Gareth Reynolds Returns

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: Gareth Reynolds Returns
Date: February 12, 2025

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Episode Overview

This energetic and laughter-filled episode welcomes back comedian and podcaster Gareth Reynolds, a favorite guest of host Pete Holmes. The tone is loose, silly, and relentlessly riff-filled—just two friends improvising, reflecting on weirdness, comedy, pop culture, bits about British and American life, psychedelic experiences, and the nature of love and ego. Throughout, the boundaries between deep insights and absurd bits blur in classic "You Made It Weird" style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Riffing and Relationship Bits

• Long-Distance Love & Fashion Policing (02:17–04:32

  • Gareth discusses his long-distance relationship, his girlfriend’s remote input on his wardrobe, and the comedic anxieties of “representing” a partner from afar.
  • Notable Quote:
    "She'll go flip it around and let me see the mirror...She wants to okay your outfit just because you're out there representing her." — Pete Holmes (02:45)

• Absurd Animal Anatomy & Spider Sex Jokes (04:01–05:07)

  • Pete improvises about spiders having multiple vaginas, Gareth keeps up volleying more animal weirdness, and soon they're competing for the best "spider bits."

2. Comedy, Wordplay & Impressions

• Bob Dylan & Impression Anxiety (05:41–06:40)
  • They mock the perils of doing Dylan impressions post-Timothée Chalamet and riff on forbidden voices:
    "You can't even do a Dylan anymore...I'm sorry. Like someone will be like, did you hear Pete Holmes back in the day?" — Gareth Reynolds (05:41)
• British vs. American Accents Game (07:29–12:00)
  • Ongoing joke: trying to find a sentence that sounds the same in British and American accents ("I saw a panda"; "A man and a banana"; etc.), consulting ChatGPT mid-riff.

3. Pop Culture, Nostalgia & Gadgets

• Projectors, Swinger Stereotypes & Hot Tubs (14:01–21:00)
  • Pete insists projectors are life-changing, but are culturally suspect (“as if you’re a swinger”); bit escalates into a satirical infomercial about projectors, hot tubs, massage chairs, and long matches.
  • They expand this into absurd territory about swinger accessories and home gadgets, with multiple callbacks.
• Danger Mouse, Childhood Cartoons & Gateway Violence (12:07–13:16)
  • A nostalgia thread: growing up on British cartoons, the transition from gentle to edgier TV, and how Ninja Turtles and their ilk were “the weed” for later action-hero fandom.

4. Weed, Anxiety, and Midlife

• Reflections on Quitting Weed & Anxiety (09:24–10:13)
  • Both recount stepping away from habitual weed use, the growing anxiety, and how their relationship to it has changed with age.
  • Notable Quote:
    "I was a huge weed smoker for most of my adult life. And then I stopped...I can't believe I just used to do this before everything." — Gareth Reynolds (09:44)
• Colonoscopy Talk & Getting Older (29:32–31:06)
  • Funny, honest discussion of midlife realities, comparing their ages, insecurities about appearing older, and medical checkpoints.

5. Comedians and Social Media

• Cameo & Online Persona Dilemmas (33:25–34:32; 72:01–73:16)

  • Candid discussion about the awkwardness of Cameo, when/if to monetize messages for fans, and where the line between generosity and personal boundaries is.
  • Notable Moment: Pete describes wanting to help fans but feeling weird about money and authenticity, while Gareth considers short charity runs as the ideal model.

• Sharing Personal Life Online (35:02–37:16)

  • Gareth is staunchly private, struggles to “post a lunch,” and jokes about never sharing his dating info online, contrasting with partners who might want more visibility.

6. Bits, Stand-Up Craft, and Early Comedy Memories

• Premise Bits: The White House Mattress (54:55–58:02)
  • Pete shares a high-conceived bit about presidential mattresses—do they change with each president and what of, say, “the Clinton mattress”? The bit escalates, with both contributing increasingly absurd images.
  • Notable Quote:
    "You can't get the Clinton mattress. That thing soaked through like a tres leches cake." — Pete Holmes (55:29)
• Comedy Origin Stories & First Bombs (101:53–113:10)
  • Pete recounts his first headlining set—renting out a restaurant, inviting friends and professors, and bombing with prop comedy (lobster bibs); Gareth discusses his first bit about voicemails from his dad in different time zones and how bits evolve over years.
  • Notable Quote:
    "You have to live with the prop and you would have a lot on the ground, like the burger on the ground." — Pete Holmes (107:58)
• What It’s Like Building New Material (78:54–87:33)
  • They go deep on stand-up craft: writing new jokes, retiring old benchwarmers, the different pressures of clubs vs. big theaters, and how laughs feel in different settings.

7. Psychedelics & Altered States

• Ayahuasca, Ketamine, and Ego Dissolution (113:46–132:30)

  • Gareth describes his first and subsequent ayahuasca journeys: revelation of a “sixth sense,” interconnectedness, lessening attachment to career, and a major emotional purge related to a stalker.

  • Pete shares a profound ketamine experience—entering the “void,” feeling the stillest stillness, and understanding the oneness and trustworthiness of consciousness.

  • Notable Quotes:
    "Everything that seemed so important the day I went in there, the next day felt half as important at most." — Gareth Reynolds (132:31)
    "It overflowed and split into billions and billions of things, then goes around engaging with itself and believing it. Because I was laughing...it's all an octopus with puppets." — Pete Holmes (123:03)

• Compassion, Love, and Interpersonal Connection (139:14–144:28)

  • They connect psychedelic insights with therapy and forgiveness, especially regarding anger/resentment and how everyone wants love and acknowledgment. Gareth recounts moving from hatred to compassion for his stalker after a breakthrough ayahuasca session.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• “The projector is the hot tub of the indoors.” — Pete Holmes (14:40)
• "If you have a wall, that's how big your TV is." — Pete Holmes (23:03)
• “There's always a part of you as a stand-up where you're like, can I just call Jonah and...see if that joke still works?” — Pete Holmes (32:30)
• “I felt a third eye connection to a place I didn't know existed.” — Gareth Reynolds on ayahuasca (137:27)
• “Off of that—so I do parts work therapy…every time, it’s a shock…all it wants, just like every person, is someone to say thank you.” — Pete Holmes (139:24)

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Timestamps for Major Topics

• Riffing on Relationships, Spider Bits, & Impressions: 02:00–08:00
• Wordplay, Accent Games, ChatGPT bits: 07:29–13:20
• Projectors, Swingers, & Home Gadgets: 14:01–23:52
• Reflecting on Weed and Anxiety: 09:24–10:13
• Nostalgia—Danger Mouse Discussion: 12:21–13:16
• Comedy Craft, Early Shows, Prop Bombs: 101:53–113:10
• Ayahuasca, Ketamine, and Oneness: 113:46–132:30
• Therapy Insights, Forgiveness, and Love: 139:14–144:28

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Tone & Highlights

In classic “You Made it Weird” fashion, the episode effortlessly swings between rapid-fire absurdist bits and sudden bursts of vulnerability, compassion, and insight. Pete’s openness and Gareth’s easy-playful style keep the laughter going, while both dig into midlife anxieties, ego checks, and the earnest hope that love—however weird—will always win.

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Conclusion

The episode closes on a warm, sincere note, reflecting lessons from therapy, psychedelics, and comedy: the importance of appreciating each other, the futility of ego battles, and trying to stay “crispy” (alive to the moment, playful, and compassionate)—with the now-customary sign-off, “Keep it crispy.”

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“Keep it Crispy”

(144:38)

Pete: “We made it weird.”
Gareth: “Keep it crispy.”
Pete: “Oh, you got to keep it crispy. KFC on Air Force One…”
Gareth (laughing): “Like you’re shattering a Clinton mattress. Keep it crispy.”
Pete: “Tap it with a rock hammer and it shatters...”

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Transcript

[Gareth Reynolds]

You made it weird. You made it weird.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird. Oh, yeah, you made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is the return of one of my absolute favorite people, one of the funniest people alive, Gareth Reynolds. You maybe remember Gareth from the last time he was on the show when we talked about. I saw Salis Isosolies and he's back and we laugh so much every once in a while. I'm just like, you know what, let's just have a friend on. Let's be silly and let's do bits the whole time. And that's what we did. We do get into some, you know, interesting areas, but most of the way through, we're riffing and laughing. So we were due for a silly one. And I'm glad you're here to laugh and enjoy with us. Gareth is on tour. He's going to be in Sacramento, San Francisco, Naples, Florida, Charlotte, North Carolina, Raleigh, North Carolina, Virginia Beach, Virginia, Richmond. He's going all over. Go to GarethReynolds.com and check out his tour dates. He's so funny. Do yourself a favor, go see him live. I'm also touring. Coming up next is my Largo on February 15th here in Los Angeles. That's going to be incredible. Some very, very big guests that I can't even mention, but really, really good ones. And then on February 21st, I'm going to be in Vancouver. We just added a second show. My, my, my Canadian weirdos. Hope you can come out on February 21, part of the Just for Last Fest. Tickets for all of These are on Peteholmes.com followed by Atlantic City, New Jersey, Austin, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, and Royal Oak, Michigan. All of those are on Peteholmes.com and be sure to see Gareth out there as well. In the meantime, so glad you're here. Let's enjoy this podcast. Let's do it. Let's get into it. You are a murderer. Murderer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is slander.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the highest.

[Pete Holmes]

What this is podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this how these are supposed to go, socks wise? Is that what we're.

[Pete Holmes]

A real saggy sock?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A saggy sock tucked in? Is that what.

[Pete Holmes]

What you're gonna want to do is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Walk me through being a man.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in a committed relationship.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But she doesn't live here, so that's. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean she doesn't live here?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She lives on the east coast, so.

[Pete Holmes]

That'S why you got that baggy, low.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hanging you know what she does a lot is she'll go, what are you wearing?

[Pete Holmes]

What? She's checking to make sure you're not making a foolish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She'll go flip it around and let me see the mirror. And then I'll be like. Because I'll be like, that bottom's falling apart.

[Pete Holmes]

She wants to okay your outfit just because you're out there representing her. You're like her manager.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, she.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you look like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she, she. She looks like she's co signed. So she's going like, let's get it going.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I didn't know you were in a long disc. Yeah, long disc.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. For now. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like you ain't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would not say that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. No, that's a long disc.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that. Oh, that better? It's just I heard the play.

[Pete Holmes]

Word play.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well done then.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you order wordplay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I haven't, but I'll have a bit. I'll have a bit. We'll do a bit of wordplay. No. Now why that? You have a decent one. Don't go. Some wordplay.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you? No. Now I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

I forgot that you're a secret Brit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Secret brit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What were you going to say? Welcome to the show. I'm firing on all and I don't like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like how I'm hosting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nah, I think that's wrong. I think you're doing great. Thanks.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm excited to see you is what I'm trying to say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm excited to see you. I.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a day off. Just go in the. I just dropped my wedding ring. You know what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That you're single?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Should we get the spider over? You want to bang the spider that we saw earlier?

[Pete Holmes]

Did you know a spider has eight vaginas?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that true?

[Pete Holmes]

That's what arachnid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even the males.

[Pete Holmes]

The males have 12 vaginas. Vagina.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That explains a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

It explains a lot. That's why spiders are always, you know, you don't have. You're not making up for something if you're going around scaring people all the time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me ask you this.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, stay single. You can dress like what you want.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. Or long distance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you're long.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll put it here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. The gets away.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna get it. I'm gonna write that down. What were you gonna say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was gonna ask how many spider bits you have. LD you got a lot of Spider bits. Spider jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

I have one moth joke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you got? Moth wise?

[Pete Holmes]

This is so petty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's the only joke that Kumail.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shots fired already.

[Pete Holmes]

Name check. Yeah, well, Kumail and I started together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Still and still feels like a shot is being aimed.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you mean like I'm going to take him down?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's time too.

[Pete Holmes]

It would be hard to take him down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I mean. It seems impossible. So let's get him.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're in a bar fight with Kumail, you're grabbing something. Something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's cheap meal and throwing it at. That's the only way.

[Pete Holmes]

The only way to stop him is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To throw a donut at him and.

[Pete Holmes]

Then throw it across. So he runs after.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he goes have been. Can I do his voice anymore? It's different now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't. I mean how close are you? Feels like shots fired.

[Pete Holmes]

No. For a very long time I would have fearlessly done Kum's. That's now I feel like I don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Think he can even with the co sign they are.

[Pete Holmes]

It's even with his heels.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't even do a Dylan anymore. You can't even do a Bob Dylan. I think Timothy Chalamet's performance will age.

[Pete Holmes]

Poorly because he's doing Dylan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you can't do Dylan voice. Yeah, you can't do Dylan voice anymore. I'm sorry. Like someone will be like, did you hear Pete Holmes back in the day? Hey, come on. It's like that is so.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you're onto something. I don't think future they're gonna say I'm sorry. Were you pretending to be Bob Dylan?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everyone was doing a Dylan back then. You'd go to a club and you'd walk your hand. It was a different time.

[Pete Holmes]

People wanted it. Yeah, people wanted it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on?

[Pete Holmes]

Do you think he's ever like because how he really talks old Dylan. I'll be like, I don't know why people are people out here saying I talk like, hey, yeah. Has he ever done that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think he's done that and I think that he probably doesn't care for it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think he likes it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think. Why would he? He was like. Especially because he was like being him.

[Pete Holmes]

Also when if Chalamet taught us anything is that Bobby D didn't really sing like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes he would. How does it feel like then he'd get into it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's very similar to singing over the drums when you hear British or English people sing, like. And then you hear him interviewed and you're like, what? Yeah, it's like the first time you heard Christian Bale.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Talk.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're like, what?

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They from Arizona?

[Pete Holmes]

Because we were singing our words now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

To their ear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

This is music.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yes. To them. They go.

[Pete Holmes]

The Queen would be like, Well, I put a beat to that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even God save the Queen.

[Pete Holmes]

God save it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why did not version accent in that?

[Pete Holmes]

God save the Queen. What is the British act? What is the British sentence?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, dear.

[Pete Holmes]

That has the least British accent. Because there's always a couple. Like, in Irish, you get in trouble where you're like, oh, let's go down to the pub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then. And then it starts getting Scottish. And then we'll go in our truck and before the end of it, you're doing a kind of Scottish. But then the problem is there are things in the Irish accent you say that just sound exactly like us. So you. As a. As a. As a bisexual.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

As a bread and a bisexual.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Go on.

[Pete Holmes]

As a known brisexual.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What is the phrase that sounds exactly the same in English? And buddy, if you can't think of it, we're asking Chad GPT. We're going to ask.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's probably worth asking and letting me compare anyway, because I need a second to think of.

[Pete Holmes]

It's probably like, all right, you, you, you, you. You know, you is pretty good. It's tough. You. He.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Especially with my famous subject. Yeah. Can we get a suggestion, Hank?

[Pete Holmes]

Ed. Ed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, I was gonna say it's tough. I would say Phil.

[Pete Holmes]

Phil.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Phil.

[Pete Holmes]

Phil found.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Phil found. Phil found.

[Pete Holmes]

Phil found.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Phil found. Still found some felines.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, Betty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Betty, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Phil found trouble. Trouble.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about a storm's coming. Storm's coming.

[Pete Holmes]

Storms coming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's tough.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. It's got to be. You're on the money. We can't even have a subject. It's got to be like, time's up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's gotta be quick.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop sign. Yeah, it's gotta be that real fast. Gosh. 1. It has to just be excluded.

[Pete Holmes]

It has to be those Tostitos. Oh, that was so British. That was so, so British. I got ripped on weed smoke. Not a huge partaker, but when I take, I'm took. Okay? So, okay, the kind of the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When was this?

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, this was probably after I taped my special. I was like, I'm going to give myself two weeks to Smoke weed. Here's my. You want my conclusion?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not that great. It's not that great. Yeah, it's okay. The best part of smoking weed is, you know, you're not doing anything. It's like this time where you're like, I can't do my taxes. You know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I was a huge weed smoker for most of my adult life. And then I stopped, like, almost three years ago. And then I was in. I was in Seattle and I. And I got stoned for the first time in probably a year and a half. Not even that high.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I was like, I can't believe I just used to do this before everything.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because it really did. Like, it was what everyone talks about. My anxiety was. I just felt anxiety.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I felt like. I was like.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like spicy food. You get used to your esophagus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Holes in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And weed. You get used to being like. Is the postman an assassin?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Postman.

[Pete Holmes]

Postman and assassin. The postman and assassin we said would ask her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not bad.

[Pete Holmes]

Send in the robot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How much were robot. Is that the anus of AI?

[Pete Holmes]

Is it Jewish men that say robot or is it just New York?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought it was just guys. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want in on that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And I'm not. You don't want that. I'm a big. How's this going to look in future guy?

[Pete Holmes]

Are you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. I won't do Dylan voice.

[Pete Holmes]

New York, Jewish, older.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not touching it. I don't believe there's a Jew in New York. How about that? I'm going the other way.

[Pete Holmes]

What is a sentence you could say with a British accent that would sound exactly the same if you said it within an American accent. Like. Do you understand? We're looking for a sentence that a British person would say and there would be no accent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it going to understand this? It's really a good example.

[Pete Holmes]

Might be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I saw a panda.

[Pete Holmes]

The pronunciation of those words is pretty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Much identical in both accents. Saw a panda. That's not bad.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not bad. I saw a panda.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Saw is tough.

[Pete Holmes]

Saw is tough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've seen issues. I've seen a panda.

[Pete Holmes]

I've seen a panda. Is that better?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've never engaged like this.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you're right. So an. I've might give it away a bit. The British intonation could sneak in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe something even simpler like a man and a banana.

[Pete Holmes]

It's straightforward and avoids tricky words.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bananas.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. She just she just. She just showed her ones and zeros.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. But I. I've never. Bananas.

[Pete Holmes]

Bananas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There was a cartoon called Banana man, but Banana Man.

[Pete Holmes]

When Eric eats a banana, it's this guy who.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When he ate a banana.

[Pete Holmes]

Eric.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, Eric.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I said. When Eric. When Eric eats a banana, he becomes. They showed that during Danger Mouse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dude, I can't believe you know Danger Mouse. How about the villain?

[Pete Holmes]

What was his name?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ready? I remembered it like a year ago.

[Pete Holmes]

I've seen a panda.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Baron von Greenback, because he was a frog. That was the best show.

[Pete Holmes]

Danger Mouse. Remember when you're a kid. Remember. Remember when you're a kid and you're not quite ready for like. Like real violence?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But you kind of want a protagonist like Darkwing Duck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Who looks like maybe he punches people in the face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great, great, great. Ref. Again.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Maybe Danger Mouse, who has an eye patch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

He might. He might fight. It's like the Ninja Turtles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They have those weapons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They are the gateway.

[Pete Holmes]

They're gateway.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're the weed. They are the weed. They are the weed.

[Pete Holmes]

Heroine of John.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. I was playing Red Dead Redemption yesterday, and my friend Michael Gunger was watching me and he said, bullets are the. What did he call them? He goes, anti sperm. He's like, men love shooting things. We shoot sperm at women and make life. We shoot bullets at men.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that is very interesting. That is very bullet sperm. Now, high or not high?

[Pete Holmes]

Not high.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he's watching you play.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, because I just set up a theater here. Look, before you think I'm a fancy pants with. With baggy socks and a pant and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A real lower half that falls apart. Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

That you have to show to a girlfriend who's not even going to sit. See you that day. Yeah, but she still needs to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

How are you representing us?

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's notes on the street. Always notes.

[Pete Holmes]

I bought. I'm ready. Are you ready for something to get better in your life?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

This is like. I'm hot on this tip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's go.

[Pete Holmes]

You go on Amazon.com, you look for a projector. Wait, wait, wait.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My nipples are hard already.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're anything like me, you're like projectors. What am I, a swinger? You know what I mean? What do I have a shag carpet?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta bang my neighbor's wife now.

[Pete Holmes]

Now I'm gonna have to fuck my neighbor's wife. Cause you gotta fucking project with the three colors. Red, yellow and blue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Don, I got a projector. Is Lucy around? You can have. Sharon. We're doing this.

[Pete Holmes]

The projector is the hot tub of the indoors. It is, yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like a barrel.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the kind of life I have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the massage chair. Projector. Cigar. Humidador. Humidor. Anyway, so I resisted projectors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, what am I that kind of guy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I get it. That's where I am.

[Pete Holmes]

You're going to want to get a projector. Here's the whole kitten cabood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

If you go on Amazon.com. it's a website run by a normal guy or Jeff Bezos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A normal guy. A fine guy.

[Pete Holmes]

A fine and normal guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A regular guy.

[Pete Holmes]

So maybe, maybe, maybe go to Best Buy. Cause I'm sure there's some.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Pa. Little shop called Best Buy.

[Pete Holmes]

Us, we run a place called Best Buy. I remember when I thought of the idea, I was whittling, and I was like, what do you want? When you buy something, you want the Best Buy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we make high promises now.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to go blowing smoke over here, but we have the Best Buy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, projector, huh? So you want to bang my wife? We're open. You're gonna make what you call a projector hole. But it's not for this. It's to bang the neighbor through.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me tell you, you buy this projector on Monday, on Tuesday, you're fucking your neighbor's wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let your wife know the new chapter.

[Pete Holmes]

Let her know one of the unlisted features of this projector, much like a Best Buy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

During the day. She's open for business, and she will have it.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna take it all the way to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a lot of paperwork with this machine. You're talking about a whole new life. Lubes, robes, rugs.

[Pete Holmes]

Mustaches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mustaches. You're gonna need a blowtorch lighter. Don't even ask why.

[Pete Holmes]

A decorative handgun. But it's real.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those matches that are super long, probably for your incense. You'll need a holder. Come back here. This isn't. You need this. We don't even sell half this stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Those really? Really? You buy this projector, you're gonna need a lot of really long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know those crazy long matches that are totally. You're gonna need a bunch of those. There's a guy laughing all the way to the page.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who needs to hold a match for a half hour? Walk me through the pitch. They exist. They do. Well.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you tired of burning your fingertips with a regular match every time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You light a match? Do you think, I wish this went for another hour and 20. We've got the swap for you, guy. Oh, that's right. They won't even. They don't resist the wind any better or anything like that. They're under the same parameters as a regular match. These are called prayer matches. Light one and hope. No, if it goes out, then it's just a long stick.

[Pete Holmes]

No one, no one has ever seen one of those burn past the halfway mark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why would.

[Pete Holmes]

Never. Who never?

[Gareth Reynolds]

First of all, lighters exist. Secondly. What, What? How many things? I mean, is it church?

[Pete Holmes]

It's for the fireplace, isn't it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even then.

[Pete Holmes]

Because the swinger wants to go like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you grab it at the end and you go, you know, you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Throw it in, bang your neighbor's wife and come back and it's still going.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. But even for the fireplace.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you're a swinger, be real. You have one of those one button remotes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep, that's what I'm. Yeah, for sure. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You start having sex with many wives.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You get one of those in the mail.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you don't even have to order.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. It's like the post office. They just give it to you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like it's on the new line.

[Pete Holmes]

You're AARP magazine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And here's a wallet chain.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's a wallet chain. And you know, good luck, good luck out there. Get ready, get ready. Hope your knees are sore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How's the projector guy?

[Pete Holmes]

A projector is this close to a very large aquarium inside.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's true. It's very close to lava lampy.

[Pete Holmes]

Lava lamp, massage chair. I would never have, I could need. If I sat in a massage chair and was like, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Like, I loved it more than anything. I would never have one in my home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I agree. Never.

[Pete Holmes]

You're sitting there and I'm like, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's that you want a beer. Not for company.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not for company. But it's also. It's like. It's like you're cheating on your wife kind of. There's just like 1%. You're in a throuple with this chair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Well, it's when you turn. When you start going crotch down in it, that's when it's like.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know, you do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What about the ones that squeeze your arms? You put them under the rest and they kind of compress your arms.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not into that either. No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Or the legs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You Know what I've started thinking and then I want to hear about your projector life. But this is where I also think swinger time is a sauna. A home sauna. But not like. Not one where you're like saunas for swing it. Not one where like a guy comes over and builds you on like one of those ones that you find on Instagram.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like a standalone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like a standalone Foil Hut. And they're just like, hey, burn yourself for an afternoon. You'll sleep better. I'm like, right, I'm teetering. I need someone to intervene and tell me to Not Gary, because where am I gonna put it? That's the real thing.

[Pete Holmes]

There's real rub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's not a place that makes any sense.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it used to be right where we are. When I lived in this house, there was a sauna right here. Because there's a 220 volt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Look at that. See that? See that? That's a 220 for the sauna.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're gonna need one of those.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm gonna tell you something. I'm just gonna show my entire hand. My house is the most Are we swingers house ever. Because I have a hot tub which is just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, you wanna.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't worry. The filter gets the jizz.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nah, that's right. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How's this on jizz?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't tell when Larry came because of the bubbles. Yeah. That the hot tub is perfect for that.

[Pete Holmes]

The honest person on a hot tub showroom just goes, how's this on jizz? And if anyone gives you a beauty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of a hot tub is when the bubbles are going, it always looks like there's jizz in it. So you're gonna be able to nut in this a bunch and no one will know.

[Pete Holmes]

We call that the fog of the tub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is called. It's tub fog top fog.

[Pete Holmes]

You can be an early jizzer or a late jizzard. No one will know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That whole layer there looks like cum. And by the by, it very well might be, but they'll never tell. It always looks like a frothy load got shot. So you can bang your neighbor's wife. You could whack off in these things.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's say the neighbor's wife isn't up for it. Get in the tub, solo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get in the tub, solo. Do your business.

[Pete Holmes]

Those jets go both ways.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't worry, don't go under.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, back to the life changing. If you can somehow get over the fact that owning a projector is fucking laser disc adjacent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of projection with the projector from us by the bye.

[Pete Holmes]

Like we're projecting a lot onto it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. But I think that's okay. All right, so get over the laser disc.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna. Yeah, the. You know the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The guy that has watched 2001 like this.

[Pete Holmes]

It looks like a vinyl collection, but they're laser disc. He's like, this is how. And you have to swap them because there's too much data.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, right. You gotta flip it or so. Yeah, right. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're flipping Terminator.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's gonna feel like you're on Mars until. Till the 90 minute mark when I gotta flip it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so funny. My friend Oren Brimmer, who I love very dearly, he's like, people are like, video games are better than movies. He's like, yeah, they're very good. But don't forget that. They're like, you need to be going into the mountains to find that gold. Press X to continue story wise. Rotate the L stick to see the map like that. You don't have that in movies. Tap the triangle button to draw your sword.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want to save your guy, he's.

[Pete Holmes]

Marked on your mini map.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But when did you get the projector?

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, here's the bit free thing. Do you have a wall?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You better believe I do. Where the sun is gonna be. Yeah. Okay. I got a wall.

[Pete Holmes]

If you have a wall.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how big your TV is. Yeah. That's how big your TV could be. And here's the. The where it's a real. I just broke. There's a real tip. Nobody wants 1080p projectors anymore.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What does that even mean?

[Pete Holmes]

That's a right. What does that even mean? 1080p five, six years ago was like, everyone's like, holy. It's 1080p.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's like the compression of the resolution. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, now it's 4K.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But because it's 4K. People who don't give a fucking shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

People who are honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Who don't fucking want to see every line in the face of the newscaster.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Can watch it. Fucking 1080p is dope. Yeah, it's fucking dope. You got 200 bucks, you got a wall. You got a home theater. The end. And the end.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And how did you. And how did you stumble? What was your gateway into this world?

[Pete Holmes]

I made Val a video. This is a weird husband flex. But I made her a Very awesome kind of artsy video.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is your ex, who you were married to before we started the podcast when you took your ring off.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, Right. Let me put this back on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you're back. What a run you had, though, buddy. You really.

[Pete Holmes]

I couldn't do that hot tub riff about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

If I was married. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She'd be fearful.

[Pete Holmes]

No, she'd have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She'd have every right to be.

[Pete Holmes]

She'd ring me up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she would.

[Pete Holmes]

She'd ring me up. She would ring me up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right? Ring me up.

[Pete Holmes]

I've seen pandas wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, and banana's wrong. That really reinforced my fear over AI I've seen.

[Pete Holmes]

I've is wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've.

[Pete Holmes]

I've.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've.

[Pete Holmes]

Clive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Clive.

[Pete Holmes]

Clive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't even.

[Pete Holmes]

I've.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've. Clive. What a banana.

[Pete Holmes]

Is there a more British sentence than clive, want a banana?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The chat GPT was like, I want Pete to stop talking to me.

[Pete Holmes]

I think we have beef.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Banana.

[Pete Holmes]

She was wrong.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Beef is closer.

[Pete Holmes]

Beef.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Beef. Beef better than banana. What was she doing? How dare she.

[Pete Holmes]

What's great is I won't be rude to Jet. GPT. But you could get back on that and be like, no. What do you think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. That is the first time I've actually heard it used, and I've never engaged in it.

[Pete Holmes]

You got to try it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want to.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry. You don't have to try it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I will.

[Pete Holmes]

It'll make you less scared. Watch this. Okay, I'm sitting with podcaster and comedian Gareth Reynolds. What's a fun question? I could ask him. No, she'll know. Don't worry. Don't you worry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You should do your ads while she thinks.

[Pete Holmes]

How about, what's the weirdest animal fact you've learned that you wish you didn't know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Knowing Gareth, that could spark some hilarious conversation.

[Pete Holmes]

Would that fit the vibe? I think so. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, wait.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you do animal facts or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I. And I'm big into animals.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I know. She really was. She's like. That actually worries me now.

[Pete Holmes]

No, don't be worried.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a good. That's a good prompt, buddy.

[Pete Holmes]

You host a pod. You ever want to do some sloppy research, just get in there with Chad. Chip it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, geez. Yeah, there's a lot of good. She's right.

[Pete Holmes]

What's a weird animal fact? Do you have one?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, God.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know a lot of animal facts?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

All right. What's a weird one?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what I just learned about the other day? Was the turkey vulture.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just picturing a vulture with the plumage of a turkey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

At some point, a vulture. They were all like, hey, he's gonna go eat that turkey. And they were like, jesus, Harry. And he's like, you know, wait, it's a vulture. It's a turkey. So it's some. It looks like a turkey.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, wait, I'm sorry. Did it. Vulture a turkey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's my. That's my. My little.

[Pete Holmes]

The vulture has a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'd have the answer there, if we want to know. But I think that, yeah, one day a vulture was like, I'm actually gonna. At first. And then they were like, it's gonna pull through. And he's like, oh, shit, it's pregnant. And it wants to keep it. And, you know, so then it. So then we have a turkey vulture. So then enough turkey vultures are out there. So a turkey. Sorry, I can't support what I just said.

[Pete Holmes]

You're saying the best thing that's ever been said is that there was a turkey who was dying?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So the vultures came.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then one of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One of the vultures really came. Yeah. One of the vultures was like, before.

[Pete Holmes]

We do our thing, just give me a minute.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then someone was like, looks like it's gonna pull through. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he was like, wait, what?

[Pete Holmes]

And they have a code where they won't kill something. Well, they just want things that are dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So they're like, well, I guess he's okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's pregnant. And then the turkey is like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The vulture was like, jesus, hold on. I got to go talk to it a little bit. He said, come on. It wouldn't make any sense.

[Pete Holmes]

It's going to be a turkey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the fuck is it going to look like? What are we going to call it? A virky? A tolcher. This isn't going to work. And it was like. Boy was raised to think that every life was important, no matter how.

[Pete Holmes]

It's religious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's religious.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's a religious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Howard got here.

[Pete Holmes]

It's part of God's plan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's like, hey, come on.

[Pete Holmes]

It reads, horton, here's a Hootie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're gonna have. You have to raise it on your own. I'm not gonna be able to bring guts over all.

[Pete Holmes]

Every week and stuff, a Lawyer gets involved. 50% of the guts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, come on.

[Pete Holmes]

50% of the guts. 50% of the guts have died in the desert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy.

[Pete Holmes]

And she's like, I believe he has a stash in that cave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What the fuck?

[Pete Holmes]

I showed you that in confidence.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shouldn't have fucked you in California. Why don't I pay you in New Mexico? You get 10%.

[Pete Holmes]

Now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now I'm dropping guts off for this kid I didn't even want. You looked like you were gonna die. I'm Aquino.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry to disappoint you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You think it's easy for me to.

[Pete Holmes]

Find other turkeys now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a weird way for it to go. Oh, that's it. I'm only eating them from now on.

[Pete Holmes]

Why couldn't I have a near dead turkey in New Mexico? Oh, you think it's easy for me out there?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not easy for any of us. I regret what I did that day. It was a dark time. Good Lord.

[Pete Holmes]

You're making me laugh so much. I'm wondered. Like, I have to. I think I should get a physical. Like, I'm like, why am I coughing and sweating?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can check you out.

[Pete Holmes]

Could you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me ask you that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How old are you? I don't want to answer that question. Let me get. No, I'm not. We're the same age, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we? Have you had a colonoscopy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just canceled mine like, a week ago.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I had to barely get it off. I'd barely been in town. And, like, I only had, like, five days in town, and one of them is going to be spent prepping for a colonoscopy and the other doing it. And I was like, I'm going to push it.

[Pete Holmes]

But you are going to do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I've heard the drug they give you is fantastic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Amazing. You haven't gotten yours?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you? I'm 45. What are you?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm 45.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I thought.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought you were.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're you.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not trying to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, look, stop.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought I would have believed. 30.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would.

[Pete Holmes]

35.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would go with you. 35. Really? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You think I could pause?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, you think I could go.

[Pete Holmes]

In front of people and be like, hello, I'm 35, and they wouldn't all just laugh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do. And let me tell you, the problem with you is you've been famous for so long. So when you're famous for that long, we know you. You always couldn't be 35 because you've been famous.

[Pete Holmes]

You couldn't be 35. Your career, it's like, Michael, Michael Kain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Maggie Smith has been old our whole life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you, I think, physically appear way younger than you are. But keep in mind, when we first watch Pete Holmes. You look like you're nine.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you look baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So young when you start. But we know you're an adult, so, yeah. It throws you off.

[Pete Holmes]

I like this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you've been famous for. In a good way. You've been famous. I like all of those where we think, oh, well, we've known Pete's been.

[Pete Holmes]

Around for too long. You think he has to be in his 40s, broke when he was 18.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or nine.

[Pete Holmes]

Nine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And those first Pete Holmes bits.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, my social are wonderful. My social person, Jake, who I love very much, he posted the clip from my second Conan. And I just done a juice fast. And I was like, 30, and I was like, jesus Christ, you could cook a marshmallow off that kid's glow. And I looked at it, and then I looked in the mirror and I was like, I look like this kid's parole officer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Also, the problem with doing stuff for so long.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Is seeing is there's a record.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But my first Conan, I look like I ate the kid in the second Conan. Like, I'm real big.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, that's what these aren't.

[Pete Holmes]

These are. Okay. Riffs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If this would be.

[Pete Holmes]

If it's you, go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, this would be my recommendation. 20s, go fat.

[Pete Holmes]

20, 20s, go fat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be fat in your 20s.

[Pete Holmes]

That's your 20s years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be fat in your 20s. Do it maybe till you're 32, then start shrinking. It's like my friends who went bald when they were 20. They look the same. They looked old at 20.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now they look like they haven't aged in 20.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got it out of the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You go fat in your 20s, and then you could spend your life kind of getting skinnier, and then that is going to help you with the. Oh, you look good.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not. For a while, Jonah Ray was there. I don't want to use the body shame fat word. I'm just saying he was happier fat. You can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I was fat.

[Pete Holmes]

He was a fat. No, but he was. He was a heavier person. Now he looks like a. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now he looks like he owns, like, a surf shop.

[Pete Holmes]

He looks like he owns a surf shop. And he looks like he knows Jason Statham.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like he. He's like, yeah, I box with Jason.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I thought you could say, I bought Jason Statham.

[Pete Holmes]

I bought a Statham.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, then it's like, what you need from me now, Jonah? All right, what you after? Easy. Jason. Not now. He's in the sauna Hulk. Jason, you stay in there. A little. Fucking dining here.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you imagine how small the towel Jason Statham would use in a sauna?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the one in the hotel where you're like, people use.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. He's got that wrapped around his waist.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're right. In China.

[Pete Holmes]

All of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Sorry. It's a bit bushy. The sauna frizzes. Go on, then.

[Pete Holmes]

Sauna makes my bush a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's popped out. It's frizzy. Fizzy.

[Pete Holmes]

Chase he's got. He looks like he owns Jason Statham.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I bought him. I bought him, and I'll be honest, he wasn't that much.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is salty.

[Pete Holmes]

What if you went on Cameo and Jason Statham was like, five bucks? Ugh. Do you ever get a little sad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On the I part of.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you on the camera? No, I'm not on the cameo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not on it. And I don't shame anyone.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't shame anybody, but I do drag my feet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also think it's weird to be like.

[Pete Holmes]

I just want to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd be like, 25. I'd be like, it feels weird.

[Pete Holmes]

It feels ick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I'll end up on there when everything falls apart. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why neither of us is closing the door.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I'm like, oh, I could do Cameo as Batman. And then I'm like, a little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a. That's a good twist. I think you can. You could do that. And here's what you do. You start off and you go, this is for charity. And then you just slowly stop doing that. Take that off the profile. That's how it starts.

[Pete Holmes]

That is so funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's how you do it.

[Pete Holmes]

That is so funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Start there.

[Pete Holmes]

You start, and you're giving it all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So going to Children's Hospital.

[Pete Holmes]

Children's Hospital. And then one day. It's not on there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yank it. You know, it's like how you break up online. You never go like, this ended it just. Your pictures don't have a person in it anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes you're still in there. Yeah, I. I've. I've caught myself scrolling through an ex's photographs, and there we are. And I'm like, pardon?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, see, I am. I've been. I was single for so long, and then I've been private for. For as long. Like, I don't let.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no, no. Personal info.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very light.

[Pete Holmes]

No, my. My. My Facebook and all that. I mean, people can find it, but I. But I'm not. I'M not posting vacay pics. That's. That's just not what the pages.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's. It's like. It's weird to me. I have an inability to do it. It's like my whole. Everything I have out there is just basically like. Even if it sucks, it's like, it's crowd work. Shut the fuck up. Like, it's never me. Like, great lunch with Tony. Like, I can't. I can't do that part of it, but it's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fucking Robert Downey Jr. Great. Landry. Tony.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? Great. Son of a. Statham. Oh, I'm dying. Quiet, Jason. Yeah, I just don't do that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not your jam now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think, like, it's. I don't know. I think that it. It's so weird how long you've been married for. What?

[Pete Holmes]

We've been together for 12 years. Yeah, because I was just talking to somebody about that and I was like, that's. That's a long time. It doesn't feel like it's been that long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're established in a thing. Yeah, long enough. So you're kind. That, to me, makes more sense. You have, like, a family. You have more. My life has been so oddly solo for so long, and it's like, yeah, now I. Now that I am dating someone. She is not. She doesn't really give a shit. She's not like, get me on there, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So that's a good sign.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's great.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a weird sign.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's great.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw. Where did I see? I don't want to shit on somebody. Oh, Ricky Lindholm had a joke about. She sang a song and Ricky. No shots here. I just thought it was an interesting perspective, that the song was about how she's mad that her boyfriend doesn't take more pictures of her. And I was like, again, full respect to Ricky. I'm just like, oh, my God, I didn't know how good I had it. And I did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But Val has never been like, why don't you take more pictures of me? Or, why don't you post more of me? And if she did say that, I'm going to say it. I'd be like, I just texted you something and it's divorced texting them here. It's a PDF. It's not a picture of you, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It does start with printed them. Hold on. The print.

[Pete Holmes]

You've been served.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That would be.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't handle that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you know what? I Sacrifice it for. I'll take pictures of her.

[Pete Holmes]

Her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, for her. For her social media.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And that is demeaning enough.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is a.

[Pete Holmes]

That's up there with holding my dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's terrible.

[Pete Holmes]

That told my dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She sent me a tick tock the other day on how to take the pictures better. And I was like, this is.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're dating a young woman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right now. I'm. We're not actually answering stuff about age. We're very excited. She looks very young, but we're actually not going to get into age specific stuff right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

That was great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Two mics. It becomes oppressor. I automatically shift one mic. I pod two. It's very deflecting.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No information.

[Pete Holmes]

Val just said something so funny to me where she was like, the worst part of murdering someone is great start. Right? Isn't the murder. She said this. I. I say that because I'm like, I think this is legit hilarious. Oh. And then I have a bet I want to run by you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't. I think it's so funny, but I don't know if it actually is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

I love you so much. She goes, the worst part of murder, because we're watching Bad Sisters isn't murdering. It's keeping your story straight. There's a cop that keeps being like, sorry, on Thursday, you said you were at the laundromat, but the laundromat's closed on Thursday. And you have to be like, yeah, I was there, but it was to use the change machine out front. And then, like, you skated by another one. I can't. If you were like, where were you yesterday? I'd be like, I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. I think. And it's also the fact that the. The idea that someone's trying to hunt you down for information is so stressful.

[Pete Holmes]

Second, you could say the wrong and you go to jail.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would just quit. Like, I've always thought that about, like, in the third act of a horror movie where the main protagonist is, like, fighting through hell.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To, like, win.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm like, I'd be caving by now. I would genuinely be like, this has stressed me out on a level. Cut my throat. I'll self cut. I. They would, like, the killer would find me and be like, did he cut his own throat? Because I'd be like, I can't.

[Pete Holmes]

That is ready to go. That is the funniest premise. But you know what I mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, I'll watch a movie Be like, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

I think all you need is. Now that I'm in my 40s, I realize that's great. That if I was being chased by a killer and you have to go through the haunted house and there you keep finding bodies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your friends are gone.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You can you open a closet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Finding your friends swinging people. You'd just be like, yeah, without. Yeah. There's. If it was, like, really writing. If chat. GPT was writing my thoughts, they'd be like, yeah, about page 70. I take. I jump off a building.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Or you flee.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You're just like, I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who's that? It's that chase. It's the chase through the woods. Through the woods where I'm like, I hear him. Like, that's when I would just be.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, this is too much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd be whittling down a branch or.

[Pete Holmes]

Come and get me. Yes, come and get me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I wouldn't even be able to handle that. Like, the hovering. I don't want to.

[Pete Holmes]

He's gonna walk. He's slow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Maybe. Like, it'll be like a sloke. I'm like, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll do close on your face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're like, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then we widened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I'm like, he's hooked to your stomach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So now I'm gonna go quick.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll just go like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, with a branch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Branch in my throat, pulling, like, little veins out. Like, it'll be graphic as she. But it's just. For me, it's like. It's like masturbating. It would be, like, gross to watch if anyone else was seeing it. But for me, I'm very comfortable doing it. I'm just sort of like. Like how I think carjackers work. How you. How you jump a car. I'm just going like that.

[Pete Holmes]

You're crossing wires and you start again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He jumps you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I actually feel amazing. I sound like rfk right now. I'm feeling pretty good, to be honest with you. I. I've never felt like my throat was more on fire, but I. The energy. I could run.

[Pete Holmes]

As you're giving yourself 80 to the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Neck, and my neck's open. I'm like, I could run a marathon right now. And then I die.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm dead forever. I'm dead forever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They find me in the corner. Be like, I really don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I think this guy stabbed himself. I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It might be a wolf. It's hard to tell. I mean, his hands are covered in his Right hand is covered in his own blood. So that's a. This guy may as well be a herring.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm dead. We've all been there where you eat something too much, you're sweating your pants, hate you all of a sudden, and you vow, I'm gonna do a detox. I'm gonna cut out everything fun from my life. But that doesn't work. Let's talk about something that actually does work. Peak Poor tea. I'm not kidding when I tell you this stuff absolutely changes the game. I start my mornings now with Green Poor P U dash E R. And let me tell you, it's like flipping a switch. I get this calm, focused energy that doesn't come with the caffeine jitters or that dreaded afternoon crash. It is clean, it is lean, gets in you and you feel fantastic. And after meals, black P is my go to. It's smooth, earthy, and leaves me light and balanced instead of feeling like I just swallowed a brick. And here's the kicker. Pu erh tea isn't just tea. It's fermented, which means it's loaded with living probiotics and pretty prebiotics that actually support your gut health. That means it's like a reset button for your microbiome and the science backs it up. The antioxidants in this tea help with digestion, energy metabolism, and even radiant skin. Yeah, tea makes you glow. Who knew? Let's talk about quality. Because these are wild harvested from 250-year-old tea trees. We're talking next level purity. They're triple toxin screen and they dissolve instantly or hot in hot or cold water, which I love. Being able to make an iced tea instantly, I've never seen that before in my life. But peak tea can be made in cold water. No tea bags, no steeping, just instant gut healing magic for when you need it most. Now, because you're a weirdo and you listen to this podcast, Peak is hooking you up 20% off. For life. Yes, for life. Plus a free rechargeable frother and glass beaker when you grab their poor bundle. This is an exclusive offer just for weirdos and Peak backs it up with a 90 day money back guarantee so you can try it risk free. Feel better in your belly. Get some delicious tea in your life. Lots of different kinds as well. I love the green and the black. Go to Peak Life P I Q U E life.com weird to grab yours. Now that's peaklife.com weird your gut and your energy. Well, thank you. We Are also brought to us by our friends at the Perfect Jean. You guys, of course I'm wearing them right now because I am always wearing my perfect jean because I hate hard pants and I hate pants that look like they're soft. Guess what? Perfect jeans are soft and stretchy. They don't crush your nuts. But they look like designer jeans because they are. They're designer jeans. They're built incredibly comfortable, but also incredibly well. The craftsmanship, the cut, the wash, everything about these. I've worn them on red carpets, worn them on dates. I've worn them in the biggest situations of my life. I've also just taken a nap in them because they're as comfortable as PJs. You might even forget you're wearing pants. Why are we still wearing hard pants? It's 2025, guys. Break into something that looks fantastic and is also comfortable. Just enough stretch, but you're not going to have a saggy diaper butt. Life is too short for denim that fights you every step of the way. These jeans move with you, whether you're chasing your kids, tackling chores, or just chilling like a boss. Over 400,000 old, young, big and small men agree the Perfect gene is just that. The perfect gene. Imagine denim so stretchy, it's yoga ready. Sharp enough to turn heads. That's true. And comfy enough you'll forget you're even wearing them. What can you do in a perfect gene? You can rescue a stray cat like a denim superhero. You can man spread during game night. That's. That's pretty cool. You can even break some hearts and pull some muscles on the dance floor. The Perfect gene has six fits. They go from 26 to 50 waist and lengths up to 38, which is perfect for me as a tall boy. Giving you 5,000 plus ways to find your perfect match. So go check them out. For a limited time, our listeners get 15% off. When you go to the PerfectGene NYC or Google the Perfect gene and use promo code no hardcore pants 15. All one word, 15% off. That's 15% off. New customers at the Perfect Gene NYC. No hard pants 15 or use promo code no hard pants 15. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard of them. Tell them at it was this podcast. Your butt and your nuts will thank you. Back to the show. You know what else is over because of TikTok. Remember in the 2000s or not that long ago, you would watch a show like mythbusters where they're like, yep. Do you think if you drive a Jeep. At the same rate as a Corvette. The Jeep will have better gas. Or actually, the real one would be windows down or air conditioning, which is better. And it's an hour show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And in the 2000s, we were fucking ding dongs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

We'd sit through nine commercial breaks just waiting for these two fucking dorks to finally be like, the data is in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Just.

[Pete Holmes]

It's faster to have the AC so wind up. And now that's a tik tok. It's like, which is. Which is faster? Windows down or air conditioning? It's actually air conditioning. And we're just like, thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

30 seconds.

[Pete Holmes]

30 seconds. And that was too long to waste on that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was just thinking this last night, and then I want you to give me the bit.

[Pete Holmes]

You're going to get the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was thinking this last night when I was watching a very interesting video with Noam Chomsky, and it was seven minutes, and I was like, buddy, you've gotta watch this all. And I was like, man, it's so long. It's seven minutes of one of the greatest minds of our time explaining the inequality in society and where he thinks it's headed. And I was like, just get to it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Could we speed this up?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we eliminate the pa. Like the way that they cut the pauses?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was like, let's go, gnome.

[Pete Holmes]

But. And the problem is, this is gonna be old man time. It turns out we don't actually want to know if the car saves gas with windows down or air conditioning. We wanted something to do, and we wanted something to, you know, just kind of experience. And now all we have is the data, and it goes right through you. You know, in the old days, you'd say, like, Chinese food. I don't know if that's inappropriate now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Again, I'm not gonna do. I'm not.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm real Big Jewish man in New York on Christmas Eve.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I said. I said, I won't even acknowledge a Jewish.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, they love.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I won't.

[Pete Holmes]

Chinese.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I won't do Chinese digestion.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway. How does Kung Pao. That's what you said. And you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yummy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I would never do that. I just thought of a. I just thought of Bob Dylan and Franco Mussos, though, or whatever the it' called. Is that what it's called?

[Pete Holmes]

Frank and Mussos?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Russo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Musso and Frank.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How did everyone like their meal? How was the ve. I said, how was your meal?

[Pete Holmes]

What if Bob Dylan was your Waiter. And then you turn around, how was the me? Cuz the fries, they are a changing. That's when burger can change their fries.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doing sweet potato fries this week instead of regular russet. Oh, really, Bob? Yeah. I don't know if you heard the phrase changing. Oh, okay. That's a long one.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a question for you. What percentage was Bob Dylan? Because I think he's a genius.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you think he was just noticing what was popular? Do you think it's possible that he was like, I could do whatever I want because I'm a brilliant genius? And he was like, you know, what seems to be popular is like, get off our back government or whatever. Do you think he was like an opportunist at all? I mean, nothing wrong with being an opportunist.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He. This is what's so funny about him is like, he even like when he's asked about those prolific five or six.

[Pete Holmes]

Years, I don't even know what that song's about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's like, he honestly is like, I don't know how that guy did that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like, that's you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I think that I put myself in a place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm a stranger there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I, I don't even think he could be opportunistic in that sense. Because he doesn't have.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because he was channeling more. I, I agree with that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And, and I think it, it. I think that all the time with, with the time we're living in now. Sorry, that was.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, he did voice that's gonna age. Poor ftv.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Katie, cut that out. Obviously.

[Pete Holmes]

Cut it out. Obviously.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, I think that like, now we're so starved for those sort of voices.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. Like authentic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Authentic to the time we're living in. To inequality and.

[Pete Holmes]

Why don't we have one? That's kind of a weird. I think we have some, but they're kind of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, I watched this. Well, I, I don't know. I definitely think it's really weird to watch people who you think could pull that off just kind of be like purely capitalists for everything. Sure. And even I would say there's they, there's the. Like with what Burr Burr was recently on Kimmel and he was sort of talking about like Luigi Mangio and like everyone was like, yes. Like so many people who feel like that is. Doesn't have a voice. I think it would be even in capitalism profitable to be like, hey, what's going on? Government, society would be popular.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I think people just are Making this play for right now, I want to make exactly that's appeal.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think that that that's why Dylan's so cool. He's like, oh, sorry, did that up your day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he was so popular.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it was so. But then. So I think that it was like.

[Pete Holmes]

I think Chappelle is close. Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I think you're right in ways. And then there's also times when you're like, bro, what do you.

[Pete Holmes]

I completely agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talk. Why. Why waste your beautiful voice on this?

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm sure people felt that way about Dylan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they probably did.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I know when he, like, plugged in an electric guitar, everyone was like, you son of a. Whoa. Yeah, because he was like, wait.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just seeing the parallels. I wonder. In the forthcoming. When Michael B. Jordan plays Dave Chappelle in the biopic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't even look alike. I'm just saying a great actor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Brings Chappelle and tells the story and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shows you the gear of.

[Pete Holmes]

They'll be that. Yeah, there'll be that phase. And then there was also the Christian Dylan phase. Phase where people were like, what? Yeah, there were phases.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, and then he, like. And now. I mean, now he's just like. I mean, he's great.

[Pete Holmes]

He looks like the jack in the deck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He really does.

[Pete Holmes]

He looks like the jack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that what he's doing now?

[Pete Holmes]

I think in the. On his mirror is a jack of spades.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he's like, how much longer do I have to sit for this? Quiet, Bob. I gotta call my agent, all right? Not now.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a question for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of Bob D questions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Katie, you can play too. Does Bob Dylan still smoke? No. We're getting chatgpt involved. Yeah, he has to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cigarettes.

[Pete Holmes]

He has to. We're asking. We're asking her. Does Bob Dylan still smoke cigarettes? We gotta know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't believe he does anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

Bob Dylan reportedly quit smoking cigarettes years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ago to preserve his voice.

[Pete Holmes]

So there's always been some mystery around his personal habits. Why were you curious about his legendary rasp. I love. You know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keeps the conversation.

[Pete Holmes]

No, she's brilliant. Remember when she want to get lunch? She was like, want to go get a bite by T E?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Should we have chips?

[Pete Holmes]

She wants to get chips.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get some chips.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Mother cheese board. I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even I'm pushing it. Sorry. Pete. Chat. Stop it.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's the bit, okay? Full context, which is cheating. I was high, okay. And I thought this was the funniest thing. And you'll know it has the flavor of a joke that you would make while you were high.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And my. My friends that were with me were also high, and they were like, I don't know. And I literally. What's that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's amazing for them to be like, we're not sure, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

They were not sure because we were all kind of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, is this because you're. You're right. You're genuinely like. It's not like you're riffing. You're actually right. You're like, would this.

[Pete Holmes]

I was riffing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I said, I think that could work. And I wrote it down and they were like, we don't know. And this is. This is where it gets really funny. I said, I'm gonna pull the professional card. This is funny. I said that. These are close friends of mine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Good for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get out of my house.

[Pete Holmes]

Good for you. Well, you know, one of my friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Put the projector away.

[Pete Holmes]

Musician. If he was like, that could be a song. I would be like, I can see it to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're a musician.

[Pete Holmes]

I would just. But look, I agree. I'm only telling you that I have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This conversation with the normies, and I don't mind calling them that. No, I. I think we have to evacuate.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't say Norby's. I love that you're guest ending my. But the reason I'm telling you is to give me a higher place to fall from. If this bit is truly unfunny, and we're about to find out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's see.

[Pete Holmes]

Because that is important. I'm also high and I'm like, I know. This is funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I was emboldened by the toxins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's the bet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a new great way of saying you're high.

[Pete Holmes]

Emboldened by the toxins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Me and my friends, we get together, we get emboldened by the toxins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've been emboldened in toxins tonight, son. Hello.

[Pete Holmes]

Bet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Put the toxins up your butt.

[Pete Holmes]

Why was it Dana Carvey? Little bit. I don't know why. I don't know why that seemed like Dana Carvey. Here's the bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's so funny that the White House, where the president lives is a house. They live there. That's their house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like this.

[Pete Holmes]

So every election, like we just had an election, new mattress. Like, you gotta move out the Biden mattress. So that means there's a four year mattress you can't. That's. I mean, mattresses last a long time. You're just tossing out mattresses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Every four years. And this is the part. Because you can't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You.

[Pete Holmes]

This was the part that everyone did laugh at. I actually think it's the weakest part. I go, you can't get the Clinton mattress. That thing soaked through like a tres leches cake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the. See, that's a hard joke. That's why. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a hard joke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The premise is great because it's a hard.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait. Here's the part that I thought was the funniest, but I actually think tres leches cake is the funniest here in my sober state. But when I was stoned, I was like, this is the funniest part. So when. If you get two terms, the mattress gets to stay in the White House for eight years. So really, when a president is running for reelection, the mattress is also running for reelection.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It could be part of the pitch.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, we don't want to throw away this mattress.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not going to put a new mattress in. That would be crazy. We just got this one. And even when you're being impeached. I did do that, but I'm saying, what are we going to do? Bring in for the VP or are we taking his mattress from his room and put. It's a lot of moving and it's a lot of work, and I don't think we really. I don't think we should have that much moving of mattress. That's what makes my pillow guy so interesting when he gets involved.

[Pete Holmes]

When he. When Trump lost to Biden. Yeah, you know, it. Maybe at one point he was like, come on, we just put that mattress in. There's a Donald mattress. That's my mattress.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want Sleepy Joe spending every day on that mattress. All he's doing.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you can't have Biden's carsophagus carcass. You can't have all the. All the dandruff and fucking skin cells from an old man. That one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You replace that without question, for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Now, here's another question, okay? Trump wins. He gets his mattress. Trump loses. Biden gets his mattress. Trump comes back with that mattress in storage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is what I think as he's leaving, don't bother throwing that mattress out. I'll be using it again real soon. Put it on ice.

[Pete Holmes]

You're going to want to put that mattress on ice. I'm going to be back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't Let Joey Biden probably was like, can we take the mattress?

[Pete Holmes]

He wanted it. Yeah, I want to sleep in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like some of the best sleep I ever had.

[Pete Holmes]

You've never slept till you sleep where Donald slept.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll sleep on the floor next to Donald.

[Pete Holmes]

Yo, could I hire Donald to sleep in there with me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I? I think. Come on, man. Sleep next to him.

[Pete Holmes]

Just. I just want to know Donald's near.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's not sleeping in the same room. He goes to bed at 6. I'm tweet shitting at 4:45am.

[Pete Holmes]

Please do it for America. Please just be in the room when I go to bed at six.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tuck me in, guy. All right, look, go to bed. You're gonna have an unbelievable night's sleep. Thank you, man. Good. Close your eyes. They've been closed all day. I thought so. I thought they were. Last time they were open.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. When you put Biden to bed, you go, keep your eyes closed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not gonna be an issue.

[Pete Holmes]

You're way out of line. Remember when Biden's last gasp of trying to be. Trying to be tough. You need to. You need to get to the back of the line. You need to. We're all waiting in line for a water fountain. You just cut in line with your friend. We caught you. Get in the back of the line.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Joe.

[Pete Holmes]

Joe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. The Ray Bans towards the end, I was like, stop putting him in those, please.

[Pete Holmes]

They just look like the gaps in a skull.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They just look like eye sockets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My God. Two black holes.

[Pete Holmes]

So do you think it was the same mattress, or do you think Trump got a fresh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think fresh ones.

[Pete Holmes]

Fresh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fresh.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fresh linens.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. Yeah, Fresh linen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fresh everything.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a waste.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I bet you I think of the rider that celebrities get. They. He has to be like. It has to be down to, like, Donald likes Charmin Ultrasoft. Like, oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

To the tp. Yeah. Yeah. Well, remember the button? Trump has a button for a Diet Coke button.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What about the meatloaf? Do you remember the meatloaf?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He fell in love with the meatloaf in his first term. He was obsessed with the White House meatloaf. He was ordering it all the time. Chris Christie came over for dinner when they were on, like, okay terms. And Chris Christie sits down, and Trump is just like, don't worry, we'll have the meatloaf. He was like, chris, you're having the unbelievable meatloaf.

[Pete Holmes]

Unbelievable meatloaf. You haven't had a meatloaf which is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chris Christie's actual nickname, which got confused.

[Pete Holmes]

Unbelievable Meatloo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Meatloaf will have the meatloaf.

[Pete Holmes]

This meatloaf will have the unbelievable meatloaf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's cannibalism in every metric. A loaf of meat eating a big thing of meat. Come on.

[Pete Holmes]

Now. Let me ask you this, Chris. Do you think they gave me a new mattress for my second term?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think?

[Pete Holmes]

What do you think? New mattress.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They probably like when he left the first term, they like hit it and just orange dust. Just sort of like cheetoed.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean. Like a, like a maid brings it out and they're hitting it with. With flat wooden bats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's so question. It could be like, how do you clean. Like if it is a clean mattress, you're going to want to keep that off each term.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, say it again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So like Clinton, we're obviously magic. Shelling off. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a white coating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You hit it with a small hammer. Like cracking a hard boiled egg. Cascades. And he's like, wow. I guess I just. A lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like someone yelling inside of a glacier. Jesus, this is chipping everywhere.

[Pete Holmes]

Run.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no. The Clitzicles flee. So you got that. And then you could do a run of the presidents. I don't know what would be. But Trump, obviously. The Cheeto dust. Biden. It would be skin.

[Pete Holmes]

I would sleep in a bed that Obama slept in without changing the sheets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would feel most comfortable.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. If Barry had been in the bed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Although you've got a active sex life.

[Pete Holmes]

Probably him and Michelle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. With respect. You mean Michelle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

With Michelle. Much respect.

[Pete Holmes]

I would be shocked if Barack Obama was cheating on his wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think he cheats.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think he does either.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I don't think he did either.

[Pete Holmes]

He uses that tunnel that JFK put in for the. For the ladies. He used that to jog in a lady tunnel. He had a lady tunnel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the vagina.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, cool. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. Hillary's lady tunnel. I love it. But he can't. He can't help but laugh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, wait, but, but that are the other presidents. Yeah. Other.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's another question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

George Washington. Dumb question alert. Ready?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

Did teeth sleep in the White House? Right? We had the White House for the first president because there was like a war going on. I feel like he slept in a tent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know if they had it. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't don't make me ask the robot. Katie, can you look up when. Who. The first president, please? The first president that slept in the White House.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, I know that you used to be able to walk into the White House for a long time.

[Pete Holmes]

You could just go in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There was no fencing or anything. You could go in and be like, this is bullshit. And he'd be like, sir, stop. You know, f. Ck you. You know, and you'd be like, oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

That's when the militias were a real threat. Like, you were armed. You could just over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Some guy was like, we got to put a fence up. This is crazy. Like, John Adams.

[Pete Holmes]

So fucking Paul Giamatti was the first president to sleep. That's it. I'm gonna need my own house. I can't be sleeping in a tent. The war's over. I want meatloaf and I want my own mattress. And I'm not drinking any.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't say it. You don't say it in a modern Giamatti. You don't say, I'm not drinking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't do Giamatti.

[Pete Holmes]

You imply it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You just bring the teeth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, yeah, I won't do that.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying it's good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't do it, but I'm doing it. I won't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

You won't?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You can't do gmi.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. You can't do Paul voice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can't do Dylan voice. You can't do J. Matti teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

So John Adams years. They'll get John Adams. Here's a fun one. Okay, I'm gonna guess that John Adams was the go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is where we really put ourselves on trial. Okay, this is.

[Pete Holmes]

Abraham Lincoln was what, the seventh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, this is a night.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I. I thought he was the.

[Pete Holmes]

Fifth because he's on the five.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me context. Honest to God.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm being real.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not joking.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not joking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Well, they did Washington on one. But here's the problem. 16, nuts.

[Pete Holmes]

Everyone was screaming at their rape, but What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's like, 1850 ish. So again.

[Pete Holmes]

He was this. So when we had Abe Lincoln, there had already been 6, 16, 15 other presidents. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Losers.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Losers.

[Pete Holmes]

Losers. Nobody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nobody's.

[Pete Holmes]

They're not even on a Tuesday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Lincoln.

[Pete Holmes]

And everybody else, it goes, Washington, Lincoln, fdr, me. Bingo, bingo, bango, meatloaf. Eat it, Chrissy, eat it. I want to watch you honk it down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He'll have to.

[Pete Holmes]

He'll have to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't tell Where Chris stops and the meatloaf starts that, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

He does this with Chris Christie. Trump orders him the meatloaf and then he goes, he'll have an end piece. And he pets his belly. He'll have the end piece. You know, he does that. I didn't even like doing that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let him lick the ladle.

[Pete Holmes]

Let him lick the ladle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

However you mixed it.

[Pete Holmes]

Mama wants to lick the ladle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He wants to lick the beaters.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you have the beaters for the dessert? Cause he's gonna lick em. Chris. Chris. Nine times out of ten, you're gonna find Chris in a pitch black kitchen. You turn the lights on, he's got his tongue in the beaters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's caught. You're just gonna see a bottom in the air and a couple legs kicking inside of a deep bowl. This guy's like a raccoon for leftovers. He's a trash panda. Or a panda, as they'd say in Great Britain. He loves the banana cream pudding.

[Pete Holmes]

Trump doing a British accent. Great to be here. Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly. Quite an honour.

[Pete Holmes]

It's honestly great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've loved every minute of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Biggest Ben. It's a huge Ben from the time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've got on our face. Air Force bloody one, mate. Unbelievable.

[Pete Holmes]

It's an aeroplane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a shock.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a shock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't believe the Beatles made their appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show a long time ago. I want to hold your hand, they said. But it's not their hand, is it? It's not their hand at all. There's something else you want to hold. I said it on the Access Hollywood bit. I made a mistake. I made a big mistake. I said, grab them by it. I didn't mean it.

[Pete Holmes]

Grab them by the fanny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Grab them by their fanny. Their front bum. I shouldn't have done that.

[Pete Holmes]

I shouldn't have done it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was a mistake.

[Pete Holmes]

When he's so British, he apologizes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoopsie daisy.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoops. Whoops.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't take that back, but I wish I could.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. He's on all the chat shows. He's in the room, he's on Graham Norton. Billie Eilish is sitting next to him. I shouldn't have said it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're an unbelievable. You're unbelievable.

[Pete Holmes]

You are a talent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Billy with an ied. Now I've seen everything. I've seen it all. That is one of my favorite attempts to. To try to do like celebrities with.

[Pete Holmes]

Accents is so very fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So bizarrely, like, my brain is like. I did one on the Dollop. Once that was like. I think it was English Rodney Dangerfield. It was just.

[Pete Holmes]

This has happened before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, ran like once or twice where it's been like, put him like. Like in, like Italian Travolta. Like deep Italian Travolta. But to. This is what I was going to say about the presidents. On the dollop, like one of our first episodes, Dave mentioned Benjamin Franklin. And I don't remember what my wording was, but I was like, well, when he was president. And Dave's face was like, oh. And I was like, what? Like, I assume because he was on money. Yeah, yeah, he was a president. No, he was at our hundredth most likely.

[Pete Holmes]

The fact. I'm going to say there's a comparison to be made here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

The fact that Ben Franklin is on the hundred dollar bill and wasn't a president.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shocking.

[Pete Holmes]

Is like, what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's nuts.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like Sonic the Hedgehog is Disney now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really is.

[Pete Holmes]

He's standing next to Mickey Mouse because he's fast and has floppy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not in my America.

[Pete Holmes]

He's got carrot red shoes and he hangs out with a freak fox with two tails. And he lip, lip, lip, lip, lip. He's up in the air. What's he doing up there? I don't trust it. Knuckles. Knuckles is Idris. Idris Elba. Idris Elbows. Don't fuck with him. He'll elbow you right in the Billy eyelash. Sonic is not Disney.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And Franklin is Sonic popular.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's one other president who is an. Is on currency. One other person who's on currency wasn't president. And I think it's Hamilton.

[Pete Holmes]

Hamilton wasn't. No, Hamilton's on the 10.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Hamilton was never president. Right, but because he has a musical. Because he's got a wonderful musical. Lin Manuel. He was never president.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God.

[Pete Holmes]

But he was writing like he was running out of time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was too busy rapping. He was on the road.

[Pete Holmes]

He was freestyle rapping. And he could have been president, but he couldn't think of something that rhymed with I do take these vows. I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oath is a word you can't rhyme.

[Pete Holmes]

Oath is like orange.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like oats with a lisp. It's been cumbersome for those of us with normal tongue.

[Pete Holmes]

Oath meal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oath meal.

[Pete Holmes]

You ever shred up a document and add water and cinnamon? That's oath meal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got in trouble for making oatmeal in mar lager.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't put my hand on the Bible. Didn't want people, by the way, Smell the sizzle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was weird, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Don't smell the sizzle. Well, if there's anybody that would jump on someone else.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

For not doing that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. The conspiracy that would have come out of that. If Obama didn't do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Doesn't count. Well, he couldn't touch it because of the dark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It would burn the.

[Pete Holmes]

The Satanist. Satanic conspiracies I hear now are like, they need you to humiliate yourself. Like when Mike Tyson shut his ass. Remember when his ass. They were like, well, that's the satanic church. That's the. The oath that they're. The oath meal that they're eating is like, he has to humiliate himself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, you watch it. And I'm like, look, if. If Mike Tyson was like, I got. I gotta throw my ass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, he did it so beautifully.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was amazing. So naturally, it made me feel very comfortable with my ass because I was like, yeah, this is like a former professional athlete who's got a little. Yeah, he's got a dumpy.

[Pete Holmes]

He's got a dumb.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's got a bit of a dumpy.

[Pete Holmes]

My butt next to Tyson's butt. You pick my butt every time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would love to have the opportunity.

[Pete Holmes]

I would love to see it. Go to our Patreon page. I'm just kidding. If you want to see a picture of my ass next to Mike Tyson's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ass, that's the only thing on your Patreon. It's $8 a month, and it's. And it's just this picture forever.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's spelled P A Y. It's, like, wrong. I just bought a URL. Go to our Patreon. That's what I think Patreon is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You should have a Patreon.

[Pete Holmes]

Patreon. Well, that goes back to cameo. I would like to do that for people, but I wish there was a. Like, if they needed a Cheer up or a birthday or something like that. But I'd like to find. And I have. Like, sometimes I was just gonna email people a video or something, but, like, I wish we could. I can't. I can't figure it out. It would be great to be like, if you want to send back money, but it just feels so weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what you could. Because that's what I do sometimes is I go like. I'm like, what is the line? Because, you know, you're not on cameo for the reasons we talked about as well as you're just like, yeah, I don't really want to sit around and just like, bang. Make five minute videos that are just like. That's so hilarious that your thumb hurts. You know, like. Right, so what is. But what you. This is what I thought about doing was like, I'll do it for a month. Like, when I had, like a slower month, be like, I'll do it for a month. And I'm putting it all towards charity. Yeah. To like. And then animal fund, like, save the cultures or whatever. Yeah. And then. And then yanking the plug.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, and then you're done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then I'm done.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I, I. That.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But then you, you. The problem is that people will not the problem. But it's like, it's just like anything. It's like if, if you start doing that often, then people go, oh, he does it for free. And you know, it's like, I had one person be like, you make a birthday video for my partner. So I was like, all right, happy Birthday, whatever. And they're like, his name's pronounced this. And I was like, yes. I did, like, another take. And then there was like a third note. And I was like, I don't do three notes. I can't do three. I was like, I'm sorry. You got two close ones. So you got two closeies. That'll be good enough. I think that is so funny, you.

[Pete Holmes]

Know, Made me think of something, but I'm gonna keep it to myself. It's about Birbiglia. We both got asked to do a video and the. Well, now I'm just saying it. The reason he didn't do it is he's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like your way of not saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I'm just saying it. He was like, I don't want to do it. And I was like, why? And he was like, because with the Internet and AI, if you make a video, they can make it so you're saying anything. And I was like, there's enough footage of you. We can do that already.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're quite prolific.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, just say you don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Want to do it. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't have to be like, the AI Risk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's one of those ones where you just gotta back you. Okay, you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all I said. I was like, I'm not gonna push it. There's got to be a word for that. When someone gives an excuse that isn't right, you just know like, wow, they really don't want to do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you gotta. You just go like, it's like a safe word.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the safe word.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're just you're not really saying raspberries.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes, yes. You're in fear. Yes, I understand. You have a phobia.

[Pete Holmes]

You're living in fear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Living in fear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I definitely feel that where, like, there are times when you work with people where you go like, okay, yeah, yeah. I just gotta let that go.

[Pete Holmes]

Every once in a while you just have to go. That's just what's happening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you sing the theme song from Living Single as Trump? I feel like that would be a good one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't remember the theme song.

[Pete Holmes]

I do. Living Single.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can.

[Pete Holmes]

In a 90s kind of world. I'm glad I've got my girls. Keep your head up. There's like a rap part I don't remember.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't do the rap.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. I don't do the rap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not Left Eye.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not Lisa Left. He knows all of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not Lisa. Left Eye Lopez.

[Pete Holmes]

Rest in peace.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shout out. T. Boz. Chili. Try the chili. I'll do Family Matters. Or wait, no Full House. Whatever happened to respectability?

[Pete Holmes]

Predictability?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Predictability? Predictability or respectability? Hold on. I'm going to stop the people I know for a minute, cuz I have a thought on Respect.

[Pete Holmes]

And did Chappelle get in trouble for saying that Reginald, the guy who played Johnson or whatever, was having sex with Puffy, like, after, Remember? Did you watch the SNL monologue?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, in the SNL monologue, he, like, alludes to. He was like. He says, like, I saw it on the Internet, which means it's probably not true. But then he's like, but I don't know. And then he's like, somebody walked in a room and Puffy was having sex with the dad from Family Matters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh. And I'm like, there's an A story.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean run with that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. For Family Matter, that would be the ripple effect.

[Pete Holmes]

Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman. What happened to the milkman? He used to bring the milk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This guy. This guy knew Forgotten Milkman.

[Pete Holmes]

There would be missing people on it. Actually, the glass one didn't give a fuck about helping with any investigation. The glass one was like, I'll keep your milk cold. I don't want to. I don't want to get involved. Carton is like, I'll help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Carton's like, look, I'll be around for a while. This kid's gone. Help.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you help? Have you seen this kid? I can't even see him. I'm A carton. I look from the inside. I'm in a milky dark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I looked inside the cart for an hour and a half, one day. He wasn't in there. So I don't know what kind of prize they're trying to give you with.

[Pete Holmes]

Finding the kid on the Philip K. Dick book would be called A Milky Darkness. Oh, my God, I've been looking at a milky darkness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God, a milky darkness.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you know the Matrix is actually, actually based on a Philip K. Dick book called the Milky Darkness?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You shouldn't.

[Pete Holmes]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've heard me talk a lot about BetterHelp because I love talk therapy. It is actively improved, enhanced, and changed my life for the better. You hear a lot of people out there talking about red flags. Look out for these red flags in your relationships with your friendships at work, work, whatever it might be. We don't talk enough about green flags. Where are the green flags? The things that you want to have in your life? That's one of the things that therapy can cultivate and bring out and help you recognize in romantic relationships, in your friendships, in your work relationships. What are the things that we should be calling green flags and help increase and embody that green flag energy in yourself and identify it in others. Whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, it's time to form relationships that love you back. Let's get some green flags. You guys know talk therapy is greater than the sum of its parts. It's not just talking. It's talking to a trained professional who knows how to gently nudge you in different directions to bring out the best. Get over that codependence. Set up that boundary with that family member. Find that self love that says, yes, I deserve this, this and this, and I'm going to go for it. It is absolutely revolutionized both my life and Valerie's life. That's why it comes up so much on this podcast. And BetterHelp makes it so easy to start. It's fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. And you can access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a. Sorry, a wide range of specialties. And you can even switch your therapy therapist very easily at no extra cost. So discover your relationship green flags with better help. Visit betterhelp.com weirdo to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com weirdo we are also brought to us by our friend at Modern Mammals. Just the quickest little mention here. I hate shampoo. It makes your hair look like a tumbleweed rolling through a western facade movie set. Not even a real one looks like garbage. Your hair gets fried out. It's unruly. Modern Mammals is the only shampoo that I like. It's the only one that I use. You put it through your hair and it kind of feels like you went to the beach that day. It's got a little bit of control. It left enough of that natural oil in your hair to make it manageable and give it that sweet, sweet flow. Go to modernmammals.com weird to give it a try. If you anything like me, you will love it. And there's no going back. Modern mammals.com weird that is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, that's. That could go on stage as well, but that's not as. Yeah, it's a bit of a walk, but still.

[Pete Holmes]

Still. I'm not even sure about the mattress one, if I'm being honest. How I think it might have been best performed here today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. There's a lot of those for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where are you on new material now?

[Pete Holmes]

New material?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm looking for new material. I think I have about. I think I have about 30 minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I just filmed my new hour in Portland.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you just did?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, about three weeks ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow. Oh, that's where.

[Pete Holmes]

At the Aladdin in Portland.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, it was great.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it was. And it's great. We're actually editing it tomorrow morning. And, you know, towards the end of the tour, you start working in the new stuff. Yeah, there's a lot of, like, here's what I didn't know about stand up. But there's a lot of, like, record keeping for me. I didn't always do this, but you need to, like, have documents that say, like, what did you do last time you were in this city? And then you go, okay. And then you swap out some stuff and do the. The new 30 in the middle. And then you. So next time you go, you can't do that, so you better have a new. New 30. So there's all these, like, no off shoots. Like, it's like alternate timelines.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I'll listen and I'll be like, okay, yeah, yeah. So I can't. I'll. I. It'll be like, I'll be upset. I'll be like, jesus Christ, you've been doing this forever.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, and there's some of those too, where you're like, I can't believe I was doing that joke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or your bench players. Have you already used your bench players there?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying to retire my bench players. Because when you bring up a thing, you do an hour, usually there's guys that you call off the bench, and you're like, well, we need you again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

And there are certain jokes that I've done every time after my hour taping, and I'm not doing that this year.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're going all new.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going all new. And it feels so good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really is the best feeling.

[Pete Holmes]

I forget who said this, but it really changed my life. Somebody was like, if you're feeling stuck in standup, like, you just don't love it anymore. They were like, write a new joke and try it. And I was like, that's exactly correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That, to me, is, like, that's where. Because the gains you see in, like, that first, like, month or six weeks of, like, how you're making it better, even if it ends up not working. Yeah. You have a project, like, you have a little focus. You're like, I got this guy. I really want this guy to work.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep, yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you're like.

[Pete Holmes]

You get really excited, and then when.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He starts working and you're going, I.

[Pete Holmes]

Catch myself smiling for no reason. Like, in a good. You know when you wake up and you remember you have to break up with your girlfriend or something, or you remember that you lost your job? Like, you remember some bad news. Yeah, I have the opposite. When I have a new bit that I'm, like, excited about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll catch yourself smiling or thinking or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Going, oh, that bit. Be good.

[Pete Holmes]

Totally. And I want to write them out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I love writing out all the new bits and how I just. Last night, I was writing out how two jokes go together, and I was like, oh, my God, it's happening. And I'm trying something new. And I want to put this to you. Meaning, what are your thoughts? Obviously, I'm like, this hour, I want to have, like, kind of an intent for it. Like a flavor. They all have different colors and flavors. And this one is shaping up to be really silly and playful and really fun and pleasant to perform. And I'm like, I hope I can keep this up. Like, the hour I just did, there were a couple bits that I'm like, how am I gonna do this one? Like, there's so many. This is a brag, but there's so many parts. There's so much acting out or so much yelling, and I'm just, like, so on the last night of the weekend when I would do that joke. And on the new hour, it was Q tips and take off your shoes. And they were together and, boy, they're like frenzy jokes. They're like, I'm spinning plates. And that's the fun. This new era is very, like. It's more like just talking about it. It's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think, you know, what's funny is, like, when you get those more complicated longer runs and they kill. You're like, yeah, yeah. But when they don't, you're like, well, I was a lot of chatting for you guys to watch me drink water now. Because I finished that. That's right, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, and it's over. Because I've stopped speaking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Not because it was good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have one joke where I'm like. Like, I'll get like, either the. Like, go clap for him or like, we. You know, and I'll go. That applause I can tell is based on. You're like, wow, that monkey danced a lot for a banana. A banana. Like, Because I'm like, they're jet. Because I'm like, yeah, did a high velocity with a high rate for a while and you're.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you're really n it in stand up. If there's anything that's vulnerable and unpleasant, it's when you're in the middle of a joke that requires a lot of performance, a lot of words and a lot of volume, and it's not really working.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And, you know, normally I've got people with me here and you're not there right now. And then.

[Pete Holmes]

And especially. And then if you're me, and let's say it, I have some jokes about my parents or something. I'm like, oh, they're thinking I'm a bad son or something. Like, I have moments like that while you're like. Or they disagree with me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like. And Val is so good at this. She's like, pete, they were just taking a break. Or they were just tired or they were just as. Or you forgot to say this line and no one knew what the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You were talking about even then. Like, your level of like, yeah, what's going good or bad. Yeah. Is really. It's so diff. Like, it's like when you do. Like, I did a bigger room on my last run, like, because I mostly do clubs and I did, like, a bigger room and I was like. I tr. I definitely was like, don't talk about how you feel. Like you're bombing a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But a couple times I was like, talking about it. And it was just because the room was so big that the laughs leave, buddy, so quickly.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, in the big room, you felt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like you were bombing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, yes, I'll say that. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which you probably because you're. You're theaters only.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, I'm not theater only. I'm alternating all the time. In fact, the night before, before Portland, we were in Seattle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And where were you there?

[Pete Holmes]

I forget what it's called. I'm so sorry. But it's where the Even Flow video was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go.

[Pete Holmes]

And we watched that backstage, and we're like, I can't believe. I'm. I'm like, following Even Flow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. In your head.

[Pete Holmes]

In my mind. That's the only thing that's happened there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Even Flow. And then it was me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I really, you know, 90s kid. I couldn't believe Nirvana had been there and Pearl Jam. And I was like. Like, this is insane. So I was really into it. But that was about 1700 or something, which is really big for me. And we went out and to me, it's like you going slower. Hand in pocket. Try not to yell too much. And go slow and let them laugh. It takes a while. It's like drying your bed sheets. It just takes longer. Club is like you're hand washing a sock in the river. This is like I'm machine washing the fitted sheet. So you just have to go slower. But then we had such a great time, and we were like, holy shit. 1700 people is great. Like, they're really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Giving it up. Then we go to the Aladdin, which is, I don't know, 13 maybe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think?

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's less. I think it's like a thousand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And we were like, wow. There's a big difference. It felt more like a club in a good way, too, but I had to stay on top of them. I hope this is interesting, but I was like, wow. Even in a theater, you can still feel scrappy and you can still feel. It's not orating yet. At 17 under, I felt like I was orating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that is the punchline.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And there were enough people to carry it. Small theater, you can still feel like you're bombing and you have to, like, pick up the pace. All the tricks you would do in a club.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's real. It's so weird. It's like I do, like the clubs I go to. For the most part, I'm like, okay, yeah. I can, like. I can tell what's going on. I have A much better pulse of the room. Those bigger rooms. You start going, like, you. You. I always. Because I started stand up kind of late. So I watched stand up for a while, and I would always be like, why is this guy talking about how he's bombing? He's not bombing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, and I'd be like, don't do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Or, you know, you're taking a page right from my book. Before I go out, I'm not going. I'm thinking. I'm trying to think positive. Like, share a gift. Give laughter. Give, like. And then I'm also going, don't. Don't turn on them in any way. And the. The bombing to me is if I'm like, that usually does better in some version that comes out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's actually bombing. It's not silence. It's. I've gotten sour in some way, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's like, I. It's funny because I will do it from time to time, but it's like, if you do it too much, like, after the show, like, when I'm selling merch or whatever, like, people will. If people start going like, sorry about the audience, that's when I'm like, I pushed this way, too. Like, I was like. I was having fun.

[Pete Holmes]

I was, like, joking around about it to you again. Val is very good. They're like. They're doing their best. Yeah, you'll. It's so much better for me in those moments to acknowledge them in some way that shows that you're aware of. Aware of them, but not in a negative.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think that's always.

[Pete Holmes]

You can be like, you guys weren't sure about that one. Or maybe you were. I don't know. I don't know. You guys. Like, I have all these save lines where I'm like, you guys haven't been an audience before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

In this exact assemblage, you're figuring it out. And then afterwards, then they, like, really come alive because they're like, oh, he's looking at us. And sometimes I just say, you're looking at me. I'm looking at you. You're judging me. I'm judging.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did a show in Minneapolis a couple of weeks ago, and there was one fan, and he'd brought 30 people, and they were the first, like, three rows.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so it was weird because it.

[Pete Holmes]

Was like, yeah, you don't want them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It felt like an away game. And. And so I was like. I could tell they knew each other, that they knew each other, and that one guy Was like, this is the best. And that 29 people are like, sell us. And it was definitely, like, a good lesson in being like, stay in the pocket.

[Pete Holmes]

It's true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's a meditative thing. It's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Stay in your own truth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stick to the plan.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't. You know how on an airplane you're not allowed to congregate?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's like, not anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean like pre 9, everyone was forming clicks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Now everything's a cell. Pre 9, though, you could remember we'd have little clumps. You'd click out. Remember that?

[Pete Holmes]

Pre nine, I'm in the. I'm going all the way to the back, hanging out with the people that don't recline.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pre 9, I'd hang out near the shitter.

[Pete Holmes]

Pre 9, I'm just lingering. Pre 9, in first class, I'm not even up there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd use the front shitter. There was no flight attendant blocking the. I wasn't like, I was gonna go into the cockpit, Pete. I wasn't gonna go in the cockpit, but I liked knowing that if I want a Kramer in, I could.

[Pete Holmes]

Pre nine, you could go in the cockpit and bum a cigarette.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pre 9, you could go up there and you go, hey, can I sit on the pilot's lap and, like, fiddle around? I know it's on auto. Oh, now if the pilot's got to take a shit, God forbid.

[Pete Holmes]

Why did we have autopilot in airplanes before we had it in cars? That seems crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's great. I mean, it's.

[Pete Holmes]

I guess there's nothing up there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

Why no traffic lights.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're. You're asking a lot of. I mean, it was like. It's also the long stretch.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's a long stretch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think the pilots wanted us to know about how much the auto.

[Pete Holmes]

What I want no job security. I'd be like, well, there's a lot of. There's a lot more than just putting on the auto. We're talking, but they're up there reading Hustle. I feel like. I feel like pilots love pornography. I feel like they're into it. And they definitely have projectors.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy. It's just like, look, now you gotta bang Kathy. You know that, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Final projector thought. Get over the stigma.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Get one in the wall and you don't need a screen. It just needs to be dark. And now you're playing any video game, and it's the greatest thing you've ever done in your life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you have. You think I'm judging you, but that's what I would call projectionist. I'm really sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Like races?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no. Like, you're projecting. And it was a long walk.

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it for a minute.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For a moment. You were.

[Pete Holmes]

For a mintmento.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For a Mintmento.

[Pete Holmes]

Would you do it for a mint Mento?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me ask you this. Have you eaten Mintos?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've eaten. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But do you like them?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You like fruit Mentos?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me tell you something. I had a fruit Mento under two months ago. Get back in. I don't know what. I don't know what got you to leave.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I ask you something?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get back.

[Pete Holmes]

Skittles is out there driving a Ferrari. Mentos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on.

[Pete Holmes]

Is over at the Vons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, look, Skittles, you can dislocate the job. Mentos is like a slow, delicious cloud bite.

[Pete Holmes]

It seems like a medicine that heals on happiness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not going to push back too hard on that. On it being a little medicinal. On the Mentos having the vibe of. It comes in like an orange tube and you can't open it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a quality.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I will say there should be.

[Pete Holmes]

A safety seal on a mentor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't agree. I think. Get back involved. Try a fruit Mentos.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you?

[Pete Holmes]

When I say medicinal. No, no, no. I'm saying Skittles is out there, King Dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

And Mentos is like, I'm a huge Skittle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I relate to Mentos. Skittle. I relate to Mentos a lot. I'm like. I'm out here slinging delicious fruit candy.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody's buying Skittle tickets, okay?

[Pete Holmes]

You bring me in. I'm a fixer. I'm like the wolf, and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The Mentos people bring me in. Here's my fixes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You got to be fucking shinier.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Why is it so dull? Yeah, like this dull, pale orange. Yeah, it's like orange was dying, and it was like Mentos, and then it was gone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because this is what Mentos was like. Look, we don't want to put so much goddamn coloring. It's the taste.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Skittles was like, we invented a.

[Pete Holmes]

New blue, and new blue is winning all the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Skittles are just me accepting the award.

[Pete Holmes]

I want Mentos and I want it hard. Color, like the way you would paint a car.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want. Yes. Or you want the sheen, too?

[Pete Holmes]

Pow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want A slick.

[Pete Holmes]

And it could be a little bit harder. Pow, pow. I'm saying you can take your current inventory of Mentos and put the sheen and the casing around it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But they. But again, I mean, they're what? They're from Belgium, where.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean. You can tell there's something just like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There'S a guy like, but why would we do that? Americans. That would make no sense. It's like, look, they trust us.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Give it the Ferrari Glean.

[Pete Holmes]

There's something Italian cookie about Mentos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And when I essentially, potentially, I'm not.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, Italian cookies, that's like, what is this? Flour and nutmeg?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, why is there done?

[Pete Holmes]

Is there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have we finished? I think you guys put out a half done batch.

[Pete Holmes]

When you're a kid and you eat an Italian cookie, your dad's like, we're going to the best bakery in town. It's like a snowflake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you eat it and you're like, what's that? Sage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And then like the other option is like biscotti. It's burned. It's all or nothing.

[Pete Holmes]

When you have an American cookie. And is there anything. Look, I'm gonna say chocolate chip has lapped apple pie as the official.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Treat of America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Without question.

[Pete Holmes]

If you eat a fucking butter sugar chocolate explosion that's crisp and flat and you're fucking jizzing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you eat an Italian cookie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I agree. I think, you know, honestly, I like Thai food. I went to Thailand, I ate the Thai food. I was like, I hate to be.

[Pete Holmes]

This guy, but the Americans, you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Aren'T doing it right. You type where I'm from.

[Pete Holmes]

You Thai splaned.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I Thai split. I did, I did.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me tie explain this to you. Well, no, America takes a lot of cuisines and it's a lot of sugar. Well, we're putting sugar in the pasta.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I put that in. But I was like, even your consistency. Thailand.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, in defense of the Italian cookie, it is more subtle. An Italian cookie is like a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a book chocolate chip cookie. That's Netflix.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we like Netflix.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to be able to scroll on the phone and have them shout who everyone is four to five times.

[Pete Holmes]

An Italian cookie. You eat it and you have like a memory.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And you're like, yeah. And you're like, we should go for a walk after this. I want to go in a biscuit coma. That's what I want. When I eat a cookie here, I want to be like, oh, my God, I just yelled at my dad for no reason. I got a nap. Why did I just say fuck off to one of my parents?

[Pete Holmes]

You go on a walk after or you journal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You play some light piano.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm going to leave my phone inside and sit on the porch.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Watch the sky.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I actually have less dopamine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm less feeling good.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I ate real food.

[Pete Holmes]

It is. There's a sunset quality to an Italian cookie, whereas an American cookie is like, after you eat this all day, you're going to be chasing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm going to delete all my Spam.

[Pete Holmes]

After you eat a. Yeah, you're, like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Full of, like, a weird project.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Everything Americans eat is to motivate, asinine, banal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you go in the. It's how I feel about coffee.

[Pete Holmes]

I drink a lot of coffee. It was invented for people that are, like, looming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then I go, like, working a loom. And then in charge of the loomers. He's over him. He's looming. No, he's not. No, I mean, he's, like, leering.

[Pete Holmes]

Never mind looming over the loomers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's looming over the loom.

[Pete Holmes]

He looms over the loomers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who's the guy who's watching the loomers?

[Pete Holmes]

Have you. The supervisor of a room of people looming? You are looming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Speaking of loom room, you might be running.

[Pete Holmes]

You forget who he is. It's worse than we thought.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you're doing this voice with this premise, you might just be Jerry Seinfeld.

[Pete Holmes]

Jerry, me and Kumail used to do. You did colleges coming up, I'm assuming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it won't be as fun, but we used to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm aware.

[Pete Holmes]

Jeff Foxworthy. You might have a comedian on your campus. And we were like, if you see a guy in a rental car drinking a holiday in express coffee, rolling down his window and asking you where the student center is, you just might have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A comedian on your campus. That's so good. I. Okay, you. I had an audition once, you remember, on your campus. You might have leapfrogged this because you. Because on your show, you were. I know you like sketches, but how many sketch show auditions did you have to do?

[Pete Holmes]

I've never done a sketch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, because I think you leapfrogged it. So what I would. I would get a lot of them because I was doing a lot of sketch. So I'd get a lot. So I'd have to come in with my characters. Oh, and I had, like, my Fucking characters.

[Pete Holmes]

And then British Trump is a new one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

British Trump would be great. But I'm telling you, it's. It's a rarefied bomb.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're like in a room doing a sketch character. And these people, like, I hate the people are like, I hate sketch now. Now. And so you're like in a room. It's. Everything's. It's not ever going well. But the two best ones were. Okay. So one time it was for the blue collar comedy sketch show.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I came up with John Foxworthy, Jeff Foxworthy's brother. And he was just jealous of Jeff's career. So his was all like, if you refer to your mother's womb as a one hit wonder, you just might be John Foxworthy. So I had a similar adjacent one. And then this was the best one.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, he's acknowledging that he's the dud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. His whole bit is how Jeff Foxworthy's crushed it and he's in the shadow. Yeah. I thought it was amazing.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Roger Clinton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like a Roger Clinton Roger. Right. Yeah. I was just. Jeff Foxworthy's done everything. John is depressed.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I had like three or four of those and it just bombed.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you remember when David Hasselhoff ate the burger off the floor?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, of course.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Again, now we probably can't make fun of it, but back then.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, boy. Can you imagine?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We interneted.

[Pete Holmes]

We Internet at hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We had a good time.

[Pete Holmes]

We had a good time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Put the Baywatch theme under it.

[Pete Holmes]

I was on a. On best week ever at that time. And that was just one of the hilarious talking points. It was just like, play the video of a man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of a man being with a problem.

[Pete Holmes]

A big problem. We were like, where's Bodhi?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, some people eat in the darkness. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like free to choke on the next bite. I just wanted to play. What's funny is if you play this in slow motion, it's actually quite sexy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Play it backwards and he barfs up a burger. So I, I went in and out. It had just happened where he did that. So I thought, all right. For like my. Because I didn't have a third, fourth character, whatever. So I was like, all right, I'll just do David Hassell off eating a burger off the floor, intoxicated, you know, whatever. So I went and got a burger.

[Pete Holmes]

And you brought a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Brought it Wendy's cheeseburger. Because that's what he was eating. And I go, was it. It was.

[Pete Holmes]

Wendy's was like, we need to distance ourselves we have a little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We also have sober people eat our burgers. So just so everyone knows.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know Wendy's was, like, fallible. Like, it seems like it's like an eraser. Like, it's like a. You know how kids have, like, fun hamburger erasers. It. That burger was so, like, cascading, like, the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was validating for the beef.

[Pete Holmes]

It was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was like, we can chunk.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we can chunk. Tomato is a separate entity.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The whole thing is. It's actually been constructed, believe it or not. It can fall plastic bags. So. So I, like, get the burger and I go in and I'm like, all right, it's my. I'll do this at last. Because I was like, this is funny. So, like, just happened. So whatever I do my characters, I'm bombing at the sketch audition. And then I'm like, my last one's David Hasselhoff, and I took my shirt off, like, he did. And I. And I got down on the ground, and, like, the camera guy was like. Like, this is highly unorthodox. And he's putting the camera, like, towards the ground. And then I was just eating the burger off the ground, and there were, like, two or three people in the room, and they're all just like. And I was like. Like, we were saying, this should be killing by now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it wasn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Now you're just a guy eating a burger now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a man who came into an audition with a casting director who, like, kind of liked me, and I ate a burger off of her casting floor. And. And so I'm, like, eating. And I'm sticking with it. I'm like, could get funnier. Could get. It's bomb. Two minutes of bombing. And then one of them just goes, how is that David Hasselhoff? And I go, have you seen the video where he eats the burger off the floor? And they were like, no. And I was like, well, that. That's a huge component in this working. All right, let me just get the tomato out of the rug, and I'll be on my way like a lawyer who bombed a case putting papers in a.

[Pete Holmes]

Become John Lovitz, and I'll be on my way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I apologize.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry. It bombed. That's fantastic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was rare.

[Pete Holmes]

I had the first time I did stand up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth, talk to me, Peter.

[Pete Holmes]

Gareth, talk to me. So I rent out the Lyceum restaurant in Salem, Massachusetts, and I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the first time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And I enjoy. Invite 45 of my closest friends and family.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm sorry. Can. May I? You felt the confidence to rent a room.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm telling you, my friend, I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You headlined your first show in front of people.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I did the thing that if I had to perform for that audience today, I would be petrified. My parents are there, my professors are there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

My friend, every face in the audience is someone I know. Congregating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How old are you?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm in college. I'm 20. 21.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

2021.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you rent out a restaurant?

[Pete Holmes]

I ran out the top floor of this restaurant. I've been there since. It was crazy. Anyway, got the mic set. My friend Aaron, his dad, Dave Bonner gave me the equipment for free. No opener.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was just gonna ask. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

No opener.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who announces?

[Pete Holmes]

My friend Mark Fillion goes up on stage and we don't know what the fuck we're doing. Great name, by the way. Mark Fillion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's great.

[Pete Holmes]

Mark Fillion. Go. He looks like the Princess Bride, like the dread Prior Roberts. He's got the haircut like in Rudolph the Dentist.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He looks like that boy.

[Pete Holmes]

Mark Filing goes on stage and he gets dead serious in the mic and he goes. There are three cameras positioned around the room. Those are for Peter Holmes for audition purposes for local comedy clubs. Please do not obstruct the cameras. And ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, Peter. Peter Holmes. And I came out. Everyone goes nuts, obviously, because they're literally my dearest friends and family. Can't believe I did this. One of the bits that bombed. Some bits did. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. You're doing 45.

[Pete Holmes]

I did about 45 minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this is all just pre written, memorized like a monologue memorized.

[Pete Holmes]

Like much, much more memorized like a monologue than I do now. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of in the mirror bedroom rehearsals.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, great question. A lot of in the mirror. A lot of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because translating the. The at home cadence to the real. There is a.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't even have a cadence. I don't even have a. Yeah, there's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But there's like a. There's some. Like the actual process leaves. There's a lot of holes when you're in front of people versus when you're at home.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't even know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So basically it's like you're.

[Pete Holmes]

You're watching someone drive a stick shift Bigfoot monster truck who's only seen a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Video of a car.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm chunking and I'm stalling. Yeah, dad's there and my dad's there and I did. I remember My opener was like. I was like, how I started this, I don't know, but I was like, I'm six foot six, which is great, but it's hard to do some things. Like. Like, I can't hide. Like, I thought that was fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pretty good.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That was like, my strongest joke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's good.

[Pete Holmes]

But it gets stupider from there. I was like, 45. If some. I know, if someone comes in and I did the act out, if someone kicks in my door, like, I'm going to kill everybody I can see. That was. I did this joke for years. I was like, what am I going to do? I can be like, I'm a plant. I'm an exotic plant. Then I went, I'm an erotic plant. I put my arm up like a boner. Like, kind of half. Half doing it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

But then I would go. I could just stand really still, and people would think I'm a statue of John Ritter. That was like the joke. The lookalike joke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Did that joke for years. Did that joke on pretty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I've heard this joke.

[Pete Holmes]

This joke worked. It got better as I went, but that was the first joke I did. And then somewhere around minute 30, where they're kind of realizing, like, this kid's reading his notebook. He's doing every thought he's ever had. I don't remember much of it, but I go, listen to this premise, man. And feel old, because this is like, I was trying to write what I knew. And I go, you know, when you go to your friend's house and you end up staying for dinner, there's always kind of like a pressure to that. Like, the mom is. This is how I would say it. This is not how I said it then. It's almost like the mom is auditioning for you. This is so 90s. It's like, the mom. It's like, what do you guys eat? Like, impress us. But in the status dynamic, I'm the guest. You need to show me that you're a good cook.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very, like, Home Improvement. It's like a Home Improvement plot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So not. Didn't age great, but it was the idea that the mom is your family.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like, yeah, you are. You're a guest in their world and you're gonna. What do you like When I'm not around?

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And also, there's kind of. If I did the bit again, I would have stepped this out. And it's like. And you know, my mom is gonna ask, was Nancy A good recon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Did she do a good job? That's really. What's going on here, is I'm still so my mother's son that we're going to gossip about the cooking at my friend's house. It's all a very shaky premise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, it sucks. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I go, so I always do this thing. It's kind of Steve Martini. So I always would just, like, put the mom at ease. Be like, look, nothing fancy. You don't have to pull out all the stops. Just another normal night. And as I'm saying this, Gareth, I'm in my back pocket for my only prop cheeseburger. It's a lobster biblical. And I go, don't worry, nothing fancy. I put on a lobster bib as if that's the show stopping prop comedy of the day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll walk you through my flag in.

[Pete Holmes]

A minute, but I can't wait. All I want to tell you before I give you the reins, you got nothing. And then I'm wearing a lobster bib bombing. And I'm like, like, all right. And I, like, ripped it off. Like, you know, like, tore it. As I was, like, planning on reusing it, I got the lobster bib from Legal Seafoods, and I was like, I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Worked illegal with this in Boston. I was a host. It's. It's. It's funny and beautifully embarrassing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's. I. But I almost am walking myself off my note because fancy. High expectation in my head. I'm like, well, yeah, but lobster bib says specifically seafood, but lobster is considered the affluent meal. Yeah. So you're saying I'm expecting lobster.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that is very funny. That should have gotten more. But how great is it when something bombs and you have to live with the prop?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you live with the prop and you would have a lot on the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ground, like the burger on the ground.

[Pete Holmes]

If I was going to do it, I'd do it kind of like Vince Vaughn now. I'd be like, I always tell the mom, you know, like, relax, I'm just a normal guy. Just a normal night. Don't worry about it. Don't do anything fancy. If you do have some sort of sorbet in between courses, I'd love to cleanse my palate. Just something so I'm not tasting the. The appetizer while I'm eating the. Is there an app. I'm assuming there's some sort of. I love a buffalo wing. If you have a deep fryer back there, like, if you could get some sort of like three different kinds of wings. I love when you try them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Yeah. Oh, you know what? I.

[Pete Holmes]

But then you're, then you're stuck in that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The lobster bib. At least it's one and done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I see. That's tough, that I feel like that's good. What did you close on in your 45?

[Pete Holmes]

Great question. Couldn't tell you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you use this tape around town?

[Pete Holmes]

I sent it to the Comedy Connection in Providence, Rhode Island. They gave me a three minute guest spot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Based on the tape.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you went. Did you start going back? That's a great club, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

They. Yeah, I, I, I hardened towards that club. I bristled because I shouldn't. They were nice and gave me a guest spot. But then I went in the office. I've told the story before, but I went in the office and the manager, who didn't look up, she's like eating a Caesar salad or something. She literally goes, call us in six months, but doesn't say anything else. And I was like, yikes. But at that point, I was doing a lot of Sneeze material as new material. I had retired the hour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hysterical.

[Pete Holmes]

I was doing new stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was doing a lot of stuff. Sneeze stuff. Back then, the culture had leaned into, like, allergy direction. So I was doing a lot of Afrin Sneezy stuff. You know, big nose guy down the street. What's Big Nose Guy? Like at a party?

[Pete Holmes]

What's funny is, away from the coke. I had done Stand Up Again in. Sorry, what you said deserved more. No, I did Stand Up Again in college and I did it again, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sneeze.

[Pete Holmes]

No. I did another 40 minutes of stand Up. Rented a place, did it in the coffee shop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Now it's everyone I go to school with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're just.

[Pete Holmes]

It's insane is what it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

It's insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm insane.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's insane.

[Pete Holmes]

It's insane. It's a little unhinged.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. Well, it's, it's.

[Pete Holmes]

I like, everyone calm. I'm going to do Stand Up. And it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

The place was packed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See it. That's the. Being anonymous is very.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The key for the beginning of Stand Up.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. And I was like, no, everyone, come watch. Come watch me do my driver's test.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's crazy. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

So I had an audio cassette tape of that set.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And at one point, see, I didn't know this, but at one point they're warm. I kind of had gotten them laughing and I. In fact, I don't even remember doing badly at either of these shows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a good feeling about both of them, which I'm sure it wasn't great. Well, but I did this bit about sneezing and about how some people hold in their sneezes and all this sort of stuff, but I was on a roll. What had happened was I inadvertently got on a roll and now they're laughing more than the bit deserves because I had found a rhythm and now they're so happy and the bit works. And I accidentally said, well, I said thank you in the bit, but it sounded like I was saying thank you to them and thank you and they all clapped. So then I'm listening to the tape back and I'm like, that's a killer bit. I'm gonna do the Comedy Connection and Providence, but it's not a killer bit. I just was on a roll, you know what I mean? I didn't know the difference. So I'm like, I'm just gonna out of Nowhere in a 3 minute set be like, some people hold in their sneezes. And I'm doing it as the second time I've ever done it. It's pure death. Call me in six months. She was right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, okay, I. I get it. I mean, I do. I think, like, it is. It is like it. That's the thing, is that it's so. So where did you. Where did you get your. Where did you start rolling with stand up? Was that in New York?

[Pete Holmes]

Chicago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, what? Chicago. Oh, right, right. Yeah. And that was when you started crushing.

[Pete Holmes]

Chicago was the first place that I crushed, where I was like, okay, I'm gonna be all right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And did you do any. Did any of that material from set one?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I can't hide.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can't hide, Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Opener for hide.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then when I did sneeze. Ever make it sneeze?

[Pete Holmes]

Never again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Sneeze got burned.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. When you get burned real bad, I can't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, still talking about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm like, I still do the cheeseburger off the floor stuff, but just never caught fire.

[Pete Holmes]

What was your first bit that you did that you were like, oh, I have a bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was about my dad always on the voicemail telling me the time where I lived as well. So he would always go, like, he wasn't necessary for the time. Anyway, the voicemail did it. But he'd go, you know, he lived in Wisconsin and I lived out here. So he'd go, it's 12:45 here, 10:45 your time. And I'd be like, like. And then I just. So, like, that worked in its setup. And then I started, you know, it was like. Then he travels. You know, It's Australia. It's 11:15 here. It's a Wednesday at 1:00am Your time. You know, whatever. And then I go. And then he was in a wormhole. So then at the end, he was in a wormhole. And. And then. And so what happened was it started with, like, a weird time. And then, honestly, this is like, I took ayahuasca. And then, like, as I was done, I was like, I'm gonna put all of my experience into. So. So then he's.

[Pete Holmes]

The bit got updated with your ayahuasca trip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then he's. Then he was in space for the end, and so he's like, it's your dad. I'm caught in an intergalactic wormhole. I don't know what time it is. I'm actually. I could see the face of God in the stars right now. And he's bringing me closer, and he's letting me know everything is love. It's not even man, woman. It just is. And everything's love. And the connection between all of us. There's no space between us. It's completely invented. We're all one. If we do all of this 1:00am your time. Like, it was like that at the end. Like, so it was like a long run of that. But that was over years. But that was the first. That was the first joke was like the voicemail time.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a fan. What a great heightening of that joke. Very, very good. Yeah, I. It's funny that you say that. I just did ketamine. A ketamine sesh. And I kept going. It's. It's beyond yes and no. It's beyond one and zero.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's. It's this other thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Very similar to your bit that's making me want to. What did we talk about your ayahuasca last time you were here?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know. I don't think so.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think so either. But that. When you experience that, just to give you a launching off, it's like you realize you're looking at the whole thing. Well, Rupert Spiro, my favorite teacher, would say it's like we're wearing orange tinted glasses because we see and experience everything through the five senses. So it's like we see, touch, taste, smell, Here. And isn't it just a funny coincidence that our universe is everything? You can see, touch, taste, hear, smell. It's sensing and perceiving and thinking, because that's what we do. So it's like you can't see ultimate reality. Like white snow through orange tinted glasses. You'll only see orange snow. And when I was in that ketamine state, I was like, oh, it's like a joke. Like, trying to take this into the casing of five senses. And I. Because I. I even asked it at one point, I was like, it's all one. It's so love. I get it. I get it. I go, can't I bring it? Can't I have this when I'm, like, walking around? And it was like, that's not what that is. That's what it was like. It was like. It was like, it's sweet that you want that, but that's not what it is. Is that fun?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, and I completely relate to that. Like, I do think it's like, I. That was really what my first experience with it was, was I was like, to your point of five, it was like, oh, there's like another sense. Like, it did feel to me like, holy shit. There is another way of it. It's. I would. It felt like part of my mind worked in a way that had never happened before, and nobody really prepped me for it. Like, everyone was like, it's. It'll change your life. But I didn't really have any concept of what that actually meant.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then afterwards, I was like. It's almost like, because I do. I still take ayahuasca. It's. It's like we're saying with new material, you'll never see the gains like that again. That first session, the gains and how I perceived and existed after that huge, enormous. Everything was different. I got on a plane the next day to go to my grandmother's funeral. And I was like, I can't imagine being at an event like this and comforting my mother in the way that I am now without this. There was like. All of a sudden, it was like. It was like the Matrix where he knows kung fu. I was like, oh, yeah, I can explain where I think my grandmother is in a way that is not too spacey to my mother, but is also comforting.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And. And then ever since then, it's like. It's just kind of like reaffirming the stuff. But that first one was just like an explosion of.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't feel at all like you could have Warned me, because I. Like, I've never done ayahuasca. This ketamine trip was further out, but you can't even grade these things, by the way. I came back and I said to Val, I was like, that was the furthest out I've ever been. And she's like, more than 5 Meo DMT. And I was like, right. Like, you can't think about these things. Like, you can think about your breakfast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Even when I'll go. You know, even when, like, you'll do any hallucinogen. Like, you cannot kind of get your brain into that headspace until it actually goes there again.

[Pete Holmes]

And then when it comes back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, then it's.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't have it anymore. Now. Yeah, now you've turned it into a story. And it's worse than a dream. It's even harder to describe than a dream. And I always say this to Val. I go, just tell Pete I always talk so far out. I'm like, tell Pete he's been there and that it's okay. Like, you have to be like, tell him it wants him to relax and that everything's okay, because I know I'm going to forget.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you feel like post something like that? Because I think, like, for me, it is like, it is. At the end of the day, there's a lot of stuff, and there's a lot about how you interact with others and everyone, but also there was just a real sense of calm and comfort, of, like, chill out a little. Like, I think I really was. I don't even think I was out of my mind stressed, but I think after it, I was like, whoa, you need to really.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take it down a notch with what's getting involved in your brain.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, one of the things that happened, I was with another person that was also doing it. And at one point, we were just kind of, like, holding each other. It was very beautiful. Really, really beautiful. I know that sounds kind of weird to Earth Pete. Even earthbeats. Like, I'm not really, like, snuggling my friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it made the most sense in the world. We completely merged. And then I was talking to him, but I was talking to myself, because I was just like, we're ha. I just knew we were having the same experience. And the things I was saying, what a privilege to have lived a life where I got to tell my friend these wonderful things. And also talking to myself. But it was a lot of, like, you can trust it. You can trust it. And I knew he knew what I meant. What we were talking about was the. The fundamental essence of reality.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is trustable. And he's just crying and I'm crying, and I'm like, you can trust. You can trust. Then we're laughing. Laughing at how serious we are and stressed and afraid and confused we are. It was really, really. And I also kept saying, we draw the lines to your joke. I was like, we draw the lines. Like, we're the ones that go, yeah, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Yeah, right, Pete. Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

And. And. And then we would go, my friend's name is Sam. I would go, I'm Pete. And he'd go, I'm Sam. But when you're in the field within which everything exists, like a TV screen, everything on the TV screen is made out of these pixels. And when you're in the field of consciousness and everything, every sound, every feeling, every sight is made of the knowing of it, I hear my voice in that. Then I hear his voice. The idea that we're saying those are two different things is the funniest joke you could tell someone. Does that make sense?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Complete. I think that's where the relief of existence came for me, like, because I was like, yeah, you know, there is, like, yeah, it's all. It is. It all feels very real, very important, very. The stakes come. But by the same token, it's important to recognize that it. I. I never had. I truly went into it being a full atheist, you know, and I didn't think I would. Like, again, I'm not like, there's no. I have no organized position to my thoughts. But after that, I was like, well, there goes that. I mean, holy shit. I was like, fuck. I don't know what's going on, and I probably won't ever fully grasp it, right? But I don't think that this. The stakes of everything felt so high to me every day and so career oriented. And then it was like, oh, you know what? It's actually. There is. There is an interconnectivity that is so meaningful. And you know what else? I watched Monty Python, the Meaning of Life maybe two years after it. And at the end, Michael Palin just reads off the meaning of life very flippantly. And I was like, well, that's pretty much it. Really? Yeah, it was just kind of just like, be cool. Love everyone, and love every. Support and be. And I was sort of like, well, that's pretty much what I think is, like, the idea of. And I even notice it still when you just even in passing, try to have a. I mean, you and I. You more than Me. But. But anybody who has people who like what they do, you get a very heightened version of appreciation at times. And the way that you can either not care about that or actually genuinely care about it and exchange appreciation in those moments is really, I think, is so important, and it's so easy to probably forget that. But I feel in, like, those times and in that way, like, I genuinely do go like that. I. You know, it doesn't fly through me ever. I'm always like, that means a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That actually has real meaning to me. And.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think, like, you know, that. That when you have. When you're. Whatever you're doing has meaning to someone, or when what someone does has meaning to you, when they tell you they appreciate it or when you do appreciate it, that really is, like, what makes all of this so kind of valuable in a way. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I had that in my trip, just whatever it was two nights ago, where it was like, it's all one. Right. So let's just start with the idea that it's just one consciousness, and then it split, and then it. One of the parts did something to the other part that the other part liked. Like, it created this theater. And I was like, that's incredible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it, for its own pleasure, wanted to, like, overflow and spill and split into billions and billions of things and then goes around in engaging with itself and believing it. Because I was laughing. I was like. I told my friend, I was like, you're okay. And I go, if it's at all meaningful for equals to think the other is okay. Like, I was like, it doesn't make any sense. Like, it's all the same thing. Like, it's all an octopus with puppets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And one puppet is going, you're okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But the theater and the majesty that it does work, that this one goes, really, That's a miracle. It's a. What a great little game to play. Giving and exchanging love and gifts and joy and entertainment and. And falling in love and even. Even getting fired. You're like, it's working. I had this image where I was like, everyone should win an Oscar for being them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a long ceremony.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a long. I mean, but I was like, even your enemy. Take someone you don't like. They could give a speech where they were, like, so convincingly your enemy that you're like, they played that part perfectly. And you're playing Gareth perfectly. The word was flawless. Everyone is flawless.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I think. And I think that is, like, you know, I mean, I would Imagine. I. I think that is why, like, when I try to. I would never be like, do something that you don't feel like doing. But that is. And maybe where even people listening or watching would be like, wait, what's going? Like, I am like, I can't imagine having lived a life without trying something like that. Because I think to that point, it also is what makes you view the struggles of people in the world. Or when you meet someone who has a much harder existence or a struggle, you do go fuck. You want to, like, help you recognize yourself. Yeah. Because it is. You are like, we are combined in whatever way. And these little tethers that maybe we don't see are.

[Pete Holmes]

So the day after we had friends coming over, and I was. To each one of them, I was like, I'm so glad you're here. And I really meant it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was just. And how. How. How did they take.

[Pete Holmes]

They were fine with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. But they're fine with it less than going like, oh, Pete, I love you. You know, they're like, cool. That's awesome, Peter.

[Pete Holmes]

It was in a normal way. I didn't do it in, like, a vacant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you put a lobster bib on.

[Pete Holmes]

Before you had a lobster bib on? I was like, I'm sorry. Glad you're here. And then I licked my lips as if I was hallucinating that they were a lobster.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they looked over. There was a giant vat of butter. And I was like, so glad you're here. But it's those little niceties that you're like, why are we withholding so much and it's so easy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or why is so much transactional and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. For me. How can I negotiate this? For me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It just. I mean, I really do. I remember, like. Like, I said the day after I went to the airport and got on a flight, and I was like, first of all, I was watching how much everyone was on their phones, and I was like, this is fucking weird. Not great. And then I was also, like, yesterday it took me, like, 20 minutes to go to space, and today it's taking me nine hours to get to England. And I was like, this is. It's bizarre. And it really was, like. It did feel so much more. I don't know. I was just kind of like, the shell is what? The shell is the magic shell. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's funny, because one of my experiences going to Lobster Bib.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The lobster is my favorite, like, symbol, is because I'm like, oh, we are all just in a lobster.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Shell Yep. But there's something. And that's something we share with everybody. There's only one of those.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You could also say Bird Talker has that lyric about we're one wind and different sailboats, but it's just one animating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a really good way.

[Pete Holmes]

You can also say it's one knowing. That gets a little, you know, a little more philosophical to call it knowing or being.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But when I was there, it's funny that you said Monty Python. I had a real moment where I was like, whoa. Because when I came back, I went into my first K hole, I guess is what they would call it. I had never been in a k hole, and 10 out of 10 would recommend. Because if you're not. If you're resourced and not with good people and right setting and you go into a place. Val was laughing at me. I was like, it was the stillest thing I've ever seen in my life. And even as I say this now, it's kind of emotional there. It was like you're watching a movie, like, on 8 millimeter, like. And then all of a sudden, in front of the projector, someone just puts a piece of thick black poster board. So instead of, like, frames it, everything just stops. And you're looking at the stillest black poster board. It just. None of this is going to make much sense. But I was like. And everything went away. Time, space. And I was just, like, looking at this, but I wasn't even there. And I was like. And I was like. As soon as I came out of it, just went with it. That's another thing these things want you to know is, like, just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like naked on the Titanic. Just being like, yes. Just like, scream yes at everything. And not just the experience, but here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, yes to it. And as soon as I came out, I was like, I see why they call it a hole. It really feels like you're in outer space, sucked in. And again, I know this is going to sound a little nuts, but I was like, you've never seen stillness. I guess you could call it a void.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it wasn't frightening because I still was like. I was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

And the void was me, you. And it was. And that's why I kept going. You can trust it. You can trust. I was like. It was like, I'm gonna take you as far from home as you can go, and you're gonna realize that you are your home. Well, you can't leave being.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I completely. I completely. Like, that's why, like, I. When people talk about ayahuasca, they're like, you shit your pants. And I'm like that. To me. I don't know who put that into, like, the like. But I'm like, that's a corporate talking point. Like, they're saying that so you don't go take it. But even. And I've been in ceremonies and I've. There has been a guy or two shit their pants.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you don't have a body, let alone.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you don't even give it. You could care less if you shit your pants.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so funny. Somebody was like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or throw up.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody was like, oh, you were frozen. You couldn't move. And I was like, there was no me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, the idea of body being an issue.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is not an issue.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so funny. So the reason. Monty Python. I was trying to describe it. You know how Monty Python would occasionally use, like, an animation style.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Terry Gilliam, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Where something is clearly like paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or. Or the intro to you can't do that on Television. And then they cut it open. And I was like. It was like that. Shunk. Something that's not a cartoon and is not a movie. It's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was there. But here's the trip, man. People were like, do you see things on ketamine? And I was like, you see that? You're always. Right. Now we're seeing something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's fucking insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's hallucin. Almost like we feel like we're hallucinating right now.

[Pete Holmes]

You are hallucinating right now. I would. The way that I would phrase it, I got this from Rupert Spiro, is there's one consciousness and it's momentarily abstracting itself. So it's illusory. It's still real.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just not what it seems to be. It's all mind. And that's what these substances show you, is. It shows you to make it semi religious. It's like you can make your head in the. Make your bed in the heavens. And I, you are there, meaning God. You could make your bed in the depths. And you are there, meaning you can't go somewhere without. I am. And I am is the great thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the I am can be outer space, or it can be me talking, putting on shoes, taking a. You've never been apart from it. And that's why they say the great mystery is. Is the most obvious of all things. And it's also the most secret of all things because when you have these like substances or awakening experiences, you just go, where could I go that isn't, to use Rupert Spire as analogy, where could we go that isn't on the screen? Where could something in a movie go that isn't on the screen?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And waiting for enlightenment is like waiting for something amazing to happen in the movie. Like, oh, I'll be enlightened once I see a movie where a guy's like flying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

All you need to do is recognize the screen. That's is. You go, I'm on a screen and the screen is consciousness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I think that, I mean I, again, it's like, it's, it is, there are like, there are hints of it and things you read about or listen to before you, you know, delve into any like, I wouldn't say psychic, but anything that puts you under and kind of does a little third eye opening. But that, that to me was like, was really it. It was like it did, it felt, it wasn't even that life felt lonely, but once I felt like, you know, you are just one piece in a puzzle. You were like, oh, okay, that, that, like, that took me from feeling like a fully inflated balloon walking around that was afraid of a needle to being like a quarter filled balloon that was just like, I don't give a shit.

[Pete Holmes]

That's beautiful because you had the interconnected jigsaw thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everything that seemed so important the day I went in there the next day felt half as important at most.

[Pete Holmes]

Really.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Including like what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I mean, honestly, like career. I mean, I really do think that like so much of my focus was on that the people I loved that had more meaning to it. But I loved everybody more. But my, my, I guess animus towards the machine of Hollywood or career that I was like always felt so frustrated by not being able to get a footing in it. I started kind of and I think it has helped with my career now because it made me go. I don't give as much of a, I mean, I, I, you know, like even in my version of whatever this is, that's what I mean, it's like the, I still get a level of appreciation for what I do from people in a way that has so much value to me that if that is what it is, that's plenty.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like the idea of greed, like, I, I do think it's funny because I thought about when I, you are so nice in the way that like, I'll see you sometimes and you'll be like, oh, you've been gone forever. I'm so sorry. I don't. And I'm like, that, to me, is not an insult. Like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Never want to imply that you're touring too much or you're not or that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or that.

[Pete Holmes]

Whatever the community.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. But I. I think that that is the reality. And I have no issue with the reality being like, dude, I'm gone all the time because I am grinding out whatever this is. But. But the recognition of. There's so much good that comes out from that that even when you do get. Because the truth is, it never leaves you. You know, I'll be behind someone at the store and be like, jesus Christ. It's not like, oh, that's done. I'm always happy now. And I really appreciate that person because it's just skin that just got separated. It's an illusion. I am like, buddy, that's 15 items. This is 10 or less. But you do go. Your. Your little world of this, if you do value it, it's. I don't think. I wonder why the people who have so much stress about it more than anyone. And then I go, well, my version of it is, you know, this middling spot where I'm very happy with it and very appreciative. And the idea of getting wound up or caught up in all of that is the ego, which. The more I do this stuff is really the thing you're trying to just kind of. Of release yourself of as much as humanly possible.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I totally hear all of that. Yeah. And it doesn't. Luckily, I have good friends like, like Mike Birbiglia that are like, Pete, like, if you go, a good one would be, oh, this person does bigger venues.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And makes more money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's really what you're saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Less. It seems like less work.

[Pete Holmes]

Less work and more money. Yeah. And then Mike. And I'm so grateful to have friends like this. He's like, pete, you tor. And people come out and see you and laugh and you're. And you're good at it. It's like you have nothing to ever complain about. I was like, I appreciate that. I. I wouldn't even say I do that for him, but I would if he, like, good friends like that, that just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He could do that. He could do that for someone else. And I can do that for you. And someone else does that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it is. Yeah, it is endless. I mean, and the, you know, the people who you meet who open for you, they are on. It's truly like, what makes this business so bizarre is that it's kind of like ultimate ego gladiator. And so you have to like to. To say in this line of work I want to like, have my ego in check is really kind of like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The strangest version of.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's like Coca Cola saying, I want to have my sugar. I don't want to do too much sugar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

And you are Coca Cola. But I actually think that paradox. And I could be deluding myself. I've chosen perhaps to believe that my job, being my ego, has helped me understand where it is. Maybe I'm full of shit, but I'm like, there it is. And I know what it wants and I know what it does. I'm trying to do a bit where I'm like, don't even ask what I think. It's so boring. It's like, what's in it for me? Like, will it make me comfortable and happy? Will it make me jizz? Like, it's such a snooze. I'm interested in other thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's not talk to the monkey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right. About how the monkey's doing or what.

[Pete Holmes]

The monkey thought of that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Who cares? Because once you've tasted these higher altitudes, you're just sort of like, I'd rather like. When I was on ketamine, we were talking about my parents. I was like, I talk about this stuff all the time. Let's go to the blue planet. Yeah, let's go to outer space. So we're almost. We. We're past two hours. It's fine. Just in respect for your time, can you give me a taste of. And you have. But I don't want to leave any stone unturned here. Something that you took away, especially from that first ayahuasca thing. Was there like a deathless revelation? Was there like a just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I felt like. Honestly, it. That first time was just. I think I was just getting my bearings of, like, holy. Like, I felt. I felt a. I felt a third eye connection to a place that I didn't know existed. And then the second time you saw a place, I just was. I felt like I was having a communication with something so far outside of myself that was willing to scoff at my questions and answer ones I didn't even know I wanted to ask. Like, I went in there going like, like, do I smoke too many cigarettes? You know? And it was like, yep, that's crazy. Don't smoke anyway. How about like, it was kind of like that. And so the second time I went in a little more prepped to try to have some of these questions answered. And again, the agenda was what was so funny during the session? Because it's like, yeah, it's not a presser. Like, it was. It just. And again, I think this is why there is. Why these things are so synonymous with the word love is because that was really the only thing I kept thinking of was love. Providing love, feeling sad for people who weren't loved, and recognizing that people are the way they are because of the way they were loved or the way they don't know how to love and how really, at the end of the day, even being pleasant is an extension of love. And you never know who needs it, who's asking for it or anything. But deep down, it is fully, you know, the thing that makes. It brings people the comfort that makes being a human.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Off of that. So I do parts work, therapy, internal family systems. And let's say I find a part of me that's real gruff. It's. It just means an aspect of my psyche.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's really afraid and angry or it might seem ugly to me or vicious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And every time, it's a shock and a surprise and a delight. That all it wants, just like every person, is someone to say thank you. I see what you're doing. You're doing a good job. Thank you for your help. And can I help you? And I love you basically every time. Every time, I'll find the prickliest protector. And I'm like, well, there's no getting to this guy. And all you have to do is be like, I see you. I rec. I honor you. You know, respect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I. I had. And then. I'm not trying to give you, like, a. Whatever. I had a stalker for a while, and it was the worst. It was so stressful. It was, like, just debilitating in every way, you know? And. And then as it sort of had slowed down, I felt ready to go take ayahuasca again. Right. So as I'm doing it, it's not hitting me the same way. Like, you know, I mean, it's very much like, drink, wait, See, like, nobody's going. Like, do another shot. Like, it was like, drink it. See? And I was dosing myself and going like, nothing's happening. And then the person I work with was recognizing there was, like, a block in me while I was doing it, which was very validating. And, like, being with this person. Right. So this person, then, in whatever way, I'm about to throw up through, like, them kind of explaining to me what was going on. And when I threw up, it felt like I threw up that dark experience that had been kind of rotting me inside and out through, you know, the actions of an outsider. But as well as how I. How I was coping with it, like, physically, what it was doing to me literally felt like it came out of me. Then I laid down, then it all started to take effect. And then it was like, while I. What this person did to me was so horrendous and so unnecessary and unmotivated and inexcusable. I was like, I do feel bad for this person. This person. This is something this person is going through that.

[Pete Holmes]

A love or lack of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And they are working out something that was deficient. It's being taken out on me. But. But it went from, like, a deep hatred, which, you know, again, it's like you can batten that hatch for as much as you try to. It still exists. But I was like, you are. You are coping. And whether you take it.

[Pete Holmes]

But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I never would have thought that's.

[Pete Holmes]

What I mean to these. Thank you for sharing that. Because that's exactly what I'm saying, is you. You have to go into these parts and be like. Like, what the are you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut up.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you're like, well, that doesn't get you anywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right. Like, yeah, I was holding it inside, and that was really what purging it out felt like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let it go.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Yeah. That's a Mr. Rogers quote, by the way. Everything is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let it go.

[Pete Holmes]

No love or lack of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Right, right. That's very.

[Pete Holmes]

And everyone's doing the best they can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's. That's really beautiful. I'm glad you shared that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I love chatting with up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It's always the best.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The best.

[Pete Holmes]

You're the best. You hosting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

You wrapped it up well. I mean, I liked it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We gotta go. Katie and I have to do some ads after.

[Pete Holmes]

Katie's got to do some ads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna do Modern Mouse. We got to do a rocket Money.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not. We don't do rocket money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got to do a rocket money. I'm doing one with. Well, can I bring. I should be able to bring my.

[Pete Holmes]

Own ads to show you do your ads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've specifically, I can book a couple side ads to bring on other people's shows.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like Keeping up with the Millers or Meet the Millers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, right, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Where your life becomes an ad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah, I could.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the Thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll bring my own.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you can't have some of our ads. Have a Vita cocoa for the road. That. How long's your hair now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. I just got a cut, so it's not that long. Short.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll still love that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Modern males.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice. I want to try.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I can't believe you rifted your butt off without that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you drank yours?

[Pete Holmes]

I needed mine to keep up with the Reynolds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I think you're the greatest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're the greatest. I love you. I. You know, I also. Yeah. I always have been such a fan of yours, so to be able to, like, chat with you is always a pleasure. For real. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you really reminded me in. In closing, the one thing I wanted to say about love is Richard Rohr, my Franciscan father, who I love. I'm not even Franciscan, but I love him to death. Spiritual teacher. He just loves people. And I've watched. I've gotten to spend some time with him, and I've said this a million times, but all he does is honor people and reflect them back to themselves in a very ayahuasca, very ketamine way. And it's so simple.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's just. Gareth, I think you're so funny. I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable. I just think you're the real deal and you're a gift, and I appreciate you. I feel that's what he would say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, from. I thank him for saying it through you, and I feel the same way. You're the best.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks for doing it. Would you say keep it crispy? It's just how we end.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Apologies for all the riffs that we left open ended that we didn't seal up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen. We made it weird.

[Pete Holmes]

We made it weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you got to keep it crispy. KFC on Air Force One.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like you're shattering a Clinton mattress. Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

Tap it with a rock hammer and it shatters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just shatters.

[Pete Holmes]

Magic shell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like running away.

[Pete Holmes]

Trace leches cake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what Bill used to say. I'm going to trace leches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm about to trace L. Chase. Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank.

[Pete Holmes]

You.