Caroline Rhea

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Guest: Caroline Rhea
Release Date: February 21, 2024

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Episode Overview

Comedian Pete Holmes welcomes Caroline Rhea, acclaimed standup, actress, and talk show host, for an episode brimming with hilarious anecdotes, honest reflections on comedy, spirituality, parenting, and the quirks that make us weird. The pair instantly click, creating a free-wheeling, best-friend energy as they bounce between rapid-fire jokes and disarmingly deep personal insights. Topics range from the mechanics of standup, the emotional realities of parenting as comics, astrology, ghost stories, and the pursuit of joy and healing through comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy Roots, New York vs. LA, and Style

Timestamps: 01:28–11:18

• New York Comedy Grit: Caroline and Pete discuss the difference between New York and LA standup:

  • New York comics develop sharp crowd work skills and a cerebral edge due to small clubs and interactive audiences.
  • LA offers more space for physical comedy and “playground bits.”
  • [10:00] Caroline: “Jimmy Gaffigan is the classic New York comedian. Or Attell—those guys can stand still and kill. Comedy in New York is pure crowd work and wit.”

• Influence and Recognition:

  • Pete expresses that Caroline is “underrated” as a comic and a major influence, especially among female comics.
  • Caroline notes she doesn’t always see her impact acknowledged by younger comics.
  • [06:27] Pete: “I don’t hear it being mentioned. I’m trying to say it in a lovely way.”
  • Caroline sees echoes of her own style in younger comics: “I really see Amy [Schumer] in some of the young girls.”

2. Astrology, Introspection, and Personality

Timestamps: 12:03–18:41

• Astrological Banter:

  • Both are Aries; discuss compatibility and personality traits based on zodiac signs.
  • Playful back-and-forth on who interviews whom.
  • Caroline pokes fun at Pete for being “very self-aware” and “sensitive.”
  • [13:03] Pete: “My limiting belief is I’m too much.”
  • Caroline: “No, that’s ridiculous. You’re tons, I love it.”

• Relationship Patterns and Family Influence:

  • Caroline jokes about her “compulsion” to date alcoholics—wondering if this is connected to her father’s drinking.
  • This opens into a discussion on deep souls, shadows, and why comedians (and those with “brighter lights”) may be drawn to troubled people.
  • [25:09] Caroline: “I think because my dad drank, I never wanted to….I think I went out of my way to be nice, to say: you’re still worth loving.”

3. Memories from TV, Stand-up, and Celebrity Encounters

Timestamps: 18:41–46:00

• Name-Dropping, Lame-Dropping:

  • They differentiate “name-dropping” from “lame-dropping” (e.g. sitting between Whoopi Goldberg and Susan Sarandon vs. working with David Hasselhoff).
  • Caroline gives quick-fire stories about Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Bob Einstein, Larry David, and more.
  • [08:18] Caroline: “That was one of the happiest days of my life. When we were doing Hollywood Squares…I said, I’m on top of Robin Williams. I never thought that would happen!”

• Robin Williams’s Kindness:

  • Caroline describes Williams as deeply generous and present even off-camera, helping her talk show by making early appearances.
  • She reflects on noticing his “deep sadness” in later years despite his bright public persona.
  • [52:24] “All his light was not gone…but he just looked so sad.”

• Steve Martin and Being “Invisible”

  • Tells a long, recurring gag about being mistaken for staff/servant by Steve Martin at festivals, on buses, and at funerals until she “neg’d” him by pretending not to recognize him, which suddenly sparked his attention.
  • [74:46] “You did it. You negged him. You negged Steve Martin…and it worked.”

4. Parenting, Single Motherhood, and Joy

Timestamps: 46:00–57:00

• Having Children—Life in Technicolor:

  • Both agree that having a child changed their life fundamentally, lighting everything up “in full Technicolor.”
  • Discuss the joys and embarrassments of parenting teenagers.
  • Caroline: “She’s the best example in the world. Whatever mood you’re in, I don’t care. I love you more than anything.”
  • Pete on his daughter Leela: “Even if Leela turns on me, she’s so cool.”

• Compassionate Parenting:

  • Share approaches like “time-in” (holding a child during discipline) rather than “time out,” and supporting kids' happiness and confidence.
  • Both have just one child and talk about creating community through cousins and friends for only-children.

5. Spirituality & Meaning

Timestamps: 42:53–47:00, 96:05–119:32

• Kabbalah and Religion:

  • Caroline discusses her exploration of Kabbalah and how all spiritual traditions are “just different GPS voices to get to the same destination.”
  • [44:28] “Everyone is going to the same place, it’s just like GPS—what accent do you want your directions in?”

• The Meaning of Life:

  • Shared wisdom that happiness comes from wanting it for others.
  • Both want their comedy to “heal” audiences—Caroline: “My whole point in doing standup is to raise your consciousness…to lift your spirits. I want you to be a little happier than when you left.”
  • Pete: “I want people to feel less alone…I’d like to sprinkle in a little hope, too.”
  • Caroline urges always helping another comic or person: “Always, always, always help somebody when you can.”

• Quotes and Spiritual Reflections:

  • Pete quotes Richard Rohr: “God doesn’t love you because you are good. God loves you because God is good.” [119:20]
  • They reflect on choosing to “wake up” every day, combating “robot mode,” and the power of conscious kindness.

6. Ghosts, Survival, and Weirdness

Timestamps: 58:07–95:44

• Ghost Encounters:

  • Caroline grew up in a house with ghosts, saw a full apparition at age seven, and shares a touching story about her late mother communicating through dream and lost-and-found watch.
  • [87:14] “10 to 2 was our private joke…My mom’s watch turned up after a year lost, and it was stopped at 10 to 2.”

• Surviving in the Desert:

  • Shares a wild story about getting lost for 29 hours in the Tucson desert, coming close to death, surviving with her friend, cactus injuries, and raccoon confrontations.

7. Comedy Career Advice & Female Perspective

Timestamps: 97:19–114:47

• Advice for Comics:

  • “Get so funny they can’t ignore you” (Jim Gaffigan’s wisdom).
  • “Don’t tell a joke anyone else could tell” — be unique, make your material unmistakably yours.
  • Celebrate having boundaries (e.g., refusing to do disastrous midnight shows).
  • As a woman, Caroline describes being objectified at auditions and pre-#MeToo sexism, contrasting it with being noted as “funny” instead of for her looks—she managed to own it as a badge of pride.

• Female Experience:

  • “I had no idea coming to New York…what a WASP was.”
  • Her mother’s humor and odd wisdoms, and how these shaped Caroline’s resilience and comedic voice.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [06:27] Pete Holmes: “You’re so funny…underrated as a comedian.”
• [08:18] Caroline Rhea: (About Robin Williams) “That was one of the happiest days of my life…Hollywood Squares—I was on top of Robin Williams. I never thought that would happen!”
• [25:09] Caroline Rhea: “Maybe my father was an alcoholic, and he was worth loving. So you’re going to be worth loving.”
• [44:28] Caroline Rhea: “It’s just like GPS. What accent do you want your directions in?”
• [74:46] Pete Holmes: “You negged him. You negged Steve Martin…and it worked.”
• [89:06] Caroline Rhea: (On her mother’s lost watch) “The watch says 10 to 2—shut everyone’s fucking mouth…shut it again.”
• [96:22] Pete Holmes: “I’m showing you what it’s like to be with an abundant, generous person…you won’t settle for the boozy, alcoholic, loser, the cheap stuff.”
• [111:33] Caroline Rhea: “Always help somebody when you can. Always, always, always.”
• [115:21] Caroline Rhea: “My whole point in doing standup is to raise your consciousness…I want you to be a little happier than when you left.”
• [119:20] Pete Holmes (Richard Rohr): “God doesn’t love you because you are good. God loves you because God is good.”

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Episode Highlights By Timestamp

• 01:28–11:18: Comedy origins, New York grit, underrated influences.
• 11:18–18:41: Astrology, family patterns, and the “shadow” side of brilliance.
• 18:41–46:00: Celebrity run-ins, Robin Williams’s generosity, Whoopi and Seinfeld stories.
• 46:00–57:00: Parenting philosophies, raising joyful and resilient daughters.
• 58:07–95:44: Ghost stories, brushes with death, humor in hardship.
• 97:19–114:47: Career advice, female perspective in comedy, surviving objectification.
• 115:00–119:32: Comedy as healing, spiritual sharing, hope, and practical love.
• 119:32–end: Lighthearted outro, invitations to upcoming comedy fantasy camp, and life-affirming takeaways.

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Tone and Language

The tone is intimate, playful, irreverent, and philosophically curious. The episode is packed with witticisms, mutual admiration, and warm teasing. Both Pete and Caroline speak quickly, embrace digressions, and mix light banter with sincere, vulnerable moments.

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Final Takeaways

• The weirdness that makes us unique is worth celebrating, both onstage and in life.
• Comedy can heal, connect, and bring joy—and it matters most when it comes from the heart.
• Parenting, sobriety, self-awareness, and spirituality are all part of the journey, and often humor is the best medicine for them all.
• Help others along the way, bring your full self to your craft, and always remember: “Keep it crispy.”

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Would you like to see a bullet point of practical comedy advice from this episode?

Transcript

[Caroline Rhea]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh, yeah, you made it weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, you made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is Caroline Ray, comedy legend. Sweet, sweet, kind, hilarious, funny, engaging, wise, and very, very, very funny. Caroline Ray. I'm so excited to finally have gotten the chance. I've wanted to have her on for years and she did not disappoint. This is absolutely a did we just become best friends? Sort of episode and I'm so glad you guys are here for it. Caroline is actually doing something called comedy fantasy camp. You can go to comedy fantasy camp dot com. It's her. It's John Lovitz, it's Adam Carolla, it's Jay Leno, Trevor Wallace. For aspiring comedians to be immersed in like a four day experience in Hol. February 29th to March 3rd, go to comedy fantasy camp.com if that sounds interesting to you. Not much to plug for me up top. May the fourth here in la. I'm doing my Netflix is a joke fest. I'm going to be coming to Chicago, Miami, some other dates, [e-mail]. always, always, always means so much when weirdos come out. So I hope you guys can make it to some of those shows. All right, this is it. I love this episode. I hope you do too. This is Caroline Ray. Get into it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Just saw Gary's show. He's so great.

[Pete Holmes]

He's the king.

[Caroline Rhea]

He's hilarious. Yeah. You guys are very.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we similar?

[Caroline Rhea]

No, sympatico.

[Pete Holmes]

We are sympatico. Not at all.

[Caroline Rhea]

In your styles.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Caroline Rhea]

And deep in a very subtle way.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I appreciate. Do you mind if we just. We're just recording now.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, my. Deep in a very.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Would you mind saying that?

[Caroline Rhea]

Is that your father or Ram Dass?

[Pete Holmes]

That is Ram Dass. Wow. You got it in two. Everyone says Alan Alda. You know who Ram Dass is?

[Caroline Rhea]

Of course I did. My father had a picture of him on his bedside table.

[Pete Holmes]

So hot.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. I was like, this is your boyfriend? Daddy, you are unflappable.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, oh, she didn't hear me. But you are already. Yes, Andy. Without even a glimmer in your eye. You're right.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm an Aries too. I can do this all day.

[Pete Holmes]

You looked up my sign?

[Caroline Rhea]

Of course I did.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You're April 13th.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you impressed you looked up my sign. I was impressed when you knew my sign. You didn't give a shit that I knew your exact birthday.

[Caroline Rhea]

March 29th.

[Pete Holmes]

30.

[Caroline Rhea]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, very close.

[Caroline Rhea]

I was so close.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My parents think it's the 31st. I get calls and cards and. Yeah, that's why I'm a comedian.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. My mother used to say when I had a talk show that was on every day, she goes, darling, it was on again today. Like, you're kidding. No, it's unbelievable. It came on again. Well, enjoy it while it lasts.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. This is the backdrop from my old talk show.

[Caroline Rhea]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know anything from your old set?

[Caroline Rhea]

You know what's really upsetting?

[Pete Holmes]

Other than this?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. And.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you don't feel good about this.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

I felt you go, like, yeah, I brought this piece of shit with me.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, no, no. I. I had everything and my American Express card was stolen. And I was not at a point where I was paying attention enough.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And you mean you do now?

[Caroline Rhea]

Every. Yes. And everything was in storage, and so it was canceled. Like, all my storage wasn't paid because my American. And it was all sold off.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Caroline Rhea]

So whoever has my talk show set, give it back.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody is Kramering it right now.

[Caroline Rhea]

Someone's creamering it. Somebody in, like, Storage Wars.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a great episode of Story.

[Caroline Rhea]

I know. They got, like, bright yellow curtains from.

[Pete Holmes]

The Caroline Ray show.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, that'd be good. Or. I was called Carolyn. Carolyn Ria. Today on ktla. They said, but we. And then they defensively said to me, no, we went to how to pronounce. And I go, but I'm telling you it's incorrect.

[Pete Holmes]

You're at the real how to pronounce.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is the Brian Reagan bit. It's Caroline.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's not about me.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. It sounds like.

[Caroline Rhea]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Brion.

[Caroline Rhea]

Isn't that good? It's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say, before we get all swept away, because I'm already so smitten with you and really enjoying this, I just want to say I was watching. Don't be embarrassed. I was watching one of your older specials, I guess one of your HBO ones. Oh. I just want to get your voice in my head.

[Caroline Rhea]

Right. That's an old one. I just did one at the Sydney Opera House in November. I could have sent it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why I knew. As I said, because when people say, I loved your special, I go, which one?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? So I'm telling you the one where I think you're talking about falling in love with your now ex husband.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. Yeah. That's okay. No, it's all right. We were never married.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, never married.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, we never got married.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you, Sarandon. I didn't know you were out there. Sarandon ring. Out there being a Sarandon.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's our only thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Sean Penn. It's your only similarity.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's our only similarity.

[Pete Holmes]

At this point, I'd like a remake of Little Women. But you're a Marmee. I would love that.

[Caroline Rhea]

I don't want to be Marmee.

[Pete Holmes]

No, she's beautiful in that movie. She's named Marmee, but everything else is a little.

[Caroline Rhea]

You can't be hot Marmee.

[Pete Holmes]

Susan Sarandon. Ken.

[Caroline Rhea]

Susan Sarandon sat next to me at the Ted Lasso premiere.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Caroline Rhea]

I know. That's a double name drop because I was sitting next to Whoopi on the other. No, I was sitting next to Whoopi on the other side. I thought the first sentence didn't say it, but I liked it.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoopi on one.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's good name dropping. But if you say, I did a movie with, like, two David Hasselhoff, that's lame dropping. So that's lame dropping. So I want you to name drop and lame drop right now.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll find a lame drop for you.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

So me and I can't think of anyone it wouldn't be so mean about. Me and Skeet Ulrich were down by the bay.

[Caroline Rhea]

I love Skeet Ulrich.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know Skeet Ulrich? I thought I was like, there's no way she's gonna know Skeet Ulrich. He was a baby. He's like a Johnny Depp type.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, but he was on Riverdale.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I didn't know. Were you on Riverdale?

[Caroline Rhea]

No, but for some reason, I met him and he was very sweet.

[Pete Holmes]

Very sweet.

[Caroline Rhea]

And by the way, David Hasselhoff is the sweetest of men.

[Pete Holmes]

I believe it.

[Caroline Rhea]

He really is.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd get lost in that chest hair. You know what I mean? Scratch it. You ladies have all the fun.

[Caroline Rhea]

Do you have it?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't. I'm a Lithuanian. And I'm an Aries. You know, all those. I just want to say watch first. You're just so funny. You're so funny. And I was watching it and I was like. I don't know how to say this without having, like, a sour energy.

[Caroline Rhea]

Underrated.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Yeah, underrated.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm underrated as a comedian. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, like, I'm watching you, and I'm like, well, there's a little me for real. Like, you're very silly and you do these act outs. I call them playground bits. Where, like, you set it up, but then you can kind of do it as long as you want. And you're doing that. And I'm like, it was her. Because I watched you when I was, you know, starting up, but then a lot of very big female comedians. I'm like, oh, big influence. And that's not shots fired.

[Caroline Rhea]

Right? That's just.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't hear it being mentioned. I'm trying to say it in a lovely way.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, it is a very nice.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to say it in a bitter way.

[Caroline Rhea]

I see it in some of the baby. That some of the young girls. I'm like one specifically. I really very much see Amy.

[Pete Holmes]

We can say, yeah, that's not bad to say. It's like saying, you see, Regan when you watch me. It's not a bad thing.

[Caroline Rhea]

I don't, though. I think. I think you're much more.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I shed my Reagan. Who do you think?

[Caroline Rhea]

Honestly?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. Because if it starts with honestly, Bill Cosby off stage.

[Caroline Rhea]

You'Re gonna think, this is really a bizarre one. So the first person I'm gonna say is who I think how your brain actually works. But then I'm just gonna go for it. If Robin Williams was channeled through Jimmy Stewart.

[Pete Holmes]

Jimmy Stewart. It's a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. Robin Williams. Brain in Jimmy Stewart.

[Pete Holmes]

Your money's in the bank. It's not here. An angel gets its wings. What's it gonna do? It has a Red Bull. It's out there swinging. It gives you wings. Oh, we have an energy drink. Now I have an erection. Ooh, and diarrhea. Paranoia. What's happening? Paranoia. I only want one. I don't want two. What am I gonna do with two Noyas the Noid. Avoid the Noid. Have a Domino's. Domino's pizza. Set him up. Knock him down. Don't, don't. Don't make me do. Robin. Caroline, great to meet you. Have you met him? You met him? A million.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, I loved him so.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

That was one of the happiest days of my life. When we were doing Hollywood Squares and he was sitting below me and I said, I'm on top of Robin Williams. I never thought that's what happened.

[Pete Holmes]

My God, you got that genie blown up your skirt.

[Caroline Rhea]

He's so.

[Pete Holmes]

Never had a friend like me. Oh, there you go. Special. Never had a friend with benefit like me. Caroline, did you know I met him.

[Caroline Rhea]

Once and did you do him for him?

[Pete Holmes]

No. You think it's that good? Like an impression has to be pretty good. If you're like, I do you, you Know what I mean? Hey, Bravo. Nice to meet you. Oh, meat, meat, meat. Oh, veal. Ooh. Small cow in a cage. I felt like that. Ooh, private school. You know what I mean? I don't want to do that. It'd be like, fuck you.

[Caroline Rhea]

The first time I ever met him was 1989. It was stand Up New York.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just thinking about Stand up in New York and how unwelcoming it is when you walk in. Oh, I just mean the feng shui. I like the stage room. But you walk in and you're like, am I interrupting the bar? Like, it's shooting out at you. Do you know what I'm talking about? That's the feel of starting comedy in New York, is you walk in these rooms, that very LA word, but energetically are just like, is this right? Like, am I interrupting?

[Caroline Rhea]

Well, in la, I feel like I'm just gonna get up in the living room and try and be witty. No, I want a club.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you mean.

[Caroline Rhea]

And that's why I said New York comics are so much better at crowd work, because you're in the room, you're talking to them. How can I ignore you?

[Pete Holmes]

And they have to be. I'm gonna say they have to be a little bit more. Cerebral. I was gonna say smart.

[Caroline Rhea]

Quick. Quick.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you're cornered and you can't move. So there's fewer bits where you're like. What's an LA stereotype is you're like, my dick's out there flapping.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's flapping. Well, I opened up that. Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I was doing. I just watched you do it to great effect. No, but you think of Jimmy Gaff, who you started with.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna get back to that Robin story.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay, good.

[Pete Holmes]

And that Susan story.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, my God. This is like looking in a mirror. My brain works just like yours.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Welcome to the show. It's so fun. Let's just be safe and love each other just for a couple hours. Then you can go back out there and be afraid and a little anxious, little worried. That'll be me. I can't speak for you, but Jimmy Gaffigan is the classic New York comedian to me. Or a tell another guy you started with.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, Ital is the king. Talk about people who've influenced other comedians.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a whole.

[Caroline Rhea]

There's a whole squadron. Ital is ground zero. He's. He's everyone's.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I don't know about a ground zero reference back. A New York comedian.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe a European. His ground Zero over there still means when you crack open a hard boiled egg at morning, that's ground zero, love. We have a different ground zero over here. It's a sad ground zero.

[Caroline Rhea]

All right. The og.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm just saying, those guys that can stand still, Atel, Gaffigan, Marin, these are all people you started with. And they could just. They can just be a stick on the stake. I'm not putting them down.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Gavigan can just be like, the hell. And that's because I could never do it. He started in rooms where he was literally in the corner of a Thai restaurant.

[Caroline Rhea]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? In la, you start and you can, you know, Dane Cook is the. He started in Boston, in New York, and he did what he did in New York, but in la, it felt even better. Bigger stages, more room is all I'm saying.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's so funny because when I'm at the Comedy Store, I find myself just, like, standing there because I'm so trained.

[Pete Holmes]

In New York, I like standing there.

[Caroline Rhea]

I just stand. No, but in a theater, I'm going to use the whole space and run around and play. I mean, the minute I can physicalize them, that's. Isn't there something that you do on stage that. Okay, now I'm free. Now I'm like, it's playtime.

[Pete Holmes]

My body will tell me how I really felt about the show. And if I'm moving around, it's two things. I did a show a couple nights ago and the crowd was just a little tight and I caught myself pacing like Chris Rock. I started moving like a lion, like a caged lion, to show, demonstrate a certain fearlessness, even though I was probably getting, like, tight. But to counteract that, I was like, let's get my body fearless and maybe I'll follow. And it worked. It helped.

[Caroline Rhea]

Are you naturally self aware?

[Pete Holmes]

Don't interview me, Carol.

[Caroline Rhea]

Are you naturally self aware?

[Pete Holmes]

It's Humez. It's Pietro.

[Caroline Rhea]

Are you naturally self? Aware? Because you have a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, very self aware. Very sensitive, too.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes, I believe me, I have an astrological card line. Did you look that up?

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. Oh, you're into astrology. I love it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What fun. I just found out the hour that I'm born. My mom had no idea. And I emailed the hospital and I was like, when was I born? And they were like, we're not allowed to give out information, but between us. And they told me, I don't. I have it written down. It's in the afternoon.

[Caroline Rhea]

Ask me a question.

[Pete Holmes]

Any question about astrology.

[Caroline Rhea]

Ask me any question.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Ready? Was there?

[Caroline Rhea]

Don't interview me, peto.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. That's what that feels like. See, I want it to be loving, but that's jarring.

[Caroline Rhea]

It was jarring.

[Pete Holmes]

It was jarring.

[Caroline Rhea]

Natural instinct.

[Pete Holmes]

I need. I'm a bit much.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, you're not.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Caroline Rhea]

You're tons. I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

I appreciate that. My limiting belief is I'm too much.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, that's ridiculous.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what yours is?

[Caroline Rhea]

I must date an alcoholic, too. I must. I must. No, but you know what? My baby daddy wasn't at all. But since then, it's just like, boozies.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, go for the boo, choosies. The boozies. Oh, I choose the boozy bitch beam. Jack Daniels. He's over there. Captain Morgan.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know what? I was at Canters and I was all excited because I was going to order a milkshake because I'm a child. And when I was like. I was literally about to go, oh, milkshake. And then he ordered first. I'm like, I'll have a double vodka. I was like, at a diner? Yeah, at a diner. We're having ice cream. What are you talking about?

[Pete Holmes]

Not to make it about me, but to relate.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

When old homesy was a booze bag.

[Caroline Rhea]

Were you a booze bag?

[Pete Holmes]

I was a booze bag.

[Caroline Rhea]

What? From when to when.

[Pete Holmes]

It really started, I got divorced. So 28. I really started.

[Caroline Rhea]

Like, when you got divorced, did you.

[Pete Holmes]

Just go, I was a. Actually, when I got married. That's more interesting.

[Caroline Rhea]

It is more.

[Pete Holmes]

That's when I realized.

[Caroline Rhea]

What sign did you. Not to interview you, but. What sign did you marry?

[Pete Holmes]

She was born in December. I don't know what that is. In, like, mid December.

[Caroline Rhea]

Sagittarius, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Sagittarius.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, good. Aries. Sagittarius.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, no good.

[Pete Holmes]

Val is February 28th.

[Caroline Rhea]

Perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Caroline Rhea]

Well, a Pisces in Aries is Soulmates. Shut the Soulmates. Yeah, but a Pisces will also. You'll say to them they can be Pisces aggressive. So if you say, where do you want to go to dinner? And you go. And she'll go, you pick. You pick. Okay, well, let's have Chinese. Okay. Last time I had Chinese, I did get MSG poisoning, but I'm sure they don't have it there, so it's totally fine. You're like, okay, well, where do you want to go? Oh, well, what about. I was thinking of Italian. Italian is so good. I am gluten intolerant and I can't have the pasta, but I'm sure they have something like a salad. I'm like, just pick. Okay. You pick.

[Pete Holmes]

You're right on the money. I wish Val was here because she just not direct.

[Caroline Rhea]

And we are so direct. We're like, just say what you mean. The emotional stew is too much for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Ram Dass is an Aries as well. So I. I did know that Ram Dass was an Aries when I talked to Val. I speak that artwork. Oh, thanks.

[Caroline Rhea]

Is it yours?

[Pete Holmes]

I painted most of those.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, you did.

[Pete Holmes]

I painted the rabbit. I painted the joker. I painted the cat. I want to paint again.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's so interesting. I am an artist. We Aries, we left it. We have to multitask.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes. I make crazy things.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean your alcoholic boyfriend's 69ing? Let's just see what you want to see. No, don't think about it. Don't think about it.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know, it was really good. The one alcoholic was maybe the one. He was. He was incredibly stupid. And he once actually said to me that his ex wife. Okay. That his ex wife lived at 413 Ray St. 0413 Rhea St. And I was like, that's my birthday and my name. Don't you think that's weird?

[Pete Holmes]

Whoa.

[Caroline Rhea]

And he goes, no. I go. I go, how come you never mentioned that to me? And he goes, I swear, he said this. I don't know. I just had a suppository. Now. I was like, this is like human wordle all the time. I'm like, I think you mean epiphany. I don't know how I got it, but I did. And he said, potato, potato. Like, oh, those are not interchangeable suppository and epiphany. There's not a little suppository after Christmas for Orthodox Russians.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm dead. And potato brings us back to vodka.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

This man's always on potatoes.

[Caroline Rhea]

Always on potatoes.

[Pete Holmes]

I dated a woman who was really into it. Her mom was an astrologer. And I'm saying this with full respect. And she dated me and her ex, her previous big relationship, same birthday as me. I was like, what's going on? It was weird.

[Caroline Rhea]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

We had similar names too. And. And she. Her mom gave me a really good reading. It was really right on. She was very, very talented.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's just. I don't know. I'm. You're obviously a clearly intuitive person, right?

[Pete Holmes]

I think so, yeah. I'm a feeling and a heady. I'M both.

[Caroline Rhea]

Are you an extrovert with a little need to be introverted?

[Pete Holmes]

I almost screamed, don't interview me. But I won't.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know what? I think that's what your show should be called. Don't enter, don't interview me.

[Pete Holmes]

But people who.

[Caroline Rhea]

I can't help it. I'm naturally inquisitive.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm an Aries. That's our nature.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm loving it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Go ahead, ask me. I won't ask a single question.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, no, no. I am intro.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's all about me. Stop it. More about me. Oh, wait, did I not leave you hanging?

[Pete Holmes]

No, it was great. But I do want to tell you because. Because it's going to go back to.

[Caroline Rhea]

You sound like every time we do that. Is it an annoying little hit?

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's nothing. I don't know. It's just the pure confidence. Is that an Aries thing, too? It's nothing.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's nothing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fine. It's nothing.

[Caroline Rhea]

But I do. If. If I was the kind of guest that would ask questions, I would be curious what you haven't done yet that you would like to do.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm not gonna ask that. I wanted to say I speak Valerie, so I know when she says something like, I don't know, or I don't even feel like do, or I'm not sure. I'll just go, like, you clearly want to do that. Let's go, or whatever. And it's beautiful. It's like a beautiful dance. And she brings out all of this heart and this, like, I always joke that she makes me like, bigfoot. Now I'm like, friend, like, making friends and, like, with no agendas. Like, in my 20s, it was all, like, alliances, you know what I mean? Not social climbing, backstabby, but just kind of like, why would I be friends with someone who I don't admire and whose career mirrors the one I want? You know what I mean?

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

And, yeah, and now I hang out with lots of regos, and I love it. I shouldn't call them regos.

[Caroline Rhea]

We call them civilians.

[Pete Holmes]

Civilians. We used to. We got a lot of notes about that. We were like, stop calling non comedians civilians who are not in the military. But I like it. Don't get me wrong, I love it.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, but dating. But I think rego is way worse, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never said it before and I'll never say it again. I just meant regular. But even regular sounds horrible.

[Caroline Rhea]

It sucks, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Non comedians how about less thans?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Inferiors. I'm friends with a lot of pieces of shit now. Like, kind of uninspiring, you know? Fearful cowards.

[Caroline Rhea]

You. I'm not. But you did start about getting sober, and then you just didn't finish.

[Pete Holmes]

I was gonna. You did have a talk show, didn't you?

[Caroline Rhea]

I did. I'm sorry. You're very trying so hard not to.

[Pete Holmes]

No, let's bring it. We'll steer it back to you, though.

[Caroline Rhea]

So. Gonna fall on someone's head.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's another ram dust thing in there.

[Caroline Rhea]

Look. By the way, terrible storage with open slats.

[Pete Holmes]

Just gonna say, buddy, I've thought about putting that up there.

[Caroline Rhea]

Like, I don't know, maybe a ceiling, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, throw in a ceiling. Don't look too much up there because there's, like, a mold stain and I gotta paint over it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It won't fix it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, my God. Black mold instantly affected me now that I know it's.

[Pete Holmes]

And she's gone.

[Caroline Rhea]

And she's gone. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you do, though? Do I have to have that, like, cut out?

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, you have to have the mold. People come. They come. They. It looks like they're in Ghostbusters. And you probably have a ghost behind the mold, so it'll probably be a double duty anyway. Boozer. No, no longer.

[Pete Holmes]

The telltale sign was when you're at brunch ordering a double Bloody Mary with a splash of tomato juice. Just a splash. I'd be drinking this, like, clear pink drink and. And downing it before the food got there. I just like. I'm a more. More. More person. Do you struggle with that?

[Caroline Rhea]

Only with fudge. I never. I don't. I don't drink.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, good.

[Caroline Rhea]

I don't do drugs, but I have probably a thousand teacups.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you have other compulsions.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, they're weird. My mother was an antique dealer, so, yeah, I collect. I collect alcoholics. And I was gonna do this joke on the Tonight show, but they thought it was too mean. I said, who's Tonight Show? Jimmy's.

[Pete Holmes]

Jimmy's.

[Caroline Rhea]

Jimmy's. Yeah. Thanks. I'm not that old. Jack Park. Two cavemen needs to meet at a rock. Ha, ha. Drew joke. I'm gonna draw the punchline.

[Pete Holmes]

I just wanted to know. You've probably done the other one.

[Caroline Rhea]

In my defense, I never did Johnny Carson.

[Pete Holmes]

I meant Jay.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, I did do Jay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't think you did, Johnny.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, okay. Oh, you know what? I don't think of Jay as the Tonight Show. I think Of Johnny, I think of. You know what I mean? I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

I find that very insulting. Okay, go on.

[Caroline Rhea]

He's one of the teachers that I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Caroline Rhea]

Doing the comedy.

[Pete Holmes]

Plug it. Don't you plug? Comedy Camp in Hollywood on February 29th, 9th through March 2nd, with Adam Carolla, you and Trevor Wallace and Jay Leno teaching aspiring comedians and that's it. How to do comedy and enjoy it. Like a fantasy camp for comedy nerds. Don't plug it.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm not going to.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't tell them they can get tickets at Comedy Camp.

[Caroline Rhea]

Something, something.

[Pete Holmes]

Just Google Comedy Camp. That's what we're going to say.

[Caroline Rhea]

Comedy fantasy Camp. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Comedy fantasy camp.

[Caroline Rhea]

Don't plug it.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't you plug it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Don't you plug it.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't you interview.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's the other name. Okay, so don't interview and don't plug it. That's the name of your new. Your new thing. But I have. I have to know. It's just a question. What's the dog's name?

[Pete Holmes]

Scout.

[Caroline Rhea]

Scout.

[Pete Holmes]

You made me change gears, though.

[Caroline Rhea]

Tequila Mockingbird, Scout.

[Pete Holmes]

Tequila Mockingbird, your expert.

[Caroline Rhea]

Now. Let me be perfectly clear. My baby daddy was not him. He was not the one that I was talking about how in love I.

[Pete Holmes]

Was, and especially Greek. He gave me something long, hard, on our wedding night.

[Caroline Rhea]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Classic. Classic.

[Caroline Rhea]

I didn't say that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you think. I thought that's from the movie Punchline. Ally Fields, and it's a street joke. I'm not here to insult you. I'm here to celebrate you. But the old joke is, he gave me something long and hard on our wedding night. His last name.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's funny. No, my joke was always, my daughter's name is Ava Ray Economopoulos. I've already explained to her that the Economopolis is silent. That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

The Economopolis is silent.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's a Greek word that means difficult to get along with.

[Pete Holmes]

Fantastic. Because he was a. He is a comic.

[Caroline Rhea]

He is. It's a very funny comic. He. We were working together, and we were in Florida, and the girl said, now I'm going to bring up Kostaki. No, Your. Your boyfriend first. I go, no, his name is Kastaki Economopoulos. I go, I'm gonna write it out, okay? And she goes. She goes, baby, I got it. And I go, okay, because I called him Biscotti for two years, but that's fine. And then with utter confidence, she said, give it up for Econococcalocapus. And I was like, are you Greek? Because nobody ever gets it on the first try. Econococcaloccapus. And now I'm going to tell you my favorite because you're too young. But I know you'll get it because you have an old soul. I was supposed to name my daughter after his father, which was Vasilis. Vasilis, which sounds like it'd be cleared up with antibiotics. And I said, I'm not naming her.

[Pete Holmes]

Facilitate.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Facilis. Yeah. Where's your. Get your brother. Chlamydia.

[Pete Holmes]

Very similar to Bachulas, which is my Lithuanian. Some. There's some Bachulas's in my family.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, that's right, you're Lithuanian.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay, now I can't remember. Oh, I said, if I have to name my daughter Vasilis, her middle name is going to be Diller.

[Pete Holmes]

Diller.

[Caroline Rhea]

Vasilis Diller.

[Pete Holmes]

Vasilis Diller. Oh, Phyllis Diller. You're right.

[Caroline Rhea]

Too young.

[Pete Holmes]

Why. Why all the alcohol?

[Caroline Rhea]

I know, but I'm steering you to that. Why all the alcoholics? I don't know the last two. Well, here's.

[Pete Holmes]

Was your dad an alcohol. I'm not trying to be funny.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, probably. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Caroline Rhea]

But you know what? I do find a lot of deep souls that are tortured.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Are Alan Watts. Are alcoholics brilliant?

[Caroline Rhea]

But I'm not saying that it's worth it.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Caroline Rhea]

But I would definitely say that. Yeah. For some reason I get it. And I don't drink. I was like, they. I feel like they. I'm like, do I smell like rum? Just if you get close. Do I have, like, vodka activated skin? Why are you drawn to me?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you know, to go with you on what you're saying. Have you heard, like, the brighter the light, the bigger the shadow? Have you heard that?

[Caroline Rhea]

No. And I've heard every catchphrase.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a new one. Well, think about it. There's a beautiful big light, and you get really close to it. There's a huge shadow behind you. So there are a lot of brilliant and special troubled people of all different types, but you just happen to.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know what I think it is? I think probably because my dad drank, I never wanted to. I hated when anybody got called an alcoholic because I thought they dismissed their whole soul and personality. And so I think I went out of my way to be nice. Like. Like, I don't care if you're an alcoholic. Maybe my father was, and he was worth loving. And so you're gonna be Worth loving. You know, it's deep. It's so ridiculous. So at some point. When are we done?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When do you say it's not? Even though they are worthy of love? Do you have to push that boulder over the hill? Do you?

[Caroline Rhea]

Am I Sisyphus, the third Greek child? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you Sisyphusian?

[Caroline Rhea]

Sisyphus. I'm very sisificated.

[Pete Holmes]

This next comedian is very sisificated. Yeah. No, I.

[Caroline Rhea]

Classic. Scholars are like, that is the greatest joke we've ever had.

[Pete Holmes]

They turn up their old timey radios. You know the wooden one. You know the wooden one adjusting. And then they listen to the shadow.

[Caroline Rhea]

I like it. I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a lot. Are you dating an alcoholic right now?

[Caroline Rhea]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Single.

[Caroline Rhea]

The last one's gone. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You can have a Vita Coco. See, I almost said Vita.

[Caroline Rhea]

I really feel like this should be a sponsorship. Or you have ocd. Which is it?

[Pete Holmes]

It's both. No, it's. Those are for you.

[Caroline Rhea]

Is it a prop?

[Pete Holmes]

And this is magic mind. You can have that.

[Caroline Rhea]

What's that?

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a. It's a nootropic matcha drink. Has a little bit of caffeine and it helps you think.

[Caroline Rhea]

A nootropic?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Do you know what that means?

[Caroline Rhea]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Nootropics are just like brain vitamins, not stimulants, but they like nutrition for your noodle. This sounds like an ad, but I love it. I just had one.

[Caroline Rhea]

Can I tell you something which I thought was quite hilarious?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, please.

[Caroline Rhea]

I really don't do drugs. Ever. Yeah, Except.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't wait.

[Caroline Rhea]

No. They came out in gummy form, and that is a terrible thing for somebody who eats candy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

So I was going out with said alcoholic, and I was completely nervous, and my friend said, just take one of these. You'll totally relax. Okay. So are you. Do you do drugs? I don't even know.

[Pete Holmes]

I dabble.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay, so there's sativa and what's the other one?

[Pete Holmes]

Indica.

[Caroline Rhea]

Indica. So indicouch. Right. Makes you sleepy and sativa makes you happy.

[Pete Holmes]

Saturday night. Sativa.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay, so I think that the intention was to take Sativa and I was given indica. And at the point in the night where it was getting romantic, I. Do you remember when Nemo tries to speak whale?

[Pete Holmes]

Nemo.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know, when she. I was like, in my mind, I was like. I was like, oh, come to me. I was. I was like, this is not for me.

[Pete Holmes]

You got so high. You became dory.

[Caroline Rhea]

I did. I got. I got Dory high.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is Ellen, your other Dear friend, is it. No, not close with Ellen.

[Caroline Rhea]

Not a fan.

[Pete Holmes]

Not a fan. Wow. Out in the open on the air.

[Caroline Rhea]

She was very, very mean to me.

[Pete Holmes]

But this is the dish I usually get when we say cut. Here it is. How is she mean to you?

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, she did something really soul crushing a long time ago.

[Pete Holmes]

She said something.

[Caroline Rhea]

Well, she did something. Me. I. I'm. You know what? She's been so unkind to so many people I love. I'm. I'm not a fan.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Caroline Rhea]

Sorry. Yuck. Yuck.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all I'll say.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yuck.

[Pete Holmes]

We won't drag the vibe down.

[Caroline Rhea]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Who's been kind to you? Who helped you? Who helped you?

[Caroline Rhea]

Everybody's been kind to me. Whoopi.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoop.

[Caroline Rhea]

Whoopi.

[Pete Holmes]

Is she always been.

[Caroline Rhea]

Whoopi's totally wonderful. Whoopi's wonderful.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Wonderful. Goldberg.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. Whoopi is wonderful. You know what?

[Pete Holmes]

Strong.

[Caroline Rhea]

Have you had a bad experience with that, Lynn?

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like, oh, no, I. I've never met. No, I did her show once, but I. I've never had any experience other than a nice one.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know who's so lovely? Bob Einstein.

[Pete Holmes]

Bob Einstein.

[Caroline Rhea]

He was so sweet to me. You mean Super Dave?

[Pete Holmes]

Super Dave.

[Caroline Rhea]

Super Dave Osborne.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

Larry David.

[Pete Holmes]

Larry David helped.

[Caroline Rhea]

Well, I was in his. I was in the pilot of Curb.

[Pete Holmes]

You were?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Caroline Rhea]

I mean, he's always been super nice. I don't have. You know, I have very few people that I go, oh, you're a horrible person.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Well, one of the people that helped me early on was Jim Gaffigan.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's one of the. I just. This. This. Don't you feel the free.

[Caroline Rhea]

How have Jim. How have Jim and I never played brother and sister.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. Because when I go to Scotland, this joke made him laugh, but it's true. Inevitably, someone comes up to me and says, whenever you're on the telly, people say that I look quite a bit like you.

[Pete Holmes]

All the people say that.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. And I always want to say you do look like me, but you also look like a snowman and a baby. It's just we're doughy and cartilage based. That's all it is. There's a very few bones and a lot of dough. The wind blows. Look at me. Wind blows, Wind blows. You said, look at me and when your eyes were closed.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Caroline Rhea]

Don't tell me to look at you. Don't interview me. Don't tell me to look at you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so.

[Caroline Rhea]

Don't Reference Ram Dass before me.

[Pete Holmes]

This energy is so good. Comedy is so fun. So, Val, my beautiful wife, we're trying to, like, stoke the fire of her. I don't know how else to put it. Have you seen the movie Collateral?

[Caroline Rhea]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Who cares? But there's a very meek character played by Jamie Foxx, and there's a very bold character played by Tom Cruise. And over the course of a murderous night, Jamie Foxx learns how to be more assertive.

[Caroline Rhea]

I remember the trailer, and it's an.

[Pete Holmes]

Action movie, but Val and I were watching it last night. I'm trying to, like. Because she's trying to, like, step into her power and her voice, and it's just so funny. Like, you do it so lightly. Like, look at me. It's so funny. Funny and amazing. And it comes from this place of, like, self love. Always sounds like we're jerks that, like, look in the mirror all day. Narcissist. Now we're getting Sisyphus. Narcissist. We're getting all of them. But there's like a self take up space. You know what I mean? Has that always been easy for you? Is that one of the reasons why you. I'm like, Jim Glick. Is that why you catapulted through the comedy scene?

[Caroline Rhea]

But it's Jiminy Glick. Not the greatest.

[Pete Holmes]

So funny. So funny.

[Caroline Rhea]

Martin Short brought me on stage.

[Pete Holmes]

Why do you mention him?

[Caroline Rhea]

I don't know. Martin Short brought me on.

[Pete Holmes]

This is me thinking, Jiminy Glick's a real person. What's. Don't change topics.

[Caroline Rhea]

Don't change topics. Don't change topics.

[Pete Holmes]

Talking about Jiminy Glick. If Jiminy Glick were a real person.

[Caroline Rhea]

Said, oh, Caroline and I love to watch television and watch the Save the Children commercials. And she laughs and laughs. And then he brought me on stage. I was like, I am going to shoot you, Martin Short.

[Pete Holmes]

That is the best, funniest intro. She laughs and laughs. Ladies and gentlemen, Caroline Ray.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, yeah. And then I came off stage and he said, oh, I'm angry with you over two of those jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. Because the true compliment.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, it was the best compliment.

[Pete Holmes]

The true compliment.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, my God. If you've ever seen him be carried across the stage where he pretends to be in a bagpipe. Have you seen it?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, it's. It's. He's a genius.

[Pete Holmes]

He gets carried across.

[Caroline Rhea]

He pretends he's a bagpipe. He gets a big guy in the audience to come across, and then he pretends to play. He plays him. He goes to Go like this. And go. And he makes all the bagpipe sounds.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know what?

[Pete Holmes]

That looks a bit like me. Somebody in Scotland watching it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought I looked like Carolyn Ray, but I look like this.

[Caroline Rhea]

We had a line, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

What'd I say?

[Caroline Rhea]

Pete Hormez.

[Pete Holmes]

In a Scottish accent.

[Caroline Rhea]

You said carolyn.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't be beholden to saying your name correctly if I'm doing a Scottish accent.

[Caroline Rhea]

Last night, I had to do a morning show. So, whatever. At midnight, I'm doing the morning show in Scotland, and my phone is here, and I never know which freaking lens to look at. And they're over here. Yes. Zooming it. And I'm sure they're like, I didn't know Caroline Ray was blind. Because I'm just like, well, it's. I'm gonna be in Scotland, and then I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be in Edinburgh. Like, I had no idea where to look.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. This was last night.

[Caroline Rhea]

Have you done the Fringe? Don't ask me about the Fringe. That's your fourth show. Have you done it?

[Pete Holmes]

The Fringe Festival, to me, and you correct me if I'm wrong, sounds like a nightmare.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's both.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean it's good and bad?

[Caroline Rhea]

Well, you do 30 shows in a row.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm out. What is this? Let's take comedy and turn it into coal mining. Let's turn it, like. Let's turn it into. I don't want to make it do.

[Caroline Rhea]

A canary in the front row every night I killed.

[Pete Holmes]

It was because there were fumes. Because there were deadly fumes. I just.

[Caroline Rhea]

They don't laugh either. They just go like this because they've.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, it's an I look. It's an orgy for everybody. The performer is doing too much, the audience is doing too much. And comedy is like sex. The best sex of your life is a surprise. It ha. What? I just. The date went really well and we had sex. That's amazing sex. You don't want to have sex just by rote 30 days in a row or get drunk 30 days in a row or eat cake 30 days in a row. So the audiences are spoiled. I'm talking about other festivals I've been to.

[Caroline Rhea]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You go out and do the best set of your life, and you're like, these fuckers came from a Bill Burr show. Now they're at my show. Then they're gonna go to the midnight Ray Romano show. Like, who is this for?

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm never doing another festival.

[Pete Holmes]

All the donuts in the world, you know that Simpsons?

[Caroline Rhea]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Homer goes to hell. And they go, you like donuts, eh? How about all the donuts in the world and there's a machine? The joke is that he goes more. He doesn't hate it. It's supposed to be hell. But he goes. In between bites, he goes, more. But to me, I'd like to hear your philosophy. No.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's such a no. You've completely expressed why I'll never do it again.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry. Fringe.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, the last time I just did it for a week. But I've done it for that straight month, the 30. And they review you as if it is like your company review, like you're on LinkedIn. I go, this is just comedy.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, to quote Jerome Seinfeld, it was reviewed in the room. It was reviewed in the room.

[Caroline Rhea]

It is a good impression.

[Pete Holmes]

One guy who had to take a shit, who watched too much comedy and maybe got broken up with two weeks ago is gonna write up a little summary of my little skits. Eat fucking shit, dude. There was a woman next to you, and she was having a disease healed. She was laughing so hard. And you're gonna be like, it was a little derivative. Fuck off. Roll that up and shit.

[Caroline Rhea]

Shove it up your ass.

[Pete Holmes]

It was reviewed in the room. You don't review comedy. Comedy is review. I'm very worked up.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, you're very accurate.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Caroline Rhea]

That was a good Jerry.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. Thank you. You should have been on the show. You could have been Jerry's girlfriend.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know what? I had an audition. No, it wasn't even an audition. They asked me to do, like. It was a small part on Seinfeld, and that was one of the reasons I fired my managers, that they didn't. They didn't tell me. They also didn't tell me they had passed. I. I got a call the night before Sabrina the Teenage Witch was testing, and they. And the woman who created the show called me and said, will you please reconsider? And I'm like, what will I reconsider? And she's like, well, your managers passed on the show six weeks ago. And I was like, what show?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm dying. Yeah, I'm dying.

[Caroline Rhea]

And it was so long ago that I had to go across the street where it looked like it was faxed and all the pages were curled so it was like. It was like I was reading, like, yield, witch, ye shall speak to the Sabrina character. Yeah, it was very. And then.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you do that? You unfurled?

[Caroline Rhea]

I did. I unfurled it. It was a Scroll as you read from the great script of Sabrina.

[Pete Holmes]

My name is Karen Ray. I'm five foot. How tall are you?

[Caroline Rhea]

Eight and a half. But my daughter will tell you I'm five, six.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Like the NBA, you bump it up.

[Caroline Rhea]

My daughter's six feet tall.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. How old is she now?

[Caroline Rhea]

Fifteen.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Caroline Rhea]

Total love of my life.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, good. She doesn't. She didn't turn on you in the night.

[Caroline Rhea]

Doesn't matter. I love that child so much. You know what? She's the best example in the world. Like, I see whatever mood you're in, I don't care. I love you more than anything. Occasionally I'm like, okay, that hurt mommy's feelings. And Bummy is a person. Don't cry. You are not a victim. I'm like, okay, that snapped.

[Pete Holmes]

Was that right your own voice or. That was her.

[Caroline Rhea]

That was her.

[Pete Holmes]

She yells, don't cry. You're not a victim. Yeah, sometimes sounds like you're in a.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, she's the best.

[Pete Holmes]

Bad situation.

[Caroline Rhea]

She's really.

[Pete Holmes]

No. Can I say, look, my daughter's five. But I say because people are like, enjoy it now. And I go, even if Leila turns on me just to join you, I go, she's so cool. Of course she's embarrassed by her dad. She's the fucking coolest.

[Caroline Rhea]

Well, look at her dad too.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? I did it to camera. Right. But I also misunderstood. I thought you were saying I was cool, but really it was. You're saying I'm embarrassing. Right. But I did the wrong. I did the wrong read.

[Caroline Rhea]

Then you go to the next camera wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

That's embarrassing. So they pass and you can them. I hate this story.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, it's a terrible story.

[Pete Holmes]

And Seinfeld. Do you know who you were gonna be on Seinfeld?

[Caroline Rhea]

I don't remember, but I was like, oh, and we were on the same lot. So I could have like run over Radford. Yeah, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. CBS Radford quite famously is where they shot Seinfeld. I say quite famously to be condescending. Quite famously. Everyone knows.

[Caroline Rhea]

Was it Radford? I know, but I remember walking over there after a show. So what was I on in Radford? I don't remember. Yeah, I've had many lives. You know what? Really? Don't you feel this way? Like life, great, wonderful. Ava born, life, start everything before that.

[Pete Holmes]

80 knows I've said that.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, like amazing, wonderful, but like full Technicolor when she was born.

[Pete Holmes]

Speed.

[Caroline Rhea]

Agree, full. I was listening to one of my 8 million self helpy kind of things last night.

[Pete Holmes]

Love self help.

[Caroline Rhea]

Love self help.

[Pete Holmes]

Need it?

[Caroline Rhea]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Who else am I gonna help? You help me. I can't change you. Change me. I'm out there helping. Can't help you help yourself. Then God helps you. God helps you if you do self help. The old adage ooh, adage, who had it wrong? It just starts collapsing in on itself. Just fear. Madness. You may have noticed a new pizza pick right there on the set is our friends at Vita Cocoa. I love Vita Coco. I've been a fan for many years. Whenever I'm feeling sluggish or dehydrated or I just want a treat, honestly a treat without loading myself up with all the added sugars and random chemicals found in way too many beverages out there, I reach for a Vita Cocoa. It's real, it's natural, it's from the earth, but it's still fun. Vita Coco is the number one coconut water brand in the us. Get some balance in your life with healthy beverages that are actually a good time. Vita Coco comes in wonderful flavors that you saw right there on set. Not just coconut, but pineapple and peach and mango which are incredible. Coconut water has nutrients I'm sure you know to supercharge you and make you feel good. Helps amazingly with recovery as a post workout drink. Vita Coco replenishes you and keeps you performing at your best and shining strong throughout the day. Vita Cocoa is also a wonderful mixer. Throw in some tequila, agave, a squeeze of lime and you have an amazing cocktail that also has electrolytes and nutrients in there, which means a better feeling morning after. Or if you're like me, you can use it to make some incredible mocktails. And because of the electrolytes, coconut water can also bring you back to life the day after. So take 25% off. Get some fun in your life. Get some hydration, get some flavor, some natural flavor. 25 off get Vita Cocoa shipped to your door by using code WEIRD20 on Vitacoco.com prefer to shop in store? Find a Vita Cocoa at most big name grocers like Walmart, drugstores like CVS and local convenience stores and bodegas. But for 25% off and support the show, go to Vitacoco.com and use promo code WEIRD20 for 25% off. We're also brought to us by our friends at Better Help. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Getting to know yourself can be a lifelong process, especially when we're always growing and changing. Like before I went to therapy, I had no idea what codependency was. Which is funny to think back on how to end a relationship in a healthy way or to set up boundaries with my family or people I worked with. But that's what therapy is all about. Deepening your self awareness and understanding. Because sometimes we don't know what we want or why we react the way we do until we talk things through. BetterHelp connects you with a licensed therapist who can take you on that journey of self discovery from wherever you are. We're always saying on the show what a big difference talk therapy has made my life greater than the sum of its parts. It seems like it's just chatting, but it is so much more when you do it with a licensed therapist. The more you know about yourself, the more you can easily maneuver through life with less suffering, more clarity, relationships, grief, loss, anxiety, you name it. Talking about it with a professional helps. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. Don't wait. It's entirely online. Design can be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist. You can even switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Discover your potential with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com weirdo today for 10 off your first month. That's better. H E L P betterhelp.com weirdo Support your life, support the show. All right, let's get back to Caroline. What were you saying?

[Caroline Rhea]

They said it was. I can't remember who it was. It was a philosopher from the 1700s.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

And. And they were very adamant about the fact that this is the real definition of happiness.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me.

[Caroline Rhea]

You can never aspire to personally be happy. Happiness is only when you want happiness for someone else. Either through your own art, you want to do it for the sake of sharing it, or you are more worried about someone else being happy. And that gives you that purpose. I love that. And once you have a child, you want them to be happy. There was the best thing I read in this book. That's what I always say.

[Pete Holmes]

I go, Dianetics.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. Terrifying. I didn't expect that ending.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a twist ending.

[Caroline Rhea]

My mother always gave everybody books for Christmas every year. And she would always go like this. Darling, you'll love it. And you'll cry. When Mary dies at the end, you won't see it coming. Every, every year she would walk through the lines like when people used to line up for movies and we'd be leaving the movie going. They were all killed at the End. It was such a shock. I go, mom, none of them have seen it. Well, they're gonna find out.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. She gives the Bible. Don't worry. He comes back, there's a sequel. Don't give up. With the old part, it picks up.

[Caroline Rhea]

The new part's not nearly as good.

[Pete Holmes]

But the old part, the good, that's called Judaism.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes. I studied Kabbalah for eight years. I identify as Kabbalah, Kabalish.

[Pete Holmes]

Go on.

[Caroline Rhea]

I can't remember what I was gonna say. Oh, I realized that I was reading this book and it changed my life. And then I thought, you know what, Caroline? That wasn't a book. That was an Instagram post. Be honest.

[Pete Holmes]

Was it?

[Caroline Rhea]

Of course. But I read all three. No one reads a whole book. But this book. Yeah, it was actually the Garden of Emunah, which is books that were written for Orthodox women. And I like reading everything. I feel like everyone is going to the same place and it's just like, gps. What accent do you want your directions in? Do you need a lot of holidays? You need a lot of guilt? Do you need a lot of what do you need to get to the exact same place that we're all going to have, like, a higher consciousness? So we're awake. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I love this. So what voice do you want on the gps?

[Caroline Rhea]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, that just has. To me, that rings is divine truth. It's like, it sounds like something you'd have a vision quest, and they'd be like, they're all going the same place. It's just like, what music do you want on the radio?

[Caroline Rhea]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

What's good? Exactly?

[Pete Holmes]

What helps? What helps?

[Caroline Rhea]

So this book, of all the things, there was like a series of seven, and there was only one part at the end when I. When it suggested that I wouldn't have female friends, I was like, okay, I'm not good with this part of the book. But otherwise, it's all just like. If you're taking extracting. Even in the Bible, like, whatever it is, you're. What's the big message? It's not literal. Like, what's the. What's the good part? Yeah, and it says, never stop being in awe of your children. And it so resonated with me because I am. No matter how mad or. I mean, obviously we're just training them to be good humans. That's our job. And so when there are very few no's, if all the yeses get done, like, I'm not. I'm. Do you parent. One would ask a question if you were not the kind of host that shut that stuff down.

[Pete Holmes]

But no, no, no.

[Caroline Rhea]

Are you like your mother and father, or are you 180 degrees or 360 or whatever?

[Pete Holmes]

I think you want to do 180.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, I think it's 180. 360 would be exactly like. 180 would be opposite.

[Pete Holmes]

360 is exactly alike. But you went on a little dance, you did a little twirl, but you ended up the same place.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I think we're 180. And I think even my parents would agree with that. My mom says stuff like that. She's like, I was never that way with you.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, like, I'll be doting or. Or really locking into Leela, really.

[Caroline Rhea]

Like, I know all that attention and figuring it out. I.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, they say the father's gaze, the like. You know what I mean? I like to look at. This is very sappy, I guess, but, like, I just like when Leela catches me just looking at her and smiling.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Caroline Rhea]

That's really funny.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the base coat.

[Caroline Rhea]

Because I will look at Ava, and I will be driving. I'll be driving her to school, and I'll say, honey, you're so pretty. And she'll say. She'll go, thanks, Mommy. Because she likes words of affirmation.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

As an Aries, I'm like, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, not your love, Lang.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, no, not my lovely. And. And then I'll say, I love your hair. And then she'll go creep. Like, just turns. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, I drove her to school and I said, she goes like this. When we get to school, she was so serious. Do not roll down the window and stick your giant head out the window and scream that you love me in front of the entire school again. And all I heard was, giant. My head is giant. When did that happen?

[Pete Holmes]

All comedians have giant heads.

[Caroline Rhea]

I had no idea until I dropped her at school and she got out of the car. I didn't even know I'd done it. And I. I had to maneuver it. I was, like, very self conscious of the head size at this point. And I'm like, I go, I love you. And then she was like a vampire in, you know, vampire dire. She was here. And she just goes like this. Did you have a stroke? Serious? God.

[Pete Holmes]

She goes, ass.

[Caroline Rhea]

She goes, seriously, what's wrong with you?

[Pete Holmes]

I just told you.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And your giant head.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What's wrong with your giant ears? They can't hear me. You Got that giant brain. Can't remember it. Got that giant mouth. Can't keep it shut. That is good stuff.

[Caroline Rhea]

Thanks for the 8 tags. I'm glad I came.

[Pete Holmes]

There you go. It's free. That's so. That's too cocky. It's free. You can have those.

[Caroline Rhea]

What time is it?

[Pete Holmes]

We gotta go.

[Caroline Rhea]

We do?

[Pete Holmes]

Do you? We have an hour.

[Caroline Rhea]

Text her and tell her what?

[Pete Holmes]

Do you. You.

[Caroline Rhea]

Then I will be slightly late.

[Pete Holmes]

You book something after this.

[Caroline Rhea]

My daughter.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I think she deserves a little comeuppance. You know what I mean? Tell her your giant head's gonna be a little late. Leela.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, you said Leela 55 times. How did I not?

[Pete Holmes]

Did you? Did I? You only have an hour. We have to wrap this up.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, no, I'll just tell my daughter. I. We. We were told it was 20 minutes, so I thought I was being a windbag.

[Pete Holmes]

Look at my face. Look at all the information on my face. There's so much information on my face right now.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm not leaving.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, you can. There are some episodes that you're like, we banged it out. It's wonderful. So you can leave anytime.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, no, I don't want to leave. I just want my daughter not to be upset with me.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think that's possible. Oh, jk.

[Caroline Rhea]

Valid, Valid.

[Pete Holmes]

I wanted to tell you this, but I want to also concede that I know that we're at the beginning and she's only five, but there was a moment where Lila was playing with another little girl, and the little girl did something wrong, whatever it was, and I forget. I think she was like, objectively or.

[Caroline Rhea]

Subjectively, she actually did something wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, not a big wrong, but, like, something broke her, and she's like, oh, no, I'm gonna be in trouble. And Leela went, we don't do trouble in my house. And I was like, 180, baby. 180. And I'm saying, like, I know we.

[Caroline Rhea]

Had a really bad one.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me.

[Caroline Rhea]

We didn't have time out. We had time in. She had to sit on my lap as I hugged her. And I asked her, how could we have done that a different way?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you know that a 20 second hug releases endorphins. There are all these things. It's incredible. Go ahead. Oh, God.

[Caroline Rhea]

All right, tell her I'll text her dad.

[Pete Holmes]

Lisa, it's the first text you've ever sent her. Like, a movie. You ever notice that in the movie when they text somebody, it's the first time they've ever Texted. Because it would be too confusing if you saw unrelated storylines. What do you mean you're gonna be late? The tire's flat. But then it's a new date.

[Caroline Rhea]

Do you love Brian Darcy James?

[Pete Holmes]

Who? Oh, Brian D'Arcy James. I just didn't hear you. Oh, love Brian Darcy James. Yeah. You're all up. See, I shot that on Redford. That's the bowling show and Julie White. It was such a happy time, it turns out.

[Caroline Rhea]

And bowling is, like, such a massive love. Besides the fact that it's funny, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I really missed that show. It was a really. Katie Lowes, who played my wife, was. Is still a dear friend of mine. Julie White is somewhere smoking a cigar with Bill Murray. We're not in touch anymore. Not. Not out of. I'm not, like, hurt by that, but I stay in touch with Katie. Do you know Katie? She was. She is great.

[Caroline Rhea]

But I had such a crush on Brian Darcy James always.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Everybody was telling me what a big deal he was to me because of the context. He was just a producer on a show. But they're like, you don't understand. And I don't. I still don't understand, other than I love him.

[Caroline Rhea]

Let your daughter listen to the soundtrack of Shrek.

[Pete Holmes]

Who is he in Shrek?

[Caroline Rhea]

Shrek on Broadway.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay. It's like, no, Mike Myers.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you have a Mike Myers story? What's your Robin Williams story? You sat next to him in Whoopi. Oh, I just love him on the Hollywood Squares.

[Caroline Rhea]

He was just always. What was I gonna say? He was so super sweet. The reason he came on my talk show when, you know, at the beginning. Help. Yeah. Nobody goes on baby talk shows. They're all mean. And he came on. He was so sweet. And then he came on as a favor, they had Chris Bode come on, and they said, if you could let Chris come on, then Robin will come on.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Caroline Rhea]

And then Chris ended up being my, like, musical guy on the show. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Just an avalanche.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know what we would do Hollywood Squares, and everybody would be having their fancy Spago lunches, and it would be so much fun. And Robin would be on the phone with people in the hospital.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't see. That's what Bobcat Goldthwaite taught me. I do. And he's like, really? A Robin impression is he goes, that's beautiful. That's beautiful.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's that Robin.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, he was.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Caroline Rhea]

Deep.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Caroline Rhea]

Remember the last time I saw him, though? He really looked so sad. All his Light was not gone. You know what I mean? He just. Well, that. He was. We were backstage at a Broadway show, and he was like, hey, how are you? And I was like, normally it would be a big.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, there's a real pain. I just did something with somebody who's brilliant, and I could see that they weren't feeling it that day. And it's just so sad. No matter. Obviously, Robin had an illness, like a mental something.

[Caroline Rhea]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. I forget what it was called, but it just. It bums me out. I like. I like summertime. And when you see somebody in a winter and they just can't find their own juice.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it reminds me of how I sometimes feel that way. And you're just kind of like, I feel that.

[Caroline Rhea]

Do you get the dark side of being an Aries?

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes I do, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

There's sunny areas and dark areas. There's some that are really like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

But you're drawn to the sunny. We're also children. Right. We're the first. That's why having a child is so fulfilling, because you get to be a kid with them again. Like, I was down. I mean, playing 20. I took off 10 years whenever it was born.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

I was like, I'm not going to. I'm not going to a comedy club. I'm not going to do anything to miss this.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. That's amazing.

[Caroline Rhea]

And now. And she still. She doesn't even like it now when I leave. They don't like it when you leave.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, my daughter makes that pretty clear.

[Caroline Rhea]

Do you want to have another baby?

[Pete Holmes]

I. I don't think so.

[Caroline Rhea]

No. Just the one.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you have the one?

[Caroline Rhea]

I just have one.

[Pete Holmes]

How did that go?

[Caroline Rhea]

Well, my. Mine was. She's a total miracle. My. My dad died, and then the next month, I got pregnant at 43.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no.

[Caroline Rhea]

Like, it was a miracle that they'd all told me I had no chance of getting pregnant. I'd been pregnant and had miscarriages, but not.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. So.

[Pete Holmes]

So your dad passes, and right away you get pregnant.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Caroline Rhea]

And he was an obgyn, so I was like, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, well, now he can't do it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. No, gross.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't deliver the baby.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, God. I'm gonna be physically ill. I.

[Pete Holmes]

That was the plan. Just for the discount.

[Caroline Rhea]

My father was an obstetrician, gynecologist, and a really big Star wars fan, so he loved it if he called him obgynobi.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Caroline Rhea]

So I think I wrote that joke. In 1990, someone stole it and put it on a T shirt. I've done it on Conan 25 times. I would do it every time.

[Pete Holmes]

Stolen.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Brutal.

[Caroline Rhea]

Brutal. It's so specific.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. C3 Pete Holmes. I didn't write it, but we made a T shirt. We got a cease and desist. Like, they were using the Force. Caroline. How did they know right away? Immediate. If you have a C3 Pete Homes T shirt, you're like one of the 12. And then George Lucas personally shut it down with a lightsaber. It was rough. Val has one. It makes me happy.

[Caroline Rhea]

Three Pete Homes shut down.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just C3PO with my head. Come on. We can't do that. But you can make the prequels. I'm just kidding. I don't know. There's probably some worse Star wars thing since then. There's too many.

[Caroline Rhea]

I want to do a TV show with you. And it's just our cameras. But then.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

Mug and turn.

[Pete Holmes]

A mug and turn. Nothing wrong with.

[Caroline Rhea]

Nothing wrong with the mug and turn. That's where I went to college.

[Pete Holmes]

Mug and turn was you did your daughter. Seeing as we're thinking about having just the one. Did your daughter. Well, I get a lot of intel. I get. I've done a lot of surveys.

[Caroline Rhea]

I used to make people come over. Always had friends over. Always made them take their toys.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

So that she would learn. And sharing was, like, forced down her throat because she didn't have to.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm the youngest of three girls, and then in the summer, since she was born, we spend the summer with my entire family. See, this is it.

[Pete Holmes]

We've heard this.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's summer. It's summer. Siblings. That's what we call it.

[Pete Holmes]

Cousins. She's so tight with her cousins.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's what you need.

[Pete Holmes]

We keep the play dates going.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's her birthday.

[Pete Holmes]

She's. Oh, God. September 23rd.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, she's a Libra. Like Ava.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

I mean, don't expect her to finish any sentences ever, but they're lovely. There's a lot of good starting.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I just say, on the way down, we were blasting Katy Perry and Roar. And we were like, both mom and I, we're dancing and clapping and we kiss, and I'm just like. I just love that. My daughter.

[Caroline Rhea]

Happiness.

[Pete Holmes]

Happiness. We played it. So I'm not bragging. I'm saying, like, do this if your parents do. It was so much more valuable than saying, like, you gotta live a happy life. It's like, let's turn up the radio. And dance, and it changes your state. It made it so happy and ready to see you. You know what I mean?

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, God, yes. Oh, God. We listen to Katy Perry roar so many times.

[Pete Holmes]

Me, too. We played it twice in a row.

[Caroline Rhea]

I think she does. She doesn't have parents that are together, but she has happiness.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that.

[Caroline Rhea]

And she has a lot. I mean, the number of times she's standing at the door and I'm dancing with a friend in the kitchen, and she goes, mom, we have to go.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm like, look, this is better than.

[Pete Holmes]

You're right.

[Caroline Rhea]

I think having a funny parent's a gift. Sorry. Please tell her my dad is coming to get. Get me, and she's not taking me. Oh, at what time?

[Pete Holmes]

I like that you weren't even affected by that.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, I'm. I'm internal. Internalizing. I just knew that she would do that.

[Pete Holmes]

She said, dad's going to get me and you're not taking me. Well, you could. You could have just said, dad's going to get me and you're not taking me.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, that's the part that she knows. Well, she said now. Okay. All right, here we are.

[Pete Holmes]

Say we blame a Lithuanian oaf.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm gonna tell you a cool story.

[Pete Holmes]

20 minutes.

[Caroline Rhea]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

Katie was on those emails. There's a whole spiel. Please allow two hours. Please note, we record audio and video. Easy street parking. Please text me when you arrive.

[Caroline Rhea]

Wait, we got 20 minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

20. I want your reps to email me a list of podcasts that are 20 minutes.

[Caroline Rhea]

I know. I thought that was weird. I thought you had, like, three guests.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not an episode of Bluey. It's a podcast. You.

[Caroline Rhea]

How could anyone have said that? In anger, in a floppy way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's a podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a podcast.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's a podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not Bridgerton.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's a podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Unfurl it. You seem like a lady who's seen a ghost. Oh, my God.

[Caroline Rhea]

We grew up with ghosts. Did I tell you that?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Caroline Rhea]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I guess I am intuitive. But you do have this lady seen a ghost energy. Like, you definitely. Like, if I had to just.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm sure I don't have this lady's been ghosted energy.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe a little of that.

[Caroline Rhea]

I was ghosted by a man in his 70s. Hopefully. I thought he was so old. If you were mistaken, he died and became a ghost. I went to all three. I did. One, two, and back.

[Pete Holmes]

You're so funny. But if I. My riff was, if I went to the police, I'D say she has blonde hair, she looks like she's seen a ghost. They'd find you in 20 minutes or one podcast episode. One standard podcast episode.

[Caroline Rhea]

Did you see a man that came in that looked like a very well developed adult 7 year old?

[Pete Holmes]

What ghosts did you grow? Which ones?

[Caroline Rhea]

Which ones? Well, we grew up Mr. What was his name?

[Pete Holmes]

You knew his name?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What he wrote in the fog in the bathroom mirror.

[Caroline Rhea]

In script. Cursive, we called it Script.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Caroline Rhea]

Cursive is so American. Cursive.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, Canada. Go take one of your free prescription drugs and get over it. I'm roasting you. Sorry, sorry, Canada, that was a bit rough. Why don't you go get some free therapy?

[Caroline Rhea]

I am doing a TV series myself. And one of them, one of the episodes, a man gives me his card and he says, the best shrink in LA on it. And I can't. I don't know if it's a date or that I'm so insane that someone solicits it like, you clearly need therapy.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, he get like, you're like, what? What is this?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, you can't tell date or not tape.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. The only thing worse would be like a, like a personal fitness guru or something.

[Caroline Rhea]

And you're like, unsolicited weight loss gift.

[Pete Holmes]

Those people can't know. If people know that, they're flirting with them. Did that make sense?

[Caroline Rhea]

Uh huh.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. So what was this ghost you lived with?

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm trying to remember what his last name was.

[Pete Holmes]

Economopoulos.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, no. Oh. I just want you to know that Ava's gonna be so mad at me right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Is there a way to save it? If you left right now, would you save it?

[Caroline Rhea]

No. You know, I'm gonna tell you something and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you're handsome.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thank you. I thought you're gonna say you look like John Ritter.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's what I said to you when I met you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Caroline Rhea]

I accosted you in Montreal. I was like, oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it in the lobby.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Of the. Whatever that is.

[Caroline Rhea]

Whatever the. I'm never doing another festival since you cleared it all up.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's a bit of a. That's an issue there too. And then you know what you do.

[Caroline Rhea]

Because you're never special.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a festival orgy and then you make young people go for broke. Like try to get their big break while everybody's watching all the other great comedians in the world. It's like, go watch John Mulaney. Then watch a showcase of 10 unknowns. Like, what the fuck is this? Look at what they make us do.

[Caroline Rhea]

Who was the first person that you saw and you thought, I want to do that? Johnny Carson, Bill Cosby.

[Pete Holmes]

Bill. Cars were. That's how you have to say it. Because my parents took me to see him, and I was like, what? Now I know my parents are just sort of like. I don't know how to say this without being mean, but they're just kind of like, what do people do? You know what I mean? It's not like they loved comedy or loved Paul McCartney, but they're like, Paul McCartney is at the Fenway Park. And they just go. They're not crying or singing along, but they're like, we are human. Indeed we are one of you. Like, that's what. That's the currency they get from it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Are both of your parents giants?

[Pete Holmes]

No, my mom's a little lady. Oh, yeah. But that's really a good. My dad. But they took me to see Cosby, but it wasn't like they loved Cosby. I think it was like, this is what. Like, they're eating forks and chewing on flowers. They're out of place. But we went and saw Cosby, and it was just so powerful that they validated comedy. They legitimized it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And we read the funnies. That's what we called the comics in the morning. And my mom loves jokes. My dad loves jokes.

[Caroline Rhea]

My parents to listen to albums of Billy Connolly.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. They would sit around and listen to albums. Comedy albums.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know what's crazy? So this is Steve Martin.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a Steve Martin album.

[Caroline Rhea]

There's a Steve Martin album over there.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. He was probably my first big, giant influence I had. I was with my best friend Amanda. We were staying alone for the weekend, and we were given $80 to take care of ourselves for the weekend in Stowe, Vermont. And we went and bought cone heads and arrows through her head with all the money. And then we took our picture three on a tripod and peed in our pants. We were laughing so hard. We thought that was great.

[Pete Holmes]

You watched them, huh? You went to the show?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't blow your ticket?

[Caroline Rhea]

No, no, no, no. We didn't watch that. No, we. No, that's it.

[Pete Holmes]

Props.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, we bought props.

[Pete Holmes]

Instead of going to the show, we.

[Caroline Rhea]

Were in Stowe, Vermont. It wasn't live from New York. It's still Vermont. That's not what the S is for.

[Pete Holmes]

Parts of that just slipped through Me? I just. Everybody get your maple syrup ready and vote conservative. I don't know. I don't know.

[Caroline Rhea]

You're kidding. Vermont. Bernie.

[Pete Holmes]

I blew it.

[Caroline Rhea]

You blew it.

[Pete Holmes]

I blew the riff.

[Caroline Rhea]

Vote independent and vote independent.

[Pete Holmes]

Do it again. Get your maple syrup ready and vote independent. And get ready to cross country ski. Not for exercise. Just to go to the store.

[Caroline Rhea]

Throw away all of your deodorant.

[Pete Holmes]

Go on. So you love Steve Martin. Steve Martin was huge for me too. You're. You're helping me remember that in church they played the Bill Cosby Noah from one of the albums. They played the Noah routine. Oh. And I was just like. Oh, my God.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's like I opened for him.

[Pete Holmes]

You did.

[Caroline Rhea]

At the Ford. Like every employee party. It was in Las Vegas. So as many employees that there are for the Ford motorcycle. I feel like it was 40,000 people.

[Pete Holmes]

40?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. Is it not?

[Pete Holmes]

I just said 40. Like Ford.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh. Oh, wow. 40. Okay. I'm sorry. Dentist. Who's 230.

[Pete Holmes]

Go on.

[Caroline Rhea]

And I've never seen anybody control an audience like 40,000 people. Where I was like, what do you think of me? What do you think of me? What do you like? Exhausting. And being super. React. And he really was.

[Pete Holmes]

Was he nice to you?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. It was a very brief interaction. Hello.

[Pete Holmes]

Just remember, it's just one big audience.

[Caroline Rhea]

Caroline.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you're gonna be disappointed in about 20 years. He knows. Enjoy me now.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay. Do you want to hear my Steve Martin story?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Caroline Rhea]

I love Steve Martin. Love. So. And. And this. If. If it doesn't understand. Like, if he comes to. If he's a big one of your listeners. I don't know if he's one of the four that.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's writing a play on a typewriter with this in the background. This is really distracting. This isn't good work. Music.

[Caroline Rhea]

I was at the HBO Comedy Festival.

[Pete Holmes]

Aspen.

[Caroline Rhea]

Aspen. Many years ago. Before your time.

[Pete Holmes]

It ended right when I was about to do those things.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm class of 89. What are you.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean? Like, that's when I started 2001. I would say.

[Caroline Rhea]

Are you really? You're that much of a baby? Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. One of those babies. But that means I've been doing it 23 years.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes. And that's still a baby.

[Pete Holmes]

So my comedy can drink it. Can't yet. Rent a car.

[Caroline Rhea]

Mine is a broken hip.

[Pete Holmes]

And then a sip. To accent. So you're Steve Martin.

[Caroline Rhea]

So you're in Aspen and I go up to Steve Martin because we couldn't because of the weather. We Couldn't fly out of Aspen. The HBO jet, which they brought us all on. And so I go up to Steve Martin, who I've literally loved, endured my whole life, and I say, I just wanted to tell you because I knew we're on the same flight. I said, the flight got canceled, so we're gonna have to go. They're gonna drive us to Rifle. And he goes, oh, oh, thanks. Oh, do you work for the airline? And I was like, yeah, I just couldn't. I was like, no. And then I went up to him and I told him, I said, we're actually going to take. There's a bus and they're going to take us to Rifle. And then this was within an hour. He said, oh, do you work for the bus company? I was like, what's wrong? What now? So then we're sitting on the bus and I guess. I don't know, I was invisible at the time. And then he couldn't really see me. And then I'm sitting in a single seat and Martin Short and his then lovely wife are sitting here at like, a little table, and Steve and a friend. But we're this close. We're this close. It's a tiny. It's a private jet.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

And it's like they'd gone like, I'm like. And they're laughing a little bit, being like.

[Pete Holmes]

So at one point, a shrimp goes flying and it bounces on the invisible. No, it can't even penetrate.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, it's right here. Luckily, the Plexiglas bent out and he. That reminds me, when I was a cater waiter, that was the most disgusting thing. People would always go like this. They double dip the shrimp, which are so repulsive. They would take the shrimp, put it in the sauce, put it in again, and then. And then suck it. And then with that little tail, they would always go, can I give you this? And I go, yes, I'm making a necklace. Thank you. And they always went, you are. Does anyone realize I'm being.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you work for the bus company?

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay, so they're on the plane. Ignore me. Never acknowledge me in any way. No, I'm literally like this. And I'm like, like, don't even look. I'm like, staring straight ahead. We get to the tarmac, which is private, and I see a sign for Steve Martin. And I. Stupid and relentless. And I just said to him, I go. I go, oh, your. Your limousine is over there. And he goes, oh, oh, do you work for the limousine company? And I'm like, are you fucking with Me or what? But he wasn't.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what I've wanted to know this whole time. It wasn't a bit.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, no. Okay, wait. So how many years go by? 8 to 10. 8 to 10 years go by. And my. No, it's not that long. It's like 2000. And whenever Bowfinger came out.

[Pete Holmes]

Bo Flex.

[Caroline Rhea]

Bowfinger, hilarious movie that he's in.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

With Eddie Murphy.

[Pete Holmes]

Eddie Murphy.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. Hilarious.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

So I. The person. There's a dog in Bowfinger who's hilarious. And that animal trainer, Kathy Pittman, trained the cats and all the animals on Sabrina. So she said, would you walk the dog through the press line for Bowfinger? And I'm so freaking Canadian. I said, yes. Now, I don't know if you've ever had this horrible experience where I can't remember what the dog's name is. Like, let's say Ginger. Have you ever. Have you ever done this to your wife where, like, you're. They're like, pete. And what's your wife's name?

[Pete Holmes]

Val.

[Caroline Rhea]

Pete and Val. Pete. Val. Just Pete. Just as if you're supposed to turn to your wave.

[Pete Holmes]

Just paid. Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know, just.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

And then. Yeah. And then you're like, just me. It's so rude.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

Anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's so hard on my arms, pushing her.

[Caroline Rhea]

I know. You don't get enough propulsion.

[Pete Holmes]

It's hard to get a good heave when she's that close to me. But my trick is I bend my knees and I get low on her to give her a little hop as I push her out of the shot.

[Caroline Rhea]

I love you. That was it. When I have to look back at the memory book, that's when I fell in love with him right then and there.

[Pete Holmes]

The worst part is just pushing her far enough and fast enough.

[Caroline Rhea]

Fell. Now everyone just. Okay, so we go to this premiere. I don't know why I agree to take the dog because it was right before I was going to do the talk show. And I was like, okay, it's press. So I'm walking Ginger through the press line if this. And I hear just Ginger. And I'm like, oh, my God. So I'm literally. Because she's on a leash and I'm extending, like, out like this. Like, I can't drop the leash.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, okay, we'll Photoshop the hag's arm out. I'm right here. That repugnant hand won't be in the shot, I assure you.

[Caroline Rhea]

The witch talons must be AI'd out.

[Pete Holmes]

Someone puts A napkin over your hand there. Okay, Just ginger.

[Caroline Rhea]

Steve Martin. I gotta look up that dog's name. Steve Martin comes up to me and I'm like. And he goes, are you the dog trainer? That dog was so well behaved. And I'm. No, I'm not the dog trainer. This is like. I really. I couldn't believe it. The worst place that you can sit in a premiere and they talk about it in Bowfinger is the very front row. If they put you in the front row and they're all in the front row in Bowfinger at the premiere of their movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, the worst place to sit, it's in the front row next to a dog. That's where I sat, next to a dog in the front row of the Bowfinger premiere after Steve Martin asked me if I was the dog trainer. Okay, cut to wait.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Caroline Rhea]

George Carlin's funeral. And Kostaki and I walk in, and it's Louis is doing the. One of the eulogies.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's the U, E, C, K eulogy.

[Caroline Rhea]

CK oh, God, it's like looking in a mirror. It's awful. And.

[Pete Holmes]

He'S doing the eulogy. CK it was worth stepping out.

[Caroline Rhea]

It was perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, thank you.

[Caroline Rhea]

You Louis? Gck Yeah. Okay, so it's Ben Stiller and his wife Christine. I think Louis, and then I think Alec bald. No, Alec wasn't there. And then it was Steve Martin and his wife. And Kostaki says I go, first of all. You know, he's gonna ask me if I'm a pallbearer. So I can't. I can't even go near him. So I.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you drive the hearse? Are you with the Hearst Company?

[Caroline Rhea]

Kazaki says, introduce me to Steve Martin because I say hi to Bruce. Bruce. I say hi to Ben Stiller and his wife and whoever they're. I know them. And then I. And I'm like, oh, God. He goes, can you please introduce me? Introduce me Steve Martin. I go, I am not talking to Steve Martin. Are you insane? He never, ever, ever. He thinks I'm like the man with a Hundred jobs. No.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Caroline Rhea]

So.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it's that dog trainer. Pilot. Bus lady. Oh, the bus pilot. He remembers, but he can't remember. But he does remember everything that he remembered wrong. Oh, it's the woman from the bus company and the plane company and the dog trainer. I haven't seen you since 1998 at the Bowfinger premiere.

[Caroline Rhea]

It was right after he and Alec had hosted the Oscars. Right? So he's sitting in front of me and he turns around. Now you're me. And he turns around and he goes, caroline, hi. How are you? And I go, like this. Like. And he. He goes, like this, Steve. Steve Martin. And I go, you look so familiar, but I cannot place you. It's driving me crazy. And he goes. I go, I just saw you on something with my really good friend Alec Baldwin. What was it? He goes, well, we did the Oscar. They go, that's it. You were the person with Alec at the Oscars. And. And my boyfriend's like this. I've never done anything like this in my entire life. Okay. The rest of the entire funeral, Steve Martin couldn't stop talking to me.

[Pete Holmes]

You did it. You negged him.

[Caroline Rhea]

I negged him.

[Pete Holmes]

You negged Steve Martin.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And it worked.

[Caroline Rhea]

Like, at one point, Kelly Carlin was saying, well, as my father knew, all comedians are crazy. And Steve turned around and looked at me and goes, we're not crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

He.

[Caroline Rhea]

I mean, there were other times that I met him too, and he still. I just didn't register like he was connecting with me. And I was like, this is weird. So 20 cut to 20 years later and. And I love Steve Martin. I really do. I. I is amazing, my friend. I was. We both collect Martin Mull paintings.

[Pete Holmes]

Back to your teacup problem?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes. Oh, it's all.

[Pete Holmes]

It's all in the mix. Yeah, go on, Martin.

[Caroline Rhea]

People who collect are just people who have a little bit more money than hoarders. But it's the same gene.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. So that's a Robin Williams joke.

[Caroline Rhea]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

It reminds me. He goes, cocaine is a way of God telling you you have too much money. Isn't that good?

[Caroline Rhea]

I was like, it's not the same.

[Pete Holmes]

Joke, but, yeah, it's like collecting is a way of God saying you have too much money.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not even similar, but welcome to my brain. There it was, just for a whisper.

[Caroline Rhea]

In 1989 at Stand Up, New York. That's when I first saw Robin Williams. He came on stage and he was talking about how one day we'll be. We'll be paying for water and how ridiculous that is. And then he went downstairs and he left the bathroom, but his fly was down. And I said, your. Your fly is down. Like that. I was intimidated. And he goes, thanks, man. And I was like, he thinks I'm a man.

[Pete Holmes]

Only a man would know the humiliation of a down Z. XYZ Examiner. Thank you, sir. Thank you, my good man.

[Caroline Rhea]

I would like one of you in my age, please. You got it.

[Pete Holmes]

You write what I'm going for every episode. I did it. We did it. Can I get you in a.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay. So Steve Martin, I. My friend is friends with him. And I said, steve, it's the largest collector of Martin Mulle paintings and also the largest. He has. He has cataloged every American artist that there is, Every single one. And he has the largest collection of Aboriginal art, which is so beautiful. He's. He's really very knowledgeable about art.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

So I said, do you think I could get a hold of him? I want to ask him about this Martin Mull painting because it's really beautiful. And I wanted to. Anyway, I want to know about it. And so he said, sure. And so he emailed me, and. And then he said, do you want to get on the phone? And then he said, caroline, I'm not sure that we've ever met, but I'm a big fan of your work. And I said, I think we've met. Yeah, I think we've met. But he's so gracious and kind to me and helps me with art now. And I'm not saying it's just. It was funny that there were so.

[Pete Holmes]

Many times you need to neg him again. That man needs a fresh negging when he comes over.

[Caroline Rhea]

Why do humans do that? Why?

[Pete Holmes]

Why? But it is specifically comedian, too. Like, I get real if I think I've offended somebody. Yeah, I'll be. I used to be worse.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, Mark Marin sort of famously doesn't like me. And I used to go real hard to try and get him to like me. I don't do it anymore. Now I walk into the green room of the Comedy Store, if he's on the bill, and I have five roast jokes in my back pocket, I'm ready. And I haven't had to use him because he's mellowed a little bit.

[Caroline Rhea]

I don't like that. He famously doesn't like you.

[Pete Holmes]

Me neither.

[Caroline Rhea]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

What am I doing?

[Caroline Rhea]

What have you ever done to me?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, last time I saw him, I was like, mark, I'm not 28 anymore. I said that to him, and that was a nice little moment. It was like facing Freddy Krueger. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm not afraid of you.

[Caroline Rhea]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Not a kid anymore. I know who you're making fun of, but that guy's gone. He's gone. And, you know, that's my wound. See me.

[Caroline Rhea]

See me today.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're gonna make fun of me, at least make fun of me for how I am today.

[Caroline Rhea]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Not the kid. You knew?

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm pretty sure that would be rooted in jealousy.

[Pete Holmes]

What I said, no, when he's.

[Caroline Rhea]

His feelings towards you would be jealousy.

[Pete Holmes]

My family is always like that. I. But I. I'm kind of like that, too. I go, like, that might be some jealousy there.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's not nice. I don't like that he's not nice to you.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. I have a new ally. What if I email you in six years? I don't know if we've ever met. Wouldn't that be sad?

[Caroline Rhea]

Well, if I don't remember things in six years, very sad.

[Pete Holmes]

I wouldn't want to meet Steve Martin because he means so much to me. In fact, his child went to a camp, a summer camp that Leila also went to. And we didn't. I didn't say anything to him because I was like, it's too. I've realized a lot of times.

[Caroline Rhea]

What do you mean you met him?

[Pete Holmes]

I walked behind him, but all we remember was his kid said something to him, and Steve went, pardon. And I was like, that is precious to a child. Pardon me. But he wasn't saying, like, I beg your pardon, like, he was just saying pardon, because what is what, you know.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know what I dig about him? He's a total artist.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

Full package, full pack. Well, I don't know if it's a full pack, but I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, he has medium dick energy. Nobody's putting an arrow on his head if he's got a schlong. You know what I'm saying? You're going up there being like, look at this, look at this, look at this. Don't look down there. Look at this. Medium dick energy. I'm just doing Robin.

[Caroline Rhea]

I was like. I was like, but he sounds like Robin.

[Pete Holmes]

Robin. No, I'm not gonna talk about Robin's weiner. Although I don't hate when people do this with dead people. They go, but he would have loved it. You say something horrible and you go, that's exactly the kind of joke he would have loved. And it's like, no, he hated you.

[Caroline Rhea]

He would have hated you.

[Pete Holmes]

And that joke, in death, he still thinks you're mediocre fun. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Living Libations. For years, our household has been a Living Libations household. What does that mean? We got rid of all of the random chemical nightmares in our skin care, in our body care, mouth care, wash, whatever you need. If you're putting on moisturizer, if you're putting on deodorant, if you're putting on anything for your body, look at those ingredients and ask yourself, do I feel good about any of this baby care sunblock? Well, enter Living Libations. They are here to help. We're talking about incredibly high end, effective, badass products that work incredibly well and have natural ingredients that you can read and pronounce and feel good about. Because be honest, what you put on your body ends up in your body. So if you're careful about what you eat. I try to be careful about what I eat. Now we are also careful about what we put on our body because it ends up in our body. We use their best skin ever moisturizer every single day. In fact, I just put it on. We use their baby products, we use their love the sun, sunblock, which is an actually natural sunblock. Living Libations is a great way to support the show. You don't have to get something big. They have little things, they have big things. But if you want to take one product and replace it slowly in your medicine cabinet, better your life and support the show. Living Libations has got you covered. Stop getting the random blue goos that they sell at 7:11. You shouldn't be shaving with that. Get their Zen Shave cream. I love their zen shave cream. Okay, 15% off. Go to livinglibations.com weird that's 15 off@living libations.com weird. We're also brought to us by our friends at first person. I'm sorry. Super excited to tell you about Golden Hour. It is a blend of organic mushrooms as well as a highly curated blend of nutraceuticals that boosts your oxytocin. Golden Hour is a lifesaver. It is absolutely a must have for both me and Val. Val just went through a tough weekend. She brought a ton of Golden Hour with her and she said it carried her through. You take it within about 15 minutes, you just feel a sense of joy, connection and relaxed presence. I noticed the difference the first time I took it and the effect has built over time. I stack all three of the first person supplements. Golden Hour is my favorite. My second favorite is Sunbeam, which supports the body's natural production of dopamine. So Golden Hour boosts oxytocin, that feel good hormone. Dopamine is the motivating hormone. So we're getting that into our body to get work done. If I'm sitting down to rip through some emails, I take some sunbeam for 15 minutes beforehand. And every night before bed I take moonlight, which helps me sleep by activating the GABA neurotransmitter to relax the central nervous system. Check out their website. It's grain free, it's organic, it's nutraceuticals. It is a game changer. Start supporting your brain health and your cognition with first person. Get 20% off your first order by going to getfirstperson.com and use code Weird. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. All right, everybody, back to Caroline. Tell me about the ghosts, then we'll go.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, I'm going to say, oh, it's going to look for something. Oh, I can't remember his name. Mr. Crawford? Mr. No, he. It was a. I saw him at the foot of my bed. I was. He touched my toe. I was seven. I saw full ghost.

[Pete Holmes]

He touched your toe?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When you were seven?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. I think it's sort of like he was like, I want to scare you, but I don't want to scare you that badly.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's not.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm gonna touch the toe. And then I was like.

[Pete Holmes]

And you felt it?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, I saw it in person. I saw a ghost in. In Italy. They were all over the place at this haunted house that we. It was the most ridiculous house.

[Pete Holmes]

Probably a family of them. They're very close families.

[Caroline Rhea]

We used to joke, oh, you gonna.

[Pete Holmes]

Haunt this house with me or what? You'll never haunt with me anymore. That's the mother you say you'll haunt with me. You never hear, live with me. Kiss me on the lips.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's like you're not even dead.

[Pete Holmes]

What, am I alive to you? Am I out there going grocery shopping?

[Caroline Rhea]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Now it's Seinfeld. So Italy was lousy with ghosts?

[Caroline Rhea]

No. We rented this house. It was from, like the 1700s. And we get to this house, and that vibe was so ghosty. And I swear, like, every time I turn a person, I'm like, oh, there's a ghost. Oh, there's a ghost. And then we look.

[Pete Holmes]

Seeing a full ghost.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, full ghost.

[Pete Holmes]

I need one clarification. When you say it's a ghost, do you think it might be a person or you're just like. That's clear?

[Caroline Rhea]

No, they were totally dressed in, like, 1700 clothing. It's not see through.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry to be silly. But they were like.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, no, it was. It was like. It was like very faint animation. But they were real. I saw them. Yeah. Have you never seen one? Gosh, you've totally faked me out. Like it was normal.

[Pete Holmes]

But I've never seen a ghost. No, except everybody knows this because I asked people about ghosts.

[Caroline Rhea]

Not even of your sex life.

[Pete Holmes]

Am I right? A lot of moaning and chains in my sex life. That's ghosty. No, the ghost of my cat. Every time I don't sleep in my old bedroom anymore, but when I used to, when I go home to see my mother, I'd sleep in my old bed. And my cat consistently every morning jumps on the bed and curls up by me and like clockwork. And I always wake up before it happens and I'm like, I'm wide awake. If I just lay here, Clem will jump on the bed. And he does, and he curls up and I feel it and I look and there's nothing there. And it's. I don't know. I don't want to say there's that kind of person, but I'm not really that kind of person. Like, that's not sort of stuff happening all the time.

[Caroline Rhea]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It just happens there.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay. You want to hear my good ghost story?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's not really a ghost. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't wait.

[Caroline Rhea]

So when my mom died, broke my heart. Like, I literally cried for two years straight. And my daughter would, like, she'd hear me crying and she'd be like, it's okay, Mommy, Nana's here. Nana's here. It's okay. Like, she was so comforting and she. My mother. When I was in college, I had to take theater arts, which is ridiculous. It's basically like, if you're not going to make it as an actress, maybe you can be a prop person, which I would never be able to do. We had to build a clock. People built real working clocks. I had like a Camembert or brie pin cheese pinwheel, which I painted 10 to 2, like a Timex commercial from the 70s. And I did it, unlike the day before. And I, and my mother always thought that was so hilarious. I think I got like, I passed by one point and she, you know, she was like, oh, tell me, darling, about when you almost failed theater crafts. I love that story. So 10 to 2 was like our complete joke. We just thought. She just thought that was the funniest thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. It only went 10 to 2.

[Caroline Rhea]

Well, that in the 70s, every time X commercial was when they advertised the watches, it was at 10 to 2.

[Pete Holmes]

Always 10 minutes to 2 o'.

[Caroline Rhea]

Clock. Yeah. That was always the time on the watch. Right. So my mom thought was. Was totally hilarious.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

So my mom. I wore my mom's watch every Day after she died, and my daughter and I went on a vacation. It was the most boring adult place in the entire world. But it was funny because it was so posh. Ava. Because you think they could have, like, one water slide, Mummy. And at that particular hotel, I said, ava, God, you have to look right there. That is one of the most famous rock musicians in the entire world. And his wife was one of the most beautiful supermodels you've ever seen. Look at them. Look at them. Look at them. She goes, mommy, I can't. The very old couple is blocking them. I go, no, they are the very old couple. That's who they are. It's Keith Richards and Patty Hansen. Let's. Who are at this thing, okay? So this place was weird and posh, and I took off my watch at that place, and I lost it. I took it off to go swimming, and it was my mom's watch. I was totally devastated. Okay, So a year goes by, and Ava is with her grandmother at Easter, and she goes, mommy, I had it. I had a dream about Nana last night. She came to me in the dream. She came to me in my dream. And she goes. She told me to look in the suitcase. And I was like, oh, like, my daughter's totally. We grew up, all connect, like it was all normal. Anyway, she goes, and, mommy, I found Nana's watch. It was in the suitcase. It was a year later, she brings it back to me, and the watch.

[Pete Holmes]

Says, 10 to 2, shut everyone's fucking mouth twice. Shut it. And then shut it again. I need it shut. And then I need a photograph to prove that it's shut.

[Caroline Rhea]

And by the way, at that time, I was like, I'm not gonna be a comedian anymore. I'm an auctioneer. That's what I'm. I'm good at that. I don't want to do this anymore. And my mother was like, dumbass, you're really funny. That's what you're meant to do. That's what she told me. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

What? In real life. In life. I mean, in living time. She told you that? No, no, but with the message.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that story. How wild. But you lost at the pool.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought I lost at the pool. I obviously didn't. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's crazy.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

It is crazy. Have you ever almost died.

[Caroline Rhea]

On stage?

[Pete Holmes]

You could tell a good bomb.

[Caroline Rhea]

All right. This is my favorite show. Busy story.

[Pete Holmes]

Love it.

[Caroline Rhea]

I opened for Don Rickles. It was me, Alonzo and Adam Hills.

[Pete Holmes]

It was me, a Jew and a fat broad. Like you have to say it in his terms. It's me, a native American.

[Caroline Rhea]

We all walked into the club, so it's. Yeah, Alonzo and Adam Hills and I. And the only reason they had us open was because it was hard for him at that point to do two hours. He just did one hour. And he was sitting at the time because he'd had the horrible flesh eating disease that he got.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know that.

[Caroline Rhea]

Anyway, I loved Don Rickles. So after the first night, I was literally sitting at his feet. Like, tell me every story that's ever happened to you. Anything. I just want to learn, I just want to hear. I just talk about anything. And then.

[Pete Holmes]

Did he love it?

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, he was so sweet. I loved him. And I know his daughter Mindy. He was always like, help Mindy. So on the second show, the second night I did the show and of course I come into his room after the show and he sees me out of the corner of his eye and he goes, the girl was weak.

[Pete Holmes]

The girl was weak.

[Caroline Rhea]

The girl was thinking, oh, blondie, come in. I didn't see you. Oh. I was like, oh, that was so good.

[Pete Holmes]

That is excellent. Truly excellent. But you've never almost died, like physically.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

When, when I was 22, I went hiking with my best friend in Tucson and we got lost in the desert for 29 hours. Shut and I. And we were literally on the way there singing a three hour tour, you know, and we. And I had. I actually, believe it or not, at 22, I had done a triathlon. I was in like super killer shape. We were hiking and all of a sudden it. And everybody thought we'd already gone to San Diego, so nobody was looking for us. Pre phones. Hello? Anyone there at all?

[Pete Holmes]

No one was looking for.

[Caroline Rhea]

Looking for you? Nobody.

[Pete Holmes]

Hello. Hello to the coyotes for help. Yeah, that's who can help.

[Caroline Rhea]

So we are all of a sudden everything looks identical in the, in the desert. It's like one hill looks like the next. All the canyons look like so and it's all cactus and all of a sudden it's dark and cold and all the animals are coming out to go to the water. Cuz we're down by a stream. We almost jumped off that down into a waterfall. We almost thought, well we can make it. We would have been killed immediately. So all of a sudden there's like coyotes, there's wolves, there's every kind of animal and we scale this like rock mountain and I back kick literally A boulder into my best friend's chest. Like, right here. She feels like a scar here. And I was like. Then I don't have my glasses on. I have one entire foot off a cliff. And she grabs me. I have one foot off. When that foot goes off, that shoe fell off because it was so ridiculous. I walked the last 16 miles with one shoe. And I literally had, like, a full cactus on me.

[Pete Holmes]

No, full.

[Caroline Rhea]

I full on stepped in a cactus.

[Pete Holmes]

Who came up with this day? A writer's room.

[Caroline Rhea]

I know. It's ridiculous. And I remember we were both sitting there. We were sharing, like. Like, a sweatshirt, and it was, like, freezing cold at night. And all of a sudden, this, like, ringtail raccoon that was, like, eyes like this. It was like this, like, right in our face, like. And then one of those necks that just goes, like. And we're both. And I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And Pam, who has, like, no violent tension, she's like, hand me the rock. I go, you're gonna kill it. My gosh, I better kill it. I'm like, why do you have to kill it? It's just, like, staring at, like, I'm gonna kill it. Like, full on. So anyway, it takes off. Obviously speaks English. Heard that we were gonna kill it. It's, like, gone in one second. Two seconds later, the mother is like, this big eyes like this. And we're like, okay. Bam. Now the whole family's alerted. All these, like, it was insane. And we're, like, hugging each other. And she goes. I go, I wonder. I wonder if God really is real. I go, what do you think about? She goes, I wonder if I'm ever gonna have sex again. I'm like, we're in a weird, awkward position. We're like, push me, pull yous in this Kennebunkport sweatshirt, and animals are circling us. And then. Oh, so ridiculous. So then the sun comes up, and I'm literally limping because I've got a cactus on my foot. And we, like, the cactus were like this. And we just, like, throw our body through the cactus. We were covered in cactuses. It took, like, days to get them all out.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Caroline Rhea]

And we. And I'm so Canadian. We meet this woman, and Pan's like, I'm gonna kill you. I can't believe we're gonna die like this. We're like. At this point, we've turned, and we see this woman. I'll never forget. She was, like, walking along, holding a daisy, like, she loves me, he loves me not. And she was in her 40s and she had braces. I'll never forget it. She just looked like a crazy, like, I don't know what, like, person just appeared. And I go. And we were like, hi, do you have any water? Like, we were so polite, working. And she's like. Like, we. We've been in the desert for a long time. And then she goes, oh, my God. Oh, my God, let me help you. I go, we don't know. We're disoriented. We had to get back. And she goes, it's just this way. I go, how far is it? She goes, 10 miles. So we walked another 10 miles. Like that? Yeah. Anyway, I think that was the closest to death. It would have been such a humiliating obituary. Killed by a giant eyed rabie, ridden something. Nobody even knows.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Thank you.

[Caroline Rhea]

You're welcome. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

All right. Don't.

[Caroline Rhea]

Don't plug what I'm gonna do. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Comedy fantasy camp. Comedy fantasy camp.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying dot com, Lisa. I'm not saying it. I'm just kidding.

[Caroline Rhea]

What has been so far the happiest phase of life for me? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not to be canned, but having Leela. Absolutely, hands down, for sure. Now that she's five. I'm just starting to get back into my life. Kind of like engaging with it more because she's old enough that I feel like that's valuable, too, for her to see that her dad is out there and doing stuff, and she comes along.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's what I was saying to Ava. I go, honey, I want you to love something that you do in life so much that you want to do it just like I do.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's all just modeling. I'm like, this is what it's like. This is what it looks like to be in love. This is what it looks like to love what you do. This is what it looks like to be caring. This is what it looks like to listen. That's the most important thing is I'm like, I'm showing you what it's like to be with an abundant, generous person, with his time, with his attention, so you won't settle for the boozy, alcoholic loser, the cheap stuff.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't mean you.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, that could be that. That's like the best gift in the world. I mean, I hope my mom was a single mother and my, you know, I was predestined. I was like, no, I, I. Yeah, you absolutely model what you see, but.

[Pete Holmes]

What a gift you are. You know what I mean?

[Caroline Rhea]

Our wounds start.

[Pete Holmes]

You Know what I mean? But you are. What a gift. It's alchemy, all of this. I. I'm not. We didn't really get into pain, but if there was, you know, to turn it into something and share it. So that's what I was gonna say. We have two topics left.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

One is the meaning of life.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And we have 30 minutes. 25 minutes.

[Caroline Rhea]

I only need four.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Caroline Rhea]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Hilarious. That's like Don Rickles. I can do it in four.

[Caroline Rhea]

I can do it in four. The girl was weak.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, I have a really good story.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's a good meaning of life story. Anyway. Go on. What meaning of life? And what's the other question?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the other one, I don't want to.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's a simple math problem.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. George has nine apples, and he left.

[Caroline Rhea]

Chicago on a train going 15 miles per hour.

[Pete Holmes]

I still have anxiety about this math problem. That they were like, there's a bathtub, and it's full and it's draining, but the faucet is on. At what point will it be?

[Caroline Rhea]

At what point will Pete the plumber show up for the third time that week?

[Pete Holmes]

And I go, yes, eat shit is the answer. You know what? I'll tell my daughter. Eat shit is the correct answer to that math problem. Why? This is one of my first bits. Before I ever did stand up. I never performed. I go, I don't like math. I don't need problems. Math problems. I have enough problems. What kind of sociopath is thinking up problems for me to solve? It's not bad.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's really funny.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not bad, but that's how I felt as a kid. You're giving me your problems.

[Caroline Rhea]

That is really funny.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like it's funny for us. I don't know if an audience would agree, but it's podcast funny. It works here. So meaning of life story. And then the other topic I'll just tell you is. I think it would be. I just. Look, you're a lady. You're a lady lady. And you came up.

[Caroline Rhea]

You're a knight in shining eye, and.

[Pete Holmes]

I love you, but you're unique, and you came up in stand up in a time. You know, that's the whole thing. So I'd love to talk about your advice for comics. I'm sure a lot of comics are listening. So we have the meaning of life and we have advice, but we can do that in either. Either order. I just feel like you had a very. Like, I would watch the documentary of you coming up. You know what I'm saying. And I'd like a little taste of it, not just from the female perspective, but your perspective. New York City. A sweet Canadian.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, Gets hot. Let me tell you. I have no clue.

[Pete Holmes]

The hockey puck slid from Manitoba on.

[Caroline Rhea]

Ooh.

[Pete Holmes]

This was free. The government gave me a cheese sandwich and a big push.

[Caroline Rhea]

I had no idea. Coming to New York. I literally had no idea. 1. I never heard the term WASP.

[Pete Holmes]

WASP.

[Caroline Rhea]

I didn't know what it meant. Yeah, so they were. But then, as my mother did say to me, when she goes, you know, darling, you're a saucy sailor on stage, but the minute you get off, you're just a prissy little wasp. Correct.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Caroline Rhea]

I auditioned for Meatballs 3 because there was so much more of the story to tell that didn't get finished in one and two. Just like the Godfather.

[Pete Holmes]

And we need to cinch this up.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The Meatballs legacy.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay, here's another thing. So Patrick Dempsey was the star of Meatballs 3 with Sally Kellerman. And it was. It was filmed in Lake St. Louis. And my. And I. And my mother told everyone care was offered the part of the topless water skit there, but sadly, she can't water ski. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Someone's like, spoiler. We haven't seen it. There's a topless water skier that really answers a lot of the questions. For Meatballs, too. You really were offered the part of topless water skier?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes. My mother was, like, funnier than I could ever, ever, ever aspire to be. She's just hilarious. I remember. I love it when I was studying Buddhism, one of my many spiritual journeys. And she's. We thought she was doing, like, government testing for asbestos melting. And there was always being something set on fire in the kitchen. We were like, did they. Did you do the research? Does it work? Because the cuisiner is all over the stove now. It just always looked like weird, bad plastic art. And she spilled. And she would. If you. If you did something negative, she never wanted to be pointed out. Like, I remember going to her house, and I. I was like this. Like, after two seconds, I'm like, Mom, my God, I've got, like, 400 bites. Does the dog have fleas? And she's like, why do you have to be negative? Why can't you focus on the positive as you're infesting. My legs are bleeding. But whatever. Anyway, so she's. She spilled for some reason. We had, like, the largest container of honey, and she spilt it on the ground, and it was like, it looked like it had been like, amber, you know, like. Like a prehistoric. Exactly. Like there's a dinosaur egg in it. It was like, thick and glossy and all over the kitchen. And there were ants from everywhere. Was like Mecca for ants. They were like, you must come. There's honey for all of us. Like, everywhere. Ants coming in here and just thousands of ants. And. And at the time, one of the big things, the tenants of Buddhism is you cannot kill a sentient being. Or sentient. Whatever. Anyway, so I was literally in the kitchen. I was like this. I was like walking like. Like there was there. I was like this. I was like, not to kill an ant, you know? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And my mother's like, what are you doing? And I said, I don't want to kill an ant. They're sentient beings. And she said, oh, for God's sake, use my shoe. Anyway, she was like, really, really funny. And what's so hilarious is I have ants in my bathtub now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Caroline Rhea]

In. In California.

[Pete Holmes]

And you won't wipe them out.

[Caroline Rhea]

Are you kidding? I literally set the temperature at like 130 and shot them down like a up. Like, I was doing Call of Duty and I. And I thought, what has happened to me? I might as well have gotten geometry sets in the light and, like, set the ants on fire. Okay. Anyway, so I go to Meatballs 3 and I auditioned the first time. And the guy was disgusting that I was auditioning for. He was literally like this all time because he was just swearing and being repulsive. And then he's like, yeah, go, go. Yeah. And then he's on the phone. I didn't give a what they're doing, blah, blah, blah, and talking. So I do.

[Pete Holmes]

On a call while you're auditioning and I'm.

[Caroline Rhea]

I audition, right? I do the audition. My friend was the associate casting person, right? So I get a call back and I can see the notes, right? This is so pre. Me too. But it was disgusting. So he's written by every woman's name. Great tits, great ass. Okay, Tits, great ass. Enormous ass, good tit. Like, it's just literally tits, ass, tits, ass. Like, not the most sexualizing comments. And then I. Of course I see my name and it just says funny. Really funny. Everybody else, tits and ass. I was 22. I could have gotten mentioned.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, could I be objectified, please?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. Can I be objectified? It would. I'm at the right age anyway, so.

[Pete Holmes]

And you got it.

[Caroline Rhea]

So there's the meaning of life. Find your purpose and share it.

[Pete Holmes]

Humbly and proudly return what you've been given. That's what the Franciscan Richard Rohr, my spiritual father, says is the meaning.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's your spiritual father? Who else do you like? Have you ever studied Kabbalah?

[Pete Holmes]

I actually know quite a bit about Judaism and enjoy a lot of it. I was just reading a beautiful. Oh, I wish I could remember it. But there's a line, there's a verse in Isaiah that nobody quotes that Richard Rohr quotes, which is like, I'm ready to be found by those who don't study me. I'm ready to. Like, I whisper, I'm here. I'm here to those who do not seek me.

[Caroline Rhea]

Wow. Is that advertising? Your new show?

[Pete Holmes]

And it didn't work. We should have been like, please watch. Crashing. But I was all out there being Isaiah 26 about it. Like, you can watch it or not. And then we got canceled.

[Caroline Rhea]

But Isaiah 27 or will be canceled. He needed to include it.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's just to say, just this morning, I was enjoying the OT as we call it.

[Caroline Rhea]

The ot.

[Pete Holmes]

But what is Kabbalah? I'm not. It's like mystical Judaism.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes, but this is it. When you walk in the room, are you turning the light on? You're turning the light off of your light and the light of the world. Are you sharing or are you being like, a big dirt? Like, are you taking it? And you're a big light giver?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I love that.

[Caroline Rhea]

I want to hear the Isaiah quote again.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish I could. I wish I.

[Caroline Rhea]

You just said it.

[Pete Holmes]

Do I have it? Because I have so many copies of this book, and this book opens with this quote.

[Caroline Rhea]

Fudge.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, fudge. I don't have it.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know what?

[Pete Holmes]

Can you Google Isaiah? I whisper, I am here. I am here. Then if. If that's.

[Caroline Rhea]

You know who I want.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, tell me.

[Caroline Rhea]

I want. So I've been making a TV show for the last four or five months.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

In my house.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Caroline Rhea]

It was supposed to be called no Good Deed, but that's already taken.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a good title.

[Caroline Rhea]

I know, because it's really. It's like the opposite of curb. I'm just too nice and I get in trouble as a result.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, fun.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Anti Curb.

[Caroline Rhea]

Anti Curb.

[Pete Holmes]

We're ready for an Anti Curb.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah, it would actually be Anti Curb.

[Pete Holmes]

Anti Curb. Have you seen Anti Curb on no Good Deed?

[Caroline Rhea]

I mean, here's how I want you to play.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Oh, I'm on it.

[Caroline Rhea]

No, yeah, I want you to play.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm in it.

[Caroline Rhea]

I want you to play like a minister.

[Pete Holmes]

Perfect.

[Caroline Rhea]

Perfect. A non denominational minister who's really funny.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm ready.

[Caroline Rhea]

Who just basically has a calling to be a comedian, but even a bigger calling to be.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean me? If I just.1 degree to the left.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I'll do it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay, good.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm in. I'm flattered and I love it. Did you find it?

[Caroline Rhea]

No, I'm not seeing anything with Whisper.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it might have been a loose translation.

[Caroline Rhea]

So 11 years. So I'm the last person you've never interviewed. You've gotten into everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

That's one way to take it. That's what Neil Brennan said. He was like, if Marc Maron asked me to do the podcast, I'd say no, because I. I don't want to be the 600th guest. I was like, neil, he's so fierce. He loves himself. Real fierce. Yeah, but sometimes I want to be like, that's not what it means. I have a podcast. You're not the 700th person. When I met you in Montreal, I was trying to play cool and be like, don't pitch the podcast now. Maybe I did. Did I? Because I've always wanted to talk to you. Because I did the Cleveland Improv with Jim Gaffigan over New Year's Eve in 2003, and you had been there a few weekends earlier. And I saw that you did Friday, 8 or 7:30 and 9 or whatever. And then Saturday they do three shows. It said, Caroline, 7:39. And then the midnight show was someone else. And I was like, you can do that. And I. And also just like growing up religious, seeing someone who was clean and had a bright light and wasn't just like a pirate. I love the pirates too. You know what I mean? So I was like, I'm fascinated with people like you. That's why I wanted to talk about coming up. But like, oh, you were like a beacon of hope. As was Seinfeld and Ellen. I know, maybe not the sweetest person, but Ellen as well. Anybody that was being clean and kind of cheery, I was like, there's hope. There's room for a guy like me. And also, you don't have to do the midnight show. Cause those midnight shows at the fucking Cleveland Improv, you're just babysitting drunk people. And I loved your boundaries. There I was admiring boundaries. Before we even used that word. We just went, what a.

[Caroline Rhea]

Self this was. This is an impression of me at every third show. Now. Did I already tell you this joke? Did I say this already?

[Pete Holmes]

It's Funny.

[Caroline Rhea]

Have I told this joke?

[Pete Holmes]

Because Jim and I did a midnight show.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he repeated a joke.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't even think he knows I was watching.

[Caroline Rhea]

Like, God, he's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. He's so funny. And he got off stage. I'll never forget it. One of my early teachers, he goes off stage, and he did really well. Midnight show Saturday in Cleveland. And he's not famous. Gets offset. And we're, you know, he's trying to do interesting stuff and, like, you know, the middle, who's great, but, you know, I say that to be nice, but, like, was murdering with, like, pretty, you know, regular stuff. And Jim's coming up, trying to do something kind of more interesting, and he does well, and he gets off stage and he goes. I go, that was incredible. And he goes, it's all pace. He. And I looked back, I was like, he did. He did his act at double speed, like a podcast. And that's how he survived it. And I was like, that's a nice little lesson. I learned that that day.

[Caroline Rhea]

I did the, like, 12:20 last night at the Comedy Store.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what made me think of it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah. And I was really like, oh, Caroline, you're rushing because you're. You're scared because they're. They've seen so much comedy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

And then I was like, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just nice. You know, you inspired me comedically. And then also in a way that it was like, there's other voices that are welcome. And that was. And I appreciate that.

[Caroline Rhea]

Well, I love you, and I feel like you're a kindred spirit. I don't know why I'm wrapping up your podcast, but I am.

[Pete Holmes]

You can. Nate Bargazi had a great joke about parking in New York, and he's like, when you're driving someone in Manhattan, they just want you to park anywhere. Like, I think that's a spot. And he's like, there's a car on fire. Yeah, just park there. That's a hydrant. And there's a cop. Just pull over here.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's such a good joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Nate is also one of those guys, and I came up with Nate, and here we are. You know, I say this with love, but in the bowels of Manhattan, early 2000s comedy, where everybody was, you know, we're talking the hard F word. I don't mean fuck. I mean like, real rough stuff.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Nate's getting up there being like, I have a watch, and it's not a pocket watch. You know, I love Nate.

[Caroline Rhea]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But imagine you just followed a squirting G spot closer.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And now Nate's like toothpicks. You put them in a sandwich, it's like the sandwich had something in its teeth or me doing the same kind of bit. It's rough.

[Caroline Rhea]

I didn't know Nate started in New York.

[Pete Holmes]

Nate started in Chicago. I'm very proud of this. Are you ready for me to be proud of myself?

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nate was in Chicago, and then I moved to New York. And he's like, I'm gonna do what Pete did. Like, he was. He said that. He said that. But I'm proud because he's one of the best ever. And the fact that he was even admiring me a little bit or mirroring me a little bit.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He was like, I'm gonna do whatever Pete does. And then he went to the club that I was at, and he. We hand out flyers together, and I was. Even then, I was proud. I was like. Because I. I thought he was incredible.

[Caroline Rhea]

Always help somebody when you can.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Caroline Rhea]

Always, always, always.

[Pete Holmes]

And that was Gaffigan for me, too. And Gaffigan probably helped him as well. He told me, be undeniable. That was the best. Because be undeniable, he said, just get so funny they can't ignore you. That was his advice.

[Caroline Rhea]

Well, that. Yeah. I also think just don't tell a joke anyone else could tell.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

And if they do steal your joke, they're not telling it. Like, you gotta. It's so clear from you that, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

You know who I heard that from? OBG. OBG1M.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay. This is my new favorite joke. Oh, and then you tell me your new favorite joke.

[Pete Holmes]

I know my favorite joke, and it's an open micr. And I don't know. No, yours of mine.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Go ahead.

[Caroline Rhea]

I think I'm ready to have a threesome. I don't care if it's a man or an extra woman. I just need someone to hold my neck back and don't talk. Nope. And you know what? It'd probably be best if you just closed your eyes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's very, very, very good. Trying to think of. That's like. You write such tight. That's undeniable. Like, your style is undeniable. It's like, oh, you have some feeling about me. You know what I mean? Speed bag. It's undeniable. It really is. It's like, oh, this is. This is somebody who prepped. And I don't mean you feel rehearsed. You don't. You're loose and silly. But the. The rapid Thing. Not a lot of people are doing that. A lot of successful comedians aren't doing that many punchlines and that many. You know what I mean? Just. Just compliments.

[Caroline Rhea]

Enjoy. A bunch of compliments.

[Pete Holmes]

Trying to think of my favorite quick.

[Caroline Rhea]

What is your language of love?

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I'm not even sure I have to write down what makes me happy. I write it down. I write down who I love. I write down what makes me feel juice.

[Caroline Rhea]

So you remember.

[Pete Holmes]

And happy. So I remember. Because sometimes when I'm blue and then.

[Caroline Rhea]

You look at your wife like, you're not on the list, but you're gonna get there.

[Pete Holmes]

Who's Mike Birbiglia? Blue. And my wife is like, you know, who could help you? I'm like, mike Birbiglia. I don't know why I can't think. I have one. Oh, I have a joke. It's not like yours. It's a different style. But I go, I used to pull off the highway. I talk about Subway, and I remember when we all ate Subway sandwiches. I was like, we all love Subway sandwiches. And sometimes I don't clap, and I go, come on, don't leave me alone. I recall there being a line. And then I go, I used to pull off the highway to go to a Subway and eat what I thought was a health food. And I was proud of myself. Like, I can't wait to tell my doctor I had a highway hoagie. Then I get my blood work done. He's like, your cholesterol's through the roof. And I go, check it again, dipshit. That's my favorite line and my opener. Matt McCarthy, we go, check it again, dipshit. All the time to each other.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's what your T shirt should be.

[Pete Holmes]

Check it again, dipshit. Yeah, I think calling your doctor specifically a dipshit after you've been eating hoagies and he's showing you your. Your cholesterol is.

[Caroline Rhea]

I got the whole joke, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. I.

[Caroline Rhea]

That's why I thought it was funny, because I understand.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. Why am I telling it like a. Previously on previously on your life. Remember when? Just a second ago. Okay, tell me about Kabbalah because we want to hear it. Or tell me about your spirituality right now. Here's a way in. Do you think it ends when we die? That's a. Oh, my God.

[Caroline Rhea]

Really? No, that's not a closer.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, sure it is. It's literally the closer of all of us. It's how we all say goodbye. Well, that's a way in it doesn't have to be. How about. Do you have some.

[Caroline Rhea]

My whole point in doing stand up is to raise your consciousness. I'm not trying to get a sitcom. I'm going to do my own show. I'm not trying to get a special. I'm not trying to get on Letterman. We have so many, like, objective goals when we first start, we're like, I'm going to be funny. I'm going to do this and this. I want to kind of literally lift your spirits in a time when the world is so crappy. I want you to be a little happier than when you left.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

And then you get incredibly kind things. Like, this woman came up to me and said, my son has such PTSD from being in Afghanistan. You're the. Is the first time he's laughed in nine months. I can't thank you enough. And then you feel like you're the luckiest person in the world that you get to do that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. I love that so much.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I'm the same way.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when I'm unembarrassed and writing down what I'm earnestly trying to do with stand up is I'm like, I want people to feel less alone.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'd like to sprinkle in a little bit of hope, too.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And also sharing. Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

You're sharing your heart and soul. And also, like, you're. You're very good at sort of subtly teaching.

[Pete Holmes]

I appreciate that.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's what took some getting over. I had to be like, don't be embarrassed. If that's what you want to do, you can do it. Well, everybody gets to say what they want to talk about. You want to talk about the meaning of life, you do it.

[Caroline Rhea]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I think people can tell when I was religious, I would be doing it because I thought I was supposed to be doing it. We've all heard of those comics that end with, like, a altar call. Like, every once in a while in the 80s, there'd be a guy that had a born again moment and, like, lead them in the Lord's Prayer or something. And it wasn't funny or it was weird, but I'm just like, it's insincere if that's all. I think it's what I think about most of the time. It's what I read about most of the time. So it's gonna come into the comedy. It would be insincere to not do that. And I think they can feel that.

[Caroline Rhea]

Comedy is a Healing art.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

We get to heal people's hearts and moods.

[Pete Holmes]

And, you know, I agree. I have a line in my act right now, too, where I. I say. I say something about whatever trauma, and then I go, and that's not very funny, because it's not. And I go, but it's relatable. And I go, but if you leave here feeling less alone, that's my job, too. And everybody loves it. And I love that they love it.

[Caroline Rhea]

I do, too.

[Pete Holmes]

And I love that. I don't know.

[Caroline Rhea]

I've been saying lately, I go, when I said in this hour that we're together, I said, I don't care who you voted for. If you fell on the ground in front of me, I would go to pick you up. I wouldn't think to ask you which party you were in.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm like, we have so much more in common than we have this stupid, divisive nonsense.

[Pete Holmes]

So I so agree with you.

[Caroline Rhea]

Okay. My minister, who I was really close to in New York, he was at Marble Collegiate, and he was Norman Vincent Peale's assistant minister for, like, 26 years.

[Pete Holmes]

Keegan Michael Key's partner.

[Caroline Rhea]

Power of positive thinking.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Caroline Rhea]

Often. Yeah. So funny. Anyway, I did this joke about something about sex, some sex, whatever. And I caught my minister's eye just at the end of that joke, and I didn't acknowledge that I'd seen him, and I just said, and now, as always, I would like to end my show with the Lord's Prayer. Then he looked at me and goes, I know you saw me after the show.

[Pete Holmes]

I need that so hard. I get. You know what? That's my save line, is if I catch myself, because sometimes I do just, you know, on the road, I'll just start talking about the prodigal sutter. I'll tell it. And with jokes.

[Caroline Rhea]

I know, but it's so interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

I appreciate it. It's not gonna make the hour. I can feel it. But if it doesn't end on a laugh, and I did this on my special, I'll just go, let's pray. And that's always my save. If I catch myself, because I do, I get carried away.

[Caroline Rhea]

Dear Lord, please have these people understand what that joke really is about and have them not feel terrible that they were not smart enough to understand.

[Pete Holmes]

It's kind of like it's what Gaffigan does. Oh, that's sad. You know what I mean?

[Caroline Rhea]

But you're talking to God.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Instead, you're talking to God. Who else could we be talking to? Let's Pray.

[Caroline Rhea]

We have to go eat something now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, let's get the fuck out of here. Thank you.

[Caroline Rhea]

Thank you so much.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I give you one quote from Richard Rohr for our spiritual fulfillment? So I'm gonna give it this preface. So much of us think God is mad. My whole thing is, dad's not mad. Get over it. Dad's not. In fact, the whole message is, drop the guilt, drop the shame, and remember that you're a beloved child of God. That's the whole thing. But Richard Roy said. Because we thought we had to be good.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, always.

[Pete Holmes]

And Richard says, God doesn't love you because you are good. God loves you because God is good. And that's the whole thing.

[Caroline Rhea]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

What else do you need?

[Caroline Rhea]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And I just try to remember that all the time.

[Caroline Rhea]

It's so weird, though, that you can get very. I remember realizing that you don't wake up awake. You know what I mean? That you have to choose to be consciously awake every day.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Caroline Rhea]

Otherwise you are a robot in one second.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Caroline Rhea]

Especially when you're going through the chore phase of life or. But having a child is, like the biggest awakening gift. I agree. Especially at that age because you see.

[Pete Holmes]

How engaged she is. I agree. We're the same. Comedy fantasy camp. Google it. We don't know the URL. Google it and go do comedy with Caroline Rae.

[Caroline Rhea]

Go and learn how to be a comedian.

[Pete Holmes]

If that's Jay Leno and Adam Carell.

[Caroline Rhea]

A very nurturing teacher.

[Pete Holmes]

So I wouldn't.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'll bring out the best love that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, you can and yes, you will.

[Caroline Rhea]

No. I can't wait to watch your special now, the latest one.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I hope you like it.

[Caroline Rhea]

I'm not for everyone.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not for everyone.

[Caroline Rhea]

I know, but that's funny that that's even your choice.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but I wanted a title that was like, oh, if I like him, I'm in the group. So am I in the group?

[Caroline Rhea]

Mine, the opposite. I identify as a witch.

[Pete Holmes]

Perfect. Would you say keep it crispy? It's just how we sign off.

[Caroline Rhea]

As in, keep it.

[Pete Holmes]

Krispy Kreme, the fresh ones early in the morning.

[Caroline Rhea]

Oh, please. I can see the light for 100 miles like a beacon of hope.

[Pete Holmes]

It's an old Roseanne joke, but, like, when you get directions from a person who loves food, I think she says, a fat person, but she goes like, there's a McDonald's three blocks this way. Go right when you pass the Papageno's, Take two. Isn't that funny?

[Caroline Rhea]

I know someone like that.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's very similar to a Ram Dass bit or whatever you want to say. He always goes, if you're hungry, you see restaurants. If you're horny, you see people you can have sex with. And he's talking about what we're talking about. It's like you're running a program and it's. You're not seeing reality looking through this filter. Anyway, say, keep it crispy. Let's get the out of here.

[Caroline Rhea]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

The woman was strong. There it is.