Jay Pharoah

Summary

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Podcast Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Guest: Jay Pharoah
Date: September 21, 2022

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Episode Overview

This lively episode features actor and comedian Jay Pharoah (SNL, White Famous), renowned for his extraordinary impressions and energetic storytelling. Pete Holmes and Jay dig deep into childhood, faith, comedy, family, and Jay’s journey from being bullied to national stardom. The conversation is peppered with dazzling celebrity impressions, personal revelations, and frequent laughter, creating an atmosphere both hilarious and touching.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Icebreakers & Impressions Galore

• The episode leaps in with Jay riffing and the two quickly riffing on everything from “honkin dung” to water brands like "Liquid Death," setting a silly, improvisational tone (10:05).
  • Jay demonstrates his prowess by slipping in and out of impersonations seamlessly, including Smeagol, Eddie Murphy, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Robert Downey Jr., Denzel Washington, Will Smith, Chris Rock, Chappelle, and many more.

Memorable Moment:
Jay’s Eddie Murphy as a car alarm:

“If your car alarm sounded like that, you’d be happy as hell. If you had an Eddie Murphy car alarm, that’d be dope as hell. You’d just be—'beep, beep, beep, beep, motherfucker, beep, don’t you hear me beeping? Move, motherfucker!'”
—Jay Pharoah (23:58)

2. Comedy Roots and Church Upbringing

• Jay describes his childhood in a tight-knit, religious family. His parents met in church, are still together, and their marriage is a model for him (40:44, 41:16).
• Many early impressions and performances came from church, where he would mimic church members and preachers (64:33).

Notable Quote:

“I was impersonating the church members. I was making jokes… I would see, y’all, I saw crackheads. I didn’t know they were crackheads in my church… So, every time I would see [one]… as a little kid … it killed, if I’m being honest. People loved it.”
—Jay Pharoah (65:13)

3. Bullying, Insecurity, and Transformation

• Jay reveals being bullied throughout childhood for being overweight and 'weird,' with the church providing his main sense of acceptance (81:04).
• He opens up about gaining significant weight as a child, being mocked for his size (“husky” as a euphemism for fat), and experiencing depression and suicidal ideation as a teen (104:39, 106:03).
• He describes losing 75 pounds in his senior year as a turning point, motivated out of desperation and a will to change (105:06).

Notable Quote:

“I was depressed from like 12 to probably 17… I was contemplating suicide. And I said, if I don’t change this, I’m going to hurt myself. And I have to get rid of this because this is causing so much sadness in my life.”
—Jay Pharoah (106:03)

4. Family, Faith, and Healing from a 'Cultish' Church

• Jay discusses his experience with a controlling church leader who maintained strict rules and even kept parishioners at church for a week (58:15).
• The church eventually reformed, breaking away from the cultish tendencies under a new, more Bible-centric leader. Jay credits his family and their faith for keeping him grounded (63:31, 115:35).

5. Celebrity Encounters and Impressions

• Hilarious stories about meeting Robert Downey Jr. and Drake, as well as doing impressions “for” the celebrities themselves—often with surprising and awkward results (71:36, 73:15).
• Jay’s nuanced approach to impressions: he dials them up for comedic effect and refines them over time (25:18).

Notable Moment:
Jay recounts Drake flying him and friends to Birmingham and being the nicest host ever (73:15–78:13).

6. Mental Health, Career Pressures & SNL

• Jay talks about the mental toll of SNL, the challenge of coping with abrupt career changes, and his strategy of just "powering through" emotionally until the pandemic forced him to stop and reflect (110:33).
• He admits to self-medicating with alcohol and the importance of dealing with the emotional side of setbacks.

Notable Quote:

“You gotta give yourself time to deal with the emotional part… if not, it’s this corrosive growth inside you that keeps expanding into this black hole.”
—Jay Pharoah (112:52)

7. Near-Death Experience with Police

• Jay details being wrongfully detained by LAPD in 2020—a harrowing incident where his running app eerily told him to “run” as police closed in (120:01–124:32).
• He reflects on the randomness and danger of that encounter and expresses gratitude for surviving:

“I feel like I have a message I’m supposed to leave. I have a big message I’m gonna leave with this world… I’m supposed to help people.”
—Jay Pharoah (126:21)

8. Faith & Meaning Today

• Jay’s faith now is about “getting back to where I was before I got depressed.” He’s focused on aligning life, drawing close to family, drinking less, and seeking meaningful relationships (108:48, 113:00).
• Both Pete and Jay talk about how spirituality shapes their sense of service and self-worth outside of show business.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On genius comics:

  “You just made me realize how much more genius Gerard Carmichael has in him.”
  —Jay Pharoah (12:04)

• On family roots:

  “My parents got a whole bunch of real estate. They rollin’ in real estate. Adele rollin’ in the deep, they roll in the real estate.”
  —Jay Pharoah (37:56)

• On impressions as connection:

  “If I could sound like Eddie Murphy, it makes everything so much... It’s likable, it’s funny, it’s, like, unexpected, it’s surprising.”
  —Pete Holmes (23:51)

• On giving flowers:

  “Gotta say that. Why do I have to say that? Because I have to give you your flowers. A lot of people, they don’t give folks flowers. What we do is we thank flowers, and then by the time we’re ready to give them, folks aren’t here to receive them. So I’m gonna give you your flowers. You’re absolutely amazing.”
  —Jay Pharoah as Kevin Hart (135:06)

• On why black churches are more joyful:

  “Black folks suffer so much. So we always really look forward to the afterlife more than we did this life right here.”
  —Jay Pharoah (44:27)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [10:05] – Start of conversation; wordplay, icebreaking, impressions
• [23:58] – Eddie Murphy car alarm bit
• [40:44] – Story about Jay’s parents’ marriage and meeting at church
• [58:15] – Cultish church leader stories
• [64:33] – Jay starts performing/impressions at church
• [81:04] – Being bullied and not fitting in at school
• [104:39] – Jay’s battle with weight, depression, and transformation
• [110:33] – Coping with career changes, SNL; dealing with emotions and addiction
• [120:01] – Wrongful LAPD detention; near-death story
• [126:21] – Purpose and mission in comedy/life
• [135:06] – Jay as Kevin Hart, “keep it crispy” send-off

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Final Thoughts

Throughout, Jay exudes warmth, vulnerability, and lightning-fast wit. He and Pete bond over childhood faith, navigating showbiz, and the alchemy of using pain as comedic fuel. Fans are treated to a masterclass in celebrity impressionism alongside a deeply human story of resilience, transformation, and spiritual grounding.

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Jay’s closing words (as Kevin Hart):

“Listen, it’s Kevin Hart. Keep it crispy all day.”
(135:41)

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A must-listen episode for comedy fans, impression enthusiasts, and anyone who’s ever wondered about the power of humor to heal and connect.

Transcript

[Jay Pharoah]

You made it with. You made it with. You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Pete Holmes]

What's happening, weirdos? This is Jay Pharaoh. Gosh, one of the funniest people I. I so sincerely enjoyed this episode as you are about to hear one of the best impressionists of all time. An incredible. Yes, Ander, Improviser, comedian, actor. He's incredible. I'm so glad he's here. From snl, from White Famous, and just from sounding like anybody you tell him to sound like, I mean, you're going to enjoy this. If you enjoy it 1/10 as much as I enjoyed it. And I was going to say, and I hope you do. I actually hope you enjoyed as much as I enjoyed it. So 10 out of 10 as much as I enjoyed it. A couple of things to plug up top. I have my Largo show here in Los Angeles if you want to come see me do stand up. I believe the next One is on October 9, which is a Sunday. That's going to be really fun. The one after that is November 3rd, which is going to be a benefit show for Homeboy Industries. I'm really excited about both of those. Always love that weirdos are out. So go to largo-la.com for tickets to both of those. I'm also going on a small tour, a small but substantial like Seabiscuit tour. And the tickets for the first three dates are [e-mail] that's Toronto, Atlantic City, New Jersey and Boston. I'm also going to be right after that in Chicago, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Atlanta, Charlotte, and Washington D.C. is the final date right now. So go to peteholmes.com as tickets are available. They will be added to the site. But hope to see weirdos out. It's going to be so good. The title of the tour is Where Were We? Because the whole tour was interrupted. We're finally back. I'm so excited that we're back. It's going to be great to see you guys out there and to connect again. A couple things to plug. If you like this podcast, why not try a Pete's Pick? This is how it works. These are the ABCs of podcasting, baby. If you like the show, try one of these products that I actually use and I actually love. Like our friends here at Ritual. I'm holding it up right here. This is their synbiotic. Plus this is their pre and pro and postbiotic. This is the first thing I do every morning is this is my Ritual multivitamin. I take my multivitamin and I take my Synbiotic plus pre, pro and postbiotic because as you know, we talk about it on the show a lot. Gut health is super important to me. It should be super important to you. Your gut is basically like a second brain and gut health is so, so, so important. So you gotta ask yourself, does your probiotic contain clinically studied strains? Well, meet one that does. Ritual Synbiotic plus contains two of the world's most studied strains with over 350 publications of human clinical trials. I love starting my day with this, knowing that I'm doing my gut right and partnering it with my ritual multivitamin. 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But what I love about it is it does not need to be refrigerated. I just got this out of my cupboard. Cupboard, cupboard. Symbiotic plus and Ritual are here to celebrate, not hide your insides. There's no more shame in your gut game. That's why Ritual is offering weirdos 10% off during your first three months. So visit ritual.com weird to start ritual or to add symbiotic plus to your subscription today. That's ritual.com weird to do your stomach right and to show your support of this show. Secondly, we have Pym Chews. This is one of the newer Pete's picks, but I have been using them for over a year. Pym, what does that mean? Prepare your mind. Pym Chews help you manage the feelings of stress, anxiety and overwhelm. For those of you that have been listening to we made it Weird. You know, I just had my brain scanned and I have issues with anxiety. Highly, highly active. The anxiety centers of my brain. So I need all the help I can get and most of us do. 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So go to youcanpym.com weird for 15 off Pym mood choose and show your support of the show. That's youcanpym.com weird for 15 off and show your support the show. Last but not least, you know I'm wearing them's my perfect jeans. As you know, I absolutely hate a hard pant. I don't understand how it's 2022 times are hard why are we wearing unforgiving, soft, hard shit pants? I'm going to call them what they are. Shit pants. Why don't we just start wearing comfortable, soft pants? Well, the answer is they often don't look good. Well, enter the perfect jean. They are the best looking, the best fitting, and the best feeling pants I have ever owned in my life. I wear them when I do TV tapings. I wear them to fancy premieres. They look great. I have them in black, I have them in blue, and I have them in dark blue. And I swear by them. I wear them every single day. I don't put them on to record the ads. I'm always just wearing them and. And they never wear out. I'm telling you guys, I put them to the test. Forget the fact that they're stretchy and they're forgiving. That's awesome. But how about the fact that you can wear them every single day and they don't get holes in them? Every pair of jeans I've ever had starts to develop a hole in the crotchal area. The. The perfect jean does not do that. They're the best pants I've ever owned. I would sleep. I have slept in them, if I'm being honest, and I would sleep in them every night if it was socially acceptable. They're made of premium stretch fabric. That's 2% spandex, 2.5% rayon. But no one needs to know. They look like designer jeans. They feel like PJs. Come on, everybody. This is some serious shit I'm talking about. And they give you extra comfort and movement that your man parts require. These jeans stretch so your nuts ain't crushed there, thereby providing the only true home for your bone. So high quality, maximum durability, so soft you're going to forget you're wearing pants. And best of all, they're not khakis. Your khakis. And spare your nuts. Wear the perfect jean for the perfectly imperfect men. Just 60 bucks. When you use Code weirdo at checkout. Liberate your lower limbs with the one and only perfect gene. Whether you're working with lemons or lentils, a three leaf clover, or a big old honkin eggplant, the perfect gene has you covered. Take a peek at ThePerfectGene NYC. That's ThePerfectGene NYC. And use code weirdo for 25% off at checkout.

[Jay Pharoah]

And.

[Pete Holmes]

And try. Do your body your lower half a favor and try the perfect gene. And show your support of the show. I mean, that's a win, win. Right there, baby. All right, guys. Enjoy. Jay Pharaoh. He's awesome. I can't wait for you to hear. Get into it.

[Jay Pharoah]

Well, we doing it. We got. That was so dope. No, that was.

[Pete Holmes]

You get as comfortable as you want.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay, cool. I can do something like. Like this. Oh, wait, my fly.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to fuck up.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, my fly's not open.

[Pete Holmes]

But a million hits. A million hits. Jay Farrow.

[Jay Pharoah]

Jay Farrow does a sex tape tween fly.

[Pete Holmes]

It's called a tween fly.

[Jay Pharoah]

Tween fly.

[Pete Holmes]

You ever see a tween. I'm just kidding. It's not a thing. You can see tween the fly.

[Jay Pharoah]

To the honkin dung to the hunkin dung. That sounds. That sounds very provocative.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I like to make the guests feel real comfort. Hey, we could see your hunkin dung.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, man, that's. That's what. That's a. That must be dick in German. Is that what that is? I mean, meat in German?

[Pete Holmes]

It's like Eskimos have a million words for Snow. It's like 30,000 for. For honking dungeon.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay, we. We. Can. We. Can we talk about how this is the most. This is the most off putting label that. What is this? It's a freaking skull and it's melt. Why is it melting? And that's outside of a can of water. Like, you don't want to drink this. It's called liquid death. Why the f. Why are we drinking. What is this? What is this? Pete, you just sounded a little.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know. You did, Jerrod.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I sounded a little like Gerard. Why would you. I can't do it.

[Jay Pharoah]

I can't. Why would we even. It's so ridiculous to. It's liquid death. Like, why would we drink liquid death? That's not smart to do.

[Pete Holmes]

And then 30 seconds of silence.

[Jay Pharoah]

This is the most off putting. The fact the. I just. That that's what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

It is.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's the silence.

[Pete Holmes]

It's 30. Every time I watch him, and this is actually a compliment, I go, why am I rushing so much? He doesn't mind just being like, he sit.

[Jay Pharoah]

He knows how to sit in the un. The awkwardness of silence.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's like the perfect person for that.

[Pete Holmes]

He is. And then he knows that it's pulling the bowstring back. And then when he finally does talk.

[Jay Pharoah]

And it's like, bow. It just. Yeah, that's when the punch hit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's genius, man. Wow. You just made me Realize how much more genius Gerard Carmichael has in him. Cuz that's.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's if you can name a special Nathaniel and still have it. Pop his.

[Jay Pharoah]

His special's name. Nathaniel.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, I call it Nathaniel.

[Jay Pharoah]

You said Nathaniel.

[Pete Holmes]

What is it?

[Jay Pharoah]

That's what I'm saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Jay Pharoah]

I have.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like punk bands that call themselves nude girls so you can't Google them.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like, I'm gonna call my special Rathaniel. It's like, you're still gonna come? We're all over here going, like, party, fun time. Like, me with my shirt off, holding a hot dog.

[Jay Pharoah]

Like, laughs a minute.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's like, rathaniel every award, and he deserves it.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's. That sounds. Rathaniel sounds like a. That sounds like a conquistador.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a. Like a Don Quixote kind of. On a horse.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes. With a. With a. With a long sword. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Ooh, sword.

[Jay Pharoah]

Sorry, sword. Is it sword or is it sword?

[Pete Holmes]

I liked the way you said sword. I wasn't even using it. But you did say sword.

[Jay Pharoah]

But. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was untoward.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay, cool. It was untoward.

[Pete Holmes]

Sword.

[Jay Pharoah]

Sword. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The lamest freestyler I'm unto to ward with my sword.

[Jay Pharoah]

I say swordfish. I don't say swordfish, but I guess. Okay, I guess it is swordfish.

[Pete Holmes]

It is, But I mean, you're not wrong. Okay, talk is.

[Jay Pharoah]

Is. No, that's not. No, Pete, that's not swordfish. Because I get on. Because I know I can't do this. Because I get on, folks, sometimes. Because some people will say Massachusetts, and I'll be like, it's Massachusetts.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Massachusetts.

[Jay Pharoah]

Like, what is Massachusetts, though? Is that a. My mother says it we.

[Pete Holmes]

Massachusetts.

[Jay Pharoah]

She's from. She's from Brooklyn, but she says, well.

[Pete Holmes]

Hopefully she's not from Massachusetts.

[Jay Pharoah]

She's definitely. No one's from Massachusetts because Massachusetts doesn'. Exist. It's not a real place. It's. It's like Narnia. It's not real. Oh, my God. It's not real, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a wardrobe that goes to Massachusetts, actually. Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You crawl through the clothes and there you're.

[Jay Pharoah]

Where does Sharon the ferryman take you over as well?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Cheron comes. Cheron comes. Who else is there? Falkor. He's there.

[Pete Holmes]

Falcor. Oh, good pull.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Man, we must be the same. Similar age if you know the never ending story.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes, dude, I used to. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What a good time. What a good time to be A stand up comedian. All you had to say was the Never ending story. 90 minutes long.

[Jay Pharoah]

90 minutes long with the most. It ended at 90 minutes. Are you serious? Did it?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I just mean like it. Whatever the runtime is, it's not never ending. It's.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, stupid. Okay, cool. Slow.

[Pete Holmes]

You're slow.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's the liquid death.

[Pete Holmes]

Swordfish. Swordfish.

[Jay Pharoah]

Swordfish. It's the liquid death. Okay. It's that skull. It's fucking with me. That's happening. I'm sorry. Oh, yes, you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Never ending. But it's a 90. But it ended.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all you need.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember I saw one of the first stand up shows I went to. I've told this story before, but I want to see what it makes you think of. I went to the Comedy Connection in Massachusetts. Dude. You know who's on the show? Bill Burr.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, holy. Yeah. Bill Burr on the show. Wow. Just talk about babies, you know? Yeah. You know, abortion, like, you know, I did that.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes right to it, dude. I did a show with Bill.

[Jay Pharoah]

How was it at.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, this was a different show at Boston Garden.

[Jay Pharoah]

Taking me so long to get comfy shoes.

[Pete Holmes]

You can. You absolutely can.

[Jay Pharoah]

Because I'm like, I gotta get a little.

[Pete Holmes]

You could.

[Jay Pharoah]

You know, my shoes, my liquid death, Is it committed? It committed suicide. Well, it's still.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how it comes back to life.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes. That's why that skull is there. So it could. So the devil can bring it back.

[Pete Holmes]

Think of that arm as your back.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the back.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

They come up that way. Yeah. Now we're having a sleepover. There it is.

[Jay Pharoah]

There it is. There we go.

[Pete Holmes]

All right.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, there we go. I'm so glad my thighs got smaller. Jesus, this would have been horrible, man. I got some. I got the rocks legs. It's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I can't. What do you mean? Does he have little chicken legs?

[Jay Pharoah]

No, no, no. He. No, not that you do. I do now. Not that you do. I do. I'm like, no, I'm the rock. Like right here. And then down here I'm like Kim Kardashian. Like, because she's got like the, you know, the little small. The lollipop legs with the. With the big. With the big caboose, chunk of dunk on it.

[Pete Holmes]

A chunk of dunk.

[Jay Pharoah]

What? Okay, but chunkadunk, it can be a button. That sounds like a Haagen Dazs flavor.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll have the chunkadunk.

[Jay Pharoah]

I have the chunkadunk, please.

[Pete Holmes]

One for Me. And one for Rathaniel for me.

[Jay Pharoah]

One for Raaniel.

[Pete Holmes]

He's on horse. And one for my Falcor.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yep, for Falcor. The Conquistador, he's riding. Oh, man. We on it, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

We on it.

[Jay Pharoah]

What the hell? We. Yo, I love you, man.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved seeing you.

[Jay Pharoah]

Well, that.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what you were going to say we needed to talk about?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Well, I was just. I just. Yeah, we could talk about that. But I was just going to say, man, I. I freaking. Just from watching your stuff, I just became such a fan, man. You were so fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thanks, dude. I really appreciate that. That's. That's delightfully not surprising, but I don't get it a lot. Not a lot of guests come in and just go, like, let me tell.

[Jay Pharoah]

You, I'm a fan.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm into it. Like, people go like, wow, this is a shitty garage.

[Jay Pharoah]

I was gonna talk about the cobwebs, but I was. But I was, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, man, you should have seen the cobwebs I walked through, and people aren't here right now. And there was a. There was one that almost. It sounds like a joke, but it almost caught me.

[Jay Pharoah]

I can just see you swing if you got caught in the web and you just sw. Swinging like freaking Frodo. Yes. Like Frodo.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's singing, all that sort of stuff.

[Jay Pharoah]

Not to let you fly why does it cry in a web? Soon you be etern. Dude, Is that.

[Pete Holmes]

Was that it?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like that was it.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Smeagol, dude. Smeagol was one of my. That was one of the ones.

[Pete Holmes]

We both do Smeagol.

[Jay Pharoah]

You do Smeagol, too?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I do Smeagol.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, God. We're gonna do a Smeagol off. Guys.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just gonna say. What can we do with off for.

[Jay Pharoah]

Ah, let's see here. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to make it do that. Is it.

[Jay Pharoah]

Is it?

[Pete Holmes]

Is it. Is it moving now? Will you do it? Katie?

[Jay Pharoah]

Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

I just wanted to swing. I'm getting hot, and I think it's all on.

[Jay Pharoah]

Jay, it's me, man. I know. I need the air.

[Pete Holmes]

I need the air conditioning to get my.

[Jay Pharoah]

My sweat.

[Pete Holmes]

My sweat says. Disturbs us.

[Jay Pharoah]

You. You need this. You need this. The air conditioning. We seize it. We seize it. Yes, yes, we see it. If you go like that, that's pause. Okay? Because I'm going like this. Shit. Watching too much pornhub there. Just going. I've seen this move before. I love pornhub. Me. Too. What's your search word? Precious.

[Pete Holmes]

Search word is Precious.

[Jay Pharoah]

Precious Search.

[Pete Holmes]

What comes up if you search Precious.

[Jay Pharoah]

On pornhub Aragorn and Legolas Aragorn.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it the push by Sapphire? It could be that direction.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It could be sort of like bbw.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes. I, I, My mind went there second.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Because I was gab. It went Gabriel Sidibe afterwards. But, but yeah, I like that you went extreme first. I was trying to.

[Pete Holmes]

Sidibe. I don't think I ever knew her name.

[Jay Pharoah]

She's, man, she's so sweet.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I didn't know her last name. You know her?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, yeah, she, she was, I remember she came to SNL back in 2011.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. With the cherry spitting.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, she had the cherry spinning.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember the cherry spitting.

[Jay Pharoah]

You remember the cherry spitting.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't it funny? It's always like that sketch is, I'm gonna say it, it's kind of dumb, but that's what you remember.

[Jay Pharoah]

It works, it worked, it works for the, for the situation. She, she, she was, she was really nice, man. She had a lot of good things to say. She was very complimentary towards me. Oh, yeah, Yeah. I mean, and of course, man, I heard it and I heard it and I still hear it, but the Eddie Murphy comparisons and things.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, of course.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay, cool. I was like this generation. I was like, yeah, we'll see. I'm different. He was 19 when he got the show. I was 22. But whatever, we're a little different.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not that different.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, it isn't. It isn't. But like, but like, it's like this, Pete, when you, you know what? Fuck it. It's not different. It's not that different. It's really not. I am.

[Pete Holmes]

What are the porn. Yeah, no, go ahead.

[Jay Pharoah]

Just like, just with being able to do the impressions and the, you know, and characters and just being funny like that and so.

[Pete Holmes]

And you got it from doing stand up?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, absolutely. And Charlie Murphy, his brother took me in a road winner for three years.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. And Charlie was the only one who would do that, dog. Like, you know, there were other comedians. I guess some of them were intim. I was, I was on, I had a lot of stage presence.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just gonna say. Yeah, because talent can be scary.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you're gonna bring someone to open for you, you don't wanna bring some. How old are you at this point?

[Jay Pharoah]

I was a 19.

[Pete Holmes]

19. You don't wanna bring like a 19 year old charisma bomb.

[Jay Pharoah]

Nah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who's Doing perfect impressions before you. Yeah, I was just talking to Val about this. I was like, I can't play. I love Chance. I can't play Chance the Rapper as my pre show music, even though I'd like to, because I can't follow a recording of that much talent.

[Jay Pharoah]

If one more label try to stop me, it's gonna be them. Sound like Mr. Ted in the lobby, you know? You know, we both skipped it.

[Pete Holmes]

We both skipped the night.

[Jay Pharoah]

Isn't that crazy? We both.

[Pete Holmes]

We both skipped it edited out.

[Jay Pharoah]

We both knew it.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the radio edit kind of.

[Jay Pharoah]

Podcast this is, man. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

You got a radio edit face.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, yeah, definitely, dude. You dude. You're the nicest dude. Looks like a radio edit.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, I'm doing snaps on myself, dude.

[Jay Pharoah]

I joked myself too. Was fine. J. Pharrell, why are you okay? I don't snap on myself.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't snap on yourself.

[Jay Pharoah]

Don't snap on myself. I don't. Oh, my God. I do, though. No, I talk about my. Like I said, I was talking. I was trying to. I was talking about my Samoan top half and these and I didn't know you had the.

[Pete Holmes]

See, your leg looks completely normal to me.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, now it does. Because.

[Pete Holmes]

But are you, like working on your legs?

[Jay Pharoah]

Is this like a thing I run? Cause if I don't, I'm telling you, dude, like, this goes full quest love. I love quest. I love you. Love you, but love you. But this goes full. It's go full roots.

[Pete Holmes]

Does he have Questlove have skinny legs? Is that what we're talking?

[Jay Pharoah]

No, no, no, no, no. What I mean is they get big, you funny. They get really.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I was picturing, you know how Shrek has little baby legs?

[Jay Pharoah]

That is so hilarious. So does Humpty Dumpty and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Humpty Dumpty is the king. Well, he's. He's not the king. The king's horses and the king's men.

[Jay Pharoah]

Couldn'T pick him up. They had. They couldn't do it. They had one job and they had one job. They couldn't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Speaking of a stand up premise that I was so jealous of. Open up. That Larry David, we call him El Dies over here. Open it up. Was all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again. It's like the horses were trapped.

[Jay Pharoah]

With the hooves. Yeah. What are they doing?

[Pete Holmes]

You're only gonna make it worse.

[Jay Pharoah]

Stop. Stop yelling at me. I'm just a horse, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

He knows he's a horse.

[Jay Pharoah]

I'm just a horse. Chill out. I can only gallop. This is my first day trying to put this together.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why, but yes, Jay, that is what a horse would sound like.

[Jay Pharoah]

I'm a horse. I'm a whore. Better stop riding me because I'm a. I'm a turn. One day I might kick you in the. Kick you. Kick you in the jaw. It's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Eddie Murphy in donkey.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, it did. I went right to that. That's like my character voice for damn near everything, though. I just thought, I'm breaking the Eddie Murphy dude.

[Pete Holmes]

If I could sound like Eddie Murphy, it makes everything so much. It's likable.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's, like, unexpected. It's surprising.

[Jay Pharoah]

If your car alarm sounded like that, you'd be happy as hell. If you had an Eddie Murphy car alarm, that'd be dope as hell. You'd just be. You'd be like, beep, beep, beep, beep, motherfucker, beep. Don't you hear me beeping? Move, motherfucker. Hey, man, you think this is funny, but I'm starting to get hoarse. I'm telling you to get out of the way politely. Don't you hear the inflections in my voice? How nice. I'm saying this. Move, motherfucker, move. Bitch, get out the way. Get out the way. Bitch, get out the way to move, bitch, get out the way. Get out the way. Bitch, get out the way. Wow. I didn't Ever signing it like a sonnet. Like, wait.

[Pete Holmes]

He did it just so perfectly. I have nothing to add.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete.

[Jay Pharoah]

Pete Holmes. Hey, hey. Move. You better move that damn Tesla.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you ever do it for. For Eddie?

[Jay Pharoah]

I didn't do it in front of him, but he was.

[Pete Holmes]

He was aware of it.

[Jay Pharoah]

He was definitely aware of it. But he. The way that he. He says it always when he's talking about it, he. You know, he gets into his thing and people ask him about the impression, and he goes. He says, well, you know, Jay Pharoah does like Buddy Love. He does like me doing Buddy Love. He doesn't do me doing me naturally. He just does.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is this.

[Jay Pharoah]

Which. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But impressions aren't. Aren't fun unless you turn them up a little bit.

[Jay Pharoah]

Right? You have to. It's for comedic effect. But I would say when I was younger, I probably played more to the character than I did the actual one. And then I. When I got a little older, I dialed into it just a little more.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, just like.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's just the same thing with Trump. You do a Trump, too?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I did your Trump. I told Val when I got home, like, my report of Montreal was like, my hotel room had an adjoining room with another comedian, and I could hear him, like, sneeze. I didn't. I didn't care.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, I thought she was about to say him fuck. I was like, oh, that would have been. Oh, mortifying. Damn. Terrible.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you think of anything worse?

[Jay Pharoah]

You heard Bill Burr. Fuck. That's crazy. Just. Just dodge your teeth. You're using teeth. This is painful. Should have never ordered for the back page. I know people. I'm Bill Burt.

[Pete Holmes]

In case the people that can hear him cheating on his wife, apparently he screams out, I'm Bill Burr. Not a good technique.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, but it is my wife. Shit, I'm mad. Using teeth all these years. What do you think, I'm stupid?

[Pete Holmes]

And the other thing I reported was how good your Trump is. I don't even think people know.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Cause it's not one that I. It's not one that I like. I mastered until I really started paying. Cause I wasn't a fan. I mean, you know, it's hard to watch. Yeah. I'm like, man, look, he's absolutely. These people. These people absolutely love me. They really do. They love me. Absolutely. Pete, you have to understand something. People, people, people, people, listen. Have something that's gonna make the American people this much better. It's a biggly thing. It's really big. It's huge. Not only is it huge, it's stretchy. Not only is it stretchy, but it's humongous. It's all of those things put together in one pot of gumbo. That's it. The American. God bless America. God bless America. Bring me boxes. I want to grab them. You all call them boxes. I call them pussies. So what I do, I call them pussies. Spell it. P, U, Z, Z, Y. Pussy. Pussy. Because I'm puzzled. Everybody doesn't want to give me the pussy. I don't understand it. You can't find a more perfect. I'll kiss with my. Grab him. I come here. Oh, it's like he's got a hot meatball in his mouth, and he's trying to cool it the fuck off. And it's never. You know what I mean? It's always blowing it the fuck off. I'm like, yo, what the. I'm like, yo, drink some water, dog. Beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

Beautiful impression.

[Jay Pharoah]

Beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

I couldn't Absolutely. You actually sound like him. You close your nose. How do you do that? You gotta.

[Jay Pharoah]

You gotta. It's just about. It's about. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. It's just about totally paying attention. Paying attention totally. And to everything. The way he breathes, those little pauses he takes, the way that he puts his hands on the podium. He molests the podium. If you ever watch him, he will molest the podium. He's feeling the podium, Even the podium, like, hey, man, chill the out. You're doing all this damn touching motherfucker. Hey, six feet is still. Monkeypox is out here.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes for podiums, too.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, he goes for podiums and pussy. That's what his two P's. I never say that word that much, but I use it in context. Mother. Don't be mad at me. She's gonna watch.

[Pete Holmes]

Will she.

[Jay Pharoah]

She. She watches everything I do.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I find that so sweet.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, I do.

[Pete Holmes]

What? What is it?

[Jay Pharoah]

I find it stressful. Huh.

[Pete Holmes]

What's your mom. Well, we don't. We could just say hi.

[Jay Pharoah]

Jay's mom. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Oh, no. Well, she's. No, she's got her own Instagram page. She. She takes a lot of selfies. It's Moni. Her name is Ramona. That's her name.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Jay Pharoah]

And my dad's name is Antonio. And they are not Spanish at all. There's nothing Spanish about them. We eat Spanish food, but there's nothing Spanish about these guys. No, actually, I am actually Panamanian. Really? Madres de Panimam. Mi padre es a negro. Si, jaja, ja. I'm lying. I'm not. I'm just. That's how you laugh in Spanish. If you didn't know. It's just J, A. J, A. I.

[Pete Holmes]

Also just don't like that you said. I know you said black, but saying.

[Jay Pharoah]

Your dad and that, you know, my dad is. I said my. I said, my mother is from Panama. My dad is from black. It's a joke.

[Pete Holmes]

It's from black.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's literally.

[Pete Holmes]

My dad is from black.

[Jay Pharoah]

My dad is from black. Yes. Yeah. It's from a black place.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me ask you this, because my thing with presidents is we absolutely.

[Jay Pharoah]

Absolutely. Keep on. Absolutely. Let's go back into it. Absolutely. Let me straighten myself, recompose myself.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Jay Pharoah]

Pete. Pete Holmes is the greatest Pete ever. He's the best Pete ever. He's the best pete ever. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

VH1's best Pete ever.

[Jay Pharoah]

H1. H1. Better than Pete Davidson. 20 times better than Pete Davidson. No, no, no, no. Well, Pete Davidson. I love him. You know, he's. He's smashing billionaire vagina. He is billionaire vagina.

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't they break up?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, they did.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know anything and I know.

[Jay Pharoah]

That they broke up.

[Pete Holmes]

I found out that before I found out the queen died.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I'm not on social, so I have to get my. That's my facts from the world.

[Jay Pharoah]

Right, Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait to tell me that. Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian.

[Jay Pharoah]

Because they always thought it was doomed and whatever. He's p. Is such a sweet dude, man. Have you ever met him? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete did this podcast because, like, way before he was huge.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I saw him at the Improv and I was literally like, what is happening right now? Like, I just thought it was the funniest. He had that thing where he was in high school. I'm pretty sure he was in high school. Yeah, but he was talking about being in high school the way you or I would talk about being in high school. Like, with the perspective. Like, he's been there. Like, he was looking. He was doing it.

[Jay Pharoah]

Middle aged perspective and he was looking.

[Pete Holmes]

Back on it, but while he was doing it.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, like, you know, high school, it's just like a place where, you know, you go to fuck people and you're pretty much waiting for, like, prom and if you don't get fucked, prom nights, like, you're such a loser. I mean, I. I didn't fuck anybody during prom. I didn't. My mom gave me condoms my first time and I thought, like, I had something. Like, I. Hey, hey, Pete, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Met him a few times and then. And then I met him brief. I saw him briefly after he broke up with Ariana. Oh, Ariana. Yes, Ariana Grande.

[Jay Pharoah]

Ariana Grande.

[Pete Holmes]

And I felt awkward and I think I said something like, he said something about that they broke up. And I was like, did you guys break up?

[Jay Pharoah]

Like, I thought that was funny. At least you didn't say nice dick, because that's what she said to him.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, yeah, nice dick. She was like, yeah, we're not together anymore, but nice dick. And then that's it. And then.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, is that real? She said on the.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, that whole thing started. She was. She was spreading rumors. She spread. If she spreads rumors like that. I was like, damn, I need to find it because I'm in. I'm out here too. Like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I mean, that was her way of being mean, was saying that.

[Jay Pharoah]

I guess it was like, yeah, like, whatever. I f. Yeah, we fucked type shit. I don't know. But they. He was like, I say he's such a. He's such a sweet dude.

[Pete Holmes]

He backed it off. But really, he.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, no, he's a fucking. He's the. Pete is the best man. And he's. I mean, to have to have dealt with the things that he has to deal with on a daily basis. Well, of course, the memory of his pops, I'm sure time doles everything, but that's still dog. That's your dad. You know, it's always going to be like a fresh cut. You know what I mean? You got.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not trying to be funny. Like, when it's on such a national. It's a holiday, basically, and it's a tragedy, obviously. And so like my Apple TV knows it's 911 and recommends, like, do you want to remember 9 11? Like YouTube reminds you it's 9 11. Like bumper stick. I'm saying, like, every time you see it, it's not just like a concept, it's something that happened to you. That's got to be really difficult.

[Jay Pharoah]

I let you. I thought you were going for like. Yeah, Then Pete's special pops up. I thought you were about to say his special is going to pop up.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that would be.

[Jay Pharoah]

God dang. I was waiting for it. I was like, no, don't say it. No, please. No. No, I didn't. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay. But yeah, yeah. So he's constantly. He's always reminded of it. Yeah. And also he's got. He's got Crohn's. Of course. Yeah, know that. And then he's got another. His borderline personality thing he was talking about and something else. He has bde. A bde. Yes. That is. That is. That is a big sickness to have. Yeah. The big energy is just a.

[Pete Holmes]

Just huge dick energy.

[Jay Pharoah]

Huge.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete Davidson has the biggest dick energy.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's why he's the best. That's why you're the best, Pete. But he's. He's the second. He's the second. Here's the runner up, Pete. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Dude, you Google. Sometimes I have to Google my name to get a photo. This is real. It sounds like I'm just Googling myself, but I'll send someone.

[Jay Pharoah]

I do headshot. I just do it. So fuck it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. Oh, but no, I'm not leaving you out to drive.

[Jay Pharoah]

Shit. It's therapeutic. It's very therapeutic. But go ahead, Google yourself. To Google yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

Why?

[Jay Pharoah]

Very. Just to see you like it. Fuck people. What are they talking about now? Oh, what the Are they talking about?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'll tell you what they're talking about. If you Google me, Pete Davidson comes up.

[Jay Pharoah]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

They're like, clearly you meant this one, right? You don't want the walking radio edit.

[Jay Pharoah]

Google.

[Pete Holmes]

This snaps on me too. Come on, Google.

[Jay Pharoah]

Dude, you. Yeah, you come up. You see, you type. Do you really type? Your first name and the first thing that comes.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, you search Pete Holmes return.

[Jay Pharoah]

And your shit and his.

[Pete Holmes]

And his stuff comes.

[Jay Pharoah]

Are you fucking kidding me?

[Pete Holmes]

That's how. That's how big. That's like googling McDonald's and Burger King is like, what's that? What's that?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yo, his. His. His dick has made the best decisions. Yeah, he has made the. Oh, my gosh. I've never seen somebody climb the. Climb the Hollywood ladder so quick by just fucking and being talented. That's crazy. Just fucking. That's all. He's like an onlyfans model. He fucking went to the top by. Started from the bottom and then.

[Pete Holmes]

And now we're here.

[Jay Pharoah]

He fucked the top.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. What I was gonna say. What was your relationship with your parents?

[Jay Pharoah]

You're.

[Pete Holmes]

You're online.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nothing on the Pharaoh?

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, no, there's no.

[Pete Holmes]

Very hard to find good Pharaoh stuff.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me about your family. Start there.

[Jay Pharoah]

My family. I gotta do it as Trump.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding.

[Jay Pharoah]

I'm just kidding. Absolute. My family, my people. Or you can. You can do it as Joe Biden, man. My people. My people are beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. My mother, Ramona Farrell, she's from Brooklyn. My father, Antonio Farrell from Norfolk, Virginia, part of the government and. Come on, man. Come on, man. Got a sister. Your face. It's the face.

[Pete Holmes]

Your face.

[Jay Pharoah]

Anybody listening to this?

[Pete Holmes]

Just audio, look up the face.

[Jay Pharoah]

If he. He does this shit where he goes like this with his jaw. I'm like, yo, I know a Molly jaw when I see. I know what you're doing in there.

[Pete Holmes]

That Trump was on snorting Adderall. Biden's rolling on Molly. Which explains why he's so gentle, eating ice cream all the time. He kind of wants some good love.

[Jay Pharoah]

I mean, this is just. It's just Burning man for both of them 24 7. I mean, that's what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Who's going to get you in trouble?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're from Brooklyn?

[Jay Pharoah]

No, I'm from Virginia. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm from Cherokee, Virginia. My dad is from Norfolk, Virginia, and my mother is from Bed stuff, Brooklyn.

[Pete Holmes]

And so she moved to Virginia.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. My father got a. Knocked it up and said all right.

[Pete Holmes]

With you?

[Jay Pharoah]

No, not with my sister.

[Pete Holmes]

With your sister.

[Jay Pharoah]

My sister's five years older than me.

[Pete Holmes]

So they were dating in Brooklyn or in Virginia?

[Jay Pharoah]

They were dating in Brooklyn. My dad went to move to New York for her, and then he moved back down here with her, back to Virginia with her. So once they had kids, once my.

[Pete Holmes]

Sister came, was it because it's hard to raise a kid in the city?

[Jay Pharoah]

Probably, yeah. They probably wanted more. They wanted more space and, you know, kind of moving into the suburb life. You know what I mean? Which. Which eventually did happen. I mean, at first we. At first it was like townhouses, which now they own. Freaking crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Your parents?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, man. They got a whole bunch of real estate, and they're rolling in the real estate. Yeah. Adele Rose in the Deep. They roll into real estate.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, man. I gotta get on that trip. I'm get on that train, too. I got.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you should. That's what my dad did.

[Jay Pharoah]

Where.

[Pete Holmes]

It's how he's. He's not from Bed Stuy, but like. Like, he's from Winter Hill, like the Somerville area. And he really didn't sort of have a similar. I hate calling it make good like you're making bad if you're still in Somerville. But, like, he made money. Let's say. Let's call it what it is. He made money. But. But it was by investing in real estate young and everybody. Like, it's funny. Like, it's always move. It always seems to be moving up. So, like, now there's some area of New York or otherwise that is incredibly cheap that we just can't see where it's going to be in 20 years or whatever it might be. That's what my dad did. That's what your parents did.

[Jay Pharoah]

We should. Hey, Pete. We should try to find it together with that next spot.

[Pete Holmes]

You idiots.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, I'm just saying over here, there's not a lot of roaches over here.

[Pete Holmes]

We just bought swamp land in Florida. This is going to be huge.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's going to be absolutely huge. The crocodiles are going to love it. They absolutely are. We're gonna make nuggets. Build a Papa Doge back here. Get the black people. The African Americans here, they love Papa Dose. They really love it. It's the best thing ever.

[Pete Holmes]

When I was in Vegas, I said, do people stay at the Trump Hotel? And they said, not really. And I said, why? He said, no gambling license.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, there's no casino in the Trump Hotel. Did you know how cocky of a motherfu he's gonna.

[Pete Holmes]

He's gonna compete. People go there to gamble.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's just. They'll come here for the atmospher. It's. It's got my name on it. It's already automatically better. Automatically better than everything that you've seen.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know why? No gambling. Cuz if you ever went bankrupt, you can't have a gambling license in Las Vegas.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's. He's such a. Such a businessman. Yeah, he's such a biz. Just like him burying. That's so up.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what?

[Jay Pharoah]

Burying his wife on the golf course. Buried his wife on a golf course to get a wood so he'd get a tax break. He saw he can get a tax break.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know that.

[Jay Pharoah]

He buried his ex wife on his golf course so he could get a.

[Pete Holmes]

Tax break by declaring it a cemetery. You shut your mouth when you talk, dead ass. Yeah, I felt bad saying that, but I'm just shocked. You shut your mouth when you talk to me. That's just what came out. I'm just so aghast.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, that dude, he. He's heart. He has no. The heart is not there. And then.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, okay. Doesn't care. Doesn't care.

[Jay Pharoah]

Tell me two. Okay, go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

What were your parents like? Did. Were they together?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, still together. Been together for 41 years.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Jay Pharoah]

So that's why. I know it's possible, man. I know. I know it's possible.

[Pete Holmes]

You admire their relationship. It's not like 41 where they're just kind of right. Riding it out.

[Jay Pharoah]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

They like each other.

[Jay Pharoah]

They really like each other. Now, of course, they've gone through their different phases or whatever, but that's how. That's how relations. That's how marriage is. You gotta keep falling in love with the same person over so many years and you gotta keep remembering why you did it. That's right. And they're the perfect example of that. They're the embodiment of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, how'd they meet?

[Jay Pharoah]

Church.

[Pete Holmes]

Get out.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yep. They both went to the same church. Well, went to go to the same church. I still go to that church. We all go to that church. Really? Yeah. It's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

In Virginia.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, it's. It's. It's one in Virginia, it's. It's one in Philadelphia. Delaware. We got them all over the country.

[Pete Holmes]

Is this forgive? Is it like a black church? Is it like flavor?

[Jay Pharoah]

Apostolic church.

[Pete Holmes]

Apostolic.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Okay. A lot of. A lot of clapping. Talking back.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, like that's right.

[Jay Pharoah]

Triple clap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Death threat. Praise them triple claps. When. When the music come on. That's how you know you in a black church when you see them triple claps. Because white folks, y' all don't do that shit. You don't do that. You just. Y' all just reach for the sky like the Lord. We do. Like you, Goku, and you absorbing the power, the spirit bomb.

[Pete Holmes]

Dude, you're right. There is sort of like a solar panel.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like we're absorbing the energy for us.

[Jay Pharoah]

You just close your eyes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And we oscillate like a sprinkler. That's what we do. We're quiet, though.

[Jay Pharoah]

We're quiet. He said oscillate, like, oh, sprinkler.

[Pete Holmes]

We're watering the spirit.

[Jay Pharoah]

You're watering the spirit. That's fucking hilarious, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

And when a black preacher would come, because we'd have a sister church.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

We're not done laughing.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

I never want to stop, Joy.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, boy. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead, please. The sister church.

[Pete Holmes]

Our sister church. He'd come and preach here so there'd be a guy from. And are all black churches apostolic?

[Jay Pharoah]

No, no, no, no, no. There are so many different. I feel. There's Baptist, there's. Yeah, you've out. Presbyterian. Presbyterians.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to make sure that wasn't a term that I should be using instead of saying black church.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, no, you can just say black church is fine.

[Pete Holmes]

So he came from a black church. Church comes to our very white. Our church was so white. It was khaki. It was, like, incredibly white.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And he would preach and he would stop. This really made an impact on me. And if you watch my stand up, you can tell, because if he wasn't getting a response, he'd be like, you have to understand, like, where I come from, people, like, respond, like, I need. He would make my mom be like, that's right. Then try, like, the corniest, most pretty, uptight white people, and he'd let them go.

[Jay Pharoah]

He gave y'.

[Pete Holmes]

All.

[Jay Pharoah]

He gave y' all church swag.

[Pete Holmes]

He did.

[Jay Pharoah]

He gave y' all church swag.

[Pete Holmes]

And he gave us pass. Really is. At a certain point, you're really just. You know, you've been doing it, like, kind of stiff and boring so long. It's nice to have someone come and be like, it's okay. If I say something, you, like, you.

[Jay Pharoah]

Can, like, you can move.

[Pete Holmes]

Do it.

[Jay Pharoah]

You can move.

[Pete Holmes]

And the music, Forget it. I mean, I'm not telling you anything. You don't know. Yeah, but when I would go to that sister church, it was like, oh, these people really mean it, you know?

[Jay Pharoah]

What do you mean?

[Pete Holmes]

We're like, we will go to paradise and God will hold my hand. Do you believe that?

[Jay Pharoah]

They don't.

[Pete Holmes]

God's gonna hold your hand. You're like, it will be a happy day.

[Jay Pharoah]

I have a theory. I got. I got a theory, though. I think the reason why y' all would. Y' all weren't as Hat y' all weren't as happy is because.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Because black folks suffer so much.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's it.

[Jay Pharoah]

So we always. So we will always really look forward to the afterlife more than we did this life right here. I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

That's absolutely true too. Who has a bit about that? I just saw someone do a bit. Neil Brennan. He did like, the height of white privilege. Oh, it's on his new special.

[Jay Pharoah]

I can't imma watch it.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't say it hasn't come out yet, but he has a bit that's. That's in. In line with this. That it's like, what is more privileged than being like, no, I like this more than. Than heaven is basically. I'm not ruining the joke. Neil.

[Jay Pharoah]

Neil.

[Pete Holmes]

Now this is my. This is my Chappelle. When I call Neil, I go, now.

[Jay Pharoah]

Let'S do season four, baby. I'm serious. I'm coming back. That's fucking. That's good. Ah, from you, Pete, that was good. Yes, from you.

[Pete Holmes]

I can only say that I'm not.

[Jay Pharoah]

Being spurious when I tell you that, brother. That was good as shit, bro. That was good as fuck. Pete Holmes. Triple clap, triple clap, triple clap, triple clap, triple clap. Pete Holmes. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me, tell. Tell me about that church. Tell me about your parents meeting there and what they know about it.

[Jay Pharoah]

I know that my D. Was he. He was shorter than he. Than he was when they got together. My mom told him. She said if she said I can't beat with somebody, I can't beat with somebody short. So you gotta. If you want to be with me, you gotta grow. He freaking grew three inches shut. I'm so. I'm dead, bro. I'm not lying. I'm dead ass. Like he ninja turtled out of the blue. Like he just. He Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle son. Like, he got taller. He found the.

[Pete Holmes]

He found the secret of the youth.

[Jay Pharoah]

He found it and he grew.

[Pete Holmes]

He was like, nothing crazy.

[Jay Pharoah]

I don't need to be. If you want to use this one, you're gonna have to grow other elsewhere.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, oh, my God. If we want three more inches here, we gotta.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yep, yep. That's exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

That is like a. That's like a Bible story. I guess I got church on the mind.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, it's biblical.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very one of those stories in the Bible where it's like, you can date my daughter, but you have to work for me for seven years. There's seven more years. There's always a twist. Yeah, exactly. There's plagues. Your dad, what did he do, go.

[Jay Pharoah]

Home and was like. Yo. He had to be like the old boy in the Snickers commercial that was trying to grow his hair back in the day. You remember this shit?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Very vaguely.

[Jay Pharoah]

He had, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Very, very vaguely.

[Jay Pharoah]

His whole top was, like, missing. And he was. And then you hear. And he has one hair. And he looks. He looks in the mirror, he takes a bite of the Snickers.

[Pete Holmes]

I do remember.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's like, you're gonna be there a while. Grab a Snickers. And then.

[Pete Holmes]

Hilarious.

[Jay Pharoah]

He tried to do it again, and then he's like. And it came back and he had a fucking monobrow and shit. It was. That was great. I don't know who wrote that.

[Pete Holmes]

You got to hand it to a good commercial.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, that was.

[Pete Holmes]

But we're gonna have to edit that out because we are brought to you by Milky Way.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, shit.

[Pete Holmes]

Milky Way. Is there anything better than when they don't have Snickers? Are you in a gas station and they are out of Snickers? Grab a Milky Way. It's the Snickers, but there's no peanuts question mark.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's extra nougat. It's where all the nougat goes.

[Pete Holmes]

And what is nougat? It's like whipped egg whites, right?

[Jay Pharoah]

Is it?

[Pete Holmes]

I think. Okay, then why doesn't it go bad?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, why does it stay like that?

[Pete Holmes]

And why doesn't the milk in milk chocolate not go bad?

[Jay Pharoah]

That's because. Is it almond milk that they use in that?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean.

[Jay Pharoah]

I mean, almond milk never goes bad.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you googling it?

[Jay Pharoah]

Almond milk never goes bad, even when it expires. You ever notice that?

[Pete Holmes]

Is that true?

[Jay Pharoah]

I mean, for me.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't mean to hold you to that.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, man.

[Pete Holmes]

For me, I'll drink oat milk. Almond. Any of the alt milks. Yeah, I mean, it's not alt right milks. I don't drink the alt right milks.

[Jay Pharoah]

Where they're like, we're white, we're white, we're white. Alt right milk.

[Pete Holmes]

From proud cows.

[Jay Pharoah]

I gotta Go. I gotta go.

[Pete Holmes]

This riff is not worth it.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, I love it. I love it. I don't bail.

[Pete Holmes]

So your dad.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Joshua Joseph style.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Grew three extra inches.

[Jay Pharoah]

Three extra inches for your mom.

[Pete Holmes]

Is she a taller woman or. She just wanted.

[Jay Pharoah]

She's five six. She just wanted somebody. Women, like, they. That's. You know. And you're tall. Yeah, I'm six two. That's. And I don't know how the hell I came into existence over there, because dad. Dad is 5 10, and mom is 5 6, so he should be 57.

[Pete Holmes]

If it weren't for a miracle from the Lord.

[Jay Pharoah]

The Lord said, hey, you got a. You got a pharaoh to make. You got some pharaohs to make. Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

And that is incredible.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, man.

[Pete Holmes]

So they met at church.

[Jay Pharoah]

Met at church.

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't date right away. He gained three inches.

[Jay Pharoah]

And then.

[Pete Holmes]

Does she tell a story of, like, noticing? And then your father walked in, and I swear he was three inches taller.

[Jay Pharoah]

He. He was. He's right there with her, like, yeah, I grew. Like, he's like, it happened. I. Yeah, I grew. I've never. I'm dead ass.

[Pete Holmes]

Been more glad that I asked. I've never, on this show, asked somebody how their parents met. I've never been more glad.

[Jay Pharoah]

But I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna say something crazy about me, like. Well, that sounds so narcissistic.

[Pete Holmes]

It. You're in a safe space. We're here to talk about you.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay, cool. Cool. All right. So I grew three inches after I graduated high school, and I was 17 when I graduated.

[Pete Holmes]

Growing supposed to be done.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And this is the Pharaoh 3. I know, it's.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, it's the Pharaoh 3.

[Pete Holmes]

You got the Pharaoh 3. And your dad pops in and goes, how old was he when he grew? The Pharaoh 3.

[Jay Pharoah]

He was 17.

[Pete Holmes]

The Pharaoh 3.

[Jay Pharoah]

He was 17. Dude, that's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

You guys have, like, a little program in you that waits to you.

[Jay Pharoah]

Want to know something else about us? We have six fingers on each hand. That's right. That's right. I'm handicapped right now. Cause it's cut.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, you had a terrible accident on both hands.

[Jay Pharoah]

Had. I had a black mom that said, no. Hell no. That's what happened. That was my accident. She was like, yo, no, you are not going. My babies are not going to school. They are already. It's already gonna be hard enough, dude.

[Pete Holmes]

Dead ass. So you grew dead ass.

[Jay Pharoah]

Dead ass, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

What about dead ass?

[Jay Pharoah]

Dead ass? That's what. That's. That's what I'm just saying. I'm serious. I'm dead ass.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, dead ass.

[Jay Pharoah]

Dead ass.

[Pete Holmes]

They were saying dead ass.

[Jay Pharoah]

Nah, nah, man.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought you were pantomime.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes. No.

[Pete Holmes]

A salad toss.

[Jay Pharoah]

Not. Not pan. Is that. Is that. Is that. Is that called a rim job? Is that what it is? A rim job? Yeah, that's. I was gonna. I was gonna use that term. Yeah. I wasn't. I wasn't describing rim job. Rim job. And no, no, it wasn't the moment's ass. No, it wasn't the moment. Not that moment. No. Maybe 30 minutes ago, not now. It's just. Yeah. Before I got here. Like, right before I got here. So you not a dad, though. Like, she was Puerto Rican. Whatever. Look, look, my life is my life, okay? I didn't have a Puerto Rican today. That was two months ago. So. Pete. Yeah, yeah, so. So my mom, my parents. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll bring it back to Virginia.

[Jay Pharoah]

Virginia?

[Pete Holmes]

You grew up there?

[Jay Pharoah]

I grew up Chesapeake, Virginia. I went.

[Pete Holmes]

And how was it?

[Jay Pharoah]

Dude, it was. I had a. I had a pretty good childhood, man. Like, your parents got a.

[Pete Holmes]

Of lot.

[Jay Pharoah]

My parents. Well, as long. As much as you would think married couples would get along, you know, with problems, you know, they. Sister was somebody, I would say, who was protective of me. I felt like I didn't really get protected anywhere else but with my sister because, man, I was bullied, I was joked, I was awkward. Why? I mean, I was.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, nobody deserves that. And there's no answer that you could give. What if you were like. Like, well, I was gangly. Oh, okay, then that's fair. I'm wondering, what was it that made you outside of the group in school?

[Jay Pharoah]

I don't. Dude, I don't. I don't know. I was. We were already, you know, coming from the. The church that we came from, man, it was. The mindset was a little. The. The new bishop had to come in and like, break our mindset down. We were. We were following this guy before, and everybody was. Was treating him as if he was the Lord. Yeah. And he. He orchestrated like that. So his son came in and came and was like, yo, we're not going to do it like that. You know, it's. It's all Jesus. It's not.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna need more on that. So there was a lead. Yes, I'm gonna need more on that. So one of the things that kind of made you a little bit different was that you were going to this church. Yeah, well, meaning earnest people that wanted to worship God.

[Jay Pharoah]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

And then the Leader went a little bit sideways.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What happened?

[Jay Pharoah]

He was just. He just had people. He had pictures of himself. He was selling people, was buying.

[Pete Holmes]

He's the oldest story in the book. I mean, you hear about this all. I just want you to feel comfortable and safe.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, yeah, it's fine.

[Pete Holmes]

You hear stories like this all the time.

[Jay Pharoah]

It was a little cultish, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, it was. And the son saw all of the problems, you know, he went, and I love him. Bishop Omega. That's my.

[Pete Holmes]

Bishop Omega is the non cult one. That sounds like a cult.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes, it does.

[Pete Holmes]

Worship Bishop Omega.

[Jay Pharoah]

Cult.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry.

[Jay Pharoah]

Bow down. Bow down to Bishop Omega.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we following a Transformer right now?

[Jay Pharoah]

Decepticons, this is the word of Optimus prior. Thessalonians. Bumblebee, bu. Bumblebee314.

[Pete Holmes]

What was that dude doing? And were your folks into it?

[Jay Pharoah]

And I'll. I'll.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll show a little bit here. I remember at my church, my mom got in a little bit of. Not trouble, but there was a guy, or it could have been a woman who came and they were preaching that, like, every disease was linked to a sin. And of course, like, I mean.

[Jay Pharoah]

I mean, herpes. Of course. Come on.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you.

[Jay Pharoah]

Jesus.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, when you're right, you're right.

[Jay Pharoah]

He writes a. I'm just.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying, you're right on herpes talk. Like, you yell that out from the back of the church. I can attest to this theory with herpes. Phil, you don't have to yell that every meeting.

[Jay Pharoah]

I just want people to know. I have to. I have to alert them.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the quickest way to let everyone know I have.

[Jay Pharoah]

Dude herpes. Dude. Pete, that is a funny. That. That is. That's a sketch, man. That's so fucking funny. Just in the back, the reverend is up there preaching the word of God. The dude gets up in the back.

[Pete Holmes]

And we get lost.

[Jay Pharoah]

I can attest to that.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, he's like, don't let the devil take you down the wrong path.

[Jay Pharoah]

Let me tell you, the wrong path often leads to Atlantic City, New Jersey. I was gonna say. I was gonna say 8th Street, 8th Avenue. But, you know, whatever. You know what I mean? You do what you want. Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

But their theory was that every. Everything came from a sin. So, like, I remember, of course, I looked up what jerking off led to.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, what do I have in my future? That was the start.

[Pete Holmes]

I had the thesaurus, and I was like, masturbation. And it was. I think it was liver disease. And I Remember being like, I guess I'm getting liver disease.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's like, well, it regenerates.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

That is worth it. I'm not an alcoholic. I swear. I only jerk off.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. I'm a jerkaholic. My mom got, like. She followed that guy, and then the church decided that that guy wasn't legit. And then I remember my mom being kind of bummed out because she was getting some value out of it. So I'm wondering, what was your family's attitude towards the one that was cultish?

[Jay Pharoah]

They. At first, everybody. It was. They were. Everybody was brainwashed.

[Pete Holmes]

He was charismatic.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Very, very charismatic. People. Very. I guess you could say he was. He was. He was super gregarious. So, yeah, you know, people. People levitated to.

[Pete Holmes]

They.

[Jay Pharoah]

You know, they levitate.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, even when he passed away, there were. There were church members who were holding the back of the limousine, holding the back of the hearse as it was. Go. No, like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Like. So there were people that followed him all the way to the end.

[Jay Pharoah]

All the way to the end. And some folks. I think a couple people thought he was gonna come back, you know, from the dead. I was like, maybe if he's a vampire. I'm four. I'm like, yo, maybe if he's a vampire. What the hell is wrong with y'? All? I. I was. Check the castles, the stakes. We need steaks. All the steaks, please.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's all meet at Olive Garden. He can't reach us there.

[Jay Pharoah]

Cousin. And die because of the garlic.

[Pete Holmes]

So people were into him, and your family was sort of into him. Did it happen slowly? Like, what?

[Jay Pharoah]

Nah, as soon as it. Dude, he got named the pastor. Yeah, he was there for years. Dude, he was there for, like. He was general overseer for. When did Bishop Johnson die? Bishop Johnson, the one before him. Same type, died 69. And then Bishop. Bishop Omega was 1991. So that's about. Yeah. So. Oh, boy. So blessing us. He was in power for, like, 22. 22 years. Whoa. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And was it. Not to say nuts, but was it kind of off the rails the whole time?

[Jay Pharoah]

Slowly. It was off the. It was off the. I was young. I was a baby. I was born in 87. So I don't remember a lot of the things that were happening, but I remember. I do get told the stories, and there was a couple of things I remember just. But not all of the antics and things. Man, I was such a baby. So my parents were.

[Pete Holmes]

What were the stories?

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, man. Pete, I'm gonna get a Call from Bishop Jay.

[Pete Holmes]

You said the new guy's good. Omega Supreme.

[Jay Pharoah]

Omega. Omega. Omega Supreme.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna fill that congregation.

[Jay Pharoah]

That sounds like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, we can get new people.

[Jay Pharoah]

That sounds like a Yu. Gi. Okay. Character. Omega supreme or Omega Shenron? Is this Dragon Ball? Is this what's happening here? Okay, so some of the stories that were told. What did he do?

[Pete Holmes]

There have to be good stories.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, my gosh. He made. Yes. Nobody could leave the church for a week. I think nobody was showered. He was.

[Pete Holmes]

He kept everybody at church.

[Jay Pharoah]

He kept everybody at church. They didn't shower. Of course. They had a couple of bathroom breaks, I guess, people. I guess when he would go to the. I think when he went to the bathroom, people would run out and use the bathroom real quick and try to get back before he came back. And he would be pick. He'd pick out who left. Like, he would. He'd be on that. He was on that stuff. You left. Yeah, you. You. You was. Yeah. You left too, man. Chris Tucker, me in there. You left too, man. Shit. Want everybody to stay here with you? I'm stinking.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, can you give me some help? Was this a retreat or was it just a Sunday that went so long? We went to the next Sunday.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes. It was a church. I think it was a church convention. We have church conventions. You know what I mean? We have international, national. The youth conference, the little flock convention. We'll have all these different church conferences. So he would. I think it was. I don't know if it was the youth conference. It was one of the long ones. The youth conference used to be a week. I don't know how long it is now. It's like four days or whatever. Because our bishop, he's getting older. He's like, all right, go home.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, but we can do this in four.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

We could have done this over Zoom.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. He's a sports fan. He likes watching. He likes getting out so he can see the games. That's what you write. All right. God is good all the time. All right, let's wrap it up. That's how he sounds. He's got that deep. This deep.

[Pete Holmes]

But this old guy started preaching on a Sunday and didn't stop It.

[Jay Pharoah]

Didn't stop until the net, until a week later.

[Pete Holmes]

All night, too.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes. He would preach all night. Or he would have. I think he would take a break and he would have another. He would have like a. He'd be like.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's when the Lord. Another guy.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's back there. He's back there. Chilling. He's back there chilling and drinking wine, and everybody's in the front stinking and clapping. That. Triple clapping.

[Pete Holmes]

And. But if I'm hearing you correctly, afraid to leave.

[Jay Pharoah]

Afraid of him? Yes. Yes. He struck fear into these folks.

[Pete Holmes]

And was there, like, discipline sort of stuff? Like, would you be outcast or exiled from the church?

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, yeah, they would. Yeah. They definitely. They exile you and they call you a reprobate.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what you call. Oh, my gosh.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yep. And you don't want to get labeled as a reprobate because then, you know, you come back to. You come back to the church, and the church members could. Could kick your ass.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what they do.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, I know. Like. Like, really.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, they.

[Pete Holmes]

Not a figure of speech.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, no, they would really. Yeah, you would. You could really get attack intact. Yeah, there. There have been. I. I remember my uncle. My uncle threw one of the church members out of the church. Really? He literally. Yeah, he. Like jazz. Like, jazz? Yeah, yeah, straight up, like. Ah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

People said, like jazz.

[Jay Pharoah]

We think a lot. We think.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And you're 10 years younger than me. I'm putting it together.

[Jay Pharoah]

Crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

But we still have the same references. Ninja Turtles, jazz.

[Jay Pharoah]

I'm an old soul man. Why older soul, not an old soul. You're not old.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you mean. Why more than charisma? What was he doing? Were there, like, stories? Was he healing people? Was he.

[Jay Pharoah]

Like.

[Pete Holmes]

Did he have prophecy?

[Jay Pharoah]

He was. Would it. We had a. The. The overseer before had, like, this rule book that he created, and his son. His son, the one that I was just talking about, he kind of translated it over and then controlled everybody with these.

[Pete Holmes]

With these.

[Jay Pharoah]

Book of rules.

[Pete Holmes]

So he started it. His dad wrote a book of rules.

[Jay Pharoah]

His dad had a book of rules, and then he just continued it.

[Pete Holmes]

And the rules, I have to imagine, were pretty strict.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes. Like, you can't. Like cotton stock. Like, women can only wear cotton stockings. And the dresses were like. What was it like? Like, they had to be like, was it 12 inches, 8 inches from the ground or something like that? Men had to wear. Had to wear suits and just simple stuff. And if you didn't do all of this, you would go to hell. Yeah. We had our own Catholic regime happening. It was crazy. We had our own set of rules that we were.

[Pete Holmes]

And did you grow up in that fear that you were gonna get kicked into the furnace?

[Jay Pharoah]

No, not me. I mean, well, hell, of course. The fear of hell has always been poor, put into. Into my mind and I. I mean, even the dreams, I have dreamt some crazy because of it, but. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Really vivid dreams, y'.

[Pete Holmes]

All.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, my God. Really?

[Pete Holmes]

When you were little?

[Jay Pharoah]

When I was little, I used to be petrified of hell. Of course. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But it's a weird thing when grown ups are like. Yeah, I know we tell you a lot of stuff.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, but that's. This is real. All I knew was church, though. I. Like, that's what I. All I knew was church. Church, That's. That was what. We would travel every weekend to go to some different place. Like, I pretty much practically lived in New York and Philadelphia because we will always go back over there. Our. Our headquarters was in Philadelphia, another one of the main churches in New York. And that's, you know, all the northern folks. That's all of my families up there. So I would. Basically, that's all I was.

[Pete Holmes]

Your whole life.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Culture.

[Jay Pharoah]

But Bishop Omega kind of. Like I said, he took that rule book and was like. Like, he's the one that looked and said, yo, none of this stuff is gonna put you in hell. The only thing that could put you in hell is if you disobey the rules in this book, which is the Bible. So he was like, yo, straight out the book. And he had to train, retrain everybody to get straight out of the brook. And people got it together. They know. And the folks that were seriously brainwashed, they're. You know, a lot of them passed away.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

You know, so after they held onto the hearse. After they held onto the hearse. Yep. I don't give a fuck who it is. I'm not holding on in the back of no damn car. Fuck that. No, no. My shoes. Damn near no.

[Pete Holmes]

Those are nice shoes.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. I'm not gonna. My Jordans. Get the fuck outta here. Get outta here. Really? What the fuck? I look like running in some androids.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna go hold onto the back of the hearse. What shoes are you guys wearing?

[Jay Pharoah]

Hey, I can't do it. I got St Lorenzo on. I can't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Keds for when you're doing some weird church holding shit. Okay. So you grew up and we'll get to God and all that stuff. But did you start performing in the church?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, I mean, I was joking. I was joking the church members. I was impersonating the church members. I was making jokes. Everything. I would see, y', all. I saw crackheads. I didn't know they were crackheads in my church. I didn't know that there were crackheads. Well, In Norfolk. You know the place I was in Norfolk, there was the street, Liberty Street. There was a lot of them walking down. So some of our members were, you know, had drug addiction. So, like, this one sister, rest in peace to her, but she would come in church and she would, she did. How y' all doing? God is good. And she go like this. Yeah. And as a little kid, I love.

[Pete Holmes]

What is going on here. Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yo, what the fuss? So every time I would see it, I'll be like, I'll be like, dude.

[Pete Holmes]

You'Re actually making me remember, like, when you're a kid and you're, you know, comedically inclined, but you don't know what, you don't. Out of bounds. I used to, to, you know, probably do impressions of people that couldn't help but act that way. Yeah, but you don't know.

[Jay Pharoah]

You don't. You don't know. It's still, it's still funny, as you know.

[Pete Holmes]

It killed, if I'm being honest. People loved it. I'm just kidding. But I like you.

[Jay Pharoah]

There's.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Church was, like, safe. You know, people were not always nice, but, like, for the most part, nice, welcoming, accepting. And it's a community. So that's where I, I, this is how long ago it was. I would do Bill Cosby impressions on stage and, and it would murder people. Absolutely loved it. And then when I got to college, I went to a Christian college. I would do impressions here.

[Jay Pharoah]

You went to a Christian college?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, man. You went to two liquid deaths.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Two LDs. I would do impressions. I remember it was Professor Barkley at Gordon College. And this is something he actually said once you. And this is how he, he's like, I. I find it very helpful to make sure that my wife and I make love at least once a week. So, you know, that could be hard. So we would pick a day. And I swear he almost told us the day he was like. So we decided that every, you know, a certain day. And I was like, we almost were able to. To track why he's happier on Monday.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yes. Sunday. He was getting it. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Ask for an extension on your paper on Monday because Barkley got laid.

[Jay Pharoah]

What is it? So what does he do? Go to church. They go. They pray. They, they go to church. Go to Golden Corral and go home. And that's what they did. Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know what? I get it.

[Jay Pharoah]

Like, is that what you do?

[Pete Holmes]

Val and I, with the four year old now We.

[Jay Pharoah]

We don't schedule it.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't schedule it. But, like, you have to make sure you do it.

[Jay Pharoah]

You do it. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what I say. It's like. Like writing. I go, like, if you sort of feel like it but you're tired, you got to go with it because sometimes sort of feel like it is as good as you can it. And then with me, every time I have sex, as soon as I'm doing it, I go like, oh, yeah, I love this.

[Jay Pharoah]

But when you remember, you remember I.

[Pete Holmes]

Can'T hold on to it. And if I'm tired and our baby, like, was up all night or whatever it is, and I'm in bed, I'm just like. And I'm like, have sex. And I'm like, get the fuck out of here. You know, like, you just want to sleep. But then as soon as we start having sex, I'm like, like, why was I resisting this? Honestly, this is going to sound weird, but it's the same with meditation. It can be hard for me to meditate. Then almost every time I do, I'm like, why didn't I want to do this? Yeah, take a break. But your brain is so persuasive at being like, you don't need to do that. It's like Joe Pesci up there.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's like, yeah, what the are you doing here? You taking a break?

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't make any sense. Go do something, drink some coffee, respond to some emails, and then you meditate. That's why I like calling meditation snuggling with infinity. It's a better way of putting it.

[Jay Pharoah]

That is a good.

[Pete Holmes]

You're just like. It's so much better than, like.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's absolutely one of the best descriptions I've ever heard in my life. Like, dude, that's great, Robert Downey Jr. It's got to be good. I didn't say it. I didn't even say it, dude. It's just the way you just fucking explain that, bro. It's just totally just fucking ridiculous. Just the way you just said that. Fucking off. I've never, dude, ever put it like that before. It's so fucking great.

[Pete Holmes]

You were feeling something that had to be expressed as Robert Downey Jr. That's what I watched.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, I like that so much. Here's Robert Downey Jr.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's because it's like. It was like. It's. It's one of those things where, you know, everybody's just, you know, talking bullshit all the time, dude. And you just wow. Just wow. I've never heard it put like that before. It's just absolutely amazing. And who the am I? I'm just a billionaire philanthropist and also just, you know, somebody who saved Marvel series and whatever. You're welcome. You're welcome. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pardon the interruption, weirdos. This episode is brought to us by Raycon Wireless Earbuds. Something that I just discovered and I have been loving them. I've been listening to a lot of audiobooks sitting in the old backyard. I've been listening to Tribe for those of you that have been hearing me quote that book so much. And I've been listening to tons and tons of music and it's been great. One of the reasons it's been great is because I listen to all this stuff on my Raycon. Raycon wireless earbuds. Raycon's everyday earbuds Love, look, feel and sound better than ever with optimized gel tips. I love the gel. The gel tips for the perfect in ear fit. These earbuds are so comfortable and they will not budge. Trust me. I wear them on my treadmill. I like to walk. I do sometimes run either way. I sometimes run either way. These earbuds are staying in place. Plus Raycon gives you eight hours of playtime and a 32 hour battery life. I never have to worry if they are charged. Raycons are also priced just right. You get quality audio at half the price of other premium audio brands, which I'm really happy to share with you guys. It's no wonder. Raycon's everyday earbuds have over 50,000 five star reviews. They have three customizable sound profiles, earbud tap functions, noise isolation. They are truly, truly incredible. I love putting them in, knowing that they're going to stay place, stay in place knowing that they're not going to make my ears sore because I often wear them for hours on end. They stay in, they stay comfortable, they look great and on top of all of that, they are affordable. So go to buyraycon r a y c o n buyraycon.com today and use code weirdo15 to get 15 off your Raycon order. That's code [e-mail] to score 15 off buyraycon.com code weirdo15. All right, let's get back to it.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yo, wait. Can I break and tell you before we go go back into the story? I met him and it was so. I love that man.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, he's right.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's. I saw him and I was like, yo, I can't and he starts. He starts, like, kind of mimicking me.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he did an impression of you.

[Jay Pharoah]

He was like. He said, oh, I can't believe it. And he just walked off. And I was like, dude, it kind of hurt my feelings. Kind of hurt my feelings. Cause I was like, he sort of.

[Pete Holmes]

Defused the situation by just kind of mimicking you and then walking away.

[Jay Pharoah]

Then walking away. Yeah. It just. I said, wow. I. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I always. I've quoted this a million times because it really changed the way I think about famous people. Is. Mulaney said that Mick Jagger, when he was on snl. Mick Jagger was there. He said, mick, everyone's heard this a million times, but here, it's almost over. Mick Jagger talks to people like we talk to Siri.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes, diet Coke. Like, he just does that.

[Jay Pharoah]

Diet Coke.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's. Mulaney said to me. It changed my perception. He goes, are you polite to Alexa? And I'm like, oh. And when Robert. Robert Downey Jr. Sounds like, here comes another Alexa. And he's like, you know what? I'm gonna do something weird.

[Jay Pharoah]

And I'm Walk away. Yeah, I gotta do something weird because this guy is totally gonna freak out, bro. He's gonna. He's. He's definitely just gonna.

[Pete Holmes]

But you were on the cast.

[Jay Pharoah]

I know, I know. And that's why I hurt. I was like, dude, I really.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me. Yeah, go ahead.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who blew you away with how nice they were?

[Jay Pharoah]

Let's give a good one with how nice they were. Were. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Other than Gabrielle.

[Jay Pharoah]

Drake.

[Pete Holmes]

Drake.

[Jay Pharoah]

But of course he's. Oh, yeah, he's from Canadian, bro. Canada, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, of course, bro.

[Jay Pharoah]

Like, he's gonna be, like, so nice, but he was like, bro, like, he flew me and my friends out to, like, London, bro. Like, it wasn't like I was. It wasn't. It was Birmingham, bro. It was Birmingham. Yeah, He. He flew. He flew me and my friends. We were in London. He flew us out to Birmingham. He gave us our own fucking bus. He put women in there. Like, Drake is fucking great. What? Yeah. This happened in 2014. Yeah. We were hanging out with.

[Pete Holmes]

You ran into Drake.

[Jay Pharoah]

I was in London. I ran into Drizzy Drake. I ran into a promoter named Leon. And he.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew Leon.

[Jay Pharoah]

You know Leon. Of course you. I love how I say it. I said.

[Pete Holmes]

I know Leon.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. I know Leon.

[Pete Holmes]

He's a good guy.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Works with Drake.

[Pete Holmes]

So you ran into Leon?

[Jay Pharoah]

Ran into Leon. And it was so. It was so crazy because we just. We didn't plan anything. We just go out. I said, yo, I'm not planning anything. It was me and two of my other friends. My best friend Jarrod Tanner was there. He always. And shout out to him. He does his thing, called. And then we had sex podcast. And that shit is blowing up right now.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know if you've heard of it. No.

[Jay Pharoah]

Edit out. Of course. Okay. Edit it out. Okay, cool. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm just kidding. And then we had to.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes. And then. Then we had sex with your.

[Pete Holmes]

With your buddy Jarrod.

[Jay Pharoah]

But it's. But it's really. It's. It's fun. But.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so we make that joke every time whenever someone promotes something else.

[Jay Pharoah]

So.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, absolutely.

[Jay Pharoah]

I thought she was serious. I was like, oh, shit. Oh, God.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw you think that. I think. No, no, no. Absolutely. Check out. And then we had sex.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes, Check it out. Okay, so me, him, and another. Another. Another. Another dude. Another one of my friends. His name's Carter. We were all out there, and I said, dude, I'm not planning anything. Let's just walk. We just walked down the street, ran into this promoter. This promoter was like, yo, man, on the street. On the street. On the fucking street. He goes. He goes, yo, dude, he said. He says, where you guys from?

[Pete Holmes]

He recognizes you.

[Jay Pharoah]

He didn't recognize me. He didn't recognize me, but I'm gonna tell you.

[Pete Holmes]

But you were wearing multi sunglasses.

[Jay Pharoah]

Hold on, though. Hold on, though. So he goes. He goes, where you guys from? I was like, well, you know, like, New York, Virginia, whatever. He was like, oh, yeah. I'm always in New York, you know. You know DJ who kid? That's my guy. And DJ who Kid is one of my homeboys, one of my close friends too. So I was like, you listen to DJ who kid? He was like, yeah. He was like, you know, I love this dude up there, man. Like, the dude does all these voices, man. And I was like, jay Pharrell. He was like, yeah. And I was like, hi. He was like, oh, shit. So he said, yo, dude. He said, come to Circus de Sui. Whatever. This club is Drake and Rihanna there, and I know them. So he takes. He takes us there. We go there. Drake is there. Rihanna's there. Ariana's like, oh, my God. Like, what the are you doing here? Like, like, isn't SNL Live this week? Like, you're supposed to work out of touch. I swear for Lord, that's how she talk. Yeah, I'm sorry. Such a. She looks like a cat with a.

[Pete Holmes]

Secret, and she talks like Jed Apatow's. Third daughter.

[Jay Pharoah]

Rihanna. I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

She sounds like one of the Apatow girls.

[Jay Pharoah]

Iris and Maude, the Finney warriors are gonna be.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying that's a very. Almost like a Valley kind of voice, which Iris and Maude don't sound that way now. We're all afraid of.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, like, I'm sorry. It's more like, I'm sorry. Maybe I did it wrong. It's more like the Barbados. Like, she's. She's.

[Pete Holmes]

She talks like Flanny from Largo.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna book you on a show. It's me, Rihanna, Yo. Oh, they're always. I was gonna say they're always after me Lucky Charms, but we're gonna be better than that. Rihanna can't. She has to talk like this. Hey, it's me, Rihanna. I can't hear it. It's gotta be cool and sultry and smoky. Not what I just did.

[Jay Pharoah]

That sounds like it comes with a scrunched face and some puff lips and basically little Kim's body.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought that Sent out was live.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's Rihanna. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Keep going.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

She says hello.

[Jay Pharoah]

Rihanna says hello. And Drake says. He's like, bro. Like. He's like, dude, like, what the. You're here, bro. Like, yo, like, what are you guys doing tomorrow? And I was like, we ain't got nothing planned. He's like, dude, come out to Birmingham, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

Like.

[Jay Pharoah]

Like, I got a show and, like, you guys can, like, stay. And I said, well, we kind of. We're staying in London. He was like, yo, I'll fly you out. It's like, what? Really? Yeah, man. I'll fly you out. Come on. I was like, okay. So we just said London, and we just went to Birmingham for a day and chilled with Drake. Rihanna. At the fucking concert. Whoa. And this was like when the. Started from the bottom. That's the start. That's when. That's when that hit came out and that. Which album was that? Nothing. Was the. Was it? Was it. Nothing was the same. Is that Nothing was the same. You don't know. God dang it. Damn it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, Drake. Allen.

[Jay Pharoah]

I think it was because.

[Pete Holmes]

Take care, Drake gave you your own bus. But I missed the Drake bus. I don't know.

[Jay Pharoah]

You didn't. You didn't get on the Drake. You were invited. Your name was on the seat.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Jay Pharoah]

That would have been so fun right there. Hey, Rihanna. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Started at the bottom.

[Jay Pharoah]

Now we're here. Ella. Ella. A. Some shit. Get under my umbrella. Ella. Ella.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, I'm thinking about how you used to got hit. Hit your mom hit you with a Ninja Turtles umbrella.

[Jay Pharoah]

You. Oh, you. Wow. Yeah, you dug. You got that? Yeah, that was my favorite. It was yellow. It had green turtles on it. And it ruined the show for you. Ruined the show for me. I ain't want to watch it no more after that. I was like, fuck Ninja Turtles. Having flashbacks. Oh, God. Michelangelo.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, hilarious.

[Jay Pharoah]

Cannot be me. You watched it. You watched some of it. Clip. All right. You saw it somewhere.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. No, I listen to your album.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, okay. Cool. Yeah, There we go. There we go. Trust me, my. My is way better now. I'll go.

[Pete Holmes]

But no, you know, I will say this about your album, but I felt this way when I saw you in Montreal. We'll get back to the story we're telling. We're actually telling several stories, but on your record, I was like, they should be giving this up more. That's all. I thought nothing about you.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was actually the crowd. I was like, I don't really understand what's going on. It was a great record. But I was like. Like, this deserves an 11, and they're giving it a 7, 8. Like a regular kind of club crowd.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, we. I felt that way when I saw you in Montreal because that show was rough. Like, the show we did together was rough, but if you remember. So we did a show together in Montreal.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was sitting in the front.

[Jay Pharoah]

It was a comedy awards. Was.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a comedy awards. So it's like, you know, it's not really the crowd's fault. It's like 11am in the middle of.

[Jay Pharoah]

A festival and then jokes in the morning.

[Pete Holmes]

But you were going up, and I. I think this is when we became friends. I was dying because I was like. And I kept looking at the crowd being like, how am I the best? I have to go up next. How am I the best? Laugh. But you were.

[Jay Pharoah]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Undeniably hilarious, and you did great for what it was. But it was the same sort of thing where I was like, this should be getting an 11 right now. That's all I was gonna say. So where were we in the story? We got the culty thing. We got your parents meeting. We got you performing in church.

[Jay Pharoah]

I think that's got me joking. You got me impersonating the people in church.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Jay Pharoah]

You don't know. You're not conscious of what's really happening. Right. What's going on?

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. The people crack. People.

[Jay Pharoah]

And we were talking about that in correlation to me getting bullied.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. And that's right. Thank you. Yeah, we swapped. Mike, you're the host now. You just hosted.

[Jay Pharoah]

I just.

[Pete Holmes]

You just hosted. Dude, what was happening in school and it had to do with you being in the weird culty church.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, I, you know, I think because of the. Me just being used to warmth.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

You know, me being used to folks being nice and cordial from church.

[Pete Holmes]

I relate so hard. And no one's ever said that my church was so sweet and nice and everybody was so friendly and accommodating. Then you go to high school and I got kids like bumping into me on purpose and stuff. I wasn't like hardcore bullied by any means, but I was like. Like, this is not what I'm used to. I'm used to like, hi, like friendly ass people. Like nice people.

[Jay Pharoah]

Amicable.

[Pete Holmes]

What happened to you?

[Jay Pharoah]

I just. They. I guess I'm just. I was. They always call me weird. People always just call me weird. They're like, yo, you're. You're weird. Rihanna.

[Pete Holmes]

Rihanna went to your.

[Jay Pharoah]

Rihanna. Rihanna was there. So Megan, thee stallion was there too. Somehow. I don't know. Even though she's 10 years younger. About 10 years younger. Maybe eight, seven. I'll stick with it. I can still smash, but it sucks, people.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, it's okay. You're. You're in the. You're in the riff bubble.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay, cool.

[Pete Holmes]

You. You were being called weird, which now doesn't seem that bad. But at the time it had to be.

[Jay Pharoah]

It was weird. It was. It was because as a kid, you just wanna. Wherever you go, you just want to fit in.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to belong.

[Jay Pharoah]

You want to belong. And I didn't. I never. I didn't feel like I belonged. I got even the teachers were. Even a teacher, Ms. Jones, she was so mean to me. My first grade teacher, my kindergarten teacher, I loved her, you know. I love my kindergarten teacher. You know, I got bullied by this fat kid named Ryan who pushed me so hard, my hat.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. And then my dad used to walk me to the bus stop every day. And he saw it one day because I usually. I mean, he used to bully me. And I guess this one day he just pushed me so hard. And my dad watched from the. He couldn't. He couldn't go to the. To the bus stop at this point. And he was like, dude, I'm running late. He said, jared, I'm running late, but I'm gonna watch you walk down there and make sure you get on the bus, and I'm. Because I'm running late trying to get my clothes on, everything. So he comes out. He's watching me. You know, he's doing his thing. He's checking. And then Ryan pushes me, and, like, I fall to the ground, skin my arm. You know what I'm saying? And he just ran down the street, and he's like, yo, he. Y'. All. He was. Is.

[Pete Holmes]

Your dad ran down.

[Jay Pharoah]

My dad ran down after this dude, and he was just like, yo, if you ever touch my son again, I'll kill you. Like, he was like that. And he was. And that's very scary for Ryan because my dad was naked at this point.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, he was not full.

[Jay Pharoah]

So he was. Soldier boy. You the out. He was. He was there.

[Pete Holmes]

He was not.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, he had it. No, he had pants on, but his thing was big, was flapping or. It was scary for the guy. My dad was packing. You know, your dad's thing is always humongous, you know, till you get older and you're just like, hey, whoa. We're the same shit. Like, see him taking it. They see him peeing. You like, oh, wait, it's not what I remember.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I wish I could see my own ding dong from the perspective of me when I was six. Because you're right. Your dad's ding dong was way, way big.

[Jay Pharoah]

Freaking huge.

[Pete Holmes]

So your dad's huge ass ding dong is flopping around in his boxers. He picks up. He doesn't pick up, but in my mind, he picked up. Up little tubby Ryan.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, he had him.

[Pete Holmes]

He.

[Jay Pharoah]

He had him.

[Pete Holmes]

But he stood up for you.

[Jay Pharoah]

He stood up for me.

[Pete Holmes]

It is a scary story for Ryan. I'm sure he's on a different podcast right now. He's on your dad.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's on A, I can't watch. B, I can't watch. I can't watch Black Dot com podcast. That's what the he's on because he's terrorized now. You know Black dot com. You watch it.

[Pete Holmes]

What is black dot com?

[Jay Pharoah]

What you don't know about black dot com is.

[Pete Holmes]

I know black dot gov.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's. No, that's totally different. Oh, okay, you funny. You do know black dot com.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know Black dot com.

[Jay Pharoah]

You really don't.

[Pete Holmes]

What is black dot com?

[Jay Pharoah]

It's a site where snow bunnies get smashed by the black community.

[Pete Holmes]

Snow bunnies are white.

[Jay Pharoah]

White.

[Pete Holmes]

White women.

[Jay Pharoah]

White. White women. Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's a porn site?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, it's porn site. Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I go to chubbywhite.com.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay, Chubby. That's what you like. Okay, farm girls, that's what you. Farm girls.

[Pete Holmes]

How did they get black.com? because I think Crayola would have.

[Jay Pharoah]

Crayola had to have something to say about this.

[Pete Holmes]

They got thecolor.com to be porn.

[Jay Pharoah]

Don't fuck. It's a great. It's a great site. That's how me and Jamie Foxx bonded. I put over Black dot com. I had a joke. It was like, yo, this girl. I had a joke. I went on a show and I was like, you know what? Y' all uptight. Y' all just need to get black. You know what I mean? And the one lady was like, I just look at. Like that. And then Jamie Foxx was like, I know what black.com is, Nick. He writes it under the post. Yeah, I Definitely know what black.com is. I know what black.com is, Jay. I know what you're talking about is.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't even know I knew what.

[Jay Pharoah]

Jamie Foxx sounded like.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you do it. And I go, that's him.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's him.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you ever been to a Jamie Foxx sex party?

[Jay Pharoah]

No. No. I. I respect the answer they make you give on the way out.

[Pete Holmes]

He makes. Now, let's cover. If anybody asks if you've ever been.

[Jay Pharoah]

To my house, if anybody asks you about this, you will never hear.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, Open robe.

[Jay Pharoah]

Open. Listen.

[Pete Holmes]

He's drinking from a goblet.

[Jay Pharoah]

Look, come here, Jay. Jay, Jay, Jay. Listen. You just have to be fully comfortable. Once you're fully comfortable, you don't have to worry about anything. But you gotta be fully comfortable first.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all it is.

[Jay Pharoah]

Just being fully comfortable.

[Pete Holmes]

This sounds like real Jamie Foxx.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, this. Yeah, this is. You did. No, no, no. I never was wanted. I never went.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, I know, but that sounds like something you would say.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, he's got to be comfortable. As soon as you get comfortable, everybody will be eating out the palm of your hand.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what he said?

[Jay Pharoah]

That's real. Listen, man, you got some, man. You got some.

[Pete Holmes]

You need to use that.

[Jay Pharoah]

You know you got that, man. I can't, man, you. Man, you a beast. What the. Why the. They not using you on the show, baby? That's what he said to me.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good advice.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like. I know people misuse Zen, but that is like, Zen. That's like. That was. That's, like, real. Like, if you're comfortable, and he is. If I used one word to describe Jamie Fox it would be comfortable.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's a comfortable dude and everywhere he goes, he takes. He makes it a party. He brings this subwoofer with him where he'll hook up his Bluetooth. He's got his own music playing when he comes up. He's like, all about party and ambiance and making everything, everything comfortable for everybody, really. That's how he is. Wow. Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

All right.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, just don't go to them parties, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, well, I heard that. I don't want to call them sex parties, but I've heard if you're at Jamie foxx's house past 11 and you're wearing clothes, you're the weirdo. That's what somebody told me.

[Jay Pharoah]

I don't know. I've never been. I've never been.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete, listen, when Pete Holmes has, you're gonna be on some weird podcast.

[Jay Pharoah]

Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete. Hey, man, Pete. When you get comfortable, you gonna be showing your dick and you ain't gonna care about it. Just really good. Just show it. You ain't gonna care about it. You know why? Cause you're comfortable. Ain't you comfortable, motherfucker? I'm very comfortable. He's very comfortable. I'm very comfortable. He's tweaking his nip. I'm very comfortable.

[Pete Holmes]

My rock hard nips.

[Jay Pharoah]

You know who that sounded like? That sounded like Ryan Reynolds.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, my rock hard nips. You're absolutely right.

[Jay Pharoah]

If.

[Pete Holmes]

What am I gonna do? Drink a glass of diarrhea in front of you? It's always like something kind of like real dirty. It's like, well, just spread my buck cheeks and fill it with Nutella.

[Jay Pharoah]

What? You're like, wait, what?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what's funny about Ryan Reynolds? He's been doing that. Like, he's such a phenomenon now. But if you watch a Ryan Reynolds movie, like one of his early movies, he was doing Deadpool. Yeah, he's been playing. And that's what names dropped. That's what Conan told me. He's like, just do what you do and keep doing it and eventually let them come to you. And that's definitely what Ryan Reynolds did. He wasn't like figuring it out. Yeah, you watch Ryan Reynolds in like a very old Ryan Reynolds movie. He's doing the exact same thing he's doing in Free Guy.

[Jay Pharoah]

That part was pretty much made for me. Nobody else could play that guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly.

[Jay Pharoah]

I'm the only guy who can play dead pole. No one can play Deadpool but me, cuz I'm Ryan Reynolds.

[Pete Holmes]

So the bullying When. When did it stop and what did it do to you?

[Jay Pharoah]

Bull. When did it stop, man? Okay, so you're like, I was bullied.

[Pete Holmes]

On the way here.

[Jay Pharoah]

I was like, yo, man. Yeah, dude, in. In the car. Like, what? Google bullied me while I was on my way over here. I have a Samsung. It was like, why don't you have an iPhone? You still have green bubbles. We're tired of this, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you do have a green bubble.

[Jay Pharoah]

I do.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all right.

[Jay Pharoah]

But I don't mind it. The game. He had some shit to say about it. I'm like, you've been shot at and you worried about my green bubbles.

[Pete Holmes]

The game was texting with you and said, why do you have green bubbles?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, yeah, he's.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're like, shouldn't you be counting every day as a blessing? And you're worried about my green bubbles.

[Jay Pharoah]

You almost died.

[Pete Holmes]

I think the game. Well, I'm not going to say that because what if it wasn't him? But some. A rapper. One time I was with this is too Name Droppy. I was having dinner with Aaron Rodgers and rappers love Aaron.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's you. This is my Denzel.

[Jay Pharoah]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Jay Pharoah]

All right. I wasn't even trying to do it, people. But you know, now, since. Now since you want to get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, you wanna.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to talk to me?

[Jay Pharoah]

You want to talk to me like that. So you was always a little New York.

[Pete Holmes]

Never noticed he had New York.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, he's from Mount Vernon. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Mount Vernon.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You got you over here too. Yeah, yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

You know that place? You know you just put this wagon there.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the duck sauce. Give me the duck sauce. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the duck sauce. The duck sauce on there? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Dude, like it's not just the voices. You f. You mine it and you find. Yeah, yeah, the duck. I. I couldn't do it if you gave me a 45 minute break.

[Jay Pharoah]

You can do it. You can do it. You know you can do it. That's what he would say. That's right. You can't tell yourself that you can't do it, Pete. You can do anything you put your fucking mind.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you want Boys and girls come club. Boys and girls club.

[Jay Pharoah]

Get up in there, boys. Yeah, get up in there. Even though there's a lot of people who steal, huh? Yeah, I got stolen from. That's where the bullying started, huh? That's real.

[Pete Holmes]

What did Denzel say to Will Smith?

[Jay Pharoah]

Some basics, cuz.

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't Denzel go up to Will after the slap?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So. So I approach Will afterwards, and I. And I talked to him. I said, listen, I said, when you're at your high, that's when the devil aims at you. That's right. That's right. So you make sure. You gotta make sure you do Will, too.

[Pete Holmes]

What does Will say?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, you know, it's like. You know, it's, like, insane because, you know, like, I never thought that. I never thought I would, like, react like that, you know, when, you know. Cause it happens so spontaneously. But, you know, like. Pete, you gotta understand that, you know. Yeah. I've been, like, pushed like, constantly, like, over the years. And, like, the thing with Chris was. It was like, you know, he said some things in 2016, and, like, you know, I really didn't like it. And, like, you know, that was. Had nothing to do. Nothing to do with Jada. Nothing at all. It was just totally me. And, like, I take full accountability. And I would also like to say again, you know, to Chris's mother, you know, like, I'm sorry for, like, you know, smacking your son and, you know, making him look like a. On national television. His publicist. Yeah, I mean, I mean, like, making him look soft.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Jay Pharoah]

I mean. I mean. I mean, you know, attacking him. Yeah. Did y' all get that? Yeah. Jig it out. Yes. Totally. Awesome.

[Pete Holmes]

That is so good. That's Mother. Say mother is Will Smith again.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Yeah, my mother.

[Pete Holmes]

What is going on?

[Jay Pharoah]

It's just like, you know, it's like the. You know, taking it and, like, it's the movement of everything. You know, just, like, the mouth, you know, the nose, the ears. Like, if he wants to get back into social media, he needs to use me as PSA and, like, you know, deep fake or have me talk for him. Because everything is better in chocolate.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. He's like, do a little Chris Rock because I'm just gonna die.

[Jay Pharoah]

Listen, man, like, you're missing the best part. You just did Will Smith for five minutes. Listen, listen, man. Like, you know, I got smacked. So what? Like, I'll talk about it. It'll be funny, but whatever. Duh. Like, what can you do? I got smacked by the softest nigga in Hollywood. I got smacked by the Suge Knight of Kindergarten. Okay? Like.

[Pete Holmes]

You turned me into Black Church.

[Jay Pharoah]

Like, Def Jam.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I have to, like, get up. You're so funny. You have to, like, make it physical. Like, you have to, like, get up, move around and stuff.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just too much.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's it. Oh, my God, that was great. I. I felt bad morning radioing you, but that, like, I. I just knew you could do it so good.

[Jay Pharoah]

Not. But the good thing was that you were talking about was. We were talking about getting bullied. That's what we were talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The duck sauce. But the duck sauce up there in a duck sauce. That's what it is, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Only Denzel sweet orange Chinese sauce sound like.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, sounds sexy. Yeah, that's right. Sound real sexy, huh? Yeah. Pete Holmes, my man. That's where he is. Huh? Okay, I like. You know what? I gotta say something about you, Pete Holmes, because it was, you know, you said this joke and I thought it was really funny. You said you referenced yourself, like Val Kilmer and you said. It was just so. It was so. It was so funny to me because that. The first time I looked at you, I was like, yo, Val looks good. He's, you know, he's, you know. You know, he's eating less coochie and he looks good. You know, that's what happened, right? Huh? That's right. He can't talk because he kept eating the box. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that how he got it?

[Jay Pharoah]

Well, I don't know, but, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

That'S how my thumbs up.

[Jay Pharoah]

Hey, that's. Yeah, that's where he got it from. Huh? Zeta had the germ. She had the germ.

[Pete Holmes]

Huh?

[Jay Pharoah]

He kept eating it. I guess it was good. You know, you keep returning. Hey, sometimes, you know, it's bad.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, so when did it stop and what did it do to you? I hate to go into the cliche.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But did it develop your sense of humor? Did you try to win these people?

[Jay Pharoah]

I started doing impressions at six, and that's when I. I. Yeah, that's a way I felt like. I don't know, I was just playing around with it and. No, girls liked it. Like, I had a. I got a girlfriend at 6 and she liked it. And I was like, yo, if I get a girlfriend at six. Yeah, man, I was in here. Cooties never existed. What? Cooties in there? Yeah, I was in there, man. Sick.

[Pete Holmes]

Was she also sick? She was 32.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, she was. Yeah, she was. She was 46.

[Pete Holmes]

You.

[Jay Pharoah]

So 72 was a nursing home.

[Pete Holmes]

I was there for me.

[Jay Pharoah]

She bribed me with butterscotch. It was.

[Pete Holmes]

We're in the rift bubble.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

We're in the rift bubble.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's cool. It's Cool. It's cool.

[Pete Holmes]

But you developed your humor, so the cliche is true. You were under stress.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it actually sort of pressurized the. The coal into a diamond.

[Jay Pharoah]

I feel like it. Yeah, I definitely feel like that. And I had. You know, I gained. I gained so much weight when I was six years old.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, man. I was. I turned to a little fat kid. I went to New York for one summer and.

[Pete Holmes]

You went to fat camp?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Yeah, I went to. Yeah, I went to. I went to. What's it? Drake's. What's it called? Drake's BBW Camp. That's where I went. BBW camp.

[Pete Holmes]

Big, beautiful women.

[Jay Pharoah]

Big, beautiful women. Well, those are all my aunts. They're all big, beautiful, voluptuous women, and they like to cook fried chicken. And I, like. I discovered it and I knew I. I knew I.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you eating okay?

[Jay Pharoah]

I was eating it a lot. They were feeding me.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say I ate to calm down my anxiety, too? There's like a.

[Jay Pharoah]

After you.

[Pete Holmes]

After a big meal. It's. It's a little bit like a drug. Like you're full and you're just kind of like, no problems for a little while. I was doing that.

[Jay Pharoah]

I just think it was. It was something new to me because I was. I was like, yo, son, what is all. I get to just have this all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, this is. Is great.

[Jay Pharoah]

Like, they. My. My aunt cooked for the church in New York. God dang it. My lips getting savage again.

[Pete Holmes]

Crack it. Crack that liquid.

[Jay Pharoah]

Crack it. I can see you. I can see you lick. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean queuing you to have a. Yeah, yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's what I thought. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Drink. Drink some water. Drink some water.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Yeah. Appreciate that. Appreciate that. So I'm around them. I guess my mom wanted us to be cultured a little more because, you know, we suburb kids and everything went up there. Oh, shoot. I'm so sorry. I was talking. I can project. I know how to project with addiction.

[Pete Holmes]

Rathaniel, is that you?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes. It is high rathaniel the 14th.

[Pete Holmes]

Everyone should get to hang out with you for a couple hours. It would just do. It would do wonders for national health care. Just feeling better.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's the new Patch Adams. He's the Negro Patch Adams. That's what he is. He's the NPA baby. The Negro Patch Adams.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you seen npa?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, I gotta. I gotta mind. I got a mind to do something, man. I. I feel like just while we're just deviating a little bit from a topic again, as we've Done continuously. We always get back to the situation, you know, the nucleus of everything. I feel like I have a lot of the same sensibilities as Robin Williams has.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that right?

[Jay Pharoah]

I feel like I just. All his characters have, like, a certain innocence, you know? Damn. We've been talking for that long. All his characters.

[Pete Holmes]

The 90 Minute Life.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. It's crazy that it was etched and sketched on. It was drawn up there. It looked good.

[Pete Holmes]

It looked good.

[Jay Pharoah]

You know, Gator does it by hand. I feel like he has an innocence in all of his characters. You can see it in his eyes.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you mean.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's like a childlike.

[Pete Holmes]

It's vulnerability. It's innocence, openness.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes. And I. Yeah, let's do it. Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

He's a pharaoh.

[Jay Pharoah]

Moses, actually. Actually met Robin Williams. I did.

[Pete Holmes]

How was that?

[Jay Pharoah]

Did he fly in? He was like, yes. He was like, no, he was rapping. He. He rapped Swiss Beats song ridiculous to me. And he was like, ridiculous.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Jay Pharoah]

I was like, yo. You know that. He was like, I'm a soul brother. And he did that and just walked off. And then he screamed, and I was like, that guy screaming crazy. And I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

And Downey Jr gets in the elevator.

[Jay Pharoah]

Robert Downey.

[Pete Holmes]

See, you did the same thing I did.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yep. See, See, see? Did the same thing. Same exact thing that I did. You know, just totally. Just, you know, just. Just came off real weird, bro. Just real weird. You were really weird. And you know, when somebody gets really weird like that, it's like, you know, you can bail or you can get weird. I decided to get weird, you know, so, you know, just like, you know, he got weird with you. You're just a. You're a weirdo. You've been called weird ever since you were six years old. They've been calling you. You weird.

[Pete Holmes]

It's true.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Where were you? You were just about to tell me.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay. I was. I was. Okay. This was. I was in New York. I gained weight. Okay? So. Okay, so I was about to tell you this. I knew I had gained a lot of weight because before I had left for New York, before that dreadful summer that came out where all the fat cells expanded. You gain all your fat cells at 5, right? Don't they say some shit like that? I don't know. Is that true? I think so. Something to do with that. Damn, did I have a brownie? Why are my lips like this?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it is kind of like a stoned sort of feel. You don't seem stoned at all. But you're Drinking water like a stone. Stony baloney.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, it's. Well, I drink a lot of water anyway, but you know, I have to. I got. You know, my liver is. It was on the fritz. It's better now.

[Pete Holmes]

From drinking off.

[Jay Pharoah]

From. Drink from. Yeah, from. Yeah, from jerking off. It was all.

[Pete Holmes]

Every sin leads to a.

[Jay Pharoah]

Every sin leaves the living. Yes. Leaves to something. But the jerking off leads to the liver delivered.

[Pete Holmes]

Worth it.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So, okay, so you got your fat cells at five.

[Jay Pharoah]

Fat cells at five.

[Pete Holmes]

You started eating.

[Jay Pharoah]

Your aunties started eating my auntie's chicken and everything. And. And the New York food. Oh my God, the Chinese food. Oh, man, we had for lunch every day. I used to eat like these. We had fried shrimp and pork fried rice. Yeah. Oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Right.

[Jay Pharoah]

So good. Yeah, it was so. It was so. I had never. My mother didn't. She wasn't giving us all of that. Yeah. So when I got up there, I just went and had. You know what I mean? Literally, I had ham as well.

[Pete Holmes]

And it literally went. Ham.

[Jay Pharoah]

Really, really went. Really. Turned into ham. Turned into a whole fat ass. Ham came back. I was taking a shower. I used to take showers. Of course you gotta take showers. But when I would take showers before I left in New York, the water would go straight down my back. When I came back, I kept wondering why the floor was getting wet. And it was shooting all. I looked back, back, and it was shooting off like a mall fountain. You know what I'm saying? Like it was shooting off.

[Pete Holmes]

You were cascading.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes, you were.

[Pete Holmes]

You were like a Mr. Peanut shaped boy.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And it would slide and. And slalom off your.

[Jay Pharoah]

Off your badonkadonk, my donkey. And then you noticed you were getting.

[Pete Holmes]

Fat cuz the shower.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yep. The water was. It wasn't going straight down anymore. I was like, this is new. This ain't. Wow. It wasn't like this before. What happened? I looked back, pass was like, how you doing? I was like, ah, shit, shit, shit, shit. And I had that problem I had. This is so. This is so going back to this. This is a big, big insecurity. I was fucked with. Yo. They used to pick on me. Yay, big butt. They would call me all of that, you know. You know, fatso. Or as my grandmother likes to put it, husky. You know that? Yeah, husky doesn't help. I'm not. What am I? Dog?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Oh, you're husky. That's a nice way of saying you're fat as. That's all it is. Husky. That's all husky. A husky kid section.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Get the whole section. Thick, thick, thick.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we were taking it thick back.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes, we're taking thick and honestly.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you were thick. It was okay.

[Jay Pharoah]

I had a. I was built like my aunt. It was crazy. I was built.

[Pete Holmes]

And then what did you do to, like, the. If I was describing you to somebody, I'd be like, you know, he's a.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's a lowercase L. Just a lowercase L. Yeah, just. Yeah, yeah, just. Yeah, there we go.

[Pete Holmes]

No, not in a bad way. But you're not a badonkadon.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, no. Now I'm a.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a line.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, I'm a line. Now I'm a lion. I actually was big from 6 to 17, so I was. Whoa. I was picked on from. I was picked on from. Yeah, from five. Got bullied. And then I. I was from six to. Damn. Yeah. Until I was 17.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a long time.

[Jay Pharoah]

It was a long time to be bullied.

[Pete Holmes]

And then, like, there were good.

[Jay Pharoah]

There were good times, too.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, five years later, you were on snl, though.

[Jay Pharoah]

Five years later, I was on snl. You. You. Indian River. I'm playing. That's more in high school. No, no, I love them. It's just the kids. The. You know, 05 y'. All. Oh, one to.05. A lot of y'. All. I don't. You know, I didn't. With you don't try to do no guest list. No guest. No guest list.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't do that.

[Jay Pharoah]

All right, see, I' see you on this camera. I'm on this. I got you. Okay, so. Okay, so I lost 75 pounds in three and a half months my senior year and graduated with honors. It was. I don't know. I went from a.

[Pete Holmes]

What did you do?

[Jay Pharoah]

2.45 to a 3.06 in a year. I ran on a treadmill every day, 10 minutes, level six. And I ate nothing but a small plate of barbecue and salad with some oil, some lemon juice, and some salt. And if I. I had my fat cravings, I would chew the food up and spit it out. And I did that for three and a half, four months, and I lost 75 fucking pounds. Well, nobody know who knew who the fuck I was at graduation. But. But.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but that does sound. It doesn't sound like the healthiest thing in the world. It was driven by fear. You're chewing things and spitting them out.

[Jay Pharoah]

It was.

[Pete Holmes]

But.

[Jay Pharoah]

But, Pete, honestly, man, at that point in my life, I went through depression. I was depressed from, like, 12 to 12. To probably 12 to 17 when I lost, like, five years. Yeah. I was depressed for five years. So I looked in the mirror and I said, dude, I was plot. I was plotting. I was contemplating suicide. And I said, if I don't change this, I'm going to hurt myself. And I have to get rid of this because this is causing so much. It's causing so much sadness in my life.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

I was never the confidence.

[Pete Holmes]

So you had, like, a break. Yeah, it felt like I can't live with myself anymore. Like this.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. I can't. I can't do this anymore. And I don't. And I don't want to graduate with a average diploma, so I have to get honors. I just. Fuck, man. I won a Rotary. There's a Chesapeake Rotary Scholarship for the most improved GPA in Chesapeake. It was really. It's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Which came first? Like, it's interesting when I think about, like, exercise or eating right, it's something. There has to be, like, a mental shift first. You know what I mean? Do you remember what helped you get that shift?

[Jay Pharoah]

I.

[Pete Holmes]

It sounds like maybe you already gave me the answer. It was, like desperation.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's what it was. Yeah, it was. It was do or die, yo. It was literally do or die. I mean, I had. I'd started stand up. I had started theater when I was eight years old, too. Theater kid. So that never helps your. Never helps your. Your social setting in school, because everybody thinks theater kids are weird. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

A little weird.

[Pete Holmes]

With their fifes.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. With the. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like going around.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Bowling and their flutes and their accordions and things and.

[Pete Holmes]

But I don't understand. Then they become the people that everybody in our culture worships.

[Jay Pharoah]

Isn't that crazy?

[Pete Holmes]

It's like Al Pacino in high school was a dork. You know what I mean?

[Jay Pharoah]

I didn't even know that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm just making. If you were a theater guy, you probably weren't considered cool. Like, the jocks were cool.

[Jay Pharoah]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And little Al Pacino.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yep. But then it's liquid death. It's. It's real. Water's killing me. See, it's not supposed. It's not. It's not natural water supposed to hydrate you this. Every time I take a sip, it pulls it out. If he pulls it out. I mean, it's like, go back to the.

[Pete Holmes]

Go back to the fence. It is on the can.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. I'm saying that to be or not.

[Pete Holmes]

To be some Hamlet just because I'm. I'm so. Your story is inspiring, and I'm I'm so glad.

[Jay Pharoah]

I.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm not glad for all of it. It's heartbreaking to think of a little boy, a little guy breaking like that.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm glad you went that way instead of that way.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And got things together. And that's really beautiful. I do. Just because we're almost out of time, as Katie gave us that thing. Where are you with Faith now? And by the way, we ask this to everybody. It's not just because we talked about church earlier.

[Jay Pharoah]

This is now. I feel like I'm getting back to. Getting back to where I was right before I got depressed. And that's when it was the strongest. You know, I am. I'm cleaning up. I am not cleaning up my life. Like, you know, I'm not. I don't drink as much anymore. I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Was that a advice?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, I think. Yeah. Well, that would. That came. That came in my 20s. Just coping with a lot of. You know what I mean? Just. Just having a sip of your drink or whatever. But.

[Pete Holmes]

But also a lot got dumped on you. So I'm not saying no. I am saying it's understandable. A lot of comedians, a lot of people in these lifestyles absolutely need to shut off and they don't know how to.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So you started drinking a little bit.

[Jay Pharoah]

I started drinking. You know, me and my. You know, me and my. My ex girlfriend, we would celebrate whatever. A. She had a kid, too. I was kind of a stepdad at 22 to 26. There was. And being on SNL and the pressure of that. There's a lot of that going on. And then the whole diversity thing that happened that I almost got clipped for that. That caused. Even though that was the best year I had, 13 to 14 was the best year on SNL. I feel like I had. There's so much good stuff that year. And then the show, the exit from the show and all of that. And then White Fame is getting canceled after one season when it premiered.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not right.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, it was fair, dude. You know, it's like it premiered the day after my birthday and the day after Christmas, they took it away. It was. Oh, the day before Christmas. It was one of them days. I just know my lips are going again.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. That was just me.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay, cool.

[Pete Holmes]

I have never signaled you once.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay. I'm just really self conscious. I understand.

[Pete Holmes]

I have zero. You're very in tune.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not signaling you.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay, cool, cool, cool. But that's why, man, a lot of that came from that not. And by the time I realized it, how much I had done it was the pandemic, it was 2020. Wow. Because I am so used to just sound like Robert Downey, you know, I'm so used to powering all the way through everything, just saying it. Fuck it, bro. Everything's cool. I'm just gonna run through it. Nothing's gonna be, everything's fine. And I don't deal with things. And when you don't do that, you drink. Well, me, I was drinking, you know, and you know, when you're on the road, you're doing, doing amazing, you're killing on stage, people are giving stand ovations, you know, you're getting pussy, whatever. You just. It's like, okay, this is life. And you don't have time to look at the failures or the, the mishaps or the things that you need improvement. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you don't want to.

[Jay Pharoah]

You don't want to. Yeah. Yeah. And So I remember 2020 is just when I really. When I got to just stop and I. And I went home and I just want my mom. And I just hugged and I started crying, man, because I was like, yo, I thought a lot of. I've been dealing with and I'll finally have a chance to think about everything that's happened, has even went through. Dude. Even when I got the call, the call about snl, the end of it and everything, even when I got the call, everything was going because they hadn't renewed my contract and I had got white. I had just got white famous and had just asked them if they, they were asking if I could come in the first week and all of that and still work, you know. She was like, yeah, okay, so I'll do double jobs. And then it's like, oh, no, you go ahead and do that. And I'm like, well, okay, fuck it. And then I got the producer call in. She's like, you know, she's tearful, she's teary eyed. I'm like, listen, listen, just tell me how y' all gonna do this. I'm thinking, I'm not, I'm not dealing with the emotional aspect. I'm dealing with the business part of it. And you can't do that. You have to. You gotta give yourself time to deal with the emotional part of anything. Because if not, it's this corrosive, this corrosive growth inside of you that just keeps expanding into this black hole. Yeah. And hopefully you can align yourself before it's too late and you'll have anything left. Left.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

Like, I'm glad I got a chance to sit down and realize what the fuck was going on, you know, because I didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

And your faith played into that.

[Jay Pharoah]

Definitely. Yeah. And then. And now it's. Like I said, it's getting. Now it's. I'm aligning my. I'm aligning my life. You know, I used to be out here on these streets, crazy. Not doing that anymore. You know, you still got people, prospects. I'm looking for somebody to chill with. And I think that's all a part of me wanting to. A relationship, relationship, relationship and drawing closer to God because, you know, it ain't. It ain't right. You're out here just doing, Just doing whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

You're not supposed to do that, you know, and it doesn't sit right with people who do have a spiritual. A spiritual background.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. There, There is a. Obviously you can be spiritual and not married and not have kids.

[Jay Pharoah]

For sure. Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

But there's a. I, I'm with you. That there's a corollary to. To me, spirituality is about self sacrifice. It's about not taking yourself too seriously and not being the center of the program. So when I can serve my wife and my daughter, that feels good. The same as serving God or serving a higher purpose. They are the manifestation of God in my life. So, like making. I've said this before, but making my daughter lunch or something, I feel like I'm making lunch for. You know, I'm not saying my daughter's God. I'm just saying there's a loving gesture.

[Jay Pharoah]

I get you.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a cleanness to it. And she doesn't even, even always thank me, you know what I mean? Because I'm not doing it for that. And that's a great feeling.

[Jay Pharoah]

And it's.

[Pete Holmes]

And you can get the same thing.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. It's love. And God is love. So that's what. That's. Right. Feeling that you get that satis. Satisfaction, that gratification that you get from. From just. You just. It feels good. It's, it's, it's. It comes from. It comes from above.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Jay Pharoah]

And yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's something about our business where we trot our personalities out as our job and then you're rewarded for it. And I'm not. I wouldn't say it's dangerous, but it's good to counterbalance it with something that's like. Yeah, but what's the big picture? You and I happen to be alive in a time when, like, what we do is valued, but we can't take our value just from that fact. There has to be something deeper. I say to myself every day I go, God loves me exactly the way I am, and I find great comfort in that. But because it can't just be, I am loved because I'm popular or because I got a standing ovation or because I got a deal or because I'm hanging out with Jay or whatever it is. Because that stuff is.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Gone. I mean, it's gone tomorrow. Yeah, exactly. So we have to have something. And do you have that you still. Obviously. It sounds like you believe in God.

[Jay Pharoah]

Absolutely. And. And, I mean, my family is still. My family is still there to remind me, and I definitely draw close to them because they're the. I feel like they're the closest. My sister, my mother, and my father, and my grandmother are the four closest people to God that I know. And when anything I feel is off, I always call and I'll be like, are y' all good? And it could be something going on with me that I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

But they'll pull it out of you.

[Jay Pharoah]

But they'll pull it out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but you knew. You had the instinct to come call him.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Azhar Usman is a very funny comedian. He's. He's a Muslim. He told me a prayer that I love. He goes, God give me the faith of old women. And I was like, I love that.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's strong.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? That's when you mention your grandmother and all that sort of. I'm like, does it get any cleaner?

[Jay Pharoah]

No. That's how I always tell her to pray for me. Cuz I'm like, if you pray, I know it's going to go up there.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Jay Pharoah]

If other people pray, I knew it. You know, be like, call my best friend, one of them. Hey, man, pray. Yeah, yeah. All right. And be like, man, that ain't going nowhere. He out here in these streets.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me. How much time? What time is it? Because unfortunately, I have to go.

[Jay Pharoah]

God dang it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, shit.

[Jay Pharoah]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

Nope. We'll go a little. I just want to get the questions. I ask everybody out.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

You've been a dream guest. I'm so happy we got to do this time together.

[Jay Pharoah]

Me, too, man. Yo, Pete, there's. I don't know if you feel this, dude, but there's something. I feel you. Your characters and my character. I feel like there's a world.

[Pete Holmes]

Kenny, I couldn't keep up with you. I mean, I'm honored. If this is going where I think it's going, I'm like, that's a very big planet for me to be the satellite going.

[Jay Pharoah]

I can do Al Pacino. Like, even past. No, not even just the voice. I'm talking about just your character, bro. Like, the shit that you would just.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thanks, man.

[Jay Pharoah]

Like, the fucking. The dude in the back of the chair. Church with the hurt, like, bruh, I could. I could see that. I can see you in the back of the church. I can see me as the reverend. Yeah, I can see all it. I can see that, bro. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We gotta figure it out.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, definitely.

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, there might be something coming up. We got. Man, shooting stuff is so expensive.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We've been trying to do these new Batman videos and.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, yeah, you did. Yo, them shits are funny. Yo.

[Pete Holmes]

Yo, dude, we never financed them ourselves. This is boring. It's almost over, though. And, like, we're like, okay, we're just gonna front the money ourselves. It is prohibitively expensive. Like, by the time you get the budget and it's 20,000 more than you thought it would be.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that was a stretch. You're, like, to sit around and off and make some YouTube videos, and it's like, that's it. And you're like, geez. But if that goes forward, there. There's something for us to do.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

For real, if you would.

[Jay Pharoah]

If you would do it, I would love to. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

All right.

[Jay Pharoah]

Well. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I got the Joker as well. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, you. Really? Yeah. Oh, I used to do the Joker. I'm not even gonna try.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, please. I want to hear it. Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like a dog chasing a car. I wouldn't know what to do if I got it.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's. That's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to know how I got these cars? Yeah, that's it. See you. You honing?

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, my father. I hate. I hated my father. Look at me. Look at me.

[Pete Holmes]

That's it.

[Jay Pharoah]

You see?

[Pete Holmes]

This is what Batman has done to Gotham. Nothing to do with all your power.

[Jay Pharoah]

Nothing to do with all your strength. You've got nothing on me.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna tell you where they both are. One dad.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you want to know which of them are cowards, man? I.

[Jay Pharoah]

So. I know your friends more than you do, dad. Would you like to know which one of them are cowards?

[Pete Holmes]

See, you went low with it, which is what it was. That's what it was. Cowards.

[Jay Pharoah]

This is. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

Dope that's great.

[Jay Pharoah]

Come on. That's great, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Katie, when I'm on my deathbed, just send clips of Jay being like, that was good.

[Jay Pharoah]

The.

[Pete Holmes]

My ekg, start pulling things off.

[Jay Pharoah]

He's alive.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, here are the questions. Have you ever almost died?

[Jay Pharoah]

Have I ever almost died? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I guess so. Sort of.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't have to be like, a helicopter blade almost took your head off. But tell me what you thought.

[Jay Pharoah]

Well, when I got wrongfully detained by the LAPD in 2020.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. I don't mean to be excited, but I was hoping you would mention this, because it seems.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, you should get out there. That's real. Like, I had that app told me to walk through that situation, like, two blocks before those cops. The app told me to walk.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what app?

[Jay Pharoah]

I had an app called the Run, called the Run Tracker app. And it's haunting because it doesn't work. It hasn't worked since that day. What is this app? It's an app that clocks your progress and keeps you on a schedule of running.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay. Okay. So heart rate stuff. Yes.

[Jay Pharoah]

It tells you, like, walk. Right, right, right.

[Pete Holmes]

And you walked.

[Jay Pharoah]

And I. And I walked.

[Pete Holmes]

And you matched the description.

[Jay Pharoah]

I matched the description of. Of a black man. Which is what? Black man with sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Yeah. Which is any black man in America. That's real talk.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's a joke.

[Pete Holmes]

I have.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's fine.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it is. I thought it was a joke.

[Jay Pharoah]

No, but I mean, it's real.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But, yes, there's a serious side to this that I absolutely sound like I'm laughing.

[Jay Pharoah]

And I mean. No, and you can't, because we all have to. You have to find the pain and the punches, and I had to do that with that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yes. I thought you were saying every black man in America is wearing a black. I thought that was the bet. But what you're saying is that could have been anybody. That's the. That's the seriousness of it.

[Jay Pharoah]

Could have been any.

[Pete Holmes]

And you. That's why I'm saying you match description in quotes. And they. And the LAPD was incredibly rough with you.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. I mean, they, you know. Well, I've seen them do worse, but it's, you know, an innocent person. You. You putting them in handcuffs and putting your knee on them. And on the knee on the bottom of the neck and all. It's just. It's really. It's really scary. Especially, you know, now. I'm sheltered. I was sheltered, bro. Like, and that. The. The first time I felt racism Was in Montreal the year before. And then that happened right there. That happened 2020. And those. Like I told you, the app told me to slow down. I've said slow down, walk. And I'm convinced that was God talking to me. Because those couple of blocks when I got over there and the helicopter flew over my head, I didn't know what the hell was happening and I couldn't hear. I got my Bose headphones on, bro. You know what I'm saying? I got the noise canceling, I can't hear anything. I saw, I turned and happened to see the cop with his gun out say freeze and get on the ground. If I hadn't seen that man through that situation, God forbid.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

And, and, and then, dude, when I was on the ground, the app goes, run.

[Pete Holmes]

That is dark poetry, right?

[Jay Pharoah]

That's dark poetry. The app said run. If I wouldn't have heard him and I would have kept going through that situation, I would have started. And I started running.

[Pete Holmes]

Started running. I didn't even run together. Yeah, man, I thought the dark poetry. Cuz you were in danger. So it's like run. Even the app is like, I don't know about this, but what you're saying is if you listen to this app out and started running, you would have looked. Obviously that is not caused to shoot anybody.

[Jay Pharoah]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

But unfortunately in this day and age we've seen less.

[Jay Pharoah]

Right? If I hadn't seen that cop and I would have kept my head straight and he was yelling at me, hey, stop. Freeze, freeze. And then the app would have been like, run, dude. And I would have started this man probably would have shot me and I wouldn't have been here today. So. Well, maybe I would have survived. Maybe I would have had a 50 cent story or some, I don't know, or a game store.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you in Jamaica?

[Jay Pharoah]

Huh?

[Pete Holmes]

Jamaica.

[Jay Pharoah]

Jamaica, Queens. Yes. Yes. This happened, right? The south side, Southside is the do or die. That's what he says. They think I'm grimy, I'm greasy, but I'm making 187 look easy. That's what I do. You know, Pete, it. It's so crazy because it's crazy because it's like, it's like when you put in that situation and. And you're somebody who like is used to being from the burbs and not the hood. It's. That was it.

[Pete Holmes]

We just landed right in the center of the bullseye.

[Jay Pharoah]

Uh huh. The hood. Yeah. Huh. Because you know, and you're from the burbs and that happens to you. You know, you start looking at, you know, the white folks around you a little differently. You like, yo, yeah, I thought you was cool, you know. Yeah. But, you know, because, you know, where I'm from, you know, y' all was. Everybody was cool from the birds, you know, whites is blacks. Everybody's making Barack Obamas and Mariah Carey's up in here. Nobody cares. You know? You feel me?

[Pete Holmes]

So the impression is so good. I'm filled with delight and also deep concern.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's why. That's. And that's why I threw it. That's why I started. Because it is a dark. It's something dark to talk about.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm. I'm sharing in the gratitude that that didn't go another way.

[Jay Pharoah]

Me too, man.

[Pete Holmes]

That is.

[Jay Pharoah]

Is. That feels a seven month, dude. A. A premature baby. Seven months that came out that wasn't supposed to survive and. And grew to be six foot two. And this at six years old. People were bullying him and calling him Jared the Parrot. He somehow took that, flipped it. He used to call me Jared the Parrot, and it wasn't even because I could do impressions because it rhymed with my name. Wow. Jared Parrot. I was like, come on, man. The fuck? Well, at least it's not Jared Fogel. But, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, went another way.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, it went another way with it. So. But from.

[Pete Holmes]

My name was Biter Shaft. I just want to join in because apparently I give blow jobs, but I bite. I don't know.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, man.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't even get it.

[Jay Pharoah]

You. You bite the. Oh, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Biter Shaft. Oh, I think I bite shafts.

[Jay Pharoah]

You Biter Shaft.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a biter Shaft.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, man, that's. Oh, that's sharp. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

We're back to Bill Burr.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, it's Butter Shaft. It's. It's sharp. The fuck you need veneers. It's me jumper. Why you see, why do you keep saying that?

[Pete Holmes]

And can you tell me?

[Jay Pharoah]

I'm sorry. Let me wrap that up. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. Going from that. That kid who didn't. Who got bullied, he learned how to overcome his shit to losing weight to. To fucking the. The cop shit. There's a story that I'm supposed to tell, and obviously I'm here to still tell it. It has not been told yet. Well, maybe it started to be told and I'm just in it and I don't realize it, but I. I feel like I have a message that I'm supposed to leave. I have a big message. I'm gonna Leave with this world. And even more, I'm gonna keep leaving, leaving words of wisdom, whatever. And I'm supposed to help people in some way and then making them forget about their shit, you know? And I'm gonna do that. It's my mission.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jay Pharoah]

That's my. That's my mission. That's what I'm supposed to do. Chappelle. Absolutely. That's my mission.

[Pete Holmes]

This is now Chevelle.

[Jay Pharoah]

This is now, Chappelle, Because. Because you ruin my life.

[Pete Holmes]

That.

[Jay Pharoah]

But I do drink now because you ruin my life. That's it. Am I canceled or am I not canceled? That's the question. Let me know. Wow. And then when you tell me that I'm canceled, I'll say, suck my dick.

[Pete Holmes]

That is. That was it. And you even invoked, like you had the intensity. I was sort of like, oh, man. There was like an intensity to it. That was great.

[Jay Pharoah]

Great.

[Pete Holmes]

That I feel when I watch him, too. That was great.

[Jay Pharoah]

Wow. Hey, man, can you.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the last question. Okay.

[Jay Pharoah]

Did you get all of them? I want to make sure. I got add. It's not diagnosed because my mother didn't let this. I got a black mom. She didn't let the system do it. But go ahead. I mean, say it. Say it. I want. Say. Say it. Say it. I want you to say it. Say. Riddling. Say. And everybody was like. All the white people like, no, your dad's.

[Pete Holmes]

Your dad's taking his pants off. You're gonna see the jingle jangle. I'm coming at you like Fat Ryan.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a. I'm a medical doctor.

[Jay Pharoah]

You're. You're Fat Ryan now.

[Pete Holmes]

His own dick. Look, who hasn't been slapped by their own dick while jogging?

[Jay Pharoah]

I get slapped. I mean, when I run, the whole room get dark.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That's Bernie. That's Bernie Mac. That's Bernie Mac. I take it out.

[Jay Pharoah]

The whole room got dark when I pulled this. Look, I'm. I'm hung low. I'm heavy structured. I'm blessed. You know, if I'm blessed. He said, I'm blessed, you know, can't do no more. And I'm blessed. I'm hung low. I'm heavy structure. I pull my out. This whole room get black K.

[Pete Holmes]

Chills. This is one of my favorite sets of all time. And you brought me back to it, dude. I watch that when I'm feeling. Feeling disillusioned about stand up.

[Jay Pharoah]

And I'm like, really?

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, oh, don't forget. Don't forget it can Be incredible sometimes. Can you tell me the time in your life you laughed so hard you were crying and you hurt? Tell me.

[Jay Pharoah]

It's happened multiple times.

[Pete Holmes]

It happened on this podcast.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yes, we laughed today. What. What the. You did the. Oh, yes. Sprinkle Sprinkler. The oscillating sprinkler. That's it. But I'm. It's happened. I love. I love laughing because, you know, my. My parents are. My dad is the funniest. One of the funniest human beings. My mother's one of the funniest people in the world. My dad, though, is. He's like. He will have you falling out your chair, crying, laughing. Wow. And I'm telling you, you the. That he says is so obscure and off, but it's. It makes perfect sense. And. Okay, so this will happen and we would just watch. This is just him watching somebody. Sometimes he predicts the future. It's so crazy. And if it happens perfectly in front of your eyes, you're just like. You were right. And it's so funny. Okay, we're at the church convention. Bring it right back to church. What a call back, right? To church. Church convention, right. All right. Me and my dad were upstairs in the hotel room, right? He tells me. But what we're watching downstairs, we see this little fat kid named. His name is Bernard. He's, you know, he's a little. He's sister Maxine's son. Oh, man, I don't know how. I don't know how he looks now, but okay, he's Bernard.

[Pete Holmes]

Bernard used to be.

[Jay Pharoah]

Bernard was a little chunky boy tank. And he's. So he. The fountain is right beside him, right? And the rail is right here. He's sliding. He's sliding down the rail like he's Tony Hawk. That's when, like, pro skater was hot. Whatever. He. He keeps sliding down the hall. My dad is watching. My dad says, this Pete B. He goes, that little going to mess up. He said, little gonna mess up unsupervised. He said, you watch, he gonna mess up. And he kept saying that. And I was like, what do you mean he ain't gonna. He ain't gonna mess up. He gonna mess up. Watch, watch. He gonna. It was ominous as right. Bernard. Bernard's gonna. Up.

[Pete Holmes]

Bernard's gonna mess up.

[Jay Pharoah]

He goes. My dad tells me it's getting late now. He's like, go get your sister. Go tell her to come up. It's time. It's time to go to sleep or whatever. We gotta go to church in the Morning. I said, okay, I'm going down in. Mind you, the elevator, you just got a clear view. Clear glass. You can see everything going down. Bernard's down here. This is.

[Pete Holmes]

This is it. It's coming. We got a soft boy on a skateboard. We got a. We got a truth telling.

[Jay Pharoah]

Dad, Bernard's right here. He's sliding down the pole again. Somehow he flips over the pole, and all you hear is, he fell in the fucking fountain. Yo, I had a. I had a front row seat.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you had, like a balcony seat.

[Jay Pharoah]

I was coming down. You had a moving balcony in the fucking water. Yo, I said, I come. Yo, I looked upstairs. My dad was on the balcony like this. I could tell he was laughing. I go downstairs. I go downstairs to get my sister. But I walk past Bernard and I'm looking at him. He just gets up, he goes. He starts crying. I'm laughing my ass off. The lady that's trying to help him, she's like, it's not funny. I said, you right. It's funny as fuck, yo.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, not all bad. Bernard got like, 75 cents and change.

[Jay Pharoah]

He did.

[Pete Holmes]

Picking it up on his way out. No, he's a win here. There's a win.

[Jay Pharoah]

He had $2.74 in change. Somehow he's bigger. Understand that you can carry.

[Pete Holmes]

His pockets are giant.

[Jay Pharoah]

His pockets are big. You know, they're really heavy. You know, they're like, really?

[Pete Holmes]

And the fountain was you as a child, but thick with the water cascading off your butt.

[Jay Pharoah]

So I get my sister. I tell her, I say, yo. Dad did say, yo, Shady. Did you just see what happened? She was. She was like, yo. She was like. I was watching. I was kind of watching him. She said, did he fall in the water? I said, he fell in the water. She. I go upstairs, I go back in the elevator. Bernard's trying to wipe himself off and shit, right? His mom, at this point, she's downstairs. She gets him. I go back up to the room. My dad looks at me, he's laughing like this. He go, I told you that little nigga was gonna mess up a supervisor. And he's on the floor, kicking his feet, laughing.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Jay Pharoah]

That may. Oh, my gosh. I died.

[Pete Holmes]

God bless you, Bernard, wherever you are.

[Jay Pharoah]

Bless you. But that was so. You. You gotta laugh at this now, bro. You probably.

[Pete Holmes]

That's your gift, you know?

[Jay Pharoah]

He's gotta be like, 22 now or 23 or something, bro. It's you. You. You. You fell in the water. Jesus.

[Pete Holmes]

That was a great. That was A great one.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, I love this. What is it, dude? When is this coming out, bro?

[Pete Holmes]

I'll let you know. It might. It might be. Not this Wednesday, but maybe a week from Wednesday.

[Jay Pharoah]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Unless there's a time that's better for you.

[Jay Pharoah]

I mean, if you could put it up Wednesday, I would love it, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, they need time to edit it.

[Jay Pharoah]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

The cameras.

[Jay Pharoah]

All right, well, that's. This would be a good nugget, man. This is a good. When I say good nugget, I mean like a good. A good show that's like. Everything was just. Just fun, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

Buddy. You know, we've been doing how many episodes? 600.

[Jay Pharoah]

Jesus. Cr.

[Pete Holmes]

So there's like a certain point where you're like. You just pray for a J. Pharo. Let's. Let's just say for a jar. Thank you for answering my prayer.

[Jay Pharoah]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's pick somebody you haven't done to. Because we have the guest say, keep it crispy. That's how we end the only one, because I wrote down some of my favorites. You didn't do Kevin Hart. Hart. We end the show with the guest saying, keep it crispy. Would you say, keep it crispy as Kevin Hart?

[Jay Pharoah]

Absolutely, if you want me to. Whatever. Whatever you need.

[Pete Holmes]

All right.

[Jay Pharoah]

We've done some new ones today. I got. You got some new impressions up here. I've never done Robert Downey Jr.

[Pete Holmes]

So good. Thank you. It's ready to go. That was Iron Man 3, not Iron Man 2. That was real good.

[Jay Pharoah]

The current. It was the current. Yes, very current.

[Pete Holmes]

So Kevin Art saying, keep it crispy however you want.

[Jay Pharoah]

Listen, listen.

[Pete Holmes]

Love this guy.

[Jay Pharoah]

Love this guy. First of all, Pete, you're amazing. Gotta say that. Why do I have to say that? Because I have to give you your flowers. A lot of people, they don't give folks flowers. What we do is we thank flowers, and then by the time we're ready to give them, folks aren't here to receive them. So I'm gonna give you your flowers. You're absolutely amazing.

[Pete Holmes]

First of all.

[Jay Pharoah]

Hey, what's going on? This is Kevin Hart and just keeping it crispy. That's what it is. That's not what I'm supposed to say. What am I saying? That was it. That was it. Oh. Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

You did say. Just say keep it crispy. Okay.

[Jay Pharoah]

Ah. Listen. Sorry, gotta rewind. Bow, listen. It's Kevin Hart. Keep it crispy all day. That's wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that was it. Okay, cool.

[Jay Pharoah]

I'm making sure. Bam. I knew it was right. I was Just asking you. Cause I wanted to hear it. Cause I like to hear people.

[Pete Holmes]

People give me.

[Jay Pharoah]

What is it called? Love.

[Pete Holmes]

Swear to God. Flowers. Back at you, Jay.

[Jay Pharoah]

Thank you, brother.

[Pete Holmes]

That was good.

[Jay Pharoah]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Are your talent.

[Jay Pharoah]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

You're made a talent.

[Jay Pharoah]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. And charm and heart. Thank you for all of that.

[Jay Pharoah]

Thank you so much, y'.

[Pete Holmes]

All.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, thank you so much. Really appreciate being up here, y'. All. This is, you know, this is y'. All. It's. Yeah, it's definitely. It's just the. Lauren. Just the maker of, you know, creating television. You know, just Canada.

[Pete Holmes]

God. I was going to ask you to do Lauren, and then you did it, like, telepathically.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's. It's that thing where, you know, it's the. The end of the podcast, you know, keeping it, you know, keeping it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

And I thought for a second it was Alan Rickman.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. Alan. Rick.

[Pete Holmes]

I created SNL again. Journey Mitchell.

[Jay Pharoah]

You know, I thought you would. You know why? When you said Alan, you said Alan Rickman, I thought you meant. I thought you meant Alan. What's the other Alan? Alan Alder, kind of. And then I can't do Alan Alder as good as Hater, but I can do. It's. It's almost like I'm doing Howard Stern. Because Howard Stern has that thing where he's like.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Jay Pharoah]

Yeah. He just. He has this thing in the back of his throat. He talks and he's just like, wow, are those breasts or those. Those. Those. Those bee stings or water balloons? Yeah, I thought those were water balloons. Yeah. Like, come over here, sweetheart. Come over here.

[Pete Holmes]

So creepy. So creepy.

[Jay Pharoah]

Shout out to him. He's a cool. He's a nice dude, I believe. Why did I do that face, man? I didn't do that. All right, there we go. All right, we're out.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you, Jay.

[Jay Pharoah]

Thank you. It.