bathroom is to an introvert. Huh? Your office.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's my own. We work.

[Pete Holmes]

It's your own fucking we work where you can kick out a fork because you're Euro.

[Michael Blaustein]

Do you know my favorite thing in We Work? I don't know if they still have them. They probably do when you have the single serve. Okay. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's every fucking rise and fall story. They're like. And then they fucking die. No. They sold and made $100 billion,000,000,000,000.00. They made a quadrillion. And it's still going.

[Michael Blaustein]

And they're still doing good.

[Pete Holmes]

They're like, oh, sorry, we worked. Nice try, guys. Fucking getting blown by a golden seal.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, nice try.

[Pete Holmes]

The place where you work this voice. Okay.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, it's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

He was Jewish.

[Michael Blaustein]

He was Jewish. Kibbutz. That was Yiddish.

[Pete Holmes]

Yidding me. You got to be Yiddish.

[Michael Blaustein]

You got to be yidding me. Why do people say that?

[Pete Holmes]

Why don't they make up that of course.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yada yada yada. And you got to be hitting me.

[Pete Holmes]

It does sound so close to a slur.

[Michael Blaustein]

It.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't love it.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't love it either.

[Pete Holmes]

How do you feel about this button?

[Michael Blaustein]

Let me see. Can I say this? Yeah, much better.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. Much better.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the pilot of Seinfeld. Buttons in a no man's land. I wish this button was like. Here they are. I wish it was here.

[Michael Blaustein]

Let me say this. I think because you're a tall man.

[Pete Holmes]

Tall man.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's an issue for you. Me, I'm five, eight. Probably buttons. Really great.

[Pete Holmes]

You read six one.

[Michael Blaustein]

You know what?

[Pete Holmes]

You got six' one in.

[Michael Blaustein]

Do you want to get blown right now? Do you want to get blown right now, live?

[Pete Holmes]

I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. Buttering your bread.

[Michael Blaustein]

Good.

[Pete Holmes]

I hugged you. I greeted you.

[Michael Blaustein]

You did.

[Pete Holmes]

My brain went. This motherfucker's six one. Good.

[Michael Blaustein]

Good. Five, eight. Five eight.

[Pete Holmes]

I was wrong about five eight.

[Michael Blaustein]

Can I say this?

[Pete Holmes]

Five Great.

[Michael Blaustein]

Five. That's the name of my second special. Five Great Five.

[Pete Holmes]

Dash. Great.

[Michael Blaustein]

I love it. Honestly. Can you write that down for me? No. I'm joking.

[Pete Holmes]

Cobweb tattoos. See you in hell. We got two grits already.

[Michael Blaustein]

We're cooking right now.

[Pete Holmes]

We're cooking on the glass steam. We are cooking.

[Michael Blaustein]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta be hitting me.

[Michael Blaustein]

You gotta be hitting me. Okay. But you. The button. The unbutton. Much better. And I will say this. I was just in Mexico and there's something about vacation in. When it's hot outside in another country.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Michael Blaustein]

I go buttons low.

[Pete Holmes]

I go buttons low.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's fine. I go low and it's fine. But if. But if I'm back here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

You can't go through. I want to look down.

[Pete Holmes]

Figure skater. Like, what is this?

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish I had chest hair. Do you?

[Michael Blaustein]

No, man. No. You want chest hair?

[Pete Holmes]

If I'm. If I'm wearing like a Hasselhoff V, like a. Like I'm from the future.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd like a little Mossman.

[Michael Blaustein]

There's something about chest hair.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you to see it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, I. Okay. I understand.

[Pete Holmes]

If I could infect you with something where you see me with chest hair only when I have my shirt unbuttoned that much. It's like a sweater you don't take off. You know?

[Michael Blaustein]

So do. Do you.

[Pete Holmes]

But I want to feel it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Do you? Right. That's what I'm saying. When I look at. Yeah. Do you know? I don't know. You know sports. I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you going to say?

[Michael Blaustein]

I was going to say Jalen Brunson. Doesn't matter. You'll get the reason.

[Pete Holmes]

Jalen Brunson. Jalen.

[Michael Blaustein]

Jalen.

[Pete Holmes]

Jalen.

[Michael Blaustein]

Point guard of the New York Knicks. It doesn't matter. None of this information matters what you say.

[Pete Holmes]

Knicks.

[Michael Blaustein]

Actually can't.

[Pete Holmes]

Knick.

[Michael Blaustein]

Knicks. Canadian basketball team.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, the Canucks.

[Michael Blaustein]

So Jalen Brunson, he is a point guard of the New York Knicks. None of that matters.

[Pete Holmes]

But.

[Michael Blaustein]

But he has shoulder hair.

[Pete Holmes]

Y.

[Michael Blaustein]

And I love him so much, but it bothers me. Shave it. Or not. Or not.

[Pete Holmes]

The executive that told Robin Williams to shave his hands for hook. Hit it if you don't know what I'm talking about. It's actually very unsettling. Cuz Robin Williams was a hairy guy and in Hook. They shaved him. Oh, they shaved him.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't like that at all.

[Pete Holmes]

From cuticle to testicle. They shaved him. His whole thing or just his arms? Okay, because the hands, like your shoulders, chest, we go like.

[Michael Blaustein]

All right, that's a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

We're that much animal, we're fine. But once it starts creeping in here, you're like, I'm sorry, what?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. What is going on?

[Pete Holmes]

And where do you. Where does your humanity begin? Because it's not the shoulder.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, no, no. It's unsettling.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a little too. Well, we don't like being reminded that we're primates and then like Red Eye, which is also a William Flights movie.

[Michael Blaustein]

Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never had a guest.

[Michael Blaustein]

Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fantastic. I hate those flights. The only reason you take a red eye flight is so you can say I'm in off the red eye. Guys, I'm sorry I'm a little late.

[Michael Blaustein]

100%.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the only reason.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's a flex.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, it's a flex. Yeah, yeah. You're so busy you couldn't fly during the day?

[Michael Blaustein]

I mean, do it during the day.

[Pete Holmes]

Do it during the day.

[Michael Blaustein]

Do it.

[Pete Holmes]

You got a pilot rubbing his eyes. Eyes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Can I?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I gotta be in New York on the red eye.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you don't.

[Michael Blaustein]

Go a day early, move the meeting. Move the meeting. Or go a day early.

[Pete Holmes]

6am go a day early, go early.

[Michael Blaustein]

If it's Thursday, go Wednesday. Fixed your problem.

[Pete Holmes]

Fixed.

[Michael Blaustein]

Fixed is a fun word to say. Fixed.

[Pete Holmes]

Fixed. Fucking red eye.

[Michael Blaustein]

Stupid.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just people that like complaining. It's like having kids. Red eye is kids.

[Michael Blaustein]

Red eyes, kids. Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

My daughter. My kid was up all night.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's what they're supposed to do.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying. And you're the dumbass that bought the ticket.

[Michael Blaustein]

You did.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it said the time on the website.

[Michael Blaustein]

You're the dumbass at the time.

[Pete Holmes]

You buy.

[Michael Blaustein]

You're the dumbass ticket. You're dumbass that, that tried to sleep.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'll sleep.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, you won't. You won't. No, you won't.

[Pete Holmes]

They'll sleep in 45 minute increments.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. And, and, and the foods may be worse. The whole thing's gonna be fucking. You're gonna get off and you're gonna. You think you're gonna do well in the meeting.

[Pete Holmes]

Food. When do you serve the food? There's no meat. It's not the Puritan times. Here's the 3am Nosh.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's your porridge. There should be a fucking working fire and they should be heating up porridge by candlelight. If you're eating at 3am like they used to. Boom. They did.

[Michael Blaustein]

They did.

[Pete Holmes]

They used to wake up in the middle of the night.

[Michael Blaustein]

I wish when you're on a red eye, this is written really nuanced. I wish on the red eye. You can let them know when you want the food. I know this is crazy. There's 19 people know what I'm talking about. But, like, stop waking me because. Because if I. If I want to go to sleep, if I want to go to sleep, if I want to go to sleep, then I missed the food.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you see Fall Guy?

[Michael Blaustein]

Nope.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not. It's good. I don't believe I was going to say it's not bad. But then I realized that that was kind of like, why did I think it was going to be bad? Did you see Fall Guy, Katie? It's good, right? Yeah, it's really.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, you were like, okay. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie also really liked it. I liked it. I don't know. I like, I like a little bit more danger in my gosling. You know what I mean? I don't need that. I don't need that milk chocolate gosling. I want like a cacao with like cayenne gossip.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. I want to taste it and go, ow.

[Pete Holmes]

I want a little danger in my gosling.

[Michael Blaustein]

You have to.

[Pete Holmes]

And sometimes he's just like, nah, this one's for everybody. And I'm like, do you, Ryan? But I'm not gonna like it as much.

[Michael Blaustein]

The Hail Mary. I wanted a little more danger. But. But what are you gonna do?

[Pete Holmes]

Hail Mary was for everybody. I liked it, but that's my criticism. It's for Everybody, including you. Including me.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. Did you like it? Hail Mary.

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it. Okay.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that you had. Okay. And.

[Michael Blaustein]

And then it just. It really soils.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

You're like.

[Pete Holmes]

You go up. I liked it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. The up is crazy. You like your wife? She's good. All right. Well, she's dead underneath the basement. Yeah, that's underneath the basement.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what you do. Yeah, that's what you do.

[Michael Blaustein]

You have to. Yeah, that's what you do have to.

[Pete Holmes]

You guys know I love Magic Mind. There's one right here on my desk because I'm constantly drinking it. It is matcha. It's nootropics. It's adaptogens. It helps you dial in and get in a flow state, basically on command. I drink it before shows. I drink it before this podcast. I'm always trying to get the guests to drink a Magic Mind because it just lights up your brain. It helps you think, it helps you make connections. It helps you with creativity and focus. It's amazing. Especially if you're trying to drink less coffee. It's a wonderful life hack. I drink the original before the early show when I do stand up. And I drink Magic Mind Free, which is the caffeine free version before the late show, because I don't want caffeine that late at night. Sometimes I drink the Magic Mind Max, which has more caffeine in the morning instead of a cup of coffee, and I absolutely love it. And I drink Magic Mind sleep at night, which now has a microdose of melatonin. I used to be so anti melatonin, but they did all of this research to figure out that a little boost, a little bit of melatonin helps your brain go, oh, we're making melatonin now. And I've been sleeping so much better. So my day is filled with Magic Mind literally before I'm doing this podcast, before I'm sitting down to write, and even at night because of Magic Mind free and then Magic Mind sleep. So you gotta try it. I absolutely love it. I'm always talking about it. And right now, Magic Mind is hooking up weirdos with 20% off. 20 your first order, just go to MagicMind Co weird and use promo code weird at checkout for 20% off. That's MagicMind CA and use promo code weird at checkout. You've heard me talk about quints before because I genuinely love the clothes that they make. They made a Mongolian cashmere sweater. That's become one of my daily essentials. I love it. Val loves it it's so well made, so comfortable and really high quality. But now that it's summer, I've been checking out their linen collection as well. Hundred percent European linen pants and shirts that are breathable, easy to throw on and start at just 34 bucks. Perfect for the hot weather. Their tees are soft enough to wear all day and their lightweight cotton sweaters are perfect for once the sun goes down. What I love about quints is that everything is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they work directly with ethical factories that cut out the middlemen you're paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing. They become one of my favorite places for home travel and everyday essentials as well. So make your summer wardrobe easier and support the show. Go to quince.comweirdo for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N C-E.comweirdo for free Shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comweirdo this episode is brought to us by our friends at Gusto. Gusto knows that running a business means wearing a lot of hats. You start wanting to make the thing you love, but before you know it, you're thinking about payroll, hiring, tax deadlines, onboarding, all the stuff nobody really wants to do. Nobody starts a business to run payroll, but that's why so many companies feel such a relief when they switch to Gusto. Gusto is online payroll and benefits software built for small businesses. It's an all in one remote, friendly and incredibly easy to use so you can pay, hire, onboard and support your team from anywhere. It handles things like automatic payroll tax filing, direct deposit, benefits and HR tools all in one place. You get unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price with no hidden fees. Plus it's quick to switch over. You don't pay a cent until you run your first payroll. So try Gusto [e-mail] weird and get three months free when you run your first payroll. That's three months of free [e-mail] weird one more time. Gusto G U S T O.com weird where were we? Red Eyes oh he in fall Fall guy. There's a lot of good humor. Gosling, I will say this for him, has in all of his movies including, what is it Hail Mary like you remember, he's wearing the cat shirt. Like Gosling knows what he's doing. That's like Gosling. It's like he I don't know if he has writers, but they all know his brand of humor. I'm wearing a cat shirt.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, he's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

He's funny. No, I think he's very funny.

[Michael Blaustein]

What was it? Crazy Sexy Love.

[Pete Holmes]

Crazy Stupid. Love is fantastic.

[Michael Blaustein]

Stupid.

[Pete Holmes]

The One with Russell Crowe Funny. They're very funny.

[Michael Blaustein]

Funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Funny, yes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Canadian funny. He's Canadian and Ryan Reynolds is Canadian.

[Pete Holmes]

They're all fucking funny up there. It's so cold. They're inside.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not even joking. They're inside. Growing personalities. You ever meet someone from fucking Tahiti?

[Michael Blaustein]

Not funny. Why are you drinking a coconut, eating Dungeness crap? You're not good. You have no personality. It's too warm.

[Pete Holmes]

Hot tape, hot climate. Not funny.

[Michael Blaustein]

Not funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Not funny.

[Michael Blaustein]

Not funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Seinfeld said there's nothing funny about California because nothing is a problem.

[Michael Blaustein]

Nothing is a problem unless you have a problem. Unless you create your own problems inside. Inside. If you have issues inside, then you're. Then you're good. But you have a good family and you're from California. Not funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Not funny.

[Michael Blaustein]

Not funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Not funny.

[Michael Blaustein]

Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Not funny.

[Michael Blaustein]

Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, in and out.

[Michael Blaustein]

Off.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Have you ever. The animal fries. You're not funny.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what is funny? New York.

[Michael Blaustein]

So funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Proof glass. Chinese restaurants that are numbered.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Dragon palace number three.

[Michael Blaustein]

Where's one and two?

[Pete Holmes]

This is the trilogy. This guy's got a trilogy restaurant. And they're still getting shot up.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They got bulletproof glasses.

[Michael Blaustein]

They.

[Pete Holmes]

They have bulletproof glass on Dragon palace number one. Yeah, they opened another one.

[Michael Blaustein]

Can't.

[Pete Holmes]

There's danger. There's still, like. Keep them going. Keep them going.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, also, maybe that's a Yelp review, but maybe it's just people do be yelping. What's that? But it. Maybe it's a testament. Maybe it's testament to how good the checker wings are.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe they're so good. Lives to give them to you.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

They're so good, someone's gonna try and take them.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's what I'm saying.

[Pete Holmes]

So come. Strapped.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't say strapped.

[Michael Blaustein]

Don't say strapped. You can if you want.

[Pete Holmes]

I know it's funny. On stage. You do this too.

[Michael Blaustein]

Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

On stages, I throw in yo's and stuff.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, of course.

[Pete Holmes]

I like it, though.

[Michael Blaustein]

I like it, too.

[Pete Holmes]

I like hip hop.

[Michael Blaustein]

It fit Me, too.

[Pete Holmes]

The Jewish people. Go ahead, you guys.

[Michael Blaustein]

We're very close.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what. I'm very close.

[Michael Blaustein]

And I don't know what.

[Pete Holmes]

We all bought the Beastie Boys we all bought it. Yeah, we all bought it.

[Michael Blaustein]

I had an LA Dodgers hat, and I wore it backwards to the side like LL Cool J. I didn't know what I was doing.

[Pete Holmes]

And the ladies loved cool hat.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't even know if you did. I wore FUBU.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I watch N1 mixtapes and I wore long N1 shorts.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Michael Blaustein]

I loved it. And I don't know what it is. Maybe we connected through struggle.

[Pete Holmes]

I do think there's something to it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

I do think there's something to oppression and suffering.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And dancing. I know this sounds maybe crazy, but, like, sometimes there's so much pain on a culture that it has to come out of the body and music that now I don't like talking.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, no, no, I agree. You ever seen a person from Manchester dance?

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying.

[Michael Blaustein]

Boo.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying.

[Michael Blaustein]

Boo. Sit down.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me for real comedy. I shouldn't be representing that perspective. I should be saying, have you ever seen me dance? If you spent your summers in Cape Cod, you dance like a fucking idiot.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. If you know what a sex on the beach is. Sit down.

[Pete Holmes]

Sit down. You're not funny.

[Michael Blaustein]

You can't d. Can't.

[Pete Holmes]

But Jewish people, in my experience, a lot of them. A lot of them dance. All right, dude.

[Michael Blaustein]

Hey, let me tell you something.

[Pete Holmes]

Played jazz. All right.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I went to high school. A lot of. A lot of Jew jazz. Yeah, a lot of Jewish jazz.

[Michael Blaustein]

Playing with their nose. Sorry. I did, I did. I can say it. I can say it.

[Pete Holmes]

I said it funny. Jewish jazz comedy album name. I won't even say it, but you say it.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'll say it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll say it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Saxophone playing with your nose. It's just called saxophone. It's not good.

[Pete Holmes]

Samsophone. And you have long hair and you're Samson.

[Michael Blaustein]

Great. Or the album cover. The saxophone is the nose. I don't know. I enjoy all of it. I didn't know why I had it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but you were into. Oh, so then I. Sometimes when you're on stage. I'd love to hear you speak about this. Because of the way you are on stage. You are kind of. I watch clips of me sometimes, and my wife will be there, and I'm kind of like code mixing. It's like, here's Pete, husband with. With my family. We're watching a clip because Jake, my wonderful social guy, will send me a clip to approve. So I'm often watching clips of myself.

[Michael Blaustein]

100%. Me too.

[Pete Holmes]

And I hate it. Me too.

[Michael Blaustein]

Hate it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so embarrassing.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's awful.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll be on a plane and I have to approve clips, and I'm just. And I'm laughing.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. No, that's also the worst. Well, can I say this?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, this guy's got my number. I like this guy. And I often don't remember where I was going.

[Michael Blaustein]

Me neither.

[Pete Holmes]

And that brings me back to my point that I'm gonna give to you the trance. We're not saying special, just the flow state of comedy. All jobs, a lot of jobs have flow states, but when I'm doing comedy, there's like a gum chewing. I'm not chewing gum, but it has the energy of a guy who's chewing gum. Or maybe smoking a cigarette leaning on a jukebox. There's just like a gravitas and there's a yo. Like, I would never really say yo, but I'll be like, yo. Or. And it feels authentic.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. In the moment. Right? It is.

[Pete Holmes]

And then later, 11am, I'm watching it at my kitchen table. I'm like, who is this guy?

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, because I think it's okay. Code switch is not okay, but I think it's okay to be multifaceted. Like, I'm going to.

[Pete Holmes]

What is it? I thought code switching just meant, like, is that a bad thing?

[Michael Blaustein]

In some context, it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it is.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought. Sorry, teach me. I thought it just meant, like, here. I'm in podcast mode.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Later I'll be in dad mode. I have to code switch to dad mode.

[Michael Blaustein]

I think that's the positive aspect of the bad. Bad thing is if I had Jalen Brunson here, and I was just like, man, yo, man. Like, yo, the Knicks is the. You're like, why are you doing that for me? I'm not. What was that?

[Pete Holmes]

Mirror neurons.

[Michael Blaustein]

Mirror neurons.

[Pete Holmes]

Mirror neurons.

[Michael Blaustein]

Mirror, mirror. Why can't I say this? Mirror, mirror, mirror neuron. I can't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Michael Blaustein]

Mirror neurons.

[Pete Holmes]

Mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror. Mirror neurons.

[Michael Blaustein]

Mirror. Dude, mirror neurons.

[Pete Holmes]

Just mirror me.

[Michael Blaustein]

Mirror neurons. Oh, girl. Got it. Okay, good. Okay, we did it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you just kind of did it. Like, if I do it all the time, I think I fly just under the. But if I have. Like, you just said, girl, I met a fan, a gay man recently, and we were talking and I just went, girl, like, what am I doing? I don't know, but I mirror neuron.

[Michael Blaustein]

Your mirror neurons in it.

[Pete Holmes]

Trying to. But then it becomes cringe. My daughter will be like, dude.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When she knows.

[Michael Blaustein]

I know, I know, I know. But I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Go ahead.

[Michael Blaustein]

I was just gonna say, I think if you carry that with you for the majority of the time and you don't switch specifically to that group, I think you're fine.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I say you're doing everybody.

[Michael Blaustein]

I do everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Doing everybody.

[Michael Blaustein]

So I do everyone. But I will say, I can't lie. Fully transparent on this show, as I always try to be. If there is. If I'm around an African, like a group of African Americans, there is a part of me that goes, don't do it. Do not do it. Be yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Because I do find myself. And I go, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just do what you do.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what you mean?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's not unique to races. When we were in junior high, we were mirroring whoever seemed to be in charge. It was to feel like you're safe. And if you're. I don't know if you're at a group. Let's take. Because white, black is tricky. But if I'm at a party and everyone's Greek, I might throw out an opa.

[Michael Blaustein]

But it's everyone's Greek.

[Pete Holmes]

Someone drops a plate, you're not gonna be like, not as loud as everyone else.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah. Just a little.

[Pete Holmes]

Throw it away. Throw it away.

[Michael Blaustein]

But it's fun to be part of the groove. It's. That's what I. Yeah, it's fun. That's. But is it. But is it our fault? Like, we were trained since we were, like, little. Little things, you know, fucking 2,000 years ago. I don't know. I don't know history.

[Pete Holmes]

It's safe.

[Michael Blaustein]

We want to be part of a community.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, this isn't funny at all. And I'm gonna keep it real tight.

[Michael Blaustein]

Great. I'll switch. Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

It is. It's the Holocaust. There were.

[Michael Blaustein]

I was joking.

[Pete Holmes]

Jewish. A Jewish survivor of the Holocaust reported that he was watching. I don't know why, but they were watching. Not like hundreds of Nazi. Like a parade, like a show of power. So hundreds of Nazi soldiers are going by. Thousands of people are watching, and they're all doing the Heil, the Sig Heil. And the guy. The Jewish guy, as an adult, said, it took every ounce of strength in my body to not do it. Obviously, these are the enemy. These people are killing us. And when you saw everyone. Thousands of people doing the same thing. It's like, again, I'm not trying to be funny. That's tragic and real. I'm just saying to Take it out of that. It's like the wave. Sit during the wave. Hard to do.

[Michael Blaustein]

It is hard to do.

[Pete Holmes]

Hard to do.

[Michael Blaustein]

But I will say, too. And I don't want to get back into this, but I'm gonna get back to this. Don't you think there is something to be. To be said about, like, that show of power and they feel so powerless that they sort of want to be part of the power? Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I think anytime I see people wearing basketball jerseys, anytime I see people wearing Jordan sneakers, anytime we're. We're so much of us are seeking external sources of relevance, power, significance.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just kind of what we do. And when you're in a group, the OPA example, it feels kind of nice.

[Michael Blaustein]

It does.

[Pete Holmes]

And when. If a group of Greek guys, like, I'm Lithuanian, and I didn't grow up feeling super identified as a Lithuanian necessarily. And then when I started learning a couple phrases in Lithuanian that one Christmas, because Christmas is when I felt the most Lithuanian and I'm saying them, I do feel exactly like the guy who's letting out an OPA and isn't Greek. Because I don't really feel. There's nothing in me. If I look at my experience that I go, okay, here's the Lithuanian. You know what I mean? I'm just an empty thing.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And now, so I'm going, like, I'm saying something Lithuanian, they're loving it. Or I'm eating something aggressively. Lithuania, they're loving it. That feels so good. Same as being folded into someone else's culture. It's like a tribe finds you, you're a baby washed up, and they raise you as their own. It's a beautiful thing to be folded in.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And to fold someone in feels really beautiful.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, don't you think also that, like, white people, for the most part, in, like, American white people besides Jews, like, don't. There is no thing to be folded into. Like, it's almost like not cool. Not. It's not cool to be white, but. But kind of. It is, right?

[Pete Holmes]

No. It can feel like the neutral, even though it's not.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

There. Val and I talked about this. There is an aggressive American culture. We just don't really know it. It's like rock and roll.

[Michael Blaustein]

Blue.

[Pete Holmes]

We're both wearing blue jeans. Minor blue, but you know what I mean. We're both wearing jeans, both wearing running shoes. You're wearing a T shirt.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

There are parts of the world where you would be wearing, you know, a completely different style. Of dress.

[Michael Blaustein]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

We would have beards or not have beards, our haircuts.

[Michael Blaustein]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

We are in a culture. And that is. What is that? It's not exactly white privilege, but it's ethnocentric. Like, white people think that their culture is the base and everything is added on to it. Like, I. No, I know. How old are you?

[Michael Blaustein]

40.

[Pete Holmes]

Really? Yeah. I don't know. I said that. I just. I wanted to let you off the hook and be like, I didn't know that until like last year. So you're still way ahead of me.

[Michael Blaustein]

Good.

[Pete Holmes]

But when I was in Australia, I was like, the word is N o, no. Oh, no. And then I go, you go, no, no, no, no. Right?

[Michael Blaustein]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, you're fucking it up. And Val was like, that's funny. But it's ethnocentric. It's like you think the way you say it is correct and they think the way they say it is correct. And I'm making fun of it from my position of.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, just like the circumcised, uncircumcised thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, take them out.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's like, it's like uncircumcised. You're uncircumcised. Uncircumcised versus circumcised.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Uncircumcised is Android.

[Michael Blaustein]

Boom.

[Pete Holmes]

Uncircumcised as Android.

[Michael Blaustein]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

Because Android only exists in opposition to iPhone.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, was it? And yes.

[Pete Holmes]

No. I read something somewhere that was like, even people that break away from the iPhone cult and get an Android, the main feeling they have about their Android is not iPhone. Uncircumcised.

[Michael Blaustein]

Got it, got it, got it.

[Pete Holmes]

But you're still saying. It's like saying non white, which they used to.

[Michael Blaustein]

Crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

That used to be a thing. It's like a non white person came in that's like saying. And it is very similar to iPhone. It's like, we have the numbers, there's a lot of iPhones. And then you say, non Android, non iPhone, non iPhone, non circumcised.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's. It's. Yeah. I mean, you don't realize you're doing it until. Until you have a conversation. Yeah. The non white. It's. We are the base, which is not right.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's an arrogance to the culture. And there was a time when, like we would be wearing togas and philosophize. I don't know what the Greeks doing.

[Michael Blaustein]

No. Who knows? They were doing not great stuff as well.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, man.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. Not doing. Not great. Not great. Opa.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of stuff to say. Opa. A lot of your catchphrase is like, what are you gonna do? Like, you're not.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, right. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I bet in Japan there's no word that means, what are you gonna do?

[Michael Blaustein]

No, because they know what they're gonna do.

[Pete Holmes]

75 point plant.

[Michael Blaustein]

I know it.

[Pete Holmes]

Fix that.

[Michael Blaustein]

Have you ever been?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Michael Blaustein]

I want to go. Would love to so bad.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's going to be. And I say this with great respect, as a. Like a way of going to another world.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Same planet, but like a completely different. What draws you to. Yep. Pan.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't think that's how you pronounce I. I. Well, no, I think it's similar to your feeling where I want to experience something so different than what I ever experience.

[Pete Holmes]

No offense, Australia, but that was my problem with Australia is I was like, this feels like the States, dude. Have you been, too? And that's just me. I would rather be somewhere where I'm like, oh, you eat, you know, eyeballs. That's a dumb example. I just want to feel like, what are you eating? What are you doing? What are you looking at? In Australia is like, well, we go to the movies, we go to comedy. I loved it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, it was great.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was a long trip to go to Houston.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes. I went to Australia. I mean, Australia. I went to Hawaii for the first time when I was so.

[Pete Holmes]

With respect, I know there's parts of Australia that are unique, that are. So please everybody relax. I just didn't have any time to go there.

[Michael Blaustein]

Right, right. And what I'm about to say, exactly. I'm a mirror. Your neurons. It's the same thing. When I went to Hawaii, I landed because everyone's like, this is the best. I landed. I go, cool. I'm in Boca Raton. This is Boca Raton.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Michael Blaustein]

Where were you? I was in Honolulu.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

And it was. I literally. My. This is not even a joke. My hotel was next to a cheesecake factory.

[Pete Holmes]

You need to get off of that. That one?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That is Boca Raton.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. Yeah. I was. I was pissed.

[Pete Holmes]

You. You were. So now I feel like how the Australians must felt when we were shitting on that because, like, you were one 15 minute plane ride from, like, to where?

[Michael Blaustein]

Where do I go?

[Pete Holmes]

Maui.

[Michael Blaustein]

Maui.

[Pete Holmes]

What's the other one? Kauai.

[Michael Blaustein]

Kauai.

[Pete Holmes]

Kauai.

[Michael Blaustein]

What happens there? What? Why is it so different? There's like, they watch Moana and go to sleep.

[Pete Holmes]

I love It. I love. I love a riff. Moana.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, Moana.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want clear. I don't want the.

[Michael Blaustein]

Stop it.

[Pete Holmes]

Absolutely.

[Michael Blaustein]

Stop it.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't want the live action. Who.

[Michael Blaustein]

Who asked for that? You know who asked for it. Capitalism.

[Pete Holmes]

Capitalism.

[Michael Blaustein]

Capitalism. BlackRock made a phone call and they go, weak. The rock. Black rock. Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

They call him Blackrock.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, blackrock. You know, the company that owns everything. Rothschilds. I don't know. Oh, you know blackrock.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think it's blackrock. It is, like, Bilderberg.

[Michael Blaustein]

Who? No, blackrock.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so neither of us are Q.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's put that to rest.

[Michael Blaustein]

That was a great documentary.

[Pete Holmes]

Which one?

[Michael Blaustein]

The one about Q. Did you see it?

[Pete Holmes]

I watched the anarchists on HBO and then it started playing a miniseries about QAnon.

[Michael Blaustein]

Maybe that was it. Maybe that was it.

[Pete Holmes]

But then it was like, this contains disturbing images, and I was like, not in the sauna. That's right. That's right. Fucking eat shit, dude.

[Michael Blaustein]

Fucking.

[Pete Holmes]

Fucking eat shit. I'm living it. I'm living that life.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm living.

[Pete Holmes]

Why do rappers. Only rappers get to brag, right? Only rappers.

[Michael Blaustein]

I feel so weird. I feel so weird, Brad. I can't. I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why we love hip hop.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why we love it. We're just like, oh, mirror.

[Michael Blaustein]

They're so free, though. They go free. Here's my maybach. Here's my nine bitches. I'm worth $80 million.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Michael Blaustein]

And you.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you imagine?

[Michael Blaustein]

Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

An authentic. Like, sometimes you must feel this. I'm like this. I look at my house and I.

[Michael Blaustein]

Like.

[Pete Holmes]

This is from talking about my assault.

[Michael Blaustein]

Talking about my ass. I go, semen, Semen. Semen. Semen. Semen.

[Pete Holmes]

Semen.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, I just pointed to stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Jizz, stop. I'm kicking it in, my son.

[Michael Blaustein]

Like, this is from Jizz Star. This is it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's great.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes, it is great, but it's also.

[Pete Holmes]

We're humble and we're grateful.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying to correct it, but it would.

[Michael Blaustein]

But I. Because I never do it, so. You're right. I never do it because I feel very weird about being like. Yeah, it's just what I do. What I do. So I look at that. I look at the rap culture and I. And there is a part of me, subconsciously that envies that part of it.

[Pete Holmes]

It does.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I've been. I found out late about Mac Miller. Do you like? I love Mac Miller. See, but everybody already knew about Mac Miller. Imagine if you just found about Mac Miller.

[Michael Blaustein]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, Now I'm like, wow, this guy.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Ye. So much bragging.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's like the book thing, and it

[Pete Holmes]

just makes me so happy.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's like the book thing. When you're. When you're. When you read a book and you can't wait to tell people, and everyone's like, yeah, man, came out 27. You're talking about. You're reading 1984.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just read the Let them theory.

[Michael Blaustein]

You ever hear about a Game of Thrones books? Like, all right, man. All right.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly. I'm late, late, late. Jim Gaffigan had a bit where he's like, I just saw Heat. They're like, everyone saw heat 30 years ago. He's like, but I want to talk about it now.

[Michael Blaustein]

He's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. That's an old gap.

[Michael Blaustein]

He's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

Jim Graff again.

[Michael Blaustein]

What were you saying? You were saying you brought up Mac Miller rapping.

[Pete Holmes]

Sauna Qanon. Not gonna watch it on the sauna.

[Michael Blaustein]

Miller. You brought. You're like, do you know Mac Miller? I just.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but I'm just talking about, like, I think anybody. Anybody that's alive in the modern age can have something to brag about. It's fun that we do jokes, and it's a privilege and a gift. This is my real voice, not my bit voice. But it's good to be grateful. And bragging is like gratitude sort of twisted or twisted sounds bad. It's gratitude on steroids.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Wouldn't you say? Can you brag without feeling grateful?

[Michael Blaustein]

Can you brag without feeling grateful?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm saying, like, aren't rappers doing a gratitude list? I got my jet, I got my smoke, I got my chain. This is so fucking corny. My examples.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm just saying, I would like to know what you think smoke is. You said, I got my smoke, and I just want to know.

[Pete Holmes]

Weed, smoke.

[Michael Blaustein]

Weed smoke. Got it.

[Pete Holmes]

But what did you think it was?

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know. Smoke from a gun is what I was thinking.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you went to violence.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. Not good. Maybe that shows more about it. But at the end of most of those rants that they have musically, rants they say, but I came from nothing. So it is. To your point, it is a gratitude.

[Pete Holmes]

But Macintosh Miller just goes like, I just graduated high school. That's his flex. He's like, I haven't even really. Nothing really has gone that crazy. I'm just this good, and it feels good.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just feel good.

[Michael Blaustein]

Right. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I kind of walk around and I'm like, look at my fucking fruit.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I got a big old bowl of fruit.

[Michael Blaustein]

I bought organic blueberries.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody's got blueberries like me. Nobody's got blueberries like me. I knew exactly how many rappers are doing gratitude lists.

[Michael Blaustein]

I like it. It. I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Just because you have attitude doesn't mean it's not gratitude.

[Michael Blaustein]

The only non gratitude is when they go, yo, I killed three people. And you're like, well, are you.

[Pete Holmes]

Or there was a rap. Ron Funches had that bit about the rap that started with. And I probably your. Like, that's the first line.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's great. It's great. But even. But even that. Even that it started.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, a lot of it is aggressive genes. Like, that's not even a joke. It's like, a lot of it is like, I'm. I'm a lot.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. Whenever I hear people bragging in that way, it could be a billionaire cornball who's having a lot of buildings and a lot of kids. It's the same thing. It's like, there's me and there's a lot like me. It's just basic cells under a microscope.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

There's a cell going, I'm the. And look, I'm reproducing. Like, if you're rapping about sex.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you mentioning no condom. Are you mentioning fucking how many times she had orgasm? All this shit is up in your reproductive possibilities. You got kids, right? You're making more. You're expanding your empire. You're the ambitious gene.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't ever. I don't ever feel, you know, the guy that put my name on it. Legacy is the word I want.

[Pete Holmes]

Legacy.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't get it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm with you.

[Michael Blaustein]

Who? You're gonna die. Say less.

[Pete Holmes]

Say less.

[Michael Blaustein]

So what? There's a library in Tucson that says Blaustein out. Who gives a shit? Who care? In 19 years, in 10 years, someone's gonna be like, I don't know what that is.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's the great Mitch Edward joke. No. Dimitri Martin. He goes. Statues of historical figures are a great way to know what the greatest minds and people in history would look like covered in bird. I just said it. Way too many words.

[Michael Blaustein]

But. But I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so with you. I don't think we're. I think we could do with more legacy.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I think. Here's what I'm saying.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Legacy and that value. How will I be remembered? Yes, I'm with you. By the way.

[Michael Blaustein]

Who Cares? Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Say less. Yes, I completely understand. I think one of the problems is. What am I, Andy Rooney? I'm just saying we're all living. Every American, it seems, is living like it's just them. They're just a shooting star burnout. Burn fast. Smoke it if you got it, eat it, lick it it, sleep it, taste it, experience it, and then die and you're gone. It's a little nihilistic. Whereas we used to have more of an appreciation of your name, your legacy, your line, your family, your country. What do you mean? Like, everybody, it seems, is trying to do as little as possible, get away with the most possible, and make the most money from doing it. And of course, we are the biggest people in the world. A lot of them have done those sorts of things. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we would do well if we had more of like a. Like every old myth, every old culture used to have, like. And the stars. That's. That's this guy and this person and that place and this thing. And we had this connection to the past, and now we don't. We're just like, go put your balls in sprinkles and have a dog lick them off because you're gonna die tomorrow. And I'm like, I don't know if that builds the kind of culture we want to live in.

[Michael Blaustein]

No. So. So what is it, though? Because legacy to me and to you is dumb, right? But also the sprinkles are the ball sprinkles. Ball sprinkles is also dumb. So then what do we meet ourselves in the middle, which I think maybe the meat in the middle. Meat. Hey, now I'm hungry. Sandwich meat in the middle. I love it. What's your favorite sandwich?

[Pete Holmes]

I love a turkey with something spicy.

[Michael Blaustein]

You like turkey?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, bro. Wow. What are you up. What are you about? You like a corned beef, man?

[Michael Blaustein]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

You fucking cat's deli, man. You'll have what she's having.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't like cats, can I say that?

[Pete Holmes]

Guess who doesn't want 700% more corned beef? Thank you.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't care.

[Pete Holmes]

Ban me.

[Michael Blaustein]

Can I ban me? Can I ask? Can I get half? You? Give me 2 inches. Give me 0.5 inches.

[Pete Holmes]

Give me 0.5-inches.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't want to have to dislocate my jaw to eat a motherf in sandwich.

[Pete Holmes]

Also, double up the pickle. Why are you giving me 700% more corned beef than I need?

[Michael Blaustein]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

The bread is barely hanging on for Dear life.

[Michael Blaustein]

Where's the one pickle? Where's the moist?

[Pete Holmes]

Give me three pickles. Give me 1 8. The meat.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

And also give me the fuck out of here. I don't like these little tables.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't like the little tables. I don't like the lines.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like the lines. I don't like you thinking you're better than me because you have matzo balls.

[Michael Blaustein]

No one cares.

[Pete Holmes]

You're back there scooping balls, and I feel, like, scared to order from you.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Beat it.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't like it. I don't like lines. I don't like the name.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry. We gotta do an ad. Kat's Deli is located in the Lower east side. Since 1932, wow. Kat's Deli has been the home of the Too big, dislocate your jaw. Anaconda sandwich with one pickle, famously ordered under duress.

[Michael Blaustein]

You do feel so stressed.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's the Soup Nazi kind of feeling.

[Michael Blaustein]

But that's what I love. When I moved to Harlem, I tried manners.

[Pete Holmes]

Manners, manners.

[Michael Blaustein]

I tried it. I went into the bodega and I said, pardon me, sir, may I play? And then someone just cut me off and yelled some stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

I've talked about this before. In New York, being polite is impolite. You go, tuna on toast.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's it.

[Pete Holmes]

You yell it.

[Michael Blaustein]

But it's like. But it's like. There's no. Just say it. Just say it. And then I learned after two weeks, walked in, yelled it, and we're good.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

And it was a learning lesson.

[Pete Holmes]

The I love you is underneath.

[Michael Blaustein]

Under.

[Pete Holmes]

In California, you go, I love you.

[Michael Blaustein]

You have to say it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like, I appreciate you.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so close to I love you. Just say it. I appreciate you. Just say you love me. Just say you can't bear the thought that I'll die one day.

[Michael Blaustein]

I like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Just say it.

[Michael Blaustein]

I like that. I like that more.

[Pete Holmes]

You park my car. I can't bear the thought that you'll die one day.

[Michael Blaustein]

Turn around. And you don't have to tip the person.

[Pete Holmes]

Instead of tipping them. I haunt them. I can't bear the fact that you'll be dead one day.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't like. I don't like. I don't like the. The I love people are throwing I love yous out like Halloween candy, and I don't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

And.

[Michael Blaustein]

And I. And I'm a culprit.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, me too. I don't like to be. I got a colonoscopy. Do it. No big deal.

[Michael Blaustein]

And before I was there, it was really, really good.

[Pete Holmes]

Michael is there to learn.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What an ass should look like. Jk. They give you the pictures. They give you, like the they of the inside, but they also give, like a wide closer. I don't need the. No, the flip book.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You want me to relive this at home?

[Michael Blaustein]

We don't need a point 5x straight to the trash.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, who needs to. The trash?

[Michael Blaustein]

The problem is. Well, maybe that's a lesson. Maybe if you leave with the pictures, they go, cool. Put an apple tag in this guy's head. We need to track him because. Because the mentality of a person is gonna keep those pictures. We don't need them on the earth. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

They could have put something up there.

[Michael Blaustein]

They could have. You have no idea.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say Mission Impossible 3.

[Michael Blaustein]

Remember, be awesome.

[Pete Holmes]

That was a great little.

[Michael Blaustein]

That was a great.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a great movie.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's a great movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Phil Hoffman. RIP rip. I almost had Pieces, but like, that's from a movie.

[Michael Blaustein]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

I come in peace.

[Michael Blaustein]

You're damn right.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Michael Blaustein]

Sorry I fucked it up.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you didn't.

[Michael Blaustein]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

There's a bad science fiction horror movie called I Come in Peace. There's a bad guy and all he says is, I come in peace. And then the good guy who kills him at the end, instead of hasta la vista, that sort of thing, he goes, you go in pieces.

[Michael Blaustein]

You know what? I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

In the 80s, that's all you needed. The alien says, I come in peace. I come. That's how you pitched it. Yeah. It's a bloodbath. But then at the end, he goes, you go in pieces. And they go, ah.

[Michael Blaustein]

They buy it and they give you $10 million and it still looks like shit. It looks awful.

[Pete Holmes]

Everybody looks like they're made out of Silly Putty.

[Michael Blaustein]

What is that? No technology.

[Pete Holmes]

No technology.

[Michael Blaustein]

Don't love it. Don't love it.

[Pete Holmes]

No class.

[Michael Blaustein]

I hate it.

[Pete Holmes]

This episode is brought to us by our friends at Three Day Blinds, the only company I'm aware of that decided to make blinds 20, 26 style. Everything is smart. My thermostat, my lights. Blinds are still living in 1994. No more thanks to Three Day Blinds. They made it so easy. They made it streamlined and they've made it modern. They are the better way to buy blinds, shades, shutters and drapery. They're the leading manufacturer of high quality custom window treatments. In the US and right now, if you use our URL three day blinds.com weird. They're running a buy one, get one 50% off deal. The best part is they come to you. They're experienced local design consultants, help you choose exactly what fits your home, give you a free no obligation quote the same day, and they handle the measuring and the installation. No crooked blinds. No, I think I measured it right. They do it all. Plus they've got thousands of options, including blackout shades and smart blinds that work with Alexa. The blackout shades are obviously awesome. We have a video game room. We need it to be dark if we're playing Mario Kart. So right now get quality window treatments that fit your budget with three day blinds. Head to three day blinds.com weird and their buy one get one 50% off deal on custom blinds, shades and drapery for a free no charge, no obligation consultation. Just head to the number three day blinds.com weird that one last time. That's buy one get one 50% off when you head to the number three. D A Y blinds.com weird.

[Michael Blaustein]

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[Pete Holmes]

What were you gonna say?

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know. What was I gonna say?

[Pete Holmes]

I guess that's my.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, no, no. We were talking about let's get back. This is fun to get back. We can do it.

[Pete Holmes]

We can do it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Let's do it.

[Pete Holmes]

We're talking about.

[Michael Blaustein]

We went from Mission Impossible. Let's go backwards.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Mission Impossible 3. Yeah, you had something on that.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Phil Hoffman.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, Phil Hoffman.

[Pete Holmes]

Before this.

[Michael Blaustein]

Rest in peace. Mission Impossible.

[Pete Holmes]

We did that.

[Michael Blaustein]

Let's go back.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm proud of us that we got back one topic.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it. No, no, before.

[Pete Holmes]

That was before that.

[Michael Blaustein]

Cole, not yours.

[Pete Holmes]

You Zoom in the.

[Michael Blaustein]

Zoom in.

[Pete Holmes]

Flip book.

[Michael Blaustein]

The flip book.

[Pete Holmes]

What am I gonna. Apple tag? They can pull something in me.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, you should.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't know the thing.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but it's okay.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know. Oh, I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I love you.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

So before I went down, feeling very vulnerable. Ass out.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Gown side. You're on your side. You see the camera? You see where the show's gonna happen.

[Michael Blaustein]

Who else is there?

[Pete Holmes]

There's like seven people there.

[Michael Blaustein]

Maybe. Maybe too many. Why is there so many people?

[Pete Holmes]

There was a doctor.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's all you need.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but if it's. You need another person there to be like six people.

[Michael Blaustein]

Got that joke.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great. To be like, doug, that's enough.

[Michael Blaustein]

Somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody needs to have eyes on. Stop. Doug. Doug, that's too much.

[Michael Blaustein]

Not even Dr. Doug. Just Doug. Doug.

[Pete Holmes]

Once you're up to your shoulder in another person's butt, you lose your medical credential.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's over.

[Pete Holmes]

You're Doug now.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, you lost it in his ass.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. Go find it.

[Michael Blaustein]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's done. Doug. Hey, Doug. Got it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Hey, Doug. He's sweating.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, Doug. Doug, Doug. He's like, let it go.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's like letting a patient go. He's gone, he's gone, he's gone. But before I went down, I was a little nervous.

[Michael Blaustein]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Thanks.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Preach.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't like when people shorten words. Can I say that? You can do it. Doesn't matter. I don't control you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I do it too much. I told somebody recently, there's a restaurant, I go, they got a DC's.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't even know what you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Decent Caesar salad.

[Michael Blaustein]

Does that make sense in your head?

[Pete Holmes]

I hated it. I also had no memory of saying it because then Val came up and the person went, pete said they have a DC's. And I went, no, I didn't. I definitely did.

[Michael Blaustein]

100%.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't even notice it anymore.

[Michael Blaustein]

I say stuff all the time. People go back and they go, you set? And I go, there's no any. I did. I don't. I'm not gonna remember 90% of this. And I'm having a blast.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, me neither.

[Michael Blaustein]

With my brain.

[Pete Holmes]

Nothing.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Add.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

In the future, we are. Will be celebrated.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

As a superpower. Uh huh. That. It is.

[Michael Blaustein]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry I wasn't good at regurgitating Yalls. Bullshit. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't memorize the boring ass shit you said. I'm too busy putting my dick in the earth and making new volcanoes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't. I can't. I don't know. The middle of the Iliad. I'm sorry. I'm catching butterflies with my toes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. That's right.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes. Deal with it. Yeah, sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Crisp with a knife's edge.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We weren't in line.

[Michael Blaustein]

Sorry. I don't understand Bunsen burners.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you want to put me on speed? How about you just write down everything I'm saying? Yeah, that'll be speed for you.

[Michael Blaustein]

And why don't you memorize that?

[Pete Holmes]

Memorize what?

[Michael Blaustein]

I said, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the guy on the stand. Where were you? The kid in the class? No. You memorize what I say?

[Michael Blaustein]

No, I have a question for you, actually. I have a question, Mrs. Peters. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What's the capital of Michigan? How about this? Why does it feel so good? I tried to think of one. Couldn't do it.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Why does it feel so good to scratch your butthole sometimes?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's dirty.

[Michael Blaustein]

Is it? Do wet wipe. Wet wipes. Wet wipes.

[Pete Holmes]

We have them in the downstairs B room. This is my brag again.

[Michael Blaustein]

Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

Got an upstairs on the downstairs. This is my hip hop. I got a very old sauna and I have two bath. Well, three bathrooms.

[Michael Blaustein]

Wow. Do you have stairs?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Wow, you're doing good.

[Pete Holmes]

Gotta have stairs.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't have any stairs. I live in an apartment.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you're gonna want stairs. Rick Glassman's apartment has stairs where he films his show.

[Michael Blaustein]

It.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, you take your shoes off at the bottom of stairs.

[Michael Blaustein]

Why do you have to take your shoes off? Are you a shoes off person?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Give up.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's over.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna die.

[Michael Blaustein]

This is what I said.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what's on that microphone?

[Michael Blaustein]

That's what I'm saying. My first reaction to it is, goes. I go, how clean is your steering wheel? Do you have any idea how disgusting your steering work? And you have the audacity to tell me to take my Asics off?

[Pete Holmes]

Off. I wipe a toilet seat.

[Michael Blaustein]

Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

With a lot of toilet paper.

[Michael Blaustein]

You do?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, I do.

[Michael Blaustein]

I go, raw dog. I'll be dead in 17 years. Who cares?

[Pete Holmes]

Let the pee pee touch the chichi. Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Maybe that's why I have staff on my ass.

[Pete Holmes]

Could be. Maybe I do wipe it. I even wipe the part that's not lid. You know how it's like this. I'll wipe this part. Yeah. But then. Okay, you know what I do?

[Michael Blaustein]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

I toss. I use it with paper towel, get paper towels on my way in, wipe. Then I toss it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

To where the sinks are. This is if I'm, like, alone to get it after my poo.

[Michael Blaustein]

Wow. This is.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna get it after.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Then I sit and it's clean. But I did just wipe the seat. And now I'm using my phone.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's all show.

[Michael Blaustein]

It is all.

[Pete Holmes]

It's all show.

[Michael Blaustein]

Because the wipe. Let me. Let me say this.

[Pete Holmes]

The wipe is also just. It's a smear.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's a smear. There's no lights. All on the toilet. It doesn't even matter.

[Pete Holmes]

So gross.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's. You're just moving. You're moving shit. Particles just to go.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I did what I could do.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's life.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's worse because think about it. The particle is just a particle. And now you smear it out.

[Pete Holmes]

You've activated it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You've alivened it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Put it on the surf. There's more surface area of the particles now.

[Pete Holmes]

They were mobilized.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They were like a front. And it's like, oh, I guess we're going to ass war. And you are. And they can see the goal. And they start and they go up there. Of course they do.

[Michael Blaustein]

And which brings us back to your colonoscopy. So there's 22 people in the room.

[Pete Holmes]

And I said, I love you before they put me down. I said, I want you to know I love you all. And I meant it.

[Michael Blaustein]

So did you really?

[Pete Holmes]

I really did. Because it was very.

[Michael Blaustein]

Whoa, whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Just give that a jostle.

[Michael Blaustein]

Is this normal?

[Pete Holmes]

It's not battery powered. That's never happened before, ever. Wow, that looks okay.

[Michael Blaustein]

Now turn it off. Okay. Oh, now it's off. Oh, now it's on.

[Pete Holmes]

That's fine.

[Michael Blaustein]

Great.

[Pete Holmes]

We were so ready, Katie. To be like, you shouldn't have turned it off. We were so ready. You were like blood in the water and we were sharks. We couldn't wait to riff on. You shouldn't have turned it off.

[Michael Blaustein]

It made noise. What did it say?

[Pete Holmes]

I love you. Oh, well, that's what. Look, I don't like going to the hospital, obviously, but, like, there is a tenderness to being in someone else's charge. Like, I'm about to be unconscious.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm expecting. There's no homophobia here. I'm just saying. You're going to enter me in the 80s. We'd be like, oh, at least buy me dinner first. That's so dumb. Anyway.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's so dumb. Where would you go to dinner?

[Pete Holmes]

Where are you gonna go?

[Michael Blaustein]

Where? Cats.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're saying you want this to be the thing.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You also. You're saying you want to get romanticized before you get entered.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Michael Blaustein]

Is it worse?

[Pete Holmes]

My doctor. Prostate. Ted. Hey, at least buy me dinner first. Like, also, the implications of, like, if I buy you dinner, I'm owed. Penetration.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's what I'm saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is all in there.

[Michael Blaustein]

And who's paying?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, the doctor pays.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The doctor has to buy you dinner

[Michael Blaustein]

so he can enter you because he loves it.

[Pete Holmes]

The implication is he loves it. His finger is. Oh, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know how many fucking. Ugh. Just because they're doctors doesn't mean they're just repressing the Ugh.

[Michael Blaustein]

They hate it.

[Pete Holmes]

They hate it.

[Michael Blaustein]

There's no way. Here's the thing. If they liked it, they wouldn't do it because there'd be cases.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what they're thinking. You ever do a hell gig and you figure out how much money you're making per minute?

[Michael Blaustein]

100%.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what they're doing. They're going, 7,500.

[Michael Blaustein]

I would like them to say it out loud.

[Pete Holmes]

I would like it, too.

[Michael Blaustein]

I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

7500. What was that? Going to Bora Bora? Because I put my finger in your belly.

[Michael Blaustein]

Maui. Maui.

[Pete Holmes]

Not Honolulu.

[Michael Blaustein]

I would like them to say where they're going. You know, hot tub. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

New kitchen.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. Corvette. My wife's gonna hate and just comes out.

[Pete Holmes]

They deserve it.

[Michael Blaustein]

They do.

[Pete Holmes]

They do deserve it.

[Michael Blaustein]

They do.

[Pete Holmes]

The bit that I've never tried that I can't get to work is about how porn stars deserve to be paid and they deserve to not be pirated.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

No one will go with it. They'll kind of understand what I'm saying, but, like, it's just weird. If I put a clip of Top Gun on a website, it'll be. It'll be flagged 100. Unless I'm a YouTuber talking over it, which is. Why is that?

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

And in this scene, you're just. That's the movie.

[Michael Blaustein]

You know what I hate?

[Pete Holmes]

Why are you allowed to show a major spoiler from Fantastic Four? Because you're reviewing it.

[Michael Blaustein]

What? Makes me.

[Pete Holmes]

So where'd you get this footage? Sorry.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, no, no, no, no. You. Makes me so. So. You know what? I'm gonna sound negative and whatever. What Makes me negative. What makes me so mad head is when people just watch viral. Viral videos, they go, whoa, 20 million views. You didn't make it.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't do.

[Michael Blaustein]

You didn't do anything.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't do.

[Michael Blaustein]

It makes me wait, you know, whatever. Do whatever. Whatever. Whatever you. Whatever you want to do. I don't know why that bothers me so much.

[Pete Holmes]

I know why.

[Michael Blaustein]

Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the same thing. I'm saying somebody makes. I. I watch a lot of, like, video game review videos because I don't have as much time as I used to.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fine. Wouldn't trade it for the world, but like, I don't play video games, but I still want to see what's out there.

[Michael Blaustein]

Really.

[Pete Holmes]

I watch a lot of reviews. The reviews or like, you know, dunkey, dunkey. Video game, dunkey. I love them. I'm not dragging it. I'm just saying the majority of the video is the masterpiece of the game. They're playing it and they're saying funny things.

[Michael Blaustein]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But the ma. The meat, the sizzle, the steak is the game. It's what I'm. It's. I'm saying the same thing. I. I know that there are reaction videos to things I've done, and it's just somebody going like. Or worse. They're just like.

[Michael Blaustein]

Which is. Which is.

[Pete Holmes]

And it has millions of words.

[Michael Blaustein]

Which is worse.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is fine. Except we're in. We're in that age where 20 million views that. Well, you know, they say it's $10,000 for every million views. That's not quite right.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's not quite right.

[Pete Holmes]

We both know that.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. That's not quite right at all.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe.

[Michael Blaustein]

Maybe it depends. Depends on where we're at, really.

[Pete Holmes]

Depends on where.

[Michael Blaustein]

Depends on where. What platform we're at.

[Pete Holmes]

Fair.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But you can say. Let's say it's a thousand. That's a very low estimate per million. You just made 20 grand going. I'm not. I'm not really mad. I'm not that kind of guy.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm not either. I don't even know why I brought it up. I don't even know I brought up.

[Pete Holmes]

You need some people to do it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. Well, also, the. The positive to that is, like, people are still consuming stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like me.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna tell you something my dad said because I think you're so. You're so much like me. My dad said this about taxes, and it's how I've always felt about taxes. He goes, if you're paying taxes. It means you made money. It's all right, Katie, a little nuance.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, it's great.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fine.

[Michael Blaustein]

It goes film noir and then back to regular. I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Suddenly we're in the spider verse, the Nick Cage one, and now we're back in the regular one.

[Michael Blaustein]

Have you seen it?

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody saw that.

[Michael Blaustein]

Zero people, right?

[Pete Holmes]

People don't watch things anymore.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. What do people consume?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. I don't even know.

[Michael Blaustein]

Love island and your clips.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clips. Yeah, they're watching clips.

[Michael Blaustein]

Clips.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're aware of Nick. Nick. Nick Cage did a Spider man show and we didn't watch it. That's where I was going. Oh, you went to what happened to Nic Cage.

[Michael Blaustein]

But I see what you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I see what you're saying. I'm saying there's too much stuff. Because before so much stuff before, there's so much friction everywhere.

[Pete Holmes]

It was Julia Roberts TV show on stars.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, there was no stars. What's that?

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying. It might as well be in the stars.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yay. Take me to dinner first before you take me to the stars. Roku. TV's real.

[Pete Holmes]

Roku, that's real. Those TVs, you turn them on. They have their own little thing. They have their own little Samsung. Yeah. They're like, welcome to the Samsung experience.

[Michael Blaustein]

Hey, my special came out on gas station tv, bro. What are you saying to me?

[Pete Holmes]

That's a good one.

[Michael Blaustein]

One.

[Pete Holmes]

That's very good. I have a line where I go. Because I'm like, I'll have to change the names in the story when I do my special for Netflix. And then I go, or Tubi or in the middle of an in flight safety video. And I go, I don't know who's buying. I don't know who's buying videos. Gas station TV is really good. You fill it up and I'm just like, oh, my mom is Lithuanian. It's too much.

[Michael Blaustein]

I will say, though, if someone came to me, I was like, hey, do you want to put your clips on gas station tv? I'm doing it tomorrow. Yeah, because you're so bored. Filling up.

[Pete Holmes]

You're filling up. You're feeling so empty.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, let me watch something. I know that feeling's gone. Which makes me.

[Pete Holmes]

Dude, I know. I. I used to like looking at a bird or a tree. I have a very vivid memory of seeing a tree filling up gas. Just being like, wow, look at that tree now.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's awesome.

[Pete Holmes]

Looking at Mario Lopez or what's that? Really buff Terry Crews is telling me about a sandwich he made.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. He's everywhere.

[Pete Holmes]

He's everywhere.

[Michael Blaustein]

You know what? I like him.

[Pete Holmes]

I like him, too. But he's everywhere.

[Michael Blaustein]

He's everywhere.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's say Andy's everywhere.

[Michael Blaustein]

Great.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's everywhere.

[Michael Blaustein]

And he's everywhere. Great.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like Kevin Hart. He's got a Kevin Hart quality. He's in it. Is there a movie?

[Michael Blaustein]

Sapphire DraftKings a movie. Jumanji 17. And you're putting out a special in it. Is there four of you, Kevin? Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, there's four of them. If you hit him with, like, a hammer, like, he sprouts.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. I was gonna say, if there's four of him, it only equal one of them. Us height wise, doing jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

Got to get to get them.

[Michael Blaustein]

Have to.

[Pete Holmes]

Got to get him.

[Michael Blaustein]

What I was going to say about the daydream is I was in.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so dumb. Do you think there's a short joke that Kevin. That would make Kevin laugh, like, for real, though?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You do?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, I think I didn't watch the roast.

[Pete Holmes]

Not a roast laugh.

[Michael Blaustein]

Not a. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Like, actually laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying he's the only one. I think everybody has to demonstrate that they're a good sport.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, like, you actually got him, cuz he's heard them all. Oh, go to what you were saying.

[Michael Blaustein]

The answer to your question is 100%. I don't know what it would be because he heard everything and he consumes comedy all the time. So anything that's. It would have to be so insane.

[Pete Holmes]

It would have to be insane.

[Michael Blaustein]

It would have to catch him off guard. Have to be in the right context. But what I was saying is in Mexico. Durango, Mexico. Again. Hey, now, I was in the pool and I brag. What's that? Brag. Brag. In a pool. Yeah, dude, I was in water. You ever heard about it? Aquatic, maritime.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

So I was in the pool. Yeah. Well, it was so hot that the pool was hot matter. But the point is, I was literally.

[Pete Holmes]

That matters.

[Michael Blaustein]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

That matters. I hate this pool.

[Michael Blaustein]

Hey. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, I hate it. Oh. Oh. Hey, hey. It's 112 degrees. Make a call.

[Pete Holmes]

Chill the pool.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, there was no chill.

[Pete Holmes]

Chill the pool.

[Michael Blaustein]

Put ice in it. Something, something, something. But I was in there and I was. I was looking at the tree and this is how bad it's gotten. I was proud of myself for looking at a tree. Proud of myself. I literally was like, oh, wow, Michael. You don't want to feel the impulse to grab your phone or grab a book.

[Pete Holmes]

I looked at the stars last night, and I was like, why don't we do this all the time?

[Michael Blaustein]

So beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

Awesome. And, you know, I saw. It looked like a streak of cloud.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was hard to see, but it was moving. It was like 2 inch. This is real. This is. I don't do those like you. Yeah. With Starlink, I'm looking at it and I'm like. And then it looked like a caterpillar of lights. I was like, what the is this? And it moved. And it's just me in my hot tub. Okay. It's gratitude.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just looking at it. And then I. I Chat GPT that on the drive down, because I was like, I just. I love that. It's like, look, it's not always right. It's often wrong. Yeah. But I was like, hey, I saw this last night. I'm not saying it's a ufo, but are there other reports? It's good at searching Reddit for you.

[Michael Blaustein]

It does.

[Pete Holmes]

And it just goes, no. You saw some Starlink, bro.

[Michael Blaustein]

Did he say bro? No. I can't tell you how much I hate when Chad GPT talks to me like a friend. I've told it 28 times. Stop it.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you go in your settings? Because you can. You can go into, like, the permanent.

[Michael Blaustein]

Once someone says go into settings, you're out going to Settings. Who am I, Elon Musk? I don't know where settings are. Stop it.

[Pete Holmes]

You can find them.

[Michael Blaustein]

I could. Very easily. It would take me one second.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody pointed out something that. I think it was Esther Perel. They were like, don't forget that. Chat GPT is a product like Coca Cola, designed to keep you engaging with it. And that's why, like, it's so funny how quickly we were just like. Because it's so nice and polite and effusive, and we're like. But that's just how it is. It's like that. It's intelligent. It's like, no, it's been programmed. You don't think they could have made one? That's like. Is wrong with you. You thought you saw a ufo, you dumb.

[Michael Blaustein]

Works at, like, Dick's, the restaurant, you idiot.

[Pete Holmes]

I bet you could make it like that.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, you could, but, like, don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, don't forget it. It's. It's just there to keep you there. What time is it Katie? 12:15. Okay, we're good. We're good. We're good. We're good.

[Michael Blaustein]

We're good. You guys gotta get in there.

[Pete Holmes]

No, we just have another one at one.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, so I'm not the only one, you feel? Yeah, Phil. And it's not great. Am I the first one?

[Pete Holmes]

You're the first one.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, good, then I will one. Who's the next person?

[Pete Holmes]

Sona. Man,

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know if that's the last name.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe Sona Montessian. Bless you, Sona. Sona. Sona Conan from the Conan podcast. Sona Montessian.

[Michael Blaustein]

I love that person. The work is great. The body of work is excellent. Up, down, lefts, rights, they know everything. I feel comfortable entertaining the clips. Have you seen the clips?

[Pete Holmes]

Have you seen the clips? Well,

[Michael Blaustein]

nobody consumes stuff anymore is my point. That's it. Nobody consumes stuff. The NBA. I'm not a sports person, but people

[Pete Holmes]

don't watch games anymore.

[Michael Blaustein]

No one watches games. People just watch clips like snl. They've seen the game. Have you seen the game or did you watch the nine clips?

[Pete Holmes]

The nine clips.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Nine clips.

[Michael Blaustein]

Nine clips.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm guilty of watching a YouTube review of a movie instead of watching the movie. But like we are for we're losing the art of filling up our gas and seeing a tree or being in a pool and seeing a tree. Like watching a movie. Like a clip. Like, I just watched licorice pizza again. I love Paul Thomas Anderson. Oh, it's gross. It's the experience of watching the whole movie now. You're like old timey. You might as well light candles, sit on your couch. Just watch one thing. It's my new opener. I go, this is very old timey. You're just gonna watch me for an hour. It's like fucking. What is this troubadour shit? Like it's old fashioned. It's like, here's the bad, old fashion.

[Michael Blaustein]

Here's the bad part. Old fashion. They're not going to just watch you. People are on their phones.

[Pete Holmes]

People are your size venues. Oh, somebody's on their phone. I know.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. 100% scrolling.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you think you see people on their phones in your audience?

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Michael Blaustein]

Not like, oh, this sucks. Let me get on my phone. But people are so used to just being like, cool, cool, cool. And then just. They gotta do it. Do it. Yeah, they gotta do it. Wow. And I yell. You yell, what are you doing?

[Pete Holmes]

What are you doing?

[Michael Blaustein]

What are you like, if this is not. Hey, I just. I need my leg amputated. I just get bit. I got bit by Viper.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

What's happening here?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Second screening.

[Michael Blaustein]

Second screening.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't know this? Oh, I thought you would know this.

[Michael Blaustein]

Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Second screening is watching a movie while you look at your phone.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, that's what it's called.

[Pete Holmes]

Second screen.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't either.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's changing the whole entertainment landscape.

[Pete Holmes]

It's even old fashioned to just watch a good old fashioned one thing of pornography.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, what's that? That feels awful.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm saying I tried to do a bit about this where I was like, you should try and be nostalgic for the present. Because everything that we thought was crazy, we look back on it and we were like, imagine watching a movie. My parents thought I was playing one video game. My daughter has so many games.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So many things. Putting in a cartridge and committing and trying it over and over and getting good at it.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's gone.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I feel about guns. And I made this point a million times. But I listen to Guns and Roses and it's like they were considered like Nells. They were like pirates and scoundrels. Now I listen to it, I'm like, they learned their scales. Like, they knew the right. Nobody's playing like a sour note. That's not by accident. They know what key they're in.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not badass.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's not at all.

[Pete Holmes]

That's effort.

[Michael Blaustein]

I mean, they were doing it while they were on drugs.

[Pete Holmes]

They were on drugs and they were drinking. They were having a lot of, how do you. How are you?

[Michael Blaustein]

How can you do a thing? And beyond heroin lit.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I think about that with jazz all the time.

[Michael Blaustein]

All the time?

[Pete Holmes]

All the time.

[Michael Blaustein]

The idea of heroin makes me go to sleep.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. And who that loves heroin is also like, let's get some activities in the mix.

[Michael Blaustein]

Who's that?

[Pete Holmes]

Who's like that?

[Michael Blaustein]

Who's like, let's do heroin and let's go shoot hoops.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what Lively Up Yourself is about. I. I've been told. Oh, you know the song Lively Up Yourself?

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm just gonna pretend I do.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Bob Marley. Lively up yourself. I'm assuming it's like. And don't have no worries. I don't know what it is.

[Michael Blaustein]

Combine songs.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's like, when you're stoned, get up and like, kick a soccer ball around. Like, don't just sit there.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's the only way that I can be hungry.

[Pete Holmes]

High. Lively up yourself.

[Michael Blaustein]

I gotta. I gotta go. Because if I. If I smoke, which I never do, but if I smoke and I'm. Then I'm free. I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean if you're, like, melting into the couch.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, it's awful. But if I. But if I smoke and then go bowling, I'm so good.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You gotta lively up yourself.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yep. That's. What. When. Every time I do mushrooms, I gotta be outside immediately.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, well, that's for sure. Yeah. The one time I had a bad mushroom trip, I was like, we gotta get outside. Like, it was such a. It's like being in a dream. I was like, wait, there's a fix here. And I couldn't remember it. Right, right. Let's get out of this creepy cabin.

[Michael Blaustein]

This is. This is. Not this specifically. Not this. I'm saying, like, just homes in general. Weird.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Michael Blaustein]

Weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you know that. Yeah. We're in these weird rectangles. It's not natural.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's awful.

[Pete Holmes]

It's awful.

[Michael Blaustein]

Let me go. Let me talk to a tree.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you need to talk to a tree. Have to. Do you have any spiritual beliefs? Hip hop is your religion?

[Michael Blaustein]

Hip hop is my religion.

[Pete Holmes]

You're raised Jewish?

[Michael Blaustein]

I was, well.

[Pete Holmes]

Religious Jew.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, I was raised. I was raised Catholic, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

What.

[Michael Blaustein]

Is that why I had. Well, because my parents got divorced. Rip. No one died except their marriage and love. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, I got. I had a bris. Started off very Jewish.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, Bris.

[Michael Blaustein]

Then my parents got divorced. My mom went back to Catholicism because she. I was gonna say transferred. What's the word? She moved. Thank you. She converted.

[Pete Holmes]

Is good.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Single serving bathroom. And transferred. Religion.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes. So she.

[Pete Holmes]

Why.

[Michael Blaustein]

I think just to appease my. Well, no, to. Oh, why'd she go back. Turn on. That was cool as Turn on. Wow. Am I God?

[Pete Holmes]

We'll unplug it in between and plug it back. Oh, my God, I love that.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's all it took. She.

[Pete Holmes]

She didn't start dating a Catholic person.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, my dad was. My dad was.

[Pete Holmes]

But they got divorced.

[Michael Blaustein]

Jewish.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, didn't it go like this? Divorce. Catholicism.

[Michael Blaustein]

She was. She was Catholic.

[Pete Holmes]

Divorce. She was Catholic.

[Michael Blaustein]

She was very Catholic. Oh, always. Always very Catholic. Always met my father. They're going to get married. Transferred. Transfer. Religion. Went into the portal. Sports joke. Went into the portal. Came out Jewish. Did the whole thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Got married. Both Jewish.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're. Some would say.

[Michael Blaustein]

Good. Hot. No. What? Yes, yes. It. It depends. It depends. But that.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you're Jewish.

[Michael Blaustein]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Just to clarify, but, like, the real, real hard line. 100 say you're not going.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is really weird. 50%.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, it's still it. Here's.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say this is the lady. 50% count for more.

[Michael Blaustein]

It should.

[Pete Holmes]

It does.

[Michael Blaustein]

It does to some. I. I think. I think, however. This is crazy. I think it's however you feel, honestly. Yeah, I. It's just. It's. It's me. It's. I. I feel. I feel. I feel much more connected earlier.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you don't go into your experience and go like, I found it. My Judy is like, it's not really. You might see it in the world. You might see it in your personality, your feelings, your food, your people.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not. Not essential in your.

[Michael Blaustein]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Naked being.

[Michael Blaustein]

Correct.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Michael Blaustein]

Keep going. And I feel. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So she went back to Catholic.

[Michael Blaustein]

So she went back to Catholic. I. You know, they got divorced. My dad split, and then I stayed with my mom. And she's very, like, devout Christian, so I have no idea why she converted so easily, but. So I went to Catholic private school my whole life.

[Pete Holmes]

That was so funny. She's a very devout person, so I don't know why she converted so easily.

[Michael Blaustein]

I know, dude.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, what a confusing thing. She didn't kind of go back to. She went back, back, back, back.

[Michael Blaustein]

Which is.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, I left. Back, Literally. Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Sorry I left. But this is a bit. That never worked either. It's like, that. That's why I was like, that's how good my dad's dick was that she. She did. She did it. Like, she went all the way. And then she left, and she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Once the administration stopped.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Catholicism returned.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. She was like, whoa. Woke up, and she said, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. I'm back. I'm back. Yeah. So that's. So that's. That was my life. But. But I will say in the last. But I was always identified as the Jew in. In my. My whole life.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Because I was going to Catholic school, private school, and my last name is Blaustein, and I knew my dad was Jewish, so everyone was like, jew, Jew. You know? No, they did. Yeah. Where.

[Pete Holmes]

Where?

[Michael Blaustein]

School.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I mean, where were you in the country?

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, Maryland.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. That's a defining state. Oh, I get it now. I get it now.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know what state. I wouldn't have said, oh, okay.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, yeah, yeah. If I was like, Honolulu. That's not even a state. I'm gonna hang Myself.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I get it. My mom is Lithuanian. My father is a lot of different things. I. He always on, he's going, why? I say you're Lithuanian and it's because it's the bigger, easier sell. You just go, I'm Lithuanian.

[Michael Blaustein]

I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

So in your case, I'm guessing, yeah, I'm Jewish. It's just, it's in your name.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's just cleaner. And I clean and I think cleaner cell. Yes. And I think about 12, 13 years ago when I started really diving in to be like, how do I feel? I feel very Jew. Like when I'm around, my dad's out of the family. I feel Jewish. I'm a stand up comedian. I love delis, except cats. You. And I feel. I feel.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I understand.

[Michael Blaustein]

Feel it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. This is also the folding in. I. We talked about this a million times. I. My landlord was a rabbi. I always wanted him to invite me to temple. I always was like jealous of the. Or I guess I should say I always had an admiration for the. In the strong cultural identity.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's identity.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's an identity.

[Michael Blaustein]

When you're, when you're a white, there's no identity. And then you can give yourself an identity. It's very alluring.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

And especially when you feel it like I. Literally when I'm around my dad's other family, I. I feel so comfortable. I'm like, oh, we're all similar. We all, we all have our brains, all fire the same way. We both hate stuff. We both like stuff. It's very.

[Pete Holmes]

You have takes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Takes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. Jews got takes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Takes.

[Pete Holmes]

Jews got takes.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm a standup comedian.

[Pete Holmes]

That is the best possible thing. Yeah, I love a take.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. Love a take.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't like a. I've been talking about. I don't want to be asked questions. Please don't interview me. Give me a take.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because if you give me a take, the question is implied. Do you agree?

[Michael Blaustein]

Can I say this, though?

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, no, I do. I do 100%. I agree with you 1%.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, I don't think. I said, do you agree? Did I?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. But I, I don't mind if you don't.

[Michael Blaustein]

Don't. No, I do. Okay. I do. But I think in this take culture, I think it's almost better to not have a take sometimes because you feel the pressure of a take. It's like, dude, I don't follow politics at all.

[Pete Holmes]

I speed agree with you. I don't like the co opting of takes because there are take people. And now everybody's trying to have takes. No, because the Internet favors takes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Correct.

[Pete Holmes]

So they're trying to posture as a take haver, but they're not take havers. When you're with real take havers, you see the spontaneity of the takes, the organic ness of the takes. Yeah, those are the takes.

[Michael Blaustein]

I like.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want takes just because you're on the subway. I'm not shitting on that show.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm just like, I am. Fuck that show.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know anything about it. I'm joking. But people go on and now they're like, have takes. There are people that naturally have takes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I like those people.

[Michael Blaustein]

And they have deep like, like knowledge of the take. And I think I'm trying this new idea where I go, I don't know about politics at all. I wish I did. Because being a political meeting looks fun. And then I hold have a whole act out about a political comed. But I don't know anything. And I think it's okay to not know stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Because the whole thing is like, you got to know. You got to know. You got.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a take.

[Michael Blaustein]

Shit.

[Pete Holmes]

But I like, but, but, but maybe

[Michael Blaustein]

that's the ending of the bit.

[Pete Holmes]

If I'm in a situation where everybody's having takes, I'll go anti take.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Because that's my take.

[Michael Blaustein]

Because that's a take.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll be. My take will be like, do we really know? Oh, it's funny. Like, I like takes, but they got to feel right. Like, Neil Brennan's got takes. It is, but it's great takes. And you're like, these are great takes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Bill Burr takes.

[Pete Holmes]

Got Takes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Takes.

[Pete Holmes]

You got some takes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then there are times when we need to go like, you know what? We're not on stage. We're in real life. The take is, I don't know.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't know.

[Michael Blaustein]

But people are so uncomfortable saying, I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know.

[Michael Blaustein]

They used to not be.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't get a lot of clicks or views. We're watching the culture sort of mutate. I. I don't even necessarily mean in a bad way, but we're getting sharper in like entertainers used to be the people that were like, and this is fine. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but it used to be you'd go to entertainment to see people that are like, can you believe they said that? Now the cat's out of the bag. We consume so much content. That's. That's what I was saying about, like, the guy at Home Depot. Just. I'm just trying to pick a regular job. Has takes. He's doing as little as he can to make as much as they can. He'll screw you over. Yeah. Because he's watching. That's what the culture seems to do. Like, get it for yourself and, like, go. There used to be. There used to be more of a. I don't know. I don't know how to.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

I.

[Michael Blaustein]

And. But I think that's what's muting the people that actually have the takes like that. What upsets me so much is when I see. When I see it, like, a commercial that's funny, and I'm like, this is for a bank. This is a bank. This is bank of America. We have to have jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Stop it. Every movie has to be funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Stop. Right? Stop it.

[Pete Holmes]

Every movie's funny.

[Michael Blaustein]

Stop. Makes me so mad. Stop it right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Why is this bank commercial hilarious?

[Michael Blaustein]

It's a. You're a fig newton. You're a fig. Just be a fig Newton.

[Pete Holmes]

We're back to Terry Crews. You're a deodorant. Why is this the funniest commercial I've ever seen?

[Michael Blaustein]

Don't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I wonder what's going to happen. I really do.

[Michael Blaustein]

The world's going to explode. That's what's gonna happen. World War Three, Goodbye. I. I can say that cuz I don't. I don't have a family, so I feel like if I had a family, I'd feel differently. But, like. Like, my whole thing is. My take, I guess, is, like, for the last. Whatever years. Oh, I'm gonna. The atomic bomb. I'm press. I'm gonna press it. Either press it or shut up. That's my take. I'm sick of it. Either press it or go away.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so hanging it over our head.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I just. That's crazy to say, but I'm just.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't think it's that crazy. All right. I mean, it's a standard comedy take for me.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It reminds me of Daniel Toschko's every time the world doesn't end. They said the world was gonna end, and it doesn't end. He's disappointed because it's not that I want to die. I want all of us to die.

[Michael Blaustein]

So great jokes. So good.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a great joke.

[Michael Blaustein]

He's so underrated. It's Wild.

[Pete Holmes]

Because he's underground. I'm not trying to tease him. I would never dream of having Daniel Tosh on this podcast. Not because I don't want Daniel Tosh on this podcast, but how would you get Dan. Do you write a letter somewhere? Like, where is it?

[Michael Blaustein]

I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

I've seen. I've been comedy 20. It's not like I know everybody, but I've seen Daniel Tosh once.

[Michael Blaustein]

Right. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

In the wild.

[Michael Blaustein]

I have never seen.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying.

[Michael Blaustein]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I think he's did it. I'm saying this with all respect. I think he's surfing. I think he has a chef. I think he's getting sex.

[Michael Blaustein]

Getting his wife.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he married?

[Michael Blaustein]

I think so. Getting sex.

[Pete Holmes]

I think. I think he's getting loved.

[Michael Blaustein]

Good.

[Pete Holmes]

Eating, surfing.

[Michael Blaustein]

Good.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, dabbling in being a great comedian. Honestly, I got Tosh goals. That's what I'm going for.

[Michael Blaustein]

Are you.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, just.

[Michael Blaustein]

Ooh, fun topic. Are you. Go ahead. No, no, I'm. I'm so, you know why, you know, I'm locked in. Selfishly.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Because I don't know where I'm at and I'd love to know where you're at and cherry pick from what you're doing.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I think maybe we talked about this when I did your podcast, because I don't see. I think Tosh is one of them. I don't see a lot of comedians going for balance. I think a lot of us are. Remember that video game show, what was it called? Video Power. And when you played Video Power at the end. This is so old, but at the end of Video Power, you got to run around a mall with video games and you'd stick them to the Velcro on your costume.

[Michael Blaustein]

So fun.

[Pete Holmes]

It was awesome. It was every kid's dream. All I would do if I was on it was look for the magic card. There was one game that got you a Neo Geo, which was like eleven hundred dollars. Just look for that. Anyway, everybody is doing a smash and grab approach to their career, for the most part. Meaning make hay while the sun's out. And I've, as I've said a billion times, the people that say, make, hey, while the sun's out, make 10 of your hay. So everybody's like, work every weekend, do every job, do everything, and you'll always have the guilt of. It's a privilege to be asked to do things. So I used to say yes to everything because I was like, I Can't believe they want me. And now I'm like, you know what? I don't know if I want to do two three week projects in Vancouver back to back. My daughter's growing up. But even just that, like, like sometimes you want to just be looking at the stores or looking at your tree or being with your friends or having a life. And I do think that helps the act. I like the comedy. So to selfishly churn this into something productive, I would say I. The comedy that I write as a person who's living a life, I think is better than someone who's just running a corporation. And by the way, I'm not thinking of anybody in particular. There are a lot of people that work hard and hustle. Like, Nate Bargazzi works constantly. I'm not shitting on anybody. I'm just saying, like, I think. And you see it. He's excellent. It serves him.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying, like, it's interesting to go, like, how, how much can we pull back? And I actually think Nate just took a break from touring.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I think that's he's going for that as well.

[Michael Blaustein]

I think he took a break from touring to do movies, like, you know, and it's great. Nate's an awesome guy and he's crushing it.

[Pete Holmes]

I love Nate. I don't want to put anybody in the other category of what I'm saying. I don't see a lot of people going, like, because, you know, famously on this podcast, I like to tour once a month. I go out one weekend a month. And I like that because when I do it, I'm super excited to be there. I'm not fatigued, I'm not drained. And like, you can do that. You just tour longer. You know what I mean? You still do. All the cities just go a little bit longer. I don't know. It works for me.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, I don't know how to live. Live a life. Like, frankly, I really hilarious. I just, I don't. Like, I don't. Because even. Even when I'm doing the non comedy quote unquote life, it's not like. And maybe I'm trying to force it, but it's like this you're saying, or maybe this is not what you're saying, but like you're saying that you live a life and you get like bits or whatever you live in life so you get like the actual, the actual gold bits as opposed to just being on the road, being like, oh, a hotel, airplane.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the seasoning I put on my point. But yeah, I, I think it does in the end help. Help the act.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, it's, it's. I feel. And maybe it's not there yet, but I feel like every time I do that, every time I do unplug.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm so anxious. Yeah, I'm so anxious. I'm like, people are getting funnier than me and people are releasing clips and I'm losing, I'm losing steam. No one cares anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And see, this is why I thought you were 28. Like that. That feels right for you. And I honestly, like, follow your bliss. Not to be like a cliche here, that this works for me. When I was, honestly, when I was your age, I was more in that line. Yeah, but you're just kind of receptive to different seasons of your life. And as long as you're, I think as long as you're asking, like, what. What do I want my life to look like?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like there are people that want to tour every weekend and they love it. I think these people are extroverts.

[Michael Blaustein]

Like, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Energized and enlivened by it. I'm like, I like doing it as I like doing it as often as I like doing it. So what I'm saying is don't do what I'm doing. But like, always ask yourself, am I doing it the way I want to be doing?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Although I do hear you saying like that, like, I don't want to say fear based, but like being like, oh, I'm getting left behind or they're going to pass me. I used to have that like, crazy. Yeah. And it did just sort of naturally calm down. When you found other things in your

[Michael Blaustein]

life that are valuable, is it because you have, have like receipts of your success so you feel like you don't need it that much or you think it's just.

[Pete Holmes]

It would be dishonest to not say that that's part of it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah, I think, I think because for me, my success has been fairly recent in the last like five, six years. So I'm like, I'm, I feel sort of in the. Still in the beginning of. I'm like, I still think things are going to go to zero tomorrow.

[Pete Holmes]

And then when you get to what we'll call a cruising altitude.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You can go like, oh, maybe I'll torch one twice a month instead of four times.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're.

[Pete Holmes]

You're right. You don't need my affirmation. But I'm giving It.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, I. I want it. Yeah, I want it.

[Pete Holmes]

But there was a time when I was like, go, go, go, go, go.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then, like, I'd love to sit here and be like, no. I just realized that there's richness in other areas of my life. I love performing. I love. And going out once a month, and then maybe doing a movie, maybe doing a thing here or there. I love all of that. And then you balance it with the other stuff that, like, I know people that don't have any adventure in their life, and I know people who only have adventure. And I'm like, it's somewhere in the middle. And there is something. I watched somebody did a video about, like, there is no making it. Oh, right, okay. And. And I love the person that made that video. But I caught myself disagreeing, which is fine. I was like, there is actually. I think there is a making it. There's a membrane that you cross over and. And you feel it. You go like, oh, I did that thing that people know. And now I work and people come to shows, and that's making it. And then you can kind of go like, and now I can dial it in, and now I can customize it a little bit. But you push, push, push, push, push. And I. I would argue that there is a stepping into a fullness of your career that you didn't have and you didn't even know you didn't have it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you're like, oh, you're the guy from the. That thing. Or people know you from this thing and people. And that's making it. It's not necessarily amount of money or prestige, but you go like, I feel established that that might be a better way of putting it. You still hustle, you still have drive, you still have dreams, you still have things you haven't done that you want to do. But, like, you do calm down a little bit.

[Michael Blaustein]

I think maybe that's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's making it.

[Michael Blaustein]

I think that maybe the calm down piece is like, when you're comfortable with where the level. If you just said, hey, if you stay here for 20 years, you're fine.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I think I'm still at the. At this point where I don't know what that is, because I'm like, you. You know, whatever. Years ago, I was in clubs. Now I'm in theaters. And like, what's. What's the. What's the next. Do I want to read it? Like, it's like, you know, you keep thinking it's like, I need to be like, what do My management asked me, what do you want? And it's such this weird thing where I'm like, dude, I don't even know. Yeah, I don't. I don't know what I.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm talking to myself right now. When asked what we want, we need to get curious if we're even capable of knowing what we want because we're so soaked and saturated in a culture that's telling you, you just did it. I'm in theaters. I should want arenas. I mean, do you or do. I'm saying to myself, I'm with you, man. Again, Taking all of our friends that do arenas out of it. I don't know. I know. For me, I do theaters and some clubs. I love it. I have no notes. I have no takes. I have no takes on this.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm like, that's perfect for me every time. This is a very privileged thing to say, but every time I do a club, I go, oh, bro, this isn't supposed to be.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying. I talked to. I won't say who it was, but it was a comedian who does big venues and does some clubs, and they were like, everybody who does what I do knows the stadium shows aren't as good. No, not even close.

[Michael Blaustein]

They're not.

[Pete Holmes]

It's an ego play. It becomes like this. An exercise in aggrandizement.

[Michael Blaustein]

I think that's it.

[Pete Holmes]

Am I saying that correctly? Aggrandizement. Poor Katie.

[Michael Blaustein]

I. I have no idea. Cut it.

[Pete Holmes]

Aggrandizing yourself. Aggrandizing.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, Self aggrandizing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a way. It's. It's like we were saying with hip hop. It's like bragging, you did your special at Madison Square Garden. Why? Because you sold out Madison Square Garden. And that's part of the marketing. You're like, look how popular I am. And that's fine.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's exactly what it is. Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But when I do a helium. Because heliums are all the same. They're all designed the same. I'm like, oh, this is perfect.

[Michael Blaustein]

Perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

The sound is perfect. Helium. Don't clip this. I don't like when people do that. I don't like when I become an unwitting participant in your pre show video.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, right.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean, right?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I love the helium setup, and I love. I love. There's some improvs that are a little bit deeper that I don't care for, but a lot of the improvs are perfect. Perfect. And you get on a roll and in the pocket in a way that even in a theater you can't.

[Michael Blaustein]

Cannot. I got dating funny bone.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Put me in the video. I don't even care. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what? Helium. You can use it.

[Michael Blaustein]

I want them to leave that part in.

[Pete Holmes]

But you have to use all of it. Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

The whole thing. I had. I was like. I had that feeling. I was like. I was like holding the brick wall and I was like, oh, everyone's just doing.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in a street fight now.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So much fun. A boxing match in Vegas in a pyramid sucks compared to just like a fucking street fight.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't. I don't mean it's. It's not violent. It's just like real.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's how it's supposed to be.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a high wire act. Every good. Like Madison on State. Another great comedy.

[Michael Blaustein]

Awesome.

[Pete Holmes]

Is. Oh, no, it's called comedy on State.

[Michael Blaustein]

Comedy.

[Pete Holmes]

But in Madison, you're literally stuck in the corner.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

You're cornered. Yeah, that's funny. It's funny. The person in, you know, that we're all here to see.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, shit. I didn't think about. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

There's not even a door. You have to go through the audience.

[Michael Blaustein]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's funny. Not Madison Square Garden isn't very funny. It's not funny.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's not funny at all. This is where the niche.

[Pete Holmes]

Take it from a guy.

[Michael Blaustein]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Take it from a guy who's never come close to even thinking about doing that.

[Michael Blaustein]

Never.

[Pete Holmes]

But what you want and what's available to you and then money and prestige. I really think those things, like, not to be weird, but, like, that's what Jesus is tempted with in the Garden. Not in the Garden, in the desert.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's this tale as old as time is all I'm trying to say.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, what about money? What about power? What about influence? And I'm not saying the people that do those things have sold out or are evil. I. I'm positive I would do the same thing. But I'm going. I didn't get that. That I'm not an arena comedian. And then you look at what you have and you go, like, what if I just become perfect? Or as perfect as I can be at this, instead of going like. Or I could have my own, you know, line of encased meat snacks.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'd buy them. Pete snacks.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd give them to you.

[Michael Blaustein]

Come on.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete's meats.

[Michael Blaustein]

The fact that I didn't say that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you did.

[Michael Blaustein]

I did.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete, cut it the guy that says the thing that leads to the thing said the thing

[Michael Blaustein]

that's called a hockey assist. It is.

[Pete Holmes]

Just checking the time. I'm in.

[Michael Blaustein]

Check it. Oh, no worries.

[Pete Holmes]

No, we're good. Just making sure it's not the. What? I hate looking at my phone. Unexpected activity for the studio. That's us. The alarm system is. Magic mind.magicmind.com. i've enjoyed this very much.

[Michael Blaustein]

I, I mean I'm having a blast.

[Pete Holmes]

But you're Catholic and you're not anymore.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you think happens when you die over

[Michael Blaustein]

I. Two thoughts. And this is not a high level thought at all. Yes, and I hope not.

[Pete Holmes]

What a great response.

[Michael Blaustein]

Boom.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, and I hope not. That's a great response.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I love about it? What? Everything. Do you think when you die it's over? Yes, and I hope not.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll never forget that. Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I, I Cuz. Cuz I.

[Pete Holmes]

It's one of the best.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

It's one of the best I've ever.

[Michael Blaustein]

Cuz I hope I. Cuz it's honest. Wouldn't it just be awesome if it.

[Pete Holmes]

If it.

[Michael Blaustein]

If it was. What's in the. The book. I was going to say the book. The good book, but I don't, I don't, I don't think so. But maybe that'll change in six months.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what's interesting is the Bible, as far as I've read, doesn't really purport the classic.

[Michael Blaustein]

Purport, purport. All right, Daddy, give me that.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a lot of talk about everlasting life, eternal life, but there is that, that idea of like cloud party relatives, God, DJing, Jesus, all that stuff that has. That's more to do with Looney Tunes than it does the Bible really. Look, there might be a scholar, I'm sure there are, that could tell me chapter and verse where I'm wrong. But from what I did a lot of study of the Bible. Not a lot of like you'd think there would if that was the point. There would be more overt passages that are like. And when you die. Right. Your family will be there. There's nothing in my experience. Could you ask?

[Michael Blaustein]

Ask.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't have to. Let's just not know. I'm willing to be wrong, but in my limited knowledge, I don't recall anything in the Bible that's like. This is what it is. You will party forever. Jesus says to the thief on the cross, you'll be with me this day in paradise. So there's talk about paradise. There is some talk about Hades, but that would have been talking to people in, you know, a Greek culture that would have known Hades just like we know hell. So Lazarus is in. Not Lazarus, but like guys in hell asking for water, that sort of thing. But there isn't as much of. So when you say like, I hope it is what it says in the book, that's not like one of the headlines that I saw. That's like eternal life is different from our classic. Like everyone's eating ambrosia and there's new seasons of Seinfeld and there's roller skates and you, you know, all that sort of stuff. Stuff that's more of our culture.

[Michael Blaustein]

When I do mushrooms and I look at nature, there's just a small part of me that goes, this is heaven. Yeah, this is it.

[Pete Holmes]

I would argue, please, that in that state you are heaven and everything that isn't has been stripped away from you. So you've been revealed.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't you feel revealed? And don't you feel like your true self? You're like, oh, this is what it feels like to be naked. To be nakedly myself.

[Michael Blaustein]

It just feels like there's someone put glasses on you and go, this is. This is. What is?

[Pete Holmes]

I fix this for you. Yeah, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I always. This is again, not a high level thought, but every time I look at like nature, I go, I can't believe this is always here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Michael Blaustein]

And we just walk past it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's such a mushrooms thought. But yeah, of course, like you look at the sky and you're like, like this is always above us, always. And we never look at it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Don't give a about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Never.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's a tree's like this and you go, you and you eat mushrooms and you go, and you go, this is the most fascinating thing in the world.

[Pete Holmes]

Literally, the mushrooms are disabling that part of your brain that prioritizes what you can fuck and what you can eat and what's going to kill you. So it's not really our fault. But there is something that is what I think heaven is a revealing of what was always there. It's not the adding of anything, it's the taking away. It might be stress, it might be your anxiety, it might be your thinking, it might be your craving, it might be your resisting. But what heaven is is here now there's just some stuff kind of murking up the water.

[Michael Blaustein]

Is that what you think happens when you die? Yeah. You're just revealed. Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think you go anywhere that you aren't. Aren't presently. And you. You'll never become something that you aren't presently. Yeah, and I had that on. I did 5 Meo DMT and that was the big takeaway.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So I was like, oh, you don't go anywhere. You can't go anywhere. You've never been anywhere. This is so New agey. But it's true. There's only here, there's only now. And when you have those experiences, you go like. You don't like, go to another realm. Another realm might appear in that which was containing this realm. Realm. But the screen is always the same. The content of the movie might change, but the screen which is happy, peaceful, fulfilled was always there. Let's do some ketamine.

[Michael Blaustein]

Let's. I mean, dude, I would. I would.

[Pete Holmes]

I would love.

[Michael Blaustein]

I would love. I want to do. Have you ever done. I watch. I forgot if I asked you this. I got. I wanna. I'm. I'm yearning for some spirituality because I think there's so much value and benefit and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

And balance.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

And I don't know where to find it. I don't even know where to begin.

[Pete Holmes]

That's another Ron Funch's thing. He says that mushrooms are like, you're a rat in a maze and mushrooms lift you up out of the maze and just. You see the maze and then it puts you back in it. So when you don't know what you want and you don't know where you're supposed to go, it seems like I'm not recommending it. But like that there are different ways to get that clarity and maybe psychedelics.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's the moment when I'm sure you've done mushrooms a bunch and so you have the same idea. But like the moment I did mushrooms in a fucking grassy area, whatever that was called. No, thank you. Yeah, I was a second gutman on there, but I did.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody says Noel outside of the Kennedy assessment.

[Michael Blaustein]

Zero people. No, they made it up.

[Pete Holmes]

Nick Noel doesn't even say it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Nolte.

[Pete Holmes]

Nick Nolte. Nick Crolti.

[Michael Blaustein]

He's so funny. But I was like. There were like six hours just really enjoying it. And. And we were coming off it and I remember just stepping onto the cement and I was like, this is. Yeah, I was coming back into the maze.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

And I was like, how dumb is this?

[Pete Holmes]

It's so dumb.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's so stupid.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so dumb.

[Michael Blaustein]

But you forget how dumb it is. And then. And then you're like, oh, my TikTok is not doing good. And you're like, what am I doing?

[Pete Holmes]

I know. Yeah. Well, what do we do?

[Michael Blaustein]

Just keep going.

[Pete Holmes]

Just keep going.

[Michael Blaustein]

But see, you have purpose. You have a family. And it's just like, that's what I need. I need a wife and a kid. And I go, oh, now this all makes sense.

[Pete Holmes]

Sense. You're gonna leave. You're gonna do some strong psychedelics in nature, get married, have a kid.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't wait.

[Pete Holmes]

No, actually, my. You don't need it. But my advice for you is to really just enjoy where you are, because that climb is great and you are really growing and it's. And you're so funny and I'm really happy for you. So just keep blossoming. And then when you're like a big old stock of corn, you can go, like, for me, that was the right order. Then I was like, okay, now I can give myself to a family and my life. You know what I mean?

[Michael Blaustein]

No, I do.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want to be an up and coming assassin when you start dating. You want to be like, I go to Beirut, I kill a guy, I come home.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, veal again.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why I picked Beirut.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know why I picked veal.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you, Michael. This was awesome.

[Michael Blaustein]

This was so fun.

[Pete Holmes]

I really loved every moment.

[Michael Blaustein]

Me too.

[Pete Holmes]

And would you please grace us? Grace us.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

With a. Keep it crispy.

[Michael Blaustein]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

Hi, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Are you looking for a beach read this summer? May I suggest your big wire? It's got suspense, mystery, a slightly flat emotional arc, and a shocking twist where you realize you've been overpaying the entire time. Fortunately, though, Mint's story is better. Every plan. $15 a month. Even unlimited. That's it. Happy ending, zero tears. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[Michael Blaustein]

of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for a 12 month plan. Required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. See terms in the US there's a break in every 26 seconds. But when intruders step near Simplisafe home.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop. This is Simplisafe. Police are on the way.

[Michael Blaustein]

Using AI alerts US based live agents help deter break ins. Simplisafe. No long term contracts. Save 50% on your new system with professional [e-mail] Spotify or with promo code

[Pete Holmes]

Spotify Outdoor deterrence requires a Simplisafe Active Guard Outdoor Protection plan starting at 49.99amonth. Visit simplisafe.com licenses for alarm license information. Tennessee 2012.