Summary6 min read

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes — Kat Bird

Release Date: August 12, 2026
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Kat Bird

Episode Overview

In this lighthearted and candid episode, Pete Holmes sits down with comedian and former chef Kat Bird. The two dive into Kat's unique journey from the grueling kitchens of Michelin-star restaurants to the world of stand-up comedy, riffing on everything from culinary hierarchies and trauma in the comedy scene to vulnerable moments, the nature of kindness, and their shared "outsider" perspectives. The episode is filled with quick-witted banter, personal anecdotes, and insights on creativity, resilience, and finding humor (and connection) in failure.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Secret Weirdness & Kat's Origin Story

[03:03 - 04:32]

Pete introduces Kat as an up-and-coming comic and reveals her background in the restaurant industry and association with big-name comics.
Discussion begins with riffing on brands like Nestlé and their presence in Ghana, leading to a playful tone and recurring culinary metaphors.

2. Comedy, Vulnerability, and ‘Bad PR’ for Bodies

[04:32 - 07:10]

The conversation segues into societal expectations for women’s bodies, breastfeeding, and how personal experience finds its way into Kat’s stand-up.
Pete reflects on the comedic value of ignorance and moments when jokes come from honest mistakes.

3. Food, Veganism, & Cultural Observations

[05:46 - 07:59]

Playful, escalating riffs about veganism, food preferences, and what it’s like being raised vegan (“You get twenty-five to sixty times a day to tell people!” – Pete, [06:53]).
Unexpected sidebar: what would it be like if food items were named more literally, like “fried ovum”?

4. Being a Fan (or Not)

[09:01 - 13:09]

Kat reminisces about seeing rapper Mac Miller live (“It’s the apple kiss. We call that a home base.” – Pete, [10:08]).
Both discuss how hard it is for them to be “good fans” of anything, marveling at the dedication of superfans.

5. Ignorance, Accents, and Bit Creation

[14:05 - 19:38]

Kat tells a story about misreading “Don’t be lewd” at a Korean spa, believing it was an “L/R” linguistic swap—turning an honest mistake into a potential new bit.
Pete encourages her to “open with that tonight,” emphasizing the comedy in self-deprecating vulnerability.

6. Global Adventures: Ghana, Semester at Sea

[20:14 - 25:32]

Kat shares her travel to Ghana and Semester at Sea program, including thoughts about currency, bedbugs, and cultural differences.
Pete and Kat riff on country names, African geography, and the feeling of being outsiders in foreign places.

7. Tourism, Gentrification, and Respect for Place

[32:34 - 37:30]

Both reflect on the conflicted feelings of tourism in places like Hawaii and Ojai. Pete shares his bit about how out-of-place he feels in Hawaii, and the conversation expands into how places change with influxes of visitors (“I have to have you. It’s like, rough anyway.” – Pete, [34:27]).
They joke about Macarena-white-people-dancing as the inverse of local luau performances.

8. The Internet & the End of Getting Lost

[37:36 - 39:02]

They lament that the age of true adventure and getting lost is over due to GPS and the internet (“Blair Witch wouldn’t happen—there’d be Starlink!” – Kat, [37:54]).

9. Comedians as Condiments & Personality Types

[39:32 - 47:12]

A playful segment imagining what condiment various celebrities or comics would be (e.g., James Corden as Heinz ketchup, David Letterman as yellow mustard, Kimmel as Sriracha mayo: “[Kimmel] is sriracha mayo. We’re figuring it out.” – Pete, [47:02]).

10. Kat’s Chef Life: Grit, Hazing & Kitchen Culture

[47:28 - 93:43]

Kat recounts her entry into the world of fine dining in Bath, UK: from dishwasher to appetizers, detailing the intense hierarchy and relentless, sometimes cruel, environment.
Pete and Kat reflect on kitchen hazing, the peculiar subculture of professional kitchens, and trauma as a unifying force (“I think it's awesome. It's humbling.” – Kat, [65:33]).

11. Stand-Up Comedy as Survival

[55:22 - 67:17]

A masterclass-style discussion on the mechanics of stand-up: surviving bombed sets, the importance of failure, resilience, and finding connection with audiences.
Insights on process: “If you can find the humor in the joke not working, then there’s something happening that’s a shared experience.” – Pete, [54:58]

12. The Comedy Store: Door Guys, Auditions & Initiation

[76:31 - 85:14]

Kat breaks down the process of becoming a regular at The Comedy Store, from doing door shifts to the high-pressure “three-minute” auditions for the booker. She shares a hilarious story about an audition gone silent except for her “tooth” act-out.
Discussion of camaraderie, trauma bonding, and necessary “rites of passage” in both kitchens and comedy.

13. Kat’s Defining Chef Story: The Venison Heist

[109:08 - 118:28]

Kat shares her climactic final act as a chef: After enduring relentless bullying, she quits in spectacular fashion by “stealing” 300 portions of venison (meant for the Prince of Dubai) and distributing them to unhoused people in a London park.
“I take all of his mise en place, all the venison—like 300 pieces, legitimately. The prince for the prince... I just give it away, and then I never come back.” – Kat, [117:08]

14. On Kindness and Meaning

[119:17 - End]

Pete asks Kat for her “meaning of life”—“Kindness,” she says, quoting the Dalai Lama.
Pete and Kat reflect earnestly on being nice people, inspiration, and how trauma, kindness, and resilience inform their outlook and work.

Notable Quotes & Moments

On fandom:
“I don’t have the stamina for fanship.” – Kat Bird, [12:38]
On kitchen culture:
“It’s a selfless energy that you give, and I think that’s relentless...and thankless.” – Kat Bird, [98:31]
On why comedians/chefs are misfits:
“I think it’s...cuz you don’t want to be front of house, sitting waiters, and then the idiots eating. You want to be the secret show.” – Pete Holmes, [98:09]
On trauma as bonding:
“If I’m being honest, I prefer my people traumatized.” – Pete Holmes, [70:51]
On failure and humility:
“It’s a craft that requires constant nurturing, loving, and finding...You’re never invincible.” – Kat Bird, [65:16]
On Kat’s venison act of rebellion:
“I get all the meat. I get all my knives, all my supplies. I wrap it up...I start giving away the meat to...homeless people...then I never come back.” – Kat Bird, [117:08]
On meaning and kindness:
“Dalai Lama. The meaning of life or his religion is kindness.” – Pete Holmes, [119:27]
“That is it. Yeah, that is it.” – Kat Bird, [119:32]
Meta-moment:
“Would you say ‘keep it crispy’? It’s just how we end.” – Pete Holmes, [123:00]
“Oh, keep it crispy.” – Kat Bird, [123:01]

Timestamps for Standout Segments

01:35 – 02:47: Banter about sponsors turns into riff on water brands & Nestlé’s global reach.
04:32 – 05:00: Boobs, PR, and the realities of breastfeeding.
14:05 – 17:45: Kat’s “Don’t be lewd” Korean spa bit and Pete’s encouragement to develop it.
20:52 – 25:05: Semester at Sea stories and colorfully described travel woes.
47:28 – 54:58: Culinary hierarchies, bullying, and how trauma forges deeper creative work.
76:31 – 82:57: The Comedy Store door guy process and Kat’s first (bombed) audition.
109:08 – 118:16: Kat’s “venison heist”—the chef world’s daring act of rebellion.
119:17 – 120:29: Closing thoughts on kindness and meaning.

Summary

This episode is a funny, self-aware, and at times profound exploration of weirdness, resilience, and the difficulties of standing out (or just surviving) as both a chef and a comic. Listeners are treated to riffs on food, fandom, trauma, and the mysterious, shared drive to perform—plus a movie-worthy story of venison liberation. Kat Bird proves herself both “the secret show” and a rising name to watch, while Pete Holmes offers support, perspective, and plenty of classic, weird energy.

Key Takeaway: Vulnerability, shared hardship, and kindness shine through the chaos—both on stage and behind the kitchen door.

“Keep it crispy.”

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Transcript1,766 lines

[00:02]
Cat Bird
Lemonade.
[00:18]
Pete Holmes
You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is my conversation with the incredible cat bird who is so, so, so funny and a true delight. And I'm so glad you're here. I met Kat. She was co hosting Bobby Lee's podcast. She opens for Bobby, she opens for Marin, she opens for Santino. Eliza, she's incredible and I know if you haven't heard of her, you are going to and you're about to. And I'm so glad you're here. Not much to plug up top because I really love this conversation and I want to get into it as quick as possible. Especially spells to cast on your parents. My first ever kids book is available. Whoever books are sold, you can also go to peteholmes.com for my tour dates. Coming up is Portland, Maine, which is almost sold out. I hope you can be there, my east coast weirdos. Verona, New York, Vancouver, San Luis Obispo, Madison, Wisconsin where we added a late Thursday and I'm filming my new hour special there followed by Seattle, Portland City, San Diego and Phoenix. All of Those are on peteholmes.com and be sure to check out Catbirds pod which is called Catbird pod. And also check out Catbird on this pod which you're doing right now and I'm so glad you are. Enjoy and get into it.
[01:36]
Cat Bird
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[01:42]
Pete Holmes
Like all the way.
[01:46]
Cat Bird
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[01:59]
Pete Holmes
Switch to Shopify.
[02:01]
Cat Bird
Start your free trial today.
[02:04]
Pete Holmes
I wrote a little song to remind you. Choice hotels get you more of the experiences you value. The Cambria Hotel's got it all. A rooftop bar. Have a ball cocktail up here. Feel just right, Ms. Cambria amazing. All right, bring a date, your teen or even your mom. Book direct@ChoiceHotels.com See you on the roof. There it is. This the sponsor?
[02:40]
Cat Bird
Oh my God.
[02:41]
Pete Holmes
And look, sprouts. Purified water as well.
[02:44]
Cat Bird
You don't really.
[02:45]
Pete Holmes
That's not spons.
[02:46]
Cat Bird
Oh, dang it. We just got.
[02:48]
Pete Holmes
No, We're. We're Nestle Water.
[02:49]
Cat Bird
We're Nestle Water.
[02:50]
Pete Holmes
We just want.
[02:51]
Cat Bird
I've heard good things about Nestle.
[02:53]
Pete Holmes
All the water.
[02:54]
Cat Bird
I hear they're great in Africa. They're great.
[02:56]
Pete Holmes
They're doing everything they do. The sweetness of the chocolate Sends. I actually am talking out of my ass. I just. I've heard that they're not so good.
[03:03]
Cat Bird
Yeah, I. I went to Ghana when I was a lot, like a very long time ago. And I just remember nestling because they've just like taken over Ghana.
[03:12]
Pete Holmes
What do you mean?
[03:13]
Cat Bird
Basically, there's a lot of cacao production in Ghana, so Nestle's taking it over.
[03:19]
Pete Holmes
Oh, for their sweet, sweet chocolate.
[03:20]
Cat Bird
For their sweet, sweet chocolate. Their sweet.
[03:23]
Pete Holmes
What if I'm just like. You're like, oh, they give us the sweet, sweet chocolate.
[03:27]
Cat Bird
They give us the sweet, sweet chocolate. Let's run that back.
[03:30]
Pete Holmes
No, they took over. This is like cell phone batteries, isn't it?
[03:33]
Cat Bird
Yes. And they started at some point telling mothers breastfeeding to give.
[03:39]
Pete Holmes
Don't grab the boob.
[03:40]
Cat Bird
Oh, sorry, sorry.
[03:40]
Pete Holmes
Don't grab the boob.
[03:42]
Cat Bird
That wasn't even a good grat, you know.
[03:44]
Pete Holmes
No, I. Look, if I went like this, I want you to know I've watched your hilarious stand up comedy and you talk about not having boobs. You have enough boobs that it's weird that you grab when you say breastfeed and then you pinch nobody. Maybe they do. I'm here to protect you.
[04:00]
Cat Bird
I'm not totally sure what they. I always imagine it's like a suckle of a cow. You know, where you got what a baby does? You gotta.
[04:06]
Pete Holmes
There is a lot of pinching.
[04:07]
Cat Bird
There's a pinch and there's a pull down. From what I've heard, I've never.
[04:11]
Pete Holmes
In this house, Valerie was breastfeeding Leela. Or I mean, I say with all respect, it didn't go so well. So we could say trying to breastfeed and there's so much. Did you watch the Office where Jim and Pam are pregnant and it's a male coach and it really. What's the word? See, I know you're a lady, so you know all the parts.
[04:32]
Cat Bird
Mostly I got the gist of it.
[04:35]
Pete Holmes
You got the gist?
[04:36]
Cat Bird
I have the gist.
[04:37]
Pete Holmes
Well, you're a homeowner. You own. We rent.
[04:40]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[04:41]
Pete Holmes
With the straight men. Rent. You own.
[04:43]
Cat Bird
Sometimes I feel like I read.
[04:44]
Pete Holmes
I mean, I'm a stranger in a strange land. I'm just saying, maybe not for you. Yes, but the female body has a lot of good pr. Or you could call it the patriarchy.
[04:55]
Cat Bird
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[04:57]
Pete Holmes
You could say it's bad pr. You could say it's a burden. But pr. Pr. It's, it's out there.
[05:01]
Cat Bird
It's out there.
[05:01]
Pete Holmes
And boobs have become like bouncy. Fun, funs. And then when you have a baby, you're like, oh, this is. This is what it is. And it's a lot of dragging, like trying to get the last, like, whip topping out of one of those bags. You know the. Yeah, it's a cat. It's very 57. It's.
[05:18]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[05:18]
Pete Holmes
And it's. It's very 57. You don't shake. You know this.
[05:24]
Cat Bird
Oh, I do know.
[05:24]
Pete Holmes
You're a chef.
[05:25]
Cat Bird
I am.
[05:26]
Pete Holmes
You know where to hit a bottle.
[05:27]
Cat Bird
It's true. It's right on that little.
[05:29]
Pete Holmes
Hit the 57 spot. Yeah, you hit the 57.
[05:31]
Cat Bird
I love those bottles.
[05:33]
Pete Holmes
They're great bottles.
[05:34]
Cat Bird
They're great.
[05:35]
Pete Holmes
It's iconic.
[05:36]
Cat Bird
Iconic.
[05:36]
Pete Holmes
It's like Andy Warhol was like, no notes. Perfect. The way that the top is fat. With respect.
[05:43]
Cat Bird
Yes, of course. Body positive bottles.
[05:46]
Pete Holmes
All caps are beautiful. I prefer a thicker.
[05:49]
Cat Bird
More to grab, more to grab, more to twist.
[05:52]
Pete Holmes
If it was like a one is kind of like skinny bitch.
[05:55]
Cat Bird
Yeah, Skinny bitch plastic top.
[05:57]
Pete Holmes
It's because it's on the carnivore diet.
[06:00]
Cat Bird
You're right. I know.
[06:01]
Pete Holmes
And fucking Heinz is all fries vegan. Oh, go with your ref. I'm here to help.
[06:07]
Cat Bird
I'm liking vegan.
[06:08]
Pete Holmes
Like, the ketchup is vegan. It must be Ve love catch.
[06:10]
Cat Bird
They love it. They'll put it on anything.
[06:12]
Pete Holmes
What's the catch of the day for a vegan? It's ketchup.
[06:15]
Cat Bird
Ketchup.
[06:15]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Yeah. Cuz I'm a vegan.
[06:16]
Cat Bird
Are you? No, Born and raised.
[06:20]
Pete Holmes
I was.
[06:21]
Cat Bird
I was too.
[06:22]
Pete Holmes
Rocking, isn't it? Rocking?
[06:24]
Cat Bird
It's awesome. Until you're like, am I anemic?
[06:26]
Pete Holmes
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to sneak some steak.
[06:29]
Cat Bird
I got to sneak some meat. Sneak a little meat.
[06:31]
Pete Holmes
You got to get some iron. That's anemia, right?
[06:34]
Cat Bird
Totally.
[06:35]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was. I used to have a bit where I was like, it's the fucking best. Like, feeling better than everyone.
[06:41]
Cat Bird
Yeah. And letting them know that too.
[06:43]
Pete Holmes
Let them know.
[06:43]
Cat Bird
Let them know.
[06:44]
Pete Holmes
You get three chances a day.
[06:45]
Cat Bird
You get three snacks, maybe snacks. You're eating that maybe five.
[06:48]
Pete Holmes
You get five to seven chances a day to be like, wow.
[06:51]
Cat Bird
You get 12 to 15 times a day.
[06:53]
Pete Holmes
You get 25 to 60 times a day to be like. But that's why, no joke, that's why being a vegan is so present, is because you are constantly eating. So as a vegan, you're always putting. And with all respect to veganism, but you are being reminded of your lifestyle.
[07:10]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[07:10]
Pete Holmes
Nobody's like offering you alcohol all day.
[07:13]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[07:14]
Pete Holmes
So if you're sober, it's like, maybe in the evening, you. It presents.
[07:17]
Cat Bird
Oh, no.
[07:18]
Pete Holmes
But first meal of the day, you're going, I don't eat fudgeing ovum.
[07:21]
Cat Bird
I'm not going to eat ovum.
[07:22]
Pete Holmes
I don't eat ovum.
[07:23]
Cat Bird
What is ovum?
[07:24]
Pete Holmes
Eggs. Oh, so gross. To think that it's a chicken's ovaries. Oh, that's about it.
[07:29]
Cat Bird
Could you imagine? We got fried ovum.
[07:32]
Pete Holmes
Any ovum?
[07:33]
Cat Bird
We have fried ovum.
[07:34]
Pete Holmes
I'd love the ovum of a chicken that was unfertilized.
[07:38]
Cat Bird
Under easy. Over easy.
[07:40]
Pete Holmes
Could you make it under easy? As a chef, you probably like runny eggs. All the chefs you love. Fucking nasty shit. I'm not a big fan of jellyfish uni. I'll try drippy eggs.
[07:52]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Anything that doesn't have, like, a solid. They're just into that kind of jellified.
[07:57]
Pete Holmes
But you like texture. You don't like. I didn't mean to present that as a chef. I just assume chefs love weirder.
[08:05]
Cat Bird
Yeah, they do. And I don't know if that's like a nature versus nurture, maybe. You get into the kitchen and they're like, this is the life that we live now.
[08:12]
Pete Holmes
This is what we do.
[08:12]
Cat Bird
We're jellyfishing it.
[08:14]
Pete Holmes
We're jellyfishing it. Like, I'll go oyster, but, like, I don't want a runny egg. You don't like oysters?
[08:18]
Cat Bird
Even oyster.
[08:19]
Pete Holmes
You're from here, though. You should love them. I love west coast oysters are awful, though.
[08:23]
Cat Bird
I think they're filled with opium. Have you heard this?
[08:25]
Pete Holmes
What?
[08:26]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[08:26]
Pete Holmes
Can I make a callback to what we were talking about? Then we'll get right back to opium.
[08:29]
Cat Bird
Totally.
[08:30]
Pete Holmes
West coast oysters are 57. East coast oysters are a one talking cap. So thinner, smaller, flatter, more briny, more fun. Less of a muscly kind of quality.
[08:42]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[08:42]
Pete Holmes
Eat a West coast oyster like a kumamoto. You're like, I'm sorry, was that. Did that have a message in it?
[08:48]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[08:49]
Pete Holmes
Was that harboring opium? Apparently it was.
[08:51]
Cat Bird
It has. It has a passenger.
[08:53]
Pete Holmes
What is it?
[08:54]
Cat Bird
It's. It's fentanyl, mostly. No, but there was a. It was. There was.
[08:58]
Pete Holmes
The epidemic has spread to the seas.
[09:00]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[09:00]
Pete Holmes
I don't know how to riff on it. It's so sad.
[09:02]
Cat Bird
It is.
[09:02]
Pete Holmes
I was listening to Mac Miller on the way down, and I got sad.
[09:05]
Cat Bird
Mac Miller.
[09:06]
Pete Holmes
He died.
[09:07]
Cat Bird
I know. I. I saw him In Oakland. He offered. He bit an apple and he's like, do you want a bite of it?
[09:15]
Pete Holmes
Do you.
[09:15]
Cat Bird
To me. Or, you know, it could.
[09:17]
Pete Holmes
Shut the fuck up.
[09:18]
Cat Bird
I swear to God. I have a picture. It's like an old face.
[09:21]
Pete Holmes
Mac Miller took a bite of an apple, a Macintosh, I'm assuming, and offered it to you. The prettiest lady he could find. I don't mean he could find that. I kind of ruined it. The prettiest lady there. The prettiest lady in his vision. I can't really see. The lights are blinding me. Who wants this apple?
[09:42]
Cat Bird
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[09:43]
Pete Holmes
He offered it to you.
[09:44]
Cat Bird
Tell me. The apple of his eye at that point.
[09:46]
Pete Holmes
Yes, that's right. Don't you back away from that riff. So solid gold.
[09:50]
Cat Bird
Okay, good.
[09:51]
Pete Holmes
Just like you.
[09:51]
Cat Bird
The other type of apple.
[09:52]
Pete Holmes
Did you take it? Golden Delicious.
[09:54]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[09:55]
Pete Holmes
Oh, my God. Record this on your iPhone. Apple.
[09:58]
Cat Bird
Apple coming to you. And Nestle, if you could get all this.
[10:01]
Pete Holmes
Newton, go ahead. Did you eat it?
[10:04]
Cat Bird
I did. I took a little bite from where he bit. Yes.
[10:08]
Pete Holmes
It's the apple kiss. We call that a home base.
[10:11]
Cat Bird
A home base.
[10:12]
Pete Holmes
Like, yeah, home base. You haven't gotten a hit yet. So you're not on first base and you're not on second base. Hong Kong.
[10:19]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[10:19]
Pete Holmes
Third base. And you're not on home base. Where it's a point. You're at home base and there's no point. What could we call that better? Halfway to first.
[10:26]
Cat Bird
Halfway to first. Stealing first. Well, don't steal it, but consensually take it. Yeah, yeah.
[10:35]
Pete Holmes
Look, I'd love to riff on that. I don't know if I can. I think I can. You can consent. The bag. The. I'm saying.
[10:44]
Cat Bird
You're right. A lot of.
[10:45]
Pete Holmes
Halfway to first. If someone bites an apple. And Mac Miller bit an apple.
[10:50]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[10:50]
Pete Holmes
And gave it to you and you bit where he just was wet.
[10:54]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[10:54]
Pete Holmes
And now you're adding your wet to it.
[10:56]
Cat Bird
Totally.
[10:57]
Pete Holmes
So I could clone both of you from that apple. Oh, that's sex.
[11:00]
Cat Bird
That is sex.
[11:01]
Pete Holmes
You had sex with Mac Miller.
[11:02]
Cat Bird
I had sex with Mac Miller.
[11:03]
Pete Holmes
Fucking dope.
[11:04]
Cat Bird
I know.
[11:05]
Pete Holmes
Fucking dope.
[11:05]
Cat Bird
Isn't that one of his songs?
[11:07]
Pete Holmes
I mean, it sounds like it. Where did you see him?
[11:10]
Cat Bird
The Fox Theater in Oakland.
[11:12]
Pete Holmes
Oh, you said Oakland. Forget.
[11:13]
Cat Bird
Yeah. No, no, no.
[11:15]
Pete Holmes
Was it after Swimming Circles or was it earlier in the more hip hoppy.
[11:20]
Cat Bird
It was earlier. The hip hop beat.
[11:21]
Pete Holmes
More of the grab ass.
[11:22]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[11:22]
Pete Holmes
More of the frozen pizza. Kool Aid time.
[11:25]
Cat Bird
Totally.
[11:25]
Pete Holmes
He's on my feet time. Bragging Bragging.
[11:28]
Cat Bird
Bragging it up.
[11:29]
Pete Holmes
A lot of bragging.
[11:29]
Cat Bird
He. He was. He was wonderful.
[11:32]
Pete Holmes
I know, but. And look, I love that stuff. Then later, Swimming.
[11:35]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[11:35]
Pete Holmes
Have you heard Swimming?
[11:36]
Cat Bird
I haven't heard it.
[11:37]
Pete Holmes
Oh, my God.
[11:38]
Cat Bird
Is it dark?
[11:39]
Pete Holmes
No. Oh. See, listening to those old ones, especially knowing that he overdosed.
[11:44]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[11:45]
Pete Holmes
He brags a lot about his drug use and makes mention of, like, I hope I don't die. And you're like, oh, no, it's awful. Yeah, it's awful.
[11:54]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[11:55]
Pete Holmes
And then in Swimming. And then Circles, his last two records, Circles came out posthumously posthumous, so John Bryan finished mixing Circles. They're the best.
[12:05]
Cat Bird
Oh, that's.
[12:06]
Pete Holmes
He was going into a whole new. I don't mean to make this about Mac Miller, but, like, that was fentanyl, so it's in oysters. Wait, did you get. Did you get the apple back? Did you get the apple back?
[12:18]
Cat Bird
I did. It was like.
[12:19]
Pete Holmes
So you took a little bite.
[12:20]
Cat Bird
Took a little bite.
[12:21]
Pete Holmes
And you didn't think, like, I'm gonna be Mac Miller's girlfriend now?
[12:24]
Cat Bird
I just felt like it was the. I think the first time in my life where I was like, I'm a groupie. I felt like I was a groupie.
[12:30]
Pete Holmes
I'm a fan of so few things.
[12:32]
Cat Bird
Of Mac Miller. Yes.
[12:33]
Pete Holmes
And I'm a fan of Mac Miller, I think. I'm not a good fan.
[12:35]
Cat Bird
I'm not a good fan either. You're a f. No, I don't have.
[12:38]
Pete Holmes
Terrible fan.
[12:39]
Cat Bird
I don't have the stamina for fanship.
[12:41]
Pete Holmes
I don't have the stamina for fanship.
[12:44]
Cat Bird
It's just when people are.
[12:45]
Pete Holmes
I've said this before, but when they're like, I love the World Cup, I'm like, how do you have the room?
[12:50]
Cat Bird
How do you have the time?
[12:51]
Pete Holmes
The time?
[12:52]
Cat Bird
Are you unemployed?
[12:53]
Pete Holmes
Are you? I'm worried about you. I'm worried about you, Steve.
[12:56]
Cat Bird
Anyone that has.
[12:58]
Pete Holmes
You could learn a language. Look, I'm not learning a language. I don't watch it, and I'm learning no language.
[13:03]
Cat Bird
You could learn Japanese.
[13:04]
Pete Holmes
You could learn Japanese. You don't have to. Google will do it for you. They love it in Japan. They love it.
[13:09]
Cat Bird
What? Google?
[13:10]
Pete Holmes
They're like, I worked on that. It's a tech joke.
[13:12]
Cat Bird
Oh, yeah.
[13:13]
Pete Holmes
It's a technology get.
[13:14]
Cat Bird
The Japanese are.
[13:15]
Pete Holmes
The Irish love the whiskey. The Japanese love the tech. So I'm here to do lazy riffs if you need them.
[13:20]
Cat Bird
West coast loves wee. There it is. Yeah. I don't know.
[13:24]
Pete Holmes
Surfing. Surfing the ocean.
[13:26]
Cat Bird
Good. Yeah. Sushi, Kombucha.
[13:28]
Pete Holmes
Kombucha and fat oysters. We're back. Wait, so you're bad fam.
[13:33]
Cat Bird
Bad fan. I just don't have dad fam. Dad fan. Oh, Dap fan.
[13:38]
Pete Holmes
Dat fan.
[13:39]
Cat Bird
Dat fan.
[13:39]
Pete Holmes
Remember Dat fan. Oh, my God. While you're younger. Oh, Ask anyone in their 40s.
[13:45]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[13:46]
Pete Holmes
He won last comic standing. His name is Dat Fan.
[13:49]
Cat Bird
Dat Fan.
[13:50]
Pete Holmes
Great name.
[13:50]
Cat Bird
It's a great name. And Cat Bird, that.
[13:54]
Pete Holmes
It is sort of in the same store as Cat Bird.
[13:57]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[13:58]
Pete Holmes
And it's a few aisles over, but
[14:00]
Cat Bird
it's in the same two kind of things together. I don't know what a dat is.
[14:06]
Pete Holmes
D A T. I believe he was
[14:09]
Cat Bird
Vietnamese.
[14:10]
Pete Holmes
Something.
[14:10]
Cat Bird
Something.
[14:11]
Pete Holmes
I shouldn't say something. That's.
[14:13]
Cat Bird
That's another comic that won something. Cat Bird something.
[14:19]
Pete Holmes
Oh, my God. I know. I was. I'm guilty in that moment. And it's a learning moment. Val catches me. My wife catches me on this. Of course, assuming your position is the normal. Oh, it's like, oh, it's some. You're something. I'm nothing.
[14:34]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[14:35]
Pete Holmes
I'm the normal.
[14:36]
Cat Bird
Actually less racist somehow. Oh, well, you're.
[14:38]
Pete Holmes
No, it's sleeper racist.
[14:39]
Cat Bird
It's sleeper.
[14:40]
Pete Holmes
Sleeper prejudice. It's sleeper ignorant.
[14:44]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[14:45]
Pete Holmes
I really want my race. Like, if it's going to be racist, I. I want to be like, oh, that was racist. I don't want it to be like, I said that a name was something that. That it almost feels more brimming with hate. Yeah, it's brimming with ignorance.
[14:57]
Cat Bird
Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to know? I. I went to a.
[15:01]
Pete Holmes
This is Kurt Cobain. Did he give you an apple?
[15:04]
Cat Bird
He. Well, he's killing stars. He. He gave me. Yeah, he gave me.
[15:10]
Pete Holmes
Keep going. What was it really?
[15:11]
Cat Bird
Well, this was Kurt Matz. Korean spa. I was going to say Korean spa.
[15:15]
Pete Holmes
Lot of nude.
[15:16]
Cat Bird
A lot of nude. And then in the. On the wall of the Korean spot, said, don't be lewd.
[15:24]
Pete Holmes
I'm fucking loving this.
[15:25]
Cat Bird
I said, don't be lewd.
[15:27]
Pete Holmes
Don't be lewd.
[15:28]
Cat Bird
Lewd. But I didn't know that was a word.
[15:30]
Pete Holmes
Oh, this is great.
[15:31]
Cat Bird
So in my head, I was like, stop, stop.
[15:39]
Pete Holmes
Stop the bet. Stop the bet while I caught. No, I'm gonna. I'm gonna forge you a trophy for the greatest bet I've ever heard in my life. I'm gonna. I'm gonna.
[15:51]
Cat Bird
Like I said this. I swear to God I've said this.
[15:53]
Pete Holmes
Oh, I don't think you're doing bits. That's what made it even. More. I could taste the freshness it was. You didn't know lewd was a word and you thought it traveled into writing.
[16:02]
Cat Bird
Yes, it traveled into. Yes.
[16:04]
Pete Holmes
The LR Mix up has made its way to print. This is the funniest fucking. I'm sorry. See that? I don't know what to say. Well, that's why I was like, it's the greatest thing I've ever heard.
[16:17]
Cat Bird
Ignorance. That's the purity of racism. Cause you're. Is it true again?
[16:22]
Pete Holmes
It's, it's lazy.
[16:23]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[16:24]
Pete Holmes
When, when the whites. Because you do the podcast with Bobby Lee and when I did it. We love a good LR Swap.
[16:29]
Cat Bird
Oh, yeah, totally.
[16:30]
Pete Holmes
It's a little bit lazy, but I don't think. Look, nobody needs me explaining what racism is. But I, like, I was saying if I were to do a bit about it, it's like, let's. Like, racism should be like, you know it when you see it. Like pornography.
[16:43]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[16:43]
Pete Holmes
And when somebody goes like, lewd. I thought it was rude.
[16:46]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[16:47]
Pete Holmes
But, like, I don't see hate in that. I see like a noticing of a, Of a cultural. Of a cultural sometimes pattern. Totally of a cultural sometimes pattern.
[16:56]
Cat Bird
That was really where. And I was very close to being
[17:02]
Pete Holmes
like, you have to open with that tonight.
[17:04]
Cat Bird
I can't. I just feel so crazy.
[17:08]
Pete Holmes
I was in the, I was at the Korean spa. Great, Great. It's natural. Look at me. This was so hard. Ah. I was just at the Korean spa in the, in the bath. You can even say a lot of nudes. A lot of nudes in the locker room. The Korean spoilers. A sign that just said, don't be lewd. Long pause. And then you go. And I didn't know lewd was a word. And I was like, oh, it's when they're writing as well.
[17:37]
Cat Bird
That's it.
[17:38]
Pete Holmes
It's when they're writing too.
[17:39]
Cat Bird
It's when they're writing too.
[17:40]
Pete Holmes
Oh, it's making it, it made its way into print. This is the bit.
[17:44]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[17:45]
Pete Holmes
These are the tags.
[17:46]
Cat Bird
Because I never knew, like I said, I, I, I had that thought and I thought, oh, I could never say that because I don't want to give
[17:53]
Pete Holmes
it the full official Nintendo seal of approval. 1986.
[17:56]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[17:57]
Pete Holmes
I, I mean, I could be wrong. I sometimes yell at Mike Birbigli. I'm like, you need to do that. You need to do that. And he asks his younger staff, and they're like, you can't do that. That's the worst thing you've ever done. But I'm like, that's the funniest. I don't know.
[18:08]
Cat Bird
But sometimes I don't know if people know that word. I don't know if everyone gets that word.
[18:13]
Pete Holmes
Look, we could. I'll happily break down why I think the joke comes on this side.
[18:17]
Cat Bird
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[18:18]
Pete Holmes
And it includes the fact that you don't know what lewd means.
[18:21]
Cat Bird
I know.
[18:22]
Pete Holmes
So there's a self deprecating preciousness to the joke. There's also your nakedness. Forgive and forget comes into play. You're vulnerable in the joke.
[18:30]
Cat Bird
I'm naked.
[18:31]
Pete Holmes
That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That plays in people, don't I? Look, I could be wrong. I don't think people are consciously doing this, but when they're evaluating a joke, we're very primal and we go, well, she was naked. Yes, she was naked, vulnerable. And she was confused. And it's an honest mistake. You were like, oh, they mean don't be rude. And if they don't get it, you have to go like, I thought they were saying, don't be rude. This guy didn't get it. Just. Here's where I'm gonna say, pull up the nose. Resist the temptation to tag it. If you want my advice with another lr, don't get greedy.
[19:09]
Cat Bird
Oh, I won't, I won't.
[19:10]
Pete Holmes
Don't get greedy. You gotta stick and move with things like that.
[19:13]
Cat Bird
I'll keep. I'll keep it where it was. And I don't want to get.
[19:16]
Pete Holmes
It's the funniest. I would. I'm not going to. Obviously. This is a you. I don't have to say that. I'm saying, I insist you do it.
[19:25]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[19:25]
Pete Holmes
Even if you said I can have it, I want you to. This is the compliment. I would gladly take it and open with it tonight, but that's not gonna happen. You're gonna do it. I'm just trying to give you some of my confidence in the joke.
[19:39]
Cat Bird
That's a huge confidence boost. You know what I'm gonna do tonight? I'm gonna go to the Comedy Store.
[19:43]
Pete Holmes
Yes.
[19:43]
Cat Bird
I'm gonna do potluck. And I'm be like, this one's for you, Pete. Record I was at the Korean spa.
[19:50]
Pete Holmes
We'll drop it in. We'll drop it in right here. How did the joke do? Here we go. We can't hear it.
[20:05]
Cat Bird
Yeah, we're gonna have to take you off the whatever I bought. I'm not on anything.
[20:09]
Pete Holmes
I. No, I loved it. Okay, so oysters have opium in them.
[20:12]
Cat Bird
Oh yeah. So.
[20:13]
Pete Holmes
And Nestle.
[20:14]
Cat Bird
And Nestle. I. Well, the thing about Nestle, that was really. I remember being. I was 21 when I went to Ghana and they had.
[20:22]
Pete Holmes
You went to Ghana?
[20:23]
Cat Bird
I went to Ghana.
[20:24]
Pete Holmes
Why you go Ghana?
[20:25]
Cat Bird
I go Ghana. Which also doesn't go Ghana.
[20:30]
Pete Holmes
Why you go Ghana?
[20:32]
Cat Bird
Because I'm a fan and. No, it's hard to be a fan. It's hard to be a fan.
[20:36]
Pete Holmes
I don't mean of Ghana, of anything. We love Ghana.
[20:38]
Cat Bird
We love Ghana.
[20:39]
Pete Holmes
I checked the metrics. Our Ghana. Listening. Just nose dive. Nose, nose.
[20:47]
Cat Bird
Diving, diving, Diving, Diving down.
[20:50]
Pete Holmes
Okay, so you went to Ghana. Why?
[20:52]
Cat Bird
Because I did a semester at sea.
[20:55]
Pete Holmes
Oh.
[20:55]
Cat Bird
And that's.
[20:56]
Pete Holmes
Is Ghana on the coast?
[20:57]
Cat Bird
It is. It is on the coast actually. So we did. We went down. Down the coast.
[21:03]
Pete Holmes
Are we on the right or the left of Africa? I don't do east. West.
[21:09]
Cat Bird
Yes, it's on the right.
[21:10]
Pete Holmes
Where is it? Above Madagascar.
[21:12]
Cat Bird
Above. Just above it, I believe.
[21:14]
Pete Holmes
Okay, here's Uganda. Where I've been here. I had to. Well, tell me Participate for when you brag. Yeah, but I mean like people say it's kind of like double Ghana.
[21:24]
Cat Bird
Uh huh.
[21:25]
Pete Holmes
Not that it's a competition. It's Uganda.
[21:28]
Cat Bird
Uganda. You got to go.
[21:29]
Pete Holmes
You got to go. Uganda, go. Uganda go. That's their campaign. It's just a picture of Uganda go. Thinking about Africa. Uganda, go. Uganda.
[21:45]
Cat Bird
That has to be it. Uganda gonna go Ghana.
[21:49]
Pete Holmes
And then you go I'm Ghana, I'm gonna. Africa. You gotta go I'm Ghana, I'm gonna.
[21:58]
Cat Bird
And then. Oh man.
[22:00]
Pete Holmes
Well.
[22:02]
Cat Bird
Huh. I was just thinking about other countries that are in Africa that are.
[22:05]
Pete Holmes
Oh yeah. It's hard.
[22:06]
Cat Bird
It's really hard.
[22:07]
Pete Holmes
South Africa, Egypt. How many can you name?
[22:10]
Cat Bird
Morocco.
[22:10]
Pete Holmes
Morocco, okay. Casablanca, right?
[22:14]
Cat Bird
Yes, totally.
[22:16]
Pete Holmes
Some of them change names. You don't want to like. I want to say the Congo isn't the Congo. Yeah, that sounds like a neighborhood.
[22:23]
Cat Bird
The Congo sounds dangerous.
[22:25]
Pete Holmes
And it sounds dangerous.
[22:27]
Cat Bird
Yeah, Yeah.
[22:27]
Pete Holmes
I don't think. I don't know. Welcome to Two Whites. Two Whites about Africa. Yeah, trying, trying. Oh, we're forgetting the classics. Kenya.
[22:37]
Cat Bird
Kenya.
[22:37]
Pete Holmes
Nigeria.
[22:38]
Cat Bird
Nigeria, Niger, Nambibia.
[22:41]
Pete Holmes
Namibia. Namibia.
[22:43]
Cat Bird
Libya is Libya.
[22:44]
Pete Holmes
Don't be nambivalous.
[22:45]
Cat Bird
Don't be nambivolent.
[22:46]
Pete Holmes
Thinking Africa. Uganda, go. I'm gonna. This is suddenly the best day of our lives. Don't be nim. I know. Just the sound of thousands of African laptops.
[23:07]
Cat Bird
Why did you go to Uganda?
[23:08]
Pete Holmes
No, no. I'd love to tell you all about it. That's the problem. Sometimes I listen to other podcasts and the host talks too much and I'm like, shut the up. And then I'm like, oh, I do that. So I'm not going to tell you, but it was a mission trip.
[23:23]
Cat Bird
Mission trip. Yeah. Yeah.
[23:24]
Pete Holmes
You went.
[23:24]
Cat Bird
Because the Semester at Sea dropped us off there.
[23:27]
Pete Holmes
What is Semester at Sea?
[23:28]
Cat Bird
It's a. It's a program where you study, you take classes on a big boat. A cruise ship. Right.
[23:35]
Pete Holmes
Okay.
[23:36]
Cat Bird
And then you go around the world. And I went to. I always wanted to go, but it was really expensive and I went to Berkeley. So I was basically, was like, how can I. I got a scholarship to go on this thing.
[23:50]
Pete Holmes
Nice.
[23:51]
Cat Bird
It was awesome.
[23:51]
Pete Holmes
And it was awesome.
[23:52]
Cat Bird
It was super cool.
[23:53]
Pete Holmes
It sounds like it could go either way. Life on a boat.
[23:56]
Cat Bird
Life on a boat. Absolutely. And you definitely. I mean, my parents, we didn't really have a lot of money, so it was like I. I had a different experience to the. The kind of 1% college student that
[24:09]
Pete Holmes
went from town to town.
[24:10]
Cat Bird
Yeah. And we're like living this total.
[24:12]
Pete Holmes
All these different colored money.
[24:13]
Cat Bird
Oh, yeah. Different colored money. Monopoly dollars.
[24:16]
Pete Holmes
I don't even know what this is. They throw it over.
[24:18]
Cat Bird
Totally.
[24:18]
Pete Holmes
You're eating a soup.
[24:19]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Cold soup. The same one. The whole trip.
[24:22]
Pete Holmes
I always. I reheated. I didn't even heat it. One third of a camp. It's a cream base.
[24:28]
Cat Bird
It's cream based.
[24:29]
Pete Holmes
Don't want it.
[24:29]
Cat Bird
Did not preserve well.
[24:32]
Pete Holmes
The grab ass kids were going and ripping through each town, getting drunk in all these different languages.
[24:37]
Cat Bird
Some of them got bedbugs.
[24:39]
Pete Holmes
What?
[24:39]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[24:40]
Pete Holmes
Hubris.
[24:41]
Cat Bird
Totally.
[24:41]
Pete Holmes
Oh, God. Gave them bedbugs.
[24:43]
Cat Bird
I know. And I was like, oh, that's. You know. But I don't want to, you know, But a little bit. A little bit. Just because one of the guys was a little bit mean and so. And he got bedbugs in Amsterdam.
[24:55]
Pete Holmes
The best.
[24:55]
Cat Bird
The best.
[24:56]
Pete Holmes
You mean crabs. Let's just say he got the bedbugs. He got the bed. I mean crabs.
[25:04]
Cat Bird
Let's talk sex.
[25:04]
Pete Holmes
Oh, he had to get rid of his sheets.
[25:06]
Cat Bird
No.
[25:06]
Pete Holmes
He had to burn his pubes from the bed. The bugs you get from the bed. I bet they were doing sex stuff.
[25:15]
Cat Bird
They had to have been.
[25:16]
Pete Holmes
I mean, it was, you know, not to shame. I know that's not the way anymore, but when I grew up, you could really wag a finger.
[25:24]
Cat Bird
Yeah, you could.
[25:25]
Pete Holmes
You could be like that fuck. Absolutely. Like that's everything. That's their job.
[25:32]
Cat Bird
That's totally.
[25:32]
Pete Holmes
I'm like, yeah, but were they Kidnapped into their job.
[25:36]
Cat Bird
Yeah, but that's the kink. The kidnapping. It's like, please. I mean, it is wild to just think where we're at.
[25:44]
Pete Holmes
I do want to say, with respect, I know that's a serious issue. Sex trafficking, hard to joke about. I don't know. Did I make it worse?
[25:50]
Cat Bird
No, I don't think so.
[25:51]
Pete Holmes
Okay, good. I just wanted to say that's one of the reasons to not participate. Even though sex work can be worked. Yeah. Maybe in la. So I don't know.
[25:59]
Cat Bird
I don't know.
[26:00]
Pete Holmes
How do you know?
[26:00]
Cat Bird
I don't know.
[26:01]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, it's hard to know.
[26:02]
Cat Bird
There's. I go to all those. I go to in n out, and they're constantly like, don't traffic.
[26:07]
Pete Holmes
Don't really? What do you mean?
[26:09]
Cat Bird
Well, that's their big thing. That's like an in and out. They. They say, don't traffic in the bathroom.
[26:14]
Pete Holmes
Like when they hand you their bag.
[26:16]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[26:16]
Pete Holmes
There's like, don't sex traffic.
[26:17]
Cat Bird
No sex trafficking.
[26:18]
Pete Holmes
And some guy's like, oh, yeah.
[26:20]
Cat Bird
Like, all right, I'll take that animal stuff. It's just weird.
[26:26]
Pete Holmes
Yes. Okay. In and out. By the way, Anthony Bourdain's favorite restaurant in la.
[26:31]
Cat Bird
That's really cool.
[26:32]
Pete Holmes
Which sounds true. And also, like, a way to be like you.
[26:35]
Cat Bird
Yeah, totally. Because he was a little bit off.
[26:39]
Pete Holmes
Off the beaten.
[26:40]
Cat Bird
I always thought he was so in and out. Kind of feels like. I think he would have liked to, like, a bit more divey, kind of.
[26:47]
Pete Holmes
Oh, yeah.
[26:47]
Cat Bird
Like the apple. The apple. The apple tray.
[26:51]
Pete Holmes
More apple.
[26:51]
Cat Bird
The apple.
[26:52]
Pete Holmes
Apple's back.
[26:52]
Cat Bird
The fentanyl Apple tree. No, the apple.
[26:55]
Pete Holmes
The Mac Miller apple. Yes.
[26:57]
Cat Bird
Oh, the apple pan. Have you been the apple pan?
[26:59]
Pete Holmes
I use apple pen.
[27:00]
Cat Bird
Yeah, you do.
[27:01]
Pete Holmes
It's apple pan.
[27:02]
Cat Bird
Apple pan is this old diner in Culver City that's, like, grilly. Yeah.
[27:07]
Pete Holmes
Is it a charcoal burger situation?
[27:10]
Cat Bird
Yeah, it sounds like it is. Yeah.
[27:13]
Pete Holmes
But go ahead.
[27:14]
Cat Bird
Are you eating meat now?
[27:16]
Pete Holmes
I do dabble, which is great. I'll tell you, because we're gonna get to your chefness.
[27:21]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[27:22]
Pete Holmes
When you know chefs. Weird, weird Flex. One time I had dinner. Rachael Ray. This is for the applause. She's wonderful. And she was on crashing, and we had dinner at her house, and I was. I was vegan at that time, so she made an incredible vegan meal. But you have to go like, I wonder what she would have done if you were like, just go crazy.
[27:45]
Cat Bird
Oh, totally. Yeah. Just go like, anything you want to do.
[27:49]
Pete Holmes
Whatever you want. You're the artist. That you want, but she. I actually think she enjoyed. I can't speak for her, but I think she enjoyed the restriction. Is it something I'm gonna blow your. And she did.
[28:00]
Cat Bird
Yeah, yeah.
[28:01]
Pete Holmes
It was delicious.
[28:02]
Cat Bird
Was it awesome? Was there a lot of cauliflower pasta?
[28:04]
Pete Holmes
No.
[28:04]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[28:05]
Pete Holmes
It might have been veggie. Nice. Yeah. And there were breadcrumbs on it. That's all I remember. And I was like, why, like, breadcrumbs? It should be salt, pepper. Breadcrumbs on a table.
[28:17]
Cat Bird
Salt. Oh, totally. And what are we talking breadcrumbs? Are we doing, like, the little parts? Dry parsley in there? Are we just talking, like, old. Like, kind of sourdough?
[28:25]
Pete Holmes
I think it was just old school. Shaved bread crumbs.
[28:29]
Cat Bird
You know, it'd be cool.
[28:30]
Pete Holmes
I didn't bother her. She was so cheffy. Yeah, she didn't eat.
[28:33]
Cat Bird
She just started cussing at you.
[28:35]
Pete Holmes
She was yelling. She kept doing coke.
[28:37]
Cat Bird
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[28:38]
Pete Holmes
Not real. Not real. She kept saying, yes, chef, but she was the only one in the kitchen.
[28:42]
Cat Bird
She's having what was a schizophrenic break in there.
[28:45]
Pete Holmes
You having a break?
[28:46]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[28:47]
Pete Holmes
She's like, it's not Rachael Ray. It's Rachel and Ray.
[28:49]
Cat Bird
Rachel and Ray.
[28:50]
Pete Holmes
Ray is the man I speak to in my mom. My last name is Bingham. Rachel and Ray Bingham. This is a fun riff. You're a fun time. You're now you're the only guest on the podcast. The rest of time, there's another.
[29:06]
Cat Bird
I'm into that.
[29:06]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, no, you're great. Well, you were great on Bobby Lee's.
[29:09]
Cat Bird
I really appreciated you.
[29:10]
Pete Holmes
I loved it.
[29:11]
Cat Bird
I thought I had so much fun
[29:12]
Pete Holmes
just talking to you and then Bobby. Just kidding. Bobby's great. It's so weird that. It's not weird. Bobby's, like, huge. People love Bobby. It's just when anybody, you know, blows up in that way. And I'm really happy for him, obviously. And I think I had the most fun. Contigo.
[29:33]
Cat Bird
Contigo.
[29:34]
Pete Holmes
Espanol?
[29:34]
Cat Bird
Si, paquito. Pero no. Contigo. Yes.
[29:41]
Pete Holmes
Con. With me, Tigo. Yes.
[29:43]
Cat Bird
Oh, heck.
[29:44]
Pete Holmes
For some reason, two gets nasty when you go gone. Two is like, I'm tigo now.
[29:50]
Cat Bird
How about contrigo?
[29:51]
Pete Holmes
Contrigo? You gonna go contrigo? What does that mean?
[29:56]
Cat Bird
Menage, trois, Contrego.
[29:58]
Pete Holmes
We had a contrigo. I went down to Juarez and had a contrigo.
[30:06]
Cat Bird
Oh, contrigo in Juarez. Juarez.
[30:09]
Pete Holmes
Pick, like, one of the most conflict strucken parts of Mexico because I watched sicario Recently. Is Narcos good?
[30:17]
Cat Bird
I haven't seen it, but I just feel like that is.
[30:19]
Pete Holmes
It's probably one of those shows Tumultuous. We're supposed to watch. That was when Netflix was cute and they were like, take us serious. Remember?
[30:26]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[30:26]
Pete Holmes
We were like, we have Narcos. And HBO was like, all right, we've got contrigo. I bet there's a lot of contrigos in that. How about claro quesi? Is my favorite thing to say, understand. Well, yeah, it does come from understand, I believe, but it. I think claro. No, it means sure, essentially.
[30:45]
Cat Bird
Oh, okay, sure.
[30:46]
Pete Holmes
But it also means of course. In fact, that was my bit about it. I was watching a show and somebody went, claro, kissy. It's like, can I come in? Claro, Casey. And it said, sure, yeah. I was like, it's not sure. It's of course.
[30:56]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[30:57]
Pete Holmes
We need Clara. Casey. It's enthusiasm.
[30:59]
Cat Bird
Of course.
[31:00]
Pete Holmes
People break up over. Sure.
[31:03]
Cat Bird
Different energy.
[31:04]
Pete Holmes
It's a K. It's like the verbal K or.
[31:08]
Cat Bird
Yeah, K. There's another thing that when people.
[31:13]
Pete Holmes
Thumbs up.
[31:14]
Cat Bird
Thumbs up. I love everything now because I don't want anyone to think, like, everything. Like, you know how there's the thumbs up emoji or the okay emoji or the love. I love it all because I don't want anyone to be like, I don't want to do the shore. I don't want to do that.
[31:30]
Pete Holmes
I love that. And I immediately agree with you. Even if it's like, I'll see you at the airport at 8:30.
[31:36]
Cat Bird
Okay. How about you're like, why don't we just not go to the airport anymore?
[31:40]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah. You just thumbs up and it's like. Or we could forget it. A heart is claro quesi. You can also just say siclaro.
[31:49]
Cat Bird
Siclaro. And then you're like, oh, you want to say amor afterwards.
[31:53]
Pete Holmes
I know. Well, now we're Italian.
[31:55]
Cat Bird
Oh, dang it.
[31:57]
Pete Holmes
More.
[31:57]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[31:58]
Pete Holmes
Amore is Spanish. Italy and Spanish are like. They're.
[32:02]
Cat Bird
That's what I think.
[32:03]
Pete Holmes
It's true.
[32:04]
Cat Bird
And I always.
[32:05]
Pete Holmes
They're having a country.
[32:06]
Cat Bird
They're having a country, though.
[32:07]
Pete Holmes
Portugal.
[32:07]
Cat Bird
Oh, Portugal.
[32:10]
Pete Holmes
No, France is doing its own thing. There's no carryover.
[32:13]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[32:13]
Pete Holmes
Speak France. Well, that's not true. You can speak it in many parts of Africa.
[32:17]
Cat Bird
You can't.
[32:18]
Pete Holmes
We're back.
[32:18]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[32:19]
Pete Holmes
What? Oh. Because of the.
[32:20]
Cat Bird
Whenever that happens, I'm like, oh.
[32:22]
Pete Holmes
I mean, you go to F. When you were in. We're back. When you're in Ghana, you're like, why is this Great Britain?
[32:27]
Cat Bird
I know.
[32:27]
Pete Holmes
And not for a great reason.
[32:29]
Cat Bird
Not for a great reason. And it's. It's. Oof. That.
[32:32]
Pete Holmes
That we're back to Nestle.
[32:34]
Cat Bird
We're back to Nestle.
[32:35]
Pete Holmes
That.
[32:36]
Cat Bird
Well, I just. You know, you go to the. Even the. Central America and. Or parts of. What. What was it gonna say? Which part of the. Not Central America. There's parts of the UK and France that have, like, colonized down. That makes me. Oh, Hawaii. What am I talking, Hawaii. Don't you feel a little bit weird being in Hawaii?
[32:57]
Pete Holmes
I have a bit about that.
[32:58]
Cat Bird
Do you?
[32:58]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Oh, we go like, we don't belong there. That's how I feel. I love Hawaii.
[33:04]
Cat Bird
I do, too.
[33:05]
Pete Holmes
And everyone loves Hawaii.
[33:06]
Cat Bird
Who doesn't?
[33:07]
Pete Holmes
But I do sometimes feel so fat and so white, just sunblock billowing off my body into their beautiful waters. Yeah, that's an exaggeration. But, like, you see a lot of. Not a lot of respect for the land.
[33:21]
Cat Bird
Yeah. I haven't been in many years, but I heard it's been, like, kind of built up a little. Like Glendale Galleria in Hawaii.
[33:28]
Pete Holmes
It's a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. And you see it kind of. There's a thread of it spreading. And the part of the bit that I didn't post was, like, it all look on one hand. It's, like, beautiful. To appreciate the culture. Like, there's always, like, some meal and there's, like, you know, fire dancing and singing.
[33:46]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[33:47]
Pete Holmes
And it just.
[33:47]
Cat Bird
It.
[33:48]
Pete Holmes
It just feels a little weird to sit there eating. Eating the sweet meats and being like, do your culture.
[33:56]
Cat Bird
Do your dance.
[33:57]
Pete Holmes
And then I was like, what if it went the other way? What if Hawaii. Because we found. We found. You know what I'm saying, We overtook Hawaii.
[34:08]
Cat Bird
Oh, no. Write your mind down.
[34:12]
Pete Holmes
Oh, no. It is kind of like a very hot woman.
[34:17]
Cat Bird
It is. Yeah.
[34:18]
Pete Holmes
It's so hot.
[34:19]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[34:20]
Pete Holmes
And then that's. I don't. I can't finish this riff. But there is, like, a feeling of, like. But you're so beautiful.
[34:26]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[34:26]
Pete Holmes
I have to have you.
[34:27]
Cat Bird
I have to have you.
[34:29]
Pete Holmes
It's, like, rough anyway. But I was like, if Hawaii had found the United. The mainland. And then they built hotels, and every night a bunch of Hawaiians. A bunch of Hawaiian people sat around while white people came out and we did the Macarena while they ate hot dogs. Yeah. And they're just, like, kind of, like, disinterested. And we're, like, singing Wonderwall. Maybe you're gonna be the one while they're having a queen corn dung. I guess this is what they did. He's in charge. He's wearing a Yankees hat. He's the. He's the leader. He's the guy just like. But just kind of like humoring it.
[35:11]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[35:11]
Pete Holmes
It would be one thing if we were the best audience. That's what we should be. This is how we fix it.
[35:16]
Cat Bird
Totally.
[35:16]
Pete Holmes
We went to Hawaii and honored every part of the culture. Like, maybe just wear a sun shirt instead of putting that fucking disgusting SPF 90. Maybe if you need 90, don't wear it.
[35:28]
Cat Bird
Don't. I don't.
[35:28]
Pete Holmes
Maybe maybe take the cue from the sun and die with dignity.
[35:31]
Cat Bird
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't go outside.
[35:33]
Pete Holmes
Don't go outside.
[35:34]
Cat Bird
90 SPF.
[35:35]
Pete Holmes
Just wear a sun shirt.
[35:36]
Cat Bird
Just wear a sun.
[35:37]
Pete Holmes
Keep the water. Get the reef.
[35:39]
Cat Bird
Get the reef.
[35:40]
Pete Holmes
Depress. Every tour you take has some depressing. And, you know, because of the reef is. And then there's like just a guy with a Coors Light cannon throws it over. You're like, oh, it's us.
[35:50]
Cat Bird
Oh, it's us.
[35:51]
Pete Holmes
They're giving the bacteria a tour.
[35:53]
Cat Bird
Yeah, yeah.
[35:55]
Pete Holmes
Like the virus you've done. Yeah. Specifically, they're looking at cards, but Ricard just says, don't say directly to them, this is your fault.
[36:04]
Cat Bird
Insinuate heavily.
[36:06]
Pete Holmes
But the next card says, but insinuate heavily. I love it so much. It's a tricky, you know, because where I. I live, it's a beautiful place and sometimes people feel like people from LA are coming up to where I live and. And they're like, we don't like that. And so I can't really. It's like people are moving. People go. It's hard. I don't know how to.
[36:29]
Cat Bird
I don't know. I don't know. I. I think it's. It's tricky, especially. I don't know if there feels like more of an influx to these places now because we're. There's. There are more people and there is more access to information about Ohio. Like, oh, this really beautiful, you know, bakery.
[36:45]
Pete Holmes
Totally.
[36:46]
Cat Bird
You know.
[36:46]
Pete Holmes
Well, you can go to Hawaii because of the Internet. Donald Glover. Yeah, you can go to the Internet, go to Donald Glover, go to Hawaii, go to Hawaii. And you can look up where. You could ask ChatGPT where. If I'm new to Hawaii, where should I get my groceries? I know it's like off the beaten path. I don't want to go to the dumb place where they're going to rip me. I don't want to look stupid. Which I eat. Which I do.
[37:05]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[37:06]
Pete Holmes
They'll tell you. It'll give you an itinerary.
[37:07]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[37:07]
Pete Holmes
Here's how to be a local. I know, like, when.
[37:10]
Cat Bird
Don't wear the 90 SPF, you dumb shit.
[37:12]
Pete Holmes
Wear a sun shirt. And there's a little reference, and it's
[37:15]
Cat Bird
this podcast to the dancing.
[37:18]
Pete Holmes
Don't do the Macarena. Nobody wants to see that. Yeah, I know. It's true. With. With Ojai, with all. That's what I mean. Like, a place is so beautiful. There's this, like. But it's so beautiful. That's like the argument.
[37:30]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[37:31]
Pete Holmes
But that. I don't know.
[37:32]
Cat Bird
But there isn't a sense of wanting to keep it sacred and special.
[37:36]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[37:37]
Cat Bird
That's why I always get really excited and not excited, but instead. I don't even know if inspired is the right word. But, like, when people get lost in the jungle.
[37:47]
Pete Holmes
Yes.
[37:47]
Cat Bird
I get excited. I'm like, good for them. They got lost, you know, like, I hope they're okay.
[37:52]
Pete Holmes
Do it anymore.
[37:53]
Cat Bird
You just can't get lost in the jungle.
[37:55]
Pete Holmes
Blair Witch wouldn't happen. That'd be Starlink.
[37:57]
Cat Bird
I know.
[37:58]
Pete Holmes
And, like, the scary witch house would be on the map.
[38:02]
Cat Bird
Like, guys, you got.
[38:02]
Pete Holmes
You want to see the street view? There's a kid facing the corner. Look, look, the satellite got a kid facing the corner. Look, you can go all the way around and see his face. The car got his face.
[38:14]
Cat Bird
The car got his whole face.
[38:15]
Pete Holmes
That's so true, and you're so right. There's a boy. I wish I had a mind for poems, but there's some poem about, like, being in the woods and, like, getting to the place where there is no forward, back, left or right.
[38:28]
Cat Bird
Robert Frost.
[38:28]
Pete Holmes
Oh, Jesus.
[38:29]
Cat Bird
Into the woods, right? Or into the snow.
[38:31]
Pete Holmes
Or into the woods.
[38:33]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[38:33]
Pete Holmes
Where there's Anna Kendrick.
[38:34]
Cat Bird
Oh, Anna Kendrick. Yes.
[38:36]
Pete Holmes
It's a musical.
[38:36]
Cat Bird
A musical.
[38:37]
Pete Holmes
I was the baker. James Cameron. No, James Corden.
[38:41]
Cat Bird
Corden.
[38:42]
Pete Holmes
Is there anything he can't do?
[38:43]
Cat Bird
Nothing. Bacon.
[38:45]
Pete Holmes
Bacon, Bacon.
[38:47]
Cat Bird
Like a. He's bacon. Right?
[38:48]
Pete Holmes
You said, oh, he's the baker. I just thought you were like, you've had James Corden's bacon. Is there anything you can do? Bacon. Really terrible. With respect, that man looks like he makes great food.
[38:59]
Cat Bird
Oh, totally.
[39:00]
Pete Holmes
He just looks happy and warm.
[39:02]
Cat Bird
Cherubic. Really?
[39:03]
Pete Holmes
With the cherubic. This is not code for calling anybody heavy or something.
[39:08]
Cat Bird
Not at all.
[39:08]
Pete Holmes
I'm saying we don't want to be lewd. We don't want to be lewd. I'm saying if there's a happy person. It looks like James Corden.
[39:22]
Cat Bird
Absolutely.
[39:23]
Pete Holmes
The end.
[39:24]
Cat Bird
Yeah, I think so. He seems very, very happy.
[39:27]
Pete Holmes
Yes, I hope so.
[39:28]
Cat Bird
He looks like the Heinz ketchup bottle.
[39:32]
Pete Holmes
You've made a powerful friend today. James Corden, if you were a condiment, is the Heinz ketchup bottle.
[39:41]
Cat Bird
Absolutely.
[39:42]
Pete Holmes
Tom Cruise.
[39:43]
Cat Bird
Oof.
[39:44]
Pete Holmes
Salt shaker. Salt shaker. No, it's gotta be better than that. George Clooney is salt and pepper.
[39:50]
Cat Bird
Salt and pepper. You're right after the mezcal. Isn't he a mezcal guy or something?
[39:56]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Casamigos.
[39:57]
Cat Bird
Casamigos.
[39:58]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, bleep that. I don't want anyone.
[40:00]
Cat Bird
We don't need to do that.
[40:01]
Pete Holmes
You don't have to believe it.
[40:03]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[40:03]
Pete Holmes
I can see if there's ever been a name for a tequila that is just so thoroughly crowd tested.
[40:10]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[40:11]
Pete Holmes
Like, they had so many focus groups where they were like, what? Because it's the perfect name for a tequila. Casamigos. I mean, it's House of friends, but it's also kind of fun to say. It's also kind of like the group Migos.
[40:25]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[40:26]
Pete Holmes
Like Casamigos.
[40:28]
Cat Bird
Casamigos. Contrigos.
[40:30]
Pete Holmes
Fun to say.
[40:30]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[40:31]
Pete Holmes
It's like Nike people like four letter words. That was like, one of the reasons,
[40:35]
Cat Bird
you know, that I didn't know that. I just watched a documentary on Nike, though, and like, they're branch into Jordans. Have you heard of.
[40:41]
Pete Holmes
You watched the movie Air or a documentary?
[40:44]
Cat Bird
It was a.
[40:44]
Pete Holmes
Because I got that from the movie Air.
[40:46]
Cat Bird
You got it from.
[40:46]
Pete Holmes
Do we just become best friends? What is this documentary about Nike?
[40:50]
Cat Bird
Well, no, it's not a documentary. It's about Michael Jordan. The Last dance. Did you ever do? Yeah, and they just went into Nike and he. He didn't want it. He didn't want the deal with Nike.
[41:00]
Pete Holmes
You got to watch the movie Air.
[41:01]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[41:01]
Pete Holmes
Do you love Matt D? I love Matt D. Matt Damon is. I'm gonna give him a very high compliment.
[41:08]
Cat Bird
Please.
[41:09]
Pete Holmes
Is he Sriracha Mayo. I want him to be something amazing.
[41:12]
Cat Bird
Japanese Sriracha Mayo. Because the Syracuse. Because it's a little bit lighter. Japanese mayo is a little bit lighter. And it's like a little bit. Tell me less heavy on the tum tum.
[41:22]
Pete Holmes
Oh, like, America's like, full fat.
[41:24]
Cat Bird
Yeah, we go. We go for the Hellmans.
[41:26]
Pete Holmes
Give me that. Hellman.
[41:27]
Cat Bird
Even the words sounds heavy.
[41:30]
Pete Holmes
That was before they were crowd testing.
[41:32]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[41:33]
Pete Holmes
Casamigos. Is George Clooney going like, okay. Soul Day amor.
[41:39]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[41:39]
Pete Holmes
Everyone's like, what? Yeah, Casamigos. Everyone's Like I'll drink.
[41:43]
Cat Bird
I'll do. I'll drink it.
[41:44]
Pete Holmes
I'll drink that.
[41:45]
Cat Bird
Do I need to know Spanish to. To order? Yeah.
[41:49]
Pete Holmes
Do I need to know? I just wanted to say yours now. Do I need to know Spanish to order? Just in a mall.
[41:57]
Cat Bird
Yeah. I don't truly believe in speaking Spanish.
[41:59]
Pete Holmes
I don't acknowledge Spanish. I don't even hear it. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Element lmnt. You know, I drink it every single morning. I'm always talking about it. It's one of the things in my daily routine that I sincerely looked forward to because it is delicious and it floods every cell in my body with optimum hydration. That's the perfect science backed ratio of sodium, potassium and magnesium. Makes me feel fantastic and jump starts my day. And now Element has a caffeine option as well, which I'm obsessed with. It's called lemonade iced tea. It uses full black tea extract, not isolated caffeine. So you're getting caffeine the way it naturally occurs in tea, along with L theanine, which is a must with caffeine for me. And polyphenols. Polyphenols. Polyphenols. That's how you say it. And it has the same electrolytes. Element is known for no artificial colors, no dodgy ingredients, and no sugar. So many of these hydration things have like 30 grams of sugar. Element is different. Plus it's hydration and a little lift with a noticeably steadier feeling. Less spike and less drop. And right now you can get a free 8 count sample pack of Elements post popular drink flavors with any purchase@drinklmnt.com weird. That's drinkelement.com weird. Use promo code weird for free 8 count sample pack with any purchase. This episode is brought to you by our friends at dad Grass. It is summertime. It's time for friends, it's time for fun. And trust me, if you're having people over and still just putting out the usual fare, you need to up your game. Because when I put out new leisure drinks by dad Grass, these are sparkling yuzu flavored cans that ship legally to all 50 states. If you're over 21 that have 3 milligrams of THC and 6 milligrams of CBD for the perfect, in my opinion, buzz that makes you feel happy and relaxed and gets you merging into that social situation, having more fun at that game night, enjoying that movie just a little bit more and laughing so much more. They are stackable, meaning it's a pretty mild buzz but they're stackable if you want to do it bigger and they are fast acting which means you will feel it in about 10 to 20 minutes. It's not like some mystery edible that you take in. Six hours later it hits you and you're trying to have dinner with your parents and they are delicious and every time I put them out, boom, gone. And like everything dad Grass does, it is taking the edge off without blasting you into outer space, which is what I love about this company as a whole. They have joints, they have gummies, they have cbd, they have cbg, they have. They have basically gummies and joints that don't get you stoned but just relax you if you don't want weed. But if you do want a little bit, try their leisure drinks. They are amazing. Try all their products including their joints and gummies@dadgrass.com weird and use promo code weird for 20% off. That's dadgrass.com weird promo code weird this episode is brought to us by our friends at Apollo Neuro. You guys know I've been using my Apollo for years and my favorite thing that it does, even though it does a lot of things, is it helps me sleep. We can talk about calming the mind, but sometimes the problem is the body and you need to speak to the body the way the body can understand. And that's what the Apollo does. It sends these almost sub perceptual vibrations calming your nervous system to tell it it's okay, you can let go, you can go to sleep. Let me gently lull you there. Apollo is a wearable that gives your body these vibrations that calms your nervous system down. And there's even an AI feature called Smart vibes that adjusts to you so you don't have to sit there wondering, am I calm? Am I focused? Am I resting? It just does its thing and reruns the program when needed so you don't have to wake up or do anything. Just set it and forget it and sleep better. I love that it's external, it's drug free and it's something I can use every night. And I do. If you have trouble powering down at night like I used to. Apollo has been huge for me. Can also help with energy for focused, being social, all of these things. Try it out. Go to ApolloNeuro.com weird to learn more and get $99 off. That's a P O L L O n e r o.com weird to learn more and get 100 well 99 let's call it what it is. 99 bucks off. Okay. Where are we?
[46:18]
Cat Bird
Kasumig. Oh, yeah. I don't remember.
[46:19]
Pete Holmes
Casamigo. Oh, we're trying to figure out what. Condiments.
[46:21]
Cat Bird
Condiments.
[46:22]
Pete Holmes
Matt Damon is. He might be. Look, if James. James Corden. I actually think James Corden might. Yeah. Dreamy.
[46:31]
Cat Bird
I mean, give it a tzatziki maybe, but that's because it's a Greek. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah.
[46:39]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. I think James Corden might be with. Because he's British and they love mayonnaise on everything there.
[46:47]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[46:48]
Pete Holmes
And there's something sort of indulgent and soft about him. Soft? Just welcoming. I think he might be a delicious mayonnaise.
[46:55]
Cat Bird
I think so.
[46:56]
Pete Holmes
I think he's a delicious mayonnaise.
[46:58]
Cat Bird
Yeah, you can.
[46:58]
Pete Holmes
I think David Letterman is like a yellow mustard. Oh, Kimmel is sriracha. Mayo. We're figuring it out.
[47:04]
Cat Bird
Okay. Okay.
[47:05]
Pete Holmes
Fallon is sugar maple. Simple. Maple syrup.
[47:11]
Cat Bird
Syrup. Yes.
[47:12]
Pete Holmes
Syrup.
[47:12]
Cat Bird
Syrup.
[47:13]
Pete Holmes
Sweet.
[47:13]
Cat Bird
Sweet.
[47:14]
Pete Holmes
Everybody likes them.
[47:15]
Cat Bird
You don't not like it.
[47:17]
Pete Holmes
You're fine.
[47:17]
Cat Bird
You're good.
[47:18]
Pete Holmes
You're good with it.
[47:19]
Cat Bird
You're sweet.
[47:19]
Pete Holmes
But Matt Damon might be. All right, I'll give you tzatziki.
[47:24]
Cat Bird
Tzatziki.
[47:25]
Pete Holmes
Tzatziki. You were a chef.
[47:29]
Cat Bird
I know. I always.
[47:30]
Pete Holmes
I always called it tzatziki, but give me tzatziki.
[47:33]
Cat Bird
I think that was.
[47:36]
Pete Holmes
There a lot of meanness in the kitchen.
[47:38]
Cat Bird
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
[47:39]
Pete Holmes
Really?
[47:39]
Cat Bird
It was hard. It was. It was pretty hard, honestly.
[47:41]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[47:42]
Cat Bird
But I just. I graduated. I had no idea what I wanted to do, and so. And I needed money, and I was living in Bath in the UK at the.
[47:50]
Pete Holmes
The.
[47:50]
Cat Bird
At that point.
[47:51]
Pete Holmes
In Bath.
[47:51]
Cat Bird
In Bath. Sorry. Bath.
[47:54]
Pete Holmes
Bath. I'm gonna be in Bath.
[47:56]
Cat Bird
Bath.
[47:57]
Pete Holmes
Goliath of Gath.
[47:58]
Cat Bird
Goliath of Gath.
[47:59]
Pete Holmes
That's a weird riff.
[48:00]
Cat Bird
I don't know.
[48:00]
Pete Holmes
Goliath was from Gath.
[48:01]
Cat Bird
Was he really?
[48:02]
Pete Holmes
You lived in Bath?
[48:03]
Cat Bird
Yeah, we were. We were neighbors. Gath and Bath.
[48:07]
Pete Holmes
I mean, it's B, C, D, E, F, G. It's right there.
[48:10]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[48:11]
Pete Holmes
B, There's Bath. Gath. Dath fathom.
[48:16]
Cat Bird
Wait, Jim Fassigan.
[48:24]
Pete Holmes
Jim Gaffigan is the giant Jim Gaffigan.
[48:28]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[48:28]
Pete Holmes
And he's slain by David Cross.
[48:30]
Cat Bird
David Cross.
[48:31]
Pete Holmes
Condiment is David Cross's horseradish.
[48:34]
Cat Bird
Totally.
[48:35]
Pete Holmes
Right?
[48:36]
Cat Bird
Yeah, That's a little bit.
[48:37]
Pete Holmes
He would. He would insist.
[48:39]
Cat Bird
Horseradish. A little spice.
[48:41]
Pete Holmes
He would insist.
[48:43]
Cat Bird
Totally.
[48:43]
Pete Holmes
That's not a burn.
[48:44]
Cat Bird
No, not at all.
[48:45]
Pete Holmes
He would insist.
[48:46]
Cat Bird
It's a nice spice.
[48:47]
Pete Holmes
Odenkirk. Classic. Tabasco.
[48:50]
Cat Bird
Oh, yeah.
[48:51]
Pete Holmes
Cause he's always surprising you.
[48:53]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[48:53]
Pete Holmes
Like, what the fuck? And it's good on everything. It's good in comedy. American staple drama.
[48:58]
Cat Bird
Tabasco.
[48:59]
Pete Holmes
He's an American staple. Isn't it made in some weird place? Yeah, it's like Lynchburg or something. No, that's Jack Daniels. No, don't worry about it. Okay. How did you fall into Chef? So you were in bathroom.
[49:13]
Cat Bird
I was in bath and I. I had just finished.
[49:14]
Pete Holmes
I was in bath. Phone rang. Hello?
[49:16]
Cat Bird
Hello?
[49:17]
Pete Holmes
I'm wet from bath. Think of come, chef.
[49:21]
Cat Bird
I, I literally. I, I.
[49:24]
Pete Holmes
You ran out of cash.
[49:25]
Cat Bird
I had ran out of cash.
[49:26]
Pete Holmes
Is that real?
[49:28]
Cat Bird
I didn't have a lot. I don't know if I ran out, but it was. It was getting close.
[49:32]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[49:32]
Cat Bird
And I didn't know what I wanted to do because you, you graduate and there's this, like, weird time where you're like, what the heck is going on? What am I gonna do? And then I found myself as a dishwasher in a Michelin star kitchen shot. Yeah.
[49:46]
Pete Holmes
So all the plates are stars.
[49:47]
Cat Bird
Yeah. I started thanks for.
[49:51]
Pete Holmes
Yes. Handing my middle of the road riff.
[49:53]
Cat Bird
I liked it. I was trying to think of Michelin stuff. I was. I was going with I.
[49:56]
Pete Holmes
Am I the only one that always pictures the Michelin man when people say Michelin?
[50:00]
Cat Bird
100%. And I. Because I was in a British kitchen and I had my American. Yeah. He looks like he has the best time.
[50:07]
Pete Holmes
He's the James Corden of the tire guys.
[50:10]
Cat Bird
And we all love the Michelin man.
[50:12]
Pete Holmes
We're not Michelin shaming.
[50:14]
Cat Bird
We're not Michelin shaming.
[50:15]
Pete Holmes
We're not cordon shaming.
[50:16]
Cat Bird
We're not cordon shaming.
[50:17]
Pete Holmes
We're celebrating.
[50:18]
Cat Bird
We're Shel. We're Michelle. Elaborating.
[50:21]
Pete Holmes
Michellebrating. You got a dude.
[50:27]
Cat Bird
We're celebrating.
[50:28]
Pete Holmes
We're Michelle.
[50:29]
Cat Bird
A brighting beauty and positivity. That's right. Unfortunately, that's not the energy in a kitchen. It's very serious and scary.
[50:36]
Pete Holmes
They call. There's a lot of body shaming in the kitchen.
[50:39]
Cat Bird
Well, you know, I. Not so much body shaming because you're just not eating. I mean, I. I lost so much weight when I started in a 3. 3 Michelin star. Yeah. Because it was like, oh, tiny plates. Tiny plates. Is it really little mouse catbird bites.
[50:52]
Pete Holmes
I mean, I've left restaurants like that and gone and gotten a cheeseburger afterwards. You're just like, you. What is this edging?
[50:58]
Cat Bird
That's crazy.
[50:59]
Pete Holmes
They put chopsticks. Little Basil, get the out of here. This is America.
[51:04]
Cat Bird
Yeah, this is America. This is not. I don't want your French European fermented chives.
[51:09]
Pete Holmes
We figured out cheese on the whole pizza, not pockets of cheese. The whole pizza gets cheese pizza. The whole cheese.
[51:17]
Cat Bird
And the pizza needs to be.
[51:19]
Pete Holmes
It's got to be big. I want it flopping.
[51:21]
Cat Bird
I want it flopping.
[51:22]
Pete Holmes
I want it flopping.
[51:23]
Cat Bird
I want to take away.
[51:25]
Pete Holmes
I want to flop. I want to flop.
[51:28]
Cat Bird
We need a floppy soft.
[51:30]
Pete Holmes
I want to go like. I gotta bite this to. For structural reasons.
[51:33]
Cat Bird
I love it.
[51:34]
Pete Holmes
Not a crisp.
[51:35]
Cat Bird
Oh.
[51:36]
Pete Holmes
When he pulls up, immediately cheese is a get. It's like cheese is on the rap track. It says, featuring cheese.
[51:42]
Cat Bird
What are we doing?
[51:43]
Pete Holmes
But it's. It's a Lil Wayne song. How about cheese? How about featuring crust?
[51:48]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Or cheese featuring. Or maybe a little bit song written by Basil.
[51:55]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Also, Basil helped.
[51:57]
Cat Bird
Basil helped. Not a star player. A little.
[52:00]
Pete Holmes
And my daughter's like, get that off here. And I like. You got it.
[52:03]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Basil is going to jail for probably doing something weird.
[52:06]
Pete Holmes
Basil.
[52:07]
Cat Bird
Basil.
[52:08]
Pete Holmes
Basil. It's the perfect name for what it is.
[52:11]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[52:12]
Pete Holmes
Basil.
[52:12]
Cat Bird
Basil.
[52:13]
Pete Holmes
Basil. So you went. You wash dishes? I just saw the movie, Tony. He washed dishes.
[52:19]
Cat Bird
I don't know. Oh, it's.
[52:21]
Pete Holmes
It's not out yet.
[52:22]
Cat Bird
Okay, okay, okay. I was gonna say. I can't wait to watch that.
[52:25]
Pete Holmes
Canadian filmmaker Matt Johnson, one of my heroes, made it. It's incredible.
[52:27]
Cat Bird
Okay. I'm excited. And that was in the 70s in New York, right?
[52:31]
Pete Holmes
They made it this year.
[52:32]
Cat Bird
Okay. Okay. What year is.
[52:39]
Pete Holmes
Was in the 70s in Provincetown.
[52:42]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[52:43]
Pete Holmes
Which is in Massachusetts.
[52:45]
Cat Bird
Cool.
[52:45]
Pete Holmes
Near Cape Cod.
[52:46]
Cat Bird
Oh, cool.
[52:47]
Pete Holmes
It's where Mary Oliver lived. The poet.
[52:49]
Cat Bird
Oh, interesting.
[52:50]
Pete Holmes
Is it?
[52:51]
Cat Bird
I don't know. Mary Oliver. Oliver Twist. That's where I was going. I've been to.
[52:56]
Pete Holmes
Can I have some more?
[52:57]
Cat Bird
Yes, please, sir.
[52:58]
Pete Holmes
And Provincetown, known for its food.
[53:00]
Cat Bird
And it's pro. It's known for its food. Province.
[53:02]
Pete Holmes
Well, it's known for its gayness. I mean, that's like a. I think Provincetown would say, like. Yeah, very gay friendly. Not even.
[53:11]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[53:12]
Pete Holmes
It's like beyond gay friendly. Gay celebrating.
[53:15]
Cat Bird
Gay celebrating Gay Michelebrating.
[53:21]
Pete Holmes
Sometimes I wonder if I'm listening to us. I don't know the way you are.
[53:25]
Cat Bird
I'm just really excited to be here.
[53:28]
Pete Holmes
Well, this is already the greatest episode we've ever had. You can drive home just going like, I did it. I showed up. You're the best. You're the fucking best. Are you really?
[53:39]
Cat Bird
I really am.
[53:41]
Pete Holmes
I Am really cool. Not in a bad way. I feel very connected, but I'm not getting, like, the vibe.
[53:46]
Cat Bird
I'm. I'm big, big fan.
[53:47]
Pete Holmes
I love that.
[53:48]
Cat Bird
Yeah. And I love your celebrating. I. When you do stand up is really. I always want. Yeah. I mean, obviously you watch people, but I just find that you're so honest up there. It's really cool.
[53:57]
Pete Holmes
That's a great compliment.
[53:58]
Cat Bird
Yeah, it's funny.
[53:59]
Pete Holmes
In your 20s, you're like, just say I'm funny and I'm late 40s. It's like, just tell me I'm real.
[54:04]
Cat Bird
Yes. And you don't. You're like, this is it. You work out on the bits, and it's. It's always like.
[54:10]
Pete Holmes
You mean like, I stand my ground.
[54:11]
Cat Bird
You stand your ground.
[54:12]
Pete Holmes
I stand my ground.
[54:12]
Cat Bird
But there's always comedy there. There's always comedy because I'm. I. I pull back. I'm like, oh, you guys.
[54:18]
Pete Holmes
Oh, that's funny. I'm not saying this to you. It's been a while since we've talked about stand up on this show.
[54:24]
Cat Bird
Let's go back to ketchup bottles.
[54:26]
Pete Holmes
No, no. I. What condiment is Denzel Washington? Don't get sidetracked. Don't get sidetracked. Don't get sidetracked. I. One of the things I do wish I had known when I was doing comedy is you do a joke, it doesn't work. This is how I would do it, but we all have to find our own ways to do it. Is. I wrote that down.
[54:49]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[54:49]
Pete Holmes
Can you believe? Like, it really just didn't connect. I thought that was so funny. I thought you were all gonna explode, and then it just died. And that becomes the show.
[54:59]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[54:59]
Pete Holmes
Like, if you can find the humor in the joke not working, then there's something happening that's a shared experience. It's very alive. You know what I mean? Like, it's. It's not. It's like being a chef. It's like, we can use that part. It's like fat, but we can cook with the fat. You know what I mean? When you start, you go like, fat. Throw it away. And now you're like. Or like, I don't know, some other gross part.
[55:23]
Cat Bird
Is it fat? Yeah, because it's like, you didn't think you wanted that fat, but now we all share the love of fat.
[55:28]
Pete Holmes
Right?
[55:28]
Cat Bird
And we're in. It's in this place where it's like, here I am, searching for this universal bit where we can connect, but it's right here, right now.
[55:35]
Pete Holmes
It's happening, it's now. Well, you're looking for something. That's why Opening with. I was just at the Korean spa, believe it or not. I think like saying where you were. My theory. Have you heard me say this? Stand up. Is a guy or a lady or person arriving late to a dinner party. Yes. If you ever watch someone arrive late, this is almost over. I know. Everybody's heard this. If you arrive late to a dinner party, everyone's sitting at the table and they look at you and there's. No matter what you say, everyone will laugh.
[56:02]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[56:02]
Pete Holmes
It's the weirdest thing. I really think it's real life stand up comedy. You come in and you go, who knew LA had traffic? Everyone loves it. Anal, anal.
[56:13]
Cat Bird
You're just wondering if people laugh at that.
[56:15]
Pete Holmes
You do, you do bets. Anal, am I right? You could say that, yeah. Anal, it takes, you know, the act itself, but there is a whole process afterwards. I don't know, I don't know what I'm saying. But like when you go on and you say, here's where I just was, I think that's a natural. As natural as you can get to like starting, but also, like, if something happens that will always be funnier than what you've prepared. And if you can merge what you've prepared in what's happening. Yeah, now you're really cooking well.
[56:44]
Cat Bird
You're also like, you, you ground down. You're. You're like, you're super grounded on there, where people.
[56:50]
Pete Holmes
What do you mean by that?
[56:51]
Cat Bird
By. It's like you are them. You like, you're part of that.
[56:56]
Pete Holmes
Oh, yeah, that's. I like that. These are great. I'm sorry to be greedy. I'm just sopping it up.
[57:00]
Cat Bird
No, but it's cool because you, you don't. You never feel like you're fighting for a relationship. It's like you're very much like grounded with the people that you're talking about talking to.
[57:10]
Pete Holmes
I like that.
[57:10]
Cat Bird
And there's a very sincere relationship with the crowd where you're. Because sometimes you see, I mean, I. You see, we all see it where it's like, this is the bit, this is the character. But it's. It feels very much connected and you're
[57:23]
Pete Holmes
there, so that's that. I really appreciate that and I'm sorry again for being indulgent and allowing you. I guess I needed it. I liked it. And that is exactly what I'm going for.
[57:34]
Cat Bird
It's awesome.
[57:34]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, I appreciate it.
[57:35]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[57:36]
Pete Holmes
Some, some. Something relational, something mirroring, like mirroring each other and like finding it together.
[57:42]
Cat Bird
Totally.
[57:43]
Pete Holmes
And then like again, yeah, you do see other people. It's not about putting them down. It's just not my cup of tea.
[57:49]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[57:49]
Pete Holmes
I remember somebody, somebody backstage at the store was like, why don't you do that bit? And it was a really old bit of mine. And I was like, what? I was like, I want to, I want to talk about like, what. What's alive for me today.
[57:58]
Cat Bird
That's what you said to me. Because I, I see you in the green room and you're going through your notes and you're like, oh, there's. This is what happened. This is what happened. You were talking, you doing your pizza bit. You were working on that. And I was like, I just think as someone.
[58:09]
Pete Holmes
Oh, yes.
[58:10]
Cat Bird
And someone who's remember. Yes.
[58:13]
Pete Holmes
Pizza don't call the house. It's like my def jam bit. Some people are addicted to sex, I'm addicted to food.
[58:19]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[58:19]
Pete Holmes
I think that's safer. Pizza don't call the house.
[58:21]
Cat Bird
Pizza don't call the house.
[58:22]
Pete Holmes
What I think is funny about that is there's no house phones. Like, I've like given myself the note to be like, no one knows what I'm talking about. But I used your line when my wife scrolls through my phone and goes, who the is Papa John? And then you said, my racist friend. Yeah, Yeah, I haven't. I've been working on like food stuff.
[58:44]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[58:45]
Pete Holmes
And I think that's gonna make it in this. I don't like using chunk, but I'm gonna say chunk about food stuff. And you helped with that bit. But yes. That like aliveness that really comes when two things are sparking against each other as opposed to that. That worked.
[59:03]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[59:03]
Pete Holmes
Or like I have a solid. Like I can say that and it'll work. Really. Like it kind of thrives in the uncertain parts.
[59:10]
Cat Bird
Yeah. I mean I. That's when you're like the. That's when you are in the stand up zone. When you're like in this like, place of like rawness and can like, you're like, okay, this is something I like.
[59:20]
Pete Holmes
And yeah. It's a blend of asking and telling.
[59:23]
Cat Bird
Totally.
[59:23]
Pete Holmes
Like, I am going like, I can't believe you don't think that's funny. So implication is I think that's funny. So that's telling. Where you're also going like, where are you?
[59:32]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[59:32]
Pete Holmes
And you outnumber me. And you're also like, I need you. I need you to tell me if I'm even making sense.
[59:38]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[59:38]
Pete Holmes
So there's vulnerability and power at the same time.
[59:42]
Cat Bird
But that's. There's vulnerability with you and like you have this like people, you're very much there and there's vulnerability and that. And I think, I mean without saying so hippie dippy about it, but it's, it's the connective tissue that we need, I think especially right now.
[59:58]
Pete Holmes
I agree. And it's one of the reasons why. Sorry to. I know you're saying about me, but I. Other people do it and there's an immediacy. It gets expressed most commonly in crowd work. But it doesn't need to be crowd work. It can be your bits. Your bits can be alive in the same way. Where are you from? Or whatever is. Yeah, you know, that's obviously alive. But you can be asking them and, and seeing where they pull away and when they lit up and when they surprise you and all that sort of stuff. Now you're like having a, like a peak experience. You're having like a happening as opposed to like it's exactly like a date. Like those early dates when Valerie and I were going on dates. Valerie and I still have. I mean brag, but incredible chemistry. And. And that's amazing.
[60:40]
Cat Bird
That's amazing.
[60:40]
Pete Holmes
A lot of times that dries up and you got to work on it. But like those early dates, it's easier to be real. Like. And that's when you're trying out jokes. I don't mean on a date. I mean when a stand up is starting out, building their act. It's like early date energy and sometimes bits stop working and it's because you've lost the spark of like when you
[61:00]
Cat Bird
were really believed in, whatever that was.
[61:04]
Pete Holmes
And then once you start having regular steady sex with this person, you're in a relationship with this person. Maybe your anecdotes do suffer a little bit. You know what I mean? Like it loses some of that pizzazz and you don't want to lose. That's why I don't perform too much. Sorry. We've turned this into a real masterclass. Masterclass. I'm just saying a real lecture on stand up is I'm like one of the reasons I don't like performing too much. Like tonight I'm going up at the store. Bobby has a show upstairs. I thought about texting him and being like, oh, can I jump on that show? But if I ever do that, the first show suffers because I know I have a second show and the second show suffers because I already burnt off my energy doing the first show. I'M like, one and done.
[61:46]
Cat Bird
This is it. Yeah.
[61:47]
Pete Holmes
This is the whole. And when you live in Ojai, I drove two hours to do this.
[61:51]
Cat Bird
This is the one.
[61:52]
Pete Holmes
This is fucking it.
[61:53]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[61:54]
Pete Holmes
Not. And there's a time for sets every night. There's a time for grinding, and there's a time for building your skill set. But then at a certain point, you go, like, I want this to be precious a little bit. Like, if you haven't smoked weed in a really long time or if you haven't had sex in a really long time, these things become incredible. If it's just. It's Tuesday and I smoke weed or it's Tuesday and I have sex.
[62:15]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[62:15]
Pete Holmes
You know what I mean?
[62:16]
Cat Bird
I totally. I totally agree. I'm only starting to learn that about myself now with Stand Up.
[62:22]
Pete Holmes
How much is right for you?
[62:23]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Because I.
[62:24]
Pete Holmes
It's different for everyone.
[62:25]
Cat Bird
It totally is. And I think there is that. Like you said, there's that. There's that period where you're grinding and you're working, but then at what point do you feel like you're just like, all right, I'm just gonna clock in for this set. And I've. I've been. In the past weeks, even, I've been on stage being like, okay, I gotta just get through what I need to be doing.
[62:44]
Pete Holmes
Right.
[62:45]
Cat Bird
Versus right. I'm here. I'm in this. This beautiful world together.
[62:49]
Pete Holmes
Right.
[62:50]
Cat Bird
And that's. That's. That's why we do it.
[62:53]
Pete Holmes
And one of the ways I eke that out of myself is. Is by not doing it too much.
[62:57]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[62:58]
Pete Holmes
I fall in a trap sometimes. I don't do it enough. This just happened. I was at the Improv last week. I was having. I've never done this. I was having dinner with Jay Larson, who I love, and I. He goes, when's your set? We're just having this casual dinner.
[63:09]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[63:10]
Pete Holmes
Because when's your set? I go, 7:50. And he goes, you mean in 10 minutes? I just, like, wasn't. I flew too close to the sun, Cat. I flew too close. I was like, I've never done this. I text them. I'm like, I'm running a little late. I got there, I walked in, went on stage. I did fine.
[63:27]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[63:27]
Pete Holmes
But I did not. There's a. I'm always mixing with preparation and swagger.
[63:34]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[63:34]
Pete Holmes
And you want the combo to be right. But that night, I was like, I. I know how to do this. And I went all swagger. Like, it didn't work at the top of the set. I was chewing gum and I was like, I don't want to chew gum. And I, I thought it would be funny to put it on the stool. And people kind of groaned and I was like, oh, and then I'm back in your ass. That would have been funny. But I swear I didn't take that moment to just like center myself. Remember what a gift it is to do this. Remember that everybody there found parking. Everybody there had dinner. Everybody there is afraid to die or know someone who's sick. People are. Have favorite cereals. People do or don't believe in ghosts. Like, they're all there. And I just kind of walked out and was like. And I was like, whoops. So it's like. But that's one of the things I love about stand up is like, you're constantly, you can't not get it wrong kind of all a lot.
[64:33]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[64:34]
Pete Holmes
And that's one of the things that keeps it so engaging and true is like if you could just get to a place like weightlifting where you're so strong you can, you can lift that weight. But this is like a weightlifting where sometimes you go in and you just try and like your shoulder rips.
[64:49]
Cat Bird
You're like, no, no, but I did this. Yeah, yeah, I did this two months ago. I should be able to do this now.
[64:54]
Pete Holmes
And you. And it, it always surprises you. And I think that's, I don't like to admit it, but that's one of the gifts of it, right?
[65:01]
Cat Bird
It's absolutely the, the fact that you. I personally don't feel like there's ever. I see absolutely brilliant stand up comedians, but I don't know if people talk about the mastery of it, which I believe is there.
[65:16]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[65:17]
Cat Bird
But I do still think it's like this craft that requires constant nurturing, loving totally. And finding. And obviously you get better and more. More.
[65:29]
Pete Holmes
But you're never invincible.
[65:30]
Cat Bird
You're never invincible.
[65:31]
Pete Holmes
And that's kind of good.
[65:32]
Cat Bird
I think it's awesome.
[65:33]
Pete Holmes
I think it is good.
[65:34]
Cat Bird
It's humbling. It's like this, you know, the bo. I mean, for me, it's like, even if I have a couple good sets, I always know that there's a bomb coming.
[65:42]
Pete Holmes
And you're like, with respect to the original room, if I go up in the main room and this just happened and they were like, hey, do you want to jump on the original room? Somebody's running late.
[65:52]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[65:52]
Pete Holmes
I was like. And I'm look, I hope everybody take your gum out. What's that?
[65:57]
Cat Bird
You take your gum out.
[65:58]
Pete Holmes
I take my Gum out.
[65:59]
Cat Bird
I'm ready.
[65:59]
Pete Holmes
I'm ready. I don't care. I moonwalk on stage, but then I take trip. The original room. Again, with respect, the store is my favorite place. It's awesome. It's so fun. I. When I'm in the original room, I'm like, this is what open mics are like. This is. Even if it's full, I'm like, this is what it was like starting for 10 years. Like, you go up, it's heavy. You're looking out. Sunset Strip is right behind you. You're like, this is where Prior was. This is where Letterman was. This is where all these greats were. Kinison, you're. You're there.
[66:35]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[66:35]
Pete Holmes
And you say, just to kind of see where you are, put the meat thermometer in the turkey.
[66:40]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[66:41]
Pete Holmes
You say your most cherished quick joke.
[66:45]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[66:45]
Pete Holmes
And it gets a C minus.
[66:47]
Cat Bird
Uhhuh.
[66:48]
Pete Holmes
And you're like, but I'm trying new stuff.
[66:50]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[66:51]
Pete Holmes
Welcome to hell. Like, it's not hell. I'm just.
[66:54]
Cat Bird
But it is. It is this weird.
[66:57]
Pete Holmes
Yes.
[66:57]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[66:58]
Pete Holmes
I've just said I've sat in the back of that room watching other people, and I go, thank God. I thought it was me. No, that room.
[67:05]
Cat Bird
That room is a pressure cooker of energy and demons.
[67:09]
Pete Holmes
Something's wrong with it. Something's wrong with it.
[67:12]
Cat Bird
That room is insane.
[67:14]
Pete Holmes
It's insane. And it's like, again, we all thank you for the spots.
[67:17]
Cat Bird
We love it.
[67:17]
Pete Holmes
We love it. Thank you. Grateful.
[67:20]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[67:20]
Pete Holmes
And I think. Sorry, Kat, I feel like I've been talking too much, but there's something about the shit that's necessary in stand up. The, like, suffering that's necessary in any discipline. And it's sort of missing a lot of the times. Like, if you come from only great rooms where everybody kills.
[67:41]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[67:42]
Pete Holmes
The Ice House is one of those rooms. Everybody murders at the Ice House. But, like, it doesn't have the same. The same. With respect to the Ice House. It doesn't have the same. It's like how per. I always talk about this, but perfumes need to have a bad smell, a mustiness. Yes.
[67:57]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[67:57]
Pete Holmes
And, like, don't get me started on my theory of that. But, like, sex is filled with.
[68:02]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[68:03]
Pete Holmes
All. Everything's all mixed up.
[68:05]
Cat Bird
It's all mixed up.
[68:06]
Pete Holmes
Humans are mixed. We're like. It's all.
[68:08]
Cat Bird
We're lava lamps of weird stuff.
[68:10]
Pete Holmes
That's what I'm saying. And we don't trust something that's just bright.
[68:14]
Cat Bird
I can't.
[68:15]
Pete Holmes
We want bright and a little dark and A little weird and a little funk and all this stuff. And the store having my home run derby local room. The main room right next to my. Oh, I'm not shit room. The original room.
[68:31]
Cat Bird
The grotto of.
[68:33]
Pete Holmes
It's the grotto.
[68:34]
Cat Bird
It really is.
[68:35]
Pete Holmes
It's where you go to take a break from the orgy.
[68:37]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[68:37]
Pete Holmes
Orgy is the main room. And then you're like, I'm gonna go lay by the grotto for a while.
[68:41]
Cat Bird
While.
[68:41]
Pete Holmes
Just let everyone look at my flaccid wanger. Just look at it. Look at it. Tag me naked.
[68:49]
Cat Bird
Let's get the lights all the way on here.
[68:50]
Pete Holmes
It's a grotto, but there's something. The whole picture is there. Then there's the belly room, which is like the clubhouse.
[68:58]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[68:58]
Pete Holmes
You know, it's like the secret space.
[69:00]
Cat Bird
This little nest of a workshop space.
[69:02]
Pete Holmes
And it's like, it's a little safer, right? I mean, it feels a little cozy. Has its own entrance.
[69:07]
Cat Bird
Yeah. There is a little safety up there. You're like, oh, it's.
[69:10]
Pete Holmes
We love attics.
[69:11]
Cat Bird
It's cute.
[69:12]
Pete Holmes
We love basements. We love attics. Not in houses, but in common grotto.
[69:15]
Cat Bird
We're like, I guess I'll go, bro.
[69:19]
Pete Holmes
Okay. The original room is on the same level as the main room, I guess. It doesn't feel like it is, though. The original room feels like it's descended a little bit. And the original room is like, you shouldn't be able to see where you want to be, which is the street when you're performing. No, like, in the street, you're like,
[69:38]
Cat Bird
this doesn't go, oh, well, I'm out there. And it's. You know, it's so wild to be. Because I feel that every time I step on the original room, I feel this intense energy. This, like, pressure cooker. But it's crazy when I see you or I see these, like, comedians that I truly look up to, and they had that same perception of, like, that room where they feel.
[70:01]
Pete Holmes
Oh, yeah.
[70:02]
Cat Bird
This sense.
[70:02]
Pete Holmes
I thought you were gonna say. And they murder. I was like, I've never seen anyone do.
[70:06]
Cat Bird
Well, it's. No, it's. It's. It's. It's. It's energetically. It's like such a. I'm telling you,
[70:11]
Pete Holmes
get the ghost hunters on it.
[70:13]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[70:14]
Pete Holmes
The whole place is supposed to be haunted.
[70:15]
Cat Bird
It's. It's. Yeah.
[70:16]
Pete Holmes
But whatever's haunting, it lives in that room.
[70:18]
Cat Bird
Uhhuh. I think so. I mean, it. It crawls.
[70:23]
Pete Holmes
It. It's rough. It is rough and necessary. I don't mean to be that old school. Like, I feel like Mitzi and old show business. Not that that's that old, but, like, older show business had that appreciation for, like, you need to take your hits. You know what I mean? Yeah.
[70:37]
Cat Bird
And that is.
[70:39]
Pete Holmes
Well, you see the comics that don't get hit in the face enough. I, I, that's. That's weird for me to judge. I'm just saying, like, when I. It's like a person. If I'm being honest, I prefer my people traumatized.
[70:51]
Cat Bird
I, I agree. I'm like, what are we gonna. What are we gonna relate to?
[70:55]
Pete Holmes
What are we gonna talk about?
[70:57]
Cat Bird
Are we gonna talk about it? Because I've had a weird life.
[71:00]
Pete Holmes
That's right.
[71:00]
Cat Bird
And it's. It's.
[71:02]
Pete Holmes
I mean, or even people in their 20s that don't know they were traumatized, that's. They haven't figured it out.
[71:06]
Cat Bird
They haven't figured it out.
[71:07]
Pete Holmes
They're just whistling and chewing Hubba Bubba.
[71:09]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Then they get to the original room, and they're like, something's up, Something's up.
[71:13]
Pete Holmes
Is this my drama?
[71:15]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Yeah.
[71:15]
Pete Holmes
Just being in the audience. What were you gonna say? Sorry. I said I prefer my human traumatized, which, which is a generalization, but yes.
[71:23]
Cat Bird
Yeah, I, I am. Oh. I don't actually remember what I was.
[71:26]
Pete Holmes
What are we gonna bond about? I guess I'll say this because I think it's brilliant. It's Alain Dubouton. I always say it wrong and stupid, but he says, when you go on a date and you don't feel that spark, it's because your wounds aren't aligning. Isn't that right? Like, Valerie and I's wounds line up. It's like a plateau. It's exactly one for one. So we understand each other's pains.
[71:50]
Cat Bird
That's interesting.
[71:51]
Pete Holmes
So when I'm in, like, a dark way, I had a bad phone call home yesterday. And people wouldn't know that, but Valerie came in and, you know, there's parenting stuff to do, there's house things. It's a Sunday afternoon. She's like, if you want to go to the movies or something, you can. And anyone else who doesn't understand your language would be like, you had a phone call. Fucking get over it. And I'm just like, no, I was in a portal to Valhalla.
[72:19]
Cat Bird
Valhalla.
[72:20]
Pete Holmes
Valhalla. So wounds lining up is. Is good relationship advice.
[72:25]
Cat Bird
Absolutely. And, like, having that understanding of someone's just, you know, energetically to be, like, nothing. No judgment.
[72:33]
Pete Holmes
Yes.
[72:33]
Cat Bird
Do you?
[72:34]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, it's like, I know what that feels like. Well, comics have that.
[72:37]
Cat Bird
We do.
[72:37]
Pete Holmes
Like, if I watch you eat shit or if you watch me eat shit, we know what that feels like. And there's, you know, when you kind of like, you don't really look at them, you kind of give them a little space. It's out of respect. You kind of.
[72:47]
Cat Bird
It's out of respect. It's worse if you're like, hey, buddy, good job. I'm like, why don't you. Don't.
[72:51]
Pete Holmes
Don't do the side hug. Don't. We've all been there. It's actually just be another heartbeat near
[72:57]
Cat Bird
me and let me exit and let
[73:00]
Pete Holmes
me leave with dignity.
[73:01]
Cat Bird
Let me just leave.
[73:02]
Pete Holmes
Let me go.
[73:03]
Cat Bird
Let me go to my car and rethink.
[73:05]
Pete Holmes
Because we know there's no cure. Except time.
[73:07]
Cat Bird
Except time.
[73:08]
Pete Holmes
Like some sleep and a good set,
[73:10]
Cat Bird
Really a good set to get you back.
[73:12]
Pete Holmes
You just need a good one to get. Get it back. It's 2026 and like so many people, I love shopping from home. I don't understand why you can buy groceries, furniture, basically everything without leaving the house. But for some reason you have to drive around all day and go from store to store if you want to get blinds, especially when three day blinds can bring the showroom to you. Their local design consultants at three day blinds, which is a game changer, comes to your house, helps you choose what actually looks right in your space, not just guesswork in a store. They are there and they know and they give you a free no obligation quote the very same day. Then they handle the measuring and the installation too, which is great for me because that's not something I should be trusted with. I'm also one of these people who likes to sleep in a really, really dark room. And blackout curtains are an absolute game changer. We also have a little movie room. It's not fancy, but we need it at dark. This is where three day blinds comes in. I'm surprisingly passionate about it and so are they. And right now you can get quality window treatments that fit your budget with three day blinds. Head to three day blinds.com weird for their buy one, get one 50% off deal on custom blinds, shades and drapery for a free no charge, no obligation consultation. Just head to 3dayblinds.com weird one last time. That's buy one get one 50% off when you head to the number 3D a Y blinds.com weird.
[74:35]
Cat Bird
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[75:30]
Pete Holmes
It's the Priceline negotiator. How do I negotiate so many great travel deals? My greatest gadget, the Priceline app. It's got hotel deal, flight deals, rental car deals, all of those deals in a bundle deals, game day deals, concert trip deals. No one deals more deals than Priceline. Hold your horses, there's more. The app lets you filter hotels by neighborhood vibe, star level, and amenities like pools and spas and beach fronts and. Wait, I'm not done. Stop cutting me up.
[75:58]
Cat Bird
Priceline.
[76:00]
Pete Holmes
Okay.
[76:01]
Cat Bird
No, no, I was just gonna say that the trauma thing's really interesting to me because it's like you do meet people that are so in line with that space and. But I. I have found in comedy that it can. I'm with so many of my friends are comedians and it can be kind of harsh sometimes. Like, I had something happen to me yesterday where I'm like, okay, this is not great, but it. When I'm talking to comics, it feels very desensitized at times where they're like, you know, whatever.
[76:30]
Pete Holmes
You mean talking about life traumas?
[76:32]
Cat Bird
Well, well, yes. Okay. Well, I don't know. But yesterday. So I'm a door guy. Yes, basically, you're a door guy. I am a door guy. And I had my evaluation yesterday and they told me that I had graduated the door guy program. Oh. But I'm not the gp. Yeah. The dgp. Yeah.
[76:52]
Pete Holmes
You checked it?
[76:53]
Cat Bird
I checked it. I got the dgp.
[76:55]
Pete Holmes
Okay.
[76:56]
Cat Bird
But I'm not passed yet. So now I'm just back in development. So it was like this.
[77:01]
Pete Holmes
We forgot. Yeah, I don't. I'm not familiar with all this. So when you go to the store. Yeah, Actually had a friend just tell me, Alistair, who did the podcast. Oh, yeah, he's amazing.
[77:11]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[77:11]
Pete Holmes
He's like, hey, how do I. How do I get on at the store? And I realized I don't know. So what is this?
[77:16]
Cat Bird
Okay, so the door guy stuff is
[77:18]
Pete Holmes
like, you started door guy.
[77:19]
Cat Bird
You start as door guy, but you audition. You do lots of sets in the original room for the booker. She sees that you're. Or they see that you. You've got potential.
[77:26]
Pete Holmes
And then again, you're auditioning in.
[77:29]
Cat Bird
Oh, this is brutal. It is brutal.
[77:31]
Pete Holmes
It is, though.
[77:31]
Cat Bird
It is.
[77:32]
Pete Holmes
Nobody wants an audition from the Ice House.
[77:34]
Cat Bird
Nobody. Like, oh, I got. I got it. And so you audition. You for three minute sets.
[77:41]
Pete Holmes
What was your first one like? Were you freaking out?
[77:43]
Cat Bird
Freaking. I.
[77:44]
Pete Holmes
Are you freaking out?
[77:45]
Cat Bird
Freaking out? I. I. Freaking out. I can't even say. I mean, silence. It was silent.
[77:51]
Pete Holmes
Oh, you bombed.
[77:51]
Cat Bird
Bombed. Three minutes. Bomb silence.
[77:55]
Pete Holmes
If I had to do three minutes, there's nothing I could do.
[77:58]
Cat Bird
I didn't act out of a tooth.
[78:00]
Pete Holmes
What?
[78:00]
Cat Bird
That's how I didn't act out of a tooth.
[78:03]
Pete Holmes
You were like, you ever feel like your wisdom tooth? You're, like, late to the party. And they're like, hey, guys, I'm in the mouth now, too. And they're like, all right. He's like, I have wisdom for you. He's got a big head.
[78:15]
Cat Bird
Isn't that smart?
[78:16]
Pete Holmes
Okay, I'm sorry. The wisdom. Do this here. We've been here since the beginning. Yeah, so have I. Just up. Up in the gums. Isn't that weird? We were all there. No, I hated it. What was your act? Out of a tooth.
[78:28]
Cat Bird
I just stood there and went with a brush.
[78:32]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, I don't. What was the setup?
[78:35]
Cat Bird
I mean, there wasn't.
[78:37]
Pete Holmes
There wasn't me trying. Ernest, what was the. Like, what was the setup? No, I'm positive you had something.
[78:44]
Cat Bird
There was a little bit more of, like, my. My ex was telling me. Don't. He was Scottish, so he's like, don't you hate when you forget to brush a tooth? That was probably very distracting.
[78:57]
Pete Holmes
Distracting?
[78:58]
Cat Bird
Yeah. I mean, the accent.
[78:59]
Pete Holmes
Hilarious.
[79:01]
Cat Bird
And then. And then it was quiet, so that was my first impression of the original room. Just a silence that.
[79:07]
Pete Holmes
Don't you hate to brush her. Forget to brush her teeth?
[79:11]
Cat Bird
Forget to brush her teeth. Teeth.
[79:13]
Pete Holmes
Forget. Forget to brush her teeth. No, I. I. Scottish. What do they say? Scottish.
[79:26]
Cat Bird
Scottish. Without. See us as England. Oh, yeah. We don't get into that.
[79:31]
Pete Holmes
Wait, they don't like England. We hate those sheep shaggers.
[79:35]
Cat Bird
Exactly. No, that's whales.
[79:37]
Pete Holmes
Wales. Let me just say, with all Respect. Ain't nobody here know what Wales is. No one knows there's England.
[79:44]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[79:45]
Pete Holmes
And some English people are Welsh, but it's not because they live in Wales. They live in England.
[79:50]
Cat Bird
They do live in England. And you can bring that. Yeah. The way
[79:56]
Pete Holmes
of the Welch.
[79:57]
Cat Bird
Have you seen. Well, there is a written language that's Welsh.
[80:01]
Pete Holmes
Oh, does it look like the Lord of the Rings language? Like the triple dots over now it's wild.
[80:07]
Cat Bird
And I, I, I've been to Wales.
[80:08]
Pete Holmes
Like the Predator sniper sites. Over and out.
[80:12]
Cat Bird
What is this? Yeah, yeah. It's a weird. It's a weird, strange thing.
[80:16]
Pete Holmes
I believe it and I love it. Okay. We were on the. Oh, you're telling me you go to the door guy program. So you were your. Did you like lose sleep over that first set?
[80:25]
Cat Bird
Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[80:27]
Pete Holmes
That's a whole part of stand up that I think is underreported. The lack of sleep and you can't eat.
[80:33]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[80:34]
Pete Holmes
Like, what do you do? And it's three minutes. When you look at the percentage of your day that you're worrying about, your
[80:39]
Cat Bird
whole day is put into this three minutes. And then you don't sleep.
[80:43]
Pete Holmes
And then you. And then it doesn't go well. You're like, don't you hate it to brush your teeth? And no one laughs. And you're like, I've been thinking about this moment all day. That's what makes it funny is you're like, I thought you would love. Don't you forget, don't you hate it? And they don't like it.
[81:06]
Cat Bird
It's almost funnier if you just be honest in that moment of being like, I haven't shit for the past two days.
[81:13]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, I know.
[81:14]
Cat Bird
Because I've been doing this bit.
[81:15]
Pete Holmes
Well, honestly, that's the sort of stuff that is hard earned is, Is realizing even if you tried that too early, it wouldn't work because you have to. It's like a cop telling you to stop doing what you're doing. But you see as a gun. Yeah, but he's just telling you stop.
[81:32]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[81:33]
Pete Holmes
And you do. Yeah, because you see as a gun.
[81:35]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[81:35]
Pete Holmes
So the gun is like your act. You do have something good.
[81:37]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[81:38]
Pete Holmes
So you do something, it doesn't really work. And you keep going like, well, that doesn't work. I've been, I couldn't shit for three days. And it works because they know you, like, you have the confidence of someone who must have something good to say after this. But if you don't and you on yourself, then your next joke is just as good as the first one. And now you're back. You know what I mean? Like, you've had the swagger without the songs.
[81:58]
Cat Bird
Oh, you're going all swagger. You're going in all swagger.
[82:03]
Pete Holmes
Prep v swagger, bro. Although I imagine you have good, good bits. So you could. You could have just on yourself.
[82:09]
Cat Bird
I think I could bounce back now. But you're right. I mean, in that space of doing the tooth in the Scottish accent, I was like, this is all I got in my arsenal.
[82:16]
Pete Holmes
I know.
[82:17]
Cat Bird
And now I just gotta weight it down.
[82:18]
Pete Holmes
I know, but these are the lumps.
[82:20]
Cat Bird
These are the lumps.
[82:21]
Pete Holmes
So then you literally are a door person. This is why I see you there. I'm very confused at this store. I know. I see people and I go, hello, why are we all here? People hanging out and it's very nice. I love it. There's people parking your cars. Is that part of it?
[82:35]
Cat Bird
I think so. For you, for sure. Because you're a paid regular, so.
[82:38]
Pete Holmes
But I mean, like the valets are also comics as well. What?
[82:40]
Cat Bird
I mean.
[82:40]
Pete Holmes
Yes.
[82:40]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[82:41]
Pete Holmes
So they're working there.
[82:42]
Cat Bird
They're working the lot.
[82:43]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. And then they're parking maniscalco. They're parking. Don't scrape maniscalco.
[82:49]
Cat Bird
Oh, God.
[82:50]
Pete Holmes
Can you imagine?
[82:51]
Cat Bird
No.
[82:51]
Pete Holmes
What the is this? You scrape my maniscalco. He calls it that. Can you imagine the sheer terror, the clammy handed terror of valet parking Sebastian's car in the tiniest lot? And you also have a set that night at 1am yeah. You're nervous each way and you're trying to. And it's got all the sensors. With respect, you don't drive a car with 90 sensors. And it's his voice. You got five feet behind you and you're like, oh, geez, he's got his own voice. That it's a fucking unfair thing to do to a person Here. Park Jay Leno's fucking whatever. Whatever.
[83:32]
Cat Bird
He's doing a motorcycle these days. You just use your feet. I just drove the little Fiat. I did the Fiat.
[83:40]
Pete Holmes
I drive my Fiat a little easy. Easy parking. You should only have to pay half the quarter to park a Fiat. I'm trying to do them. Go on.
[83:51]
Cat Bird
Oh. Anyway.
[83:52]
Pete Holmes
Oh. You get past door, but you're still in development, which means they're still. They still got their eye on you.
[83:57]
Cat Bird
Yeah. And you. I always say it's usually door guy. And then you get to be passed. You get to be you. And then it's like you get all these cool spots. So now I'm.
[84:06]
Pete Holmes
You do. Like, if you're past, do you get the spots?
[84:10]
Cat Bird
No. But you get spots.
[84:11]
Pete Holmes
This is a genuine question. I'm like, I wonder if it's, like, almost better to be the door guy, because then you're around.
[84:18]
Cat Bird
Yeah, it is.
[84:18]
Pete Holmes
And then you got passed. And then they're like, okay, we'll give you spots, but you don't get the spots. And now you're. Now you're just hanging around.
[84:24]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[84:24]
Pete Holmes
Which you kind of should, but it's also like.
[84:27]
Cat Bird
But you don't have the. Yeah, yeah.
[84:29]
Pete Holmes
You're parking Sebastian's car. I just. Okay. Yeah, but they're okay. They're gonna keep their eye on you. It's funny you mentioned the Odyssey and all of these myths and all these things. Always have that, like, incubation period, like, you want to marry my daughter? Like, you have to work for me for seven years. That's not just the Bible. That's in all sorts of myths. There's this idea, the king will let you marry his daughter, but first you must. These trials. Yes. The classic.
[84:57]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[84:57]
Pete Holmes
And I do think one of the things that makes stand up. We won't go on and on. Maybe we've already gone too long, because standups do love talking about themselves and their own craft and all that. But, like, I think one of the things we're missing or hungry for is that sort of system. An initiation system.
[85:15]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[85:15]
Pete Holmes
I bet the military, there's probably an abundance of that. You know, there's the ranks and the training, the process. I'm not saying stand up's like military. I'm just saying there are certain things that let you know where you are in a process. And part of it, like, kimchi is being buried and just, like, waiting for something to happen. And it's lonely and it's hard, and they go like, yeah, we've all done that. And then when you do get past, you get to be with the other kimchis. And we're like, remember when we were buried?
[85:40]
Cat Bird
I remember when her. Wait, she said Kimchi?
[85:42]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[85:43]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[85:43]
Pete Holmes
Wait, who's Kimchi Kim?
[85:44]
Cat Bird
She's.
[85:45]
Pete Holmes
I. No, I know, but what celebrity?
[85:46]
Cat Bird
Oh, Kimchi's the drag queen.
[85:48]
Pete Holmes
Is there a Kim Kim?
[85:50]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[85:52]
Pete Holmes
Wow.
[85:52]
Cat Bird
I know. But I do love fermented cabbage. Is that what we're at?
[85:56]
Pete Holmes
Eat it every day.
[85:57]
Cat Bird
I eat. Do you really?
[85:58]
Pete Holmes
I do. Get it.
[85:59]
Cat Bird
Yeah. You got to do it.
[86:00]
Pete Holmes
Get it going.
[86:01]
Cat Bird
Get it going.
[86:02]
Pete Holmes
Okay, so. Well, Godspeed with that.
[86:04]
Cat Bird
Thank you.
[86:04]
Pete Holmes
You were also telling me about how you got into Cheffrey oh, yeah, you were washing dishes and I told you that's what Anthony Bourdain also did.
[86:13]
Cat Bird
Well, it is interesting that you even. You talk about the ranking system because the kitchen is.
[86:18]
Pete Holmes
There you go.
[86:18]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[86:19]
Pete Holmes
Yes. They want you. It's right there.
[86:22]
Cat Bird
It's all of it. Like, that's the whole, the, that whole kind of military style system is very much embedded in the, and even the
[86:29]
Pete Holmes
hazing, which I've never been a huge fan of. But there is something about like when you were hazed. God, I don't know how I feel about this. But then you become the hazer.
[86:40]
Cat Bird
I know it's a bully versus, but, but there is. I understand what you're saying.
[86:43]
Pete Holmes
It does evolve that we hate. We, we tease. I don't know, we don't tease anymore. Really.
[86:48]
Cat Bird
There is this like, I never saw
[86:50]
Pete Holmes
you and going like, cat Bird, Cat bird.
[86:52]
Cat Bird
Like that's.
[86:53]
Pete Holmes
I feel like that's what we would have done in like 2004. Oh, here comes cat bird. She's gonna cook up some jokes. I don't know what they would have
[87:01]
Cat Bird
said, but it's all very, there's nothing like direct. They're just like, oh, here she comes.
[87:05]
Pete Holmes
I don't know what people used to say. It was awful.
[87:08]
Cat Bird
I, I mean, I definitely think there was more of like a, a teasing culture. And I, I'm curious what this, the Tony movie was like, cuz I'm sure that was.
[87:17]
Pete Holmes
There's a lot of, that.
[87:17]
Cat Bird
There's a lot of brutality and there's a lot of.
[87:20]
Pete Holmes
Well, it is the 70s. I bet they toned it down even, but maybe not, I don't know. But like, I have to imagine if you had raw footage of any chef in the 70s, you would not like that person. You would just be like, oh, I'm missing something.
[87:36]
Cat Bird
We gotta burn this.
[87:37]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, get rid of this.
[87:39]
Cat Bird
Get rid of the evidence.
[87:40]
Pete Holmes
Yes. But you started dishwashing.
[87:44]
Cat Bird
I started as a dishwasher and then I tried to.
[87:47]
Pete Holmes
How did you get that job?
[87:48]
Cat Bird
I just. They needed, they needed. They call it a kitchen porter and then they needed someone. And I liked to cook, I liked to eat. Because when I did my.
[87:57]
Pete Holmes
You were going in the long game, yeah, I'll do this. But it's an entry. So was it like hard to get the job or was it like every movie where they throw an apron at you?
[88:05]
Cat Bird
Basically, it was a little bit more like that. They like, they, they, they interviewed me, but it wasn't like anything extensive. But I'm kind of just one of Those. I mean, my brain is just a lot. I've just. I've always been a very curious person. So it's like, stop it up. Yeah, I stopped it all up.
[88:22]
Pete Holmes
And they knew when they interviewed you, they were asking, asking, are you doing this to just make money or do you want to be a chef?
[88:28]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[88:28]
Pete Holmes
Is that what they were asking?
[88:29]
Cat Bird
Pretty much.
[88:30]
Pete Holmes
Oh, okay, good.
[88:30]
Cat Bird
Yeah. And I said, yeah, I wanna. I want the pipeline. I want to do, like the next step and the next step. And then so I did the dishes for a little bit. I was pretty quick. And the other dishwasher, he was a Sherpa. Can I say that?
[88:44]
Pete Holmes
He.
[88:45]
Cat Bird
But he was like, yeah, yeah, Sherpa. He.
[88:47]
Pete Holmes
And I do know.
[88:48]
Cat Bird
You mean, you know, I don't know if that's like. Because he was really a Sherpa. He wasn't just like Nepalese. He was like, actually, like.
[88:54]
Pete Holmes
You know what? I think if you say Nepalese, you earned seven Sherpas.
[88:58]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[89:00]
Pete Holmes
Four more times.
[89:01]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[89:04]
Pete Holmes
Enjoy it. Savor it.
[89:05]
Cat Bird
But he was. His name was Sammy, and he would just. He was an amazing person. Anyway, he took the kitchen porter job, and then I got into be on the gar manger, which was the. The. The appetizers. And then I just did soups and sandwiches and afternoon tea because it was a British kitchen. And I'm so excited.
[89:23]
Pete Holmes
How long were you with the. Sammy, the Sherpa Sammy, the Sherpa appetizer duty, Sammy.
[89:29]
Cat Bird
Yeah. I was kitchen portering for about three months.
[89:34]
Pete Holmes
Okay.
[89:34]
Cat Bird
And then they popped me on the garbage. Yeah. I think Sammy got sick of me. I'll be honest. She's like, she's got a. I can take it away. He was a one man show. And I was just.
[89:43]
Pete Holmes
Oh, you were like, in the way.
[89:44]
Cat Bird
I think so.
[89:45]
Pete Holmes
Didn't Sammy the Sherpa want to be on appetizers?
[89:47]
Cat Bird
No, he purely dishwasher guy. He was climbing vents. Like, he was really just like, I got to clean the kitchen. That was his.
[89:54]
Pete Holmes
He just loved it.
[89:55]
Cat Bird
He.
[89:56]
Pete Holmes
For the love of the sponge.
[89:57]
Cat Bird
Loved it. For the love of the sponge.
[89:59]
Pete Holmes
And so some people, they interview and they're like, do you want to be in the pipeline? And they're like, no, man.
[90:02]
Cat Bird
No pipeline ends here.
[90:04]
Pete Holmes
I'm elbow Greek in the sink. I'm here to fucking sparkle.
[90:07]
Cat Bird
This is. That's all he did.
[90:09]
Pete Holmes
Wow.
[90:09]
Cat Bird
He loved.
[90:10]
Pete Holmes
Good for you. Because you could have been in competition.
[90:12]
Cat Bird
No, even if I was in competition, he would have won. Yeah, he was the guy.
[90:17]
Pete Holmes
He was the guy.
[90:18]
Cat Bird
He was the guy.
[90:18]
Pete Holmes
But you got to make these little appetizers now.
[90:21]
Cat Bird
I got to make these little cute little things.
[90:23]
Pete Holmes
Appetizers. I know, it's the worst.
[90:25]
Cat Bird
I had to. I did the appetizers. Or what are. That means a moose bouche. Means happy mouth. Oh, that's a. I think. Yeah. So, okay. Little like it. Little balls of duck balls.
[90:39]
Pete Holmes
And duck balls.
[90:40]
Cat Bird
Duck ball.
[90:45]
Pete Holmes
Little balls.
[90:45]
Cat Bird
Little duck balls. Little friends.
[90:47]
Pete Holmes
You happy mouth.
[90:48]
Cat Bird
Yeah, Happy mouth. Potato chips. I was a big fryer lady. They put me in charge of the fryer for a while. Big responsibility.
[90:55]
Pete Holmes
Any burns? Cuts?
[90:56]
Cat Bird
Oh, the worst. I can't feel this.
[91:00]
Pete Holmes
Just lost.
[91:01]
Cat Bird
Lost it from what? Filling a. I think it was a halibut. I had a really filleting. Filleting? Yeah.
[91:09]
Pete Holmes
Not filleting.
[91:10]
Cat Bird
I've always said filleting.
[91:12]
Pete Holmes
I'm loving this. Oh, no, no, Stop it.
[91:15]
Cat Bird
Is it, though?
[91:16]
Pete Holmes
No. You're a chef. If you were in that kitchen saying, I'm gonna fillet this, then that's what it is.
[91:21]
Cat Bird
No, but fill it. I'm gonna fill it. This. I would say fill it. I'm gonna fill it.
[91:26]
Pete Holmes
I'm gonna fill it.
[91:28]
Cat Bird
Yeah, but it sounds.
[91:29]
Pete Holmes
But this is when you realize you're, like, very charming, and I'm all filling it, and nobody wanted to have some filet. Chick fil It.
[91:39]
Cat Bird
Fill it.
[91:40]
Pete Holmes
You want to go to Chick fil it?
[91:41]
Cat Bird
Oh, my God. I've been saying it wrong my whole life.
[91:43]
Pete Holmes
Well, that's why Chick fil a spelled it fill A, because they didn't want people to go into chick fil it.
[91:50]
Cat Bird
I've been saying fill it. I'm gonna fill it. You know, now I'm understanding why I got bullied in the kitchen.
[91:56]
Pete Holmes
It's like I'm trying to think about Colbert.
[92:00]
Cat Bird
Colbert?
[92:00]
Pete Holmes
Like you'd say Colbert?
[92:03]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[92:04]
Pete Holmes
I'm not teasing. I mean, moments like this. So you fill it at a halibut.
[92:12]
Cat Bird
I fill it at a halibut.
[92:15]
Pete Holmes
Oh, no, that's not the clip, Jake. We're not clipping. I didn't know the word fileted. Filleted.
[92:25]
Cat Bird
I filleted it, chef. I'm gonna be filling it in the back.
[92:28]
Pete Holmes
You want me to fill it this?
[92:29]
Cat Bird
I'm gonna fill it.
[92:30]
Pete Holmes
What does it say about kitchen culture that they didn't. Five star Michelin restaurant. Nobody said filet.
[92:36]
Cat Bird
You know, it's up.
[92:37]
Pete Holmes
Wait, what? What do you. At McDonald's? What is the fish sandwich called?
[92:41]
Cat Bird
Chick fil A?
[92:41]
Pete Holmes
No, no, no. That's the restaurant. McDonald's.
[92:44]
Cat Bird
Oh, chick chicken.
[92:46]
Pete Holmes
It's filet.
[92:46]
Cat Bird
Of filet of fish.
[92:47]
Pete Holmes
But you wouldn't say filetta fish.
[92:50]
Cat Bird
Fillet. Fillet fish.
[92:51]
Pete Holmes
Fillet fish. I'll take the fillet fish. And they know. I bet at McDonald's you get a fillet fish three times a day.
[92:59]
Cat Bird
I think so.
[92:59]
Pete Holmes
I'll have the fillet fish.
[93:01]
Cat Bird
Yes, I think you're right.
[93:03]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. That's all right.
[93:04]
Cat Bird
I stand with fillet.
[93:05]
Pete Holmes
I said chunnel for the first 35 years of my life. 35 years. Instead of channel, I said chunnel. So everybody has their fillet. You said everybody's got their fillet. And it's millet. Not millay.
[93:17]
Cat Bird
Millet and millet.
[93:19]
Pete Holmes
Skillet. It's not a skillet. Skrillex.
[93:24]
Cat Bird
Skrillex.
[93:27]
Pete Holmes
Maybe it is the clip. I don't know. I don't know what the clip is.
[93:29]
Cat Bird
Yeah, I don't.
[93:31]
Pete Holmes
Okay, so. And burns.
[93:32]
Cat Bird
Oh, everywhere. Yeah, I got oil burns, and I got them all. I was. I mean, my mom, she was just. Just mortified by the cuts that I would have.
[93:43]
Pete Holmes
Really?
[93:43]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Because it wouldn't even if it was
[93:46]
Pete Holmes
my daughter, I'd just be like, what are you doing?
[93:48]
Cat Bird
What's happening?
[93:48]
Pete Holmes
We smoking cigarillos?
[93:50]
Cat Bird
I wasn't. I did not. I didn't smoke. I've never been a smoker. I've always wanted to be.
[93:54]
Pete Holmes
I don't. I know you, right? It's cool.
[93:57]
Cat Bird
It's cool.
[93:58]
Pete Holmes
And you're a chef.
[93:58]
Cat Bird
And you're like.
[93:59]
Pete Holmes
And you're that rush. Yeah. And you're rub with. With the cigarette here. And it's risky.
[94:06]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[94:07]
Pete Holmes
You could light on fire.
[94:08]
Cat Bird
There's, like, a little ash on the eyelash.
[94:09]
Pete Holmes
Of course, there's you. You don't care. And. Oh, you do this.
[94:13]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[94:14]
Pete Holmes
They're unfiltered, so you have to go. Yes, it's fire. Yeah, it's fire and smoke. You're a fucking dragon.
[94:22]
Cat Bird
You are.
[94:23]
Pete Holmes
You're a fucking dragon. I get it. And vape is not cool. You're like, I'm a dragon. It's like, shut up.
[94:29]
Cat Bird
You cannot be a dragon with a vape dragon. You can be a vape dragon.
[94:33]
Pete Holmes
Dragon.
[94:34]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[94:34]
Pete Holmes
You gotta be a fucking dragon. I want this. A vape that makes you go like this little.
[94:40]
Cat Bird
Yeah, little microchips in there. Was that a QR code I got in my mouth?
[94:46]
Pete Holmes
Just zeros and ones. You spit out a QR code. You scan it, and it's like real cigarettes. You fucking. I'm just kidding. Okay, so you didn't smoke. Yeah, because chefs, that's, like, part of it. Why?
[95:00]
Cat Bird
I don't.
[95:00]
Pete Holmes
Why is it so piratey?
[95:01]
Cat Bird
This is my number one problem with chefs smoking. It.
[95:05]
Pete Holmes
It ruins your palate. Singers, too.
[95:08]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[95:08]
Pete Holmes
Sinatra would be like, you know, three weeks before an album, I'd stop smoking. It's like singing every day. This the live audience gets. I get no kick from champagne. Like, what are we doing? And you. You're smoking. You're sending carbon monoxide over the thing that tastes the thing. And you got your little. Which is it? Which is it?
[95:32]
Cat Bird
Thank you.
[95:33]
Pete Holmes
It's like if there was something. If smoking deteriorated my sense of humor.
[95:37]
Cat Bird
Yes. I'm stopping three weeks before the special.
[95:40]
Pete Holmes
I gotta stop three weeks. And then I realize none of this is good. I should have not been smoking the whole time. Fucking dumb. Fucking dumb. Tattoos don't hurt your taste.
[95:52]
Cat Bird
Tattoos. I've got a fair share. I got this when I was in the kitchen.
[95:56]
Pete Holmes
Those are cigarettes.
[95:57]
Cat Bird
You want silence?
[95:57]
Pete Holmes
What's it say?
[95:58]
Cat Bird
It says silence.
[95:59]
Pete Holmes
Why?
[96:00]
Cat Bird
It was. It's kind of. This is the truth. I'm always very embarrassed by it because. Because I was in the kitchen, and it was very bullying. I was the only lady in the kitchen, and every day, I'd be like. They'd yell and all. But when I was chopping, I could see silence as, like, just focus. Just be in your own space. And it, like, put me in a positive. Just like a. I think that's crazy. You got it. But it feels. Yeah.
[96:27]
Pete Holmes
There's also.
[96:27]
Cat Bird
I'll.
[96:28]
Pete Holmes
I'll make it worse. There's the silence behind all the noise.
[96:30]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[96:31]
Pete Holmes
And you can tune into that, and you can recognize that, like, silence is kind of always here. It's the. It's the broth that everything else is popping up in.
[96:39]
Cat Bird
Absolutely.
[96:39]
Pete Holmes
And you can always find it. That's a beautiful tattoo.
[96:41]
Cat Bird
Oh, thank you.
[96:42]
Pete Holmes
Tattoo affirmed.
[96:43]
Cat Bird
I know. Well, you know. Yeah.
[96:45]
Pete Holmes
It could say live, laugh, love, cat.
[96:48]
Cat Bird
Well, it's funny. You should.
[96:52]
Pete Holmes
Nothing wrong with live lav love. When did live lav love become so world market?
[96:56]
Cat Bird
Well, Ojai must be filled. I mean, that's actually real.
[97:00]
Pete Holmes
Think the cat's out of the bag? I don't think you can say live, laugh, love anymore.
[97:03]
Cat Bird
Good.
[97:03]
Pete Holmes
Unless you're in a world market.
[97:04]
Cat Bird
Okay, good. Esther?
[97:07]
Pete Holmes
No, World market.
[97:08]
Cat Bird
Oh, world market. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
[97:10]
Pete Holmes
You go to a hobby lobby, you're going to see some live with an arrow.
[97:14]
Cat Bird
Huh? Oh, and like, a palm tree or something.
[97:17]
Pete Holmes
Maybe a palm tree.
[97:18]
Cat Bird
Yeah. I don't know why I. I mean, live, laugh love. Okay. If I do think those are all good things.
[97:26]
Pete Holmes
Do you think that Laugh, live, love. Laugh, love, live. It's got to be live. Live is first. Gotta be living a laugh.
[97:32]
Cat Bird
Living.
[97:33]
Pete Holmes
And you gotta be laughing to love. Do I love live, laugh, love. I've been putting it down. Wait.
[97:42]
Cat Bird
A single tear drops down to your eye.
[97:44]
Pete Holmes
There's wisdom there.
[97:45]
Cat Bird
I mean, there's something. Yeah.
[97:48]
Pete Holmes
So you're burning yourself, you're cutting yourself.
[97:50]
Cat Bird
Burning myself.
[97:51]
Pete Holmes
I was saying are things that are cigarette energy that aren't cigarettes, tattoos, having knives.
[97:56]
Cat Bird
Terrible relationship with your dad.
[97:58]
Pete Holmes
Awful relationship with dad. Was that common in the kitchen? Misfits.
[98:04]
Cat Bird
Misfits. Why.
[98:05]
Pete Holmes
Why do you guys want to be in the back and the.
[98:08]
Cat Bird
I think it's just like cuz you
[98:10]
Pete Holmes
don't want to be. Is it? Sorry, don't. You don't want to be front of house sitting waiters and then the idiots eating. You want to be the. The secret show.
[98:21]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[98:22]
Pete Holmes
You talent.
[98:23]
Cat Bird
You want to be the talent, but none of the talent is recognized that. That it is a. It's a selfless.
[98:29]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[98:31]
Cat Bird
Energy that you give. And I think that's. I mean, it's relentless. Yeah, it is relentless and thankless and
[98:38]
Pete Holmes
thankful nobody comes back and goes, that was great. They tell the waiter.
[98:42]
Cat Bird
No, totally.
[98:42]
Pete Holmes
That was great. And it's like, I just have a notebook.
[98:45]
Cat Bird
Yeah. You're like, it's okay. I just slaved away for hours.
[98:49]
Pete Holmes
And there is something really? You tell me. Like, you're making it. I think I feel the same way about comedy. I feel the same way about magic. I feel the same way about music. You're making it. Imagining someone else's experience. Like you're looking at like, which cut of this am I gonna use? And you're cooking it like, oh, that's gonna be a little crispy on the. And you're just thinking about someone else's. Yum. Yeah, it's dope.
[99:14]
Cat Bird
It is really cool. I've never actually thought about it like,
[99:17]
Pete Holmes
that you're cooking for someone else. It's like paternal, maternal.
[99:22]
Cat Bird
Yeah. You are absolutely envisioning what that person is going to be experiencing.
[99:27]
Pete Holmes
And that makes you happy.
[99:29]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[99:29]
Pete Holmes
And then at the end of the day, is it true? Like, what are you eating at the end of the shift?
[99:33]
Cat Bird
Nothing.
[99:33]
Pete Holmes
Nothing. Chefs aren't eating.
[99:35]
Cat Bird
I was so. I. I kid you not. I was. Was probably £15 skinnier than I was. The skinniest I'd ever been.
[99:42]
Pete Holmes
Bail. Machinist.
[99:43]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Whoa. I was tiny. Tiny. The chef got mad at me because I wasn't eating, but I was so Stressed out. And I was so sleepy because of
[99:51]
Pete Holmes
the rush and stuff.
[99:52]
Cat Bird
Yeah. It was just. He would kick you out of the kitchen right before the lunch service or the dinner service, and they'd force you to go downstairs to eat. But you're just so, like, the cortisol spike is just so intense.
[100:02]
Pete Holmes
It's like eating before a show.
[100:04]
Cat Bird
Yeah. You know, and some people can do it.
[100:06]
Pete Holmes
It took me. It took me a long time to be able to do it.
[100:09]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[100:09]
Pete Holmes
And now I have to do it.
[100:10]
Cat Bird
Now you got to do it, which is great.
[100:12]
Pete Holmes
Well, you want it. You. My writer is Cornflakes. I literally want it. Like, just simple carbohydrates.
[100:17]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Simple Something in your belly. You're like, I don't need a curry. We just keep it. No curry in the grinder.
[100:23]
Pete Holmes
Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Oh, gosh, I love a spicy.
[100:26]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[100:27]
Pete Holmes
Okay, keep going.
[100:28]
Cat Bird
I'll tell you one thing about the. The. So when I got to a three Michelin star, I went to a three Michelin star in London, and the chef was a piece of work. His name was Jean Filet Blondet. Swear to God.
[100:42]
Pete Holmes
That sounds like. Was he wearing a fake mustache and, like, a fedora? Oh, I mean, my name is. What he's trying to get in a nudie movie. He's like, I don't need your name, pal. Oh, I can't wait for an erection in here. Trying to be normal.
[101:05]
Cat Bird
Just relax.
[101:06]
Pete Holmes
Okay, so he. JonBenet Ramsey.
[101:09]
Cat Bird
JonBenet Ramsey.
[101:10]
Pete Holmes
What's your chef?
[101:11]
Cat Bird
He was the head chef. And what he would do, he was like the. The ultimate bully because you're basically submissive as these chefs, these, like, working chefs, until you become a head chef. And then that's where all of this. You know, where you were, I think, as. When you're just a working. Call me chef. You know, it's thankless. You're exhausted. There's all this work that goes into. No one sees you, but then you get to be a head chef. And that's where those. Like this crazy ego and pride. And I've seen it crush people.
[101:43]
Pete Holmes
Destroy their souls.
[101:44]
Cat Bird
Destroy it.
[101:45]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[101:45]
Cat Bird
And. And then so what he does. What he did was he would pick chefs in the kitchen, and then it'd be like two or three. And those are the sous chefs. And then they'd sit around the table while we were all slaving away in the. In the hot kitchen, and they would eat, like, a glorious meal. I swear to God.
[102:05]
Pete Holmes
His favorites.
[102:06]
Cat Bird
All of his favorites, he would pick them like a king. Like, it I.
[102:11]
Pete Holmes
You.
[102:11]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[102:12]
Pete Holmes
And then it'd go to you,
[102:15]
Cat Bird
and you're like, please.
[102:18]
Pete Holmes
And he'd give them a glorious meal.
[102:20]
Cat Bird
I'm talking like. Like, you know how you see that turkey? Like a glazed turkey basted with, like, all the garnishes. Exactly.
[102:28]
Pete Holmes
You can hear that when it tears away.
[102:30]
Cat Bird
And like, a. One of those old gravy wine glasses. Yeah.
[102:36]
Pete Holmes
Just to kind of go, this is what I do for my favorites.
[102:39]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[102:39]
Pete Holmes
Doesn't he want his favorites in the kitchen working?
[102:42]
Cat Bird
I mean, they were always bad. The favorites were never great, but they were just his favorites.
[102:46]
Pete Holmes
They were the sycophants. They would kiss his ass. Oh, man.
[102:50]
Cat Bird
So there was that. And it was so that it did feel like us. Like a serfdom. Like, it was like this weird.
[102:56]
Pete Holmes
Yep. I'm telling you, I don't know what to do. Like, when I watched the movie Whiplash. Have you seen Whiplash?
[103:03]
Cat Bird
I have. Yeah.
[103:03]
Pete Holmes
I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I know so much greatness does come from. And I. I do go to male initiation rights, which usually people just go like, well, that's awful. And I agree. A lot of them, by our modern Western eye, seem awful.
[103:19]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[103:20]
Pete Holmes
But we're also a culture that is, like, completely depraved in that men looking for meaning, men feeling like they've been included in the group, initiated.
[103:28]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[103:29]
Pete Holmes
Something to cross over into. And we don't. We just kind of like, our solution to the meanness of things is like, well, let's just not do that. And then it's like. And then we will continue to be replaced by the people who did do that. Like, you know what I mean?
[103:45]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[103:45]
Pete Holmes
Well, what I'm saying is, what's great about stand up is it just is mean. Just doing it as mean.
[103:51]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[103:51]
Pete Holmes
Like, just bombing. Even if the other comics weren't mean, even if the club owners weren't mean, the travel and the bombing and the. And the struggle is. Is baked into it. And I have to imagine that's true with cooking as well. But then you add on top of it, like, the personalities start to mirror the. The way it is, you know, and they start acting like the environment and. But that does sort of. On one hand, it does make a certain type of good comedian. And on the other hand, it completely eliminates a whole swath of comic and performer that just can't survive in that culture.
[104:24]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[104:24]
Pete Holmes
And then we end up in a. I'm gonna say monoculture. Couldn't wait.
[104:27]
Cat Bird
No, I can't wait.
[104:28]
Pete Holmes
We. I never. I don't think that's my first use.
[104:30]
Cat Bird
Say it again.
[104:31]
Pete Holmes
Of monoculture. We end up in a monoculture where it's like, these are the funny people. Yes. That could survive a certain type of social environment. A certain type of. Not just the people, but just the lifestyle. The nighttime of it, the moving around of it, the nightclub of it. The scariness of it.
[104:52]
Cat Bird
There's the survivors. It's really the survivors.
[104:55]
Pete Holmes
But then you go, like, that's what you know. And I'm picking him because I admire him so much. Like Chris Fleming. The miracle of Chris Fleming is. And Chris is a capable, strong person. I'm just saying, like, that's not. I'm looking at Gary Goleman, too. Gary looks huge, but he's a gentle heart. These are gentle hearts that are going around and, like, having to. I would. I would count myself in that group. That's kind of what Crashing was about. Was like, what is this? So there are people that push through, but there's fewer of them. I don't know. All I'm saying is I don't know what to do with the. The whiplash of it all. The. The meanness that. That can bring out a certain type of greatness. But then you said the Last Dance, and there's Phil Jackson's. I don't think he's yelling at Michael. They were, like, meditating and learning.
[105:44]
Cat Bird
Yeah, but you're right. There's like a. There is.
[105:46]
Pete Holmes
He's probably yelling at him, too.
[105:47]
Cat Bird
He probably is.
[105:48]
Pete Holmes
Come on, Michael.
[105:49]
Cat Bird
But in a mythical way. The Navajos.
[105:52]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, he was. Michael, you are what we call the tooth giver. Like, he had, like. Michael, don't be a tooth giver. Be. It's going to sound.
[106:03]
Cat Bird
Yeah, yeah. Don't be a tooth giver. Get inside the buffalo.
[106:06]
Pete Holmes
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you hate when you. Oh, that was the wrong accent. I was going for Scottish, and it came out a little Native American, and I'm backing away.
[106:13]
Cat Bird
Yeah, well, it was honest. No one would have known.
[106:15]
Pete Holmes
No, I came by it honestly.
[106:17]
Cat Bird
There you go. There you go.
[106:18]
Pete Holmes
Keep going.
[106:19]
Cat Bird
Yeah, I 100% agree on that one.
[106:22]
Pete Holmes
Do you think the meanness of that Chef de la Blondie, did that. Did that bolster your identity as the. One of the good chefs? That was it. Did it make you. I don't know. Did. Is there a positive to this?
[106:36]
Cat Bird
I think so. I think you. I think if you're strong, which I think all of us are in here in this world that we live in, it definitely tested my moral integrity and, like, who I wanted to be and, like, could I be great or good at what I want to do while keeping integrity, while keeping being a kind person or having a moral compass? And. And so, yeah, I do think that ultimately that was something I learned about myself, and it's something that I could be.
[107:10]
Pete Holmes
I'm sorry. Pilot. I'm sorry. Is Hulu watching? Like, what the fuck, dude?
[107:22]
Cat Bird
Come on.
[107:22]
Pete Holmes
The cat. Like, this is a great story. You're in the chef, and you're trying to keep your. Keep your compass.
[107:30]
Cat Bird
Keep my compass.
[107:31]
Pete Holmes
Okay. Hi. Look, we're pitching it to Hulu. There's a lot of great stories out there, but the great thing about cats is she lived it. She was a Michelin star chef. Moved up from dishwasher with a Sherpa.
[107:44]
Cat Bird
With a Sherpa.
[107:44]
Pete Holmes
And then she cut herself. She filleted a halibut. She can't feel her thumb. She didn't sell herself out. She didn't even smoke cigarettes.
[107:52]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[107:53]
Pete Holmes
They gasped, picked up Siciri's in the room. What do we call it?
[107:58]
Cat Bird
Live Laugh Love.
[107:59]
Pete Holmes
Is there already a show called yes. Shed Live Love. Is there already a show called yes.
[108:05]
Cat Bird
Yeah, there's gotta be. I mean, Gordon Ramsay probably has something all over him.
[108:10]
Pete Holmes
I mean, talk about there is the Disneyification. I, I, with respect, I'm terrified of Gordon Ramsay. I'm not dragging him. What's that?
[108:19]
Cat Bird
It's Martha Stewart.
[108:22]
Pete Holmes
What year?
[108:23]
Cat Bird
Oh, Jose. Yeah. Okay, Andreas.
[108:29]
Pete Holmes
And we can't call it. Yes, Chef.
[108:31]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[108:32]
Pete Holmes
And we're not going to call it, like, bird by bird or something. Yeah, I think you just call it Cat Bird. No, Chef Bird. Chef Bird. Chef Bird.
[108:41]
Cat Bird
Chef Bird. Chef Bird is on the pan. Chef Bird.
[108:45]
Pete Holmes
And the Emmy goes to Cat Bird for Chef Bird. And then they. And then they play the theme song, and it's like, It's the worst theme song. And you're like, I just want to thank vaping. And then you lose your soul.
[109:04]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[109:05]
Pete Holmes
Show business will take which what cooking couldn't.
[109:07]
Cat Bird
Oh, the irony of what was your
[109:09]
Pete Holmes
last shift as a chef?
[109:11]
Cat Bird
Oh, this is actually a pretty good little story. And, you know, I never talk about it in stand up. I just, I. I don't know why yet, but lewd. Yeah, it's too. So I just been promoted. I was on the garden at the three Michelin star. They put me onto the meat sauce, which is like kind of a big deal.
[109:29]
Pete Holmes
Right.
[109:30]
Cat Bird
And so. Yeah, it's like a red sauce. Yeah, yeah, it's like a. Yeah, exactly. Red.
[109:36]
Pete Holmes
Is that hard to do? I feel like that's like making a soup.
[109:39]
Cat Bird
Meat sauces.
[109:39]
Pete Holmes
I don't know. It seems like you throw it in there.
[109:42]
Cat Bird
Yeah, I mean, that's what I did, so.
[109:45]
Pete Holmes
But you're like, this is kind of a big deal. Yeah. I'm gonna let this simmer for 12 hours. Throwing whole things of garlic in there. It'll work itself out. Onions. Oh, my God. That's what it is. Does ratatouille bother you? You're like, come on, I love ratato. Okay, good. But like, he can't know.
[110:03]
Cat Bird
I know. It's so good.
[110:05]
Pete Holmes
You can't know that tastes good to a human palate. Your sense of smell is so much more intense.
[110:10]
Cat Bird
I know.
[110:11]
Pete Holmes
Would taste good to a rat. Would not taste good. This is not my hell to die on.
[110:14]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[110:14]
Pete Holmes
I don't care about this.
[110:16]
Cat Bird
But you're right.
[110:16]
Pete Holmes
But fine dining to a rat would be completely. This is my hot take. He would be like, this is delicious. Cause he would taste 15 layers in. And we're like, I need more.
[110:26]
Cat Bird
I know.
[110:26]
Pete Holmes
Would be salt in it.
[110:27]
Cat Bird
I. Exactly. But if that chef is smoking, maybe they do have the same palate.
[110:33]
Pete Holmes
Wait, if the rat is smoking.
[110:35]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[110:35]
Pete Holmes
Then what's good to him would be good to a non smoking human chef.
[110:39]
Cat Bird
There it is.
[110:39]
Pete Holmes
Luigi is set afterlife wise. The weirdest. Do you remember that part? Because my mom is dead, but she's in heaven, so she's good afterlife wise, one of the weirdest.
[110:52]
Cat Bird
What? Oh, I always.
[110:54]
Pete Holmes
I always like that. Made the script, but I love it. Wouldn't change it. Okay, so your last shift.
[111:00]
Cat Bird
Last shift. So on the meat sauce, I'm working with this guy. His name was Peter P. And what language is that? Douchebag language. He was a meanie. He was meanie. He called me a tampon string for two months.
[111:17]
Pete Holmes
Oh, the tampon string is here on the meat.
[111:20]
Cat Bird
I'm like, it's. It's cat.
[111:23]
Pete Holmes
I'm sorry. The. The punchlines are already here. It's cat. But yes, if you want to know, I'm on my period. There's a red sauce joke. We're both. We're both better than it.
[111:38]
Cat Bird
I just.
[111:38]
Pete Holmes
I don't know. I'm better than it. But I'm also not. Because I'm saying there's a red sauce, which is the joke. It is a good. And yes, there's a red sauce.
[111:46]
Cat Bird
There is a.
[111:47]
Pete Holmes
That might get grumpy.
[111:47]
Cat Bird
That's lewd. Is it?
[111:50]
Pete Holmes
No, it's not.
[111:51]
Cat Bird
Sorry. So I'm P. Is very. He's self. It's very cutthroat.
[111:57]
Pete Holmes
Right.
[111:57]
Cat Bird
Because you want to be the best chef in the kitchen, so you can be one of the chef's main guys. Right. That you can eat the turkey and.
[112:03]
Pete Holmes
Oh.
[112:04]
Cat Bird
So he keeps turning off my stove during the service. He's just doing these little things that are really. Yeah. I don't know. This was up to. That's like.
[112:12]
Pete Holmes
There was a comic who, when I was starting out, used to sit in the back row and talk loudly, and he knew we couldn't tell him to shut up. That's. That was our.
[112:20]
Cat Bird
That's what that is.
[112:22]
Pete Holmes
So he was turning our burners off.
[112:23]
Cat Bird
Yeah, he's turning your burners off.
[112:25]
Pete Holmes
Okay.
[112:25]
Cat Bird
Where's that guy now?
[112:26]
Pete Holmes
He's dead.
[112:27]
Cat Bird
Good. No, I'm just kidding. I have no idea who this is.
[112:30]
Pete Holmes
I don't know why I think you telepathically knew. I need to ask. Where's that guy now? Because I. I was so ready to be like, he's dead.
[112:37]
Cat Bird
He's dead. Yeah. Yeah. We need to know.
[112:39]
Pete Holmes
Rip, though, Justice. It's. I. I don't know why I'm so sensitive to every riff I have. I'm like, is that okay?
[112:45]
Cat Bird
Yeah, but keep going. But sometimes.
[112:46]
Pete Holmes
But they. They did pass away.
[112:47]
Cat Bird
I'm sorry.
[112:48]
Pete Holmes
I softened it.
[112:49]
Cat Bird
I'm sorry. I wonder if he's chatting in heaven. Good. Yeah. He kept turning off the stove, taking away my mise en place. Like, he'd throw it.
[113:00]
Pete Holmes
Your Christopher Mintz.
[113:01]
Cat Bird
Bl. Yes, Christopher Mintzbach.
[113:02]
Pete Holmes
He took away your McLovin.
[113:03]
Cat Bird
Uhhuh. He did. And your prep for the. For the meal. So it's like, if you have, like,
[113:09]
Pete Holmes
a little bowl of onions.
[113:10]
Cat Bird
A little bowl of onions.
[113:11]
Pete Holmes
Take it away.
[113:11]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Peas.
[113:13]
Pete Holmes
Take it away.
[113:13]
Cat Bird
Take it away. And then tell the chef that I wasn't on plus or on place, which means you don't have the she's not on place temple. Yeah.
[113:22]
Pete Holmes
Like a bowl of peas falls out of his apron. That is London, not me. Couldn't you just say he took it?
[113:35]
Cat Bird
No.
[113:35]
Pete Holmes
Why?
[113:36]
Cat Bird
Because you. Because it. You would be reprimanded.
[113:39]
Pete Holmes
You're dobbing.
[113:39]
Cat Bird
Yeah. You would have been reprimanded. They'd say, Katie, which wasn't even my name, but that was my name in the kitchen. Be like, katie, this is not appropriate. Like, they would.
[113:48]
Pete Holmes
It was always not a popularity contest.
[113:50]
Cat Bird
Yeah. It was always the person in charge, like you. You didn't have a voice.
[113:55]
Pete Holmes
Oh, he was above you.
[113:56]
Cat Bird
Above me.
[113:56]
Pete Holmes
He goes, look, she doesn't know they have Ali.
[113:58]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[113:58]
Pete Holmes
Garlic falls out of his head, and you can't go, he took it. And you have knives.
[114:05]
Cat Bird
I have not. Okay, so here. This is where it gets juicy. So after all this is going on, is he dead? Oh, I hope now everyone knows there's this one person. You know, there's this one person in your life that you're just like, God, they really get on your skin more than.
[114:22]
Pete Holmes
I still think about these people. It's really not happy to admit that. That I was thinking about somebody last night that I used to see. It doesn't matter, but they sometimes don't go away.
[114:31]
Cat Bird
I know. And he broke me in a way that was just like, so. And I think it was because you're so tired, because you're so worn out. You have. You're so underfed.
[114:39]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[114:40]
Cat Bird
You know, you're in your worst.
[114:41]
Pete Holmes
You don't even have the calories.
[114:43]
Cat Bird
You don't have the calories, but you just feel this here.
[114:46]
Pete Holmes
You dehydrate.
[114:47]
Cat Bird
Yeah, it's margarine. You're like, how did I get in there? But so basically, he. We were cooking the next day. Day for the Prince of Dubai. He was coming into the restaurant, so we needed to have all these pieces of venison ready. And he was in charge of the venison. And I had reached my point with him where this was, like, the hurt, the bullying had been going on for, like, weeks at this point where he's turning off my.
[115:10]
Pete Holmes
I'm sorry. Season finale.
[115:12]
Cat Bird
Yeah, yeah. He was turning off my burner. Taking away, like, throwing away my mise en place. Ratting me out on the. With the chef. So in my head, I was like, I'm done. I'm not coming back to this restaurant. I've had it. I.
[115:25]
Pete Holmes
Wait, you're quitting on Dubai night?
[115:27]
Cat Bird
No, no.
[115:27]
Pete Holmes
Dubai.
[115:28]
Cat Bird
Dubai. So it was the next night. So we had. The People had been prepping for weeks to get ready.
[115:36]
Pete Holmes
Wow.
[115:37]
Cat Bird
And in my head, I was like, this is it. This is my time. So everyone goes home that night. Right. I'm tampon. String me. I'm here.
[115:47]
Pete Holmes
My hand's going up. I don't have a question.
[115:50]
Cat Bird
Everyone's going home that night. I tell the chef I'm waiting because I have to clean my stove, and no reason. Yeah, yeah. Just. Just cleaning. I take all of his mise en, place all of the venison. Like, 300 pieces legitimately. The prince for the prince. Sorry about that, by the way.
[116:08]
Pete Holmes
He's doing fine.
[116:09]
Cat Bird
He's fine.
[116:09]
Pete Holmes
He's Prince and pretty sure he's homophobic. They always have a backup restaurant.
[116:13]
Cat Bird
Yeah, yeah, they'll be fine.
[116:14]
Pete Holmes
Was there a prank? I don't know why that voice. I did French. Was there a prank link? Okay. Second restaurant.
[116:21]
Cat Bird
Yeah. Yeah. So I get all the meat. I get all my knives, all my supplies. I wrap it up. I.
[116:28]
Pete Holmes
In what, an apron?
[116:29]
Cat Bird
Yeah, No, I have my little knife holder. I. My filling. My filling knife. My spoons. And you're unbearable.
[116:38]
Pete Holmes
My filletting knife.
[116:42]
Cat Bird
And I get all this. This 300 packets of venison that were going to the prince. I put them in my apron. I, like, carry it like a little satchel.
[116:51]
Pete Holmes
It's, like, uncooked.
[116:53]
Cat Bird
And then I bring it out. I walk out of this. Out of the little locker room, and I. This is. I go into the high. It's Hyde park, which is right there. And I give over Chicago. No, In. In London.
[117:08]
Pete Holmes
Oh, London.
[117:09]
Cat Bird
In London. And I. I start stealing.
[117:11]
Pete Holmes
So from Europe. Keep going.
[117:12]
Cat Bird
Giving away the meat to, like, there's, like, homeless people and stuff. And I'm like, listen, it's uncooked, so make sure you cook it. But I just give it away, and then I never come back.
[117:22]
Pete Holmes
My.
[117:23]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[117:23]
Pete Holmes
Season one. Season one, actually, with modern storytelling, this is actually going to be episode six out of ten.
[117:35]
Cat Bird
Oh, okay.
[117:37]
Pete Holmes
In the old days would save that. But now modern audiences, we need the big payoff.
[117:41]
Cat Bird
We need the big payoff.
[117:42]
Pete Holmes
So you're gonna be a dishwasher. Episode 1.
[117:44]
Cat Bird
Yep.
[117:45]
Pete Holmes
2. Maybe the end of the pilot.
[117:48]
Cat Bird
I get the tatted.
[117:50]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Tattoo. Ooh, tattoo. Feels like a season one end.
[117:53]
Cat Bird
Season one end.
[117:54]
Pete Holmes
Or maybe. No, you have to get it while you're in the kitchen. Anyway, that's gonna be a big episode. The venison episode.
[117:59]
Cat Bird
The venison.
[118:00]
Pete Holmes
Then it becomes part of the vernacular. It's like, got to hand out that venison.
[118:03]
Cat Bird
We got to hand out.
[118:04]
Pete Holmes
He's like, stop taking that.
[118:06]
Cat Bird
Stop taking that.
[118:07]
Pete Holmes
Go hand out that venison.
[118:08]
Cat Bird
Go hand it out.
[118:09]
Pete Holmes
And you never went back?
[118:10]
Cat Bird
Never couldn't.
[118:12]
Pete Holmes
And the unhoused of London got all the.
[118:16]
Cat Bird
The. The. The Prince of Dubai's meat.
[118:19]
Pete Holmes
Did you tell them this was going to be for a prince?
[118:21]
Cat Bird
I think there wasn't a lot of chat. There wasn't a lot of chat. I was just like, make sure you cook it. But. Which. I don't know if they did, but I hope they.
[118:29]
Pete Holmes
I mean, I imagine the print of Dubai's venison was. What is it called?
[118:36]
Cat Bird
Tartare quality Grade A. It was. It Was. It was really good.
[118:39]
Pete Holmes
So some of those people had the best raw meat experience of their lives. And some of them are dead. I'm gonna be real. You killed. You killed every third person. So it's a mixed story. What a fantastic tale.
[118:59]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[119:00]
Pete Holmes
Okay. Wow. Okay. We're almost out of time.
[119:02]
Cat Bird
Okay.
[119:02]
Pete Holmes
Nobody cares. Nobody cares about what time it is.
[119:05]
Cat Bird
I know.
[119:06]
Pete Holmes
It's not even the time. It is now when they're listening.
[119:09]
Cat Bird
Oh, yeah, you're right. You're right. No one actually knows.
[119:12]
Pete Holmes
What time is it there? They can't answer.
[119:14]
Cat Bird
They don't know.
[119:15]
Pete Holmes
They don't even know.
[119:16]
Cat Bird
They don't know what time it is.
[119:18]
Pete Holmes
Let me. We've been doing this. We don't have to. But do you have a feeling about the meaning of life? Seems like you're trying to be a kind person.
[119:27]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[119:28]
Pete Holmes
Dalai Lama. The meaning of life or his religion is kindness.
[119:32]
Cat Bird
That is it. Yeah, that is it.
[119:34]
Pete Holmes
Oh, nice.
[119:35]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[119:35]
Pete Holmes
I think it led you right to it. I handed you the venison. I wish I could have said this.
[119:41]
Cat Bird
I hope it doesn't kill me.
[119:42]
Pete Holmes
Yeah. Piet's face. That fucking tamboni string.
[119:46]
Cat Bird
A temple string Chef.
[119:47]
Pete Holmes
None of them had your number.
[119:49]
Cat Bird
None. Oh, no, they did. They had my number. I just didn't. I never picked up.
[119:53]
Pete Holmes
They called.
[119:53]
Cat Bird
Yeah. I was truly scared.
[119:57]
Pete Holmes
The princess here. He is. I swear to. Third one is like cat. It is the. He's trying. He's trying to come. He's switching up the tactics for the one you like, that there's always the one where they rethink the strategy. I'm not mad. I respect it. I actually think maybe you could be at the turkey table tonight. Like, they're trying. They just want you to come back. What a badass story. I don't want to. Okay. So your religion is kindness.
[120:30]
Cat Bird
Yes.
[120:30]
Pete Holmes
Let's just end with your great story. Unless you want.
[120:33]
Cat Bird
No, I mean, I. I think that's. That's it. Just trying to be a good person, you know, Constantly. Just. Just working on all that.
[120:40]
Pete Holmes
Yeah.
[120:41]
Cat Bird
Trying to be kind, which is weird.
[120:44]
Pete Holmes
Well, it's one of the things, watching you coming up, and I just feel so certain that you're gonna continue to flourish and to see that you're a nice person. Maybe that's stupid.
[120:55]
Cat Bird
No, it's not. It's not. It means a lot coming from you, and I don't want to be soppy, but I truly see, like, so much. You've inspired me a lot. Yeah.
[121:03]
Pete Holmes
And then I allow it.
[121:04]
Cat Bird
Yeah.
[121:04]
Pete Holmes
Go on.
[121:05]
Cat Bird
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[121:06]
Pete Holmes
I don't know what I'm telling you. I had a bad phone call. We don't need to go into it. But like, I. I can see the reason I'm like, why your words are so meaningful to me today is because, like, I just had this, like, when I have a bad call home, I'm like, oh, I'm a bad person. Like, I go to bed and I'm like, I'm the shitty son in a movie that everyone's watching. The movie's about my mom. And everyone's like, this piece. Like, I'm always in a Ferrari on the. On a car. Not a cell phone. It's a car phone with the cork. I'm popping lewds. I'm barking like maniscalco. Of course I'm getting rodent. Ma, I can't. I'm busy. Oh, let's teeth. That's what it is. That's who I feel like. So when you were like, I. So I well timed and I appreciate it. Thank you very much. Thank you for doing the show. You have to come back.
[121:55]
Cat Bird
I would love to. I would love to. This is truly been like when you mess messaged me. I was so excited.
[122:00]
Pete Holmes
I'm so glad.
[122:02]
Cat Bird
Yeah, I would really, really. So thank you for having me thrilled.
[122:05]
Pete Holmes
And what is it called? I'll be an associate producer on Chef Cat.
[122:10]
Cat Bird
Oh, really?
[122:10]
Pete Holmes
Chef Cat? That just means, you know, I'm not doing much.
[122:13]
Cat Bird
I'm gonna need your direction, Chef Cat. I need. I need you to help me.
[122:17]
Pete Holmes
People are dumb.
[122:18]
Cat Bird
I. I just get on the Chef Cat train. Get on the chef.
[122:21]
Pete Holmes
Oh, this will be in the DV train. You went to Zach.
[122:24]
Cat Bird
Well, Chef Cat train. I mean, that does. That feels okay. That feels. Get on the cat train is also cat train. Yeah, I understand trains. It's just such a bummer. Trains have gotten such a weird pr.
[122:35]
Pete Holmes
I know. We got Thomas the Tank engine on one side. We have 30 dudes nailing the same person.
[122:40]
Cat Bird
I know.
[122:41]
Pete Holmes
And we've ended on such a. Such a. Such a. Such a filthy train track. I loved it. Yeah, we went off track.
[122:51]
Cat Bird
We went off track. That's good. That's.
[122:53]
Pete Holmes
Allow Michelle a bright let's Michelle a brave your great podcast. Would you say keep it crispy. It's just how we end.
[123:00]
Cat Bird
Oh, keep it crispy.
[123:01]
Pete Holmes
You did it.
[123:02]
Cat Bird
Heck yeah. Keep it crispy.
[123:05]
Pete Holmes
Thank you so much.
[123:05]
Cat Bird
Thank you.
[123:15]
Pete Holmes
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[124:06]
Cat Bird
of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12 month plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy.
[124:13]
Pete Holmes
See terms.