Bert Kreischer Returns

Summary

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Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – Bert Kreischer Returns (July 5, 2023)

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Main Theme / Purpose

In this energetic and candid episode, Pete Holmes welcomes back comedian Bert Kreischer for a revealing, funny, and deeply personal conversation that dips into the psychology of comedy, success, authenticity, and the emotional weirdness that comes with living and performing at a high level. The two discuss Bert’s new movie (The Machine), dig into the nature of ambition, imposter syndrome, and satisfaction, while riffing on everything from tough guys and masculinity to the secret joy of planning vacations and the weird answers behind why comedians (and everyone else) feel the way they do.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Podcasting Origins, Career Diversions, and Rogan’s Influence

[05:00–09:00]

• Pete and Bert discuss their podcasting roots and Chris Hardwick’s influence, with Bert crediting Hardwick for urging him into podcasting.
• Bert suggests that if Pete had focused solely on podcasting, he could have rivaled Joe Rogan’s podcast success.
• They discuss how distractions like TV and other creative projects pulled both away from pure podcasting.
• Quote:

  “If you just had focused on podcasting, you’d be bigger than Rogan.” – Bert Kreischer (06:00)

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2. Masculinity, Attractiveness, and Comedy as Power

[09:10–13:30]

• A humorous and insightful analysis of why certain men (e.g., Rob Lowe) are considered attractive: symmetry, jawlines, and genetic signals of fitness.
• Pete connects humor and intelligence as an evolutionary trait; funny people can “diffuse” situations with wit—an indicator of higher function.
• Observes that success in comedy can compensate for raw physical traits, raising social capital.
• Quote:

  “Symmetry is also just a genetic indicator… So Rob Lowe’s perfect face…says to a woman, just like big hips do to a man.” – Pete Holmes (12:15)

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3. Tough Guys, MMA Fighters, and Ball-Busting Etiquette

[14:00–18:30]

• Bert shares stories about busting balls with MMA fighters and explains the importance of knowing intent when joking with tough people.
• Discusses friendships and mutual respect in the comedy and MMA communities, plus the pitfalls of challenging alpha personalities.
• Quote:

  "You have to really mean it as a joke…With tough guys…they have to know your intent." – Pete Holmes (17:42)

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4. Social Behavior: Are Comics the Life of the Party?

[24:32–26:12]

• Both agreed that, with growing comfort and success, their personalities at parties became less performative and more relaxed.
• Bert and Pete confess to being unbearably "on" before finding their footing in the business; pitching to execs while drunk, trying too hard before finding confidence.
• Quote:

  “I was unbearable…And especially if there was a network exec there, buddy. I was pitching him shows. I couldn’t shut the fuck up.” – Bert Kreischer (24:51)

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5. Praise, Criticism, and the Velcro/Teflon Effect (Why Negativity Sticks)

[33:00–34:00]

• Pete shares the "Velcro/Teflon" theory: Negative comments ("You suck!") stick like Velcro, while positive ones slide off like Teflon.
• The need to consciously absorb and meditate on positive feedback for it to stick.
• Story of Larry David’s stadium birthday overshadowed by one passing insult.
• Quote:

  “A negative one—‘you suck’—is like Velcro. It sticks to you effortlessly…positive slips right off.” – Pete Holmes (33:16)

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6. Internet Reviews: Karma, Regret, and Online ‘Yelping’

[35:40–42:22]

• Bert recounts leaving a scathing Yelp review that unintentionally tanked a small business and his subsequent regret.
• Transitioned to leaving positive reviews to uplift good experiences.
• Hilariously dramatic readings of their overly earnest, poetic 5-star reviews.
• Quote:

  “When I like something, I Yelp it, and I Yelp it really good. Like, I really Yelp it.” – Bert Kreischer (38:16)

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7. Happiness, Intentionality, and the Search (or the Plan) as the True Joy

[46:10–56:44]

• Deep dive into the human tendency to derive more joy from anticipating or planning events than from the actual experience.
• Planning and the lead-up to vacations, shows, or live events spark more excitement than the event itself.
• Also, discussion of people who seem to have “no preferences” or passions; is it enlightenment or passivity?
• Quote:

  “It’s not the vacation, it’s the planning…the texting back and forth.” – Bert Kreischer (99:12)

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8. Purpose, Passions, and the Fear of Stagnation

[61:14–72:08]

• Bert reflects on his inability to slow down—always saying yes, adding more projects, even when vowing to rest.
• Both explore the “one more thing” mentality (the Blow/Walter White effect): the elusive finish line that always moves.
• Bert’s push to keep producing comedy specials out of fear of losing the fire or feeling like a fraud.
• Quote:

  “Sometimes I feel like the movie Blow—one last hit, and then I get money to retire…” – Bert Kreischer (58:47)

• Quote 2:

  “I have to work harder than everyone else to be even in the same conversation.” – Bert Kreischer (67:59)

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9. The Comedy Hustle, Comparing Paths, and Inspiration from Joe Rogan

[88:20–91:03]

• Discussion of Rogan’s lows—getting 'kicked out' of the Comedy Store and pivoting to podcasting.
• Admiration for Rogan’s relentless self-reinvention, honesty, and refusal to let the “marketplace” dictate art.
• Pete and Bert reflect on the definition of a "hack" from McKee/Pressfield: someone who tries to predict and give the audience what it wants, instead of creating authentically.
• Quote:

  “The definition of a hack is someone who thinks they can predict what an audience wants… and then tries to reverse engineer it and give it to them.” – Pete Holmes (90:11)

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10. Ghost Stories, Paranormal Experiences, and Lucid Dreaming

[115:47–124:39]

• Bert recounts being locked in a cell at Alcatraz during a paranormal tour and experiencing a real (possibly ghostly) red light.
• Shares a vivid reminiscence of a sleep paralysis experience he interprets as being “molested by a ghost” during a lucid dream.
• Discussion on humanity’s long link to such experiences and folklore.

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11. The Funniest Moments of Bert’s Life & The Kool-Aid Clip

[129:29–137:23]

• Bert lists times he’s laughed the hardest—including shaving Tom Segura’s body and the viral “Kool-Aid” podcast clip (“You’re drinking a gallon of Kool-Aid!”).
• Realization that the best moments are often those when he’s unintentionally funny.
• Quote:

  “You ever not realize how different you are until someone points it out and you’re like, ‘I’m really different.’” – Bert Kreischer (135:51)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• “If you just had focused on podcasting, you’d be bigger than Rogan.” – Bert Kreischer (06:00)
• “I think doing standup is our attempt to be hot women.” – Pete Holmes (09:07)
• “Symmetry is also just a genetic indicator.” – Pete Holmes (12:15)
• “You have to really mean it as a joke…With tough guys…they have to know your intent.” – Pete Holmes (17:42)
• “A negative one—‘you suck’—is like Velcro. It sticks to you effortlessly…positive slips right off.” – Pete Holmes (33:16)
• “When I like something, I Yelp it, and I Yelp it really good. Like, I really Yelp it.” – Bert Kreischer (38:16)
• “Sometimes I feel like the movie Blow—one last hit, and then I get money to retire…” – Bert Kreischer (58:47)
• “I have to work harder than everyone else to be even in the same conversation.” – Bert Kreischer (67:59)
• “The definition of a hack is someone who thinks they can predict what an audience wants… and then tries to reverse engineer it and give it to them.” – Pete Holmes (90:11)
• “You ever not realize how different you are until someone points it out and you’re like, ‘I’m really different.’” – Bert Kreischer (135:51)
• “It’s red.” – Bert Kreischer, on Kool-Aid, repeatedly (137:17)

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• Opening banter, podcast origin talk: 05:00–09:00
• Comedy as power, masculinity, attraction: 09:10–13:30
• MMA/tough guys, intent in comedy: 14:00–18:30
• Are comics really the center of the party?: 24:32–26:12
• Praise/criticism, Velcro/Teflon effect: 33:00–34:00
• Online reviews, positive energy: 35:40–42:22
• Anticipation/planning vs. experience: 46:10–56:44
• Ambition, finish lines never reached: 61:14–72:08
• Joe Rogan as inspiration, authenticity: 88:20–91:03
• Ghost stories, dream experiences: 115:47–124:39
• Funniest moments/Kool-Aid story: 129:29–137:23

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Language & Tone Reflection

The podcast maintains a loose, profane, deeply honest, and joyful tone; much of the humor comes from vulnerability, self-deprecation, and spontaneous riffing. Both hosts freely riff, reveal weirdness, and are as quick to psychoanalyze themselves as they are to pivot to absurdity or sincere praise. The blend of working-class energy and therapy-speak is a hallmark of Pete Holmes’ "You Made It Weird."

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Conclusion

This episode is essential listening for anyone interested in the honest inner workings of comedians, the struggle with ambition and success, and the profound weirdness that comes with following your own path. Bert Kreischer remains delightfully open, funny, and self-aware, resulting in a conversation that is as insightful as it is hilarious, underscored by the refrain of finding joy in the journey—planning the vacation, brewing the Kool-Aid, and loving what makes you weird.

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Transcript

[A]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you made it weird. Made it weird. Yes, you made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is the return of the incredible, hilarious and wonderful Bert Kreischer, who has a new movie you're about to hear. We talk a little bit about it. Not, not a ton. But I did gush quite a bit because I went and I saw it and I fucking loved it. And it's available streaming on like Apple tv. You get on your itunes. You can get it. You can buy it on YouTube. I'm pretty sure YouTube.com is a website, but I loved it. He's fantastic. He's so funny. It's so him. And you gotta check it out. It's really gave me so many laughs and so many laughs that both Val and I needed so badly. That's so hard to do. So check out the machine, which is available on demand now. If you'd like some live laughs, some LLs go to PeteHomes.com because I'm on tour. I'm going to be in New York and I think New Jersey, Connecticut, I don't know, Denver. That sounds right. I'm going to be adding St. Louis. That'll be available soon. Listen, I'm going all around and it just. And even after this tour is done of this hour, I'm going to continue touring and, and doing more dates as I work out my next hour. So regardless of when you hear this, I'm probably coming to a town near you. Go to PeteHomes.com and I hope to see you out there. It means so much when people come to the shows. Also, if you like this show, we do ads a little bit differently here. We only do spots for things I actually use and actually love. Like this. I'm wearing it right now. If you're watching the video, this is my Apollo Neuro. There is no piece of tech that has changed my life in the past years more than than the Apollo Neuro. It's a wearable that helps your body recover from stress by sending vibrations into your body. That gives your nervous system the sensation of being touched or held. That means it's like a digital or like a virtual hug, which is so incredible. It can help you relax, sleep, focus and be more productive. A wearable hug for your nervous system using touch therapy to help you feel safe and in control. And I can tell you and Val can tell you it absolutely works worn on the wrist or the ankle. Apollo Neuro is like finding the fuse box for your emotions. That's what I like to say. With settings for energy, social focus, rebuild and recover calm unwind, which is what I put it on at night to help me wind down at the end of the day. Then I put it on fall asleep, which is a chemical free way to lull you to sleep or if you get up in the middle of the night to lull you back to sleep. I use it every night at least one full rotation of the cycle. Apollo Neuro is not woo woo. It's not like developed by the Psychic Friends Network. It was developed by a neuroscientist and a board certified psychiatrist who've been studying the impacts of chronic stress in humans for nearly 15 years. And Apollo's effects on stress, sleep, cognitive performance and recovery have been proven in multiple clinical trials and real world studies. So do your nervous system a favor, do this show a favor, show your support of the show. But also help your body, help your mind get 10% [e-mail] weird. That's a P O L L O any uro.com weird. 10% off. Also brought to us by our friends speaking of productivity at Onnit Onnit Alpha Brain is the supplement that has absolutely changed. It's a game changer for me. It is a nootropic. It is earth grown ingredients. It is not a stimulant. Helps you with memory and focus and creativity and flow. Anytime I'm doing something that involves my brain, if it's reading, writing, if I'm doing a podcast, if I'm doing standup or or as I'm just this weekend, like on the 4th, I will take some Alpha Brain because I want to have access to my brain even if I'm just hanging out and being social. When do you not want your brain to have the nutrition that it needs to function at its optimum? It is incredible. I wish I knew about it in college. I'm so glad I know about it now. The best way to know if you like it is to try it. Go to onnit O n n I t.com weird. You will get 10% off everything you see on that landing page. Try Alpha Brain. Absolute creativity and productivity. Game changer. Support the show onit.com weird all right everybody, let's get into Bert Kreischer. He returns right now. Get into it.

[A]

You were you, you were the first person that I said I need a Katie in my life.

[B]

No, it's real.

[A]

Everybody needs a K. I swear to God. Oh So good to see. I've been thinking about. How have you been doing?

[B]

Good.

[A]

How are you doing? Good. How's life been?

[B]

So sweet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I love this.

[A]

So awesome. I've known. I've known Katie now for 15 years.

[B]

I know, I know. No, I love Katie. She's wonderful.

[A]

And you're still working with her.

[B]

Still working.

[A]

That's so awesome.

[B]

Together.

[A]

That's so awesome.

[B]

Now we're self produced, but we were with Nerdist, which is how we got her started.

[A]

Nerdist. That's an interesting. Are we rolling?

[B]

We're rolling.

[A]

Nerd is a really interesting dude. Shout out to Chris Hardwick. He is such an inventive next level dude. But, yeah, he changed my life. Changed a lot of life.

[B]

Me to do a pod and we used to text each other. Just the word. Game changer. I didn't mean interrupt. No, with you. I want to give him some love. Because he was like, you should do it. Because I was like, what is just. Just talking. He's like, you don't understand.

[A]

I would argue. I would argue. Can I tell you this? I'm going to say this. I hope that you take this as a compliment.

[B]

Me.

[A]

If you didn't have extracurriculars in your career, meaning TV shows, movies, tours, if you just had focused on podcasting, you'd be bigger than Rogan.

[B]

You think so?

[A]

Yeah. You were so. I think you got distracted with a lot of the bigger things in your life. The Pete Holmes show, the fucking crashing, which were all fucking amazing. I would gladly. In the career that we both have chosen, we've chosen to do the extracurriculars.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For whatever reason, we're those kids that we do band.

[A]

Yeah. They tempt us. I want to be challenged on other things. Like Joe just. I think Joe already did them all.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And was done.

[B]

He. He. He didn't peak, but he broke early. That's the word I'm looking for, you.

[A]

Know, in secret time. Joe got put in time out for a little bit.

[B]

Tell me.

[A]

You know, Joe got put in timeout after doing the man show and then the Carlos Mencia thing. It all happened at the same time after the man show. Because I got off for the man show. I got off for the man show.

[B]

Yeah. Why weren't you the host of the man show?

[A]

You know, Can I. Can I tell you? Can I tell you why?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

They offered me the man show probably 2015, 2014. 15. We just started doing Joe's podcast, and Joe's podcast was big. And so really, when we came, Joe became like a little bit of a. Like a. I say big brother. I don't want, like, using the word mentor because I never. Like, mentor is too grandiose. Big brother, like, where I could go.

[B]

Like, it has the word men in it. You guys would like that.

[A]

I like that a lot.

[B]

I meant it because you're. Because your man men.

[A]

I'm really tapping into my gay side lately. I hung out with Rob Lowe yesterday, and he is so perfect.

[B]

He's a beautiful man.

[A]

So I called Joe. I was in Edmonton. They offered me the man show. They said you can have anyone guest host it. You beat you, and then you can pick whoever you want to co host it with. And I called Joe and I said, hey, man, he's got offered the man show. I know you did it. What do you think? He was, don't do it. Please don't do it. Please don't do it. It's not worth it. He's like, listen, man, I got put in a little bit of TV time out after I did it because it. No one. No one liked it. And it kind of me for a little bit.

[B]

Wait, because people didn't like how un PC it was.

[A]

No, no, no. That. It just didn't perform well. Wasn't good. So whenever you get. Whenever you have.

[B]

Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was good. It just didn't perform well.

[A]

It didn't perform well.

[B]

I see.

[A]

It wasn't. It wasn't Jimmy and Adam.

[B]

Yeah, Jimmy.

[A]

Jimmy and Adam had a special chemistry. They were special dudes and they were doing something at a time when it was unacceptable. And girls on trampolines. I remember watching that going like, it's fucking perfect. Right?

[B]

I wanted that to be the whole show. When I was 15, I was like, why wasn't.

[A]

Can I tell you? It still works. And there's porn out there pretty excessively. It still works. It still works. I saw girls on trampoline the other day and I went, that's fucking cool. Yeah, it's fucking cool.

[B]

I like it to have like a. Like a light flair to it, like frolicking.

[A]

I love Doug Benson. Used to do side boob Sundays.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And his fans would just send pictures of side boobs. And I go, yeah, fucking works.

[B]

Yeah. Now I know under boob to.

[A]

Oh, under boob is great. Like down blousing. When a woman. When a woman is not wearing a bra and they lean forward to talk to you and you're supposed to, like. You get that moment of, Of, Of. Of animal Instincts where you see it, you go look, and then you look away because you're a gentleman, but you're. The part of you is a man where you're like, she fucking knows. Yeah, she knows. She's doing this to me. That.

[B]

Have you ever thought about this? If you and I were women, I feel like would be similar style, brassy broads. I say that with love. I'd have, like, a dragon tattoo high on my thigh.

[A]

Tempting. I might have red hair.

[B]

Yeah, I'd have red hair, too. Can I tell you, I really put this together at one point, that doing standup is our attempt to be hot women. Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You walk through the Mall of America and people are as excited to see you as they would. Just not just. But like a beautiful. Like Joan from Mad Men walks through. Same level of enthusiasm. I said at that yogurt shop, I.

[A]

Was talking to my. My. My lady who runs my social media. We were stuck in traffic and we were talking about, what percentage of the opposite sex do you think you'd have sex with? And she's very attractive. And she said, I think I could have sex with 100% of men. Men. And I said. I was like, yeah, that's actually pretty accurate. I said, what about me? And she goes, I don't know, like 30%. And I was like, wait, hold on. Are you doing just me as me or me as if I have my career? I have. She goes, oh, well, that's a little bit of a game changer. Of course. Because it is true. I could get. It's not fair either that. I mean, look at. Both of us are married men, so we're talking in this fantasy parallel universe. Yeah, but I could get girls I don't deserve.

[B]

Interesting. What is attractiveness, if so. Okay, I'm going to give.

[A]

This is really deep.

[B]

I love where I'm going to give this to you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Rob Lowe. Tell me about Rob Lowe. Tell me about Rob Lowe's jawline. Is it chiseled?

[A]

Every part of his face.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Is perfectly measured?

[B]

Yes. So symmetry.

[A]

Symmetry.

[B]

Symmetry is also just a genetic indicator.

[A]

Real teeth.

[B]

Real teeth.

[A]

He has real teeth.

[B]

We can't be sure about that. They might be wooden.

[A]

No, I watch. I watch. I pick on real teeth. You got real teeth. I got real teeth. I don't have real teeth, but I have other teeth.

[B]

How can you tell when people don't have real teeth?

[A]

It turns me off. When you see someone.

[B]

How do you know? Oh, they're too perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chiclet Teeth, but a square jaw. Everybody who listens to this podcast knows I'm gonna say this, but a square jaw is an indication of high testosterone. So is body hair. So this is how you're sexy. You are projecting to women. Like manliness. Like Bert Kreischer without a beard. I can't grow a beard. These are indications of testosterone. Think of Jason Statham. He's balding. Bruce Willis, he's balding. High testosterone. What's testosterone? It's a poison. So if you are a man and you have high testosterone, it means you're strong. It means you have grit. It's the same thing. Machine. I'm calling machine on purpose here. Alcohol is a poison. Why is you drinking 12 Manhattans in an hour? Like, seeming like, why is that cool? Why is it cool that Don Draper's smoking a cigarette and having a cocktail at noon? Because testosterone and alcohol, Chiseled jaw, hairy back, baldness. All these things are indications of how your genes can handle a competitive environment. There are things that are trying to kill you. So I'm talking about on a base, unconscious level. A woman looks at you and goes, he can survive. I won't breed with him and he'll drop dead.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now think of what, you know, like what, what we've in the 80s would call like a nerd.

[A]

Like, you know, like a high pitch voice. And.

[B]

Yeah, they do they have a beard? No. Do they have a square jawline?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Weak chin. These are indications. So symmetry is also an indication of an internal order. It's interesting, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So Rob Lowe's perfect face. Denzel Washington's perfect face. It says to a woman, just like big hips. Say to a man. We're talking very heteronormal. Very like, I understand, but a man, we see wide hips, that means a baby can come out without splitting this woman in half. We see big boobs, they can feed the baby. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

These are.

[B]

We're pretty basic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's a lot of variations on this. But when you're talking so you getting women you don't deserve, I would take issue with that because you can make people laugh. Humor is an indication that you have higher function, which means you're not gonna resort to violence first. You're gonna go to your intelligence first.

[A]

You're gonna go to your reason first. I would argue I wouldn't. You know, it's interesting you say that. I've never resorted to violence. Like, I've never resorted, like, it's Not.

[B]

Is it really a resort?

[A]

I was telling somebody the other day, I learned very quickly as a dude with a sense of humor, who you can fuck with and who you cannot fuck with.

[B]

Some people. Yeah, it's not on the menu.

[A]

They're dudes. And, you know, it's tricky because I live in a world where, like, a lot of MMA fighters listen to our podcast and so. And I fuck around with a lot of MMA fighters.

[B]

Is it mma? I've been saying, what if? What if you're talking to the toughest motherfucker you've ever met, and he's shirtless and he's glistening, but he keeps saying ma instead of mma.

[A]

I don't correct him. Yeah, you don't correct him. I don't correct anyone. People can say the N word in front of me and I just go, uh huh, sure thing, pal. Just. Can you say it lower? I'm getting the fuck out of here.

[B]

Deep voice, also an indication of genetics.

[A]

Superior. I don't correct anyone. I've had black dudes say horrifically homophobic shit out loud at a restaurant and you're just like, can we just lower our voice?

[B]

Bloomin Onion. How many Bloomin Onions will it take to apologize to everyone?

[A]

I don't correct anybody. And I will not correct an MMA fighter. I will not correct an MMA fighter.

[B]

Which is why I think you're still here.

[A]

Yeah, well. Although it's a learning curve.

[B]

Are they gentle little beans?

[A]

No, dude, they're not. No, no, no. The vast majority of them are fucking awesome. Like, awesome. They are as awesome as Rogan is. And Rogan is. Rogan would never, ever, ever in a million years. Resorts of violence. Because those dudes, a lot of them understand they, they can, they could beat the fuck out of. Out of you.

[B]

Right?

[A]

They don't. I don't think that they. I think the majority of them are smart enough. There's a, there's a little gray area of dudes who would resort to violence. There are, there are. And a couple of them I know. But like, for the most part, you can bust balls with any of them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they'll all. They appreciate it. Like.

[B]

Well, they're probably used to people being afraid of them all the time.

[A]

Israel Adesanya is the. Inarguably, the. Probably the baddest motherfucker around.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Middleweight champion of the world. And I challenged him to a fight. I said I could kick his ass if we. Hold on, hold on. If. If we both started drinking the same time and we had to drink 12 beers and then get in the cage. And then. And then he kind of giggled and, like, sent me a text. Like, that's actually a interesting fight because I don't drink much, so, like. And I drink a lot, so. And so. Just fucking around.

[B]

That's your handicap.

[A]

But I. But it's just talking shit.

[B]

I don't mean your handicap. I mean, like, he would be at a deficit.

[A]

But that's. That's around on a podcast. And then I met him in New Zealand, and he. He dashed me up and, like, grabs me and, like, puts his hand behind my neck. Very big hands, very soft hands. Very big hands.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Catches and he throws a soft knee to my stomach, and he pulls me in tight. And he goes, you still think you can fuck me up? And I was like, oh, this was a miscalculation.

[B]

Also, he was holding on to.

[A]

He was holding me, and I wasn't moving. Yeah, I wasn't moving.

[B]

Yeah. But we ended up slow. Mo. Knee still hurt a little bit.

[A]

I bet.

[B]

He bet that's a bony knee.

[A]

He is. And his body moves with intention.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, you just scared me. He's not even here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you're like. If you were like, pete, you can go fight that guy. I just want you to know his body moves with intention.

[A]

The Diaz brothers. The Diaz brothers aren't, like, fair game. I wouldn't say you can make fun of, but, like, I think these are.

[B]

The twins from Breaking Bad.

[A]

No, no, no. This is Nick and Nate Diaz.

[B]

Nick and Nate, the home renovation guys?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The cousins. They do kitchens, and so, yeah, they should do a home renovation show.

[B]

And they break the walls themselves.

[A]

Yeah, dude, that's a great idea. In stock.

[B]

I feel like you could sell that tomorrow. It's like, it's MMA fighters, and they'll redo their home, but instead of using sledgehammers and stuff, they throw guys through the wall.

[A]

I just. And yeah, yeah, yeah. Demo's the part. The funnest part to watch. But then it would be cool to see their design choices.

[B]

Yes. That would show up for the demo, would stay for the horrible design, the reveal to, like.

[A]

To, like, a very artsy alternative couple that identifies as they thems.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then Nick and Nate Diaz are like, yo, leather walls.

[B]

What do you mean? You don't want black leather walls.

[A]

Yo, we made you a smoking porch. And they're like, what? They're notoriously big stoners. Right? So that's when you know they have a good sense of humor, is if they smoke pot. And Shane Gillis is good friends with, with Nate and, and I. Nate Diaz. Nate Diaz.

[B]

I'm just learning this.

[A]

But you don't, you don't like, you know, there's a, you know that if you say something, you have to really mean it as a joke. They have to. You, you want. That's the thing with tough guys. And I love.

[B]

They have to know your intent.

[A]

They have to know your intent because.

[B]

They, you and I only speak joking, but they also, these are guys that would pick up the frequency of like. Or maybe you know, you want to find out.

[A]

Well, they're like. Cuz there are some dudes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who do that. Of course there are guys. There are guys that we've dealt with in this business that think they're, they're comics and they think they're tough guys and they do like alpha shit to you sometimes. That's not cool.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

And then, and you go like, hold on. It's. I'm not going to hit you with the improv.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I would never hit you, but that is a weird thing to do.

[B]

Okay, so there's actually a lot of parallels here. I think when you show up in a situation I have to imagine, like most comics, you're not really interested in being the funniest person at the party, right?

[A]

Not at all. I, I, I most, I go the other way. Really?

[B]

I mean, no, no. I mean, I'm with you. I go, I go. People will be like, Pete's kind of quiet. You know what I mean? And if somebody is like, wants to juggle and do bits and stuff, I'm like, have at it.

[A]

Spill Kool Aid on my shirt.

[B]

You're still drinking the Kool Aid?

[A]

Yeah. What the. How am. I'm 50 and I'm still spilling Kool Aid on me. The. Are there other 50 year old men spilling Kool Aid on them?

[B]

They're spilling water, I think.

[A]

God damn it. Now it looks like I'm bleeding.

[B]

Here, give it to me.

[A]

Oh, thanks, Pete. Thanks Pete.

[B]

You're welcome.

[A]

Thanks Pete.

[B]

You're my guest.

[A]

Thanks, Pete.

[B]

Our guest. Be our guest with some Kool Aid on your chest. You're a man and you drink Kool aid and you're 50 at best. Oh, don't cough during my riffs. I'm just kidding. It actually feels pretty nice.

[A]

It's Kool Aid is so good, man.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

It's awesome.

[B]

Do you think that big talking picture has your best interests at heart?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

He's coming through your wall. First of all, that's how you know, he doesn't really give a, you know about you. After the transition, you walk into a.

[A]

Room and there's a lot of villains in the room, right? There's alcohol, there's cigarettes, there's, there's zins, there's a tobacco that like all the young dudes do. All the bar stool guys or Zen Zinzars.

[B]

Zening it up.

[A]

Zen it up. It's a little pouch. It's like a snoose.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And so there's tobacco, there's, there's drugs, there's Xanax, there's. Yeah, and then there's, and then there's Kool Aid. He goes, hey, man, you deserve a treat and I don't want to kill you. I mean, I'm not great for you, but do you want a little treat?

[B]

And you're like, oh.

[A]

And you're like. And then you go. And cuz I. Today I was like, I was like, I ate two edibles last night and I had a hard time turning the corner this morning. Oh.

[B]

Getting up.

[A]

And then I went and worked out really hard and I was just like. And I was like, I need a treat. I need something to like look forward to. So I made a Kool Aid and a gallon of Kool Aid and I'll sip it through the day. I can't wait. I love it. I love it so much.

[B]

It's interesting, when you drink it, does it take you back? I have a lot more on me.

[A]

But you have a lot more on you. Yeah, no, it takes.

[B]

Would you mind just getting a little. Because people are only going to see mine.

[A]

Yeah, I know, I know.

[B]

They're gonna be like, who's.

[A]

Yeah, you really took a fucking swing at it.

[B]

Commit to the bit.

[A]

Commit to the bit.

[B]

Commit to the bit. Let me ask you this. So you drink it. How much of it is nostalgia? Because I saw Tom making fun of you on Instagram and I loved it. I just loved how you, you kind of turn into like 15 year old version of you. Like your face reverts and it's very sweet and like he's laughing so hard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Something about Tom laughing. When he gets really laughing, you're almost like, what is he thinking that he's not saying? Like there's something terrible, a lot that he's thinking. There's worse things that he's not saying or thinking. But when you drink it, does it take you back to that time? Because I'm smelling it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's bringing me back to like Little League.

[A]

I think there's something about it that. That kind of bright. I feel like it brightens my day. Like, as I take a sip, I.

[B]

Go, yeah, I'm gonna. This is. This is gonna sound like placement. So you know what element is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Drink an element at night. Make a hot. Make a. Make a salt chocolate hot element at night. That's my. Instead of like a cocktail or weed or something. I sound so 44 right now, but I make my. The reason is I only do it at night. So when I make it, my brain goes. It's treat time. Even though it's a zero calorie hydration.

[A]

Multiplier that I love. We were doing element margaritas.

[B]

I believe that would be great.

[A]

They're fucking awesome.

[B]

I struggle not to drink, like five of them a day. That's my biggest problem with them, is I only want to drink that.

[A]

You know what else is really good is Liquid IV. Liquid IV is really good too.

[B]

I like Liquid IV, but it has sugar in it. It has like 11, 12 grams of sugar in it. Not a concern for Mr. Kool Aid.

[A]

But I'm not here. Not on my map. I'm not seeing that road.

[B]

I. I'm over here going, like, just strip it away. Element has no sugar. Now we're just. This sounds like a commercial, but no, no, I like.

[A]

I like element. I like liquid iv.

[B]

But liquid IV got me through covet. It helped me, like when I had covered liquid.

[A]

It really works. Like in the mornings, if you're hungover, you drink a liquid IV and you bounce back.

[B]

I would say put. Put a. Put an element to that test. Let's get that.

[A]

I'll do. I'll tell you what, I'll go strict element for a week and see how I feel.

[B]

There you go. I. I was. We were. You got something?

[A]

No, because I was.

[B]

We were talking about whether or not you're funny at a party.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Because I was saying that's if you know that you're funny, you don't have to prove it. These guys know that they're tough, so they don't have to prove it.

[A]

No, they don't.

[B]

That must be a nice little relief. But you were also starting to say, I think that people do fuck with them. I have to imagine in the same way, if I see you at a party and I'm just a regular guy, a non comedian, I mean, I might want to go up and be like, I was funnier than that guy.

[A]

Oh, there's. There's definitely guys that will. Will push and challenge because they Think they're not that fucking tough.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. And. And I've. I've seen it and then you've. And I've seen it. Like, I've seen, like, little wrestling matches go wrong. And. And really? Oh, yeah.

[B]

Little, like, good natured.

[A]

Like, good nature. Ribbing turn into like, whoa. He's up against the elevator. Like, what the fuck?

[B]

You can't. Well, you're talking about. They're in their body. If you. Sometimes I will get in a situation where my comedian reflex kicks out and suddenly I'm saying cunt or something.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I'm just like, oh, right. Most people don't jump to that.

[A]

We're at a point if you do the thing where you throw them against the elevator comedically.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

You're like, fuck it. I can beat any Asian in a foot race. Everyone's like, what the fuck? The fuck did he just say? Fuck it. Fuck it. You guys want to be funny? Let's be funny.

[B]

You want to be funny. It's like Michael Keaton. You want to get nuts? Let's get nuts. That's exactly. And that's. So you grab someone who's used to. In their body. Like, if. If I hand you something, like, you.

[A]

Your.

[B]

Your hand just goes out like, you know what I mean? And if I grab you, they just go into, like, some sort of stance.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And now a knee's going up.

[A]

They didn't mean it, dude. I. So if I go to a. It's funny. I've changed a lot. Back in the day, when I had nothing going on in my career, I would have to be the funny guy at the party.

[B]

Me too.

[A]

But when it was the worst, I was unbearable.

[B]

Me too.

[A]

I. I could argue. I could argue that I. I was unbearable.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And especially if there was a network exec there, buddy. I was pitching him shows. I. I couldn't shut the fuck up.

[B]

Let me join you. Let me join you in the shame pool. Guess who got real lit, real drunk and pitched a movie to Ben Stiller?

[A]

I love that.

[B]

I love that outside. It was at a meltdown party, and I even drunk, I saw on his face. You know, he's a good communicator with his face. His face said, please don't, please don't. He like, it was like kabuki theater. Like, back row would have known. Ben Stiller does not want to hear this movie idea.

[A]

That's fucking.

[B]

Isn't that crazy? So you would. So I'm with you. I used to. I would be excitable.

[A]

I'll Take it one further. I had a friend married to a network executive, and I couldn't understand how they didn't pitch their spouse all day long.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, I mean, that's what we do, right?

[B]

Right.

[A]

I was so bad. And then when I got a little. A little bit of success, I started very. Getting comfortable in my skin. And now I. Actually, there's been a couple parts, especially if I'm not drinking. I. I get to a party, and I am so quiet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That everyone say, what's. Everyone's. What's wrong with you?

[B]

What's wrong?

[A]

I go, nothing.

[B]

Yeah. You got to find that middle ground.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That middle. Which, by the way, speaking of balance, dude, for real, like, the most sincere compliment. I loved your movie.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

I fucking loved it. And let me. Let me make it even better. I think, as a compliment. I put it on, and I was like, I'll watch 10 minutes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, not. Not. Because I didn't think it would be good. I was just like, most things aren't for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I'll throw it on. Val's rocking the baby. I'll throw it on. Nope. Val comes down, we're starting this bitch again.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

But he loved it. I don't mean. I hate that I'm revealing that. I'm kind of like a lazy curmudgeon. I'm like, I just want to see some of the movies.

[A]

No, I know you get that. I get that because I do that with a lot of things.

[B]

But it wasn't a vote of no confidence in you. It was just kind of like, most things aren't for me.

[A]

I can see things coming a little ways ahead. Like, I can predict.

[B]

I thought I would be watching your movie and being like, and is this gonna happen? I was surprised.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you.

[B]

And I don't want to ruin it for anybody, but there's the moment in the elevator.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

We laughed, like, 10, Val and I alone. Meaning. I wish I had seen it in a theater. I might still go see it in the theater, but like, to see it with a group. And you are fucking great in it.

[A]

Thank you so much, Pete. That is a real compliment.

[B]

I'm so hard on other comics. I really am, like. Because I see what we do. I see how we're uncomfortable. We don't know how to connect if we're not talking in the scene, we're, like, frozen. You were making choices. You were loose in your body. You were in the scene. And I'm gonna tell you, here's. I'm sorry for all these compliments, but I really just want to get the word out. Like, I was like, I'll watch it as my friend. I'm gonna like it. And I loved it. And the thing that came to mind, I was like this. You're like our Tim Allen. You know what I mean? I was like, you're the Santa Claus. You're. That's.

[A]

That's offered a lot of Santa Claus roles. Shockingly. I didn't even mean that. I swear to God. I've gotten so many Santa Claus scripts. So many Santa Claus scripts that. Like Santa Claus scripts to a point. I was like, yeah. I was like, do I need to lose weight? Like, what's going on? They're like, no, it's. It's really a powerful thing to do a Christmas movie.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because they keep coming back, and that's what agents want you to do.

[B]

Right. But yeah, it's built in. Into the.

[A]

Thank you so much, Pete.

[B]

That means you from scene one. From scene one, I was like, with your family. And I saw you put vulnerability in it, too. That's the other thing. I was like, oh, I bet it's just. You know, I bet it's like a fun, wild movie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then there's all this heart in it, and there's all the. And you did the work as an artist.

[A]

That's. You're gonna make me cry.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

No, that is very sweet of you.

[B]

I. I almost texted you, but I was like, I'm gonna tell him on the show. And. And again, I'm embarrassed that I went in, just kind of being like, who knows? I shouldn't have doubted, but I was.

[A]

Like, I do that. I've done that. I've done that with a lot of things. Mostly, I do that with specials. I watch a lot of specials.

[B]

Well, that's. That's what it was. I watch a lot of specials, and I just go like, okay. That was.

[A]

And I can still like the person and be like, okay. And. And then. And.

[B]

And it's just not for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's the cleanest thing you can say. Go. I'm not. I'm not. I'm never going to talk about this person. Other people might love them, just not for me. And. And it's also fucking beautiful. It's shot beautifully.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

And the transitions and the subtitles. There's a lot of intention. It wasn't just. And this is why I'm happy to share this on the show. It wasn't just a movie that you can make. It's like it wanted to be a movie. It was Scotty Landis. They wrote this great script. You fucking nailed it. And you surrounded yourself with this cast. Is there a dud on that cast? It's fucking. Everyone is dope. We had a ball and we're tired. We have a four and a half year old. We need laughs. But going back to what I was saying, you know, your therapist wrote like deep insecurity, right. And then there's you talking about needing balance. And there's the real hurt, whether or not it's your father in real life. But there's a real hurt of parents not understanding.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And to play that out and to see you discover balance. I know this sounds like I'm blowing smoke, but I was like, you need that. Because I know what a Persona is. I know what it's like to go into my comedy power and I know what it's like to go into my daddy power. Like being a dad and being a partner and being a friend and being a just a regular person at the library. And like, I just really. I think it's a really great thing. And I hope, I hope. If you want to keep doing stuff like that, I hope you do.

[A]

Well, Pete, that is. I'm going to clip this out.

[B]

Send this to me.

[A]

I'm going to play this every time I feel low. Like you do feel low at times, regardless. And you go, man, what's going on with me? And then like, you know, pulling out today, a guy said to me, hey, man, I saw your movie. You guys didn't expect to say that. And he's like, my buddy's going through something. And he said it's exactly what he needed. And then you go, oh. And then you, like, it's hard because you want to close your eyes and go, I remember this compliment. Yeah. I want this compliment to stick with me for the day.

[B]

Well, that's what you should do, by the way.

[A]

Yeah, Well, I think of.

[B]

Because you have to. You have to hold on to it intentionally. A negative one. You don't have to try.

[A]

No. Yeah, right. You suck. Yeah. Hold on.

[B]

Can I tell you a story?

[A]

Please.

[B]

Larry David. This I got from Father Greg Boyle, who is a mentor of mine and a friend. He sounds show busy. And a friend. I just mean I love him to death, that's all.

[A]

I mean, is he a real priest?

[B]

He's a real priest, yeah.

[A]

Good. I like him.

[B]

Jesuit.

[A]

Yeah, I'm a Jesuit. Yeah, okay.

[B]

Yeah. If you don't know Father Greg Boyle, read, Listen to Tattoos on the Heart. You will love it.

[A]

Really.

[B]

And you should be giving to homeboys and Homeboy Industries.

[A]

Wait, is he the homeboy?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, shut the up.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. We should do a benefit. And I do it in a heartbeat.

[A]

I've stopped by them. They used to be in American Airlines. I don't know if they are.

[B]

Yeah, they're still there.

[A]

But I used to stop there all the time.

[B]

I would, but the line is usually too long.

[A]

The lines are crazy long. Yeah.

[B]

So he told this story in his book, Barking to the Choir, and I. And I'm going to put it back to you because I don't want to talk too much, but I am excited to tell you how much I loved your movie. So Larry David. Larry David goes to a Yankee game and it's his birthday. And his friends or whoever he's with tell the management that Larry David is there and that it's his birthday. So seventh inning stretch, they put him on the Jumbotron. There he is, Larry David, standing ovation. The whole. However many tens of thousands of people that is, or if it's 10, I don't know. It's a lot of people standing ovation for Larry David, which, by the way, I believe, because my father, he transcends everything.

[A]

And he's. And he is New York.

[B]

Yeah, and he's New York. So they go nuts. Standing ovation. Then, as if that weren't enough, they sing Happy Birthday. The whole stadium sings Happy Birthday to him. Another ovation. Pretty nice, right?

[A]

Really nice.

[B]

Larry David gets out. He's feeling pretty good. Goes to his car. He's getting in his car. Someone drives by, goes, hey, Larry, you suck. And he goes, why? That's all I had from that night. That's all he got from that night. Was that guy, one person. Why isn't that crazy?

[A]

Yeah. Why does that happen?

[B]

I'll tell you. There's. It's. It's called the Velcro Teflon theory, and it's. It's neuroscience, I guess you could say, or psychology. So a negative one. You suck. Is like Velcro. It sticks to you effortlessly. This doesn't answer the why, but they've. They've just, you know, studied it. And Teflon, you know, it slips right off. I say, your movie is great. So the trick is when someone says you're great to, like, meditate on. I don't mean, like meditate. I mean, like, think about it for 30 seconds. They say that's how long it takes to make the Velcro. Make the Teflon Velcro.

[A]

Yeah. You know what my problem was is I. I stopped a while ago. I stopped reading reviews of anything I did. When I wrote a book. When I wrote a book and my wife was like, hey, you got a good review of your book. And I said, I don't want to read the good ones if I read the good ones and I got to read the bad ones.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they got. And I gotta. I gotta value me equally.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I go. And I. And for whatever reasons, the negative reviews of that book weighed so much heavier on me than the positive one. Reviewed it.

[B]

People went out of their way to write a negative review.

[A]

It's really interesting. It's really interesting that, like, you know, I've never. I've never left a. I've never left like a. A negative comment.

[B]

Yeah. What are you doing? Who are the people leaving one star reviews on a lighter on Amazon, like. But they're out there.

[A]

I wanna take that back. I left one negative Yelp review and the guy lost his business.

[B]

What.

[A]

I know. And I. And I. And I've learned. I learned from that moment. He reached out to me. He connected with me. I did. I was in Baltimore. I landed. I landed. I took the red eye. I landed. And now it's like 10 in the morning. And I go, I'm fucking. I'm not done. I'm going to have another beer and some lunch and I'm going to go sleep. I'll do my show tonight. And so I go across the street to this restaurant. I say to the guy, hey, what's good? What do you recommend? What's good to drink? And he goes, bud Light. And the bartender. And I went, okay, is there anything. Got anything on tap? And he goes, it's right there. And I went, okay. I said, well, do you have any local IPAs? And he was like, heineken? And I went, all right, I'll take a Heineken. So I get a Heineken. I said, well, what do you. I said, local? I go, yeah, exactly. I go, do you have any. What do you recommend for lunch? Like, what's really good? And he goes, turkey sandwich. And I said, okay. And he brings out the most bland turkey sandwich in the entire fucking world. And I said, and is there a.

[B]

Worse bad sandwich than turkey?

[A]

It's.

[B]

When turkey goes south, it's so bad, Pete. Yes. It's sucking the moisture from your mouth.

[A]

It looks like. It looks like it's so bad. And it's so. And it's just a little smattering of fries. I had to ask for, like, condiments. I go, do you have any, like, tomatoes or onions or lettuce or pepper?

[B]

And it was just turkey.

[A]

It's just turkey and bread. And I go. And he goes, it's gonna be extra. And I went, okay. I go, I just want it to be good. And he goes, you haven't even tried it. And I was like, he didn't say.

[B]

You haven't tried it.

[A]

And so I try it, and I go, there's nothing on this. Can I get all this stuff? And he was like, yeah. He was such a dick that I.

[B]

Went on Yelp, you haven't even tried it. It's something your mom says to you.

[A]

I bet you can find this negative review. I bet you can find it. And I leave a review on Yelp, and then literally Tuesday, I'm doing Rogan, and Rogan says, who the fuck? What kind of idiot leaves a negative review on Yelp? I go, I just did the other day. And you told the story. And I told the story, and I read the Yelp review. And then the dude that owns a restaurant calls me. He goes, hey, man, I've invested my life in this business, and you just fucking ruined my business. Like, my Yelp is destroyed. Everyone's commenting negatively. Like, I wish you would have just come to me personally and said, hey, your bartender sucks. I would have fired him.

[B]

Oh, it wasn't him.

[A]

It wasn't him.

[B]

I thought it was him.

[A]

It wasn't him.

[B]

It was just a bad bartender.

[A]

Bad bartender. And he goes, dude, I got rid of the guy. Can you please get rid of your comment? And I was like, well, my intention wasn't to ruin your business. My intention was. I was frustrated, and I just wanted to, like. Yeah, I wanted. I wanted to land somewhere.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like, well, you got it.

[B]

You got it.

[A]

And he's like, they're coming after me, man. My fucking phone's ringing. People, like. People are, like, harassing me. I mean, it was bad right when Rogan started getting big. And so. So I know. I learned from that. I was like, oh, I. You don't. You don't really benefit. You don't really benefit. Sometimes, like a Molotov cocktail, you throw, but you throw it, and then you walk away and you. It. I don't give a. And then sometimes you don't realize what that effect has on people. So I stopped leaving negative comments. As a matter of fact, I started leaving positive. I started finding the positive in Yelp.

[B]

Well, that's the problem, is if people are happy. This is, like, a thing in business. If somebody likes your product, 1 out of 10, like, will write a positive comment. Someone doesn't like it. It's like one out of two will write a negative comment.

[A]

And so if you go, you can find my Yelp reviews. I wonder if I have it on my phone. I have. I give. I give.

[B]

Oh, you're out there. You're out there.

[A]

When I like something, I Yelp it, and I Yelp it really good. Like, I really Yelp it. Hang on. I'll see if I got. I'll see if I have any of my. Any of my. Do my glasses, Pete. I do. I.

[B]

Different beat.

[A]

Let me see me. Bert K. Wow. That's all the things I've done. I left such a glowing fucking Yelp review.

[B]

Now I'm worried. Worried I've. I don't think I've left a negative one.

[A]

I'm gonna look it up.

[B]

How do you do it? You click me. Me reviews.

[A]

Where are your reviews? Me. Where do you see reviews?

[B]

You scroll down. Oh, here we go. To the Balanced Brain Neurofeedback. That's a neurofeedback place here in la. I just said John is the best. Neurofeedback is easy, comfortable, and even a little bit fun. What am I, a little precocious little elf? Even a little bit fun.

[A]

Okay, you ready?

[B]

And Sacred Chow. I don't know what that is. Five years ago, hit me with yours. I said, amazing food, great vibe, friendly staff. Try the lentil meatloaf. A wonderful new vegan option in a great location. Smiley face.

[A]

Pete, you're gonna.

[B]

This is more embarrassing than me bitching a movie to Ben Stiller.

[A]

Get ready to get creeped out. It was a Monday night.

[B]

No, no, it's not as. But is this a Noir?

[A]

The winds were whipping sand into the street, and I was starving.

[B]

The winds were whiffing sand into the street.

[A]

As I looked on Yelp, everything was closed except for the Lookout Bar and Grill. I have to be honest, I didn't expect much at first. A beautiful bartender named Beverly welcomed us inside. She accommodated my weird drink choice. Double Tito's and soda, big glass, no lime, with three cherries, please. We giggled over the cherries.

[B]

We giggled over the cherries.

[A]

I have a cardiologist appointment next week.

[B]

That's in there?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, no, no. Are you telling me this? Are you reading the review? You're just letting it Rip. I have a cardiologist appointment next week.

[A]

So I'm trying to be healthy, but I looked at the Lookout burger and thought, one more time. One more time.

[B]

What is this, Bukowski?

[A]

One more time is the phrase that ran through my head as I took bites of the best burger I've ever had in my entire life. First bite, absolutely delicious. Half pound patty with brioche bun, all fresh lettuce, tomato, bacon, fried egg.

[B]

Unlike a certain place I won't mention one more time.

[A]

Next bite. Their homemade sauce flooded my mouth. My eyes rolled in the back of my head like a shark in the harbor. Next to me. One more time. I took a sip of my drink.

[B]

There's a refrain. There's a refrain. One more time.

[A]

All I could do was eat half the fries. Fresh, crisp, yet soft. Like a lover you'd meet on a dock on a windy night. Everything about this evening was perfect. From Beverly to the burger to the cocktails. All I have to say to you is one more time. One more time, One more time.

[B]

You, my friend, have delivered today.

[A]

Seriously. The mozzarella sticks are pretty addictive. And the burger was legit. The fish and chips are pretty good. I'm coming back.

[B]

Wait, at the end, you sort of broke Tone.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You're like, all narrative aside.

[A]

Look out, Bar and Grill. Look out, Bar and Grill in Oxnard.

[B]

Look out where it is.

[A]

Look out, Bar and Grill. Beverly was fucking dope. The. The. I mean, I. Brenda's self sufference soul food restaurant in San Francisco. Fucking insane. I did one. I can't remember. I did one. I did one. The one I did was. Was wild. Was about a fucking. I love when you. But when a meal's good, I love to take that time and really.

[B]

Oh, you were feeling. You were like Beyonce in that.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You were feeling yourself.

[A]

It's so much more fun than being like, this place sucks.

[B]

Can I offer something? A question?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Was. And this is really a question about life. Was that burger so good?

[A]

Because.

[B]

What's up?

[A]

Pete was with me. I remember you writing, Pete was with me. Well, yeah.

[B]

By candlelight, with a. With a feather.

[A]

How great is that burger? That fucking burger is so good. On my mouth watering. I swear to God that. That burger is so good. That burger is so good. It's so good. It's so good because they really make it. It's not frozen. It's fresh. Everything's fresh.

[B]

You mean they're grinding it in the back?

[A]

Dude, they make the burger I had the other night. Who the made that burger? What Just. Oh, my God. I'm thinking about burgers now. I'm having a burger for lunch today. I'm having a fucking. One more time. One more time. One more time. One more time.

[B]

Well, my qu. This sort of. The answer seems to be, it was a great burger. How much did. The fact that you're like, look, I have a cardiologist appointment next week. Is there anything better than playing hooky? Like, you broke a rule and you. And you indulged. And that's one I used to have a joke I never did on stage, but I was like, nobody has better sex than the repressed Christian. Oh, yeah, because you're like, I'm gonna burn in hell for this. Have you ever blown up. I'm gonna blow in hell.

[A]

Nut I've. I've had the. I've had.

[B]

There's no better jizz than the I'm going to hell for this jizz or.

[A]

And that's what your burger was. My brain was. My brain was always the I'm getting AIDS and she's getting pregnant sex.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

That's where my brain.

[B]

We're about the same age. I used to think I could give myself AIDS from masturbating because that's.

[A]

That's how crazy I thought masturbating meant you were gay. And so I just came to terms with being gay. I was like, I guess I'm gay because I can't stop this.

[B]

Yeah. I just. If that.

[A]

If those are the choices, if this is the choice. Yeah, I'm gonna. I'm gonna play with my dick. I can't stop playing with it. I've tried.

[B]

I'm Liberace. I'm a Liberace of masturbation. I can't stop giving this guy a hand job.

[A]

I can't stop.

[B]

And I would blow it if I could.

[A]

Oh, I would have a very quiet life if I could suck my dick. You would see me seldomly. So where's Burt? Sucking his dick again. You know, that's all he does now.

[B]

Oh, I would have a very quiet life.

[A]

I have a friend. I'll tell you. I'll tell you his name. All fair. Who can suck his own dick. No, you don't. Yeah. Wait till I tell you who he is. And I said to him, wait, what's it like sucking your own dick? He goes, well, I'll tell you this. It feels. It feels.

[B]

I'll tell you this.

[A]

He goes, it feels less like a blowjob and more like there's a dick.

[B]

In your mouth that Is truly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What I would imagine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, that is. That is funny. Okay, so we were talking about the need for comedy. I was telling you that I. It's in the movie as well. Like, what you do. That's the other thing. I don't want to sound like your agent, but the movie is so you. It, like, helped me. I've known you for a long time, but it, like, I was like, oh, I think I understand you more. That's what I was trying to get at.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, like that you put some heart in it. And then you had someone explain to you in the movie. Like, you explained it to yourself, actually, which is a very sweet scene and very funny, too. I can't stop thinking about when he says, is our wife hot? I thought, thank you for not cutting that. And blessings to your wife for being cool with it. Because it's so funny.

[A]

It was. Well, a lot of. That's just.

[B]

Is it riffing?

[A]

Yes, Jimmy, it's just us riffing.

[B]

Because you. The performance on that specifically. I'll spoil. Just. It won't ruin it.

[A]

But you're.

[B]

He said your young self says, is our wife hot? And you're like, you know. Yeah, well, she's 50. And he's like, you married a 50 year old? Well, she was 30 when we married her. And then you're like. But, you know. And like, you really go do the math on camera. And like, my wife's like a smokestack. Like, why are you making up me defend our wife? Like, it's so funny.

[A]

Well, we didn't have a scene together and we wanted at all. We didn't realize that we wrote the whole movie.

[B]

And then you didn't realize during shooting.

[A]

And during shooting, we're like, wait, Jimmy and I don't have a scene together? And they're like, fuck.

[B]

Because the pot brownie leads to it so perfectly.

[A]

Well, so. So then we crammed it in. We just crammed. We crammed it. There's. I could really get into the weeds on this. I could really, like, spoiler alert. There's so many interesting things that happened in the making of this movie. But. And so we realized we needed a scene, and so we're like, what if? There's got to be, like, a flashback scene or something. Like, what if? And so then we kind of shoehorned it in a little bit so that we could get a scene in.

[B]

And that's not a flashback.

[A]

No, it's a. It's a. No, the.

[B]

The weed thing.

[A]

It's the weed thing. The tripping scene.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it worked great. And it was just. It was just on the fly. We had. Jimmy was in town and we brought him out to the. Because we were shooting something else in the forest that day, and we just brought him out.

[B]

It was so good.

[A]

And we were just like. And we just. I think we talked the scene through but one.

[B]

Okay. One of the keys of gratitude for me is talking to however old he's supposed to be. 20.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

20 year old you. And when you're like, you're really good at making people laugh and like, that works. And it comes from. I'm not trying to get too, you know, psychological here, but, like, if I could go back and be like, Pete, you know how uncomfortable you are? You know what I mean? You know how you can't quite settle into things that everyone else seems to settle into so easily?

[A]

Do you know how you can't lean in for a first kiss? And instead you just keep. You let everyone leave and you keep making jokes and then you sit on the couch going, I should have said that. That was me. I could not. I could not close a first kiss.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

And so adversely, I ended up staying up all night long with everyone.

[B]

Buddy. I used to script, I'd have a sleepover with my friend Earn, and I'm like, okay, we're starting high school tomorrow, so the eighth grade. I'm like, let's say you fall in the hallway and everyone sees you.

[A]

What.

[B]

What would you say? Because I was scripting reality.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's why, of course, I want to write scripts and write jokes. That's what it is. It's going like, what if I got to tell you what reality was? But it comes from a place of discomfort.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For you as well.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

So to be able to tell yourself like, that works out like, it's okay. And by the way, you don't have to be a comedian for that to work out that that vulnerability attracts your partner, it develops your skills, it defines your friend group, it defines the city you live in. All these things defines how you drive. So, like, your life worked out like, those things. What I'm saying is you don't have to be a famous comedian with a movie to go like, hey, it's okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who you are is okay. I'm older you. And I'm telling you, we figured it out. We found that balance.

[A]

It's funny. I. I think of that a lot about. I think more people need to know it's okay that they're them. Like, I Mean, like, we can, we can very easily say that that's what the coolest thing about this generation of children with sexuality and finding their self on a spectrum of sexuality and exploring their sexuality. That is cool. The fact that you're a young gay kid. I say, dude, only because I grew up with meatheads. But the fact that you can be a young gay high schooler as a boy and feel comfortable in your skin, it's really important. But there's more people that need. There's. That needs to go even further. I think there's so many people that they hate what they are and they don't know the right way to get to the right place. That's why I love, like, dudes. Like, you know, I find I draw a lot of inspiration from, from guys like Cameron Haynes and David Goggins and Jesse Itzler and like these guys that do these ultra marathons and, and things because they, they. I met a guy, I met a guy in Florida and I said, he, I thought he recognized me. And we were talking, he was driving me to go play tennis in, in a cart. And I said, what podcast you listen to? And he's, I don't listen to podcasts. And I said, what? Really? And he was like, yeah, why do you. Do you have one of those? And I was like, okay, all right. I said, well, what, like you in a comedy?

[B]

How many bears do you like in a camp?

[A]

Yeah. Zero. I was like, I'm waiting for him to go. I listen to your podcast, right? I just thought, I thought he knew me, the way he was talking, and he's just a very nice guy. And I said, do you want, like, what do you, what do you, what are you into? And he said, nothing. I said, well, what do you listen to? And he goes, nothing. I said, like music? He goes, oh, I like music. I said, what bands? He goes, well, whatever's on the radio. And I went, hold on. You just get in the car and whatever's on the radio you listen to. And he was like, yeah. And I was like, well, wait. And then I got. I was like, sweet, you don't have any interests. And I was like, wait. I go, what's your five year plan? And he goes, I don't know, open like an ice cream store or like sort of restaurant or maybe, I don't know. And I was like, wait, you really don't know where you're going? And I was like, fuck.

[B]

And then we widened to reveal you guys just drive into a lake. Like, he doesn't Even know where you're driving.

[A]

But I was like. I was like. I was like, wow, that's crazy. Like, you don't have any. Like, you don't have any. I was. When I found comedy, I was like, I got my thing. Yeah, I got. I got my thing.

[B]

No, having a purpose. Having a purpose that aligns with your talent is one of the great keys to life. And I'm a spiritual person. I would tell you, at your core, you are made of peace and joy, and you can tap into that. Psychologically speaking, as a human being, though, in this plane, this reality that nothing beats something that you feel you have to do it. And when you're good at that and you get good at that. Neither of us were good. You get good at it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you get, like, this weird feeling of, I belong and I'm being psychologically delivered.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Keep going.

[A]

My agent called this morning, and I said, what are you doing? And it's. This sounded so sexy to me. He goes, well, I'm in my office. French Open semifinals are on. It's fucking great. I went, ooh, how cool to have a thing. To have a thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How cool to get excited to go to work, to turn on the semifinals and be like, oh, shit. Nice point. And then get back to work. And I was like. And I was like, oh, like, if I opened a college, it wouldn't be about. It was just, like, helping people find their things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just. Let's do a bunch of shit today.

[B]

Find your smile.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From what about Bob?

[B]

City Slickers.

[A]

Oh, City Slurs. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's in your movie. It's in your movie. Yeah. Find your smile. But, you know, let's talk about that guy in that golf cart, because there's a great line, and I think it's in the Book of Dao or the Dao Te Ching. But it's. It. I think about it all the time. It goes like this. The great way, meaning enlightenment, whatever you want to call it. Being at peace. The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. Right. That. That's one to just carry with you as you walk through the woods. Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. Now, I have a preference that this interview be interesting. I have a preference that I not go too long so you and I can get on with all this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's not actually true, because I'm just talking to you.

[A]

That's.

[B]

I can drop those preferences, and that brings me great joy. So this guy. There's two ways it can Go on the surface one is, this guy is a fucking like a monk in the world. And he's just like, just what's on the radio? Just, I'm just enjoying this drive. I, I, I hate to say this, but I doubt it. There's also a level of passivity where it's not even, like, I would say, be active and deliberate and intentional in your passivity, Meaning I listen to what's on the radio because it's a reflection. How you do anything is how you do everything. And I'll just, I'll enjoy any music. The music that's on in the Quiznos that's very electric, that's alive. And then there's a passivity that's almost dead, where you're like, yeah, I don't know, man. Yeah, because that ice cream shop doesn't exist.

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

That restaurant doesn't exist.

[A]

I don't think it's going to happen. For a guy that does. You need.

[B]

And if it does, God help us.

[A]

It's so funny. I didn't.

[B]

What if that became the bar, the. No tomato bar.

[A]

I didn't see the, I didn't see the. I didn't see the absolute bliss in his life, that is. I'm certain he doesn't have Instagram. Yeah, he probably just gets up. Maybe he smokes a bowl.

[B]

Well, that, that I'm smelling some weed.

[A]

On this, I guess.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And, but it was really interesting because I thought I have so much, I have so many, I have so many goals and I have so many, so much to. That I focus on, on a daily basis. I think about music drives me, like, music, music. Will. This morning I woke up and I was watching my own stories. I, I was like, because you don't post them, so you're so. Well, no, I post, I post them. But I have someone that posts all the other stuff, like, all the. You can tell which ones I did because it's me. But I'm checking to see, like, if we've promoted Forest Hills. If, like, we've promoted Baltimore. Like, I'm just checking to see what's up. I'm looking at my stories and I see me come into the office yesterday and go, hey, Alexa, play Go Go's Whatever song. And. And then my Alexa hears it and my Alexa starts playing it. I went, oh, that's so funny. And so then I said, I said, if you. So if I say this in my phone, it's gonna play when people are watching their stories, when they wake up, if they're watching it. And then their Alexa is gonna pick. So I said, I get to pick what song we all listen up to for the people to follow me.

[B]

You're the world's dj.

[A]

And I was like. And I was like, rambling gambling man. And then I just fucking let that music drive me. And I. And I thought to myself today. And then immediately I. I get. I jump in the pool. I walk out of my room playing. Listen that music. Jump in the pool, go and talk to Leanne. My agent calls and he's like, I'm watching this. And I thought of that kid and I thought, I wonder how he wakes up. I wonder what. I wonder if he just.

[B]

Well, that's what I'm talking about. Intentionality. Even if you are going to be a low. A zero footprint monk. Yeah, that monk is brimming with intentionality. Why am I being quiet? Why am I not on Instagram? Why am I whatever it is. So you can be very deliberate David Goggins or you can be a very deliberate Thich Nhat Hanh. But intentionality, I think, is a deal breaker. I think if you don't have it, you can't just kind of like smoke a bowl into passivity. That's different from what. Yeah, like a deeply dipped in person would be doing. I think I could be completely full of shit.

[A]

I don't know. I know. I wish I could. Do. I have a hard time just sitting. I like. I do. I do my gratitudes in the morning.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Usually before my trainer comes, I'll try to get outside if it's light and just let the sun hit my face and do my gratitudes. And then. But this morning I wrote them down.

[B]

Cubing it up.

[A]

What?

[B]

Huber?

[A]

Yeah. No, no, I got it from.

[B]

Oh, the sunlight in the face is.

[A]

A. Oh, no, that's Huberman. That's Huberman. Yeah, that's Huberman. My gratitudes I got from Rob Dyrdek.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because he.

[B]

Does he do that too?

[A]

He. And so the. My gratitudes. One of the gratitudes says one of them today was I do. I do write by others. Like, meaning I want the best for everyone.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, that's a cool thing that I know that about myself. Like, I don't wish bad on anybody. And I.

[B]

And yeah, well, that's. That's what comes through in your movie and talking to you now. And it's funny, when I did your cooking show, I got really hooked, like, almost obsessed.

[A]

I love Jonathan Kite now. Who? Jonathan Kite.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I follow Him. He's got a great podcast. We were talking about people. Yeah, no, I didn't mean to. By the way, you introduced me to him. No, I follow him on Instagram now. He's hilarious. Keep going. I'm sorry, Jonathan.

[B]

Cat is fantastic. In fact, would you send me a reminder? We've been meaning to have him on the pod. I don't know why that hasn't happened yet. Please. Thank you. Katie, do you remember I was really, like, honing in that you were telling me that you were kind of stressed about your life, and I was over here going, like, you make this much money a weekend, and you know what it was, is I was like, if you can't do it, what hope do any of us have meaning? Do our lives just keep expanding? Meaning, okay, I'm gonna make up. I don't want anybody in your business. We'll just make up numbers and be like, you do make a thousand dollars to do a show, and there's four weekends in a month, and you get $4000. So you rent an apartment that's $1500, and the rest are expenses and a little bit of savings. Then your. Your ticket comes in. Let's say now you're making a hundred thousand dollars, but then you get an apartment that's $250,000. You know what I'm saying? Like, expands.

[A]

Everything expands.

[B]

And I do this too, but I hold out, and maybe I'm deluding myself that I'm like, yeah, but next train that comes in will cool it. It's. It's like the cowboys that go, one last heist, and then I'll retire.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[B]

Talk about that.

[A]

Sometimes I feel like. Feel like the Blow, the movie Blow.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Johnny Depp goes in and he goes, all right, one last hit. And then I get money to retire. And I get my. And I've said. I've said that, actually. I've said that a number of times. Yeah, I've invested in a few companies, and. And we. They're doing very well. And we were driving over the hill to do a podcast, and I said, man, if these companies do well and I can sell them and I can get out, yeah, I'm done. Like, I'm done. And. And they were like, what do you mean you're done? I go. They go, you mean you're done touring? I go, no, no, I just. I'm just. Won't tour as hard. And they're like, wait, what about the business? We just started a business, Birdie Boy Productions, where we're producing Stuff. And we're marketing, doing marketing and social media for other comedians. And I said, no, I'll do that. Like, I'll come into the office and do that. And they're like, well, hold on, will you not do movies? You go, no, I'll do movies. And they're like, wait, you're not done. I think there's this. Yeah, I think there's an imaginary finish line in my head with a number that a number has to define. I thought, I thought I knew the number. I really thought I knew the number.

[B]

Like Walter White.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, I thought I knew the number. And then I just keep pushing that ahead, going, let's get a little more. Let's do this. Let's do this. Let's do Fully Loaded. And then, and then let's do our fall tour, and then let's go in and we'll shoot a movie in January, we'll shoot a TV show in March, and then I'll do one more tour. And then I just start. Like, I'm supposed to take seven weeks off. Right after we do Fully Loaded, I'm supposed to take seven weeks off. And in that process, I've committed to. No, mind you, it's seven weeks completely, completely off. In those seven weeks, one of them. I was going to go to a, a silent retreat. I had plans, like, I was going to silent read. There's like a, like a rehab facility like that where you don't drink, you don't do drugs, you, you stay. It's in Malibu. It's like, it's not like a. Out inpatient or anything, but it's. You just really healthy. It's a reset. And you go like on hikes and you work out. Yeah, it's. Maybe it's like fat camp, but like. Yeah, but it's no drugs and alcohol. And I was just. I wanted to go there. It's like 10 days. I wanted to go there and fucking reset. I wanted to do a lot of things. I've signed up to produce a disc golf tournament. I am, I mean, I'm producing a special for fucking. I'm producing a special. I signed up to produce a TV show. I signed like, I've signed up for everything and I just, I just cannot.

[B]

And I'm with you, and I think humanity is with you. So if the issue isn't money, and I'm saying, let's figure this out together, please. When I, when I did your cooking show, I was kind of going like, why can't he figure this out? I want us to Figure this out now. If it's not money, what is it? What are we really missing? Like, what would help us slow down? You know what I'm saying? Is it. Is it the juice? The chase?

[A]

Like, there's a little bit of. There's a little bit. I feel like, do you ever. Do you ever see? I. I, growing up in Florida, one of the big things that I always do grow up, every day I get in my pool, I try to swim back and forth, holding my breath underwater. It's just a real. It's like a stupid Florida test of, like, can you. I do it with my girls. We do it with everyone.

[B]

I. I was also a soft boy. I still am a soft boy, but I mean, like, I was the softest boy. The little butterball turkey in the swim group. And that was the big kids challenge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I loved it. I feel like something about my insulation helped me hold my breath longer or I needed it more than those skinny. I don't know what it was, but I'm with you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I still. I have a pool. I do that. I still love it.

[A]

And sometimes I will get down to one side and I'll go, I still got more in me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'll turn around and give it a. I go, I know. One good push. And then. Yeah. And so I feel. And it's that, one more time, one more hit, dude. One more tour. Because right now, I'm at a place where I go. So I did. I'm doing an arena tour. I'm doing only arenas for the whole year. And then I go, well, I'm not. Like, I'm being very honest right now, and I know that people may sometimes use my honesty as weakness, but I go, so do I. Do I do, Do I do.

[B]

Maybe if it gets clipped, like, do I. Once it's on Instagram, I'm out. I can't vouch for the fans.

[A]

There I go. Do I do another. I mean, what do I do? Another arena tour? I mean, like. Or do. Do you go back to do theaters and. And if you do theaters, are. Your money's gonna go down. Are you cool with your money going down? Do you do a club tour and do clubs? Because then if you do clubs, you gotta get rid of the tour bus, but because it just isn't cost effective and you're. Because you're there for the weekend. Like, what? Like. And then I was like, so wait, like, I don't mean this. I don't mean this arrogant, but, like, we're at a place in Comedy, all of us, where we're really seeing uncharted territories. Guys like me never did arena tours. Guys like Chappelle live in arenas. Yeah. No, it's. It's weird. Like, I don't know where. Where to go with this. And I don't know what to do. And I don't know. I don't know. Like, I mean, I'm super hungry. Like, that's. The other part is like. Like Ali Wong, like the great comics of our generation. Ali Wong and Sebastian and fucking Bill Burr and all the greatest.

[B]

They fucking for Bill Burr. Fucking goddamn Bill.

[A]

God damn. But all the great comics of our generation kind of take a lot of time off. Yeah. Like, and. And. But I was never them. I was a guy who did every fucking weekend. I did every weekend. That's what I do. I do stand up. I do it every week.

[B]

But that's what I would want for you, is I want you to get the update to your phone. The phone that is Bert, that I have. You know what I mean? I feel like I've updated how I see you. And I, you know, this is a little therapy is. I suppose, but I think the way we all see you now, we're not even taking into account all of those, like, shadows and echoes that you're still holding on to. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, you're still seeing. Seeing the guy that needs to hustle and break. And I'm over here going, like, ali Wong at baby. She. I see her tour dates. They don't give me a panic attack sometimes. The idea that you're going every weekend.

[A]

Yeah, I go every weekend. I go every weekend. But what is it Allie told me one time, she goes, you know, hey, by the way, I'm sorry, Ali, if I'm sharing secrets, but she goes, you're on tour every fucking weekend. I said, yeah. And she goes, it doesn't go away. And in my head, I was like, it fucking definitely does. Like, I've seen it go away for people. I want to enjoy it as long as I can.

[B]

I remember when you saying that to me. And this, I can't know if this is true. But you also can't know if yours is true, Meaning we're both predicting the future, which is stupid. Neither of us can know. But I am over here going, like, I think the foundation of your house is a lot more sturdy than you may think it is. And that's just a loving word. Keep going out every weekend. Do it. Like, I think you're an energizing Joy giving person. But I'm also like, I think you could just psychologically relax. I don't think they're gonna go away.

[A]

No, I, I don't think they're gonna go away. But I feel like, I feel like if I get out of the cycle of doing specials, like right now I'm doing a special roughly every 18 months, and they're each doing better than the one before them. And. And then I feel like if I'm. If I get out of the cycle of creating material, I might get lazy. And then I remember watching great comics kind of fall apart when they just stopped. The fire wasn't there. I hear what you're saying and I, And I'll say this from just from my perspective. Razzle Dazzle was the best thing I've ever done. And I went. And then I go. And I'm in this place where I go, what do we learn from it? How do we move forward? How do we do something better? You know, I. There's. I've drawn inspiration from a lot of great comics, and what I've noticed in great comics is they keep putting out specials and they challenge themselves to do better. And so I go, so if, if I'm going to do that, I'm not. I don't know. I just keep going. I'm not. I can't take a year off. Like, I'm supposed to take seven weeks off. And I'm like, but I can do sets in the city, right? And Leanne's like, well, that's kind of the idea is like, we're going to just take some time off.

[B]

A lot of this is very black and white, though. It's seven weeks off for every weekend. Like. And I say this just as your friend.

[A]

I either drink or I don't drink at all.

[B]

I know, but. And I'm not. I'm saying this. It takes one to.

[A]

No one.

[B]

That's addict mentality. We're very black and white.

[A]

Oh, yeah, no, yeah.

[B]

No, that's not me pointing a finger. That's not.

[A]

Oh, I'm. Oh, I'm. You don't need to point fingers.

[B]

You know how I quit drinking? I just was like, I quit drinking. That's. And that's what we do.

[A]

That's what I do.

[B]

We go off.

[A]

I quit drinking. And then I go, I quit drinking. And then someone goes, you want a glass of wine? I go, I'm not drinking. And I go, but it's a glass of wine. I go, hey, guys, we can either do this or not do this.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's right. Yeah. Like.

[B]

And you're that way with comedy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But my question for you, and my question for me is, is there a Bert who goes out once a month or twice a month, every other weekend?

[A]

No. Why. Why even go out at all? Like, that's what I literally, you know, that's a very fucking accurate, accurate assessment.

[B]

What is the voice of that thought, though? I am not enough. I'm bad. I'm lazy. I'm wasting a gift. This is an opportunity. I'm in the candy shop. I should eat as many handfuls of Skittles as I can because they're going to realize I'm a fraud.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Which one?

[A]

Probably the fraud part. Yeah. People are going to realize, like, he wasn't that good.

[B]

It's really interesting.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, listen, I know that. That these aren't supposed to say, as a comic, like, no comics talking this way. And I. And I. I'm aware of that. And I realize I. The. The exposure. I'm showing my neck in this. But, like, I. I have to work harder than everyone else to be even in the same conversation. I think, like, I have to work twice as hard to be as good as Segura because I can say him because he's my best friend.

[B]

Fat Tom.

[A]

Fat Tom. I have to be. I have to work twice as hard to be as good as he is. And I have to work twice as hard in clubs and. And on the road to be as. As good like, like, as. As the. As the. As the people I want to aspire to.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I. I look. I look up to everyone. I don't know what that is. I had this syndrome when I was a kid when I always thought everyone was older than me. Everyone. I remember hanging out. I remember hanging out with this kid at tennis camp. His name was Jay. And I was like, he was the coolest dude. Coolest. A little shorter than everyone else, older than me. He could break dance, and we were cool. He was cool as. And. And he was working me a little bit. Like he. Like I had some money in the. In the commissary. Not commissary, but, like, at the snack. I had a credit. A snack bar, and I would get him Mentos. The. The fresh maker.

[B]

Oh, yeah, the fruit ones.

[A]

What were the fruit ones? Are they still called Mentos? Are they called.

[B]

Yeah, they were. They were Mentos.

[A]

The French.

[B]

So good.

[A]

I get them the Mentos. I'd get him a pack. I get myself a pack. I get a cheeseburger and a Sprite and he'd be like, can I Sprite? I'd give him a Sprite. I put him on him. But he's an older kid, right? He's the coolest kid in the camp. One day we're sitting there and we're eating and I go, I don't know him very well, but I'm like. I'm like hanging out with him because I want to be around the coolest kid. And I go, where do you go to school? And he's like, delmabre or whatever. And I go, where's that? He's like, over there. And I go, wait, how old are you? And he's like, I'm 10. I go, I'm 12. I go, fucking, what am I hanging out with a 10 year old for?

[B]

That's a big two years.

[A]

It's.

[B]

That's a big two years.

[A]

And I was like, I thought you just small. And he was like, no, I'm a fucking child. I'm like, are you fucking 10? And he was like, yeah, he was, aren't you 10? And I go, no, I'm fucking 12. And he goes, what are you hanging out with me for? And I was like, I don't know, Jay, I don't know. I don't know. And I was like, I just thought he was older than I was. I think that all the time.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little imposter thing. But I'm also, you know what, to give you a compliment. Not to enable, but to. Not to look at it from another way. I do see a zeal and a zest. You know what I mean? I know what you're talking about. When you want to. You don't want a pond because it gets stagnant and it gets all green and gross. You want to be a rushing river.

[A]

100%. But I want activity. I want activity. I want sound. I want tranquility. I want to be a rushing river. I do not want to be a pond. That is. That is a very, very, very accurate assessment.

[B]

What is it? Yeah, I guess what the trap I fell into last time was assuming because I tour once a month and I love it. But I'm different. I'm a different boy. I'm an introvert.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? I know I'm very extrovert. I'm an extroverted introvert. And I really.

[A]

Can I tell you all I think about.

[B]

You're a toaster in the tub.

[A]

When you say that. When you say that. Yeah. I immediately say, pete, come out on the road with me. Let's do this fall fucking arena tour. I'll pay you solid money, and then I guarantee you, when you see how fucking good you are at the end of it, yeah, you're gonna go. I'm out every week. I'm out every. Because I know how good I am, and it's because I have to work as hard as I am. I'm not blowing smoke up my own ass. I know you're better than I am, and so I know that if you worked as hard as I worked, you'd be fucking un. Fucking stoppable. Like, I did it to Ian Bag. I brought Em Bagg out on the road with me, and I realized. I realized just how good I wasn't, because I was like, oh, he is naturally one of the funniest human beings in the world. He was working in arena, and he was doing crowd work to sections. He was doing crowd work to sections. He was so.

[B]

This motherfucker does crowd work to section.

[A]

He was so fucking amazing. Amazing.

[B]

I know what you mean.

[A]

I watched Davitel. I took David Tell out to do those ballparks, and David Tell. I mean, this is like. This is what I. This is why I look up to great comics, because you watch them and your mind's blown. David Tell had memorized the landscape behind him, what the people were looking at in the cityscape behind him, and was using it as callbacks.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And I was like, I've been doing outdoor arenas or outdoor shows. Occurred to you never once thought, yeah, I should look at the city?

[B]

No. That's a savant. Savant.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I hear you're making. You're highlighting what I think the difference is the juice that you get from, like, Crush and growing almost like a corporation. I don't even. I mean, you're like Nike. You're like, okay, we had a great year. Let's have an even better year.

[A]

I am like that.

[B]

I get it. And you didn't make that up, by the way. You sort of inherited, as did I. That mythos that. That story from our culture.

[A]

And that's your last. Your. Is it your last HBO special? Yeah, that's all over TikTok and Instagram right now, I believe so. It's in my algorithm all the time.

[B]

Yeah, you clicked.

[A]

It is. Did you click, dude? It is. I am so blown away by your ability. So, so blown away by your insights, your comedic instincts, but just how fucking funny you are.

[B]

Oh, thanks, man.

[A]

And. And look, I. I say this all the time. I don't. I. I had a Someone. I was. There was. I was listening a group of guys on a comic, and I was just like, what are you doing?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, why are you looking behind? Yeah.

[B]

Comedy cancer.

[A]

Yeah. What the are you doing? I was like. I was like, well, you guys are out of your goddamn mind. Yeah. First of all, look ahead. Look in front of you. You're like. You're like driving in New York traffic going, what's behind me? Yeah, you're. The energy's ahead of you, right? Sit and watch Chappelle. Sit and watch Patton. Sit and watch Sarah. Sarah's new hour. That's on hbo, right? Hbo Max right now is brilliant.

[B]

Edit that out. But.

[A]

Yeah, but, like, I love that. Sit and watch Rogan. I go, dude, I. I watch Rogan. When I go to do the comedy mothership, I do my spot in the Little boy. The other day, I run over to the big one. I run over and I watch him, and Leanne's like, what are you doing? Let's talk. I go, oh, we're watching Rogan. And I was like, if. If I get a chance to watch great comedy, that's what I want to talk about. Like, if you. If you're like, what would you want to talk about with comedy? I mean, I'm not gonna.

[B]

You want to talk about what you like?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Your positive Yelp.

[A]

Yeah. Like, I, like. Matt Rife is killing it right now. Yeah, he's killing it. Yeah, he's killing it. The guy fucking did an announced video with Ashton Kutcher that went viral, and he sold out a fucking tour that is top to bot. I go. I go. That's what I want. I want to talk about the. The people killing it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's where I focus and celebrate, you know, like, the great comics.

[B]

What I was. What I was gonna say was. And I get everything you're saying. Like, you know, you're lighting my fuse. I get it. I love comedy. I love improving. I just filmed my. My new special last weekend. I'm thrilled Burr produced it, which I'm like. He kind of walked me in. He's hard to get a special. He helped me out. But the. The weird. It's not weird. The different game I'm playing is I love seeing how little I can feed it.

[A]

There's. There's something to that. Yeah, there's something to that.

[B]

Because I. I love that people where I live don't, like. They don't think of me as a comedian. I love that I'm around. I'm at the dance recital. I'M not saying you're not. By the way, I was gonna.

[A]

Do people know where you live?

[B]

Yeah, I live in Ohio.

[A]

I was gonna say. I was gonna. As soon as. Can I tell you how my brain works? Tell me. I can't stop thinking about work. I cannot stop thinking about work. When you said, oh, we're no high, I said, you know, I'm going to be in Oxnard for seven weeks because we have a house there. I'm going to be in Oxford. And immediately I went, hey, do you want to do. We should do like a residency at the Improv at the Levity Live. Yeah, let's do like Sunday nights or let's do. Let's do Sunday nights or do Monday nights. Something. An off night. Yeah, we'll sell tickets, we'll promote it, and we can have a fun night, just me and you. Co headline. We'll just bring. Yeah, immediately. That's my brain. I think only about work.

[B]

And there's a way that me in the past has been like, let's fix that. And I'm actually over here going like, you're. You're. It's beautiful. You're an engine and it's running and it's great. And that's life. You know, there's a lot of life.

[A]

When we go back.

[B]

You're a big Lahaim. You know that? You really are.

[A]

It's my favorite toast. Yeah, that's my favorite.

[B]

You're a big. To life.

[A]

I love to life. And I go, fuck, yeah, man. Yeah. Oh, we only get to do it once. What are we doing? Not getting into shit and not getting, like. Not getting. Finding our passion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And when I say. I'm not even joking. When we talk about that kid with the ice cream shop and we talk about opening a school where people can find the stuff they're into, I think I got so fucking lucky to find comedy because I don't ever feel like I'm working and I work. Yeah, I work literally 6am until 7pm every night.

[B]

I was thinking about the people. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm not looking down my nose on anybody, but somebody's job is to castrate pigs. You know what I mean? And that's. That's a. Like, my worst day would be their best day. And I'm only saying that for gratitude and perspective. That's a job. And I. And sometimes I'm like, you know, the crowd didn't really. Yeah, shut the up. Shut the up. You could be clipping pig nuts.

[A]

I worked With a guy who had to castrate cows. I mean, and he loved it. He loved it. He had his granddaddy's knife. Swear to God. He had his granddaddy's knife. Had been castrating cows with the same knife. Same knife. And the blade was so worn down that it was the knife. And a thin blade is my granddaddy's knife. And that cow kicked me in the jaw as they castrate. I tried to help him. We're doing it for a TV show. And he loved his fucking. He loved doing it. And he wanted to show me how much fun it was. And I could not get into it. I was like, you couldn't get into it? I was like, dude, this is breaking my heart.

[B]

I'm also super excited that we have a new Pete's pick on this episode. First time out the gate. This has absolutely changed both my life and Val's life for the better by helping us naturally produce more oxytocin. I'm sure you've heard about oxytocin. It is the feel good hormone. And this supplement is known as Golden Hour by first person. First person designs. Precision. Excuse me. Targeted supplements made with functional mushrooms that aim to stimulate the body's natural production of specific neurotransmitters that triggers activities like energy, mood and sleep. And Golden Hour does just that. Helps me tune in to a sense of joy, connection and relaxed presence. It is unbelievable. I noticed it the first time I took it within about 15 minutes. And the effect has built over time. Now that I take it every day, it just keeps getting better. Using those precision. I can't say precision today. Precision Targeted mushrooms. Golden Hour supports the body's natural production of oxytocin that mitigates stress and boosts the mind body connection and may even help promote long term cognitive health. But that's not all. I loved Golden Hour so much. I now take all three of the first person family of supplements and I'm so glad I do. Sunbeam maximizes productivity and creative activities by tuning into an inspired, focused mindset by supporting the body's natural production of dopamine to activate the brain's motivation and reward system. And moonlight helps me stay in deep restorative sleep longer. Wake feeling clear and well rested by supporting the natural production of the GABA neurotransmitter. So we have mushrooms targeted at these different parts of our brain and it is incredible. And it's even better when you stack them. They're meant to be stacked. They build on each other and complement one another. So When I'm sitting down to work, I take both Sunbeam for Dopamine and Golden Hour for oxytocin so I feel joyful and motivated. And of course I take moonlight at bed that gives me that perfect night's rest, deep and without getting up. It's incredible. It's 100% grain free organic mushroom as well as highly curated blend of nutraceuticals. First person is a game changer so start improving your brain health and cognition with first person. You can get 20% off your first order by going to get firstperson.com and use promo code weird and these statements. I have to say I have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. But go get FirstPerson.com promo code weird 20% off. Support your brain, support the show. I'm absolutely obsessed we're also brought to us by our friends at Caraway. One of the simplest and smallest things that have added so much value to our lives is cooking Together as a family and with a four year old, we've noticed that when our daughter is involved in the preparation, she's so much more likely to eat what we cook and even try new things. Val and I are in love with the best looking, best cooking, new cook and bakeware from Caraway. No nasty chemicals, which is huge. Easy to clean, which is huge. So much of the time you don't want to cook because you don't want to clean and they are absolutely beautiful and fun to use whether you're into spring cleaning or just about to do some anytime cleaning. Their thoughtfully designed sets and complimentary storage makes getting and staying organized easier than ever and you can now save 10 off the full suite of Caraway products from their Internet famous cookware to their newly launched food storage set. Caraway's high quality ceramic coating kitchenware is free of charge PTFEs such as Teflon, lead, cadmium and other toxic materials to know your cooking safe and Caraway kitchenware comes in a variety of chic shades and sets include complimentary easy access storage solutions. Their ceramic it's naturally slick surfix surface means minimal oil or butter for slide off the pan, eggs and easy cleaning. And over 4 40,000, not 4 40, 000 people have raved about their Caraway kitchen. Now it's time to try it for yourself. Visit CarawayHome.com weird to take advantage of this limited time offer for 10 off your next purchase. That's CarawayHome.com weird it's exclusive just to weirdos. CarawayHome.com weird and use code weird at checkout. Caraway Non Toxic cookware made Modern. All right, everybody, back to Bert Kreischer. Buddy, as horrible as it is, if it's gonna happen and it seems like it's gonna happen, I'd at least want it to be a guy going like, I love it. You gotta get, gotta get in that nut chop flow.

[A]

Yeah. And he. They love. They love that I was a city boy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Come on now, hold him down. Come on now, hold him down.

[B]

Neil DeGrasse Dyson, when he did the pod, talked about a guy with a cigarette. And he was just. He was killing cows. I know this is dark, but he just seemed like he was piggin shit, just kind of like executing cows.

[A]

I met. I met a dude in Denver who put down dogs at the pound.

[B]

And he loved it.

[A]

And he loved it. Why I have. I, you know, I was friends with. I hope he doesn't hear this because I was friends with him.

[B]

And you were like, I think this is over.

[A]

And I was like, I don't think I can be friends with him anymore because it really broke my heart. And he was like, no, man, that. No one's going to take care of that dog. No one does. And then I come in, I give them a minute and then everything's great for them. It's. It's done.

[B]

Yeah. The ease.

[A]

And I was like. I was like, this is really sad.

[B]

It tells you a little bit about that person's potentially their cosmic perspective, maybe consciously or unconsciously.

[A]

I heard Jen Kirkman one time and I apologize, Jen, if I'm not paraphrasing this.

[B]

I love how sensitive you are.

[A]

Only.

[B]

Only because.

[A]

Because I don't. I. Because I speak so recklessly. Yeah. And so quick that I never.

[B]

TV talking like, it's just you and me.

[A]

Yeah. And then. And then all of a sudden Rogan's like, what are you talking about? Fucking TV timeout. And I'm like, I don't know, Joe. I thought you said that, by the way.

[B]

Joe just used me as the example of a frump. A dump. My brother said it was the guy from Blink 182. Trey Parker. Okay, let's not get hung up on that.

[A]

Trey Barker. Travis Barker.

[B]

Travis Barker. Sorry, everybody.

[A]

Travis Barker's fucking skinny mini.

[B]

He's a skinny mini. But he wasn't. It wasn't that Joe was saying. And my brother clipped it and sent it to me, which is so funny. It didn't bother Me?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I liked it. It was fun to talk to my brother about it. We riffed on it, but he was talking about when he talked. When Joe talks to Elon Musk, he's like, I feel like I'm Pete Holmes racing Usain Bolt. He used me as the frumpa dump.

[A]

That's a really. That's a fucking great analogy, though.

[B]

He used the front.

[A]

I know it, because I can see. I can see you racing usain Boy going, hold on. Were we supposed to wear short shorts? I like. There's. You would pick that apart.

[B]

That is it. I'm wearing dress shoes for some reason.

[A]

Do we. I can. I can hear you at the thing. Do we go on three, or do we go on one? And then you hear the gun. You go, it was the gun, God damn it. It was the gun.

[B]

Is I. Actually.

[A]

It's a good analogy by Joe.

[B]

I. I'm a. I'm a. I enjoy the show. I'm a fan. I was just like, what fun that I got to be the example.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's. That's fun that you're in is. I like that you're. That.

[B]

He even said. He goes, no disrespect.

[A]

No, he loves you. He loves you. He's Joe's. Joe's. Joe's. Let me ask you this.

[B]

I have a joke that I sometimes do. I go, joe Rogan is such a man. He looks like the men's room symbol. Do you think he would like that, or would he be like, I think he'd like it.

[A]

Hey, no, that's because.

[B]

I'm just saying he's a man. Like, look at the broad shoulders and the circle head. It looks like a weightlifter.

[A]

No, it does. That's a good.

[B]

It's okay.

[A]

I think he'd like.

[B]

Because I literally said, deval, I never do this, but I was like, well.

[A]

That hurt my career. Joe's. Dude, Joe is a. Is comedian first.

[B]

That's what I. First. That's what I thought first.

[A]

And he, like. He. You can't. You know, there's no. Okay, yeah, you can't.

[B]

I like that we aired this here.

[A]

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe's a comedian first. I remember I had a joke about ufc, and I go, don't you think it would be better if they had to each other in the ass? And he was like, huh? And I go, never mind. He goes, wait, wait, what are you talking about? I went, I don't think you're. Like, this joke. He goes, why? And I said, well, because you're into ufc. He goes, I'm a comedian. First. Tell me the joke. And I went. I go, don't you think the fights would be better if one guy had to hold the other guy down and fuck him in the ass to win? And he was like, we don't get it. And I go, how hard would you fight? And then he started laughing, and I went, oh, my God, that's right. You are comedian first.

[B]

How hard would you fight?

[A]

Really hard.

[B]

How hard would you fight?

[A]

And I go, yeah, deeply fighting if you knew your asshole was on the line.

[B]

Also, I think I've tried to make the joke that there's only one body smell. This is never going to make it to the stage.

[A]

Ooh, interesting.

[B]

There's only one body smell. So the way your dick smells is the way your armpits smell. It's the way everything smells. So these guys can smell each other. They're getting close. They're wrestling. I'm saying the ancient Greeks were right. Let's get naked, let's wrestle. But let's take it all the way to the period at the end of the sentence, which is hardcore fucking.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're over here going like, nah, just punching. Just punching. Any ancient Greek meaning, you and me, if we were born in that time, would go to a UFC fight. They would fight. We're in robes, holding goblets. Would be like. And now commence with the fight. Like would be like, here, here. That was a good opening to what we're all here for, the deep penetration.

[A]

My favorite part of that would be one guy being unconscious and the other guy having to try to get his dick hard in front of everyone else going like, hey, give me a second.

[B]

He can't get. He can't get a boner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he just sucks his own dick. Like your friend. What was his name again? Just kidding.

[A]

The. He didn't dumb. So.

[B]

Rogan comedy first.

[A]

No, but the thing I was saying about Rogan is, like, he. You know, the. This goes back to the very beginning of the conversation. He did. He did the man show, and then he did the. He did the Carlos Messiah thing where he kind of stuck his. Not kind of, but he stuck his knockout neck out on the lines for all the comics and. And fair use of your own material. And he got punished for that. The Comedy Store kicked him out.

[B]

Really?

[A]

You didn't know that?

[B]

I didn't know he was booted.

[A]

He got kicked out of the Comedy Store for a while.

[B]

Isn't that funny? Just how things shift and Change.

[A]

And so he had to reinv. I mean, he is. If you feel down about yourself, if you're like, I don't have a shot in this world. I don't have anything to hang my hat on. Look at Joe Rogan. Now, granted, he had money. He could have just retired, but he was kicked out of the place he loved more than anything, the Comedy Store. And he was. And he was kind of had to take a little bit of a TV timeout from the man show. The Fear factor's gone. He'd already done the sitcom. He's known now as the Fear Factor guy.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And he fucking sat in that office of his and said, I'm not. I'm gonna win. I'm gonna put. So I'm sure it's my phone. Just getting fucking slacks. He goes, I'm gonna. I'm going to win. I'm gonna reassess and I'm gonna redirect my career and I'm going to start a podcast. And no one knew it. Like, I draw inspiration from that dude because he never. He never got counted out. He was like, no, I'm standing back up. What's next? Every consistently in his career.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even when. Even when you can go. Even into, like, the pandemic times when people like, fuck this guy. CNN's trying to attack him, and he's like, I'm not out. And still he's just pushing forward. That's like, I draw inspiration from dudes like that.

[B]

I draw inspiration as well from somebody who is speaking their truth.

[A]

You know, he is not. He has. He has an authentic. Yeah, he speaks out of integrity.

[B]

I.

[A]

He never doesn't speak out of integrity.

[B]

It's Robert McKee, the guy who wrote Story.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

His definition of a hack. He doesn't mean it in the comedian way.

[A]

This is one of my favorite definitions.

[B]

You know this.

[A]

Please keep going. This. I read this in that silver book. I read this over and over and over and over again.

[B]

Well, now I really hope I get it right. It's also in the War of Art, he quotes it, which is where I got it.

[A]

That's War of Art is what I'm thinking of.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, that's the silver book. Right.

[B]

The story is silver. I think.

[A]

I think War of Art is a straight up silver.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

The book I got was silver with a red thing.

[B]

I think you were given an award. It sounds like you were reading a Peabody Award. I'm not positive about it, but it says the definition of a hack is someone who thinks they can predict what an audience wants. They're thinking about that first, and then they try to reverse engineer and give it to them.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And I was.

[A]

The marketplace is dictating.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

They want to sell it.

[B]

They're going like. I think that's why I said the machine. Right. You didn't just make a movie because you could make a movie. There's nothing worse than a video game based on a movie. Almost always. Historically, because that video game is being manufactured to be released around the time the movie is released. Now when the game is done. Yeah, now when the game was. When the Muses got quiet and stopped telling you how to make the Matrix game, it just got released because that's when it had to be released. And it fucking sucks because it didn't need to be. It was a marketing play. That's a hack move.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

And what I find inspiring about Joe is that he's out there going like, I'm not making any choices based on fear. I'm gonna. I'm going to explore. And people won't like. And then people will like. And by the way, I'm not an expert on all the things he said. I have to be nervous. And I'm not endorsing anything. I'm just saying I like people and I'm drawn to people that are going, like, I'm curious about this. Let's talk about it. And aren't going like, it's. It doesn't. It's not safe to talk about, or whatever.

[A]

It's the other thing about him, and this is. You know, it's really hard because not everyone understands this, but he. When we say he's a comedian, first. He is also just a comedian. Like, he is. So, like, I mean, I. He texts me. We. He's obsessed with statins right now. Like, what? Statins.

[B]

Like islands?

[A]

No, statins. The. The heart medication, cholesterol medication.

[B]

What is it? Why would you be obsessed with that?

[A]

Who knows? Who knows? Pete, what is it?

[B]

What does it do?

[A]

Pete, you have a cardiologist appointment coming up. No, I. I know that. I'm on statins because it lowers your cholesterol.

[B]

Oh, you take it?

[A]

Yeah, I take statins, but it's not.

[B]

Like something like statins lowers your cholesterol, but it also gives you, like, vivid dreams and you can.

[A]

No, no, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. By the way, I know this because I've talked about Joe and I've now listened to the podcast he did with this great doctor, talked all about statins. I talked about the big pharma leaning in trying to make money selling their products to cardiologists who sell their products. Yeah. I now know way more than I should know. But I do know that when I started taking statins, they said, we want to really check your liver every other month. Because they. Statins can. With your liver. Yeah. And that. And that statins can shorten your lifespan where they think it's expanding your lifespan. And by the way, I'm speaking. Yeah. Like, I did the research. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

[B]

To quote Penn Jillette, if anyone watching makes a medical decision based on a comedian on a podcast. Yes, this is his joke. He goes, you deserve to die. That's his joke. His joke. I'm not saying that, but take it with a grain of salt.

[A]

But Joe is. Is like. He's a guy who gets into something, gets to be in his bonnet, and he starts doing the research, and he's passionate about shit. And, like, it's one of my.

[B]

It's like what we were talking about. Your agent watching the games.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We just love having a passion. I loved learning everything I could about poker. Remember when poker was so popular?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I loved getting into that hole where the only thing that exists is learning. Like, oh, two, seven off suit is the worst hand. Like, and that's what comedy is. Comedy is like a.

[A]

So my session. My. My thing for, like, I. It's. It's. Once again, I go back to the kid with the ice cream store. I, like, I've had so many.

[B]

Doesn't have an ice cream, by the way. If he does, I'll eat shit. I'll happily eat that shit sandwich that exists. I'll be like, l'. Chaim.

[A]

What if. What if he's listening to this? And he goes, wait, first of all, I do listen to podcasts. I didn't know you're talking about Pete Holmes.

[B]

All right, we're in the clear. He doesn't listen to podcasts.

[A]

Yeah, we're in the clear. And then he's like, secondly, I fucking make ice cream, bro. I'm not just some asshole. Yeah. Like, my passion is fucking ice cream. Like, I'm just not going to talk to some asshole goes, what podcast do you listen to? That's right. He's like, hey, man, maybe I have a little bit of dignity and I'll share my whole life with everyone. Asshole.

[B]

And I'm like, but that is great.

[A]

The. I go back to that kid and I think, the. Oh, fuck, I don't even know what I was gonna say anymore.

[B]

The kid of the ice cream store. We're talking about Joe. We're talking about.

[A]

Oh, I get into. So I get into stuff, like, really get into stuff. Statins and not statins. I wish I could get into, like, smart stuff, like history. I'm really into history. I'm really into. I get, like, this is gonna sound crazy, but, like, when we wanted to get a dog, I really got into researching dogs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, and it would be so much fun. It' get back after a show, get in your hotel bed and just get on the iPad and start flipping through dogs and going, like, that's a good dog. Let me research. Oh, dog.

[B]

You know what they say about, like, pornography is. It's not pornography. It's. It's the search bubble that you get in. It's when you're looking for the thing that turns you on the most. Right. So it's not actually the jizzing. I know I'm saying it in kind of a funny way, but it's true. It's not actually the orgasm. It's the 30 minutes that you spent trying to find something. So similarly. It's not the car. It's not even the dog. Seinfeld has this great line where he goes, it's not the movie. It's the drive to the movie. That. That's that sacred place where you know you're going to see a movie.

[A]

It's not the vacation.

[B]

Yeah, it's not.

[A]

It's the getting ready for the vacation.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

You know, it's not this conversation. It's. It's like, I liked that. I was looking forward to it as I was driving in. You know, that's life. And I know I use pornography, but, like, I like to kind of let people off the hook and say, you're not just obsessing about something silly. You're actually creating this bubble around you where nothing else exists. And there's nothing, like pinpoint focus, like, bringing your attention even to something stupid. It might be a video game. When I play. I'm playing the new Zelda game. When I play that, I'm only thinking about one thing. And it can be. I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say it. I'm Rogan. I don't care. It's meditative. It can be.

[A]

I. I'm gonna credit Doug Benson. I'm not sure if this is what he said. And I'm. I'm just gonna cry. I apologize, Doug, if I. This is not Ali.

[B]

We're sorry, Jen Kirkman. We're sorry.

[A]

And say what Jen said. She said something about the Capitol Stormers made sense. And that. That I don't know. Okay, I'm joking. I tried to think of something totally different.

[B]

I didn't hear what you never said, so I just.

[A]

Jen said that she did not to be born. At one point. I thought that was crazy. I never thought about. I never thought about that. I thought about it as a gift, never a curse. And then I realized, oh, there's a lot of people in this world that never asked to be born.

[B]

That's like Joe deroza. Don't forget what you were going to say about. Who is he about to quote Doug Benson. Therapeutic Doug has a great. Not Doug. Joe DeRosa has a great joke where he goes, jesus died for your sins. And he goes, I didn't ask him to. Which I think is so funny. It's interesting. I actually think Jen is articulating the central point that the ego would like to make, which is, I'm here and it's not my fault. And I actually think it's artistically honest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it's not to me. I would shift that. I would go, like. I don't find that to be a helpful worldview. I don't think she's saying it is either. But it is honest. It can be honest.

[A]

Doug Benson said the thing he likes about roller coasters is that you're forced to be present. You're forced to be in that moment. There's. It's really hard to think about your taxes when you're fucking free falling.

[B]

That's what Ram Dass says. He goes, when you're in a car accident, chances are you aren't horny.

[A]

Yeah, and.

[B]

But that's how. And he also says when you're reading a book. When you start reading a book, you can hear the clock, the second hand of the clock ticking. Then you get into the book and it fades away. So what is consciousness? And this is what I'm saying about your guy, the golf cart, ice cream shop guy. Focusing attention and doing nothing deliberately can be an incredibly powerful thing. It can actually change reality. You'll stop hearing a sound, but that's very different from just getting. I don't know what that guy was doing, but getting baked and listening to whatever's on the radio. Here, drink this.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

It's magic mind. Shake it. It's got a little bit of caffeine. It's got nootropics and adaptogens. So it helps with stress. Helps you think. Joe loved it. They just sent him a big case. But you will love it. But we just. We hit that 90 minute lull and I was like, this will help us. This look curious through the end. I already had mine.

[A]

Tastes good.

[B]

Yeah, it's a good thing. You're gonna love it. Where were we? Oh, you were about to quote Doug. You already did.

[A]

I did.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Yeah, I did.

[B]

Where were we?

[A]

We were talking. We were talking about. No, we started talking about the. What was about to do the man show.

[B]

You want to finish that?

[A]

No. I called Tom and I said, hey, do you want to do the man show with me? And he went, nope. He was like, why would we do their show? He's like, let's just do our own show.

[B]

That's a great. Rick Rubin says he doesn't hang up his gold platinum records. And he goes, why would I try to do something I've done before? Why would I surround myself with the burden of hitting and hitting a benchmark that I've already hit? Yeah, he's like blank walls. It's like you. There is no razzle dazzle. You're just here today. You're just going for the next one.

[A]

Yeah, I try not to look back and just go, what's next? Yeah, that's the fun part. It's when you. When you talk about, like the. It's not the vacation. It's the getting ready for the vacation, planning vacation, the texting back and forth. Yeah. I had a. I have a friend. I have a friend. I can say she'll never hear it. It's kind of weird, but the co star of my movie, the Eva Babbage, is she the Russian?

[B]

Yeah, she's great.

[A]

She's awesome. And she's a really interesting person. A really interesting person. She said to me, I was talking about, like, just fantasizing. I go, you know, what if we did like a. What if we did like a cast. A cast, like, party? And like, we, like, what if I make a lot of money? We did like a cast party. And then we all went to, like, somewhere to go, like, what would be fun to go? And I. And she goes, well, I know where I'd want to go. And I said, well, I know where I'd want to go. And she said, say it at the same time. And randomly. We both said, the Canary Islands. Wow. And then she goes, wait, that's crazy. She goes. She goes, what if we went. But we went on the wrong weekend. And everyone else went on the same weekend. And I went. She goes, what would we do? And I was like, I don't.

[B]

Sounds like this woman was hitting on.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. You know, it's so funny because she said.

[B]

She's like, wouldn't that be crazy?

[A]

She said something to that effect. And then I said. And then she. We started joking and we started, like, planning a trip that we were never gonna take.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But we were texting each other, like, fun things. Hey, do you know they have windsurfing? And it was really fun. It was really fun. And then I was like, this is almost fun. I'll never go on this trip with her.

[B]

It's more fun.

[A]

It's more fun.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, I want to start planning trips with people that I'll never do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But just. Yeah, plan them. Like, I have a chat thread with Joe Derosa, Ari Shafir, Shane Gillis, Salvo Cano. And I don't know what it was, but the last thing someone said was, are you guys here? And then randomly, Joe Derosa goes, like, two weeks ago, just goes, is anyone coming or not? And then Ari goes, I'm on my way. I'm getting wine. And then Sal's like, do we need food? We're talking about a thing that's never gonna happen. And it's so fucking fun.

[B]

You're really tapping into one of my cornerstone beliefs, which is everything is an excuse to love. And that sounds so basic.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

But this planning a party isn't the party. It's just a way to say with subtitles on. I see you. You're valuable to me. I remember you. I'm holding space for you and I love you. That's all of it. So Instagram this podcast, Stand Up Comedy. Even an argument, like, can become an excuse to love. And that sounds so basic. All of the profound truths of my life sounds so trite. But when you really like, when that explodes like fireworks.

[A]

I love. I love that more than anything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love the. You know, when I love loving things, that's number one. I love loving things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I love getting into things. And I love. I was talking to someone about. I love going to live shows. As a comedian who does live shows. I love going to live shows. I love going to live shows at venues I performed at. Yeah. To see what that venue's like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I love my favorite part. You know, I was. Someone said, why do they even do pre sale when you do tour dates? I Said pre sales for the people that love. Because presale is when I know that. I know I've done a little bit of work, set it on my calendar. I got an alarm that comes up. I know the code. And then I can buy good tickets for this for a good price and a good section. Yeah, that's for me. And by the way, I do it on mine. That's for the people that love. And so then. And I go, my favorite thing to do is, I did it for Steely Dan. I was. I went through a huge, like, resurgence of Steely Dan over the. Over the pandemic. Like, really listen to a lot of Steely Dan. And then Steely Dan was coming here, and I said, I immediately. I got on presale. I bought a box at the Hollywood Bowl. I got the whole box. I bought all the tickets. And then I got to plan. I got to. First of all, I had something to look forward to, but I got to plan my night. I got to fall in love with the thing. Like, really take my time. And I said to my wife, who do we want to go? And she goes, well, you know, you've been listening to Steely Dan a lot with your trainer. You should invite your trainer. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we've been listening to it a lot. We're both into Steely Dan. And I go, oh, you know what? Her roommate is Antonio lafassa, one of the best chefs in LA at the Hollywood Bowl. You cater your own dinners.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

Let's have Antonio Antonia cater our dinner. And then, I gotta be honest with you, Pete. I didn't enjoy the show because all the fun was over for me. The fun of planning, the fun of wondering, do they sell sweatshirts? The fun of. And then I got there, and they didn't sell the sweatshirts. And I was cold. Cause I didn't bring a sweatshirt. And then he didn't play all the songs I wanted him to play. Everyone had a blast. But I was like, it's over. It's almost like. I was like, fuck. It's like, if you plan on having sex with your wife at night, and then you talk about it all day, and you're flirting on text, and then the second you penetrate, you're like, well, this is gonna be over in a fucking couple minutes. I'm not getting this again.

[B]

Was way ahead of you. I was gonna say, I dated a woman long distance, and there's not. And Val and I dated long distance. That's my wife. And there's Nothing better than those times where we're like, val's coming this weekend. You're at work, and you remember. And you're absolutely right. As soon as the car is in the garage, you're just like, T minus is 35 seconds.

[A]

What, do you want to get a pizza?

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Like, it's. It's. I. The. The. The.

[B]

It was all the participation.

[A]

We went. Every time we go to Hawaii, we go to Hawaii. Not fairly often, but we've gone a bunch with the girls. Every time we go to Hawaii, I get so bummed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, day two, where I go, it's almost over. It's almost. It's just. It's an. I think that's what I'm going through in my life right now. At 50, I go, so I lived. I mean, first of all, it's a blessing to have lived this long at all, because I know people that didn't make it here. But I go, like, 25 more years. 25. The way I live. 20, 30. I think we'll get 30. I don't know. Maybe Some. Some. They'll fix something. There's got to be some technology that shows up. And so you're one of those anchor.

[B]

Tattoo old fucks in the nursing home, though. It's like, I had four martinis this morning, and you're like, 90, but you look 110.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, I go, but I wonder if, like, I love the planning the trip. I love the. The airport ride.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love the flight. I love landing. I love that first night's dinner, and then everything after that, I start going. I start going like, it's almost over.

[B]

That's one of the tricks of life. But we don't have to wait to try and do it. We can do it right now. It's dropping anchor into it. Like, I catch myself. What's next? Wednesday's over. Like, I'm having a great time. Yeah, it's okay. It's okay. It's running. It's like sand running through our hands, and it's. We can either panic or we can just go. Like, that's what it is. And that's actually what informs the beauty of it. I really think if you knew, because. Okay, I'll tell you this story. We went to Bora Bora, and we were having such a great time in.

[A]

Bora, by the way. I don't even know anything about it, but I already love this story.

[B]

It's the Canary Islands of. Of the French Polynesia. So we're In Bora Bora. And we actually had our baby with us. It was awesome. And, you know, we were there for six days or something. And around day five, we cried it. We were like, what are we doing? Why are we going back? And we were like, let's stay for, like, 12 days. Yeah, let's stay for two weeks. We just extended it. Kept the room fucking nuts. We went. We machined it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Around day 10, I was like, what is this, hell? Is this some sort of hell realm?

[A]

Hold on. The hardest. The hardest I've ever laughed. Not the hardest, but one of the most purest sentences that made me fall out of my chair laughing. Do you met Matt Frost? He's an agent over at caa. I think I do know Matt Frost. Frosty is the best. I love Frosty to death. He used to be my agent for a long time. He's the best. There's. I. There's. I love that guy. So me and him were doing a show, I think, with Jay Moore in Hawaii, and the trip was three days. You fly in, day off, perform, and then you fly out the next day and. Or maybe even that. Yeah, the next day. And Frosty goes, that seems like a short time to be in Hawaii.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why fly all day again? He goes. He goes, what does she want to extend our trips? I said, yeah, let's extend our trips. He goes, how long? I go, like a week. He's like, yeah, we'll do a stay an extra week. We do the show. We're having a great time. And Frosty and I. Everyone's like, I gotta leave. Frosty's like, not us. Not us. Everyone leaves. We spend a day by the beach. We get drunk. The next morning, we wake up to go to breakfast, and Frosty has this look on his face. And I go, what? And he goes, stop it. We have six more days. And I go, yeah. And he goes, the exact same thing. I said, yeah. And he goes, should we get jobs?

[B]

And I, we get jobs.

[A]

It was just. It was the funniest thing because you're like, yeah, what? Like, what are we doing just sitting here like, what are we doing with our lives? Like, we. We're just.

[B]

And then that's what I mean. When you are at a hotel that only has seven different dinners and you've had each of them twice. Yeah, you're asking for a handgun for dessert.

[A]

That's what I love about touring, is that never gets old. It never. Like, we leave. We leave on. We leave on. We leave Sunday or Monday to go out to New York to start this fully loaded tour. And the girls are coming with me, both girls. George is bringing a friend. Leanne's gonna be on the tour. And I go, this is what I could do for the rest of my life if my girls would just give up on their dreams and just live with me and live with me on a tour bus and just everyone works for dad. Like, do it Ozzy Osbourne style. Like, the whole fuck just fucking focuses around Dad. I could do that for the rest of my goddamn life. I would never get off tour. I would never get off tour. I'd buy them a tour bus. I'd buy the dogs a tour bus. I'd be fucking. I would love that. I would love that. I would love that. I would love that. There's a great feeling, dude. The best tour I've ever been on was during the Pandemic. We did that. I created the drive in movie theater tour. And the very first day we got on, we all tested. We all got on the bus. Everyone tested negative. And we went, this is our bubble. We can't leave this bubble. No one. We. No one interacts with anyone. Steal. And we lived in a bubble on a tour bus for, I think, like, six weeks. And I was like, this is everything. Yeah, this is everything.

[B]

It's what we were saying about the search. Didn't I use the word bubble?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, you want to shrink. We're not supposed to know as many people as we know. We're not supposed to know as much information as we know.

[A]

We're not supposed to know as much. And people, as animals, we're not.

[B]

Not designed to hold all.

[A]

I should not have a phone.

[B]

No.

[A]

Like, I.

[B]

Actually, you also shouldn't be getting updates on the, like, political infrastructure of Sicily.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? You hear about the unrest in Sicily, the market. Can we not. Can we not? Because I'm trying to deal with the trash in my. In my car.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not trying to put down a country's needs. I'm just saying it's overwhelming when you know everything about everybody and you're not supposed to.

[A]

You're not.

[B]

And you're not supposed to know what every. Like, I could name 300 celebrities, you'd know what each one of them looks like. You know a little bit about each one of them. It's fucking wrong.

[A]

I shouldn't know who Sebastian Stan is. Yeah, I shouldn't. Why? Do you know who I know? I know a lot about.

[B]

Richie is.

[A]

I know a lot about her. I know a lot about her and I probably shouldn't because based on my interests. Yeah, you know, I'll tell you, I'm.

[B]

Sure I didn't mean to put her down.

[A]

I didn't mean to say Sebastian Stanley, but he's a sweet guy. Yeah, he's a great actor. I know a lot about him. He's gorgeous. I'm just pitching Picturing Sebastian the. I'll tell you when I. When probably 2004, 2002, 2003. Right around then, cell phones were really like, big. It was like really turned a corner. And I. Leanne got me into therapy and I said to the therapist, I think my phone rang in therapy. And I went, oh, not answering that. She goes, why wouldn't you answer that? I said, I don't know who it is. I don't want to talk to someone. This is beginning of cell phones, right? She's, you have social anxiety disorder. And I was like, no. I was like, hold on, hang on. Don't. Don't take the technology of today and then start applying shit. I go, I don't ever want to answer my phone. I won't reply to anyone. I just wish I didn't have one. And she was like, yeah, but you do. And I went, but hang on, what we. I go, what about 12 years ago when this didn't exist? What was your diagnosis 12 years ago when someone like. I go, there's, this isn't real. This is a new thing. And you're now applying my fucked up behaviors to something that wasn't here 12 years ago.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I remember being really upset. The same therapist told me, by the way, I said, I have a fear of flying. She goes, when was the last time you flew? I said, fucking Monday. She goes, well, then you don't have a fear. And I was like, hang on. She goes, people that have a fear don't fly. So we're done with that. You're good. What else? And I went, the fuck? And then I also told this lady, I said a lot of bad things to this lady. I hope she's listening. So I'd like to apologize. I told her. I told her she was unattractive and she was unattractive. And I settled down and I said, I said, I was like, so wait. I go, do you have a mortgage? She goes, I don't know why that's important. I said, well, as long as you have a mortgage, I'm have problems. Like, because my problems are paying for your mortgage. So, like, I'm never gonna get done with this, am I. She goes, well, therapy's not being done with it. And I went, no, but, like, I'm just. I got like, I want to know what extra. Do you have a boat? Because if you have a boat, then I'm worried that I'm gonna have more problems because you're gonna say, we need to come twice a day.

[B]

You want a therapist with a $800 a month apartment?

[A]

And then I said. And then I said, we can be honest in therapy, right? And she said, yeah. I said, well, I'm Like, I'm attractive to you. So, like, I'm. You're always getting. Be excited that for me to come in because I'm more attractive than you. And so you said that. I said this to this therapist. She was like, I'm so confused. And I went, well, no, I'm just saying, like, if I had. If I was a therapist and there was a really hot chick, that I'd look forward to her, and I'd be like, yo, your problem. Like, I would always make sure that she's not going anywhere. So I go, so I feel like I'm never gonna be done with therapy because I'm more attractive than you and you have a mortgage. And she was like. She goes, I think quite honestly, you need to find a new therapist. And I was like, I agree, I agree. And I was like, I need one that doesn't have a mortgage. And it's fucking hot. As. She was like, wow, this is.

[B]

You know, that's a very funny story, obviously. And there's. There's some. There's something going on there.

[A]

Oh, buddy.

[B]

My therapist who just did the podcast would admit that our sessions were, like, funny and interesting so that he. He had to be alert as to not withhold healing.

[A]

Yeah. Or.

[B]

Or some piece of advice that he's like, you know, I'll tell you next week, you know, like. Because maybe he wanted to. It's interesting. It also. But it does presuppose that the therapist is sitting on some sort of golden ticket, really. They're just there to create a space where you do the work on yourself.

[A]

Yeah, well, you got it. You got to. Well, first of all, you got to trust in therapy. I didn't trust in therapy at the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I did not. I was put into therapy. I was put in therapy by everyone around me going, like, you should go do therapy.

[B]

Yeah, that's tricky. That's, like, when other people get you sober, like, it's. It's a little bit more helpful when you go, like, I Need therapy.

[A]

This latest run of therapy was like me saying, well, because I stopped doing therapy because I was talking too much and I could not get my voice to rebound. So to talk for an extra hour.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Was really fucking me up.

[B]

I was just looking at that. You have one of those, See up there on the top shelf?

[A]

Oh, I can't. I can't have humidity anywhere in my lungs. Why? It clogs them up. Like, I can't go into steam rooms.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. My lungs will be like. As you've been just talking about a psychosomatic. My lungs ever since I was a kid. If I slept near a humidifier, I'd wake up with a chest infection.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I don't know what it is. I can't do Mucinex. I think I have allergy induced. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with me anyway.

[B]

You ever see a ghost?

[A]

Ghost? Yeah. Yeah. What do you think that has to do with my lungs?

[B]

I'm bringing us in for Atlantic.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I say, you ever see a ghost?

[A]

Yes, I have. Yes, dude. I hardcore believe in ghosts.

[B]

Tell me your ghost. Tell me your ghost.

[A]

We went to.

[B]

It was a Monday. It's like your Yelp review.

[A]

We went to Alcatraz. I know you can Google this and you can find the exact stats of the things I'm talking about. So we went to Alcatraz. I called Zach Baggins and I said, hey, we're going to Alcatraz. I want to have an interaction with the. With a ghost. He said, okay. Zach's like, ghost adventurers.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

On Travel Channel. He is, I would say, the foremost expert in. In paranormal activity in the world right now.

[B]

Right.

[A]

He said, here's what you do. Get lost. Get lost. Find a place, hunker down and. And welcome them in. Have a conversation with them. Like, literally, like, scare yourself. Get yourself scared. And then that. That's when. And so I said, okay.

[B]

He's like, they like the fear.

[A]

I don't. I don't know. But like, he said, like, put yourself out there. Like, go down and say, like, hey, I'm here. I'm ready to. I want. I want to meet you or whatever. Like, welcome them.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And so.

[B]

Because no unfriendly spirits ever passed through.

[A]

Yeah. Alcatraz. I have so many jokes about this. I have so many jokes about this. I have so many jokes about this. Like, because. No, because I was like, how come all these jokes are. These ghosts are progressive. Where are the racist ghosts? It's interesting. Ooo. Why is there A black guy holding a camera who's letting the woman talk. Someone smack her, please. In my day, no woman would tell your man what to do. Why isn't she pregnant?

[B]

So why isn't she pregnant? He says it's always just boo, and then they're done.

[A]

Yeah, he came back from the other.

[B]

Side to say boo.

[A]

Yeah, like, there should be one ghost that's like. Like in. Anyway. Anyway, so we go to Alcatraz, and I start kind of disappearing, getting lost. And then. And then I catch up.

[B]

Is this a private tour? Peel off.

[A]

Private tour. We're taken there at midnight on a boat over to Alcatraz. We're the only ones on the entire island other than the one guy taking us around and showing us the entire facility. Well, when I worked for Travel Channel, so we have a film crew with us. So I kind of get lost, but I catch up with the thing, and then at one point, I'm talking to ghosts, and I'm like, you know, like, trying to open up, and they put me in a cell, and the cell gets locked, and they can't unlock it. And I'm like.

[B]

And everyone's like, wait, this is, like, not planned.

[A]

Not planned. And they can't unlock it. And they're like, hold on, give us a second. This has never happened. And I start really getting scared. Like, actually really getting scared in a weird way. Like, I have a panic attack going. Like, what if they can't? What if. What if it's gonna takes, like, a. A minute to get, like, a couple weeks or, like a week or a day to get this? Like, what if they have to bring in a chainsaw and fucking.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And then I'm like. And then it unlocks. And I'm like, okay. But I got really scared. I got genuinely scared. So then everyone goes up to the. To, like, the infirmary, I think. And I tell the guy, I'm gonna go wander. I'm gonna wander. And I know there's cameras kind of watching me wander. It's. It's. We're filming everything. I gotta wander. I said, where's, like, the scariest place? He goes downstairs in isolation. Like, where they. Isolation is pretty sketchy. I said, really? And he goes, yeah, go down. Go down. The doors. Do not lock it, so don't worry. But go down. Close the door. You can fucking find one. It'll fucking freak you out. So I go down. I go down to where they. The isolation, where they put the guy by the solo. By himself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I go down and I start looking And I find one, and I go in and I shut the door, and I'm like, all right, my name's Bert. I'm here, and I'm for real. I want to see you. I want to. I want to talk to you. I want to know that you're real. I want to feel your presence. And I see a red light in the corner. I go, God damn it. They put a fucking GoPro in here, right? They put a fucking GoPro in here. They're. Fuck. And so, in a weird way, I get very comfortable because I know there's a camera filming. Yeah. So I play up a little bit, and I go, I'm not scared of you. I don't know what you did, but I know you're a coward for doing it. And. Because it's a criminal. It's a criminal, right? I don't know who you hurt, but you're not going to hurt me today. And all of a sudden, it gets ice cold in there, and I'm like. And I get chill bumps, top to bottom all over my body, and I'm like. And I feel a presence on me. And I'm like. And I see the red light, and I'm like, okay, I'm not. I'm getting chill bumps right now. I go, I'm not scared. I'm not scared. And I hear a fucking, like, a slam. And I'm like, motherfucker, I'm scared. And I get out now in my head, I go, they got the shot. And I get out and I fucking pop out and no one's around. And I go over and I find my cameraman, and they're like, where'd you go? And I said, I went down to solitary, whatever, confinement. And they're like, really? I said, yeah. And I. I'm like, have you guys been down there? And they're like, no. Where is it? And so I take them down and I go, it's down here. And then I was like, hold on. I go, listen to the producer. I go, do you want to jump in and grab the GoPro? She goes, what GoPro? I said, you guys put a GoPro? There's a red light in the corner. I know there's a GoPro. And I just. So you know, it's good footage. I did get scared, and I did run out in a fucking thing, but there's a GoPro. And she goes, there's no GoPro in there. And then the guy says, this is solitary confinement, and if you really want to get spooked, go in there. And if you talk, if you see a ghost, you'll see a little red light. People say they've seen a red light. And I went, hold on. So I go in there with a flashlight in the same one, and there's no fucking red light. I'm looking everywhere for a red light. I shut the door, no fucking red light. And I'm like, oh, my God, there was. The red light, was the ghost. Google it. I swear to God, Google it. And I Google it. You'll find it. I haven't found it, but that guy said it on the tour. And I was like, I was in there with a real fucking ghost the whole fucking time. And then I was terrified. I was terrified I wouldn't leave my camera crew aside. I was like, there's fucking ghosts in here. And we fucking left. We got off the thing. I started drinking whiskey right away. And then I was like, let's get the fuck out of here.

[B]

Yeah, spirits lead to spirits often.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I can't believe. I can.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm terrified.

[A]

Oh, I. I have. I've had. I've been molested by a ghost. I think I was raped by a ghost one time. Tell me. My body. People have talked about this before. Didn't we just talk about this? Kesha was talking about it. You. All of a sudden, you almost get sleep paralysis where your body. You're kind of awake, but you're dreaming, but you're kind of awake and you're present and your body is held down. It was when. It was the first time it ever happened. I was probably 12 years old, 14 years old, maybe 12 or 13, and I was held down in my bed and my body couldn't move, and I felt a woman, a female on top of me take control of my body and have sex with me. I'd never had sex before, but. And then I had a nocturnal emission. I had a wet dream and I went. And then all of a sudden I could get up. And as I got up, I checked, and I was like, oh, my God, I just had a wet dream. Like, what the fuck? What the fuck was that? But I got completely. I had. I had complete and total lucid dreaming where I had sex with someone lucid. And I had. And I had a nocturnal emission. And I was like. And it happened to me a couple times in college, and it happened to me. It happened to me as an adult. It's happened to me before, but never, not. Not consistently like, wet dreams. But that first time when I was like 13, fucking full blown wet dream.

[B]

Like Sometimes you can't finish.

[A]

Yeah, a lot of times. A lot of times.

[B]

And the ghost is like, don't worry.

[A]

Don't go anywhere. Don't go anywhere.

[B]

To a lot of guys.

[A]

I don't want to get pregnant. Promise you'll pull out, by the way.

[B]

So one of my first jobs was being a reenactor in Salem, Massachusetts, and we did the witch trials, right?

[A]

Oh, my God. And real.

[B]

Yeah. And one of the testimonies was, I was laying in my bed, and her name was Good Wife Bishop appeared straddling me. They're all like, kind of like your story. Like, she was sending her spirit to kind of like jump my bones or fuck with me or scare me or whatever it might be. So your story is, like, at the very least, written on our DNA as something that, like, happens to human beings and also, quite possibly, like, a real paranormal phenomenon.

[A]

Dude, I would. I've had. I've had a few things that are crazy paranormal stuff, but, like, those are the ones. Like, I woke up. I heard a slam one time in my old, old house, and I woke up, and every door. I always sleep with all doors shut. I always sleep with all my doors shut. And every door was exactly half open, even the closets. And I was like. And we lived in Cecil B. DeMille's old house. It's so funny.

[B]

Last night.

[A]

I don't care for any. Last night, my cousin comes over and my wife's giving a tour of our. Of our. The house we currently live in to her. She's walking through all the rooms, and I. And we go to the front room, and I go, the man that lives here before, this is the room he died in. And she goes, no, he died in. In our room. And I went, what? She goes, he died in our room. And I go, he did. He did. She was like, you didn't know that? And I was like, no. I thought he died in the front room. She goes, why would he die in the front room? He died in his bedroom. I go, he died in our room. She's like, yeah. Why does that scare you? I go, yeah. I was like, you could have never told me that.

[B]

He died in the corner with the GoPro. She's like, there's no GoPro in the.

[A]

Corner with the GoPro. There was a house we looked at one time, and there was a body mark in between two of the rooms because the guy had died, and he had been there for a while, and it burned into the wood, and you could see on the ground on the wood, you could See his body mark on the wood. Wow. And I was like, you're reminding me.

[B]

That when I was in Amsterdam, there's something called the Museum of Death and.

[A]

We were in there.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, really?

[A]

I've been to Amsterdam a lot and I did a TV show in Amsterdam, so.

[B]

Yeah, so you've been there. When we went there, we were very stoned. Terrible idea. And you know it. So they rent plots in Amsterdam, in the Netherlands. So you get a plot for a certain amount of time, but then they dig you up, they exhume you. And then this museum. Terrible idea is just people's belongings that they found in their coffins. So it's literally just old glasses and a pocket watch and a handkerchief and it's. You're walking around and you're just like. First of all, it's like quite a ways outside of the city. It's not really a museum. It's just kind of like a building. And three, the people giving the tour looked like they were at gunpoint. They were so scared. The tour people were terrified. It wasn't an act. This was like the most boring museum. And they were like. And in this room we have some of the baby cops, you know. And then a door slammed and the woman jumped and screamed and it was not part of the fun. She was just like, I picked the wrong choice.

[A]

Zach and Aaron Goodwin run ghost adventures. I think I'm saying it right. And they have. I was friends with them and they would. And they would say they would go to these houses and they'd bring spirits home with them and that. And that their houses were then. Because they'd have spirits in their houses that they. That. And Zach has bought. I mean, you do have to Google it. And I don't want to say. I don't want to misrepresent it, but Zach has bought like beds mass murderers killed their victims on. And he bought the house Linda Bianca lived in. Right around here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The. Where. Where? The chart where the mat. He bought that house. Or maybe not. Linda. No, Linda Bianca. Linda Bianca was one. The one before Sharon Tate. Right.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

She was. Her husband was a. Was a. A supermarket mogul.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And they killed her. I think the Bianca's. And he bought the bed and he bought the house. The house. The house that they wanted. The house he. Because he's into that for whatever his. His love is. Yeah. His paranormal. Yeah. His. Yeah. His presale code is death.

[B]

Okay, let's. We're gonna lighten the mood.

[A]

Good call.

[B]

Bring it in. For Atlantic. I. I love this mood.

[A]

I just.

[B]

Yeah, be too one note, because this is freaky deaky, and you already kind of did it since you did the show, like, over, I feel like, eight years ago.

[A]

Was that the last time I did your show?

[B]

It was at the. It wasn't Meltdown. It was about eight years.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah, it was crazy. I. You know what I remember from it? We were riffing so much, at one point you went. We're dancing. Like, we were laughing, and we didn't really know each other.

[A]

No. Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, I had another memory. I remember when Segura did it, he was on the phone and he was whispering what Dave Chappelle said. Like, Chappelle had all those jokes about Louis. And you remember there was a climate that you couldn't even, like, say the jokes that Chappelle said about it, because we were still kind of. It was baby steps of a new time. And I remember Cigar before he went in, as if he was, you know, saying the nuclear. Nuclear launch codes. He was like, yeah. And he said, bitch, you can't hang up the phone. He was like that. And I was like, wow, that was. That was a very interesting time. Okay, what was I saying? Oh, you already said it. That one of the times you laughed the hardest in your life. You already said one. This is the new question we ask at the end. Can you think of the time you laugh the hardest, the most in your life, but you don't have to burden yourself with finding the time? Is there a time where you're laughing to the point of tears? Maybe you're a kid, Maybe someone fell. Maybe someone farted. Speaking of which, I thought of a roast joke for you. I was like, you can't stop working. You're like the frumpy Kevin Hart. You're like Kevin Fart. It's not quite right.

[A]

Kevin Shart.

[B]

You're Kevin Shart. Yeah. Thank you. You just improved it. Bert's like, Kevin Shart.

[A]

I can quantify down only because I love laughter. I'm going to give you just a couple of my favorite laughs I've ever had in my life. Number one, you can find online. And this is one of the hardest I've ever laughed in my life. Tom and I had. We had just started really hanging out and being friends, and we went to Hawaii together and with. With our wives. And I was drinking, and he. We went upstairs, and he asked me if I would shave his back. And in shaving his back, I realized that his armpit hair was connected to his Tit hair. And I said, hey, man, can I just hollow that out for you? And we're happy to be recording this. What's the matter?

[B]

Freaking out how funny this is?

[A]

So I.

[B]

Can I hollow that out for you?

[A]

Just so I go, you wanted to.

[B]

Make it a peninsula.

[A]

Make it so that you had armpa hair and chest hair. That wasn't one set of hair.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I said, what I do is, I'll Caesar my tits. I'll seize her them. I'll cut the hair like this so they look more defined. I'll do it for you. You're gonna look so much better. I'm being very earnest.

[B]

Stop it.

[A]

What?

[B]

This is too much. You're saying it like it's normal, but it's not. It's so funny. It's not like the weirdest thing I've ever heard, but it's very funny to have you be like. So naturally. I said, I can Caesar your tits.

[A]

Caesar them out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm dying your armpits. I'm dying a little diamond under there. You look. You look good. So I take the clippers and I do the first tit. And as I bring it around the corner, I'm too close to the forest. See the trees. As I pull back, I realize it looks like his tits are wearing sunglasses. And it looks ridiculous, and it looks really bad. And I also, in my head, I know this is our first of six days in Hawaii where he's gonna have to wear just double down.

[B]

You should have done horizontal lines, like those 80s sunglasses. You should have just made it look like it.

[A]

And I'm laughing so hard that I can't apologize. And he's like. And all he's saying with very vulnerable eyes, is, does it look good? And I'm going, oh, no, it's not. It's not great. And then he goes into the bathroom, and you can see the video of me, of me sitting on the toilet, sweating. And I can't stop laughing because he is not happy. And he's like, looks horrible. Okay, that's one. What did you. What did he do?

[B]

Did he just shave it all off?

[A]

No, no, no. He left it like that. Wore a shirt at the beach the whole week.

[B]

Oh, my God. By the way, that reminds me of one of my other favorite moments in the machine. What is when the guy has his throat cut and you go, don't touch it. It's bad.

[A]

It's bad. It's bad. Don't touch it.

[B]

It's bad.

[A]

Another time we were smoking weed. I was Smoking weed with my sister and both my sisters, and we were on Catalina island, and we were the big group. We were camping, and someone said, you know, there's buffalo here. And my sister said, really? And they said, yeah. The owner for the cubs, they used to do spring training out here. And so the owner for the cubs brought out like he owned it. They did the spring training, and he brought the buffalo out for that. He brought the buffalo out. And my sister goes for a scrimmage. And I went, huh? She. And then I had a visual of the cubs warming up on the home field side, throwing the thing. The owner coming out in a seersucker suit with a big cigar and a fucking straw hat, seeing the cubs warming out and then looking over and seeing buffalo grazing on the other side for the visitor team, and goes, I meant the fucking team, not the guy. And so. And I couldn't stop laughing. I could not stop fucking laughing. I could not stop laughing. I meant the team. I could. I was just. All I could hear was in my head that, okay, another one to scrimmage. Sugura tells me that he has met Jennifer Aniston. This is. You can find this one online. He tells me that he's met Jennifer Aniston. And I go, bro, I thought we were a fucking team. Like, if you're gonna meet Jennifer Aniston, you gotta bring me with you. And he tells him it's his long story. At the end, he tells me it's a lie. And I go, why the fuck would you do that?

[B]

He's done that to me.

[A]

Yeah, that's big lies. And so I go. I go, hold on. You've established one fact, and that is if we meet Jennifer Aniston, we're doing it together. And he goes, okay, that's a deal. And I go. He goes, where should we do it? And I said, well, what do you mean, where should we do it? I go, we're not doing it at your house. And I go, and we can't do it at my house. It's too small. We'll do it at her house. And he goes, do we bring our wives? And I go, no, we're not bringing our fucking wives. And he goes. I go, can she bring someone? And he says, yeah, she can bring someone for safety. And then he goes, maybe that's not the message we want to put out. And I start laughing so hard because I can. All I can see is his eyes saying, for safety. And then he goes, maybe that's not the message. And I could not stop Laughing. It's the heart. It's one of the hardest I've ever laughed in my life, for both of us. And he's like, maybe that's not the message we want to put up. I laughed so hard. I laughed so hard. And that. But only followed by the hardest I've ever laughed. And I'm. And I. And please. Caveat. I may find harder times. I've laughed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's the hardest times I've ever laughed is when I told him I drank a gallon of Kool Aid, and I didn't understand why he was laughing at first.

[B]

Is this the most recent clip?

[A]

The most recent clip is we were sitting there, and he said. He said, what are you on there? I said, kool Aid. And I'm being so honest. And that's.

[B]

I know that I'm so earnest.

[A]

You're being. I'm at the funniest when I'm not trying to be funny.

[B]

You're not trying. I watched this clip. I loved it.

[A]

And he goes, what flavor? I go, red. Red. And he's like, red Kool Aid. And I said, it's the best. Try it. I said, get yourself some. And so he pours a cup. He goes, this really is Kool Aid. I go, yeah, what did you think it was? I'm at the time. I don't think there's anything to mock about what I'm doing. He sips it, and he goes, this is. You're drinking a gallon of Kool Aid. And I said, yeah. And he goes. He starts laughing, and he goes, people look at you, and they go, look at that guy. He's so healthy. He's drinking water. You're drinking Kool Aid. And as soon as he said that, I went, oh, yeah, maybe that's not so healthy. And then he goes, you're drinking Kool Aid. You're drinking a gallon of Kool Aid. And as he's laughing, I'm realizing, oh, this is not healthy. But I thought it was healthy. And I'm.

[B]

Because it's so watery.

[A]

Because it's so watery. And I'm going, oh, yeah. And then as he's laughing, I'm realizing how ridiculous I am. And at one point, I go, doesn't you ever not realize how different you are until someone points it out and you're like, I'm really different. And I. And that when we laughed at Kool Aid and I'd never watched it. I'd never watched it. We just had a good laugh. And then I sent it. I sent it to My dad and my. My dad. My dad was. For Thanksgiving, my dad says, buddy, the two bears thing, is that, like, a big deal? I said, no, it's just our podcast. And he was like, yeah, but my friends have said the. There's a Kool Aid clip. And I went, oh, yeah. Like, I drink Kool Aid. And he goes, huh? I said, well, I don't know. And we're at my sister's house. I go, just play the clip. I'd never seen it. And my dad was crying, laughing, and he. And he goes, you drink a gallon of Kool Aid.

[B]

You drink a gallon of Kool Aid.

[A]

And I was like. I was like. And again, I'm going. I didn't realize how fucked up. And I watched it the first time, and I was crying.

[B]

It was like seeing someone else's life.

[A]

It really was.

[B]

A weird guy drinking a gallon of Kool Aid.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A grown man.

[A]

A grown man drinking a gallon of Koolaid.

[B]

But, Bert, here you are today drinking a gallon of Kool Aid.

[A]

I can't stop. It's red.

[B]

And you say it like a little kid.

[A]

It's red.

[B]

What flavor is it? Red.

[A]

It's so good.

[B]

Well, we're not gonna be able to talk. What a great edit. You are a dream guest, Buddy.

[A]

I love you.

[B]

I love.

[A]

I love having talks with you. You're so great.

[B]

Thanks, man.

[A]

You're so great. Let's get together this next.

[B]

Let's see.

[A]

End of the summer, we'll do some shows together and hang out, do some dinner. Oxy's.

[B]

I mean, Oxnard show.

[A]

Some Oxies. Don't call them Oxy. Well, we call it Oxy's in Oxnard.

[B]

I think that's probably been taken. That's been taken. I would love any excuse to do something together and laugh again. What a delight you are. Would you everybody go see the machine? I clearly.

[A]

Please check it out. It should be on. Should be coming out on vod. I think it's got one more week in theaters. Vod. It'll be in theaters for a while, but VOD is coming out.

[B]

And then it's worth seeing in the theater.

[A]

And then. And then we'll be out. I'm sure we'll be on a streamer soon.

[B]

The other joke I love was Mark Hamill getting out of the car playing your dad, and he goes, now, this is the kind of Russian architecture I was hoping to see. I was like, that joke.

[A]

There was so much of that that we had to cut out just for time.

[B]

Just him being a guy Just him being here.

[A]

He was really. There was so many fucking funny. We have a great moment that we had to cut for time of me and him inside the fucking train station.

[B]

Yeah. It was huge sets, by the way, too. That train looked dope.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And also, here's a great. I think he's so. Mark Hamill's so funny in it, and I don't know if he gives a fuck, but I'm like, it was zero percent Skywalker. He completely vanished. He just was that guy.

[A]

A lot of people saying, this is the best movie's ever been in that.

[B]

Is overly a new hopeful.

[A]

Yeah. I said, mark, wouldn't it be cool if we did three of these?

[B]

That is like, let's set up for a Sikh.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, it is. It is the Mexican mafia.

[B]

I mean, we'll see. I'll be there. Would you say keep it. We wrote it out for you. Keep it crispy. It's just how we end. Thank you for doing this.

[A]

Where do I want me to say it?

[B]

Just say it to me. You can just say it to me.

[A]

I. Pete. Keep it crispy.

[B]

We did. We did today.

[A]

Great, man. Oh, I loved it. That was fun as.