Harland Williams Returns - You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Summary5 min read

Podcast Summary: "Harland Williams Returns" on You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode Information:

Title: Harland Williams Returns
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Harland Williams
Release Date: April 30, 2025

In this vibrant episode of You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes, Pete Holmes welcomes back the multifaceted comedian and actor Harland Williams. The conversation delves deep into Harland's enduring passion for stand-up comedy, his experiences in the entertainment industry, personal anecdotes, and his optimistic outlook on technology and the future.

1. Introduction and Friendship with Jim Carrey (00:00 - 04:00)

The episode kicks off with a humorous exchange about Harland's affinity for "Pure Leaf" tea, setting a lighthearted tone. Harland shares insights into his longstanding friendship with Jim Carrey, recounting their early interactions and how Jim played a pivotal role in recommending him for his breakout role in Dumb and Dumber.

Notable Quote:

Harland Williams (02:20): "I have six kidneys and two livers. This sugar just passes through me like Dolly Parton through a screw green door at a haunted fun house."

2. The Therapeutic Nature of Comedy (04:01 - 08:00)

Pete and Harland explore the intrinsic joy of performing stand-up comedy. Harland emphasizes that his commitment to comedy is driven purely by fun and the joy it brings to others, while Pete adds that performing also serves a therapeutic purpose for his own well-being.

Notable Quote:

Pete Holmes (67:07): "But a lot of it has to do with like my own well being. Like, I'll perform. I'm going away for a week, so I'll perform tonight because I know I won't be able to perform for a week."

3. Stand-Up Comedy vs. Movies (08:01 - 16:00)

The discussion shifts to the ephemeral nature of stand-up performances compared to the lasting legacy of movies. Harland laments how stand-up shows vanish after they're performed, leaving no tangible record, unlike films which endure and influence future generations.

Notable Quote:

Harland Williams (68:19): "Stand up shows, whether you're in an arena or you're in a little dusty club somewhere, the shows are all ghosts. They all dissipate."

4. Views on Technology and the Future (16:01 - 28:00)

Harland expresses his excitement about futuristic technologies, including neural links and micro-robots for medical purposes. The conversation touches on societal fears surrounding AI and the importance of maintaining optimism about technological advancements.

Notable Quote:

Harland Williams (50:18): "Yeah. I am excited about all the futuristic technology stuff."

5. Personal Anecdotes and Comedic Riffs (28:01 - 46:00)

The latter half of the episode is a treasure trove of comedic riffs and personal stories. Harland shares a humorous account of performing the Heimlich maneuver on someone with a tracheotomy, blending dark humor with absurd imagery. The duo also invents imaginative scenarios, such as KFC serving "a pile of fried chicken skins with chopsticks," showcasing their impeccable comedic chemistry.

Notable Quotes:

Harland Williams (45:55): "Someone yells, 'nice stroke,' while you're having a medical emergency. Then you die offended."
Pete Holmes (82:31): "They should have a happy cancer emoji, which is..." [Interruption with laughter]

6. The Ephemeral vs. the Eternal in Entertainment (46:01 - 60:00)

Harland and Pete delve deeper into the transient nature of live performances versus the enduring presence of films. Harland appreciates how movies like Citizen Kane have left an indelible mark on culture, whereas stand-up acts, despite their immediate impact, fade without a trace.

Notable Quote:

Harland Williams (69:26): "Movies time stamp forever."

7. Reflections on Historical and Cultural References (60:01 - 75:00)

The conversation takes a detour into historical and cultural musings, blending references from Blade Runner to the origins of the term "robot." Harland muses about UFO sightings and the symbolism in movies, while Pete engages with playful corrections and additional humorous takes.

Notable Quote:

Pete Holmes (84:09): "With chopsticks, though. Classy. Classy."
Harland Williams (75:04): "It's a tattoo of a giraffe sleeping on a beanbag chair. And when I get excited, it actually stands up and projectile vomits."

8. The Impermanence of Experiences (75:01 - 90:00)

As the episode nears its end, Pete and Harland reflect on the fleeting nature of personal experiences and memories. Harland touches upon difficult topics like his father's passing and the lasting impressions of traumatic events, intertwining them with their characteristic humor.

Notable Quote:

Harland Williams (35:20): "It's like Skull Island in King Kong... There's this mysterious island with this giant manape. He's 38ft tall."

9. Closing Thoughts and Future Performances (90:01 - End)

In the final segments, Harland and Pete discuss upcoming performances and express mutual appreciation for each other's work. They tease future collaborations and maintain the episode's lighthearted spirit until the very end.

Notable Quote:

Harland Williams (92:00): "Keep it Krispy Kreme, even."
Pete Holmes (91:47): "And thank you all."

Key Takeaways:

Passion for Comedy: Both Pete Holmes and Harland Williams view stand-up comedy as a vital source of joy and personal fulfillment, underscoring its therapeutic benefits.
Ephemeral vs. Eternal: The duo contrasts the transient nature of live performances with the lasting legacy of cinematic works, highlighting the unique impacts of each medium.
Optimism in Technology: Harland advocates for an optimistic embrace of technological advancements, believing they can lead humanity toward a harmonious future.
Comedic Chemistry: The episode showcases the natural rapport between Pete and Harland, blending sharp wit with absurd humor to engage listeners.
Personal Insights: Harland shares candid reflections on personal experiences, adding depth to the comedic exchanges and offering listeners a glimpse into his life beyond the stage.

Conclusion:

"Harland Williams Returns" is a delightful blend of insightful dialogue and comedic brilliance. Pete Holmes and Harland Williams effortlessly navigate a myriad of topics, from the joys of performing to the complexities of human experiences, all while keeping the conversation engaging and entertaining. For fans of comedy and thoughtful discourse, this episode is a testament to the enduring friendship and shared passion between two remarkable comedians.

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Transcript1,312 lines

[00:00]
Pete Holmes
You made it with. You made it with. You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you did.
[00:12]
Harlan Williams
You made it weird with Pete Holmes.
[00:15]
Unknown
What's happening, weirdos? This is the return of the incredible, hilarious, warm, affable, kind, sweet and hilarious Harland Williams. Harland has his own podcast. It's called the Harland Highway. I've been on many times, and the last time I did it, I was like, we just have to do this on. You made it weird. It's just what we do. We get together, we riff, we're silly. He's stream of consciousness. Why am I telling you what he is? You're about to hear, so I'm glad you're here. And please, please, please enjoy the incredible Harlan Williams. The only thing I'm going to plug up top is my tour dates. I goofed. I shouldn't have called this tour the PG13 tour. It is too dirty to call it the PG13 tour. I wouldn't say it's filthy, but it' PG13. I also realized, why am I asking people to look at this, like, through that lens, through, like a critical lens? Like, is he. Is he staying within the lines that he painted for himself?
[01:10]
Harlan Williams
That's.
[01:10]
Unknown
That's not what comedy is to me. This is just a normal Pete Holmes set, just like I've done for 20 years. So go to peteholmes.com it is now called the Pete Here now tour. I'm coming up on Toronto. I can't wait for Toronto. We have our show in Los angeles. Oh, sorry. May 1st. I. I'm here in Utah. I'm going to be at Wise Guys just for one night. If you saw me most recently in Utah, it's basically the same set. But if you missed me last time I was in Utah, come see me on May 1st.
[01:39]
Harlan Williams
That's.
[01:40]
Unknown
That's tomorrow. If you're hearing this the day it came out, Louisiana on May 24, followed by Nashville, Irvine, San Jose, Houston, Royal Oak, Michigan, Washington, D.C. boston, St. Louis, Cleveland, Homestead, Philadelphia, Philadelphia. Philadelphia is not a state. Pennsylvania and Atlantic City, New Jersey. We're also going to be announcing New York pretty soon. So go to peteholmes.com and get tickets to the Pete Here now tour. I hope to see you out there. And in the meantime, enjoy my chat with the incomparable Harlan Williams. Get into it.
[02:16]
Pete Holmes
Get in here. Hard.
[02:19]
Harlan Williams
My drink.
[02:21]
Pete Holmes
Oh, always repping the pure leaf. Real brewed tea. Yeah, I've always known that about you, that you love lemon. That's a lot of. That's a lot of Sugar. If this has 150 calories. Hard land. Yep.
[02:37]
Harlan Williams
It has. What?
[02:38]
Pete Holmes
A lot of sugar, bro.
[02:39]
Harlan Williams
Calories don't mean anything to me.
[02:41]
Pete Holmes
What do you mean?
[02:42]
Harlan Williams
Well, I'm from California.
[02:44]
Pete Holmes
38 grams of sugar in it.
[02:45]
Harlan Williams
I'm from California.
[02:47]
Pete Holmes
Are you. Are you sure? Because you're drinking Cleveland right now.
[02:50]
Harlan Williams
Well, the first three letters in calories is cal. Oh, so it's an aneurysm for California.
[02:58]
Pete Holmes
I see. An aneurysm.
[02:59]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. And so it's. You know when you call a fly word.
[03:03]
Pete Holmes
Callifly.
[03:04]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[03:04]
Pete Holmes
Calligraphy.
[03:05]
Harlan Williams
Calligraphy.
[03:06]
Pete Holmes
If you write California in calligraphy, it says calories.
[03:09]
Harlan Williams
Calories.
[03:11]
Pete Holmes
And Calvin and Hobbes is also an allegory for calories and carbohydrates and imaginary tigers. Was he imaginary?
[03:21]
Harlan Williams
He was.
[03:21]
Pete Holmes
Or was Hobbs the only real one?
[03:23]
Harlan Williams
Hobbs was imaginary and it was actually. The tiger was real and that was his slave kid.
[03:30]
Pete Holmes
That's what I've always thought, that Calvin was an indentured servant or he was.
[03:34]
Harlan Williams
Just a side meal. Because sometimes tigers want to keep a kid around. Well, you want some meat.
[03:39]
Pete Holmes
Around.
[03:40]
Harlan Williams
Around.
[03:40]
Pete Holmes
And meat badly.
[03:42]
Harlan Williams
Well, they're predators. They got to hunt.
[03:44]
Pete Holmes
And before refrigerators, the best way to keep meat fresh was to just have a living.
[03:47]
Harlan Williams
Kid around.
[03:48]
Pete Holmes
Child.
[03:49]
Harlan Williams
Have a kid. Befriend it. Pretend you're buddies. Go on slides.
[03:52]
Pete Holmes
Buffet it.
[03:53]
Harlan Williams
Buffet it.
[03:54]
Pete Holmes
It's a walking buffet fillet.
[03:56]
Harlan Williams
Butterfly it. Like a shrimp. Have you ever butterflied a kid like a shrimp? You will.
[04:02]
Pete Holmes
You will.
[04:03]
Harlan Williams
You will. I won't. But you certainly most will. You must you most. You will. You must. You most. You will. Will you stop fondling my beverage? I have to put that on my mouth. I know you're piano playing fingers. Billy Joel. Piano playing fingers are all over the rim of my delicious sugar free tea.
[04:29]
Pete Holmes
I'm going to tell you the story.
[04:30]
Harlan Williams
Get your greasy crabs off my. Off my. I can play this game, guy. Look here, here. How about this?
[04:39]
Pete Holmes
Oh, no.
[04:40]
Harlan Williams
I was playing with a horseshoe crab earlier.
[04:42]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, all right.
[04:43]
Harlan Williams
You're.
[04:44]
Pete Holmes
You're not wrong. You're not wrong. I'm trying to save you from those 38 hard grams.
[04:49]
Harlan Williams
Is that bad? You don't like sugar, Har.
[04:52]
Pete Holmes
Everyone likes sugar. Har. What are you can't say your own name is a. You don't like sugar, huh? It's not a way to talk.
[05:02]
Harlan Williams
You don't like sugar. Hey, Pete.
[05:04]
Pete Holmes
That's the way. My name. Not your name, but wait.
[05:08]
Harlan Williams
You don't like the sugs.
[05:09]
Pete Holmes
I wouldn't drink that.
[05:10]
Harlan Williams
Why?
[05:11]
Pete Holmes
Because in an hour and a half, you're gonna be, like, depressed, angry, and irritable, and you won't even know why.
[05:16]
Harlan Williams
Not me?
[05:17]
Pete Holmes
You will.
[05:18]
Harlan Williams
Dude, I can drink a can of coke and go right to bed and fall asleep.
[05:22]
Pete Holmes
You're one of those.
[05:23]
Harlan Williams
It doesn't affect me.
[05:24]
Pete Holmes
What are you. Which? The sugar and the caffeine.
[05:26]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[05:27]
Pete Holmes
Like, how do you get your.
[05:28]
Harlan Williams
They say cows have seven stomachs. I had a sonogram about four weeks ago.
[05:34]
Pete Holmes
I think we have. We pretty much confirmed.
[05:36]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, that's confirmed science. That's cow stomach science. But I have. I have six kidneys and two livers.
[05:43]
Pete Holmes
I knew that about you.
[05:44]
Harlan Williams
And so this sugar just passes through me like Dolly Parton through a screw green door at a haunted fun house. Would you not spray on me, too? I already got this. I don't need the saliva to match the fingerprints.
[05:59]
Pete Holmes
Wait, does Dolly Barton go easily through a screen door?
[06:02]
Harlan Williams
It's like a forensic file. There's so many fingerprints on this. I don't know what to do.
[06:07]
Pete Holmes
Well, the guy that loaded it, or.
[06:09]
Harlan Williams
Oh, there he go.
[06:10]
Pete Holmes
He did that.
[06:10]
Harlan Williams
There he goes with your little dill pickle. Grabbing fingers out of the jar, sucking. Why do the dill pickles have to have the bumps on them, too?
[06:20]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, the little dick bumps.
[06:22]
Harlan Williams
They're like little warts.
[06:24]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, because pickles are very promiscuous and they don't wear protection.
[06:30]
Harlan Williams
I don't like it.
[06:30]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, nobody likes it.
[06:31]
Harlan Williams
Like, they're already a nice soft texture, but they get those little bumps.
[06:35]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, but you kind of like it.
[06:36]
Harlan Williams
Well, I did it, so I think.
[06:38]
Pete Holmes
No, but I'm telling you, there's a.
[06:40]
Harlan Williams
Podcaster in this room that's not listening. No, I'm telling you, I'm a huge part of podcasting. I think it's half of it. You talk, you don't listen right now. You don't know when to talk of reality. You have to split people.
[06:55]
Pete Holmes
And now you're all over it.
[06:58]
Harlan Williams
I love you.
[06:58]
Pete Holmes
I love you, too. Thanks for coming on the show.
[07:02]
Harlan Williams
And who am I? Har.
[07:04]
Pete Holmes
You're Har.
[07:04]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, Har.
[07:05]
Pete Holmes
You're Har Land.
[07:06]
Harlan Williams
Har.
[07:06]
Pete Holmes
Did anyone ever call you Hard Land?
[07:08]
Harlan Williams
Not Hard Land. I like it.
[07:10]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, I like it, too.
[07:11]
Harlan Williams
I got Harley Davidson. I got Harley.
[07:13]
Pete Holmes
Harley.
[07:14]
Harlan Williams
Harley.
[07:15]
Pete Holmes
Oh, yeah.
[07:16]
Harlan Williams
Harley's cool. You know, when I meet people, I often just say Harley because no one's heard Harland. So every time. What? What is it? And I just. Oh, God. So I just. If I'm meeting someone, I know I'm Never gonna see them again.
[07:31]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[07:31]
Harlan Williams
Like, you know when you meet a rando at a party or. You know what I mean? Like what should I single use person? Yeah. If I'm playing tennis and a new guy can. I'm never gonna play with him. Yeah. Harley.
[07:42]
Pete Holmes
Harley.
[07:43]
Harlan Williams
And they go, harley? Yeah, like Harley Davidson. Then they never forget it.
[07:46]
Pete Holmes
Well, that's a mnemonic.
[07:48]
Harlan Williams
Because I can't say Harland like Colonel Saunders, because his name was Harland. It's Colonel Harland Saunders.
[07:56]
Pete Holmes
But if I were named Harland.
[07:57]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[07:58]
Pete Holmes
I'd say Harland, like Harlan Williams. You are the first Harland. If you Google as I did.
[08:02]
Harlan Williams
Oh, really?
[08:03]
Pete Holmes
You type in Harland?
[08:05]
Harlan Williams
You know, Colonel Saunders is way more famous than me.
[08:08]
Pete Holmes
Well, that chicken is fucking delicious.
[08:10]
Harlan Williams
Right?
[08:11]
Pete Holmes
Full of sugar, 38 grams.
[08:14]
Harlan Williams
You know what I do? I like to go in and the kids get mad at me. The zit faced, braces wearing kids.
[08:20]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[08:21]
Harlan Williams
Oh yeah. Those voices are cracking. Hi, would you like some chicken?
[08:27]
Pete Holmes
And they won't say breast.
[08:28]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[08:29]
Pete Holmes
You're like, they're too embarrassed.
[08:31]
Harlan Williams
Although I was in Bakersfield and one guy said, would you like some titty knockers? Like he wouldn't say breast, but he called them titty knockers.
[08:39]
Pete Holmes
Hooter. Hooters of chicken.
[08:40]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[08:41]
Pete Holmes
Would you like some chicken? Hooters.
[08:42]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. This kid was.
[08:43]
Pete Holmes
That's what they call it. Wait a minute.
[08:45]
Harlan Williams
Hooters.
[08:46]
Pete Holmes
Wait a minute.
[08:47]
Harlan Williams
What?
[08:47]
Pete Holmes
Is that why hooters is called hooters? They serve wings, not breasts. Hooters is called hooters. Couple problems with hooters. One, it's a leg forward restaurant.
[08:58]
Harlan Williams
A what?
[08:58]
Pete Holmes
It's a leg forward.
[09:00]
Harlan Williams
What's that mean?
[09:00]
Pete Holmes
I mean all the waitresses, it seems like it's a leg outfit. Like it's a leg featuring outfit.
[09:06]
Harlan Williams
Leg segueing in the buttock cheek.
[09:09]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah.
[09:10]
Harlan Williams
Into an orange, like lower horizon.
[09:12]
Pete Holmes
Yes. It's like somebody highlighted a butt with an orange highlighter.
[09:15]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[09:16]
Pete Holmes
And then like pantyhose. They wear like pantyhose.
[09:19]
Harlan Williams
Nylons, I think nylons. I know that. Cause I used to be a bank.
[09:22]
Pete Holmes
Robber, so I knew that about you. If you did rob a bank, how would you do it? I know you. You'd smooth talk. You're going and going, Harley, like Davidson. You get him laughing and then you go, I'm not gonna pass you a note. Just believe me when I say I mean business. Give me the cash in the drawer.
[09:42]
Harlan Williams
Just another little podcast tip.
[09:44]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[09:45]
Harlan Williams
Next time when you ask me a question.
[09:46]
Pete Holmes
No, no, no.
[09:47]
Harlan Williams
Don't provide your Answer. Let me answer, because that's not how I do it. I'm getting angry.
[09:53]
Pete Holmes
There's leading questions.
[09:54]
Harlan Williams
I'm already getting angry.
[09:55]
Pete Holmes
And then there's questions where you take them all the way to the river and you make them drink.
[10:01]
Harlan Williams
Listen, Dollywood, I'm going through a screen door. I. I'm a drive through guy. There are banks around you that have a drive through window.
[10:11]
Pete Holmes
And you can rob from that.
[10:13]
Harlan Williams
You can rob. They're right at the drive through window. You go, give me all the twenties, hundreds, clean denominations, and with curly fries. Oh, you get a snack with one.
[10:24]
Pete Holmes
Of those Carl's Juniors. Chase Juniors, Yeah.
[10:28]
Harlan Williams
Oh, tender tears.
[10:31]
Pete Holmes
Apparently, note passing is a very easy way to rob a bank, but you only get the cash in the drawer.
[10:38]
Harlan Williams
Oh.
[10:39]
Pete Holmes
If you want the vault, that's when you have to jump over the glass. You're gonna have to take some hostages. It's gonna be gross.
[10:47]
Harlan Williams
Is it even a thing nowadays when we live in a world of credit cards and Apple Pay and PayPal? Like, do you really want to go into a bank and say, give me. Give me a big stack of paper money. You don't even know what to do with it.
[11:00]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, you have to mail it to PayPal Inc. And be like, add this to my account.
[11:05]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[11:05]
Pete Holmes
You're going to deposit into another bank. And how good do you feel about that?
[11:09]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, nobody knows.
[11:10]
Pete Holmes
Aren't safe. I just got this from a bank.
[11:12]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Way to bring it around. And way to do a kind of a verbal donut.
[11:18]
Pete Holmes
It was a verb dough.
[11:19]
Harlan Williams
A verb dough.
[11:20]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Which is where I get my Airbnb. Vrbo. Oh, J. Jk. I use Airbnb.
[11:27]
Harlan Williams
Jk. Jk Joking.
[11:29]
Pete Holmes
J. Just kidding.
[11:31]
Harlan Williams
Oh, just kidding. Oh, so JK is just kidding, not joking.
[11:35]
Pete Holmes
Did you think it was joking?
[11:36]
Harlan Williams
Well, joking could be a verbalism for an aneurysm.
[11:40]
Pete Holmes
If you remove the vowels from joking, it's jk.
[11:45]
Harlan Williams
But what if it's jfk? Is anybody laughing that a president took a shot to the head twice. Is that funny?
[11:52]
Pete Holmes
Did they get him twice?
[11:53]
Harlan Williams
Twice. There was one from behind, one from the front, from the grassy knoll. And then they just released the JFK files. And apparently someone took a shot from a kfc, so it was like a JFK KFC type of arrangement.
[12:06]
Pete Holmes
And that's why Harland is more famous than you. That Harland? Yeah, as Colonel Sanders.
[12:12]
Harlan Williams
The colonel took a shot.
[12:13]
Pete Holmes
Which part of that was real, though? They did have a. Is it confirmed that there's a shot from the front?
[12:18]
Harlan Williams
Well, yeah. If you look at the Jehuder tapes, the Zebruter Hooters. What?
[12:22]
Pete Holmes
Jehuder Zapruders is a leg forward restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[12:27]
Harlan Williams
And it's rainy in there, right in front of you.
[12:29]
Pete Holmes
They shoot it. They bring it out. It's back into the left, into the ranch. Is that too soon?
[12:35]
Harlan Williams
No. No, it's not too soon. Never, Never. With me and you, it's never too soon. Whoever's watching.
[12:43]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[12:44]
Harlan Williams
It's too soon for them.
[12:45]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[12:45]
Harlan Williams
What happens between us, it's almost not soon enough.
[12:49]
Pete Holmes
It can't be too soon if time is just how the thinking mind perceives eternity.
[12:55]
Harlan Williams
I wished you had opened with it because it wasn't soon enough for me.
[13:00]
Pete Holmes
That wasn't too soon. You should have said it yesterday.
[13:03]
Harlan Williams
You should have said it when we first sat down.
[13:05]
Pete Holmes
When we first sat down. I should have said, there's a Zapruders. It's like a Hooters restaurant.
[13:10]
Harlan Williams
Soon enough.
[13:11]
Pete Holmes
And the chicken gets dipped back into the left because that's where the ranch is.
[13:14]
Harlan Williams
I think it would have set a nice tone for what we're doing here.
[13:17]
Pete Holmes
Tone.
[13:18]
Harlan Williams
By the way, I'm tanning over. Have you ever been to Tantastic on Melrose? That's where I do my. My tanning.
[13:25]
Pete Holmes
Do you really tan?
[13:26]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[13:26]
Pete Holmes
Do you just chug 38 GS of sugar and then go sit in the.
[13:29]
Harlan Williams
UV box, get nude? And I put those. Those little eye goggles on.
[13:33]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[13:33]
Harlan Williams
I accidentally put them on my nuts one day.
[13:36]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[13:36]
Harlan Williams
And I got home that night, my girlfriend thought there was a dragonfly loose in the room, and she kicked me. Right. Well, if you're gonna laugh, maybe this isn't the conversation for me. What guy? God. God. Gargoyle. Grimps.
[13:57]
Pete Holmes
Gargoyle. Simon and Gargoyle. My favorite cover of the Monster Matches by Simon and Gargoyle.
[14:04]
Harlan Williams
Wouldn't you love to be walking down, like, New York, like on 5th and 29th or whatever? And I'll say, hello, doctor. Smile. And you see, you look up, you see Simon and Garfunkel hanging on the side of a building, singing, and then.
[14:18]
Pete Holmes
You have it ready to go. More like Simon and Gargoyle.
[14:21]
Harlan Williams
Simon and Gargoyle.
[14:22]
Pete Holmes
Nobody hears you, and then you're hit by a bus.
[14:24]
Harlan Williams
Oh, I would love to get hit by a bus. A double decker. A British one.
[14:28]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[14:29]
Harlan Williams
It feels like you're getting hit by two buses in one.
[14:31]
Pete Holmes
And you were hit on the goofy side of the street.
[14:33]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[14:34]
Pete Holmes
Two buses.
[14:35]
Harlan Williams
Two buses in one it's too much bus. Not for me.
[14:39]
Pete Holmes
Not enough bus.
[14:40]
Harlan Williams
If I want to get hit by a bus, I want a double Decker or a Greyhound on the way to Bakersfield.
[14:45]
Pete Holmes
The dog or the bus?
[14:47]
Harlan Williams
I'd like to get hit by a dog and then a bus. I mean, why not? I like to double it up, you know? I like to double.
[14:54]
Pete Holmes
So here's the short film. We're gonna enter all the festivals. You're crossing the street on your way to Bakersfield. A lean, gray greyhound dog runs into you. You kind of pick it up and.
[15:04]
Harlan Williams
You go, oh, yeah.
[15:06]
Pete Holmes
Thank God it wasn't the other kind of greyhound.
[15:08]
Harlan Williams
Boom.
[15:09]
Pete Holmes
Before you can even say greyhound, you're smashed by a Greyhound bus.
[15:13]
Harlan Williams
And then it's a double greyhound.
[15:15]
Pete Holmes
Double greyhound. And I think it says fiend to give it kind of like an artsy flavor.
[15:19]
Harlan Williams
Oh, what now?
[15:21]
Pete Holmes
Fin.
[15:21]
Harlan Williams
Oh, the end. Fin.
[15:23]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[15:24]
Harlan Williams
Italian or French?
[15:26]
Pete Holmes
Walk, Finn. Walk. Fin. Phoenix means the guacamole is over. Lets rise again from the ashes.
[15:33]
Harlan Williams
That's not nice.
[15:34]
Pete Holmes
Wok fiend. That's over the line.
[15:37]
Harlan Williams
You know he can't eat guacamole because of his cleft lip.
[15:41]
Pete Holmes
It's been fixed, man.
[15:43]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, but it's still guac ready. It's demented. It looks like he's whistling with barbed wire.
[15:48]
Pete Holmes
I can't join you on this riff.
[15:50]
Harlan Williams
Well, you're the one that started white tamed.
[15:53]
Pete Holmes
I just brought up wok feet.
[15:54]
Harlan Williams
You said kwa quim, and then you said avocado wok cream.
[15:58]
Pete Holmes
Phoenix is a different person.
[16:00]
Harlan Williams
Dude, the guy's lip is. I'm aware that he has Predator 3.
[16:05]
Pete Holmes
Or.
[16:05]
Harlan Williams
Or. What's that one? No, the. The one with the. The guys in the leather and the. The thing in Rome. They're glad they're there.
[16:14]
Pete Holmes
Gladiator.
[16:15]
Harlan Williams
Oh, they're gladiators. Yeah. His lip is like, seven ways to Thursday, bro.
[16:20]
Pete Holmes
That's not.
[16:22]
Harlan Williams
It looks like he got an apple at Halloween. There was a Gillette in it.
[16:26]
Pete Holmes
That was a rumor that.
[16:29]
Harlan Williams
Get your lips.
[16:30]
Pete Holmes
It's a birth thing.
[16:32]
Harlan Williams
I don't know. If him and Angelina Jolie put those lips together, you'd have, like, the. The Caesarean gap and the. You know that. Where James Cameron went down in the ocean with the deepest part.
[16:43]
Pete Holmes
Are we gonna bring the people that died looking for the Titanic into this riff?
[16:47]
Harlan Williams
The Crush family. You know what? No, I'm not kidding. Did you watch the footage? One of the kids was drinking a Grape Crush.
[16:55]
Pete Holmes
That can't be.
[16:56]
Harlan Williams
Dude, look at the foot. He's got a Grape Crush halfway to his lips and the thing crushed and Nestle Crunch Bar.
[17:03]
Pete Holmes
I'll join you because you're my guest. I have to.
[17:05]
Harlan Williams
I am. Or are you my guest? Am I Calvin or am I Hobbs?
[17:09]
Pete Holmes
Hobbs was the only real one.
[17:10]
Harlan Williams
But I'm Hobbs.
[17:13]
Pete Holmes
Wait, wait, wait. Let's do clickbait. Did you know in Calvin and Hobbs, there's a theory that Hobbs is the only real one?
[17:19]
Harlan Williams
No. Tell me.
[17:21]
Pete Holmes
I think that'll go viral.
[17:23]
Harlan Williams
I think that reeked.
[17:24]
Pete Holmes
You didn't like it.
[17:25]
Harlan Williams
Well, it had no beginning, middle, and end.
[17:27]
Pete Holmes
Okay, well, then the beginning is. Did you know in. In Calvin and Hobbes, Hobbes is actually the only real one. Calvin is a figment of his imagination. And you can prove this?
[17:37]
Harlan Williams
I say. I say, yeah.
[17:40]
Pete Holmes
Leghorn was a man in a rooster costume.
[17:44]
Harlan Williams
I say. I'll say, nice boy, but about as sharp as a bowling ball.
[17:49]
Pete Holmes
I like that.
[17:50]
Harlan Williams
Remember that Foghorn Famous Foghorn Leghorn line? You didn't think I was going to come? Ready guy?
[17:55]
Pete Holmes
I know. I know you do bird impressions. I know you do bird impressions. I didn't know you did Foghorn Leghorn.
[18:01]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[18:02]
Pete Holmes
You know who I like?
[18:03]
Harlan Williams
Who?
[18:04]
Pete Holmes
You're on the podcast Even.
[18:06]
Harlan Williams
Heavens to Murgatroyd. Even. Exit Stage Podcast. Even. Let's make love in the bedroom. Even.
[18:16]
Pete Holmes
Is that Snagglepuss?
[18:17]
Harlan Williams
No, it's Steven.
[18:19]
Pete Holmes
Even Steven?
[18:20]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. You didn't know his name was Steven?
[18:23]
Pete Holmes
Steven. He's doing what you do, Har. He was doing your thing.
[18:30]
Harlan Williams
It's even Steve.
[18:31]
Pete Holmes
It's even Stephen. Even.
[18:34]
Harlan Williams
Even Steven Spielberg. Even.
[18:36]
Pete Holmes
Oh, Even Steven. Even Every. Wait, okay, so it's. Everybody likes it. We cut to Steven Spielberg. Standing ovation. Even Steven Even. There's your clip.
[18:49]
Harlan Williams
God, is that chair denim?
[18:52]
Pete Holmes
It is. This is a Jay Leno.
[18:53]
Harlan Williams
I thought it was a Levi's.
[18:55]
Pete Holmes
No, no, no Levi's. Oh, nah, I don't know. It's a Leno, you know, racist. Won't wear Levi's because they're made. But I think it's a Jewish company. So fun.
[19:05]
Harlan Williams
Really?
[19:06]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Skinheads won't wear Levi's.
[19:08]
Harlan Williams
Oh, what a shame, because they look so good in them.
[19:11]
Pete Holmes
A skinhead in a 501.
[19:12]
Harlan Williams
Oh, God.
[19:14]
Pete Holmes
I mean, cut a boot course with a little. A little fold and then the Doc Martens.
[19:21]
Harlan Williams
I mean, there's nothing like a neck stomp on a curb when you see a nice before you.
[19:30]
Pete Holmes
Okay. American history act.
[19:32]
Harlan Williams
There's my guy.
[19:33]
Pete Holmes
Reference noted. I just want to know, as I brought up racist, where Levi so I was like, why am I putting that quarter in this jukebox? Because you're gonna play chicken with me all day.
[19:45]
Harlan Williams
The music's gotta.
[19:47]
Pete Holmes
Music's gotta play.
[19:48]
Harlan Williams
But I feel like we went around. You had a legit question about the shooting of jfk. Oh, I did, and I believe there really was. Part of the mystery is if you watch the brassiere tape, his head goes forward. His head goes forward.
[20:05]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[20:06]
Harlan Williams
But then there's also. It goes back.
[20:08]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah.
[20:08]
Harlan Williams
And there's no way your head goes back if you're getting shot from behind. But he goes severely back.
[20:14]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
[20:15]
Harlan Williams
They claim that there was a shooter behind the grassy knoll.
[20:19]
Pete Holmes
Yes. And I was wondering, is it legitimate that they did release new information about that?
[20:26]
Harlan Williams
Yes.
[20:27]
Pete Holmes
That seems fake. That seemed fake the way you said it.
[20:32]
Harlan Williams
Well, you can. I mean, were you.
[20:36]
Pete Holmes
Where Were you on November 22?
[20:38]
Harlan Williams
I was at Noel Berry Farms going on the rides.
[20:42]
Pete Holmes
You mean Knott's Berry Farms?
[20:44]
Harlan Williams
Knott's Berry Farms.
[20:45]
Pete Holmes
There's got to be a sketch where a detective keeps helping the person. Like, you mean knots?
[20:51]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[20:52]
Pete Holmes
It's like. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. And it's like, stop helping him. Yeah.
[20:55]
Harlan Williams
And then he actually shows up at the trot, and he's still helping him.
[20:58]
Pete Holmes
Help the two good cops.
[21:01]
Harlan Williams
Helpful. Yeah.
[21:02]
Pete Holmes
Open it up.
[21:03]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[21:03]
Pete Holmes
You ever see that Letterman on Charlie Rose where he wants to light his cigar the entire interview? It's very funny. It's like he keeps trying to light it and.
[21:17]
Harlan Williams
Power sock. They call me Daddy Power Suck down at the ymca. Dude, stop, stop, stop. IMMED immediately.
[21:32]
Pete Holmes
Is the YMCA a hotbed for homosexual activity? I think it was, like, in the seventies.
[21:38]
Harlan Williams
I don't know. I do there go to do I use the steam room like this?
[21:41]
Pete Holmes
Well, that's gotta be ground zero if it's happening.
[21:44]
Harlan Williams
I don't know. It's so steamy in there. You can't see. You can feel things.
[21:48]
Pete Holmes
Everybody's gray in the gay.
[21:50]
Harlan Williams
It's almost like you're in the.
[21:51]
Pete Holmes
Everybody's gay in the gray. Excuse me. I said it wrong. Everyone's gay in the gray.
[21:54]
Harlan Williams
But when you get in the steam room, you don't know if it's gay or straight because you can't see.
[21:59]
Pete Holmes
That's what I'm saying.
[22:00]
Harlan Williams
So it feels like it's a myth. It's almost like being in a car wash.
[22:03]
Pete Holmes
When you go, yes.
[22:04]
Harlan Williams
Things that you don't know if it's a woman, a man, it's a mist of pleasure.
[22:08]
Pete Holmes
It's a Mist of pleasure.
[22:09]
Harlan Williams
Mist of pleasure.
[22:10]
Pete Holmes
You go in and you're so confused, but you leave relaxed. You have a cigarette.
[22:14]
Harlan Williams
I think of it like Skull island in King Kong, remember? Where they're lost in that. They call it a pea soup fog, maybe with a hint of bacon. And. And you come through. And they come through it. And there's Skull Island. It's not registered. It's not documented on any map. There's no topographic. And there's this mysterious island with this giant manape. He's 38ft tall.
[22:42]
Pete Holmes
Manape?
[22:42]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, huge manape. Have you seen King Kong? The Regime, the Orig. And the one with Jessica Lang and.
[22:51]
Pete Holmes
The Jordan Voight Roberts one? The new one, Skull Island.
[22:56]
Harlan Williams
No, those are the Peter Jackson ones with Jack Black. And then Skull Island. But there was one in between with Jeff Bridges and Jessica.
[23:07]
Pete Holmes
I just think this. There's a big ape over there. And I think we should give them a ride. It wasn't good at the end. It came out at the end wrong, though. I just think we should go to Skull island and take a look around.
[23:22]
Harlan Williams
And can I introduce a concept? What if he sees the hairy ape and he asks, does anyone have a razor?
[23:29]
Pete Holmes
Look at that thing, man. Does anybody have a razor? You need to shave this ape. And then you just got a big man now. Yeah, it's pretty good. It got better as we went. Jeff Bridges is.
[23:43]
Harlan Williams
I don't like to swear, but. Oh, my fucking Christ. What did I just see? You are like a bridge over troubled impressions. Wow. Pop goes the weasel.
[24:01]
Pete Holmes
A bridge over troubled impressions. I've never seen a King Kong that made me feel like he was really big. Because once you get close on him, he just looks like a gorilla. I need. I need that perspective.
[24:15]
Harlan Williams
But didn't they do that the whole movie? Really? Yeah.
[24:17]
Pete Holmes
Now that you say it.
[24:19]
Harlan Williams
Did you watch it on a. On your apple? I watch or something? I mean, what are you talking about?
[24:23]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, now that you say it.
[24:25]
Harlan Williams
Movie was predicated on making it look huge. Were you squinting the whole time? Good Lord. Learn how to use your eyes, please. Okay, you're a good talker, but learn to use the eyes.
[24:39]
Pete Holmes
Have you ever said something and immediately you're like, what am I saying? Like, that was.
[24:45]
Harlan Williams
And you're so deep into it, you can't get out.
[24:47]
Pete Holmes
You can't get out.
[24:48]
Harlan Williams
Realize it's a huge blunder.
[24:50]
Pete Holmes
It's a blunder.
[24:51]
Harlan Williams
So now you gotta try to convince the other person. But I didn't take the bait. The ant didn't walk into the ant trap.
[24:58]
Pete Holmes
And if I can give myself a compliment, at least I immediately collapsed. I just was like, I don't know what I'm talking about.
[25:04]
Harlan Williams
And what's so gracious about you is that you fessed up to it and you admitted you didn't try to hide and weave.
[25:11]
Pete Holmes
Just say, I don't know what I. Why?
[25:13]
Harlan Williams
It was beautiful. It was beautiful to see the honesty, integrity. We need more people see that in today's landscape. Today.
[25:20]
Pete Holmes
You're absolutely right.
[25:21]
Harlan Williams
I love you for that.
[25:22]
Pete Holmes
We need more of it.
[25:23]
Harlan Williams
Thank you for. Thank you for that. Just wonderful to see. It's just missing in society.
[25:30]
Pete Holmes
Harlan, what makes you happy?
[25:33]
Harlan Williams
Oh, God, I love happy faces. You know, the emoji, the happy face.
[25:38]
Pete Holmes
That can't be your answer.
[25:40]
Harlan Williams
It is. Yeah. Happy.
[25:41]
Pete Holmes
Your answer can't be the happy face. Emoji.
[25:44]
Harlan Williams
Cancer. Can't be what?
[25:46]
Pete Holmes
Your cancer.
[25:47]
Harlan Williams
What did you say?
[25:49]
Pete Holmes
What is the. Wait, when we. When we cure cancer.
[25:52]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[25:54]
Pete Holmes
Giant stage doctor comes out and goes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the cancer answer. The curtain falls down and they just unveil it.
[26:11]
Harlan Williams
Wait, they unveil what?
[26:12]
Pete Holmes
Don't call it the cure for cancer. Say we're looking for the cancer answer. I'm just saying it's a grim topic. Lighten it up a little bit.
[26:22]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[26:23]
Pete Holmes
Do you agree?
[26:24]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. I thought you were kind of going with, is there a. Because we're talking emojis. I thought you're gonna say the curtain falls and there's a cancer emoji.
[26:33]
Pete Holmes
There is no cancer emoji, which is.
[26:35]
Harlan Williams
Sort of lame because you have one for shit.
[26:37]
Pete Holmes
Right. But that's as dark as apple bowel.
[26:40]
Harlan Williams
Movement with eyes on it, and it's smiling.
[26:42]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[26:43]
Harlan Williams
Like it's a happy.
[26:44]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, happy.
[26:45]
Harlan Williams
So why can't there be a black melanoma scab with eyes and just, you know.
[26:49]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[26:50]
Harlan Williams
Why can't we make cancer happy again the way it used to be?
[26:53]
Pete Holmes
Well, I don't. Cancer happy again. Is that your hat? Is that what your hat says?
[26:58]
Harlan Williams
No, it says, be a good human. You're a good human.
[27:00]
Pete Holmes
Sorry, I didn't even read it.
[27:02]
Harlan Williams
I met a training guy, came up to me the other day, thought he could. He thought it said, have some good humus. Or hummus.
[27:08]
Pete Holmes
Have some good hummus.
[27:10]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[27:10]
Pete Holmes
Or Hunan beef. Be a good Hunan.
[27:13]
Harlan Williams
Be a good Hunan.
[27:14]
Pete Holmes
Be a good. Oh, you're eating some beef, and you go, you haven't eaten it yet. And you go, oh, please. Be a good Hunan, please.
[27:21]
Harlan Williams
Imagine you have a hat that says, be a good Hunon. And you can feel someone looking at you at a diner. And you look over and there's a cow just glaring at you.
[27:30]
Pete Holmes
That's our second short film. Oh, right on the nards. Right on the dragonfly.
[27:37]
Harlan Williams
There's a sponge on here.
[27:38]
Pete Holmes
That's why you think this is for wind. It's actually because we're always dropping.
[27:43]
Harlan Williams
We're dropping it on the old Lululemon.
[27:46]
Pete Holmes
Right on the Lululemon.
[27:47]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. By the way, on the way over here, I got into a bitch slap.
[27:51]
Pete Holmes
What?
[27:52]
Harlan Williams
There's an old lady and I. What are you drinking, by the way?
[27:58]
Pete Holmes
This is just a green. Look at dark green. That is. That's a dark green.
[28:02]
Harlan Williams
Like Shrek's urine sample.
[28:04]
Pete Holmes
I mean, I had a dream about Mike Myers last night.
[28:07]
Harlan Williams
I said Shrek.
[28:08]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, but who is the voice of Shrek? Don't say Chris. Oh, Donkey, no. Oh, it went on the nards again. The Lulus.
[28:19]
Harlan Williams
Yes.
[28:20]
Pete Holmes
You gotta get it clear of the lulu. So if you're gonna drop the mic, it needs to be.
[28:23]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, it's like a. What? You did. You did. Sign of a drop throw.
[28:29]
Pete Holmes
Dt. Yeah.
[28:30]
Harlan Williams
Oh, nice. Good technique. Yeah.
[28:32]
Pete Holmes
You love emojis.
[28:34]
Harlan Williams
Well, emojis, yeah, but I was saying we should have. We should have a happy cancer.
[28:38]
Pete Holmes
Oh, yeah, but that's what I was gonna say. I think with the new iPhone, you can tell it to make you an emoji. So you couldn't say that, but you could say, make a black circle with a smiley face. It would do it.
[28:51]
Harlan Williams
That could be misinterpreted as a Rorschach emoji, though.
[28:54]
Pete Holmes
Rorschach. Like a Rorschach. Rorschach. Rorschach.
[28:58]
Harlan Williams
Rorschach.
[28:59]
Pete Holmes
Rorschach.
[29:00]
Harlan Williams
Rorschach from Night Stalker.
[29:02]
Pete Holmes
Emoji from Watchmen.
[29:04]
Harlan Williams
Yep.
[29:04]
Pete Holmes
Rorschach.
[29:05]
Harlan Williams
Raschok.
[29:07]
Pete Holmes
Raschok.
[29:08]
Harlan Williams
Also a flavor of Baskin Robbins. It's like black licorice and vanilla. And you get, like, in on some bubblegum. You get a comic at the bottom of the cone, you get a psychological evaluation.
[29:19]
Pete Holmes
I like that.
[29:20]
Harlan Williams
Wonderful.
[29:21]
Pete Holmes
Was there cones that had cartoons at the bottom?
[29:23]
Harlan Williams
No. But the Ross Shaw cone at Basket, that Baskin Robin down in the bottom, it has. It's almost like a fortune cookie, but as a psychological evaluation.
[29:33]
Pete Holmes
Like Basket case Robins.
[29:36]
Harlan Williams
Daddy put the candle in the window and the apple cobbler in the oven. Baby's coming home.
[29:50]
Pete Holmes
Who's better than you? I'm going to say this. We need. How much would people pay to just have you spend their birthday with them? Like it's somebody's birthday.
[30:02]
Harlan Williams
I don't like birthdays. I'm anti birthday. I hate placenta. I want. We were all born. We were. When we're all born, we're covered in placenta.
[30:10]
Pete Holmes
That's true. The seaweed of the womb.
[30:12]
Harlan Williams
Right. And I just. It. The smells never left me. And so whenever. Whenever I get around a birthday or even. It's just these traumatic memories of. I almost feel like I'm in this swimming and bean with bacon Campbell soup without a cracker. Definitely not soon enough.
[30:46]
Pete Holmes
I want to watch that again because you're doing the riff. I think it's over. So I start talking and then you slip in without a cracker.
[30:56]
Harlan Williams
Slipped it under a Ritz.
[31:00]
Pete Holmes
It was like getting hit in the face with an oar. It was unbelievable. Well done.
[31:04]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. Thank you. Or also one of my favorite minerals.
[31:08]
Pete Holmes
Or.
[31:08]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. Or. Or. Yeah. Iron ore. Oh, I know you're referring.
[31:13]
Pete Holmes
To the paddle, but there's another ore, and I don't mean Bobby. Yeah, we're talking about the mineral third. Or.
[31:19]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[31:19]
Pete Holmes
And then also.
[31:20]
Harlan Williams
Or. By the way, can canoeists get strokes? If you had a stroke while you were canoeing, would you be able to know if it was a. Yeah.
[31:32]
Pete Holmes
Or is this me?
[31:33]
Harlan Williams
Were you dying?
[31:35]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Is this what I'm doing? Or is this what's being done to me?
[31:38]
Harlan Williams
Right. And what if you're in the middle of a severe stroke and someone yells, nice stroke.
[31:44]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[31:44]
Harlan Williams
You're just like.
[31:45]
Pete Holmes
And then you die offended. Which was one of the worst ways to die. What about you had a stroke while you were golfing, Which I have to think happens every day. But then you come back and someone goes, hey, Phil, you're better. What's your secret? And he went, I took a stroke off my game.
[32:04]
Harlan Williams
Oh, what if he had three more strokes?
[32:07]
Pete Holmes
The stroke. That's the thing that kills you.
[32:10]
Harlan Williams
No, but someone yelled four because he's.
[32:14]
Pete Holmes
He goes, I have three more strokes. And then someone goes, four. And he goes, all right.
[32:18]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, four. It's like a golf themed death.
[32:21]
Pete Holmes
I mean, there's got to be funnier ways to die.
[32:25]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[32:25]
Pete Holmes
Fifteen, love. Hey, tennis. How about one? Nothing. Yeah, 15, love. What are you just.
[32:34]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[32:34]
Pete Holmes
Making shit up.
[32:36]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. There actually are funnier ways to die, and a few people experienced it. Are you familiar with John Wayne Gacy?
[32:43]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[32:44]
Harlan Williams
He dressed as a clown. Hilarious. And a feek. He probably took out. I think they found about 34 bodies in his basement.
[32:51]
Pete Holmes
Was that true?
[32:52]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, under the. Encased in cement. So what funnier way to die than by a clown. I mean, I mean, you brought it up. I'm just.
[33:01]
Pete Holmes
But our clowns. Is it because before John Wayne Gacy were clowns terrifying? They were. Right.
[33:07]
Harlan Williams
Well, that's what people say, but I think it's just somebody said that and thought it sounded sort of catfished, but I think it's pretentious.
[33:14]
Pete Holmes
It's like being like Chuck E. Cheese is scary.
[33:16]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. Like happy face emojis caused me to murder in the night.
[33:20]
Pete Holmes
You know what Adam. Name drop Adam McKay taught me on this podcast is that clowns are to help us laugh at drunks. So like our scary drunk dads. So they have red noses, red cheeks, big floppy shoes, and they're always falling down. And it's a way for us to culturally be like, laugh at the scary horror of your drunk. Who. Maybe it's your dad, maybe someone else. But the scariness of a grown up, that's out of control.
[33:45]
Harlan Williams
That would be a great way so we don't have to spend all our tax dollars on these. These ride check things, you know? Oh, stop. You, like bartenders have to do clown makeup on a drunk. So when they get behind the wheel.
[33:59]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[34:00]
Harlan Williams
You just have to. When you're dry. Oh, God, there's bongo.
[34:03]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[34:03]
Harlan Williams
Let's get around and get around. Chuckles, you know, and the cops are.
[34:07]
Pete Holmes
Excited when they pull over a clown because, you know, you caught 75 clowns.
[34:11]
Harlan Williams
In that one car in the trunk. Yeah.
[34:15]
Pete Holmes
If you get drunk.
[34:16]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[34:17]
Pete Holmes
They should put clown makeup on you.
[34:19]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[34:19]
Pete Holmes
I'd like to know if you figure out mid conversation like, oh, this guy's fucked up.
[34:24]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[34:25]
Pete Holmes
I'd like to know. Here comes a clown.
[34:27]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. Some people can hide it real well, like being drunk. Yeah. They're called functioning alcoholics.
[34:33]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Because it just gets them to baseline.
[34:35]
Harlan Williams
Right. My. This was a sad story. My. When my father passed away, his coroner was a. Was a closeted alcohol and function. And they leave telltale signs. Like they. They look so normal when we were talking to him. And then when we, you know, they showed his body at the funeral and my father's face was on backwards. I mean, this guy, just a functioning drunk, but you don't know it till they leave a clue.
[35:03]
Pete Holmes
So his, like, his eye makeup was down here?
[35:05]
Harlan Williams
No, his face was on the back of his head.
[35:07]
Pete Holmes
Oh, that's even worse.
[35:09]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[35:09]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[35:09]
Harlan Williams
It was just bizarre. I mean, we had to roll him over just to whisper in his ear.
[35:21]
Pete Holmes
What's great is his ears would be in the same spot, but I liked it.
[35:25]
Harlan Williams
I still really liked it. Trying to make it work great.
[35:28]
Pete Holmes
It worked every. It was. It was a cracker moment.
[35:31]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[35:31]
Pete Holmes
With a cracker. Why are we putting makeup. Are you gonna cremate?
[35:37]
Harlan Williams
I might. I mean.
[35:39]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, I. I don't know.
[35:41]
Harlan Williams
Usually have my coffee black. But.
[35:45]
Pete Holmes
I just mean when you go to a funeral.
[35:47]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[35:48]
Pete Holmes
And the corpse often, like, they're flattened. Like, if they had a big belly that's gone. This is very dark. But then also, like, because they've been kind of, like, excavated, I guess.
[36:01]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. They've had all their innards sucked out.
[36:04]
Pete Holmes
I don't know about sucked out.
[36:05]
Harlan Williams
They're embalmed.
[36:06]
Pete Holmes
Is that what embalmed means?
[36:08]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. Well, what they do is they remove a lot of, like, the intestines and all the. All the guts, like gutting a fish.
[36:14]
Pete Holmes
Why?
[36:15]
Harlan Williams
Because that's the stuff that rots and causes gas and stink. Oh, really? You ever got a fish? Have you ever caught a fish?
[36:23]
Pete Holmes
No.
[36:23]
Harlan Williams
Basically, you just rip the innards out. It's same as when you skin an animal. You. You let all the innards drop out because that's the stuff that corrodes and. Oh, and then. And then they inject you with embalming fluid.
[36:36]
Pete Holmes
Is this Canadian stuff?
[36:37]
Harlan Williams
No, this is international. Except in India, where they burn people on what's called a funeral pyre.
[36:42]
Pete Holmes
A ghat?
[36:43]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[36:44]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[36:44]
Harlan Williams
I think there's a line in Come on, Baby, Light My Fire by the doors.
[36:48]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[36:49]
Harlan Williams
Our love is like a funeral pyre oh, yeah Come on, baby, light my fire Try to set the night on fire the time to hesitate is true no time to wallow in the mire Try now, we can only lose and your love become a funeral fire Come on, baby, light my fire Come on, baby, light my fire it's also.
[37:22]
Pete Holmes
Might as well be walking on the.
[37:25]
Harlan Williams
Sun oh, yeah Might as well be walking on the sun.
[37:33]
Pete Holmes
Darling, couldn't get.
[37:34]
Harlan Williams
Much higher.
[37:37]
Pete Holmes
That to say to you Ain't no joke Come on. Says sign is old and don't end in the world to sing in perfect harmony and with our world it might.
[37:53]
Harlan Williams
As well be walking on Put away the crack before the crack put you away My favorite line. You know where I heard that song? Driving in a car for the first time in Miami with Ben Stiller. We were shooting something about Mary, and he took me to a basketball game, and we're. He was driving, and we're in the car, and that song came out. So that memory just came back. Memory? Yeah, it just popped into my head.
[38:21]
Pete Holmes
But if Ben Stiller was Wearing like a suit made out of human flesh to protect him. Oh, he's a very fit man.
[38:28]
Harlan Williams
He is. Yeah.
[38:29]
Pete Holmes
And I'm sort of caught that Play DOH Fun Factory body.
[38:33]
Harlan Williams
Wow.
[38:34]
Pete Holmes
I got that. Play doh Fun.
[38:36]
Harlan Williams
Don't forget Plato was a God.
[38:38]
Pete Holmes
I know. And my dick is actually the starship. You know? You know when you push it through the. The thing.
[38:45]
Harlan Williams
A star shape.
[38:47]
Pete Holmes
You know, when you put you through the thing.
[38:49]
Harlan Williams
I had to choose Plato.
[38:51]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, Plato. What did you think I meant?
[38:52]
Harlan Williams
I said Plato was a God. Your body is godlike.
[38:57]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Have you heard about Plato's Cave?
[38:59]
Harlan Williams
Yes.
[38:59]
Pete Holmes
It's just a fun cave. You go in and make fun things. Shapes, animals.
[39:03]
Harlan Williams
Where is it though? Geographically?
[39:05]
Pete Holmes
Plato's Cave.
[39:06]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[39:07]
Pete Holmes
Well, I think it's a metaphor for reality. So we're in Plato's Cave right now. But Plato's Cave is a offshoot of Mattel Land.
[39:17]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. Play doh.
[39:18]
Pete Holmes
Play doh.
[39:19]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[39:19]
Pete Holmes
Socrates.
[39:21]
Harlan Williams
And the original Play DOH was like a pasty white honky color.
[39:25]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[39:26]
Harlan Williams
And you could press it on colored comics.
[39:28]
Pete Holmes
You're talking about Silly Putty.
[39:29]
Harlan Williams
Silly Putty.
[39:31]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Silly Putty was Elaine's boyfriend on Seinfeld.
[39:35]
Unknown
Child.
[39:35]
Pete Holmes
Did you know Jim Carrey very well?
[39:38]
Harlan Williams
Not super well until I met him. Wait, I guess. Isn't that how it works with everyone? What guess? I gotta.
[39:50]
Pete Holmes
Ireland. You could have taken a 45 minute break quietly in a room and got.
[39:56]
Harlan Williams
To, by the way, like I'm this close guy.
[39:59]
Pete Holmes
What's the funniest way to answer the question? Do you know Jim Carrey well? And he said, no, not before I met him.
[40:10]
Harlan Williams
Someone asked me something the other day. I said, I gotta get to the 24 hour McDonald's drive thru before it closes.
[40:16]
Pete Holmes
That's too good. You said that. Yeah, it's just too good. That's a great, like bad. Sorry, I gotta get to the 24 hour McDonald's. Yeah.
[40:24]
Harlan Williams
Before it closes. It's a great way to get out of any event or function.
[40:29]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, I like.
[40:30]
Harlan Williams
And they don't realize what they. They don't do the math until later.
[40:33]
Pete Holmes
Unless it's.
[40:34]
Harlan Williams
They're like, wait a minute, it's 24 hours. What's he talking about? That scoundrel? He didn't want to talk to us. We have a lisp. We've got a Jaquin Phoenix lift.
[40:49]
Pete Holmes
Walk, fiend, guacamole. When did you meet Jim? I just saw that. You credit him as helping you break through.
[40:59]
Harlan Williams
Oh yeah, man. Jim. Jim. I met Jim the first time I met Jim was. He hosted a comedy festival up in Toronto, I believe.
[41:14]
Pete Holmes
Okay.
[41:15]
Harlan Williams
And I was on it, and he was. He was bringing out all the guests.
[41:19]
Pete Holmes
Is this pre Ace Ventura?
[41:22]
Harlan Williams
Yes. This was when he was on In Living Color.
[41:25]
Pete Holmes
Oh, okay.
[41:26]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. He hadn't done any movies yet, and. And then I met him there, just briefly because he was the host. And then this was just when I had just made my move to la. And then once I was in la, he became aware of me and then he. We would do shows together at the Laugh Factory and stuff. And.
[41:49]
Pete Holmes
Wow.
[41:50]
Harlan Williams
He. He took a liking to me, liked my comedy. And. And. And so we got to know each other and became friends. And then he was the one that recommended me for Dumb and Dumber and.
[42:01]
Pete Holmes
Oh, yeah, to the Fairlies.
[42:03]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. So that was my first movie and that was thanks to him. So thanks, Jim.
[42:07]
Pete Holmes
Thanks, Jim.
[42:08]
Harlan Williams
Thanks, Jimmy.
[42:09]
Pete Holmes
Thanks, Dr. Robotnik.
[42:11]
Harlan Williams
Jimmy.
[42:12]
Pete Holmes
He always wants to be called his most recent character. I don't know if you knew that.
[42:15]
Harlan Williams
Oh, he does.
[42:16]
Pete Holmes
So if you see Jim. Oh, it's a. It's an Andy Kaufman thing. It's like, you have to calm Dr. Robotnik or he'll punch you.
[42:22]
Harlan Williams
Is that from that movie? What's the Sonic?
[42:25]
Pete Holmes
Sonic?
[42:26]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[42:27]
Pete Holmes
Are you a big Sonic guy?
[42:28]
Harlan Williams
I'm more of a McDonald's guy. I like McDonald's a lot better. The burgers are just a little meatier.
[42:34]
Pete Holmes
Do you eat. Do you eat McDonald's? Yeah, I got the feeling that you might.
[42:37]
Harlan Williams
But you love it. Love it. I love Scottish food. I'm nuts for it.
[42:42]
Pete Holmes
Scott, I'm in the mood for Scottish food.
[42:48]
Harlan Williams
You want to go down McDonald's and get a Mac Hagus? Let's go have a Mac haggis and a Lochness shake.
[42:56]
Pete Holmes
The Lochness shake. It's only available in March. Is it?
[43:00]
Harlan Williams
Ah, I spilled it on me bagpipes. Shiver me timbers. Wait, that's. That's. That's Irish.
[43:08]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, we were doing Irish the whole time. Scottish is. You really gotta watch this one on video, guys. Like, you're like, hop on over to YouTube or you're just gonna be in your car. Like, is he in an iron lung? Oh, wow, Nice.
[43:28]
Harlan Williams
You know, there's a lung fish. There's a fish called a lungfish.
[43:32]
Pete Holmes
I don't like that.
[43:33]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[43:33]
Pete Holmes
Is that what the filet o fish is?
[43:35]
Harlan Williams
Well, it's interesting. It's a lungfish, but it's a fish and it lives underwater.
[43:39]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. The last place you'd want a lung, Right?
[43:41]
Harlan Williams
Because it's Called a gills.
[43:43]
Pete Holmes
It should be called a gillfish. Yeah, but it looks like a human lung.
[43:46]
Harlan Williams
I don't know. It looks sort of like it's eel. Like, it looks. It's very long and cylindrical.
[43:52]
Pete Holmes
Does it have lungs?
[43:52]
Harlan Williams
It's an ugly fish. Look, it looks almost like potatoesque.
[43:56]
Pete Holmes
I don't think you can say that.
[43:58]
Harlan Williams
I just did.
[43:59]
Pete Holmes
I don't know if you can say that anymore.
[44:00]
Harlan Williams
Well, can we take a vote? The nays for potatoes and the eyes for potatoes.
[44:07]
Pete Holmes
Well, the eyes are gonna have it, aren't they?
[44:09]
Harlan Williams
Because it's a potato.
[44:11]
Pete Holmes
Did I ruin it? Oh, it's on his ding Dong.
[44:13]
Harlan Williams
It's on his ding dong, yeah. Lungfish.
[44:17]
Pete Holmes
Do you eat a lot of fish?
[44:19]
Harlan Williams
I like to eat lungfish, but I find if I eat too much, it's hard to breathe. I mean, they just get stuck in my throat. Imagine getting the Heimlich maneuver because you're choking on a long fish. Wow, talk about the irony.
[44:35]
Pete Holmes
One of my first T shirt ideas, it's so bad, it said the Heimlich maneuver. Ask for it by name. Which, when you're choking, you can't ask for it. That's the joke. That's the kind of joke you have.
[44:46]
Harlan Williams
To juke for it by name, I guess.
[44:49]
Pete Holmes
Point for it by name.
[44:50]
Harlan Williams
Have you ever done the Heimlich?
[44:52]
Pete Holmes
No.
[44:53]
Harlan Williams
Have you ever performed it on somebody?
[44:55]
Pete Holmes
Oh, I thought you meant the popular dance in the 80s.
[44:58]
Harlan Williams
Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[45:01]
Pete Holmes
I remember that. Will Smith.
[45:04]
Harlan Williams
I did the Heimlich maneuver, and it was. I. I really. There's some things in life you don't think you can.
[45:10]
Pete Holmes
Wait, did you do it?
[45:11]
Harlan Williams
I performed the Heimlich maneuver on a guy, and of all things, he had a tracheotomy.
[45:16]
Pete Holmes
Stop it.
[45:17]
Harlan Williams
And so this fucking shrimp popped out of his throat like a cannonball out of a Civil War. Cannon flew across the room, hit someone in the forehead. There was an Indian guy with a bindi, and it hit him. Right.
[45:30]
Pete Holmes
You can't know the term. You can't know the term and make that joke. Somehow it negates it. I don't know.
[45:39]
Harlan Williams
Why negate me?
[45:40]
Pete Holmes
I don't know.
[45:41]
Harlan Williams
Isn't that how Nixon ended up losing?
[45:43]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, the. The big scandal. The Negate Hotel.
[45:47]
Harlan Williams
Oh, God. So can you give the Heimlich maneuver to someone with a. With a trachea? They probably just whistle like a jug.
[45:55]
Pete Holmes
What's that?
[45:56]
Harlan Williams
Never blow into a. Like if you gave a guy the Heimlich with a tracheotomy. If you did about seven of them, you could be a Dixieland band.
[46:05]
Pete Holmes
I think I have an app.
[46:09]
Unknown
This episode is brought to us by our friends at the Perfect Jean. I'll stand up of course I'm wearing my perfect jeans.
[46:14]
Pete Holmes
Why?
[46:14]
Unknown
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[49:21]
Pete Holmes
I just forgot what it's called. Oh, here it is. Ready? This is. You're going to be giving the Heimlich to somebody with a tracheotomy. Go ahead.
[49:39]
Harlan Williams
Oh, my God. That sounds more like a lungfish. Jesus. Sounds like a mouse orgasming.
[49:53]
Pete Holmes
Was it worth it to bring the phone out?
[49:55]
Harlan Williams
I liked it.
[49:56]
Pete Holmes
You liked it?
[49:56]
Harlan Williams
I like. I like electronic noises.
[49:59]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna love the future.
[50:01]
Harlan Williams
I am?
[50:02]
Pete Holmes
Oh, yeah. It's gonna be all the beeps and the boobs.
[50:05]
Harlan Williams
Oh my God.
[50:06]
Pete Holmes
Are you gonna allow micro robots to clean your arteries?
[50:10]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[50:10]
Pete Holmes
You will?
[50:11]
Harlan Williams
Oh, yeah.
[50:12]
Pete Holmes
You're in.
[50:13]
Harlan Williams
Of course.
[50:13]
Pete Holmes
Will you let them put something like a neural link? Will you accept a neural link?
[50:18]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[50:18]
Pete Holmes
You will?
[50:19]
Harlan Williams
I'm. I'm excited about all the futuristic technology stuff.
[50:24]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[50:25]
Harlan Williams
I mean, you know, that's like people on a wagon train crossing the great plains in the pioneer days going, I hope they never build a Corvette stingray.
[50:36]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[50:36]
Harlan Williams
Like, let's embrace the shit that's coming. I don't know why people are so scared of it.
[50:41]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, that's great.
[50:43]
Harlan Williams
And I'll tell you what, I said this to someone the other day.
[50:46]
Pete Holmes
Bobby Lee. Was it? Bobby Lee?
[50:48]
Harlan Williams
Who's that?
[50:53]
Pete Holmes
Keep going. Funniest thing you could have said.
[50:59]
Harlan Williams
Really?
[51:00]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. You like like a crossroads devil violin situation. You were like, make it. So I say the funniest thing. I go, was it Bobby Lee? And you go, who is that?
[51:12]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, who is it?
[51:14]
Pete Holmes
I mean, just the best. Keep going.
[51:16]
Harlan Williams
But what I was Saying is, you know, people have this trepidation about the future technology, AI.
[51:24]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[51:25]
Harlan Williams
And I contend that, that we're building towards something bigger and stronger. And like in 15 years people will be going, AI, remember that. Like, I think if there's a bigger force, if there's a bigger purpose to humanity, to life, to people, to the galaxies, I think that we're slowly being pushed up and up and up and we're going to crescendo and come to a place where we get over the hump and live in this, this elusive harmony that maybe we all crave and believe is out there somewhere.
[52:03]
Pete Holmes
Star Trek style.
[52:05]
Harlan Williams
Maybe. But Star Trek was riddled with conflict. Just about every planet they went to, there was fighting and war. Yeah, but when women with four pussy lips, I mean, I don't know, I didn't see, I didn't look in their underpants. But they were green. They definitely were green.
[52:20]
Pete Holmes
Nobody felt that one coming.
[52:22]
Harlan Williams
If you're green, you gotta have more than 2p lips.
[52:27]
Pete Holmes
He did it. You did it.
[52:28]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[52:29]
Pete Holmes
I'm saying whenever, whenever they reference Earth, like, did you watch the Orville? Orville. Seth MacFarlane's Sci Fi Show? No, similar situation. Earth is a utopia and that's why we have the Starcrafts to go and explore and kind of like bring enlightenment to the. It's very.
[52:44]
Harlan Williams
Right. Yeah, yeah.
[52:46]
Pete Holmes
But I, but I'm with you. I think there is definitely we have a chance. I mean, think about asking it to cure global warming, world hunger.
[52:54]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[52:54]
Pete Holmes
All those things. So I'm with you. I like that.
[52:56]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. I mean there's got to be. There seems to be a reason for everything in life. Whether you believe in God or you don't believe in God or you believe. I believe that there has to be some sort of invisible force that keeps pushing us forward and the human curiosity to never stop chasing new frontiers.
[53:17]
Pete Holmes
Yes.
[53:17]
Harlan Williams
And there's got to be a hardwired reason for that within us.
[53:21]
Pete Holmes
Well, it's interesting we have that.
[53:23]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[53:23]
Pete Holmes
And you're saying that's a clue to like the way the whole thing works.
[53:28]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. And it'll just keep going, never end. And the innovations. And you have to imagine that even though everything has a dark underbelly, I think the ultimate goal is to get to a place where everything could just be harmonious and like the Garden of Eden or Shangri La.
[53:47]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[53:48]
Harlan Williams
And maybe we'll get there. But I think if people carry that optimism and if they want to have skepticism about it, sure. But don't have zero optimism. I Think it's important to believe and have hope that there's this place, this utopia maybe we can sort of get to.
[54:08]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Well, it's funny. So many things talk about. Like, the first time the word robot was used, I learned this was in a play, and the play was about robots turning on us and killing us.
[54:19]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[54:19]
Pete Holmes
So we've had that concern since the beginning, since the word was invented. But we've also had these other things, like Star Wars, Star Trek, that are like, no, maybe we're going someplace where 3PO is a helpful translator and the world has spaceships and they're never. They never seem to be talking about a lack of blue milk.
[54:39]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[54:40]
Pete Holmes
Tatooine.
[54:41]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. Yeah.
[54:41]
Pete Holmes
Was it tattooing?
[54:43]
Harlan Williams
Who's tattooing? I wonder if hervey village has lived on tattooing.
[54:50]
Pete Holmes
Is that a guy with a lot of tattoos?
[54:52]
Harlan Williams
That was the guy from Fantasy Island.
[54:54]
Pete Holmes
Oh, tattoo.
[54:56]
Harlan Williams
That's what I said.
[54:57]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, but I didn't get it.
[54:59]
Harlan Williams
Well, I wish you would.
[55:01]
Pete Holmes
Taylor Swift.
[55:02]
Harlan Williams
No, thanks. I'm busy. Ow. You're caught on my thumb. Like, it's like I had a koala thumb for a second. You ever see koala thumb? They got these hands. Like, if I was a girl, I would definitely want to go to first. Blake. It's almost like God gave him, like, nipple flicking. Like, if you ever wanted to get groped by an animal critter, it would be a koala. Because they come in, they cup the breast, but then they got the little nipple flickers. Like, if that's. If you're allowed to say that.
[55:38]
Pete Holmes
You'Re.
[55:38]
Harlan Williams
Gonna have to watch this one on YouTube being recorded. It's audio.
[55:44]
Pete Holmes
No, it's audio, but it's also on YouTube.
[55:46]
Harlan Williams
Oh, yeah. If anyone's listening to this, they're an idiot. Like a stupid, moronic idiot.
[55:51]
Pete Holmes
You're not gonna see the nipple flicking koala thumb.
[55:54]
Harlan Williams
If someone's, like, in their car right now listening to this, can I just say it? You're an idiot.
[55:58]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[55:59]
Harlan Williams
Like a stupid.
[56:01]
Pete Holmes
Unless you have an iPad strapped to. Yeah, yeah. And you're watching.
[56:04]
Harlan Williams
If you're just listening to this, you're a stupid, moronic idiot. Pull over.
[56:10]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[56:10]
Harlan Williams
Take your signal on, get out of your car, slam your face on the guardrail, become dizzy, wander out into traffic, get hit by 12 cars and turn into a Domino's. Like Deli blend pizza.
[56:27]
Pete Holmes
Yes. Like a flat Domino's, Deli blend Pizza.
[56:32]
Harlan Williams
Up yours, listeners.
[56:33]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, that's what you want to do.
[56:35]
Harlan Williams
We want watchers here, not listeners.
[56:36]
Pete Holmes
We want Watchers and listeners.
[56:38]
Harlan Williams
No, no, because listeners are what? Stupid idiots. Dumb stuff.
[56:45]
Pete Holmes
Watchers are.
[56:46]
Harlan Williams
Watchers are genius. Brain developed lower cranium, upper cerebral.
[56:52]
Pete Holmes
Remember Weight Watchers?
[56:54]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[56:55]
Pete Holmes
You know, they say I'd rather watch paint dry.
[56:58]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[56:58]
Pete Holmes
I'd rather watch myself gain weight.
[57:00]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[57:01]
Pete Holmes
That's slower. Yeah, because you eat a big meal, how long before that gets stapled to your ass?
[57:07]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, right.
[57:08]
Pete Holmes
At least 30 days.
[57:10]
Harlan Williams
It's sneaky up on you.
[57:12]
Pete Holmes
It's like when you buy a movie on itunes, the bill comes, like, two days later.
[57:16]
Harlan Williams
Right.
[57:17]
Pete Holmes
They could bill you right away. They pace it out so you don't feel guilty. And it's the same with a Twinkie.
[57:24]
Harlan Williams
I love a girl. A fat girl with lots of cellulite, though. I use the little pockets. Like, I put change in them. I'll put car keys, and sometimes even a dollop of butter.
[57:35]
Pete Holmes
You know what's fun is you just. You just always keep me. I feel like we're walking around your Zen garden. Hear those stories about Zen masters that will then, like, hit you with a stick.
[57:44]
Harlan Williams
Yes, that's you. Bamboo stick.
[57:46]
Pete Holmes
Like, out of nowhere. A cellulite rift that I don't know how to participate in.
[57:50]
Harlan Williams
You don't. Have you ever gone out with a cellulite girl? They're almost like. Have you ever stuck your fingers in a bowling ball?
[57:56]
Pete Holmes
Stop.
[57:57]
Harlan Williams
Like you could grab a cellulite girl and pick her up by the leg.
[58:00]
Pete Holmes
Don't say a cellulite girl.
[58:03]
Harlan Williams
Just said it twice.
[58:05]
Pete Holmes
You can't say a cellulite girl.
[58:08]
Harlan Williams
I'm gonna say it a third time.
[58:09]
Pete Holmes
Every woman at a certain age has a little cell. Margot Robbie has some cellulite.
[58:14]
Harlan Williams
I'm talking about the deep one. The deep. The deep. Well, cellulite. Where you could, like, put a dollop of butter.
[58:24]
Pete Holmes
Say, the deep one.
[58:26]
Harlan Williams
If you ever had a. You ever have one of those lucky rabbit foots on a keychain? Like, you could put a whole lucky rabbit its foot into a deep one.
[58:34]
Pete Holmes
Oh, my God.
[58:35]
Harlan Williams
Like a deep cellulite hole.
[58:36]
Pete Holmes
That's how John Malovich got the bullets into the presidential dinner. In the line of fire.
[58:43]
Harlan Williams
Line of fire. In.
[58:44]
Pete Holmes
In the line of fire.
[58:45]
Harlan Williams
No, Frank, What I'm trying to tell you here. I have a buddy that does that whole run.
[58:50]
Pete Holmes
Oh, yeah. Michael Rosenbaum standing over the grave of another dead president.
[58:57]
Harlan Williams
Oh, my God.
[58:58]
Pete Holmes
No. What? Why did you shoot that duck, you asshole?
[59:04]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[59:05]
Pete Holmes
Then he kills him.
[59:06]
Harlan Williams
Wow.
[59:06]
Pete Holmes
That's his save the duck moment.
[59:08]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[59:09]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. What's your favorite movie? Wow, you seem Like a movie guy.
[59:15]
Harlan Williams
Oh, I love movies.
[59:15]
Pete Holmes
You seem like a cognac cigarette screening room guy. Like you love it.
[59:23]
Harlan Williams
I love it.
[59:23]
Pete Holmes
You do it properly.
[59:25]
Harlan Williams
I love Citizen Kane.
[59:26]
Pete Holmes
Do you really?
[59:27]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, you really do. I really love you Throw it on for kicks. No, but I love it. It's ingrained in my memory. I probably watched it about four times.
[59:36]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. All right.
[59:36]
Harlan Williams
And it just. The first time I saw it, it blew my mind.
[59:39]
Pete Holmes
I'd like to watch it again as a grown up because I saw it in high school.
[59:42]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. It's just when you. When you realize that it did so many things with the camera that had never been done.
[59:50]
Pete Holmes
Deep focus.
[59:51]
Harlan Williams
Well, it did all these things. And moving through. Through sets and coming up over windows.
[59:56]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, it was.
[59:57]
Harlan Williams
It was revolutionary.
[59:58]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah.
[59:59]
Harlan Williams
And then I love the. The original Blade Runner. Oh, I love that.
[60:05]
Pete Holmes
Did you like the second one? Because that's one of my favorite.
[60:07]
Harlan Williams
I didn't like it.
[60:08]
Pete Holmes
It's one of my.
[60:09]
Harlan Williams
It is.
[60:09]
Pete Holmes
It's one of my favorite Ritz. It is one of my favorites.
[60:14]
Harlan Williams
Oh, well, let's talk about the first one versus the one you like. Okay, go. Why?
[60:19]
Pete Holmes
Why first one? Yeah, I'm sure it's great.
[60:24]
Harlan Williams
You didn't see it?
[60:25]
Pete Holmes
I don't think I've ever seen it. I don't think I've ever seen it. I think I saw it again in high school. But if you're. I don't know. I need a little more hand holding.
[60:37]
Harlan Williams
Well, what then? Tell me what you loved about the second one. So much.
[60:41]
Pete Holmes
I love any movie with Ryan Gosling being a lonely guy trying to solve a crime.
[60:45]
Harlan Williams
Oh, that's it.
[60:46]
Pete Holmes
And Harrison Ford shows up.
[60:48]
Harlan Williams
Just a Gosling thing.
[60:49]
Pete Holmes
It's a. It's a sci fi Gosling thing. Not every.
[60:52]
Harlan Williams
So if Gosling wasn't in it, you wouldn't like it so much.
[60:55]
Pete Holmes
No. That could have been Gyllenhaal. I'm gonna recast it as Gyllenhaal right now. It could have been Joaquin Fiend, but.
[61:00]
Harlan Williams
It could have been any of them. But you're saying it's the actor that drew you to the movie, not the movie. Because to me, a movie's about the writing, the script, the directing, the lighting.
[61:11]
Pete Holmes
But I.
[61:12]
Harlan Williams
But you sound like all you care about is the leading man.
[61:15]
Pete Holmes
Well, that got me in the door.
[61:16]
Harlan Williams
Okay.
[61:17]
Pete Holmes
But then I do think the cinematography. There's a guy. It's fantastic. You didn't care for it?
[61:23]
Harlan Williams
I thought the cinematography was good. But if you hold it up to the original. Yeah, it's inferior. Yeah.
[61:30]
Pete Holmes
Are you sure?
[61:30]
Harlan Williams
Oh, yeah.
[61:31]
Pete Holmes
Are you just watching who you were when you first saw the first.
[61:34]
Harlan Williams
Hundred percent sure.
[61:35]
Pete Holmes
Really?
[61:36]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[61:37]
Pete Holmes
Really?
[61:37]
Harlan Williams
Very confident.
[61:38]
Pete Holmes
Okay, then I'm gonna try it again. I have seen it, but it's been a very, very long time. And I was probably 16 when I saw it.
[61:43]
Harlan Williams
But the second one, I just found the story wasn't. It was a bit of a letdown. The ending was a letdown. The. They didn't use the. The original one. The music done by Vangelis. Vangelis was. Was integral to the mood and the spirit of the original one. It's. It's unbelievable. And in the second one, they didn't tap into Vangelis's soundtrack until the very last scene, when Ryan Gosling's spoiler alert. Laying on the steps in the snow, dying.
[62:16]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Yeah.
[62:17]
Harlan Williams
And it was just like. So it was instrumentally a part of that movie. The soundtracks, it's. To me, it's as integrated as in the old Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns that Sergio Leone or whatever his name was, and that music defined those westerns. Whereas I think Vangelis's soundtrack and Blade Runner helped define that movie. And without it, in the second one, it felt just vacuous. Kind of like my sister's face, because she has a really wide face. She has halibut eyes. Have you ever seen a halibut? Yeah, Their eyes are. They. They start on the side of their head at youth, at infancy, and they migrate. And they migrate to the top of the head. And my sister's eyes are, like, right there. Like.
[63:09]
Pete Holmes
Wait, they're close.
[63:10]
Harlan Williams
They're close. But her forehead's really wide. Like, some kids got the belt when they were bad. My dad used to hit my sister with a canoe paddle with butter on it. He'd butter it first like you would.
[63:25]
Pete Holmes
Kill a fish in a boat.
[63:26]
Harlan Williams
Just slap her face to look buttered. Canoe.
[63:32]
Pete Holmes
Harlan Pepper, how very dare you? What else makes you happy? Not just emojis Happy. Yeah. You seem like a happy.
[63:39]
Harlan Williams
The world. Life, man. Just getting up and living and breathing and having a box of onion rings and making people laugh and talking and seeing the birds and the animals and the air. Just the air makes me happy alive, man.
[63:56]
Pete Holmes
Yes.
[63:57]
Harlan Williams
Everything makes me happy.
[63:58]
Pete Holmes
Yes. Yes, I believe it.
[64:01]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[64:02]
Pete Holmes
When I say you still, I just mean you've been doing stand up a really long time.
[64:05]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[64:05]
Pete Holmes
Did you ever not do stand up since you started?
[64:09]
Harlan Williams
No.
[64:09]
Pete Holmes
You just been doing.
[64:10]
Harlan Williams
Always do it, even when I'm doing other jobs. I love it so Much that. What if I'm. If I'm doing a movie or I'm somewhere doing something else? I will find the local comedy clubs, really? And just go up. Like, I've been in places. I was in Vancouver doing a sitcom for two years and they're grueling. And I'd get there at six in the morning and finish it nine at night and go from there right to the comedy club and go do a set. Like, I just. I just love it so much.
[64:41]
Pete Holmes
So you do it because it's fun?
[64:43]
Harlan Williams
I do it because it's fun. It brings me joy and it brings people joy and it's just, it's just, it's just. It's just wired in me to do it.
[64:51]
Pete Holmes
I love that.
[64:52]
Harlan Williams
Like a lungfish that needs to breathe.
[64:54]
Pete Holmes
Yes.
[64:55]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[64:55]
Pete Holmes
Well, it's funny. Here's where I would like to see if you're different than me. I'm doing a set tonight, for example.
[65:00]
Harlan Williams
Me too.
[65:01]
Pete Holmes
Where?
[65:02]
Harlan Williams
The Comedy Store.
[65:03]
Pete Holmes
What time?
[65:06]
Harlan Williams
Oh, that one. I heard that one. That one.
[65:08]
Pete Holmes
Really?
[65:08]
Harlan Williams
You know those, those balls, you do them, they go clack clack.
[65:12]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, I got them.
[65:13]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, that's.
[65:14]
Pete Holmes
I was a desk toy on that.
[65:16]
Harlan Williams
Your balls right now are going clack clack.
[65:18]
Pete Holmes
They still are. It's a perpetual motion machine through to the loom.
[65:21]
Harlan Williams
Undies.
[65:22]
Pete Holmes
They're me. And he's an old sponsor.
[65:24]
Harlan Williams
Okay.
[65:25]
Pete Holmes
I wonder if promo code weird still works. That's how the ad goes.
[65:28]
Harlan Williams
Oh, wow. Yeah.
[65:28]
Pete Holmes
I wonder if it still works.
[65:29]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, or promo code clackers. I'm at the store tonight at 8pm.
[65:35]
Pete Holmes
In the main room. Yeah, me too.
[65:37]
Harlan Williams
Me, you, Bob. Oh, yeah, me, you. Bobby Lee. Who's Bobby Lee?
[65:40]
Pete Holmes
Who is that? I'm excited to meet him.
[65:42]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, I'm excited you mentioned him early, but who is he?
[65:46]
Pete Holmes
I don't know. Huh.
[65:47]
Harlan Williams
Huh?
[65:47]
Pete Holmes
I don't know.
[65:50]
Harlan Williams
Bobby Lee Harvey Oswald.
[65:53]
Pete Holmes
Bobby Lee Harvey.
[65:54]
Harlan Williams
He's the guy that took out Kennedy Grassy. No, Lee.
[65:59]
Pete Holmes
He works at Zabruders.
[66:00]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, yeah.
[66:02]
Pete Holmes
Bobby Lee would work at Hooters and he'd be great.
[66:04]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, yeah.
[66:05]
Pete Holmes
Nobody would mind.
[66:05]
Harlan Williams
Cuz he's got chicken wings. He's got those little arms, those little Asian arms. Chicken wing arms.
[66:11]
Pete Holmes
Little Asian chicken wing arms. Yeah. I feel like we can say that.
[66:15]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, we can. We just did.
[66:18]
Pete Holmes
Should have said it yesterday. So I'm doing it tonight because I get a feeling. It's an uncomfortable feeling I get when I haven't performed.
[66:30]
Harlan Williams
That was a quickie because I didn't want to interrupt you.
[66:33]
Pete Holmes
I liked it.
[66:34]
Harlan Williams
Go Ahead.
[66:34]
Pete Holmes
Pure leaf brand tea. 38 grams of hard ones. I'm saying this is. I'm not crazy about this, by the way. I like what you just said. You like making people happy. It makes people happy. You like performing. You do it for the joy of it. That's part of the formula for me. But a lot of it has to do with like my own well being. Like, I'll perform. I'm going away for a week, so I'll perform tonight because I know I won't be able to perform for a week.
[67:02]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[67:02]
Pete Holmes
And I want to. Like, it makes me, me feel good and more balanced and stable.
[67:07]
Harlan Williams
Oh.
[67:08]
Pete Holmes
But there is sort of like a selfish component.
[67:10]
Harlan Williams
It's sort of therapeutic.
[67:11]
Pete Holmes
Therapeutic, I like that.
[67:12]
Harlan Williams
There's nothing wrong with that.
[67:14]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Is that part of your equation as well? Like, if you don't do stand up, do you start to feel a little itchy?
[67:20]
Harlan Williams
I don't rely on it. Like, you know, I don't, I don't need it for my mental state or mental stability or anything, but. But I just miss it because I enjoy it, you know?
[67:33]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[67:34]
Harlan Williams
So.
[67:35]
Pete Holmes
But you could go a couple weeks and it wouldn't like, hurt.
[67:37]
Harlan Williams
Oh, yeah, I've. I can go. I could go two months and it would be okay.
[67:42]
Pete Holmes
Okay. I love that.
[67:43]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. Yeah. I can shut it off, but I, I always know I want to return to it or I always want to do it.
[67:48]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Yeah. Where is it on your, on your list? Like doing movies. Doing your podcast, Harlan Highway.
[67:54]
Harlan Williams
Oh, thanks.
[67:55]
Pete Holmes
Doing stand up. What else do you got? Writing, animation, voice work. Like, what are your faves?
[68:01]
Harlan Williams
I think movies is the top.
[68:03]
Pete Holmes
You love movies the most.
[68:04]
Harlan Williams
Like, I love Stand up. It's. It's my through line.
[68:07]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[68:07]
Harlan Williams
It's my spine. It's your wife never goes away.
[68:10]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Yeah. It's your, it's your life.
[68:11]
Harlan Williams
But I always say, and it's a little bit sad, but it's true. Movies are ghosts or, Sorry, Stand up shows are ghosts.
[68:20]
Pete Holmes
Tell me what you mean.
[68:21]
Harlan Williams
Well, you do them, you say them and they dissipate and they vanish.
[68:26]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[68:26]
Harlan Williams
There's no record of them.
[68:28]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[68:28]
Harlan Williams
And most people, regrettably, if you go into the lobby after a show and say, what was my favorite joke? Most people draw a blank.
[68:36]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[68:37]
Harlan Williams
And I'm not condemning or insulting people. It's just people have a short term.
[68:42]
Pete Holmes
And I'll do you one worse. You ever have someone come up and say, I really love that joke you do about subway, and you're like, that was the guy after me.
[68:47]
Harlan Williams
That's right.
[68:48]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, that happens too.
[68:49]
Harlan Williams
That happens. Or it's even a guy that wasn't even on the show.
[68:52]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[68:53]
Harlan Williams
It's like some other guy's joke. Like Steven Wright joke from the 1980s.
[68:57]
Pete Holmes
That's right.
[68:58]
Harlan Williams
So sadly, stand up shows, whether you're in an arena or you're in a little dusty club somewhere, the shows are all ghosts. They all dissipate. They go away and they go to the grave with the people that saw them.
[69:11]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[69:11]
Harlan Williams
So there's no record of them. Even though they're wonderful and beautiful and they might have provided joy or therapy for someone in real time, they're gone for eternity. But a movie.
[69:23]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[69:24]
Harlan Williams
Lives in perpetuity.
[69:26]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[69:27]
Harlan Williams
That's what I love about movies. Even TV shows seem to fade away, but somehow movies seem to be the. The highest form of entertainment that stays present and is gen. Can. Can go past generations and. And move through different decades. And like we just talked about Citizen Kane.
[69:46]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[69:46]
Harlan Williams
And how impactful it was and how the artistry of it. And yet I think it was shot in the 50s. The 40s of the 50s. I think it was the 50s. Perhaps. But I mean, we still talk about Charlie Chaplin movies, the silent movies of Buster Keaton, like. Yeah, but you, you can't get back, you know, 3,000 Bill Cosby or George Carlin or Gary Shandling stand up shows, they're just, just. There's actually no proof they ever existed.
[70:17]
Pete Holmes
They were swept away. Yeah.
[70:18]
Harlan Williams
And it's sad. They're. They're beautiful in the moment. So I love that movies time stamp forever.
[70:25]
Pete Holmes
And I like that we haven't really changed that much. Like it used to be marble. You know, the marble guys, the sculptors would look at the painters and be like, well, you're one fire away. Like David would make it through a fire.
[70:38]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. Severely charred.
[70:40]
Pete Holmes
It'd be charred.
[70:41]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, it'd be.
[70:42]
Pete Holmes
There's a joke here. We're not gonna do it.
[70:44]
Harlan Williams
We're not.
[70:45]
Pete Holmes
No.
[70:46]
Harlan Williams
I don't think we should be joking about marble. It's one of the nicest rocks.
[70:51]
Pete Holmes
I love marble movies.
[70:52]
Harlan Williams
Oh, me too.
[70:53]
Pete Holmes
They're great, actually. I do feel like the tide is turning a little bit.
[70:58]
Harlan Williams
It is. They're becoming predictable, mundane, repetitive and boring.
[71:03]
Pete Holmes
Well, if you told me that a new Captain America Hulk movie came out and I was like, you saw it.
[71:09]
Harlan Williams
No, I refuse.
[71:10]
Pete Holmes
Well, I was zero. I'm not even shitting on anybody involved.
[71:13]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[71:14]
Pete Holmes
I'm just saying, like, I can't believe they've been a thing for so long. Yeah. That I aged out of them.
[71:19]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[71:20]
Pete Holmes
I'm like, I. I wasn't even a little bit curious.
[71:23]
Harlan Williams
No.
[71:24]
Pete Holmes
Harrison Ford's in it. And I'm just like, I don't care.
[71:28]
Harlan Williams
He's 90. I don't believe that a 90 year old guy turns into the fittest guy on the planet and turns red. Like a beat. You know, it's a spoiler.
[71:37]
Pete Holmes
But who cares?
[71:38]
Harlan Williams
Who cares?
[71:39]
Pete Holmes
Did you like Deadpool? Wolverine?
[71:41]
Harlan Williams
I liked it to a point. I find. I find when you have a movie where every single line is sarcastic.
[71:50]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[71:50]
Harlan Williams
I get bored.
[71:51]
Pete Holmes
Just think, like, if every sarcasm is a cilantro, it's supposed to be like, thank you. We need shirts that say sarcasm is a cilantro.
[71:59]
Harlan Williams
I like that. They should have that at Chipotle as a dish because that menu's getting stale.
[72:05]
Pete Holmes
It is.
[72:05]
Harlan Williams
Would you like the chicken?
[72:07]
Pete Holmes
Yes.
[72:08]
Harlan Williams
Or the cilantro or whatever.
[72:11]
Pete Holmes
Chipotle, listen up. You're killing it for now, but if you don't do something right, everyone's gonna drive by like it's their grandma's house.
[72:19]
Harlan Williams
Like, when are they gonna introduce shrimp?
[72:21]
Pete Holmes
Can we get a shrimp?
[72:23]
Harlan Williams
Some freaking shrimp.
[72:24]
Pete Holmes
Can we get a shrimp? Can we get a cucumber salsa? Like a fresh mango salsa?
[72:29]
Harlan Williams
It's always the same thing.
[72:31]
Pete Holmes
It's. You know what Chipotle is? I give up.
[72:34]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[72:35]
Pete Holmes
I fucking give up.
[72:36]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[72:36]
Pete Holmes
I know what it is. I know I'm going to be very full. I give up.
[72:41]
Harlan Williams
You're a chip off the old Oatley. Now here's the thing. The thing.
[72:47]
Pete Holmes
It took me that long to get it off the. Off the old Oatley.
[72:52]
Harlan Williams
Go on. But here's the thing. The sarcasm. I appreciate the writing. I appreciate the whip, but it's just like overkill. Because then I don't. At some point when I'm watching a movie, there needs to be a groundedness where I at least invest that this is sort of a real character.
[73:10]
Pete Holmes
And Deadpool as a franchise is always trying to do that. The bare minimum.
[73:15]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[73:16]
Pete Holmes
And it's actually admirable. When they pull it off, they'll have like one scene where he's a dad or he's getting married. And that's supposed to be another. Because everyone wants to just, like, mainline the mania.
[73:27]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[73:28]
Pete Holmes
And it used to be kind of the reverse formula.
[73:31]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. You know, the only place I think that really works well, it's not even sarcasm, it's more jokey, is like the airplane movies. But yeah. Deadpool. When every single line, like, you get A knife through your heart and you do a joke.
[73:44]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[73:45]
Harlan Williams
You cut a guy's head off and you do a joke that just. It's like I get bored because it's like, here comes another one. Like I run out of.
[73:52]
Pete Holmes
I think this is the age we're in. We're finding out that getting exactly what we want isn't always what we want.
[73:57]
Harlan Williams
Ooh, say that again.
[73:59]
Pete Holmes
We're living in the age where we're realizing that getting what we want isn't exactly what we want. It's not.
[74:03]
Harlan Williams
What? One more time in a girl's voice.
[74:06]
Pete Holmes
Well, I am a woman and I have a deep, sultry voice. Because you can't call one voice a woman's voice and another not a woman's voice. So this is my beautiful cigar smoking, bathtub taking, luxuriating in a beautiful velour gown.
[74:25]
Harlan Williams
Why are you grinding your hips while you do that?
[74:27]
Pete Holmes
I gotta get into my hips. My hips are how I find my woman.
[74:31]
Harlan Williams
Wow.
[74:31]
Pete Holmes
My woman voice.
[74:32]
Harlan Williams
I like this woman.
[74:33]
Pete Holmes
And I think this is the age of finding out. Wow. That what we want isn't always what we want, baby.
[74:42]
Harlan Williams
Wow. Thank you for that.
[74:43]
Pete Holmes
I went somewhere.
[74:44]
Harlan Williams
You did.
[74:45]
Pete Holmes
It was great.
[74:46]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, I was at the Hollywood Bakersfield, I think thing. Yeah.
[74:49]
Pete Holmes
Said Bakersfield a lot. That's where my brother in law lives.
[74:52]
Harlan Williams
I know. I have a tramp stamp of it on my. Right over my ass crack.
[74:56]
Pete Holmes
I mean that. You didn't even have to say where it is. That's where tramp stamps go.
[74:59]
Harlan Williams
I know.
[75:00]
Pete Holmes
Tramp stamp.
[75:01]
Harlan Williams
I got a tattoo in this. In my groin area. A new one.
[75:04]
Pete Holmes
What?
[75:05]
Harlan Williams
It's a. You're going to love it. Do you like animals?
[75:08]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[75:08]
Harlan Williams
It's a tattoo of a giraffe sleeping on a beanbag chair. And when I get excited, it actually stands up and projectile vomits. Vanilla yogurt. What? Why can't. When is it my turn to shine? God, what a good lord. Shouldn't have come here today. I shouldn't have come here today.
[75:38]
Pete Holmes
What are we going to do? We have to do something.
[75:42]
Harlan Williams
When?
[75:43]
Pete Holmes
You and me.
[75:44]
Harlan Williams
What are you talking about?
[75:45]
Pete Holmes
Somehow.
[75:46]
Harlan Williams
Oh, you mean like a project? Yeah, I mean we gotta a construction project or a creative project.
[75:52]
Pete Holmes
I was thinking construction. We could go into our life.
[75:54]
Harlan Williams
I'd love to slap a wall unit together with you.
[75:57]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Drywall.
[75:58]
Harlan Williams
Put drywall up and then a wall unit.
[76:01]
Pete Holmes
Somebody put drywall in my house. There's a hole in one of our walls and they had to do drywall. Uh oh, And I left. No, I left him for like 20 minutes. Minutes. I came back and it was done. And I was like, how did you do? Like I have no concept of how dry it was done.
[76:16]
Harlan Williams
Isn't it amazing?
[76:17]
Pete Holmes
How did you do it?
[76:18]
Harlan Williams
It's very few tools. I have a handyman that I use.
[76:23]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[76:23]
Harlan Williams
And this guy can do everything from drywall to shingling to carpentry to electric to plumbing. And it's humbling because you look at guys like us who sometimes people in different. Like whether you're. You work for Apple or you're an entertainer. You're. You're Stephen King. You're this prolific writer.
[76:43]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[76:43]
Harlan Williams
You think you're so.
[76:45]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[76:45]
Harlan Williams
You know. And people sort of put you on a pedestal and then. But who builds the out and do our stuff? Who builds the pedestal? That's an amazing way to put it. You look at a guy walk in a house and literally fix 12 things and you stand there and go, I can't do one of those.
[77:02]
Pete Holmes
We're useless in the post apocalypse.
[77:04]
Harlan Williams
So admirable. I completely agree. There's so much technique and artistry and it's backwards.
[77:10]
Pete Holmes
It's like teachers, mechanics, painters, construction workers. These are like any alien would be like, sorry, the guy that built that skyscraper. The 300 people that built it are like ne'er do wells. Smoking cigarettes and hooting at girls. Excuse me. These should be your king. But the guy that drew it on a piece of paper.
[77:32]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[77:33]
Pete Holmes
Let's get in line to suck his D. That's insane.
[77:36]
Harlan Williams
Oh, I didn't expect you to go there.
[77:38]
Pete Holmes
His derringer. It was a way of freshening breath in the Wild West.
[77:41]
Harlan Williams
A derringer? I thought it was a rifle. No, no.
[77:43]
Pete Holmes
The reason why derringer is the small guns is because a nickel has a sterilizing quality. So cowboys used to throw a small gun in there. You didn't know this?
[77:52]
Harlan Williams
No.
[77:52]
Pete Holmes
That's what, that's what suck my D means.
[77:54]
Harlan Williams
They throw a small gun in their mouth.
[77:56]
Pete Holmes
You put the small nickel. Derringer, what's it called? Sanitizes.
[78:01]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[78:02]
Pete Holmes
And you know, kills all the germs because of the metal. That's how they used to. They didn't have toothpaste in the Wild West.
[78:06]
Harlan Williams
Oh, shoot.
[78:07]
Pete Holmes
So that's why the gun was so small then you'd shoot it every once in a while as a joke. You'd pull it and someone go, why does it smell like bad breath in here? That was a lot of people's. Not their last words. Cuz the Deringer would just kind of yeah, but it would be the last thing you said before you were shot with a small bullet.
[78:22]
Harlan Williams
Oh, my goodness.
[78:23]
Pete Holmes
I didn't know history. People don't know history.
[78:25]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, I certainly don't.
[78:27]
Pete Holmes
People don't know history.
[78:28]
Harlan Williams
I don't even know what happened last year.
[78:30]
Pete Holmes
2024.
[78:31]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, I didn't even know it was. There was a four on the end of it.
[78:36]
Pete Holmes
There are some twists.
[78:37]
Harlan Williams
I thought it was 22.
[78:40]
Pete Holmes
22. And then question mark. It's like a cool party.
[78:45]
Harlan Williams
I thought it was 202, the year 200. There was a 4 on the end.
[78:50]
Pete Holmes
You don't hear a lot about the year 202 unless you have a friend named Korg.
[79:00]
Harlan Williams
Korg? Korg, like moose meat. Isn't that. Wasn't that a caveman year?
[79:06]
Pete Holmes
No, no.
[79:06]
Harlan Williams
Was 202A.D.
[79:07]
Pete Holmes
202.
[79:08]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[79:09]
Pete Holmes
Caveman year is like 3000 BC. I'm pretty sure.
[79:12]
Harlan Williams
Oh, my God.
[79:14]
Pete Holmes
You're a few. So Jesus is already born.
[79:17]
Harlan Williams
It's Jesus times BC means before Christ.
[79:20]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, they often say BCE before common era.
[79:23]
Harlan Williams
Or Baconator. It could be.
[79:24]
Pete Holmes
Baconator is a very popular sandwich. What's your favorite fast food thing to eat? We're almost out of time. So this, this can be.
[79:31]
Harlan Williams
How much time do we have? Because I have about a 45 minute story I wanted to tell. Oh, God. Whoa. Go, Speed Racer.
[79:44]
Pete Holmes
Let's see if I can do it.
[79:52]
Harlan Williams
Fax machine, Geiger counter.
[79:57]
Pete Holmes
Hear how it gets the little hairs.
[80:09]
Harlan Williams
Oh, yeah. It's like a post apocalyptic static ham radio.
[80:15]
Pete Holmes
The static is what makes it special.
[80:16]
Harlan Williams
You're in a bunker underground. Okay, you do that and I'll do the other part.
[80:21]
Pete Holmes
Are you doing Hitler?
[80:22]
Harlan Williams
No, I'm doing like the. The mysterious voice that breaks in. All of a sudden we're at the tank. We're at the beast. Bring seven people. We have guns. You know, there's always like a ham radio.
[80:36]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, it's the best. Pork based radio.
[80:40]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, they're so good.
[80:41]
Pete Holmes
It's better glazed.
[80:43]
Harlan Williams
I like a glazed ham radio.
[80:44]
Pete Holmes
Are you a ham guy?
[80:45]
Harlan Williams
Thanksgiving I am, yeah.
[80:48]
Pete Holmes
You carve up a ham, the whole.
[80:49]
Harlan Williams
Family gets on the ham, and we call people all over the country.
[80:53]
Pete Holmes
The whole family?
[80:53]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, the whole family. Mark Hamill homily.
[81:00]
Pete Holmes
The priest does a homily for Mark Hamill and the whole Hamley gives it a hand.
[81:05]
Harlan Williams
Wow. You're a Marvel superhero.
[81:10]
Pete Holmes
Those movies.
[81:11]
Harlan Williams
Wow. You were asking me what my favorite fast food was.
[81:15]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. But it was just to see where it would go. Oh, you look like a bucket of classic kfc.
[81:22]
Harlan Williams
I love kfc. But they get mad at me because I go in there and you know, the kids look and I go, just kid, let's go, let you know what.
[81:32]
Pete Holmes
I want make with the buck.
[81:34]
Harlan Williams
And they just stare at me. They go, they go, what do you mean? I said don't mess around zit face like. And they go, what? So I go, just give me the skin. Give me a bucket of skin. Nobody eats the damn chicken. We, we rip the skin off like a gazelle getting stripped by a pack of hyenas. We throw the damn chicken out the car window. Just save me the work. Just give me a bucket of skin, you zit faced, train track, brace teeth, greasy haired, touching your own anus in the bathroom freak.
[82:10]
Pete Holmes
Like, do you think for real, for real. If KFC put out a bento box and the main part of the box was just a pile of fried chicken skins and you serve it with chopsticks to class it up. So you have coleslaw, the skin pile and maybe some beans. Would people buy it?
[82:32]
Harlan Williams
I think so. I think it sounds like no, but that's what I mean. The reality is people would guiltily do it.
[82:39]
Pete Holmes
They would.
[82:40]
Harlan Williams
No one would admit to it. But if you went in and they had on the menu a stack of skin.
[82:45]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah.
[82:46]
Harlan Williams
And maybe some rice or something, like.
[82:49]
Pete Holmes
An accoutrement that you're not gonna eat.
[82:51]
Harlan Williams
Like, like you, you'd want just to maybe like maybe a thin piece of toast or something.
[82:56]
Pete Holmes
Something that. But that's why the chopsticks really helps it because you're eating it classy and you call it Raccoons Delight.
[83:02]
Harlan Williams
Oh yeah.
[83:03]
Pete Holmes
Like something the raccoons would find in the bag.
[83:05]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[83:05]
Pete Holmes
Because remember when the double down came out and everyone was like, what now a double down's like a totally normal concept.
[83:10]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[83:11]
Pete Holmes
Two chicken bees with a thing. A thing, huh?
[83:14]
Harlan Williams
I think box of skin. If people were, who worked for KFC were watching this, and I know a.
[83:20]
Pete Holmes
Lot of them do Chipotle watches, so we're gonna see some changes.
[83:23]
Harlan Williams
I think if they took a, did a test run of just selling skin. Skin.
[83:28]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[83:29]
Harlan Williams
And then they took the meat and made like a soup or something.
[83:32]
Pete Holmes
Or naked chicken. Yeah, that's for the health.
[83:36]
Harlan Williams
The health people.
[83:37]
Pete Holmes
Do you want it without the skin?
[83:38]
Harlan Williams
So if they start, we should be their marketing team.
[83:40]
Pete Holmes
Naked, wet, dark meat meat.
[83:42]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[83:43]
Pete Holmes
And the, it's like when Aqua Aquafina came out, it's just coke without the syrup.
[83:47]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[83:48]
Pete Holmes
And the bubbles say that.
[83:49]
Harlan Williams
What'd you Just say naked.
[83:50]
Pete Holmes
Naked, dark meat.
[83:52]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. I just got a flashback to the YMCA steam room. I'm sorry, but.
[83:57]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, you're holding on to that Canadian story. Your out is very Americanized, but you're sorry.
[84:02]
Harlan Williams
My out?
[84:03]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, you gotta. What? What? In the US we would call that a normal. Out, out, out. We say sorry.
[84:11]
Harlan Williams
Sorry, but I'm going out.
[84:13]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, it went from Canada and then we went south for that out.
[84:16]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. I like it that I still have my Canadian accent.
[84:19]
Pete Holmes
Got to keep your Canadian.
[84:20]
Harlan Williams
I like it when people point it out because it reminds me of home.
[84:23]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, you're clearly Canadian.
[84:25]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[84:27]
Pete Holmes
Have you ever seen a UFO or ghost? An alien?
[84:32]
Harlan Williams
I've wanted to badly.
[84:34]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[84:35]
Harlan Williams
And I think I might have seen UFOs once. I was on a walk in the Hollywood Hills, middle of the day with my ex girlfriend and.
[84:45]
Pete Holmes
What's her name? I'm just kidding.
[84:47]
Harlan Williams
How dare you?
[84:48]
Pete Holmes
What was her name?
[84:50]
Harlan Williams
Skin.
[84:51]
Pete Holmes
Skin pile.
[84:52]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[84:53]
Pete Holmes
With chopsticks, though. Classy. Classy.
[84:55]
Harlan Williams
Well, you can't have chopsticks at kfc. Now you're introducing a whole new culture.
[85:01]
Pete Holmes
I think you could eat that popcorn chicken with the chopsticks as well.
[85:04]
Harlan Williams
True.
[85:05]
Pete Holmes
I think. I think chops. I think chopsticks. At kfc, I think it would. He came out. Every once in a while, he comes out, get a chopstick on Air Force One, he ate them. I call them America sticks. They're flagless poles. Two flagless poles. And he. He'd eat the skin.
[85:26]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[85:26]
Pete Holmes
And he'd make it a sensation.
[85:28]
Harlan Williams
Ah, I love it. I. I would eat the skin. But I was. I was on a walk once and I just. I don't even know why. I looked up into the sky. We stopped to talk to someone and I sort of drifted. And I'm looking and it's a clear day, no clouds. And I looked way, way, way, way up. Like just way. And I just see these little three.
[85:49]
Pete Holmes
It's always three.
[85:50]
Harlan Williams
It almost looked like. Like the head of a nail. These three little dots, but in a triangle shape.
[85:56]
Pete Holmes
It's always a triangle.
[85:57]
Harlan Williams
And it was way up there. And it was one of those things. You could barely see it, but I could see it. And it wasn't moving. They were just sitting there. And after a couple of minutes, I said to my girl, I said, do you see that? She goes, where? And I said, just look way up there and then focus. And she saw it too. And then I took my phone and I tried to film it, but it was so far up it wouldn't even read. Just These little dots. So it had to be something like. It definitely technically was a ufo. Unidentified flying object. Because it was up there.
[86:30]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[86:31]
Harlan Williams
But I've never had the classic, you know, the hovering.
[86:34]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, but that's the new classic, the three dots.
[86:37]
Harlan Williams
Oh.
[86:37]
Pete Holmes
It's called the Dorito.
[86:39]
Harlan Williams
Oh, wow.
[86:40]
Pete Holmes
And it's often orange. But like, we. There's some comedians I know, they were in Porch in Brooklyn. Three dots came, did a little rotate and.
[86:48]
Harlan Williams
Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that stuff. Yeah. I believe there's got to be something out there.
[86:54]
Pete Holmes
I mean, if I was an alien and I saw your stand up, I'd be like, we gotta get in touch with this guy.
[86:59]
Harlan Williams
Really?
[86:59]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[87:00]
Harlan Williams
To do is to book a show.
[87:03]
Pete Holmes
You wouldn't believe what they pay. It's huge.
[87:06]
Harlan Williams
Is it huge?
[87:08]
Pete Holmes
Because they're like post money. They don't care.
[87:10]
Harlan Williams
I wonder if the triangle. If it flew over the Bermuda Triangle and went right down, would it be a perfect fit?
[87:22]
Pete Holmes
I think you're onto something, huh? I remember in church they gave us a talk on satanic symbols. I've probably said this before. Obviously, the pentagram.
[87:30]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[87:30]
Pete Holmes
Upside down cross.
[87:31]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[87:32]
Pete Holmes
The third one triangle. And I was. I. I loved everything in church. And even that I was like, come on.
[87:39]
Harlan Williams
But maybe what about an isosceles triangle?
[87:43]
Pete Holmes
Well, isosceles was a freak.
[87:45]
Harlan Williams
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great philosopher, though.
[87:49]
Pete Holmes
Great.
[87:51]
Harlan Williams
That guy could triangulate.
[87:54]
Pete Holmes
I wish I knew anything about an isosceles triangle. Although, remember, I sauce all these isosceles Doritos are isosceles triangles.
[88:02]
Harlan Williams
When I Christmas at Halloween, what I do is I go to Staples, you know? Staples?
[88:08]
Pete Holmes
The store?
[88:09]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. And they have. You can buy isosceles triangles by the bag. I mean, they sell them there in the ruler section.
[88:16]
Pete Holmes
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[88:17]
Harlan Williams
And so what I do just for fun on Halloween, I'll get bags of isosceles triangle and I'll go around the neighborhood and stab them into the front of the eyes of the Jack O Lanterns. So it looks like all the pumpkins in my neighborhood are wearing sunglasses like 80s style. 70s.
[88:37]
Pete Holmes
70S, yeah.
[88:38]
Harlan Williams
Like thick sun, like disco glasses.
[88:40]
Pete Holmes
What were the seventies of the seventies?
[88:43]
Harlan Williams
Disco dancing clogs. Men wore clogs with that. Clogs were a thing. Earth shoes.
[88:52]
Pete Holmes
It's got to be. It's got D. Oh, it's got to.
[88:56]
Harlan Williams
Have a D in it.
[88:57]
Pete Holmes
Seven Ds of the 70s.
[88:58]
Harlan Williams
Oh, the 70s. Okay, sorry. The 70s. Disco. Disco. Dildos.
[89:03]
Pete Holmes
Dildos.
[89:03]
Harlan Williams
Donny Osmond.
[89:04]
Pete Holmes
Donnie Debauchery.
[89:06]
Harlan Williams
Diarrhea was big Diarrhea was huge.
[89:08]
Pete Holmes
I don't think there was any awareness of what caused or how to get rid of diarrhea.
[89:11]
Harlan Williams
Right. That's why it was so fun. People just used it as a recreational thing.
[89:15]
Pete Holmes
And to think that it was the era of white pants is very disorienting.
[89:19]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. So it was back then. Diarrhea was recreational.
[89:23]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[89:23]
Harlan Williams
You can do it in a park or at a museum.
[89:26]
Pete Holmes
It's push free pooping.
[89:28]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. What else? Diphtheria.
[89:32]
Pete Holmes
Dysteria.
[89:33]
Harlan Williams
Diphtheria was a big one in the 70s. It's like a disease you get if you get bit by a mosquito in the twat.
[89:39]
Pete Holmes
Oh, but you need to wear DEET.
[89:41]
Harlan Williams
Right, to get rid of it. Wear DEET and Dean Martin. Dean Martin in the 70s.
[89:47]
Pete Holmes
That's great. You did it.
[89:49]
Harlan Williams
Baby. It's cold outside. Baby. I smell your diarrhea. I don't. I don't know, Christmas.
[89:56]
Pete Holmes
Were you doing some push free pooping? Maybe just half a squirt more.
[90:04]
Harlan Williams
Baby, I really must run.
[90:10]
Pete Holmes
Diarrhea is fun. You wipe it. It looks. Looks like the Shroud of Turin. It's all wet.
[90:19]
Harlan Williams
You know, Shrouded Turin. Do you believe it's actually the very first Ross shock test?
[90:24]
Pete Holmes
By the way, you, sir, have done a 90 minute callback.
[90:29]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[90:29]
Pete Holmes
You get the. You get the PD. The PD award.
[90:33]
Harlan Williams
What's that?
[90:34]
Pete Holmes
We're miming. This is improv.
[90:36]
Harlan Williams
Oh. I'd like to thank the Academy.
[90:42]
Pete Holmes
They're playing the music.
[90:44]
Harlan Williams
I'm not finished yet. I'd like to thank the denim chair. I'd like to thank all the members except for the people listening. I'd like to thank the people watching. Those of you listening will never know what my award looks like. You can go to Steve Martin's house and suck cucumbers out of his vacuum cleaner.
[91:05]
Pete Holmes
With the bumps.
[91:07]
Harlan Williams
Those are dill pickles.
[91:08]
Pete Holmes
But cucumbers are dill pickles.
[91:10]
Harlan Williams
Well, will. Are they.
[91:12]
Pete Holmes
They will be.
[91:13]
Harlan Williams
You will.
[91:14]
Pete Holmes
You'll butterfly a child. We did it. We did every callback. Well, you're a gift to the. To the planet. Thanks for being here. So are ye.
[91:24]
Harlan Williams
Yeah. For the.
[91:24]
Pete Holmes
For the time travelers listening.
[91:26]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[91:26]
Pete Holmes
And thank you. And do you want to plug anything?
[91:29]
Harlan Williams
Well, if you have a chance, check out my podcast, the Harland Highway. Pete's been on it twice and we had a riot.
[91:36]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Always fun.
[91:38]
Harlan Williams
Real riot.
[91:38]
Pete Holmes
Twice. And we'll do it again. That's why I was like, let's just do it on mine. Because we want to do it all the time. Yeah, but just mix it up.
[91:45]
Harlan Williams
Yeah.
[91:46]
Pete Holmes
I appreciate you coming this way.
[91:47]
Harlan Williams
Oh, yeah, no, it's. This is great, buddy. Thanks for having me.
[91:51]
Pete Holmes
I loved every second of it. Would you say Heartland highway is the podcast? It's amazing. Keep it crispy is the catchphrase. It's how we end. You say, keep it crispy.
[92:00]
Harlan Williams
I say it.
[92:00]
Pete Holmes
You say it.
[92:02]
Harlan Williams
Can I say keep it Krispy Kreme, or just you can say, keep it Krispy Kreme, cuz I love those donuts.
[92:07]
Pete Holmes
I do have a. A request. Would you say it how people think you talk?
[92:14]
Harlan Williams
Keep it Krispy Kreme, even. And now all the callbacks are complete. We did it. We did it.
[92:24]
Pete Holmes
What a delight. Thank you all.
[92:25]
Harlan Williams
Thank you, buddy.
[92:26]
Pete Holmes
I loved every second of that. It.