Brian Bahe

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Guest: Brian Bahe

Air Date: March 20, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode features comedian Brian Bahe in a free-wheeling, deeply funny, and surprisingly thoughtful conversation with Pete Holmes. Their discussion riffs on stand-up, cultural identity, internet culture, life lessons from comedy, and the search for deeper meaning beyond career success. Both comedians share stories about life on and off stage, exploring vulnerability, bombing, identity, generational change, and the weird beauty of the awkward moments in life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Punctuality, Anxiety, and the Stand-Up Lifestyle

• Opening Anecdotes about Being Late/Early
  • Pete and Brian begin by joking about being on time; Brian confesses he's "infamously late" to everything, setting up the theme of self-acceptance and embracing your quirks. (03:06–03:39)
  • Pete brings up one of Brian's bits about the joy of thinking you're late but actually being early, and how that's "the feeling of MDMA."

    “Thinking you're late, so you're rushing and then realizing you're actually early. Cause you wrote the time down wrong. And that is the feeling of MDMA.”
    — Pete Holmes (03:56–04:05)

2. The Riff Zone: Airplanes as Dramatic Buses

• Both comedians go on a playful extended riff imagining airplanes as “buses in capes,” complete with drag elements, high heels, and sashaying down the runway.

  “Bus with a cape. It's bus drag.”
  — Brian Bahe (07:08)

  • The riff morphs into children's cartoon territory, and Pete dubs it the best "opening riff" of the year.

    “That was a great. I think you just won the Weirdy for best opening riff.”
    — Pete Holmes (08:19)

3. Reflections on the Comedy Scene & Influence

• WTF and Comedy Podcast Lore

  • Pete and Brian swap stories about Marc Maron, “WTF,” and crossing podcast "milestones," reflecting on the allure and perils of big moments like landing a huge guest (Obama) and how fame changes creative work. (09:00–12:13)
  • They riff on how the podcast landscape—and celebrity—has shifted, with Pete comparing current podcasting to the 70s movie scene with "everyone [having] more weight."

• Bombing and Growth

  • Both describe the necessity—and unexpected joy—of bombing on stage as vital to growth as a comedian.

    “I think bombing is what it's all about. If you're not bombing, you're not growing.”
    — Brian Bahe (26:50)

  • Pete shares stories about opening for Bill (Billy) Burr and the wisdom of established comics:

    “He would make it clear, like, you're good. Don't worry. Sometimes it's just like this. That's what he said to me.”
    — Pete Holmes (26:22–26:32)

4. Comedy, Internet Culture, and Micro-Celebrities

• The discussion turns to "third spaces" (places outside work/home) and how they've shifted online—especially into comment sections.

  “People are not going to bowling alleys anymore. They're only going to the comments section to interact with others.”
  — Brian Bahe (19:34)

  • Pete remarks on the difference between real-life risk (bombing) and the sterile environment of internet fame; the internet is "methadone" compared to the real high of stand-up.

5. Identity, Representation, and Subverting Expectations

• Brian talks candidly about being Indigenous and gay—sometimes being “Asian-passing” and not fitting neatly into any label or expectation, much to his delight.

  “I like to think I'm categoryless.”
  — Brian Bahe (89:40)

  • He jokes about how increased awareness of marginalized groups sometimes lets mediocre members of the group "fly under the radar" just for being visible—a funny but biting commentary on identity politics.

• They riff about who gets to use “gay” as a pejorative:

  “FCO? 'For Children Only.' I think they are allowed to use gay as a pejorative ... up until, I'll say, 17.”
  — Brian Bahe (33:39–34:23)

6. Comedy Generations, Persona, and "Flatness"

• Pete and Brian discuss changes in stand-up style: past generations were bigger and louder, while the current trend is more understated and "flat," something Brian finds surprising even about his own stage presence.

  “In my head, I am doing full Sebastian Maniscalco ... and then I do remember the first time I watched a video of myself doing stand-up, I was like, huh?”
  — Brian Bahe (85:46–86:05)

7. Meaning of Life, Documentary Final Scenes, and Transcendence

• Both imagine the finales of their hypothetical documentaries—Pete dreamily envisions a scene where he "got smaller by choice," embracing something deeper and less fame-driven; Brian visualizes himself peacefully walking in the Arizona desert at 85.

  “He did what he did, and he loved it. And then he got smaller. Yeah, he got smaller by choice. He didn't resist ... he settled down and discovered something far more valuable than seeking approval.”
  — Pete Holmes (46:31–47:33)

• They agree: everything you want is on the other side of what you fear, and true contentment lies beyond professional achievement.

8. Stories of Vulnerability and Healing

• Brian shares about attending a tantric massage retreat in Mexico, describing the vulnerability, awkwardness, and eventual connection (and joy) of group intimacy ("naked dance party"). (77:50–80:41)

  “It would be so easy to hate everything that's happening ... but you give yourself over to it. It was beautiful.”
  — Brian Bahe (79:16–79:35)

  • Both Pete and Brian reflect on the power of dancing to dissolve boundaries and reinvigorate the spirit.

9. The Growing-Up Indigenous and Gay in Arizona

• Brian talks about coming out late (age 25) as a byproduct of both the region and his much-older parents' generational norms, rather than any specific hostility.

  “So Arizona come out was like ... closeted until like, 25.”
  — Brian Bahe (101:13–101:17)

10. Meta-Commentary & Memorable Moments

• Pete continuously encourages Brian to turn their riffs into bits for stand-up—especially the airplane as a drag bus.

  “There's a chance ... I'm gonna rewatch ... Like, that's the. You can't. It becomes corny if you just say, for sure. Planes are bus. Like, that's corny. But if you find how we got into it ...”
  — Pete Holmes (104:10–104:21)

• “Keep it crispy”—in classic "You Made It Weird" fashion—ends the show. (106:34)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On What Makes Stand-Up Special:

  “Bombing is beautiful. If you're not bombing, you're not growing.”
  — Brian Bahe (26:45)

• On the Final Scene:

  “He got smaller by choice. He didn't resist ... discovered something far more valuable than seeking approval.”
  — Pete Holmes (47:14–47:33)

• On Third Spaces:

  “People are not going to bowling alley alleys anymore. They're only going to the comments section...”
  — Brian Bahe (19:34)

• On Comedy Personas

  “In my head, I am doing full Sebastian Maniscalco ... then I do remember the first time I watched a video of myself ... huh?”
  — Brian Bahe (85:46–86:05)

• On the Power of Dancing

  “Dancing is, like, truly one of the coolest things you can do ... I do fully believe [it staves off depression].”
  — Brian Bahe (68:26–68:54)

• On Labels & Identity

  “I like to think I'm categoryless. ... These are things that we feel like we need to identify [with].”
  — Brian Bahe (89:40, 89:52)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|----------------------------| | 03:06–03:39 | Brian's famous lateness & MDMA bit | | 07:00–08:28 | “Bus with a cape” / plane riff | | 09:00–12:13 | WTF/Marc Maron/Obama podcasting lore | | 19:34–20:21 | Third spaces & the comments section | | 26:22–26:58 | Bill Burr on bombing (“Sometimes it's just like this”) | | 33:39–34:23 | “Gay as a pejorative” — For Children Only riff | | 46:19–47:33 | Hypothetical documentary final scenes and wisdom | | 68:26–68:54 | Power of dancing, TikTok and mental health | | 73:01–73:16 | “Beautiful. Accept it. You're late.”| | 77:50–80:41 | Tantric retreat in Mexico; vulnerability and healing | | 85:46–86:05 | Real-life vs. imagined stage persona | | 106:34 | “Keep it crispy” — show sign-off |

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The Episode's Spirit

In keeping with the "You Made It Weird" tradition, this episode is an authentic hang with quick pivots between profound wisdom and absurd bits. Pete nudges Brian to mine their conversation for material, but the focus always returns to comedy’s unique power: resilience, connection, and permission to be odd. The episode dances between cultural commentary, identity talk, dissecting stand-up mechanics, and celebrating the weird, ephemeral moments that make life—especially a comedian’s life—so rich.

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Summary

For those who haven’t listened, Pete Holmes and Brian Bahe create a tapestry of relatable neuroses, comic optimism, and honest self-reflection. The pair balance tales of bombing and fleeting fame with real insight about community, fulfillment beyond the spotlight, and the joy of just being weird. The episode is both hilarious and sincere—an invitation to accept yourself, embrace awkwardness, and maybe, once in a while, dance it out.

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Show Notes prepared by: Expert Podcast Summarizer (AI)

Transcript

[Brian Behe]

You made it with. You made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it weird. Yes, you made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is Brian Behe, who I met when I was hosting New Faces in Montreal, and he blew me away. He is indigenous. He is hilarious. Uh, he. I just. From the word go. I was so locked in and so enjoying this conversation. So I want to get to it as quickly as possible. Check Brian out whenever you can. Check him on the. On the interwebs. B A H E. Brian Behe. He is phenomenal. As you're about to see, my book, my kids book, spells to cast on your parents, which is really, really fun and silly, is available for preorder. Pre. Pre order. And they tell me pre orders really help kind of get the. Get eyeballs on the book visibility for the book. So if you're planning on maybe getting my kids book, which is about a book of spells that children aren't supposed to read, and it's guarded by a small black dragon named Jesse, but then you read it and the dragon kind of tries to kick you out, and the kids cast spells on the parent to, like, prove they're a wizard. That's a good little synopsis. Check it out. I'm so proud of it. My first kids book, spells to cast on your parents. Please pre order it. That would mean a lot. Also, my special silly, silly fun boy is gonna be dropping on YouTube on March 24th. Please, please, please, please, please check it out. And that's absolutely free, so just keep it on loop for a few months. Get those numbers up. Right. Am I right? And I am on tour. All of the tour dates are on PeteHomes.com, tallahassee is next. Irving, Texas. Madison, Wisconsin. Denver, Durham, Charleston, Vancouver, Seattle. Portland, Oregon. We just added a second show for Portland, Oregon, but in the meantime, enjoy my chat with the incredible Brian Behe. Tour Tickets are on PeteHomes.com I should have said that. Brian Behe. He's here. I loved it. You'll love it. Glad you're here. Get into it.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Hi, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus here, and I can't wait for you to hear our new episode of Wiser than Me with Cyndi Lauper on Amazon Music. Cindy may be a girl who just wants to have fun, but for 40 years, she has brought playfulness and a dash of punk to some serious activism. We talk about her lifelong LGBTQ advocacy, her astonishing music career, and pick up a whole lot of wisdom along the way listen now. Only on Amazon Music included with Prime.

[Brian Behe]

How was the drive?

[Pete Holmes]

It was fine. My wife forgot her phone. I love that you asked because it's for a good reason. I'm usually early. Okay.

[Brian Behe]

I feel like I knew that. And so I was like, I have to be on time.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, that I'm early. That's true.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I love when people are early. And I love that you were early.

[Brian Behe]

You. Well, the thing about me is I'm infamously late.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that true?

[Brian Behe]

Everything I.

[Pete Holmes]

Is this real?

[Brian Behe]

Our yesterday. I was supposed to go to a friend's party.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, keep going. This is the opening anecdote. Are you nuts? Good.

[Brian Behe]

Was supposed to go to a friend's pool. Was supposed to be there at 1. Told them I would leave my apartment at 2. Did not go. And that's kind of my vibe.

[Pete Holmes]

Did not go.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Your line, one of the best lines ever about mdma. Do you remember it? The feeling of ecstasy is arriving somewhere. Do you want me to do it?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, please.

[Pete Holmes]

Thinking you're late, so you're rushing and then realizing you're actually early. Cause you wrote the time down wrong.

[Brian Behe]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And that is the feeling of mdma.

[Brian Behe]

Holy shit. You just reminded us of your own bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Of your own bit. But it's related to your vibe because you're running late a lot.

[Brian Behe]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Actually, I was trying to predict the punchline casually.

[Brian Behe]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Not in a gotcha way, but, like, just going, like, I wonder if he's going to say, and it's cancelled. Like, that's also a great feeling. You know what I mean? You get there and it's cancelled and

[Brian Behe]

it's canceled is good. But then canceled is a little bit like. But then you're just like, what? I'm going to have to do this again. You know?

[Pete Holmes]

That's true. I like yours better. You're absolutely right. You played out the tape. It's canceled, but that means they're gonna reschedule. And it's a whole series of texts.

[Brian Behe]

It's so crazy that, like, you have to keep arriving places and, like, doing stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't think about it. Really don't think about it. Like, if you think about how much of life is moving you to places at a time. You said you'd be there.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, how did we fuck this up?

[Brian Behe]

But then there's also something that's very beautiful about it, too.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me what you mean. Cause I'm stuck in like.

[Brian Behe]

Like, I'll be driving some. And I'm like, this is great.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me. Just like, I think you're just in a good mood.

[Brian Behe]

I think that is it. I think that's it.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I can totally join you in that. Because yes, like so much of life is unnecessary, but it feels good to do stuff.

[Brian Behe]

There is something. Really? Yeah, there's something.

[Pete Holmes]

You could just get dry food.

[Brian Behe]

For sure.

[Pete Holmes]

You could have a house in the woods and dry food.

[Brian Behe]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what makes the Unabomber so weird. Doesn't he want to go places?

[Brian Behe]

He. And what's.

[Pete Holmes]

There's get out there.

[Brian Behe]

The. Like, commuting is actually kind of cool sometimes.

[Pete Holmes]

I. Okay. Let me know if you're. This is the area you're in. Okay. When I'm late for a flight, if someone's. Or even better someone's like, can you do it Tuesday? And I'm like, I can't. I'm flying to St. Louis on Tuesday.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a part of me that's like, oh my God, like, this is what I played as a kid. I can't. I can't. I'm flying to St. Louis on Tuesday. Like, you just want. There's people in St. Louis that are waiting for me. How grown up, how amazing, right?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. You, like, in your wildest dreams, you're like, that could be a thing. And now. It is a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a thing. I gotta be sitting in the sky. I can't on Tuesday. Yeah, I'm gonna be in the sky.

[Brian Behe]

I gotta be, you know, cramped up between two people. I'll be cramped watching a 47 year old man swipe through Bumblebee. Well, as we're waiting to take off.

[Pete Holmes]

I kind of can't believe you said that. Because I flew to Miami this past week and the woman in the flight, on the flight next to me. It's a five hour flight. Yeah, five and a half. If you include like, you know, when the plane is a car.

[Brian Behe]

Right, right, right. A plane. A plane in a lane.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

And then doing those turns. It's very funny.

[Pete Holmes]

It's car passing for sure. It's a car passing airplane briefly. And it's like, are we. It's. It's a bus.

[Brian Behe]

It's giving us.

[Pete Holmes]

You give good bus.

[Brian Behe]

Bus with a cape. It's bus drag.

[Pete Holmes]

Bus in a cape is what a plane is. It's a fabulous bus that's like. It's like a Freddie Mercury. Backlit, sparkling. I'm taking you to Miami. Like, it's really kind of.

[Brian Behe]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Flamboyant. It's a flamboyant bus.

[Brian Behe]

It has the tires. It has, like, little tires, too, which

[Pete Holmes]

feel kind of like high heels. They feel kind of like.

[Brian Behe]

And it's tiny.

[Pete Holmes]

Tiny little. And it's doing. It does it so slow. It does the turns. It's like a swoop. It's a swoop. Swoosh.

[Brian Behe]

A sachet.

[Pete Holmes]

Sachet. It's a sachet onto the Runway.

[Brian Behe]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Do this bed. Do this bed.

[Brian Behe]

This is almost like a children's cartoon,

[Pete Holmes]

I think everything we're saying. Yeah. Yes. That there's, like, the fabulous airplane. The fabulous Airbus.

[Brian Behe]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The fabulous Mr. Airbus to make it more kid friendly. But then it goes onto the Runway.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then it takes off. I don't know. There's no double meaning there.

[Brian Behe]

And then Death Drop is a crash.

[Pete Holmes]

You can go dark now. It's not an HBO show. It's a gritty HBO show. Yeah. That was a great. I think you just won the Weirdy for best opening riff.

[Brian Behe]

Whoa. Crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

It's early in the year, but I'm naming it Brian Beh.

[Brian Behe]

If I can be H as an honest.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

I. When I was starting out in comedy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

I was working a nonprofit job in Washington, D.C. yeah. I think I was downing episodes of Mark Maron.

[Pete Holmes]

You being age about DC Right now,

[Brian Behe]

I can only be H about DC

[Pete Holmes]

when you're in DC you are pledging to be H. Keep going. You're downing.

[Brian Behe]

Downing Mark Marin downing wtf.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're being aged about DC you're downing WTF stuff.

[Brian Behe]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

As a young.

[Brian Behe]

I think you're a guest.

[Pete Holmes]

I. This is weird, man. I forget I was driving in.

[Brian Behe]

I forget.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just crossing. We're here in Los Feliz and I was crossing after the last. It doesn't matter. We're crossing a crosswalk right by the Fred 62 over there.

[Brian Behe]

Sure. Mark Marino's Cray fries.

[Pete Holmes]

Great fries. Great fries.

[Brian Behe]

Just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

Not great fries.

[Brian Behe]

If there was, don't remember it.

[Pete Holmes]

Nothing. Look, I don't want to drag Fred62 shout out. Thanks for being open. Yeah. Big pandemic place for us.

[Brian Behe]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

But yeah, yeah, I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

Not. Not. It's not Fred 100. It's Fred 62 out of 100. I mean, honest, local Los Feliz riff. But Marc Maron is crossing the street.

[Brian Behe]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. I thought of a riff. He looked, you know, he looks like a pirate. That's kind of like, you know, he's visiting the land.

[Brian Behe]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

He's seeing what spices are available. Like boots with a big floppy fold over.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? He's like, where are those boots? And that's the energy. And I just said, crosswalk conversation. And he goes, always. Because it, like, meaning he doesn't want to talk to me that long.

[Brian Behe]

That's perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Little interaction. But. Sorry, Brian, I was to interrupt. I'm driving in.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't normally think this way. You know, you don't choose your thoughts. They're just kind of showing up.

[Brian Behe]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, it's weird that I was never on wtf. And then I was like. But I was. He had me on a mini episode. Like, an episode that had, like, short. So I did get to go to the garage. Cause I. If I'm being honest, I'm making fun of Maren's pirate flavor. But, like. Which is just gruff. But I'm like, I did. I do consider a piece of comedy history. And I thought it was very cool that I got to sit in that studio.

[Brian Behe]

You should. I did especially.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was thinking about it this morning, and you just mentioned it.

[Brian Behe]

Sorry. Especially early. Because they think that was early. Right?

[Pete Holmes]

It was her mayor.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was pre bomb.

[Brian Behe]

Pre Obama bomb was like, Bomb is

[Pete Holmes]

like, where do we go from here?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't come in the middle of sex. It's over.

[Brian Behe]

And Obama, once Baum was on Marin, was essentially Oprah. Like, he transitioned from Marin to Oprah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, that's right. In my eyes, I completely agree. You become a different thing.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He could write a book called all about that and I would read it. Yeah. Not the Curse of Oprah, but, like, the Turning point. You know what I mean?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're never. I don't know, maybe. You know what I was thinking? I was like, I'm having people. I still have people I like on the podcast. I think that might have been where I started.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. Because I was thinking, you know. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Listening to your stand up, and I was like, this is going to be great. I'm excited that you're on.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Then I was thinking about how literally about once you go Obama, you can't go back. Like, just comics. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Behe]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you're fabulous. I think you're destined for wonderful things. My attitude when people, like, maybe hundreds of millions of people don't know about you is like, interview you as if that thing has already happened, because I believe it will. And I think you're fantastic. So that's a little taste of where I'm coming from. And there's the slightest appreciation of, like, we're pre Obama over here.

[Brian Behe]

I think it's almost like he transitioned from comedian to, like, journalist. He was a legit journalist at that point.

[Pete Holmes]

I hear what you're saying, and I'm

[Brian Behe]

like, damn, that's kind of cool.

[Pete Holmes]

It was cool, but then he. Then he hung it up.

[Brian Behe]

Rip.

[Pete Holmes]

Rip. Wtf. Wtf. Over. Wtf.

[Brian Behe]

Wtf? Does that mean that's up for grabs now?

[Pete Holmes]

You can do it. You can start a podcast called WTF

[Brian Behe]

with Mark, but with a K. Mark.

[Pete Holmes]

K. Baron. Baron.

[Brian Behe]

Baron.

[Pete Holmes]

Mark Baron.

[Brian Behe]

First guess is Barron Trump.

[Pete Holmes]

Second guess is Baron Vaughn. Because you're still doing comics and also huge political figures. This is your show.

[Brian Behe]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

How funny would it be if you started a podcast called WTF with Brian Behy?

[Brian Behe]

I think the girls would eat it up.

[Pete Holmes]

You think they'd be in?

[Brian Behe]

No, I think no one would know about it. And I would do 50 episodes and then hang it up, too.

[Pete Holmes]

Done. Somebody was like, do you think Maren's mad that he stopped right before Netflix and other places are, like, buying up podcasts, but he didn't do video.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. I don't know. I think it needed. I think it needed to be what it was. I think if it kept going, he would have gone, like, a little bit Jon Stewart route. I think he needed to hang it up.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what's Jon Stewart route?

[Brian Behe]

I don't know, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm not holding your feet to the fire. I'm just trying to get the riff.

[Brian Behe]

I think it's more just like Jon Stewart, like, left Daily show because he was like, I'm done. I can't Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Be that. Yeah, you don't. Yes. Things atrophy. They absolutely can start to dunk.

[Brian Behe]

I could see him coming back, though, in maybe, like, five years.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I mean, if I. Well, it's because it's what I would do in. With this show. Just don't quit. Just do it once a month. Just do it twice. Twice every three months.

[Brian Behe]

David Letterman.

[Pete Holmes]

Letterman it. Yeah, but, like, keep the. I don't even mean this in a bit. What are we talking about right now? But, like, keep the subs, keep the fans. You know what I mean? Like, why throw that away? That's such a fun thing. Because I do think about Mark. It's weird that I do. I guess I see him on crosswalks

[Brian Behe]

from time to time. But, like, I think about him all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you?

[Brian Behe]

I mean, a little bit. Yeah. He leans. He looms large in my life.

[Pete Holmes]

He's a figure.

[Brian Behe]

I was. I did a show at The Elysian a few nights ago.

[Pete Holmes]

Flex.

[Brian Behe]

Small, small room. He was in the big room. And as I was leaving, I saw him in the parking lot just, like, talking to somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, no, he's got a classic. I think that's one of the reasons he's found. I like this. I hope everyone listening like this. I think we can't worry about Marin's.

[Brian Behe]

Marin's rewinding and playing this back.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope he likes it. He doesn't like the thing about the pirate, but I think I could explain why. That's not insulting. But like, he. I think one of the reasons he does well, cast in, like, period pieces and stuff.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like. Like the Joker. And he played that radio DJ who was assassinated. I don't. And I'm blanking.

[Brian Behe]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

But he. He has the gravitas.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Of a guy in the 70s. You know how the 70s, everybody was real. There were, like, fewer people for sure. Or you had access. There were less. So everybody kind of had more weight. If you were in a movie, it had to have, like, a certain weight to you. Like, I don't even know what I mean, but I love that you're trying.

[Brian Behe]

I feel like you do understand. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, right?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There was less.

[Brian Behe]

There was less.

[Pete Holmes]

Now there's like, stars. I'll never. Not only do I not know them, I'll never know them. I'll never. You don't know them. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. By definition, there are people that millions of people are obsessed with. We don't know them.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we'll never know them. In the 70s, you might not know who Steve McQueen is, but you will for sure. You'll find out at some point. Yeah, but now we'll go our whole lives not knowing who. I can't say who it is because I don't know who they are.

[Brian Behe]

Carolina.

[Pete Holmes]

Carolina. I was going to say Logan Paul, but that's how out of touch I am. I'm like those Internet boys, the Paul brothers.

[Brian Behe]

There's. Sometimes I'll like. I have a comedy show where it's like. It's astrology themed, so we have, like, comedians. What's that?

[Pete Holmes]

Bh. Are you into straw?

[Brian Behe]

I mean, yes, but no.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll talk about it later. Keep going. Okay, I write it down. It's squeaky. You can really hear that.

[Brian Behe]

I write. What's your sign, by the way?

[Pete Holmes]

Aries. But my moon rising is Taurus.

[Brian Behe]

Reset. Recent people.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm gonna be. My birthday's on the 30th.

[Brian Behe]

Of March.

[Pete Holmes]

Of this month. Of this month.

[Brian Behe]

Whoa. Okay. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So. Well, I want to talk about it.

[Brian Behe]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you.

[Brian Behe]

I have not a lot to say about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, good. All I know is Aries are stubborn. But then my wife said your moon sign is way more important and I'm a Taurus.

[Brian Behe]

I think your rising sign is more important.

[Pete Holmes]

What does that mean?

[Brian Behe]

It's like what you present as.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really? Yeah, I'm a. I'm a sky bus. I'd look it up, but who cares? Okay, keep going. So you do this show.

[Brian Behe]

I do.

[Pete Holmes]

I care. But people, right?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, I do this show and it's like. So sometimes, like, I do a slideshow at the beginning of the show to intro the audience to like, this is what this sign is. Here are like some celebrities that are also this sign.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, nice.

[Brian Behe]

And I'll google famous celebrities that are like Tauruses. And the first, like 20 are people I've never heard of.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Brian Behe]

They're a bunch of like 23 year old actors or actresses, like TikTok people. And I'm like, who is this person?

[Pete Holmes]

I have this experience all the time. It's what. We sometimes have these people on the podcast because it's like my way of being like, I want to know what's happening. It's already happening. Not only do I not know who theirs are, and I don't just mean young people, it's everybody. There's just so many microclimates and some of them don't know who mine are. They don't know who Ryan Gosling is. They don't know who Christian Bale is. They don't know who. I mean, they know who Batman is, but they're a Pattinson baton.

[Brian Behe]

It's. It's fun to come across a TikTok. It's like a very. It'll be like the Bodyguard or like something. A movie that you feel like everybody should know. Yeah, it's just like a clip from it and then the comments are like, what's this movie? Tell me the movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course. I have a real soft spot for people that take a moment in a movie and then the caption is. I'll give you an example. It's Sylvester Stallone. I don't know what movie it is, but it's like me every year when my wife asks me why I don't put Christmas lights on the roof. And he's going, is that what you want to hear? That I'm scared. I'm scared. Like, I don't know what it is. It's like probably one of the Rockies.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, probably.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'm terrified. And like, I love like a man being pushed to the point where he has to just admit, I can't put lights on the roof. That's my favorite. That and singing comments. I love singing comments.

[Brian Behe]

What does that mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes they'll put. It's mean. And I hate that my. I'm barely comments barely on social. Gotta get that on the rack. Sure. But if I do my algorithm, because I watched the whole thing, figured out that I like mean stuff, which is very dangerous, then it's like, oh, you want this? And it's just like, really, like, over the line. I don't like it, but I do. Like, if somebody with, like, enormous eyes is posting something and then all the comments are about their eyes. But it's like a roast. But it's like, really? Some of them are really fantastic. But they put it to music and they sing it like, bro can see. You can't get bro because he always sees it coming. Something like that. But. But they get better and better. And you're like, sure. Some of these are jeselnik level better than professional, like roasts.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. You know, the comments sections are actually crazy. I mean, I think the comments see them section sung to me the comment section have taken are like. I think are the third spaces of today. People are not going to bowling alley alleys anymore. They're only going to the comments section to interact with others. You mean?

[Pete Holmes]

So a third space. Help me.

[Brian Behe]

A third space is a place that is not home or work or school.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. I thought my guess on third space was where you go after you went somewhere you already went. Like you went to a party.

[Brian Behe]

Second location.

[Pete Holmes]

Second location. Oprah.

[Brian Behe]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Marin. Marin, as Marc Maron famously said, don't go to a second location after Obama. But okay, so the third space isn't the bowling alley. It's not the bar. It's not the coffee shop. It's the comment section.

[Brian Behe]

It's the comment section that's troubling. I mean, and it's a little bit sad.

[Pete Holmes]

It's troubling, but it does.

[Brian Behe]

Like, they're so good sometimes that you're like, how can I stay away?

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I remember a friend of mine was like, I'm gonna do stand up. And then 10 years later, I was like, did you ever do stand up? And they were like, no. I just posted a video of me, like, kind of saying funny things. And I was like, we don't know. I just am Old. It's fine. We just don't know what we don't know. There's the thing like stand up. There's literally doing stand up. That's part of it. But so much of it is actually the tension before and the release after. The standup is just sort of like an excuse to have this whole swirl of experience that you call your life. Being nervous, being kind of on edge, being curious, consuming other people's stand up writing stuff, having doubtful dreams. Having dreams at all. For sure, your mind has stuff to dream about, you're grappling with it, then you do it. And the doing it is only like six minutes. Yeah, but then there's the after and you like, I know I sound like Joseph Campbell right now, but you changed who you thought you were. You thought you were someone who couldn't do stand up, and then you did it. It's not just the jokes. It's not just posting it for sure. That's. That's a methadone. That's. That's like a poor excuse in the same way that pornography is a poor excuse for an actual, vulnerable, real, breathing sexual encounter.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Comment, Brian?

[Brian Behe]

I feel like early, early standup, and even now, but especially early, like living in New York, I was like, so, like, shy, scared, afraid of everything. But also there was a thing that in me that was like Brian Beheland coming at you.

[Pete Holmes]

You did cocaine. Once you googled the side effects of cocaine, it said paranoia and a general distrust of others. And you go, have I been on cocaine my entire life?

[Brian Behe]

Such a great line.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, have I been on cocaine this whole time? That would explain so much. That would explain so much, that hyper vigilance. Yeah, it sounds like this is what that time in your life, you're like, yes. What the fuck is.

[Brian Behe]

What's going on? Why is everything uncomfortable?

[Pete Holmes]

It's all a wet handshake.

[Brian Behe]

But I was always like, I need to see what's out there. And so I would push myself to do these things that I wouldn't under normal circum. If I was just working an office job, I don't think I would have done these. But I was doing standup. So I'm like, wait, this could be something. Not like I would do it specifically to tell the story on stage, but I'm like, maybe this will take me down a path and I'll learn something about myself.

[Pete Holmes]

Dungeons and Dragons? Yeah, you're in the. I've never really played Dungeons and Dragons, but like, you, you go on the

[Brian Behe]

quest, you have to go on the quest.

[Pete Holmes]

You go on the quest.

[Brian Behe]

And that's something that's like. You do it enough. You're kind of like, okay, cool, let me go on this fucking quest then.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you see, look, this analogy is going to be more fun than the bus one. But I just, like. Eventually you get a little dagger. You're kind of good at it. You know what I mean? But you see the spiders. You get a Zelda vibe. Take this. It's not safe to go alone. But you see the Rangers, like, those were the killers. When I was at the Boston Comedy Club, and I'd just go up and eat shit. Everyone's eating shit. I've told the story before, but it's a vivid memory. Bill Burr comes in. Bill Burr is not Bill Burr in the way that Bill Burr is Bill Burr. Bill Burr is just a guy in the scene, a great killer. But he comes in and I'm like, ah, fuck. Because I'm kind of, like, helping to run the club. Yeah. There's nine people here. This is embarrassing. Bill Burr walks in. I'm sorry, do you want to go up? And he's like, yeah. He goes up and murders. That's what it's like. When you see Gandalf, you're like, he turned the trolls into stone. Like, it was unbelievable. It was better than a special, like. Because he was really bringing it to these people.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. To see something that was so at zero, to go up, even better. That's what's so crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

I completely agree so much. Like, standup specials are like, we're gonna get these people boiling. The pot will already be on a rolling boil, and we're going to throw the comedian out. And it's more like surfing than boxing.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know what's more interesting than surfing? Boxing.

[Brian Behe]

For sure.

[Pete Holmes]

He went up and was like. I still remember he talked about how people thought Saddam Hussein was like, Hitler. And he went. He still got the full mustache. That was the line. And I was like. It was blowing my. Like, people didn't have takes. Like, that was like, kind of like a. You can't, like, mention Hitler. Like. Like, now I feel like takes are more common. But he was really wak people up with back of the room. Like, they say, let's go. And everyone was like, in. Somebody had to go next.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. It's like seeing the Beatles.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like seeing the Beatles in a small club. In a small.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In that German club they played in.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like 10 years.

[Brian Behe]

I feel.

[Pete Holmes]

God.

[Brian Behe]

What were you. You said something that I now did how many times did you bomb in front of a flake? Bill Burr. I'm calling him Bill.

[Pete Holmes]

Billy Burr. He was Billy Burr for a long time.

[Brian Behe]

I'm into that.

[Pete Holmes]

Billy Burr.

[Brian Behe]

I'm really into that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Bill Burr, he became Bill Burr because Bill Burr, that's more the cadence. But there was a time I think he was Billy Burr.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Billy Burr. Anyway, I opened for Bill in Peoria, Illinois, and made a video, comments disabled. An old, old video called Pete Holmes Bombing. I don't even know if it's on you. I don't know. I don't. I'm not out there checking for it, but I'm assuming it is Comments disabled. Sure. And that was me opening for Bill and bombing. And if I'm being honest, there were worse bombs. I picked a 23 out of 100.

[Brian Behe]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, other nights I was like, Fred 62, but 23. And some nights I was like three, like, getting nothing.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Bill watched me bum. And he was so cool about it. He really was.

[Brian Behe]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

He was encouraging and just like, you're good. It's good. You know, he wouldn't be this overt, like, come here. That was good stuff. Don't worry. Yeah, but like, in kind of like a hang way.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He would make it clear, like, you're good. Don't worry. It just. I remember he went like this. He went, Sometimes it's just like this. You want this, right? Sometimes it's just this. That's what he said to me.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, I bombed.

[Pete Holmes]

He didn't say, you need more punch lines. You need more confidence.

[Brian Behe]

He just went, he gets it.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes it's this, this, and sometimes I bomb still it or it doesn't go my way. And I'm just like.

[Brian Behe]

Well, first of all, I think bombing is beautiful. I think bombing.

[Pete Holmes]

All bombings are beautiful.

[Brian Behe]

I think bombing is what it's all about. If you're not bombing, you're not growing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You're not living. You're not risking.

[Brian Behe]

Yes, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that. In fact, that goes back to our thing about, like. Oh, I'll just post a video. Look, respect. I love the Internet. I love how creative people are on the Internet. But you're taking out. What were you taking out? Live audience. You're taking out risk, you're taking out adrenaline. There's some adrenaline, but you're taking out that. Like, I'm being chased by a bear. Horrible feeling. When you bomb, you sweat. You're hot.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Your body's having, like, you panic.

[Brian Behe]

You kind of. You may accidentally make eye contact with somebody and you're like, who feels bad for you? And they're like, oh my God. Or worse. Yeah. Or just to see like a friendly smile from somebody. As you're buying, you're like, it's a

[Pete Holmes]

little bit worse, isn't it? I'd rather they break. Yeah. It's funny, that weekend in Peoria where I ate, I remember there was this. I still, I could draw him. He was a big, hulking guy, young guy. And I remember seeing him in the crowd, I was like, I bet I could get that guy. Cuz I'm a tall guy. He's a tall guy. I had jokes about being tall. I'm like, I better like my tall stuff. I'm doing it. And he goes like this. He's like back lit. He goes, what the worst. Heckle.

[Brian Behe]

That's so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Not even. Boo.

[Brian Behe]

That's so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Not even. You suck. Just pardon me. Like, I don't know what you're going for. That's the first 10 years of stand up.

[Brian Behe]

That's so funny. What?

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so bombing is beautiful because you're risking it and you're feeling it and you're being brave.

[Brian Behe]

You're putting yourself out there in a way that I think takes you. Pushes you out of your comfort zone a little bit. Even if you. For only a few seconds. Yes. You get comfortable in that. You do that enough, you get comfortable in that space, you start going further, you're like, yeah, let me see what else is out there.

[Pete Holmes]

I tell my daughter this, she's way too young, I think. But I say, like, everything you want. I try and sneak it in, I go, everything you want is on the other side of something you don't want. So you don't want a bomb, but you do want to be brilliant and you want to be original. You want to be the guy that's telling the person, that's telling bits that were the result of risk. Yeah, right. But like, to do that, you have to do all this shit you don't want to do. You have to go to that open mic, you have to go to that show, you have to grind it out. It fucking sucks.

[Brian Behe]

You gotta be the first one on the dance floor sometimes. You gotta make a fool.

[Pete Holmes]

My wife just had a dance party two nights ago. The thing I'll do, I'll dance from the first song for the first 40 minutes and then I take my break. A well earned break, because everyone's dancing now. But those key dances, the key dance, where it's not. It's not happening. It's not happening yet.

[Brian Behe]

It's a dream almost. It's crazy. That's like a superpower. And every. People are probably like, I know I could never do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Some people are amazing at it. Like, made to do it. And that's kind of what a stand up is. A stand up is somebody who's trying to congeal a group of strangers into one rhythm for sure. Which is like. And that's what somebody who's trying to get a dance going. It's very similar. Would need to say.

[Brian Behe]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very like, what if it. I know you like doing this. I know you like doing this. And they won't until they're warmed up. Yeah, well, they're so. What?

[Brian Behe]

They're so. I don't even know what I was gonna.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. You're. I'm like, are we gonna start our own podcast? I feel like we need to effortlessly enjoying everything you're saying and the areas you're going as the host. Go ahead.

[Brian Behe]

Oh, okay. I remembered what I was gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

I have some of the things you were gonna say in the back pocket. Go on.

[Brian Behe]

I was the reason I asked you about people you bought that I started out with who were doing comedy. Like, maybe they were a year or two above me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

They. And I. When I would bomb in front of them, I felt like if I would see them in a room, I was like, oh, I'm gonna bomb. They're like, they only see me as somebody who bombs, no matter, like, where what happens. Unfortunately, I think that's all in my head too.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, I don't know if it's entirely in your head. I'm not trying to encourage you to be paranoid. My therapist always used to say paranoid people are right. Like, there could be an earthquake. You could have an aneurysm. Maybe they are thinking about you. But, like, there's a certain surrender to go. Like, I feel like 46. I'm like, if they are. What? What? What?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, exactly. It's like, what?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but you're. Cause you're not wrong. Because there are people in my life that I'll see them bomb.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's hard to forget the time you saw someone fall for sure.

[Brian Behe]

And there's almost like they fell down.

[Pete Holmes]

It's hard. It's almost like, what?

[Brian Behe]

It's almost like you want them to fall again.

[Pete Holmes]

You kind of want to see them fall again. You're like, this is the guy that falls. He falls. There were legends in the Chicago scene that would Bomb every time. And people. It's mean, but people loved watching it.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was just kind of like, how's he gonna fall this time?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or she.

[Brian Behe]

The only acceptable time.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a he. It was a he. I tried to mask it, but it was a hate.

[Brian Behe]

The only time it's acceptable to, like, root for somebody to bomb is, like, when they deserve it, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah, there's nothing I've watched. I was actually just thinking about this guy yesterday as well. When you. Something horrible happens when you're watching someone do stand up and even if they're not swearing, underneath is a worldview that's really hateful.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Deeply, like, solid and scary. This person hates women. The guy I'm thinking about is, like, was deeply homophobic. And he was doing this bit. When you see a bit like that murder, you'll actually be like. You'll feel unsafe. You'll feel like, I don't like this crowd.

[Brian Behe]

I don't. Like.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't even want to do well here. This. I feel like we're all misaligned, but if you watch somebody, and I did at Mo Pitkins in New York, do a. An incredibly homophobic bit, I would tell you, but, like, it's not even. I don't want to put it out there. It was this weird. Like, it was kind of clean, but, like, also just, like, so wrong.

[Brian Behe]

Sure. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he was bombing hard. There was kind of like a Please take the note. That isn't good enough.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, maybe not good enough. Maybe work on yourself. Work on your world of you.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a beautiful. This is a learning moment.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you thought it was gonna be like. And you know what? Maybe it was in certain places.

[Brian Behe]

I'm sure it was.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sure it was too. But, you know, we all need those things. We all have those moments where you say the thing and you used to get it when you're growing up with the cherry bombs in the alley and you say the horrible thing and everybody laughs. It's a beautiful thing when you go, whoops. You know, like, that's also something you're risking. Maybe my worldview's fucking dumb.

[Brian Behe]

I do think. Okay, so I do think for children only.

[Pete Holmes]

Fco.

[Brian Behe]

Fco? What does that mean, for children only? I think they are allowed to use gay as a pejorative.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, for kids.

[Brian Behe]

For kids.

[Pete Holmes]

What age is the cutoff? Just for fun, we will make you the arbiter of the whole culture. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Behe]

As a gay person.

[Pete Holmes]

As a gay. We are Going to ask you for fun, to represent the entirety of a swath of people.

[Brian Behe]

This is actually. I'm waiting to speak on behalf of all gays.

[Pete Holmes]

You're waiting for this opportunity. No, I couldn't. I can't tell you how excited I am to dial in when and how we think it might be benign. And when it kind of turns, I

[Brian Behe]

think it's like up until. I'll say, 17. 17 adults. No.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The approved upon wartime pornography, gambling age.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. They can't. They can't do any of those things. They can only call people gay as an insult. Let them have that. Let them live in that space.

[Pete Holmes]

You've got two bits out of this podcast that is so funny. And you have to do a plane as a bus, wearing a cape.

[Brian Behe]

Plane as a bus.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to do it.

[Brian Behe]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

That was what made it a bit.

[Brian Behe]

Damn.

[Pete Holmes]

When I'm starting, by the way. Would have long discussions on whose the bit was. It was your bit. I was kind of going like, what is. He's like a thing.

[Brian Behe]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

You can have high heel. You can have Runway. I mean, it's there. You have to do it. The second one is this.

[Brian Behe]

Are you. Oh, wait on that bit. Are you. You're an act out guy.

[Pete Holmes]

I like an act out. I'll do a. I'll do a swoosh.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, I don't like. I like, want to get more into act outs. I'm like.

[Pete Holmes]

But a non act out still New York comedian that does one swoosh.

[Brian Behe]

Fuck, you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

We love it.

[Brian Behe]

Holy shit.

[Pete Holmes]

We go, oh, he did one swoosh. Some of my favorites are in your style. And I love you. Yeah, you just do it once. I'm trying to think.

[Brian Behe]

I just start wearing a cape on stage just for the. Just for this one.

[Pete Holmes]

I see. And you get the light and you can't do it.

[Brian Behe]

You're like, o, wait, I had something new I wanted to work on. There's this heavy cape flowing off me. It's like, fuck. I'm like scrolling through my phone really quick.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry. But there are the guys standing to the left and the right with the cones that are going like this. I mean, I can't do this bit, first of all. I mean, I could, but I don't like the vibe. I don't like the optics. I think you could do it and I think you should do it because the linchpin of the bit was a bus and a cage for sure.

[Brian Behe]

Okay. All right, I'm gonna do it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a flight suit. It's a funny flight suit. And it ends with Runway when you said. And then. Well, I said it goes down the Runway. It's sashay's. I mean, well, also, it's right there.

[Brian Behe]

The tiny heel.

[Pete Holmes]

The tiny. No, all of it is yours.

[Brian Behe]

This whole bit is. Is an act out. It's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

It is an act out. But look, it's in your. It's in the hand you were dealt that you could do a little. Just the tiniest little skedaddling toes. No one will be like, why is he like. Seinfeld had that special that he. I loved it. But he put out that special after he'd become friends with Sebastian. And he was, like, doing a lot of Sebastian. I'm not dragging him.

[Brian Behe]

I saw that. I didn't see it.

[Pete Holmes]

You can. You can tell. No one's gonna say, did Brian start hanging out with Sebastian? If you go, ding, ding, ding, ding. There was just like a. Friends should rub off on friends. Birbiglia rubs off on me.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sebastian rubbed off on Seinfeld. And this will still be pure you.

[Brian Behe]

Okay, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the other one. Children, if you can't smoke, gamble, you're not even supposed to be looking at pornography.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're like, breaking the law of pornography. Let them call things gay. This is what we're saying.

[Brian Behe]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's one of the few thrills. It's like how Mountain Dew was such a huge part of my life.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. Cause it's like, they know it's not good.

[Pete Holmes]

They know.

[Brian Behe]

That's like. Yeah, but that's exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a little wicked. And it's really hard to know. I was thinking about, like. I forget why. I think I got stoned for Val's dance party. I got stoned and I was really thinking about how comedy is. Oh, Mel Brooks called it something hilarious. It like polite. Polite assault or something like that. Okay, got it. Katie, is there any chance you could Google Mel Brooks called comedy polite? It's something like polite.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Attack.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like you need to find the well meaning, well natured, thrilling. Like the R word can be very similar. You know what I'm saying? I'm not making that argument. I'm just saying, like, a lot of people are out there sticking their toe and, like, what can I say? That's wicked.

[Brian Behe]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But just a little wicked that you'll know that I'm. Did you find it? Oh, it was in the Chevy Chase, doc.

[Brian Behe]

Okay. I haven't seen it.

[Pete Holmes]

They're all so depressing to me. All of Them.

[Brian Behe]

Oh, no, I heard the John Candy one is good.

[Pete Holmes]

I found that one depressing. Okay. Yeah, I find them all depressing.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

All of them. Without exception.

[Brian Behe]

There is.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't care.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How many crowds are giving a standing ovation. I'm just like, I need more. I need more.

[Brian Behe]

Wait, what? What's. What is it kind of like the rise and fall of it all? Or like, what's the depressing?

[Pete Holmes]

I'll tell you one that didn't depress me and I've talked about it a bunch, was Eddie Murphy. Because Eddie Murphy really did seem to. And I'm not saying Chevy or certainly not John Candy didn't figure this out, but I need it in the movie. Some sort of, like, what we're talking about. I realized my life, like comedy was an excuse to be out there and with people and connecting and my family and my friends and realize and the quality of my mind. Like Eddie Murphy says, don't pray for success, pray for a peaceful mind. And I was like, oh, this guy fucking figured it out. He talks about his brother passing and how he interpreted that in a beautiful way. And I'm like, this is a third act. Too many of us. Let's take John Kenny out of it. I think John can. He's a treasure. And Chevy Chase is great too. I'm just saying, like, too many of us. The movie can't be. And he's still selling out theaters for, you know, doing screenings, autograph signings. I'm like.

[Brian Behe]

Because then it's like, they're still.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, it's a bummer.

[Pete Holmes]

Eddie Murphy's transcending it. He's like, I didn't even want to do SNL50. Because he's good. He found something.

[Brian Behe]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Behe]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Thank you. Because I'm watching. They did this. They've done it in non comedian documentaries too, where the documentarian who wants a standing ovation at Cannes or at Sundance thinks projects that onto their subject and goes the way to show that they're still okay, even though they're old or whatever is. They still can fill up a theater and people are clapping. And I'm like, no. It's realizing that there's something beyond bombing or killing that's always with you, that you can get in touch with. That's beautiful. You could just call that a sense of yourself, a sense of your worth. You could also extend that out and say your family, a rich, quiet private life, hobbies, interests. You know what I mean? Not just like. And they're still my true fans.

[Brian Behe]

I'm like, you'll still drop into the Comedy Store and you now and then.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't, I can't, I can't.

[Brian Behe]

What is issue?

[Pete Holmes]

And when he, when Richard, like, with all respect, Richard Pryor in a wheelchair on stage at the store, I'm like, this isn't what it is. Yeah, those things, we can't clap our way out of those.

[Brian Behe]

Shout out to the Comedy Store for being wheelchair accessible, though. That's the real takeaway. What is?

[Pete Holmes]

That was such a funny way to end something that I didn't know how to end because it was so sweet to give people accolades. But I'm like, there has to be.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

For just for storytelling. I'd like to know something richer than just we still get laughs. If you're anything like me, you've been hearing a lot about GLP1 medication in the news. People you know taking it, friends. I have so many friends taking it and at first I thought it was just like a trend, some sort of wellness fad. But the more I've learned, the more I see these are actual serious healthcare tools and are more about not just weight loss, but energy cravings, overall health, not just the number on the scale. One thing that made GLP1 feel kind of daunting to people is that it's usually a self administered shot. But now there's a new FDA approved GLP1 pill which makes the whole thing feel so much more approachable. And that's where Roe comes in. Roe offers the first FDA approved GLP1 pillar for weight loss at the lowest cost around. It is the same weight loss ingredient as the shot and delivers comparable results, helping patients lose about 14% of their body weight in a year on average. Ro makes everything simple with 100% online care, access to FDA approved GLP1 medication, free insurance checks, side effect management, dosing support and provider messaging. And honestly, if I was going to do this, this is the path I would take. RO is what I would use. So go to RO Co Weird to see if you're eligible for the new GLP1 pill on RO. That's Roe Co weird to get started. Roe Co safety for box warning and full safety information about GLP1 medication based on study and non diabetics with obesity or overweight plus a weight related condition with diet and exercise. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Pesti, which I was in desperate need of. Desperate need of Pesti. We moved out of the city a while ago. Not to say that the City doesn't have bugs, but there are a ton of bugs where we live now. And imagine my horror when I woke up and there was like a river of ants. Like a Billy Joel album. Just a river of ants working its way all over the counter. I think I had left like a single pistachio out and that was enough to call in the horde. And Val was like, please handle this bug situation. Luckily, someone told me about Pesti which made it so easy and maybe even a little fun. It was do yourself pest control. That's actually the same pro grade stuff the professionals use. It's not some watered down candy ass version. It's the real stuff, just way easier and more affordable. They send you one simple kit with everything you need. I loved it. It was even cool packaging. There was a sprayer, a mixing bag, gloves, the pesticide and super clear instructions that made it even easy for a goofus like me to do it in 10 minutes. And it took care of the job. 10 minutes. Pesti customizes the treatment based on your location, the season and the climate. Which is great because bugs in California are very different from bugs in Minnesota. And it's also so much stronger, as I mentioned, than the diluted stuff you buy at the store. And the best part, no strangers came to my house. No appointments, no hassle, none of that. Pesti can get rid of over 100 types of bugs, spiders, the worst, ants, the worst, roaches, the worst. That's the worst. Even scorpions. And it starts at just $35 per treatment, which is way less than the hundreds pest companies usually charge for house calls. It's insane. It's also kid and pet friendly when use is directed. And the pesticides they use are fully registered and have been used in hospitals and schools all over the country. They offer 100% bug free guarantee. If the bugs don't go away, you get your money back. So listen, bugs, hate to see you coming with Pesty. Go to pesti.com weird that's P E S T-I-E.com weird and you'll get an extra 10% off your order. Pesty.com weird for an extra 10% off. Trust.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Hey there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus. I'm back with a new season of Wiser Than Me. The show where I sit down with remarkable older women and soak up their stories, their humor and their hard earned wisdom. Every conversation leaves me a little smarter and definitely more inspired. And yes, I'm still calling my 91 year old mom Judy to get her take on It All Wiser than Me from Lemonada Media is out now. Wherever you get your podcasts.

[Brian Behe]

What's your ideal final scene in your documentary?

[Pete Holmes]

Mine?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Brian, I've been talking too much. I'd love to answer that question. You have to tell me. I will, but you have to tell me what you're thinking and feeling.

[Brian Behe]

I need a. A second to think about it. Okay, so I'll think about it while you're telling yours.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real? Yeah, I. I think it would just be. And there were notes of this in the Candy documentary, and there were notes of this in the Eddie documentary. But I wanted to be like, he. He. He did what he did, and he loved it. And then he got smaller. Yeah, he got smaller by choice. He didn't resist. His brain slowing down. He didn't look for it at the Emmy party. He didn't wait for the phone to ring. He settled down and discovered something far more valuable than seeking approval. But the twist is he only would have found it by seeking all that approval. He had to go up that mountain, and then he came down the other side.

[Brian Behe]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

And isn't this just how the universe works? It's not what we expected. It was in the last place we looked. But there was something better then. Followers, awards, respect, power. Oh, I go in and they give me my favorite table. I need more.

[Brian Behe]

Yes, that.

[Pete Holmes]

That.

[Brian Behe]

I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you see how fragile that is? I need you to tell me. I get a special table.

[Brian Behe]

I think I need more. It almost goes back to, like, the thing of being a comedian. Having it fuel our life and do the things that we, like, are scared of and, like, push us out of our comfort zone. We go far enough, but then maybe we're like, wait, we don't need. I don't need all of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Brian Behe]

I don't need to be XYZ or whatever. Maybe it was always just, like, the people in my life that were close to me all along. Like, that's kind of like the big.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the deathbed revelation, for sure. Have it before you're on your deathbed. Yeah. And go, oh, my God. This podcast, Brian, is an excuse for me, you, and Katie to hang out. It's just an excuse. It's all an excuse. Yeah, but if I'm going, like, I won't name names, but I've had people on this podcast, and they'll say something. I'm like, how are you? And they'll just say something they just filmed. And I understand. This is a podcast. That's fine.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, but, like, you got.

[Pete Holmes]

My last one would be like, Pete got it in a beautiful way. Transcended it and included it. I'm so grateful to be living my dream life and to be creative. Being creative and creating stuff. Stuff is one of the best feelings in the world.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I didn't get it mixed and muddled with like all the bullshit. Like, I didn't look for milk at the hardware store. I made all my favorites. Matt Johnson, Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie, the incredible. These pure people that just create. They want to be with their friends, they want to make people laugh, they want to get something out, but they're not fucking work in the room. And, you know, politicking. You know, they say If I spend 20 grand and go to every party, I can get nominated for a Globe. It's like, there's no there there. Yes, that's what I want. I want the end of my doc and I'm dead. To be like, he went there, saw there was no there there, included what was there, but found the there there elsewhere. Peace. Right? And it doesn't have to be family, but like something. Something from inside. And I know that's a cliche, but something stable inside. Not I'm good when I'm up and I'm not when I'm down. Right? Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

It's you. I mean, not really, but this is. It's you kind of reminiscing about the time you. You bombed opening for Bill Burr.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Brian Behe]

And then it cuts and then it shows the clip, all 25 minutes of the set. That's how we just got to adhere. The audience is just like, this is a weird way to end a documentary.

[Pete Holmes]

That's amazing. And that is the point, because after that set, I felt like I wanted to die. So, you know, it's fun. Like, look, it's fun shooting baskets and throwing footballs and doing stand up and fighting taekwondo and all that stuff is fun, but there has to be something underneath it that's a little bit more consistent and reliable. And that is often expressed in the way you love your family and your friends. Often expressed in your temperament. Are you generous? Are you patient, are you joyful? All that stuff. But it's really coming from something, again, more certain inside, more certain than like, if I bomb, now I'm bad and I killed and now I'm good. That's real addict, right?

[Brian Behe]

I think mine is.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, we're out of time. I said that this would be a short one. Go ahead, please. I'm so sorry.

[Brian Behe]

I Think mine. Now that I think about it, I'm from Arizona. I think mine. I'm in a desert.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I like this. More visual. I didn't even think of where I see it. I see it.

[Brian Behe]

You didn't know where you. I was picturing a backyard.

[Pete Holmes]

A backyard for mine?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. For yours.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I mean, it's such a cliche, but,

[Brian Behe]

like, you're more in mental space than actual, like, physical.

[Pete Holmes]

I was too wordy. But I'm in the mountains. I'm in the mountains. I'm with my family.

[Brian Behe]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

I think. Sorry, we're getting to your Arizona. But I think the quality of your life can be measured by how content you are just on a beautiful day by yourself with nothing happening.

[Brian Behe]

I agree with that, bro. I agree with that, bro. For me, location is huge.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I live in the mountains.

[Brian Behe]

I. Oh, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry. I keep saying bro, but yeah, and that informs it too. That. That gives you this. There's something about places.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. I think, like, I need to be in a city right now. I've always needed to be in a city.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Behe]

Ninja Turtles. Home alone. Grew up on those. I was like, I need put me in the city because of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Me too.

[Brian Behe]

But now, couldn't wait. Could not wait.

[Pete Holmes]

Couldn't wait. By the way. Yes. Ninja Turtles. I used to see subway caps and

[Brian Behe]

be like, yes, I'm the right place. I still see a good looking subway cap. And I'm like, there's turtles under there.

[Pete Holmes]

A classic. Yeah, a classic one. Is this gonna not chud. Ninja Turtles? I want to see some ninja turtles.

[Brian Behe]

Sound of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what is it?

[Brian Behe]

That's the sound of like when it lifts off a little bit, you know, their eyes darting around dead.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I used to walk around Manhattan and go, and it would be 11 o' clock, and I was going to somewhere to do a show, and I'm like, I'm Batman.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I keep the same hours as Batman. Yeah. I'm in Gotham City. I'm in New York.

[Brian Behe]

It's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna go save people from a bad night. That's how I felt.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. I like, would be in like, Chinatown.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

And I'm like, I think that's where they were. I think the Ninja Turtles, I think

[Pete Holmes]

so in my head, Master Splinter was Japanese, but keep going. I call him Master Splinter. I think I have to be like, respectful. Master Splinter was Japanese, but go on.

[Brian Behe]

And, yeah, sometimes that feels right. And it's just like, even visually, you're like, this kind of like, fits that aesthetic?

[Pete Holmes]

No, like that gritty. It kind of look, look, full respect to Chinatown. But I think it's open late. You know what I mean? That's where you go. Where. What was that restaurant? There was. There was. There's a late night Chinese restaurant that a lot of comics used to go to. I don't want to guess because it's going to sound awful.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, it's going to be. I don't know, maybe take a guess. Take a swing.

[Pete Holmes]

I keep thinking Wong fu, which is 2. Wong Fu.

[Brian Behe]

It's not.

[Pete Holmes]

It wasn't Wong Fu. It wasn't.

[Brian Behe]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew it wasn'.

[Brian Behe]

It was something like that.

[Pete Holmes]

But it wasn't the Ding ho that was in Boston. But there was something. I'm not. It doesn't even matter. But you're in Arizona.

[Brian Behe]

I'm in Arizona.

[Pete Holmes]

This is later in your life.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, yeah. I was gonna say 85. I don't want to put a number on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Can we say a remarkably fit 85?

[Brian Behe]

Oh, for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Like, do you know Brian's 85?

[Brian Behe]

I'm squatting for Jack Lalanne.

[Pete Holmes]

Blue onesie or what? A jumper?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pull ups for sure. And you're in Arizona.

[Brian Behe]

One pull ups.

[Pete Holmes]

It's one arm pull ups. But you're holding your forearm. But it's just a flex. And it's dry. So you love it.

[Brian Behe]

I think it's dry. I think I'm like walking like around and it's like you hear the crunch of a little bit of dry brush.

[Pete Holmes]

Is the camera kind of by your feet? Yes, like a little bit. Like it's not quite. It's not really a shot in Gladiator, but it should have been just kind of like your feet.

[Brian Behe]

And it's like when I step, you see the foliage kind of bend over.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying to do the song and not distract you. A shot a day. Keep going.

[Brian Behe]

That's kind of it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's it.

[Brian Behe]

That's it.

[Pete Holmes]

But Brian rang the bell and found the piece that allowed Arizona for sure. Arizona colon. You have to figure some stuff out to live here.

[Brian Behe]

It's too hot.

[Pete Holmes]

It's too hot. But I mean, if you're going to be this quiet in this like kind of flat, you better be good with yourself.

[Brian Behe]

Oh, you got to be.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like New Mexico.

[Brian Behe]

Similar New Mexico. I somehow I think it's worse, but maybe that's my bias. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Arizona. You're from there.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. Where? Which part?

[Pete Holmes]

Phoenix. I just like the crowds. My wife Val is always making fun of me because she'll be like, what do you think of Pittsburgh? And I'm like, I love Pittsburgh. And it's because the shows are good.

[Brian Behe]

The shows are good.

[Pete Holmes]

Eventually be like someplace where I don't do well as well as well. Change it to as well.

[Brian Behe]

Phoenix is crazy because like growing up there, it was always just like this boring ass place. Nobody did anything. Everybody like went to work, went to school, went home. And then I feel like in the past 10 years it shifted. Like a lot of people moved there recently. Post pan, post pan. Even pre pan a little bit. Post re Reese Reese recession.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice, nice. Post Reese.

[Brian Behe]

Post pan, post pan, post pan pan.

[Pete Holmes]

Really? Pangea and the pandemic, the, the, the

[Brian Behe]

girlies are like wanting to do stuff. They're yearning to go out and you know, because they're still a little bit younger and they're from like. I think they're from like cities where

[Pete Holmes]

there was stuff and they want to bring that.

[Brian Behe]

They want to bring that. And I think as a result, live everything has gotten so much better.

[Pete Holmes]

Interesting.

[Brian Behe]

The first time, first, first time I ever did an open mic, it was in Phoenix. I was in college and it was like 10 men who were like 60 years old plus.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Brian Behe]

And me and one of the guys just did spoons the entire time, you know spoons. He did spoons in this Irish pub. Everybody loved it. They like cheered him off stage.

[Pete Holmes]

Killed with spoons.

[Brian Behe]

He killed with spoons. And in a way.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you do next week?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, yeah, Ladles.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, he can't.

[Brian Behe]

You can't top it and that. Yeah, and then I went up bombed.

[Pete Holmes]

So wait, it wasn't a stand up open mic.

[Brian Behe]

It was a stand up open mic motherfucker doing spoons.

[Pete Holmes]

So was it, so was it like comedic?

[Brian Behe]

I mean, yeah, there's a way that the spoons he like did, he like did a voice and like did a song. I feel like I don't know what it was. Like, he said stuff in a way that was like dad humor, joke, something. And then like two minute spoon.

[Pete Holmes]

He Nick thuned it. He Nick spooned it.

[Brian Behe]

Wait, we gotta get Nick to chime in on this. Yes, we gotta get Nick thune to do Nick Spoon.

[Pete Holmes]

Nick Spoon. And he just plays the spoon instead of the guitar. Yeah, I'm dead. And you went up and bombed. I thought you were gonna say you murdered. Because like, I don't know if everybody's these boring old white guys and you go up and say the audience probably weren't very good yet, I'm assuming none of us are.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. First open mic, the audience was every. All those guys, wives, so hot and then hot.

[Pete Holmes]

So it was hard to focus.

[Brian Behe]

It was really hard for me to focus as a closet.

[Pete Holmes]

As a closeted hetero. You're like, I'm sorry about the boner. Like, you had to keep addressing it. It's like. And you were wearing red shorts. It was very obvious. Boner. It was, am I in the right riff zone?

[Brian Behe]

It was, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

There's no wrong answer.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you good with this boner riff? Because I feel, like, weird riffing about your body and your boner.

[Brian Behe]

I mean. Yeah, let's. Let's go.

[Pete Holmes]

It's done. Keep it going. I thought you were gonna go riff on. That was my fantasy.

[Brian Behe]

I'm 85, one arm, pull up, clubs, huge boner.

[Pete Holmes]

Always, always. I wanted to put out an album as a joke. Call it always hard. I just thought that was so funny.

[Brian Behe]

That's really funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, just the most Roboto Pete Holmes. Always hard.

[Brian Behe]

I have recently inherited a family truck. Oh. And it's like a 2012 or something Dodge.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Brian Behe]

And I do want to, like, do something on the tailgate, like the back.

[Pete Holmes]

Always hard.

[Brian Behe]

Always hard.

[Pete Holmes]

Always hard.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How can you not?

[Brian Behe]

I get pulled over all the time

[Pete Holmes]

by a sexy cop. He's like, in shorts.

[Brian Behe]

It's like, are you.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd be like, yeah, I just saw the sign. False. I gotta pull you over for false advertising. Which, by the way, is one of your best bets, if you don't mind. You're watching a porno, and it's stepson, stepdad. And he goes, I'm bored. And the dad goes, well, you can't go outside. It's the pandemic. And you said. You say it. It's too good.

[Brian Behe]

Wait, you go, oh, this is a. Oh, period piece.

[Pete Holmes]

I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to have the laugh. Oh, this is a period piece.

[Brian Behe]

This is a period piece, too.

[Pete Holmes]

Good.

[Brian Behe]

Cause I think I watched it maybe a year after lockdown.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a period piece.

[Brian Behe]

It's of a time. Nobody was doing that. Modern, even mainstream media was not addressing the pandemic. But here were these.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember there was film stars, porn stuff where people would be wearing masks

[Brian Behe]

as like, oh, wait, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I saw a clip.

[Brian Behe]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was a filter. It was a fake mask.

[Brian Behe]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I don't know why I saw that. Just a little American pornography I saw.

[Brian Behe]

That's like, they're doing the Lord's work.

[Pete Holmes]

They're doing.

[Brian Behe]

They're letting people know they were sheltering in place.

[Pete Holmes]

They were. They were sheltering in places a lot of people won't shelter.

[Brian Behe]

They were doing a lot of stuff that a lot of people weren't. To keep everybody safe.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you said. Oh, the other bit I wanted to ask you about was your Asian passing.

[Brian Behe]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But indigenous.

[Brian Behe]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I almost said indigy, which I.

[Brian Behe]

Which I would have accepted.

[Pete Holmes]

You would?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sounds weird. And if I was at 7.

[Brian Behe]

Indigimon. That's what makes it Indigy.

[Pete Holmes]

Indigy.

[Brian Behe]

Ness.

[Pete Holmes]

Indigenous.

[Brian Behe]

Indigy. Ness.

[Pete Holmes]

He's got that Indigy. Ness. Indigyness. Indigyness.

[Brian Behe]

I feel like you. And then it, like the camera cuts to me and I'm like. I'm like break dancing.

[Pete Holmes]

You're doing all the moves we talked about. You're doing a swoop. If this was Rick Glassworth's podcast, what's wrong with this?

[Brian Behe]

We would do that Indigenous.

[Pete Holmes]

He's got that indigenous.

[Brian Behe]

It's like the native people you don't want kind of to be around.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Brian Behe]

He's kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so funny. Like, with. With so much more awareness for indigenous peoples. Would you agree with that?

[Brian Behe]

Of course. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. There's more effort being made. It's. Maybe it's the time for you to go. Like, some of us are awful.

[Brian Behe]

I mean, that's my whole thing. I'm like, meaning any group I met.

[Pete Holmes]

Any group.

[Brian Behe]

So many people that I'm like, wait, why are you around with them? Just because they grew up near you.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Brian Behe]

They were kind of the same.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like that. Yes. I want to be clear. I'm joking. I used to have a joke. See if this helps. Where I was like, why do we give teachers respect? So many teachers were awful.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If someone says they're a teacher, you're like, oh, thank you. And I'm like, so many were hungover just shown a VHS tape.

[Brian Behe]

There's so many. There are so many Native people who have been able to capitalize on getting. Again, getting by on the fact that, like, so people are like, oh, my God, you're Native.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Brian Behe]

And then just immediately handing them over.

[Pete Holmes]

This just like, this is your area. This is your area. I want. I want.

[Brian Behe]

No get in on this. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I agree. It totally changes town. What if the clip. It's an Internet clip and it's you, and everybody's liking it. And then I cut in and I'm like, that's right. And then people remove their likes.

[Brian Behe]

Immediate Native ally. You would be. You would be invited to all the powwows, I'm sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, native. Immediate Native Ally.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. In a. Ina.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm Ina. Ina Garten. Barefoot Ally Contessa. Barefoot Professor.

[Brian Behe]

Barefoot.

[Pete Holmes]

The Barefoot Professor. That's her rap name. You put butter on the casserole. Put it up your buttaho. You know, she's like kind of 80s, like, old school.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. Sir Mix A Lot.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a delight. Because you'll. Wait, she's Ms. Mix a lot.

[Brian Behe]

Miss. She's literally Ms. Mix a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

She's literally mixing.

[Brian Behe]

Wait, she needs to release.

[Pete Holmes]

She needs it

[Brian Behe]

like one of those mixers that is literally Ms. Mix a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Ms. Mix a lot. Or just call it Sir Mix A Lot. I'm sure Sir Mix A Lot. See the sir to bring the riff full circle.

[Brian Behe]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

If the Sir Mix A Lot movie ends where he's like, I started selling these mixers called Sir Mix A Lot. And the text comes in and says, to this day, sir Mix A Lot mixers are the best selling mixer in all of North America. Cut to me at home going, I need more. I need him to go like, I like myself, and I cannot lie, like, I need more.

[Brian Behe]

You said Mixer a Lot in a way that made me question everything.

[Pete Holmes]

Mixer. Oh, because, like, are those called mixers?

[Brian Behe]

No, they are. But also, it's just like when you hear a word sometimes said so much so quickly, you're like, yeah. Wait, what?

[Pete Holmes]

Slay. This is how we spell sleigh. Not the RuPaul sleigh, the one you run.

[Brian Behe]

Slay.

[Pete Holmes]

Slage. When I'm teaching my daughter to spell stuff, you know the term sight word?

[Brian Behe]

Sight word?

[Pete Holmes]

Sight word just means you can't spell it out. Sleigh is rosebud. The sleigh is a sight word, which is a way to tell a child, don't bother. Just look at the whole shape and learn that. That says some bullshit.

[Brian Behe]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

I guess knife would be one too, right? Although, no, that's knife. Because they learn. Kn is N. Furlough. Furlough. Begonia.

[Brian Behe]

Great movie. Haven't seen it.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like as I'm gonna say this, as a gay, I feel like. Are you supposed to have seen that?

[Brian Behe]

Wait, why?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Brian Behe]

Because Stavros is in it.

[Pete Holmes]

I took it

[Brian Behe]

Gay. Ally. Stavros Halkyas.

[Pete Holmes]

No bit. Is Stavros gay?

[Brian Behe]

I don't think so.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Behe]

I out him.

[Pete Holmes]

That would be the funniest way. Me taking a big swing saying, because it's, like, beautiful and well made and kind of artsy and it's the poor things person.

[Brian Behe]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I felt like maybe the gay community was aligned with just, like, the high art of it.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, I think they are. I think they are.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the type I was going with.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Megan 2.0 and Begonia, sure.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

These are the gay folks.

[Brian Behe]

Our two, like, wheelhouses.

[Pete Holmes]

Very similar. Yes, Very similar.

[Brian Behe]

But honestly, you're not wrong. We love trash.

[Pete Holmes]

This is beautiful. This is why we're starting our own podcast, because you will go anywhere, and I'm absolutely dead. I'm.

[Brian Behe]

There's no wrong answer.

[Pete Holmes]

No wrong answer. One time I was on ketamine, and we kept going, no wrong moves, meaning there's nowhere you can go. You could go dark. We were on enough ketamine that we were on ketamine, but not so much that you were, like, in a void, and you're like, everything was funny and delightful. It didn't matter what anybody said or did. And we. I mean, I have a friend. I could still text him, no wrong moves. He would know what I was talking about. And that's you.

[Brian Behe]

I've never gotten that. Every time I do ketamine, I either feel nothing or I'll do too much of it and then immediately wake up at home in bed.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow, there's.

[Brian Behe]

And I like. And it's been years since I've actually. But I've done it enough times that I'm like, I don't need to try to find that sweet spot. Maybe it's just not for me.

[Pete Holmes]

I've only done it in sort of, like, very intentional, to use, like, kind of a goop term, in, like, very intentional ways to, like, explore consciousness or whatever. And every time I've done it, there is a point where it's fun and then it definitely crosses over into, like, existential something. So I've never. I've never been tempted to be like, oh, there's a bunch of people coming over. I'll just do a bump of ketamine. And people do that.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. Mine was always in the context of, like, at a gay bar, you know, on a dance floor, essentially.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

And maybe there's too many. Too much stuff already happening for me to, like, really feel what I'm supposed to be feeling. And maybe that's why I never felt anything.

[Pete Holmes]

So I got stoned for Val's party because I thought I was trying. We're very. I mean, we're aligned. Right? We're talking about Marin for some reason, all this stuff. All I'm saying is I got really stoned because I was Like, I really want to show up for Val and I want to dance. Yeah. And I asked my body, do you feel like dancing? And my body was like, no, we're just not feeling it. I was like, it. I went out and bought some weed and I smoked it. Now I'm dancing and I'm just kind of like, these lights, These lights are. It wasn't as cliche as, like, these lights are talking to me, but you do get, like, a little in your head. You're like, shadows are weird.

[Brian Behe]

Dancing is, like, truly one of the coolest things you can do. I feel like I saw a TikTok and you can't trust it. But I believe I choose to trust

[Pete Holmes]

it, that it was a person dancing.

[Brian Behe]

That it was a person. Like, that it wasn't that it was somebody being like, like, dancing is like one of the best, like, anti depression or, like, staves off depression or, like, does something for you.

[Pete Holmes]

I believe.

[Brian Behe]

And I do fully believe that too.

[Pete Holmes]

I fully believe it too.

[Brian Behe]

Because, like, there is. I'll wake, wake. I'll like, go out dancing, wake up the next day and be like, I feel incredible.

[Pete Holmes]

I, I. So I've already talked about this maybe, but we went to this retreat and it was kind of like, it was mostly like older women. Like, no joke. It was like 70 plus women. Me, Val, me, and literally, I think two other men. And it was a writing retreat. It was my friend Mirabai. And I got there and I was like, just feeling like some hesitance. A little jet lag.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't know if I wanted to, like, write and share.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I wasn't open, like, open hearted. Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

One dance class later, I'm like, crying. People are reading their writing and I'm just like, melting and I'm like, I can't believe I judged you on the first day because of your tattoo.

[Brian Behe]

Was there a lot of, like, group like stuff or was it kind of like just individual?

[Pete Holmes]

It was all group.

[Brian Behe]

It was all group.

[Pete Holmes]

The whole thing was group.

[Brian Behe]

Like, you kind of got to really get to know these people.

[Pete Holmes]

By the end, we were all like, I felt like a family, Like a big family. And we dance together every morning.

[Brian Behe]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's what made it happen.

[Brian Behe]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Dancing together.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on. Avatar. Avatar. Shit.

[Brian Behe]

This about this time last year.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I just said Avatar to an indigenous person and I kind of feel weird.

[Brian Behe]

I actually have no relation to Avatar.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, great. To me only that it's like, so representing indigenous.

[Brian Behe]

I've actually never. Yeah, I've never seen it. Okay. I know it is. Basically,

[Pete Holmes]

it's very like, we kill this and we give respect and it's very Native American.

[Brian Behe]

I mean, I love that you love.

[Pete Holmes]

Was a lot of fun. You don't love it?

[Brian Behe]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

That would have been such a fresh take if you were like, I love that. I love that.

[Brian Behe]

I. Oh, wait, this is. I can't do this bit right now. Can't wait. But as I was coming over, because in my head, I was like, I can't be late. I can't be late. I. A little bit was like, I wonder if it's in my DNA to be late. Because if you go back far enough, I was. My ancestors were like the late native people that were like, too late to be, like, killed or whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Your tribe.

[Brian Behe]

My. Specifically my family line. It's like everybody was like, almost murdered or whatever. My family just is waking up, being like, oh, man, I gotta get to the. Get to the meetup point today. They get there, they see, like, not helpful. Yeah, not helpful. They're like, you know, they're running like, 20 minutes later, whatever, like, historically late

[Pete Holmes]

in, like, some dire circumstance.

[Brian Behe]

And then that, like, whatever was in that person's DNA made it to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The late. The lateness survived. That's a trait.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Brian Behe]

I mean, I think there might be less.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like late is a quality that will get reproduced a lot. Because late, you're, like, not worried about it. You stay home, maybe you're having sex, like.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe you're making. Making babies.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The on time people. When. When are they. You know what I mean?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When are they gonna make a baby?

[Brian Behe]

Maybe we get rid of them.

[Pete Holmes]

I think they get rid of themselves. They high achieve themselves out of.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah, it's the.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the lates. We were so late to school this morning. Loved it.

[Brian Behe]

I was late to school every single day. I was running.

[Pete Holmes]

It's in your.

[Brian Behe]

I had to run to school. I'd, like, run to class. My. My mom made me run every single day with a backpack just to, like, see. In order to not, you know, to

[Pete Holmes]

give the appearance of effort.

[Brian Behe]

No, to get before. To make it before the late bell. Because if you made it past the late bell, then you, like, basically had detention or whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

I see my style is we're already late.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So we get to school and Leela's not coming out of the car yet. But I'm great. I've worked on this about myself. I'm like, we're already late.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So there's no reason for me to like, unbuckle her and pull her out of the car.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What is 30 seconds exactly? We're already late. It's very similar to your like. Like, I just feel like your vibe, the ecstasy thing. All this stuff is just like. It's. It's happening at this point. We're late.

[Brian Behe]

You kind of just. You got to roll with it.

[Pete Holmes]

Beautiful.

[Brian Behe]

Accept it. You're late.

[Pete Holmes]

Be late.

[Brian Behe]

You're late for a reason.

[Pete Holmes]

Once you're late, you're late. If you go too far, you're very late. Too far, you didn't make it. That's how then you die. What do you. When you're dead, you're late. The late Brian B.

[Brian Behe]

Post Maniscalco.

[Pete Holmes]

You're late. Tick tock, tick tock. You are late. That is the move you are now. You're very late now. You're definitely not gonna make it. No, it's the next time. And you're early. You're so late. You're early for tomorrow's meeting, man. Is just about shitting in the crowd. Like, that was the. You've won two weirdies. Best opening riff. Best. And the callback is. Is qualified by how long it's been since the bit.

[Brian Behe]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was like a good 30 minutes.

[Brian Behe]

We love.

[Pete Holmes]

And that a post 30 deep physical callback from a non physical community.

[Brian Behe]

From a non physical.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, that's a new category. The best 30 minute plus physical callback from. In parentheses is from a non.

[Brian Behe]

Has there ever been a comedy awards? There had to have been, right? At some point.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's Seinfeld on my mind. But he goes, we have no awards because the job is the award.

[Brian Behe]

Fuck.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that funny? You hate it. I mean, I love that Avatar guy comes out and goes, it's noon. Okay. I tried to think of another native thing, and I came up with telling time with the sun. You had something. You went on a similar retreat this time last year.

[Brian Behe]

I went on. There was this man. There was this man when I lived in New York. He was, you know, a much older man. I would, you know, have dalliances with him here and there, but he was always traveling.

[Pete Holmes]

Dalliances.

[Brian Behe]

Dalliances.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Grindr dalliances.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. Okay. And. But he was like, always traveling. And so I had like a chunk of time where I like.

[Pete Holmes]

I love the word dalliance, by the way. I feel like we could step that out. Okay. Keep going.

[Brian Behe]

I had a chunk of time where I, like, didn't need. I didn't have to work, so I was like, hey, where are you going to be during this time? And he was like, I'm actually going on this tantric massage retreat in Mexico.

[Pete Holmes]

Mine was in Mexico.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. They love retreats there.

[Pete Holmes]

If it was 1985, we would riff for 30 minutes. Let's just leave that be. Yeah. Yes, yes. There are a lot of retreats.

[Brian Behe]

So I went. I booked Tulum. Tulum.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, Tulum is a retreat.

[Brian Behe]

I've never been.

[Pete Holmes]

And then there's a lot of people that are probably. We've been in Tulum for 300 years. We've never been on a retreat. But there are a lot of people visiting.

[Brian Behe]

There is. Tulum feels almost too Tulum. Tulum. Tulum is Tulum.

[Pete Holmes]

Tulum's a little too loom for me. I don't like almost something. And it's so close.

[Brian Behe]

It's like I just loom.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Behe]

So I can't to loom.

[Pete Holmes]

I've always said, oh, what was it? I had one like that. Oh, I love Dubai. It's so much better than Durant.

[Brian Behe]

That's good.

[Pete Holmes]

People call those dad jokes. I say, fuck you.

[Brian Behe]

Those are really good.

[Pete Holmes]

Fuck you. I'm trying out here.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. No one's.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on.

[Brian Behe]

How dare you make me feel something.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna grade. How? Well, I'm trying to divert you from

[Brian Behe]

when somebody actually has any type of, like, negative take on somebody's, like, trying to. Yeah. It's like, what do you do? Yeah. What's your vibe?

[Pete Holmes]

As we say in a writer's room, then it's the one to beat. What do you got exactly? Cause all I'm thinking about is to steal your line. A history of mental illness. Can you help me forget that for a minute?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

All we've got right now is Dubai.

[Brian Behe]

You got it. Dubai.

[Pete Holmes]

So much better than Durant.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Hey, everyone, it's Leah Greenberg and Ezra Levin.

[Pete Holmes]

You might know us as two of the lead organizers of the no Kings protests. We're also the co founders of Indivisible, the grassroots movement organizing against Trump's regime.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

And this is what's the Plan?

[Pete Holmes]

Your weekly guide to the state of

[Brian Behe]

our democracy and how we fight back.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

This is not Cannes Talking Points.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a real live discussion space for the pro democracy movement.

[Brian Behe]

We wrestle with strategy together.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

We take your top voted questions in

[Brian Behe]

real time, and we talk about the

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

most impactful actions we can take right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Democracy is a participatory sport. The fascists win when we sit on the sidelines.

[Brian Behe]

What's the Plan Is about how we get into the game.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

What's the plan? Available Friday, January 23rd.

[Pete Holmes]

Wherever you get your podcasts. Subscribe, recruit, discuss, organize and win. That's the plan. Okay, so you're in Tulum.

[Brian Behe]

In Tulum.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not in Tulum, you're in Mexico.

[Brian Behe]

In Mexico, go to this tantric massage retreat. It's me and I would say about 12 other 60 plus men.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Brian Behe]

It was nude the entire time.

[Pete Holmes]

Nude.

[Brian Behe]

Nude. And we would start every morning sitting in a circle and it was like weird. Like breathing exercises or like moving your body or some shit. And it was like very woo woo. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The flop.

[Brian Behe]

You gotta love the flop. It's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Even as a. You know. I'm just saying. No, I'm saying if that's your sexual orientation, the flop isn't erotic to anybody. I will say slap of balls on your own thigh.

[Brian Behe]

I will say it can be something.

[Pete Holmes]

You caught me. I mean. Yes. Keep going. How dare I try to put you in a corner.

[Brian Behe]

It's one of those things where you're like, yeah, let's see where this goes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I understand. It's the sound of the. It's the sound of the dinner bell.

[Brian Behe]

It's. Yeah. People love.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the one that gets us. Acquired by Netflix. Balls on the thigh is the sound of the dinner bell. You made it weird. Added to the lineup

[Brian Behe]

and you. It would be so easy to hate everything that's happening. Everything that's happening at this retreat. You're like, the. What do I. What am I doing? This is stupid. I don't have to be here. I'm better than this. But you give yourself over to it. It was beautiful. I like the. I'm like, these men are so kind.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I felt.

[Brian Behe]

So nice.

[Pete Holmes]

We were clothed, but yes.

[Brian Behe]

I was like, they. It in my. You think. You think tantric massager shirt. You're like, oh, a bunch of perverts. They were like, no, they weren't. And by the end of it, we had like a naked. They closed the last night. It was like a naked dance party.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Brian Behe]

And I've never had so much fun in my entire life with like essentially strangers.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Brian Behe]

And just.

[Pete Holmes]

But free strangers.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what I'm talking about. That, like something deeper, something communal. A connection.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like an acceptance. Yeah. That radiates out from you. Yeah, that's. That's the good stuff.

[Brian Behe]

And I think like for a week, the week after that, back here, I like, felt like I was levitating. Like, it just like continued in this Crazy way.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so happy for you. Yeah. Was it. Did it feel erotic or just celebratory?

[Brian Behe]

It was definitely erotic.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

I think it became less erotic for me. I think day one was, like, super erotic because.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Nude, nude.

[Brian Behe]

Because nude.

[Pete Holmes]

New nude.

[Brian Behe]

New nude.

[Pete Holmes]

Thick nude. Nick Thune. Nick Spoon.

[Brian Behe]

Nick Spoon was there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Brian Behe]

And also. Yeah. Because the massage of it all is essentially. I would, like, look over and, like, people were jerking each other up.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, sure.

[Brian Behe]

So there was that component to it, too.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're learning how to give each other massages.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the endings were happy.

[Brian Behe]

The endings were happy. You would hear them constantly and. Yeah. Yeah. I was like. It was. It was. It was all in the same room in this, like, outdoor space.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Brian Behe]

And it was so hot, too. So, like, my glasses would just be, like, slipping down my face.

[Pete Holmes]

Like an 80s. Like an 80s gay man. I'm looking. Turns out your hands are covered in oil. Yes.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But there's it. When you remember that, it's true. Look, I'm just gonna own it. This is. This is the era that I'm in.

[Brian Behe]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

We think we get in these fervors on social media and they. They prime our brains. Seeking, desiring. Right. Dopamine seeking and all that sort of stuff. And also sort of like a. If you're seeking, you're by definition lacking. And then they hit you with an ad for a thing that's like, are your eyebrows symmetrical? Or whatever the fuck? And this thing will, like, map the perfect eyebrow shape on you and. And whatever. And you buy it because you're scared. You're like, literally, like. Like, I got off. I again, I went on Instagram. I forget why. And I ended up scrolling for a minute, and then I was like, I. I turn it off. I uninstalled it. That's. That's how I stay off it. And I was like. I kept thinking, like, don't forget you killed that guy. Like, that was the anxiety. Like, I had. I didn't literally think I killed a guy, but the feeling was like, why can't I relax? And it was like, well, you killed that guy.

[Brian Behe]

The guy being the guy in your ad.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. Just a guy. Just like a general generalized, focusless anxiety. But the flavor was like, enjoy today, because they're coming for you because you killed that guy.

[Brian Behe]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was just from a minute. Minute of scrolling. What I'm saying is your naked dance party. My old lady luncheons, basically. Luncheons. Once if everybody's over 70, it's an EO E O N. It's not a lunch anymore, but we're eating like that. Best thing in life are free kind of energy being discovered. It's more hard won, but it's the opposite. The next day you go, like, I didn't kill anybody. Yeah, I'm okay. And that's what you had after your dance party.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. Not only are you okay, you're like, better.

[Pete Holmes]

You're better.

[Brian Behe]

And you feel better equipped to, like, help the people that's right around you.

[Pete Holmes]

This is like being a dad, that I love your daddy joke. It's so funny. Can I do that one?

[Brian Behe]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

On Grindr, he ironically or I guess comedically called yourself a daddy because there's like subcategories of gays. And you'll get messages like. Like, people are like, what makes you say you're a daddy? And you're like my two beautiful children. What are their names?

[Brian Behe]

Samantha and Samantha and like Leo or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Great. It's a boy and a girl. That's what. It's too funny. But being a dad, I've noticed especially transitions, which is something we just didn't know about in the 80s. I mean, between different types of. Like, we're at school and now we're going to transition to karate class. And the sensitivity towards like, the. That's different. Or we're more likely we're going from home after school to piano. And that can be tricky. And like, how often the answer is something in your body. And like, it's taken me 46 years to figure out, let's do a two minute dance party. We're. We're so lucky to have a pool. I'm going to throw you in the pool. It's literally going to, like, change your state. And you're going to be more like your heart. When you do stand up, your heart rate goes up. They're about to announce you, your heart rate goes up. That has a lot to do with it, our ability to do it.

[Brian Behe]

It's like the heart rate goes up. And then if it's almost too high, you kind of got to be like, as soon as you go on stage, you're like, all right, bring it down.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. It's helping too much.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. It's a bell curve, especially for me, because I'm like, I can't come in hot. I can't sustain this high level of whatever. I gotta make sure I start where I need to be.

[Pete Holmes]

You and some others that I'm thinking of that I love. I think you're in the same generation. Are in that tone. I don't know. What I'm trying to get at is it's interesting that more comedians are choosing your flavor, and I love it. But it is more of the. Like, it's a little bit flatter.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know what I'm saying?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, me and Bill Burr, we're coming up doing, like, Brian Regan. We're like, the big gala one is the son. Like, we're doing that. And, like, that got into Gaffigan. That got into everybody. Like, that was what we were doing. And now the younger people do seem. I just wonder, does that conjure anything up for you? Like, why is that Persona or that type?

[Brian Behe]

I think what's interesting to me is that in my head, I'll like, in my head, I am doing full Sebastian Maniscalco.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so.

[Brian Behe]

And then I do remember the first time I watched a video of myself doing Stan. I was like, huh?

[Pete Holmes]

That's what makes it amazing, is you're not restraining yourself into a thing. That's what makes it so funny. This is what it looks like when you are trying. And that sounds like a roast joke. I just mean, like, you are. Full effort.

[Brian Behe]

That is me going, yeah. Full pedal. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna go. I love that, that, that. But there is something a little bit more. I don't know. It feels accurate for the time.

[Brian Behe]

No, I. I get what you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. I don't know what that is. I think it might be a little of, like, we've been trained to. Like you said, there's more people.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Brian Behe]

We can't spread our wings as much. There's. There's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's too crowded.

[Brian Behe]

It's too crowded.

[Pete Holmes]

It's too crowded.

[Brian Behe]

We don't want to bump into anybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's why New York fosters a lot of comics like that.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The stage is literally a pizza box.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Five pizza boxes.

[Brian Behe]

It is. It's. It's five pizza boxes.

[Pete Holmes]

Five pizza boxes. If it gets all flat shows over, too many guys get that big guy. He's the closer.

[Brian Behe]

Then there are five pizza boxes. Five of those, like, white things in the middle.

[Pete Holmes]

The mouse table.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a little table for the mice to have a little pizza party.

[Brian Behe]

That's the stool.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. I thought it was the table, but if we get enough, we can have stools for them. And the table table. Same size as the stool.

[Brian Behe]

Right. Sorry. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Love it. Need it. Did you have more on that?

[Brian Behe]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Great. I don't know I love this. Let's do a little on the meaning of life, and then we'll get the out of here. I'm proud. Oh, the Asian passing joke.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

My question.

[Brian Behe]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

A woman came up to you. Is it. I'm not trying to ruin it. We'll edit it out if it's not real. It's real.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Did a woman. An Asian woman came up to you.

[Brian Behe]

This happened off the L train in New York. Off, like, the Montrose stop.

[Pete Holmes]

That's where I used to live.

[Brian Behe]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

That was my stop.

[Brian Behe]

There was a lot of comedy in that area.

[Pete Holmes]

Duck.

[Brian Behe]

Duck for a while.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't know that wasn't there when I was there.

[Brian Behe]

You missed out.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a real duck and cover. I'm not trying to be funny. It was like, get from the train to your apartment.

[Brian Behe]

Duck. Duck for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, not duck and cover. Like, people felt unsafe.

[Brian Behe]

Oh, yeah. I get that. Because there's all those, like, weird factories over there. Did it smell like noodles when you were over there?

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Double dragon. It had a final fight. Double dragon. Chinatown Ninja Turtles.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Desolate. You know when you're in Brooklyn and you're like, what are these film studios? Just, like, huge, long brick buildings. Trucks. Those, like, half trucks. Like the cigarillo trucks. Like, they're not quite a cigar.

[Brian Behe]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a cigarillo everywhere. And just like a car that, you know, has been there for 20 years. And you're like, you shouldn't feel safe. These are all. This is our jungle. Like, and you see venomous snakes. Like, that's what it is.

[Brian Behe]

And you can't help but be like, what's in here? And then you go in and it's like a $500 or like, five million dollar home that, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, right. That's all been. Moby lives there.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now they have. Now they have Anderson Cooper, the Fire Station. Do you know that one?

[Brian Behe]

I think I've walked by it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's where the Boston was, and that was a fire.

[Brian Behe]

Wait, really?

[Pete Holmes]

And then he bought it, and it's become his, like, three story. I believe the pole is still there.

[Brian Behe]

That's.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it is.

[Brian Behe]

That's. That's crazy. To go from, like, this, like, crazy, like, comedy piece of comedy history in a way to just this place where he likes up with Twinks. Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he a twink?

[Brian Behe]

I feel like it. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That bit did make me wonder which category you really feel like you are.

[Brian Behe]

I like to think I'm categoryless. I. First of all, I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

I think a part of why we get along. I don't like being, like, the part

[Brian Behe]

of me that, like, does be like, let me call myself. The idea is, like, it's so stupid that, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

These are things that we feel like we need to identify. It's like, you see what I. You see me. Like, why does that need. Why do you need any more?

[Pete Holmes]

Right. If this was a telegram.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I can understand why.

[Brian Behe]

I fully understand. But there. There's three pictures of it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's funny.

[Brian Behe]

And there's so many pictures. If you need help, like, identifying, like, what I am based on these three pictures, then maybe we're not a match.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe we're not a match. If you're not right enough to put it together.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. The bit is you're getting off the R train. The L train. Jesus.

[Brian Behe]

Getting off the L train. It's raining. I'm telling the story version of this.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you kidding? I'm so here for it. I think it helps that it's raining. I think it's essential that it's raining.

[Brian Behe]

I think it's essential given what's about to happen. I'm going. I go into a bodega. I'm hungry. Bacon, egg and cheese. Post work, I'm waiting for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Diet Dr. Pepper.

[Brian Behe]

Asian.

[Pete Holmes]

Just kidding. Just took a swing because what if

[Brian Behe]

it was Cherry Pepsi?

[Pete Holmes]

Cherry Pepsi.

[Brian Behe]

Is that crazy?

[Pete Holmes]

It tells me the guy who drinks a Cherry Pepsi is also saying I'm uncategorifiable.

[Brian Behe]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? Because who even remembered that Pepsi took a swing in the cherry category?

[Brian Behe]

I think I desperately want to be a daddy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And if you have enough Cherry Pepsis, you can be a bear.

[Brian Behe]

Okay. Yeah. I think I would need hair transplants on my body.

[Pete Holmes]

Is the hair. Is it. I know what a bear is.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. I think hair is a very distinguishing feature of him. I don't think you need it, though. You're right.

[Pete Holmes]

You can be a. A bald bear.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A Devon Rex bear. It's more the. It's more the barrel chest.

[Brian Behe]

For sure. For sure. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Hair is A plus.

[Brian Behe]

Harry's A plus. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It should be called. True bear. Is like a hairy bear.

[Brian Behe]

True bear. And then what are the cats that are hairless?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Devon Rex.

[Brian Behe]

Oh, Devon Rex.

[Pete Holmes]

Deon Rex bear.

[Brian Behe]

Did not know that.

[Pete Holmes]

Bald bear.

[Brian Behe]

Bald bear.

[Pete Holmes]

Why are you so synced? I love it.

[Brian Behe]

It's Monday.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Brian Behe]

It's Monday.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but you're the best. You know when you put two phones together and they, like, share contact info?

[Brian Behe]

I haven't been able to do that.

[Pete Holmes]

It never works. But I feel like with us, it's working. I'm dead loving it.

[Brian Behe]

Great.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Okay. Bald bear.

[Brian Behe]

Bald waiting for bacon, egg and cheese.

[Pete Holmes]

Post work.

[Brian Behe]

Post work. Asian woman walks in. She, like, takes down her umbrella, and I'm, like, looking at my phone.

[Pete Holmes]

Older woman.

[Brian Behe]

No, I think she's, like, 30s.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a key ingredient.

[Brian Behe]

Like 30s, 30s.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd also like to say Brian is not Asian.

[Brian Behe]

Not Asian.

[Pete Holmes]

You're indigenous.

[Brian Behe]

This full indigenous, full indige. Asian ever. I. I grew up with one Filipino kid in my class, like, in my grade. So we, like, went all the way through eighth grade. The same.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

All eight years.

[Pete Holmes]

So not only not Asian, not even exposed to Asian life is what you're saying.

[Brian Behe]

Not even. But he was my best friend, okay. Maybe that's why. Maybe he rubbed off on me in a way that is. I can't take back. Or he can't take back because I. I almost feel Asian.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But people don't.

[Brian Behe]

Just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody's guessing that Filipino is indigenous.

[Brian Behe]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Your joke is. Really is about, like, no one knows what to do.

[Brian Behe]

She's. Yeah, she's Asian. She. She mistakes me for somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

And she's like, I haven't seen you in five years. My punchline is, I've been busy with work. Work's been crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, you owe me $20. I don't know if you remember. Yeah, I want to know what really happened.

[Brian Behe]

She said, and then what really happened?

[Pete Holmes]

Five years.

[Brian Behe]

And then I'm like, no. And I was like, no, I'm not who you think I am. She's like, no, you are. And I'm like, no, I swear. Yeah. And then she kind of, like, leaves me alone for a bit, and then she event. She comes back. She pulls up a guy's Facebook profile. It does look like me. And I'm like, oh, you're right about this. You're actually right.

[Pete Holmes]

I dropped the mic right on my balls, and it didn't feel great. It wasn't quite painful, but. That is so funny. Yeah, he did look like me.

[Brian Behe]

He looked literally like me.

[Pete Holmes]

What was his name?

[Brian Behe]

I don't remember.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to find this.

[Brian Behe]

I think I have. I took a screen. I found it and took a screen cap.

[Pete Holmes]

Will you allow kind of like a. Who cares? I think you will.

[Brian Behe]

Huh?

[Pete Holmes]

Would that person be interesting to you sexually if they were into it? It.

[Brian Behe]

No. But maybe. I think. I think I would do it for the gram. The gram. I would live gram. Go live. While me and my twin hooked Up. I would be so curious. Yeah. I would be so curious to be what it be kind of what it's like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like if, if you were in a science fiction thing where I split you. Yeah. Now there's two of you.

[Brian Behe]

I'd be myself constantly.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. And, and if you weren't so open and wonderful, I would have warmed you up and been like. You'd massage yourself.

[Brian Behe]

Uhhuh. I mean, of course I would massage myself.

[Pete Holmes]

You'd massage yourself. I'm, I'm so, I, I want to develop a technology where the masseuse feels what it feels like to them.

[Brian Behe]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Wouldn't that be amazing? Cuz they're, they're guessing. They're like, okay, there's some, there's kind of a collection of knots here. But sometimes they go over something and I'm like, so they just need like a, Remember that movie Strange Days? They need one of those webs. You're too young. Strange Days is a movie where they put on these things, like a VR neural network thing. Like help you experience someone else's life. I want that. But for like if they touch the spot, they know. And then they're incentivized to stay in it. Cause they're like, you know what I mean? But we both win.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Neuralink. I, I, I'm calling it Neuralink.

[Brian Behe]

I secretly. This is good for me because I, in my what? My next chapter.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Brian Behe]

I do want to be a masseur.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Brian Behe]

So is this real? I swear to God, I think I, I think I give great massages.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Brian Behe]

Yes, I believe.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know, if you do, I

[Brian Behe]

think I, I, it's like, good set. Everybody also, everybody's like, you're pretty good at this. You're actually, you're good at this. Untrained, Untrained.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, at the tantric nude massage, were you like the star? Were you like.

[Brian Behe]

I was, I was the only one giving like real massages. Everyone else was just oiling you up, basically slapping each other. Yeah. And, and then so there would be some guy where there's like I would, and then you swap, you know, you must massage and then you become the massager. And then one kind of this guy just like, like was just like that. Like his technique was just literally dragging his like palm.

[Pete Holmes]

He was too relaxed from your amazing massage. I'll tell you who I don't want massaging me. Someone who just got a massage. I've gotten massages before shows. I'm like, I'm never doing that again. You gotta be alert.

[Brian Behe]

You gotta be with it. You need to be a little. Have a little tension.

[Pete Holmes]

Go first.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I want like a Ray Liotta character from the 80s also. Male masseurs.

[Brian Behe]

Huh?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't wanna. Look, I'm just saying there's like kind of like a. I don't know if it's homophobic or just like, guys think they're supposed to get women.

[Brian Behe]

Huh.

[Pete Holmes]

But then you get a guy and you're like. And I don't want to be pejorative here, women have strong hands too. But if you get a bear, oh, for sure. You get like a fucking meat paw. The guy shakes your hand and he's like, sorry, Bruno crush you for sure. And then he starts work and you're

[Brian Behe]

like, ah, Jason, like, that is exacting the best. What you fucking want?

[Pete Holmes]

That's what you fucking want.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Some lady putting her whole body weight. Nothing.

[Brian Behe]

If I ever have that. I'm doing men only.

[Pete Holmes]

Men only.

[Brian Behe]

Literally. And not even in like a weird, like, way.

[Pete Holmes]

I complete. I don't find. I find them different energies.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never been like, oh, this is a preamble to something sexual. I'm like, we're here for this.

[Brian Behe]

We're here.

[Pete Holmes]

We're trying to get sleepier.

[Brian Behe]

They. They know.

[Pete Holmes]

Cozier. They know.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a whole bit where I knew the woman was gonna ask if I wanted a happy ending, and I was like, my penis is. I was. Because I was in full control. Zero. That's my answer.

[Brian Behe]

Uh huh.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you think you're gonna. Don't you kind of get a little. If you're gonna get a happy ending, the penis is gonna at least be kind of like warming up.

[Brian Behe]

There's signs.

[Pete Holmes]

There's signs.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. And she should know that if she's putting it on the table and she

[Pete Holmes]

kept accidentally uncovering it and I was like, look at it. It. Yeah, look at it. That's the. The answer of my body.

[Brian Behe]

You, like, take the towel off. You're like, looking, do you think I want one? The penis is holding a tiny stop sign.

[Pete Holmes]

The head of a penis doesn't look unlike a stop sign. I mean, if it's. It's not a yield. Well, it's kind of a yield sign too.

[Brian Behe]

Anyway, it's a winding.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Curves ahead, curves ahead. Curves ahead.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Bare left. How was the orgy? Bear left. Okay.

[Brian Behe]

Bear is also your friend. The name of your friend.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, man.

[Brian Behe]

Bear left. But also Bear left.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, Brian Behe very close to Bear Paint.

[Brian Behe]

Bear pain Paint. Paint Bear pain. Brian Baer.

[Pete Holmes]

How are the indigenous with homo sexuality? I hit homo too hard.

[Brian Behe]

It sounded like a. Yeah, that was tough.

[Pete Holmes]

I was trying to get through it.

[Brian Behe]

Sound like the first time you've said it this year.

[Pete Holmes]

I haven't ever. Yeah, exactly. That was like the dust on the book.

[Brian Behe]

You cracked the binding. That was that.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry. I haven't read this in a while. I've just never had. I'm so interested and engaged with. I think the arc of sexuality for everybody is very interesting, but we haven't really. I'm trying to think. You might be our first indigenous guest. Whoa. I might be wrong about that, and that'll be awful, but let's.

[Brian Behe]

You had on, like, the most famous indigenous person already.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't even riff one.

[Brian Behe]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't even riff one. Lou Diamond Phillips.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't even know.

[Brian Behe]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

This is. We go in this riff room and it's pitch black.

[Brian Behe]

This is.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't know what we do in this.

[Brian Behe]

This is actually what's best bad for me, if anything. You're. Okay, I'm. I'm gonna get it.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Brian Behe]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Because who would do it? I'm just kidding. I don't know. Okay. So I'm just curious how that experience. Was it different, or do. Do you just think it's the same? Same song, same album?

[Brian Behe]

No, I think it. It's like, similar.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

I think it's just. It's more regional than anything. Because growing up in Arizona.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It's more of an Arizona thing.

[Brian Behe]

It's more of an Arizona thing than, like. Because I have native friends that grew up, like, near New York City or something. It was totally.

[Pete Holmes]

I see.

[Brian Behe]

Their thing was so like that. It's like what you hear about kids. You like, they're coming out at, like, 12 or whatever, and so.

[Pete Holmes]

And. And it's a big. Who cares?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or like a celebration. Even better than.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

They're like, great.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So this is an Arizona come out.

[Brian Behe]

So Arizona come out was like. Like, closeted until, like, 25.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Brian Behe]

Well, closeted to my parents. I didn't come out to my parents until I was, like, 25.

[Pete Holmes]

Did that hurt their feelings?

[Brian Behe]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say it?

[Brian Behe]

Should you think so? Oh, that I waited so long.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm just going, like, if my daughter were gay and she told me when she was 25, and, like, other people knew not to make it about me, but I'd be like, you would, right?

[Brian Behe]

I think. Well, here's My whole thing with my parents, my relationship with my parents, they had me when they're in their mid-40s, so they've always just been, like, so much older.

[Pete Holmes]

Why. But I feel like you are an older parent person. I don't know why this might be why you're vibing with me so much. Because I'm 46.

[Brian Behe]

It's one of those things where I was like, they. My. In my head, a parent is somebody who's so much older than you, they almost can't relate to you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

And when you do try to relate to them, you have to, like, really spell it out or, like, really, like.

[Pete Holmes]

And that was your parents. Parents.

[Brian Behe]

That was my parents.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Brian Behe]

Whereas if you gave them nothing, you. A lot. You could get away with a lot of stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Interesting. I see. So it was a lot of effort.

[Brian Behe]

It was a lot of effort, but also a lot of subterfuge, kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

I get that. So it wasn't a lack of connection. It was just like. I don't even know where to start. You guys are watching laserdiscs. Like, I don't know where.

[Brian Behe]

I'm like, yeah. I'm like, you guys. Yeah, I get it. I'm like, they don't want to hear about me. They weren't like, ooh, who are you dating?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, being aware, involved, protective. That we're going up the ladder of your child's sexuality was not really in there. I'm not.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying their generation. That wasn't really a thing.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, this is a lot, and it's not really on you to do it. So 25.

[Brian Behe]

The only thing that they, like, cared about really was, like, school. They're like, so you're going to grad school anytime soon?

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Brian Behe]

And I'm like, no.

[Pete Holmes]

What a disappointment. Or were they disappointed?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I didn't mean it.

[Brian Behe]

And they still are, are they? A little bit. Just kidding. But probably no. If. I bet if I went to grad school right now, my mom would be elated. She would probably throw a party or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Coming out as academic.

[Brian Behe]

Party. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He came out again.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

As academic. I love that. And I'm feeling the crunch that I have to go.

[Brian Behe]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Brian Behe]

Is there a raccoon?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm looking right at a raccoon. Oh, my God. That has a knife. If any animal had a knife. Raccoon. Right? Love that. Love it. Need it.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so let's go over the bits. You should be able to say things are gay until you're 17.

[Brian Behe]

Gay until 17.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is a great, fun, hot take. They have nothing. They have nothing.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then, I mean, if you do Cape Bus. Cape.

[Brian Behe]

I'm going to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a chance. The times I've been with an opener or another comedian driving around and we're dying laughing, and then they try it at the show. It gets nothing. There's a good chance that planes. You're gonna have to listen to the tape.

[Brian Behe]

I'm gonna.

[Pete Holmes]

How did we get into.

[Brian Behe]

I'm gonna rewatch.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. How did. Like, that's the. You can't. It becomes corny if you just say, for sure. Planes are bus. Like, that's corny. But if you find how we got into it.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what to do. You're a comedian. I'm not explaining this to you. I'm just stressing its importance. Well, thank you so much. I love this.

[Brian Behe]

Thank you for having me.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so touched you did it. It was incredible. Yeah, I love it.

[Brian Behe]

Great.

[Pete Holmes]

An all timer. Is there anything else? What do we do? I think we just end. Because I did have to end 10 minutes ago. Does it feel rushed? I ruin it?

[Brian Behe]

No, not at all.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. This is great because, like, dropping my daughter off for school.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who cares? Let's take that 30 seconds to make sure that the. That the descent is.

[Brian Behe]

I feel good. This is good. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is like, wtf? We good?

[Brian Behe]

We good?

[Pete Holmes]

We good?

[Brian Behe]

I think we're good.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. We're good. And anything you need to plug, we'll plug up top. Yeah. But I'm going to say, you got to come back. This is so fun. Fun. I'm ready and I feel proud. We just hung out. You know what I mean?

[Brian Behe]

This was a hang.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like you're so many things. Like, remember the email you wrote me? And you're like, hey, do you want an indigenous gay whatever? And I was like, we didn't really do that.

[Brian Behe]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Brian Behe]

It wasn't like.

[Pete Holmes]

What's that?

[Brian Behe]

Yeah. I didn't educate you.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't educate me. And if I'm being honest, I kind of went in going like, don't do that. And we didn't.

[Brian Behe]

That would be.

[Pete Holmes]

So this is my relation.

[Brian Behe]

You come in with glasses. I'm here to learn.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me, how was I wrong? I'm sure in this interview, plenty. Well, thank you for doing it. We met at Just for Laughs. We didn't even talk about that. Oh, yeah, who cares?

[Brian Behe]

We don't care about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Who was it? You, Shane Gillis? Was it that Jean Marco.

[Brian Behe]

It was me. Jean Marco. Skyler Higley.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

A lot of it was a lot of people. There was a lot of. That was a good.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a great crew.

[Brian Behe]

That was a great group.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great. And John Marco is killing it, too, out there. Yeah.

[Brian Behe]

In New York. Yeah. R.I.P.

[Pete Holmes]

is he dead?

[Brian Behe]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

In the Chevy Chase documentary, there was a moment where I feel like he backed away from the rift. They're talking about somebody and they were like, Chevy's like, is he dead? He's like, he's not dead. And he goes, how do you know? And I thought his riff was like, he could have died between you finding out. But, like, he kind of backed away from it because it was the tense moment where he was being confronted on being kind of awful. All right, Brian, would you say keep it crispy? And that's how we end the show. And thank you for doing it.

[Brian Behe]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

Very efficient. Story Pirates is the number one podcast for kids and families in the world and and the newest addition to the Lemonada Media Network. We take stories written by real kids and turn them into sketch comedy and songs featuring professional actors, famous guests, and original music. So get ready to light up your kids imaginations with a show that you'll also enjoy. The Story Pirates podcast, new season coming November 6th.