Bert Kreischer #3

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: Bert Kreischer #3
Release Date: February 25, 2026
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Bert Kreischer

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Episode Overview

This rich, hilarious, and personal conversation marks Bert Kreischer's third appearance on the show. With Pete Holmes digging into comedians’ secret weirdness, Bert brings vulnerability, nostalgia, stories about his family and career, and plenty of punchlines. They discuss Bert’s new Netflix show “Free Bert,” dig into memories of the stand-up grind, and reflect on life, ambition, identity, advice culture, and what it means to stay grounded amidst success. Much of the episode is about honoring your true self, resisting showbiz pressure, and cherishing ordinary joys over hollow status.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family, Nostalgia & What Matters Most

• Bert opens up about family life, especially the intense nostalgia for when his daughters were young:
  • [03:02] Bert: “I got really emotional in the bathroom, I saw those little stools with their names on it... I’d give it all for this house and my girls to be 2 and 4.”
• The humility of “starter homes,” raising kids, and the quiet joy found in small moments, contrasted with chasing status or wealth.

2. Comedians Influencing Comedians

• An extended, affectionate discussion on who today’s comics idolize (Brian Regan, Bill Burr, Jim Gaffigan), and how bits echo each other.
  • [06:19] Bert: “You got the big house, and next thing you know, you’re screaming for someone to go to dinner with you... You should really appreciate right now.”
• Stand-up as oral tradition: swapping voices, favorite jokes, stories of the comedy grind.

3. Soda, Slippers, & Everyday Weirdness

• Deep dives into the tastes of Mountain Dew ([09:09] Bert: “Tastes like dreams.”), the sociology of soda preference, and generational habits.
• The evolution of “house shoes,” slippers, ratty sweatshirts, and everyday attire—how these mundane things say a lot about comfort, identity, and getting older.

4. The Power and Peril of Real Names in Stories

• Bert lays out the emotional and ethical risk of using real names and stories in comedy, including stories about his daughters and neighbors.
  • [75:19] Tom: “I want to mention I tell the story now when I do it live, I go, I’m gonna tell you the person’s real name because it makes it better.”
  • [78:21] Bert: Tells the story of a parent saying, “I’m assuming this is my son you’re talking about” after a bit aired, highlighting the real world impacts of stand-up.

5. On Being Outsiders & Finding Your Place

• Both reflect on never quite fitting into the New York comic scene, and the pressure to conform to others’ paths:
  • [56:00] Bert: “When I’m around my friends from college, I don’t talk much... I’m not the life of the party.”
• How what makes you feel weird or out of place can be your secret strength in life and comedy.

6. ‘Hutch’: The Archetype of Contentment

• Bert’s friend Hutch is invoked throughout as a “guru” of keeping life simple and meaningful. Hutch is the antidote to showbiz stress, representing the value of authentic joy and presence.
  • [45:05] Bert: “Hutch had a problem as a child with throwing sticks in the air and them sticking in his throat...”
  • [49:41] Bert: “A-list” stories—buying group groceries for all the roommates, visualizing the future you want.

7. Ambition, Advice, and Fame

• A running tension: The push to be bigger, busier, more famous—vs. carving out space for peace and real priorities.
• How chasing more (“make hay while the sun shines”) can be a trap, and each person needs to prune their own tree.
  • [100:09] Bert: “Life becomes complicated when your dreams and your life are tethered.”

8. Creativity, Overthinking, and Jumping In

• Stories about writing, acting, and whether it’s better to plan or to leap:
  • [94:38] Bert: “I just was like, let’s just jump in feet first...I don’t overthink things...I think just do it, and then deal with the consequences.”
• Contrast with comics who agonize over making each bit perfect.

9. Parenting, Boundaries, and Public Vulnerability

• Candid conversations about telling stories that involve real kids and family moments—period parties, playground burns, and “oversharing.”
  • [88:36] Bert: Tells Conan the story of his daughter’s period party: “She named her period Jason. She got it last Friday. Friday the 13th.”
  • How these bits can unexpectedly resonate for others, giving comfort even as they create awkwardness at home or school.

10. Getting Grounded & Moving Forward

• Pete and Bert wrestle with advice-giving, pruning commitments, and when to listen to your gut. The importance of not recommending your way to other people’s happiness.
  • [111:15] Tom: “I like how I’ve pruned my tree. Maybe I should learn that lesson.”
  • Bert reflects on his shift from relentless podcasting and touring toward a healthier, more intentional workflow.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• [03:02] Bert: “I got really emotional in the bathroom, I saw those little stools with their names on it... I’d give it all for this house and my girls to be 2 and 4.”
• [09:09] Bert: (On Mountain Dew) “Oh, like dreams.”
• [17:40] Bert: “I refuse to wear T-shirts with a logo or anything on them. Zero.”
• [75:47] Tom: “I want to mention I tell the story now when I do it live, I go, I’m gonna tell you the person’s real name because it makes it better.”
• [100:09] Bert: “Life becomes very complicated when your dreams and your life are tethered.”
• [111:15] Tom: “I like how I’ve pruned my tree. Maybe I should learn that lesson.”
• [94:38] Bert: “I don’t overthink things, I think just do it, and then deal with the consequences.”
• [88:36] Bert: (about his daughter’s period party) “She named her period Jason. She got it last Friday. Friday the 13th.”
• [45:05] Bert: “Hutch had a problem as a child with throwing sticks in the air and them sticking in his throat because he would look up with his mouth open.”
• [128:17] Tom: “Bert Haymaker Kreischer. The show is Free Bert. I mean, I just have the softest spot for you.”
• [129:19] Bert: “Keep it crispy.”

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• 03:02–06:19: Nostalgia for early family life, importance of appreciating the present.
• 07:03–09:50: Comedy influences, mimicking favorite stand-ups, comedic oral tradition.
• 09:11–15:01: Deep dive on soda favorites, Black culture and drinks, passing down weird family habits.
• 17:16–21:46: Monopolies, fashion, the symbolism of T-shirts, slippers, everyday comfort.
• 25:00–28:31: Parenting habits, ritual, the role of slippers and house shoes.
• 45:05–54:47: Extended “Hutch” stories—life lessons from the man who saw through showbiz.
• 83:41–90:08: The ethics and impact of using true stories, names, and family life in comedy.
• 100:09–104:18: Reflections on ambition, slowing down, staying sane in showbiz, inner peace.
• 111:02–114:59: Accepting others’ paths, letting go of advice addiction, learning to prune.
• 121:11–123:02: Comedy writing philosophies—storytelling vs. pithy jokes.
• 126:04–128:17: “Juicy Fruit” table read story—the importance of odd connections and curiosity.

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a masterclass in comedy heart, self-reflection, and the art of living well. It’s as much about fatherhood, friendship, and self-acceptance as it is about making people laugh. Wonderfully weird, unguarded, and wise, it’s a must-listen for comedy fans, creatives, or anyone wondering how to stay themselves even as life gets louder.

Keep it crispy.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

Lemonade.

[Tom Segura]

You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is the return return. The third time. The incredible, the hilarious, the funny, the fun. Bert Kreischer is back on the show and I'm so glad he is. His new show, Free Bert, is available on Netflix now. We talk all about that. I watched it. I love it. He's so good in it. Check, check, check it out. Yeah, check, check, check it out. Free Bert on Netflix. In the meantime, enjoy this chat. I don't have much to plug up top other than my tour dates. I'm gonna be in Los Angeles on March 7th. Yep, March 7th. Then I'm going to be in Royal Oaks, Michigan, Tallahassee, Irving, Texas, Madison, Wisconsin, Denver, North Carolina, South Carolina, Vancouver, and then Portland. Tickets to all of Those are on PeteHomes.com Also be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel because my new special, Silly Silly Fun Boy is dropping in March. It's also going to be available for pre order, meaning you can watch it early on 800 pound gorillas one website. So check that out. Silly Silly Fun Boy. So excited about that new special and I really hope you enjoy it. And of course we'll be posting and blabbing and boring quite a bit about it in the month coming up. In the meantime, enjoy my chat with my friend Bert Kreischer. He's so fun. He's so good. I'm so glad he's here. Enjoy. Get into it.

[Julia Louis Dreyfus]

Hey there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus. I'm back with a new season of Wiser Than Me. The show where I sit down with remarkable older women and soak up their stories, their humor and their hard earned wisdom. Every conversation leaves me a little smarter and definitely more inspired. And yes, I'm still calling my 91 year old mom Judy to get her take on it. All Wiser Than Me from Lemonada Media is out now. Wherever you get your podcasts,

[Bert Kreischer]

It's morning in New York. Hey everybody, I'm Mandy Patinkin.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm Kathryn Grody.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we have a new podcast.

[Tom Segura]

It's called don't listen to us.

[Bert Kreischer]

Many of you have asked for our advice. Tell me, what is wrong with you people? Don't listen to us.

[Tom Segura]

Our take it or leave it advice show every Wednesday.

[Bert Kreischer]

Out now. A Lemonada Media original. I'd give it all for this house for this house and my girls to be 2 and 4. I would give it all. I got really emotional in the bathroom. Are we rolling?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I got really emotional in the bathroom, I saw those little stools with their names in it. And I just was like, I remember Brian Regan. We rolling.

[Tom Segura]

I'd give it all.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd give it all.

[Tom Segura]

It reminded me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Brian Regan came to my house. I've said this before, but I don't know. It's worth sharing.

[Tom Segura]

What are you nuts? I'm on the edge of my.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he said. And I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed that my house was so small.

[Tom Segura]

30.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's real. And one of your houses was so small at the time.

[Tom Segura]

I was embarrassed that that's whenever. Like, not to be dark, but whenever. Like, they're like some huge celebrity loses a house. I'm like, one of their houses.

[Bert Kreischer]

We almost lost one of mine.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I'm saying. You would have been honest.

[Bert Kreischer]

And my tour bus. And my tour.

[Tom Segura]

Buscher almost loses one of his tour buses.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is before then.

[Tom Segura]

This was Brian Regan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Brian Regan came to my house. And I was embarrassed because my house was so small. It was like. Had to be smaller than this house. And it was like, you've been there. 1100 square feet, by the way.

[Tom Segura]

You mean the one where you do the pod.

[Bert Kreischer]

I used to. No, not the new.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. This is a couple years ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

This. It's got to be like, 10 years ago.

[Tom Segura]

I remember. Can I interject? When I took. It was like, Joe Mandy and Chelsea Peretti and some other people, they all came here, like, kind of Roasty comics. And they were all like, this is a nice starter house. I thought it was the most gorgeous, amazing. And everybody was roasting it. Like, you could probably sell this in a couple of years. We lived here for a decade before we left. And we. It was perfect for us.

[Bert Kreischer]

We moved 2010 and then 20. We lived there for a decade. We lived in that house for a decade.

[Tom Segura]

But Regan's there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And he says. And I was just embarrassed. I said, we're getting ready to buy a big. We're gonna buy a big house. It was like, I regret every part of my personality, like. And, you know, you got. I think maybe full piece is when you're at. When you're at peace with who you really are. Sure. You know Big Jay Okerson, who we both love to death.

[Tom Segura]

Medium Jay.

[Bert Kreischer]

He lost a lot. Medium Jay. Yeah, Right.

[Tom Segura]

He's a Medium Jay now.

[Bert Kreischer]

He said to me one time, I was like. I was upset that people would make videos about me and, like, criticize me, that. Be like, hate me. And he was like. And I was like, you know, maybe I should start and he goes, bert, you're doing fine. And it was like, you know, one of the. He's like, you're killing it. Like, what do you. But I said to Brian Regan, you know, we're gonna get a bigger house. And he goes, this is the perfect. And he got very morose with me, and he said, you know, you got the big house. And then next thing you know, you're screaming to get someone to go to dinner with you. And, you know, you're like, anyone? Like. And then he goes. And then, you know, I got divorced. And he was like, now you should really appreciate right now. And as he said that, Georgia came in from the pool and said, mom, Isla just kicked me in the vagina. And I was like. And, you know, you realize you woke up. I will. No, no. I was, like, so embarrassed that, like. Because he's, like, such a. It was like, he's an idol of mine. I love. I love Brian Regan. And I was so embarrassed that he was seeing the behind like that. It was like, oh, you still thought it was embarrassing. I was like, God damn it, man. Like. And then he was like, no, man, this is what a house. It should sound like kicking a vagina. It's a gut house. Gut house. You gotta have it. It smells good in here.

[Tom Segura]

It smells good. Smells like kid got kicked in the cooch back here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Filthy.

[Tom Segura]

Regan, do you think.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who do you think? The comics that are starting right now, who do you think is there, Regan? Who's there, Regan? It's.

[Tom Segura]

Ours was Reagan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ours was Regan. All of ours.

[Tom Segura]

Bill Burr is Gaffigan. They're all got a little sprink. They'd admit it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, they'd admit it. I mean, clean Bill Burr.

[Tom Segura]

Clean Bill Burr. Bill Burr's presents, where he goes, britney Spears wants a helicopter with the flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. I'm like, brian. And I say that because, yeah, Bill

[Bert Kreischer]

Burr, by the way, nothing but love for Bill Burr.

[Tom Segura]

Dead. Dad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dad. You see the guy comes on the commercial, he's got the pan. Bam, bam, bam. I get him my heads off of that with the ban. Bam.

[Tom Segura]

That's right. And Gaffigan is. I don't know about you, I like bread, but when I go to a restaurant, I love bread. They got bread here. I'm doing it as Regan now. They got bread here. We got to get the recipe for bread. That's a Regan bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

They say to serving. No, that's Regan, I think, was it Regan who goes.

[Tom Segura]

They say, big Newtons. I eat them by the sleeve.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the sleeve.

[Tom Segura]

Goes in like a wood chipper. He also has another great one about being on an airplane. And there's that one beam of light the size of a quarter. He's like, I'm reading a book like I'm working a wood saw.

[Bert Kreischer]

I told him a joke of his one time that he did not remember. And it made me laugh so hard that I wonder if it was him or someone doing it, like, ripping off. And he goes, I got on the computer the other day, and the little. The little paperclip comes up, knocks on the thing. Are you trying to write a letter? And he goes, no, I thought. I tried to buy the same computer. I got the cheap one. This is how stupid I am. And knocks on the wind because. Are you trying to write the Magna Carta?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, stuff was big, dude. Are you trying to write a suicide note like it wrote itself?

[Bert Kreischer]

What was like, who Will? How. How dark Will. Clippy.

[Tom Segura]

That was the original. AI was Clippy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's. If we were bad, would be like, Tink. When I was growing up, I didn't have AI. We had Clippy 75. That's if I wanted to. I don't know. I feel like that's too.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I was watching this. I was.

[Tom Segura]

Take a beat. Take a beat. Take a sip of your double Big Gulp. When you walk into a 7 11, do they just start pouring that for you?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. I bought the cup and the ice for a dollar, and then I bought two Mountain Dews with a liquid death sprinkle salt seltzer boil. You bought the cup? I bought the cup. And then I make my cocktail.

[Tom Segura]

Say it again.

[Bert Kreischer]

I make my cocktail.

[Tom Segura]

You buy. So bottles of Dew.

[Bert Kreischer]

A bottle of Dew.

[Tom Segura]

You're doing the Dew.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love Mountain Dew. You're still doing that Dew.

[Tom Segura]

Can I ask you a question, please. What does it taste like?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, like dreams.

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm with you. Mountain Dew is a great taste. But what is the taste, you know when you find out that, like, cola is like vanilla and cherry? Like, they build it? What is Mountain Dew?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm really good at this. I broke down. I broke down. I broke down Juicy Fruit one time.

[Tom Segura]

The taste is going to move you. And I want to know what that taste is.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's.

[Tom Segura]

What's this taste? There's something floral about Mountain Dew. There's something sort of like maybe I'm just buying into the mountain part now.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got to know. I have no idea. I've watered it down so much, I can barely taste it now.

[Tom Segura]

Katie's, going to look it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. What's the flavor of Mountain Dew? You know that's J.D. vance's favorite drink, right? J.D.

[Tom Segura]

vance loves Mountain Dew.

[Bert Kreischer]

Didn't. Isn't that what he said?

[Tom Segura]

That seems like when this isn't just mellow yellow, that seems.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's Mountain Dew. It's Mountain dew. Mountain Dew's J.D. vance's favorite drink. He's the vice president, right? What?

[Tom Segura]

You're talking to the wrong guy, but I think so.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good.

[Tom Segura]

I was playing what president is which soda?

[Bert Kreischer]

Take it.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I thought Trump might be Mountain Dew code red. Not trying to get political saying Mountain Dew code red.

[Bert Kreischer]

Barack Obama's definitely Pepsi.

[Tom Segura]

Barack Obama is Pepsi, and you beat me to it. And the symbol looks like his symbol.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you know, black guys like Pepsi. You know that, right?

[Tom Segura]

BG's like pee.

[Bert Kreischer]

BG's like BG's love pee.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't know. I thought BG's like sprite, so.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Tom Segura]

That's like a 90s thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. No, it's like a. It's like established black guys like Pepsi. Yeah, I can. I can call a black guy if you want.

[Tom Segura]

We don't need to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Donna Rollins. We had Donna Rollins on the podcast. Okay. And. And we were talking about Pepsi versus Coke. And I think Stavi was the one that said black guys love Pepsi and black families love Pepsi, and it was because Pepsi was a sweeter taste. And they did a sale. Like, they did a sale. And John L. Said, growing up, you get 2 liters of Pepsi for the same price of 1 liter for diet Coke. So his family always bought Pepsi. And it checked out. Like, everyone in the comments is like, we grew up drinking Pepsi. My daughter Isla loves Pepsi.

[Tom Segura]

Your daughter Isla loves your daughter Isla.

[Bert Kreischer]

My daughter Isla.

[Tom Segura]

My favorite part of the show, by the way, I. By the way, I texted you how great the show is.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did?

[Tom Segura]

I just didn't want to wait until I saw you. I was like, what if I die? I gotta tell Bert. I was just like. Katie and I were talking about it, too, and she used the word magnetic. I was like, you're so magnetic. I just love watching it sometimes you're not in it. And I'm like, fucking, no, that's not true. I'm not putting anyone down.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no.

[Tom Segura]

But I just catch myself watching you, and I'm so critical. I can be so crit critical when I watch other comics. And when I watch, I'm just like, no notes. I just love you.

[Bert Kreischer]

As a performer, the comments I really do. The texts I've gotten from comedians mean the most to me out of everyone because we're so. The first text. The first text I got was Chris DiStefano.

[Tom Segura]

And he said, glad that ended that way. He goes, dalia blew me up. The first text I got was Dalia.

[Bert Kreischer]

He hasn't rewatched it. I haven't. I haven't heard from him. Shout out to Dalia, like, yo, where are you, buddy? The DiStefano texted me, and he was like, this series is great. You're awesome in it. You're a great actor. And it was the day it launched. And so in my head, I was like, you also can say nothing if you don't like it.

[Tom Segura]

You still have nothing on the menu.

[Bert Kreischer]

You still have nothing on your menu.

[Tom Segura]

You can still order nothing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I was like, well, if you send it, you must mean it. And then they started coming in, and I got yours. And I was like, oh. Cause as comics, we also don't have to say anything. And so that means the world to me. And I've gotten, like, crazy ones. Like, I tell me my head. What's the lady? Sarah Palin.

[Tom Segura]

Sarah Palin texted you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I got a clap. Clap from Sarah Palin.

[Tom Segura]

Two clap emojis.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Shout out to Sarah Palin.

[Tom Segura]

So they were big. You can do three before they get.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sarah Palin's a fan of the show. Bradley Cooper.

[Tom Segura]

Sarah Palin.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. She looks so good right now. I think she's on a GLP1. She looks. She looks. She looks. I mean, like, listen, we're both married to, like, age appropriate women, like, right? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But isn't Palin like, in a six six zero?

[Bert Kreischer]

And we would be lucky to have

[Tom Segura]

that,

[Bert Kreischer]

by the way.

[Tom Segura]

Be lucky to see her from your backyard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sarah Palin.

[Tom Segura]

Her.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm guessing her drink, if she had won, vice president would have been who died, right? I like it. I like it. George Bush is a tab.

[Tom Segura]

George Bush.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tab. Tab.

[Tom Segura]

You're so right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll take a tab.

[Tom Segura]

You mean George H.W. bush.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, I'll take a tab.

[Tom Segura]

I'll have a tab.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I shouldn't, but I'll have a tab. It was like, his indulgence. I told myself I wouldn't have one, but I'm gonna have a tab.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think. I think the you can even go

[Tom Segura]

to, like, Lincoln as root beer. We know Lincoln is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Heinz root Beer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hayes is faygo.

[Tom Segura]

Sorry, who?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, we used to drink faygo growing up. Like, Faygo showed up.

[Tom Segura]

That's insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. Faygo showed up. And my dad was like, buddy, Faygo is the shit. And so your dad came in with

[Tom Segura]

Faygo for the family.

[Bert Kreischer]

So crazy. Am I making this up? Do you know sometimes, like, you'll have a dream and you'll have a memory. Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And if you woke up in your

[Tom Segura]

bed right now, D. Stefano.

[Bert Kreischer]

My dad got. My dad fucked our family and got a Android. Oh, no. And now you can't FaceTime him or texts go to some mysterious place.

[Tom Segura]

I'm saying that's one of the slickest things Apple did, was shame.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it.

[Tom Segura]

We're gonna shame him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You can see Tim Cook going. And what we're gonna do is we're gonna shame him. It'll take a little bit longer. It'll say, sent as text message.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a friend.

[Tom Segura]

I have a little shame Text.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a famous friend. And he sent a group text, and he was like, hey, guys, we're gonna have to hop off this and go into WhatsApp. What's. What's that? What's it called?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, WhatsApp.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, not happening. And never responded. I gotta. I got a group of friends.

[Tom Segura]

You want me to download an app?

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, I got a group of friends.

[Tom Segura]

I can't believe Kevin Hart would do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, you're good. I haven't talked to Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart, I think, hates me right now.

[Tom Segura]

Kevin Hart could be your heart.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You mean like, in a cannonball? He could definitely be my liver. I can't see anything. All right, let's see if my dad remembers Faygo.

[Tom Segura]

Black and small.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's not. You know, it's amazing how small Kevin Hart really is when you run into him. Is that real? You're massive. It's the same way you go, God damn it, Pete's tall Shit. You forget it until you give him a hug.

[Tom Segura]

Then you see Kevin.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, my dad's useless androids.

[Tom Segura]

It probably didn't even ring. And when you call an Android from an iPhone, it's a 50. 50.

[Bert Kreischer]

If it'll ring, do you know what he does? He opens it up like a. Like a laptop. It opens up and he's like, look at how big this is.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's a folder.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's a folder.

[Tom Segura]

That's what Shane had. He had the folding.

[Bert Kreischer]

That makes sense.

[Tom Segura]

How bad does a phone have to be when a double screen and we're still like, get that fucking shit out of here.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's Apple or nothing.

[Tom Segura]

It's apple or nothing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can we go back to monopolies?

[Tom Segura]

I will miss I love a Monopoly.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Monopoly Manopoly man. What would you love? Monopolized.

[Tom Segura]

Like just taken care of but socially monopolized.

[Bert Kreischer]

Meaning like responsibly. It's responsibly monopolized.

[Tom Segura]

I don't really know how to answer that question. Well, phones have been monopolized. Amazon has been everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm cool with it.

[Tom Segura]

It's everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm cool with it. I'm very cool with it. As a matter of fact.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think our daughters will grow up driving cars?

[Bert Kreischer]

My daughter is still doesn't have a car. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

We're getting closer and closer. I wrote a waymo

[Bert Kreischer]

I've never but I slowed down to see if it would hit me when we were pulling into Get Good day la.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I did. And then another car was coming. I was like, oh, that's not a waymo.

[Tom Segura]

I do think that's one of the perks is you. You know it'll stop.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

They're very jaywalk friendly here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's get even deeper in the weeds on this. What have you socialized yourself? Meaning like not socialized. Monopolized. Monopoly. Socialized is the same thing in my head because I. There's certain things I no longer do. Like I'll give you an example. T shirts. I refuse to wear T shirts with a logo or anything on them. Zero.

[Tom Segura]

Nothing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't. I don't.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know when that happened either.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's getting older.

[Tom Segura]

It's. It. This is all we have. It used to be like ties and jackets and now we're just like, I'm a grown man. I don't want a shirt that says I know kung fu. I just.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I shaved my. For this. That was.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not gay, but my butthole is. These are real shirts.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've seen. I've seen some good shirts. You know who wore that shirt?

[Tom Segura]

Medium J. Worst shirt that said I'm not gay

[Bert Kreischer]

but my butthole is what I stopped wearing the last shirt I wore. I've dabbled at times. Like I. But I've usually wear a sweat a hoodie. I don't mind having a logo on.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I like is your character wears a lot of comedy club shirts.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, they're fun. I wanted to wear exactly what I wear in real life.

[Tom Segura]

Is that what you wear in real life?

[Bert Kreischer]

In real life, I have my sleeves cut off in the summer sweatshirts. I love the pocket right here. It's super functional. Oh, yeah, and I love kangaroos.

[Tom Segura]

Ain't wrong. You're gonna say God's wrong. You're gonna say God's wrong.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope, God's not wrong.

[Tom Segura]

We don't need a pocket there.

[Bert Kreischer]

God's never been wrong.

[Tom Segura]

God's never been wrong. Platypus got it, too. Just don't use it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I think Seahorse guy carries the baby. I'm cool with it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Great Gaffigan, bitch. Shouldn't we have called that the girl?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. Isn't it funny? I got my knowledge from Gaffigan.

[Tom Segura]

Educated by Gavigan. Where are you on slippers?

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, so hold on.

[Tom Segura]

You got. You come back to that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never in my. In my life as a Florida kid never wore slippers. Or my dad called them scuffies. Leanne calls them house shoes. That's what she calls them. Never, never in my life.

[Tom Segura]

Where are my house shoes?

[Bert Kreischer]

Give me a pair of house shoes.

[Tom Segura]

You're letting all the b air out. Give me my house sho.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got you a good pair of house shoes. You got everyone that got the house shoes. And then she wears snuggly socks and house shoes. Guys want to put on snuggly socks and get on our house shoes. Watch the show.

[Tom Segura]

Can I say this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep. Please.

[Tom Segura]

Because a lot of American houses make you take your shoes off, but they don't offer you house shoes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, Leanne's got plethora.

[Tom Segura]

I'd say yes to a snuggly oversized sock and a house shoe because fuck you. You got a germ policy that gives me chilly feet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, you're walking around in your socks in someone's house.

[Tom Segura]

You're fancy. You want me to keep your clean house clean? Give me some house shoes. Give me some slippies. We're gonna take half of it from Japan, because in Japan. Take your shoes off. Guess what we got slippers. Or your wife wouldn't call them house shoes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Toms were the best version of slippers I've ever worn, and by wore them out.

[Tom Segura]

But Toms, you seem like Adidas guy. The Three Strand.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, never. Never in my life. Never in my life. Oh, my God. I find that so offensive, because there was never the type. There was a type of kid that wore that growing up, and I was not that kid.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was never that kid. Kid. I know.

[Tom Segura]

I'm sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I walk that back, please? Please?

[Tom Segura]

That was just a riff.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm a flip. I'm a flip flop barefoot guy my whole life.

[Tom Segura]

Flop or bf.

[Bert Kreischer]

Flip flop or barefoot. And. And. And then all of a sudden, Jelly Roll sends me his. Hey, dudes.

[Tom Segura]

What are hey, dudes? They're slippers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, house shoes. They're a combination of both, I think. I'll say this to Jelly's defense. I think when you're a big guy, anything you can slide. Everything's a house shoe, everything. Technically, there's not a lot of tie in. When you're a big guy, everything's a slide. No. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So slide ins. Only for Howie Mandela. Don't want to touch him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And for those who bending in a half.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's part of why I did part of. And I would do Nike SB dunks. Guys slip my feet in them. When you're big, you don't want to tie anything. So Jelly sounds me, hey, dudes. I don't want them. But. But I. I use them in the gym. And then all of a sudden they send me. Hey, dude. Start sending me stuff through Jelly. And I get house shoes. Like slippers. Like real slippers, furry on the inside. Shove your feet in. And I've never, ever, ever in my life been a house shoe guy. Damn it if I'm not wearing them. Every day. Yeah, every day.

[Tom Segura]

And I. I just found them. I lose them. Oh. And then I find them and I'm like, I guess meat's back on the menu.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you what's crazy? Sebastian? I asked Sebastian. Oh, it's gonna get even better. I said to him. I said, and I'll ask you this question. So since we're talking about the wardrobe of the show, which is interesting, I wanted it to be very.

[Tom Segura]

For me, it's one of the reasons why I look forward to seeing you, because I want to see what you're gonna wear.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. And I was like, so, props to your wardrobe.

[Tom Segura]

And I guess it's you.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was me and this guy Renand, and we figured it out together. Yeah. I said to Sebastian because I wanted to be very real in the show. So when I walked around and I sit on the bed with one of my daughters, I'm always shirtless. I was always shirtless my whole life around my girls, always shirtless. Friends came over, still shirtless, always wore short running shorts. Very short. I didn't know how short they were until I saw them in the show. I really, honestly, I thought they were regular. I thought I looked good in them. And then I saw them and I went, that's what I fucking looked like.

[Tom Segura]

That's hilarious. That's like when David hasselhoff's daughter filmed him when he was drunk. The TV show was, you going, oh, my God, that's your burger on the ground.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said to my girlfriend, I said to my girls, if you ever do that to me, I will murder you.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, because,

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, there's been so many times they could have gone

[Tom Segura]

when you burgered it. Oh, Daddy's been burgering.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. I remember one time I got drunk at a movie with them, and Leanne drove us back, and I tried to run into the house, and I tripped and I headbutted a planter, broke the planter and knocked myself unconscious. And the girls had the video, and they were laughing hysterically, and I posted it to Instagram before they could.

[Tom Segura]

That's some good move.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, I owe my five minute. And then the rule was, if I wasn't allowed to drink in skinny jeans, they're like, dad can't drink in skinny jeans.

[Tom Segura]

The booze community always has some goofy rules. Oh, like, if I'm wearing a watch, no hard liquor. How about, take a look at your life.

[Bert Kreischer]

No skinny jeans. I'm taking off all my jewelry. We're drinking.

[Tom Segura]

You look like you're drinking less. Can I say I'm not drinking at all? Better than the bird on the show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Much better bird on the show. I was a little worried it was a big bird.

[Tom Segura]

It's a big bird.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a acting decision I made. Gain the weight. I was like, let's see how big I can get.275. Cool. We'll lock it down for that. No, I like you.

[Tom Segura]

Do you look good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I mean? I'm not making fun of you.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no.

[Tom Segura]

Then I saw you, and I was like, what happened?

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a blood clot in my leg. Bc in the L and the L, and then in the other L, both Ls.

[Tom Segura]

So that guy's, like, tying some stuff. It's their arteries.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, no. So. And then. And this is awful. No, no, no. And so I haven't drank in a month. I'm on blood thinners. But I also got a Manjaro that. But I was drinking on Manjaro, but

[Tom Segura]

it's like a GLP one.

[Bert Kreischer]

It pterase uptide. Same. Same, I think. But. And so I've lost, like. I've lost a considerable amount of weight. 40 pounds. But the really not drinking for the past month is. I mean, it just changes everything. Like, the color in your face, like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's really crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But here's the question I ask you because I try to keep it real in my wardrobe as a dad. What do you wake up? What do you. What do you wear to go make coffee? Because I asked Sebastian, and he goes, where? A robe? I went, what? He goes, I put on a robe. I got. I got seasonal robes.

[Tom Segura]

I put on a robe like I'm a boxer.

[Bert Kreischer]

As a matter of fact, we're switching. We're switching seasons. I'm changing robes in a week. I mean, it's.

[Tom Segura]

I'm dead. That. He said he was changing a robe in a week. He goes, I'm going from silk to cotton.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's got a. He's got a silk summer robe, a spring rope.

[Tom Segura]

I bet it's pretty short.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I'm dying. I would love to see.

[Tom Segura]

I'd love to see where the knee length on Sebastian's robe.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know how much money he'd make if he sold robes? And he was like, guys, I've put my 10,000 hours in a couple things, and robes is one of them.

[Tom Segura]

I'd wear a Sebastian.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I started wearing robes because of him.

[Tom Segura]

I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

With robes.

[Tom Segura]

It's a towel I can wear.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hedberg.

[Tom Segura]

I don't. I just don't. You know why?

[Bert Kreischer]

Why?

[Tom Segura]

You're wet. You put on a robe. You're like, this is great. I don't have to dry off. Then you're just wearing a wet jacket. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me? I'm gonna go downstairs. You think my daughter's gonna listen to me, the idiot in a wet jacket? Honey, you gotta put on your shoes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You look like.

[Tom Segura]

Wear something dry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cello player from the Titanic. Wait, wait.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is so. I can't. I started. I got a robe. I did some. I did the Columbus. Whatever. The thing is. And the present they gave me was a robe.

[Tom Segura]

You did a Columbus. Whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Columbus Mattress sale, Schottenheimer center or whatever. I did the arena and they gave me a robe, and it was like embroidered of, like, ticket. Whatever. Sold out, whatever. So it was really nice. And so I put it on and I went, what?

[Tom Segura]

If it's very specific? It's like Bert Kreischer. Sold out 12 shows, 75 comps, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's 75 comps. Sold out.

[Tom Segura]

Bottom bowl still lots money due to his rider.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so.

[Tom Segura]

Who needs that much nacho cheese?

[Bert Kreischer]

I got up, the next city was cold. I didn't have a jacket with me. And I said, you know what? I'm gonna wear my robe to catering. So I Get off the bus in my robe and my. Hey, dude, Slippers. Yeah. And everyone that worked there took a picture of me walking through the hallway. It had never happened ever before because

[Tom Segura]

you were wearing the robe.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, look at this guy, huh? Click, click. Like I was the fancy guy, like a rock star.

[Tom Segura]

Let me ask you this picture a king. What's he wearing?

[Bert Kreischer]

A fucking robe and slippers. And with five people walking behind me and I mean, Scepter Pete. They were like, oh, look at big time. Hey, take a look. Hold on. I got to show my wife this. With the fucking robe. God damn. With the fucking robe. I was like, I got to stop wearing a robe.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, no more robe. Where are you on slippers? Outside of the house. Because sometimes I'm wearing them. I'm just going to walk the dog around the block.

[Bert Kreischer]

Slippers right now. I'm really heavy on slippers. I'm really, I mean, like, like I'm. I'm taking a bath in slippers. I've got so many. I put them on last night. I swear to God. I put them on last night to watch Super Bowl. I swear to God. Leanna got me a pair of slippers that I had a collab with a flip flop company and they released a Bert Chrysler slipper. And I was like, I don't wear slippers. I got a couple pairs and I put on a pair last night to. To watch the game because my feet were cold.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'll answer your question now when I get up. This is what I said to Katie. I was like, of course I like your show a lot. I'm a comedian with daughters. If I didn't like your show, it

[Bert Kreischer]

means so much to me because I've like, every show you've done. Yeah, every show you've done.

[Tom Segura]

I really appreciate it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

To answer your question, I love the compliment. I'm not cutting that off. I'm comfortable with it. But if I'm getting up lately, it would be in like a really ratty sweatshirt and sweatpants. And sometimes the sweatpants get kicked up in the night. So I kind of look like a California teen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So I'm barefoot California teen. But I'm going to tell you the truth. I make my coffee, or really I start with a big glass of water like that, and I go out and I sit outside and I take my shirt off immediately. So I'm in the sun and I'm drinking my water. That's where my daughter will find me. If I got up first and she goes down. But there's a lot of. She's a naked kid, she loves.

[Bert Kreischer]

Both of mine were nudes.

[Tom Segura]

And I wouldn't say we're a naked family, but I do like Christian it. Yeah, I'm doing a lot of crashing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I, There's a real feeling to it.

[Tom Segura]

It's like it's your house 100%. I do. No, no shade here. I get the feeling that Mulaney is like, time to wind down. And he puts on like a sweater and there's like a collared shirt under it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm done with these, these, these suits, these, these loafers are killing me. Someone pass me my Converse.

[Tom Segura]

I'm gonna wear my Converse. I don't wind up like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bought his book, Savage Coast. He's got a book club.

[Tom Segura]

Does he?

[Bert Kreischer]

The big thing comics are doing. They have book clubs these days.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, book clubs. What book club?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

What do you mean? Comics are getting together and recommending books?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, they're recommending books. They're fans, actually. It's just him and Jessel. Nick, I think, but they, but I noticed both of them do it on the same day. And I went, oh, that's interesting.

[Tom Segura]

I just doing that. And I was like, I thought it was a joke.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, it's real. I bought his book is the Getaway. And I got it. And I think I got the Rugrats version. I bought the children's book on accident. I know. And I was like, I was like, I got the wrong one.

[Tom Segura]

And then I don't know, the getaway. I tried to buy, I went to the store, it was gone. I really don't know it though. That was so dumb. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Magic Mind. You know, I'm constantly drinking and obsessed and talking about Magic Mind. It's like Gatorade is for athletes. Magic Mind is creator aid for creators. It has 12 functional ingredients. Things like Matcha for a little bit of caffeine, Nootropics for focus, and adaptogens to help fight off stress. So it gets you right in that sweet spot. Stimulated but also calm. Nootropics to help you focus. Don't think wired, think dialed in. On average, people say they get about 30% more done. It even fights off procrastination, brain fog, fatigue, and some ADD type stuff. Take it from me, that is true. And after a few days in a row, it's even easier to slip into that flow state when you drink it. That flow state that we all chase and here's the best part. There's a money back guarantee so if it doesn't work for you, you get a free refund. They also have Magic Mind free, which is caffeine free. Which if I'm being honest, I thought that was dumb and now I'm obsessed. Right around 2, 3 o' clock when I want more brain power but not the caffeine that disrupts my sleep, I take a magic mind free. They also make magic mind Max, which has more caffeine than the usual, which I'm being honest, that's sometimes what I need. And I take one of those. They have something for everybody. They even have magic mind. For your sleep, go to magicmind.com weird and use the promo code weird at checkout. That's magicmind.com weird for 20% off your first order, just use promo code weird at checkout. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Factor Cold days, Big goals. No time to cook. Factor makes eating healthy easy with fully prepared meals, never frozen. Designed by dietitians and crafted by chefs so you can eat well without the planning or the cooking. Lately I've been loving their vegan meals. It's always important to me, especially this time of year, to eat clean but not sacrifice flavor. And these are legit. Tons of colorful veggies, whole food ingredients, healthy fats, no refined sugars, no artificial sweeteners, no refined seed oils. It's finding that plant based meal that actually tastes great and fills you up. Fitting into my busy February routine. They have lots of different ones. Vegan veggie plus high protein calorie smart Mediterranean GLP1 support ready to eat salads. And they just launched their new Muscle Pro collection to support strength and recovery. And the best part I already mentioned, they're always fresh, never frozen. So it's easy. Ready in about two minutes. No prep, no stress. Val and I love these. We use it and you should too. Head to FactorMeals.com weirdo50off and use code weirdo50OFF to get 50% off and free breakfast for a year. Free breakfast. Eat like a pro this month with Factor New subscribers only. Varies by plan. One free breakfast item per box for one year while subscription is active. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Warby Parker. I am obsessed with Warby Parker because recently I've started needing to wear eyeglasses to read. And so many times you're either wearing a cheap pair that you got from the drugstore that look awful and break easily or you're losing your mind at how expensive and complicated buying eyeglasses is. That's where Warby Parker comes in. Their virtual try on is a total game changer. You literally just point your phone at your face and boom. You can see tons of frames on you in real time. And it actually works. I've tried other virtual try ons. They feel janky, they, they're buggy. But with Waraby Parker, you can genuinely tell how the frames are going to look and fit, which is the whole thing. I got the Brimmer style in black walnut for my readers and I also picked up some of their sunglasses. They are premium, lightweight and stylish. Like you didn't panic. Buy them at a Walgreens on the way to brunch. They look awesome and Val thinks they look very handsome, so that's a win. Their prescription glasses start at 95 bucks, so you don't have to choose between outdated styles or spending half your paycheck. And they've got everything. Contacts, online, eye exams, glasses, sunglasses. Plus over 300 retail stores across the U.S. which is nice if you ever just want to go in person. Warby Parker gives you quality and better looking prescription eyewear at a fraction of the going price. So our listeners weirdos get 15% off plus free shipping when you buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at warbyparker.com weirdo that's 15% off when you buy two pairs of glasses at w a r b y parker.com weirdo after you purchase, tell them we sent you. Please support our show and tell them that that's how you heard about them. Get into it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bought the Getaway on Amazon. The wrong one and then the right one. And then I got Mulaney's one. Savage coast or something. Savage Coast. It's about. I mean, I'm the kind of guy that when I open a book, I go, do we have to read the preface?

[Tom Segura]

Can we skip this forward?

[Bert Kreischer]

Can we just get rid of the forward?

[Tom Segura]

I tried to do a bit about this. I was like, reading is already hard enough. You're like, all right, time to learn about Mars. Introduction.

[Bert Kreischer]

Introduction. I wrote this book for my grandson. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Sometimes it's by another person.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Or you don't know it's by the other person. So you're reading an intro in the author's voice and then you get to the end and it's like Tom Hanks. Why the fuck I would have read that as Woody? I gotta go back and read it again.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought it was.

[Tom Segura]

It should say introduction. By Tom Hanks. Just know this isn't the guy we gotta read before we read.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now, what was the book I started reading? I started reading the High cost of parking Tickets.

[Tom Segura]

The High cost of parking Tickets.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. It's really a fascinating book. If it wasn't 700 pages just about parking tickets. It's just about parking tickets. Wow. Like, I read 20 pages and it's the first 20 pages, very interesting. But then I was like, this is a lot about parking tickets.

[Tom Segura]

Got 680.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I like flipped 40 pages and I was like, I saw parking tickets. I went, okay, flipped like 100 pages and I still saw the word parking tickets. I go, dude, still talking about parking tickets. I just went to the last page and he said, that's everything you need to know about parking tickets. And I was like, wow. I was like, I'm out. And then I said to a smart guy, I was like, did you. Have you ever heard of this book about parking tickets? He goes, oh, yeah, I'm not going to read that. I just got the TED Talk. I was like, there's a TED Talk?

[Tom Segura]

That's cold.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When you watch there, you could have seen this in 15 minutes. That's more than you need. I mean, I don't need that. Parking tickets.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What was something interesting in the beginning? There's more parking tickets than there are pieces of lettuce on burgers.

[Bert Kreischer]

So do you ever look at those? Okay, this is the fascinating thing about this book. And I've only read 20 pages.

[Tom Segura]

That's all I need.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I'm gonna tell you everything you need to read in 20 pages. That's all I want. The cost of parking dictates, like, you know how it's expensive to park in New York City, so people just walk everywhere, and then the city's got everything you need next door, two blocks away. Well, then you go to somewhere like downtown la, and you're like, well, nothing's around. Like, I would never go down here. And you're like, oh, but there's huge parking lots open where people park.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, though technically those lots are needed for those buildings that are sometimes vacant and they don't have enough parking in that building. It requires a certain amount of parking to have that occupied. And so that's why I have these vacant lots. If you get rid of that and find a median price for parking where it's kind of expensive, you can then build buildings there, and then people will live there. Now, in. What that does, in essence, is it creates the suburban sprawl which then creates pollution, which then creates these strip malls in the middle of nowhere. And it's like it. Everything I read was in that 20 pages. I'm sure there's more to it.

[Tom Segura]

It's like looking at parking and what it does to the world.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. Yeah. Looking at parking and going, so what if we said. Instead of like 25 cents per minute, which it's like, you know, people go down and they're like, I'll circle until I find a spot. Yeah, 25 cents per minute or whatever parking is a dollar per minute. What if we said it was like $20 per minute? Then you'd find parking when you needed it and people would go, well, I'd rather take the bus into the city.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I see.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, make it.

[Tom Segura]

It's like Chris Rock's bit, make bullets expensive.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. And when New York's a perfect example, because I remember when you meet someone in New York that had a car, you like, you have a fucking caratsy. Yeah. And you were like. And they were like, well, I got. I have one. I mean, I ain't going.

[Tom Segura]

I'm. I'm not going to be going nowhere.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm not going to be going nowhere.

[Tom Segura]

They'd had a great bit, by the way, where he's like, it's the most New York driving bit of all time. And I think I was in his car when this would happen. He's like, when you're driving people in New York, they want you to park anywhere. They're like, just park here. He's like, there's a fire. Just pull over here. It's fine. Because they don't care about your car. He's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

He said something. We were playing golf one time, and my daughter Isla had said something casually to me that I didn't really assess. And then I said it to Nate and he got really excited. Buddy, that's a bit. And the bit was we went to Sofi and saw Sofi. It had to be Sofi. Maybe it was Sofi and saw Metallica.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Isla goes. Said she goes, can you believe they still use dogs for canine units? I was like, what do you mean? She's like, why wouldn't they use gorillas? And Nate goes, buddy, that's a bit. I never really thought of it. I just was like, how fucking stupid is that? And then Nate's like, no, buddy, I mean, she's not off. I mean, they do sign language. And then I did the bit on stage of like, can you imagine a hostage Situation where they're like, should we send in the dogs? And he's like, they don't have thumbs, man. How are you gonna open the doors? And I was like, get Coco. And then I did this gorilla act out. And then like, coco, no throw, baby. And they're like, no, no, no, Coco. We just need you to get them, bring them out. It's fantastic.

[Tom Segura]

And not. Not. I think it's because we don't want an animal that can do that many things, like those little delivery bots and a chimp, an ape like that. It would be like, well, what if the delivery bot can stand up and cut you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I mean? A dog. No matter how scary a dog is, it is down there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you're right.

[Tom Segura]

A gorilla gets right up. Gorilla, gorilla. I'm not comfortable with it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you be. What would you be cooler with? Okay, socializing gorillas? Having just gorillas around or continuing AI

[Tom Segura]

oh, what's the difference?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm just kidding.

[Tom Segura]

I like the guy that doesn't know how to answer. I'd say a little of both.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would love more monkeys.

[Tom Segura]

Are you scared of AI?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't really understand AI. So, like, you know, I don't get it the way people get it. Like, I've always been late to the game on everything. Like, when email showed up, I was like, okay. I remember them saying, we had a class, and they said, all you have to do is go home, take your paper, cut and paste it, and send it as an email. That was the only assignment? Yeah. And I was so confused. I had my. All my roommates were in my room, and I was like, so I have an email address? And they're like, yeah. I go, I've never signed up for you. I don't know what email is. And they're like, no, we all got one through the school. And I was like, and how would I ever find that out? And they're like, well, you gotta log into the system. And I was like, log into what system? And they're like. And then I got my email and I go, now I'm gonna cut and paste. Like, where I. And I had the piece. I had the paper. And I go, do I put it up to the screen? And they're like, I don't know, man. I don't know. I remember they were just as dumb as me. My buddy Huck.

[Tom Segura]

You guys are putting it in the disc drive.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is my favorite story defining how dumb we were, me and my buddy Hutch. I was leaving to go to class One day. And Blair and Hutch, my two roommates. Blair is, by the way, a big time lawyer now. And Hutch is very smart in our business, like in. Like. He's not a comedian, but he's a people's person.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

He runs like something. He's very. He does well. Yeah, but he's not book smart. I walk out, I'm going to class. Hutch. Hutch. Not book smart.

[Tom Segura]

Hutch isn't. Not cracking the books.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not.

[Tom Segura]

It's like Sully. You said Sully's not in the library.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's got an emotional brilliance. There's so much to him where you would. He would floor you and you would give him every cent you had. But man, yeah, yeah, he. There's some. Hutch. Hutch had a problem as a child with throwing sticks in the air and them sticking in his throat because he would look up with his mouth open.

[Tom Segura]

That is the funniest thing a person has said on this podcast. Hutch had a problem throwing sticks in the air. And more than once.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, the real problem went down the real problem. And it happened twice. The real problem was bike flags. Do you remember the bike flags that would sit on the back of the bike? He would sit in his front yard and throw them up in the air and watch him stick in the ground. And twice when they went down his throat.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, bike flag me once, shame on me.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the. If you want to get to the ID of my. My stand up comedy, it was not knowing how to do it right? Not knowing how to do it and going on stage and just telling stories that had happened to me that were real. And then. And then people laughing and going, I guess that works.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you would talk about your friend Hutch like it was normal.

[Bert Kreischer]

I met him. We were playing disco.

[Tom Segura]

This is what's so fun about you and Tom. You say something and then Tom is like, come again?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, this is what's happening right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Playing disc golf, I threw a stick in the air and missed a stick. And he goes, if I were you, I'd be careful. I said, what? And he goes, you know when you look up, your mouth automatically opens. And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess. And he was like, well, if you're not paying attention, stick can go right down your throat. Happened to me twice. And I was like, wait, what? He was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And he's like, remember those bike flags? I happened to me twice, too. And I.

[Tom Segura]

Two sticks, two flags. How many times? I mean, it's a Skill. At a certain point.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fool me once, fool me once.

[Tom Segura]

It's like bottle flipping. Yeah, but he's doing it into his own gullet.

[Bert Kreischer]

One time. I'm. By the way, I'm not making this up. And if Hutch was here, he'd go, oh, no, no. That happened one time. It was a hammer and it landed on his head. He would. He loved to throw things in his front yard. And watch him. Hutch, if you have any Hut. I swear to God, if I could call Hutch. And he'd be like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh yeah. So I'm going to class.

[Tom Segura]

Hutch is watching Find his phone right now. He threw it in the air and he swallowed it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hutches, Hutch, Hutches. And by the way, Hutch, if you meet Hutch, the happiest man in the

[Tom Segura]

world, I think the swirl the greatest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Relate the greatest relationship with his kids you'll ever see. Fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They love each other. I mean, immeasurably.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When he had his youngest son, was his name from the movie. From the movie Six Six with the Afro. When he. When he had this best movie in the world. Why would I name him? Right?

[Tom Segura]

This sounds like a very happy person. I'm not joking. If you're just first choice, best choice on your kid's name. What's. He had a second kid, Ace.

[Bert Kreischer]

He went Bible on the second bleep their name. Just cuz, like it's. I guess people get weird about their kids or stuff. I don't, but like, I mean, your

[Tom Segura]

TV kids are your kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so he had, I think his oldest. And we went to dinner and he was still in the bassinet, you know, like the car seat you can unhook. And we went to dinner with my parents and Hutch took his son and put him underneath the center of the table. Underneath the table. And my dad goes, what the fuck are you doing? And he goes, put him on the table. And we're like, he's a human. Shouldn't we have him up with us? And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. No one's going to spill anything on him. Yeah, but he's by our feet. Like, isn't it weird to keep your son by our feet? And Hutch goes, why rather have him by my feet than someone spill something on him? My dad's like, no one spills any. And as he says that, a lady drops a huge fucking tray right next to Hutch. And Hutch goes, who's the dumb One now. And it would have gotten all over his kid, I swear to God. So, like, in as. As crazy as this man sounds, he has got the key to life.

[Tom Segura]

Hutch has the touch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hutch, he would sell books door to door during the summer in what I can only call a cult. I don't know what to call it. Sure, they would go to neighbor and they had tricks. Like, at 3 and 3 in the afternoon when you're tired, you had to do like, seven somersaults on the ground

[Tom Segura]

to get yourself reinvigorated.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they do seven somersaults. And it was like. It was. It was a mentality. I wish someone's going to know more of what I'm talking.

[Tom Segura]

It was Nexium.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was like. It was one of those Nexium.

[Tom Segura]

And Hutch was the Keith Ranieri of summer Saltium.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, he would put. What was it, $5 on the. On the post it. Every morning at a coffee. They would meet for coffee every morning. Everyone that sold books and the last person there had to pay for all the coffees. That's how Hutch would inspire everyone. So they'd all meet for coffee and breakfast, and Hutch would order a meal, and he'd get there at five in the morning because he knew. And then everyone would get there, and then someone's inevitably late. They had to pay for everything.

[Tom Segura]

It's the Okie cookie of breakfast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. So, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. No one got that. I got that. I got it. Second late. And it's perfect. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hutch is one of. He would get. He would get hired as a motivational speaker to go around the world and talk to people because he had made so much money selling books. Because you can.

[Tom Segura]

For the cult.

[Bert Kreischer]

You. You loved him. You trust him. You'd invite him into your house. If he walked in right now, something about his smile, you'd go like, I like this guy.

[Tom Segura]

Megalomaniac. I don't mean he's a megalomaniac, but I am fascinated with people that you're just like. I don't know why. Like, cult. Let's take Hutch out of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not saying he's a megalomaniac. I'm saying there are people who aren't safe and are the most likable. This is Keith Ranieri. Like, no joke. Like, leaders of cults are magnanimous, effervescent, engaging, brilliant. David Koresh. Like, they talk about all these guys. They were like, if he walked in, you would buy his book, so to speak.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you. You would. You would. If Hutch had an idea, a business idea, you'd give him all your money. He's just that guy. He's. He used to this thing called the A list. He would. Every day he'd go. He'd shop for all his groceries, and then he shopped for things we all used. And that was called the A list. I wish my buddy Blair and Keith were here, because they could do it so much more justice.

[Tom Segura]

What's the A list?

[Bert Kreischer]

So the A list would be his receipt for everything he got at Costco or Sam's club. And then A list was like Doritos. A list was like frozen pizzas. And then every now and then, you'd go, a list kickball, huh? And he'd be like, kickball. You know, in case we want to play kickball, we're like, none of us want to play kickball, Hutch. We're grown ups. And he's like, I mean, figured getting a kickball, we're all going to use it. If we play kickball one day, Blair and I are high as fuck, and we're in our front yard and we're kicking this stupid kickball, making fun of it, kicking it as high as we can in the air, going like, we gotta get our money's worth. And Hutch comes out and sticks his head over the balcony, goes, never gonna use that kickball, huh? We're like, fuck, we're playing with the kickball.

[Tom Segura]

And then the kickball lands on the table. We pan down the babies under the table. Hutch is right. He is trust Hutch.

[Bert Kreischer]

He is. He's like the first dude I ever knew that knew about Costa Rica. He'd just go to Costa Rica. It's like, this is like 1992. He's going to go to Costa Rica. Like, when it's wildly dangerous.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hutch is going to Costa Rica by himself, surfing. He'd ange with him his wife, and she's still on the beach. He'd surf, come back like, oh, it's great. A little cold beer. I still. Still to this day say cold beer because Hutch says cold beer.

[Tom Segura]

It's funny because you are, to me, the symbol of a hutch like person.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that was our.

[Tom Segura]

And you had hutches that were out hutching you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, to your.

[Tom Segura]

From your perspective, you're not even a hutch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, not even remotely.

[Tom Segura]

You're not even.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm too cynical to be a hutch.

[Tom Segura]

But you're a hutch to this I mean this lovingly. I like square. And I'm like, look at this, Hutch. And you're like, you don't even know how hard people can Hutch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you have no idea.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, the dudes I grew up with are all hutches in that life didn't need to be complicated.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, the idea that you would read a comment to my friends or like, is really.

[Tom Segura]

They don't understand.

[Bert Kreischer]

If I said to Hutch, like, he. He, like, my buddy Ty Rodriguez texted me, said, I love your show. I'm driving around the country by myself right now, trying to, you know, figure some things out. And I just loved it. And if I said to Ty, you know, so funny, I got a couple comments that people didn't like it, he would be like, what do you mean? Comments? Like, where? Like, who said it? And I was like, no, online. He's like, the idea that you would look. Take another person's opinion. Yeah. On something you were proud of.

[Tom Segura]

When you're out there hutching.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's like listening to someone to say, don't go to Costa Rica in 1995. And you're like, why? Yeah, yeah, but we need that energy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you one of the things everyone knows is I like Kool Aid, had some.

[Tom Segura]

Last time you're on the show, Hutch,

[Bert Kreischer]

is one night I'm drinking, and Hutch, I would get into my room and there was a huge half gallon Mason jar in my room next to my bed filled with Kool Aid. And I what? I go, what's that? And Hutch goes, kool Aid. Keep you hydrated. I was like, yeah, but under sugar. Doesn't matter. The water's in there. Kill it before you go to bed. It's Kool Aid. You'll kill it. And I was like, really? Hush. Would always go to bed with a jar of Kool Aid. A jar.

[Tom Segura]

We're figuring out your origin story.

[Bert Kreischer]

My origin story is probably hot.

[Tom Segura]

You got hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the people you're around that define you. Meaning, like, you know, it's like I was like a meathead, I think. And then when I gave up baseball, I leaned into a different group of men.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. I just realized another kind of your lineage is like, Kenny Powers. Like, you would have been a great Eastbound and down Danny McBride.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, when I saw Kenny Powers, I never identified more with another dude where I was like, when he's. With that very end, when he's riding his jet ski, I was like, dude,

[Tom Segura]

I. I was like, I've never put this together until he said baseball. I was like, you're not a category of one. There's actually. There's hutches. I mean, in the world, there's hutches. But even in comedy, kind of a Danny McBride like you could do.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that's why I love Gillis so much. Gillis, a really simple guy. Yeah, he is a very simple, like, fun. He is. He is really one of the funnest dudes.

[Tom Segura]

Think about that. Just go to Costa Rica. I mean, what, am I going to not go to Costa Rica like you? We. And this is going to sound stupid, but we are on my podcast where we make stupid points like this. We need that kind of energy. You know what I mean? Every once in a while, you need a Bert to be like, aren't there sharks? It's like, I want to see a fucking shark, guys. You know what I mean? Like, just like, blind ambition. I think it's one of the essential energies that. You know what I mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The mom that says, put the jacket. It's not always the mom, but the parent that says, put the jacket over your Halloween costume. Sometimes you need the dad that's also dressed up as 60s Batman. That's like, we're going out. I couldn't find my pants. We're still going. I think it's, like, primal. Like, that's how things get done is we need Gillis.

[Bert Kreischer]

We need.

[Tom Segura]

I get it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get it. Yeah. It's. I sometimes fantasize about. There's a part of me that's also very serious. I gotta remember, the first person I met in Stand up was Demetri Martin. Yeah. So then. And I never felt like. I never felt like I fit in, in Stand up because I was not one of. I was not an Ivy League kid school. I was not a, like, Georgetown. Everyone was that there in New York. And I wasn't a New Yorker. I wasn't from Jersey. I didn't grow. I grew up in Tampa, which was so far away from everything that I denied. I think I denied a little bit of who I naturally was. And then I would go home, or these guys would come to this, to the. To the Boston Comedy Club, and they would see me and they're like, why didn't you tell the story about taking action, going to Disneyland? Why didn't you tell the story? And I was like, that's not what we do here. We write jokes. And they're like, dude, remember the time you got beat up by the black guy? Tell that story. You had Us rolling. Why don't you tell that? And. And it's. And I. It took me so long to, like. You know what's funny is when I'm around my friends from college, I don't talk much.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They really. They'll tell stories about me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or. Or they'll tell stories about times we had.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I don't. I'm not the life of the party. I understand.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I feel the same way. Yeah, I feel the same way. I think this is why you may be question mark related to crashing is because.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. Oh. I. So many parts of you being the outsider and you kind of. I identified with that so much. Not just because I also had that exact same job.

[Tom Segura]

Nate. You.

[Bert Kreischer]

You. It's 100% why I identify with Nate.

[Tom Segura]

So the Florida guy, the Christian married guy, Nate being all the things. Nate is Southern, all that stuff. We were all there going, buddy, you pulled a thought right from my head. I'm not from Jersey. Like, if you're not from New York, you might as well be a Jersey guy. Be Rich Voss, Be all those guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Be Bill Beat, DC Benny from dc, where he knew all the. All the. All the black comics like, I was not.

[Tom Segura]

Or be a tell or. Or like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or be.

[Tom Segura]

If you're going to be something off menu, be Dimitri. Be Mitch Hedberg. Be Todd Berry. And then we're there going, like, what the. And look, I'm lumping myself into some nice company here. I'm just saying. Kumail, too. We were all going like, what the. Am I? And we all felt so weird. And then you're like, florida, Baseball, whatever. Like, Birdie Ness ended up being the ticket. You know what I'm saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's in. I deny you're not trying to be

[Tom Segura]

corny, but something that made you feel like an outsider was the way to figuring it all out.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so funny you say that because I tried to assimilate so much where I'd write jokes or I'd try to be like, I'm like, that guy. This is. You're gonna laugh when I say the name of the guy I thought I would be buddies with because he grew up in Florida. You're going to. You're going to say, I'm excited. I was literally like, dude, we should hang out. You know, you grew up in Florida. I grew up in Florida. And he was like, I. Yeah, I did. Todd Berry. Todd Berry. Not. I mean, love Todd, but we're such different men.

[Tom Segura]

I saw you and Todd having lunch. I'd be Kind of like. It would be like seeing Rambo having lunch with the Pope.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, he's so funny. Oh, I love Tom. He's so funny that I would watch him on stage and be like, I should find out more about that side of the world.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, man. Yeah, I don't think we're gonna be hanging out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe put your shirt on. I have an idea. Don't do that. I've never been 50% nude on stage, so it's gonna be a pass from old Todd.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. Do you remember when he would do crowd work?

[Tom Segura]

He did the whole crowd work tour.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

So before it was cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Before it was cool, it was that. That was the. Do you remember. Do you remember when Rich Voss. When Patrice would sit in the back and heckle Voss?

[Tom Segura]

I never saw that at the. Yeah, I remember when Todd Lynn would remember that. Back row at the Boston.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He just come in and, like, talking full volume.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know, I never knew Todd Lynn had a baby arm.

[Tom Segura]

Did you know that this comedian who is kind of famously mean to the young comics. Oh, so that's why he passed away. He has also passed.

[Bert Kreischer]

He had a stroke.

[Tom Segura]

He had a stroke and he was blind before he died. It was kind of a rough road. I don't know how to rip.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was a stuntman.

[Tom Segura]

He was a stunt man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he was. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'm gonna go with that. But he did have what people called a baby arm. He had one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't know that. I never knew that. Patrice told me that.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, that. And that's how Patrice would have said it. You got a baby arm. I'm saying the comedy scene that we came up in, the fact that Todd had one. I don't even know if you say deformed one. Mal. Adjusted army scene.

[Bert Kreischer]

We grew up.

[Tom Segura]

We grew up in that. Say, did Todd just slam his arm in a door for five minutes? Like that would be on television on. Tough crowd that just made. They couldn't wait to talk about the arm.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, it's connect. I don't think I ever have identified with it more than right now is how much of an outsider I was. When you say the fish out of water, like the. I. I really did not fit in at all with anyone there. And I was looking for a connection.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it was. And I think. I know it's part of the reason I moved to la. The second I moved to la, the weather was different. I didn't know how to dress in cold weather. We didn't ever had cold weather.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't have a jacket. We didn't have jackets in Florida. I'd never had a jacket. Like, I never had a jacket or coat. I never owned one. And then I moved to New York and I was so cold. I was so cold.

[Tom Segura]

Pete, nobody told you about jackets.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one. No one. And I didn't know where to get a jacket.

[Tom Segura]

You should be leaving a bayou on like a, like a waverunner and someone go, don't forget, I got something called jackets. I don't know what they are, but you're gonna want one. You just froze it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was so cold. I swear to God when I said this, my grandmother flew up. She was coming up and I was freezing and I went to dinner with her. She said, you don't have a jacket? And I said, no, I don't know. And she was like, okay, let's get you a jacket. And she drove to. I still have this jacket. I'm gonna take a picture of me in this jacket. I'm gonna send it to you tonight. I still have this jacket. And you're gonna go, I know that jacket. I went to Banana Republic and I got a 3/4 length leather jacket with the outside pocket there with the big collar.

[Tom Segura]

Ross.

[Bert Kreischer]

With the button, like three buttons here.

[Tom Segura]

Ross.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she got me a scarf. I didn't know how to wear a scarf. She taught me how to put on a scarf. And she got me a cashmere gray like skull cap or whatever they're called.

[Tom Segura]

This is very of the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she said, you should be warming that. And I put it on. I'm warm as. And. And then I had to buy. I didn't have closed toed shoes. I wore flip flops.

[Tom Segura]

See, this is why you're fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had clogs. But like you're fun.

[Tom Segura]

You're slogging to the Boston in flippies and a sleeveless shirt because the sun's out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you're freezing your ass off. But that is comedy. We all relate to that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm sorry to keep working the show in, but I just watched it so it's fresh on my mind. That's why you going like, I want my daughters to fit in here. You haven't lost your outsider energy, which is really nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I tried to be an inside. Like, I know this is going to get way in the weeds, but like when everyone started making money, I didn't know that like how to. I didn't know how to spend it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like I didn't know what to do. Right. And. And I remember, like, I remember people buying car. I remember I was. People were buying cars, I needed a new car, and I'm not like, a car guy, so I didn't know what to get. And I remember, like, people going, like, have you looked at Porsche? And I was like, I feel like it would be uncomfortable for me. And you guys were bigger guys.

[Tom Segura]

No, I know. Although, like, Jordan and all those guys drove Porsche.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. I think they had them specially fitted.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Special one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The 23 Porsche.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I was like. And I was like. I was like, I want a truck, I guess. Yeah. And I remember talking to Burr about it, and I was. Because I was really confused. It was right when I started making money. And I was like, what kind of car. Guy, what kind of car am I? Like, what? Because I looked at a car as like, you're a Jeep. Well, do you know what we said? I was talking. This is a long time ago. This is probably 2020 or 21. Yeah. Is when I had a little bit of money and I could buy whatever car I wanted.

[Tom Segura]

I think your fancy car is Maserati.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Oh, I'm not a fancy car guy,

[Tom Segura]

but have you got one?

[Bert Kreischer]

My wife got me a Mercedes. Ben's like, a nice one. Just. We have a car broker. So just texting pictures back and forth. I was. I was in Atlanta at the time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. Or in Macon. And so we just texted pictures when we got that one. I never even saw it until I showed up. Our house.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Finish the story. Sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

You.

[Tom Segura]

You. You and Bert talked about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

A 1982 Grand Wagoneer.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's who I am.

[Tom Segura]

That is who you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is who I am.

[Tom Segura]

That is who you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

It. It really is, like, out of exactly who you are. We saw the. The neighbor. I can say that because. No, you don't live here anymore. But the neighbor had a badass Ford F150. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

On the right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Or on the left. Yeah. Beautiful, beautiful truck. And I was like. I was like, that fits that person.

[Tom Segura]

That's you.

[Bert Kreischer]

That person is.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I was like, I couldn't find the car. That was me. And I didn't know if I like. Because I didn't know what cars. I liked it. I'm not a Bentley guy. I'm more like an old and Leanne's like, you're a sedan guy. You're a sedan. You're not a sports car. You're a sedan.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're a sensible sedan. And I was like, well, do I get like, like the, the special package. And she goes, no, no, no, no. You are just a regular sedan.

[Tom Segura]

What are you as a meal, though? What's a bird crusher meal? I don't mean the meal you would eat. I mean the meal that you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, Leanne says I'm a turducken, that I look good on paper, but I'm very complicated and a lot to deal with.

[Tom Segura]

You're just. You're welcome on the podcast anytime. I just don't know how to say it. I just don't know what to say.

[Bert Kreischer]

I called her a piece of salmon because I know that I didn't realize it was an insult. I like salmon.

[Tom Segura]

No slamming salmon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I said, I said, I said Leanne's like salmon. Like, yeah, she can be dry sometimes and overcooked, but when done well, she's amazing. Wow.

[Tom Segura]

And I like, in the show, when you go, why are you hot?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I said it Delaney the other day. Why do you look hot?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, why do you look.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, that was an improv in the pilot we did because Arden looked beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

Straight to series.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, we had to shoot a pilot.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you haven't proven yourself at Netflix.

[Bert Kreischer]

No shit.

[Tom Segura]

I'm mad for you. I was like, if anything. Straight to series.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, we, we had. Well, because I pitched it kind of fucked up.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went in and I said. And they were like, what do you want to. What would you like to do? And I said, I want to make a show about me. Nothing. I don't want to change anything. Daughter's names, wife's names, live in la. I'm a stand up comedian. I know Joe Rogan, I know Tom Segura. If anyone comes in, they would play themselves. All of it. All of it. And I don't want to make it like Slow Horses or Black Doves and

[Tom Segura]

they're like, like dead serious.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't want it to be sketchy, I don't want it to be slappy. And I want it to be a six episode arc so that by the end of that, I want it to have, like some heart and some seriousness and like, you're. But it's silly and fun, funny, but like, I go, by the end of that first episode, you're hooked at the end of Slow Horses. Slowers is the first show I watched as a. On a streaming service that, that got me. I mean, I've seen some stuff, you know, like, I've seen some stuff. But Leanne sat down and goes, we should watch Slow Horses. I know nothing about this series. I know Gary Oldman's in it. That's all I know. And we sit down and we start it, and I want to say it's like, probably 28 minutes, 32 minutes, and I'm in it, and I'm like, okay, I'm following it. And then at the very last two minutes, I am hooked. And I looked at Leanne. I go, we're watching all of this tonight. And she went, I knew you'd like this. And then she played Black Doves for me, and I was like, I know Keira Knightley. I like Keira Knightley. I'm watching Black Doves. And I'm like. I don't know if I'm like. It seems like there's a lot of stuff in this. And then at the last two minutes, I'm like, I'm hooked. So when I went to Netflix, I said, I want it to be Black doves meat.

[Tom Segura]

You wanted to make a pot boiler.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wanted to.

[Tom Segura]

I wanted something where you're like, I want. It's gonna happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want. I want. At the very last. The very.

[Tom Segura]

How do you do that with your life?

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly. So I said. I said at that first. End of first episode, the last words out of my mouth, all I need the viewer to do is go, I gotta see how he gets out of this.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So the very last words are bleep them. Because I want people to hear them, but are. I'm doing stand up on the phone. And I go, yeah, yeah. And then as a viewer, you're like, he just said that in a principal's office.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What happens next? And then the next joke is a joke about Rogan.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And so I was like. So then I think they'll be like, whoa, this guy's screwed. How does he get out of this? The parents hate him. That this hates him. His daughter screwed. His daughter's getting kicked off campus.

[Tom Segura]

I see what you're saying. Like, if I were pitching that with you, and you were like, we're gonna say it's like slow horse, I would be like, no, we would say each. It's a comedy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, it's a.

[Tom Segura]

It's a comedy. It's a family comedy. But we want there to be like, what the fuck? Moments that keep you watching.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I probably mispitched it because Andy Wheel came up to me at the premiere, and he goes, you know, don't forget, when you pitch this, you pitch slow horses.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, yeah, I think I might have pitched that wrong. And he Goes, no, you've accomplished what you wanted. Because at the end of that first episode we were watching in the theater, and everyone's like, are they playing another episode? Yeah. And he was like, dude, it's bingeable. Yeah. So he's like. But he's like, I remember you wanted

[Tom Segura]

to make a bingeable show.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wanted it to be. I didn't want to make episodic. I should have just said, I would not like cereal. I want to make a cereal. But I said, slow horses means never change.

[Tom Segura]

What are you nuts?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nobody's mad.

[Tom Segura]

And they still made it. I hope anybody talking to you would be like, look, if you were slick and good at pitching, how sad would that be? Not very. What's his name? Hutch. Not very Hutch. Oh, just go in and be Burt.

[Julia Louis Dreyfus]

Do you ever find yourself scrolling through headlines, especially health headlines, and just thinking, that can't be true? Well, I certainly do. 2025 brought us some ridiculous, far fetched health claims and some especially terrifying changes in public health. What's in store for us in 2026? I'm Chelsea Clinton, and we're back with season two of my podcast, that Can't Be True. Follow along and catch up on season one, wherever you get your podcasts.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, can I ask? Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Tom Segura]

Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to tell you a great Hutch pitch one time. Tell me a Hutch pitch. I come back from New York and. And I'm not doing well in New York. I. Before I even worked the door, I'm friends with Dimitri, kind of. He's. He. I mean, that guy took off from the second he got on stage. Everyone wanted to meet him. I mean, and like Jeanine Garofalo, I remember they had this. All the comics invested in a restaurant in Times Square above Caroline's. There was a comedy restaurant. And like Dennis Leary and he got invited to that, and he was just still an open micr. And I was like. And I just was working at Barnes and Noble. I wasn't getting anywhere. I was doing. Everything was fucked up.

[Tom Segura]

And I see, that's funny. Intercut between Barnes and Noble and this, like, I've never even heard of this comedy restaurant where Dennis Leary and Janine Garofalo. I like to think they're serving, but they're not. Yes, it's a lead, but we're cutting in between the two.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I remember being outside and Demetrius, sweet as he is, was like, I think I'm gonna head in. And I was like, cool. What's the deal. And he was like, well, it's kind of like invite only. And I'm like, how did you get invited? And he was like, well, I met Janine, and she put me on the list. And I was like, cool. And he, like, went in, and I was like, I guess I'm gonna head back home. And. But it was like he got. And I'm. And I have all this energy of, like, really not fitting in. I mean. I mean, like, being this, like, frat boy, state school kind of beer drinking. Like, I'd go to collective unconscious with, like, two 40s, and I drink waiting to get on stage. I didn't know what to do. And I'd go to surf reality. And when they made. When they were like. And the example of a idiot, they'd point to me and I'd be like, ah. And I'd laugh because I didn't. I was like, I want to be friends with everybody. And. And. And so I go back to Tallahassee for a football game. And I go back to our old apartment, me, Hutch, Blair, Keith, Jimmy, where we all lived. And I'm sitting underneath the stair, like, the stairwell. They were all, like, raised up off the ground, so the stairs going up are wooden stairs. And I'm underneath just. We're kind of bullshitting with a friend. And Hutch comes and just kind of. He had. Just kind of cocks over, says, what's up, B? Man? And I go, I said, I don't know, man. This fucking. This comedy thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be. And he's like, dude, you killed it. Like, he had come up. You killed it. You're the funniest guy I fucking know. And I was like, I know, but they're not like us. He's like, it doesn't matter. What are you talking about? And he goes, let me tell you a story, okay?

[Tom Segura]

By the way, he's your Han Solo. You realize that? Hutch Solo, Yeah, maybe he was the one that was like, it's fine. Yeah, he'll get a lightsaber.

[Bert Kreischer]

He goes, it's about visualization. Let me tell you a story. He goes, there's a guy, he knew a shortcut. The shortcut was to a cemetery. So he's walking through the cemetery and he falls into a hole. He's like six feet deep. And he jumps up, and he jumps up and he jumps up. And all of a sudden he sits down and this. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. And the voice says, you're gonna give Up. And the guy jumped. He was so scared, he jumped out of that hole. And I go, what's that have to do with my path? And he goes, you can't quit. And he goes, all you have to do is visualize something you want. Name one thing you want and tell me right now, Bert, you will not quit until you achieve that goal. Name one thing, anything in the world that you want, and you won't quit until you achieve that goal. I said, hutch, I'd like to get high. And he goes, you promise you'll do everything you can do to get high until you get high? I said, I promise. And he goes, you say that out loud to the universe, and it'll happen. I go, I promise that I will do everything I can to get high today. I want to get high. And Hutch pulls a joint out of his pocket. He goes, look at how the universe works. I walked away, and I'm sitting with Blair. And Blair goes, he told that same speech at a fucking conference. They paid him to tell that speech about the guy. He goes, I think he's fucking up the graveyard story, but it seems to work.

[Tom Segura]

It isn't. It's a good story because the guy was so scared, he jumped out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he jumped out so he could

[Tom Segura]

jump out, but he needed to get scared.

[Bert Kreischer]

He needed something to.

[Tom Segura]

Needed to want it more than anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, I get it. I'm gonna get a call from Hutch, who's gonna be like, you're gonna. I wish I didn't use my name, buddy. I'm a businessman. Like, that's the worst part is, like, you talk. I tell stories about people that are like, I told a story about a dude. I told a story about a dude on a podcast who I was like. I think with Bobby Lee, who's the guy who's like, take his dick out everywhere and da, da, da, da. And I told his name. It's a very distinct name. Yeah, he's a hedge fund manager in Miami now. And he reached out, and he's like, hey, man, I appreciate you. If you didn't use my name. I was like, I won't ever say it again.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's such a.

[Tom Segura]

It's a great name. The names make it better. Are we bleeping that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Bleep it, please.

[Tom Segura]

I can't believe we're bleeping that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, it's such a great name. How do you ever forget it?

[Tom Segura]

Well, what's funny about your show is that I. I really feel like I'm your Publicist. I keep working on the show, but again, I just watched it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I really appreciate it.

[Tom Segura]

And I have bit. It's great. I have bits about. Like, I had a special where I told a story about a little boy named Dean. They're. They're talking about 12 little monkeys or whatever. They're singing a song, and they fall in the water. And it. The song kind of implies. Implies that they're dead. And each kid. One of the kids goes, what happened to the monkeys? Like, you want some clarity? Somebody's like, they fell asleep or they swam away. And then Dean went, what did he say? I'm gonna up my own story. But he said, blood in the water. He goes, they're dead. Blood in the water. It's the funniest thing ever. So I tell the story, and then, you know, I know Dean's parents, they were fine with it, but I was like, oh, I'm in a new zone, and I have new stories that I tell. Not nothing, mean nothing, like horrible. But I want to mention I tell the story now when I do it live, I go, I'm gonna tell you the person's real name because it makes it better.

[Bert Kreischer]

It does. Why does it make it better?

[Tom Segura]

It always makes it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why does it make it better?

[Tom Segura]

Then I go, when I film it, I'm gonna have to change it or whatever. But it's. You're in that zone. That's kind of what the show is about.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is.

[Tom Segura]

You want to talk about your life

[Bert Kreischer]

the first time it happened? We go to 3rd Street School. I'm gonna say all the names because it doesn't matter. We go to 3rd Street School, and we're doing the orientation, and I meet this woman, and Leanne's talking to her, and I said, so do you have a. It was first grade. I said, you have a first grader? And she goes, yeah, his name's John Henry. And what's interesting is that's what I've named my dick. In seventh grade, me, Thompson Rankins, and Truitt Gardner went to the shower. I was afraid to shower naked because I was nervous. And they said, hey, man, if you're nervous, they were eighth graders. They go, wear your boxers. You know, we don't care if you're naked. We do need a shower because we just played football. And they go, but you should know that you're comfortable. Wear boxers, man. We don't care. They're very sweet guys. So I went in my boxers, and they were naked. I remember Thompson had a pretty big dick. And I just Saw his name on something the other day. It's so funny. Oh, it was for Gasparilla. And so the.

[Tom Segura]

40 under 40.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, probably inches.

[Tom Segura]

40 over 40.

[Bert Kreischer]

40 over 40. And then I said, how come you guys are comfortable being naked? And I think Truett said, we named our dicks. You should name your dick. And I said, okay, this sounds like a street joke.

[Tom Segura]

If you feel nervous in the shower, just name your dick. And the punchline is like. And that's why I didn't name it Lincoln. I named it drink it or something. There's something coming.

[Bert Kreischer]

I named it John Henry because he's a steel driving man. After the thing. Yeah. Wow. I named it that. I've called it John Henry ever since. Leanne calls him little guy, but I name him John Henry. And so I meet this kid named John Henry. And I said. And I. And I do a joke, you know, so funny. I have a good friend named John Henry. She goes, really? And I said, yeah, we fight at times, but, you know, it always turns out great. But I go, really close. We used to live really close. I forget the joke, but it's like he's. He's got two roommates. They live next door to an. I forget the whole joke. And then. And then the woman, I put her on a special. And then the woman reached out as the first time she, like, messaged me in Leanne on a text with a clip of it from my special. She goes, I'm assuming this is my son you're talking about. And I was like, it was a real kid. And I was like. And I was like, I'm so sorry. She goes, no, no, no. I showed it to John Henry.

[Tom Segura]

Still using the full.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I said, it's John. She'll hear this. She's a lawyer here in la. She's a very successful lawyer. And she goes, very funny, you know? And then I was like. I was. The first time I realized, oh, I'm an. And then I did. All my specials were simply stories about what happened at our high school. At our school, all of it was in. And then I'd use everyone's real name. Darren Turbo. Jeanne Schwartz. I would use everyone's real name. And then they'd come. I called this woman, Lynn Grusen, a cunt. And then. And. And then I said, just so you know, to make it up to you, I bought Lynn Grusen as a cunt dot com, in case you want to make shirts. Like, you know, because it's all my special. And, I mean, I used everyone's real name. I used their children's real names. Like I used everyone's real names. Yeah, I had no rec. I had no idea that it would come back to bite me in the ass. And then now it's come back. Like now it's like I get, like, I get nervous anytime I say anyone's name. Because when we started doing these podcasts, no one listened.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then now it's like we're victims

[Tom Segura]

of the success of the genre.

[Bert Kreischer]

I told a story, and I'm saying this to clarify. I hope someone sends this to him because it would make. It would make me feel better. I told a story on Club Shay Shay and about Jelly Rolls Roast and then getting into an interaction with Kid Rock and Cole Hauser. And my recollection was a one way and it was that they kind of heckled and I kind of lit them up and I didn't know if they were happy about it. And then they came backstage and it looked like they wanted to fight me. So I had these two football players with me and they kind of got my face a little bit. But then it was cool. Kid Rock and Cole Hauser. But I have to say this. I have to say this. I get a text from the day it comes out, I get a text from Cole Hauser, who, by the way, was very cool. After we had a weird interaction that moment they walked into the green room. But then after that, I hung out with him and I left that out of the story. I left out that we were totally cool, by the way. He was nice as shit. He took pictures with Leanne. We all took pictures together. I left all that out of the story.

[Tom Segura]

Only an hour special, guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I just leave it out, the story. I just tell the interesting part. Then I'll just.

[Tom Segura]

If it's okay with you guys at the entertainment show, I'll only tell the entertaining parts.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then Cole texted me the next morning. He was like, I didn't forgot he text. He was like. He was like, it's funny. And he sent a picture of us. It's funny. In the last picture we have, the last communication is a picture of me and you having a great time. Yeah. Doesn't look. And he was really upset. He was misrepresented. Yeah, he was entirely misrepresented. And I misrepresented him. Yeah. And I wrote back and I said we had all been drinking and. And my recollection of when you guys came back, that you guys came back hot. That's the truth. I apologize. That I misrepresented you. I've been misrepresented, and that would drive me nuts. And I. And I owe you an apology. I should have cleared it up and said, they did come back hot. But then he was cool, and it was. And I didn't say any of that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then Cole Hauser just wrote, oh, thanks, man.

[Tom Segura]

Fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was so cool. And then we started texting and. And he gave me a great quote from his mom is like. Like, life's too short when none of us get out of here alive. Don't sweat it. Or something. Like this quote that he had up that his mom. He's like, she was a great lady. And we texted, and I was like, man, I wish I could be, you know, like. But, you know, you tell a podcast. You're like, no, no.

[Tom Segura]

I know I'd love your advice. The story that I tell is of somebody teasing my daughter at school. Oh. And then I give her the. I give her a joke to say to the kid, and it's a really funny story.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a joke. I think. I think I've heard this. It's by the way, Dean of Georgia. Georgia. Georgia's. You were her sweet zone for standup.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. She would send me this all the time. Do you know this guy? I go, I think you've met him, Georgia.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I'd love your. So my daughter was getting teased by a kid. I even say in the story, that good kid, sweet kid. He just had a bad week. These are, like kindergarteners. They're not real bullies. But he said to my daughter, why do you have the same snack every day? And this really hurt my daughter's feelings. I say in the joke, I go, I know that's not that mean to us, but in kindergarten, that's a pretty sick burn. And everyone laughed at her. I'd have the same snack every day. So the story is about how I react differently than my wife. My wife was very cool and was like, well, you should just say it's my favorite. And she's even. And I say, I go from zero to Will Smith at the Oscars. I just immediately got so mad. It's really a phenomenon. As a parent, I could. Couldn't believe how I guess you. This is appropriate how triggered. I was like, trauma response. Someone teased you. Someone got a laugh on you. And it came out. I just said, you should say, why do you have the same haircut every day? I just said it, and that's not that bad. But my wife is like, Kids got a bowl cut. She was like. She goes, you know, this isn't pretend parenting. That's part of the story. This is real. And my daughter. And I go, you know, I was like, don't worry. She's not going to say. But then she. Of course she says it's. And I had to apologize to Leila. I was like, we shouldn't have done that. But as soon as we were alone and this is real, I went, did I get a laugh? Like, I wanted to know if it worked. And she goes, daddy, yes. And I'm like, all right. Like, I was really happy. So that's the story in, like, 30 seconds. Do you use that kid's real name?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I do.

[Tom Segura]

You do?

[Bert Kreischer]

I do. I'll tell you why. I'm going to get a phone call at some point about a child without a scrotum.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, that's real?

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't get into the details. I don't want to deal with it.

[Tom Segura]

The details?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's.

[Tom Segura]

You're gonna tell me that. I was like, oh, this is funny. They're doing some. Make them ups. A kid was born without a scrotum.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it's in the show.

[Bert Kreischer]

I casually dropped it. I mean, listen, I'm never gonna say a name if I don't want anyone to think it's. By the way, if you don't have a scrotum, it's not you. Okay. Unless, you know, it's you. But, like, what was happening is we had. There were moments, as a parent, as I'm sure you know, where. And I don't mean to make light of it, but it is interesting is, like, you talk about your kids, what's going on with your kid. You know, Isla was crazy dyslexic, wildly dyslexic. And it was a struggle. It was tough. They wanted to hold her back. Holding your kid back. I mean, developmentally, you know, all that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then Dad's like, not that bad one. Dad said casually, my son was born without an. And I went, huh? And you're like. He's like, yeah, I have to put a rod in there every night to keep it open. And then I was. I was casually saying this. Casually.

[Tom Segura]

I can't stress that enough. This guy wanted to tell somebody that he needed to tell.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, he needed to open up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he needed to open up.

[Bert Kreischer]

He needed to open up.

[Tom Segura]

And so don't say open up. Don't say open up.

[Bert Kreischer]

For him, it was a. It was the.

[Tom Segura]

He was releasing a bird. It was opening Up a pathway. It was letting things out.

[Bert Kreischer]

He needed to dump it out.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I sat there like, oh, my God, like, you know, you're the worst

[Tom Segura]

person to tell the worst.

[Bert Kreischer]

I literally was like. I literally was like, I'm texting Leanne. You're never gonna believe the conversation I'm having. Like. And so he tells me that, and I'm like, wow. So casually, I'm saying that to our writers, and then it comes up. There's someone that. Some kid that was born without a scrotum, and immediately they lit up, and they're like, wait, no way. And I went, yeah, dude, when you're a parent, a lot of it, like, everyone's got. Everyone's got their uphill, and some people's uphill is worse than other people's uphill. Yeah, everyone's uphills and uphill. But, like, I started going like, this actually is not that bad. And. And then they're like, we got to put that in the show. That's so great, because. And I was like, well, you know, it's a real person. You know, it's like, I'm gonna definitely get a text. Or maybe not. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe they don't see it. Maybe they see it. Maybe they see it and they go, you know, I. You know, walk away. Yeah. Or maybe they're like, I don't need to. Their kid has a scrotum now they build them one.

[Tom Segura]

And so they went to build a balls.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did a. You could pick a Lakers jersey and put it on there, dude. I used to have the great bell to greatest build a bear bit. Oh, build a bit. Anyway, but, yeah, I'm just always waiting for that phone call, bro.

[Tom Segura]

Even as I'm riffing on it, I'm like, once you're a parent, you're kind of like, you could be the kid with no balls.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, I mean, the worst. I mean, the premise of this show is based off of me telling everyone about Isla getting her period for the first time. I go, I mean, you only. This is the bond that we will always have. Because when you say to your daughter, did it get a laugh? Only me. And you know what it's like to go do Conan. Conan comes backstage and he says, other dads that are comics, meaning, like, comic dads and comics understand this energy. Conan comes backstage and he says, hey, I'm so excited to have you on. You're on the road this week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. How are the girls? The girls love Conan because he introduced them to Orlando Bloom at A Comic Con. They were trying to get in the elevator. Conan's in there with Orlando Bloom. He holds the door and he goes, ladies, come on in. And the girls are like, he's the fucking man, right? Wow. So. So he kind of says, how are the girls? And I said, oh, pretty good. I said, isla got her period last Friday. And he was like, really? How's that, like? And I was like. I was fucking weird. I was like, she had a period party. And he was, what's a period party? I was like, well, you know, we got a red velvet cake. He goes, what? I said, yeah, you get a red velvet cake. Everyone wears red. Everything's red. You have pasta with marinara sauce, Kool Aid, and we had red wine. No, this is real. Very real. And then we. Yeah, at your period. Red Kool Aid. And everyone. Oh, yeah, It's a big period party. And it was me and nine girls and then two boys. He goes, two boys. I go, well, they don't tell the boys why they're there. So the jokes and the whole time, the jokes on them. He's like, hold on, hold on. He goes, are you being serious? I go, oh, yeah. She named her period, too. And then we wrote that on the cake. Jason. She named her period Jason. He goes, why? I go, she got it last Friday. Friday the 13th. And he was like, hold on. And not only me and you could understand this other comic dads. He goes, can we talk about this on the show now? You know, the energy of doing a pre interview. And you're like, I don't know if I have anything good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I was talking to the host, and

[Bert Kreischer]

he's like, can we talk about this in the show? And I go, absolutely. And he goes, really? I go, fuck, yeah, dude. Cause it's funny. He's laughing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we go out, and he's got great energy. He's like, so hold on, hold on. You know, so tell me how you lit him up. Yeah, and it's great energy. I do it. Team Coco, posted on Facebook, gets 20 million views first week. 20 million. Isla watches it with Leanne, hits play. They're sitting on the couch. I had just taken off to fly out on the road. Isla hits it, and he goes, how are the girls? And she goes, you're like, O.J.

[Tom Segura]

flying to Chicago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, not there for the whole mess.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just woke up. What's going on? I'll be on the first flight back. She's dead. She was murdered. I mean, dead. She's dead. She. Her Head was. I mean, how did they kill her? Oh, weren't in town. And so IO's watching it with Leanne. And she hits pause and it goes, how are the girls? And I go, great. Isla just got her period. She hits pause and mind you, she's like 12, 13. And she goes, do a lot of people watch this show? And Leanne goes, yeah. She goes, hold on. She. What does he say? She goes, well, maybe you should watch it. But I'll say it's. It's like, it's made. It's fun. Because Isla, no one really throws period parties.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, it's like, it's kind of odd when you wanted to do this. We had never heard of it. And she was like, hold on. So they play it. She was like, they're laughing, but like, am I a weirdo? And Leanne's like, no, you're not. But you gotta understand that, like, our generation didn't do that. And this is something you're doing. And Conan's celebrating you. Like, he thinks it's cool and funny, but funny because.

[Tom Segura]

So shame based.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And she was like. She was like, I don't know if I'm comfortable with this. She goes, well, people at my school see this. And leanne's like, oh, 100%. So Isla goes to school the next day and is like. And is like, you know, one kid brings it up or. And Because. And then it starts going viral. And then. And then email. And Isla was not in love with it. And then emails started coming in from little girls and to my website and from their parents, obviously, but they're like, hey, this is Kira. I want to thank you for sharing. Thank your daughter for letting you share that story. I got my period Monday, and my parents showed me this Tuesday. And I was really freaked out and I was scared and I wasn't ready to grow up. And we threw a period party. And thank you, Isla. And I mean, I get emotional thinking about it because I go, first of all, I thought I was in a lot of trouble. And then Isla, well, this is the best. Isla starts printing them out and she's like, this is like, good, right? And Leanne's like, baby, it's crazy. I mean, 20 million people saw. You can only imagine how many emails we got. And then people were like. And it was making us laugh because, like, little girls were like, I name. We'd either would write back, what did you name your period? Wow. And then they write back to Isla, Doug. And they're like, doug. She's like, I Don't know. I had an uncle named Doug, and so. And so Isla got real, and then Nikki Glaser reached out. Like, everyone started reaching out. Like, that's so cool.

[Tom Segura]

She get her period?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nikki? Not yet. She's still waiting. I think she's gonna do on the Golden Globes next year. But. But it was. And so. And it. So. So it turned good, right? Yeah. So then the whole premise of this thing is me going on a podcast and just doing what I do is like, I overshare. I tell too much. I don't. You know, And I'm doing it now. I'm doing it today. I do it all the time. I can't help it. Yeah, but it's. And.

[Tom Segura]

But that goes back to your, like, Costa Rica. There's sharks in there. There's a fearless. There's a guileless meaning. There's nothing mean about it. There's like, something lovable and warm about it. And you're the first guy that jumps off a cliff, and it kind of works. And it's. Again, it's. Again, not to be. So you made it weird about it, but there's something really essential about it. You're. You're a bumbling. Please don't misunderstand.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't.

[Tom Segura]

In my family, we call I'm the goon. I'm the big dumb animal. Believe it or not, I'm the hutch in my family. So it's. It's, again, why I relate. But, like, then Val will also give me respect and be like, I'm the big dumb animal. That's like telling her she should do her short film or helping Leela literally jump off a cliff. Like a rock. A big rock. You know what I mean? Like, there's something useful when the goon is the right tool. It can really break down some really difficult walls. The

[Bert Kreischer]

paralyzation by overanalyzation.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is something I don't suffer from.

[Tom Segura]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I definitely think just do it and then deal with the consequences.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think my. They don't call me the goon. They call me baby walrus.

[Tom Segura]

Baby walrus.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I have a lot of excitement, a lot of energy. There's a lot of me there. But I don't have a lot of

[Tom Segura]

insight because my animal is a hippopotamus. Similar. It's just like these.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm.

[Tom Segura]

I kind of look like I'm just lazing around all day, and then I'll, like, kill a tourist. Like, what was that? Yeah, he's got. He's got A little drive or whatever. It might be Walrus and the Hippo.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that I. I think that there's a really great comic. Sean Patton. Yeah, he's brilliant. And. And one time we were in. I love this story because it is. I think it's the way I live my life, especially as a comic. I don't overthink things, I think. You know, like, I remember getting ready to do the movie, and they called me, and they're like, are you ready for this? And I was like, I don't. I guess. And they're like, well, you're gonna be in, like, 90%, 98% of the scenes. I was like, so? And they're like, what's a lot of acting? And I was like. In my head, I was like, I'll figure it out. Yeah. Like, I don't need to. Like, what am I gonna go to start doing acting classes?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I got a week to get to Serbia. Like, right? I was like, but, yeah, like, doing the TV show, I go, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

They also just mean pacing yourself, too, right? I mean, if you're in every scene.

[Bert Kreischer]

I drank every fucking night. I turned it in the greatest time of my life. But I think I didn't worry myself about, like, can I act? Or any of that stuff. I just was like, let's just jump in feet first. And. And I was with Sean Patton, and we were. I just discovered. I showed him Instagram stories, and we were in Utah. We were snowboarding, and it was a big group of us, Mark Normand and. And yay, comedy queen. And I showed Sean Patton stories, and I said. And I showed him my side of stories. I go, yeah, I get, like, 200,000 views on them. They're really good. And I go, what's even more incredible is you can sell tickets on them. And I said, and you can see how many people touch the link to buy tickets. So you really quantify. Like, I've always been in the business side of the business a little bit. It fascinates me at least, to quantify things. Sure. And. And Sean Patton made a cup of tea. And as he made the cup of tea, he was trying to do a story. And Sean Patton did, like, seven attempts at making a story for this cup of tea. And he was in the kitchen, and I was on the couch, and I watched him. He's like, ah, we're in Utah. Hey, New Orleans, I'm coming home. No, that's not fucking stupid. All right. Oh, Utah. And he's doing it, and I'M on the couch recording him filming a story about making a cup of tea. I get seven different shots of Sean Patton, Utah, and. And I posted them, and they got 300,000 views, all of them. And the replies are like, this is hysterical. I can't find the video. He never posted it. And I got. And I was like, here he is wanting to make the perfect video when the thing is, just make it and put it out.

[Tom Segura]

Just jump out of the grave.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just look at. You know, I remember someone's like. Someone said to me one time, it was Sebastian. And I was. And I was. I had. Maybe it was maybe Secret time was getting ready to come out, and I was in the hallway of the store, and I was thinking. I was thinking in my head, I was like, I'm gonna ask comics the best way to watch a special as a. So that the people on Instagram can watch my special with the advice of the best comics in the world. So I get Burr, I get Sebastian, I get everyone and anyone that's there. Anyone that's there. I'm just like, yo, I have my camera. It's just my phone. I was like, what's the best way to enjoy a special? Do you do it yourself? Is there other people's. Bunch of questions. And by the end of the thing, I got, like, the greatest comics in the world are coming through the store that is back. You know, Rogan and Lou, everyone that's there. And Sebastian goes. I'd get Sebastian. And he's like this the whole time. And he goes, why are you doing this? And I said, I'm getting. Because I'm gonna post these, and I'm gonna post them on my Instagram, and then people will see their favorite comics. And I've got all the best comics in the world, and the one thing they're gonna see other comics underneath is my special that's on Netflix Secretime. And so that'll. So you're gonna see your favorite comic. More importantly, my specials there. And. And then people drive people in my special. And he was like, I mean this with respect. I'm friends with Sebastian. He goes, I would never. Aren't you embarrassed? And I went. And I go, no. He goes, I would never do that. And he goes, what if. What if no one watches it? And I go, I don't give a. No one watches it. Then I'm definitely not embarrassed, because it doesn't matter. No one saw it. But I go, if people see it, then that's great. And he goes, he was so confused by it. Yeah. And I remember thinking. I remember. And I've had this relationship with Sebastian for a while that if he ever did anything really crazy, like, he would do this thing about his wife leaving. His wife would do this thing of misrecording him, promoting a date. And it was so fucking funny. And I would text him and go, do more of that. I love that. And he'd be like, really? She kind of fucked it up. And I was like, that's what makes it hysterical. But, like, I would. I would. I never thought about the stuff I posted about, like, it not doing well, because I was like, if it doesn't do well, that means no one saw it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's like going like, what if I get naked in the woods?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, well, if there's. What if a woman sees me? Well, then it's you and a woman in the. Naked in the woods. You guys are probably going to fuck. And if no one sees you, you're just naked in the woods by yourself. So get naked in the woods. Like, I literally never. I've never overthought it. And whenever I've done poorly in this business, it's me overthinking is entirely me going, going, like, trying to get ahead of the curve and go, this is what they're thinking.

[Tom Segura]

No, but you want to just be in the flow and doing what comes natural.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's the hotchism, you know, I really. I really hope this gets to Hutch in a good way, because there is so much to learn from people that they don't need much meaning. And Hutch has a lot. I mean, he's got everything he needs, but he doesn't. Like, there's no part of him that wants to be famous. There's no part of him that wants. I don't think he has an Instagram. I don't. I'm certain he doesn't have a Facebook. He just wants his kids to kill it. He just wants to be with his wife. If he can smoke a joint, great. If he can have a nice IPA would be fucking great. Some steaks on the grill. Yeah, Florida State's playing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he is good.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you said to him, just heads up, you're gonna have to drive a 1989 4Runner for the best rest of your life. You go, you mean the best car they ever made? Like, he had a 4Runner that was badass. We took that thing everywhere with a counterculture sticker on the back. Like, there's something to be said for that. As opposed to us. Now, listen, a Lot of people, I think, identify with us with having dreams and wanting to pursue your dreams, but it is. Life becomes very complicated when your dreams and your life are tethered.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And become your job.

[Bert Kreischer]

And become your job, and you get lost in it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you hang out with your old school friends, and they're like, yeah, I don't really give a fuck about ticket counts. Like, how the girls. And you're like, I don't know what I got.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. You know, we're back to Brian Regan in the big house, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, and then sometimes you're grounded as fuck when I go in there to take a piss and I see those two stools that I haven't seen in our house.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

12 years. Yeah. And you go, oh, there was a. Life's life doesn't have to be this complicated.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, I know. That's a thing we talk about a lot on this pod. I don't mind. Well, you mentioned Bobby Lee when I just did his podcast, and he was talking about, like, how he wants to buy a farm and just meditate and read books. And I was like, bobby, that's never gonna happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never. That's the easiest way for him to relapse. If Bobby Lee's had a farm, I mean, there's no part of him.

[Tom Segura]

But I just want to, like, you need to have that farm inside before

[Bert Kreischer]

you go to the farm outside there needs you. I mean, so true. You have to.

[Tom Segura]

You can't. You have to change how you inter. Like, Hutch maybe is living his version of a farm, but if we want to get off of the cocaine of show business, of all this affirmation, all this specialness, all these tickets, all this shows, other premieres, all this stuff, like, we got to wean off of that. We can't be. We can't jump to the farm is what I'm saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

In college, I gotta. I gotta give him even more credit. I've been doing this since I was 26. Hutch Every year, grows, writes goals for his life. But his goals, he would. In college, he would write goals for his life, and they were always like, take my son surfing. He didn't have kids at the time. Like, take my son surfing. And you were like. And he's done that a ton now, but, like, nailed it.

[Tom Segura]

Hutched

[Bert Kreischer]

put that on the A list. I mean, his. I remember him saying to me, like. I mean, Justin, like, really visualizing what you want, getting what you want. And he was like. I was like, dude, one day, me and Ange, we're gonna have an Airbnb in Costa Rica and just surf every day, eat great food and live in Costa Rica. I would not be shocked if. If in the next five years, if he did it.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I mean. We need to be in Costa Rica, in here first. And. And you can smell that on a person. You need to. And by the way, Bobby, I love you. I hope you get your farm. I'm just saying, we all.

[Bert Kreischer]

We all need.

[Tom Segura]

We all. We all listen. We.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bobby Lee is. By the way.

[Tom Segura]

I'm going to let that slide.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't let Bobby Lee go to a farm. Who's he bringing with him to do all the work?

[Tom Segura]

I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's not Bobby.

[Tom Segura]

No. That's what his ex partner said. She was like, who's going to do the planting?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he was this. If this was a dream he had with Kalila, then that makes sense. But if. If it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know, but. But, Hutch, I'm all for it, but I. You know, piece by piece, I'm trying to get more of an inner farm. You know what I mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

So when you're on, you're closer to the farm than I am.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I mean. Little baby steps to farm life. But I'm not even. You know what? I gave myself that note. I was like, if there's a thing that I'm always hitting you on is like, bro, when are you gonna slow down? When are you gonna, like, smell the roses? That sort of stuff. But then, you know what I realized? I just love you. I love how you are, and it really seems to be working for you. And I need to stop going around being like, but you should read a

[Bert Kreischer]

book in the sun in the morning.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I'll do that. You keep doing what you're doing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wonder if maybe I have my inner form.

[Tom Segura]

This could be your inner form. Tell me, what do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, like, today was a pretty crazy day. Still is. I have meetings that later in the day. And then my last thing, I ended. 8 o'. Clock.

[Tom Segura]

8pm 8pm set.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. And group sex. Group sex. Me and my wife. And then these two people we met online. You're fun. So. But I. But I woke up. I woke up this morning at like 5:30 and I was like. I was like. I was like, I'm gonna get to the gym, I'm gonna work out, I'm gonna run, I'm gonna sauna, I'm gonna shower, I'm gonna run down. And then my Head.

[Tom Segura]

When I sauna, I think of you because you. You posted a video where you go, it's the last 10 minutes. It's the worst. And when I have 10 minutes left, I always think of your red face. Oh, my God, it's the worst. And you did that promo where you came out and you were steaming. So I have two Bert sauna associations. I just want you to know you entered my last show.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so funny what you think about when you do something like that. Can I tell you what? I had a conversation with a guy one time and he was like. I was like. I was like, I just saw it. And he's like, dude, how big was your in there? And I was like, I don't know, I didn't notice. He goes, it's called Sonic. It's like Sonic and I. And every time I get in the Sonic, where's my Sonic?

[Tom Segura]

I got no Sonic.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got no Sonic.

[Tom Segura]

I remember when I was in Australia with David o'. Doherty.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know him?

[Tom Segura]

He's an Irish comedian. He's great. He was like, the weirdest thing about being in Australia is you just get erections all the time because you're used to being asleep. So you just keep getting boners because your body's used to being asleep. And I'm like, totally. Like, I did not get any Sonic in Australia.

[Bert Kreischer]

There was a guy. There was a guy. Hang on. Be. Be. Can you bleep, bleep, bleep for a sec? Okay. Do you remember him? It's better if you remember him. Don't. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Okay. There was a guy one time that told me. I just had George. And he goes, just give me a heads up. When you hold your baby, your dick's gonna get hard. And I was like, really? He's like, yeah. Because you're not having sex with your wife and it's a warm body and your dick will get hard. Don't. I just don't want you to be, like, concerned about it when it happens. I was like, it's not weird. It's not weird.

[Tom Segura]

Everyone's rock hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone's rock hard. So I get Georgia, like, like eight months. I'm like, my dick hasn't got hard once. I was like, do I not love her? Like, what's going on?

[Tom Segura]

Something wrong with me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Something wrong with me?

[Tom Segura]

And you ask it. That's the kind of thing that gets you asking a guy friend, like, is something wrong? I'm not hard when I'm holding my baby and they're like, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm at a party on a Sunday. And I said, guys, my buddy, can I ask you a wild question? He's like, what's up? He had a son right around the same time. I go, when you hold your kid, does your dick get hard? And he goes, God, no. What's wrong with you? And I went, no, mine either. And he was like, oh, right. And I was like, no. This other guy said that your dick's supposed to get hard. He's like, yeah, right.

[Tom Segura]

And if you're in Australia, double hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow, that's so crazy. I don't know if I wonder if my dick gets hard in Australia.

[Tom Segura]

I. I just thought it was the weirdest flex, that he was like, I can't stop getting boners. I can't do his voice. So you got up at five, you saunaed.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I. I don't know what I do. Yeah, 5:30. I don't know what I'd do if I had free time.

[Tom Segura]

You wall burger, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like Leanne. But Leanne wants to, like, she always says, like, I want to get a farm in Nashville. I want to get a farm, and I want to go back down to Florida. What are we go. What are we going to do? Are we going to be in LA for the rest of our lives? I don't mind it, but we got to figure out where we want to be. We don't want to go to Oxnard. I wouldn't mind being. Oh, I got good friends in Ohio. And I always think, I wonder what would happen to me if I kind of slowed down. I wonder if I just start getting old and be like, I don't have thoughts anymore. I'm not thinking about stand up. I'm not.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think everybody needs to figure out where and when to prune. It's not all at once. It's like a little snip here, a little snip there. If you're me, I'm trying to figure out how little can I water the comedy cactus? And that's not really for everybody. I mean, some people would be living my life and be like, I used

[Bert Kreischer]

to be in the mix.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I mean? And I just go, I don't feel that way. I love.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're still. You're still. I just saw. I just saw a movie. You did that? I never, ever saw a movie.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I thought you said a move, which would have been even cooler.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, I just saw you in a trailer the other day, and I was like, when the did this

[Tom Segura]

come out that my feeling is, you can do it. You can figure out how to get the levels right. Do a movie here, Go to the store. I was gonna say, one of my favorite things in the world to do is just go to the store, if I'm being honest. Have a very nice set.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And just be like, these guys. I love all those people hang out and drive back to the mountains. I love it. I used to be one of those guys that's like, you can't. You gotta be where the. You know you need it. And I'm like, slowly, like, weaning off an addiction. But that's me. I really. I. I really. The last time you did this podcast, I was really hitting you to be like, but what about be like me? And now I'm just kind of like, I like that you're out there. You're making stuff. It entertains people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. I remember saying to Rogan, like, you got to tour more, man. Why aren't you touring? Like, you're the biggest you ever been. You should be 20. He's like, yeah, I don't want to be with my family. Like, I love. Yeah. And I remember being like, God, if I had. In, you know, my head, I was like, if I had all this heat, all the views he's getting on his podcast, I'd be. I'd be out Thursday night.

[Tom Segura]

Other way to look at that is he has all this heat on his podcast so he can stay home.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I know, I know. And then I was tandem the other day.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, tell said when I was doing crashing, I was like, now's the time to hit the road. And I'm like, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. No, I have the TV show. I have the hotel mentality. Oh, you do? Now's the time to hit the road,

[Tom Segura]

I guess, make hey. While the sun's out. But that's something that you said. And I was like, yeah, but the people that remind you that make 10 of your hay, they're like, bert, we got a thing going. Says the hay people.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you saw myself horse on your

[Tom Segura]

staff with a tie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. Make hay while the sun's out.

[Tom Segura]

And you're like, I guess I gotta.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a field full of cows. You got all these cows and one human who sells haymakers.

[Tom Segura]

Human, yes. Who makes. Hey.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like, hey.

[Tom Segura]

And your dick is a steel driver.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, John Henry. John Henry. Yeah. I don't know if I'll ever slow down. I would love to. I would love. In a parallel universe, I would love.

[Tom Segura]

Do you Feel like you see the fam enough. It's because one of the lines that stood. It seems like it. One of the lines that stood out, he was like, what if I slow down and give all this manic energy to you guys? And they were all like, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, okay, this is helping me understand. Maybe this is the right. What I'm trying to say is I'm done telling people to be like me. I like. I like how I've pruned my tree.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe I should learn that lesson.

[Tom Segura]

I like, I. I have. That was a great delivery.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great. That what you just said is so fucking. I'm so. I'm annoying myself right now as I think about how many times you want people to be like you. I've given people advice to line up with me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you need to start a podcast. You need to do that. You need to do that. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's because you care and you want to connect and. And let me. Let me put this. I'm gonna take a wild swing. It's because someone did that to you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it helped you.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was Rogan.

[Tom Segura]

So it's really nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Joe is the best. He would pull me aside and go, hey, you need a special. You need to be undeniable. You need to start a podcast. And it was like, it was the right person at the right time to. And he was succeeding it at such a. Like. Like a base level. Like, meaning, like, I knew succeeding, but I don't think he saw what his. He knew his trajectory. He knew what he could become, I think. And I was like, well, he says it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I should look, there's some people, and this is the trap, who like advice, especially when you're coming up. When I was coming up and I met Birbiglia and he started giving me advice and I took it. He was like, wow, people don't usually listen to my advice.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a great reveal.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, he and I relate to that because. But here's the trap. The advice. Loving people. Then go like, oh, my God, this guy just gave me a one sentence thing. Like, be undeniable is what Gavigan said to me, by the way. I was like, I'm gonna go around and tell all the comics. Gavigan said, yeah, and. And like, you realize not everyone likes. Like, it's okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Makes no fucking sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

It makes no sense.

[Tom Segura]

Makes no fucking sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like. I was like, do you need to be a little clearer? You need to Be a little clearer. And he's like, you'll know. You'll know.

[Tom Segura]

I used to do with my openers, especially when I was on the Hooch, I would be like, listen, here's how you get Montreal Jack Daniels breath. Look, you need an introductory statement. And then I was like, no, maybe just let them figure it out. It's like parenting. You go, like, I guess they have to touch the stove.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember telling a comic at the store on the patio, you know, you should host a show. Because I was. When I was on Travel Channel, you know what you should do? You should do this, this, this, and this. And I was like, this, this, this. You could tell he was just glazed over. And I was like, that's what you should do. And he was like, yeah, I kind of want to be an actor. And I was like, okay. And I was like, you know, not all of us can be actors. And I just walked away. And I was like, he'll never fucking get it.

[Tom Segura]

And that person was Steve Martin.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm just looking at a picture I loved.

[Tom Segura]

Was Michael Keaton.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was Michael Keaton.

[Tom Segura]

I want to give it a go. Look, I'm just saying it's hard for the advice. Loving people to learn that other people don't want your advice. Because clearly, right now, as we're talking about it, I'm like, they're wrong.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, they're. Do you know how hard it was? Do you know how hard it was? I was. I. My whole team. My whole, like, production company was like, the horse, the cow, all of them. They were like, you need to cut back on podcasts. And I was like, I don't think you're aware of how this business works. And they're like, no, we are. And they're like, we think we could do less. We could do this and this. And then they came up, and Leanne was in charge of it. They came up with a plan, and they're like, you need to make this decision. And it. It took everything in my. Leanne said to me, don't go calling your friends asking for advice. They're gonna tell you you're crazy. This is your life. You need to make this decision. Wow. And I was like, it took everything in my power not to call everyone I know and to go, hey, what do you think about. Because why not?

[Tom Segura]

You did. You didn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. I did. I did. I did because I did. I know. I didn't call anyone. I didn't call anyone, but I did cut back on the podcast. What happened is oddly Enough. At the exact same time, Tom was. Tom came to my room. We were in D.C. together, and he was like, hey, can we talk? And he talked about how overwhelming podcasting was becoming to him and with other projects going on. And then I was like, well, that's the right advice. I'm hearing from him at the right time. And so I said, you know, I said, let's just do burqcast. I go, let's demonetize Berkcast. Let's. Because ad sales, you're. You're. You're mandated to do one a week. And I was like. And I go, let's demonetize it. So we can just do them when we get good guests. And then I can. And I really just want to do musicians. Like, I mean, I don't mind, like, a great comic like you I could have a conversation with, but having to do them every week. A lot of times you have comics that you're going, like, I don't know what to talk to this person about. And I hope this is good, but I'm not really that interested.

[Tom Segura]

I love your candor. It's very funny that you said that.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's so. You know exactly what I'm talking about is they're like, hey, can you have dot, dot, dot on? And you're like, who is he?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's part of it. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so. And sometimes you get great podcasts.

[Tom Segura]

I was gonna say sometimes those are the ones Katie knows. A joke on this podcast is I go, katie, this one's gonna be an hour.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then we end up talking for, like, nine hours. And I love them, so it can go either way. You never know. Sometimes the guy that you're like, I can't believe we got him. They stink. So you never know.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I said, fine, let's demonetized burcast. And then I go demonetize. Something's burning, I guess. And they're like, well, no, we can do funding for Something's Burning. You just going to do this. You got to do this exact amount of episodes. I was like, okay. And then I was like. And I've never enjoyed Birdcast more than not doing it weekly. Like, what? By knowing that if someone's coming on, like, I have the black crows coming up. And I'm like, I can't fucking wait. Yeah, I can't wait. Wait. And then I have like, hey, this

[Tom Segura]

sounds like a little prune.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Figured out a little.

[Bert Kreischer]

A little prune. And I mean, I've cut. I mean, health. Once you start Dialing in your health, you have energy, then all of a sudden, everything's possible. But. And I wish I could do it with. I did it with. I did it with arenas. I was like, you know, I'm getting ready for the special. Arenas are stress for me. They are real stress. Because tickets. Yeah. You're never done selling tickets. You're never done. And so always they're like.

[Tom Segura]

It's like, these theaters are sold out. Looking at the seat map, these theaters are sold out, but you have a whole other theater right here that hasn't moved at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did Boston this week. Boston was the first, like, you know, you want to do TD Gardens, or we can do. We can do the Wang and if you can add shows if you want. And I was like, I'd rather do the Wang, because the Wang's pretty big theater. And I was like, do a couple of those. It's like, bottom bowl. And then I was like. I was like, I'll do the Wang. And then they're like, I never heard from anyone. They were like, there. They sold out. And I was like, oh, cool. Never had to do any promos for Boston. Yeah, I never had, like. And then you do, like, Tampa. They're like, yo, you still have, you know what, 5,000 tickets to move. And you're like, Jesus Christ. Like, no, you're at, you know, you're at, you know, 15,000, but, you know, it seats 19, so. And I was like, hold on.

[Tom Segura]

What the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, like, why? Like. And I'm not shitting on my agents or managers. I'm just saying, like, that you always have tickets to move. You always have.

[Tom Segura]

This is what I'm saying. Once you become the business. So anytime I've told you to, like, hey, maybe you should. It's not a love. And it's because I know the western way is find something that makes money and then squeeze it until it pops.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that.

[Tom Segura]

And it's up to you. You're at a completely different level for me. It's up to you to go like, you know what, Joe Rogan, I don't want to go out.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. It's funny, I. I look at. I mean, I remember I said this. I just said this to Joe the other day on his podcast. I remember him saying stuff to me and thinking he was out of his mind.

[Tom Segura]

He was like, pyramids. There's like a whole other structure beneath them.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it was about thing that there's a ufo non seams in these planes. They found no seam whatsoever. No.

[Tom Segura]

What's Fun. Is I. I love that stuff. Oh, it sounds like I'm teasing, but I'm aware of the UFO under the pyramids, because I love that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, Keep going. And I remember him at a very thing. I was like, I really wanted to be famous. I really want.

[Tom Segura]

He said that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did. I did. I said it. He was like, you're out of your mind. He goes, your goal should be not to be famous. Your show. Your goal should be to be as least famous as you can be. To work. Yeah. To still work.

[Tom Segura]

And by the way, I honestly feel like that's pretty much my level. You are not going to Disneyland.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Oh, no, no, no, no. By the way, Rogan has to rent it out. Like, there's. Rogan's not going to do. Yeah. But this guy.

[Tom Segura]

I'm on pirates. Maybe a couple highs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe a couple yo hos, but I'm going to enjoy that ride.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember. And I said that to him. I was like, dude, you've. You totally didn't listen to your advice. He goes, I know I fucked up, but like, that was the goal. The goal was to be less famous.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I was like, that's so interesting because I didn't listen. And now I look at it and I go, I think you were right. Look at like. I look at like, guys who just have like a great. Like, Mark Norman's a good example. Yeah. Like, he kills. It sells everywhere. Yeah. He can definitely go to fucking Disney. For sure.

[Tom Segura]

They'll think he's one of the attractions, like a haunted puppet. Oh, one of the haunted puppets from the mansion got loose. Oh, there's something there to remind us to wear sunblock.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is that okay? Love you more.

[Bert Kreischer]

He does. He does do that.

[Tom Segura]

Like. Oh, he's a. He's a. AI.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know that.

[Tom Segura]

That is a Roomba, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

They got an update to get meta about. I was. We were just talking about this about Stand Up. I was at dinner with Mark and Sam and I was like. Because as a storyteller, I'm always. I always feel like I'm trying to tell a better story or tell stories in a new way. Make a story more interesting. Less. Less almost like formulaic than the. Like different than the last one. I'm reading a book about storytelling right now about the seven different plots of story. And it's a. You're writing a book about it? I'm reading a book. Reading a book. Reading a book.

[Tom Segura]

He said the seven kinds of plots. I was like, he's not writing this no, I'm not.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And so, and so I'm like. And I'm fascinated because they're real joke writers. And I was like, so when you guys approach a special, like, what is your thing you're working on? Like, I'm always trying to write a better story than last special or like a more epic. Or, or, or can I tell one story that integrates everything from the special in it at the end? That's my goal right now, is to have a story where every. It tags from every story and it's really a journey story, like a hero journey story, but there's a monster in it. Like, I want all the fucking. Yeah. I want to. I want to do Lord of the Rings. Yeah. In a stand up special. And there. And then Mark and Sam were like so brilliantly simple. They were like, to write the best joke and to make it as simple as possible and as clean as possible. And I was like. I was like. And they're like. But it. The same thing that keeps me up at night, keeps them up at night is like just the least amount of work.

[Tom Segura]

I know. They're assassins.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're.

[Tom Segura]

They're just like, how do I make a smaller rifle?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's.

[Tom Segura]

That's what they're.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do I get. I just want one hole that no one sees.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want them just to collapse.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. No, I know. I. I tease Mark, but I think both of those guys are great. And I love that they're out there. See, there might have been a time when I'd be like, yeah, but why aren't they. I love that they're on the subway eating pizza at 3am Thinking about a fucking one liner. Yeah. I'm glad they're doing that.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. Mark does this really cool thing about. He takes a joke and then he works it nine different ways until. And they post all the derivations of the joke. Really fascinating.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wish I could write jokes better. My jokes suck. What did Mr. T say after he pushed 50 Cent in the pool?

[Tom Segura]

I 50 the pool.

[Bert Kreischer]

I fitty the pool.

[Tom Segura]

I did get it, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did? You did?

[Tom Segura]

I fitty the pool. You took acid and went to Disneyland and you got beat up by a black guy. You said both of those so fast. Those, like, famous stories.

[Bert Kreischer]

They were on like my first. First. Okay. First hour I ever did.

[Tom Segura]

You're gonna rehash.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no.

[Tom Segura]

I do want to thank you for coming on, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you to death.

[Tom Segura]

What are the tastes of Mountain Dew? That's a citrus and then orange. Citrus and all. It says citrus and orange.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sounds like a redneck. It's like citrus, you know, but orange. Right.

[Tom Segura]

It's like salad stuff and cucumbers.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I'm sitting at a table. I'm sitting at a table for my first table read ever. We'd done the public table read for the. Where everyone's in the. All the. Back in the day when you did a table read. Now I don't even know if they do table reads at all anymore. But back in the day, a table read, you'd get a deal, they'd get a pilot, you'd submit the pilot, they'd pick it up, they'd cast the pilot, and then before the week started, they did a table read to find out if all the actors were good enough to work together. Yeah. And it was. I'm glad I got to experience it. I'm glad it doesn't happen anymore. It was probably a cafeteria of like 200 people. It was every agent, it was every producer, every writer that was going to be on the show, every executive on the studio level, on the production. I mean, everything. It was a massive thing. Yeah. And it was the president of the network, everyone underneath him. It was Les Moonves, Julie Pernworth, Edie. I mean, it was everyone. We did that one and it was terrifying. I didn't understand what I was going into. I walked in and it's. I'm a. I'm on a podium, I'm at a table. Everyone's not in placards. There's a microphone here, the script in front of me. I'd never read the script. I'm not a good out loud reader. We get through it, and then we all go into a soundstage to do another one with the writers. And I'm sitting across from Elliot Gould and there's a big bowl of candy, and I grab a thing of Juicy Fruit, I put it in my mouth and Elliot goes, I wouldn't mind a piece of gum. I don't know Elliot at all. I give him a piece of gum and he goes, so, what are these flavors? And he goes, I've never thought about that. And I said, yeah, what flavors do you think these are? And he's like, I don't know. What is Juicy Fruit? It's like the moment me and him connect. And I go, I'll figure it out. So he goes, how are you gonna figure out? I got a good taste buds. I'll get it to you. So I call The Juicy Fruit Co. The number's on the back of the piece of gum. I called them. I go, hey, can you guys tell me what flavor Juicy Fruit is? And they tell me, and I write it down. It's banana, it's grapefruit, it's apple, it's grape. It's like a bunch of different. Well, it's basically like all the good ones. Including grapefruit. No cantaloupe. No, cantaloupe. I think grapefruit's in there. Might just be grape, but it's banana. Apple, grape.

[Tom Segura]

I was gonna say banana is strong.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So the next day, we're going to dinner, next table Read, and I see him grab the Juicy Fruit. And I go, tell me if I'm wrong. And I lifts off flavors, and he puts in. He goes, you nailed it. You nailed it. How did you do that? And I said, I told you I got a good tongue. He's like, that's incredible. That's exactly what this is. And I said, yeah. So we do the whole thing of testing or of doing the show. We do it. And by the way, Elliot and I become friends. At one point, there's a guy who I no longer is a showrunner, but he. We're trying to get pickups at the very last minute. And Elliot is playing a blind guy. He's got a dog, and he's, like, looking up at the. No, maybe a stick. And he's looking off the side. And Elliot leans in, he goes, try improv ing one. And we had done, like 15 takes of me going, sure thing, sis. Sure thing, sis. Sure thing, sis. Sure thing, sis. It's two in the morning. Sure thing, sis. And the girl walks in and I go. She goes, hey, can I have a beer? And I go, is a duck's ass watertight? Grab one. And everyone laughs. And the showrunner comes up and gets in my ear and he goes, you're fucking me in the ass right now. You're fucking me over. You have me bent over in front of CBS in front of Fox Studios, and you're fucking me in the ass. Fucking read what I fucking wrote in the goddamn script. And he walks away. And Elliot goes, plant, still blind. Goes, sorry. So we're. So we're walking. We're done. It's like two in the morning. And Elliot walks by me and he goes, I left my number. My number in your room. I'd like to go to dinner with you. I think you're very interesting and you're a very fun guy to work with, and I think you're gonna have a tremendous career. And I went, okay. I said, okay, cool. He goes, please call me. And I went, okay. I go, elliot. And he goes, yeah. I go, I called Juicy Fruit. He goes, I knew it. And he just walked away.

[Tom Segura]

Bert Haymaker Kreischer. The show is free, Bert. I mean, I just have the softest spot for you. I'm just in. I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're brothers, and we. We've. Our paths are too identical.

[Tom Segura]

I know. We got Hutched in different ways.

[Bert Kreischer]

We got hushed in different ways. I'm getting a call from Hutch. He's like, buddy, just so you know, it's fine.

[Tom Segura]

It was worth it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was worth it.

[Tom Segura]

Don't overthink it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Hutch wouldn't overthink it.

[Tom Segura]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

B man, I love you. I bet. Here's. This is what I'm gonna get. B man. Do you know what his son did? His son started a hot dog cart in Tallahassee. Fucking wildly successful. Parked up, bought a hot dog cart, parked it outside the bars, and sold crazy fucking money in hot dogs. Then sold the company, graduated college, sold the company a bunch of kids for a ton of money. Well, yeah, but I'm gonna get a buddy. Listen to the podcast. They said it's awesome. I'm not gonna listen to that. I love you, man. I'll see you the next one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, and we didn't get another listen, but that's fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Would you say keep it crispy? It's how we close, as you know. This is your third time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Keep it crispy.

[Julia Louis Dreyfus]

Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. You'll get ad free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David Duchovny, the Sarah Silverman podcast, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show, feed on Apple Podcasts, and hit subscribe. Make life suck less with fewer ads with Lemonada Premium. Are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the 1 bestselling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.